Archive of Our Own ^beta

It starts snowing while Soobin is waiting on the curb in front of his apartment complex. The sky was as grey as it has been the past weeks, when seemingly out of nowhere, a flurry of thick, cold flakes started floating down. Soobin only notices because the dark fabric of his gloves suddenly get speckled with white, then dark blue as the snow melted.

It could be raining for all he cared.

It's hard to say how long he's been out here, waiting. He just couldn't stand being inside anymore, he had to get out. His fingertips started going numb a while ago, so he must be here a while.

The snow has nothing on Yeonjun's car as it comes into view, the white flakes immediately melting into the sleek black, expensive lacquer of his Mustang. Soobin's heart makes a stupid little kick. He kicks it back for good measure.

"How long have you been out here, you dumb-ass?"

Those are the first words Yeonjun says to him when he rounds the car and pulls him in a crushing hug. Soobin doesn't even have it in him to retort with his usual banter, too busy holding back a sob. He's been on the verge of tears for days and Yeonjun's warmth might finally coax them out.

When he steps back, Yeonjun's hand rests on the seam where his neck is exposed below his beanie. He keeps him there, as if Soobin could disappear in front of him. His eyes leave hot tracks over Soobin's frozen face as they roam over him, searching.

"It's good to see you, Binnie."

"You too."

Yeonjun waits a beat. Maybe he wants Soobin to say more, but he can't. Eventually, Yeonjun takes his hand away.

"Let's go. Let's get you out of the cold."

When Soobin called Yeonjun in tears at 3 o'clock in the night after Christmas, he only needed to say "I'm having the worst week of my life. Can we hang out over the weekend?" for Yeonjun to drop everything and make time for him. "I know just the thing you need. I'm not going to tell you what we'll do, but pack your swimming trunks." When Soobin protested, he simply said "That's what best friends are for, Binnie."

Best friends.

Yeonjun's eyes flick over to Soobin in the passenger seat, his look charged with something meaningful Soobin can't place. Is it worry? Is it pity? Soobin curses himself, they are never this awkward and it's his fault.

"I'm sorry to hear about your job."

Oh right. He remembers telling Yeonjun the reason for his freak out was that he was laid off from his job. They broke the news the day before Christmas, of all days. It wasn't a total lie, he is without a job now. It's just not the whole truth.

"Thanks."

"But you know what? Good riddance. They underpaid you for how talented you are and for how much overwork they had you do." Yeonjun starts the car's engine, like he didn't say something that fills Soobin's chest with something so casually. "Have you eaten yet?"

Soobin thinks about his empty fridge he couldn't fill with left-over banchan.

"No, not yet."

"I packed gimbap, it's in the bag behind my chair."

"I'm not hungry."

There's that look again, just briefly.

"You should eat. Please, try?

But it's not the harsh, forceful tone he's used to from his mom, but soft, almost pleading. It makes him reach for the bag, slide a slice inside his mouth and chew. It doesn't taste like anything, but he does it. Yeonjun has a pleased little quirk to his lips, which makes it worth it.

He manages to eat three more slices before his eyelids grow heavy. The hum of the engine, the white environment around them and Yeonjun singing softly along to his playlist feel like a weighted blanket. Yeonjun's comforting presence, at least when he doesn't have that look to him, does the trick. He closes his eyes and drifts off into the first dreamless sleep he's had in days.

❆

Soobin blinks awake when Yeonjun slows down to a stop on an incline. For a blissful moment, he exists in a dazed state, rubbing his eyes and stretching to the best of his ability, all worries forgotten. He groans when he remembers.

"There you are." Yeonjun chuckles.

"How long was I out?"

"Three hours, almost."

"Oh. 'M sorry."

"Don't be." Yeonjun says, his joyful chuckle gone. "I'm glad you could catch some sleep. You look tired."

Look not looked. Present tense, not past tense, got it. It stings less through the fuzziness of sleep that still clings to Soobin's mind. Yeonjun pulls up when the red light turns green.

"Perfect timing. We're almost there."

The incline they're on is a mountain. They drive through an idyllic town until they turn right to go further up the hill. It's still snowing, the flurry of flakes even thicker than it was in the city, covering the pine trees around them. The branches sometimes sag under the weight until a heap of snow comes falling down onto the car roof, which makes Soobin jump and Yeonjun laugh.

When they round a corner, Soobin can see a grand wooden building appear through the fog. Or is it steam, rising up in tendrils from a plateau next to the building? It looks like a hotel for skiing, but this area is too woody to have slopes. It's all logs and balconies and hidden between the foliage. It's beautiful.

And it's apparently their destination. Yeonjun parks his car in front of it and has both of their bags in his hand before Soobin can beat him to it.

A big plaque above the entrance says Hotel & Spa Heure Bleu.

"What-" Soobin starts, bewildered. "A spa?"

"Surprise!" Yeonjun says with a sheepish smile. "When you called, I figured you might need some time to relax, far away from everything. A spa might be just what you need."

A surge of affection, wells up squeezes his windpipe shut. If he's not careful, a tear may slip out.

"Thanks hyung." Soobin chokes. Then, to lighten the mood, he says "are you sure you didn't book this trip for yourself?"

Yeonjun laughs puffs of hot breath out of his mouth.

"You got me there. But in my defence, I would book this for myself, I just think you wouldn't."

His best friend knows him so well, because he is right. Even when Soobin had his job, he never made time for things like this.

"At least let me take my own bag up."

"Aw, and here I thought I could flex my gentlemanly manners."

Soobin appreciates his attempt at lightening the mood more than he can say, even when he can't get himself to smile.

"You? Gentlemanly manners? Is there a doctor in this spa because I think you need to get your head checked out."

Yeonjun's hearty laugh is what manages to lift one of the corners of his mouth a tiny bit.

❆

It's an unexpected relief that Yeonjun handles everything. Soobin can conscientiously zone out during Yeonjun's exchange with the receptionist, simply watching as he smiles and charms his way through the encounter. At some point, Yeonjun makes the receptionist laugh. Soobin's stomach turns unpleasantly, so he looks away.

When they enter what is their room for the next two nights, there are two two-person beds. Yeonjun scratches the back of his neck, shifting his weight from one foot to the other a little awkwardly. Fuck, he hates it when he makes Yeonjun feel awkward.

"Thought you wouldn't be comfortable with one bed."

Soobin's heart jumps a little at that. It shows how much he cares. Yeonjun is so respectful, but how can he explain out of nowhere that he would, actually? How to say that he actually desperately wants to, without feeling too vulnerable?

"Thanks."

Is the best he can do, but it sounds way too lame to his own ears.

Soobin has always been chill with Yeonjun's bisexuality even since he came out to him in high school. It was no big deal, back then. He's never felt anything other than comfortable rooming with Yeonjun, even when they were on their post-graduation Japan road trip, before either of them earned enough money to book anything better than a one-bed hostel room (which even felt as a luxury at the time, compared to the group rooms).

But that was before he knew. Before the foundation of what he thought to be true about himself started crumbling down, almost a month ago. Before he allowed the thought of Yeonjun's proximity to release a flutter of nervous butterflies in his stomach. The problem was, once they got set free, he had no way of containing them, so they kept fluttering around with every unanswered text Yeonjun sent his way.

Those butterflies fluttered through his arm right now as he bumps into Yeonjun on his way to the bathroom to put his toiletries away. He mumbles an awkward "sorry" to make up for it, but he feels the tips of his ears heat up all the same.

❆

The convenient thing about staying at the hotel is that the elevator from their floor directly opens into the entrance hall of the spa. Before Soobin can start to feel self-conscious about only wearing swimming trunks under his bathrobe in the middle of winter, a employee beckons them eagerly forward towards the counter.

Once again, Yeonjun handles everything and Soobin zones out. He zones back in right around the time the clerk finishes talking through their schedule.

"… at the restaurant at 7pm and the final activity for today: a 60-minute couple's massage reservation at 9 pm."

Couple's massage? A hot flash of shock paralyses Soobin in place.

"About that," Yeonjun starts and Soobin doesn't know what to think comes next. "When I called to reserve, your colleague said it was also suited for friends and not just for romantic couples, correct?"

The employee's customer service mask breaks for a second as her eyes flit between Yeonjun and him, before giving Yeonjun the classic up-and down.

"Oh, yes of course. Many people book it to be sure that they maintain the same schedule."

With a soft whoosh, Soobin lets go of the breath he didn't know he was holding, though he doesn't know if he feels relieved or disappointed.

"Finally, we'd like to point out that from 5pm today, our nude evening hours start, which leads into the nude weekend, as indicated on our online calendar. We expect all our guests to adhere to our dress code."

Just like that, he feels his shoulders tense again has his windpipe squeezes his breath to a stop. The lady hands them their wristbands, which they use to pass the turnstile gated entrance to the spa.

"Sorry, I didn't check the calendar. I should have checked." Yeonjun frowns as he pulls him aside in front of the changing rooms. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Soobin says. "We used to shower together, hyung. No big deal."

Because it will be fine. He's seen Yeonjun's bare butt often enough in high school changing rooms. They even visited some onsens when they were in Japan. Which was 8 years ago. Not much has changed. Right?

Yeonjun claps him on the shoulder. The terry cloth of his bathrobe muffles the slap, but Soobin feels it like it hit his skin.

❆

After they use the showers to rinse off, Yeonjun shows him around the place. It becomes increasingly obvious that the spa's exclusive target group was rich people and rich people only. The interior looks like something straight from a magazine or Pinterest board, big dark stone tiles polished to shine against the rocky walls, that's clearly the actual mountain the spa was built on and not just styrofoam covered in resin. A small waterfall even falls down from a protrusion in the 'wall'. It looks perfect, even when the wintery sun doesn't peek out from the snow clouds. The pool beds are ergonomically built and made from wood that's oiled and fragrant when they pass them. The entire indoor space smells so nice too, a fresh bergamot paired with soothing lavender and rosemary.

There is just so much space, and so few people for the fact that it's in the days between Christmas and New Year's.

It also becomes increasingly obvious that Yeonjun has been here before, many times. He can list all the different types of saunas from the top of his head, from wood burned to eucalyptus infused steam ones and even en authentic Finnish smoke sauna. He shows him his favourite nook to rest that has a perfect view of the foggy mountainside. In the warm indoor thermal bath that is enriched with salt and minerals from the mountain stream, he drags Soobin into the quiet alcove that's seemingly private and away from view. Then, he pulls him into his favourite bubble bath of the five tubs in another corner of the indoor pool.

"That one has more powerful bubbles than the others, I swear."

Soobin can't really tell if it's more powerful than the others, but the bubbles certainly tickle.

They just got to the outside part of the tour, Soobin shivering in his now slightly damp bathrobe, when a clock strikes five. Everyone in the outside bath slowly makes their way up the shallow steps carved from the mountain rocks and towards the changing rooms to either leave or change out of their swimwear. Soobin looks at Yeonjun, who follows the crowd.

It's hard to hear Yeonjun over the sound of his heartbeat hammering in his veins when he leans in close, his warm hand on Soobin's arm.

"I gotta piss, so don't wait up and go ahead to the outside baths, Bin. When you round the bend, the furthest right pool is the warmest."

"Sure, hyung." Soobin says, neck feeling stiff when he nods.

Sure enough, there is no sight of Yeonjun when he's done depositing his wet swimming trunks in one of the lockers. It feels strange tracing his route back to the outside pools. It's the difference in income, he tells himself. His job paid well, but not well enough to book a place like this.

But really, he knows what makes him feel strange. His steps feel uncertain, knees wobbly and unbalanced, weighed down by what he came here for to forget. Without Yeonjun and his sunshine, the ghosts of the past week feel so real. Tears feel dangerously close to surfacing again.

The chilly outside breeze brings him back to the present. He rounds the bend, just like Yeonjun said and sees the pool he mentioned, empty for the moment. He has to claim it fast, so he shucks out of his bathrobe, hangs it up on the hanger next to a few other white bathrobes and quickly skids over the tiles to the furthest right pool, barely resisting the prudish urge to cover himself.

A deep groan dislodges from his chest when he sinks into the warm water. It's a little startling that it's him, so he looks around self-consciously, but luckily nobody is around him yet.

The water of the baths so warm and the air of the outside is so cold that tendrils of steam rise up from the surface, creating a slight fog sitting snugly atop the water. Soobin scans his surroundings and realises Yeonjun was right, this pool is the best. It's situated at the edge of the cliff, looking out to the woody expanse of a small valley. Snow still falls down from the sky, though in less thick flakes, coating the trees in white and aromatising the air with a thick balsam fir scent.

It's stunning and even though his life has never sucked more, Soobin can't believe how lucky he is.

At the end of his 360 degree scan, his eyes land on where he started: the now piling rack of bathrobes, and a person adding his own to the stack. He can't see him well through the fog, but from what he can see is that the guy's figure is pretty. Broad shoulders that taper to a tiny waist and a cute little ass and long long legs. Handsome and definitely attractive.

Before he can help it, the words that he's been trying to forget the past few days take over his mind.

Unnatural. A disgrace. Shouldn't be allowed his nephews. Disgusting.

Soobin clenches his jaw, closes his eyes and tries to force back the surge of anger and shame that seizes his stomach with all his might.

When he opens his eyes, the handsome figure has made his way over to him. The fog parts, revealing more of this person and Soobin's heart jolts.

It's Yeonjun. The guy he's checking out is Yeonjun. And the worst thing is, now he started looking, he can't possibly look away.

Yeonjun must have rinsed off under a shower after changing, because a few drops of water trickle down from his hair over his neck down his clavicle. Soobin follows one drop's path over his defined pecks, past Yeonjun's nipple that's a stiff bud from the cold air. The drop glides down over the bumps of his abs and disappears into… hair. Soobin sucks in a breath. Yeonjun has a happy trail of dark hair that leads down to a neatly trimmed patch of pubic hair and his—

In a reflex, he flicks his eyes back up to Yeonjun's face. His eyes are wide, but turn into a smirk when he catches Soobin's gaze. It goes straight to Soobin's dick.

Soobin bites his lip and looks away. Traitorous tendrils of arousal lick at his groin, stirring up familiar sensations he'd rather not feel right now. Can Yeonjun see? How thick is the steam? He turns around to face the edge of the pool, arms folded over the rim to shield his shame, but his ears are burning.

Yeonjun lowers himself down into the pool and also lets out a groan, so deep it makes Soobin's toes curl over the stone floor of the bath. He follows it up with a tiny whine as he gets settled by resting his head on the edge, eyes mercifully closed.

A sighed feels so good is the last nail in Soobin's coffin.

He doubles over, burying his burning face in his arms with a strained sigh. His body prickles, pointing clear arrows to where he needs attention. His dick arches against the wall of the pool as the image of Yeonjun's happy trail flashes in front of his eyelids. He knew Yeonjun has abs, he's an extremely successful model and dancer, so Soobin knew Yeonjun has abs. He's even seen them recently. It's hard not to, his Levi's campaign plastered all over the city's billboards, smiling at him when he waits at the bus stop.

His abs are not the surprising thing.

It's his pubic hair that his mind can't let go of. When Soobin thought about Yeonjun in his loneliest hours of the night, Soobin always pictured him being completely… bare. It's what he looks like in the Levi's photo shoot, and what Soobin is used to from the gay porn he dared to watch. In a need for change and not brave enough to dye his hair, he even took the razor to himself the other day. He figured that if people want to see him only for his sexuality, he should act and look like it, right? He thought that that's what men who are attracted to men do.

So seeing Yeonjun, his best friend who he's witnessed picking up guys left and right in the club, not fit that image and look so hot with it… It kind of rocks his world. It makes him feel breathless and annoyingly aroused. It makes Soobin feel a bit sick.

Yeonjun is his best friend.

What kind of sick fuck thinks about his best friend that way? Who uses his best friend for his own pleasure? Just because he happens to be the closest person that is also attracted to men?

They were right. It's disgusting, he is disgusting. There is no way he could ever tell him.

"You know… I was so glad you called."

Soobin blinks, swallows the tears that welled up down and lifts his head from the sanctuary of his arms. Yeonjun looks like the picture of relaxation: lounged back, elbows resting on either side of him. Only his expression wears a tiny frown as he tilts his head towards Soobin.

"When you didn't reply to my messages after your birthday, I… worried, Bin-ah. A lot. I'm so sorry about the reason why you called after Christmas, but I was so glad to hear from you." Yeonjun says, softly. "I care about you, you know? If something is on your mind, I wanna know. You can tell me things. Actually, please do."

Soobin's heart shatters in a million pieces which melt in a sour bath of guilt. He's damn well aware he's been ghosting Yeonjun and he isn't proud of it. But how could he explain to him that Yeonjun going home with a man he picked up at his Birthday party was the domino that lead to his life as he knew it falling apart?

For all the YouTube videos, all the books and podcasts that discuss turning thirty, Soobin was woefully unprepared for the existential crisis that came with it. A month or two before his birthday, he noticed himself turning inwards, thinking. How he shouldn't waste his time playing League of Legends like a teenager. How he should own a house by now, like his brother. How at this age, his sister was already married and pregnant with Dokyung. How hadn't achieved anything in his life, except for a Master rank in LoL, a job that burned him out, and a string of exes that complained about his 'attachment issues'.

When his birthday rolled around, it wasn't that he intended anything with Yeonjun, because he hadn't known. But seeing him getting wooed and picked up to the point of leaving together in front of his very eyes, unlocked such a fierce jealousy in him that kept him up that night. He was so unbelievably angry, first at Yeonjun, then tripled that force at himself for feeling that way.

It made him question everything he knew to be true. It was the loose thread of a sweater that he pulled on until he was left with nothing more than a pile of tangled strings and the harsh truth.

He was gay. Worse: he was gay and in love with his best friend.

He went to work, but couldn't concentrate. He couldn't sleep for so long, he started falling asleep at his desk. Apparently, he'd been on the list of people to lay off before all this happened, but it certainly didn't help.

How could he explain to Yeonjun that the guilt he felt when opening their kakaotalk had been too strong to overcome? That a simple "hey, how are you" sent him into a spiral he couldn't get out of? That he felt like a ticking time bomb wherever he went?

The now familiar sense of dread rises up Soobin's throat. He swallows it down, but it burns.

"I'm sorry I didn't reply." Soobin mumbles, meeting Yeonjun's kind gaze before looking away. He might cry otherwise. "Turning thirty kinda freaked me out, and I guess I got in my head about it."

It isn't a complete lie. Coming to some terms with his sexuality after his birthday just made the time he wasted feel even more painful. He felt like a failure. He couldn't even have a sexuality the right way.

"It's okay, Bin-ah." Yeonjun forgives so easily, too easily. "But I'm your hyung, remember? I know the crisis that comes with turning thirty too. You're not alone."

Soobin nods, even though it doesn't feel the same. Yeonjun's been out for years.

"You're right, hyung," he says anyway.

Yeonjun fixes him with a look. But Soobin can't make himself elaborate. It might be the most vulnerable he's ever felt — he's literally already butt naked with a semi-hard dick. If they keep this topic up, everything might come crashing down.

"Okay." Yeonjun concedes. "Just know you can lean on me, okay? Lean on hyung."

Soobin nods quickly before he buries his face back into his folded arms. He does his best to count his breathing, but a hot tear still slips past his lash line.

❆

It's 6:30 when they climb out of outside baths. Soobin lets Yeonjun go first, his boner has long since died down, but he doesn't want to chance it. The sudden cold breeze that hits him would be enough to shrivel any of those urges anyway. Still, he keeps his eyes on the trees while Yeonjun puts his bathrobe on.

"Where did you hang your robe?"

Soobin whips his head around.

"Hmm?"

Yeonjun gestures to the hanger. The empty hanger. Soobin frowns.

"Here, I hung it here."

Oh no. He looks around, but of course the person who took his bathrobe is long gone. A shiver hits him on a cold inhale and doesn't leave him on the exhale. He hugs his arms tight around his chest, but he's still very much naked and uncomfortable and rapidly wanting to disappear through the ground to die.

Panic rises his throat and twists it in a painful knot. The urge to cry is almost too powerful, so he looks up and blinks the tears away. Don't cry, don't you dare cry. Somehow, after everything that has happened this week, this feels like what is going to end his world.

"Take mine."

Yeonjun is already taking off his robe before Soobin can say anything.

"No, hyung—"

But Yeonjun can't be stopped, he drapes the robe over Soobin's shaking shoulders and knots the tie around his waist.

"You're shivering, Bin-ah." Yeonjun rubs his hands over Soobin's arms, before guiding him with one hand on his back towards the door. "I'll just ask for a new one at the desk, it's okay."

But even once inside, he can't stop his shivering. While they wait for the employee to get a new bathrobe from the back, Yeonjun casts him worried glances and keeps rubbing his hand over Soobin's shoulders. It feels so nice, but it also makes him teeter on the edge of breaking.

Only after Yeonjun puts him under the warm shower, his shaking stops. He still wants to shrivel up and die though. Especially when Yeonjun insists he takes his brand new and dry robe. He doesn't deserve it.

❆

Soobin doesn't remember much of going back to their hotel room, too focused on keeping himself together. He only remembers that Yeonjun stayed close the whole time, not letting go of his arm.

He changes in the bathroom. He expected to feel a lot better being dry and clothed, but he still avoids his reflection in the mirror.

Soobin's phone rings when Yeonjun is in the bathroom to dry his hair. He checks the caller ID and is right back at that edge. It's his older brother. He picks up anyway.

"Hyung."

"Soobin."

No greeting, no warmth. He shouldn't have expected anything different from his older brother, but it still stings. Soobin steels himself for what is to come.

His brother is silent, though. Soobin rolls his eyes. It's always like this with him, always making Soobin do the work, never giving anything for free.

"Why did you call?"

"I'm at eomma's and appa's."

His brother doesn't add anything else for a while. Typical. But he's done putting the effort in to only get scraps, so he stays silent.

"They're really upset, Soobin."

Something twists between his lungs and it hurts. His brother is great at leaving things unsaid, but years of training made Soobin hear the implication loud and clear: and it's your fault.

"Okay."

"You're okay with that?"

YES he wants to scream at the top of his lungs. Yes. No. Yes, because nobody seems concerned that Soobin is upset. No, because it's his family. But also yes. God, yes.

But over the years, Soobin learned it's no use arguing with his brother.

"Their expectations aren't fair, hyung."

Soobin hates how small he sounds.

"They just want their Soobinie back, Soobin-ah. Can't you just reconsider coming back home to talk it out with them?"

Soobin's inhale snags on the twist in his chest and suddenly the tears are back, welling up into his tear ducts and threatening to spill. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. He's not 5 years old anymore, despite how his older brother might see him. He turned thirty less than a month ago for fuck fuck's sake.

"Depends." Soobin musters all his strength to keep his voice steady. "Have they come to their senses yet?"

"Soobin-ah." His brother sighs, disappointed. "Don't be difficult."

The scoff is out of him before he can stop it. An anger so deep burns away his urge to cry.

"I'm not coming home until they changed their mind, hyung. You can tell them that." Soobin spits out. "And don't call me again unless you changed your mind too."

Then he slammed his thumb on the red button and hung up the call without another word. Adrenaline surges through his veins and he wants to run, but stays rooted at the spot. His hands grasped the edge of the bed, knuckles white while he sucked in a long inhale to calm down.

"Who was that? Are you okay?"

When Soobin whips his head around, Yeonjun is looking at him with a worried look, hairbrush in hand.

"My brother."

"Ah."

He knew Yeonjun would understand. His brother never liked Yeonjun and made it well known.

"I'm sorry, Bin-ah."

"Don't be."

Soobin waves his concern away. He can't dwell on his anger, or sadness or shame or guilt or anything else. He just can't. So he stands up instead.

"I'm hungry, shall we go down to eat?"

But Yeonjun's frown doesn't disappear like Soobin hoped. It only deepens. He opens his mouth to say something, but Soobin can't hear it, not right now, so he urges towards the door to put his shoes on. Yeonjun sighs.

"Yeah okay, give me a second."

❆

By the time they ordered their drinks, Yeonjun is still looking at him like he wants to say something: frowning and watching his every move like a hawk. It makes Soobin feel on edge, so he shifts around on the bench seat nervously, which makes him even more restless by being watched. He desperately tries to think of anything to say to distract Yeonjun, but nothing comes up. His mind is so loud, all he can really do is stare at the menu while his leg jumps and jumps and jumps.

"Good evening signors! Oh! Good to see you again, signor Choi. You went with the white wine as usual, I see?"

A high, accented masculine voice overrides his thoughts and finally makes him look up. The waiter is short and bald, but sports a goatee that is so long he gathered it at his chin with a tiny elastic band. And he clearly seems to know Yeonjun. Which confirms that Yeonjun has been here before. Enough times to be a regular.

The knot in Soobin's stomach freezes cold. Who else did he bring here?

Yeonjun's expression lights up. "Good to see you too Giovanni, you're still working during the holidays?"

"Ah, signor should know it's our busiest time!" Giovanni says with an extreme jovial air as he places the glass of wine on the table. "And then the beer must be for this signor?"

Soobin nods dumbly. He never expected to have an Italian waiter in this part of the country. It's so jarring that it stops his thoughts in their tracks.

"Wonderful, wonderful, have you decided on your choices on what to eat?"

Even though Soobin spent so long staring at the menu, he realises he has no idea what this restaurant offers.

Yeonjun answers and Giovanni seems amused, praising Yeonjun's choice into the heavens. Suddenly, the nasal voice and his theatrical geniality grates on Soobin's ears and he would like nothing more than to run away from the room.

Who did Yeonjun bring here before him?

It sounds too much like his birthday freak out, too much like pointless jealousy, because he can never have Yeonjun like tha—

"Have you also settled on a choice, Signor….?"

His shoulders lock when that aggressive cheerfulness is directed at him.

"Choi. And I'll have the same as Yeonjun."

"Excellent, both men of taste I see! It's always a pleasure having you here, Signor Choi. I will make sure the chef will make it extra delicious."

"Thank you, Giovanni." Yeonjun laughs.

And with that, the loud thoughts come flooding back in. He feels itchy, jealousy sticking his tongue to the roof of his mouth and he still wants to run away even as Giovanni speed walks out of sight over to the kitchen.

"That's Giovanni, he came here five years ago and apparently never left. His Korean is pretty good, don't you think?"

Soobin really can't care less about Giovanni and his Korean. Yeonjun has been coming here for at least five years. Who else did he bring here?

Soobin doesn't answer and is only vaguely aware of Yeonjun's happy smile turning worried. He opens his mouth to ask something else, when Soobin's phone dings with a notification.

"Shit, I forgot to turn the sound off. Sorry."

But as he logs into his phone, he doesn't turn the sound off. He watches how the messages keep coming and one by one pierce through him.

Noona

Soobin-ah [19:21]

I love you Soobin-ah

you know that right?

you will always be my little brother

no matter what

I miss you

will you come over soon? [19:22]

We can go to the park and walk Tori

She looked up when I said your name haha

['Noona' sent a photo]

It was a photo of Tori looking up at the camera with her brown eyes, cocking her head to the side ever so cutely. Soobin felt his heart clench at the sight.

Dokyung and Jihan also have something to say [19:23]

['Noona' sent a video]

Soobin taps on the video before he realises that they're in public.

The camera is aimed at Dokyung, playing with toy cars on the mat that has a print of roads and buildings and his younger brother, Jihan, who's completely engrossed by his wooden train track. Dokyung looks at his mother with curious eyes.

"Eomma why did you say something about uncle Soobin to Tori?"

Another clench to the heart. Dokyung is in his 'why' phase and it's Soobin's favourite thing to entertain him.

"Because I was taking a cute picture to send to him."

"Are you going to send this to him too?"

"Yes, I am, it's a video. Do you want to say something to him?"

Dokyung clutches the wooden toy car Soobin gave him for Christmas to his chest and practically runs over to Soobin's sister.

"Uncle Soobin! Come play with me? Jihan keeps the train to himself all the time and won't play cars with me, but you will play cars with me right? Like you did last time right? You can play with the blue one, this one is mine and it is red and can go sooooo fast! Vroom vroooommmmm!!!" Dokyung runs out of frame after his red car toy grasped in his tiny outstretched hand and Soobin's chest hurts.

His nephews, whom he loves so much. His dearest nephew, whose eyes light up at his name, so he must love him too. Who he feared he might be forbidden to ever see again for something so out of his control. A barrage of tears well up up up and Soobin tries to swallow them down down down—

"Is that Dokyung?"

Yeonjun's voice comes from the other side of the room even though he leans in close over the table.

"He's grown so big! I can't believe it, how old is he now? … Soobin? Are you okay?"

Soobin looks up and blinks, but his vision swims. He tries to inhale to say I'm fine, what are you talking about?, but it's stuttering its way to his lungs. The exhale rattles painfully in his chest on its way out.

"Oh Soobin. You're not okay at all, are you?"

It's Yeonjun's worried voice, Soobin realises too late. Suddenly, Yeonjun is next to him on the bench seat and presses something against his cheek. He touches his other cheek and his fingers come away wet. Oh. He couldn't stop it after all. He's crying.

He's crying. In public.

"Let's go back up to our room, yeah?" Yeonjun pulls the hood of Soobin's hoodie over his head. It's such a small thing, but Yeonjun remembered he'd rather die than cry in public and it's so painful he will never be able to have Yeonjun like he wants him and—

Yeonjun stands and pulls at his hand. He easily follows. He's got no strength left to fight.

"But, but we already ordered—" he splutters.

"Shh, don't you worry about that okay? I'll settle it with Giovanni. Actually—"

Yeonjun flags the waiter as they walk out of the restaurant. To Giovanni's credit, he's happy to cancel the order free of charge and wishes them well. Soobin angles away from the man, looks at his shoes and tries really hard to keep his wobbling lips from giving in. Just a little longer. But his thoughts have swirled around hard enough to become a hurricane raging through his head, chest and heart, ruining everything in its wake.

❆

The journey to their hotel room is a blur. One moment he's grasping the railing of the elevator to stay up, the next he's sitting on the edge of the bed of their hotel room. Yeonjun is there, taking off his shoes, then he's gone. Soobin's throat hurts as another sob rips through him. His pants are bunched up into his clenched fists as he just has to hold on. Just a little longer. He can't do this. He can't do this alone.

"Shh, Binnie, I'm here. I'm here."

Yeonjun's hushed tones reach him through the ringing in his ears. The bed dips next to him, and Soobin tips, falls and then Yeonjun is there. Yeonjun is all around him, strong arms holding him up, even though his shoulders shake as if they want to escape. There's an awful sound, a wail that rips through his soul. He belatedly realises it came from him.

"Oh Bin-ah."

Soobin doesn't really remember much of what happens next. He just remembers the hurt. The overwhelming, undeniable reality that it's all his fault comes crashing down, all at once. It seeps into his body, shocks his shoulders until they ache, pulls his muscles so taut he could snap. His eyes hurt, his throat hurts, everything hurts. His chest hurts so much as his painful hiccups die down.

Yeonjun holds him through it, holds him close to his chest and rocks him gently like he's a baby. He doesn't stop crying because he feels better. There's just nothing left to give.

Soft hands card through his bangs and press against his forehead. A water bottle appears in front of him, cap already screwed off. He drinks without having been told to, soothing the raw lining of his throat. He blows his nose in a tissue or five that appear next. Eventually, his staggering breaths calm down until they're far and in-between.

"Do you wanna tell me what's wrong, Soobin?" Yeonjun asks, gently. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Soobin really doesn't want to. But Yeonjun's shimmery eyes don't pose a question. They beg.

If he's ripping open the barely bandaged together remnants of his heart, he'd rather have Yeonjun be here than anyone else. Even when he will find out that Soobin lied and it's not about his job after all.

Soobin nods and takes a deep breath.

❆

It's not like the memories are far away in this mind, he just made a big wet stain on Yeonjun's shirt with the tears he'd shed about them. Still, it hurts to let the events play out in front of his mind's eye like a movie.

"I spent Christmas Day at my parents'." Soobin rasps.

Yeonjun dangles a new water bottle in front of him before he finishes clearing his throat. It's so thoughtful that tears spring up in the corners of his eyes and he hasn't even properly started yet.

They sat around the low table. The entire family made it: his parents, his older sister and her husband, his older brother and his wife and his aunt. His sister and her husband left with a sleeping Jihan and Dokyung, clutching their new toys to their chest, an hour or so ago. There were drinks. After a few, his brother stood up, chest puffed proud with an announcement.

"My brother's wife is pregnant."

The corner of Soobin's mouth quirks up in a weak smile. Yeonjun doesn't smile back. It would have been funny, if his announcement had not been the cause of everything that came after.

"I don't know if you remember my aunt, but she had something to say about it."

"Soobin-ah" his aunt drawled as she leaned over into his space. She smelled of the makgeolli she'd been drinking. "Next year it's you with happy news, hm?"

A shudder goes down Soobin's spine as he recalls the memory. The suggestion of meeting, marrying and knocking up some complete stranger within a year was enough to make his skin crawl before. But this time, knowing that this will never be in his future felt much, much worse. Like a disappointment

"Not even my aunt, but my mom too. I think she offered her neighbour's daughter's hand in marriage to me right then and there."

Yeonjun's expression turns grim. Even though he came out as bisexual to his family over a decade ago, they all seem to believe he'll end up married to a woman. It's not out of the question, but Yeonjun has ranted more than once that it feels like they only see that part of him, and not the completeness of his identity.

"He has to get a job first." His brother says over the rim of his glass.

Soobin froze in place. It wasn't a secret per se, he'd shared it in their siblings chat, but he'd rather have told his parents on his own terms.

"Soobin? Is it true?"

"My brother told them about me getting laid off."

"Of course he did." Yeonjun scoffs, disgust written in his scowl. Soobin flashes an imitation of a smile again, more earnest this time.

"And that…." Soobin sighs, bracing himself. "That made it all worse."

His father looked at him with a familiar disappointed expression. His mother scolded him "how is this possible". His brother look smug. But worst of all was his aunt.

"Didn't you turn thirty this month? It's high time to get married if you are, it's different for men, of course, but you're not getting any more handsome if you wait to marry any longer. Especially if you're without a job, no woman wants a guy without a well-paying job, not even a handsome one."

"How will I find a wife for you now, Soobin-ah?" His mother agreed. Soobin, frozen at the table, felt something simmering inside of him. Suddenly, the fuse of that ticking time bomb felt way too close to catching fire.

"For once… For once I told them that I don't want to marry. I actually said it."

The subsided feeling of panic rises up again Soobin swallows it down. His hands start to tremble anyway.

"It didn't change anything, of course. Nothing I said made them shut up and listen." His throat clenches his throat shut until his voice is high and airy. He's about to cry again, isn't he? "I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't stand it anymore. I had to make them listen. So I told them, I told them—"

His body was a furnace, burning the new, transparent glass bomb of his secret until it was opaque, glowing and scalding to the touch. He wasn't sure if he tried to stop the bomb from exploding. He didn't know if that was even possible.

Soobin opens his mouth to say it, but it doesn't come out. Yeonjun's caring eyes come into focus as he blinks his tears out of his vision. Yeonjun squeezes his arm, reassuringly, even though he has no idea what the secret is he's keeping from his best friend. His best friend that he's madly in love with.

"I—I'm gay" Soobin whispers.

Yeonjun's mouth falls open and his hand squeezes his arm tighter, but otherwise Soobin can't read his change in expression through the tears that well up in his eyes again. They sting at the overwrought, red rims of his eyes.

"I told them I'm gay, because— because I am."

"It's okay, Binnie. It's okay." Yeonjun mumbles into his hair as Soobin succumbs to a new wave of sobs. He pulls Soobin close against his chest again, stroking his heaving back. "It's okay."

It really isn't though? He desperately wants to accept what he can't change, but he cant deny that if he wasn't gay, this never would have happened. If he wasn't gay, his mom and dad still wanted to talk to him, would see him as their son and hold him close in their hearts.

Deafening silence. Disappointment made way for disgust. It was written in the faces across the table

"Soobin, don't say that. You can't be gay. You've had girlfriends before, you'll have them again."

"I am though, eomma."

"You can't know for certain."

"I do know, eomma."

"They— they said terrible things, Jun." Soobin manages to stutter between his sobs. "Terrible things."

"Shhh." Yeonjun whispered in his ear. "You don't have to repeat them."

But that doesn't stop the memory from playing out in front of him.

"I knew it." His brother announced with a sickening sort of pride. "It's because of Yeonjun you're this way. It's that dirty faggot's doing."

"He should not be allowed around his nephews." His aunt pleaded towards his parents. She didn't even dare to look at him anymore. "It's disgusting, think of the children."

Faggot. Unnatural. The disgrace of the family. Disgusting. Dangerous. Think of the children.

A shudder runs down his spine. The words that had played on an endless loop in his ears the past days ring in his ears, louder than before.

"I—I thought, I thought—"

He had known his parents were conservative, who wasn't in their generation? But he'd foolishly thought they loved him more than they hated people like him.

He had been wrong.

"Get out."

Soobin flinches at the memory of his father's first words to him, but Yeonjun's arms curl around him tighter. He keeps him steady as awful wails rip from his body. He keeps them safe in the crook of his neck that Soobin buries his face in. He offers his shirt for Soobin to soak his tears and curl his fingers into tight balls in.

Yeonjun is patient, carding his fingers through his hair until he calms down again.

"That's— that's when I—" Soobin hiccups. He leans back, out of the safety of Yeonjun's embrace and missing it immediately. "When I called you. I didn't know— didn't know what to do."

"You did the right thing, Soobin-ah." Yeonjun's voice is thick with the unshed tears shimmering in his own eyes. His fingers swipe over Soobin's wet cheeks and stay there, warm and sweaty on Soobin's face.

"I'm so glad you told me, but I'm so sorry. Oh my god Soobin, I'm so sorry." Yeonjun pulls him back into a hug and Soobin suspects is more for him than for Soobin this time. Still, he's not complaining. He would stay in Yeonjun's arms forever if he could.

"Whatever they told you, it's not true." He can feel Yeonjun's jaw tense against his head. "Listen to me, it's not. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a flaw. Your tendency to not talk about your feelings is, though."

Soobin, despite everything, huffs out a wet laugh. It doesn't deter Yeonjun.

"We'll make it a memory, just a memory. And then we'll make lots of better memories together this weekend to make up for what happened, okay?

Soobin nods. Yeonjun holds him tighter.

❆

They stay like this for a while. Even though everything feels raw, it's the most settled Soobin has felt in months. He knows it's wrong to want it. He knows Yeonjun's affection is friendly and nothing more. But Soobin doesn't have it in him to deny himself to indulge in the warmth Yeonjun offers so freely.

Eventually they separate, but not really. Soobin's hands stay clutched in the fabric of Yeonjun's T-shirt and Yeonjun doesn't make a move to make him let go.

Soobin's brain feels bruised, wrung out like a towel that was soaked until no water comes out. Everything feels so far away. If he were to lie down he'd fall asleep immediately.

"Can I ask you something?"

That's how he doesn't catch Yeonjun's change in demeanour before he asks. Immediately, Soobin is on high alert. Uncertainty doesn't suit Yeonjun. Yet, his voice is drenched in it.

"Yeah." Soobin sniffles.

"Why couldn't you tell me?" Yeonjun fiddles with the drawstrings of his pants in his lap. It's his nervous tell. "You've known me for years. I hope you know that, of all people, I would understand. I could have helped you, Bin-ah. I would have wanted to."

Yeonjun sounds hurt and it hurts.

"You didn't reply to my texts after your birthday. I can't help but think… did I do something wrong?"

Fresh tears prick behind his eyes. He messed up. He never meant to hurt Yeonjun but he did and he's about to mess it up even more.

"No. No, hyung, you did nothing wrong."

"Then why—"

This is it. Soobin sees that now. He can't lie to Yeonjun about this, not anymore. There's no way out.

"It's because of you, Yeonjun."

Yeonjun looks stricken, like he's finally about to cry himself. Soobin is such an idiot, why can't he think before he speaks?

"Fuck, that came out wrong. I mean. I realised because of… you."

Soobin relaxes his grip on Yeonjun's shirt just in case Yeonjun wants to run away after he's done talking. Soobin wouldn't blame him. He squeezes his eyes tight shut as if it would protect him from the inevitable blow-back from stripping his heart naked for Yeonjun to see.

"Turning thirty, made me think about… things. Then at my birthday party, you went home with someone. I didn't like it. And I realised I didn't like it because I think I wanted… that… to be… me."

Soobin sucks in a sharp, cool breath. His heart beats in his throat and he's putting everything on the line. He can't lose Yeonjun, not after losing everything else, but he can't lie either.

"I think I have feelings for you, Jjunie."

Soobin flinches and steels himself from the blow that he knows is coming. When he couldn't sleep at night the past few weeks, he wondered how his confession would go, if he ever dared to do it. He was sure Yeonjun would be gentle about it and that's what would break his heart the most. He'd prefer to be yelled at, cussed out or gone no-contact, cold turkey. To live with the knowledge that Yeonjun knows and doesn't feel the same, while still being his best friend… Soobin doesn't think he can survive that, he knows he can't.

No blow. Not… yet. Yeonjun says silent. Which is worse. He's just trying to formulate his reaction, to say the thing that would let Soobin down in the gentlest way.

Soobin can't stand it. His ears rush from the blood pumping through his veins when he cracks open one eye, then the other.

He was wrong. Yeonjun didn't look close to tears before. But he definitely does now. Eyes wide and glassy, rims red and threatening to spill. They meet his dead on, keep him pinned and feeling breathless.

"Can you say that again?"

Yeonjun's voice wobbles. He looks like he's in pain. The first tear rolls down his cheek. It's all Soobin's fault. He can't do this.

"You know, never mind what I said, I—"

"Just say it again, Soobin?" Yeonjun asks, but it doesn't feel like a question. "Please?"

Soobin swallows around the thick, scathingly hot glob of fear and opens his heart once more. Somehow, the second time feels worse, because he doesn't think, he knows.

"I have feelings for you, hyung."

Yeonjun's pained expression breaks into a smile with a choked laugh.

"You have no idea how long I've wished to hear those words."

What? Does that mean—?

"What?"

"I have feelings for you too, Soobin-ah." Yeonjun's smile takes over his entire face, eyes shaped into crescent moons that make his tears flow. He's so pretty, even when he's crying like this. "Since I was sixteen."

Sixteen? Soobin gasps, chokes.

"You did?"

Soobin digs his fingers into the fabric of Yeonjun's shirt again. It might rip, but he doesn't think Yeonjun would mind. Yeonjun's fingers are digging into his shoulders too as he nods.

"And… still?"

"Yes." Yeonjun rushes out. "I thought I gave up hope, but the feelings never went away. Not really."

Yeonjun looks at him like he's seeing him for the first time, eyes frantically going over his features. Soobin can feel it on his face, the burn where his eyes fall. Eyes, cheeks, nose, eyes again. Lips.

He wants. He wants everything, all at once. And Yeonjun wants him back.

A hoarse laugh bubbles up from his sore throat. Another follows and once he starts laughing, he can't stop. It's weird, even though he's having the worst week of his life, he suddenly feels so light, like he's going to float away. Is this what happiness feels like?

"You do?"

"Yes!" Yeonjun laughs too. "Do you?"

"Yes, Jjunie, yes."

"Don't play with me Bin-ah. If you don't mean it, you have to say it now."

Soobin can't stomach Yeonjun's fearful frown, not when there is no need to.

"I like you, Yeonjun, like like you. Probably have liked you for a long time, but I was just too dumb to notice."

Yeonjun tackles him in a such a fierce hug that Soobin topples backward on the bed with an oomph. Yeonjun doesn't let the air return to his lungs, crushing him with his weight and arms. Soobin really doesn't mind in the slightest.

"You are dumb, but it's not your fault."

It's Soobin's turn to absorb some of Yeonjun's tears into his shirt. He pets Yeonjun's hair during his alternating waves of giggles and sniffles and joins him. At some point, Yeonjun releases his death grip and rolls off of him.

Lying side by side, Soobin turns to face Yeonjun. His face is red. Red nose, red eyes, red cheeks. Red mouth, his puffy lips slightly parted.

"Soobin, can I kiss you?"

Soobin feels his ears heat up at the question.

"You can."

Soobin holds his breath as Yeonjun closes the gap that's been there between them since they met in their first year of high school.

He doesn't know what he expected to happen. He never imagined a happy ending for them. There aren't fireworks. It's just… Yeonjun. Familiar and safe, pressing his soft lips against his. Wait, his lips— they are as soft as he wondered they'd be. Soobin kisses him back and Yeonjun's soft soft lips give way.

Yeonjun pulls back, but Soobin doesn't let him get far, pulls Yeonjun in by the hands that cup his red cheeks and kisses him. And Yeonjun kisses back.

They're sweet, precious kisses. Long, drawn out pecks, really, but to Soobin, they're perfect. It's kind of hard to kiss when their noses are still snotty from crying, so they have to come up for air in between. It only makes Soobin more eager to dive back in.

Yeonjun's hand finds the back of his neck and scratches his blunt nails over his scalp. Soobin's stomach turns, pleasantly. Then, it rumbles.

Soobin wants to ignore it and keep going, but Yeonjun smiles. Fuck, he can actually feel Yeonjun smile against his mouth.

"You hungry?"

"No."

His stomach, the traitor, rumbles again. Yeonjun giggles.

"Come on, let's eat something." And when Soobin pouts, he adds "we have all weekend and believe me, kissing is way better when you're not on the verge of hangry."

"Am not."

Yeonjun just giggles again. Soobin doesn't retort any further, because he likes him and Yeonjun likes him back.

❆

Going back to the restaurant was not an option, because Soobin thought he'd combust if he'd have to interact with anyone, let alone Giovanni. Room service would take too long, because yeah, Yeonjun is right, he is on the verge of hangry. Yeonjun, however, is surprisingly prepared. He digs up two cup noodles from his bag and offers the leftover gimbap to Soobin to munch on while Yeonjun boils the water with their hotel room kettle.

They eat in silence, but it's nice. They sit a little closer to each other than they used to and Soobin notices every time their knees touch under the tiny table.

Yeonjun sits back against the headboard of one of the beds when Soobin is done brushing his teeth. He looks at him with a lazy smile, all hazy eyes Soobin has seen in more than one of Yeonjun's perfume ads. He's stunning. Soobin's heart skips a beat and almost stumbles over the empty floor. It's crazy to him that he's the one that Yeonjun looks at like that. That Yeonjun was holding back, all this time.

He stands next to the bed, uncertain. He doesn't know he's allowed to do.

"C'mere." Yeonjun pats the mattress next to him. Soobin sits down, but instead of sliding in back facing the board, he faces Yeonjun.

There's something he wants. He wants, so much. But he's so scared. Last time they kissed, it was so chaste, emotional and still damp from tears. The room feels different now that their eyes are dry and their minds are stable. The fuzzy edges sharpened. It's real.

He lets his eyes drop to Yeonjun's lips. He hears Yeonjun's breath hitch. He decides to be brave.

"Can I kiss you again?"

Yeonjun's face lights up. Soobin smiles. Despite everything, Yeonjun makes it easy to smile.

"Yes."

Yeonjun sits up and meets him halfway. Fingertips gently card his bangs out of his eyes. Soobin's hands find Yeonjun's shoulders. He feels solid and stable and real. The shimmer of nerves? Excitement? Tingles under his skin as hot puffs of air caress his cheek and Yeonjun is so close. So close until he can't be any closer.

Yeonjun's lips are just as soft and careful as before. At least, at first. After the the first few pecks, Yeonjun kisses his bottom lip and licks it. Soobin gasps. His tongue feels so hot and wet that it stuns him for a moment.

Soobin blinks his eyes open to see that lazy, feline smile again, like he's a cat that got the cream. He looks so pleased. Soobin stomach swoops.

"Okay?"

Soobin nods, frantically grabbing at Yeonjun's side to get him back again.

"Again."

Yeonjun doesn't ask any more questions after that. Soobin doesn't let him, kissing him back too eagerly for there to be any question if it's okay. Yeonjun swipes his tongue over his bottom lip again and this time, Soobin is prepared. He opens his mouth and meets Yeonjun's tongue with his own. And once they do, they hardly break apart.

They make out for Soobin doesn't know how long. Yeonjun, Soobin learns, is a very good kisser. He knows exactly how hard to nip to get a gasp, when to switch it up with a suck on his tongue and Soobin can't get enough of it. A lovely, familiar tension builds up from Yeonjun's touch until he thrums with it. Soobin almost turns into putty under his care. Almost.

Soobin also wants to hear Yeonjun make those sounds, so he channels his own skills and kisses back. Curls his tongue behind Yeonjun's teeth and slides his tongue against Yeonjun's just so. Yeonjun gasps. Bingo. Soobin smiles triumphantly against his lips and nips at the pillowy skin of his bottom lipas he lets his hand roam through Yeonjun's hair and—

"Mhm, mhm!" Yeonjun buzzes against his tongue and pulls back. An undignified whine escapes him. He was just getting into it.

"Why—"

"Maybe we should slow down."

Yeonjun is panting, hair dishevelled and his lips even plumper from kissing and it's Soobin's doing. He seemed to enjoy it and Soobin is definitely enjoying it, so why—?

"Why?"

Goosebumps bud up on his arm as Yeonjun's hand slips down to hold his hand.

"It's been quite a day, a few days for you even, with lots of emotions. You fell asleep like a rock in the car and you still look exhausted."

Soobin bristles, but the look in Yeonjun's eyes softens him.

"I just don't wanna overwhelm you. Is this your first… anything with a man?"

Soobin's ears go beet red.

"Yeah."

Yeonjun doesn't laugh at him, though. He just squeezes his hand.

"It's a lot and we don't have to do anything, you know that right? Not unless you're comfortable and ready for it."

Yeonjun cares. Yeonjun cares so much about him that he guards Soobin's boundaries better than he does. It hits him like a truck. New tears prick behind his eyes and his inhale shakes again. Fuck, he's still a mess. Yeonjun has a point and he hates it.

"Okay."

Yeonjun squeezes his hand again, then leaves another trail of goosebumps on his way back up to cup his cheek.

"How about I give you a massage, hmm? We missed the one on the schedule and I'm no professional, but I promise I'll do my best."

Stress shoots up his spine, agitated like a poked hornet's nest. They missed their appointment because of his mental breakdown? This place is expensive, it must have cost Yeonjun so much for two massage therapists to go to waste because he had to cry so badly that—

"Hey, hey, Soobin-ah?"

Soobin yelps when Yeonjun pinches his earlobe.

"Don't worry about it, yeah? Your health is the most important here." Smooth fingertips rub the pain out of his earlobe. "And to be honest I uh- kinda prefer massaging you myself now everything is in the open. You'll figure out I'm the jealous kind."

Soobin chuckles softly at Yeonjun's cheeky grin.

"Alright. How do you want me, hyung?"

"Missionary, doggy, cowgirl, 69, spooning—"

Soobin chokes on his next inhale. He's seen Yeonjun flirt with his conquests, has been flirted with like this, decades ago when Yeonjun was testing the waters. It's different now, being a willing target. It burns.

"Sorry," Yeonjun's grin falls. "Was that too explicit? Fuck, I said I'd wait until you're comfortable but here I go—"

"No, hyung! It's fine, don't worry. It's- uh-" Heat radiates from his cheeks. "Good to know. I'll-uh. Remember that."

The nervous pull of Yeonjun's brows is gone when Soobin lifts his eyes. Instead, he's back to that flirty grin that he wears so well.

"Oh, will you now?" Yeonjun wiggles his eyebrows. Soobin rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are still burning.

"Shut up."

❆

In the end, Yeonjun wants Soobin dressed down to his boxers and to make himself comfortable on his stomach on the bed. Soobin complies, but not without even more blushing when he catches Yeonjun sneaking a glance. One look down and it's clear his flush crept down to his chest. He's grateful to hide it with the duvet cover as he lowers himself onto his front.

Glass vials clink together as they're set on the bedside table.

"Pick one: lavender, bergamot or cedar wood?"

"Uh, cedarwood?"

"Perfect." Yeonjun sounds pleased as the mattress dips on either side of Soobin. "That's my favourite."

Soobin is momentarily distracted by Yeonjun settling his weight right on top of his butt, knees straddled on either side of his waist. Underneath Yeonjun, his hips dip into the mattress and it does something funny to his insides. Suddenly, his skin feels statically charged, ready to zap at any contact.

The weight shifts as Yeonjun gets one of the vials and with it, Soobin's ability to think returns. With it, something unfunny returns to the forefront to his mind.

His favourite.

"How often do you come here?"

He sounds pouty because he is pouting. Can't even blame the pillow he smushed his head in. Just how many times did Yeonjun get, or worse give, a massage that he has a favourite scent?

"A couple of times a year."

That doesn't answer his underlying question and given Yeonjun's chuckle, he's well aware.

"With whom?"

"Why, are you also the jealous type, Bin-ah?"

Yeonjun sits back on top of Soobin's butt and trails a line down Soobin's back with a warm, slick fingertip carving a line through the static. It makes him shiver, top to bottom. He hopes he never gets used to the force of Yeonjun's flirting. When he buries his face further into the pillows, Yeonjun only laughs harder.

"I take my mom here whenever I can."

The finger trailing stops and Yeonjun's weight on top of him tilts. Soobin holds his breath.

"I don't bring just anyone here, Binnie."

A whisper, right into his ear, sealed with a kiss behind it. To his mortification, an embarrassing whimper tumbles out of his mouth. Luckily it's muffled by the filling of the pillow.

"What was that?"

As retaliation, Soobin lifts his hips and throws his ass back. Yeonjun hollers in surprise.

"Are you—" Soobin clears the hoarseness out of his throat. "Are you going to get to it or what?"

"Okay, impatient. It's good that you're cute."

Yeonjun's flirting is like a stone and Soobin is still water, the effects ripple and ripple and ripple until the tips of his hair and his littlest toe are bounce back with warmth fuzziness. Thankfully, Yeonjun does get to work, rubbing warm oil into his skin with the palms of his hands, warming him up.

It feels safe enough to leave the safety of the pillows and rest his head on one cheek. Also, he likes to not suffocate to death when Yeonjun is here and he said that Soobin is cute.

Yeonjun must have picked up massage skills at some point in his life, because there's no way he's this good for a first time. A wave of jealousy threatens to rise up, but Yeonjun's thumbs tame it down. Why feel jealous when he's reaping the benefits?

And wow, he is reaping. Somehow Yeonjun finds all his sore spots, muscles he didn't even knew he had that ache. It feels good in a masochistic kind of way, and yet, he still tenses up whenever Yeonjun digs his thumbs deeper.

"Relax, Bin-ah. Breathe."

Soobin does as he's told. His breath whooshes out, taking the tension in his muscles with it.

He relaxes, but instead of getting sleepy like he expected, he's starting to feel.

"Good. You're doing great."

Ah. Soobin understands why he was holding on to that tension, because without it, Yeonjun's praise tickles something familiar in his lower belly, stirring it awake.

His breath comes out so easily now that his guard is down. Every forceful swipe of Yeonjun's deft hands over his back draw tiny gasps out of him. A particularly painful spot make him bite down on his lower lip with a groan.

"You're so tight, Binnie."

And when Yeonjun says it like that, when his fingers are slick and warm like that and it hurts like that, it's not so hard to imagine other reasons for Yeonjun to say those exact words. He imagined it before, in the private of his dark room at 2 AM, what it would be like to have Yeonjun inside of him. He needed two bottles of soju before allowing the thought to blossom, because it felt way more gay. Gayer than imagining himself doing the fucking, somehow.

He would be tight. Apart from that one time he decided to be adventurous with himself in the shower using shower gel, he never had something up his ass. It didn't feel great, back then, but he couldn't help but wonder. Now it feels the closest to becoming reality than ever before.

His lower lip slips out of his hold and the next prod at his neck releases a deep moan into the room.

"Oh?" Yeonjun giggles, high and slightly breathless. "You like pain?"

Soobin squeezes his eyes shut and melts. He gives in, lets the next glide of Yeonjun's palms stoke that undeniable fire in his stomach. Soft sounds spill over his lips, unbidden as he feels his dick grow from a semi to full hardness against the mattress. It's uncomfortable, so he shifts his hips a tiny bit.

Oh.

The unmistakable shape of a hard cock brushes against the swell of his ass. Soobin's heart rate jumps. Yeonjun isn't unaffected either, a guilty moan even joins his own. Soobin does it again, Yeonjun muffles his sounds this time.

He keeps his squirming to a minimal for a while, but his head is spinning. There's only Yeonjun's warm, forceful touch trailing down his back, his own erection painfully arching into the mattress and the undeniable shape of Yeonjun's length, resting right between his ass cheeks.

It gets pressed closer as Yeonjun moves down and off his ass. Soobin gasps, expects the massaging to continue on his butt, but Yeonjun ignores it and targets his hamstrings instead.

Forget keeping his squirming back. Soobin writhes in frustration, grinding his cock into the bed, but it's not enough. He wants—

"Hyung— I can feel your boner, let's just—" he rasps and manages to turn on his back. "Do something. I'm ready. I want it. Come on."

Yeonjun looks down at him, really looks. He makes Soobin's skin shiver wherever his eyes land, his flushed chest, his rosy nipples, his tenting boxers complete with a wet spot. Yeonjun's eyes widen as he sucks in a breath at the sight of Soobin's dick give a little twitch under his scrutiny. It takes a while before Yeonjun responds.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Let's do it, make new memories and all that."

"Okay." Yeonjun pushes his fingers through his hair and in Soobin's eyes, he's never looked sexier than this: blush high on his cheekbones, plush lips parted and looking totally flustered. "Okay. We'll go at your pace. What do you want?"

"I want-"

Soobin wants alright. But what does he want? In those desperate nights, he thought this over again and again and again until he inevitably beat himself up over it. It's overwhelming now, Yeonjun bracketing his legs like this, looking down at him.

"Take it off." He ghosts his hand over the hem of Yeonjun's tank top, not quite touching. "Take it off."

It's a command, but his tone is way too frail to pack a punch. Nevertheless, Yeonjun obliges, revealing himself in his shirtless glory. Yeonjun somehow makes it look so sultry, smirking as he does it. An echo of a dissonant chord sounds in Soobin's mind and suddenly, he can't meet Yeonjun's gaze so he looks away.

Disgusting. Unnatural. Dangerous.

"Hey, Soobin." Yeonjun's soft voice and softer hand cup his cheek. "It's okay. You can look."

Yeonjun guides his face so he faces him again. Soobin doesn't resist.

"I want you to look, actually."

He didn't know he needed it, but it's the first time he's gotten permission. Yeonjun allows him. He says it's okay. His eyes say the same, a soundless reassurance.

Maybe he's right. Maybe his family is wrong.

His breath shakes as he really allows himself to simply look.

They only turned on the bedside lamps, but Yeonjun's honey skin comes out well in the warm-toned light. Not that he'd look bad in any lighting, Soobin thinks, but this suits him. His collarbones cast shadows, showing dips of skin that Soobin wants to kiss. His chest. Soobin has to take a deep breath and sees Yeonjun's chest rise and fall as he does the same. Soobin wants to grab his pecks, feel the muscle under his palms and squeeze. The buds of his nipples would feel so good in the groove of his fingers. What kinds of sounds would Yeonjun make if he'd flick his thumb over them? He trails his eyes lower over his stomach. They just ate, so Yeonjun's individual abs aren't really distinguishable anymore, but even without them, he's gorgeous. Soobin bites his lower lip as he dares to look even lower, to what had almost been his undoing earlier that day. The dark curls of Yeonjun's happy trail. How would it feel under his touch? It looks so inviting, leading him down to what sends prickles up his neck just thinking about. Yeonjun is still wearing his boxer shorts, but his bulge is undeniable. This is where the bedside lamps fail him, hiding the details in the shadows of Yeonjun's thighs. Still, Soobin has to snap his mouth shut and gulp his drool down before it spills over the corners of his mouth. He's so unbelievably pretty.

Soobin wants.

When he looks up at Yeonjun's face again, his eyes are darkened by hunger and creased with a smirk.

"Like what you see?"

It's too much and Soobin's eyes flutter shut for a moment.

"Y-Yeah."

"What else do you want, baby?"

Baby. He opens his eyes again because he wants.

"Wanna— Wanna touch you, hyung."

Yeonjun's chest ripples as his breath hitches in his throat.

"You can."

This time, just getting permission isn't enough. He chastises himself as he raises a trembling hand, reaching, but not brave enough to close the distance. Why is it so hard for him? It shouldn't be. He was brave before. His attraction to men, to Yeonjun, is nothing to be ashamed of. What's so bad about indulging?

"It's okay. Take it slow, there's no hurry. "

Of course, Yeonjun sees right through his overthinking. His warm palms stop Soobin's trembling as they curl around his hand and guide it. Soobin sucks in a breath as his fingers touch the honey warm skin of Yeonjun's torso. He's sandwiched, snug between Yeonjun's hand and his chest, right over the place where his heart is. Soobin can feel it beat under his palm. It beats fast.

Yeonjun leads his hand to his other pec. His eyes flick between their hands and Soobin's face as if to check in on him. Whatever he sees makes his lips quirk.

Next, he brings Soobin's fingers down to his nipple and bites on his lower lip at the contact with a soft sound. It's enough to embolden Soobin, because Soobin wants. He wants to hear it again. He lightly pinches the perking bud of his nipple, and this time Yeonjun throws his head back with a sigh.

Eventually, Yeonjun's hand over his goes slack as Soobin gains confidence. While his other hand is only brave enough to hold Yeonjun's waist, the other explores: he traces the divot of his clavicles, tests the give of his pecs, flicks his nipples. Sighs, a tiny whine and a thick moan fall from Yeonjun's lips. Soobin grunts softly when he finally traces over the hair on Yeonjun's abdomen. It's coarser than he thought.

Yeonjun's thighs, which have held him up hovering over Soobin's pelvis, up to this point give out as he lets his thumbs trace the V of his hips and dip under the waistband of his underwear. Their dicks crash together, a muffled impact through the two layers of fabric, but it shakes his simmering arousal awake.

"I want— wanna try something." He says, voice hoarse and thick.

"Whatever you want Soobin." Yeonjun breathes, though he sounds breathless.

Yeonjun lies down on his back upon Soobin's request. He lets his hands skim down his upper body quickly on his way down. Really, he's not bored of touching Yeonjun's chest, but he has a goal in mind. He hooks his fingers under his waistband again.

"Can I?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." Yeonjun rushes out.

Soobin matches his eagerness as he eases off his boxers. He almost forgets to pull it off one of Yeonjun's legs completely as his dick springs free. It's just as pretty as the rest of him, tall and slim and flushed.

Something in Soobin's chest swells. It's his ego. He is the one that made Yeonjun feel this way. He is who Yeonjun is hard and leaking precum for right now. He expects Yeonjun to make a quip, be smirking up a storm, but Yeonjun looks down at him with such fondness that it makes him feel a bit shy.

The precum that smeared over his tip makes him glisten in the low light, looking so inviting that it makes his mouth water. He's a bit nervous, but right now his want overrides any other thought. And what he wants is right in front of him.

He really wanted this, wanted to take Yeonjun into his mouth, but now he's here doesn't really know what to do. He gives the ridge between Yeonjun's tip and foreskin an insecure lick. Yeonjun hisses above him, so he does it again, but latches his lips on in a kiss as well. He kisses up and down the length of Yeonjun's dick, leaving kitten licks whenever Yeonjun makes a particularly good sound.

Still, he feels at a loss. Sure, He's had his cock sucked before but being the one doing is another thing entirely. Where do his hands go? And what does he do with his teeth? He takes the tip carefully into his mouth, it rests on his tongue but his upper teeth feel like a hazard as he tries to hollow his cheeks to suck. It doesn't quite work, the tip just gets covered in drool that dribbles down his length.

He's making such a mess, it's embarrassing. But Yeonjun started to moan and hasn't stopped yet, so he must be doing something right.

So he does it again, rubs Yeonjun's tip on his tongue and moans when a new taste hits his tongue. It's salty and bitter and must be precum. He can't say it tastes great, but he's also too turned on to care. Not when Yeonjun's moans turned into high whimpers that make his own dick jump.

He thinks he just got the hang of it when Yeonjun's fingers thread in his hair and pull him off.

"But—"

Yeonjun silences him with a kiss. It's the filthiest yet, all tongue as if Yeonjun wants to taste himself. It's so hot that Soobin grunts, which Yeonjun also silences with his mouth. He pouts when the kiss calmed down a bit.

"I wasn't done yet."

"I would have been done if you continued."

Soobin smirks, smugness himself.

"That good, huh?"

Maybe he's a dick sucking prodigy. His ego does a little dance, but stops dancing when Yeonjun stays silent.

"But you almost came!" Soobin whines. "That counts for something, right?"

"It was because you're so cute." Yeonjun coos. "And because, was this the first time you ever sucked dick?"

Yeonjun's eyes darken as Soobin nods.

"That's so hot, oh my god."

Soobin huffs, irritated. His inexperience isn't hot, it's humiliating. Next time, when his virginity shine wears off, it won't be as hot. Soobin has to improve somehow. Yeonjun cards his sweaty bangs out of his face, eyes creased in a smile.

"You suck dick like you eat pussy: all licks and kisses. You can't expect to be an expert on the first try, I bet you weren't an expert in eating your girlfriends out when you first tried?"

Yeonjun's face falls in concern when Soobin battles too long with his pride. "Please tell me you gave oral to your ex girlfriends."

"Of course I did! I'm not an asshole!" Soobin scoffs, feeling a bit defensive. "You wouldn't be able to tell that my technique is like… that if I didn't."

"You're right, you're right." Yeonjun laughs. "I don't doubt you, not with those lips."

What is that supposed to mean? Yeonjun plays the strings of his mood so well, because he's back to blushing profusely.

"But uh— Like, how can I—" This is embarrassing. And why does his dick twitch in his pants from it? "I didn't want to bite you…"

If he thought he'd seen Yeonjun smirk before, Soobin was wrong. The most devastating smirk appears on Yeonjun's face. He looks like a panther, ready to pounce.

"I could teach you how to do it?"

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Soobin can see how his inexperience can be hot, now that he is on the other end of it. He nods.

They switch positions again. But being on his back, without their familiar bickering, things seemed a lot more real all of a sudden. He looks down his own sprawled out body, dick still trapped and arching in his underwear as Yeonjun looks up at him from between his legs.

"Can I touch you?"

Soobin nods again, throat suddenly thick.

"Can you say that out loud for me?"

"Y-yes" he chokes.

"Good boy."

A sound escapes him before he knows it. Feeling caught, Soobin's eyes go wide. Yeonjun just chuckles.

"I knew it."

Soobin is about to ask "what?" very indignantly, if Yeonjun didn't latch his mouth onto his nipple right that moment. His eyes fall closed automatically as Yeonjun peppers kisses down his upper body, sighing into the kisses and squirming at the gentle nips he leaves behind. There's something else steadily building and it's not his arousal (though that is definitely present).

With his female partners, it was clear what they expected from him. Or rather, what Soobin thought they expected from him. He preferred to touch rather than be touched. He was rarely on his back, recipient of this much affection. He never opened up enough.

It's overwhelming to do so now. Sensations flood his nervous system and Yeonjun still hasn't touched his dick yet. He feels close to crying from Yeonjun's kisses alone. He never cries during sex, let alone foreplay.

"Please—" He gasps, desperate. Yeonjun is ghosting his mouth over his clothed cock, fingers caressing his inner thighs, like a fucking tease. "Please, hyung."

Yeonjun, thankfully, takes mercy on him. Soobin sighs in relief as his length springs free, and yet Yeonjun is not doing anything. He blinks open his eyes to see Yeonjun staring. He opens his mouth a few times to say something, but no words come out.

"Soobin…" Yeonjun eventually says as he finally takes him into his hand. It sends a shiver down his spine. "You're so… Did you grow since the last time I had a good look at you? Didn't want to say anything earlier, but I didn't take you as a shaver, honestly."

He can't believe Yeonjun just said that. Heat spreads all over and even a drop of precum beads at his tip as they both watch. It's too much, so he buries his face in his hands.

"Eyes on me."

Soobin lowers his hands, but not without a little whine. Yeonjun is hovering over his lower stomach, fingers idly trailing down his shaven skin, raising goosebumps on his way down to his aching cock.

"You want to learn, right? Keep your eyes on me."

Soobin nods and fights the urge to throw his head back when Yeonjun's fingers curl around the base of his length.

"Keep your hands low, keep it steady—"

Soobin didn't expect Yeonjun to talk him through it, to actually teach him. A tickling feeling he remembers from when Yeonjun tutored him in history during high school scrambles the wires connected to his dick. He's really been in love with Yeonjun since forever.

"Remember the duck lips trend? Yeah, that came from gay culture, because it keeps your teeth out of the way while sucking." Yeonjun purses his lips in a demonstration. He looks so much like a duckling like that and it would be cute if Yeonjun's face was not so close to his dick and if Soobin wasn't this hard.

"You're good at pouting, so it shouldn't be a problem for you."

"Hyung!" Soobin scoffs, bristled. "Ah-!"

That's when Yeonjun's pursed lips touch his tip. His tongue swipes over his slit, wet and hot hot hot. Soobin gasps, groans as those lips sink lower until wet heat is all around him. He whimpers as his tip grazes the ridged roof of his mouth.

It's amazing, Soobin thinks distractedly between whimpers, that he can't feel Yeonjun's teeth, not even once. While he silently promised to not look away, he finds that he can't. Yeonjun seems in his element, eyes closed as he hollows his cheeks, meeting his gaze through half-closed eyes on his drag up.

It hits him then: Yeonjun's done this before. He knows he's good at it and he knows how good he looks while doing it. It's so sexy, it's dizzying. It zaps down his spine to his groin like a lightning bolt. Soobin never felt more aroused in his life.

Yeonjun is on his way to swallowing him whole, inching down bit by bit, but Soobin won't see how far he can go, not today. He's way too close already.

"Mhm-hmm! Yeonjun, 'M—"

This never happened to him before. He never fit the stereotype of the horny teenager, jacking off fifteen times a day because he just couldn't stop it coming. With his ex-girlfriends it took him ages to come. In some ways it worked in his favour, but he is totally unprepared for it now. They just started and Soobin already has his hand at the nape of Yeonjun's neck, urging him up

Yeonjun licks up his shaft as he pulls off. Soobin grits his teeth together to keep from coming.

"That good, huh?"

Soobin doesn't even have it in him to roll his eyes, he just pulls Yeonjun in a kiss, open-mouthed and messy tasting himself on Yeonjun's tongue and trying really hard to. Keep. From. Coming.

"I'm not—" He pants as they break apart in the urge to defend himself. "Normally it takes longer."

"Hey, I'm not complaining." Yeonjun smirks, eyebrows wiggling, foxy as hell. "I'm flattered, actually. You're giving me all your firsts."

"Didn't take you for someone with a virginity kink."

"Normally I'm not." Yeonjun teases. "Seems like we're both discovering new things about ourselves."

Soobin laughs, still breathless. Fuck, Yeonjun is so attractive and sexy and funny and Soobin would really like to come soon.

"So." Soobin lowers his eyes to both of their hard dicks, Soobin's steadily weeping precum. "What now?"

"I have an idea. Give me your hand."

Yeonjun moves closer until their dicks brush, takes Soobin's offered hand and wraps it around the both of them. His hand is so big his thumb and middle finger almost touch, but even if they didn't, Yeonjun covers what he can't. Yeonjun's hand squeezes, tightening them together until the ridge of Yeonjun's glans rubs against his.

"Move like this."

Yeonjun thrusts up in their entwined hands. It's a bit dry, but not too bad. It's mostly just really fucking hot feeling Yeonjun move against him, seeing the tip of his cock peek out, glistening more with every thrust, smoothing the glide.

Soobin rocks his hips up and fuck. Yeonjun echoes his grunt. It's just their hands, but it feels better than he can remember sex ever feeling. He picks up the pace until he matches Yeonjun's rhythm.

"That's it Binnie."

Binnie. A deep current of fondness that must be love wells up in him. Yeonjun, still hovering above him, eyes sparkling and bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead, calling him Binnie like he always has. He's so in love with him. His best friend. Lucky for him, his best friend loves him back.

Yeonjun's as it turns out, is a bit of a yapper when he gets close, telling him in broken gasps and "mmh, tighter" and "yeah like that" and "that's good, feel so good", praises falling freely from those pillowy lips Soobin can't look away from. Even if he wanted to, Soobin can't shut his mouth, answering in gasps and whimpers and whines that sound so desperate, so foreign to his ears. He almost can't believe it's him making those sounds. He used to be silent.

"Yeon- ah, jun— Jjunie—"

He's close just as quickly as the last time, can feel his abs contract to stop the inevitable. But Yeonjun's length hard and slick against him, their ring of hands so tight and warm. He looks from Yeonjun's lips back up to the eyes that never left his with a question in them.

"Hyung I'm— 'M—"

"Me— me too, Bin-a-ah."

Soobin comes first. A broken cry, a big shudder and Yeonjun, right here with him. The first shot of cum lands high on his chest, followed by a second, a third. He's unable to keep quiet, moaning high strung-out sounds with every wave. It's the first time his orgasm is like this, leaving him shaking and feeling light-headed and totally transparent. He's transparent under Yeonjun's gaze, an open book for him to read. To be seen is to be loved and Yeonjun never looks away.

He starts to squirm when the stimulation becomes too much. Yeonjun lets go of them, but Soobin won't have it. He has to see Yeonjun come undone above him. He curls his fingers around Yeonjun's shaft, pulls a whimper out of him that sounds like music to his ears.

Yeonjun falls forward, braces himself on shaking elbows on either side of Soobin when he comes. Soobin watches his lips fall open in a triangle, wants to kiss them, but that would steal the view from him. Yeonjun's fluttering eyelashes, the sweat that rolls down his temples onto Soobin's forehead, the frown between his brows smoothed out.

Yeonjun's come joins his own on his chest, painting him white and Soobin loves loves loves it. He imagined it feeling dirty, but in reality, he loves whatever Yeonjun will give him; whatever will make him Yeonjun's.

There's more he wants to witness on Yeonjun's face, but Yeonjun kisses him then. It's surprisingly sweet, all urgency siphoned away. Soobin can't get enough, lets his sticky hands roam over Yeonjun's back until he's pressed flush against him, their come smeared between them. Soobin leans in and in, wouldn't mind melding together like this, attached lips to limbs.

A bone-deep exhaustion starts to weigh him down like a blanket. He yawns, Yeonjun giggles.

"Am I boring you?"

"Yes."

Yeonjun's weight dips low as he peels himself up from Soobin's chest. His very very dirty and sticky chest.

"You didn't sound bored."

Yeonjun says with a smirk that he can't believe is aimed at him. Soobin opens his mouth to answer, but his body answers for him with another yawn.

"Come on, let's get cleaned up."

Soobin wants to protest — getting up really sounds like the worst idea right now — but is actually too tired to. A quick shower might do wonders, but his eyes just slip shut on their own accord.

He jolts awake from the feeling of a warm, damp cloth swiping gently down his chest.

"Almost done." He recognises Yeonjun's smile even through his blurry sleepy vision. "Do you wanna clean — uh —" Yeonjun's ears are red. "Yourself? Or is it okay if I do it?"

"'S okay." Soobin mumbles.

He's completely transparent. Yeonjun can see through him already, so what is embarrassment anymore?

Yeonjun manages to talk Soobin into moving over to the other, clean bed. His way of 'talking' is more physical than verbal, carrying Soobin over that meter and a half into their second bed. Because they weren't a couple when they arrived today.

"What's so funny?"

Oh. He must have laughed at his own thought, because Yeonjun sounds so fond. The duvet cover is draped over his shoulder, soft and warm and safe.

"Two beds. Bcuz weren'ta couple."

"Alright big guy, it's time for you to sleep."

Yeonjun slides in closer, warmer, until hair tickles his chin and his weight settles on his side, dragging him under.

❆

When Soobin wakes up from a dreamless sleep, thoughts don't form immediately. Sensation comes first. The comfort of down pillows, the nice scent of cedarwood and balsam fir. The warmth. Feeling is a slow trickling brook until it's grown into a waterfall: all at once. Wow. He's so warm that his neck is sweaty.

When the first thought does come, it's not the harsh realisation he's gotten used to over the past weeks. Instead, it's Yeonjun he thinks of first.

It's Yeonjun's warmth that's trapped with him under the covers. It's Yeonjun's soft snores that woke him up. Yeonjun's breath that meet his shoulder in soft puffs.

The second thought is the one he's used to. The cold memory of all that he's lost. The sting that things will never be the same ever again. That life is harder now. That it's all his faul— No. It's not his fault.

Next to him, Yeonjun stirs. With his soft groan, his warm cheek now pressed against his shoulder, he mixes Soobin thoughts together.

Five warm fingertips find their way over his tummy, around his waist. Soobin sighs. Eyes and heart both flutter open.

Yeonjun's sleepy smile greets him. He looks so peaceful, so real. Warmth surges back into his chest, a waterfall flooding, spilling over every nerve ending, radiating from his skin. And just like that, he knows.

He knows that Yeonjun's rough, yet so so soft "good morning, Binnie" will become a memory he will never, ever forget.