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Chapter Text

PRELUDE


2381, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy, Lecture hall 7. Sixteen hundred hours.

With a pleasant click, the last slide disappeared, the presentation ended and she bowed her head cortly for the short wave of applause that followed. Even after years of teaching, this open appraisal still surprised and delighted her, made her giddy. Rattling quietly, the shutter system began to roll the gigantic blinds upwards, exposing a large glass front with a far-reaching view over the Frisco bay and the surrounding blue sea. Strong, blinding rays of warm, mesmerizing sunlight penetrated the room, wandering calmly over slowly emptying rows of gray, upholstered seats, small side-tables turning upwards back into position and a masse of students crowding over the steps of the stairs of the lecture hall like grape vines on their way to the exits. Friendly chatter, the sound of a hundred different uniform boots, someone laughing, far away. A bit of dust that was dancing through the room suddenly glittered like stardust, caught by an astray beam of sunlight.

It was a common, uneventful Thursday afternoon, the last day before some popular holiday she'd forgotten the name of and a following long weekend. Most of the kids were eager to get out; to enjoy the few days off from their exhausting seminars and lectures, the merciless studying and the endless writing of lab reports. Even more now, because the summer was still in its full bloom. The last years around this date, it had already started to fog, rain or storm over the bay. One could do many interesting things away from the academy on an extended weekend like this, like camping or water sports – the greatest thing to do if one happened to live in a coast city like this one. Frisco was deeply maritime, seemingly crawling further every day into the Pacific Ocean with its long and skiddy fingers of shiny metal and glass.

Admiral Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, however, was not much for water sports. At least, not anymore. There probably wasn’t a single student in this room who could dive through an underground cave system better than her, even if it had been decades since she last tried. Her personal preference for a free evening like this one, in case she wanted to move her body in today's late summer heat, would probably be Tennis. Although the sport had practically died out around two hundred years ago, now that Parises Square and other holographic sports were much more attractive, faster paced and dynamic, she still deeply enjoyed the historic sport. The strong pull of the ball, the vibration in her elbow when it shot out from her racket, the dancing lightness of her feet. But it was hard to find a partner for these kinds of things, so this hobby too, had been untouched for decades.

Decades. She thought, circulating back from her wandering thoughts to the contents of the lecture she had just held. For the past two and a half years, she had been working at the department of Quantum Physics, here at Starfleet Academy in San Francisco. She researched Worm Holes and held the lecture on the Introduction to Spatial Phenomena I and II. After Voyager returned, three years ago, and she had found that she had never even considered making any type of plans for her life after they returned, in case the hope would be too painful to upkeep, essentially standing there alone after handing over the ship with an anxious restlessness and nothing to do, so she accepted the first job thrown her way, ending up at the Academy.

It had been pleasantly surprising to discover, unexpectedly, that she had evidently missed her calling. Teaching was her true talent; it lay encrypted in her blood. Working with students was more fun than she reckoned she ever had before. It was strange, however, even three years after their return, to be amongst so many different individuals, in groups that changed in its composition multiple times a day, to be constantly on the surface of a planet. To sleep in total silence, the absence of a ship’s vibration as the new normal.

Sometimes she missed the intimacy of a small ship and a crew that had learned to work together so smoothly that they seemed to operate from one common shared brain. But she adapted, she had to, and it gradually got easier. She had made new friends, she had learned new things, and she had discovered a whole new passion. It was good. Today had been good. It was week 14 of the current semester and they were at a somewhat advanced point in the Syllabus. They had discussed the theory of black holes: diving deep into the relations of space, mass and gravity, as well as time.

Time. She was calm today; she had so much time, indeed. The last lecture was over, she had prepared everything for next week and there was no research piling up in her office. No problems to solve, no one to save. One of those weekends where she had to relearn to live in civil freedom and carelessness. She was packing up Padds into a small bag and gathering her things, humming quietly, when she felt someone was staring. Unrushed, she glanced up, to see that all students except one had left the auditorium. It was a young man, standing in the shadows at the back of the room, next to one of the doors; his hands propped on the recline of a chair in the last row. He was leaning forward, clearly observing her. He had dark hair and broad shoulders packed in a velvety red shirt of the command course. A very lean and long figure, unlike any she had ever seen before. Unusual color, for this was a class taken mostly by cadets from the science program and that very rarely contained more than one or two dots of red. This semester, there were none. And if, those usually did not stick around after physics lectures to ask questions or chat up the professors.

Mildly intrigued, Janeway straightened up fully and raised her eyebrows, nudging her chin forward to signal the young man to come. She smoothed over the red fabric of her own uniform jacket with the palms of her hands; quite a different cut but the same dark wine red as the tall man that was now walking slowly down the stairs towards her. He must be thirty already or even older, an age unusual for a student of hers, but not entirely impossible. Still at least ten years younger than her, if not more. Hard to tell with that beard. For a second, she wondered if her own age was as easy for others to guess as theirs were for her. Being almost fifty, she sometimes questioned a few of her life decisions and how they had led her to where she stood now. Not to say that she wasn’t proud and comfortable with herself.

-Professor.– The strange young man greeted her politely. -May I ask you a question about your research? –

She nodded.  -What is it about? – Maybe he needed a Supervisor for a Thesis or a letter of recommendation. She doubted she had seen him anywhere in her classes and that he would ask something specific or in-depth about her material. Looking down again, she returned to sorting her belongings into her bag.

The man remained where he stood, on the last step of the stairs that led into the flat space down in the center, in front of the lightly higher, elevated speaking podium. It was a peculiar distance for someone who was attempting to initiate a conversation, and she could look down at him whilst still having trouble making out his exact features. She only knew that his eyes were incredibly blue. IT was impossible to unsee them.

-It is about time travel. – He said.

She frowned and snickered dryly. -I feel honored, I really do, that you think I can answer questions about that, but you may have the wrong professor here. I believe my colleagues in Temporal Mechanics are far better qual-… -

He cut her off. -No, Professor Janeway, I want to ask you specifically. Pardon me. –

-Alright..? – she said, a bit surprised. -Then shoot, young man. – She could have sworn there was a cheeky grin when she nicknamed him in that manner, but whatever it was, it disappeared too quickly to put a finger on it and his face was immediately back to his prior seriousness.

-Let’s say… that someone wanted to time-travel, but on an individual level; without the use of a spaceship, a starship, or any vessel. –

She felt herself beginning to smile. Individual time-travel. This was highly theoretical stuff. From the few publications she herself had read that even mentioned this aspect, most were just blatant theorizing, nothing tangible or practical at all. Not one theorem had been proven; it was impossible. She would recommend him her favorite papers and that would be it. Looking at the clock, it was already twenty minutes past the end of the lecture. Technically, she could have been home by now. She wished to take her leather boots off, ditch the long black uniform pants and slip into something more comfortable. Linen, perhaps.

-And now let’s say that one used a similar principle to a transporting system, like a molecule buffer. Would it be possible that this… so to say “compressed version of a person” could be transported much more easily through time, even great distances? Of course, to travel into the future one would only need to store it somewhere, but to travel backwards, into the past, a wormhole or a fold in space could suffice. – he continued. His voice was low, deep and full, she liked it.

She grinned. What an idea. Oh dear. She picked up her bag nonchalantly and hung it over her left shoulder. Blowing air out in a sigh, she stepped down from the teacher’s podium.

He continued further. -But could it also work better if the particles were transported into another dimension. A plane where time was not a relevant factor, a determining factor. One could move along the plane and enter the timeline at a different point, essentially time-travelling. –

Now she was really chuckling. -Not to be offensive, but those ideas are quite..- she begun to answer him, walking another step, when it suddenly hit her with full force. Her smile froze and she stopped in her tracks, gasping.

-What did you say? – she mumbled, distracted now by the noise in her brain. -Different dimensions. Transporter particles. Well, that isn’t… Could it really? – She blinked, astonished.

The young man stood there, just as before, observing her quietly now. Approaching him, she was suddenly overwhelmed by just how tall he really was; almost a giant, standing on that small step slightly above her. A very unusual figure. Come to think of it, he seemed strangely familiar, but she couldn’t say where or if she had seen him before. He might be a student, maybe even one of hers. After all, he evidently seemed to do his homework.

But Oh lord, again the godforsaken topic of time-travel. If there was any field of Physics in this universe that she hated with a burning passion, it was without a doubt time-travel. At the same time, she was one of the few people in this universe who actually had time travelled and who could talk about it from more than a theoretical standpoint. Apparently, she had even done so more than once, judging by the constant unraveling of paradoxes aboard Voyager; the main example being her shortened trip back to the Alpha Quadrant, caused by her older self time-travelling illegally into the past.

Yet up until this point, she had believed that only certain speeds, time-distorting wormholes, a proximity to black holes or extreme spatial distortions were the only (effective) possibilities to time-travel. When her older self had returned to the ship from the future and assisted them in their return to the Alpha Quadrant, that version of her had used a temporal Vortex; essentially a spatial rift or distortion. And that was the most advanced practical application of time-travel that she had ever heard of. It was a stolen Borg-complement from the future and did not exist in this timeline. Or at least, it wasn’t in the possession of the Federation. Regardless of that; not even the most experimental theories she had read had over the last years considered in any capacity the idea of jumping between dimensional planes, particle-separation or buffering for forward-travelling.

She sighed. However she tried to avoid the topic, she kept circling into it, stumbling over it constantly. Somehow every now and then something indicated her to dive deeper into this hateful knot of impossible questions. By now, she had developed a better grasp on the matter than most of her colleagues over at the department of Temporal Mechanics. She probably could hold the introduction lecture without any preparation at all. THere was a tiny part of her that had become addicted to these headaches, to these mind-boggling questions. The paradoxes.

Looking up at the young man again, she took a deep breath, held it in and collected her thoughts. -I can’t say for certain. It’s the first time that I am hearing this theory. Where did you read about it? –

He smiled, wide, and his eyes sparkled. Without answering, he continued with his questions. -Would it be possible to even transport energy? As in, could not only a physical body of an individual time-travel via these two options I just mentioned, but also his pure consciousness? If we theorize that a consciousness is held up within the energetic currents of the brain. By using the transporter principle and beaming it into the old self, one could temporally return to one’s body from a past time. Could that work? –

One eyebrow steeply raised, she was staring at him now in questioning disbelief, deeply unsure if any of what he was saying was actually serious science or if this student had just won some kind of childish bet against his mates from the command course. How did he come up with that? Could it be true? She scratched her head, swallowing. -I have to ask again, did you come up with that yourself or did you read it somewhere? –

-Oh, I definitely read it somewhere. – He replied, cocky, chuckling. -But I am sorry, I’ve evidenty come at the wrong time, I don’t think you can really help me right now. –

Help you? With what? She thought, but he was already climbing up the stairs with featherlight jumps. His legs were very long and he was surprisingly agile for his size. Soon he was disappearing at the edge of teh room.

-Wait! – she shouted out at him, puzzled by it all. She saw his head reappear. There was a dark strand of hair sticking up in a boyish manner, glowing from the light of the sunflooded corridor behind him. -What’s your name? Where did you read about this? Please, in the entire field of time travel, there is not even a mention of any of these things. And I guarantee you, I probably have more access than you as a student could. So tell me. –

He looked back at her, evaluating for a second. She could see his mind working through something.

-It was you. – He said then, quietly. -You wrote about it. Or rather, you will. –

And with that, he disappeared.

Chapter Text

2388, May 20, San Francisco, Sea Cliffs, Janeway Residence. Late Evening.

In the middle of the living room, two old bloomy couches stood, facing each other. They had gotten wide and curvy from so many years of use and their pattern hat begun to fade. Although today, the flowers on the upholstery were not visible at all; almost entirely covered by a group of bodies. These belonged to the very tipsy, very loud and very giddy old bridge crew of Voyager. Between their knees, a low, wooden table held more than its own weight in bottles, half-emptied wine glasses, more drinks and a series of small and decorated porcelain plates filled with Olives, fruits, fresh bread and other snacks. The room was dimly lit by a few long golden lamps with white paper shades and the last of what the evening sun had to offer. The tall, main window stood slightly open, letting in a calming, salty ocean breeze. The walls around them were almost entirely encased in bookshelves, some as high as the ceiling. English literature, Science, history being the most represented subjects. Opposite the windowfront, an old brick fireplace adorned with beautiful green tiles held the center position of the dance.

Chakotay often wondered where she had found all of these interesting things to decorate her house with, as you couldn’t exactly replicate a period armchair with that many scratches and a replaced fourth leg or a side table that seemed to want to crack free from under those many layers of paint countless previous owners had slapped onto it. Two different shades of hideous green lurked through that last faint blue varnish, as far as he could see from here alone. Or those antique silver plates she had popped up above the chimney top, one of them with a Janus-face in the style of a greek painting. Those Chinese vases with the blue ink koi fishes on them. The arabic hand-knit rug that his boots stood on. He wondered too, how a person like her could have settled down with such finality and filled a house with such an endless eclectic masse of material things, when he had always taken her for an eternal traveler, unbound by anything. But she seemed happy and she had her laboratory, her teachings, her students. He knew that she wrote and painted and that she still read historical poetry. He knew that she was comfortable and not lonely. She was a time relict, an old soul.

His own wife was much different. Almost entirely unattached to any form of physical possession. Very conflicted about the notion of a home or about developing a relationship with the place where she lived. So different to him and his devotion to spiritlore and the land, ina way. Alien to their world, even after ten, almost fifteen years of regaining her humanity. Looking at her in this moment, he had no idea how he managed to woo this strange and so incredibly beautiful woman. How he managed to give her the lovely children they had together. She was smiling, not at him, but at something Tom had said and he turned to his right side to listen, wating to escape his secret thoughts.

Tom was wearing a blue shirt, open at the chest and his reddish hairs stood up straight in the front, as if he had given himself a crass makeover. His cheeks were flushed red and he had tears in his eyes from his own joke. At his side, B’Elanna was curling up, laughing wholeheartedly, an orange robe of a shiny, beautiful material dressing her elegantly, with a secretive modesty that could only hope to tame her innate wilderness. She had her legs crossed and rocked up and down with pointed salmon red shoes. Across them on the other couch sat Seven, Harry and the Doctor. Tuvok had excused himself, as one of his sons had fathered a fourth child and he wished to be with family. This little party was hardly more important than that, so they had gladly let him stay absent. And besides, there weren’t many things as torturous for a Vulcan as him like a human festivity of any kind, so it wasn’t the first time he had stayed away.

The Doctor, however, looking fresh as the day he was programmed, had decided to wear a bright, intensely petrol green suit and appeared to be extremely delighted and absolutely enjoying the celebration. He had even brought music, although it had taken some communal effort to stop him from putting on a Best-Of of Puccini’s Italian Opera pieces and to commit to something more digestible, like 60's Romulan Jazz or a disc of Bajoran Beat Funk. Right now they had switched to old earth classics, as per wish of their host and birthday girl.

-Tom, can you repeat the Joke for me? – Chakotay begged him with puppy eyes, but he just earned a pitiful grin from his partner across the table, who brushed a thick strand of her very long, blonde hair over her shoulders and winked at him defiantly.

-You should have listened. Are you daydreaming, my love? –

-How could I, when you are here… - He replied, cheekily.

-Oh, get out! – A voice behind him shouted at them and he felt a little smack on his shoulder. Laughing now, their Captain sat down on one of the Armchairs at the head of the furniture arrangement. -Get a room! – she teased them further and grinned like a child. Then she inclined forward and raised her glass. -B’Elanna, do you have some more of that one red wine… yes, exactly that one, thank you very much... –

An arm with a bottle came forward, the glass was filled. Harry was sorting some of the empty plates together, his elbows on his knees. Sitting very straight, the doctor was deep in a monologue about the latest incurable disease he, himself and only himself had been able to cure. When the captain pulled away the glass, a bit of wine splashed on the carpet. Laughter. Harry was throwing pistaccio nutshells at B'Elanna for spilling.

Chakotay chuckled to himself. What an endearing chaos this evening was. However many years seemed to pass, in a way they all stayed the same. There were gray strands in Harry’s hair, there were more wrinkles in his own. B’Elanna and Tom had three children now; the doctor was married. It was all so different and yet all the same. Even her, he thought, looking back at his best friend, his captain. She was turning fifty two tonight, her hair was almost gray and her laughter lines stayed on when she was serious, but she was still a blaze of energy. There was still that flame of childlike curiosity in her eyes, still the strength and agility of a young ensign in the way she moved and talked.

The sound of a doorbell interrupted him. Kathryn jumped up, very excited and put her glass of wine down.

-Sit down captain, you’ve been up almost the entire evening! – Harry demanded and stood up as well. Now B'Elanna was throwing nutshells at him and mocking their boyscoutish ensign Kim.

-Oh, nonsense! – Kathryn corrected him and walked out. At the doorframe, she turned and, suppressing a wide grin, shouted at the standing Harry. -At ease, before you sprain something! – then she disappeared in the hallway.

Tom broke out in laughter. B’Elanna looked at him strangely, smiling, but not understanding the joke. Harry snickered and sat down, laughing with Tom.

-Oh, it's a very old story, honey… - Tom said, looking at her.

-Meet my friend, do you remember Deanna? – Kathryn announced to the group, reappearing in the doorframe. With her was a woman, roughly the same height and age as her, but in very different colors. Whilst Janeway was cool-toned, had amber, almost blonde hair and grayish blue eyes, this woman had black, very dark and big hair, almost down to her hips, an olive warm complexion and reddened cheeks. The hair must have been curly originally, but she had straightened it, and it fell in quite voluminous waves over her back. Her face was strong, like carved out of stone, with a great nose and heavy, full eyelids. Her eyes were black like two wet long-legged beatles and a set of heavy earrings sparkled next to her exposed neck.

-Deanna Troi everyone. Welcome, my friend. –

-Deanna, a pleasure, glad to see you again! – The doctor said, immediately springing to his feet and extending a hand to her.

-Who exactly is that again? – Harry whispered to Seven, who frowned at him.

-She was Barclay’s therapist and currently the best friend of Captain Janeway. – she whispered back at him quietly. He raised his eyebrows and then giggled. It was a long time ago that Janeway had been their captain, yet the younger former Borg seemed set on calling her nothing else but that, despite her usual adamancy on correct protocol.

Deanna entered their circle and sat down on the other armchair across the table from Kathryn. She was wearing a very pretty, deep burgundy dress, adorned with stones along the rim. Although she was quiet and shy at first, pretty soon the doctor had pulled her into a very lively discussion.

It was Kathryn who now sat back and leaned deeper into her armchair, observing the people around her. She extended her legs far under the coffee table and crossed her feet, comfortable. For her birthdays, she always invited her old bridge crew over for a little get-together. This was the first time she had invited Deanna as well, but she felt that her friend would not intrude on the feeling of intimate familiarity she hoped to concuss on evenings like these. She liked most of her colleagues at the Academy, she really did, but no one had quite found a way into her heart like Deanna did. Tomorrow she might celebrate a little at the Department office, if she felt like it. It was tonight, at this type of reunion, where she really felt at ease.

And everyone was here, except from Tuvok. Chakotay, oh how she enjoyed that he was here. After they had made peace with each other, he had become again the most valuable friend in her life next to Tuvok. He had married Seven, in the end. While at the beginning, she had really lost sleep over it, suffering from the heartbreak that it definitely wouldn’t be herself, walking down the aisle next to that man she once loved with such great intensity, she now liked their union and had not an ounce of jealousy in her body. She was glad that both had come to her birthday and whatever conflict they once had was long forgotten.

Harry, her old eternal ensign, had enjoyed a few promotions since their return ten years ago and was currently captaining a science Vessel exploring different types of moons and living conditions on them all across the Quadrant. And the doctor, their strange photonic friend, had demonstrated that he could be capable of falling in love not only with himself, but with a real person, and married a medical scientist from Bajor. She was currently on a mission on the other side of the famous wormhole next to DS9, sadly missing this celebration.

What B’Elanna and Tom were doing, she had no idea, only that they were deep in the trenches of the toddler years of their third child. She remembered with some amusement how Tom had bravely declared after the second, that each Baby was easier than the previous, the third seemed to have humbled him right back to base level. All evening, he had said nothing that could prove the theory that the third would be the easiest. In fact, judging by the weeks of little and low contact, the shadows under their eyes and the tired wrinkles on both of their faces, she deduced that this one might actually be the hardest to deal with.

Grinning, she took another sip of her wine. Underestimating children was a tale as old as time. Deanna was having fun with the doctor, with Harry chipping into their conversation now and then. B’Elanna and Tom were playing a set of cards against Chakotay and Seven. She could see into the hands of both of her nearest neighbors and had to stifle a laugh from how bad Chakotay’s hand was. If he lost now and was eliminated, maybe she could send him downstairs to get more wine instead of having to go herself. What else was a first officer there for, after all.

With a happy sigh, she propped her face onto one hand and leaned the elbow over the side of her armchair. Was she envious of Tom and B’Elanna? The years in the Delta Quadrant had robbed her of her last chance at motherhood. But had she really wanted to have children? Ever? Would she go back and time and change things, for that reason? She was unsure, it was one of those impossible questions in life. She was here now. Alone, yes, but not lonely. Was that not all that counted?

Seven and Chakotay had children as well. A set of twins, even. But Seven seemed to handle it very well, and not only because the pair had an entire community that helped them with childcare and cared for the kids whenever their parents had work to do. And work she did – Seven was a member of a Starfleet elite think tank resolving problems of the highest complexity. She loved it; doing nothing or the same things on repeat notoriously drove her insane. Chakotay had paused his relationship with Starfleet shortly after their return, probably due to the cold welcome of hismself and his Maquis colleagues. Well, who could blame him. Who liked to work for an organization that had left their people to die in a pointless war or put a bounty on their head.

And Deanna. She still was a Counselor for Starfleet and still worked on the Enterprise. Picard was probably incapable of tying his own shoelaces if she wasn’t there, but that was not the reason she had rejected many promotions or different job offers and stayed there. Deanna had been married for many years to a man Kathryn only knew as Bill. They did not often talk about him and she had never met the man. He had been a crew member on the Enterprise as well, but he had died, thirteen years ago. Deanna had lived with him, on Earth and on the Enterprise. While she had made peace with it all, or so it seemed, she still clung to their house, their ship, the memories. Kathryn had never visited the house; the two friends usually met outside and took long walks; supposing Deanna was not on active duty at the moment. Like her, she did not have any children and lived alone. 

With Mark married to someone else, they could bond over their feelings of being old, unmarried maids, women with careers but no children. The empty home, the empty bed, but a life filled with friends, passions and hobbies. It was a bittersweet freedom. Kathryn regretted nothing, but she often questioned her path. Maybe getting older sometimes held these moments of questioning.

Well. It was time to snap out of these strange thoughts. Tonight was not only her birthday; she also had an announcement. With a shy grin, she raised her glass and cleared her throat. Slowly, all faces turned towards her.

-The song, we forgot to sing! – B’Elanna gasped, but Kathryn smiled at her.

-Please, don’t, I’ll only feel old. No. I have something else to tell you. – She could see the curiosity in their faces. Could their old captain surprise them once more?

-Many of you know that I currently work as a lecturer at the Department of Temporal Mechanics at Starfleet Academy here in San Francisco. And that my specialty is Time Travel and Time Paradoxes. But what I have pretty much kept to myself is that I am also doing active research on methods of time-traveling. And not only that, I have had quite a few breakthroughs since I started. –

She could hear her audience gasp. Proud, she leaned forward and kept talking.

-A few years ago, a student randomly asked me a series of questions after a lecture I had given on… I don’t even remember. But the theories he presented me with, were so fascinating, I couldn’t sleep for weeks. Very strange kid, wouldn't even tell me his name; when I asked him where he read about these things, he told me, and listen how silly that sounds, that I had written them. Or, better said, that I would. In the future. -  

B’Elanna’s eyebrows were so high on her face, they almost disappeared in the ridges on her forehead. Tom was frowning, a mixture of confusion, amusement and a mild shock written on his face. The doctor stared at her, stoic and critical. Only Seven had no expression at all on gher face and just listened with great attention.

-Maybe he was a time traveler, who knows. We will never know. The point is, that after I had wondered about it for a long while, Irealized that if I wanted to see it happen, I had to really do it and now, seven years later, I have just published a paper on radical theories for individual time travel. It has been peer reviewed and although I have gotten more criticism than compliments, I think it is quite a good study. But that is not everything. –

-What, the story goes on? – Chakotay ached.

-Oh yes. Well, you all know that I have this laboratory in the basement. That I specifically got this old abandoned house on the far edge of a stone cliff. But I have never told anyone why. Why I have never remodeled anything around here, why I keep the walls where they were a few hundred years ago and why I didn’t expand the building like everyone keeps telling me to do. Well, first of all, I actually really like it… but that’s not the point. Te reason is that I design time-traveling devices in my lab and I test my theories with the prototypes here, on my property. That is why I took so much time trying to find an untouched, long time abandoned historical …-

-Wait, Kathryn, you what? – Chakotay interrupted her.

-You time travel? Like, all of the time? – Harry shouted.

-Oh no! – she laughed, delighted. -Not all of the time. Just every other week or so, and only for a few minutes at a time. Just to widen my statistical measurements. I have a few devices and they travel via two or three different methods; one is a combination...well, depends on if you travel back or forth…. -  

-Wow. – Harry was utterly speechless.

-How far can you travel? – Deanna asked with curiosity.

-Not at all; in fact I often stay in the same spot I am, that is also why it was important to find a place that did not change much through the centuries, you know... Oh, you mean the time-distance. Well, I haven’t really tested the limits, but I have jumped across my own lifetime. So, at least fourty to fifty years. Only into the past, naturally. –

 -I can’t believe this. How interesting! – B’Elanna declared, standing up to wander along the bookshelves and think aloud. -That would be a fascinating device, probably like a particle inversor… -

-No, not exactly, I started by constructing a particle compressor, but that is just one of the methods. There are actually quite a few… - Kathryn added, standing up as well. While B’Elanna tried to guess the engineering specs, she took great delight in ping-ponging back and forth between guesses and tips. She loved it when she and B’Elanna happened to enter the same plane of engineering consciousness and could play this game for hours. She only had to take care that B'Elanna wouldn't guess how it was built exactly. It could get her into trouble.

Tom interrupted them. -But what exactly are you making these devices for? Who will use them? I think this could be a dangerous weapon if used by the wrong people… -

-Thank you Tom, that is a very good point. - she snapped her fingers and pointed at him. -Remember when we ran into the department of temporal Investigations, probably four or five times while we were on Voyager? Well, they work in our time and timeline, but they use methods and technology that partially comes from the future, to maintain our timelines. Some of the things they use appear to be later versions of the inventions I did. It is quite complicated because they exist right now, at the same time, and my devices are not nearly as reliable and well built as theirs, and they use future, improved versions of mine, but when I got in contact with them to ensure the safety of my inventions, they were glad I called because they had been expecting me to call for very a long time. –

In Harry’s face, a painful grimace began to appear.

-I know. – She told him. -Don’t think about it too much, it will only give you a time travel headache. Point is, that I need to work on them further, but I wanted to celebrate with you here that I finished the prototype on all three of my devices. –

-What a fantastic reason to celebrate other than just the aging of a body. – The doctor said, ecstatic. -Although I am a little jealous that you are making history before me. –

The captain laughed. -Oh, don’t worry, doctor, you can have the fame. In fact, I have to swear every single one of you to absolute secrecy. I might have published the theoretical paper, but not a piece of this can get out and I am not allowed to even show you the devices. There is no recognition I will get for this invention, of that you can be sure.–

B’Elanna pouted visibly, disappointed to be denied a chance to probe at such new and exciting tech. -You can’t tell me of a fascinating machine and then not show me! – she remarked.

-Well, I am truly sorry. Strict orders I can’t refuse. Temporal Prime directive. But I really wanted to celebrate it with you, my closest friends. Not even I can keep such a secret forever! Chakotay, will you get more wine? –

Chakotay, who had one foot on the stairs into the kitchen turned around, caught, but then smiled. -Of Course, Kathryn. –

Oh lord, she thought at the sound of that. When he simply called her by her name, she still felt that warm tingle in the depths of her belly. She wondered if she would ever meet someone who could be as exciting as Chakotay was once to her. As warm, as important, as attractive. There was no romantic love or desire for her old silverback friend anymore, not really, but she sometimes wondered if she should have made a move earlier, if she would then be here now with him, both terribly old but still in love, instead of here wth him, but alone, having to watch him married to his young wife. Not that it was truly hurtful or that she was actually lonely, but she still wondered.

What was it today with her strange thoughts about partners or children and that endless dwelling on loneliness? She was only fifty two! Hardly an age to begin this melancholic pondering about dying alone or having wasted twenty years on the wrong priorities. Birthdays were really not her best days. Well. Time to distract her mind with other things. She had made such great advances this week; she was really proud of herself. It were extremely complicated devices and a highly dangerous secret. She trusted her friends with her life, the excellent officers that they were. Nothing would get out of this evening, she was sure. She had been dying to tell someone about her research for years, to share the pride. And now her paper was out and the prototypes were built. And they worked. Deanna was looking at her with her dark eyes, almost staring. She raised a cup at her friend, but it took a full minute for the woman to manage a smile out of her. How strange. She would have to ask about that later.

This morning, she had travelled into her own body from over forty years ago, to the time she was still living in Bloomington with her mother and her sister. She had only wanted to see her mother for five minutes. Just a glance of her smile, to smell her hair, and then go back. It was the prettiest birthday gift she had ever given herself. 

Chapter Text

2388, San Francisco, Sea Cliff.

A few weeks later. Midst of June.

Storm and rain raged over the shingled roofs, rattled at the windows, howled through the corridors. The old stones cracked under the pressure of the wind, the wood hummed and even the tiles vibrated. Kathryn loved how the tides took possession of her little old house; how defenseless it was to the force of the weather. It were the weeks of the summer storms; a period she loved deeply with every fiber of her heart.

She had been at home the entire day, as it was a Sunday, but spent the morning working on her prototypes in the laboratory. There was no rest for a woman like her, not on any day, not even on this one, no matter how holy some people still held it to be. She needed to refine her devices, to finetune them. It was too often that she input a certain travel distance or length, but the machine was off for a few seconds or even hours. The further away from the present point in the timeline, the more inaccurate the device could get. And that was true for all three of her devised methods, although it varied in effect between them. No matter how well she calculated it, somehow the devices made it impossible to hit the exact moment one wanted to narrow down.

It was tedious to make the calculations for it again and again and to keep experimenting with the same procedure for weeks and months on end; she was exhausted from the constant repetition. If she only had an interesting mission in the past or something like that, a purpose other than just testing how well the devices worked. She had taken the chance to send herself back in time a few times to read herself poetry or to act out a few scenes of her favorite plays, but technically, that was forbidden, as for the temporal prime directive. She figured that if no one saw it, she might as well spend some time with herself and have fun with the devices. Only the negative side effects kept her from doing it too often. The memory loss, the fatigue. Since she time traveled every week, she had, overtime, lost her appetite and slept an hour longer every day. The result was that she had gotten quite thin and spent more time inside, alone. The secret of it all was exciting, yet also isolating.

At this very moment, she was curled up on her sofa, trying to read from a dusty old book, a pot of herbal tea next to her, but her eyelids kept falling shut and she considered just going to bed, when she heard a voice shouting through the heavy storm and the sound of banging on the door outside.

Curious, but suspicious, she stood up and pulled the blanket off herself. On the way to the door, she grabbed the phaser from the bookshelf next to the hallway and slowly approached the main door. Doing the work she did, she had begun to have weapons ready around the house and keep her doors locked. There was no point in denying that what she did wasn’t dangerous and couldn’t have repercussions on the entire universe if she didn’t protect it. Naturally, she could not trust every visitor. She hated having to bear weapons, but the alternative was much worse.

And who would come here, in this weather, at this hour, if not for a strange and probably dangerous reason. There were no transport centers open, no buses, it would take someone a great deal of walking through horrible rain and thunder to even get here.

She peaked through the heavily tinted glasses that formed a decorative set of windows next to her door and discovered the silhouette of a small, dark-haired woman. Raising her eyebrows in surprise, she quickly opened to see her friend Deanna Troi standing on her doorstep, soaked and wet to the bone from rain and, apparently, tears.

-Oh Kate! – Deanna cried out and her lips trembled as she sobbed.

-Deanna! – Kathryn pulled her forward, into her arms. Hurrying, she closed the door and took the woman inside, rushing to get her a blanket and replicate some hot tea. While she went upstairs to look for warm and dry clothes, Deanna sat down on one of the sofas in the living room.

-Now tell me. – she softly asked her visitor when she had come back down again. -What is going on? I have never seen you like this! –

Deanna shook her head from side to side, laughing softly. -It is… well. I think I need a second. Excuse me. –

-Fine by me, take your time. – Kathryn said calmly and passed her the clothes. Deanna stood up and went into another room to change. Meanwhile, Kathryn stared into her own, half-emptied pot of tea. She knew she would switch to tea eventually, but dear god, it was so bland sometimes... Especially when she sensed mystery, like tonight. She stood up to replicate a strong cup of coffee instead.

Quicker than she expected, Deanna came back. She was dressed in black, in Kathryn’s clothes, but they were the same size, apparently. It suited her well. She sat down again, and Kathryn set two pots of coffee in between them on the small, thin, wooden table. A painted vase filled with soft pink flowers adorned it and Deanna looked at them somewhat dreamily, a heavy sadness overshadowing her the longer she stared at them.

- Do you know that at our Wedding we had flowers very similar to these. Where did you get them? – she said quietly.

-Oh, I have no idea. Tuvok brings flowers whenever he comes to visit. You know he has a thing for them. But I suspect he picked these in my own garden; I think that there is a bush in the front that has the exact same. Maybe he was late. – She laughed at her own joke, but Deanna only smiled painfully.

-Kate, why did you never get married? –

-Oh, why didn’t I. – She replied with humor and downed a sip of her coffee, marvelling at the taste. Jesus. This was something else. -Maybe because all the men I loved either died or married someone else..? –

Deanna looked a mixture of shocked and embarrassed, opening her mouth to apologize, but Kathryn was quicker, nodding it off. -Don’t worry, D. I take it with grace. In all honesty, I don’t think it ever even was for me. Women like me expect too much and we are never content with just anyone at our side. I am happy that it worked out for you, although. Well. Now I am the one who has to apologize… -

They both laughed softly and smiled at each other. Their friendship was stronger than these silly mishaps. For a minute, they were quiet. Deanna was the first to speak.

-It is precisely why I have come here, tonight. I could not stop dwelling on it. –

-On what? What is it? – Kathryn asked her again.

-You see… - Deanna looked away for a second, pausing. Then her gaze returned and met Kathryn’s with a strange intensity. -When I was here the other night, for your birthday, you told us that you had built devices that allowed you to time travel. And well, I want to ask you if you could time travel for me. –

-What? – Kathryn stood up and took two steps into the room, away from her. When she turned around, she was confused, intrigued, even a little angry. Where had this strange request come from? It was impossible. And yet, she was a little excited, of course. Maybe Deanna had brought her something to really test her little machines. -Deanna, I am sure that any information that you want out of the past can be provided in some other way... –

-Oh no. – Her friend looked up at her, dead serious, with a hint of desperation in her eyes. -It is much more complicated than that. –

Kathryn sat down on the sofa next to Deanna. -Then tell me. Everything. I’m not saying I’ll do it. But I’ll listen. –

-It is about my husband Bill. I must tell you something. Bill did not just die in a transporter accident or a malfunction. I believe that he was also time traveling. –

Kathryn gasped. That couldn’t be true. A time traveler?

Deanna continued. -When we were about to get married, he sat me down one day and told me that he had met a woman. Naturally, at first I was hurt and confused. But he explained everything: he said that he had only met her three times in his entire life and never again after that. That it was impossible to find her but that he believed he would really never see her again. He believed that she had died. He told me that he had fallen in love with her the first time he met her. I think he just wanted it off his chest so he wouldn’t feel like he was betraying me, even in thought. He actually never mentioned her again. I was grateful for that, but I never forgot about it. We were very happy; I never had a reason to doubt that he honestly loved me. But you see… I think that he became mad at some point, remembering her and the fact that she was dead. And so he started to work longer than before and research other things than he used to and I caught him a few times, sketching things that looked like time machines. He was experimenting with them, I am sure of it. He got more reckless. I hardly ever saw him again. And that is when he died. –

Open mouthed, Kathryn was staring at her friend. This was a horrible truth to come out. -And you want me to… - she managed to mumble out. -… prevent his death? –

Deanna nodded and began to cry again. -I could have love dhim better. I could have been there, if I was only really aware of what he was doing. I could have prevented this myself… - her voice broke off.

-Oh god… - Kathryn whispered and embraced her. -Who was it? -

-I have no idea. He wouldn't tell me her name. God, I hate that other woman with a passion. - For a while, they just sat there, with Deanna crying and Kathryn consoling her. Then, both straightened up again.

Kathryn leaned her elbows on her knees and intertwined her fingers, thinking.

-Well, Deanna. Although the enemy of my friend is surely also my enemy, in a way; I think I can’t really prevent his death. At least not the exact moment he dies. Timelines have this strange thing; after he met her and fell in love, he would have died trying to find her anyway. I can’t really explain it. Sometimes when you displace an event within a timeline, it ends up happening anyway, just at another point; sometimes only hours later. There are factors in the universe and when they align, things always happen the way the timeline intended. You can't really change it around a lot in that case.–

-I understand. – Deanna said weakly. -It was worth a try. Thank you. –

-Who said anything about giving up? – Kathryn joked, but none of them laughed. -You said he met her what, three times only? That can be easy. Pardon, could be easy. Those are fix points in time. It means that there was maybe not so much influence or impact as that it would change his entire timeline afterwards if changed. Only inner feelings, maybe only small choices. It might be easier to jump to the moment of those three meetings and either interrupt them or distract him before he had a chance of ever meeting her. –

-What do you mean? –

-Well, you two met in 2364… -

-No, in 2357, on his first posting at Betazed. On 2364 we were reunited on the Enterprise. –

-See, even better. He spent years with you. And you met twice. There is a great chance that your relationship was also something intended to happen in his timeline. Something that won’t change. And it is vastly more powerful. There is a chance that if we could avoid that your Bill meets his mystery woman, that he might meet you anyway and you’d get married anyway. Just not with someone else on his mind all the time. He would never build the machines. Never died in a time travel accident. –

Deanna was the one speechless now, staring at her friend. -Do you actually think it could be possible? Is it true? –

-It might. -Kathryn said with seriousness. -But it might not. It might alter the timeline so heavily, we could all cease to exist. It could be the end of the world as we know it. It could be a piece of cake. – She slapped her knees and stood up, shaking a pointed finger. -But we will never know because I’m not doing it. –

Deanna stood up as well. Her dark eyes were shining like Kathryn had never seen them before. -Tell me why not. Please. It would be worth a try to me. I don’t care much for myself since Bill is gone. –

-Well, for once, because of what I have just told you. Messing with the timelines is dangerous and scary. You shouldn’t underestimate that. And I have done it, I know what I am talking about! – Kathryn replied a little roughly.

But her friend approached her, putting her hands on Kathryns forearms. -I am begging you. Maybe there is a way without causing such a ripple in the timeline. Maybe we can make everything happen exactly the way it was…. Maybe… -

Kathryn sighed. – Do you have any idea of the trouble I could get into with the Department of Temporal Investigations if they catch only the slightest wind of what you are setting me up to do? – She covered her eyes with her hands. -Oh god Deanna, can’t you just be... a happy widow? –

Crying and laughing, Deanna shook her head. -No, Kate, and you know why. You had a chance to bring Voyager back. Wouldn’t you do it all over again if you were in the same situation? –

Taking her hands off, Kathryn looked the other woman deep in the eyes. Finally, she crumbled. -Jesus. Point taken. I see what you are getting at. But those were over a hundred lives. This is, pardon me, just your husband we are talking about…. –

-I could tell you how many people he saved aboard the Enterprise… - Deanna said cheekily, but Kathryn laughed at her.

-Let's never start to count and weigh up lives against each other. PLaying god is a game even more dangerous than messing with time. - 

They sat down again together and stared at the bouquet of dainty flowers.

-How long were you together? – She asked then in a quiet voice.

-Seventeen years. – Deanna whispered.

-Wow. –

They went quiet again.

-Oh lord, alright. Do you have the three dates? Did you ever tell you where exactly? I need to see if I can even get there. Otherwise, this is all just blatant theorizing anyways... –

Without a word, Deanna turned and opened a small bag that she had been carrying with her. It contained a single Padd.

Scratching her head, Kathryn began to read its contents. -First meeting. Summer of 2355, San Francisco, Academy Campus Cafeteria. Oh, I used to go there a lot back in the …Wait, 2355; I was actually there. That makes it quite easy. Alright, next is… -

-Wait, - Deanna interrupted her. -There is more. He told me that it was a Saturday and that his friends had set up a blind date for him, but that it didn’t work out, that she rejected him pretty harshly. But that after the blind date, he went out with someone and that is it. That is when he met her. But I don’t know the place of that. You’ll have to spy at him at the blind date and then somehow distract him, so he can’t meet the other woman. The woman, whoever it is. –

-I understand. Oh, that could be fun. You know I had a roommate in the Academy, Leslie; she was hilarious. She always used to set people up on blind dates. Even me, more than once actually. She was desperate I would end up at a lonely, unmarried Scientist. And here I am…. –

They had to laugh wholeheartedly.

-So, the second was… The Academy Graduation Ball 2357. I remember that. I had this beautiful blue dress, went there all ready to dance just to have one drink and wake up in my room with the worst headache of my life. But at least I was there. Easy. – She was surprised at how easy. This was almost too easy. But he was a man of about her age from North America; of course they must have been at the same places if both had gone to the Academy. There was just no one with the name of Bill she remembered. However, she switched to command much later, graduating with people who were three years younger than her. It was often she met people in her career, colleagues in red shirts who could have graduated with her age-wise, but they had never met. And furthermore: after almost 45 years in starfleet, some names and faces had also just faded. So none of this was unusual.

-And the third point is 2365, the Conference on Luna. Well, which one, what was his specialty? –

-He was an exopaleontologist. He studied the history of alien civilizations and races. Maybe it was a conference of history or alien cultures. I really don't know this one. –

-I have a solid guess. Maybe it was that Conference of Diplomatic Relations that Starfleet held to gather active captains and first officers and discuss protocols and educate them on dealing with alien species that they had recently made contact with. There were quite a number of speakers and workshops. There is a big chance he was there. –

-How do you know that so well? – Deanna laughed in amused surprise.

-It would be another funny coincidence, but I was there too. – She admitted. – I remember that when I came back from the Delta Quadrant, I was offered to host one myself because I had made first contact with… what was it… over a hundred new species I believe. I couldn’t even remember the first conference, so I denied politely. I just remember coming home sick and having these horrible migraines, probably because it was so boring. –

-Wow. - Deanna remarked, grinning. – Well, It is a pleasant surprise that you apparently crossed paths already on those three points, although I find it impressive that you have no memories of him. He is quite tall and not easy to overlook. –

Kate had to smile and shrugged, raising her hands. – I have no idea. You have to describe him to me, or I won’t even find him. – And they laughed again.

-He is very tall, very broad shouldered. Dark hair, almost black. Blue eyes, with beautiful, white teeth. Maybe he wore a beard when he was younger, I wouldn’t doubt it to be honest. Answers best to the name of Bill. Says he was top of his class in command that year. Maybe just ask around. –

-Alright. Oh Deanna, this sounds pretty much like I have to do it now…. I guess I will... But I must warn you. Anything could happen. We have no idea what we are doing, playing with the timeline like that. –

-In the worst case, the Department of Temporal Investigations is here to clean it all up. And he is already dead. How much worse can it get? –

-Don’t say that! – Kathryn shouted, chuckling. -They will take all of my devices and research, and I’ll be locked away. This is serious. –

-I know. Nothing ever has been more serious to me. – Deanna responded with such gravity, Kathryn did not dare to question her further.

She was playing around with her fingers, looking down at the Padd. Then she sighed, folding.

-I’ll do it. – She said.

Deanna threw her arms around her, rejoicing.

-------------------------------

It as hours later when Deanna finally left to go back home. The rain had cleared up and it was the earliest hours of the monday morning. A clean, crisp sun was slowly painting the ocean in a grayish, sulfur light. They stood at the door and said their goodbyes. Deanna hugged Kate again, thanking her. Then she took a step back and they looked at each other. 

-It is possible that if he is still alive, you and I never develop this relationship. - Kathryn told her then, crossing her arms in front of her chest, her hands cold from the wind. In the almost darkness, Deanna looked at her with enormous, completely black eyes. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking. -We don't know where you'll live or where you will be stationed. Is there a definitive way to confirm that he is dead, without having to contact you, in case something happens? - 

-His stone. - Deanna said in a strange tone. -He is on the San Francisco Columbarium. He wanted to be buried on Risa or back in Alaska, but I wanted him close, I couldn't bare to be separated from him that far... Go to the north side of the area. There is a patch of trees, very old trees. Find the Sycamore. There is a red rock, almost chest-high, impossible to miss. It is a rock from Mars. I chose the tree because he loved Jazz and it reminded me of that song with the Sycamore tree. I always imagine that he is dreaming a little dream with me... - She looked like she was about to cry again. 

-It's alright. -Kathryn whispered softly and they embraced again.

Deanna turned on her heel and left. At the gate, she looked back and grinned. -Don't steal him from me, Kate! - It was a joke, but her eyes were not laughing. 

-Oh god, no! - She laughed it off.

She closed the door, but she felt uneasy, as if she had lied.

------------------------------------

She slept a few hours, went to the Academy to teach and returned in the late evening to discover the Padd and both empty cups of coffee still on the table. She had managed to forget the bulk of it all, but now it was returning with full force. 

This was complicated, more than a simple problem with a simple solution. More than just a little jump in time; this could alter history forever. It gave her a headache just to think about it. But she had told her friend she would do it. She just needed to find the method that was least conspicuous. 

Out of nervousness, she decided to test her devices again, decide after. 

She slowly walked downstairs into her basement and entered the lab. It was code-protected and behind heavily enforced steel walls. Inside, there was a center table with three boxes of glass. Each contained a little device, no bigger than a remote or a tricorder. The entire room was filled with tools, screens, Paddds, Books and other things. About twenty empty cups of coffee decorated the scene. She had spent so many hours here, it seemed to her like her netire life had passed here, in this basement. 

Gnawing at her lower lip, she picked the device in the middle. It was yellow and rhombus-shaped. She had designed them to look very differently, so there wa sno way of confusing them. This yellow one could transport a person entirely, to the past and back. She called it a FBTT, a full-body-time-traveler. The devices in the other boxes were red and blue. The red was square, almost rectangular and bright red. It could shift a person between dimensions. The last one, the oval-shaped in light blue could transport a person's consciousness to the past. It was by far the most precise, becase it transporte dthe least amount of matter. All of them worked on the principle of condensing particle matter into a rift in space and moving it to a desired point in time, although each worked with a different approach. She was very proud of them.

For this mission, it was a choice of either blue or yellow. Should she chose yellow, she would be herself, the 52 year old Admiral Janeway walking onto Starfleet Campus to chat up a probably twenty year old Bill. It was highly unlikely that it would remain undiscovered for so long.

But if she chose the blue one, the CR, the consciousness relocalizer, she could jump into her own body and control it whilst she tried to distract Bill, being far better disguised in the era and place. It would cause her younger self to suffer through all kinds of uncomfortable side effects. Headaches and extreme fatigue being one of them. After all, two brains coexisting in the same place were very hard to manage.

It was obvious which she would chose. Yet to ease herself into it all, she picked the yellow one and decided to jump back for three full hours, into a random thursday afternoon two months ago. If that worked, she would have more confidence. She had never jumped twenty years and attempted a somewhat precise landing point and duration of stay, but this experiment must suffice in easing her fears. 

She fastened the device to the inner side of her top, a habit she had gotten herself used to in case she jumped too far or had an accident and landed somewhere where it could be taken from her upon arrival, and took a deep breath. It took a few minutes charging up and preparing whilst she began to feel tingles in her entire body, a pull in her abdomen when she was about to jump.

And then, stars passed in front of her eyes, her skin crawled all over, her stomach turned and her knees went weak. There was a loud, rushing sound and she could hear ehr own heartbeat, loud in her own ears.

Coughing, she held on to the table. 

Then, she straightened up. The room looked almost exactly the same. The first few times she had tried this, she had been convinced that it was not working, until she had seen a clock or herself in the living area, replicating coffee, surprised in delight upon seeing herself walking in. It was always funny meeting herself; she had gotten quite used to it.

So she walked up the stairs, looking for clues to see if it worked. 

Upstairs, she ran into herself, sitting crouched over an old book, eating biscuits and pouring milk into a cup of heavy black tea. She smiled. She rememebred this. It was such an interesting feeling to travel back and change her own memories. She remembered that she sat there and had her tea, then looked to the left and...

-Hello Kittykat. - her slightly younger self said warmly. -It's the thirteenth of april, if you must know, almost sixteen hundred hours. THirteen minutes to, to be exact. - 

-Wonderful. Alright, it worked then. - she said, glad and sat down as well, opposite herself. She could feel the fatigue building up in her bones already.

-Want some tea, Kittykat? - It was an unspoken rule that they had different nicknames for each other, so they could feel a little more like they were their own people and not just versions of the same. They could talk to each other and pretend they were friends. It was very fun.

-Yes please, Katie. - They used the different nicknames her parents had given her before they died. She liked to honor them in this manner. 

Katie stood up to replicate another cup and Kathryn leaned forward to peak into the book that lay open on the table. It was a dusty copy of Wuthering Heights. She smiled, considering spoilering herself a little, just for fun. Katie retrned and set the cup down, filling it with tea and milk. Both women drank in comfortable silence. Outside, seagulls creaked and a sharp breeze of wind rattled on the windows. It was sunny, with low clouds and the air in the room had warmed up. 

-I was considering taking a walk along the coast. Would you care to join me, my dear? - Katie asked. 

She nodded. Why not? They could talk a little then. She really needed someone to confide in.

Katie smiled. 

________________________________

-Do you think we age when we travel back or we are just sort of conserved in an ageless or timeless loop until we return? - Katie asked, her voice slightly strained. The wind was pushing them away from the cliff and the path was crooked and full of stones. Her scarf was flying high in the air, drawing a large shape behind her and she was speaking  louder because of the wind.

-I don't think so, I think we do age. You can ater all just travel somewhere and stay there. I just realize that I might have to start celebrating my birthday earlier, because it would be a lie to keep it on the day it falls on the calendar. - she responded with a laugh, stepping over a patch of moss onto a gray, flat stone. Before them was a vast surface of short plants, moss and stones, with a few birds wandering around. Kathryn had gotten one of the last still standing houses in this area. Before the big war, when San Francisco was an industrialized mega-city in the twentyfirst century, there had been Villas and Mansions for the Elite and the rich here. Right now it was just a rocky patch on the north side of the city, scarcely filled with houses and buildings; so close to the coast that not many people liked to live directly here. It had steep cliffs and rough weather. Kathryn liked it because of it and especially because of the old house where she could do her experiments unbothered and without putting anyone or herself in danger. 

-I often wonder if we aren't cutting our life shorter because of these experiments. - Katie said again.

-It's not like we stay for so long, usually it's only a couple of minutes... - 

-It does add up... - Katie replied, pensative. 

They went quiet for a while again, while they kept fighting the wind and slowly moving forward. Kathryn licked her lips and smiled when she tasted them salty and dry. It was beautiful outside, it filled her with life. This was exactly what she needed. She debated with herself if she should ask her younger self for advice, but then decided to just go for it.

-Katie, I need your advice. - she shouted through the wind at herself, who was a couple of meters ahead. 

Katie turned to wait and Kathryn slowly caught up. The way that woman was standing, herself, she looked strong and serene. Such a wise woman she was. Being able to see herself from the outside had made her fall in love with herself again and again. She could talk things out, share her thoughs, be naked - with the one person who knew exactly how she felt and why. And the one person with a crude honesty that was often exactly what she needed.

-What is it, Kittykat? - Katie had one eyebrow raised and her thin lips pressed into an even thinner line. She could sense trouble and Kathryn felt exposed, even if it was herself who could obviously read her better than anyone.

-A friend wants me to time travel for her. It is because of her husband. He died many years ago and she believes that he died trying to save another woman he loved. She said they met only three times in his entire life and that I should go there and prevent him from meeting her in the first place. - 

-And you want to know if you should go. - 

She nodded. Katie turned around and started to walk again. She followed her silently, lost in thoughts. 

-It is such a difficult question. How isolated are these events from the timeline? - 

-Pretty much. My friend says he never even talked about it with anyone else. Never looked for her. Never met up with her. Not until eh learned that the other woman was most likely dead. - 

Katie sighed. -Well, it is slightly insane, you have to admit it. - 

Kathryn began to smile. -It is, indeed. - 

They hooked their elbows and walked further. 

-You are staying much longer than usual. - Katie remarked with a grin. -Do that more often, it is always such fun to have myself around. - They both laughed. It had been eerie before, to laugh with herself and hear it as a distorted echo, but they had gotten used to it and she could hang out with herself only telling jokes. There wasn't a point most of the time, because it was like telling jokes to a mirror who could anticipate her every next move, but they loved trying and laughing anyway. Feeling deeply understood was what counted to them. 

-Do you feel that we maybe don't need to marry because we have ourselves? - Katie then asked her with a quiet seriousness. 

-I don't know. I'd have to think about it. Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, love... why did we never do it, I don't know. - 

-Oh, you know, Kittykat. Chakotay left and never looked back. And it's fine. But... - 

-I know. - she whispered. -It still hurts. - 

Katie nodded. 

-Maybe we should do it. For your friend, I mean. So that one of us has love. - 

Now it was Kittykat who nodded.

Chapter Text

It was late in the evening, almost dark, when she finally got over her restlessness and found the decisiveness to actually do it. After hours of reconsidering it, of thinking it through over and over, again and again, she was somewhat ready now. Or maybe she was just exhausted and wanted to put an end to her inner turmoil; she wasn’t sure. Anyhow, she had set her mind on it and the decision was taken.

Trying to avoid thinking about the many possible negative consequences, she slowly descended the stairs into the basement and entered her lab for the second time today. Now, it was another device that she was taking out of its glass enclosure to use for a jump into the past. The blue machine lay heavy in her hand, heavier than usual, cold and alien to her touch. She sighed, noticing that she was trembling. It might have been the fear or the nerves, but she couldn’t deny that she was also secretly terribly excited. This was the first time she would jump as far as twenty years and stay for quite a long time; over ten hours, to be exact. Anything could happen. If she was caught, it needed to be worth it. She swallowed nervously and bit her lip with force.

There was an old, used-up lounge chair in one corner of the room. She had found it in the garden shed and put it here, so she could leave her body somehwere while she time travelled with the CR. Technically, she would not be gone for any time at all and there was, in theory, no need for a resting chair, as she would always come back to exactly the instant she had pressed the button on the Relocalizer, but she had found out during her experiments that it did take a while for her body to get used to the return of her brain currents and during this small interval, she would have only limited control over her motoric functions. Therefore, she had to take precautions so she wouldn’t fall and injure herself.

Before coming downstairs, she had asked her computer to tell her where exactly she had been or might have been on the evening of Saturday the tenth of June, 2355. Naturally, she had been on campus the entire time, but there was no specific location saved. Well, wherever she had been, it was probably in her room, the library or the Campus Café. That summer, if she remembered correctly, she had seldom gone out, as she had been writing her thesis paper and spent most of her time studying, researching or writing. It would be easy to slip into her younger self, get to the Café, find Deanna’s ominous Bill and then think of some way to distract him after his blind date. How exciting it all was. She had no idea how she was going to do it; she hoped to rely on improvisation and situational cues. If she could survive the Delta Quadrant, she could surely get through an afternoon with a few second year Academy cadets.

She lay down on the recamiére and stretched her legs far out. Trying to loosen up, she circled a few times through the air with the tips of her feet. Her skin was cool and her heartbead steady, so she listened to her own breathing for a while before charging up the device and inputting the temporal and locational coordinates. She set the duration to twelve hours, in case she missed the right starting point due to her CR device miscalculating and ran into the danger of having too little time left. Then, she put it on her chest and closed her eyes, hoping with a tad of fear that she would land at the right moment. There was nothing worse than missing it entirely and arriving too late, because then she could not use the CR for the same period of time; it was only possible to insert her consciousness once into her past self for a certain period. A third one overlaid on top could have serious consequences on her past self’s body. 

Something on her chest clicked and hummed into action, vibrating with a low sound. Oh god, I hope I recognize him… were her last thoughts before her brain began to feel like it was being ripped open and thrown into deep cold water, a brazing wave of tingles and needles washing all over her body, a deep pulling in her abdomen and raging stars flashing across her vision. All the air left her and for a second, she lost consciousness.

_________________________

 2355, Starfleet Academy, Main Campus

She coughed, aching forward violently and held on to whatever was in front of her, glad that there was something steady. It turned out to be the edge of a white table, a soft surface, so very familiar. She opened her mouth, popped her jaw and blinked a few times. Her ears were full of noise. She was in the café, Main campus, Starfleet Academy. And by the look of the plants outside and the decorations, at least somewhere before 2360. She was slightly surprised at how easy it was; that she found herself already at the right place, but it wasn’t all too improbable; she had spent a great deal of her time here. The afternoon sun gave everything around her a golden glow, there were students outside laughing and playing sports and the air inside smelled heavily of coffee, pastries and tea. She drew a deep breath in and felt herself becoming more at ease inside this body. Turning her head to her left, she gasped aloud, recognizing the sharp face of her old roommate Lettie Garrett. She was dressed in a pretty red dress, wearing strong makeup and her blonde, curly hair was held up in some sort of complicated updo.

-Are you alright Kate? Don’t tell me you just developed a mysterious cough and I have to call the whole thing off again! – Lettie said snappishly and crossed her arms in front of her chest, visibly angry.

-Call what off? – Kathryn said weakly and made an effort to sit up straight and appear normal. -No, I don’t have a cough, I just choked on my own saliva. It happens, you know. – Be cool. Don’t let her notice. Her body felt so light, so strong, she moved her shoulders around and couldn't resist the urge to smack her lips, pleased with the feeling.

-Alright… But remember, you have no appointments and all of your homework is done. I know your excuses, my dear, you can’t fool me this time… –

What the hell was Lettie talking about? Kathryn smiled apologetically at her, crossed her legs and put her hands on her upper knee. If she just played along, she might get back on Lettie’s good side and leave eventually… after spying on Bill and his blind date of course. Speaking of, where was the guy? Slyly, she tried to look around the room, but at first glance there wasn’t anyone particularly big or with black hair and a beard. It was difficult, sitting with her back to the room. She might have to sit at the other side of the booth…

-Gosh and please promise me that you will at least try to make an attempt. – Lettie was saying. At what? But she just nodded back and kept smiling, keeping up the strategy of being cooperative and well behaved.

-I will do everything you say, Lettie, dear. – She told her old roommate and grinned like a child.

Lettie raised a steep eyebrow and eyed her sharply, visibly distrustful. Then she looked up suddenly and an unexpectedly pleasant, dashing smile appeared on her face. –

-Honey! You made it! – she beamed at someone, standing up and stretching her arms out for a hug.

Kathryn sighed internally and closed her eyes. This was what it was all about. Lettie had a new boyfriend and she had to meet him now. She wanted to turn and greet him, be polite, but whatever she had wanted to say got caught up in her throat. There were not one, but two men sitting down across them. One was clearly Lettie’s boyfriend; she was leaning wide over the table, covering his face in wet kisses. But he wasn’t the reason Kathryn was suddenly feeling very ill. It was the other one; she had found herself staring right into the sparkling blue eyes of William Riker.

-Hi. – he was saying to her. -My name is William. Some people call me Bill, but I prefer Will. This is Geordi, if you haven’t met him. And I believe that I am your blind date! – and he smiled wide, with white teeth and beautiful cheekbones. -

With the violence of a colliding sun, it dawned on her.

--------------------------------------------------------

Of course he had seen her before. Everybody knew who she was. The Admiral’s daughter they had all said would fail miserably because she had only gotten in thanks to her family name, but that had managed to climb to the top of her class after just three weeks of arriving on campus. He was in command, she was in science, so naturally he had only seen bits of her and never really talked to her. But he was in awe at how good she was. She raised her hands at every question and got almost every answer right. She tried hard, even when failing and she never handed in an empty paper in a test. Rumor had it that she pulled these extreme all-nighters before exams and drank more coffee than a cargo freighter could load. Almost everywhere else, he was known as one of the best students. Even in science, he was nowhere near the bottom half of the class. But she was on another level. Simply put, he wasn’t even a competition for her. No one was. 

So it was no wonder that he had taken one or two closer looks at this peculiar commilitas, this fellow student of his. She was quite pretty too, actually. Not the prettiest on campus; there were girls here that could break a man’s neck when walking by, with long legs, incredible hair, mesmerizing eyes. But Cadet Janeway had an understated, sort of classic beauty. She wore almost only Starfleet Uniforms, perfectly pressed and ironed, spotless even to the most ruthless inspection. She wore boots with higher heels than anyone else, he had noticed. Maybe she was self conscious about her height; he had noticed that she barely reached his shoulder. And she often came to class with a different hairstyle; that woman must know at least one hundred methods of pulling up her hair into an updo.

But one thing he hadn’t noticed until now, was the color of her eyes. It would seem that she had never looked at him once. Never returned his gaze, never answered him face to face when in a group debate in class. Never sat anywhere near him. If he didn’t know better, he’d say the girl was avoiding him. But she probably simply hadn’t noticed him. Which was weird and interesting - she might be the only woman on campus who hadn’t noticed Will Riker in some form or another.

What the hell had gotten into Geordi to get him a blind date with her. This was like an advanced Astrophysics Major or something, what the hell would she want to do with him? Maybe he could try to woo her with a grande talk about wanting to command a fast, powerful starship or how high he had scored on the Kobayashi Maru. It worked on most others... Oh but that would be embarrassing, if she saw through his strategy, she might be too smart for that. Well, and who said he wanted to date her anyways. As far as he was concerned, she had only two things on her mind: studying and attending classes. There was not a single party on campus she had been on, not a single bar she had been to. He had never seen her outside a seminar room or a lecture hall. So where the hell had Geordi gotten the notion that she and him were “more alike than you think, Will”?  because it didn't seem like that at all, no matter from what angle he looked at it. Yet he couldn’t deny that he was insanely curious about her. It annoyed the hell out of him. 

However, at this very moment, she looked like she had a tooth ache. He noticed how blue her eyes were. Not in a light, strong blue like his, more a grayish, pale blue. A windy, stormy sea. He liked that, it went well with her flushed cheeks. But why was she reacting this way? Was he that hideous? And he had even shaved… 

-What did you say? - she was asking him, looking dramatic, like she was about to faint. 

-I just said my name is William, but that you can call me Will. And then I asked for yours. - 

-Kathryn. - she answered and swallowed hard. -Kathryn Janeway. -

-Alright, Kate then? Or do you prefer Kathryn? And by the way, are you alright? -

The blonde girl, Lettie?, leaned forward and elbowed her friend. - Kate is fine, excellent. Never been better. - she said with a sharp tone and whispered something towards his date, who straightened up, closed her eyes for a second and then opened them again, smiling politely now. 

-Yes, I am. Pardon me. - she said in that low voice of hers. She was probably not older than twenty, but she sounded old, husky. Interesting. -So Will it is. I am surprised we have never met. We must be in the same class; you’d think we’d have run into each other before this. – 

What? He was so confused, he almost had to laugh. They had taken six classes together; for some reason he had kept count. But she had, apparently, really never looked at him once. She might actually never even have realized that he existed. So much for the humbleness of the Admiral’s daughter. Suddenly he felt a small pitch of angry pride. He might have been just a kid born in Alaska, but he could show his highborn date that he seriously had it in him. 

-Oh, but we have… – he said slowly, in a strange tone. -But I take the command program and like to sit in the back. I might have just fallen under your radar. After all, you are top of the class in every class I have shared with you so far. Maybe you don’t really see me as competition or anything, really. – Did she just blush? Well, let’s find out what she did with all that free time spent bent over books, he thought to himself and begun the questions.

-I hear you landed the Scorcher for your Junior’s thesis. – he asked her.

-Is that what he is called? I have never heard that. – she responded with a smirk. At least she could smile.

-He leaves only scorched earth in his wake. At least that is what they say… – he joked. 

-Interesting. I suppose I have found him rather awfully nice. Very demanding, indeed. Very devoted to his family as well. Are you doing a Junior’s thesis? – There it was again, she talked like an old lady, the way she constructed her sentences and the words she used, how endearing.

He sat more comfortably now, reclining on his elbows. -I am focused on exopaleontology. Someday, I want my own ship, and I think a broad educational base with an emphasis on the evolution of all sorts of galactic cultures is the best background I could possibly have. –

-Oh! - she said, grinning. -Your own ship.. as captain? That is aiming high, very good. I’ve... never had any interest in command, I always wanted to be a science officer on an exploration mission in deep space. To see phenomena that no one has ever seen before, that are not found in our books, that take my breath away…Maybe discover an entire quadrant in space. - she broke off and looked at her hands on the table, laughing softly.

He smiled easily at her. – Maybe you end up working as a science officer on my ship. We could be colleagues. – She erupted in loud laughter. Then she smiled brightly and he was suddenly blown away by how beautiful she was, in all unexpected ways. There were dimples on her cheeks, there were stars in her eyes and she had the prettiest mouth he had seen in a while. 

-My thesis is on massive compact halo objects. Are you familiar with them? I am writing about … - But he interrupted her before she could finish. 

-Of course, Macho’s. They are a big thing in astrophysics but not well studied, as far as I’m concerned. One of my science teachers in Alaska was pretty interested in them and I got that from her. What is your approach for the thesis? Do you have a research question in mind? I personally am pretty keen on the question of “matter”, as in, MACHOs that have no matter or negative matter but actually exist and even emit a halo. How the hell did they got to exist in the first place? How does that work? It fascinates me how things can have negative matter, you know. I would be interested in studying their matter-compositions and to compel and try out all available techniques for measuring them, I guess. – He had babbled, but she was staring at him, her mouth slightly open, only the side of her face towards him. He felt proud that he could surprise her, keep up with her. 

-You’ve definitely done your homework, William. - she said, using his full name and he felt strangely electric because of it. 

-I like to be thorough, Kathryn. - he responded slowly, seeing her eyes widen slightly.

Their conversation had come to a halt again and he leaned back to observe her. Those small shoulders, her long and thin legs. The curve of her pretty neck. How pale she was. She looked at him with those deep blue eyes and he wondered how they had overlooked each other until now. He felt drawn to her and yet he still found her so utterly annoying. He couldn't explain it. 

-Do you have a favourite starship? - he asked her then, out of the blue. 

-Well of course! - She answered promptly, only to immediately look sour. -It’s the.. um… - she coughed exaggeratedly but didn’t say anything.

He wondered for a second and then spoke up, to keep the conversation flowing. -Mine is the Enterprise, of course. But I dream of a super fast Starship, light and agile. It would be very strong, with excellent armaments, like a Titan. - 

She nodded approvingly. -I would like a small science vessel, only slightly over a 100 in crew complement. And she’d have a pretty name, like Stargazer or… Voyager. And we’d have a sleek, simple bridge, with gray carpets and a massive viewscreen. Photon torpedoes, of course. And I could sit in my chair, have a cup of coffee and shout “Engage!” and we’d explore things no one has ever seen before. -

He laughed. She was so strange. -I thought you didn’t want to get into command? - he teased her.

-Oh. - she said, looking down at her blue uniform. -Right. -And blushed. But her eyes were shining.

-Well, maybe you should. You seem to have a knack for life on the bridge. I think you’d really like it in the command course. And I for once would love to see which one of us would beat the other trying to get to the top of the class… - he grinned. This was fun. He was comfortable with her, he could talk to her for the entire evening. She had somehow gone straight to the point and at the same time avoided all that was important on a first date. And she was so fascinatingly contradicting. Wanted to be a science officer, yet could probably draw him a technically correct outline of her dream starship and her preferred command style. Apparently spent all her time inside, yet seemed like a wild child, like someone who did interesting things when no one was looking. 

However in this moment, she herself appeared… uneasy again. She was glancing around the room, at the clock, fiddling with her fingers. Whenever their eyes locked, she would hold his gaze for only a mere second and then part away. What was it with this strange woman? He felt incredibly bothered by her restlessness. He needed to ask her more questions, to keep her here.

But suddenly she stood up too quick, brushed her hands over the fabric of her uniform and spat out a sort of mumbled-together excuse about some probes she had left at Professor Paris’ office and that she needed them for her thesis and so on. She stepped out of the booth with a long leg, stood straight as a pencil and clenched her teeth weirdly together, intertwining her hands painfully. 

-Thank you Will. - She said then with an overpolite, nodded reverence. -Pleased to meet you, it has all been very nice. You are very nice. But I do have an awful lot to work on, you know...And... It’s very hard for me to find time to date someone, properly, so I am sorry, but I guess then, this will be it. - she said abruptly. He was staring at her. Lettie and Geordie were staring at her. He had almost forgotten that they were, too, sitting next to them, but now Lettie raised her voice at Kathryn and shouted after her while she disappeared. It all happened so fast; when he had finally found something he wanted to say to her, her seat was already empty. 

______________________

How could she not remember! She had gone on a blind date with William Riker?! She was angry at herself, slightly desperate, confused more than anything. Of course she remembered William Riker from her Academy days… How could she ever forget that man. But she remembered him as annoying; although annoyingly handsome, also just that, annoying. He was the spitting image of her first boyfriend Chet Packer. Seeing again really shocked her, just how alike those two were. Of Chet Packer, the man who had broken her heart, really shattered it to pieces. He had meant the end of her juvenile naivetée. She had promised herself not to date again during the time at the Academy, to focus on her career and her schooling. And especially not someone who looked so much like Chet. Someone who caused such a strong reaction within herself and her body. 

Of course she had seen him in her science classes. Damn, it was forty years ago, but she remembered him clearly as if it had been yesterday. How she hated that he was so good, that he kept her on her toes trying to remain on top of the class. How effortless it all seemed to him, how fast he understood even the most difficult things. She was very smart and all things science came naturally easy to her, but she feared he might be secretly better than her; just too lazy to try to outwit her. She remembered how she avoided him like the plague and rather bit down on her fingers than turning around in class to look at him. Because the mere image of him would jet her into borderline insanity every time she did. 

Had he just been a regular student, she might have even considered it, back in the days. He was tall, intelligent, attractive. His sparkling blue eyes, when he stared at her, it was overwhelming, to say the least. He could have even made for a great lover, with those hands and those lips... One could only dare to dream. But he also had this… reputation. Which in itself didn’t bother her, at all. She was too smart to concern herself with these trivial, idiotic things others obsessed about. It was just that the mere thought of waking up after what could be one of the most passionate nights of her life, to see that he had gone and would never call back, it broke her. No, oh god, no. 

It surprised her how strong her feelings were, even with four decades between the time she had last seen him and now, whenever now was. She was holding her abdomen after rushing out of the Cafeteria and running a few steps towards a set of trees. There, she rested, in the sun, leaning a hand on the warm tree trunk. Goddammit. What would she do now? At least she had tanked the blind date: the first part of her plan was successful. And she had around ten hours left.

What the hell would she tell Deanna when she came back? She sighed. Bill was Will. What a horrible plot twist. Those would be questions left for future-Kathryn, she told herself and suddenly had to giggle, realizing where she actually was. She was twenty years old, the strongest and thinnest she had ever been, she was at the Academy Campus (which was one of her favourite places on earth) and she had the chance to spend some time with a past crush of hers without anything happening further. And her device had worked far better than she expected. No one of the Department of Temporal Investigations. The Universe was still there. 

She only needed to find a way to get to him again without it seeming weird or inappropriate. Gosh, she was dreading going back in there. Lettie would rip her head off. But that would be a problem for past-me. Maybe she should take a walk, find him again afterwards. But if she had lost him by then? If he ran into the mystery girl just right after?  She needed to stay right here, no matter how weird it might get. For Deanna. 

________________________

She was gone and he stared at the void in her seat. He noticed that his hands seemed cold, so he put them under the table and rubbed them on his knees. His head was feeling strange. Next to him, Geordie and Lettie were discussing in a low tone, something about Lettie giving it all to find someone and Kate being so “goddamn allergic to romantic attention” that Lettie would soon be ripping her own hair out if there was no way of getting through to her. He listened quietly, still confused about the state of himself. His sandwich was laying there, barely half eaten. So, Kate was her name. And she was apparently deeply fascinated by astrophysics and outer space. How strange that she had mentioned her proposal so bluntly; most girls he talked to had other topics of conversation. Much lighter, much more playful. But this had been real fun, challenging. Serious. He was known as a funny, unserious person, but that was mostly his image, not what he felt he was on the inside, what he felt he aimed for. Not the way he approached things if no one observed him. Geordi and Lettie were staring at him now.

-What? - he said.

-You are smiling, Riker. – Geordi remarked with curled lips. William felt caught. He was. But she had rejected him. And pretty harshly at that. 

Lettie was looking at her nails and pursing her lips, annoyed. Geordi was trying to talk to her, calm her down. 

Suddenly, Will got up and left without a word. He walked fast, taking long steps. Maybe he could still reach her, she had just left herself a minute or two and she was smaller, maybe he would find her, if he was quick enough. 

It took him less than the blink of an eye: to his surprise, she was right outside, leaning on a tree, about twenty meters away from the entrance of the Café. Frowning, he approached her from behind and then stood there, a bit unsure of what to do now. Before he could speak, she spun around as if she had sensed him.

-Will! - she said, astonished, but not angry at him for intruding on her. - Good to see you. - she said then. 

Good to see you? What? He leaned his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. -Good to see you too, Kate… - 

She grinned and turned fully now towards him. Playfully, she stuck her arms into her side and upped her chin a little. -Would you like to go out with me tonight? - She blushed slightly, lowering her head and mumbled -as friends, I mean. - 

He mirrored her by putting his hands on his hips as well and chuckled. -First you turn me down… and now you want to take me out? - 

-Come on, will ya. - She said teasingly and crossed her arms in front of her chest. 

He had to laugh and throw his head back. -Will you at least tell me why, Katie? - 

-Maybe in the future… - she said mysteriously and grinned. But he could see that she liked the new nickname by the way she kept smiling as she turned and walked away from him. He shook his head.

God, what a woman! He ran to follow her. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 Let’s Misbehave

2355, San Francisco

When they reached the inner part of town, the golden afternoon sun had slowly begun to settle, painting the buildings in a dusty pink and drawing lines of color over the evening sky. Between the old blue, the soft purple and the frizzle of scattered clouds, a pale moon had appeared, announcing the night to come. In this part of town, the streets were narrow and full of pedestrians. Cafés, Bars and Restaurants lined up, opening their doors and people of all sorts were coming out of their hidden places to enjoy the late hours of this summery Saturday. He felt strangely ecstatic, unusually awake and couldn’t shake off a giddy smile as he tried to follow her through the maze of streets and alleys. She walked fast, he had to keep up quite a speed to catch up with her. So far, they had not spoken a word; she was kept much too occupied by navigating them through this mesh to concentrate on the questions he had asked her. Everyone around them was dressed casually; most people here were regular civilians, Aliens, people from outer space. In her sleek uniform, she stood somewhat and he was glad he had changed into a red shirt instead of wearing his own uniform jacket. He blended in much more easily.

-Where are we going? - he asked her, when she paused at a corner in front of a blue building to intently look up and down the side alleys. But she just grinned in that strange manner as before and winked at him, quickly disappearing into the left one. The buildings here had been restored as they had been built historically and he felt, as he often did here, as if he was time traveling. He had been here before, many times of course, but somehow it all felt new and unfamiliar tonight, with her. She, on her part, seemed to know exactly where she wanted to go, yet at the same time, as if she had never been here too; she marvelled at certain places or corners and stood confused at others, taking her time to find the right way to go. Maybe he was right and she had actually never gone out, never really left Campus and followed directions she had memorized that someone had given her. In that case, he wondered why she was so keen on taking him to a specific place and if she wouldn’t get lost in the Labyrinth that San Francisco could be sometimes.

But she kept on walking swiftly, unbothered by her doubts regarding the street layout, her chin up high, her elbows pressed into her side. And then, he slowly recognized where they were headed. Another corner and he could see the lightning sign of a bar at the end of a crowded alley. Pleased, he smiled to himself. Out of all the places, she had somehow picked his favourite. How did she know? 

___________________________

The Bar Ten Forward sat on the last corner of the Ten Forward Avenue in central San Francisco, in the basement under an old industrial building that now served as a Warehouse for some intergalactic Trading Company. If she remembered correctly, it was just down the stairs and then, a large room with a long L-shaped bar illuminated by lights built into the table, brick walls, endless pictures of all sizes and colors, lampshades and decoration hanging around the room as well as countless little round tables packed with wooden chairs scattered all over the place. She had gone there a few times when she was at the Academy, but the bar had moved to the Enterprise in the 60s. It was just a guess, but she hoped he would recognize it. It was not her own favourite, but a good place to start the evening.

She could see by his smile as he walked down the stairs behind her that she had picked right, and a warm pride flooded her chest. At the bar, a woman with an interesting, bold and wide hairpiece and wise, glittering eyes looked up and smiled at them, recognizing both. Loud music filled the room. The place was packed, with barely any place to fight a way through to the bar. Most were Academy Students, some of them in Uniform. She recognized a few faces. When she entered the thick crowd, she suddenly felt a hand holding on to her forearm and, looking back, saw William behind her, tall and broad, towering over her, wanting to follow her closely. Something in her abdomen clenched and she had to swallow, realizing how close he really was. She could lean into him if she stepped back. Nevertheless, she continued pushing forward through, allowing him to hold on to her. 

They reached the bar and she put her elbows on the surface. Guinan came over and beamed a smile. -What can I do for you? - 

It took a moment for her to remember what it was that they offered here, but Will already raised a hand and indicated with two fingers: -Two Old Fashioned with Syntehol, please. - She looked up again at him and made a face, grateful that he took initiative. 

-Of course. - Guinan said and disappeared to get glasses. They looked after her, away through the room and then at each other. They were finally at the place she had wanted to take them, but now they probably had to talk and she had no idea what about. It was strange; she felt as nervous as she would on a real date. But this isn’t one, this is your best friend’s husband. She thought to herself. Although, technically, he isn’t. At least, not yet. Her brain corrected her and it took the ease off a little. 

-I thought you never left campus. - He remarked casually, but she could sense a deeper curiousness and a hint of surprise. She realized what he must have thought of her until this point and it almost made her laugh. Very few people back then at the Academy had known her real self; she had been much more preoccupied with hiding it when she was younger. Naturally, he must think the same about her: that she was a studious book-rat, never out, never drunk, never late and never spending the night with someone. Well, she was old now and these things of the youth made little sense to her now. 

-You don’t know me very well then. - she answered playfully. 

-Tell me about yourself then. - he replied in the same manner, teasing. 

She smiled. -What do you want to know? - 

He leaned his elbow on the bar, more comfortable. They had to talk loudly because of the noise. The dense crowd was pushing them together slightly. He brushed against her with his knee and she had to swallow, as her leg erupted in electric currents that bolted through her body -For one, how often do you come here? I heard you don’t go out at all, I guess I’m surprised. - 

-Oh, I go out far more often than you’d think… - she told him confidently. It wasn’t a lie: she did now and she had back then. Although the most time she had spent going to bars in her life, was probably her time on Voyager. Until today, she painfully missed both Sandrine’s and The Ox and the Lamb. 

Guinan returned with their drinks and he picked his up, saluting to her. -Cheers. - he said in a low voice. Sometimes when he talked, his voice rumbled in his chest and she was afraid he might see how her hairs stood up at the sound of it. She saluted back and they both nipped at their glasses. Again, she went quiet, a little overwhelmed with the situation. It was still early; she had to fill an entire evening if she wanted to succeed in her little mission. But with how nervous and shy she was around him, this could be quite difficult. He turned slightly away and leaned on the bar again, looking over the heads of people. He was very tall, she could see that he was much taller than most of the men in the room. She liked that, how he stood there, solid as a rock, safe and warm. Oh god, she had to stop thinking about him as anything else than a friend, this was dangerous territory. 

Out of the mass, a woman emerged and neared Riker. She had long, blonde hair and pretty, green eyes, almond shaped like a cat. She was smiling and looked at him with a sulky intensity. He was raising his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth went up as she came onto him. 

-Hi, William, nice to see you. - she said slowly and Kathryn noticed a strong perfume of flowers and honey. Oh god, was she the mystery woman? She panicked, looking at that tall, pretty girl in the purple dress. She was no competition for her and she could already see that William was quite taken by her presence. They were talking as if bewitched. There was a pitfall in her stomach and she frowned, suddenly angry. 

So she interrupted their conversation by pulling her arm around William’s and hooking herself on his elbow.  -There you are! - she said to him. 

Will looked down at her with a mixture of confusion and surprise, suddenly breaking out in laughter.  -Oh, sorry. Kate, meet Rosalie. - The women nodded politely, but kept eyeing each other with open mistrust. 

-Will, - Kate said then, batting her eyelashes. -Shall we find a table or some place to sit more comfortably? - She gave her best to appear as if she was in fact his date and clung to him as close as she could, so the blonde goddess would get the hint and be gone as fast as possible. She somehow did and when she had disappeared behind a group of science blue Cadets, Kate finally allowed herself to take a deeper breath. Then she noticed William, who had bowed down his head to her level. 

-Are you jealous, Katie? - he asked her quietly, teasing and she shivered when she felt his lips so close to her ears, his warm breath caressing her neck. Irritated, she let him go and created some distance between them. 

-Me?- she asked, wanting to appear outraged. -Not at all. She was quite beautiful, wasn’t she. - 

-Yes, she was… - he said, but he had a strange look on his face as he leaned back again and glanced down at her. -Well. Shall we get your table, Madame. - he said then and he pulled her by her arm into the party. 

_______________________

Although they had looked into every corner and asked around everywhere, there was not a single table free for hours to come; neither were any of the chairs. And the place kept filling up further. On a summer night like this, people apparently really wanted to get out and have some fun, although one had to wonder why they chose to get into a basement. He began to feel uncomfortable in the small, crowded room and he wondered if she did too. By the look on her face and the way she had her arms crossed over her abdomen, she did. So he kept pulling her through the crowd until they had reached the end of the room and were standing next to the wall that led into the stairways. A bit unsure of himself, he leaned his shoulder on the brick and let her go. He had no idea why he took over control in this manner with her, usually he asked his partners before doing anything. With her, he felt different. As if he knew how she would react and what she would feel comfortable with. So far, she hadn’t objected to him touching her or just pulling her through the mass of people unasked; in fact, she had seemed rather glad that he had just done so. He drank the last bit of his drink and held the glass in one hand, rotating it around. She was looking up at him, politely smiling but not saying a word. 

-Hey, do you wanna get outta here? - he shouted through the noise and she nodded quickly, again seeming glad that he just went with it. They left their glasses at a nearby table and bolted up the stairs, while making way for more people coming down. 

Outside, he took a deep breath and sighed. Fresh air, a taste of ocean and wet stones. It was dark outside now, with stars sparkling quietly above them. She looked up as well and smiled. 

-Kate, why did you join Starfleet? Was it because of your father? - occurred to him suddenly.

She began walking slowly and he followed her. Their elbows touched slightly. -I know everyone says that I did because of him. But that isn’t true. By the time I did join, we had almost lost contact. Maybe you have heard of him, I mean, I guess you have, you are in command. He fought the Cardassian war. Because of it, he was never home. I actually felt like I had lost him long before he d…-Wait, this was 2355, her father would be alive for at least a few years! Don’t slip up… -d… decided to join the war. - she saved her mishap. -So my motivations were different. I come from a family of artists; my mother and my sister are really very talented. But I don’t have a bone of that in my body. What I can do are numbers. And stars. I joined because I had a hunger for other things. - 

A hunger. He liked how she described it. He felt exactly the same. -My father works for Starfleet as well. - he told her. -And like yours, the job is everything to him. More importantly than his family, than his kids... After my mother died, he and I had no idea how to talk to each other. I guess he’s fine… I just haven’t seen him in almost two years by now. He was angry when I joined; he thought he couldn’t protect me anymore if I did. Starfleet is pretty dangerous for a red shirt, after all. - 

She smiled as he was talking. -My father was angry too. Especially with the war, he couldn’t understand how I would enlist for a job where you could literally die in the line of duty. After all the time we had spent worrying about him, waiting at home. But so far, so many years and nothing has happened. - 

-You’ve only been here two years! - he laughed. 

She looked up from the pavement with a curious face. -Right, only two years. I forgot. - 

How strange she was. She constantly seemed to forget simple things around her that were such basic information. Earlier, she had gotten the date wrong. Then she hadn’t known what they served at Ten Forward. Now she had forgotten how long she had been at Starfleet. Highly unusual for such an accomplished soon-to-be-scientist.

They were walking along a less crowded side street now and he wondered if she had another place in mind. He was absolutely sure that she would surprise him a few more times over the course of the night. And she did seem to head into a specific direction; at corners she turned with confidence. 

-Will you tell me where we are going this time? You seem to know where we are headed.. - he said to her. 

-Yes, if you want. - she smiled. -We are going to the Red horse. Do you know it? - 

He shook his head. -Never heard of it. - 

-Oh!. - She commented. -I thought you loved Jazz. - 

How the hell did she know that? That was a well-kept secret, his thing that he didn’t like to share with anyone. 

-Who told you that? - he asked her harshly and she oggled him, taken aback by his intensity. 

-I… - she stumbled. - You mentioned earlier that the music in Ten Forward was too modern for your taste and that you preferred something with a bit more zass… I must have mistaken it. - she answered hurridly. 

He softened. Maybe he had slipped up by himself. Not a good thing, but with her, he didn’t mind. -No, it’s alright. You guessed correctly. It’s just that I like to keep to myself with it. It’s very old music and no one listens to it, I guess I don’t want people commenting on it. I learned quite early that not everyone has a nice word to say to people who have niche interests or hobbies. - 

-I understand. It is like that for me with old poetry or literature. You know, I read real books; old, dusty printed books. But not only that, the stories are really old, sometimes a thousand years… People find that very strange. Not many understand it, if at all. - 

-Interesting! What do you like to read? - he asked, attentive.

-Oh, anything old… I am currently reading through some old earth opera classics. At the moment, Mozart’s Cosí Fan Tutte. - 

Jesus, she was really unlike anyone he had ever met before. This stuff, she did for fun? -What is it about? - he asked.

-The story is about two couples, specifically the two men. It’s set in Italy, so it’s quite dramatic and emotionally intense.  They boast that their women are truthful and loyal only to them. But then there is a bet to see if they are and well… at the end none of the four are, at all. - she giggled. -I am trying to read it in the original language, but I only had Latin at school, so the Italian original is very hard to read. - 

He shook his head, flabbergasted. 

Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks and held out her arm. He followed her pointed finger and saw a little bar, squeezed in between two old buildings that seemed to lean into it, about to fall over and smash it flat, with a light over the door that showed a single red dog, painted on an illuminated sign. As a result, the dog seemed to glow on the inside. It had a few windows to the street and a warm light fell out over the cobble stones. He had to smile. 

They entered and she went to the bar immediately, where a diminute, thick man with combed back blue hair and reddish freckles recognized her immediately. The room was long and ended in the back with a small stage, upon which a group of musicians was hitting it with their instruments. Round wooden tables, comfortable velvet sofas, candles melting over old wine bottles. A dim lightning, a sulky and heavy atmosphere. It smelled sweet and dusty. He inhaled deep. This could be his next favourite place. There were no Starfleet Uniforms here, only civilian humans and a few aliens sitting at the bar, the small tables, dancing in the back to the music.

Oh. And what wonderful music. From the moment he had walked in, it had taken a hold of his entire being. He couldn’t stop his feet from dancing to the rhythm and his fingers playing along, twitching with desire to get up there with the others, pick a trombone and see what he could do. There were a bass, and a real contrabasso at that, a few guitars, a trumpet, a violin. He could see more instruments in the back, popped up over the piano or in the corner. The singer was a lean, long man in a sparkly black suit. They were truly fantastic. He recognized the song. 

We′re all alone; no chaperone can get our number…
The world's in slumber; Let′s Misbehave.

Kathryn was at the bar, laughing wholeheartedly at whatever the tiny man had said, her arms bent over the wooden surface, a hand under her chin. He was setting down two full glasses next to her and telling another joke with a raised finger, making her laugh out loud yet again. Curious and with a warm feeling inside him, he approached them and leaned on the corner of the bar, next to her. 

-This place is wonderful. - He sighed and looked her in the eyes. She returned his gaze and held it, for almost a second too long. He couldn’t really make it out in this light, but she seemed to be blushing ferociously. 

-Will, meet Timothy. He is my favourite Irish bartender. Stay on his good side and you will never go home sober or worry about what to do when you are alone in the night with nothing to do. He is always open. Do you like the band? -

-I love the band! - he said with emphasis. 

Timothy smiled. -They are me friends and me brothers. They play very well, eh. Come on, boy, drink up. - And he slid one of the glasses towards Will, who picked it up and drank a large sip. A burning sensation raged down his throat and stomach and he had to cough, teary eyed. 

Kathryn was laughing at him, holding her belly. -Sorry, I should have told you it was real. - 

That little devil. He growled to himself, but he was nowhere near angry. 

There's something wild about you, child, that's so contagious…
Let′s be outrageous; Let′s Misbehave.

-Kate, let’s dance. - he told her simply and put an arm around her waist, pulling her with him. 

-Oh Will, I don’t know… - she said, giggling, but let him take her across the room to the many couples and groups listening to the music, standing, dancing and moving around. It wasn’t as crowded as Ten Forward, but they also weren’t alone. He liked it; he could be a little anonymous here. No one knew him and he felt strong and like he was set loose, as if anything could happen. And she was here, captivating him entirely.

On the dance floor, he turned her towards him in a swift pull and took one of her hands. His other, he kept on her waist. How much smaller than him she was, he noticed, yet not of a size difference that made dancing impossible. He had not done this in ages and it took him a second to get into it again. For her, apparently, it was the same; both were concentrating on their feet, looking down, moving slow. When he suddenly felt that they had clicked, it became insanely great within seconds. He could guide her with ease, spin her around, take her with him. She let him do whatever he wanted to and kept smiling beautifully all the time, following him with elegance and swaying her hips. He enjoyed this so much, he could anticipate her so well, play with her. His heart began to feel at home with her. He definitely had to thank Geordi later.

When Adam won Eve's hand, he wouldn′t stand for teasin'...
He didn′t care about those apples out of season. 

Oh, how she enjoyed this. He was making her dance, spinning her around and she felt like this was the most fun she had since an eternity. The music was beautiful and lively, some old earth classic. How handsome he looked in that deep red shirt. His lean, tall figure, the wide shoulders. His strong arms, holding her, pulling at her, moving her around. She realized she trusted him fully. The alcohol was making her lightheaded and impulsive, feeling warm and electric in her insides. He was looking at her from above, beaming wide, sparkling blue eyes and she closed hers, leaning her head back and raising her arms while he held her by the waist, her back curving over his hands. 

When she tried to get up again, he helped her by pulling her swiftly towards him, smacking her hips tightly into his own. She gasped in surprise and let her hands fall, landing on his shoulders. His own hands were still on her waist, holding her tight, pressing her to him. She was unsure if she should do this, but it was intoxicating to feel him touch her, to let him have his way, it was impossible to keep a straight head and push him away. At least this way he wouldn’t have eyes for some other woman, she thought. And he was Will Riker, famous for his thousand one-nightstands; she might as well have some fun while she was on a mission in the past. Shouldn’t she? She wasn’t married to Riker in her later timeline; there was nothing that would go from here, even if she allowed this to happen, right? She wasn’t so sure herself entirely. Maybe she needed to drink more. Or nothing from now on, sober up.

He spun her around again and she had to close her eyes when she smelled him. This was exactly what she had feared would happen if she ever let herself get even an inch too close to this man. She was about to lose her ability to say no, in case he tried anything with her, she would probably go along with it and even beg him. God, no. How embarrassing. He was barely twenty. Men at that age were rarely any good in bed, she shouldn’t even go there in her thoughts. They were too green behind their ears, inexperienced and had no idea where to find the right spots on a woman’s body. Not only would it be very hard to explain when she saw Deanna tomorrow, but it would surely just be a disappointment… Even if he was famous for sleeping around Campus, that wasn’t any indication at all that he was actually a good lover. And she was older now, less patient, more demanding. She had to remind herself of their thirty year age difference. Yet her young body betrayed her, with butterflies flooding her and a hot feeling somewhere deep inside.

They say the spring means just one thing to little love birds.
We're not above birds; Let′s Misbehave.

He kept singing along with the song, rejoicing on the inside from a sunny happiness that had taken over every fiber of his body. She was observing him while they moved, as if she was evaluating him, a Mona Lisa smile on her pretty face. Then he spun her around again and she leaned her head back like she had done before. He wondered how she would smell if he buried his head into that soft spot above her collarbones, what sound she would make when he bit her softly. He wondered if he could make her scream. If anyone, he felt she would be the type to. He was feeling hot and cold, his skin tingling wherever she touched him. When she put his hands on his shoulders again and one finger caressed along the back of his neck, he shuddered almost violently. 

He wondered why she had rejected him so decidedly earlier and now couldn’t take her eyes off of him. And how she looked at him, as if she was slowly undressing him in her mind. She bit her lip and he felt an almost painful twisting of his insides, heat crawling into his loins. Goddammit, Kathryn, he thought. It was increasingly hard to concentrate. He was unsure, after all, if she really wanted this and he was scared that she was just behaving this way from the emotions of the music and the dancing. The song invited the listener to misbehave a little, after all. Misbehave, the silly old word gave him goosebumps, all of the sudden.

Without a warning, she left his arms and turned to walk back to the bar. Looking at her behind, at the curves of her, he had an intense desire to smack her ass and pull her back towards him, sink his teeth into her. The intensity of it almost scared him. 

There's something wild about you, child, that's so contagious…
Let′s be outrageous; Let′s Misbehave.

Back at the bar, she found their glasses and downed hers. With a burning tongue, she grimaced painfully, feeling the flames of the alcohol touch down deep inside her. Timothy was polishing a few glasses, looking at her with a smirk. Behind her, Will had come back as well and picked up his glass too. 

-Kate, tell me why did you reject me and then later you ask me out? I need to know. - he said to her, leaning in close. 

She played around with the rim of her glass, passing the tip of her finger over it. -To be truthfully honest, I don’t know. - she said. -Maybe I was afraid you would meet someone else before I could decide. - She admitted. 

-Decide on what? - he asked further. 

Good question. Why had she said that? She hadn’t meant anything with that. Or had she? It was impossible to think straight, with him closer and closer every second. But she didn’t move, for some reason she couldn’t. She needed to distract him before anything happened here.

-Why did you get into command? - she asked him a counter question and he retreated for an inch or so, to think about an answer. 

-Alright. So the answer I always tell people is that I like to take on responsibility and I intend to go as far as possible with my career. But to be honest with you, that isn’t the entire story. I think that when my mother died and my father sort of disappeared, you know, I was suddenly left with this feeling of a total loss of control. And it was the worst thing in the world. I think I want to be responsible, when bad things happen, because that is not what I’m scared of, but I want to have the tools in my hand and the power to save people, to repair something, to change a situation. Never again do I want to feel that powerless. - 

She gulped, staring at him. It was the same reason she had gone back to the Academy in 2358, to do the fast-track command course. It was the death of her father and Justin that moved her to finally switch into command. She wanted to share it with him, say me too! but none of these things had happened yet and she couldn't expose that she was a time traveler. So she just smiled warmly, with a great sadness in her chest, and put a hand on his forearm, pressing her fingers into his flesh. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she couldn’t. -I understand - she said then simply. She wondered how a man so young could say things that made her think about her own experiences in another light, and why she had such a desire to open herself up to him. 

If you'd be just so sweet and only meet your fate, dear,
It would be the great event of nineteen twenty-eight, dear. 

It had not eluded him, how sad she suddenly had gotten. Was it really just because of the story he had just told her? Because it had been such a long time ago, it did not cause him any pain anymore and he could talk about it nonchalantly. No, there was something else. Some of that heaviness that seemed to overcome her from time to time. He had not seen even a glimpse of it until today, but over the course of this single evening, a few bits here and there, shining through with unexpected depth. There was something within her that she would not tell him. Or anyone probably, for that matter. Of course, they had only gone out for a few hours, he barely even knew her. And yet, he felt he could trust her with his life. Despite her contradictions, despite her secrets. Despite that heaviness she apparently carried around. He kept wondering about it. Maybe it had something to do with all those small things she constantly kept forgetting.

-Do you like it at the Academy? - he asked her then. 

-I love it here. - She smiled. - Although it was a bit difficult to settle, once I came here. It took me quite a while to feel at ease with the people. Maybe that is why I am such a loner and I do so many of my things in secret. - 

-Why was it so difficult? - He had nudged his head into the direction of a free couch, she had nodded and was walking beside him towards the small table with the candles. Slowly, they sat down next to each other. The cushions were old and the springs too weak, when he let his weight fall into the couch, she almost slipped onto his lap. Careful, he helped her up again, but no matter how they sat, they kept nearing each other. So they stopped fighting and sat there, with their upper thighs touching, their hips together. He put an arm on the backrest to allow her arms free space. She leaned a bit into him.

-I guess it was hard because there was a prejudice that I would fail at the Academy as people thought I only had gotten in because of my father. And when I didn’t fail, people were cheerful for me at first. However, when I became class best, it was over with the friendliness. I think some people suppose that he does my homework or helps me. If they only knew that he actually checks my work so thoroughly, he sometimes ruins it for me entirely,... well, I don’t know. No one really gave me a chance to be myself, so I never tried to be. I am this persona that people made up and it’s fine, I can live with that, while staying somewhat true to myself when I am alone with myself. - 

He sighed and his chest rose and fell, making her lean deeper into his arms. -I understand… I had a similar experience, just the opposite way around… when I came from Alaska, from the farm, there were so many things I had no idea how to do, so much knowledge I had never learned. People treated me very well, they thought that I was a poor farmer’s boy and needed some extra help. But I also had a father in Starfleet and I was not entirely new to the game, so I put in the work and managed to surpass most of my peers. I guess people were not such a fan anymore, now that a “poor farmer’s boy” could humble them by being better than them. And I also learned that people will mock you sometimes if you show your vulnerable self and they don’t understand it. I guess we both have a secret life in the shadows, if you think about it. - 

He heard her laugh softly, her back vibrated on his chest. -Starfleet was always a home for me. - She said with seriousness. -The place that modelled how I felt humanity needed to become and behave, with others, with themselves. I felt like by being here I could make a change. - 

He nodded silently. Again, she had said exactly what he was thinking. What was this? He asked himself suddenly. If she was any other woman, he would have taken her home, tried to give her an amazing time and in the morning, left it at that. But he couldn’t imagine leaving her in the morning, just like that. He was almost anxious for breakfast and to start the day laying in her wonderful arms. It made him lightheaded, to think of the possibility that she might be interested in him. That she might let him play the long game with her. He never felt so understood by anyone in his life, ever before. 

Lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed how his arm had slipped down from the backrest and around her, nor that he was caressing her forehead and her hair. She sat up straight and raised her arms, pulling something out of her tight and complicated updo and then, her hair fell free and was flowing over her back, almost to her hips. He was breathless, speechless, at the incredible woman who was suddenly sitting here with him. Her auburn hair, shining in the candlelight, her beautiful blue eyes, her slender wrists, that pointed chin and her cute nose. When she leaned back on him, she hooked one leg over his knee. Her hair smelled of herbs and summer, of cinnamon and a hint of burned ash, like fire. She was everything, numbing all of his senses. He had to close his eyes while a new wave of heat rushed through him. 

There's something wild about you, child, that's so contagious…
Let′s be outrageous; Let′s Misbehave.

And then, if it hadn’t all been enough, she looked up at him with those eyes, like a deer, cute and helpless but also wild and somewhat untamed. It was over for him and he wrapped his arm again around her, grabbed the leg she had swung over him with his other hand and pulled her close to him. He needed to kiss her. When their lips touched and she began kissing him back, he moaned into her mouth, overwhelmed with happiness and pleasure. How the hell was she such a good kisser? It blew him away, how she bit on his lower lip, how she teased him, how she returned to invade him with hunger. 

Slowly, he noticed that she was pressing onto him, almost sitting on him, his thigh between her legs, his hands on her ass, squeezing. He was afraid he would get hard right there, in the corner of this bar, so he forced himself to stop and grabbed her wrists, holding them down with force. 

-Hold on, Kathryn. Or I will undress you right here, right now. We need to go somewhere else. -

She had a strange expression on her face and was looking down at her immobile hands, caught in his strong grip. Then, she nodded slowly. 

______________________________________

He had no memory of how they had gotten back on Campus. Something about public transporters and finding one that did the Main Campus and then they had already landed in front of the central building. From here, it was only 600 metres to the dorms where he lived. She was adamant on going to his place; she said that Lettie might have taken Geordie home and she had no desire to explain any of this to either of them. It was fine by him, he neither, and he would do whatever she wanted if it meant he could have her to himself. 

On the way through the darkened park, they kept stopping to kiss and touch each other. Barely a few steps from the transporter site, he already had her pinned against a tree ravaging her with hungry kisses. He figured, if he did a study, he would bet his right hand that everyone he had ever slept with would probably say that he was a tender, sweet, caring lover. That he asked before anything and never took a yes for granted, that he was respectful and soft with his girls. And yet here he was, groaning like an animal in heat, holding a woman so close to him that he was scared she might break, pressing her into the rough bark of a tree, biting into her lips and one of his hands searching for their way into her pants without any regard for what she had to say. But her, oh god. Instead of resisting this attack, she was moaning loudly, scratching over the skin of his back under his shirt, holding to his neck for dear life and offering her pelvis to him, pushing it into his hand, one knee in the air. 

He was dizzy, lightheaded, he had no idea how he would manage to walk the rest of the distance to his quarters. But he also had no desire to get caught by someone whilst having Sex with an Admiral’s daughter right in the middle of the Campus yard. So he used the last bit of strength and clarity he had in his poor brain, pulled himself together and dragged her with him towards his building. She followed him, giggling. 

__________________________________

Arriving at his room, she took three steps into the place, turned around slowly and looked at the way he had decorated. There was a picture of Mars, over his bed, fiery red and intense, glowing slightly. He had a small model of the Enterprise on the shelf next to his desk. A few Padds, a pair of boots thrown into the corner. He liked things neat and simple, there wasn’t much to look at. Then, she just stood there, in the center, playing with the zip of her uniform jacket. 

He closed the door and  crossed the distance between them. Suddenly wanting to take it soft, he helped her take off the jacket, gently and slowly pulling it down her arms. Seeing the curves of her shoulders, the outline of her breasts, her waist, he felt the intensity building up again. She pulled her long sleeve over her head and he marvelled at her soft, pale skin. He bowed down to kiss her, wanting to continue slowly, but the way she kissed him made it near impossible. Something in him switched and he grabbed her hard by the waist to shove her onto the bed with violence. 

He kept having to check, to observe her face if she didn’t like any of what he was doing, but she was grinning wide now, her eyes dark and sparkly, licking her lips. Breathing fast, he tore his own shirt off, kicked his boots into the corner with the others and continued undressing her. His heart was thumping loudly. He was about to sleep with the most interesting woman he had ever met, and he was shaking. One leather boot, then the other one. Her socks, her beautiful feet. She was opening the buttons of her trousers and strampling free, while he ripped them off of her. He couldn’t wait, he needed her. Almost desperate, he struggled to get out of his own pants and stumbled on the bed, almost falling onto her. She pulled him close with the same desperation and their mouths crashed into a breathtaking kiss. Oh god, how she moved under him, his brain stopped working and there was nothing in the universe apart from her hot mouth, her delicious moaning. He covered her neck with kisses and she blushed sweetly, throwing her head back into the pillows, aching from the pleasure. 

He couldn’t tell how it was that she had managed to drive him so mad, to unlock such an animal from within the depths of him, but he also couldn’t do a thing to stop himself anymore, even if he tried. She was hissing like a cat, scratching him, crying out when he licked over her chest. He dug his fingers into her flesh, ran his hands along her sides, kissed her beautiful breasts. Hooking his thumbs on her panties, he wanted to pull them off of her, he needed to see more of her, to bury himself into her. He was shaking, still, overwhelmed by it all. She was untameable, wild as he was, hungry for him. He had to grab her with force because she enjoyed fighting him. 

She lifted her hips and he ripped her last piece of clothing off. Aggressively, he pushed her knees out far and lowered his head to her sweet spot. She cried out loud when he licked over her once, it was enough to make him go feral again. 

It didn’t take long and he had her wincing under him, moaning loud and heavy, her hands in his hair, her knees shaking. She trembled and arched her back, he worked his tongue over her with the greatest dedication he could muster up. A little further, a little more, a little harder, and he made her scream in delight. She was almost ripping his hairs out, her fists clenching his head, pressing him into her. 

When he finally lifted his face and licked his lips, she lay there an absolute mess; her chest flushed hotly, her breathing erratic, her hands on her face, covering her eyes. Her elbows were shaking. He leaned his forehead on one of her knees, catching his breath, while he listened to her do the same. She had tasted incredible. He could do this a million times again, starting right tomorrow. Or later that night, if she let him.  He had to smile and bite his lower lip, feeling happy, almost drunk by desire. 

She had recuperated and opened her eyes again, sighing profoundly. 

-Oh god. - She breathed. -That was unexpectedly wonderful. I underestimated you. - 

-And we haven’t even started, darling… - he warned her in a dangerous tone, grinning, getting back up on his knees. He could see her smile and blush after calling her that, but instead of softening him, it only made his desire for her worsen into greater intensity. She pulled herself up onto her elbows and looked at him defiantly. 

-How would you like to have me? - she whispered and he groaned in response. It took him less than a second to flip her onto her stomach and discard his own underwear behind him onto the floor. In the low lights, the reddish hair flowing over her back looked insanely beautiful and he stared into her eyes as he lowered himself onto her. He had been painfully hard ever since pinning her onto that tree and he was ready now more than ever to fuck the living shit out of her. He wanted to bite her, press her down into the mattress, make her scream. The way she raised her hips when he entered her; it was enough to make him do exactly that. 

So he grabbed her by her long hair, put his other hand on the crease of her back and leaned his entire weight onto her as he started to thrust into her with force. She whimpered and moaned, crying out with every thrust. It was incredible, insanely intense, mindblowing. He had never slept with someone and enjoyed it this much, it was almost too good to be true. She was helpless under him and he enjoyed every second of it, how she gave herself to him, how she submitted to whatever he wanted to do, how he could ravage her and she loved it. 

He smacked her ass and it felt even better than he imagined previously, so he grabbed it with force and lay his torso on her. Licking her neck, biting her softly, he moaned now too and gave her his everything. He melted into her. They became one. 

___________________________

When she was sure that he was deep asleep, she stood up very carefully, blew him a soft kiss into the air and began to collect her clothes. She found everything but her underwear, and dressed fully, but picked her boots into her arms to avoid making a sound. Her time had not run out for some reason, but she needed to return her body now. Her younger self had no idea what had happened and she had no desire to have the poor girl wake up in some stranger's bed, especially William Riker, without any explanation. She doubted that her younger self would have slept with him and she tried not to feel too guilty about it. 

Somehow she managed to get back into her own dorms and back into her own bed without running into anyone. She was in no mood for strange questions. It was late in the night and she was a mess; with her hair roughed up, her lips red and swollen from the kissing, her entire body sore. Oh christ Kathryn, what the hell would he think tomorrow, when she had no idea who he was.

Wanting to get up, write a note to her younger self explaining it all, she suddenly got very dizzy. Her stomach turned, her head exploded into a ferocious headache and she saw a thousand stars passing in front of her eyes. She felt like she was falling and then everything went black.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

Pain, awful pain, was all she could focus on; blinding headaches that kept raging in neverending waves through her. When it finally ebbed off ever so slightly, she found herself sitting on the edge of the reclining chair, back in her laboratory, shaking, drenched in sweat. Water was pearling from her forehead, running down her nose and falling in small drops into the palms of her trembling hands. Her old hands, the callusses, the thin fingers she knew so well. Almost a small relief to be back in one’s own body, if it wasn't so heavily overshadowed by the perturbing agony she had to surrender defenselessly to. Moaning weakly, she pushed herself up and walked a few steps to the door, holding onto the frame as if to dear life. She was blinking quickly, the lights were scratching over her retinas.

When she finally reached the top of the stairs, she was greeted by the soft silence of a calm, austere morning. She must have forgotten to close a window somewhere; the living room was cold and humid, salty to her lips. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, grateful for the breeze. In the shy, monotonous gray light of the early hours, things seemed sharp and crisp, reborn. The deepchested sighing of the vast ocean and the rumbling of a hundred waves crashing onto the wet stones of the sharp cliffs roared quietly in the distance. Everything around her had an air of timelessness. This very instance could have been happening at any moment, in a frame of existence that had no temporal dimension at all. A piece of glass, the echo of a vinyl that repeats itself, an endless vibration. Waves on the stones, wind, roaring of water. A light that fades in and out every now and then without apparently marking the end or beginning of a day.  

The headache began to fade, slowly, turning from the furious storm into a low humming, a barely hammering discomfort, a cold fever in the back of her skull. Tiredness settled thickly with a fierce suddenness into her joints and she had trouble walking those last few meters to the replicator to get some coffee. Her hands were almost ice cold by then, blue at the knuckles. Dressed in her black and red Admiral’s uniform, just like she had yesterday Evening, she felt alien to her own body, suddenly missing the deep blue that had covered her younger chest just moments prior. Somehow she was again, orderly and neat, clean. Her skin had dried.

She sat down in a lonely armchair, in front of one of the windows that reached the floor and looked out quietly into the pale weather. It was her breathing and her heart, the slow and regular thumping, that she listened to, waiting for her system to finish calming down, for herself to return to the Living entirely. The coffee seemed to make it better, the warmth of it in her throat, the acid, bitter taste, the rawness of it. She just couldn’t let it go just yet.

Again, she closed her eyes, leaning back. A seagull screamed hoarsely in the far distance. Everything was quiet, pulsating, electrical. All of the sudden, a cascade of memories rushed over her like a bucket of cold water. William. His smile, annoyingly handsome. Dark hair, a long arm, the red of his shirt. Walking through dark streets. William, blue eyes, telling her something, his face much too close to her exposed neck, goosebumps and a giggle, how his voice resonated in the depths of her abdomen. A hand on her back, pushing her into the pillows. She gasped and covered her mouth with one hand. William, broadshouldered, standing in the middle of the hallway, panting like a tiger about to jump his prey, leaning an arm on the wall, towering over her. William, laying on the bed, digging his fingers into her hips as she rode him, screaming. William, the way his glorious neck looked when his muscles tightened , how he threw his chin back and groaned in ecstasy. William-

She noticed that she was painfully biting down on her own thumb. There were imprints of her teeth on her skin. Restless, she forced herself to breathe slower, to push these thoughts away, to rationalize her feelings. Last night she had slept with a man the age of her students; a boy almost. A man who would be marrying her best friend only years later. A man she had been supposed to save. She would be lying if she declared that she was only realizing the complexity of it now, was only now aware of all of the unforeseeable consequences she might have caused. No, she had known from the beginning. At what point had she ignored it all and just went with it? Just went with him? Maybe after she had fallen into his lap, at the red dog. Another lie. When he had sat down and introduced herself, right after he had smiled for the first time. That was not true either. Maybe sooner, in her first week at the Academy. He had turned once to look at her, one second too long, his head a bit too tilted, his eyes a bit too dark and she had known then. Meeting him again, now, what a strange and stirring chance of fate.

Raging guilt and shame made her face flush red with heat. She had deliberately ignored everything that she had planned and thrown herself into him like she had never done with a man. Like she had thought that she couldn’t; at least not so intense so quick. Thinking it through now, with a clear head, hours later… thirty years later, technically… There were sides of herself cracking open from under her deepest inner layers that she herself had never seen before. It was almost liberating, if she weren’t so consumed with bitter shame. More than once, she had to take the reins of her own thoughts with almost violent dedication. Every fiber of her brain was obsessed with returning to - Oh god. She could never tell Deanna. 

Overwhelmed and distracted, she put down the cup on the small table next to her armchair. Having freed both of her hands again and looking at them with attention, she had an impulsive desire to touch herself, strong as never before. Her insides cramped together painfully, deliciously and her mouth wetted in anticipation. Heat flushed through her. It was all-consuming, maddening, he dominated her head. This stupid, young boy. Cocky. Arrogant. Awfully good-looking. William, running his own hands down her body, smiling, biting his lips, telling her that she was fucking b-

With a fierce, exhausted determination, she stood up to get her coat. 

___________________________

A wind caressed like a fresh and honest kiss through the low hanging branches of a tree, older than any she had seen before, blowing up her hair and pleasantly cooling her warm cheeks. She was alone, only surrounded by the thick green giants towering over this part of the cemetery.  Stones and flowers, figures, angels, animals, wings, crosses, candles, symbols. There was a silent richness to it all, a liveliness bursting with colors, although frozen, in time and in movement. As she advanced slowly, walking without a sound through the rows of decorated graves, she kept looking out for the tree her friend had described her. The feeling of eerie timelessness had not left her since this morning; it only had gotten worse with the constancy of the weather, the deserted streets, the antique stones and decorations on the graveyard. Neither wind nor light had changed much, and apart from the two colleagues at the transporter station, she had only seen one other human outside, alive. 

Behind a hill atop of which a stone building decorated with high columns and the statue of a flying angel stood, she could see a soft deepening in the landscape before her. Long wild grass moved like liquid in the calm wind, a pale green, a dry yellow. Moss on the steps of a brick staircase towards the low end of the hill. A few birds, not making a sound. She walked slowly towards the broad body of a giant acorn, holding her crossed hands together in front of her chest. Wind pushed her into the deep grass, high as to her hips. This was a corner not many people seemed to visit often, the stone cobbles were covered and overgrown. The gravestones were broken, ferns leaning over them, colored by age and time. 

A few more steps and she reached the powerful tree, the beautiful and heavy sycamore tree. A roughed up bark covered it up to its lightest branches. Tired, it hung its arms over a patch of grass. At its feet, a gray plaquette lay engraved, framed in the shy fingers of young weeds. It was neatly kept, clean and looked almost new, very easy to find; as if it had just been placed there with care the day prior, had it not been for the date. Blue flowers almost covered the name of the inscription on it. She bowed down and reached out a hand to brush them away with gentle softness. 

William T. Riker
2335-2375

There was only his name. Not a phrase, no decorum. Blunt and simple, as he had been, as she had known him now and back then. She had to smile slightly, remembering his straightforwardness. A stone very befitting of him. And then the date. Standing up, she sighed heavily, a hint of her headache returning, a metallic coolness in her temples.

It took a long time before she was able to turn away from it. Nothing had changed. She would have to do it again. A heavy longing nagged in her chest as she walked away, with a hint of giddy anticipation, clouded with shame.

_________________________

The following week, it was impossible to concentrate on her work. Deanna had tried to call a few times, but she had not answered, making up excuses that she had not been able to start the mission, the devices weren't ready, that she was still calculating the exact travel parameters. Whatever lie seemed the most intelligent to her, she developed into a complex story and held it ready, in case her friend would contact her again.

If things were unchanged after the next jump, she would have to continue the travel experiments for their mission until she completed all three, regardless of what she wanted. After the next, she would have time to explain everything to Deanna, if she dared to. If things would change and if she succeeded, then she would never have to explain a thing to anyone. She dreaded talking to Deanna. There was no captain's mask in the entire galaxy that could fool a Betazoid, especially when these feelings were as strong as these. All-consuming. Maddening.

If she could only lie with ease, pokerface her way through this. Because how could she interact like always with her dear friend Deanna, while in her mind, all she could think about was that man, that slender torso, those rough hands, those strong shoulders. How could they talk as they had done all those years prior, when all Kathryn could think about was her best friend's husband and how she wanted to let him fuck her until she couldn’t walk anymore. His laughter when their fighting turned to play, his surprise when she bit him again, how firmly he held her when he loved her. How could they ever go back to what they were. 

Maybe Deanna would forgive her. Technically, Will and her had not been married, when Kathryn met him. But it was her older self who had slept with him; the version of ehrself of teh future point in the timeline where Deanna had married him and lived as a widow, with a broken heart and an empty bedside. What was worse, sleeping with a dead man? Sleeping with an academy student? Sleeping with her best friend's husband?

All those years throughout her life where she had always avoided the topic of sex, avoided sleeping with interesting men when they wooed her but the situation was complicated. She knew why she did these things. Usually, it was not worth the trouble, the sleepless nights. Very rarely had she ignored everything, all outer boundaries and conditions and allowed herself to indulge. Hell, she had spent seven years as close as anyone could be with Chakotay, loving him secretely, desiring him. And now she had gone on a mission and managed to get ehrself in this masterpiece of a moral dilemma. She knew exactly why she had not done it before. Why was this so different? 

She woke up every day with the same ache in her insides, dressed herself and stared at her own face in the mirror. She stared at the coffee in the glass. She stared at her hands before the lecture or the seminar. Sometimes her pulse was quicker, often it was slow. How could she tell her. Sometimes a student raised their hand. Sometimes it was hard to concentrate on answering their questions. Letting her mouth talk on his own seemed like the easiest thing, while she was helpless against her own fantasies. His eyes, how he looked like a frog sometimes, those hairs standing up, the weird walk he had. How beautiful he was, overall, his face, his mind, his heart. How could she. Everywhere she went, a shadow of him went, too. 

After six days, she could not bear it any longer. She needed to solve this problem. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 7

It took her another two days of sorting out her raging doubts, the biting, nagging shame, the insanity of her own desire, to be able to properly formulate a coherent thought, a plan, a method of approach to the situation at hand. Despite how she usually found (or tried to find) her ways to handle herself and her emotions; this time she thought about her old friend Tuvok and attempted to use a few of the Vulcan meditation techniques he had taught her. It had been many years since she had last done so and in the beginning, her thoughts wandered and her head hurt from the exercise. She had chosen a patch of stones near her house, at the edge of a sharp cliff that warmed up when the sun fell on it during certain hours. There she sat, immobile, breathing rhythmically, with her eyes closed and the tips of her fingers touching, awaiting a clarity of mind that took a long time to settle within her.

After the two days, her mind was much calmer. After a bit of a fight against her own inner turmoils, she had fallen into the state of flow that she remembered from her meditations years ago. Breezing over her feelings, putting them in order, a sense of power and the crystalline, clear knowledge that she knew exactly how to navigate whatever came her way. She was able to focus. She knew what she needed to do.

In the following further three days, she devised a plan. She would jump again, with the conscience-relocalizer. She would jump into the night of the Academy Graduation Ball of 2357, in late August, right into the evening. It was a safe thing that she herself had been there, although from her own memories only shortly. Anyhow, it was enough for this second step of her mission. There was a thought in the back of her mind that she was ignoring something important. But when after three days, she couldn’t put a finger on it, she decided to leave it at that and continue with the plan.

She would approach William for the second time and, again, find a way to distract him. And this time, she would avoid so much as touching him. It seemed like an easy plan. She just needed to stick by it. Maybe he had forgotten their encounter already and moved on. For him, in his timeline, their first meeting would have been over two years ago by the time she encountered him again. And he was William Riker, after all. If he could sleep with every other woman on campus without forming any kind of attachments, he could probably do the same with the little science cadet Janeway too. If Kathryn remembered correctly, in all of her time at the Academy, William had not spoken to her or approached her in any way; neither before nor after their blind date. After graduation, they had gone their separate ways and never seen each other again, with the small exception of the little Q-Trial during her time in the Delta Quadrant. Q had erased his memory, and she herself wasn’t so sure it had been real either. But as to their relationship after that passionate night after the blind date; if she had actually changed some part or details of the future with her last visit, it sure did not have an effect on their relationship back then. She should not worry so much. Everything would be fine. 

All preparations had been completed, all the parameters researched, the data input into the CR. Everything was ready. But was she? She had to grab the edge of the seat with nervous hands as she was laying there, blinking, breathing fast, stiff and restrained, waiting for it. The little device on her chest was charging up, buzzing electrically. Her whole body was tense, her mind racing. She could hear the echo of her stressed breathing.

Suddenly, her thoughts blurred and her intestines were torn inside out by a violent pull. Her skull cracked open and her brain dissolved into cold water. Stars and thunderbolts flashed over her blinded eyes. Then, everything went dark. 

____________________________________________

Falling over her feet, she stumbled, almost falling; a strong hand was holding her by her elbow, pulling her back up. Diving out from cold water, reaching the surface. She coughed and painfully drew in air, wheezing, inclining forwards, cramping together. For a second, she was dizzy and her vision faded into blurry, black spots. 

-Kathryn, are you alright? - a male voice asked her. Worried. Soft. 

She grabbed one of her knees to support herself and tried to stand up to her full height, that hand still firmly around her elbow. The light cerulean fabric of an elegant dress fell down her legs, covering her up to her ankles, a slight surprise at seeing it, the pleasure of confirming that her jump had worked, by the color of it. She looked up and had to blink a few times, overwhelmed. Noise washed over her, music, a thousand voices, glittering lights, the high and decorated ceiling of the Academy’s main conference room. The ballroom, Graduation, she was here, she had done it. Slowly, she acclimated to her surroundings. People around her, dressed elegantly, a moving crowd. A few of them in Starfleet uniforms, many of them in extravagant dresses or suits, holding glasses, talking loudly. A woman with a beautiful hairdo walking by her, a hint of perfume, a man laughing with his companion. The music, lively, a catching rhythm. 

She turned to look at the man at her side and snorted in surprise, recognizing him instantly. It was Ben Fowley, an Engineer, her graduation year. Green eyes, a dirty blonde, a dashing smile. A somewhat edgy, blunt face, raw and big hands that she liked. She remembered almost nothing about him apart from the fact that they had dated for a short while, just around her first graduation. He had that look in his eyes he always had when he was worried. Sort of like a sad puppy. She had to refrain from laughing, so she bit the inside of her cheek. 

-It’s alright, Ben. - she said to him. She remembered nothing about their relationship as well. She did not even remember how they had ended their relationship, only that it wouldn’t seem to end; he was the jealous type, insecure. Maybe she could save her younger self some trouble and end it now. She would be free for the evening. 

Ben drew an arm around her waist. - Alright, sweetie, you had me worried for a second. - He kissed her and for a tiny moment, she remembered why she had gone out with him. He was confident, a little bold and reckless, romantic. A great kisser. She had felt alone at some point, seeing that everyone at the Academy either had someone or was meeting someone and she herself was perpetually alone, always buried in her research for the thesis, unable to interact properly with normal people. She had found Ben somewhere in a shared class about engines and propulsion theories. He had been an excellent student, with working pants full of tools, grease up to his elbows and that sort of wild, sort of flirty attitude, slightly cocky. In a way, he reminded her of Tom Paris, but it only made him seem more like a brother and less as a partner to be desired. She really had to chuckle now, realizing how often she was drawn to these types, even when she had been barely 20. Ben had been a small, short, pleasant fling. But there was a lot at stake tonight, and she needed to be alone for it. 

She sighed into a half smile. -Ben, we need to talk. - 

-------------------------------------

He had spent the entire evening excitedly memorizing the detailed stats and floor-plan for his first posting after graduation; he would be an ensign aboard the USS Pegasus. It was captained by a man called Eric Pressmann, that Riker had not met yet. An Oberth-class ship that had been completely reworked over, about two years ago, with a crew complement of 80. A science research vessel. Not as adventurous as he had hoped, but he had a feeling it would only be for a short time, and then he might land (or hoped to land) something bigger. He wanted to prepare so well, to excel in such a manner at his job, so that he would be undoubtedly the best and sent only to the best for the next posting after the Pegasus. After all, he, William T. Riker, intended to make Captainship before 35.

Naturally, tonight, instead of arriving at the ball with his usual bursting energy, he was exhausted, greatly distracted with thoughts about outer space and spatial phenomena; uncommonly uninterested in whatever was happening. He had convinced himself to make an effort and therefore dressed in an elegant suit, even wearing a crisp white shirt and a tie; he had brushed his hair back and shaved the corners of his beard sharp. This past year he had begun to wear it long, because it became increasingly annoying to shave it. He was spending so much time writing and researching, studying for the finals, taking extra classes, submerging himself with work, practically living in the library, that he had developed some strategies to spend a little time as possible grooming himself or getting dressed. He had lost interest in a number of things; right now only his degree counted, his grades, making top of his class so that he could lay a good base for his career. He did sometimes go to parties, especially when one of his friends took him there, but he didn’t seek it out on his own anymore. Sometimes at night, he escaped the main campus, walked through San Francisco and searched for the streets to find the little bar with the red dog. For some reason, it seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Everytime he found a street that he was sure, it had been on, it wasn’t. Sometimes he went out with other women, but only when they asked him out. It was honest, open, free, as it had been always. But it kept nagging at him that however fun it was, no one was quite like - goddammit, he shouldn’t think about her again, it would only enrage him.

Lost in thoughts, he walked slowly along a line of plants set in the entry hall to decorate, lifting his fingers to caress the soft, green leaves. They were dotted, covered in pink spots, it looked very interesting. They shivered and danced from his touch. He smiled softly. The entry hall was long, oval shaped, with a heavy staircase leading into the great conference room. Starfleet kept this surprisingly giant room for big events like conferences or the academy ball. It had a rounded, high ceiling with blue-tinted glass windows that showed the stars at  night. It sparkled slightly when walking beneath it. The walls were of a light color and decorated with pale figures of  star charts, pictures of starships, meteors, and spatial phenomena. At the end of the room, a music station had been installed, where a group of Bajorans worked on playing and mixing funky tunes. In the back of the side gallery, a long bar served drinks, food, snacks, and beverages. In the middle of the hall, a crowded dance floor was exploding with life. 

He entered the great hall and stood at the edge of the room, looking over the crowd. He knew many faces, but he was not in the mood to interact with any of them. Maybe he could get a real whiskey at the bar. In a way, he was glad it was over; he could finally start his career outside of the Academy. His relationship with his father had worsened over the past two years, and he intended to prove to him that he was capable, that he could withstand pressure and become a formidable member of the command unit. A captain, even. He thirsted to make his way in the world, to leave his mark, to reach for the stars. He was impatient, restless. In another way, he was sad that it was ending now. He had met great friends here, he had learned so much, he had been given the greatest chance of his life. He did owe the Academy his life, or,  the finding of the purpose of it. 

The bar was crowded, almost impossible to reach through the thick wall of bodies. The bartenders were busy attending everyone, but they were apparently having great fun with it: he saw them smile, laugh and joke while they worked at warp speed. He recognized Guinan and playfully winked at her when she grinned at him. He didn’t even have to say anything; when he finally reached the cool edge of the bar, a glass of whiskey was already waiting for him. 

-Hello, William,- Guinan said with motherly warmth. -good to see you. Are you proud of yourself? I hear you graduated as the eighth best out of everyone else in your entire year. - 

He nodded and smiled politely. - I am, yes, I did. But I could have been top five. I was too lax within my first two years here. - He admitted, wanting to sound funny but unable to hide the pang of disappointment that colored his voice. 

Guinan put a hand on his forearm and smiled, tilting her head. -Sometimes we don’t know what we want until much later, but it’s more important what we do from then on than to blame ourselves for what we did before that. - 

He looked at her and nodded slowly. He had come to appreciate her wisdom over the past two years. He had often gone to her bar, the Ten Forward and talked to her. She seemed to know it all, understand it all, make people have realizations from just listening to them and letting them talk. He felt small next to her, young and stupid, yet safely guided, protected. It was very strange, their friendship, unlike any other he had ever had in his life. 

Guinan disappeared to continue serving and pouring, so Will leaned his chest against the bar, put an elbow on it, and lifted the glass to drink. He was at the corner of the long L-shape and could oversee almost everything from here. When he turned his head slightly to look over his shoulders, he could see the dance floor too. Everything was loud, moving quickly, glittering, making noise. He stood there and felt how his insides were in contrast to his outer realm; feeling calm, almost cool. He was breathing slow, observing. He felt strangely detached and yet, like an inseparable part of it all. A feeling of sonder overcame him, observing all the different people around him and what they were doing. 

A woman approached him. She was tall, with long brown hair and dark eyes. She had high cheekbones and a sharp chin, heavy lashes, a long purple gown. Golden rings.

-Are you William Riker? - She asked him, and her voice was clear like water. He set his gaze upon her and observed her with greater detail. She had a pointed nose, strange ears, and a purple tint of makeup on her eyes and cheeks. Around her neck, a piece of jewelry with a purple stone. She looked ethereal, strangely beautiful. 

He smiled at her, curious. -Yes, I am. -  

She smiled back. -My name is Zaria, I read in my posting’s file that a few other academy graduates would go with me on the USS Pegasus and I thought I’d meet them beforehand. Your name was on the list as well. I sa that you graduated this year and I thought I would find you here, on this ball.- 

Politely, they shook hands. -How come I’ve never seen you before? - he added. 

-I graduated last year, but I stayed here with Professor Sassliwitz, studying meteors and mining strategies for rare metals. I’m in the science department. You are in command, right? -

-Yes. - He nodded. -Nice to meet you, Zaria. Would you care to dance? - 

Her purple cheeks shone prettily as she smiled wide. -I’d love to, William. - 

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It had been a long time, he did not even dare to think how long, since he had had this much fun with another woman. Zaria was a great dancer, funny and interesting. She wa pretty, almost breathtakingly so, and moved in a way that made him suspect she was at least partially alien. Only he couldn’t find out exactly which kind. They had gone to the bar to get drinks, maybe two, three times; he was unsure. Each time, they had talked in a free, easy manner and then went back to dancing. It was only now, suddenly, that he felt like someone was observing him. Nobody in the crowd paid him any special attention, so he attributed it to the fact that sometimes he, Riker, was looked at in certain ways by some of the girls in the Academy. Yet, this was stronger. Sometimes he turned to look, and it prickled on his skin. It made him nervous, knowing that he was not alone. Zaria either did not notice, or it was all in his head, but he decided to catch some air and free his thoughts. He had spent too much time locked in a library. There was nothing; he was probably just seeing ghosts. 

On the way outside, the feeling grew stronger. He couldn't quite identify it. Ther was such a crowd, such a mass of people, anyone could have been looking at him and probably was. Yet this, what he was feeling, it was something else. Zaria took him by her hand, pulling him outside, and he really wanted to go. He had an intuition that she was abot to kiss him. Maybe a bad idea, just in the night before they would be sent off to their first posting together and then sharing a few weeks on a small ship, but who cared. Tonight, they were still students. And he wouldn’t mind a bit of great sex on a ship in deep space. But he still was nervous, scanning his surroundings, when he suddenly caught something in the corner of his eye. A blue shadow, behind the plants, hiding when he looked. Frozen, he stood dead in his tracks.

Zaria smiled, dashingly, beautifully and his stomach dropped, realizing that he wanted to follow her and kiss her, do all sorts of things to her, but something else was pulling him away, making him alert, roughing up his insides. 

-Zaria, my dear. - he said, wanting to be soft, but as he said it, he saw it again, the blue shadow. His hair at the neck stood up, he was about to show his teeth, fear making him aggressive. He manahged to upkeep the soft tone in his voice. -I am sorry, I have to look at something quick. I forgot something. Can I meet you outside? - 

She nodded, smiling still, unaware of his rising nervousness. When she left, he looked after her for a second, then turned swiftly and sprang elegantly towards the plants that decorated the entry hall. With two steps, he was right between them, ducking under the leaves and following the wall towards the shadow he had devised. Whoever it was that had been following him, was evidently not prepared; he caught the small figure right in the act.  

To his surprise, it was none other than the blue eyes of Kathryn Janeway that stared at him like a deer in headlights, ducked behind the bushes, dressed in a long, cerulean blue gown. When they locked eyes, both gasped loudly.

Chapter Text

Chapter 8 

In The Shadows

There had been no time to hide. He had been just too damn fast. 

All evening she had preyed on him like a bad spy, an insecure observer, unable to step in and fulfill the demands of her mission. Since the conversation with her former lover had ended and they had, indeed, parted ways, she had searched everywhere for him. Only to find him in the arms of a woman so breathtaking, so divine, that both William and Kathryn could not seem to withstand her, orbiting her like dazed planets. What would she say? Each time she mustered up the confidence to go over there and distract him, change the course of the evening, get him out of there, the sudden blankness in her mind stopped her from doing so. From his point of view, they hadn’t spoken in two years. Maybe she should wait for the right opportunity, a graceful coincidence, something that could work as a conversation starter. But how she had underestimated the way his presence left her, nervous, trembling, speechless. Goddammit, if she had only thought of something prior, if she had only made a coherent plan instead of just relying on improvisation, luck, fate. In reality, she had crawled around, creeped through the back of the dancing crowd, thrown silent glances at him, never able to cross his path or approach him in any way. Seeing him with that other woman made her skin crawl inside out. Was it because of Deanna? Wasn’t she supposed to save him? Or was there more? She forbade herself from thinking about it. Yet her insides were a mess, her heart running like a wild horse.

And here he was now, staring at her. There had been no time to hide, just to step back into the plants, hoping that he would walk past again. But she must have been too obvious. She thought he had gone away, but Zaria left alone. And before she could wonder where he was, something tall and dark rhustled through the leaves, through the plants and onto her like a fury. 

There he was. His face was handsome, he had begun to wear his beard. It suited him very well. He was thin, tall, broadshouldered. She liked the strong contrast of his winter beauty, of his cool toned face, of the mauve, the ice blue, the raven black. And yet, he was also angry, to her surprise, heated cheeks and dark, unforgiving eyes. Of course he had recognized her. But why was he so angry? The leaves of the plants drew sharp lines of shade over his face resembling the lines of a zebra. No, a tiger, he looked like a tiger, aggressive, with his white teeth alarmingly exposed, a growl almost. She herself was the zebra, the prey, the weak one. Unconsciously, she ducked under him, her lips trembling, breathless with fear.

-What the hell are you doing, Janeway. - he snarled at her in a low, dangerous voice. 

She had to swallow. What could she say? Overwhelmed, she found no words to answer him. Blinking, she just stared, wordless.

-Are you following me? - he asked, coldly.

-No… I… - she answered too quickly. -I… wanted to see you, I guess…- she managed to get out. Mumble was what she was doing.

One of his eyebrows went up. -You don’t talk to me for two years, pretend you don’t know me, after everything that happened. And now you want to see me? Listen to yourself. - 

She should have done her research, apparently, should have looked at her diary or tried to remember. Goddammit, she had not considered that whatever they had done would have mattered at all to him. She had never thought about her younger self obviously rejecting him and how strange that might have seemed to him. But wasn’t he William Riker, the unattached man-whore? How utterly confusing. And yet the way he spoke, his voice dripping with bitterness, it was obvious there was something going on. A tiny second, she felt almost proud. Te blatantness of his open disdain for her brought her back to reality.

-Look. - he said then. -That you pretended not to know me, that you can’t remember a single thing, I can swallow. With the manner in which I date and go my ways, I probably had it coming. But I can’t deal with the looks you’ve given me the past two years, like from above, so stuck-up. And I goddamn can’t handle you sneaking around spying after me and pretending to be interested again. So excuse me, but I have someone else waiting. - Hate, boredom, hurt, disgust. His voice was telling her so much more than his words were.

-Will, wait!- 

Both looked in surprise down at her hand, grabbing his sleeve, holding him back, pulling at him. He had almost stood up and turned away, but now he was frozen there, staring at their joint arms. She felt her heart race and her mind in a whirl, fumbling with the right words.

-But I do remember. - she said weakly.

He laughed. A dry, snickering laughter that died quickly in his throat. 

-This is exactly what I mean, Janeway. Let me go. - 

-No, but I remember. - she said with slight desperation. -How we walked through San Francisco. It was the end of summer, that warm Saturday. We went to Ten Forward and it was so packed, we couldn’t find a table, so we went to that bar, my favourite, the…-

-...Red Dog. - he whispered. -I thought I had imagined it. - 

-No, you didn’t. They were playing Misbehave, I remember I thought it fitted us well in that moment. It was the band of the bartender’s friends. We danced and had some real Whiskey. And later we sat on the couch and…- she broke off, swallowing hard.

He was looking away, his jaw tightening. She had let his arm free, but he did not move, he stayed here with her, under the plants, crouched, his knees sticking out, his head hanging lower, his shoulders like mountainhills behind him. She had leaned her shoulders against the wall and put her hands on her knees, tightly tucked together. It was a quiet, dark and private corner, away from the loud party. A thousand legs, feet and shoes had walked by and playful shadows danced over the pale wall next to them. William's face was dark, in a shadow. For a few seconds, no one said a word.

-Why now, Kate. - he said quietly, bitterly. His black hair, that nose, the relentless brows. His stark and strong hands. The way his suit made him sharp and handsome, she was dizzy.

Without thinking about it twice, she opened up to him.

-I can’t explain it to you. But I am the person you went out with that night. I could recite to you our conversations that we had, you can ask me anything. I can’t explain why I behaved the way I did with you for these past two years. But it is me, both of me were me, in one way or another. It’s very complicated.- 

He was looking at her with a distorted grimace resembling the one people make when they are about to get a strong headache. She almost had to laugh, but there was still so much cold anger within him for her to relax.

-Don’t fuck with me, Kate. - he warned her.

Kate, she noticed, he kept calling her that, instead of that dismissive “Janeway”. She took it as a good sign. Still trembling, she got slightly closer, leaning forward over her legs.

-I am not. I apologize. But I do, I do remember everything. Even what we did after we transported back, what we did in your room… Oh, and against that tree on the Central Campus Park. -

He looked up quickly, staring at her now, drawing in air through his nose.

-You slapped me for bringing that up, in the middle of class. - 

-Oh god, did I. - she chuckled. 

He tilted his head, suddenly curious. 

-You don’t remember that? - 

She opened her mouth, trying to find the memory in the back of her head. Her Academy Years had been decades ago. Who knew when that had happened, if it had happened at all in her timeline. Sometimes, new events or small alterations to a timeline caused by irresponsible time travel took a while to move into the memory of affected individuals. She must have either forgotten or altered the timeline significantly; there was no memory of that in her mind as of now.

-You don't remember how I searched for you for days after and only found you again when we got back to class, so I confronted you about it and you rejected me right there, telling me you had no idea what had gotten into me saying that you, Kathryn Janeway, had really slept with someone like me? Way to humiliate someone, and you don’t even remember?-

She had no idea if she should laugh or cry or condemn herself for not considering these obvious scenarios. Even at 20, she had been quite outspoken, clear, able to defend herself. Witty, sharp, almost hurtful. That poor man, he must have been radically confused. And how the hell would she explain any of this without exposing herself fully?

-Are you even Kathryn Janeway? - he continued, getting closer to look at her with great interest. -You resemble her in every aspect. I've observed you a thousand times by now, and you look exactly like her. -

-Oh! - she laughed. -It is definitely me, C... Kathryn Janeway. Ask me something specific, if you want to know. - 

His face was only a few inches away from hers and she considered touching him, but no part of her moved, still shy.

-We had a class together about mechanics. Tell me about that.- He probed at her with seriousness, his eyes still exploring her face. 

-That was with Dr. Maverick, a Bolian. He was a very rough man, or that is what people said about him, at least. I found him very odd, but passionate. He was thorough, which a lot of students hated. He liked coffee and so we sometimes met when he would get it at the Campus Café at late hours. He had this strange habit of pulling up his shoulders when he solved a problem. - 

Riker was still staring at her with curiosity, a half-smile trapped in the corner of his mouth. -What was the last question in his exam that everybody got wrong except…-

-...me.  I got it right. It was about warp capacity, something… Oh, god that was so many years ago… - she smiled, looking up, trying to remember.

He frowned in confusion, his head pulling back a few inches. -It was last week!- 

Gasping, she blushed hotly. She had given away a major detail by accident. Dr. Maverick, of course, advanced Mechanics. The entry level class had been by another Bolian with a similar name, one she had forgotten. Stuttering, she tried to say something.

-You know what I think. - he said then, interrupting her. -You are Kathryn Janeway, but older, somehow. I noticed it already the last time we went out together. You speak so differently than people your age would, than you would, you move slowly and less nervous, the way older and confident women do. You have to recheck the date or year all the time and can’t remember the simplest things that happened recently. I have no idea how you do it. But it would explain why your younger, normal version wouldn’t remember our date. Maybe you have an illness or some form of brain wave singularity or…- he blinked, lost in thought.

Jesus Christ. This man was much smarter than most people she had met in her life. She had to stop him before he figured it all out by himself. But could he? She wasn’t sure. In a way, she was curious to see him try; his intelligence was rather turning her on insanely. At the same time, it frightened her to consider that he might actually do so. Her entire mission could be compromised. Not only that, her devices and their entire timeline; the entire universe at that.

-William. - she said harshly, rougher than she intended to. -Your theory is true, partially, but I have to forbid you from thinking about the cause. Promise me. It is me, and yes, I am actually much older than my body tells you I am. But you can’t know how it happens. You just can’t. - 

He swallowed and then nodded silently. She had grabbed him again, this time with both hands by his upper arms, holding him tightly, with a harsh seriousness. She could feel his muscles, his strong arms and she almost regretted it, because her insides were melting away slowly, warming up. There was a sweet, giddy feeling, cramping down on her, wanting to get out and overwhelm her, fought-down and denied.

-Then there is only one thing I need to know. No, I’m lying, I have so many questions. Do you really remember everything about that night? What came after the red dog? When we… - he broke off. His hands were on the floor, his weight resting on his fingertips. She could not let go of him, for some reason. Slowly, she felt him lean into her.

-Oh yes.- she said hoarsely. -How could I forget. Oh, the way you had me against that tree less than ten minutes after getting back. And, well, I… - she was panting now, sweating, her heart about to explode out of her chest. 

He appeared to be in a similar state, breathless and shaky, wound up, a mess. Sighing. -I waited for two years for you to say anything like that. - he admitted.

She grinned shyly, more to herself. For the past two weeks, nothing else had been on her own mind as well. She had hoped, a little bit, while being ashamed about it. But he was William Riker, she had told herself. And it would have been two years at this point. To see him like this, breathing quickly, staring at her again, it had left a mark on him. She had left a mark on him. He pushed his jaw forward, apparently still torn, deciding if he could believe her. But his eyes sparkled with fascination. He looked well, she noticed again. Young, strong, smart. Sharp. A man of his middle twenties, boasting with life and virality. And yet, shaky because he was so close to her.

-Goddammit, Kate. - he groaned. - I swore to myself to never… And you are wearing that fucking dress too... - 

She had to giggle, tension leaving her stiff shoulders. Something else arising within her.

He smiled. -How long will you stay? - 

-Only a few hours. - She told him truthfully. 

-Then let's make them count. - he whispered.

She barely had formulated an answer before he had already pinned her against the wall, his mouth on hers, hot and wet. She could only chuckle in surprise and then he made her moan so deeply it turned into a sigh, close her eyes and take a deep breath. She had to smile while he held her tight, covering her neck with sweet, welcoming kisses.

-----------------------

He didn’t even bother to go outside and talk to Zaria. He would see her again on the ship and they could do whatever she wanted there. But here, right now, there was no time to be wasted. If this was actually her, he wanted to spend every waking second with that damn woman he had met by chance two years ago. After he had peeled himself off of her (an act that had taken all of his strength to even attempt to do) and gotten them both over to the dancing floor; over the next hour he asked her more questions, carefully, testing her, to confirm it. She knew everything about her life, even secrets and little details he was sure that a double or an impostor would find hard to emulate. She laughed like herself and again, spoke with that older, slower cadence, her voice a bit more hoarsely, her mannerisms comfortable and confident. Hell, she even kissed like herself, as far as he could remember. Was she from the future? He had no idea. He avoided questions about the cause of her being here, because each time he neared the topic, she became cold, closed-off, almost aggressive, defensive. For a second somewhere, he wondered if she had come just for him. It made his head dizzy, so he told himself that he was imagining things. 

And more than anything, he just enjoyed her company. For two years, he had observed her from a distance, bitter and angry, with that unfulfilled longing in his chest. She, the grand Admiral’s daughter and top-of-her-class-student had been unaware, not even glancing at him once, almost like the years before their first encounter. Somehow he managed to graduate electing different classes than her, mostly because he just couldn’t bear to be in her presence and then not touch her. Once, they had been assigned a group project, for just one afternoon. He had to bite himself to concentrate because of the overwhelming lust that had him in a chokehold each time she leaned over the table or talked to him. Those blue eyes. Pure insanity. After that, never again.

Blue eyes. Grayish. Stormy. There she was, looking at him again now, but she was smiling, really seeing him, not cold, dismissive or uninterested like had gotten used to her behaving with him. Seeing him, really, like the first time, like that night at the Red Dog, where she had listened to him like no one else before, shared his thoughts, made him feel understood. She had seen him for the person he really was and he didn’t even need to pretend or try hard, not even Riker-charm her. Here, in his arms, spinning her around, the world could have collapsed outside and he would have remained on the dance floor with her. They harmonized so well, again, it blew him away how easily he could be with her.

Finding her behind those plants had made him angrier than he thought he could be, it had taken him over like an animal. He had considered screaming at her, leaving her there and to avoid all contact like he had sworn himself he would. But then she had grabbed his arm and that damn last tiny speck of hope had sparked into full fire again. He was so helpless to her, she could have him if she wanted to, he could live for her. The intensity of his own feelings astonished him. For two years she had been a constant shadow in the back of his mind, making him insane, making his unsatisfied, painful lust turn into open and disdainful hate. And now she had her hips close to his, her neck exposed, her hands on his shoulders. If he wanted, he could have her. She had kissed him and tasted exactly like she did in his memories. Of black coffee, white wine, florals, of burnt wood and a hint of adventure. He could just lower his head and bite her. Hit her. Unleash his anger for hurting him. But it wasn’t her who hurt him. It was… 

Maybe she was from the future. In some of her questions, she answered strangely, not remembering something that had happened previously in his timeline. In others, she knew too much; she had mentioned a technology that had not been implemented or invented. She named the wrong maximum warp speed that was possible in his time and she mentioned something about the Delta and Gamma Quadrant, places that were not discovered. He tried not to react with surprise, as to get more information out of her, but she noticed herself and shut up, blushing, each time. He was damn curious about it all.

As they danced, a thought occurred to him. Maybe after tonight, he could make the younger Janeway fall for him. Maybe he had just approached the problem from the wrong angle. If the older Janeway was his exact match, the woman that could keep him on the verge of madness for years, maybe the younger one would turn into her, into the woman he would later want… later for her would mean now for him… oh god, what a headache. Or she already was, he had just been blind to it. In a way, he was angry at himself for wasting his Academy Years hating her from a distance. Tomorrow they would all depart and who knew where her first posting would be. But he hadn’t known, he thought she had been playing with him, naturally. Now, there was no guarantee they would see each other again for a very long time. This was the last night he could be with her. If he wanted to woo her any more, he needed to take advantage of this last night, older or younger Janeway.

The last night. Panic arose within him. It was almost midnight. Hours had passed. Who knew when she would come back after she disappeared again, if ever. He had so many questions to ask her, so much to talk about, so much to share. And it was so hard to concentrate, now that he didn’t need to restrain himself; he could feel his desire well up strongly, more intense with every passing minute. He was hot and shaky and not just from the dancing. The kiss kept resurfacing like an echo, clouding his mind, edging him terribly, making him lick his lips in anticipation. He needed more, to rip that blue dress off, to see her. He had to laugh to himself over how much of a mess he was. She was here, back with him, but he was still on the verge of insanity. More so than ever, even. He was thirsty for her. And with that, he pulled her with him towards the exit.