Work Text:
In his head, Ibara plays a beautiful dream of himself strangling the man in front of him until he turns blue in the face and his eyeballs bulge out comedically from the lack of oxygen and the high pressure. He can feel the veins in his hands popping as he tightens his fingers around the tender skin, intending to leave the man dead and humiliated beyond lifetimes.
In the real world, Ibara brushes his long hair behind him and forces out a fake smile as the man continues prattling on about how gorgeous Ibara is, attempting to convince Ibara that they would look beautiful together as a couple.
“Is that so,” Ibara comments, his voice pitched a few octaves higher. It comes so scarily natural to him that he briefly considers becoming a voice actor instead of an idol. “Mm, unfortunately, I already have a boyfriend. Not interested.”
“Come on,” the disgusting man moans, staring lustfully and pathetically at Ibara. Ibara resists the urge to slap the shit out of him and poke his eyes out with his earrings. “I’ll make you the happiest woman in the world, I swear on my mother!”
And there lies the problem; Ibara is not a woman, has never been one, nor does he desire to be one. He wants to blame his seniors for this unusual problem that he’s found himself in, but he can’t really do that, not when it’s technically his fault for losing the games in Bogie Time.
The plan was supposed to be simple: Walk around the city in the feminine outfit and long, luxurious wig that was given by the producers so that he could properly act out his punishment game without feeling a single hint of humiliation.
After all, the best way to beat the system is to embrace it.
Without informing anyone, he left the dorms early in the morning and headed to a public restroom to change. He didn’t want to risk being caught by anyone he worked with in a professional capacity, and the likelihood of his crossdressing incident being called out in public was arguably lower than if he did it in the dorms.
He was wandering around the city peacefully, fighting the itch to pull off his wig and punch the next man who ogled at him. Clothing wise, he found himself strangely comfortable with what he got - it’s not as if they forced him to wear a dress or anything, after all. The clothes were similar to his usual outfits, apart from the colours and the sleeveless piece and all the jewellery that he adorned.
When more people started crowding the shopping streets with the rise of the sun, he decided to duck into a random corner cafe for coffee, and that was when the problem started.
This man walked in, saw Ibara, and walked straight towards him and began yapping his head off about how gorgeous he is.
Ibara has a mind to pull off his wig and shove it down that man’s throat, if only to shut his fat mouth up. Seriously, he’s declined the man thrice now, and the man still isn’t willing to go after Ibara spewed all types of excuses, courtesy of the dramas that Hiyori loves to watch with Nagisa.
“Actually,” Ibara scans the cafe for someone to use. His eyes land on the barista that served him his coffee earlier. He jerks a finger towards the blue-haired man, whose back is currently turned towards them. “That guy’s my boyfriend. I’m just waiting for him to end work.”
The scumbag has the audacity to scowl. “Oh yeah? You’re lying.”
Ibara feels a flash of panic. He pushes it down and smiles. “No, I’m not,” he says sweetly. He leans toward and tilts his head. “Why don’t you ask him?”
Ibara currently has 2 plans. Firstly, if the barista is smart, he’ll play along. Secondly, if the barista has rocks for brains, he takes advantage of the confusion to run out of the cafe and lose the man.
Simple. Surely nothing can go wrong.
The man puffs his non-existent chest muscles out and stomps towards the counter as Ibara quickly gathers his items, pushing out his chair in preparation to dash out.
“Hey, boy,” he growls, snapping his fingers condescendingly to capture the barista’s attention.
The barista turns around with a customer service smile, although his eyebrow twitches a little. “Hello again, sir. How may I help you?”
The man leans forward on the counter in an act of intimidation, and the barista surprisingly doesn’t seem fazed. “That girlie over there says you’re the boyfriend. Tell me, is she being honest? I have a feeling she’s just incapable of appreciating my attention.”
“Oh, that,” the barista immediately glances over at Ibara. The disguised vice president widens his eyes and slightly shakes his head, praying that the message is telepathically sent and heard by the man behind the counter.
The barista minutely nods back, just enough for Ibara to notice but not enough for the idiot to notice. Ibara heaves a sigh of relief. “She’s my girlfriend, sir. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a line forming behind you, so unless you’re buying anything...”
For a moment, Ibara worries that he’ll have to interfere when he sees the man scrunch his fist up, posed to punch the barista over the counter, but he looks at the line forming behind him and the numerous glares being projected his way and decides it’s better to back down.
He grumbles his way back to Ibara as the barista continues taking orders. “So you really weren’t lying, huh, cupcake?”
Ibara has to stop himself from physically recoiling. He forces out another gentle smile and takes a small sip from his coffee. “I wouldn’t lie about this.”
He winks at Ibara and slides a piece of paper over. There’s numbers scrawled on it shittily with a pen and Ibara wants to gag. “Here girlie, just keep my number when you find out he isn’t a good fit for you. You’re a good catch.” He whistles at her one last time before straightening up and exiting the cafe.
Ibara immediately reaches for the paper to scrunch it into a ball without even a look at its contents. He reaches for his coffee and downs the rest of it in one go, a little miffed that it’s turned lukewarm, and decides it’s time to properly head for the punishment game shoot.
He stands up to leave. As he glances over at the counter, he locks eyes with the barista as he’s taking another order, and the blue-haired man sends him a comforting smile.
Ibara awkwardly raises a hand and returns a small wave, turning around and quickly leaving when he feels his face burning.
Thank god for his thick foundation.
-
Ibara strangely finds himself gravitating towards…crossdressing again.
Don’t get him wrong, he’s pretty sure he’s not a woman, but just the idea of being someone else for a day that’s simply another face in the crowd has become so much more appealing.
When he puts his wig and clothes on, that’s not Saegusa Ibara of Eden anymore; that’s not the vice president of Cospro anymore; that’s a woman named Ibara, walking down the streets leisurely in search of a good coffee spot to do his work at.
He makes his way to the cafe again, because the coffee is decent and not because of the barista or anything. He simply wants to show his appreciation and thanks for saving him from having to fight off a creep while in disguise.
He steps into the cafe with a tote bag hanging off his shoulder, his presence announced by the jingle of the bell on the door, and is instantly greeted by a familiar voice.
“Welcome Miss! It’s good to see you again,” the barista greets with a grin. “I was worried that creep might’ve scared you off.”
Ibara clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes. “As if,” he mutters, and the barista laughs loudly.
Ibara orders a black coffee again. This time, as his order is being taken on the register, his eyes purposely lower to check the nametag on the apron.
Jun.
“Thank you for helping me out, Jun,” Ibara says, looking back up and allowing a hint of gratitude to leak into his tone. The POS terminal flashes for payment and he reaches for his card to pay for it. “I truly appreciate it.”
Jun quickly waves a hand. “It’s no problem! I’ve seen my fair share of creeps coming in, so I’m used to scaring them off for my customers. Please have a seat, I’ll bring ya your coffee in a while.”
Fortunately for Ibara, the cafe is relatively emptier today, courtesy of it being a weekday afternoon. He picks a corner seat away from the entrance of the door and pulls out his laptop, ready to answer all the dreadful pending emails and ensure that neither of his seniors have started any conspiracies recently.
He’s only just settled the more urgent emails when he senses a presence approaching him.
Jun holds the coffee in his hands as he walks up, setting it down gently on the table. “Your coffee is ready,” he says in lieu of a greeting, flashing Ibara a smile.
Ibara immediately notices the difference in the size of the coffee cup compared to the one he got on his first visit, even though he ordered the same thing. “Apologies, I don’t recall ordering the L cup,” he points out, to which Jun shakes his head.
“Nah, I just upsized your drink,” he explains simply. “Take it as an apology for not being able to do more for you last time.”
Ibara isn’t one to turn down coffee, especially when the screen before him pops up with an email of a director complaining about Crazy:B’s actions. “Well then,” Ibara says, blinking a few times. He’s never really been offered a free upgrade before, but then again, he doesn’t visit the cafes outside of ES often. “Thank you for that!”
“No problem!” He beams brightly, seemingly too happy at being able to get Ibara to accept the gift. “Good luck with your work!”
The bell on the door rings again, and with another wave, Jun quickly rushes back to his station.
Ibara’s eyes involuntarily trace the man’s steps until he’s back at the cashier and greeting the new customer.
Jun’s eyes meet his for a brief second and Ibara’s eyes dart back down to his screen, pretending to be occupied with his work.
How silly.
With a shake of his head, Ibara reaches a hand out to pick up the coffee as he scrolls through a document. He mindlessly takes a few sips, relishing in the burn as the hot liquid slides down his throat.
How does the coffee somehow manage to taste even better than before?
-
“…Ibara, you’re going out again?”
“Hm?” Ibara shoves his laptop into his tote bag and glances up at Nagisa, who’s been sitting silently on his couch with a book in his hands. “Ah, yes! One of my meetings with an exec will be off-site today, so I’ll need to get going now.”
The lies slide off his tongue too easily.
Nagisa isn’t convinced. “…But you didn’t mark them down today,” he says, furrowing his brows.
Ibara isn’t aware that Nagisa actively checked their shared calendar. He’s always been the one to make sure Nagisa and Hiyori both follow it. He scrambles for another excuse. “…I must’ve forgotten to add it to my calendar! It was a last minute urgent meeting, you see!”
What a weak excuse.
He should be ashamed of himself.
“…Ibara, forgetting?” Nagisa looks even more unconvinced now, and for the first time in forever, Ibara wishes that Hiyori isn’t at work so that he can drag Nagisa’s suspicious prying away from him.
Ibara winces and tries to cover it up with booming laughter. “What can I say? A lapse in judgement! A reminder that I’m unfortunately human after all!” He speedwalks to his office door, pushing it open before Nagisa can inquire any further. “I have the door set to lock after you leave, so don’t worry about locking up! See you later, Your Excellency!”
Ibara only allows himself to curse out loud once he’s safely away from the cameras of the ES buildings.
He’s slipping up, and his nosy unitmates are noticing.
That’s going to be a problem for later, because Ibara currently has somewhere to go and someone to see, and as long as Nagisa doesn’t start trailing him, he can deal with their suspicions later on.
He heads into the public toilet of a park nearby the cafe to change. The cameras have long been disconnected and it’s fairly secluded, tucked away in the corner of the park, so that’s been his go-to spot to transform into the female version of himself.
It’s a hit or miss whether Jun is actually on shift, but he’s casually hinted in one of their passing conversations that he’s usually scheduled for weekdays due to other commitments on his weekends that Ibara hasn’t quite managed to wiggle out of him, so Ibara drops by on a whim whenever he has no meetings scheduled for a certain period of time.
Once again, Ibara walks confidently into the cafe, his presence announced with the jingle of the bells.
“Welcome back!” Jun greets brightly, fingers already hitting the code on the cash register for Ibara’s coffee. “The usual?”
“Yes,” Ibara says, trying to smother down the grin that threatens to escape. “The usual,” he repeats.
“What, no cream for you today?” Jun jokes pointing to the new piece of paper on the counter. “Our new menu just came in. There’s lots of sugar in those, if you’d like to try one.”
Ibara stares at the seasonal menu and the nauseating layers of cream and sugar and sprinkles added to the cup and quickly shakes his head. “Definitely not,” he grumbles.
Jun laughs. “Your usual black coffee then.”
Ibara taps his card for payment and turns to find his corner seat after Jun sends him off with his usual offer to bring his drink to him.
It’s clockwork by now. Ibara pulls out his laptop and answers a few emails before Jun brings his coffee over, even though no other customer gets that special privilege.
Ibara pretends not to notice.
He’s a little annoyed that Jun has never once managed to stay long enough for them to chat up a conversation, due to the other customers entering and forcing Jun to head back to do the work he's being paid to do instead.
Now, Ibara isn’t suggesting that Jun skips out on work to come chat with him. Not at all.
However…
Today must be his lucky day, because the cafe is blissfully empty and Jun comes over with his coffee and purpose in his steps.
“Are you busy?” he asks, placing the cup of steaming coffee down.
Ibara looks up curiously. Jun looks a little sheepish as he gestures to the empty chair across Ibara. “Do you want to…I don’t know, chat? It’s fine if you don’t wanna be bothered though.”
“No, it’s not that important,” Ibara finds himself saying, even though the budget proposal document he just opened is definitely time-sensitive. “Please, have a seat.”
He’s much more intrigued by the man standing before him.
Jun eagerly takes his seat, and Ibara can’t help but mentally compare him to a puppy.
“You’re always busy typing away at your laptop whenever you come, so I didn’t want to disturb you,” he says. “Not good business to scare away customers, after all.”
“Then why today?” Ibara teases, pushing his laptop to the side after he closes his tabs. “Did I look bored of my work?”
Jun laughs. His cheeks flush pink. “No, I just had a burst of confidence today. I’m surprised you didn’t chase me away with an excuse.”
“Mm, well, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while too,” Ibara says, leaning forward on his elbows and watching amusedly as Jun appears flustered at his words. “I prefer men when they’re not hounding me inconsiderately for my number.”
“Oh, uh, thanks!” Jun replies awkwardly, his eyes quickly glancing over to Ibara’s laptop. “Are you working now? Or studying? I always thought you looked like a college student, with how busy you are and all.”
Ibara quickly racks his brain for something to say without fully outing himself. “I work in the media industry,” he says, waving his hand dismissively. “I help out with all the boring, behind the scenes stuff.”
Not entirely incorrect. He is Eden’s producer, after all. He has to take care of all the ‘boring, behind the scenes stuff’ to make sure that only the best of their work goes out to the public.
“The media industry…So like, in the entertainment sphere?” It’s now Jun’s turn to lean in eagerly. “The idol industry?” he guesses in a hushed whisper.
Ibara has to suppress a wince at how close Jun is to the truth. “Kind of,” he replies vaguely. To his surprise, Jun absolutely lights up. “I work with big names, so I can’t really share much about my work life.” He sends Jun an apologetic glance.
Jun shakes his head quickly. “No, I understand! I just love idols too, so to know that you’re working with them is amazing!”
If only he knew how close he was to the truth. Ibara has to suppress another wince. It’s a miracle that Jun hasn’t yet connected the dots to Bogie Time, which should’ve been broadcasted weeks ago.
He’s lucky that Jun doesn’t seem to be interested in idol-related reality TV.
Their conversation somehow delves into Ibara’s jobscope, with Ibara smoking details here and there, barely scraping the surface to avoid doxxing himself.
Jun appears extremely knowledgeable on what goes down offstage in the makings of an idol too, although he insists he’s not related to the industry at all.
Ibara can’t help but sit up a little straighter after every compliment, whenever Jun praises him for his hard work after he explains some of his daily duties.
(Without naming names, he mostly talks about wrangling his seniors, because any other details would out him as an idol, and Jun surprisingly loves hearing about what idols are like in private.)
It’s not everyday his job as a producer is appreciated by a fan, after all.
Ibara’s phone buzzes suddenly, startling the both of them as he quickly picks it up to check its contents.
It’s Hiyori, kindly informing him that he’s currently due to guest for a radioshow in an hour.
Hiyori’s reminding him of their schedule.
He fucked up.
Ibara quickly jumps up from his seat and reaches for his bag. “I apologise for cutting this short, but I was just informed that I’m due for a…live shoot!”
Jun stands with him. “It’s fine! Work calls. I’m lucky that no one entered the cafe too.” He points to the cup of coffee, still fairly filled to the brim. It’s lukewarm now, forgotten by Ibara throughout his conversation with Jun. “Do you need me to put the coffee in a takeaway cup?”
“Please,” Ibara says, shooting him a grateful look. Jun nods, grabbing the coffee and disappearing behind the counter.
He’s a fast worker. By the time Ibara has double-checked that his belongings are on him and made his way to the entrance, the cup is already waiting for him.
“Good luck with your work!” Jun calls from behind.
Ibara’s surprised to find himself weighed down with such a heavy feeling of regret as he leaves the cafe with a farewell wave to Jun.
But first, he needs to focus on changing out and rushing back to the office to catch their transport to the shoot location.
-
“Seriously, Ibara, something’s not right with you.”
Ibara’s never going to hear the end of it.
He mixes up his schedule once, and Hiyori acts like the world is ending.
“What,” he snaps, shaking his head. “I simply lost track of time while doing my work! A concept that both you and His Excellency should be very familiar with!”
Pot calling kettle black, etc.
He will not be hearing this lecture from Hiyori of all people.
Nagisa and Hiyori exchange a look, and Ibara immediately groans. “Don’t pull that telepathic bullshit in front of me.”
Nagisa walks up to him and stares at him for a few seconds. He nods and turns back to Hiyori. “…He’s different. Happier?”
Ibara’s eye twitches. “I’m sorry?”
Hiyori ignores him, nodding back at Nagisa. “I see! I see!”
Ibara groans louder, much to the amusement of his seniors.
They’ll be the death of him.
-
Irritated by his own lapse in scheduling, Ibara doesn’t go to the cafe for a whole week.
He needs to reconsider his priorities, he thinks as he types away at his laptop in his office. He’s not going to let a silly barista and cafe fuck up his work ethic and cause his mind to float away from what’s important.
He built Eden with his own two hands, and he’ll be damned if he ruins it because he’s distracted by someone, of all things.
Even then, he can’t shake his mind off the blue-haired barista.
Ibara’s operating off a lie here, he has to remind himself throughout the week. He’s operating off a lie, and he’s cheating Jun’s feelings by continuing their friendship.
Ibara isn’t a woman. He’s just pretending to be one to escape into a world of boring normalcy, parading around as a busy assistant that hustles around the set tending to spoilt idols.
The version of him that Jun enjoys talking to is built on a foundation of lies.
Ibara knows that the situation is fucked, but he can’t help but stare longingly at the wig that he has stashed in his bottom locked drawer, far away from prying eyes and itchy hands.
He wants to change into another skin and find Jun again.
-
The self-imposed punishment ends a week after, when Ibara manages to catch up with his work and force his mind back on track.
He finishes his work before he steps into the cafe with a goal, no tote bag or laptop with him on this fateful day.
“Welcome-“ Jun pauses mid-sentence, eyes widening. “Ibara! I thought something happened to you.”
“Sorry, I’ve been so incredibly busy,” Ibara says, forcing a mournful tone into his voice. “It seems my afternoons have been getting eaten up more and more lately…”
He’s going to play the pitifully overworked maiden, and ask for Jun’s number so that they can meet outside for a proper meal. Just a meal so that Ibara can act on his selfish desires for once, then he’ll dodge all future meetups and burn these clothes and wigs of his in an incineration plant, never to see the light of the day ever again.
Is it cruel? Definitely, but lbara has always been a selfish man.
“A takeaway, then?” Jun says, keying his order into the machine as per usual. Ibara opens his mouth to ask how exactly he guessed that, but the man beats him to it. “Your bag isn’t with you today.”
Ibara laughs. “You know me too well. I need to rush back to set after this, so I’m here on my lunch break.”
“Coming to visit me on your break!” Jun exclaims, crossing his arms. “I’m honoured!”
“…I’ve been getting busier in my afternoons, so I haven’t been able to drop by often,” Ibara starts, but Jun beats him to it.
“If that’s the case…” Jun pulls out his phone and clears his throat. He lowers his voice, even though there’s no one else in the cafe but them, as if they’re exchanging a little secret between themselves. “Do you wanna go for dinner when we’re both off work instead? I won’t have to run around when other customers come in, and you can take your mind off work properly, without any distractions.”
Ibara feels his cheeks grow warm.
He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be risking his identity and career frolicking around in a random cafe downtown where no one recognises him and going on dates with a man who doesn’t know any better.
He can’t help what he’ll never get.
ibara grins.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
-
They set a date for next Thursday afternoon, where Ibara has an off-day and Jun gets off work earlier on a morning shift.
Jun’s chosen a nice restaurant. It’s a little nearer to the dorms than Ibara would prefer, but a scan around the room shows no familiar faces, so he allows himself to relax.
Ibara’s pleasantly surprised to see that Jun is quick in his decision-making too, barely glancing over at the menu as he quickly decides on his dinner.
“You look beautiful tonight,” Jun praises after they’ve sent their order to their waiter. “It’s a good look on you.”
Ibara flushes pink, running his fingers through his hair. “Do I? I thought I looked a little underwhelming, but thank you!”
Saegusa Ibara, giggling away at a praise of the man he’s supposed to let down tonight.
He did dress up though, regardless of how the night is supposed to go. He went and packed whatever makeup supplies he had in his room and spent longer than he’d liked in that dingy public toilet trying to fix his makeup into something decent that doesn’t scream stage makeup.
It must have worked, if Jun noticed a difference.
He couldn't help but be hit with a flash of pride when Jun commented on it.
How disgusting.
“Nah, you’re never underwhelming,” Jun murmurs fondly. He watches Ibara with such admiration in his eyes, and it feels like the gaze of the whole world is centered down on him.
Even with his most enthusiastic, obsessive fans, Ibara has never felt the weight of such adoration ever.
Ibara blushes at the compliment and bats away thoughts of running away from the sheer embarrassment of everything.
He coughs into his arms, willing his face to stop feeling so damn warm. “How was your week?”
Jun blinks. “Oh, it was the same as usual. Work at the cafe during the weekdays, and more work at a dance studio on the weekends,” he says.
Ibara feels his interest perk up. He sits a little straighter. “Dance studio? You do part time on the weekend?”
Jun’s face brightens up at the chance to dive into his hobbies. “I volunteer at a dance studio on the weekends in exchange for free room rental! It’s a good deal and the kids are bundles of joy to work with.”
Ibara’s not surprised to see that Jun dances. He has a good body, and Ibara can appreciate the toned muscles whenever his sleeve rides up a little at work.
He wants to see the man in action.
“You should-“ Ibara hastily cuts himself off.
He can’t ask Jun to bring him along to the dance studio, not if tonight was to be their last meeting.
Jun cocks his head and Ibara quickly shakes his, trying to brush off the slip of the tongue. “Do you have any videos?” he asks with forced enthusiasm instead.
Jun reaches for his phone. “Yeah, but I don’t take a lot of videos, and the quality isn’t the best. Here.”
He hands the phone over to Ibara, explaining some of his dance routines as the video plays.
He’s much more excited than he’s ever sounded when talking about his barista job. It’s so frustratingly endearing to see the immediate switch in his facial expressions, his eyes lighting up and his hands gesturing animatedly at certain points in the video.
His dance moves are so raw and powerful, and even though Ibara spends his waking hours around idols who objectively dance better, he can’t help but be drawn to Jun’s imperfections.
There’s so much more life to it than he’ll ever see in an idol’s live performances. Even Eden’s very own concerts are crafted, made to present a front to the masses to win over their love.
“I’m probably boring you, aren’t I?” Jun chuckles halfway through the video, rubbing his arm abashedly. He sounds like he’s being chastised. “Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.”
Ibara forces himself to look away from the screen, where Jun is in the middle of doing a flip, pausing the video. “Not at all! On the contrary, I find myself enjoying your dances! It’s not everyday I see a person so dedicated to the art, and, ah, trust me, I see a lot of dispassionate people in my line of work.”
Too many, in fact.
Ibara’s relieved to see Jun appear less embarrassed. “Goddamn, you’re really good at buttering people up,” Jun comments. “Does it come with the job?”
It definitely comes with wanting people to sign his billion-dollar contracts, but he digresses. “It’s not easy to work with so many stuck-ups,” Ibara admits, sighing mournfully. “Truthfully, you’d be much easier to work with.”
“Is that your way of telling me that I should consider becoming an idol?” Jun hums stiltedly, and Ibara immediately picks up that he might’ve unknowingly stepped onto a landmine. “Maybe in another lifetime I would’ve considered it, but not in this one.”
His voice has a barely hidden tinge of bitterness to it, something that Ibara is unfortunately well-acquainted with, so he doesn’t add anything as the waiter walks over and sets down their food.
“Anyways, how was your week?” Jun asks when the waiter leaves, a silent plea to change topics, and Ibara obeys it.
Their conversation drifts away from work and into their daily lives. Ibara twists his stories and talks about his 2 friends that he has the misfortune of knowing, and their little dog, Mary, that he has to walk when they’re both busy.
“I would love to see her one day,” Jun says, in between mouthfuls of water. “I’m a dog guy, and she sounds adorable.”
“If my friends ever require me to walk their dog again, I’ll bring her over to the cafe,” Ibara promises, and an image of the two of them walking Mary together domestically like Nagisa and Hiyori does pops up in his mind.
“Really?” Jun grins. “I’ll look forward to that then.”
The waiter comes by again to drop off the final bill, and their gazes immediately fall on it.
“I’ll get the bill.” Ibara quickly reaches over, but Jun is a beat faster, and snatches the bill away from him. “Hey!”
“I’ll handle the bill,” he declares suavely.
If Ibara was who he said he was, maybe he would’ve swooned and tripped over his feet to thank Jun, but Ibara isn’t, and it doesn’t feel right to make the guy who probably earns a tenth of his monthly salary pay for their meal.
Ibara opens his mouth to protest, but he silences Ibara with a look. “I’m the one that asked you out for dinner, it’s only right if I pay for it.”
Ibara desperately wants to suggest a 50:50 split, if only to cover his own conscience after this dinner, but he knows Jun well enough at this stage to know that the man wouldn’t take it regardless.
“I suppose I’ll have to treat you another time,” Ibara replies instead, grabbing his bag and standing up from his seat. “Perhaps dessert, another day?”
What’s he saying? There isn’t going to be a next time, and there definitely isn’t going to be dessert, because there’s no future in their relationship.
Ibara’s sure of it.
That’s why he reaches forward and touches Jun’s forearms lightly, followed by hooking his arm around the other’s. He tilts his head towards the direction of the cashier with his lips quirked up when Jun jolts slightly, staring at him with a stunned expression.
“Let’s go,” Ibara says, nudging him as if nothing has changed. “The cashier?”
“Oh,” Jun stammers, looking down between the hand on his arm and Ibara. Ibara looks back at him with an innocent expression. “Right, the cashier.”
The bill is settled fast, and before they know it, they’re taking a slow, aimless stroll down the street, with no end goal in mind.
It’s nice. Jun is warm where Ibara isn’t, and his arm is toned and comfortable to hold.
God, Ibara needs to shoot himself after this.
“I’ll walk you back,” Jun offers kindly when they reach the junction down the road. “Where do you stay?”
Ibara has rehearsed this with himself many times in his head as he walked to the restaurant. “Oh, it’s quite a distance from here. It’s alright, really.”
He can’t expose his residence at the ES dorms, but he can’t expose his side hobby to the other idols too.
He can’t imagine what that Tenshouin will do with such information.
“Let me call you a cab, at least,” Jun insists. “It doesn’t feel right to let you walk back in the dark like this.”
Ibara opens his mouth to retort that he can very well take care of himself, thank you, but quickly slams it shut.
…When was the last time he was taken care of, instead of him running around to make sure that everyone else’s needs were settled first?
He can’t help wanting what he can’t ever have.
Ibara feels like he’s watching this whole final scene of theirs from the distance, his soul having detached from his body as Jun calls for a cab on his phone.
“2 minutes,” Jun says, pocketing his phone. “He’s in the area.”
This is the perfect chance to let Jun down. Such a perfect window of opportunity for Ibara to shoot his final bullet and then leave without having to ever pick up the consequences of his actions and continue on with his life.
Instead, he stands at the roadside, and leans into Jun’s shoulders. Jun tenses up at the initial contact, but relaxes immediately after, and an hesitant arm reaches around Ibara’s shoulders to pull him in.
The taxi pulls up and Ibara recognises his time to still turn back is out.
He pulls away from Jun, mourning the loss of warmth, and steps into the backseat of the taxi.
Dimly, he hears himself asking, “See you again?”
That’s not how that was supposed to go. He was supposed to let Jun down politely and let the two of them go back to their lives. He was going to put this phase of his life behind him, but-
Jun’s lips quirk up as he takes a step away from the curb. “See you! Text me when you get home!”
Ibara feels his heart stuttering to a stop.
Fuck.
What mess has he gotten himself into?
-
They start texting each other daily, and Ibara finds time to reply, even if he’s busy with idolwork or contracts or whatnot.
Ibara attempts to reply as little as possible, praying that the relationship will fizzle out by itself, but Jun is horrifyingly understanding, stating that he understands a little of what the entertainment world is like, and that he doesn’t fault him for late replies.
What is this that Ibara is experiencing? Guilt? Him?
At night, when he thinks about his…fling, with Jun, there’s something that always threatens to claw its way out of the pits of his body and shred everything on its path out.
It’s painful, actually. It’s disgusting. It’s every bit of shame and horror oozing out of him in sludges as he tries to keep his double life together.
Nevermind the fact that Ibara isn’t even the gender he pretends to be.
Jun is blissfully unaware that he’s in love with a fraud, and Ibara can’t help but cling onto that, knowing that he’ll never get anything as close to that ever again.
Ibara, the seasoned liar, who obfuscates the truth in every other sentence, finally has to face the consequences of his words.
He pushes this clawing desperation of his further into his stomach and ignores the dread that replaces it instead.
-
Ibara should’ve known that his luck has its limits.
The next time he drags up enough courage to meet Jun again, it’s after a few long, painful weeks of work and business meetings, and a patience that wears thinner and thinner with every interrogative sentence that Hiyori shoots his way.
As per his usual routine, he leaves for the park’s public toilet and changes into his wig and outfit.
Today, he decides to braid his hair, using whatever memories he has from doing Yuzuru’s hair all those years ago to try and fix his hair into something presentable.
He steps into the cafe and watches as Jun looks up, mouth opening in preparation to greet a customer, only for him to stop stunned in his tracks.
“Not off-work yet?” Ibara teases, leaning against the counter. His braid is pulled over his shoulder loosely as Jun’s eyes trace his hair.
The question snaps Jun out of his staring, shaking his head as he sighs. “The next person on shift is changing in the back. His full-time work overrun, so I’m covering for him for a bit.”
Ibara wrinkles his nose. “Doing this while working full-time?”
“I know right? He’s crazy about cooking.” Jun shrugs. “He says it’s fun.”
The employee door slams open, jolting Ibara while Jun’s face lights up.
“Yoohoo, Jun-kun, I can take over for you now!” A familiar grey-haired chef exits their kitchen, his hands busy tying his hair up into his usual ponytail, and Ibara wants to kill himself at the exact moment that he locks eyes with the newcomer and recognition shines in them.
“Thanks, Shiina-senpai!” Jun quickly disappears into the kitchen, unaware of the two men (and one woman in disguise?) staring each other down across the counter.
Ibara’s mind feels as though it’s been thrown into a blender at full speed.
Ibara speaks first, trying to clamp down his panic. “Shiina Niki,” Ibara hisses, jabbing a finger into the chef’s apron. The man backs up a step, avoiding Ibara’s hand. “If you’re smart, you will not say a single word to Jun or anyone else about this. And especially not Amagi Rinne.”
“Oh, jeez.” Niki raises his arms in surrender, shaking his head frantically, fear evident in his eyes. “Vice prez, I swear, I didn’t know you came to this cafe at all!”
“I thought you were only working at Cafe Cinnamon,” Ibara questions sharply, trying to suffocate the panic at having his secret identity leaked out for the whole world to look at. “What are you doing here?”
“I used to work here before Cafe Cinnamon hired me! I come back and help the owner with their seasonal menu occasionally as thanks.” A thought occurs to him and he quickly waves his hands around frantically. “It’s not moonlighting, Vice Prez! It’s truly just for me to return my thanks to the owner!”
“I know,” Ibara says, rubbing his forehead. He’s always been aware of Niki’s tendency to volunteer with restaurants and cafes anonymously to help them with their dishes, and even though it can’t be made public, it’s still good publicity for Crazy:B within the food industry, so he’s let it slide for a while now.
He didn’t think it would come back and bite him in the ass so soon, however.
“No wonder Junjun’s been so distracted recently!” Niki continues cheerfully, without a care in the world for Jun’s dignity. “He’s been daydreaming the last few days, but I didn’t think it would be because of you!”
Ibara doesn’t care to indulge him in a response, even if it makes him feel disgustingly sticky on the inside.
The door opens again and Ibara immediately turns to Jun, dressed in his normal clothes, who waves at him.
Any sign of venom he felt at seeing someone from ES immediately melts away.
“Ibara! Let’s go!” Jun exclaims, reaching for Ibara’s hand. They both ignore the strangled noise of confusion that Niki lets out, although Jun glances up curiously. Ibara immediately tugs their joined hands to yank Jun’s attention away from Niki’s shock.
He can’t help the grin that overtakes his face.
“Where did you say you want to visit again?” Jun asks, pulling out his phone to scroll through their previous night’s chat messages.
Ibara ignores the incredulous stares that Niki sends to the back of his head. He pitches his voice a little higher like he always does, turning to Jun with his lips quirked up. “Shall we go to the arcade? I’ve been dying to go there!”
He hates arcades but Jun mentioned something about wanting to visit one a few nights ago, so there’s really no other choice.
-
Ibara understands freedom again for the first time in a long while.
The first time he experiences it is exhilarating. He had just bought his way out of the military facility where he thought he was going to live and die in, and took his first breath of the open, blue skies, and stared at a future that he can finally grasp by himself.
It was short-lived, however. He plunged straight into the idol life, and there was no more freedom to be had the moment he decided that becoming an idol was the best way to make use of his inheritance.
It was cameras on him at all times, surveillance by the other various members of Cospro as they warily watched the kid who barged his way into their corporation and declared himself the creator of paradise, and an image to keep up lest he gets backstabbed by his allies.
With Jun, far away from the walls of ES, Ibara is free. He lets Jun drag him around town without a care in the world about cameras and mics and being watched (although he already did his due responsibility to make sure he would never be caught again), and he gets to experience life as an average nobody, without the fear of his every minute actions being analysed and called out by a faceless sea of people to judge.
This isn’t so bad, he thinks as Jun pulls him into a vinyl store, gushing about the previous idol generation that Ibara had previously only learnt about for the sake of understanding the business aspect of their successes.
It’s nice, he thinks as he and Jun step into a random cafe they found along the street that serves the best strawberry parfaits.
He lets himself go loose once every other week with Jun, and he finds himself growing complacent of the double life he’s living.
At the end of the day, all lies are always made to be uncovered.
Ibara has grown complacent of this fact, and it’ll come to bite him back in the ass soon enough.
He just has to enjoy it while he still can, clinging onto every rotten piece of morsel thrown his way like a rabid dog.
-
“Oh, he’s here today,” Jun says annoyedly, tapping away at his phone.
“Who?” Ibara tries to take a quick peek at the messages, but Jun turns off his phone before he has a chance to.
“The guy who’s been helping me with my dance practices during the weekends.” Jun sighs, shaking his head. “He keeps telling me that I have the potential to become an idol and drops by every other week after my lessons.” His shoulders slouch and he sighs again. “He’s an irritating man, but he’s a good teacher.”
Ibara feels a tinge of jealousy worms its way into his heart and threatens to swallow it whole. He grits his teeth silently and forces himself to relax. He smiles at Jun. “For what it’s worth, I believe you can become an idol too!” Ibara says.
“Yeah, but we’re going out.” Jun grins and raises their connected hands, fingers nicely fitting against each other’s. “You’re supposed to be nice to me.”
Ibara has to suppress a wince. He didn’t know how they finally semi-officiated their relationship, but something in the air of their dates changed somewhere down the line, and now Ibara spends his nights dreaming about arcades and coffee and prays he never has to wake up from this dream.
An idea pops into Ibara’s mind, right after he considers hacking into some random dance studio to observe Jun’s secret teacher.
“I haven’t seen you dance at all, have I?” Ibara begins, tilting his head curiously.
As expected, Jun immediately reaches for the bait. “Wanna come? People usually stand outside and try to watch me through the tiny window on the door, but I’ll make an exception for you.” Jun winks at Ibara, to which the crossdressing woman rolls his eyes and lightly smacks Jun’s shoulder.
“You make me sound like a voyeur,” Ibara protests mildly, even though his original idea was basically that. “I just want to see your performances with my own two eyes, rather than on a screen.”
Jun’s honestly a good dancer in Ibara’s books. It isn’t because he’s biased or anything, like Jun has accused him of, but Ibara genuinely finds himself drawn to the emotion in his movements and expressions when Jun shows him short clips of his dances.
Embarrassingly enough, he once had a dream of dancing alongside Jun with the rest of Eden. He spent the rest of the day in such an oddly cheerful mood that Hiyori grew suspicious and he had to force himself to be normal immediately by yelling at them.
But that’s merely a pipe dream, never capable of turning into reality when Ibara is living out a lie, so he takes whatever crumbs he can get with Jun and pretends that it’ll be good enough for their relationship.
“Aw, you’re too nice,” Jun coos jokingly, and Ibara rolls his eyes again. “I’ll be there at the same time on Saturday, and we can even go for lunch afterwards if you’re up for it.”
Ibara grins, hugging Jun’s arm a little tighter and shooting him a fond look. “Sounds like a plan.”
-
Saturday comes, and Ibara already has the feeling that something is going to go awfully wrong.
He wakes up with a pounding headache and an alarm that would’ve woken up the rest of the room if it wasn’t for the fact that literally none of his roommates are in there, meaning that he’s definitely abhorrently overslept, something that he hasn’t done in a long time.
He curses loudly as he speed walks over to his office, praying that no idols or secretaries stop him to talk about something completely irrelevant to the fact that Ibara is late to meeting Jun.
Him? Late? The world must be ending.
Unfortunately, he has the honour of meeting Hiyori in the Cospro building’s lift up to his office, the senior smirking at him as Ibara hurriedly slams the buttons for the lift doors to close.
“My, fancy seeing you here so late in the morning!” Hiyori immediately points out, already eager to poke fun at Ibara. He clicks his tongue and shakes his head in mock disappointment. “Our dear viper, oversleeping?”
“Not at all! I simply returned to my room to retrieve some files,” Ibara replies calmly.
“You forgot your files?” Hiyori asks with a twinkle in his eye, the one that spells trouble and nosiness. Ibara is immediately reminded of his conversation with Nagisa, and curses their wicked telepathic powers.
Ibara doesn't bother indulging him with a quick reply as he watches the floor numbers slide up. It seems to be moving much slower than it usually does, although he’s not sure if it’s because Hiyori’s voice is grating on his morning nerves.
“Unfortunately, even I find myself capable of being forgetful,” Ibara says when Hiyori’s stares grow too sharp and his eyes narrow.
“In the room that you share with Tsumugi-chan?” Hiyori asks incredulously, and Ibara really wants to strangle the other for being so damn nosy.
Ibara’s eyes dart up to the display again. There’s still a few more floors until his office floor.
“His Eminence and I do not snoop into each other’s files. We set strict boundaries, considering our placement as roommates in spite of our roles in our respective companies,” Ibara snaps back.
The lift comes to a stop slowly. Ibara waits until the doors fully open before he takes a step out.
“See you later then, viper!” Hiyori calls out cheerfully, and Ibara’s never been so glad to see the lift door shut in his face and disappear upwards.
He quickly rushes to his office, pulling out his wig and whatever outfit he had planned to wear the night before and shoving it into his totebag carefully.
He can’t get any wrinkles on his clothes, after all.
He sends Jun a text message informing him that he’ll be late, and the recipient's chat icon immediately switches to green.
Jun: oh no worries! the kids just left. my dance guy is late too, but hes always late
Jun’s mysterious dance partner sounds like an enigma. The man has his weird little quirks and the tendency to do whatever the hell he wants that has even Ibara raising an eyebrow every time Jun complains.
It sounds like one of the snobby idols he has to deal with every other day, Ibara thinks, feeling a familiar sense of pity for Jun.
Ibara: Late again?
Jun: ya but when is he not lol
Jun: ill just do my warmups first. cya ltr :)
Jun: saluteee~~~
Laughter escapes Ibara. He catches himself and quickly pretends to cough into his fist, even though there’s no one in his vicinity watching him stare giddily at his phone.
He saluted out of habit once when they parted ways, and Jun has been teasing him about it ever since.
The lift arrives, and it is thankfully empty of any disturbances this time.
-
It’s routine to Ibara now.
Drop off at the nearby park, head into their public toilet and come out a completely new person.
The dance studio isn’t far from Jun’s cafe, so he heads in and orders two drinks for them (after making sure that Niki is nowhere in sight), and begins his short trek to Jun.
He can feel his veins buzzing with excitement. Ibara, whose whole job is to watch and study people as they dance everyday, is actually looking forward to watching Jun’s dance practice.
He finds himself in front of the dance studio, pulling out his phone to double check the address even though he knows he can’t be wrong.
He takes a deep breath and steps in, heading towards the half asleep receptionist to announce his presence and ask for directions towards Studio 2, which Jun had texted for him to enter.
The receptionist points towards a door down to the right, and Ibara dutifully follows it, heart beating fast as he knocks on the door marked with a sign that says ‘Studio 2’ and takes a step back.
“You’re here!” Jun greets, reaching over to grab Ibara’s hand. “I would give you a hug, but I’m disgusting right now.”
Ibara titters. “It’s no problem.” He raises an eyebrow. “You did bring an extra change of clothes for our lunch later though, right?”
Jun clutches his chest, making a wounded noise. “Are you saying I stink?” He says, pretending to sound as pitiful as possible.
“Hm…Perhaps?” Ibara teases back, and Jun bursts into laughter as he breaks character.
“Ah, did your girlfriend finally arrive, Jun-kun?” A familiar voice sings from behind Jun, and Ibara hears his world stop and crash.
This is a nightmare, Ibara thinks dimly.
It almost feels surreal as Hiyori steps out from behind Jun and the both of them lock eyes.
One, fearful. The other, flickering between confusion, realisation, and anger.
Ibara swallows nervously and his eyes dart away, desperately looking for an escape route when both of them know there’s none.
“It’s such a pleasant surprise to see you here!” Hiyori greets in faux cheeriness. He tilts his head mockingly. “You never told me you had a boyfriend!”
Jun looks between the two of them curiously, a little cautious of the conversation unfolding in front of him. “Ibara, you know this guy?”
Hiyori, having had his suspicions confirmed with Ibara’s name being announced out loud to everyone, gasps dramatically and puts his hands on his hips. “How rude, Jun-kun! Shouldn’t you be asking if I know her instead?” He says, and his tone is equivalent to that of sneering, masked under layers of etiquette and formalities.
But Ibara has worked with Hiyori for a few years now. He can read through his every word and every sentence, and he knows exactly what the noble is trying to do.
The tension at the doorway is thick and suffocating, and Ibara, with all his quick thinking, can’t find a way to escape the piercing gazes of both Hiyori and Jun.
Ibara decides to answer Jun first. “Ah, we’re colleagues at work.” He smiles weakly. Hiyori scrunches his face, looking like he’s trying his best to resist laughing. “He’s one of the idols I work with on set.”
Hiyori doesn’t offer anything else, delighted to watch Ibara drown in the hell of his own making.
“…I see,” Jun trails off, having sensed the awkward atmosphere that’s built up. He stares at Ibara for a few more seconds and Ibara wants to run away.
He seems to have made up his mind on something, because he says in a comforting tone, “Ibara, do you want to wait at the cafe for me? I’ll text you when I’m done.”
His eyes are filled with worry and his voice with concern as he gives Ibara the escape route he’s been praying for, and Ibara is suddenly struck with the realisation he’ll lose everything here if Hiyori decides not to cooperate.
Ibara nods and turns to leave, but the sound of the plastic in his hands rustling reminds him of Jun’s coffee. “Before I go, I bought coffee for you.” He gently reaches out to hang the plastic handle around Jun’s wrist, and Jun smiles at him gratefully.
“Thanks,” Jun says, every bit of confusion previously etched onto his face melting away. “You’re always treating me to coffee even though I literally work there.”
“I’m technically supporting your salary,” Ibara replies. Jun opens his mouth to say something else, but the sound of Hiyori clearing his throat stops the both of them in their tracks.
“Oh, sorry to keep you waiting, Ohii-san,” Jun says, although it's unapologetic. His fingers brush Ibara’s skin as he takes a step back, and Hiyori’s eyes narrow so minutely that it would’ve gone unnoticed by anyone else. “I’ll go and put this away and we can start.”
Jun sends Ibara another grateful smile, giving his hand a light squeeze before he retreats deeper into the studio, leaving Ibara to deal with his senior alone.
Ibara takes another step back, reattempting to leave, but Hiyori has one foot out of the studio door and the producer immediately knows better than to run.
He has everything to lose.
Hiyori has no stake in this.
The cards is are his hands now, and Ibara has never felt so terrified in his life.
“Your Highness,” Ibara whispers, pleading for the first time in his life, “please don’t say anything to Jun.”
Hiyori doesn’t grace him with a reply. He stares at him for a few more seconds with a calculative gaze on his face. “I’ll see you at work later, Ibara-chan!” he purrs, walking back into the room and slamming the door in his face without waiting for Ibara’s reply.
-
Ibara has spent the last hour sitting in a random cafe downtown, his laptop out on the table with a darkened screen.
He couldn’t bring himself to go back to their usual cafe. Everything inside there now screams of Jun and of Ibara’s deceit, and he can’t bear to sit in the misery of his own making, so he wandered around until he found another place that smelt like coffee.
He attempted to send off some emails to kill the time, but it proved futile to distract his mind.
His phone sits face up on the table like a ticking time bomb, every flash of notification a trigger that keeps his heart jumping up in anticipative fear.
It’s almost like a punishment of sorts; that dance studio has become the manifestation of his very own Schrödinger’s cat situation, where the knowledge of Ibara’s sin is left unknown to him until Jun steps out of the room.
Ibara hates losing control, and right now, everything is in the hands of Hiyori, and it’s driving him up the walls.
Ibara’s phone vibrates with a new notification. He watches it cautiously as the screen turns on, and Jun’s contact flashes in his face.
It’s almost embarrassing how fast he scrambled for his phone to swipe it open.
Jun: im done
Jun: wru?
Jun: btw i made ohiisan leave cuz i could tell that he was bothering you. talk to me later?
Ibara breathes a sigh of relief, and then sucks in another breath of fresh air, because even though Hiyori has graciously given him a buffer time, he still has to do something about the whole situation.
Ibara: [Live Location]
Ibara: I’m here.
Jun replies with a thumbs up and that’s the end of their exchange as Ibara places the phone face down onto the table now and directs his attention back into his laptop, if only to get his mind off the elephant in the room.
Or rather, the woman in the cafe.
He doesn’t even have the time to think before the cafe doors burst open and Jun stands there in a changed set of clothes, panting as perspiration drips down his neck and he scans the room frantically.
He finally spots Ibara’s purple hair, quickly making his way over and taking the seat across from him.
Any other day, and Ibara would’ve teased Jun about his sweaty, panicked appearance. Maybe even throw in a joke or two about Jun being overly protective.
Not today.
Ibara pushes his drink towards Jun, indicating for him to take a sip, and shuts down his laptop.
Jun glances at him gratefully and gulps down whatever Ibara bought in his haze. Ibara drums the table with his fingers.
“Sorry,” Ibara says, “I couldn’t be there to watch you practice even though I said I would be.”
Jun places down the drink with a clank, as the ice cubes clink against each other, more ice than drink left in the cup. “It’s okay,” he reassures, concern leaking into his voice. “Your comfort takes priority over anything else.”
Hearing Jun utter those words, it makes Ibara feel so much worse about the lies and deceit he’s put the man through, and is still going to put him through after this.
“I think we were just both shocked to see each other in public.” Ibara laughs stiltedly. A rehearsed response that he thought of earlier. He feigns nonchalance. “He’s still my superior after all.”
It couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Really?” Jun says, disbelief clear in his voice. Ibara nods and forces himself to maintain eye contact.
Jun sighs and rubs his forehead, staying silent for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. “You know, it’s okay if the two of you had a thing before,” he finally comments, looking a little resigned. He breaks eye contact first, glancing down at the cup between them as his fingers draw circles on the glass with the condensation. “I’m not a prude. I can deal with you having exes.”
Ibara immediately shoots up in his chair, his hands slammed against the table. He ignores the surprised gasp from the table behind them. “Excuse me? Me? Date him?”
Somehow, Jun had shot and completely missed even the rim of the ring.
Jun furrows his eyebrow, a little taken aback by Ibara’s reaction. “That’s the only explanation I could think of!” he protests. “Why were the two of you acting like that then?”
And isn’t that million dollar question of the day? Ibara hates to admit it, but having Hiyori as an ex might be preferable to unloading the entire truth on Jun on a random afternoon, especially when he’d intended to die and be buried six feet under with this secret of his.
“We’ve had some issues at work,” Ibara mutters. If there’s one thing Ibara can pride himself on, it’s using foolproof lies to get his way. He puts on his most pathetic, apologetic puppy eyes as he lowers his head. He’s sure discomfort radiates off him in waves right now, and Jun can clearly sense it, judging from the way he reaches a hand out for Ibara’s. “Sorry, could we talk about this another day? I just… didn’t expect to see him outside of work.”
Jun, to his credit, immediately relents. “We can talk about this another time,” he agrees, rubbing circles into his knuckles. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you for an answer.”
Ibara simply hums an empty response, ignoring the prickles of guilt that stabs at his heart.
Jun continues, “do you want me to cancel my future sessions with Ohi-, no, Tomoe-senpai? I’ll do it.” His resolve is firm and steady and they both know Jun would do anything that Ibara asked of him,
and isn’t that such a dangerous power for a swindler like Ibara to have?
Ibara furiously shakes his head. “Do not do that. I’ll settle our issues at work the next time we meet.” He musters up a comforting look. “It’ll be fine. He’s a good mentor. It’ll be good for your improvement.”
“If you say so,” Jun says. He taps his phone awake and reads the clock. “Are you still in the mood for lunch? We can do something else if you’re not.”
Frankly speaking, Ibara has absolutely no appetite now, but Jun just completed a morning of dance training and Ibara of all people should know how important it is to maintain his diet, so he nods and stands up, letting go of Jun’s hands.
“I’m quite famished,” Ibara lies. He inclines his head towards the door. “Shall we go look for food?”
-
Ibara gets back to the ES dorms during sunset, where the last few embers of the day burn low in its transition into the darkness.
They had spent the rest of the afternoon strolling aimlessly around the downtown stores, Ibara’s mind in a messed haze and Jun trying to catch him from drifting too far.
They exchanged little words, and when Ibara apologised for his unmannerly behaviour as the taxi drove up to them, Jun simply brushed it off in that irritatingly understanding tone that made Ibara feel worse.
It’s just his luck that his Holdhands lights up with a notification just as he steps into the Cospro building, determined to head into his office to finish up some work and start thinking about what he’s going to do about Hiyori.
Speak of the devil.
Hiyori: Meet me at our dance studio.
Hiyori: I think you owe me answers, don’t you?
Ibara shuts his phone without sending over a reply and changes course, marching towards Eden’s dance studio instead.
When he steps in, Hiyori is already there, arms crossed and deep in thought as he leans against the mirror panes.
He doesn’t acknowledge Ibara as the producer steps in, and Ibara doesn’t greet him either.
“Ibara.” Hiyori’s voice sounds after a minute of Ibara simply standing there, waiting for the senior to respond. His voice is deep and chilling, and Ibara can tell he’s currently on the thinnest sheet of ice, balancing above a waterbody of sharks prepared to gnaw him alive.
Except the shark here is a furious Hiyori, and when he’s silently fuming rather than boisterously bemoaning the situation, it usually doesn’t mean good news for the other party.
“Your Highness.”
“I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this, you must understand,” Hiyori continues without a care for Ibara’s thoughts, walking in slow steps around him. “I can’t help but have questions as to why our dear producer is going around town, dressed as a woman and dating impressionable young men?”
“We’re the same age,” Ibara tries to say, but Hiyori shuts him up with a glare thrown his way.
“Is this another experiment of yours? Trying to determine the popularity of crossdressing idols after Bogie Time?” Hiyori laughs drily, shaking his head. “And I thought you absolutely dreaded that punishment!”
“It’s not that,” Ibara mutters, rubbing his forehead in an attempt to soothe the migraine that’s been building all afternoon.
Hiyori’s head snaps towards him. He stomps towards Ibara, and before he knows it, he’s being cornered against the wall. Ibara tenses. Hiyori’s eyes narrow. “See, Ibara, I happen to care for Jun-kun very dearly.”
Ibara swallows harshly. “I care for him too.”
“Mhm,” Hiyori hums noncommittedly. His voice is dull and devoid of his usual brightness and Ibara, for a split moment, understands fear. “So really, I wonder what you gain out of playing with his feelings,” he hisses, a hand reaching up to yank at Ibara’s collar. Ibara’s hand shoots out to try and pull Hiyori away, but his grip is surprisingly firm and harsh and there’s no escape for him. “I know you stooped low to get what you wanted, and I was happy to ignore everything else that you did for Eden, but I didn’t expect this from you, viper.”
In a twist of irony, his voice oozes with venom.
Ibara doesn’t know where to begin. “It just happened,” he argues weakly.
“Which section of your grand plans for Cospro includes ‘playing with another man’s heart by pretending to be a woman’? Because I really need to read that for myself!” Hiyori says in mock cheerfulness.
“We met a few months ago at his workplace before we filmed the punishment for Bogie Time, and it spiralled out of hand!” Ibara hisses, meeting Hiyori’s furious eyes. “I didn’t think it would escalate into…this!”
“And the crossdressing?”
Ibara hesitates, unsure of where to even begin explaining the escapism and the fear of revealing his true gender to Jun, after they’ve both invested so much into this faux relationship.
“That… was my mistake,” Ibara admits, feeling extremely defeated. He slumps in Hiyori’s hold and looks away. “I didn’t know how to explain to him that I wasn’t actually a man, and I simply kept up the image until today.”
Ibara’s solution was to procrastinate the bomb that was going to blow up in his face, and now, Hiyori’s the one lighting the fuse for him.
Hiyori is still clearly unsatisfied with the answer given, if the way he frowns is any indication. “Tell me, Ibara,” Hiyori starts, sighing. “Do you love Jun?”
Ibara has had a lot of time to struggle with this question. He’s lost countless hours of sleep staring at the ceiling and wondering if he’ll ever be capable of love, and thinks about how it’s somehow manifested in the only person who doesn’t know a single truth about him.
“Yes.”
Hiyori relaxes his grip on Ibara and the man takes the chance to jerk away, hands moving up to automatically smooth out his collar.
“Then fix it, or I’ll leave Eden and take Nagisa-kun and Jun-kun with me to form another unit away from your claws. We both know Jun will be able to debut as an idol, and this wouldn’t be Nagisa-kun and I’s first time changing units,” Hiyori says calmly. His eyes soften for a beat. “I see you as my family too, Ibara, but I won’t stand by idly and watch you hurt the people I love, and that includes yourself. Do you really not feel burdened by the weight of your lies?”
“…I do, Your Highness,” Ibara whispers. His legs are weak as he leans against the wall with a stuttered laugh. “I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this.”
“Fix it,” Hiyori repeats. “Or I’ll do it for you.”
With that, the man turns around and marches out of the room, leaving the door wide open for anyone else to stick their head in and watch as Ibara slides down to the ground, burying his face into his knees.
He doesn’t allow himself to shed a single tear as he sits there, taking in controlled breaths as he considers his next course of action.
He pulls out his phone and arranges for dinner the next day with Jun, ignoring the man’s concerned questions scattered in between their conversation.
Fuck, he thinks blankly, staring at his ruffled appearance in the mirror. His clothes are still askew from Hiyori’s rough treatment, and he looks downright awful as he stares at his own shaken expression.
Fuck, Ibara thinks again, blinking back the tears that threaten to escape his eyes. He rubs them away and stands, making the decision to return to his office and come up with a few plans when (not if) things go south with Jun.
I can’t lose him, Ibara decides.
-
“Is this about Ohii-san?” Jun asks the moment Ibara walks in and takes a seat at the table. “Because I really don’t care about what he thinks.”
“It’s not about Hiyori.” For some forsaken reason, he can’t bring himself to meet Jun’s eyes, all full of concern and worry that’s undeserved.
Ibara doesn’t deserve anything that’s come out of this relationship.
“…I’m sorry, Jun,” Ibara murmurs apologetically. “We can’t be together, not when I've been lying to you throughout the course of our relationship.”
Jun pauses, cocking his head. “Have you been cheating on me?”
“No! Of course not,” Ibara rushes to say, and he hears the relief when Jun breathes out a sigh.
Jun shakes his head. “Then I can’t accept the apology when I don’t even know what you lied about,” he says indignantly.
Ibara sucks in a deep breath. “Firstly, I don’t actually have long hair,” he starts. He had wondered if it would be socially appropriate to pull off his wig to prove his point, but ultimately decided against it the night before. “I’m wearing a wig. My hair is short.”
“Okay.” Jun leans back in his chair and shrugs. “Nobody’s perfect. I don’t really care about hair.”
“I…I don’t usually wear clothes like this,” Ibara continues, looking down at his outfit. “My nails are stick-ons. I don’t wear bracelets or rings like these. My appearance doesn’t reflect who I am. It’s an illusion.”
“…Okay? I don’t see what you’re trying to get at here, because none of these are exactly dealbreakers for me, and you know it..” Jun’s face has morphed from concern to utter confusion. “I think you’re gonna need to spell it out for me, Ibara.”
“…I’m actually a man,” Ibara confesses, holding his breath. Jun’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “I’ve never been a woman. That day I met you, I was crossdressing for a show. I never intended for things to go this far.”
He gets it all out in one go, because he doesn’t know if he’ll stop and lose his train of thought otherwise. He forces himself to hold eye contact with Jun, needing to see for himself the irreparable damage he’s done to their relationship for the sake of his conscience.
Jun’s face flashes through a variety of expressions. Confusion, surprise, and then… acceptance?
Ibara must be seeing things. He must’ve taken his desires and projected them onto his image of Jun, because there’s absolutely no way that the man sitting across from him is taking in the newfound facts so calmly, without even a twitch in his expressions.
“Huh. That’s fine with me,” Jun says, nodding as if Ibara simply told him that he didn’t like their dinner. “I’m cool with that.”
Now, Ibara’s the one left speechless. He was expecting screaming and accusations thrown in his face, or perhaps a potential cry for a lawsuit and a demand of his time and money back, but no.
Jun doesn’t seem fazed at all.
A thought comes to mind. “Did you know the entire time then?” Ibara asks accusingly.
It’s the only logical explanation as to why a man would be so calm about the person they were wooing suddenly changing genders.
Blackmail, perhaps? That wouldn’t be a good look for Ibara and Eden. It’s going to be a nightmarish PR incident for Ibara to deal with.
Jun shakes his head, leaving Ibara stumped.
“Nah, I had no idea.” Jun thinks about it a little more and shrugs again. “It makes sense now why you didn’t really like going clothes shopping.”
It was mainly because Ibara didn’t like clothes shopping in general, but he doesn’t say anything, choosing to instead stare back at Jun.
Jun blinks. “Was that your grand reveal?”
Ibara nods.
“Goddamn, I expected something more insane. Like an arranged marriage or something.”
Ibara frowns. “This is usually…insane to most, no?”
“I would be more shocked if you told me you were secretly an idol!” Jun laughs at his own joke, but Ibara can only stare at Jun, a dumbfounded expression coming over him.
“…I’m in the same unit as your Ohii-san. I’m in Eden.”
Now, Jun’s the one to turn speechless.
“Seriously, this is what gets you?” Ibara mutters, watching amusedly as Jun’s mouth opens and closes, his words failing to work.
“You know how I feel about idols!” Jun exclaims after a moment, slapping his forehead and ducking his head. “Shit, I must’ve sounded so goddamn embarrassing.” He raises his head, realisation apparent on his face. “You’re Saegusa Ibara of Eden, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am,” Ibara replies, admiring how cute Jun is acting as the man groans and covers his face in shame again. “Nice to meet you again, Sazanami Jun. Shall we shake on it?”
“God, at least I never talked to you about Eden,” Jun murmurs, shaking his head.
“I thought you liked Eden?” Ibara comments, feeling his heart drop. It’ll definitely be an issue if Jun turns out to hate Eden, but it shouldn’t be the case, especially if he’s being taught by Hiyori, right? “His- Hiyori’s your mentor, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, he is, but goddamn, I always thought you were cute,” Jun starts, cheeks flushed pink. “I told Ohii-san about this once and he teased me for the whole month!”
Ibara’s heart nearly beats out of his chest. His face feels so warm that he thinks that blowing himself up might be preferable to hearing Jun speak about him so affectionately. “…Excuse me?” he croaks.
“On the very day that Eden debuted. I watched your MV and was so goddamn enchanted by you that I couldn’t get you off my mind for the next day or so,” he says fondly, in a dreamy, smitten voice that would’ve given Ibara’s goosebumps if it was anyone else. “My boss was mad when I nearly poured boiling water straight onto my hands.”
Ibara’s starting to think that maybe all the stress and worries were for naught, if Jun was clearly so smitten by both versions of him.
“So did you approach me because female-me reminded you of male-me?” Ibara laughs, resting his head in his palm. “You sure are a lucky man, but I also won’t fault you if you wish for us to end things here now. I did lie a lot throughout the course of our relationship.”
He won’t be lying, however, if he says that he wouldn’t be disappointed if Jun chose to leave. He doesn’t think anyone has ever truly looked at him like this, beneath the facade that he’s painted on himself.
He experienced freedom with Jun, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get anything close to that ever again.
Jun shakes his head without hesitation. “Sure, you looked a little like Saegusa Ibara from Eden when I first saw you, but I figured it was just a coincidence. At the end of the day, I fell in love with you for you. Isn’t that all that matters? You’re still Ibara to me.”
Ibara…can’t find a response to that.
His heart skips a beat.
Ah fuck, he’s really deep in it now.
“Are you…crying?” Jun asks gently, his hand outreached and hovering above Ibara’s.
Is he? Ibara reaches up to touch his cheeks and finds his fingertips pulling away damp. He blinks the tears away and uses the back of his hands to brush them away.
“No, I’m not,” Ibara replies gruffily, pointedly ignoring the part where another tear escapes his eye and rolls down his face. “I’m not crying.”
“See, no difference,” Jun says amusedly, finally reaching out to brush the stray tear away, his fingerpads warm against Ibara’s face. “Still the same, grumpy Ibara. Just a guy now, of course.”
“Things are going to change,” Ibara warns him, resisting the urge to sniffle. His throat feels choked up. “Dating an idol comes with its complications-“
“I know, I know.” Jun beams brightly. “I’m still willing to go out with you, if you’ll give us a chance.”
“It’s your downfall then,” Ibara jokes, cracking a smile.
Jun laughs, and-
everything will be fine, Ibara realises.
(As long as he survives Hiyori’s wrath tomorrow, but that will be a concern for tomorrow’s him.
Right now, he’s happy to have dinner with his partner as who he truly is.)