Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was the weekend. Cool, but sunny, a day brimming with possibilities. But that was outside.

Inside, a cosy, lazy breakfast. Crunchy toast and mugs of hazelnut coffee and hot chocolate.

Wiping a smear of peanut butter from his lips, Noah realised that his monologue about how he and Connor had created a super team, defeating their rivals in their latest in-game op in an epic last-minute victory, was falling on deaf ears.

“Uh…Earth to Mom?”

Olivia looked up, shaking her thoughts aside, and putting her cold toast back down on the plate.

“What, sweetie?”

Noah took a breath. “You weren’t listening to me. You looked…like you were trying to solve a puzzle.”

“Just thinking through some stuff. Nothing to worry about. Changes at work,” Olivia brushed it off. “What do you want to do today? You mentioned something about new sneakers…”

“Is this about Aunt Amanda?”

Noah obviously wasn’t prepared to let it go until he made sure his mom was okay with whatever was eating at her. Sneakers could wait.

“It can’t be a case. That’s a different face.”

“A different face, huh?” Olivia scowled, baring her teeth and growling. “Like this one?” She raised her hands in mock claws and lunged at him across the table.

Noah giggled and wiggled back. “Very funny, Mom. You’re deflecting.”

“Oh, I am, am I?” She raised an eyebrow. “Tell me more, Dr Porter Benson. Why would I be ‘deflecting’? And why do I look like I’m thinking about Aunt Amanda?”

Her son tilted his head and began to analyse. He was obviously taking the question very seriously.

“You looked kinda…lost. A bit…um…wistful? Like someone hurt you in a way that you didn’t think they could. In your heart, I mean.”

“That’s why I wondered if it was Aunt Amanda. Ever since you said that she wasn’t going to work at SVU anymore, you’ve been…different…sad,” He continued tentatively. “Did…did you tell her?”

“Tell her what, Noah?” Olivia was genuinely confused.

“About how you have special feelings about her? You know what I mean...the ‘not just friends’ feelings.”

He was trying to be delicate. Not a teenage specialty, but he was a sensitive boy, so this was his best attempt.

Olivia stopped.

The ground opened up beneath her. She could feel her heart pounding, a thousand thoughts, memories, images hitting her at once as the earthquake of emotional resonance struck.

Before she could get any coherent words from the rubble of what had been a carefully constructed artifice of denial in her consciousness, the shock of recognition burst across her face. She couldn’t hide it in time, although probably only microseconds had passed.

“What?” Olivia tried to pull herself together. “Noah, I…”

“Ohhh...” Noah’s face blanched. “You didn’t—I thought that… Never mind.”

As it dawned on Noah that he’d seen more than he was supposed to, he panicked. His ‘fight or flight’ response kicked in and he bolted toward his room.

“I’m just gonna…brush my teeth now. Maybe floss too.” He said quickly as he raced off. “I could be a while…”

*****

Noah sat on his bed, looking around his room, considering his mother’s reaction.

How could she not know?

He knew that she wasn’t…anti-gay. His mom loved him, saw him for who he was. She helped him string up the little heart lights over his bed, took him to dance classes, talked to him about his crushes, hugged him when kids were mean, and told their parents when he’d been hurt. She always made sure he knew he could come to her about anything—anything at all, boys, girls, wins, losses, confusion and triumphs.

And he did come to her…mostly. I mean, she was his mom, so, she didn’t necessarily need to know everything, but he felt safe to do so if he wanted.

His mother, however, got locked inside her head a lot. Noah knew that there were things that she did at work, people who did horrible things and people who had terrible things done to them that he didn’t want to know about. He knew better than to ask, unless he’d seen something—maybe on the news or overheard someone talking—or when he’d been told to be extra careful and needed to watch out for a certain kind of person. Even then, he hesitated to ask. If it was important, Mom would tell him.

But he knew about her cop friends, the ones she really trusted. The team that she had worked with since before he was born were practically family. They came and looked after him whenever Mom was late; sometimes he even went and stayed with them when something came up unexpectedly for longer, if Lucy was busy.

Uncle Fin was really good at gaming, so staying with him was fun.

Uncle Sonny made great spaghetti and was really good at answering lots of questions. He knew all the laws and what the consequences were.

Aunt Amanda was sweet and kind, and remembered his favourite things. She always checked that he was feeling okay and was really good at working out what he was thinking; not just what he actually said out loud. Noah supposed that was what made her a good detective.

Of course, Jesse and Billie were like cousins, fun and annoying all at once. He loved playing with them, teasing them. They were family, really.

They all were.

Noah never really asked his mother much about her personal life though. He remembered Uncle Tucker, knew that he was her boyfriend, and that he slept over.

Noah knew most of Olivia’s facial expressions. She had a particular look, a softness when she cared about someone, a close friend versus an acquaintance…but she had a very different set of expressions when she was with someone like Uncle Tucker or Aunt Amanda, more recently.

Mom looked at Aunt Amanda when she thought no one was watching. Her eyes sparkled. Noah didn’t know if anybody else noticed, but he did.

Whenever his mother told a story about something that she and Aunt Amanda had done together, she smiled, in a secret kind of way, like there was more to it than she was saying. And Aunt Amanda could tease Mom about anything and she would just take chuckle or roll her eyes. She seemed to enjoy it more than when the others did it.

When his mother hugged Amanda, she held on longer. Aunt Amanda never pulled away, either. They closed their eyes sometimes.

Sometimes they seemed kind of shy with each other too. Their eyes often met when other people were talking, like they were sharing a joke or a secret that was just between the two of them. Something private.

Noah might be a kid, but he could see it. If there was one thing that he was an expert on, it was his mother…and when you’re raised by detectives, you learn how to read people.

What he hadn’t considered was that his mother hadn’t realised her own feelings.

What he’d forgotten was that Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny got married. (He’d never really understood why she needed to marry her friend. Weren’t you supposed to marry someone who you were in love with? Noah just put that down to ‘adults are weird’…or that his mom hadn’t told Aunt Amanda that she loved her yet.)

I mean, Mom’s a detective, a captain of detectives, even…

She’s a grown up. Don’t adults have that stuff figured out by then? Mom’s not, you know…young…

He really hoped he hadn’t hurt her. She looked so shocked. Scared, even. That was the last thing he wanted to do, but if she hadn’t realised how she felt…

Oh no! What am I supposed to say now?

*****

Olivia was so far beyond gobsmacked that she’d hit the city limits for shell shocked.

“About how you feel about her.”

Amanda. How she felt about Amanda.

She…felt…things. Not-friend things.

Pit-of-the-stomach, change-the-subject-now things. Feelings she’d been busy compartmentalising from her consciousness for years.

She had…feelings…for Amanda?

Olivia’s eyes darted from side to side as she picked up internal jigsaw pieces and started to put them together.

Amanda in the squad car on a stakeout with her—her blonde hair catching the first rays of sunlight as she dozed next to her. Wanting to reach across and touch it…

Amanda throwing her head back as she laughed at something Fin said.

Amanda passionately arguing her case to persuade Olivia to let her try another approach.

The unspoken connection between them whenever they were in the same room; they way their eyes locked as some facts clicked into place in sync.

Amanda getting wounded—the feeling that she couldn’t lose her.

Amanda and Carisi getting married—a sense of loss. She looked so heartbreakingly beautiful and so…someone else’s.

Amanda telling her that she wanted to leave SVU—leave her…the abyss she fell into at just the idea of Amanda walking away from her.

Swallowing the pain of saying goodbye, even though it wasn’t really goodbye because they would still see each other outside of work.

Seeing Amanda lecture at Fordham, wishing she was in her class, able to listen to her every day, watching her move around the stage, commanding and captivating her audience.

The relief in her heart when she realised that Amanda missed working with her, wanted to be back in her squad.

The knowledge that things would never be the same now that Amanda was married.

The ache whenever Carisi said “my wife”, that she pushed down inside while she smiled on the outside.

Attraction. Connection. Fear. Jealousy. Devastation. Relief. Longing. Sorrow.

Noah was right.

Oh, God. Noah was right.

Chapter Text

Knock knock

“Noah?”

Nothing.

“I know you’re still in there. Unless you were exposed to something radioactive and your suddenly able to shoot webs from your wrists.”

Still nothing.

“You’re going to have to leave your room eventually, Noah. I’ll order pizza, if I have to…don’t make me ask for pineapple…”

The door burst open.

“You wouldn’t?!!” Noah’s face looked horrified.

“Well, no. Pineapple on pizza is an abomination.” Olivia tousled her son’s hair. “But I had to get you out somehow…can’t believe you fell for that, though. Your game is slipping, kid. Another minute and I might’ve added churros.”

“You will anyway.” Noah was smug. “You live me.”

“True, and also true.”

Noah seemed to be taking his cue from his mom, who had paused to consider the elephant in the room.

“So…pizza…”

Olivia was decisive. “Yeah, Leonardo, first we scarf the pizza, then we do the talking.”

“Deal.”

*****

There were crusts being picked at, cinnamon sugar being licked from fingers, cola slurped and cabernet sipped with relish.

“I’m going to have to get my own pizza soon. I barely got a slice.” Olivia half-lied.

“Good thing you ordered the churros then, Mom.”

“For me or for you?” Olivia arched a brow.

“Yes.” Noah grinned.

Olivia chuckled, then took another sip of wine to fortify herself.

“So…earlier.”

“Uh…yeah. I’m—I didn’t mean—I just…” Noah trailed off.

Olivia put her hand up, cutting him off mid-stammer.

“It’s okay, Noah. I know you didn’t mean to upset me. You were trying to be supportive.” She took a breath.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No! No, I wasn’t upset with you. Not at all.”

Relief washed over Noah’s face.

“The thing is, sweetheart, I…” Olivia struggled to find the right words before continuing, “I didn’t—I hadn’t ever really thought about…how I might feel about…Aunt Amanda before, and it kinda took me by surprise.”

“I kinda figured that out, after.” Noah looked down. “I wasn’t wrong though, was I?”

“Well, no…in retrospect…” Breathing really was taking an effort at the moment—was the air conditioning working? “I realise now that I might have… overlooked a few things.”

“It was your gay awakening.”

Olivia’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry?”

“Your gay awakening. That’s what it’s called when you discover your true self, your truth.” Noah considered. “It’s different for everyone. Some people just always know, I guess. I did. Other people take a really…really long time.”

“So you’re saying I’m what—a gay dinosaur?”

Noah stifled a giggle. “I plead the fifth.”

“You’ve been spending way too much time with your Uncle Sonny.”

Olivia reached out for him then, pulling Noah in for a side hug. “So you’re responsible for my gay awakening, huh? When did you get so perceptive?”

“It’s my gaydar.” He looked smug.

“I guess I’m going to have to brush up on my vocabulary aren’t I?”

Noah shrugged. “You’ll get there, Mom.”

*****

Later, after Noah had been shuffled off to bed, Olivia sat on the couch, nursing a cup of herbal tea and contemplating the events of the day.

So, great. This is my life now.

Apparently Noah is an emotional genius…and I’m a repressed lesbian in love with an unobtainable straight woman who is married to one of my best friends, and they are also both my colleagues.

And they’ve just had a baby.

And I’m their baby’s godmother.

And she’s younger than me.

And…that’s the way it’s going to stay, because she’s truly happy now.

So happy with him.

He’s a good man.

They’re both so happy…

Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe I just want some happiness too.

Yeah, tell yourself that Olivia, because it’s easier than facing the fact that you were so utterly clueless about how you really felt, you let this amazing woman end up with someone else.

Not that there’s ever been any indication that she thought of you as anything other than a friend.

Not that you were ever looking…

Or was there?

Noah seemed to find it obvious that she must’ve talked to Amanda about her feelings.

Had he seen something in Amanda’s behaviour toward her that led him to believe that there was some reciprocity there?

No, that’s foolish. She sees me as—what? A friend? A colleague? Family?

Olivia sighed.

There’s no point thinking about this. I’m not about to destroy years of friendship on the off-chance that Amanda might feel anything more than friendship toward me.

It’s not worth potentially ruining the lives of the people I love.

I gotta get some sleep, so I can deal with tomorrow…and pretend that this isn’t going to change my whole world.

*****

Olivia kept it together for days. Or so she thought.

“What’s up, Liv? You look tired.”

“Some people say sleep is overrated, but they lie.”

“Who are these deceivers? Have we got a warrant?” Amanda sat down in front of Olivia’s desk, putting coffees in between them. “Still hazelnut, right?”

“Mmm…you’re a lifesaver.” Olivia inhaled the aroma, knowing that scalding her tongue was not going to make her day any easier.

“So, are we going to talk about this?”

Olivia stopped and lowered her glasses.

“Talk about what, Amanda?”

“How ‘bout why you’ve been avoiding me all week? Carisi says you’re dodging him too. It’s not a case, because Carisi would know.”

Amanda ducked her head slightly to try to catch Olivia’s eyes behind the curtain of hair obscuring her face.

“I’ve had a lot on my mind. It’s not a case, it’s all the cases and the paperwork that goes with them, Chief’s on me about spending, and then Noah—he’s really growing up now, you know...”

“Is everything alright with him?”

“Oh, yeah—no, no, he’s fine. He’s a typically egocentric teenage boy, but aside from that, he seems to see his poor old mother pretty clearly.”

Olivia rose from her desk to show Amanda she had to keep moving, gave her a quick hug on the way out.

“I absolutely do not want to avoid you—or your husband—but there are a stack of files calling my name right now and those I definitely have been avoiding…and if I’m not careful, they will seek their revenge in the form of a thousand paper cuts and a call from 1PP asking for an official explanation.”

“Alright, Liv…I get it. Just so long as we’re okay—that you are okay, yeah?”

“I am.”

“Well you’re coming over for dinner as soon as you’re finished with your paper friends here…and it better be soon, or I’ll be forced to alert the Fire Warden that you’re causing a hazard to health and safety here.”

“Bye, Amanda.”

“Bye, Liv.”

*****

“She’s spiralling, ‘Manda.”

Fin had watched as Amanda paused outside the captain’s office, concern and confusion written all over her face after being hustled out. His approach was gentle, as were his words.

“I’ve never seen her like this.”

“Any clue as to what’s causing this?” Amanda tried. “I thought it was me…I mean, maybe I did something…”

“Nah, ‘Manda you’re good.” Fin paused.

“She’s just going through something personal. I don’t know what, but if she hasn’t told you, she probably hasn’t told anyone.”

“But she talks to you, right?”

“Sure. But not the way she talks to you. You’re, you know…special.” He trod lightly. “A woman. I get the general stuff; she shares what’s in her heart with you.”

Amanda raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?”

“I see you two doing the girl talk; the looks.” He winked. “I don’t even want to know what else.”

Amanda returned his gaze without committing to anything.

“If you can’t get her to open up, there’s only one other person who might have a clue. A certain junior detective-in-training who gets to see a whole different side of Olivia Benson than we do.”

“Hmmm. Noted. Thanks Fin.”

*****

Amanda knew that she had to be patient; not her strong suit for sure, but necessary.

Sure enough, the call came.

The waiting paid off.

“Amanda, I hate to bother you, but something’s come up…could you pick up Noah for me?”

“Sure, Liv, no problem. The sitter’s still home with the kids and Dominic’s on his way—we can pick up some takeout on the way to yours.”

“That’d be great. I shouldn’t be too late; there’s just a couple of loose ends that can’t wait. I just don’t want Noah to be alone at night. Since the BX9 situation, I’ve been a bit overprotective, I know...”

“No, Liv, I get it.” Amanda reassured. “I would too. If you get held up and can’t get home, I’ll take him back to my place for the night—if that’s okay—just let me know in time for me to put the kids to bed. Then I’ll take him to school in the morning, okay?”

“It shouldn’t come to that, but I appreciate the offer if something comes up. I’ll keep you posted. It should only take an hour, I think. See you then.”

“See you.” Amanda finished.

Now if I can find out if Noah knows what’s going on…

*****

Driving Noah home, Amanda was brought up to speed on all the latest developments in gaming, who liked who at school, why the pop quiz today was completely unfair, and what was trending on TikTok.

Amanda was was actively participating, but really she was just biding her time.

Later, as they debated over who deserved the last slice of pizza most based on energy expenditure, seniority, and overall cuteness, Amanda’s phone buzzed with a text from Olivia saying that she’d be leaving the office in 10-15 minutes.

It was now or never.

“So, your mom says she’s finishing up in about 15. This is your last chance for a treat. Do you you have any ice cream in the freezer?”

“Yeah, I think so. Let’s check!” Noah raced ahead of her into the kitchen.

He struck gold in the form of a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, which seemed to last only seconds after hitting the bowl.

As Noah licked his spoon with relish, ensuring that no flavour could possibly be left on each scoop, Amanda seized her chance.

“Is everything good with your mom? She’s been a little…distant recently. I haven’t seen her much.”

Noah froze, jolted from his iced bliss, and instantly on guard. “Really?”

“Yeah, I wondered if maybe you might have an idea about what’s going going on with her…”

“Nope.” He answered with no elaboration.

“That’s all you’ve got for me? ‘Nope’?” Amanda’s brows knitted. “I’ll need more than that. I’m worried about her.” She paused. “Has she mentioned anything to you? I thought maybe I did something to upset her.”

“No, I don’t think she’s upset with you…I’m sure she’s fine. If she wanted you to know, she’d tell you.”

“She’d tell me? Noah? So you do seem to know something.” Amanda changed tack. “Is Liv in some kind of trouble? If you know and she’s hiding something big, then you need to tell me so I can help.”

“No, no! She’s not in any trouble!” Noah panicked, trying to backtrack. “She…um…I just can’t tell you. It’s personal. To her, I mean.

“I can’t betray her trust.” Noah said earnestly.

Amanda stopped. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to do that, Noah. But she’s obviously hiding something. So maybe, if you could let her know how worried I am, you could let her know that I’m here for her whenever she’s ready to talk.”

“I’m sure she’ll tell you some time.” He paused. “I hope she will soon too. I think she needs to.”

Amanda didn’t have time to respond to his cryptic remarks before the rattle of keys in the door interrupted them and Olivia announced herself.

Realising the time, Amanda grabbed her things and said her goodbyes.

He hadn’t answered any questions, but Noah had certainly given her a lot to think about.

Chapter Text

She’s not in trouble…It’s personal…I can’t betray her trust…I’m sure she’ll tell you sometime…

Noah’s words echoed in Amanda’s head, ricocheting around as she processed the information, trying to make sense of what he wasn’t telling her.

There’s definitely something going on.

He wanted to tell to tell me, but couldn’t.

She might tell me, but she might not?

He thinks she needs to.

It surely couldn’t be a new relationship, because Liv shared that stuff easily these days, even when it was about Elliot.

But if it was ‘personal’, and she trusted Noah with the information, but felt he share it, it’s obviously not work related, as Olivia had been maintaining.

If there was a possibility that Olivia might not tell her, it probably wasn’t health-related…or—wait—could it be?

Would Liv only tell her if she found out it was really bad news…or after she had recovered?

Did she think she had cancer? Surely she wouldn’t burden Noah with something that big to deal with on his own.

No, definitely not.

But if Liv had an illness and she could maybe cover it up indefinitely, that could track.

Nothing else came to mind.

She’d have to confront her. Liv may not know how to ask for support, but that didn’t mean she had to deal with it on her own.

*****

Olivia sensed a different vibe with Noah after Amanda left. She was suspicious. What had she missed?

“Got something to tell me?” She looked Noah in the eyes. “I feel like I interrupted something serious.”

“Uhhh…no.” Noah’s voice faltered. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Didn’t say anything about what, Noah?” The expression on her son’s face filling her with dread.

“Aunt Amanda’s worried about you. I said that I couldn’t tell her.”

“Okay, let’s go back a little.” Olivia tried to keep breathing. “Tell me exactly what she said.”

*****

After Noah was in bed, Olivia poured herself a generous glass of wine and dropped down on the couch, alone with her new dilemma.

Things had gone from bad to worse.

Now Amanda was convinced she had some kind of issue that she might help with, so Olivia knew that Amanda would be incapable of letting that go.

While Noah had kept her confidence, he’d still let slip that there was something she hadn’t told Amanda.

Amanda would never let that slide either.

So, now what?

Tell Amanda the truth? God, no.

Tell Amanda again that there was nothing to worry about?

She’d already tried that, and failed.

She’d have to think of something else. Come up with a plausible explanation for hiding something from Amanda without giving anything else away.

Something serious, but not too serious. Something that could be resolved quickly without anyone else having to know.

But what?

*****

Chapter Text

As luck would have it, neither Olivia nor Amanda would have to deal with the issue for a while.

Life took a sudden swerve, and it was more Tokyo Drift than lane change.

Carisi walked into a bodega midway through a robbery and, by the he walked out, his life was forever changed.

From that moment on, there would always be a ‘before’ and an ‘after’ for the three of them.

Olivia and Amanda joined forces to resolve the hostage situation and then closed ranks to deal with the fallout.

As the two women watched Carisi give flowers to the house of one of the girl’s later that night, the aftermath weighed heavily on them.

“He’s not okay, is he?” Amanda noted.

“No.” Olivia softly replied.

*****

They made it through the next day…and the next. Time seemed sluggish in the lead up to the trial, thick and muddy. Even everyday things became messy and tiring.

Carisi looked fractured, held together by a grim determination to proceed as though he was the same man who had walked into the bodega that day to order coffee, the light in his eyes replaced with something somber, a matte finish, dull and dark.

Amanda was clearly walking on eggshells around him, and Olivia was standing back, only moving in occasionally to show her support and quietly letting him know that she had his back if he needed her.

But Carisi was hurting, pure and simple. He raged internally at his failure to protect the young women in the bodega, the loss of his friend, his need to be rescued by Olivia, and a legal system that he knew would not even begin to repair the lives of everyone touched by the events of that day.

The incomprehensible cruelty and stupidity of the men whose only goal was to take what wasn’t theirs and destroy anything that got in their way was more than he could possibly cope with on his own, but he wasn’t able to ask for help yet.

The trial preparation had kept Carisi driven, but his capacity to handle what was left in its wake was a question nobody wanted to ask.

*****

Things slowly returned to something akin to normal, whatever ‘normal’ was for people who dealt with the victims and perpetrators of violent sexual crimes every day.

Amanda was grateful not to be teaching anymore, because if she had more time to think about what was going on with Carisi, the sheer strain of maintaining a stable environment for him and the kids might push her to breaking point.

Thank God Olivia was there for her and Dominick. She didn’t need to ask or tell Olivia anything unless she felt like blowing off steam. Olivia just knew. She’d been there— in the bodega offering herself for Carisi. Protecting them all with her life.

Of course, Olivia just accepted that as her role. She continued to work herself to the bone trying to balance her caseload, the squad, and raising a teenage boy, alongside the needs of her traumatised friends.

It was…a lot.

Amanda knew what it took for Olivia to be that port in the storm for everyone. She saw how much Liv gave. What she didn’t see was anyone giving back the unconditional support that she offered back to her.

Not that that was particularly unusual, Amanda considered. She really hadn’t been able to support Liv herself—Dominick and the kids had been taking all her time and energy.

The girls were just being themselves, a chaotic bundle of glitter and pancake demands, lost socks and squabbles over who took whose crayons to school that day.

Nicky was so easy in comparison, their oxytocin loop buffering the need for nighttime feedings and diaper changes.

Dominick, though, had morphed from cheerful companion and fundamental presence to a ghostlike automaton only barely able to muster the strength to keep participating in their lives.

He was obviously trying to be there, but the battle was real and he wasn’t talking about to anyone. He needed professional support, but he wasn’t ready to accept it.

The frustration of knowing that Carisi was prolonging the situation by refusing help was overwhelming. They were going in circles around emotions that would remain forever unresolved unless they were pulled out into the open and faced head on. Amanda was ready to work with him in any way possible, but he had to make some kind of step toward dealing with it.

*****

Days blurred into weeks in a kind of limbo.

Amanda became aware that her life needed to change. She needed to find some peace with what her life had become, even if it meant that she had to deal with everything essentially on her own again.

Dominick remained helpful at home, but his heart wasn’t really in it. They were, once again, friends, but something fundamental had shifted. The kids were a bridge, running back and forth, ensuring that they remained a family even when there was little else between them.

Amanda loved Dominick; that hadn’t changed, but she wondered if maybe they should have remained friends rather than getting married. Just because they’d moved to a more intimate relationship didn’t mean that it needed to go further.

The friendship was what was real, not the spur of the moment passion that she’d felt was a logical progression with someone who was a loyal and supportive friend. Dominick was, in her heart, the buddy who she watched reality tv with, the guy who cooked for her and the kids when they didn’t have other plans, the one she turned to when relationships went wrong and gave a sympathetic shoulder to when the situation was reversed.

She wasn’t lonely with him before, but she wasn’t completely whole either, even when before he put up the walls between them.

Amanda really wished she could be herself again. She thought of Olivia. She hadn’t seen much of her in a while, apart from the occasional case they shared.

Amanda suddenly realised just how much she missed spending time with Liv outside of work. The bonding over drinks and dinners, just the two of them hanging out. The intimacy of being able to themselves, teasing and challenging and sharing stories…and the D&Ms about their experiences and dreams.

Amanda realised that she couldn’t do that with anyone else. Certainly not with Carisi now but, even in the past, there were parts of herself that she needed to censor. Things she just didn’t want to reveal to him. Olivia knew stuff about her that Dominick would never be privy to.

She knew that Dominick had a kind of idealised version of her in his head. For him, she was a woman who he wanted to protect and a mother to children he adored.

Dominick wanted to look after them, support them…and, in return, he expected her to put spending time with him first and, although he might never actually say it out loud, to be a more traditional partner: a wife with more of a family focus, who didn’t want to spend all her time chasing perps and immersing herself in cases.

That was why he’d been so keen for her to lecture at Fordham. To keep her safe and spend more time with him and the kids.

It made her feel like she was trapped in cotton wool. Not that Amanda didn’t want to spend time with him and the kids, but just that work was a huge part of who she was as a person. Figuring out why criminals behaved the way they did and using that knowledge to find them before they committed even more crimes against people. Profiling, finding patterns, solving cases and arresting the perpetrators. To stop them from hunting and harming victims; to help victims and survivors.

Amanda was, in fact, a protector as much as Olivia was. Not someone who needed protection herself. She was certainly not averse to being looked after, she was brought up in the South, after all, but she was also a woman who had been forced to look after herself and her sister from an early age. She was still a very independent person, perfectly capable of finding her own opportunities and making her decisions. She didn’t want to give up that power to anyone, not even someone she loved.

Olivia understood that about her. Sure, they bumped heads over cases often enough, but she respected that. Their differences made them interesting; they challenged each other’s opinions and were stronger for it. They connected, even without articulating it. Across the room, they could come to a conclusion about a victim or suspect’s behaviour, or privately share a joke or a thought with just a look.

Amanda was in sync with Olivia. They both worked hard to balance their respective lives and the roles that they played. Olivia didn’t try to shelter Amanda from the world, she wanted to fight alongside her.

At the same time, Amanda could be vulnerable with Liv, relax about revealing her innermost feelings without worrying that she might provoke that instinctive reaction to take care of things for her that Carisi was unable to completely control.

Dominick tried hard to keep the traditional Italian male values that he was raised with in check, but that need to be the strong one in the relationship was hard for Dominick to let go of; he was instilled with a sense of responsibility from an early age and it was always going to be there simmering beneath the surface, fighting with his sense of equality and sensitivity, bubbling up in a cauldron of conflicting emotions that came to the boil whenever there was a crisis.

Carisi was a good man, a noble man who wanted nothing more than to be fair and kind and loving to his friends and family. A man who gave people the benefit of the doubt, who forgave people’s transgressions, and strove to serve justice in the fairest way possible. He was solid, dependable.

Amanda was, as Olivia once said, a wild card. A restless, sometimes reckless, and passionate soul. She didn’t want to be tamed.

Maybe that was the problem. Amanda wanted dependable, but craved passion.

Olivia was both, she realised.

Olivia saw her.

Olivia. It always came back to her.

Right from the beginning when Amanda had needed to push past her crush on the more senior detective that she’d been so impressed with through her research on SVU cases. Olivia was as beautiful as she was intelligent; insightful as she was courageous. She smitten, but it was clear Olivia had her mind on other things.

She’d fought hard for Olivia’s respect after a truly rough start and when she finally achieved it, it was worth more than gold.

Olivia. Always supportive, but never stifling. Protective from a distance, but always giving Amanda the space to try a different approach, take a risk, still watching her back if anything went wrong. Running with her into trouble, not away from it, going undercover in risky situations and laughing about it later. A partnership of equals.

That time in the bar and later in the motel, the pair of them stringing along that creep with the cameras. Liv had been so sexy that night. Forget the sleezebag, Amanda was all in. She didn’t know how far Liv would actually take the act with the perp, but she couldn’t help wondering what might’ve happened if she hadn’t stupidly used that moment to mention the job at Fordham and ruined the whole night.

That was partly why she had run away. She couldn’t bare to see how much pain she’d caused Liv, how she’d wounded her. It was more than she could bear that Olivia felt she’d betrayed her, just when she was at her most vulnerable.

Amanda knew she’d broken Olivia’s heart a little that night, changed everything between them—and for what? Grading term papers? What was she thinking?

Amanda couldn’t believe that she had lasted at Fordham as long as she did and, even though the squad was fully staffed preventing her return, Liv was clearly thrilled about Amanda’s return to the NYPD and welcomed her presence on any case that overlapped. Olivia hadn’t tried to convince her of anything; even though Amanda knew Olivia wanted her near, Liv sensed Amanda’s need to grow and didn’t want to hold her back.

Amanda remembered teaming up on that first case when she was with back in the NYPD in Intelligence, in the room with Olivia. Of how she’d finally felt like she was seen again. The spark of working in the field with Liv…the excitement of just being in Olivia’s presence, both of them in their element, finally feeling…free.

Olivia was magnetic, just being close to her was intoxicating.

Amanda needed Olivia, to reconnect on a personal level.

Needed.

On a personal level.

Maybe their relationship was more than friendship, Amanda wondered.

Did Olivia feel that too? The ease with which they’d sexually approached that creep in the hotel together, and the utter devastation that Olivia so obviously felt when Amanda talked of leaving…that was…intense.

Perhaps they needed an evening to themselves to relax again. To find out how that night might’ve ended, given the chance…

Chapter Text

The bar was, as most bars are, pretty dark. Olivia thanked God she’d never had to Luminol this place before because she didn’t want to even imagine what that would reveal.

She sat perched at the bar itself, nursing a glass of wine, overdressed and far too upright for a dive like this, clearly tense about something. Waiting for someone.

Olivia considered her surroundings.

This wasn’t her regular kind of establishment.

It was the kind of place where you ended up with the gang from work after a hard case. It was named something Irish, and the odd paper clover leaf adorned various spaces on the walls. There was a lot of green.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before, ma’am.” Amanda slid onto the stool next to her, bumping her intentionally as she did so.

“Well, I tend to hook up and leave pretty early.” Liv retorted.

“Yeah, that’s why I picked it.”

“Just why did you pick this place, Amanda?” Olivia questioned.

“I was thinking about that night when we caught that perv in the motel. Given how it ended, I thought we needed a do-over.”

“I hope you’re not suggesting we pick up one of these…patrons for a threesome.” Olivia smirked.

“Sleezebags are not required tonight, no,” Amanda replied. “Just the two us doing some serious female bonding over alcohol and food. This is merely the first stop on our tour this evening.”

“Hence your request to have Noah stay with friends tonight. Okay…what’s next on your itinerary this evening?” Liv probed, intrigued.

“Finish your wine and you’ll find out.”

Olivia tossed back the rest of her wine.

“Bring it on, Rollins. You’re in charge.”

*****

It wasn’t too far to the much trendier wine bar Amanda had selected for their next destination.

They ordered a bottle of cabernet, pairing it with tapas. Instantly comfortable in each other’s company, they chatted about anything and everything, enjoying their wine and nibbling on an array of bite-sized delicacies.

“See, I can do classy,” Amanda joked. “This is nice, huh? Definitely no boxed wine here.”

“Mmm…so much better.” Olivia thought she detected a note of blackberries in the last drops of wine in her glass. She was feeling the buzz, relaxing into the vibe.

“The tapas is delicious,” Amanda mused, “But it’s not exactly…filling.”

“Still hungry, Amanda?” Olivia smirked.

“I’m just saying…I think I might have room for something…less sophisticated. In keeping with our do-over.”

“You better be talking about pizza and not more boxed wine.”

“Funny you should say ‘pizza’… I may know of a great pizza place just near our hotel.”

“‘Our hotel’? You really are taking this re-enactment seriously, huh?”

“Well, if you’re going to do something properly…”

“Okay, okay. Since you went to so much effort, let’s go. Seems like we’re finished here anyway.” Olivia indicated their empty glasses.

*****

The room was spacious, almost glamorous, in an upmarket hotel.

It also smelled like fresh Italian gourmet pizza.

“Well, now we’ve swept the place for cameras, I think we can relax and eat our pizza.”

“I need to get these heels off first.” Olivia leaned back on one of the double beds and put her feet up. “Oh yeah, that’s better. This is lovely, Amanda…and definitely a step up from our last accommodation.” She picked up a large slice of pizza and savoured the taste, giving a small hum of appreciation.

“What made you decide on this little adventure, this do-over, all of a sudden, anyway?”

“Well…I got to thinkin’—” Amanda finished a mouthful, “we were having fun that night. Bein’ ourselves, kickin’ back and gossipin’… I never wanted it to end like that. It shoulda been a good memory, not endin’ up the way it did.” Amanda’s accent was getting more Southern as the alcohol loosened her up.

“I couldn’t take back how I hurt you, but I hoped we could…maybe recreate the vibe but change the ending?” Amanda winced, slightly embarrassed. “How did I do?”

Olivia reached out a hand and touched Amanda’s face, meeting her eyes.

“You did great, Amanda. This was a wonderful gesture. I had no idea that was still weighing on you.”

“I wanted to make it up to you.”

Olivia held her gaze for a moment longer than necessary.

“You have. This was a lovely surprise.”

This time Olivia looked down, and took a deep breath. “…And now I think I’ll go to the bathroom and put on one of those fluffy robes that I saw hanging in the closet and get more comfortable.”

Amanda grinned cheekily. “There’s somethin’ else about this room that’s an upgrade. Check out the bathroom.”

Olivia grabbed another slice of pizza and peeked through the bathroom door.

“Ohhh…wow. A spa tub. You really went all out.”

“Well…it seemed like a nice idea…I wanted to make it a treat.” Amanda looked softly at Olivia. “Have a nice soak. I’ll clean up here and check my messages.”

Once she heard the bath water running, Amanda unlocked her phone and scrolled through to her texts from Carisi as she finished the pizza.

—Tonight’s dinner debate: Marshmallows are vegetables because you have them as a side dish for Thanksgiving. Billie is persuasive. Jesse’s not completely convinced, but she’s open to it.

She chuckled and replied.

Don’t look to me as a decider. I rate pizza as a food group, with chocolate at the top of the pyramid.

—Yeah, I’m pretty sure pancakes are somewhere in the middle for you. Are you having a good time?

Yeah, we are. Like old times.

—Glad to hear it. Nicky and the girls wanted to say goodnight earlier but I told them that you had the night off and would be home in the morning to get them ready for school.

Amanda lay back on the bed and sighed. ‘The night off.’ He made it sound like a job, not a life. And why tell the girls she’d be back so early? She certainly hadn’t indicated anything of the sort to him.

You shouldn’t have gotten their hopes up, Dominick. I’m not sure what time I’ll get home, actually.

—Oh. Right.

—Give my best to Liv. X

Yeah, I will. Goodnight, Dominick. X

Putting down her phone, Amanda quietly seethed at the emotional blackmail in the subtext of their conversation. It had started off so lightly, too. Damn.

Fortunately she’d had enough alcohol to feel relaxed and happy, but not so much that she was fully inebriated. A text wasn’t going to be enough to spoil this evening for her.

*****

Amanda tidied the empty pizza box into the wastebasket and sat down again, browsing through the hotel magazine.

A hesitant voice came through the bathroom door, breaking her thoughts. “Amanda?”

“Liv, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah—well, no, not exactly…” Liv’s voice wavered.

“Liv?”

“I’m stuck.”

“Stuck where?”

“In the tub. I slipped back in. I’m…I’m going to need you to help me up.”

Amanda couldn’t help but giggle.

“It’s not funny, Amanda.” Olivia growled.

“It kinda is.” Amanda tried to compose herself. “Okay, I’m coming in.”

“Wait! You can’t look.”

“How can I help you if I can’t see?”

“I don’t know!” Olivia wailed, starting to laugh herself. “But I don’t want you to see me like this!”

“We’re both women, Liv.”

“Yeah, but you’re slim and fit and young and I’m…older…and stuff.”

“Well, the way I see it, you’re sexy and shapely and I’m a string bean with stretch marks, so surely that makes us even.”

“It doesn’t.” Amanda could almost hear Olivia’s pout through the door.

“Okay, honey, how about I take off my clothes and come in naked too? Would that make you less uncomfortable?”

“Not sure that’s a logical solution, but I can’t think of anything else, so…I guess?”

Before she could overthink it, Amanda found the second robe to have it ready to grab, stripped naked and opened the bathroom door.

“Brace yourself, I’m coming in!”

What she saw in the tub completely threw her for a second. Olivia was sliding around on her back in the water grabbing onto one side of the bathtub with one hand while her other arm and legs flailed in the air.

Amanda exploded in laughter. Not just regular laughter, but the kind that makes you snort and interferes with bodily functions.

Olivia, seeing the situation through Amanda’s eyes, joined in for a moment as she watched her friend fall apart in front of her, completely naked and uninhibited as she shook, failing to recover from her initial shock at the situation Olivia had found herself in.

Olivia didn’t feel so vulnerable anymore, despite being the source of amusement.

“10-13! Officer down!” Amanda spluttered.

“Get it together, sergeant!” Olivia responded, before adding, “If you call a bus, you will regret it.”

Once Amanda had mustered up the strength to control her giggles, she faced Liv and, somehow, between the two of them, they managed to wrangle Liv onto her feet and out of the spa tub.

As Olivia reached for her robe, Amanda finally let her eyes wander over Olivia’s voluptuous curves.

“O captain, my captain…” she whispered under her breath.

“You are gorgeous, you know, Liv. You have nothing to be shy about with a figure like this.”

Liv stopped and allowed herself to truly take in Amanda’s figure, now that she felt she had permission after Amanda’s appraisal.

She got lost for a minute before swallowing. “Neither do you, Georgia Peach. String bean, my ass. You’re even more gorgeous than I imagined.”

“You imagined me?” Amanda smirked.

Olivia looked mortified, realising her slip.

“Don’t panic, Liv, I imagined you too.” Amanda quickly reassured.

“You did? Why?” Olivia looked truly mystified, as she pulled on her robe.

“Are you kidding me? You’re so sexy, even at work when you’re covering everything up. You can really rock a leather coat, you know…and there is always the occasional cleavage to look forward to.” Amanda pulled her robe on too. “Not to mention that black dress at the gala.”

They kept up the banter as they moved back into the bedroom.

“You can talk, Miss Tight Jeans and Leather Jackets.”

“Hey, it’s been a while since I wore those jackets, hasn’t it? How long have you been imagining me, exactly?”

“Maybe a while. Not consciously at first.”

“But later?”

“I don’t know, one day I looked back on things and…noticed that I noticed.”

It suddenly clicked and a lightbulb flicked on inside Amanda’s head.

“You noticed…or Noah noticed?”

Olivia shut her eyes before answering. “Noah noticed. He said his gaydar picked up on it.”

“This what he wouldn’t tell me…when I asked why you were avoiding me.” Amanda’s heart pounded. “And all that time I was looking at you too. God, Liv. We’re supposed to be the detectives.”

“My teenage son had to tell me.” Olivia shook her head. “He thought it was obvious and I must’ve known.”

“That must’ve been an awkward conversation.”

“You have no idea.”

“Poor kid. He’s still at that age where he thinks adults know everything, yet starting to realise how clueless we can be. Contempt comes next, if I recall correctly.”

“I’m gonna nip that in the bud.”

“Good luck with that. Jesse is scarily precocious in that way.”

“You said you also imagined me…naked?” Olivia fished.

“From day one, sorry.” Amanda looked abashed. “I…I never let myself think about it for too long, though. I didn’t think you’d…find it appropriate. So I decided to bury it. And I didn’t put two and two together either, until fairly recently—that the feeling might be mutual, that is.”

“Hmmm.” Olivia chuckled and paused. “I feel underwear is probably in order here, if we’re going to this conversation in bed. It’s not like you gave me the opportunity to pack pyjamas.” She muttered as she padded back to the bathroom.

“Sure, if you want.” Amanda replied casually.

A few minutes later, returning to the bedroom, Olivia stopped dead in her tracks, transfixed.

When she was finally able to form words, she choked, “The underwear was supposed to put a damper on things, not light a fire.”

Amanda was lying on her side, wearing something lacy from the Victoria’s Secret catalog accentuating every curve in a translucent blue. The matching push-up bra and panties set was not something casually worn; like her pose, it was a decision designed to seduce.

“You didn’t specify.” Amanda teased, then paused, checking Olivia out. “Did you have other plans for later, Liv?”

Amanda regarded Olivia’s own lingerie in black lace. Her bra boldly thrust Olivia’s full breasts upward and, although her matching panties were a little more modest than Amanda’s, they definitely incited thoughts of the possibilities that lay beneath once they were removed.

Amanda panicked for a second. “Oh no! Did you have plans? Did I—”

“Amanda! No! I just…needed a little…pretty.”

“Pretty hid in the drawer, Liv, sex symbol leaped out and roared.”

“Pretty might’ve needed some help with her self esteem…” Olivia bit her lip.

“Damn, Liv, I need some help with my self esteem now!” Amanda moved toward her from the bed to regard Liv properly.

As Olivia also allowed herself to fully drink in the effect that the blue lace had on Amanda’s skin, she was unable to suppress her feelings of desire any longer.

“I wore this for you, you know.” Amanda admitted, shyly.

“Amanda—” Olivia’s eyes said more than she could articulate.

Amanda moved forward then, closing the space between them and kissing Olivia on lips, softly at first, then more passionately as the kiss was returned. Their tongues met tentatively, exploring and dancing around each other in a quiet rhythm of desire.

Their hands explored too, touching lace and the hot flesh beneath, cupping breasts and sliding over skin, hungrily mapping each other’s bodies for the first time.

They moved together onto the bed, Amanda unclasping her own bra and guiding Olivia’s hands to her naked breasts till they held her, like shells on a mermaid.

While Liv’s hands were busy massaging her soft breasts and now hardened nipples, Amanda reached around and undid Olivia’s bra too, so she could have the access she needed.

Olivia’s full breasts were sensitive, she could tell, on the slightest touch her skin tightened and her nipples grew harder.

Amanda pulled her against her, pushing her leg between Olivia’s to put pressure where Liv needed it most. Olivia shuddered with the contact, her heat on Amanda’s thigh giving Amanda the confidence to ask if she could use her hand.

Olivia’s nonverbal response was clearly enthusiastic. Amanda’s fingers explored beneath Olivia’s panties, finding an even wetter environment than she’d expected. She pulled them off to remove the final barrier between them and cupped Olivia’s pubis before seeking permission to continue.

Her middle finger then touched Liv’s clit and began to circle. As she intensified her movements, Amanda alternated between circling and thrusting into Olivia’s core, finding a rhythm that suited them both, until Liv finally broke apart beneath her in a massive climax followed by tiny electric shocks of pleasure and release.

When Amanda gently removed her hand, she brought her fingers to her lips and tasted Olivia for the first time. It was…Olivia. There was no other way to describe the warm, heady mixture of flavour and scent that filled Amanda’s mouth with a need for more. She kissed Olivia like her life depended on it, plunging deep with a lust she’d never truly felt before, then moved down her body to fully drink in Liv’s tender labia and gently brought her to a second orgasm, penetrating her with her tongue this time and feeling Liv’s walls contract around her before the dam burst and she was flooded in Olivia’s juices.

“Ohhh, Amanda…” Olivia gasped, panting. “I…need to…feel you—taste you, too.”

Amanda wiped her face and came up for air, then Olivia rolled her over onto her back, so that she could gain access.

Olivia took no time to pull down Amanda’s obviously drenched blue lace panties. A tiny patch of light brown hair glistened with Amanda’s juices, and Olivia breathed her in before pushing her tongue in to find a way to connect with Amanda’s pleasure centre.

Amanda’s back arched as Liv’s tongue hit its mark and began darting and swirling in complex patterns designed to stimulate and coax Amanda toward the blissful release Olivia wanted so much to give.

It didn’t take long. Amanda was more than ready to let go by the time Liv started using her fingers to thrust in and out and her mind soon exploded with a sensation of pure pleasure washing over her in waves.

After the ripples subsided, Amanda drifted back to reality and pulled Olivia close, wrapping a leg over Olivia’s in the process.

“You…you’re amazing.”

“Mmmm…you too. You taste like heaven melted.”

“You taste like cabernet.”

“I’m so glad you didn’t say ‘pizza’.” Liv chuckled.

Amanda giggled too, then wiggled her eyebrows. “But I love eating pizza.”

“I don’t even know what to do with that comment.” Olivia bit her lip. “But I’m going to make an effort to take it as a compliment.”

“Let’s get under these covers before we cool down again.” She suggested drowsily.

“Okay, but we’re spooning anyway.” Amanda snuggled in behind Liv, pulling her in.

“I knew you’d want to be the big spoon.” Olivia mumbled as she drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Amanda woke up in Olivia’s arms, her head nuzzled into her lover’s neck like she’d always slept there.

“Morning sleepyhead.”

Amanda rolled onto her back and stretched. “Good morning to you too.”

Olivia watched her, a certain seriousness falling across her face.

“This doesn’t feel like it was an accident.”

“Honestly? I’m not sure it was.” Amanda admitted.

“The beautiful hotel room, the spa, no chance to pack pyjamas…”

“I…yeah, you got me. I hoped it might encourage a little…romance.”

“What was it that suddenly made you think that I might be open to that, exactly?”

“Just…a feeling. Probably more of a hope really.”

“And if I didn’t…respond to your advances? You were taking a heck of a risk.”

“If the vibe wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have made any advances. You’d never have known.”

“I see.” Olivia suddenly looked sad.

“But you did, and…here we are.” Amanda kissed her shoulder softly. “And unless you’re about to run, I certainly won’t.”

“Sooo…what are we doing here then, Amanda?” Olivia’s voice was tender. “You’re married to one of my best friends, remember?”

“Please don’t remind me.” Amanda reached over and stroked the side of Liv’s face. “I—I want this…and now I know you want this too. It means everything to me…”

“Amanda, you have children—a baby…” Olivia replied sensibly. “A husband who adores you.”

“‘Adore’ is certainly the right word.” Amanda muttered. “He adores the version of me that lives in his head…”

Olivia tilted her head, picking up on something in Amanda’s tone.

“What do you mean, Amanda? Is there something else going on here? I thought you were happy.”

“I just think he’s got this picture of me in his head where I’m the stereotypical wife who wants to stay safe at home with the kids.” She answered. “I feel…pigeonholed? Like any part of me that falls outside of that is disappointing in some way? Like I’m supposed to put what ‘we’ want first, even if it’s not necessarily what I want.

“Before we got together I chose what was best for me and the kids, and he was so supportive of that. There were no questions, no expectations. I guess I was used to that. Now it’s like my decisions have to be approved; I have to campaign for everything.”

“Lots people with young children feel trapped into the role of parent at times, Amanda—isn’t marriage supposed to be full of shared decisions and compromises?”

“It’s not just that, Liv. Dominic makes most of the big decisions now. He basically organised Fordham to keep me home with the kids more. I wasn’t actually looking to leave SVU.”

Olivia pulled back in surprise. “I thought you wanted to leave.”

“Well, not really—I mean, yeah, I was interested when he told me about the opportunity—I was flattered—you know I was working through some things after the shooting, and then he said that they had offered me the seminar. I really enjoyed it…but I didn’t apply for the full-time teaching position myself. Dominic was the one who talked to someone there about it.”

“He just wrapped it up in a bow for you and offered it as a gift?”

“Kinda.”

“Is that the only time he’s done that?” Olivia’s gentle, but insistent, tone sounded distinctly professional now.

“You’re looking for a pattern.” Amanda stated.

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“Hmmm…it’s not that easy. I mean, I wanted to get married…eventually, I guess, but I probably wouldn’t have chosen to do it in a courthouse on my own.”

“I did wonder at the time.”

“It’s not like he’s trying to hurt me…but he’s kinda good at making his decisions look like our decisions.”

“It is sounding very close to coercive behaviour though, Amanda.”

“He didn’t get angry when I wanted to come back, though. Maybe a little disappointed…Then you didn’t have room in your squad so I got into Intelligence. I mean, he wasn’t exactly thrilled about me leaving Fordham, but he wasn’t nasty or anything. He even put in a good word for me at 1PP without me asking.”

Olivia just looked at her.

“So…he helped orchestrate that too.”

Realisation washed over Amanda.

“Mmmhmm. That’s not good, is it.” It wasn’t a question.

“Not really, no.”

“It didn’t occur to me at the time.” Amanda paused before adding, “That day in the bodega, and then Deonte changing his plea…I thought he might do something after the trial but nothing’s changed. I just—he’s not coping, you know? He won’t get help, and he obviously needs it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t read him anymore. He’s locked himself away and I can’t reach him.”

“The other behaviour you described started long before that though, didn’t it?” Olivia wasn’t letting it go.

“Mmm. I don’t feel like it’s escalating or anything though. I just meant…I’m worried about him. I can’t…I can’t leave him right now. Not while he’s still dealing with this. I’m scared he’ll break.”

“I get that…and we do have to help him get through this, but not at your expense.” Olivia considered. “Are you really sure that you even want to leave him? You don’t want to try and get counselling together and work things out?”

“Are you kidding me? Carisi doesn’t do therapy. I’ve been trying for months to get him to see someone.” Amanda locked eyes with Olivia. “I do love him, but I’m not in love with him…and after last night, I know he’s not the one I really want.”

Olivia smiled before double checking, “Well, ummm…still…one night of mind-blowing sex isn’t necessarily enough to leave your husband for…”

“It was mind blowing, though, wasn’t it?” Amanda grinned. “Seriously, though, you know that it’s more than that. Sex was just…the last piece of the puzzle.”

“Plus it better not be just one night, because we’ve both been fantasising for years about each other.” She smirked.

Olivia relaxed a little. “I just wanted to be sure that you weren’t making any hasty decisions on my account. Something that huge has to be a decision for its own reasons, not one influenced by…intimacy with someone else. You can still try again, if you want.”

Amanda, of course, read between the lines.

“No, Olivia, you are not coercing me.”

Amanda looked Olivia in the eyes, understanding the underlying vulnerability there.

“But I do want to be with you, if you want that too.”

“I do. I do want that.” Olivia confirmed.

“And I definitely want more of that mind-blowing sex.”

Olivia grinned then. “Oh definitely…mmm…what time is it?”

“I got us a late checkout.”

“Bold.”

“Hopeful.”

“Kiss me.”

Chapter Text

Olivia slipped home to shower and change before heading to the station, avoiding the walk of shame in front of her squad.

Her lateness was noted, but not commented on. As their captain, there were certain advantages to the autonomy of her role.

After she’d had time to settle into her desk, an inquisitive sergeant appeared in her doorway. A large cup of coffee was held in one hand, a donut in the other.

“Sorry to interrupt, Liv, but you didn’t look like you’d had time to eat.” Fin’s eyes sparkled.

“Thank you, Sergeant.” Olivia looked over her reading glasses, setting her desired boundary with the use of his title.

Fin just smiled knowingly.

“You don’t have to tell me.” He passed her the offerings. “But just know that I’m glad you got to…maybe…loosen up…last night? You look like you had a good time.”

Olivia blushed a little under her tanned skin.

“Anything else, Fin?”

“Nope. Enjoy your donut.”

He turned and walked away.

This is going to be a long day. Olivia sighed.

*****

“Liv in her office?” Amanda asked, walking through.

“Yeah, she’s in…and she looks like she didn’t get much sleep…in a good way.” Fin smirked.

Amanda smiled noncommittally. “Good for her.”

She tapped on Liv’s door, finding her deep in paperwork.

“Captain?”

“Amanda.” Olivia held back a grin. “Close the door?”

She quietly closed the door behind her and they sat on the couch. “So, Fin’s way too good at his job.”

“What did he say to you?”

“That you didn’t look like you got much sleep… ‘in a good way’.” Amanda looked tenderly at Olivia. “We need to be careful for a while, Liv. I need to approach Dominic in the right way…and the last thing we want is for him to think is that he’s the last person to know. He’s going to feel humiliated as it is, when the squad finds out.”

“I know. It’s not easy with Fin watching me, though.”

“Mmm-hm. Not sure what we’re gonna do about that.”

“Play it by ear, I think. On a need to know basis, so he doesn’t accidentally tip Carisi off before you’re ready.”

“Yeah, that’s probably the best idea.” Amanda considered. “I’ll leave it up to you. I trust your judgment. And I trust Fin.”

“But that’s not why you’re here.”

“No.” Her eyes sparkled. “I just wanted to check in. See you.”

“I’m glad you saved me the anxiety of calling.” Olivia admitted. “I wanted to see you too. No second thoughts?”

“None. I meant what I said, Liv. I’m not changing my mind.”

“Good. I hoped you’d say that.”

“I just wish we’d worked things out earlier.”

“Me too.” Olivia said sadly.

“Better late than never though, right?” Amanda smiled ruefully.

“Definitely.” Then, “Did you see Carisi when you got home?”

“He’d already left. I’m heading over there now.” She got up and headed for the door. “I’ll text you.”

“Be safe, Amanda.”

“I will.”

*****

Olivia waited for sufficient time to elapse before looking into the squad room.

“Fin? My office.”

Fin followed his Captain.

“Shut the door.”

“What’s up Cap, there a problem?” Fin was genuinely concerned.

“About earlier…”

“Sorry, Liv, I overstepped. I was just happy to see you happy.” He apologised.

“It’s just…It’s a delicate situation. I don’t want any gossip in the squad room…or anywhere else.” Olivia was solemn. She looked like her life depended on this.

Fin’s face fell. “Is everythin’ a’ight? Somethin’ changed since earlier?”

“No Fin, I’m just aware of my position and…there are people who could get hurt.”

Fin looked surprised.

“Okay. I won’t say another word. But Liv?” He regarded her seriously. “If you need help, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks Fin.”

*****

The two were careful not to change their patterns of communication at work.

As was their ritual now, Amanda texted Olivia at the end of the day.

How was your day?

—Carisi did not make my life easy. He’s trying to prove himself by being a hardass.

The 50 pedos case? He seemed pleased

—He was. I was not. An innocent got caught up in the sting.

He couldn’t see it?

—Not at first, but I twisted his arm.

Good for you. Got time for a drink?

—Carisi working?

Told me not to wait up. The sitter can stay a bit later.

—Noah’s at a friend’s place for dinner.

How soon can you leave work?

—How soon can you be at my apartment?

Let’s find out

*****

“Looks like I’m the rotten egg.” Amanda said, walking through the door.

“I don’t know…you smell pretty good to me, Rollins.”

“I didn’t even put perfume on today.”

“I know.”

“Why, Captain, you noticed.”

“I notice a lot of things, Sergeant. Like no panty line.”

“Wow, you really do like to watch my six. We barely crossed paths today.”

“I’m a quick study.”

“Oh, is that what we’re calling it now?”

“I’m majoring in Rollins. I hope to practice one day.”

“I hear the pay sucks.”

“Maybe, but the perks are irresistible.”

“I like this side of you.”

“I like both sides of you.”

“We’re in the wrong room.”

“Let’s fix that.”

*****

They dozed afterwards, enjoying the post orgasm haze. Olivia traced little patterns on Amanda’s palm before placing it to her lips and kissing the centre.

“You smell…familiar.”

“Eau de Olivia Benson. My new favourite scent.”

“You’d better wash that off before you get home.”

“Awww…you think?”

Olivia chuckled. “Aside from subtlety, there is a hygiene factor.”

“Aside from subtlety, I could ignore the hygiene factor for one night.”

“Good thing you have a tooth brush here now, too.”

“Makes me long for a convenient undercover operation.” Amanda murmured as she headed for the bathroom.

“You longing for a bad back from sleeping in a car all night or just the pain of wondering when you’re gonna be able to pee again?” Olivia smirked, knowingly.

“Fair point. It was worth it to catch you asleep sometimes though.”

“Or see your hair glistening in the morning sun.”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “And we didn’t know.”

Olivia shook her head. “I should hand in my captain’s badge.”

*****

Noah bounded through the door. “Mom! I’m home!”

“Hello, my sweet boy.”

“Hi—Aunt Amanda? I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“It was a last minute thing, champ.” Amanda didn’t realise that she was still adjusting her shirt.

“Did you spill something?”

“Huh? Oh—yeah, just a little tea. I gotta go, kiddo, we’ll catch up later, okay?” Amanda hustled out the door.

Noah walked into the kitchen to get a cookie.

“I thought you had dinner already?” Olivia noted the cookie in his hand.

Noah smiled.

“I thought you had tea.” Noah placed his hand on the cold kettle.

Olivia blushed.

Chapter Text

Olivia sipped at her coffee. “So, Noah’s let me know that we’re not fooling him.”

Amanda’s eyes widened.

“He put his hand on the cold kettle after you left.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

“Me either,” Olivia considered. “He was obviously already suspicious.”

“Well he did trigger your gay awakening.”

“True. It’s disconcerting how astute he is. I forget sometimes that I’m dealing with a teenager now,” Olivia mused. “There are some conversations that I need to have with him.”

“It’s a little late for the ‘birds and the bees’, isn’t it?” Amanda looked shocked.

“Not that—I’ve always given him age-appropriate information about sex. It’s the more complex stuff: condoms, sexting…not necessarily articulating everything you observe, so you don’t embarrass people…”

“That’s fair,” Amanda smiled. “Little rascal.”

“Not-so-little rascal.” Olivia said wistfully. “My sweet boy is becoming a man.”

*****

“You heading out to see Olivia again?” Dominick queried. “Didn’t you have coffee already today?”

Amanda stopped short. “You been spyin’ on me?”

“I was walking by. You too seemed…cosy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just sayin’…you’re spending less time at home…more time with Olivia,” he considered, pausing like he didn’t exactly want to ask, but unable to leave it completely alone. “You seem…happier after being with her.”

“Shouldn’t I be? We’re good friends,” Amanda defended.

Dominick thought for a moment. “Maybe we should invite her round for dinner. Just the three of us, like old times.”

“Okay…sure, I’ll ask her.”

“Don’t be too late, okay.”

“Okay.”

*****

“He’s suspicious. Wants the three of us to have dinner,” Amanda announced.

“Okay…well we used to do that.” Olivia tilted her head. “You think it’s a test.”

“I dunno. Maybe?”

“You’re going to have to tell him soon. If he’s starting to wonder, it’s only a matter of time,” Olivia reasoned.

“Mmm. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant. It’s been over a month now.”

“Maybe because you’re unsure of how badly he’ll react?” Olivia was sympathetic. “It’s going to impact the girls too. Not to mention Nicky.”

“I really wanted to give them stability…and now I going to take it away from them,” Amanda slumped. “I really screwed everything up. Dominick may never want to see them again and it’s all my fault.”

“I can’t see Carisi abandoning the girls, Amanda. He’s helped raise them since they were born,” Olivia considered. “If we can do this sensitively, maybe it won’t trigger him into an extreme reaction. I mean, if he’s suspecting we’ve gotten closer, then it’s not going to be such a surprise.”

“Maybe. I could be overthinking it,” Amanda sighed. “It’s gotta happen sometime.”

Olivia reached across the table and squeezed Amanda’s hand.

“We can do this.”

*****

Carisi opened the door, releasing an aroma of freshly cooked Italian food.

“Wow. Smells great, Carisi. I can tell you kept Amanda out of the kitchen.” Olivia held out a bottle of red wine. “This should pair well with the meal.”

“Can’t wait to try it.” Dominick ushered her in.

“Amanda? Liv’s here.”

“Okay, I’ll be out in a minute,” Amanda tried to be nonchalant. She had deliberately gone to the bedroom to avoid the greeting with Dominick.

As she entered the room, she held herself back. “Olivia. Thanks for coming over. Dominick’s cooked one of his specialties—lasagne. Come, sit down and I’ll pour the wine.”

Amanda’s heart was pounding with anxiety as she walked towards the kitchen. She could see Olivia was trying her best not to show her own stress, but there was tension there beneath the mask.

“Thanks Amanda. I was just telling Carisi—it smells amazing.”

Carisi appeared then with a huge dish of lasagne and a bowl of salad. Amanda followed with the wine.

Dinner was surprisingly comfortable considering the disposition of the company at the table. Wine was consumed with as much gusto as the lasagne, so the conversation flowed freely as they loosened up and filled their stomachs.

Carisi insisted on dessert and coffee and, while he was in the kitchen Amanda and Olivia exchanged glances conveying that something needed to be said soon or else it would have to wait for another occasion.

As Dominick sat down and encouraged them to start, he casually paused and said, “So are we going to talk about the elephant in the room, or what?”

The women were stunned, not daring to even look at each other.

“It seems like you want to talk, Carisi,” Olivia wanted him to continue to feel in control, at least for now, and find out how much he knew. “Feel free to start.”

“Dominick?” Amanda raised an eyebrow, “something you want to say?”

“How long have the two of you been sleeping together?” He stated bluntly.

The women looked at each other, blood draining from their faces. Whatever they were expecting, they weren’t quite expecting that.

“Umm. How long have you suspected?” Amanda ventured hesitantly.

“I’ve suspected for a while. I’ve known for about a week. Let’s just say, I do the washing here sometimes.”

“Oh.” Amanda really wanted the floor to swallow her up at that moment. “Okay, well, we were going to raise it tonight, but you seem to have beaten us to it.”

“What, you couldn’t face me alone, Amanda?” He was both annoyed and hurt; it was hard to work out which emotion dominated. “You needed backup?”

“It concerns all of us, Dominick. We work together. If Olivia wasn’t here too, it would be even more awkward for the two of you in the office.”

“Oh, okay.” He threw his head back. “Because it’s gonna be so much easier seeing my wife’s lover every day and knowing that everybody knows that you left me for another woman.”

“Dominick…”

“No, really, does anyone else know you’ve been fucking each other behind my back?” Carisi’s face was red with outrage; Olivia’s with embarrassment.

“Carisi, nobody knows anything. You have my word,” Olivia tried to reassure him.

“Okay, well, yeah, I guess that’s something,” he looked down, trying to hold it together. “Of course, if you were planning on telling me, and you considered how it might look, you two obviously do want to go public with this.”

“We want to be together permanently, Dominick, but it wasn’t our intention to humiliate you,” Amanda said softly.

“I’m not sure that can be avoided, given the situation, but I appreciate that small accommodation,” Dominick huffed.

“So, what happens now—are you kicking me out, leaving me, or what? We co-habit till we work things out with the kids?” He had clearly been giving the situation some thought. “What about Nicky and the girls? Nicky’s still breastfeeding, so where does that leave me?”

“Well, I think we need to ease the girls into this…change of situation.” Amanda offered. “And Nicky needs the both of us right now. I was hoping maybe we could live together in separate rooms for a while and I could go back and forth to Olivia’s. Ease the girls into being with Olivia and Noah as well as just being with you.”

“My place is a little small…Amanda and I will have to find something bigger for the six of us permanently.”

“I don’t want to take the girls away from you, Dominick. You’ve always been in their lives. They love you.”

“Yeah. Good,” Carisi accepted. “Now for work. When were you planning to disclose to the Brass?”

“We can start the process tomorrow. There’s no point making you pretend that you don’t know,” Olivia offered. “Unless you’d be more comfortable waiting a few days.”

“I don’t think a few days is gonna make a difference, Olivia. I wanna get this over with.”

“How about us working together, Carisi? How do you feel about that?”

“Jesus, Liv,” he shook his head. “I’ll just have to deal with it, I guess. It’s not like I have a choice if I wanna keep my job. I suppose I’ll have to get used to it.”

“I am sorry, Carisi. We want to make this as easy as possible. For everyone.” Olivia hated the situation almost as much as he did. “I’m sure we can all handle this professionally…and maybe, still be friends again…eventually?”

“Liv, I respect you. Even though—well, you know… We are friends. I—I want it to stay that way. I’m gonna need a little time.” Dominick swallowed.

“I can’t say I won’t find it hard right now, though. I hope you’ll gimme a little leeway while I adjust.” He addressed his former boss and now close colleague.

“I can’t pretend that it’s gonna be as easy at home with you though, Amanda.” He gritted his teeth slightly and wiped a tear from his eye.

“You’ve betrayed my trust. You’ve broken my heart…and now you’re tearing our family apart. You shoulda told me. You shoulda…” Dominick’s voice trailed off.

“…I gotta get some air. Amanda, go to Olivia’s tonight. I’ll take care of Nicky and the girls here. I just really don’t want to see you right now.”

Chapter Text

“Well, that happened,” Amanda finally verbalised in the car.

“I’m surprised he held it in so long, considering,” Olivia replied.

“When he said he’d done the washing? I thought I was gonna die of embarrassment.”

“We should have been more careful,” Olivia acknowledged, ruefully.

“It’s not my fault that you make me so horny,” Amanda huffed.

“Makes the phrase ‘keep it in your pants’ a bit pointless,” Olivia snorted.

“Did you get a chance to talk to Noah?”

“No, but he’ll be okay. Smug, probably, but okay.”

“Little smartass,” Amanda chuckled.

*****

Olivia was making breakfast when Noah wandered out from his room, yawning and looking like he’d fought a battle with the bedcovers and lost.

His eyebrows knotted. “Did you leave the shower running?”

“Nope,” Olivia played dumb.

“But I can hear water…” He puzzled. “You’re making pancakes? It’s not the weekend.”

The door to Olivia’s bedroom opened and Amanda emerged, towel drying her hair.

Noah nearly fell off his stool.

“Oh my God!” He gasped. “You did it!”

“Excuse me?!!” Olivia scolded.

“I mean, you got together, you told each other—not—oh God…” he blushed furiously, trying to find somewhere to look.

“Calm yourself, kiddo, we know what you meant,” Amanda ruffled his hair affectionately. “We actually worked things out a while ago.”

“Aunt Amanda’s going to start spending a lot more time here, honey,” Olivia explained. “We’re going to have to find a bigger place to live.”

“You mean, for all of us? The girls and Nicky too! Cool!” Noah paused. “Uhhh…what about Uncle Sonny?”

“He’s probably going to stay where he is. For now, anyway,” Amanda continued, “We haven’t told the girls yet, so it’s going to take a little while for everything to get settled.”

“Oh. Okay,” Noah still looked slightly concerned.

“Something else you want to ask, Noah?” Olivia asked gently.

“Yeah…can I have three pancakes? I’m extra hungry today.”

*****

Amanda was folding the kids’ laundry in Staten Island, because that never stops.

Carisi came through the door looking like the world was on shoulders, found Amanda in the living room and stopped.

“Amanda, I’ve been thinking.”

Amanda was instinctively cautious. “O-kayyy.”

“Nah, it’s not like that. Don’t worry—just hear me out.” He sat down across from her.

“What’s on your mind, Dominick?”

“I know I said I’d stay here with the kids, but, well, I think you and Olivia should take the house.”

“What? Why, Dominick? You chose this house. I don’t want you to lose your home.”

“See, that’s just it, Amanda. It was supposed to be our family’s house. You, me and the kids.” He swallowed. “Without you, it’s just a house. I don’t wanna be here on my own when you’ve got the kids with you…and the girls, they’re enrolled in school here, they’re settled. And you’re gonna need the room—you’re gonna have Noah till he goes to college, even when the girls and Nicky are with me.”

“This way, you don’t have to waste time looking for a new place, the girls don’t need to move, and I won’t be rattling around here on my own.”

“Well, that’s very generous, Dominick, but where would you live?”

“I’m gonna go stay with my folks for a while before I figure out what to do.”

“Your folks? Really? Are you sure you’ve thought this through?”

“It’s just temporary. I’ll find something a bit smaller that’s not too far away from here, so I’m close by but not we’re not tripping over each other.”

“Well, I’m not sure if this is going to be close enough to the city for Liv, but I’ll run it by her,” Amanda countered.

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Maybe we all need a change,” Carisi clearly hadn’t considered that the offer might be rejected. “Just…lemme know what you decide. I don’t wanna be the last to know, alright?”

“You won’t, Dominick.”

*****

Olivia strode into the squad room straight to her office, throwing a “Fin, my office.” at the sergeant on her way in.

Bruno pursed his lips and muttered, “Better you than me…”

Fin closed the door behind him. “What’s happenin’, Cap?” Because it felt official.

“It’s okay Fin, this isn’t a work thing…not exactly.” She took a deep breath.

“I hope it’s not bad news. I haven’t eaten my donut yet.”

“It’s not. It’s good news—great news actually—but it’s a bit complicated. You remember when you said that I looked happier and I asked you to keep it quiet out there?”

“I didn’t say a word, Liv. You know that.”

“I do. And I’m grateful. I can tell you why now.”

“You mean ‘who’.”

“Yes Fin, ‘who’,” Olivia smiled, just a little bit shyly. “Amanda and I are together.”

“Amanda? Damn. Just as well Munch isn’t here to take his money,” he grinned. “Good for you, Liv. Congratulations.”

“Munch?”

“Awww, he called that 12 years ago. Said you two fought too much not be crazy about each other.”

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. “Well. The complicating factor is our ADA.”

“Carisi. Yeah, how’s he takin’ it? You told him yet?”

“Yes, and we’re putting in the disclosure paperwork today. But…we need to be sensitive about this. Carisi and I don’t want it to affect the relationship between our offices, and we hope to be able to eventually get through…this…as friends.”

“I got you, Liv. But I can’t control what people are going to say when this gets out there.” Fin gestured toward the bullpen. “I will kick they asses, if they speak a word against you and Amanda, though. I can promise you that much.”

Liv chuckled a little. “Thanks, Fin.”

As he turned to leave, she stopped him for a moment.

“Fin? Who’d you bet on?”

He turned to her and smiled. “My money was on Alex Cabot.”

*****

“Munch had money on us?” Amanda’s jaw dropped.

“Apparently. He thought we ‘fought too much not to be crazy about each other’.”

“So what was Fin’s angle. He must’ve bet too…Stabler?”

Olivia shook her head. “Alex.”

Amanda guffawed before calming herself down. “Yeah, that tracks.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Well, I always thought you two were together when I started.”

“You did, huh?”

“Well Cabot was gorgeous, she had those legs that went forever, and she was clearly into you…and you were always so intense around each other.”

“Amanda!”

“What? She was hot. Like, in an uptight way. Made you wonder what she would be like if she really let her hair down,” Amanda mused.

“Well, I wouldn’t know.”

“Not even once?”

“No! Not even—oh. Ummm, never mind.”

“Hello? Something suddenly coming back to you?” Amanda smirked.

“When we said goodbye—after she’d left the DA’s office and was working undercover to free battered women—she asked me to work with her. I said I couldn’t and…she kissed me.”

“And you didn’t realise? Oh, honey…” Amanda reached across and rubbed the top of Liv’s hand.

“I thought it was…odd.”

“I heard you turned up at a scene coming back from a date…”

“That wasn’t a date! That was just two friends catching up on a night off, watching the skaters at the Rockefeller Centre and drinking hot chocolate and…oh. Maybe it was a date,” Liv bit her lip.

“Well, I, for one, am glad that you were taking a long cruise on de Nile, Liv,” Amanda consoled her. “I am also glad that I didn’t know there was a betting pool because that would not have helped in my recovery.”

“There’s more news from today…” Amanda continued.

“Oh?”

“So, Dominick doesn’t want the house now and he’s offering it to us.”

“That’s a turnaround. Did he say why?”

“He doesn’t want to be alone in a big house when nobody’s there…and he figures the girls can stay in school and stay settled.”

“Okay. So, is that what you want, Amanda?”

“I don’t know about long term… But, yeah, for a little while till we find somethin’ else, but what about you and Noah? Don’t you need to be closer to the city? What about Noah’s school?”

“Well, we haven’t really talked about it…I think we should ask Noah,” Olivia considered. “I don’t mind moving to your place…for a while anyway. It might give us some time to work out what we really want, and I could see what commute is like.”

“Okay. Do you want to ask Noah? Or should we do this together?”

“Together. Definitely together.”