Archive of Our Own ^beta

Pony needed to shower.

He just finished track practice and he was sweating and he felt gross.

He gathered up new clothes and promptly froze in the bathroom doorway.

He hated showering. It reminded him of the fountain. The endless stream of cold water, the feeling of being alone, left to die, and his lungs burning with the need of oxygen.

He couldn’t breathe then and he can’t breathe now.

This happens every time. The relentless water on his body makes his mind go utterly blank. All his logic and reasoning go out the door.

He knows he can breathe, he knows, but it feels too real, too much like that dreadful night. It’s only a matter of time before he really does drown.

Maybe he’s drowning now. His lungs are burning again, throat too tight, but there’s no water. He’s drowning by the thought of water.

How pathetic.

His lungs have locked up and decided to not take in any air. The lingering feeling of endless water was somehow worse than if he was in it.

He must’ve made a choked noise because someone’s voice sounded over the static in his ears.

“Pony? You alright?”

It was Two-bit.

Right, some of the gang were here. More specifically, some of the people he looked up most to in the world. He couldn’t be acting like this in front of them. He couldn’t show how weak he still was.

Like they didn’t already know he was weak.

Pony finally found his voice and all but squeaked out an, “I’m fine.” His throat was still too tight and his lungs were still burning. He just needed to breathe. He couldn’t breathe.

Two-bit came into view and raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing him.

“Yeah? Well, I’m no genius, but I don’t think practicin’ to be a wall is what ‘fine’ people do.”

Pony wanted to snap back that he wasn’t pretending to be a wall, but instead reliving the time he almost died, again. Pony didn’t say anything. Being scared of a past experience wasn’t tuff and he didn’t really feel like being made fun for it at the moment.

At his lack of response, Two-bit seemed to realize something was genuinely wrong and he turned his head toward the living room where the others were, and called out,

“Dal! Steve! Get over here.”

Pony only turned paler, horrified at the thought that the two toughest guys he knew were about to see him like this. His eyes flicked to the window and if he wasn’t so paralyzed with fear, he would’ve jumped out of it.

He jumped a little once he blinked and Steve and Dally magically appeared in front of him.

They took in one look at his appearance—his snow-white face, trembling body, shallow breaths, and unmistakable fear in his eyes—and turned to Two-bit.

“What did you do.” Dally demanded, already assuming Two-bit went too far with a joke or pun.

“What’s wrong with him?” Steve asked, voice hard and directed at Two-bit. He wanted answers so he could fix this.

While Two-bit dealt with being offended at the quick accusation, Piny tried to mutter another “I’m fine” but Steve stopped him before he could get the second word out.

“Don’t say you’re fine kid, you’re obviously not. You look like you have to face a herd of Socs with a water gun. What’d this oaf do huh?”

Two-bit’s jaw dropped and he sputtered out a mock offended rant, more to get a reaction out of Pony than anything.

“WOW guys, wow. So I actually didn’t do anythin’ at all but the fact that you’re so quick to blame me says everythin’. Y’know I just try to help around here with my jokes because y’all are so depressin’, but I see how it is. You take them for granted and think I’m an easy target you can point at when somethin’ goes wrong. Well I’ll tell you what, I am not gonna lay down and take this disrespect anymore. I’ve had enough of your cruelty. C’mon Pony, we’re going literally anywhere else.”

While Two-bit on his pointless tangent, Dally, ever the observer, took in the scene. A fearful Pony stood in the bathroom doorway with an armful of clean clothes. He just came from track practice and needed a shower. Like a detective with a red string, Dally started to put the pieces together.

“Two-bit stop,” Dally said, hand waving like he was swatting an annoying gnat. “Pony, are you scared to shower?”

The abruptness of the question made Pony blink in shock, his throat opening a little how straightforward Dally was. Then the words sunk in and he wanted the floor to swallow him.

How could he say yes to that? How could he make it so he wasn’t the weak baby they already thought he was?

Pony tried to answer, tried to deny it. The words wouldn’t come. All that left him was a whimper, which was more pathetic than if he did say something.

While Pony’s mind played chicken with words, Steve and Two-bit were coming to the conclusion Dally had. Two-bit made a silent ‘oh’ with his mouth and Steve just exhaled slowly, like he was trying to slow down everything so he could come up with a fix.

Finally, Pony found his voice and whispered,

“The fountain.”

Those two words were all he could scrounge up but it confirmed the elders’ theory. Dally nodded and his and Steve’s mind were visibly running through countless scenarios to help him while Two-bit carefully extracted the clean clothes out of Pony’s death grip.

Pony blinked. He didn’t know he was gripping them so tight. His hands ached once he let go but the pressure helped him take his mind off the fountain so he turned his grip towards his arms instead.

“No kid,” Two-bit said, for once his humor was gone, a soft understanding painted his tone instead.

That couldn’t be right. There was nothing to understand. Pony was weak, simple as that.

Two-bit gently unlocked Pony’s iron-grip hands on his arms and moved them to his own. “If you’re gonna cut off anyone’s circulation, it’ll be mine. I have two other limbs in perfect condition.”

The ridiculousness of that statement startled a laugh out of Pony that was more of a puff of breath than anything.

Why weren’t they teasing him? Why weren’t they demanding him to man-up?
He was being a baby. He was scared of water.

Two-bit, somehow sensing his internal beat-down, just sighed with a warm exasperation. “Kid, we’re not gonna make fun of you, especially not for this. You almost died in that fountain. It’s expected to leave a mark on you and having a fear of water isn’t crazy. We’re just sorry we didn’t notice sooner.”

Pony was speechless and a little teary. For weeks he convinced himself he was weak for being this fearful of water. Two-bit had dismantled that mindset with a few sentences.

He tried to argue. To refuse what was said. He didn’t get far.

“No-no, it’s been-it’s been weeks. I shouldn’t—”

“Shouldn’t what?” Two-bit asked, tilting his head like Pony’s logic didn’t make sense, not his. “Shouldn’t be scared of what almost killed you? Kid, I hate to break it to you, but almost drownin’ is gonna leave some scars. This isn’t weak or unreasonable. Trust me, we don’t think any less of you.”

Steve and Dally, who had been conspiring quietly together, joined in and stated their agreements with what Two-bit was saying.

Pony’s eyes finally did spill over. According to them, he wasn’t weak at all. He wasn’t ‘unreasonable’ as Two-bit put it. He was just human and if his big brothers were saying this, well how could he not believe them?

But there was still the problem of actually showering. Just because Pony came to terms with his fear didn’t mean he wasn’t scared anymore.

“So-so what do I do?” Pony asked between wet gasps. “I can’t-I can’t do anything with water. I can’t wash the dishes. I-I can’t shower. What do I do?”

Glory he really was helpless wasn’t he? He might not have been a baby like he once thought but he was still incapable. Somehow that was worse.

“Well, me and Dal were thinking,” Steve started slowly, a small frown on his face like he was frustrated at himself for not coming up with a concrete solution. “What if we were with you?”

Pony blinked a few times, more tears spilling out with each blink.

“What?”

Two-bit side-eyed his friends as well. Just what were they getting at?

“Like Steve was sayin’, it might help if we were with ya when you’re in or around water. When you’re showerin’, we would be right outside the curtain talkin’ to ya and stuff. It might take your mind off the memories.” Dally explained more thoroughly, his eyesight downward and his tone more sheepish than confident.

They didn’t have much. There were no weapons to throw, hits to be landed, or words to insult. They couldn’t fight memories or trauma. So they gave the one thing they did have. Themselves.

It was so messy and imperfect and utterly them. They wanted to help so badly but they didn’t know how, so they threw themselves in hoping it’ll work.

A wobbly smile formed on Pony’s face. A small part of him wanted to refuse. He wasn’t a child, he could bathe by himself. But a bigger, more reasonable part knew that he was out of options. It was either try their method and hope it’ll work, or suffer in silence once again. Pony’ll take the first one.

So Pony found himself standing in his tub, stripping his clothes off while the others lounged on the other side of the curtain, talking about nothing to get his mind off the fountain.

Once he forced his hand to turn on the shower, and the water streamed down him, a choked gasp escaped his throat.

It didn’t work.

He was back at the park, in the fountain.

He was drowning, an impossibly strong hand pushing his head down, away from the precious air.

He was drowning.

He couldn’t breathe.

It didn’t work.

But then the memory halted.

Someone was speaking.

Not a cruel Soc, laughing at his dying figure, but a steady, familiar voice droning on about car parts.

Steve.

“—hear me Pony?”

Pony choked out a “huh?”

The park was slowly fading from his vision, the strong hand leaving with it.

“I said you’re alright, with us and nowhere else. You’re not at the fountain and you’re not drowning.”

Steve’s voice was a steady rock in Pony’s rapid river of thoughts. He was something solid to reach on to.

Pony realized he wasn’t engulfed in water, and had a source of air that wasn’t going anywhere.

“O-okay, okay. You-you were talkin’ about a-a car engine?”

Pony’s voice was shaky and broken in several places, but Steve paid no mind and continued on with his, truthfully boring, monologue.

It wasn’t boring to Pony though. It was something he could latch on to. It helped push the past away so he could focus on the present.

Once Steve was done with his story, Two-bit took his place and recalled a story so ridiculous, Pony couldn’t take his mind off of it. Once he was done, Dally stepped in to talk about simple, everyday stuff.

Throughout all of their stories, when Pony’s mind slipped and couldn’t hear them anymore in favor of the rushing water spraying him, he would call out and ask if they were still there.

“You-you still there?”

Each time, they would pause, answer him, and continue on where they left off.

“Of course kid.”
“Right here.”
“Wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

Finally, Pony could shut the water off and just breathe. He wasn't in the fountain. He was at home with his family.

Dally handed him a towel over the curtain. He wasn’t drowning. He was drying off after a harmless shower.

When he was dried off enough to put boxers on, Steve plucked the towel from his shaking hands, and dried his hair with intense concentration, usually used for dismantling a bomb. Two-bit and Dally helped him into a hoodie and sweatpants after Steve was done.

Distinctly, his mind realized that these weren’t the clothes he had picked out, but theirs. This was Two-bit’s faded, blue hoodie, Steve’s stained, grey sweatpants, and Dally’s old, soft white shirt. Somehow they had switched the pile of clothes from his closet to theirs.

“To help remind you that you have us, always,” Dally had grunted, looking straight into Pony’s eyes while he said it, not caring if it made him ‘soft’ at all.

And it did help. The overwhelming scent of his older brothers, drove away the last remaining feeling of the whole fountain incident.

His mind still seemed to be a little scattered, because with one blink, Pony was settled on the couch in between Two-bit and Steve, with a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. Dally sat on the floor, his back pressed up against Pony’s legs, one of Pony’s arms dangled in his lap.

Some movie was playing but for once, Pony wasn’t paying attention. He had to show his appreciation for them. For what they did.

A simple ‘thank you’ seemed laughable for all they’d done but it was all he had at the moment.

“Thank you guys,” Pony whispered, his voice small but not shaky. “I know that doesn’t cover it, but I swear I’ll—”

He was cut off by Two-bit.

“Kid, you don’t have to do anythin’. We wanted to help so just accept it and be prepared for the next time.”

“Next…next time?” Pony faltered here. They were going to continue this? They would waste their time again? Willingly?

“Of course kid, ya think this is a one-and-done thing?” Dally replied bluntly. “We ain’t gonna let ya drown in fear no more. We’re here from now on, got it?”

Pony just nodded, his throat too tight for words, but for once not out of fear.

Between being sandwiched between his family, and the promise of them not leaving anything soon, Pony could finally relax. He knew it would be a long time before he could forget about the fountain, maybe the memory would never go away, but he knew that he now had help dealing with it and wouldn't be alone anymore. So Pony just settled in deeper against Steve’s side and let himself fall asleep in the safety of his family’s arms.