Work Text:
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: kk
TA: kk are you there
TA: 2eriiou2ly karkat,, re2pond
TA: ye2 ii know about your fugly pop2iicle-a22 blood and ii know you''re probably two bu2y packiing your 2hiit two an2wer me,, but there''2 actually a much bigger fuckiing problem faciing you now..
TA: 2eriiou2ly dude,, pick up
TA: don''t make me have a fucking aneury2m
TA: please.
CG: OH MY GOD, CHILL OUT, I'M HERE.
CG: UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF MY UNDERGARMENTS AREN'T.
CG: I FORGOT TO PUT THEM IN THE DRYER.
CG: SO NOW I HAVE TO FUCKING WASH THEM AGAIN, AND THEN DRY THEM.
CG: THAT MEANS I'M ALL EARS FOR YOUR MEANINGLESS DRIBBLE FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS, AT LEAST.
TA: that''2 fuckiing excellent kk!! now 2hut the fuck up about your lingere and lii2ten..
CG: HEY WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNOW ABOUT MY BLOOD
CG: WHO TOLD YOU
TA: that''2 not relevant.. ii know that''2 not the an2wer you''re lookiing for but iit''2 true..
TA: but hey good new2!! you no longer have two worry about that..
TA: actually,, good new2 and bad new2..
TA: the good new2 ii2 that the government ii2 not even remotely concerned about your mutatiion,, or anyone el2e''2 blood color for that matter..
CG: WHAT
TA: bad new2 ii2 that''2 becau2e the government doe2n''t actually exii2t.. at lea2t,, not the one that we were told about..
TA: you know how all our liive2 we''ve been told that we were goiing two be 2hiipped off two 2erve the miiliitary iin a genociidal forever war??
CG: NO, I'D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN. COULD YOU GIVE ME A REFRESHER?
TA: turn2 out,, complete bullshiit..
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.
TA: everythiing,, kk..
TA: the war.. the empiire.. the conde2ce.. the fuckiing ance2tor2.. iit wa2 all bull2hiit.
TA: and a2 far a2 ii can tell,, iit alway2 wa2.
CG: WELL OBVIOUSLY THE ANCESTORS WERE BULLSHIT. ANYONE WITH A THINK PAN CAN FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.
CG: AS FOR THE REST, HA HA, NICE PRANK BRO.
CG: DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS THIS MORNING?
TA: kk thii2 ii2 not the tiime two 2tubbornly refu2e two beliieve everythiing ii''m telliing you liike you alway2 do..
TA: our lu2ii are a lot le22 2twopiid than they 2eem..
TA: at lea2t,, miine ii2.
TA: well,, wa2..
CG: SOLLUX DID YOU JUST KILL YOUR FUCKING LUSUS
TA: iin 2elf defen2e,, kk.. and unfortwonately you wiill 2oon have two do the 2ame..
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD
CG: YOU'VE ACTUALLY GONE OFF THE DEEP END. IT'S GAMZEE ALL OVER AGAIN.
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAVE TO BE FUCKING INSANE!?
CG: JUST ONE NORMAL, RATIONAL PERSON. JUST ONE! THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED.
CG: I GUESS TAVROS WAS PRETTY CHILL, BUT HE WAS ALSO A DUMBASS AND NOW HE'S DEAD.
CG: JOKE'S ON ME FOR NOT BEFRIENDING THE CRIPPLED SISSY BEFORE HE GOT CULLED! HA HA! EVERYONE LAUGH AT KARKAT! BASK IN THE SCHADENFREUDE
TA: are you done yet??
TA: 2orry ii don''t have tiime two lii2ten to your rant2,, although ii''m not 2ure iif ii or anyone el2e ha2 ever had tiime for that..
TA: you''ve got a lot of iimportant 2hiit two do,, now..
TA: fiir2t,, you need two kiill that fuckiing crustacean..
TA: next,, you''re gonna need two get the fuck off thii2 planet..
CG: I'M ALREADY ABOUT TO HEAD TO TEREZI'S HIVE.
CG: THAT'S GONNA BE A DIFFICULT ENOUGH TREK. I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO COMMUTE TO THE FINAL FUCKING FRONTIER, SCOTTY.
TA: tz''2 2hiitty treehiive ii2n''t far enough..
TA: after you belatedly abort that dragon,, you and tz will need two find 2omethiing capable of 2pace travel..
TA: and then just go..
TA: u2e up all the fuel iif you must.. driift endle22ly untiil you cra2h land 2omewhere vaguely iinhabiitable,, iif 2uch planet2 even exii2t..
CG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, IF THEY EXIST?
CG: IF WE ATTEMPT TO LEAVE THE SYSTEM, WE'LL BE OBLITERATED. YOU KNOW THIS.
TA: ii''ve ju2t told you,, man,, iit''2 all a fuckiing liie..
CG: SO WHAT ABOUT TAVROS AND NEPETA?
CG: AND I GUESS ALSO GAMZEE, BUT HE WAS ALREADY ON DEATH'S DOOR BEFORE WE HAD TO SCATTER.
TA: the drone2 are legiit,, but they''re not culliing for the rea2on that we led two beliieve..
TA: maybe the drones them2elve2 don''t know the truth.. and two be hone2t,, ii don''t really know eiither..
TA: ii''d a22ume the lu2ii would be able two make 2omethiing out of them,, e2peciially nepeta..
TA: ii mean, 2he wa2 perfectly healthy when they got her..
CG: DON'T REMIND ME.
TA: maybe iit wa2 2ome kiind of revenge for all the bea2t2 2he 2laughtered..
TA: but then they''d have certaiinly done u2 all a fuckiing favor and riid the world of eriidan..
TA: actually,, now that ii mentiion iit,, he''2 actually been doiing u2 a favor by huntiing them..
TA: we 2hould''ve been thankiing hiim for every lu2u2 he kiilled!!
TA: fuckiing priick.. don''t tell hiim anythiing.. ii would never forgiive myself iif he caught wiind of thii2 and wa2 able two e2cape alterniia..
CG: OH MY GOD
CG: THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL
TA: yeah,, no 2hiit..
CG: IT'S JUST
CG: UNTIL NOW I THOUGHT YOU'D GONE INSANE, OR WERE PULLING A REALLY FUCKED UP PRANK, OR MAYBE BOTH.
CG: BUT YOU WERE BEING DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT ERIDAN. HIS MASS POACHING ACTUALLY HAD A BENEFIT BEYOND FEEDING FEFERI'S FATASS MOM.
TA: agaiin,, not a word two hiim about any of thii2..
TA: oh,, 2hiit.. biig wall of cream comiing up behiind me..
CG: PHRASING.
CG: NOW HOLD ON
CG: KANAYA WAS CONSCRIPTED TWO MONTHS AGO
CG: AND I SURE AS HELL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER SINCE
CG: WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO HER, SOLLUX?
TA: ii
TA: i don't know, karkat.
TA: but her lu2u2 wa2 already breakiing the rule2 by raii2iing her..
TA: 2o who know2.. ii''m al2o concerned,, but for now we''ve gotta worry about our2elve2..
TA: lii2ten,, ii''m gonna have two fiight the2e mon2ter2..
TA: get two terezii and then get a 2hiip,, by any mean2 nece22ary..
TA: ii''ve got a viial of miind honey...... iif ii 2omehow make iit out of here,, ii''ll catch up wiith you guy2..
CG: SOLLUX, WAIT
CG: YOU SAID THE CONDESCE WAS ALSO FAKE
CG: OR AT LEAST OUT OF THE PICTURE
TA: oh shit
TA: i'm a fucking dipshit
TA: karkat, you need to message ff for me
TA: tell her to flee
TA: take her with you, if you can
TA: please
CG: SHOULD I ALSO TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER? AND THAT YOU'RE THREE WEEKS FROM DISCHARGE?
TA: oh,, fuck off..
TA: actually
TA: uhh
TA: 2iince ii probably won''t make iit
CG: SOLLUX
TA: ju2t
TA: good luck and gog2peed o7
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: SOLLUX?
twinArmageddons [TA] did not receive message from carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.