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I toss and turn in bed caught in an endless stubborn battle to summon sleep. But something has been gripping tightly at my chest that I can’t quite ignore. This feeling of uneasiness has been twirling around my soul like a snake for the past week, ever since he left. My breath is growing uneven as I rub my eyes with the heel of my hand digging too aggressively as if I’m trying to gauge my eyes out and place them on the fucking nightstand right next to me.
I had promised myself wouldn’t feel this weak. Tried to delude myself even that it was necessary, healthy even to experience some space without falling right flat on my face with this ruthless wave of desperate separation anxiety. But tonight it just feels different. I can almost feel it in my chest, something is just off and I can’t fucking let that dreadful feeling go.
I turn upright and toss the pillow out of mere frustration, it lands somewhere between the swivel chair and the desktop. I attempt to take a deep breath bringing my hand massaging the back of my neck which grew too stiff, inevitably, after days of running on so little of sleep.
“I can’t call him now, I’ll startle him out of his sleep .” I try to reason with myself.
“fuck Matt, get it together, he’s not a fucking child.” I curse as I fight the urge to franticly grab at my phone and call him just to hear his voice and maybe, maybe then my heart beats would ease down on me.
“God I’m so piti-“,
My phone starts buzzing and it’s sure enough him. Chris.
I immediately reach for my phone, “ are you okay?” I mutter instantly failing at curbing down the tone of panic that took over my voice, unsolicited.
“Matt..” Chris breathes weakly on the other end and it sends shivers right down my spine.
“Chris? .. fuck. “ I breathe out frantically.
“Chris what’s wrong? Talk,-- talk to me.” I demand frantically with broken speech now up on my feet with my fingers digging through my temple.
I hear him clearing his throat, struggling, “ i- I just had a panic attack and fuck Matt. I got so scared.” He murmurs slowly all sounding drained and out of energy.
I go dead silent, I don’t know what befalls upon me but I feel the world reel from around me as I slowly try to grab for something, trying to find just about anything to hold onto for balance, to steady my feet. Chris has never had a panic attack before and when he does, it happens when he’s away from me.
When he’s fucking away from me.
“Matt?” Chris calls out softy. “ Hey, I’m okay now.” He reassures but the tremor in his tone doesn’t do enough, it doesn’t stop my heart from racing almost as if I’m about to have an episode on my own.
“Are you okay?” I finally manage, albeit broken, gulping as I slowly ease down on the bed.
“I’m okay now, that I heard your voice.” He swallows.
“Fuck Matt, is that what you go through every time you get one of these, cuz Jesus. It nearly knocked the wind out of me.”
My whole body shivers as I twist at the sheets with my fingers gripping too tightly.
“Chris, please just tell me you weren’t alone because I swear to god, I can’t –“
“I was.” He cuts me off and I feel my body heating up just like the fire flaming inside my ribcage. I wasn’t there to get him through it.. I wasn’t.
“I, i just had wrapped up filming the surprise with Nate.” He laughs tiredly, “fuck, I just almost spoiled the whole thing but I guess it doesn’t really matter now.”
“What happened?” I almost falter but I’m already so enraged at myself for being the one in shambles when I should pull myself together for his sake.
“I sent Nate off, and I got back into my hotel room. Nothing out of usual, but when I got out of the shower it suddenly took over me. I looked around and realized that I was entirely alone, really grasping the fact that I was all on my own and it scared the shit out of me Matt.. I couldn’t breathe.”
I go silent again as words fail me. I bring a hand and attempt to cover up my sniffling but that’s when he catches on, he always does, “ Matt, are you crying? Shit, Please-“
“God. I’m so sorry Chris.” I start.
“ I can’t bring myself to imagine that you had to deal with this all on your own. It’s killing me to even think about it.” I relay fighting through the whirlwind of emotions banging ungracefully at my chest.
“Hey, It’s okay now. I’m fine. “
“Matt, I promise.” He says again in attempt to bring me back to earth when he knows I’m such a lost case because when it comes to him, I always am.
“And then when I come out of it, the first thing I do is grapping for my phone and calling you. I needed to hear you voice so desperately. “Chris admits as I clutch to the phone with a death grip now seated on the floor supporting my back to the bedframe.
“This whole turning our locations off for this tour surprise situation is so fucking stupid. Now I don’t know where you are and you had your very first panic attack and now I have to wait two more fucking days till I see you. How in fuck will I be able to survive this?” I utter so frustratingly but my voice is barely audible. It’s almost as if I was the one going through it being left utterly spent.
Chris suckles on the other end, it’s so soft it renders me weak.
“Well, I would be lying if I said I didn’t see that coming. I knew just being alone for the first time in my life wasn’t just going to go without any hiccups. Now this whole thing is ruined anyway. Now you know that I filmed with Nate. So it kinda sucks big time for me.”
“Well I don’t know where you are still ,and what you filmed. So you’re all set buddy don’t work yourself up.” I humor back trying to add some levity to the situation as I brace my hand to the floor and haul myself up getting back on the bed.
Chris breathes hard and goes silent for a moment, I feel my heart pick up its beating with that dreadful feeling threatening to consume me all over again.
“Chris?” I call out almost desperate, “Can’t you fly out tomorrow? “ I blead for my sanity knowing that I won’t be able to withstand two more nights knowing that he’s away from my reach, where I can’t pull him into my embrace and make sure that he’s breathing all fine.
“I can’t Matt. I have to wrap up a couple of things before I head back home, you know how it goes. But god I wish I was with you right now you have no fucking idea.” He groans.
“God I miss you.” Chris cries out and I shut my eyes in the agony of this distance as my head falls back into the bedframe trying to breathe in to steady my breathing that just goes fickle with the gnawing notion that he needs me and I can’t be there because of some fucking stupid roles that we came up in attempt to let a room for individuality to root out. Well fuck that shit. Him and I will never be two separate entities, no matter how we attempted to fend for some healthy independency, we always crawled our way back into our own cocoon. And will happy die tangled up in his soul.
I can’t be without him.
“Don’t make me prey your location out of our manger, I swear I’m one phone call away from finding out and booking the next flight to wherever the fuck you are.” I challenge sarcastically but not entirely for we both know I’m more than capable of pulling such move.
“ well don’t make regret calling you!” Chris teases back
“I would’ve killed you.” I shoot back, “ if you ever attempt to hide something like that from me- I swear”
“Matt, relax.” He laughs, “You know I was messing with you. I can never hide shit from you.“
“Well, great” I say feigning amusement as I sink into the mattress and yank the blanket away with my feet. “It already is killing me enough that you won’t even facetime with me.” I swallow my frustration bringing a hand and place it over my chest as if I’m trying to coerce it back to some level of peace.
“I can’t Matt..” Chris murmurs in a small voice yet impactful enough that I feel it ringing through my bones.
“You know if I saw your face, I’d just fucking cave in. It’s already hard as it is hearing your voice and being able to see you so stop guilt-tripping me please.” He taunts me and I can hear the very similar desperate yearning in his tone that effortlessly pulls at my heart string let the words flow right out of my mouth with reckless abandon,
“I know it’s only been barley a week but i don’t know how to do this.“
"I wish I could hold you.. feel you in my arms” I whisper feeling my eyes sting again as I face the ceiling biting down my lips .
God I’m so beyond repair, without him.
Chris pauses for a beat,
“I miss you touching me, I miss .. I miss feeling you--” he whispers biting back at his final words and I feel my blood run through my veins and leaving my brain dead for I cannot think.
“Fuck Chris, please.” I beseech with such delicate desperation. He cannot do this to me right now.
“ see you in two days, I guess..”
I don’t go to bed that night.
It’s the next day and I’m in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge as my eyes run though the texts on my phone.
He hasn’t texted me back since we hung up the night before. I know it must be excruciating for him as it has been for me too,but I can barely breathe without him filling my premise and bringing life to my being. We’ve never been good at keeping distance, keeping some leeway for space. It always backfired as painful reminder to one home truth; he is everything I live for.
And it’s too scary of a notion to grasp but I’ll be damn if it was anything but that.
I hear the front door clicks open. It’s almost midnight. I turn off the TV and quickly get on my feet trailing the sound.
Then my breath nearly catches in my throat.
He’s here. Chris is here, a day early.
I don’t recall how I got him in my arms latching around him with urgent demand. His hands wrap up suffocating around my waist as he buries his face in the crock of my neck. I haul him to my body in a fierce need to feel every inch of his body mingled up with mine.
“God, I fucking I missed you.” He breathes in my ears.
We’re in his room, we got there somehow in the urgency of it all, we probably dragged our feet in there like a muscle memory functioning on pure instinct and irrevocable desire.
My hands are enveloping his neck as i inhale in his lips in mine and we move around his bed not paying a care in the world if we trip, or if we fall or break a bone, not his of course but i'd break mine for him willingly. . I just want to feel nothing but him.
My tongue roams around in his mouth as I lay atop of him fully clothed. Chris whimpers as my hand dig into hair gripping as our tongue swivel around in a heated dance. His hand glides around the small of my back as I break the contact to look him dead in the eye with a hazy gaze.
Chris is breathing heavily under me as he locks eyes with mine. He brings a hand and grazes up the corner of my lips.I find my own hand slipping to his belt unbuckling it as he arches up at the contact.
“Matt..” he whimpers out my name as I work my hand to unbuckle his belt.
“Off.. I need this off.” I demand now feeling his own hand working ever so slowly in taking off his own pants as I brace myself with my hands boxing him between my hold, hovering over him eyes never leaving each other as we both seem to have run out of breath.
His pants are on the floor but I can’t hold back, can’t wait one more damn minute.
I take his lips into mine again with such fierce dominance. Chris is in his boxers and I’m still clothed. I move my lips around and my body moves as well losing every bit of control I thought I had left.
I’m pushing into him feeling his cock swell up against mine.
“Fuck Matt” Chris whimpers as he head falls back into the mattress pressing as I grind our clothed cocks together and I keep thrusting up into him as he opens up his legs welcoming me in.
“Shit.. shit Matt I’m not going to last if you didn’t take your damn clothes off right now.”
I stop my grinding still haven’t uttered a single word. I just haul myself up a little still hovering over him. I pull myself up and yank my shirt to the floor and my pants join it soon after.
He’s moaning with such free liberty and desperation as I suck on his throat.
“I missed this” I say out of breath as I cup his nipple before taking it into my mouth and Chris whimper so loud under me arching up gripping the sheets tight. His hard cock poking at my stomach and I feel the damp leakage already coating me.
Chris is moaning my name over and over withering and cursing as I crush his mouth into mine again and slide a finger inside him.
His legs part so wide taking my finger in so willingly as he moans into my mouth.
I look him into the eyes as I push my tip inside him and he gasps and a loud groan escape from my mouth.
“I kept.. I kept thinking of you.. when it happened” Chris stutters on his words as I started to move slowly inside him.
I take his hands into mine as I feel every inch of my cock gets buried deeper and deeper inside him and I rest my forehead against his. His hands pull tightly at my ass inviting me deeper and I feel my soul mingling with his and so I feel like passing out from the intensity of it.
“it’s you Matt.. it’s you again who got me –fuckk—out of it” Chris manages to verbalize as my thrusts grow fiercer and I my chest is plastered against him while my nose nuzzles his throat.
“I felt you pulling me out of it, I kept seeing your facing guiding my breathing.. oh god—“ I can feel him getting closer and the more he talks the more I hammer myself into him feeling my entire body shake as he locks his ankles around me.
“It’s always you, saving , saving me---“
My thrusts go faster as I roll my hips deeper sinking into him. I feel myself getting close so I make sure he’s looking me into the eyes as I push in frantically
“Chris.” I whimper as my hips still work into him, “you need to-- to to know, you’re everything… everything to me..”
“oh fuck. Fuckkk I love you.” I cry out shakenly while pushing my release deep into him as he arches back with a loud groan spurting his own release all over my stomach while bracing his arms up from behind his head at the headboard.
He’s in my arms cradled into my chest as we lay naked in his bed with a thin blanket draping over us.
“I couldn’t let you lose sleep one more day because of me. So I managed to book an early flight.”
Chris explains lazily as his fingers run circles across my stomach.
“I was serious though”, I look him down and he instantly gazes up at me.
“I was this close from calling our manager and tracking you down. I was starting to lose my damn mind.” I say with a soft earnest smile painted on my face and he smiles back at me as though he understands the thick honesty in my words.
“Just knowing how awful it is to get a panic attack for the first time let alone being fully on your own when I know exactly how terrifying that feeling is just was too much for me to bear.. “ I spill out with some tone of seriousness.
Chris readjusts his posture and cups my chin with one hand, “I didn’t want to worry you because I know all too well how it feels. But I just knew you needed to be there for me as much as I needed to hear your voice.”
I lock eyes with him for a second letting his words sink in, truly settle in.
“I just don’t want anything bad ever happening to you. The mere thought just-- scares the shit out of me. And I don’t ever want to be apart from you ever gain for whatever fucking reason. ”I whisper adamantly as I lean in nuzzling his nose feeling his breath hot against my lips.
“We, that makes two of us.” Chris whispers back against my lips.
“fuck Chris..” I lean in so close.
“I love you too.” Chris murmurs before he takes my lips into his.