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Chapter Text

August 2003

Hermione made her way through the stacks from the back of the ministry archives, brushing dust from her hands onto her pants legs. She pulled open the door into the main library area coming up behind the desk to find Cho frozen in place, a hand covering her mouth, and holding an interdepartmental memo. 

“Cho, what’s wrong?” Hermione asked.

“Headmistress McGonagall.” She said, tears gathering in her eyes. She thrust the parchment at Hermione with shaking hands. Hermione rolled her eyes. Cho was prone to crying at everything. 

Hermione took the memo. It was from Kingsley, informing them that the Headmistress had passed. Hermione had known she was sick but didn’t quite realize the extent of her illness. “Oh dear.” She whispered under her breath. 

Cho’s tears suddenly became wails of sorrow. Hermione was in shock as she clutched the paper. She was supposed to have had a meeting with her next week. The door of the library burst open and Harry came in looking a bit flustered. “Hermione did you–”

When she saw the concerned look on his face as he saw the parchment in her hand Hermione started to cry. Minerva had always been there and now she was gone. Harry made his way behind the desk, his auror robes swishing around him as he walked quickly. “I guess you did hear then.” He said quietly, pulling her into his chest. He glanced down nervously at Cho. With a sigh he held his arm out to her as well and she moved in. Harry awkwardly patted them both on the back, sniffing a little himself. 

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They all sat around the table at the Leaky that evening in a solemn mood. “It’s just so hard to believe.” Ginny said. 

“I know, she wasn’t even very old at all.” Neville commented. 

“I wonder who they are going to get to replace her.” Ron mused. “I can’t imagine anyone who would do a better job.”

Harry snorted a laugh. “They will ask Hermione of course.” 

Everyone looked at him, flummoxed. Then the information seemed to settle in. Then they all hummed their agreement. “Don’t be silly, Harry. I’m only twenty-three. Besides, I don’t know that I would want to do it.” She insisted.

“But you’d be so good at it.” Pansy said. “You’re bossy.”

Hermione glared at her friend. Harry removed his arm from around Pansy’s shoulder and scooted away very slowly. Hermione rolled her eyes. “Really, I like what I do. Being headmistress would be too much politics.” She insisted. “It’s just not for me.”

That evening in her room she thought about it. She didn’t think they would ask her. But if they did. She stared out the window onto the London street from her room at Grimmauld Place. There was one person she wanted to talk to about it. But he wasn’t there. In fact he was at Hogwarts. The irony. She’d talked to him about everything at one point in her life. She wondered how he was fairing with the news. He’d known Minerva much longer than she had.

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“Hermione, thank you so much for coming.” Kingsley said, motioning to the chair across from his desk. “I wanted to speak with you about Headmistress McGonagall's position. The Hogwarts board has put you forth as their first pick for her replacement. I very much agree with the decision. But I told them I would ask you myself. Are you interested?” He asked. 

She sighed, rubbing at her temples. “I don’t know Kingsley. Who would they choose after me?” 

“Their second choice is Fleur, who has been working as the librarian since Madame Pince’s retirement. Bill has been teaching Ancient Runes as I’m sure you are aware.” Kingsley supplied. 

“Can I think about it?” She asked. She tilted her head. “No, actually, I know I don’t want to do it.” She said confidently. 

“You’re absolutely sure?” Kingsley questioned. “I think you’d be brilliant at the job.”

“I know that. But I enjoy what I do. It’s quiet. I need a little of that.” She replied. 

“I quite understand.” Kingsley said, giving her a kind smile. “Should you change your mind, you have about a week.”

Hermione did not change her mind. They chose Fleur which Hermione felt was a good decision. A little unconventional, but good nonetheless. A few weeks later she received a letter from Fleur asking if she would come to lend her expertise. She was going through the files and things left from McGonagall and Dumbledore before her. 

Hermione had agreed and was frankly ecstatic in the truest sense of the word. She’d told Cho she would be gone for about a week and would likely be bringing back plenty for them to catalogue for the ministry archives. So she packed a bag and boarded the Hogwarts express. She was nervous the entire train ride. She picked at a loose string on her shirt. She thought he’d probably be there. Unless he was away for the summer. In a way she hoped he was away, she wasn’t ready to face it. Face him. She was afraid she might do something horribly embarrassing like cry and fling herself at him like a lunatic or Cho.

Bill met her at Hogsmeade station and they walked to the castle together. “I’m glad you’re here Hermione. You’re going to love it. There is an incredible amount of information stuffed in that office. You wouldn’t believe.” 

“I can’t wait. I can’t even imagine what must be in there. Are there things from before Dumbledore's tenure as headmaster?” Hermione asked. 

“If there are, we haven't found them yet. Fleur suspects there is more hiding in there that we can’t get to. Secret doors and things. I have been working on it for a few days.” He explained. Then sighed. “It’s sad to know that she’s gone. I’m glad though that it’s happened now in the summer so we have time for transition before the school year starts.” 

“That’ very true.” Hermione nodded. 

The door to the office was already open and Hermione saw Fleur behind the desk “‘Ermione! ‘Ow are you?” Fleur said sweetly, pulling Hermione in for a hug. Bill passed by them and went up the spiral staircase.

“Oh you know this is sad, but otherwise things are great. And you? Congratulations!” Hermione said brightly. 

“Thank you! I am very excited to begin. I ‘ope zat I will do her justice.” Fleur said reverently. “‘Ermione, I wonder eef I might ask you a question? I wanted to ask eef you would be interested een taking my place een ze library ‘ere.” 

Hermione was taken aback. “Oh, yes. That would be…I would love to.” She found herself answering without any consideration. It was perfect. She’d get to continue doing what she loved but at Hogwarts instead of the ministry. 

“Wonderful. Bill, she ‘az agreed!” She called up the spiral staircase in the office. 

Bill’s head appeared over the bannister. “Brilliant! We will be glad to have you.” Bill smiled warmly at her.

In the midst of Bill and Fleur’s excitement, she didn’t have time to consider what that would mean. She’d see him. Often. Everyday in fact. They would have to talk for her own piece of mind. She was going to yell first though. 

That evening once Hermione was settling in she sat down to write to Kingsley. All of the professors and faculty of Hogwarts who chose to live in the castle had their own wing. A common area much like each of the students' houses had. She had never given much thought to it before. But she explored the largely empty common room. Most of the teachers were gone for the summer. Each door was labeled and she walked down the hall. Malfoy. Abbott. Finch-Fletchley. Pomfrey. Two left empty that would belong to Bill and Fleur but they lived in the village. Weasley(Charlie), Lupin, Trelawney, Thomas, Bones, a few more empty doors, then at the very end her name had already appeared.

“Hello, Granger.” One of the doors she passed opened and she turned to see Malfoy standing in the doorway.

“Hi, Malfoy. How are you? I’m surprised to see you here.” She greeted him. Over the five years since the war their friend groups had merged. Harry and Pansy were dating. As were Ginny and Theo. They didn’t see Malfoy as often since he lived at the castle, teaching potions but he was around enough that she’d consider him a friend. 

“I’ve only just returned. I understand you’ll be taking over Fleur's position.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

She hummed. “Yes, I will. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Well welcome. Everyone else is gone.” He motioned down the hall. “I’m surprised they didn’t offer you the headmistress position.”

“They did. But I didn’t want it.” She explained. “I don’t want to be in charge of anything except some books.” She laughed.

“I can’t say I blame you.” He nodded. 

He left after to go to his classroom and she wandered to Fleur’s office. She was gone for the day so Hermione and Bill were working alone. Bill was working tirelessly to open the magically sealed doors and compartments in the office without very much luck. Dumbledore had been quite tricky with it. 

Hermione sat surrounded by a pile of boxes and files, doing her best to sift through and organize it all to be transported to the ministry. Or what wouldn’t be staying in the Hogwarts library anyway. 

She was buried in a letter from a former professor to Dumbledore when Bill gave a yell of triumph. “Aha!” He shouted. 

She jumped up from the floor and bounded up the stairs. “Did you open one?” She asked as she reached the top step. A small section of the wall was swung open on hinges to reveal a compartment of boxes with years on them. Bill lifted them out to hand to her and they carried them down the stairs to add to the piles. 

“These are all fairly recent.” He said, glancing at the labels.

She lifted the lid of one of the boxes. Inside were stacks of letters neatly refolded and in their envelopes. She pulled one out. She slid the letter out of the envelope. The neat script looked vaguely familiar.

December 12th, 1981

Fawkes,

I’ve arrived. Will send word when I know more. 

Moony. 

“Bill. Look at this.” She said, staring at the short letter. 

He came to stand behind her and looked over her shoulder. “That’s a bit cryptic.” He said. 

“I think I know who this is…” She said quietly, her fingers tracing over the letters. “Moony. It’s Professor Lupin.” She dropped the letter and reached in for another. 

March 7th, 1982

Fawkes, 

Watching. No appearances as of yet. Word of Strange happenings in the area. 

Moony

Another letter with a return to sender stamp.

April 15th, 1982

Moony, 

Mole confirmed dead. Evidence unclear. Remain hidden. You could be next.

Fawkes

“Bill these have to be letters between Professor Lupin and Dumbledore. Fawkes? That was the name of Dumbledore’s phoenix.” She said urgently. 

“Lets not jump to any conclusions. We can wait until Remus gets back and ask him.” Bill suggested. 

“When will he be back?” She asked. 

“I don’t know. Before the start of term obviously. But as far as a specific date I don’t know.” Bill said. “Come on. We can come back to it later.” 

They went on digging through piles. They spent hours more working until well after dinner. With the students gone no dinner was served in the great hall but a smaller one in the kitchens for faculty and staff. Hermione and Bill made their way down to the kitchen to find Malfoy already eating and chatting with Professor Binns.

“Good evening!” Professor Binns said jovially. He floated across the table from Malfoy, a plate in front of him. 

“Binns. How are you this evening?” Bill asked as he went to make his own plate from the food laid out along the long table. 

“I say well. Have you been able to crack old Dumbledore’s codes then? Ms. Delacour already asked me, I’m afraid I wasn’t able to help there.” Binns said sadly. 

“What about asking his portrait?” Malfoy asked around a bite of his sandwich.

“He hasn’t been around. I’m not sure where he is.” Bill said as he sat down. “Fleur asked Minerva’s on the first day but she hadn’t any clue about some of those hiding places. Neither did Snape.”

“I wonder where he is? Would he have to remain in the castle portraits?” Hermione asked. 

“I hadn’t thought so, but none of them know where he is.” Bill said. “Wouldn’t be surprised if he found a way around it.” 

After dinner Bill left the castle and Malfoy began walking with her. “I’m just going to stop in the office and grab a box to take to my room and go through.” She said as they turned onto the hallway with the headmaster’s office.

“Granger, there’s no rush. You don’t have to work over time.” He said with a raised brow. 

“I know,” she shrugged. “But I don’t have anything better to do and they are actually kind of interesting.” He waited for her as she moved around the piles. “Make yourself useful.” she said, depositing a box in his hands. 

They walked back to the faculty quarters and he placed the box on her desk before taking his leave of her rooms. She showered and put on her pajamas, going out into the common area to make tea. She took it back to her room with her. She put the tea on the small table next to her couch. She put the box beside her and tucked in, pulling out the next letter.

Professor Lupin's neat script covered the page. As she read she didn’t really understand most of what they were talking about. For one thing she was sure they were speaking in some sort of code. For another, half of it was in what she thought was probably Welsh. She couldn’t wait for him to get back so she could ask him about it. 

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July, 1982

Remus groaned as his eyes fluttered open. He could smell damp leaves and dirt. He sat up, moaning in pain as he did so. His muscles and joints protested the movement. He hadn’t made it back to his rooms in time to lock himself in. He glanced around in the forest having no idea where he was. He hated it when that happened. He sighed, getting to his feet and doing his best to tuck his ripped clothes back around him. He was still able to follow his smell enough out of the forest and to a dirt road. He could see the small town not far away. He’d been so close. 

He walked down the dirt road passing a few homes on the way. He stumbled up to the door of the small inn he’d been staying in for the last week. He opened the door and the woman behind the counter eyed him warily. He went up the stairs and to his room. Running a bath as hot as he could get it in the adjoining loo. He looked out the window over the German countryside as he waited for the water to fill the tub. 

Once it was filled he climbed in. Letting the hot water soak into his muscles. He heard a tapping on the window and opened one eye to see an owl. He waved his hand, opening the window wandlessly and the owl flew in, dropping the letter in his hand before flying back out. 

He ripped it open. His eyes quickly scanned the page. There were but a few words. A simple confirmation that Albus had received his last report. He let the letter drop to the floor over the side of the tub and sunk down under the water. He stayed there until the water went cold. He ate an apple and then went to sleep.

When he woke he was still filled with the ache in his heart. It had been six months. Six months since he lost the four people he cared about most in the world. It wasn’t any easier. He almost welcomed the wolf now. The wolf didn’t think. The wolf didn’t care. Not about that. What a sad state he was in to welcome the bane of his existence. That which had ruined his life. Now he knew there was something worse. 

It was early evening, not yet dark out. He got up and got dressed, taking his potion. He’d need to find more. Or a way to brew some. It nearly wasn’t worth the trouble though. He crept down the stairs of the inn and slipped out the door. He pulled out his wand to disillusion himself. 

He walked down the street of the small wizarding village and slipped into the small pub behind someone who opened the door. He found a small section of wall to hold up and waited. About ten minutes later he watched as the door opened and the man he was looking for walked in. Plain as day and sat down, ordering a drink. He watched and waited. No one else showed up. 

When he was done, Remus followed him out, walking down the street behind him until he stepped behind a building. Remus stood in the doorway of the building opposite, watching the man pace back and forth until a cloaked figure appeared from the other direction. They had a whispered conversation. And the man departed. His comrade walked out of the alley right past where Remus stood disillusioned. 

“Barty.” He said simply. 

Barty Crouch junior whipped around to look at what he thought was an empty doorway. Remus reached out and grabbed his shirt front, jerking him in close and apparated. His feet hit the ground in the middle of a field and he shoved Crouch to the ground. “How?” He growled. The moonlight reflected off the man’s pale features as the hood of his cloaked slipped away.

Barty looked around wildly, hearing nothing but a disembodied voice. He reached for his wand on the ground, but Remus summoned it, snapping it in half. Remus removed the disillusionment. “Re-Remus?” Barty looked up at him in horror. 

“I asked you a question, Crouch!” Remus shouted. “How did you get out?”

Barty crawled to his feet, backing away. Remus moved towards him. “Terribly sorry, Remus old friend. I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.” He said with a sly grin. 

He turned and broke into a run. Remus pulled out his wand, waving it and Crouch locked up, falling straight over in the grass. Remus strolled to him, using his foot to turn him over. He knelt down. “Do you know what tonight is, Barty?” Crouch’s eyes flashed wildly around. “Full moon.” He grinned maliciously and grabbed him by the shirt, standing up and lifting him in the air. 

There was a smile in his eyes that unsettled Remus. He slammed him on the ground. When he reached down for him again he disappeared right out from under him. “Fuck!” He yelled into the void and apparated away, taking Barty’s broken wand with him. 

It was fully dark and Remus made his way back to his rooms. He sat down at the small desk to quickly write a letter to Albus;

Fawkes,

Found. Can confirm escape. Disappeared via portkey before he could answer my questions. What next?

Moony

Chapter Text

Hermione woke in the middle of the night draped over the arm of the couch. She’d kicked the box of letters in the middle of the night and they had spilled onto the floor. She sat up. Her face tingled where it was pressed into the arm of the couch. She rubbed a bit of feeling back into it and stretched her legs out. She looked at her watch to see it was past midnight. She glanced over the last letter in her hand. It was a short one. Something about confirming an escape. 

She shook her head. She wasn’t going to figure it out that night. She couldn’t stop herself from reading even though half of the letters made no sense to her. She crawled into bed to stare at her ceiling. She hadn’t seen Professor Lupin since about a year after the battle. She knew that he was back to teaching Defense at McGonagall’s request but had heard nothing else about him. She felt somewhat guilty for not reaching out. They all kept in touch for the first year. But it had fallen away over time. 

He’d been in a dark place after having lost Tonks. He had stayed at Grimmauld Place with herself, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and George. Others came and went. It seemed that everyone hadn’t been willing to let go. The last Order safehouse. Harry had been more than happy to welcome anyone who wanted to be there. He hadn’t wanted to be alone either. Over time though most people had stopped showing up. Finally Ginny had moved out. Leaving Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Remus. They’d all shut down a bit. On the one year anniversary Remus had left without a word and they hadn’t seen him since. Minerva was the one who’d told them he was there. 

She personally couldn’t have imagined walking through the halls everyday thinking of all they’d lost. Especially for him to wake up everyday in the place his wife had died. He had always been one to punish himself though. He was an adult. He could do what he wanted. They all coped how they could. 

Sleep finally took over her body and she slept fitfully for her first night back in the castle since. 

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At the end of the week she made arrangements to go back to London to pack her things at Grimmauld Place. Draco and Bill offered to help her as did Harry and Ron. She took the floo ahead of them to pack. Ginny sat on Hermione’s bed while she folded clothes and shrunk them to put in her suitcase. 

“I can’t believe you’re leaving. I’m going to miss you so much.” Ginny whined. 

“I know, I’m going to miss you so much Gin. But really I can’t imagine a more perfect job for myself. I liked the idea of being back at Hogwarts but I didn’t want to be headmistress. This is perfect.” Hermione said wistfully.

“And him? He isn’t back yet?” Ginny asked tentatively. 

“No, I'm not sure what I’m going to say either.” Hermione said. 

“Hmm.” Ginny said in agreement. 

After she’d packed all of her things Bill and Draco showed up the next morning. They all hung out for a while and had lunch with everyone so she could say goodbye. 

“I can’t believe you’re going.” Theo whined, “I’m going to miss you 

“Theo, she’s not dying. You didn’t cry this much when Draco left.” Neville snorted with laughter. “But he’s right we will miss you.”

“Et tu, Theo.” Draco scowled. 

“Well Mione do you need help? I know you’re taking half the books in Grimmauld Place even though there’s an entire library at Hogwarts.” Harry grinned at her. 

She looked at Bill and Draco. “No, I think we can get it. If we shrink things.” Bill waved a hand.

“Thanks, you two.” Hermione nudged Bill’s shoulder. 

“Mione, have you seen Remus yet?” Ron asked suddenly. 

Hermione stiffened slightly. Draco sat beside her and noticed. “He’s still gone for the summer. He doesn’t usually come back until a day or two before the term starts.” He explained.

“Shame, I’d like to see him. We’ve hardly heard from him since he left.” Ron said absently. 

Ginny glanced at Hermione, asking if she was okay with her eyes. Hermione nodded imperceptibly.

Following their lunch they all went back to Grimmauld Place and Hermione, Bill, and Draco shrunk her things into three trunks to take back to the castle. Theo fake cried and Ginny smacked him. Harry and Ron gave her the usual type of hug. 

When they arrived back at the castle via floo Bill and Draco helped her carry her things to her rooms. They put the trunks down and restored them to their original sizes. She opened them and began unpacking. Putting away her clothes, extending the bookshelves in the room to accommodate them. 

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For the next couple of weeks Hermione obsessively read the letters in her free time. She was beginning to gather that Dumbledore had, over the course of the twelve years between Harry’s parents death and Remus coming to teach at Hogwarts, asked him to do things. What those things were she couldn’t discern. She had taken to pinning the letters up on a cork board in her room and highlighting and underlining things that recurred. Words that were capitalized that shouldn’t have been capitalized. One Saturday she stood in front of it, studying when there was a knock on her door. “Come in!” She called. 

The door swung open to reveal Draco and Justin in her doorway. “Granger, this is getting out of hand.” Draco said, strolling into the room and pulling her away. 

“Come on Hermione. Come out with us. Hannah and Susan are back! We are going to the pub.” Justin insisted. 

“But…” Hermione looked longingly at the board. 

“But nothing. I will stun you and throw you over my shoulder.” Draco said. 

She rolled her eyes and followed them. The two men talked and she walked along behind them still pondering. “Stop thinking so loud Granger!” Malfoy called over his shoulder. 

She jogged to catch up. They were talking about Hannah and Susan. She hadn’t known either girl very well in school. She liked them well enough. If she was going to have any female friends she’d have to get to know Susan and Hannah. The men talked over her head where she walked between them, but she was content to let the chatter wash over her. 

They arrived at the pub to find Charlie and Susan talking already. Though Charlie taught Care of Magical Creatures he still spent most of his summers in Romania on the dragon reserve. They sat down at the table and Malfoy waved over Madame Rosmerta. 

“So a lot of staff turnover then in recent years?” Hermione asked after a while. 

Charlie nodded and looked at Malfoy who tipped his head back. “Lets see, we’ve got Bill on Ancient Runes, Susan on Charms,” he pointed at Susan, then at Justin “Justin on Muggle Studies, Charlie on Creatures, Lupin on DADA, me for potions, Hannah for Herbology, Trelawney still though I suspect she will retire after this year, Dean on Arithmancy, am I missing any?” He looked around the table. “Oh Wood on Quidditch, Penelope on Transfiguration, and Binns of course.” Draco chuckled. 

“And everyone else but you all is still gone for the summer?” She asked. 

“Oh yes, most of us prefer to stay away. I go to Romania. Draco here goes to France. No idea where Lupin goes but he won’t be back until the day before the start of term.” Charlie prattled on. 

Draco was glaring at him. 

“The start of term!” She said in exasperation. “But that’s nearly a month away!” She heard the screeching in her voice and grimaced. 

Charlie looked at Draco in confusion. “In the searching of dear old Dumbledore’s office they have discovered a box of correspondence between Remus and Albus presumably from the time at which the Boy Wonder defeated the Dark Lord as a mere babe to the time that Lupin began teaching at Hogwarts.” Draco explained. 

“Oh.” Charlie’s eyes widened. “Oh!” He looked between Draco and Hermione.

“Yes, oh!” Hermione said in exasperation. 

“I don’t understand.” Susan said, Justin shook his head. 

“Well, most everyone from the original Order of the Phoenix died in the first wizarding war. Aside from Dumbledore, McGonagall, Moody, and Remus. Well Sirius but he was in prison, and Neville’s parents…anyway. We’ve no idea what Remus was doing for all that time or where he was. In fact, now he is the only surviving member of the original order.” Hermione explained. 

“Seems strange to think about. Lupin is so…nice and quiet the thought of him on secret dangerous missions hunting down Death Eaters seems at odds with what I know of him. But on the other hand, he’s teaching DADA for a reason.” Draco mused.

“So you think he was on some grand mission for Dumbledore in those twelve years?” Justin asked. 

“I don’t know! That’s the point I want to ask him. But he isn’t here. More to the point is why didn’t anyone know that?” She said significantly. 

“Guess you’ll just have to ask.” Susan shrugged. 

“At the start of term.” Hermione grumbled, crossing her arms and sitting back in her chair. 

“Cheer up Mione, you’ve got a lot to occupy you in the meantime.” Charlie said jovially. He patted her knee in a somewhat patronizing manner that made her scowl before throwing an arm around the back of Draco’s chair. 

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Fleur had returned several days later and they were working in the office. “I think we can start taking a lot of this down to the library.” Hermione suggested. “It might be easier for me to get started sorting while I’m down there. Then all of this will be out of your way.” She gestured around to the stacks and piles of papers and boxes.

They began to move all of the boxes of files. Hermione set up in the library, designating different tables for different subjects so she could begin processing everything. After that she mostly stayed in the library while Bill and Fleur went through the office looking for the rest. It was going to be a large job and she wondered why it hadn’t been done before. 

Cho even came for a week to help her. There were financial records from the school. Staffing records all the way back to the 1850’s. She had to stop and review some files on Professor Binns, he’d been a ghost even then. She got really wrapped up in reading about Dinah Hecat who taught DADA in the 1890s. There were records of all improvements made to the school including when the plumbing was added in the eighteenth century. She would be revisiting that as she’d learned that was when the Chamber of Secrets was concealed by Corvinus Gaunt. 

“Hermione, I think a lot of this should go to the ministry archives.” Cho commented as they were sifting through various stacks.

“I think you’re right. Once we get it all sorted I think I can make a bit of a schedule for how long we will keep things here before transferring them. There isn’t really a system set up for that. In fact there is probably already a lot in here that should be transferred. I don’t even want to think about what is in the Room of Requirement that might need to be moved.” Hermione sighed. 

“Oh dear.” Cho said, “I hadn’t even thought of that. I wish I could stay and help more. I wonder if Fleur would be able to hire a second person to help you? And maybe stay permanently.” She suggested.

“That’s a good idea. I’ll ask her tomorrow.”

Hermione took the long walk from the library to the faculty quarters. The entrance was entirely hidden from students with the entrance just off the courtyard in the middle of the castle. She wondered briefly if it had always been like that. The floo in the common area was connected to each office classroom floo as well, including the one in the library. She walked through the common area. Charlie and Draco sat at a table playing chess and Hannah was curled up with a book. It felt a bit strange. Like being a student but not, sharing quarters with her peers. 

Once in her rooms she drew a bath and waited for the water to heat. She added bubbles and bath salts. She slipped out of her clothes and was about to get in when she decided. She hovered a small stack of the letters into the loo to rest on the counter and she climbed in, sinking into the blissfully hot water and then used her wand to hover the first letter over and float in the air above her so she could read. 

Eventually she stopped reading and let the hot water relax her mind. She closed her eyes and hummed softly. Even though it was summer, the castle had a permanent chill that emanated from the stones themselves. She dipped her head under the water before coming back up. She let her arms drop from the side of the tub and into the water. With her eyes closed she could pretend she was back at Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron just downstairs. She wasn’t scared per se. Not really. But being alone in the castle did tend to make her mind wander to unpleasant places. Dark places. So this obsessive research was a welcome distraction. And it was obsessive. She could admit that at least. 

Though she hadn’t gleaned much from them yet, she wondered. At the time of his writing the letters Remus had been just a year younger than she currently was. It was strange to think about. She had always wondered what his life had been like in that twelve year span. She was so close to finding out. She knew reading the letters was a poor substitute for hearing it directly from him. But it was a tiny window. However foggy. 

She considered him. He was thirty two when he’d begun teaching them. She’d always fancied him a bit. Most of the girls in their year and those above had in fact. He was kind. Softspoken and handsome. Unfailingly patient. And one of the bravest people she knew. She desperately wanted to know what his life had been like. He never talked about it. Of course he told them about the time he spent at Hogwarts as a student and the few years after. But never about the time after James and Lily Potter’s death. 

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August 1982

Remus was asleep. He had to be. There was no way this feeling was real. He wracked his brain trying to remember the previous night. He couldn’t quite see it. He couldn’t see where he was so he must be dreaming. No, his eyes were closed. He opened them to stare at the ceiling of the hotel room he was in. He spent as much time in the muggle world as he could; he preferred it that way. Never around the moon of course. The risk was too great. But the rest of the time.

Oh. Right. Back to the feeling. He was laying on top of the sheets and he slowly glanced down the length of his body to find a messy blonde head of hair belonging to a woman who currently had his cock in her mouth. She made eye contact with him and did her best to smile. 

Fuck. 

Shit.

Godsdamnit. What was her name?

He didn’t have much more time to consider it before he was coming down her throat. He let out a growl and she released him with a wet pop and started crawling up his body. Kissing his chest on the way up. “Good morning, John.” She said. 

He usually gave people his middle name in the muggle world. So there was one answer. “Good morning.” He said a bit groggily. 

She raised brow. “Patty.” She gave a small laugh. “It’s okay.”

Well he was a piece of shit. “Patty. Terribly sorry, but I don’t…”

“Remember?” She said teasingly. “No I shouldn’t think so. I had fun, that’s really all you need to know.” She shrugged.

As soon as the door clicked shut indicating her departure the night before came back to him. He was still tracking Crouch without much luck. Dumbledore hadn’t figured out yet how he’d escaped Azkaban. Remus sat up and looked around. He reached for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand. He lit one and rested against the headboard. It was a waste of time. Tracking Crouch. But, Dumbledore asked him to do it. He would take great pleasure in torturing the bastard for what he and Bellatrix had done to Frank, Alice and Marlene if he ever found him. Slippery bastard. Always had been.

He had three weeks until the next full moon so he thought he may as well make use of it. He put out the cigarette and got dressed. He went down and drank a very bad cup of coffee before stepping out onto the street in Manheim. He wasn’t entirely sure what had led Dumbledore to believe that Crouch was in Germany. He’d been right of course as he usually was. Whether he was still there remained to be seen. Remus slipped on his sunglasses and threw his duffle bag over his shoulder. He started walking towards the boundary of the wizarding part of the city. 

He crossed the boundary to find it very busy. He kept his head down as he walked. No one knew him here. Which he preferred but he couldn’t be too careful. He turned onto a street in a less than savory part of the city and slowed when he heard a pair speaking English. He walked past them. He sat down on a bench some distance down the street to listen. The werewolf hearing was convenient if nothing else. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it with his wand. He blew the smoke into the air. 

The pair were whispering. The dark haired man spoke in a low tone. “Rosier was there. They’re looking for Gregorovitch.”  

His blonde companion replied. “Why? He doesn’t have it. He’s useless. The old man must have it surely.” 

The dark haired man yanked the blonde man close by the front of his shirt. “Crouch told me he’d know how to find it. If we don’t have everything ready when the Dark Lord returns there will be hell to pay.” 

“As much as I appreciate your dedication to our lord, I hate to be the one to tell you that he won’t be back. It’s a free for all. Everyone is scattered. That coward Malfoy got off. Mrs. Lestrange is in Azkaban. There’s no point.” The blonde man scoffed at the end of his little speech. 

Remus saw the tiniest jet of green light and the blonde man folded to the ground. He looked away so the dark haired man wouldn’t realize that he’d seen what happened. He heard the man laugh derisively and walk away. Remus got up to follow him. He tracked him down the street and through a crowd of people until he went into a shop. 

He followed the man in. It was tiny but not very busy. Clearly a dealer of dark artifacts. The man stopped at the counter to speak to the proprietor. Remus busied himself with inspecting something on a shelf, once more listening to the conversation. 

“Come back tonight.” The proprietor said softly, also speaking English. 

Chapter Text

Weeks went by and Hermione spent most of her time in the library trying to get everything in an organized fashion and off the tables in the middle of the library before the students returned. Most of the other teachers had returned by then. She’d enjoyed catching up with them all. The only ones yet to return were Remus and Penelope. Penelope it turned out was visiting her sick grandmother and was staying as long as possible. There had been no word from Remus. Everyone assured her that he would be back. He always did this they said. 

The Wednesday before term started Harry, Ginny, and Ron came to visit her. “It feels so naughty to be in the faculty quarters.” Ginny said, wiggling her eyebrows. 

“I’m still not used to it.” Hermione said with a laugh. 

They sat in the faculty common area talking when Malfoy came in. “Boy Wonder, Weasley, Red.” He said. He sat down in an arm chair. “Red I do hope Theo is behaving.” Then he grinned. “Or misbehaving as the case may be.” He smirked at his own joke. “Potter, I see Pansy hasn’t yet murdered you. Congratulations.”

“It’s been a near thing.” Harry chuckled. 

Oliver walked in not long after and quickly commandeered Harry and Ginny to talk quidditch. “You don’t want in on that?” Hermione asked, raising a brow at Ron.

He shrugged. She went to sit on the couch with him and put her feet in his lap. “So how are you?” She asked. 

He rubbed the back of his neck, face reddening. “Well, I actually wondered if I might talk to you about something?” He turned around to see that Harry and Ginny were still talking to Oliver. 

She narrowed her eyes, looking at him a bit warily. “What?” She asked with suspicion. 

“I want you to tell me if I’m a nutter for something I’ve been considering.” He said. 

“You absolutely are, but do go on.” She made a ‘go ahead’ gesture with her hand and grinned. 

He rolled his eyes. “I’d like to preface this by saying that I have been considering this for a very long time. Over a year roughly.” He took a deep breath. “I’m thinking of quitting the DMLE.”

She was stunned. Completely flabbergasted. All Harry and Ron had talked about their last few years of school was being aurors. They had opted out of eighth year and gone straight into training. Had been doing it for the last four years. “Alright. Why?”

He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I hate it. It's exactly what I thought it would be. But I don’t enjoy it like I thought I would. I mean I love working with Harry and we do a lot of good. But I’m not happy at it.” 

“Do you have some idea of what you’d want to do otherwise?” She asked reasonably. 

He nodded. “I’ve talked with George about it. He wants to open a second location of Wheezes, in Hogsmeade. He asked if I’d be interested in running it. I know it sounds crazy Mione. I do. But…” 

“Ron, if you aren’t happy and you have another option there’s no need to keep being miserable. We spent too much of our lives doing everything for everyone else. You don’t have to keep doing it because Harry is doing it. He will understand.” She said.

His hands rested on her ankles. He gave her foot a reassuring squeeze. “Thanks Mione. I was worried you’d be mad.” 

“Of course not Ron. I’d be mad if you just up and quit with no thought or plan, but I want you to be happy.” She grinned. “Now, on a semi-related note about happiness. How’s Luna?” Ron and Luna had been dating for about six months. It had really surprised everyone but Hermione thought they were a good fit in an odd sort of way. Ron had always been a bit self-conscious, feeling as if he were in Harry’s shadow, always worrying about what people thought of him. Luna however couldn’t care less what people thought. She was unapologetically herself and Hermione thought that was the best thing for Ron. 

His face turned red again. “Brilliant. Hermione I…I think I love her. Like really love her.” 

Hermione was also glad that their short lived relationship had left them with a remaining solid foundation of friendship that was stronger than it had been before. She loved Ron. He and Harry were her best friends and she felt lucky to have them. So after a while it became less and less weird for them to talk about these sorts of things with each other. Harry preferred not to most of the time but she and Ron often told each other about their awful dates and romantic entanglements. He was always there for her when things inevitably went wrong. “I’m so glad Ron. Really, I’m happy for you. Do keep me updated. I know we won’t be seeing each other as much. Also….” She glanced around the common room and leaned in to whisper. “Have you talked to Charlie?” 

Ron shook his. “Not much, no. Why?” 

“I think he and Malfoy…” She raised a brow.

Ron gasped. “He wouldn’t.” 

She rolled her eyes. “I think he absolutely would and I can’t say I blame him. Malfoy is fit and he’s not such a prat anymore. Well…he is and probably always will be but he’s a nice prat. Our prat, if you will.” He hummed noncommittally. “On another note, there’s something I’d like to talk to you and Harry about if you have the time while you’re here. It’s to do with Remus.” 

Ron’s brows shot up. “Is everything alright?”

Sometime later the four of them sat in her rooms as Harry, Ron, and Ginny read through the letters. “Blimey.” Harry muttered. 

“I wonder why he never told us.” Ginny said. 

“I’m not entirely sure what it is he hasn’t told us.” Ron’s brows furrowed as he looked at the short letter. 

“I can’t figure it out either. I’ve been reading them nonstop. Obviously I’m going to ask him when he gets back, but you know as well as I do that man is locked up tighter than Gringotts.” She said.

Harry grinned. “Well, if I remember correctly, we successfully broke into Gringotts.”

Ron chuckled. “I’m not sure if successful is the right word for that mate.”

“We got what we wanted didn’t we?” Harry said. 

“Yeah, but we wreaked a lot of havoc on the way out.” Ron shrugged. “Don’t want to do that to Remus.” 

“My point exactly.” Hermione said. 

“Surely it shouldn’t matter so much now that the war is over. It isn’t like it’s some big secret that needs to be kept. Though I’m sure that was a painful time in his life. What with everything…” Ginny added. 

They all hummed in agreement as they stared blankly at the stack of letters. 

 Harry, Ron, and Ginny left late into the evening for their rooms in Hogsmeade promising to see her once more before they left. 

That weekend was their last bit of free time before term started and on Saturday afternoon Susan, Hannah, and Penelope asked Hermione if she wanted to go out. It was a tradition of theirs for the Saturday before term. “We usually go to Edinburgh. We can floo there.” Penelope said cheerfully. 

Hermione had agreed. She didn’t really want to but she thought it might be good for her to get to know them better. So after dinner on Saturday she went to her rooms to get dressed. As she was braiding her hair Susan came through her open door and perched on the edge of her bed. “Almost ready?” She chirped.

“Yes! Let me just…” She wrestled the end of her braid with a hair tie. 

Once dressed they walked to the Three Broomsticks where they flooed to a pub in wizarding Edinburgh. Penelope led them out the door and down the street. “This is our favorite place.” She said conspiratorially over her shoulder to Hermione. She stopped in the middle of the street to face a brick wall covered in vines. She waved her wand and the vines retreated up the wall. A massive wooden door appeared that was covered in intricate iron work. A sign on the door read “Toil and Trouble”. Hermione grinned as the door creaked open. 

The lighting was low and there was faint music playing. There was a bar to one side and a large stage but in the middle of the room was a giant bubbling cauldron with smoke spilling out and light emanating from it. Penelope led them each to the bar. Holding her hand up to get the bartenders attention. 

“Evening ladies.” He grinned, a Scottish brogue rumbling out of his chest. Susan and Hannah grinned at each other. 

“Four Lady Macbeth’s.” Penelope said with a definitive nod. 

Hermione looked at the other three women. Susan looped her arm in Hermione's. “Don’t worry, it’s delicious.”

Hermione tried to watch the bartender mixing the drinks but she couldn’t see. He turned around, hovering four drinks and setting them on the bar. The tumbler glasses were filled with a blood red liquid. “What’s done is done.” He said. “Cheers.” 

They each reached for a glass. Hermione picked hers up and took a long sip. A burst of cherry ran over her tongue. It was bright and tart, but sweetened, then warmed and smoothed out. Like a bite of cherry pie. 

They finished their drinks quickly and moved to the dance floor for a while. They moved past the giant cauldron. “Is that just for looks?” Hermione asked, pointing at it. Lights of various colors emanated from it and smoke spilled out and across the floor. 

“You’ll see.” Hannah said cheerily. 

They began dancing and after a while the disembodied music stopped and the lights went down. Everyone seemed to stop dancing and turned to the cauldron. The light emanating from it turned green like floo flame and everyone began to cheer, screaming and clapping. 

In a flash something shot out of the cauldron and into the air. Not something, but someone. Eight someones on brooms. They circled the room near the ceiling before landing on the stage and the room erupted. The Weird Sisters. 

“Godric! Are they here all the time?” Hermione shouted over the noise. 

“No!” Penelope cried. “Only once a month.”

The band began to play and the screaming finally died down. Everyone went back to dancing as did Hermione. They had a few more drinks and danced until the end of the set before collapsing at a table and ordering another round of drinks. 

“Thank you for inviting me!” Hermione shouted over the music. “I really needed it. I’ve been obsessing.” 

The other three looked at each other and giggled. “We know!” Susan said. 

“I can’t say I blame you!” Penelope cried. 

“Yes, we quite understand.” Hannah giggled knowingly.

Hermione blinked. “What do you mean?” 

The waitress arrived with a tray of shots and put it on the table. They each picked one up and tossed it back. 

“Well, you’re obsessing over Lupin right? That’s what Draco said.” Susan grinned. 

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that.” Hermione said defensively. 

“Hermione.” Hannah put a hand on her arm. “We understand.” She winked exaggeratedly. 

Penelope sighed dramatically. “Yes…unfortunately we are as bad as some of the students.” 

Hermione raised a brow. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“Of course you do. He’s fit. Oh and the…” Hannah began. 

“The brooding!” Susan supplied. “I don’t even care if he’s old enough…”

Penelope nodded excitedly. Hermione blinked. Interesting that they were fawning over Remus like that when there was also Draco, Charlie, Oliver, Bill, Dean, and Justin. All plenty fit. “Yes. I suppose so.” Hermione said absently. Of course she did understand. But for different and slightly deeper reasons. 

They all laughed at her but clearly sensed how uncomfortable with the conversation she was and moved on. They had a few more drinks and another dance. They left not long after and stepped into the cooling air outside to walk back to the pub with the floo. 

Hermione nearly lost the contents of her stomach when they went through. The walk back up to the castle felt longer than usual. But she was fairly sloshed. They arrived through the doors of the common room in a fit of giggles hanging on to each other for balance. Hermione had no idea what time it was. They made their way straight for their rooms. She stopped off in the small kitchen for a glass of water to find the man himself making tea. 

“Hello Hermione.” He said with a raised brow. “It’s been a while.”

“Remus.” She hiccuped. “Hi.” She covered her mouth. Then she swayed a little. He put his teacup down and stepped around the counter to take her elbow to steady her. 

“I see you’ve been out with Hannah, Susan, and Penelope then.” He chuckled. 

“I…” Hiccup. “Have.” 

He chuckled. “Might want this then.” He held his hand out and one of the cabinet doors opened. A vial of potion floated across the room into his outstretched hand and he handed it to her. She held it up to inspect it. Then with a shrug she pulled the cork out and drank it. 

“I have questions for you.” She said suddenly. Hiccup.

“So I’ve heard.” He said quietly, sliding his hands into his pockets. 

“Tomorrow.” She pointed at him in what she hoped was a menacing manner and then turned to leave the room, glass of water forgotten. 

“Hermione.” He called. She stopped in the doorway and turned around. “It’s lovely to see you again.”

“Ditto.” She pointed at him and blinked before stumbling out of the room. 

And as she walked back to her room she thought. No. Not ditto. She was mad at him. She wanted to yell. But she had just enough sense to wait.

↭

September 1982

Remus blinked against the smoke in the air. He groaned and looked down at the bloody gash across his chest. A flash of red light went over his head. He quickly regained his composure and reached for his wand. He rolled and a spell hit the grass where he’d lain. He popped up, throwing a jelly-leg jinx at the cloaked man who fell to his knees. Remus stumbled over and jerked him up by the front of his shirt. He held his hand out and summoned the bottle of veritasserum from the pocket of his discarded coat. He pulled the cork out with his teeth, prepared to force it down the man's throat. He shoved the bottle opening between his bloody lips and tipped it back. The man spluttered and choked a little before swallowing.

“Where is Barty Crouch Jr?” Remus growled. Or rather, Moony growled. 

The man grinned wickedly and began foaming at the mouth before going limp. 

“Fuck!” He yelled into the darkened forest and fell to his knees in the damp undergrowth. It was too much. He couldn’t do it by himself. He had no idea what else was happening. He’d had no contact with anyone but Dumbledore. But what was the point? 

He took a few deep breaths before vanishing the man’s body. He shook his head, clearing the growling voice that invaded his thoughts. He twitched a little, his body shuddered. 

“No.” He said through gritted teeth. “We have another day.” 

“Do we?” He heard the growl. “Are you sure you didn’t lose a bit of time when you were drunk in bed with that muggle girl?” Moony said malevolently. 

“NO!” He felt the sting of frustration and tears behind his eyes. 

Then he began to feel the sickening cracks and pops of his bones as they broke and reformed. He gave in and let himself collapse on the ground. Better than trying to hold himself up. The tears slid down his cheeks as he felt Moony take over his subconscious.

Oddly he woke in the same place on the ground the next morning. Small mercies. He laughed derisively at himself. If it could be called that. He took as deep a breath as he could. He rarely felt like he could get a good breath in after the moon. It hurt his chest as the bones reformed there. He lay in the damp leaves taking a mental stock of his body. Was anything still broken? Out of place? Bleeding? It was a checklist he was intimately familiar with at this point. Determining that it wasn’t terribly bad he rolled to his hands and knees and got up. 

He trudged out of the forest and into a field. He stopped at a road. The French countryside was somehow less gloomy than the German countryside. He made his way down the road and to where he was staying. Taking his usual boiling bath and twenty-four hour sleep. When he woke he wrote to Dumbledore to tell him what had happened. Before thinking about it too much he added that he would be out of commission for a while. Unsure of how long. The owl flew away before he could change his mind. 

He left the wizarding town with his bag over his shoulder and started walking. He walked well into a muggle area when he stopped at the end of a long drive to see a sign that said ‘Help Wanted’. He looked around. There wasn’t anything much around and it appeared to be a farm. ‘What the hell?’ he thought. Moony snarled his disagreement but Remus shoved him to the back of his mind. 

He walked down the long drive and up to a two story stone house covered in vines. There were outbuildings to the back. He walked around and found an older woman coming out of one of the buildings. She started when she saw him. 

“Pardon.” Held a hand up. 

“Oh my dear, you’re English.” She smiled. “As am I.” 

“Hello, then. I saw the sign along the road.” He motioned up the drive, taking his sunglasses off.

“Yes, yes! Follow me, you’ll want to speak to my husband. My name is Miriam Lavingne. And yours?” She said. 

“John. John Howell.” He said. He preferred to give his mother’s maiden name most of the time to muggles. 

“Well John, my husband will be glad to have you I’m sure.” She led him past several of the buildings. “Henri, darling!” She called. “We have someone interested in the job.” 

An older man who looked a little the worse for wear stepped into the light coming through the door of the barn. He narrowed his eyes a little at Remus then held out his hand. “Bonjour. Je’mappelle Henri. Et toi?”

“Bonjour. Je’mappelle John.” Remus held out his hand.

Miriam smacked his arm playfully. “He’s English dear.” She rolled her eyes fondly. “He does speak English.” She raised a brow playfully at her husband. 

“A pleasure to meet you John.” Henri said, holding his hand out. 

Miriam took his bag and John showed him around. Remus hadn’t quite expected it to be so easy. They seemed like nice people. He could see why they needed the help though. The farm was a fairly good size. Wheat. Finally, Henri showed him to a tiny one room cottage on the property where he could stay. Remus did his best to explain that for two days out of the month he had to visit his mother. Without exceptions. Henri seemed amenable to it. 

Remus found his bag on the table of the small cottage and looked around. Acquainting himself with the space. After unpacking his meager belongings he went outside and towards the main house. Miriam had insisted he have dinner with them. As he shut the door and started walking he heard a voice behind him. 

“Oh my god! John?” 

He turned around slowly. He blinked at the sheer impossibility of the situation. “Patty.” 

Chapter Text

Hermione rolled over from where she lay face first on her bed. She’d collapsed that way without even undressing. She was exhausted but she mercifully did not have a hangover thanks to the potion Remus had given her. Remus! She sat straight up in bed. Then she groaned and covered her face. She’d really said Ditto. That was mortifying. 

She got out of bed to get dressed. Once she’d wrestled her hair back into its braid she went out. It was still early so she didn’t expect anyone to be up yet. Of course she should have. And of course it was him. He sat at a small table in the kitchen reading the Prophet and drinking tea.

“Good morning, sunshine.” He said without looking up at her. She heard the smallest hint of humor in his voice.

“Thank you for the potion.” She said, “I don’t feel nearly as shite as I deserve.” 

She pulled out a chair and sat down across from him. He carefully finished reading what he was reading and folded the paper. “How are you, Hermione?”

“I’m fine. And you?” She asked. So they weren’t talking about him randomly leaving with no word. Alright then. She could be an adult about it.

“Oh you know. The usual.” He shrugged.

In fact she did not know. She hadn’t seen the man in four years. And yet before that he was not one to express himself. “Do I?” She said a tad more waspishly than she intended. 

He sighed and crossed his hands together on top of the table. “Alright then. Go ahead.”

Her mouth dropped open. “Go ahead?”

“Yes, go ahead and yell at me. Scold me. Whatever will make you feel better.” He said. 

“Remus, I’m not going to do that.” She said even though she really wanted to. 

“I deserve it though, don’t I? For just leaving without a word of explanation.” He raised a brow. 

“Yes, but what good is it going to do? Clean up your pity party and let's move on. We work together now.” She crossed her arms. She’d surprised herself at how calm she was being. Because what she really wanted to say was, ‘How dare you? How dare you leave the way you did and rip my heart out and take it with you? How dare you make me fall for you so easily? How dare you listen to all my secrets, hopes, dreams, and fears and then just go like it meant nothing?’ That’s what she wanted to say. But she didn’t.

“If that’s how you want it. Then that’s what we will do.” He nodded, picking up his teacup and sipping. 

“Fine.” She nodded. She glanced at him and he smirked behind the cup. She rolled her eyes. “So. The letters. I assume Draco veritas vomited everything.” 

He opened his mouth and let out a deep laugh. “He only gave me the gist. You’ve found some letters locked away in the headmasters office between Dumbledore and myself. He said you were obsessing. Which doesn’t surprise me. You do that.”

She scoffed.

“Which is why you’re so good at everything.” He added amiably. 

She fought the urge to preen at the semi-praise and hid it by getting up and going to make her own tea. “I don’t think obsess is the right word.” Her face burned red as she faced away from him. 

“Alright then, ask me what you want to ask then.” He said. 

“What were you doing all that time?” She said, turning around. 

He shrugged. “Nothing very exciting.”

“For twelve years?” She raised a brow. 

“It isn’t as glamorous as it likely sounds.” He said seriously. He stood up and walked towards her, depositing his teacup in the sink. “You’ve traveled around on an uniformed and blind mission from Dumbledore. You know what it’s like. A lot of fumbling around and not knowing what the hell is going on. I’m sure you can imagine.” He said. 

“Yes but we were only at it for months. Not twelve years. It was cold and damp and we lived in a tent and were hungry sometimes. You mean to tell me that you did that for twelve years?” She asked, incredulous. Narrowing her eyes at him.

“Essentially.” He turned back to the table and picked up the paper. 

“Are you really not going to tell me?” She asked in shock.

“There’s not much to tell.” He replied. 

“I find that hard to believe.” She gave an exaggerated sigh and shrugged. “I guess I’ll just have to read every single letter then. Maybe learn Welsh so I can read all of them.” She said, blinking at him.

“I have no doubt that you’ll succeed. With the obsessing that is.” He said coolly and left the room.

She let out a frustrated huff as she watched him go. The tea kettle began to whistle and she poured water into her cup. She sat down and stared out the window into the courtyard. The students were arriving the next day and she was nervous. She wasn’t teaching but she was still responsible for them. She reasoned that surely after everything she’d done she could do this. 

↭

The following evening all the students arrived. Fleur had been in a nervous flurry all day. Hermione had spent most of the day in her office trying to keep her calm. Bill and Charlie had had a lot to handle before the students arrived. Fleur had even stopped and thrown up once from nerves. 

“Fleur. Don’t be so nervous you’re going to be great. The returning students already know you. Everything will be fine.” Hermione soothed.

“Zank you, ‘Ermione.” She smiled weakly. “I keep zinking zat ze parents will be angry because I am not English.” 

“The board chose you for a reason. You already know the students and their families. You’ve lived in England for a while now. Married to Bill. A tri-wizard champion for goodness sake. If anyone has anything to say they will be hearing from me, rest assured.” Hermione squeezed her hand. 

They arrived in the Great Hall ahead of the students, Bill, Charlie, and Dean, having gone down to Hogsmeade to meet them. The hall slowly began to fill with excited chatter as the returning students filed in and took their seats. She and the other faculty stood in front, flanking Fleur as they watched the students file in. 

Hermione watched the faces of the first years glow with anticipation and she vividly remembered the feeling. The nervous excitement that had filled her. Before she experienced any hatred or prejudice or danger. She glanced at her colleagues, all equally as excited for the students. Most of them from her year or a little above. She considered that. So many people lost during the war and it left an ache in her heart. But she brushed it aside and turned back to the students with bright shining faces. The first years filed in and waited in two lines to be sorted. 

“Welcome!” Fleur said, holding her wand to her neck to amplify her voice. “To another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And a very warm welcome to our new students! Let's begin ze sorting ceremony!” 

Susan handed Fleur the sorting hat and scroll of names. Fleur read down the list and each student came up to be sorted. Slowly but surely they each were sorted. Once it was finished the hall erupted into cheers and congratulations as the first years were warmly welcomed by their classmates. Hermione and the rest of the faculty made their way around to sit down. Each seat was labeled. She was placed between Remus and Penelope. He stepped behind the table before her and pulled out her chair. 

“Thank you.” She said quietly before sitting down. 

Once the chatter had quieted Fleur spoke again. “Most of you ‘ave gone your entire time at Hogwarts knowing only Professor Minerva McGonagall as your headmistress. Eet eez with great sadness zat we mourn her loss. I ‘ave been chosen to serve as headmistress and I ‘ope zat I will do her justice. Having worked with her for ze last five years I ‘ave come to love zis school as my own. I am honored to be your headmistress. Please know zat I am here to support you in any way zat I can. I wish only ze best for you and your education.” She smiled warmly at the students. “We ‘ave two new staff zis year. First eez Mr. Dean Thomas to teach Arithmancy and Ms. ‘Ermione Granger replacing me as librarian. Please join me in welcoming zem.” She held her hands out and Hermione and Dean stood up from their respective seats while everyone clapped. 

Following Fleur's welcome speech everyone in the hall tucked in to their dinner. Hermione hummed at the taste of the food. It filled her with happy memories and a sense of nostalgia. The laughter of the children and the floating candles was doing a great deal to heal her. She’d been apprehensive about coming back. But the hall being filled with such joy was enough to wash it away. 

She leaned towards Remus. “I suppose you are the head of Gryffindor house then?” She asked. 

He shook his head. “Oh no. I was but Oliver took over last year.” 

She hummed in acknowledgment and went back to eating. After a few minutes he leaned towards her. “Joyful isn’t it?”

“Hmm? Oh. Yes.” She grinned. “I was just thinking that. Makes me think of my first time here. Before everything…” She trailed off. 

He hummed. “Yes, I quite understand. My time here as a student was the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s magical. In the truest sense of the word.” he said. 

She nodded in agreement. “It is.”

As the students filed out of the great hall led by the prefects to their individual houses the staff stayed behind at Fleur's request. “As planned I’d like to start somezing new zis year. Tomorrow morning I would like two of us to lead ze new students around ze school for a tour before zeir classes begin. I will lead Hufflepuff and Slytherin houses. ‘Ermione, would you mind leading Gryffindor and Raveclaw house around?”
 

“Of course!” Hermione replied. 

“Good! Zeir prefects will bring zem here een ze morning and we will begin.” Fleur said. 

Following the short staff gathering they all made their way back aside from Dean and Oliver who were on duty. Fleur hadn’t said yet if Hermione would have a rotation. She assumed she would. Penelope fell into step beside her as they all walked. “Well, did you get your questions answered? We haven’t talked today.” She elbowed Hermione playfully.

“No,” Hermione said with a huff. “I could have imagined the outcome though I suppose. I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s very secretive.” She looked further down the hallway where Remus walked beside Bill, both men speaking in low tones. 

Penelope hummed. “I should think you’ll be able to pry the information out of him eventually. Perhaps some chocolate.” She said with a laugh. 

“I don’t know. I’d rather not push it.” Hermione said, more to herself than to Penelope. 

When they arrived in the staff quarters a giant calendar had appeared on the wall so that they could see the prefect schedules as well as their own for duty nights. She went down the list. There would be two staff each night on certain days of the week, alternating weekends. Hermione and Fleur were on the list as well. But Hermione was partnered with Remus. Lovely. 

She felt someone behind her. “Hmmm.” His breath and light laugh blew through her hair and she felt the heat of his body. 

“Looks like we are stuck together then.” She said, willing herself not to turn around. 

“I know you are determined not to, but perhaps we should address the erumpet in the room so that we may present a united front for the students.” He said in his reasonable professor voice.

She turned around. They were nearly chest to chest. “What a load of hippogriff shite. I tried to have that conversation with you this morning.” 

“In fact you didn’t, Hermione. I told you to say how you felt and you didn’t, you were the one who suggested we simply move on.” He raised a brow. 

She breathed deeply, opening her mouth to respond but glanced around when she realized that a few others were watching. “Come with me.” She tugged on his tweed jacket. 

He followed her as she pulled him into her rooms and shut the door. She held her hands together, waiting.

“I’m sorry.” He said, sliding his hands into his pockets and looking at his shoes. 

“It was a shit thing to do, Remus. To all of us but…”

“Especially to you. I know.” 

In the year following the war, once everyone had begun moving out of Grimmauld Place, the proverbial orphanage, the two of them had formed a bond. Harry and Ron were often gone or working late. Hermione and Remus had gotten to know each other. They’d shared quite a few nights of drunken self loathing pity parties. Because isn’t a party better with more than one person?

More than anything she’d felt betrayed when he left without a word. They’d had an understanding, she thought. Kindred souls. But when he left she was forced to reevaluate everything she thought she knew about him and the bond they’d formed. Her teacher. Her mentor. Her friend. Or so she’d thought.

“Nothing I can say will change what I did, Hermione. But you should know it’s one of my greatest regrets. Of which I have many. I owed it to you, Harry, and Ron and I’m sorry.” He said, that familiar tone of self-loathing in his voice.

“So why did you do it?” She asked, willing the tears not to fall from her eyes.

“I was drowning and I didn’t want to drag you under. In the midst of my poor attempts to stay above water I didn’t think how it would affect you all.” He cleared his throat. “It was selfish of me.”

“It was.” She nodded avidly. “I am more hurt that you didn’t think you could confide in me. After all we’ve been through. After everything. I was drowning too and we could have kept each other afloat.” She said. 

“I know.” He said quietly. “It just felt wrong to further burden you.” 

“What do you know. A bloody self-sacrificing Gryffindor.” She gave a watery laugh. “Are we going to be alright?” She asked. 

“That is entirely up to you. I’m the one in the wrong.” He said earnestly. 

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, alright.” She dropped her arms and walked to him. She pried his arms away from his body and wrapped her arms around him in a hug, tucking her head under his chin. He stiffened for a moment before resting his chin on top of her head and wrapping his arms around her. 

She sighed, taking in his familiar presence and scent. Old parchment, chocolate, and Earl Grey tea. “I'm sorry too.” She whispered. 

“Hermione, you haven’t anything to be sorry for.” He reassured her.

“It’s good to see you again, Remus.” She said with a sniff.

“You too.” He sighed and gave her a small squeeze before letting her go. 

She went to bed feeling somewhat better for having talked to him. She was still hurt but she could tell that he truly did feel badly about it and regretted it. She wasn’t sure how to be around him. 

↭

The following morning she woke up at six in order to have time to wake up before the first year's tours. Once she was dressed she slipped on her staff robes and went out into the common area. There was food laid out in the kitchen. A few others were up and eating. “Is this here every morning?" She asked, grabbing a piece of toast and sitting down next to Oliver.

“Mm.” He said, shaking his head around a sip of his tea. “During the term the house elves bring breakfast in here for us before serving it for the students in the great hall.” 

“Lovely.” 

“Good morning!” Charlie said cheerily as he walked in, pouring a huge cup of coffee and walking out. 

Hermione choked down the toast and grabbed an apple to eat while she walked to the Great Hall. The students were just finishing up when she got there. The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw students gathered in a cluster around her. Bright eyed and excited.

“Good morning everyone!” She said excitedly. 

“Good morning Madam Granger!” They said in unison. It shocked her. She hadn’t expected them to call her that. Only Miss Granger. 

“Does anyone have any questions before we start?” She asked. They all shook their heads. “Alright then, we will start at the top and work our way down. How does that sound?” 

She led the students up the stairs and all the way to the astronomy tower. Fleur had taken the opposite approach and started in the dungeons. By lunch time they met in the middle in the Great Hall for the students to have lunch. Quite a few of the older students were already filing in. She sat down at the head table and took a drink of a glass of water that materialized in front of her. 

She was watching the children when Remus came to sit beside her. He took off his robes and draped them over the back of the chair. He sat down as he rolled his sleeves. “The first day is always the worst. You panic a little and wonder what you’ve….” He stood up, his chair legs screeching across the stone floor. “Think again Mr. Cattermole unless you’d like to be serving detention during your first week!” He called over the chatter. He stood there with his hands in his pocket staring down a Ravenclaw boy who looked rather shame-faced. 

She looked at him with amusement. The boy stopped what he was doing. “That’s what I thought.” Remus said seriously, watching the boy until he returned to eating.

His teacher's voice she thought wryly. The one that did things to her. Things she wouldn’t voice out loud. “How very Professor Snape of you.” She smirked. 

“Not that you’ll have much difficulty with that but you have to be firm with them.” He said casually, picking up his teacup.

She gasped. “Just what is that supposed to mean?” Her voice rising in pitch. 

“I think you know what that means, Hermione.” He chuckled. 

“It means you’re bossy.” Dean said from two seats down and ducked when she threw a roll at him.

She crossed her arms. “Very well.” 

Following lunch she rounded up her first years to finish their tour. They were dragging by the end of the day. She couldn’t blame them. Traipsing all over the castle was tiring. It was large. Once they’d completed the rounds of the dungeons she freed them to go to their common rooms. “I trust you all will be able to find your classes tomorrow?” She asked sweetly. 

“Yes, Madam Granger!” They said in unison. 

“Alright then. Go on!” She waved them off and they all charged up the stairs. She followed them up and to the staff common room. 

She entered and flopped onto the couch. Susan came to sit beside her. “So, how was your first day?” She asked. 

“Well I didn’t actually do anything in the library. Also they are calling me Madam Granger. It makes me feel old.” Hermione blew a stray curl from her face. 

“Speak for yourself.” Charlie said grumpily as he collapsed in a chair across from them. 

“I was just wondering. I swore I remembered that the faculty quarters were spread out across the castle before.” Hermione said. 

“They were. After so much was destroyed it was rebuilt this way. Each head of house has floo access right into the common rooms of their respective houses and there are a significant number of monitoring charms in each common room that we can consult if need be.” Susan explained. 

“They thought it would be nice for us to have a place away from the students, unlike before.” Charlie said, eyes closed as he leaned back in the chair. 

Hermione hummed. “Well I suppose we have a bit of time until dinner then.” She went to her room and collapsed on the bed without even removing her robes. She rolled over to stare at the ceiling. It had been a few days. It was fine. She summoned the box of letters and picked up the next one. Another return to sender.

Moony, 

Sighting in Sussex. Please report location. 

Fawkes

And another.

Moony,

Confirm safety. Date, 5 November, 1982

Fawkes

Chapter Text

September 15, 2003

“I think not Miss Evans.” Hermione crossed her arms as she stepped into the stacks following a student. 

“Madam Granger.” The girls eyes went wide with terror. “I wasn’t…”

“Mm, yes I’m sure. Off you pop.” She pointed out of the restricted section. 

The girl swiftly turned and ran out of the library. Hermione felt only a little bad about it. She had, after all, broken more school rules than she could count. The circumstances had been extenuating however. 

“Madam Granger.” She heard the deep tenor of his voice and turned around to find him standing there with his hands in his pockets as always. 

“Professor Lupin.” She said, turning her head up. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call me Madam Granger. It makes me feel old.”

“It makes you feel old?” He said, raising a brow and scoffing. “And how do you suppose it makes me feel?”

“Right.” Her cheeks flushed. “Terribly sorry. Did you need something?” She asked.

“Yes, I was just going to look for something in the restricted section. Am I allowed?” He grinned. 

“Of course.” She stepped out of his way and held her hand out. “Let me know if you need help finding anything.”

He gave her nod and waved his wand at the gate guarding the restricted section. The door creaked open and he went in. She waited until it was closed before going back to the desk. It was early enough in the term that only the truly dedicated scholars were using the library. Which meant roughly three students.

She glanced around to make sure that there weren’t any students in need of assistance before going into her work area to continue organizing and labeling files. She sat at the large table flipping through the records from the headmaster's office. She hadn’t yet brought the boxes of letters between Lupin and Dumbledore. She wasn’t ready to part with them and was still reading through them. It was infuriating that the answers were  just a few meters away in the man's head but he wouldn’t give them to her. Positively rage inducing. She started slapping the folders down on the table angrily as she went without thinking about it. “Bloody stubborn man.” She mumbled. “Makes things so difficult.” 

“Hermione.” 

Her head popped. “Is there a student that needs help?” She started to get up.

“No no. I do though if you have time. It looks like you’re busy though. It’s no rush.” Remus said, holding his hand out in a placating gesture. 

“No, that’s alright. What did you need?” she asked, putting her quill down and standing. 

“Well, I had a seventh year ask me this morning about resisting the imperius curse. We will be going over it this year. And though there is an extensive section in Merrythought, I have found it not to be entirely helpful or universal. It relies greatly on occlumency skills which of course not everyone has. I’d like to give them something to read a bit first rather than showing them straight out.” He said, “I wondered if you might have suggestions or know of a book that discusses it.”

Her mouth fell open. “Can you…resist the imperius curse?”

“Well, yes. But I’m afraid my advice will do the student no good. I am rather shite at occlumency. But it’s…Moony which allows me to do it. I haven’t had to do it often. And I prefer not to let him have free reign as such. But I have found it necessary a few times in my life.” He explained. 

“Wait a moment.” She sat back down and gestured to the chair across from her. “You’re telling me that you can just let him…how does that work?” She asked in awe.

“Well, the first time it happened was an accident. Someone put me under and Moony just pushed himself to the surface in a way. Stepping in front of me you might say. He is a lot stronger in that sense. As you well know it’s quite hard to get through to me when I’m…anyway, if the person inflicting the curse can’t get to my mind only Moony’s but it’s not his body at the time then I can resist it. But after that first time I found that I can just step out of his way. Metaphorically. If that makes sense.” 

“Remus that’s…I don’t think anyone else knows that’s possible. That needs to be studied.” She said, the shock of the thought was taking over her mind. 

His face dropped. 

“Oh no! No I didn’t mean it like that. Please, I’m so sorry. It’s just that that’s truly amazing. Do you know of any others who can do it?”

“Not that I’m aware of. But I don’t exactly go around advertising it.” He said warily. “I don’t like to do it. It’s very difficult to put Moony back in his cage. I rather feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” He chuckled in a bit of a self-deprecating tone. 

“I can’t even imagine how that must feel.” She said softly. 

“But we seem to have gotten off track. A book?” He asked. 

“Yes. Yes, of course. Give me a bit of time to do some digging and I’ll see what I can come up with.” She nodded. “So…” She smiled and propped her chin in her hand. “You’ve read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?”

He laughed. “I knew we’d come back to that. Yes, I have. You know I do enjoy muggle literature on occasion.”

“Well, when we have a bit more time we should talk about it. Since you used it as a comparison for yourself I’d very much like to get your opinion on the story.” She said seriously.

“I’d like that, Hermione.” He smiled warmly and stood up. “I’m afraid I need to get back to class. I have one starting in ten.” He glanced at his watch.

Once he left she went searching for a book that might suffice. She pulled Merrythought’s from the shelf and flipped through the references to begin with. She was sure she remembered seeing something in the restricted section that might prove useful. 

She spent more time than she’d care to admit looking for something. But now she was stuck on the subject as well as the mystery that was the man himself. So nearing the end of the last class of the day she made her way towards the defense classroom with a stack of books in hand. She slipped in the door at the tail end of his lecture. He was looking down as he paced as was his habit, but hearing the door click shut he glanced up, pausing slightly in surprise when he saw her. He only stopped for a moment and continued his pace before stopping to lean against the desk with his arms crossed. 

“Don’t forget, your essays on hex-deflection will be due on Monday. No exceptions. Should you have any questions over the rest of this week and the weekend feel free to come to my office.” He said loudly over the chatter of students itching to get out of class. 

They brushed past her in their haste as she made her way to the front of the classroom. She dropped the stack of books on the desk he leaned against. He raised a brow as he looked at the ridiculous stack. “Very well done, Miss Granger. That’s quite a bit of research.” 

Her face reddened. “Well, once I get started…” She shrugged.

“Yes, I’m aware.” He said, covering his mouth with one hand to stifle a laugh.

She crossed her arms in a huff. “See if I help you again!” She turned on her heel to storm out dramatically but he reached out with one of his unnecessarily long arms and grabbed her wrist. “Wait. I’m sorry. I do appreciate it.” He tugged her arm and she turned back around. “Hermione, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone what we spoke about earlier.” 

“But…” 

He shook his head. “No.”

“Not even Bill? I was going to ask him if he thought he could do something similar.” It came out a little more petulant than she’d intended. 

“Fine. But Bill only. If you insist.”  He said. 

“Thank you.” She said. “I’m sorry. It’s just too important to ignore.” 

“I’m sure.” He said absently. “So, have you plans for your birthday?” He asked. 

She sat down at the desk right in front. “No, I don’t. Ginny was going to come visit but they had a canceled game that was rescheduled to that weekend.” She shrugged. She didn’t particularly like to celebrate her birthday. Her parents had always made a big deal of it. But it felt sad somehow after having lost them. But he knew that. 

“Please don’t…tell anyone.” She said quietly. 

“I won’t but you know that it will show up on the staff calendar magically?” He said. “So they will know anyway.”

“Drat.” She muttered. 

“I think you should perhaps embrace it. Dean, Susan, Penelope, Draco, and Oliver absolutely go all out despite the rest of our insistence to the contrary. Even when Binns said it seemed silly to celebrate his birthday as old as he was, they began celebrating his death day.” 

“What? That’s so horribly morbid.” She said in surprise. 

“Yes. Peeves and Nick would not stop laughing. It was rather depressing.” Remus rolled his lips between his teeth to stop a laugh. 

“Oh my…” She said with a grimace. “Well…” She sighed. “I suppose I ought to get it over with then. If it’s happening whether I like it or not.” She stood up from the desk. 

“Thank you again.” He tapped his knuckle on the top of the stack of books. 

“My pleasure.” She smiled before slipping out of the classroom.

↭

Remus had been right. The following day Dean, Susan, Penelope, Draco, and Oliver started planning for her birthday. They were very secretive about it. But very busy. Anytime they were together and she walked by they shushed each other and laughed. 

Of the bunch Oliver seemed the most reasonable about the whole thing. So she attempted reasoning with him. Which seemed to make it worse. 

“I’m sorry Hermione. We have to do it.” He said. “It’s really just an excuse for us to have fun.” 

“So it isn’t even about me at all?” She raised a brow.

He leaned in. “Between you and me they just love an excuse to plan a party.” He said conspiratorially. 

She hummed. “Alright well you all have fun with that. I have to start my rounds.” She said, patting his shoulder. 

She met Remus by the exit of the staff common area. They walked out together and towards the middle of the castle to split up. “So have you spoken with Bill?” He asked.

“No, I haven’t.” She said honestly. She shrugged. “You seemed not to be very keen on the idea so–”

“I appreciate that. As I said, it isn’t something I like talking about very much.” He said. 

“I know. I’m sorry I pushed you about it.” She said. 

He stopped walking. “Hermione. Just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. You know me well enough, I think, to know that I need a push sometimes. I’m quite stubborn.” He said, daring her to challenge.

She gasped “You? Remus John Lupin? Stubborn? No I don’t think so.” She shook her head exaggeratedly. 

He chuckled. “Yes. Yes.”

“You were right, by the way. I’m very very afraid for my birthday.” She laughed. 

“Yes, it’s bound to be quite the party. Especially since it will be your first.” He said. He looked down at her. “If you truly are uncomfortable with it I could say something. They all still listen to me mostly. Colleague or not, I’m still their former teacher. It has an effect.” He grinned.

“Can’t say I blame them.” She shrugged. “If you put on your stern professor voice I’d do whatever you said too.” The words tumbled from her mouth easily. As if she were discussing the weather.

They had arrived at their destination. He swallowed. “You would?”

She opened her mouth to reply, realizing how it sounded. But she was saved from further awkwardness.

“Hello!” Nearly Headless Nick floated over to them. “Professor Lupin, Madam Granger.” He said cheerily. “Time to catch some naughty students out of bed?”

“Hello, yes Nick, I believe it is.” Remus replied in an equally cheery voice. 

“I suppose we should get going then.” Hermione said quickly and she was off in the direction of her chosen section of the castle. 

She didn’t know what had possessed her to say it. It wasn’t as if it were untrue. But it wasn’t something she would have preferred to say outloud. 

↭

November, 1982 

Remus hung the last of the wheat bundles in the top of the barn to dry out when he heard the door creak open. He looked over the ledge to see Patty coming in. “Just a moment.” He called down, securing the last bundle. 

He jumped down from the ledge to land in front of her. 

“Hi.” She said, fluttering her lashes a little. 

He preferred not to entertain her. He felt awful about the whole situation. He didn’t even really remember the night they’d spent together for Godric’s sake. But this job and staying here was the most at peace he’d felt in a while. He didn’t want to give it up. Perhaps it was selfish. But he tried his best to be nice to her but without leading her on. It could never work after all for so many reasons. 

“Hello, Patty.” He said, brushing his hands off on his pants. 

She held her hands clasped behind her back. “I’ll be going out with some friends tonight. I wondered if you might like to go?”

“I don’t know–” He said warily. “I don’t think that would be appropriate.” 

“Oh please. You English are such prudes. Papa won’t care if that’s what you’re concerned about.” She rolled her eyes.

“That isn’t all of it. I don’t want to–”

“Lead me on?” She raised a brow. “John, believe me I can tell that you’re not one for anything serious. I’m not asking for that. Besides, I think you need to have a little fun.” She shrugged. 

It did sound appealing, having a little fun. It felt irresponsible though. But how long had it been since he was a little irresponsible? It was two weeks to the moon so he needn’t worry about that. He looked at her hesitantly. “I suppose it couldn’t–”

She flung herself at him. “Oh good! I’m going to call Sylvie. We are taking the train to Orleans.” 

As soon as she left he could have kicked himself. It was stupid. He went to his small cottage and found a piece of rolled parchment on the door step. He picked it up to find yet another letter from Dumbledore inquiring about his well being and location. He crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. It wouldn’t kill the old man to be in the dark for a change like he kept everyone else. 

He stripped off his sweaty and dusty clothes to shower. He stood under the spray, thankful for muggle conveniences. It had been a blissful month since he had met another magical soul. It felt freeing. To just exist like this. As a regular man. It would be short lived, he knew. But he would take what he could get. An hour later he was reading and nearly ready to go when she knocked on the door. He jumped up, grabbing his coat from the hook by the door and opened it.

“Ready?” She chirped.

“Sure.”  He said. He followed her out and they got in her car to drive to the train station. “So, do you do this often?”

“No, it’s Slyvie’s birthday so we are taking her out.” She said excitedly. “There is a new place she’s been dying to try in Orleans.”

He hummed and rested his arm on the door to look out the window. It was early but it was already getting dark out. They parked at the station and she shut off the car. She got out and practically ran to a group of people to hug them. “Sylvie, this is John.” She put her hand out and waved him over. 

“A pleasure…” Sylvie said, holding her hand out. “Clearly.” She raised a brow and looked him up and down. 

He was introduced to several more of her friends including Sylvie’s boyfriend. Two other girls and one man. They were all very welcoming to him and they seemed like a good group of friends. It made the hole in his heart very noticeable as he thought about James, Lily, Sirius, Marlene, Mary, and the rest.  But he plastered on a smile. 

They squeezed into one train compartment. Despite his resistance he found himself distracted enough to have a bit of fun. He reached into the pocket of his coat to pull out a pack of cigarettes. They all looked at him and he raised his brows. At first he thought they might judge him but when he held it out Patty and a couple others gladly took one, opening a window. 

“So, John. Tell us about yourself.” Claire said. 

He turned his head to blow smoke out the window. “Not much to tell. I grew up in Wales. Went to school. Haven’t really decided what I want to do when I grow up so I’ve been…traveling.” He said. 

They all laughed a little. “None of us know what we want to do when we grow up.” Gabriel, Sylvie’s boyfriend said. 

“He’s the one I told you about, that I met in Manheim when I went to visit my aunt.” Patty explained. 

“What a ‘appy coincidence.” Claire smiled. 

“Oh?” The other girl whose name he hadn’t caught said knowingly.

He glanced at Patty and raised a brow. Well at least he had done enough for her to apparently speak fondly of their meeting to her friends. Moony growled appreciatively in the back of his mind. He shoved him away.

“That it is.” He agreed, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

“I am quite surprised zat Henri hasn’t ‘ad anyzing to say about zis..” The other man said, waving his hand between Remus and Patty. 

“Oh there isn’t any ‘this’” Remus was quick to say. 

The girls giggled. 

When the train pulled into the station half an hour later they alighted, Patty pulled him along beside her excitedly. The new place they spoke of going to for Sylvie’s birthday was Moroccan. Which was new to him and Moony was not a fan. Gods he hated when that happened. 

After dinner they went to a club and he was careful not to drink too much. It wouldn’t do to give himself away somehow. He was nervous as it was, having left his wand at home. He didn’t like being without it but he thought it for the best. 

Patty had quite a lot to drink and they all stumbled back to the train late into the night. They were unable to find a compartment that time and sat in the regular seats. She collapsed next to him to rest her head on his shoulder. She fell asleep within a few minutes and stayed that way until they arrived back at the station. He’d had nothing to drink himself and led her from the train. “Come on then, let’s go.” He said as she attempted to say goodbye to her friends for the third time. 

If he’d known he would be babysitting he mightn’t have gone. He opened the car door for her and took the keys to climb in the drivers side. He started it and stared at the steering wheel. It had been a while since he’d driven a car and hadn’t very many times at that. But it was late and there wasn’t much traffic. 

When they returned and he parked the car, he was walking her to the door when he heard a deep voice. “Hello, Remus.”

He froze in his tracks. “Patty, go inside.” 

“What?” She said a bit confused. 

“Go inside. Now.” He said firmly. 

She seemed to grasp his tone of voice and did as he said. When the door shut he turned around to see Rowle step out from behind a tree. Remus didn’t have his wand. Of course Rowle didn’t know that. But it wasn’t a position he preferred to be in. 

“Lucky I’ve found you.” Rowle chuckled. 

“What do you want?” Remus asked.  

“I think you know what I want.” Rowle said, raising his wand. He waved it and Remus felt the imperius curse penetrate his mind. His feet began to move against his will, moving him closer to Rowle. 

He closed his eyes. Trying to fight it but remaining unsuccessful. When he stood in front of Rowle he lowered his wand towards the ground, forcing Remus to his knees. When his knees hit gravel he heard a growl in the back of his mind. ‘Well well well’ Moony said in a sinister voice. ‘Weak. Must I do everything?’ 

The next thing Remus knew, Moony pushed towards the forefront of his mind and shoved the spell out. A growl ripped from his throat, “You’d better run, Rowle” 

Remus said it. But it wasn’t his voice. The little bit of him that was still conscious feared what was happening. It was two weeks to the moon, he’d never had Moony appear like this and so out of his own control. 

He felt the spell still pushing against his subconscious, but Moony pushed back harder. He surged forward so quickly that it surprised Rowle and he dropped his wand. Remus’s hands wrapped around Rowles' throat at Moony’s instruction. He spluttered and Remus felt the spell release. Moony retreated and Remus shoved Rowle back far enough to pick his wand up. “Go.” He said. 

Rowles' eyes widened in surprise. Certainly he saw the yellow in Remus’s eyes. Remus snapped his wand and threw it on the ground. Rowle disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. Remus let out a sigh of relief. He turned around to see Patty looking out the window in shock and fear. “Fuck.” He muttered to himself.

He held up his hand, beckoning her outside. She opened the door nervously and stepped out. He started to his small cottage and she followed. Once inside he immediately retrieved his wand. He turned and pointed it at her. “Obliviate.” 

He left a note. ‘Thanks for everything. I’m sorry I had to go.’

He packed his bag and started walking. 

Chapter Text

When the weekend of her birthday rolled around Hermione dreaded whatever was being planned. Professors Trelawney and Binns were on duty so everyone else would be there. Bill and Fleur even. Much to her chagrin. “Traitors. You can’t possibly condone this Fleur. Fire them all.” Hermione said stiffly. 

Fleur’s light laugh sounded through the staff common area. “Oh ‘Ermione, you should let loose. ‘Ave a bit of fun. No rules are being broken.” Fleur patted her arm. Then the French woman flounced off, yes flounced, to have a drink with her husband. 

“Here you go, birthday girl.” Charlie appeared beside her with a drink in hand.

“Charlie you know damn well I detest that.” She pulled a face.

“Drink a few of those and you aren’t likely to care very much.” He chuckled and walked away. 

Hermione did take a sip of the drink. She coughed when the liquid hit her throat. She knew better than to take a drink from Charlie. He strictly drank a traditional Romanian plum brandy that she was fairly certain was made with dragon’s flame. She felt it burn her throat and it would not go away. She took deep breaths, prepared cast augamenti straight into her mouth when she heard a chuckle behind her. 

“Brightest witch of her age should know better than to take a drink from Charlie Weasley.”

She turned around to see Remus. He held a glass of ice water in front of her. She took it gratefully and chugged. “You’re right. I do know better.” She laughed.  “Thank you for this.” She held up the glass. 

“Of course. You’d better pace yourself, they will be shoving drinks in your hand all evening.” He winked and walked away, after someone called his name. 

“Yes, sir.” She mumbled. 

She saw Susan and Hannah talking and went to join them. “Thank you, Susan, for your part in planning this.” She waved her hand around vaguely. 

“Hermione!” Susan flung her arms around Hermione’s neck to hug her. “Happy birthday! You’re very welcome. I hope you have a good time.” 

“Happy Birthday” Hannah said fondly. “Want to dance?”

Before Hermione could answer, Susan turned around to yell over the crowd. “Dean!”

Dean popped up with a look of question on his face and seemed to understand what Susan was asking. A moment later, music floated through the room. 

“Is this a good idea?” Hermione yelled over the sound. “The students…”

“Oh the whole place is heavily warded. They don’t even know where it is.” Susan explained.

Hannah looped her arm through Hermione’s and pulled her to the middle of the room, spinning her around. Hermione laughed, despite herself. She, Hannah, and Susan danced, much like they had at Toil and Trouble if slightly less risque. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Remus watching them vaguely as he talked to Bill. She turned around to hide how red her face was. 

After a bit the music quieted and Oliver’s voice cut over the chatter. “Cake?” He said loudly and everyone cheered. 

The floo roared to life and spit out Harry, Pansy, Ron, Luna, Ginny, Theo, and Neville. She ran at them. “What are you doing here?” She cried in shock. 

“Oliver invited us of course.” Harry said with a wide grin. 

“Always did want to see what naughty things our teachers got up to here.” Ginny said, wiggling her brows. 

“Happy birthday.” Ron and Luna chirped in unison. 

Ginny, Harry, Theo, and Pansy took turns hugging her. Neville was last and he pulled her in for a slightly more lingering hug. “Happy Birthday, Mione.” He smiled, pressing a kiss against her cheek.

“Thanks, Nev. I’m glad you could come. A drink?” She asked. “Just don’t accept one from Charlie.” She added with a giggle.

“Of course. We all know better.” He looked at her warmly with a definitive nod. He followed her to the makeshift bar where Dean made them each a drink.

“Dean, how are you mate?” Neville shook his hand. 

“Good good. Good to see you.” Dean said. 

Drinks in hand Hermione and Neville migrated to a seat. Ginny and Theo and Harry and Pansy were wrapped up in each other while they chatted with Charlie and Draco. Ron and Luna had disappeared somewhere. 

They sat down on a small sofa and Neville put his arm over the back of it. “So, how do you like it?” He asked happily. 

“I love it. Of course it’s only been a month that the students have been here so we shall see. But I love being back here more than I thought I would, it’s not as depressing as I thought it might be. I have my moments but the students' excitement really helps. And you know how much I love the library.” She grinned, nudging his shoulder. 

“I do.” He nodded, with a chuckle. “The students are lucky to have you. Besides, you are significantly more attractive than Madam Pince.” 

She spit her drink and covered her mouth, wiping droplets from around her lips. “Thanks.” She said wryly. Then grinned at him, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. “I appreciate you coming. I know you’re busy.” 

“I wouldn’t miss it, Hermione.” Neville assured her. “We’ve been friends for a long time.”

She talked with Neville for a very long time, the two of them getting drunker all the while. “Neville, I think I’d like to go for a bit of a walk, get some fresh air. Care to join me? It seems as if everyone else is quite distracted.” She glanced around the room. “And to think the future generation of wizarding Britain lay in their hands.” She made a wide sweeping gesture around the room at her colleagues and their revelry. Some of them were playing drinking games. Draco and Charlie were snogging in the corner which confirmed her theory. Hannah, Susan, Penelope, Dean, and Oliver were dancing. Fleur was talking to Ginny. Bill and Remus were sitting in opposing chair having what appeared to be an adult conversation. 

“Don’t mind if I do.” He held his arm out to her and they exited into the halls. She glanced around to make sure there were no prefects on rounds or students out of bed that probably shouldn’t see her in such a state before starting the walk to the courtyard. 

As they walked down the hall Neville began to laugh a little.

“What is it?” She laughed with him despite herself.

He pulled his arm away from her and began a funny and speedier walk. “Students out of bed! Students in the corridor!” He whispered in his best impression of Filch.

She had to stop walking to laugh and catch her breath. “They…” She snorted with a laugh. “They are supposed to be out of bed you blithering idiot!” She added in her own impression of Professor McGonagall.

He laughed out loud and it echoed off the stone. He slapped a hand over his mouth to stifle it, looking around wildly to make sure no one had heard. “Gin was right, does feel a bit naughty.” He smirked. 

Once outside Hermione leaned against a column and took a deep breath, a slight breeze blowing through her hair. 

“Do you suppose our professors were getting up to this?” Neville chuckled, leaning against the column across from her.

“Do I think Professor Snape was drinking wine and singing karaoke and Professor Sprout was dancing in a highly suggestive manner as was Hannah? And do I think that Professor Flitwick was playing butterbeer pong? No, it’s rather funny to imagine though isn’t it?” She laughed.

“We could ask Remus and Trelawney.” Neville suggested. 

“Mm, that’s a good idea.” She nodded. 

Neville pushed off the column to stand in front of her. “I have another idea. You’ll have to tell me if you think it’s a good one.” 

“Oh?” She asked quietly as he took a step closer. 

He nodded. “Mhm, I was thinking that I might kiss you.” He said equally as quietly. 

“It is my birthday. A good birthday snog might be nice.” She looked up into his face, her lips flicked down to his lips momentarily. 

He took it as permission and placed his hand on the column over her head and leaned down. He slotted his lips over hers and her eyes fluttered closed as she ran her hands up his chest. The alcohol in her system coursed through her making the whole experience seem like a grand idea. It seemed to be doing the same for him because the next thing she knew he was pressing his body into hers and her into the cold stone of the column. 

She moaned slightly. It had been quite a while since she’d had a good snog and Neville was surprisingly good at it. Well done Neville. She thought as her lips parted further. His free hand slid into her hair. 

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. Just snogging. Like a couple of teenagers. Long enough for the buzz to wear off. She heard the sound of footsteps coming close and Neville hopped back away from her. 

She glanced up in horror, afraid that it would be a student, only to find that it was Remus. One of his brows raised slowly. “Pardon. I didn’t intend to uh…interurpt.”

Hermione was breathing heavily. “Oh no, that’s quite alright. Probably for the best. Lest any students be out.”

“Professor Lupin.” Neville said, detaching his hand from her hair and holding it out to shake. 

Remus glanced down at Neville’s hand then up at the man with an amused expression. “You needn’t call me professor anymore Neville.”

“Right.” Neville said. “Remus.” He turned his head to look at her with a grin. “Hermoine and I were just wondering earlier…” He cleared his throat. “If our professors got up to what they are getting up to in there just now.”

Remus raised a brow. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

She giggled. “We very much would.” Hermione nodded enthusiastically, molding herself into Neville’s side to ward against the cold.

Remus clocked the motion with his eyes, which met hers briefly. “Well, nothing quite so scandalous. I have seen Minerva and Severus rather pickled together. Quite entertaining. “Professor Flitwick was quite the dancer.” He added. 

Hermione gasped. “That is the best birthday present you could have given me.” 

Neville stood beside her, stunned. “I was not expecting that.”

“Yes, well. Don’t tell anyone.” Remus chuckled. “I fear they’d all haunt me from the grave. But on that note, I shall be going. You kids have fun.” He said with a small salute.

She watched him walk away. “Maybe we should go back inside.” She whispered.

“Probably so.” Neville agreed.

She pulled him along behind her and back to the staff common area. It had largely cleared out and Hermione glanced at the clock. It was later than she’d realized. Her buzz had worn off but something else fuzzy replaced it. Something she couldn’t quite describe. 

“Neville.” She whispered. “Would you like to stay for a while? Another drink maybe. In my room?” She asked sweetly. 

He raised a brow. “Hermione…are you sure? Snogging is one thing but…” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It isn’t that I don’t want to, Merlin. But… you’ve had a few drinks, as have I. And we are friends.” He tilted his head a little in question. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Nev. We are adults.” She rolled her eyes fondly and tugged at his hand while summoning a bottle from the abandoned bar. 

He trailed after her and when they reached her door she leaned back against it, smirking up at him. Neville for Godric's sake. But it was her birthday and she was determined to enjoy it. He huffed a small laugh and leaned down to kiss her again. Her eyes closed and she let herself get lost in the kiss, grabbing onto his shirt front a different kind of buzz setting in. But then she felt a gaze burning into her and opened her eyes. A few doors down Remus was opening his own door but had paused when he saw them. She made eye contact with him. He held her gaze as Neville’s hand sunk into her hair again. And she held his gaze right back as Neville’s tongue slipped into her mouth.

For a second time she did something that would later be quite clear to her but at the time and shortly after would seem a bit stupid. She moaned. Eyes never leaving his. 

↭

February 28, 1983

It had been four months since Remus had found himself what he could almost consider content. He felt guilty about leaving the way he had. Patty and her parents had been kind to him and he thought he could have stayed there for a long time given the chance. But such was life. Remus thought he wasn’t meant to be content. Perhaps he’d done something awful in a former life, doomed to eternally suffer a life of disquiet and unease in this one. 

Plan for peace foiled, he reluctantly went back to doing his unpaid and unappreciated job of tracking down rogue Death Eaters. Which was what had led him to this tiny pub in the south of England. Since his encounter with Rosier he’d written to Dumbledore about it and had been tracking him. He was fairly certain he was the dark haired man he’d seen in the alley that day in Manheim but he couldn’t be sure. The door swung open, bringing in a cold rush of wind and snow. A cloaked figure came in, removing the hood and revealed himself to be the very same man. He sat down in the corner and was soon greeted by a few others, including Rowle. Remus had polyjuiced himself as a random muggle he’d found and took another sip of the potion. 

“So, news of Barty?” Rowle asked. 

“Safe and sound. He was petrified when the portkey dropped him. Not a clue who did it.” The dark haired man said. 

“Oh Rosier, you know better than that. Don’t you?” Rowle said sharply. “I encountered him myself. Sneaky bastard. Working for old Albus surely.”

Remus grinned to himself.

“You can’t mean the werewolf? I do hope it is. Fenrir would be positively delighted if we brought him back.” Rosier said maliciously. 

The third man who hadn’t spoken flipped his hood off to reveal himself to be Igor Karkaroff. “You’re in luck then gentlemen.” He grinned and Remus froze. “He’s right over there.” Karkaroff lifted his hand and pointed right at Remus. 

Remus attempted to apparate but found that the building had been warded against it. He stood up and went for the door. But he felt the tug on his subconscious of the imperius curse. 

“Don’t! It won’t work on him.” Rowle shouted. 

“What are you talking about?” Rosier snapped and Remus spun around. His feet carried him towards the men against his will. 

Karkaroff laughed as Remus approached. His wand was gripped tightly in his hand. “No, look at him. What a good little puppy. Isn’t that right Lupin?” 

Remus moved himself out of Moony’s way. Before his subconscious was pushed to the back he saw the look in Rowle’s eyes that said he knew what was about to happen. It was much closer to the moon this time. 

“Everybody out!” Rowle shouted. 

The other patrons looked around in panic before they slowly began to get up and move towards the door. Moony waited. He stalked the men with his eyes. “Look at him. He’s just standing there.” Rosier laughed. “I don’t know what–”

At Moony’s behest Remus surged forward, wand in hand, and sliced Rosier’s throat open. Blood shot out and coated his front. The other two were momentarily so stunned that they couldn’t move. The other patrons screamed and went for the door even faster. 

Remus grabbed Rowle by the front of the shirt and lifted him into the air. “I’ll ask you just once. Where is Barty Crouch Jr.?” 

Karkaroff whipped out his wand, aiming it at Remus. “Stupefy!” He shouted, but Remus turned, using Rowle's body to block the spell. Rowle slumped in his arms, dead weight. 

He shoved the limp body at Karkaroff and pulled out his wand. “Petrificus totalus!” Karkaroff locked up and fell straight over. Remus could see his eyes moving around wildly. He used his wand to levitate him off the ground and flung him straight through a window and out into the snow, doing the same with the still stupefied Rowle. He kicked the door open and went out. 

The two men lay in a giant snow drift. Remus waved his wand over Rowle to reverse the stunning spell. “What do you want?” Rowle just stared at him. “Answer me!” Remus shouted. “Or I’ll let the wolf out of his cage.” He added quietly. Little did Rowle know that Moony was already out and circling. 

“Gregorovitch!” Rowle shouted, flinching back a little.

“The wandmaker?” Remus asked for clarification. 

“Yes, he had something the Dark Lord wants.” Rowle cowered down when Moony bared his teeth. 

“The Dark Lord is dead.” Remus snarled.

“Is he?” Rowle grinned maliciously and disappeared before his eyes, leaving and indentation in the snow. 

Remus turned his gaze on Karkaroff who still lay petrified in the snow which was gathering on his face and the fur of his coat. Remus knelt down next to him. “You know where Barty is don’t you?” His eyes moved only slightly. “And where your friend disappeared to? I say, do they know that you turned in several of their comrades?” 

Remus waved his wand to undo the spell only on his head. Karkaroff coughed. “No, they don’t know.” 

“So what are you doing?” Remus asked. “Are you spying? Or did you think you could get away with it by turning them in and playing both sides?”

“Spying.” He croaked out.

“For who?” Remus snapped. When Karkaroff didn’t move to answer Remus grabbed his shirt “I will leave you here to freeze if you don’t answer me.” 

‘Kill him.’ Moony cooed. ‘He’s lying.’ Remus shook his head. 

“I don’t know…” Karkaroff said. “I don’t know who it is.”

Remus stood up. The cold from the snow was seeping into him and he cast a warming charm around himself. He cast an incarcerous around Karkaroff and grabbed him by the arm to yank him up. They apparated with a crack. He landed on the stoop of Dumbledore’s family cottage in Godric’s Hollow. He pushed the door open and went inside. It was cold, telling him that Dumbledore hadn’t been back in some time. He made sure Karkaroff was tied securely and used a sticking charm to stick him to the wall. He searched around for a piece of parchment and quill. 

Fawkes, 

Do with this what you will.

Moony

He pinned the note to Karkaroff’s shirt front. He waved his wand to obliviate Karkaroff and blindfolded him before disapparating with a crack.

Chapter Text

A couple weeks or so after her birthday, Hermione couldn’t tell if sleeping with Neville had been helpful or only exacerbated her situation. A situation she hadn’t known she was in so she leaned toward exacerbation. It had been fun. However, she was inclined to think it had made it worse. Until then it had been a long time since she’d slept with anyone and she’d pushed it from her mind. Now it was like she’d opened a can of worms and she couldn’t get them all back in. She’d wake in the night feeling a general sense of arousal. Never specifically about Neville. Though in a few low moments she had considered floo calling him. It was ridiculous really. Then there were her imaginings. The ones that happened in that place between sleep and wakefulness. When her mind had awoken but was still fuzzy. In which her brain ran away with itself, remembering how she’d locked eyes with Remus as Neville kissed her. Her face would heat with mortification or perhaps arousal. She wasn’t sure. 

This was one of those mornings. She woke up in a sweat. Her body lagging behind her mind, causing her a bit of sleep paralysis. She groaned in frustration and closed her eyes, attempting to dispel the paralysis to no avail. 

With her eyes closed she could see him. Hands in his pockets as he paced back and forth across the front of the defense classroom. His soothing voice as he lectured. His large hand twirling his wand between his fingers. One of his many jackets that was a little worn and had elbow patches like the rest. The way he’d lean against the desk, crossing his arms in thought when he was asked a question. The way his brow furrowed as he listened intently. Always intently. Like it was the most important question he’d ever been asked. His sandy colored hair always a little unkempt from running his hand through it. She could hear his voice in her mind. That is correct. Very good, Miss Granger. He’d never stopped calling her Miss Granger. She could count on one hand the number of times he’d called her Hermione. Until near the end of that year living at Grimmauld Place. But she couldn’t deny the tiny rush she got when he praised her in such a way. As an adult she now understood why and it was mortifying. But she replayed the words in her head over and over. Before she really could think about what she was doing her hand slid down her body, slipping between her legs. 

At the first touch, she jolted and realized she could move. She froze. It would have been prudent to remove her hand. ‘Excellent work, Miss Granger.’ ‘Thank you, professor.’ His accompanying wink of approval. A stuttered breath and she moved her hand, lightly stoking her clit. Then her traitorous brain supplied things that he’d never before said to her. It really shouldn’t be possible for her brain to make up such things. ‘Such a good girl, Miss Granger. Are you going to come for me? I know you can. There she is, you’re doing so well.’ 

Hermione shuddered as she came. Something was horribly wrong with her. It was Remus for goodness sake. Her former professor. Her colleague. It didn’t stop her from imagining what it would be like for him to whisper those things in her ear while the scruff of his jaw scratched against her face. 

She sat up quickly, chest heaving. She glanced at the clock on her wall. She was going to be late unlocking the library. Not that anyone ever showed up that early. She jumped out of bed and ran to her shower. Taming her hair and dressing quickly, she’d have just enough time to eat something or perhaps take it with her. She flung open her door to see Remus coming from his room at the same time. Perfectly composed as always. “Hermione. Are you quite alright?” He asked, looking a little concerned at how flustered she was. 

“Overslept!” She shouted and dashed down the hallway. 

She burst into the main hallway past the Great Hall, rushing past students towards the library. When she came to the door there was one student waiting. A sixth year Ravenclaw girl who was the only person Hermione might imagine going to the library so early. 

“Madam Granger. Good morning.” Sadie chirped. 

“Sadie. Terribly sorry. Overslept a bit.” Hermione said hastily as she fumbled for the keys. 

She unlocked the massive door and pushed it open. Sadie followed her in. “Madam Granger?”

“Yes?” Hermione turned around with a smile and a deep breath.

“I was wondering if I might volunteer a bit of my time in here? I hope to work for the ministry when I graduate and I thought it might be a good experience for me. Professor Clearwater said she wouldn’t mind, as my head of house of course.” Sadie twisted her hands together nervously.

“Of course, Sadie, I would be glad to have you. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your classes or schoolwork. I may even be able to put in a good word with Ms. Chang for you in the ministry archives when you graduate.” Hermione added. She was excited by the prospect of a volunteer in a student who was passionate about it. “What is your schedule like then and we can work out a plan.” 

Sadie quickly rattled off her schedule. “Well, if you’d like to start this morning you can. You said you have DADA at ten?” Hermione asked.

She nodded. “It’s my first class.”

“Great! Well let’s get started shall we?” Hermione chirped. 

She directed Sadie to put her bag and books down just behind the desk and took her around the library for a tour. She knew where most things were of course but there were some places she’d need to go that students generally weren’t allowed. “I’ll speak with Headmistress Delacour and Professor Clearwater about granting you permission to get into the restricted section when I’m here.” Hermione added. She showed her the area she’d set up in the back to work on organizing the files found in the headmaster’s office. She explained what they were and what she was doing. Opting to start with having her label the files and organize them. 

Leaving her to it, Hermione went to her desk and sat down to write a note to both Fleur and Penelope, explaining the situation. Then she herself set to work. Her eyes began to cross after a while so she got up and walked around. “Sadie,” She popped her head into the work room. “I’m going to do a bit of shelving if you’d like to come along. I can show you how so you can do it as well.” 

They worked for a long time before Hermione realized what time it was. “Oh! It’s after ten! Sadie I’m so sorry, you’re late for class. Let’s go!” 

Sadie gasped and ran, gathering her bags quickly and the two of them ran from the library and down the hall towards the stairs. They took the stairs quickly and turned down the corridor which held the DADA classroom. Hermione pushed the door open. 

Remus was standing at the front of the classroom, pacing as usual. He stopped at the sound of the door and looked up. “Madam Granger?” 

Sadie brushed past Hermione and took a seat in the back. Remus raised his brows at the girl. 

“Terribly sorry Professor Lupin. Sadie is late and it is quite my fault. She’s volunteering with me and I lost track of time.” Hermione explained. The class had all turned to look at her. 

“That’s quite alright.” He said, “but while you’re here, Madam Granger, would you mind terribly assisting me with a lesson?” He asked. Hermione suddenly felt like a chastised student herself as she stepped fully in the room. “If you have the time of course.” He added. 

She glanced at her watch, mostly for effect. She hadn’t interacted with Remus much since her birthday. She’d been avoiding him. Now was not the time to be put up close to her morning fantasy. “I suppose I can help.” She let the door close behind her and she walked to the front of the room. She clasped her hands in front of her. “What did you need, professor?” She asked. 

His eyes flashed with something as he looked at her. He turned slightly to the class. “Well, today we are beginning with non-verbal spells.” He said. “Perhaps you’d assist me in a display?” 

She nodded her ascent. He nodded and turned his back to the class. She could hear them whispering excitedly behind them. He motioned for her to stand in front of him. She did and he leaned in to whisper in her ear. “I thought to begin with levicorpus, shall I do you? Or you do me?” He asked with a smirk in his voice. 

“Uh, me I suppose. Up that is.” She said. 

He turned his back to her to face the class again. As soon as they quieted her body was whipped into the air and she dangled over his desk. The students gasped. He slid his hands in his pockets and began to pace, leaving her floating. “Can anyone tell me what this is?” 

“Leviosa?” A student in the back chirped. 

“It’s wingardium leviosa.” Said another. 

“Close. It’s a similar principle. Levicorpus. Made specifically for levitating people or creatures.” He stopped and looked at them. She looked down from her place in the air. “Now, nonverbal spells are most effective when done wandlessly. A very talented witch or wizard will be able to pick up on wand movement to predict your move.” He pulled out his wand and lowered her to the ground. Her feet firmly planted, she took a step back and waited for his next move. He pulled out his wand and waved it with the beginnings of a petrificus totalus. She lifted her hand, wand free, and cast. Ropes materialized in the air around him and wrapped tightly around him. He chuckled as they squeezed. “Madam Granger was able to discern my move from the wand movement you see.” 

This went on for a while, as they demonstrated. Then they stopped and supervised as the students tried a few themselves. “We will continue with this next week. Everyone please thank Madam Granger for her assistance.” Remus called over the chatter. 

“Thank you Madam Granger!” They cheered in unison, chattering excitedly as they filed out of the classroom. 

“Madam Granger, is it true that you brewed polyjuice potion in your second year?” and “Did you really ride a dragon out of Gringotts?” and several other questions were lobbed at her from a few lingering students. 

“Perhaps another time, I’ll tell a bit.” She said diplomatically. 

He was watching her with amusement attempt to dodge the questions. Covering his mouth to hide a laugh. “Very diplomatic answer Miss Granger. I say, you may be a bad example for the students, perhaps I’ll ask someone else next time.” 

She ignored him. “Well I think that went well.” She said as she watched them go. “I had fun if I’m honest.”

He chuckled and she realized he was standing right behind her. The heat from his body soaked through her robes. “If I’m not careful you’ll steal my job. I think you have a knack for teaching, Miss Granger.” 

Her breath hitched and she hoped he hadn’t noticed. “Well, I had a good teacher.” She commented. 

“I only taught you for one year. Lets not pretend I had anything to do with that.” He said quietly. “Herm–”

“I’d like to see your imperius resistance.” She said, whipping around. “With Moony.”

“Absolutley not.” He shook his head. “It isn’t safe.”

“Of course it is. I am perfectly capable of defending myself should the need arise but I don’t think it will. If we are far away from the moon.” She insisted. 

“Hermione.” He said firmly. “No. I refuse to do it. I’ve only ever done it when my life depended on it and I won’t do it on purpose. Certainly not in your company.” He crossed his arms. 

“What if Bill is also there? Please Remus. I am dying to see it. It might give us an idea of how it works and further aid your research.” She crossed her arms as well.

“I’m not doing any research.” He argued.

“Yes, you are. All those books I brought you are full of notes and page markers. And I’ve found quite a few more on the subject missing from the library.” She raised a brow.

“You’re entirely too observant for your own good.” He said derisively. 

“Why won’t you let me help you?” She asked. 

“I am perfectly capable of doing it on my own. Besides, it isn't anything serious.” He turned towards his office and she trailed after him. 

“Of course you’re capable. But two heads are always better than one. And you can’t do any practical research on your own. You can’t cast the imperius curse on yourself.” She said. He opened his office door and went in, dropping a stack of books on his desk. 

He remained with his back to her as he shuffled around his office moving things and searching for something. Or pretending to. 

She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him. “Imperio.” 

He stood up straight and turned around at her behest. “Hermione.” He practically growled. “Release me. Please, don’t wake him.” 

She could see the fear in his eyes. The fear of the monster inside him. She pulled her wand towards herself. “Let. Me. Help. You.” She punctuated each word sharply. He walked towards her. He shook his head sharply and when he blinked she saw a flash of yellow cloud his vision and disappear.

When he was standing directly in front of her, he opened his mouth to speak and she released him. “Think about it, Dr. Jekyll.” She whispered and left his office, slamming the door behind her. 

The man was maddening. Positively enraging. The very definition of a lone wolf in a completely unironic way. She stopped in the hallway outside the defense classroom and leaned against the wall. She took a deep breath. She couldn’t believe she’d just done that. It was so wrong. It felt dirty and it made her skin crawl. The look in his eyes, the flash of Moony. She turned around quickly and yanked the door open to see him making his way towards it. “Remus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. It was wrong and invasive. Please forgive me.”

“I’ll do it.” He said gruffly.

“Wha–”

“I’ll do it. But I don’t want you doing it alone.” He said, pointing at her seriously. 

“Really?” She couldn’t help the giddy tone to her voice. “Thank you!” She flung herself at him, hugging him tightly. His hand rested gingerly on her shoulder, patting it absently. 

“Alright alright. I need to go for a walk and shove him back in his cage. So lets…” He pushed her away roughly. 

Her face fell. “Oh.” She said quietly. 

“I’m sorry, I just…need to clear my head of him.” He said by way of explanation. 

She watched him walk away before turning the other direction to go to the Great Hall for lunch, still while feeling the guilt. She entered to the usual flurry of activity. Stopped only twice by a ghost and once by a student before making it to the staff table. Professor Trelawney was seated in conversation with Fleur and Susan was seated at one end by herself grading papers. Hermione began making her own plate. Just as she was sitting down, Bill came in from the staff room, the entrance to which lay behind the table. “Oh Bill! I’m glad to have caught you. I wonder if I might ask a favor.” 

He made his plate and sat down beside her. “Sure, what is it?” He asked. 

She explained the whole situation to him. His eyebrows rose to his hairline and he looked around. “You used the imperius on Lupin!” He whisper-shouted. “Hermione!”

“You are completely missing the point, William.” She crossed her arms. 

“Yes yes. It sounds fascinating. Of course, I’ll help. But, Hermione, we really should revisit that. What were you thinking?” He asked in a concerned tone.

“I wasn’t, okay! He is so maddening. He refuses to be a burden. Not that he is but he always thinks he is.” She shook her head.

“He is and I doubt you will ever change that. In fact I’m surprised that little stunt didn’t make it worse.” He shot her a side eye, giving her a chastising look. “When are we doing this?”

“We haven’t worked out the details just yet. We are going to do that tomorrow night while we are on duty.” She said. 

“Alright. Just let me know when and where.” He agreed. Bill quickly shoveled the last of his food in his mouth. She watched him eat quickly and thought that perhaps it must be a Weasley family trait after watching Ron for all seven years of school and a little more. He stood up and disappeared his plate to the kitchen, kissed Fleur, and left the room for his next class. 

Hermione made her way back to the library after finishing her lunch and decided on a bit of research herself in preparation. She went into the restricted section and began pulling books. She gathered a large stack and took it into her office. 

↭

The following evening Hermione made her way to the Great Hall. Remus was waiting, sitting on a bench and reading. He stood up when he saw her coming. He snapped his fingers and vanished the book. “Ready?” He asked. 

She nodded and they started walking. “Remus, I’m sorry again about yesterday. That was wrong on so many levels and I shouldn’t have done it. And if you don't want to do it, I understand. I would never want to hurt you or make you…lose control against your will. You have it happen enough and it was unfair of me.” She said, twisting her fingers together nervously.

“I won’t lie, Hermione, that I really wish you hadn’t done that. But mostly because my biggest fear is endangering people I care about inadvertently. Besides that, you should know better.” His tone was reprimanding. 

“I do, I promise and it won’t happen again.” She said earnestly. 

“So, did you talk with Bill?” He asked, moving on diplomatically. 

“He agreed! He seemed interested in the topic himself. He said that we need only pick the time and place.” She said. 

He nodded. “Good, the sooner the better I think. It’s only a couple of weeks to the moon. Don’t want to get too close, I think. This weekend?” He asked. 

She nodded. They walked in silence for a little while. “Thank you, Remus.” She said quietly. 

He sighed. “I know you’re right. It could do a lot of good to study it. But it’s as I said, I don’t like…”

“I know.” She said, putting a hand on his arm. She had avoided another certain topic but she was in a penitent mood this evening apparently. “I’m also sorry about…my birthday.” He froze. 

He cleared his throat. “Hermione…”

Her face heated. “I’m so sorry.” She covered her face with her hands. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d had a bit to drink and I…”

He put his hands on her shoulders, pausing her thoughts. “Hermione, stop. It’s alright.” When she looked at him he yanked his hands away. 

“I–” She breathed. She knew exactly what she’d been thinking. And she had just realized it. She wanted him to see her differently. It was silly and childish and exactly the opposite of her intent. But there it was. He was standing very close to her and his usual scent of earl grey tea, old books, and whatever cologne he wore filled her nose. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she did so she unintentionally leaned in slightly. Then his hand was on her arm. This seemed to snap her out of it. “Oh. Sorry. Again. I’m just really tired.” 

“That’s alright.” He said quietly. “Are you sure you’re quite alright? You haven’t seemed yourself lately.”

That’s because I don’t know how to act around you since I’ve been having extremely inappropriate dreams where you call me a good girl with your face buried between my legs. She thought wryly. “I just have a lot on my mind.” She said vaguely. 

“Well, if you ever need to talk about it, I’m here. I know things aren’t quite the same between us after what I did but I care about you Hermione and I always will.” He said it in that quiet voice she’d only ever heard him use with her.

It hit her very suddenly just how much she’d missed him in the last four years. After that they split up for rounds, promising to meet on Friday evening at Bill and Fleurs.

Chapter Text

When Friday night rolled around Hermione was nervous. It was late and they’d waited until after everyone was in bed lest anyone ask questions. Because of this it was cold. She wrapped up and cast a warming charm over herself. She met Remus outside so they could walk to Hogsmeade where Bill and Fleur lived. 

“Are you nervous?” She asked. She could have smacked herself. Of course he was. 

“I am. But only because I am used to being alone with Moony. I never quite know what he will do or say,” he said. “Are you?”

“Perhaps I should be, but I’m not.” She shrugged. 

“There’s that Gryffindor brave stupidity.” He chuckled. “I often think you should have been in Ravenclaw, but then you say things like that.”

“Very funny. I know you don’t trust yourself but I trust you. And Bill will be there. I think you’re overthinking it.” She said confidently, when in fact she was nervous and not for the reason he was thinking. 

When they arrived at Bills and knocked he opened the door to let them in. “Would either of you like some tea or something hot to drink for the walk?” He asked. 

“I’ll be alright. Hermione?” Remus asked, looking at her.

“I’m okay. Thank you Bill.” 

“Well, let's go then.” He clapped, rubbing his hands together before picking up a notebook and pen to shove in his coat pocket. 

They’d decided on going out into the forest to do it. Thinking it best to stay away from other people. When they arrived at their planned location, Remus’s jaw was set. He looked resigned to the plan but not entirely excited. Which was understandable. 

“I thought…” Hermione said a bit nervously, looking between the two men. “Bill, how are your occlumency skills?”

“Complete shite I’m afraid.” He laughed. 

“I thought, if you’re alright with it we might try it on you as well. I know you aren’t fully…” She said with a grimace.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ve been curious about it myself since you mentioned it. Remus?” Bill looked at him.

“I don’t know…I don’t want to force anything out of you that maybe isn’t usually there.” Remus said warily. “I know you don’t transform. But the thoughts are always there, aren’t they?”

“Yes, but for the most part I can push them away or ignore them.” Bill said. “Well I tell you what, why don’t we do you first and you can tell me what it’s like then we can test me later.”

Hermione and Remus both agreed. “Would you rather I do it or Bill?” She asked, looking at Remus for confirmation.

He glanced at Bill who nodded knowingly. “You do it, Mione. So I can step in if needed and not pull your focus on the spell.”

She nodded, unsure if he’d want her to after what she’d done, and was glad that he trusted her. She pulled out her wand. “Ready?” She asked. He nodded his head and took several steps back away from her, then took a deep breath and closed his eyes before nodding his agreement. “Imperio!” She cried, pointing her wand at him.

She mumbled a command. Take one step forward. He did so. She tried a couple more. On the fourth command he stopped. He shook his head. Jaw working. His hands flexed and he made a sound in the back of his throat. She tried again. Come here. 

“Hermione.” He growled. 

He walked towards her. His eyes opened when he stood in front of her and flashed that yellowish color, he breathing heavily. She turned her head slightly. “Bill, it isn’t working…” She tried again. On your knees. He fell to his knees in front of her. A grin splitting his face. 

“That’s because…” Remus growled and snapped his mouth shut, shaking his head “Let Bill do it.”

Hermione blinked in confusion and released him from the spell. He stood and took a step back and a deep breath. “Remus?” Bill said in confusion. 

Hermione took a step over to where Bill stood and they switched places. Bill raised his wand and pointed it at him. Hermione watched as Bill whispered commands under his breath. Only the first one worked. Then Remus opened his eyes once more and there was Moony. He grinned maliciously at Bill. “Try again.” 

Bill spoke again, more firmly. Remus simply stood. Then he took a menacing step towards Bill and grabbed the front of his shirt, lifting him off the ground with one hand. 

“Bill…” Hermione said nervously. Bill tried again, but nothing was getting through. “Bill, maybe you should…” 

Remus threw him backwards and Bill hit the ground flat on his back with a cough, breaking his concentration and releasing Remus from the spell. Remus fell to his knees with a gasp, he closed his eyes, shaking his head to clear it. He put his hands flat on the ground, digging his fingers into the dirt. 

Hermione left him to clear his head and went to check on Bill. “Are you alright?” She asked. 

He nodded. “Yes, that is…wow. That was very quick. I rather thought it might take him longer this far away from the moon.” Bill commented, looking at Remus with something between fear and awe. 

“He was already out.” Remus said through gritted teeth. “He is…Just give me a moment.” He heaved a breath in. “No!” He yelled into the void. 

Hermione inched a little closer to Bill. “Mate?” Bill asked quietly, standing up and standing in front of Hermione. 

She gripped the arm of his jacket, watching Remus struggle. “Remus?” She asked softly. 

“I’m fine.” Remus assured them. 

After a few minutes Remus had composed himself and the three of them sat in a circle on the forest floor. Hermione wanted to ask, but neither man seemed to want to address the real question. Remus was explaining to Bill what it was like. Bill was taking in the information studiously, writing notes, and asking follow up questions. “I think I could do it. It may take a little longer than it took you though.” Bill was nodding. “But what you’re describing sounds just like occlumency but with an extra step if you will.” 

Hermione realized that he didn’t want to address it. Why she wasn’t sure, she thought perhaps it had something to do with her having done it before against his will. But that didn’t exactly make sense. That was the whole point of the imperius curse. 

“I think we should maybe test it a bit more.” Bill said. “Maybe try me next time.” 

“Yes, that sounds good.” Hermione said absently. 

Remus nodded in agreement and they all parted ways at the edge of the forest. Bill towards his home and Remus and Hermione towards the castle again. They walked in silence. Hermione had her arms wrapped tightly around herself to ward off the cold. 

“Go ahead and ask me. I know you want to.” Remus said suddenly and a little reluctantly. 

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Why didn’t it work when I did it?”

“That depends on your definition of working. It brought Moony out.” He said. 

She nodded in contemplation. “So why didn’t he stop me?” 

He stopped walking and turned to look at her. “The simple answer is that he didn’t stop you because he didn’t want to.” 

“But he wanted to stop Bill?” She asked. It wasn’t clicking. It didn’t make sense. The whole point was for Moony to defend him.

“Yes.” He nodded. 

“I don’t understand.” She said. 

"I'd rather not…” He closed his eyes taking a deep breath again “No.” He said firmly and obviously not to her. “I’d rather not explain it.” 

She rolled her eyes. “You know and you just aren’t going to tell me? Can you tell Bill? Are you afraid I won’t understand? Remus, it can’t be that bad.” She flung her hands out to the side.

“Hermione.” He glared at her, wrestling with his thoughts. 

“Is he still there?” She asked quietly. 

“Yes.” He swallowed. “He…wanted to scare you. I think.” He finished. 

She didn’t believe him for a minute. Not at all. “By listening to me?” She raised a brow.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Hermione. I have no control over him. He doesn’t… I’m sorry, if I scared you. It’s rather why I didn’t want to do it in the first place.” He grit his teeth together so hard she thought he might crack them. “We can try again after the next moon. Or try on Bill during the moon.” 

“Alright.” She said quietly. 

They walked the rest of the way to the castle in silence. Every once in a while she would look at him out of the corner of her eye. Wondering what he was thinking. He was obviously deep in thought and she couldn’t get the look on his face out of her head. The look he’d given from his place on his knees in front of her. It simultaneously chilled her to the bone and heated her from the inside. It was a sort of hunger. Not quite malicious. She wasn’t sure how to describe it. In the yellow of his eyes was a bit of mischief but the smile itself was more sinister. She hated to use that word, even if only in her head. There was absolutely nothing sinister or evil about Remus. He was one of the kindest people she knew. But perhaps it had been all Moony. It was difficult to tell. She’d only encountered him once in all the time she’d known Remus. She had been afraid then. 

↭

March 1983 

After leaving Karkaroff tied up in Dumbledore's family home he’d made the mistake of going to Potter Cottage. It was just down the street and it was in shambles as he’d expected. But he hadn’t been back, hadn’t been there since Harry’s birthday before James and Lily died. He walked around the disheveled cottage that had belonged to his best friends. Where he and Sirius had lived for a while. James and Peter were dead. Sirius betrayed them. Remus was all alone. More alone than he’d ever felt. Because now he knew what it felt like to lose the people you loved most. It was lonelier than not having ever had anyone at all.  

He walked around that house feeling more broken than ever. “God damnit!” He shouted, kicking over a still standing chair. He fell to his knees in the dust and rubble, looking around. It had been over a year now but it hurt as much as it had the day he’d found out. He sat there, staring at his hands, letting the tears fall and sobbing until his head ached. Then he stood up and righted the chair. 

He walked around, inspecting the house. He hoped that one day Harry would be able to return. But perhaps it was for the best that he didn’t. Before leaving he went into the living room. On the mantle was a picture of himself, Sirius, James, and Lily who was holding baby Harry on his first Christmas. It had been just the five of them at a time when he and Sirius were still living there in Potter Cottage. He picked up the frame and looked at the picture, taking it out and folding it to put in his pocket to take with him. 

He left Godric’s Hollow and went home. Lupin Cottage was in Wales. It was the small cottage where he’d grown up. He hadn’t been in many years. Not since his parents had passed. It didn’t quite feel like home but it was the only one he had. So he spent the next ten days until his birthday in various states of drunkenness.

It was on his actual birthday, his twenty-third birthday, that he was passed out drunk on the bed of his cottage when a loud crack startled him awake. He jolted so quickly that he vomited when sat up.

“Remus. What a pleasant surprise.” 

Remus cracked an eye open from where he leaned over the side of the bed to vomit. Godric. Not now.

“I must confess I’m surprised to see you here. I come periodically to check. I see you’re a bit the worse for wear my boy.” Dumbledore said in a jovial voice.

“Leave me alone.” Remus groaned. 

“Oh no. I can’t do that. It’s your birthday after all.” Dumbledore said sagely. 

“No shit.” Remus growled. “Leave me alone. I don’t want to speak to anyone.” 

Dumbledore ignored his request and moved around to the other side of the bed, pulling up a chair. He reached towards the nightstand where Remus had left the picture he’d taken from Potter Cottage. Before Dumbledore could pick it up, Remus summoned it to his hand and away from Dumbledore’s grasp. 

“I see you went to the cottage then.”

Remus ignored the old man. He just wanted to suffer in peace. “Albus, for Godric’s sake, just go. If you want me to do something just say it and leave.”

“It doesn’t do to dwell Remus.” Dumbledore said in that maddeningly condescending tone which thought sounded wise. 

“Gee, hadn’t thought of that.” Remus said angrily. 

He closed his eyes to ignore the man once more. He heard a crack indicating that he was gone. He opened his eyes and rolled to the side. On the night stand were twelve bottles of wolfsbane. It had been months since he’d had any. He rolled his eyes. Which hurt quite a lot. He stumbled into the tiny kitchen for a glass of water. 

He leaned on the sink taking deep breaths and willing the nausea away. He’d prefer to just get drunk again, but it seemed imprudent. But he would do just about anything not to think. Not to remember. 

He made himself shower and change clothes before making a series of apparitions to Diagon Alley. He walked down the street and turned onto Knockturn Alley to where he knew he’d find the slimy little man. Sure enough Mundungus Fletcher was right where Remus knew he would be. He popped into existence behind the man who shrieked in surprise and turned around.

“Dung.” He said coldly.

“Remus!” He said with false excitement. 

Remus slapped a hand over his mouth. “Be quiet you dolt. If you tell anyone I was here you will regret it. Do you understand me?” He looked severely at the small man who nodded. 

Remus removed his hand. “Remus, old friend.” He whispered. “I’ve been worried.”

“We aren’t friends and no you weren’t.” Remus said flatly. 

“What can I do for you, Remus?” Mundungus grinned his usually slick grin.

“I’d like to forget.”

“Memory charms aren't my forte Lupin.” He said. 

“You know that’s not what I mean.” Remus said angrily. 

Mundungus studied him. “Remus, we aren’t friends. But I’d like to think I know you well enough to know that this isn’t you.” He said. 

“Circe fuck. Things change Dung, you know that as well as I do. Are you going to do the only thing you’re good for or aren’t you?” Remus growled. 

“Fine. Fine. Come with me.” Mundungus waved for him to follow and Remus did. He knew it was a mistake as he walked. He knew he’d regret it. But he didn’t care. All he cared about was not caring. Not feeling. Not remembering. He was so tired. He was fairly certain no twenty-three year old should be as tired and jaded as he was. But such was life. He’d had more happiness in his time at Hogwarts than he’d ever dared hope to have. And it was over. This was his life now. Loneliness. Darkness. 

They stopped in a small alleyway and Mundungus looked around before spelling open a door that looked like it could have been kicked in easier. Remus followed him in and watched as he moved about and pointed his wand at a lamp. It flickered on. There was a table in the middle of the room with chairs around. Piles of junk and who knew what else lay around. It was dusty enough that Remus coughed. He could feel dark magic radiating off of the piles of useless junk. On the table lay bags of galleons. 

There was a door to the other side that was closed and Mundungus made his way over to a rickety cabinet and opened the door. He rifled through potion bottles and came out with five in various colors and textures. A couple slightly more viscous than the others. Remus grimaced. 

“Alright.” Mundungus sat them on the table in a line. He pointed at them one by one. “Knock out. An existential conversation with Merlin himself. A good laugh. Blankness. A combination of all four of those.” He pointed at the last one. It was a dark purple color and seemed to swirl around in the bottle like a storm. 

“In that order?” Remus asked, incredulous. ‘It’s a mistake.’ Moony said in the back of his mind. Right, shut that bastard up. That was another goal.

Mundungus shrugged. “Hard to tell.”

Remus picked up the bottle. “Any suggestions?” 

“Go somewhere quiet and safe.” Mundungus said quietly. “Probably not by yourself.” 

Remus sighed. If Dung was saying that he knew he must be in a right state. He pulled out one of the chairs and sat down. He put his face in his hands. 

“A drink first?” Dung asked. 

“No.” He picked up the last bottle and turned it over in his hand. 

“Remus…”

“Don’t. I don’t need a lecture.” Remus snapped. He stood up, knocking over his chair. He fished around in his pocket for some money and dropped it on the table. “Remember what I said. Not a word to anyone.” He pointed at Mundungus. 

With a sharp crack he apparated straight back to the cottage. He stumbled when his feet hit the ground and he bent over, nauseous from the distance. When it cleared he went to sit on the couch. He stared into the swirling purple liquid for a solid twenty minutes, working up the nerve. Then he pulled the cork and chugged.