Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Before, it was like she was constantly underwater, unable to breathe. Every time she was distracted, she was already at the bottom of the ocean. Miko helped her. With her, she could briefly keep her head above water before submerging again. With Shiori's arrival, everything changed.
Shiori wasn't the sun like Miko, Shiori was a shadow. A shadow that embraced her and shielded her from the world. With Shiori, Hinako could be herself without judgment. Not that Miko ever judged her for anything, not at all. It was just... easier to pretend with Miko. To pretend to be happy, to pretend to be healthy.
Yet it was Shiori who began the unstoppable process. A break from the status quo. The process of her recovery.
It's not like Hinako had known she was ill before. Sure, thinking about death isn't normal, but it's not an illness either. Right?
It turned out that it was indeed the case. As soon as Shiori learned what therapy was, she begged Hinako to see a psychotherapist. Although, as is usually the case with Shiori, she was hiding a demand behind her sweet words. Hinako was hesitant, but to her surprise, Miko joined Shiori. She couldn't win a two-on-one battle.
Hinako finally went to the appointment. The girls were nearby. It wasn't as bad as she thought.
— Yaotose Hinako-san?
Hinako's hands were shaking. This was her first time in a hospital since the accident. Sure, it was a different hospital, a psychiatric hospital, but that didn't lessen her fear. Shiori and Miko sat by her side, holding her hands. They stood up and pulled her along with them. Hinako stood in front of the office, her hand raised to knock. She looked back at her friends one last time. Miko gave her a bright smile and a thumbs up, and Shiori nodded silently with an encouraging smile.
Finally, Hinako knocked. From the other side of the door, a voice said, «come in». She opened the door. There was an elderly man sitting at the table.
— Can one of us go with Hinako to support her? — Miko asked with puppy eyes, to which the doctor smiled softly.
— Sorry, girls, but this is a private appointment. Only Yaotose-san and her guardian, if present, may enter.
— Okay, we'll go then. Good luck, Hinako.
Shiori grabbed Miko by the collar, amid her disgruntled cries. When the door slammed, the sounds died down. Hinako and the doctor were left alone. She shifted uncomfortably, staring at the door.
— Come in, make yourself comfortable. You can sit on a chair or in an armchair.
Hinako paused. The chair is located opposite the doctor's table. The armchair is pressed against the wall and is far enough away to keep distance, but close enough to see and hear each other well. Sitting in the chair would be more polite.
— My name is Shimizu Mamoru. You can call me Shimizu-san. I'm a psychologist and psychotherapist. I specialize in diagnostics and therapy. I've already addressed you earlier. May I continue to call you Yaotose-san, or would you prefer something else?
— Yaotose-san will do.
— Okay. Yaotose-san, what did you come to me with?
Of course, he'll ask this. He's a doctor, after all. I was supposed to come to him with a problem, to solve it. But it was the girls and her aunt who made an appointment for her. She has no idea why she came. Think, Hinako, think... What's wrong with you? And then she remembered Shiori's question: «Why do you want to die so much?» But that felt personal. Could she trust this man with her innermost thoughts?
Hinako looked, truly looked, at Dr. Shimizu. He had chestnut-colored hair, but it was already slightly gray. He wore librarian-style glasses. The wrinkles softened his face. If her father were alive, they would be the same age. The thought sent a pang through her chest.
— I... Think about death. A lot.
Dr. Shimizu nodded, urging her to continue. There was no sadness or confusion in his eyes, but it wasn't indifferent either. Interest, perhaps?
— I don't want to die, and I don't hurt myself. It's just... If something killed me, I'd be glad, I guess.
Dr. Shimizu is writing something on the computer.
— Yaotose-san, you're a very brave woman. Telling such things is truly difficult. I'm glad you came to us. It's a big step.
— No, it's... My friends actually made an appointment for me. I didn't do anything.
— You could have refused, but you still came here. No matter how much you persuade someone, they won't do something they don't want to do.
Hinako felt as if her parents had caught her in the act of a minor prank. But at the same time, warmth spilled through her chest.
— Tell me, Yaotose-san, do you have trouble sleeping or eating?
— No. I cook balanced meals. I sleep well. I can pass out after school and then sleep all night. It's true that I have trouble getting up in the morning.
He was writing something down again. Hinako noticed he wasn't judging her for anything. Just questions that were easy to answer. It was safe territory.
— Are you very tired after school?
— Not at all. In fact, I feel tired all the time, even when I haven't done anything. Like on the weekends.
Click click. Dr. Shimizu turned to face her.
— Yaotose-san, how long have you been in this condition?
— You mean, how long have I been wanting to die? — Hinako asked cautiously. Perhaps something she said also indicated some kind of illness?
— Yes. Among other things. Excessive sleepiness and chronic fatigue are also symptoms.
When he calls it that... Isn't he being dramatic? Hinako was used to it; she thought everyone lived like that.
— Well... I first thought about it when I was about twelve or ten. I don't remember exactly.
— Are you saying you've been in this state for four or six years?
That sounded heavy.
— I... Do?
Dr. Shimizu stared into her eyes for a few seconds, as if trying to find something there. Then he turned back to the computer. Hinako swallowed. He looked up from the computer and at the wall clock.
Okay, Yaotose-san. Here's what we'll do. Diagnosing a mental illness takes time. So, I'll schedule a follow-up appointment for you in a week. I'll prescribe medication. For now, we'll treat your symptoms to make your life easier. Once we know what exactly you are ill with, we will prescribe you the appropriate medications and therapy. Any questions?
I see, so something's wrong with her.
— No, I don't. Thank you for your time. — Hinako rose from the chair and bowed.
— Oh, no, I only enjoy helping people. — Dr. Shimizu smiled warmly at her as she left.
Two years have passed since Hinako and Shiori first met. Or rather, what Hinako once considered their first meeting. During this time, Hinako got better.
Since her first appointment, she has been seeing Dr. Shimizu for therapy every week. She is glad that she got to him and not to an unfamiliar doctor. After some time, he diagnosed her with a depressive disorder.
She was prescribed medication. After a month of taking the pills, she felt alive for the first time in years.
There were also bad days, sometimes turning into bad weeks. Today was one of those days. Hinako saw no reason for it. It was still spring, not summer, and nothing special had happened yesterday. So where did this heaviness in her body and emptiness inside come from?
Hinako didn't want to get out of bed. She felt like she was being pulled to the bottom of the ocean. She wanted to drown.
Gathering her strength, Hinako got out of bed. She checked her phone. Miko had texted that she couldn't go to school with her. She had no appetite, so she decided to skip breakfast. She took a pill anyway. After preparing her bento for the day, she headed to school.
Along the way, Hinako saw many people. They were talking, laughing, and having fun. She didn't listen; their voices became a cacophony of joy. Especially on the beach. Families with children reminded her of what she would never have again. This intensified the feeling of emptiness in her chest, of nothing to fill it with.
Hinako stopped on the bridge. She leaned slightly to look out at the blue ocean.
It's an uncontrollable force, beyond human control. Inescapable, like death itself. But at the same time, the ocean is so terrifyingly beautiful that it hurts. She'd never experienced such powerful emotions before. Over the past two years, she'd noticed that her gray world had become filled with color. She wanted to stop and admire it.
— That's dangerous.
Someone grabbed her hand. The touch was cold, but somehow it warmed her up. A gentle voice filled her ears.
— It's all well and good for you to be captivated by the ocean, but it isn't safe if you lean over too far.
— It's okay, Shiori.
Hinako felt nostalgic. This is where it all began.
Shiori suddenly tugged at her hand. Hinako had to take a step forward.
— Great. We don't want anything to happen to my girlfriend, do we?
Shiori took their clasped hands and kissed them. Hinako's pale skin instantly flushed. She looked away.
— Shiori, we're in public...
— Darling, haven't you forgotten that I'm a monster? I don't care what anyone thinks, except you.
Hinako felt a feather-light kiss on her knuckles. The asphalt seemed very interesting to her.
Finally, Shiori had finished her torture. Their hands remained intertwined.
— Well, shall we go?
— Yes.
Hinako couldn't help but return Shiori's smile.
— Good morning, Hinako! I'm so sorry I couldn't go to school with you! — Miko clasped her palms together in an apologetic gesture, closing her eyes as if she didn't expect forgiveness.
— It's okay, Miko. What happened? Overslept again? — Hinako smiled slightly.
— That was rude! By the way, yesterday I was helping the student council and stayed up late. I was so tired that I immediately passed out and slept through my alarm.
— You signed up for this, and now you're complaining. — Shiori interjected.
— Half-fish weren't allowed to speak! And anyway, you're turning my sweet Hinako into a meanie. — Miko grimaced and pointed at Shiori. She rolled her eyes.
— Hinako, don't deal with that fish anymore, she's a bad influence on you.
Two things happened at once. Miko turned her head to see Hinako's reaction. And Hinako giggled. The arguments instantly died down. The two monsters exchanged smiles, listening to the rare melodic sound of laugh.
— Did you manage to make Hinako-chan laugh? Well done!
Hinako instantly fell silent, her shoulders slumping. Her classmates approached Hinako's desk, where the girls were chatting.
— Did you know Akari-chan chose to study marine biology? I didn't expect that from her; she's a complete zero in biology!
— Seriously?! Did she even apply to other universities? — Miko emotionally joined in the dialogue with her classmates.
Hinako thought about it. Everyone had probably already applied to universities. She'd heard her classmates whisper about it during breaks. Everyone was choosing what they wanted to be. Except her.
— No, that's the problem! We're trying to talk her into it. By the way, girls, what have you decided to study? The school year is almost over.
— Damn, I completely forgot about that! I don't know what to choose, I like everything so much. — Miko drooped like a sunflower without sun.
Their hawk-like eyes fixed on Hinako, waiting for an answer. Since she started treatment, she has become more sociable. Expectations of her have grown higher now. She hates it.
She fidgeted under those stares. She didn't want to answer. A wave of shame washed over her for not knowing what to do with her own life. Was something wrong with her? What kind of question was that? There was always something wrong with her. She didn't even know why she was living.
Suddenly someone hugged her from behind around the neck. At first, she tensed, but then the familiar, cold touch calmed her. It was like applying ice to a bruise.
— Hinako and I don't know where to decide to study. — Shiori answered for her.
— What, all three of us? Girls, this isn't right! You need to decide quickly, there's only a month left.
Then they left. Hinako sighed with relief.
— Hinako, are you okay? You're quiet today. — Miko asked, concerned.
Hinako smiled. Of course, her best friend noticed. Judging by her girlfriend's reaction, she did too. Her empty chest filled with a tiny bit of warmth. They cared. But that's precisely why she didn't want to burden them.
— Don't worry, I'm fine. I just went to bed late, so I'm a little sleepy.
— You see, Hinako also had problems with sleep! — Miko turned to Shiori, as if it were a victory for her.
— You say that with such pride, fox. — Shiori replied sarcastically.
Shiori rested her chin on Hinako's head, then rubbed her cheek against her hair. A pleasant shiver ran from Hinako's scalp to her spine.
— And stop clinging to Hinako. She'll soon be completely covered in your scent. — Miko grimaced and playfully pinched her nose.
— Is it bad that my girlfriend smells like me? — Shiori grinned slyly.
Miko blushed, either from embarrassment or anger. Hinako didn't move far from her.
— Shiori... — Hinako pouted with embarrassment.
— You've been bragging about being tamed for a month now. Soon you'll be jumping through a hoop at Hinako's command.
It's true. They've been dating for a month. How time flies.
Hinako invited Shiori to a sleepover. They ate, talked, and watched movies. It wasn't their first sleepover, but Shiori is always amazed by modern technology. Hinako likes to show her a wide variety of films to help her figure out what she likes. So far, this idea hasn't been successful; Shiori enjoys watching absolutely everything.
When they went to bed, she couldn't sleep. Hinako plucked up the courage, turned to Shiori, who was lying on the futon, and confessed her feelings. Then Shiori kissed her for the first time. It was slow, tender, and passionate. She drank her in like water. Shiori said she'd been waiting for this moment for a long time.
Hinako watched as the girls resumed their usual bickering. She smiled.
Hinako was doing her homework when the alarm rang. It was time to take out the trash. She got dressed, collected the bags of sorted trash, and went outside. The trash collection point wasn't far.
As Hinako was setting the bags down on the asphalt in the designated area, she heard a meow from the alley. She looked around and saw a fluffy gray cat. He was thin and a little dirty. Yellow eyes sparkled in the darkness of the twilight.
Hinako wanted to feed the cat. His meowing sounded so sad to her. Maybe she had some sausages left in the fridge.
— Wait, kitty. I'll feed you now. Just don't eat the trash, please.
When Hinako returned, the cat was still where she'd left him. He hadn't even moved.
She had already crouched down next to him, but the cat ran off into the alley. Something in her told her to follow him. Hinako stood up, brushed off her clothes, and stepped into the darkness.
— Kitty don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. Come out. I brought you something to eat.
After taking a few steps into the alley, she noticed yellow eyes glowing from around the corner. Hinako was overjoyed. Until the rays of the setting sun fell on the cat. He was smiling. His unnaturally wide mouth bared a multitude of sharp teeth.
A shudder ran down Hinako's back. Yokai. She dropped the bag of sausages on the ground and ran away. Her foot caught on some box and she fell. A pop sounded behind her. The same as when Miko shapeshifted, only much quieter. She coughed from the smoke.
Hinako turned around. A cat the size of a large dog was sauntering toward her. Two tails slashed the air behind it. It was playing with its prey.
Hinako had been attacked by countless yokai over the past two years. And if you count all the ones Miko secretly protected her from, that's a lot more. Ultimately, she'll die.
Perhaps that would be good for her? No one would miss her.
She was frightened by her own thought. No, she wasn't doing that anymore. Enough with thinking about death. She had Miko, Aunt Tomori, and Shiori. They loved her.
The cold asphalt bit painfully into her palms. Hinako looked around, searching for a way to escape. She noticed the crowbar.
It happened quickly. Nekomata lunged. Hinako grabbed the crowbar and swung it at random. A cat's scream rang out.
Hinako was breathing heavily, from fear or something else, she didn't know. She looked at the nekomata. She'd been incredibly lucky. The tip of the crowbar had pierced the creature's temple. It was bleeding and staggering. Clouds of steam gathered around the cat's mouth from the cold air and its labored breathing.
Taking advantage of this opportunity, Hinako rose to her feet and ran. She didn't know where she was running, just to get away from yet another yokai that wanted to devour her.
Hinako ran to the embankment. She braced her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. Her heart pounded in her ears.
A cat's howl was heard behind her. Hinako's insides went cold. She turned around.
A few meters away stood the same gray nekomata. Red liquid was still flowing from its temple. Fury was evident in its eyes. It was flapping its wings, preparing to pounce.
Hinako's knees buckled. She was too tired to run. But she refused to accept death. Hinako closed her eyes in pleading.
— Please, someone save me.
A splash. A second, two, nothing happened. Hinako opened her eyes.
The scaly monster leaped and grabbed the nekomata by the neck with its teeth, like a mischievous kitten. Next to this, it truly did look like a kitten. A long, finned tail dangled from the railing.
A clawed hand rose and clutched the cat's torso. Stunned, the nekomata didn't even try to escape. Its jaws and hand jerked in opposite directions. A crunch. The head was torn from the body. A shower of blood turned Hinako crimson.
The body went limp and fell as the clawed hand unclenched its fingers. A head fell from its teeth like a piranha's. It rolled at Hinako's feet. A grimace of horror froze on its face.
Hinako looked away from the head and turned to the other monster. Tears welled in her eyes. She ran.
— Shiori!
And she buried her face in the scaly belly and hugged the enormous body as best she could. The clawed hand gently stroked Hinako's hair.
— Well, well. At least let me shapeshift, darling.
In an instant, instead of a Japanese mermaid, a girl stood on the embankment. She had one arm around Hinako's waist, the other running through her blood-stained hair. Hinako whimpered into Shiori's shoulder.
— Shh, it's okay now. I caught you. You have nothing to be afraid of.
— Shiori... I thought I was going to die and... And I thought everything was okay.
Shiori silently stroked Hinako's hair. Her shoulder was wet with tears.
A thud. A can of soda fell from the vending machine. Shiori took it, holding her own in the other hand. Hinako was waiting for her, sitting on a bench. She handed her the can. Hinako thanked Shiori and opened it, starting to drink.
— I still don't understand why you went after that cat.
— He looked like any other stray cat. I just wanted to feed him.
— Yes, and it almost feasted on you. — Shiori flicked Hinako's forehead, causing her to whine. Shiori quickly softened and kissed Hinako's forehead apologetically.
— I understand that you're a very kind girl, Hinako. However, remember that danger lurks around every corner. You're a delicacy for all monsters.
— Except you.
— Yes, except me.
A long time ago, when Shiori and Hinako first met, Shiori gave her her own blood. Hinako was six then. This happened before that unfortunate accident. Back then, Hinako was an ordinary happy healthy girl.
When a monster gives its blood to a human, they form a pact. The monster cannot eat the human. From that moment on, that human belongs to the monster.
Shiori chuckled conspiratorially.
— Although, you know. I could eat you one way right now.
— Shiori, I thought we were past that point.
Before Hinako could finish speaking, Shiori grabbed her chin. She turned her head toward her. Hunger was evident in Shiori's ocean-blue eyes.
Hinako would have taken that look literally before. She would have resigned herself to the monster eating her. Now she knew better. A shiver ran from the back of her neck to her spine. Her ears and cheeks flushed.
She closed her eyes. Warm lips touched hers. Their lips moved in time with her heartbeat. The slow movements and warmth Shiori shared calmed Hinako. A weight she hadn't realized she had was lifted from her shoulders. She lost herself in the kiss, pulling her girlfriend toward her by the shoulders.
Their lips parted. Hinako breathed heavily. Her lips turned red. Shiori chuckled. For a moment, they simply sat, sharing breath.
Hinako pulled away from Shiori and gazed at the sky. The stars twinkled in the night like luminescent fish in the dark depths.
— Shiori, I don't want to die.
— That's good to hear.
Shiori didn't move closer to Hinako, feeling she needed space.
— But... I don't want to live either. I don't know why. What do I want to do in the future? Where is my place in the world? After I lost my family, everything became so insignificant.
After Hinako had spoken her mind, they remained silent. Hinako thought it would continue like this until Shiori spoke up.
— What if you have a new family?
Hinako frowned and looked at her in confusion. Shiori moved closer to her.
— What if I give you a new family?
— You mean you want to become my family, Shiori? — Hinako tried to understand the connection.
Shiori smiled tenderly.
— That too, but I meant something different. Yaotose Hinako, do you want my child?
Hinako froze in shock. She tried to piece together her thoughts. What was Shiori saying? Her brain tried to connect the concepts of Shiori and a child, but to no avail.
Is this a joke? Hinako stared into Shiori's eyes, those ocean-colored eyes she loved so much. No mischievous glint, only cold seriousness. Her lips were set in a thin line. She wasn't joking.
— Shiori, we're both girls.
— I know.
— We can't have children.
— You're wrong about that, darling. I won't go into details now, but don't forget that I'm a monster. I have a different physiology than you.
— Shiori, this... It's too much. I need time to process it.
Shiori nodded thoughtfully.
— I understand. Will two weeks be enough for you to make a decision?
— W-what? Yes, I think so.
Shiori clapped her hands. The sharp sound made Hinako flinch.
— Excellent, then it's decided! And Hinako...
Shiori looked into her eyes. They were filled with seriousness and love. She took both of Hinako's hands in hers.
— No matter what you choose, I will still love you. If you want, we can forget about this conversation.
Hinako felt both relief and disappointment. She couldn't understand why. Through the fog of her thoughts, Hinako smiled. Her smile was broken.
— Of course, Shiori.
Shiori walked Hinako home. After kissing her goodbye, they parted ways.
Hinako changed and went to bed. So much had happened today that she couldn't wrap her head around it all. She stared at the ceiling, as if it held the answers to all her questions. Her thoughts swirled like whirlpools. Her heart pounded in her chest. She felt as if a surf were pushing her exhausted body. Finally, toward morning, she fell asleep from exhaustion.