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It was another stressful day at the hospital: too much to do, and too few people to help. Luckily, I was balancing my three patients and my LPN’s team fairly well, and we weren’t running teams of ten at three. Truth be told, all things considered, I couldn’t complain too much: there had been much worse days.
I checked my watch: six o’clock on the dot. Thank God I had zoomed past my afternoon med pass and vitals, and my LPN’s patients didn’t need anything except PRN stuff. For now, I had one hour exactly to finish up charting and to dig through the clinical notes to ensure I had a thorough report.
Escaping the chaos of the front nurse's station, I settled into the back nurse's station snugly, setting my heart strips on my WOW computer table with a sigh. I finally sat down and proceeded to chart away, putting on some Rage Against The Machine on my phone to listen to in the background.
A few minutes later, however, I was interrupted when a figure in a white coat came up to me. He gave a gentle wave and a soft smile. He was tall and thin, with thick, short grey hair and pretty blue eyes. He had his black framed glasses on. He was a silver fox, truth be told. But I remained polite and professional, as anyone would in this instance.
“Hi, there! I believe you're the nurse I texted with earlier on the phone?”
“Oh, yeah!” I smiled back and nodded, pausing my music. “Dr. Beck, right?”
He nodded back at me, still grinning. I remember first meeting him several weeks ago, alongside the other nurses. Dr. Albert Beck was to be our new hospitalist on the floor, doing rounds with us every morning. He had a very varied background, his most recent before this venture being head of cardiology. He was incredibly smart from what I could tell when I would join in during rounds. He seemed to know almost everything there was to know about the human body.
Today, I had to text him to ask a question regarding one of my patient's concerns. He replied back by saying that he would stop by the floor to chat in person. I thought that was a bit odd, given that he could've very easily just texted me back and put in some orders, or even redirected me to the nurse practitioner on board today. But I didn't complain: I didn't mind verbal, face to face discussion. Truth be told, it clarified things much more easily than text.
“I just stopped by the room and spoke with the patient. I clarified some things and she seems to be much more calm. I know how difficult some people can be, and they don’t always like to hear things from the nurse and instead want to hear it directly from the doctor, so I hope I was able to be of assistance.”
“Oh, yeah, most definitely you were,” I beamed. “I appreciate that so much! From what other nurses told me who’ve taken care of her, she always wants to talk to the doctor. I think she was even rude to the nurse practitioner at one point.”
He scoffed, almost surprised. “Do we know why she’s like that?” His voice softened.
“I don’t know, it was something about a doctor in her family, and they had bad experiences working with nurses, so now she doesn’t trust us or something to that effect…” I rolled my eyes and laughed, which made him laugh along.
“Well, whoever that doctor is in her family, sounds to me that they are the cause of the problems with the nurses they work with.” He paused, and gave a tender look. “I don’t feel that way about any of the nurses I work with. If there is ever a problem you guys have with me, you can always speak up and we can talk about it.”
I smirked. “See, that’s because you get that drama in the workplace is just unnecessary. We’re all here to get people better, keep them alive, and make money to stay alive ourselves. This isn’t high school…”
Dr. Beck nodded in agreement, before turning his head to a nearby room, where one of my fellow nurses was still caught up in her rapid response from a half hour prior. The rapid team was discussing transferring her patient to the ICU. He gave an uncomfortable look and turned back to me. “What’s that all about?”
“Oh, that’s Taylor’s,” I replied. “Poor little old lady suddenly went into a.fib RVR, and not even the Cardizem drip is helping. I already offered to help, but she says she’s good for now. The poor lady is as white as a ghost. I already told Taylor if she needs me to grab the code cart, I’m on it.”
Dr. Beck gave a look of approval. “You know what that sounds like? Like you’re a team player.”
“Aw, I’m just doing my job, doc,” I blushed and waved a hand.
“You’d be surprised how many people I’ve worked with over the years who aren’t team players. I’ve worked for a very long time and come across all kinds of people in all different fields, and I know the good eggs from the bad ones. You are definitely one of the good ones…” He studied my face with his blue eyes. “I hope your unit manager knows how good of a worker you are…”
“Oh, I hope she does too. Based on what I hear from her, I think she does, but only she can determine if I’m good…”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” Dr. Beck waved his finger playfully at me, a teasing smile across his face, admittedly aged, but like fine wine. “I should speak to her and the assistant unit manager about promoting you.”
I gulped, and my cheeks burned even brighter. A promotion? This early in my career? What would they even promote me to? I’m not charge trained, so they can’t put me at the charge desk. Hell, sometimes, I can barely handle my more heavy assignments as a staff nurse.
“Aw, I don’t know about a promotion, doc,” I laughed nervously. “Besides, I’m a newer nurse. Promotions and whatnot might not be as attainable. I can’t even think about being promoted when I’m still adjusting to my current role.”
He continued to smile. “You underestimate yourself. You have the makings of a wonderful nurse in some form of a leadership position. I will definitely be sure to discuss this with your boss.”
I didn’t know what else to stay, stunned by this doctor’s kindness and flattery. The only sentence I was able to muster was, “Well, thank you, Dr. Beck, I appreciate hearing that a lot…”
His grin remained, making him almost look youthful. “You’re welcome, dear…”
Just as I was about to get back to work, typing in the numbers in my heart strips into one of the charts, he asked me one final question: “May I ask: Do you like sushi?”
I froze, the absurdity of the question catching me off guard, making me stop mid keystroke. I turned to him with an awkward look. “Uh, well…You’ll find this funny, but I’ve never had sushi, actually…”
“Really?” He gave a thoughtful expression, his blue eyes glimmering like gems. “Well, I know an amazing sushi place in town that I would love to take you to dinner sometime there.”
A rock in my gut stirred, and my throat tightened.
Was this guy hitting on me the entire time?
No, he couldn’t be. He’s just being friendly. He’s such a nice guy to everyone. In fact, he was so well liked everywhere in the hospital, from the ER to the OR he had been primarily working in for the last several years to even the dialysis unit when he came up there to briefly speak with patients having heart issues on top of their kidney issues. You would’ve never heard a bad word about him. That was why many of my coworkers were delighted that he was to be our new rounding hospitalist. Most of that was because he was so nice to us. I probably was not the first coworker he invited out to eat somewhere. But all the same…I couldn’t shake the feeling that something didn’t sit right.
Ever polite, however, I gave a small smile and looked down.
“Aw, thank you for the offer, sir, but I’m actually rather busy these days…I’m not so sure when my schedule will allow me to go out somewhere in a proper and formal setting…”
“Oh, I understand…” He laughed. “Well, perhaps the right circumstances will allow us both to have such a lovely night.” He checked his watch. “Well, I must be going, and the change of shift isn’t that far away for you. I’ll leave you to your work. I suppose we’ll see each other on your next shift.” He gave a wave and began to walk away.
“Yeah, see you then, doc,” I replied, waving as well. I watched as his white coat rounded the corner, and I was left alone in the back nurse’s station to my thoughts and rapidly beating heart.
What the fuck was that about? I thought to myself. I really want to believe it’s just him being nice, but some things are too good to be true…maybe that was one of them.
Engrossing myself back into my charting, I decided to keep one eye open around Dr. Beck. Being the pessimistic optimist and the optimistic pessimist, I would be foolish to ignore the possible red flag that was his overextending kindness and flattery. But I also didn’t want to ruin a positive relationship with a coworker, given how toxic some of the people I worked with were.
Thoughts of my interaction with Dr. Beck continued to follow me, even as I went home for the night after finishing up my charting and giving the night shift nurse report. I didn’t feel entirely alone as I clocked out and walked down the still, sterile hallways. But when I finally finished my shower and my Taco Bell, I cuddled up in bed with my stuffed animals, letting the quietness of my house lull me to sleep.
Within the doctor’s mansion, a not-so-metaphorical castle, he paced. He held lots of nervous habits from the time he was a child: pacing, tapping his feet, tapping his hands in tune with a rhythm only he heard…But tonight, he was lost in thought: thoughts about her.
He had sworn he first saw her among the other nurses when he was introduced during their huddle as their new hospitalist. But he truly saw her during his first rounds with her. Her gorgeous eyes behind her glasses, her lovely hair pulled into a tight bun that he was sure looked stunning when she let it down, her diminutive height, her delicious curves, her braces ridden smile…he loved everything about her. Even in her plain teal blue scrubs, she looked beautiful. He continued to think about her. Even when he was scrolling through his usual websites, looking for women, any woman, who would give him a chance…she was at the forefront of his brain.
Normally, with other women that consumed his mind, his alter ego, his conscience, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, sipping a drink, would bug him. He had referred to him as “Big Island.” Big Island always came to berate him about how he would never find a woman to love him, how he should avoid women and focus on himself. But Albert never listened to that fool. He didn’t know what he was talking about.
From the time Albert was a child, admittedly, his parents did spoil him quite a bit, paying his way through medical school. But he was born into his wealth, he deserved it. Not to mention, it wasn’t his fault he was always right and knew everything. His parents instilled that self assurance in him. It was the reason he was so driven as a doctor to care for his patients and explore various different fields. The heart, in recent years, had particularly called to him, most likely due to his own “heart” troubles.
In his 20s, Albert slept with any woman he wanted to. He wasn’t exactly ever one of the popular kids in school, but his money and odd nerdy sweetness attracted a good amount of women. They never stayed long, but like them, he was young, dumb, and had money. By the time he hit his 30s, he was finally officially ready to settle down. But to his disappointment, he couldn’t find a woman to settle down with. They never tolerated him for reasons he couldn’t understand. They would often tell him that “all he cared about was what he felt and wanted, not what they felt or wanted.” He scoffed at such a prospect. He knew what they wanted: to settle down and be a wife with children. He could provide them a Heaven of being spoiled and taken care of, much like his own family unit as a child.
This rinse and repeat behavior with women would continue well into his 40s and 50s, and the sex only became less frequent until it was practically nonexistent. Big Island once told him that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. But he wasn’t insane, he was sure of it. Even by the time he hit his 60th birthday, with no wife to call his own, he was sure of it.
He was half expecting the bastard to appear to him, casually sipping away at his drink and laughing at him. But to his surprise, he was nowhere in sight. All that greeted him were his usual empty, lonely walls and halls. He almost wished he would appear, just to break the silence that haunted him year by year, that often drove him to pathetic sobs and tears, begging to have another in his life, to be loved, only to be met with the sound of his own voice echoing back at him.
But…he didn’t. He was dead silent, as if he never existed…but why?
“Because this girl is different?” The doctor mused to himself out loud. “Because…unlike the others…she’s the one? He doesn’t have anything to say because…for once, he’s wrong?”
Albert looked over himself in the mirror of his classy bathroom. There were many times his alter ego would sneak up behind him and scare him. But he was nowhere in sight this time. It was simply Albert, and only Albert, staring back at himself, and only himself.
He stepped out of the bathroom and down his hall, past his steps and glimmering chandelier, until he finally reached his balcony. Many times, he couldn’t stand the silence of his home. It reminded him of his painstaking loneliness. When he was outside, the cool night air and sounds of crickets would bring him a form of company he lacked in his life. He sat in his chair, like a lone king sitting upon his throne, and gazed up at the twinkling stars and full moon. He gently whistled “Fly Me To The Moon” into the night, thinking only of that nurse at his work. How he longed for her to appear before him. He imagined her as a fairy or angel, her tiny bare feet traipsing across the water of his fountain by his front driveway, skipping along with shimmering wings that reflected the moonlight. He imagined her just beneath his feet, looking up at him and begging to be let in, which he would gladly oblige. Embracing her into a hug where she straddled him, followed by a kiss upon her soft lips, and then her clothing being peeled away into her lacy undergarments, and then-
His fantasy was interrupted by the sound of an owl hooting in a nearby tree. He sighed through his nose. Such vivid fantasies often consumed his brain. Big Island often mocked him for it, saying he was a lunatic for confusing fantasy for reality. But this time, with this woman…something was different about this fantasy. The other fantasies felt so dream-like. But this one…the best words Albert could use to describe it was his usual twisted limerence mixed with an unusual groundedness in reality. As if he was engaging within a lucid dream where he was certain there existed a form of reality, such as the sky remaining blue as it always did, or gravity still functioning as it did when you awoke.
“She is the one. I have to have her,” he declared to himself. “Even if it is the last thing I do.”
He continued to stare back into the moon, hoping that through the moon, his blue eyes could watch over his angel, whom he was sure was sound asleep after such a long day of work.
“Soon, my angel. Soon.”
For the next several weeks, Dr. Beck and I remained professional and polite as we always had. He continued to be delighted to see me on my shifts, and business carried on like usual. Any of those odd feelings I had upon that fateful encounter of ours had been merely kept in the back of my mind.
One night, however, that all changed.
It was one of those fortunate weeks where I had three straight days off. I spent this particular day being lazy. It was day one of being off, so I had no shame in spending the whole day glued to the Xbox and eating junk food. But a sudden knock at my door interrupted my FPS playing.
I turned to the clock on the wall: 10 o’ clock on the dot. My pizza had already long since come to the door, so why the hell would someone be knocking at my door this late?
I rose from the couch and looked through the peephole. My heart stopped when I saw who it was.
Dr. Beck.
He was standing on my front porch, flowers in hand, a red tie decorating him and accenting his white dress shirt and grey blazer. His lanky legs were covered by his grey dress pants and his black dress shoes tapped with patience.
I stepped back from my door, stunned. I hadn't expected such a thing, especially this late at night. Part of me contemplated grabbing a weapon. Afterall, who the hell shows up to someone's house uninvited late at night with flowers?
But all the same, I was curious. Worse yet, I wanted to believe this was merely an awkward, misunderstood act of kindness, given his polite and nice behavior at work.
I sighed through my nose. I decided to take a chance, but stand on guard.
I gingerly opened the door, peering from behind it. Dr. Beck smiled when he saw me, his whole face lighting up.
“Hello, my dear,” he smirked. “I'm sorry to disturb you this late at night. I hope you don't mind me bringing you these. I saw them earlier today and immediately thought of you.”
I gave an awkward smile back, followed by an equally awkward laugh. “Oh, Dr. Beck, this is very nice of you-”
“Oh, please, you can call me Albert off the floor.”
“Oh, um, thank you, Albert. This is very kind of you.” I took the flowers, a collection of roses and honeysuckles, and blushed behind them. “Wow, I don't remember the last time I was given flowers.”
“Such a shame. You're such a lovely girl, I expected boys to be giving you flowers and gifts left and right.”
His comment made my cheeks turn a shade brighter, but also made my stomach twist.
I need to speak up about this. We need to stay professional.
“That's…uh, well…” I found myself barely able to finish my sentence. “I've uh…never exactly been popular with people in general, so it's no wonder men haven't really noticed me.”
“Well, this man has certainly noticed you…” He paused, gazing upon me with his usual tenderness. “May I come in?”
“Uh, well…” I paused myself, mustering up courage, before finally speaking up: “Albert, why exactly did you come here so late at night? With flowers? Do not get me wrong, I appreciate this gift and your kindness, but…this isn’t exactly…professional, correct? I doubt you show up to every nurse’s doorstep on their day off at 10 o’clock at night with flowers.”
“I don’t, you’re right,” he beamed. “Only the ones I find special…”
“What exactly makes me special?”
“What doesn’t!” He laughed. “You’re sweet, you’re kind, you’re a hard worker, you’re…gorgeous…” He eyed my hair, braided into pigtails. “Seeing your hair down for once, my goodness…it’s more beautiful than I thought…”
“Albert…” I stared back up at him, my throat drying up. “Have you…been…hitting on me this entire time? Do you have feelings for me?”
He was silent and still for a moment, looking like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, clearly taken off guard by my outright question. He finally replied with a sigh and nodded. “Yes. I hope you can understand. I know what this looks like. There are some doctors that take advantage of their role to have a cheap fuck with a nurse and cheat on their wives that grew to hate them. But I am different. I’ve been seeking a wife for thirty some years now. I don’t even remember the last time I had sex. I was a fool in my twenties, when I was your age…” He gulped when he said that, looking down, realizing he was showing his age. “I was young, dumb, and had tons of money as a kid in medical school who had his way paid through it by his parents. The flings I had with girls were short lived, and once I grew up and hit my thirties, I was ready to find my special someone. But since then, it has been a living hell for me. Women just don’t understand me…” He looked back up into my eyes, blues almost filled with tears. “But, maybe you do. You have a true heart of gold. You are sweeter than all of the women I have met on my time on this Earth. Ever since I met you, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You are the beautiful song that got stuck in my head, and I never want it to end…”
I remained silent, taking in his words. No man had ever told me these things, and his words genuinely meant something to me. I had to admit, he was charming in his own nerdy, old fashioned way. But there were several concerns I had with having a relationship with him that weren’t just the lack of professionalism.
I nodded and opened my door just a bit wider. I still kept my guard up, but I felt he was less of a threat. “Let’s discuss this inside.”
He accepted my invitation and stepped inside, walking past me. I closed the door behind me and I followed him as he walked into my living room, observing my set up. I set the flowers on the coffee table.
“Wow,” he marveled. “You have a very comfy home.” He studied the stuffed animals and Xbox controller surrounding me where I had sat on the couch minutes prior, as well as the World at War menu music from my TV. “Gamer, huh? I never would’ve seen you as a gamer.” His fingers delicately danced across my games sitting near the TV on the entertainment center. He shifted through the classic Modern Warfare trilogy and Black Ops trilogy with a smile. “Big Call of Duty fan, huh? I thought that was just a game for loudmouthed college boys and annoying children with bad parents.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “That’s just a bad stereotype…with a kernel of truth…”
He continued to shift through my library, nodding at Minecraft and my Doom collection, followed by my Switch hooked up to its dock with the Pokemon cartridges neatly organized. A small shelf underneath my TV revealed my childhood Playstation 2 and all of my childhood games.
“You’re definitely a diverse gamer. Like I said, I never expected that from you.”
I shrugged. “Well, what did you expect from me?”
He pondered for a moment. “Truth be told…I wasn’t sure.”
I moved my stuffed animals aside. “You can take a seat if you wish.”
He sat down next to me. “Big stuffed animal lover, huh?”
“Yeah, I collect toys,” I laughed again, awkward as usual. “But let’s focus on the topic at hand.”
Albert crossed his hands over his lap, ready to listen intently. I turned off the TV and began to speak.
“Look, Albert, I admit, I find your words to be very sweet. No guy has ever felt that way about me before. I can tell you’re being honest and genuine in what you’re saying. In an ideal world…I would accept your offer. I would go out with you. I would date you. I would possibly even consider marriage. You are a sweet and smart man. I’ve never met someone so intelligent in my life, and I’ve never met a co-worker so kind. You’re definitely an old fashioned gentleman, a type of man that is unfortunately dying. You’re a dream come true…”
His smile grew warmer, his hand raising to his heart.
“But…I have some concerns. We don’t live in that ideal world.”
His face slowly shifted to one of worry. “But…why? Look, if it’s about our age difference-”
“Your age in itself does not deter me or bother me,” I admitted. “It’s the circumstances we find ourselves in, and the circumstances surrounding your age. If people at work got wind of our relationship, you know the shit talking that would take place. You know people would say something. We could both lose our jobs if someone said the wrong thing about us.”
“But if you were with me, you wouldn’t have to work!” He grabbed my hand, making me shiver and wince in surprise at the warmth of his finely aged skin meeting my own soft skin. “Look, when I meet someone, I just know what I want, and that we are meant to be. My dear, I have thought this through. I can retire at any time, and I have always wanted to spoil a girl rotten. I have a house I bought down in Mexico. The master bedroom window overlooks the Pacific ocean.” He pulled his hand away to open up his phone. He opened up his photos and showed me a picture. “See? Isn’t it beautiful? Working all my life and being on my own has allowed me the luxury of affording such a house. We can forget everyone in that hospital and run away into freedom, just the two of us.”
Briefly, I thought about his words. It was almost too good to be true. Deep down, I had always wanted such a life. It didn’t have to be as extravagant or rich as his lifestyle, but the idea of being a wife and mother had always been a desire of mine. I didn’t hate working as a nurse. In fact, you have to like it if you want to do it. But I knew that, with the state of the healthcare system, I would get burned out quicker than most had in the past, and there would come a day where I couldn’t take it anymore. But that day had yet to come, and I wanted to keep working, hardships and all.
“That would be lovely, but Albert, I do enjoy working as a nurse. Yes, it has its issues, but I can’t just throw away all of the hard work I put towards this position.”
“But you wouldn’t be throwing it all away! You worked this hard so that you and I would finally cross paths. This was meant to be. Besides, you would spend all your time taking care of the kids, and listen, there are great private schools right across the border in California.”
I exhaled through my nostrils. “Even if you and I were to run away to Mexico, and we did live this life you propose, tantalizing as it is…let’s say you live to 80. 90 if we’re lucky. By the time you die, I’ll be either in my 40s or 50s. The children won’t even be middle aged yet. I’ll only get to be with you for 20 some years, 30 at most. And you as a doctor know women typically live longer. I’ll have to live for how long without you. You know how hard that will be? Is that fair to me? To do that to me? To do that to the children? I wouldn’t be able to just get over you and remarry, nor would I want to.”
He nodded. “I understand, but dear, please…I don’t know how much time I will have left on this Earth. That shortness in time you are describing is precisely why we have to act fast. I know this is sudden and a lot to think about. I know it will be hard to live without me, but we will make the most of the time we have together. It will feel like forever, and when the angels come to take me, I will die a happy man with little ones who will carry on my legacy and the knowledge that I didn’t die unloved and alone.”
I mulled over this information. I understood his point of view, I did. And I felt horrible for him. Being lonely myself, I understood his pain. In fact, his pain had to have been a thousand times worse than mine. I often feared I would have a fate similar to his own predicament. But I couldn’t make this decision overnight. Not to mention, all of the factors stacked against us…I understood now, if he was like this with other women (and I had a feeling he was), that they may have not been as empathetic or as nice about these things as I was being.
“Albert, I understand. If only you were closer to my age, or I had been born earlier…but you aren’t, and I wasn’t. It would be wonderful if we could, but I can’t say yes. I hope you can understand.” I held his hand, gently smiling up at him. “But I love what we share now. You’re a wonderful doctor, and I want us to keep being friends and coworkers. I want us to keep saving lives and keeping people healthy. I want us to keep working together. We can still do stuff together outside of the workplace as best friends. Perhaps even as a protege and teacher, I have a lot to learn from you after all. But as husband and wife and mother and father…I just don’t think we can go that route.”
His blue eyes looked back into my hazel ones. He looked almost like a wounded puppy. He gazed back at me with that look for a moment, processing my gentle rejection. He finally looked down at his feet and spoke with a quivering voice.
“Older women reject me, now younger ones do too…They all reject me…they all tell me I don’t know what they want…they tell me I need a therapist, and when I bothered to see one, he called me a hyper neurotic egotistical narcissistic freak…” He broke down crying, and I immediately patted his shoulder, almost hugging him as he sobbed into his hands.
“Oh, Albert, I don’t believe that you’re any of that! I’m sorry that this has been your life. Everyone deserves someone, and that includes you. I’m sure when you’ve told other women these things, they became overwhelmed and felt as if you were forcing your desires onto them. It’s understandable why they felt that way. But I hope you can understand how I feel. I want to be as nice as possible about this because I do still like you and care about you. Based on what you’re saying, I don’t know if any of the women you’ve met have let you down this easily-”
He interrupted my words with a cry that formed into a harsh laugh. I froze when I realized his crying was forming into cruel laughter. I backed away slowly as he looked up to face me, an evil smirk I could’ve never imagined across his always friendly and tender face.
“Oh, my darling…do you really think you have a choice in any of this?”
“Wha-What?” I sputtered out, confused.
“You know, I was really hoping you’d make this easy. I was hoping you’d just say yes and accept my offer. But instead, you’ve chosen the hard way. You’ve chosen the darker path. You’ve chosen to learn my darker secrets, all the things I’ve had to do in the name of our love. But no matter which path you’ve decided to take, the end will always be the same: you will be mine, and you will love me.”
“Albert, what are you talking about?”
He gave a devious, cocky smile as he whipped out something from one of his blazer pockets. I gasped when I saw what he was holding: a fuzzy purple journal with a sparkly unicorn on it, including the little lock and key on it. I had been missing it since last night, and now I knew where it had been.
“Where- where the hell did you get that?!” I cried, now angry.
“Under your pillow where you keep it…”
“Wait…you’ve broken into my house?! You’ve been here before?! You’ve been in my room?!”
His sly grin remained, unwavering. “Based on the things you wrote in this journal, I'd say inviting myself into your home is an act of flattery.”
My heart stopped, my throat instantly drying up and closing in on itself. “What?”
He used the small key I had hidden in a small opening on the backboard of the book and unlocked the lock. He opened up my journal and skipped to a page he had saved using the ribbon bookmark, and read aloud:
“‘September 13th: Tonight is a lonely, cold night. I find myself alone in bed, almost wishing for a man who actually finds me attractive to break into my home and have me all for himself. Of course, in all reality, the fantasy would not be played out well. But under the near impossible ideal circumstances, I can't help myself but to be both emotionally and sexually aroused.’”
He looked up at me after reading this passage of my own creation, as if he had just exposed damning evidence against me in a court case. I stared back at him, hands shaking and anger boiling inside me.
“You had no business reading that or taking that book or entering my house without me knowing! The thoughts I wrote down are irrelevant! It's against the law and I didn't consent to it! I should call the cops!”
Just as I grabbed my phone, Albert simply raised a finger and wagged it at me. “Ah, ah, before you do that…you should consider some things.”
“Like what?” I glared.
“I mean, I knew if I was a juror in court, or even just an officer at the scene, I would find the writings in this journal quite suspicious. The entry I just read is an example enough. How hard would it be to believe that you wanted me to invite myself in, and we’re just a couple fighting and you’re just acting out? Maybe we had a kinky arrangement, and you’re trying to lie and twist things. But shall I read more?” He flipped to another page, and began to read aloud again:
“‘October 25th: I saw that cute gamer boy at Playtime and Pizza Planet today. He's the one that always brings his little siblings or cousins here every time I see him. If only he knew I thought he was cute. I would like to think he wouldn't find it weird that I, a single adult, come to this place all the time because I still enjoy things from my childhood. What I wouldn’t give to go on a date with him here, eat some good pizza and ice cream, play some of the games, come back to my place, and have him absolutely dominate me. I would let a guy as hot as that do whatever he wanted with me. I wonder what his dick looks like? Is it big and thick? I’ve never touched or tasted, let alone huffed a cock before. My loneliness is driving me insane. I am filled with such wholesome and dirty thoughts every time I see a guy my age, sometimes just a bit older.”’
The whole time he read this aloud, my cheeks burned red, sweat starting to form on my forehead, completely humiliated that he had read all of my most personal, private, and (admittedly) cringey thoughts and feelings. “Enough!” I barked.
He ceased, only to continue grinning up at me. “You get the idea, don’t you? Now, you can call the police all you want on me. But even if they believe you after seeing the kinky scenarios you laid out in this book, even if a jury believes you if you take me to court…I took screenshots of everything in this book. And if you dial that number, right now…I will send these out in a mass email to everyone at that hospital with my throwaway email I designed to look like yours. You want to talk to me about people shittalking about our relationship? Well, let’s see how they react to all your filthiest, most pathetic, inappropriate thoughts on full display. And with my good reputation, do you really think anybody is going to believe you? I want you to think about that every time you think you’re going to pull something like running to the police or leaving me.”
“You’re…you’re blackmailing me…” My voice trembled more than I wanted it to.
He continued to smirk back at me. “If you want to call it that. But I am a desperate man, and desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“None of this is legal, it doesn’t matter the contents in that book-”
“As I said, with my money and reputation, and the things in this book…if you want to gamble your low odds of putting me in jail, be my guest. But the effects of everyone at that hospital knowing all these perversions will forever follow you, regardless of where I end up.”
I remained frozen in place, staring back at him, throat closed up and sweat rolling down my forehead. His grin never wavered, never twitched, never changed.
“Do you even know who you’re dealing with? I am the chairman of the president’s task force on heart disease. I practically rewrote the book on cardiovascular surgery. You? You know how this system works. You know you are nothing but a cog in the machine…”
“Is that…what you think of me?”
“No, no, no,” he corrected himself. “See I view you as more than just that. But society has rules and roles, and we can’t undo that.” He gave a pause, then exhaled through his nostrils. “So, what’s it gonna be, sweetheart?”
I gazed into his blue eyes, paralyzed and sweating. His gaze rendered me in this state, as if he held some kind of natural authority over me that could not be wavered. The silence and tension in the air was so thick, a knife couldn’t puncture through it.
I finally made a movement: I set my phone back on the coffee table with a small thunking sound. His smile finally twitched upward in approval, nodding.
“Good girl. You’re making a good choice.”
“Is this what you think love is?” I finally spoke up, my voice trembling once more. “Do you just think you can blackmail your way to my heart?”
He gave an expression of pity. “My dear, you of all people know how complex love is. This journal shows that, does it not?”
“I mean…” My voice trailed, not knowing how to reply.
“I must say: reading this journal kept me very warm these last few nights. You have quite the imagination and way with words. Your loneliness resonates with mine. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood and rejected. You and me? We can fix that for each other…” He gave a musing chuckle. “I’m sure you’re wondering if I know what I’m doing. I haven’t done it in a very long while, but I’ve done it enough. Not to mention, I took a whole semester back in school on gynecological studies, so I’m sure I have more than enough knowledge. And you’ve never even done it before, so you will be in for quite a treat.”
My blush burned even deeper on my cheeks. He stood up and leaned into my ear, his warm breath nipping at it.
“Think of all the sexual tension you and I will finally release…Nobody could understand us…That’s why we’ve been so alone for so long…but we don’t have to be alone anymore…”
“But…you’re…blackmailing me-”
He gripped my cheeks and caressed me, tenderly taking in my face. His warm hands and surprisingly smooth skin could surely feel my radiating red cheeks.
“It’s only blackmail if you make it. I won’t force you to have sex with me. I want it to be something you want. But know the consequences of not at least trying to be in a relationship with me.”
“I…um…” I gulped. I knew in my heart that this son of a bitch was cunning and manipulative. So why was my heart beating so fast? Of course I was afraid, but…I couldn’t help but feel it was more than just fear. There was a level of excitement, adrenaline, a rush of physical and emotional contact I hadn’t had with anyone in such a long time. In some twisted, sick way, I liked his obsession with me. For as long as I could remember, I found it hard to believe that any man would ever want to be with me. I felt I was too ugly, too weird, too annoying, too awkward to attract a man. But here this man was, giving me exactly what I wanted. The circumstances surrounding it were not ideal. It didn’t hurt that he was attractive for an older man, and sweet underneath it all. It helped that we both understood what it was like to be so painstakingly lonely. Either way, I didn’t have a choice in this situation…so why not make the best of it?
I did say I wanted a man in my life. I guess I really need to be careful what I wish for…
“Other women…they don’t listen to me…but you do…You trust me. You do what I say, not because it’s what I want, but because you know in your heart that I’m right. I give you…affection, attention, adoration, worship. Why? Love. My love. Fierce, and forever, and only for you.”
I gulped again, my lips finally moving. “I…I…I don’t know what to say….No one’s ever…said these things to me…”
“I know…” Albert leaned into my face. “Let me be your first in everything. Let me show you such pleasures you’ve never known before. Romantically, and sexually. You are the light of my life, the fire of my loins…my sin, my soul…”
Oh my God, is he quoting…? This fucking dirty perverted old man! What am I doing?! I can’t fall for him! But…fuck! Why did that sound so hot out of his mouth?!
“My love…” He hushed. “Let me love you…”
He pressed noses with me, and I nearly passed out in my living room, overwhelmed with a flurry of emotions. Anger, fear, disgust…and love. And with that love, came a surge of lust and arousal. The blood pounded in my ears, my heart thudded in my chest… My lips were only parted a small bit, and his eyes fell upon them. The final tether holding him back finally snapped.
Losing all of his restraint at once, he gripped me tightly in his arms and pressed his lips against mine. I accepted his kiss, not even flinching away from him. Without any restraint of my own, I found myself kissing him back. The electricity that surged through my body left me with a tingling aftermath that hit my moistening nethers. The whole world was snuffed out, only consumed with his affection. His one arm snaked its way down to my ass, where he gripped it. He pulled me up into his arms, continuing to kiss me the entire time. From his pants, I was surprised by a hard lump pressing against me. Even at this age…he was still able to get aroused fairly easily. Was it his own health? Was it the amount of love and lust in his body? Was it both?
When he finally pulled away, the grin on his face said it all, as did my starstruck and lovesick expression. With his kiss, I felt as if one of Cupid’s most powerful arrows struck me, and the pink dust that came out covered the black veil of his previous threats. In my gut, I knew it was wrong. But my sick heart held the reins, and it was in control, just as he was. We didn’t even need to exchange words, other than…
“I’m ready now,” I found myself saying.
“My, that was a quick 180,” He laughed warmly. “You poor thing. I told you you’ve been depraved from love for far too long. But I understand…I have been too…I’m ready as well…”
He set me down on the couch, moving the stuffed animals aside that would be our front view audience to our lonely lecherous love. He unzipped my hoodie, revealing my breasts covered by my pink sports bra. His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, his hands cupping them and fingers tracing my nipples and soft skin. He gave a shuttered gasp, barely able to contain himself. All of these foreign feelings continued to overwhelm me, circling around me like a mobile.
“You’re so beautiful…” He choked out. “My God, you are beautiful…”
He loosened his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt. His thin figure was revealed as he set his clothing aside.
“I need you. I need every drop of you, my nymph, my Juliette, my starlette, my sparkling diamond…my sweet strawberry…my sugar cinnamon…my rosey cherry…my delectable cotton candy…my delicious bubblegum…my scrumptious lollypop…”
He nuzzled himself against my chest, inhaling my scent. He groped my breasts, making muffled moans slip out of me. He peppered my neck in kisses, making me squeal out and giggle at the ticklish feeling. He started to pull down my leggings, peeling them off of me. He tossed them to the ground and felt down my thick thighs, up to my pink panties. His one long finger traced where my crotch was, making me shiver.
“So sensitive and so wet…”
Briefly, I thought back to his threats of humiliating me and destroying my career if I were to ever speak up about this. It brought me back to reality, but only briefly as he locked lips with me again, the two of us straddling each other on the couch. It was wrong, but it just felt too good to resist…all of these new experiences and feelings I had never felt before were overtaking my rationale, and I was enjoying every moment of this. Our tongues explored each other as he gripped my lovehandles. His mouth tasted of whatever strong minty mouthwash he could afford. His arousal was only more evident from his dress pants, practically aching to be released. When he separated from me, he proceeded to unbuckle his pants.
“Are you gonna examine me, doctor?” I laughed, winking. “Okay, that was cheesy…”
“No,” he beamed. “That’s cute. And to answer your question, yes I am. And there is only one thing that can cure your diagnosis of loneliness. I’ll give you a hint: it’s long and hard.”
“My,” I giggled. “I wonder what that could be? Is it a hard pill to swallow?”
He nearly choked on his spit at my flirting. “Only if you can’t handle it…”
He finally pulled down his pants and kicked them to the side, revealing blue boxers, a wet tent clearly visible.
“I want you to be the one to taste it,” he encouraged. “I want you to be the one to lube it up for yourself.”
I pulled down his boxers, and I stared at his cock, dripping with precum. It was average sized, respectable. Surprisingly, for his age, it wasn’t any different than any other dick you’d expect from a man. A surge of panic filled the space between my head.
Was I really about to do this?
“Albert, are you sure I can do this?”
“Yes, dear, I am sure…Take your time…”
For a few moments, I stared, nervous, questioning myself, if I was in the right state of mind. Mere moments ago, I was intimated by this man, and rightfully so. Now, I was intimated by the prospect of not pleasing him sexually. I was flirting with him and had kissed him.
Is this what being lonely for a prolonged period of time does to you? Jesus, if that’s what it’s doing to me, think of what it’s done to him.
I sniffed lightly at his arousal, and the hormones took control. I gently licked at his cock, up his shaft to his head. He instantly gave shuttered groans, pressing his long fingers to my clit and rubbing as I continued to taste him, his precum rather sweet. Moans spilled from my own lips as my tongue continued to lap at him.
“Such a good girl,” he praised. “See? For someone so inexperienced, you know what you’re doing. It’s all that unconditional love inside of you.”
His words, in tandem with him masterbating me, made my blush continue to burn, and a mewl to come from my throat. I slipped his tip inside my mouth, suckling away. I looked up at him, watching him squirm and groan.
I’m doing such a good job, I’m making him so happy…
He pushed a little further into my mouth, and I felt hypnotized by the act itself. It felt so mindless and good to suck him off. He rubbed and patted my head with his free hand, caressing my cheek, as he caressed my pleasure button with his other hand.
“Good girl,” he beamed. “You’re so good for me…all that love in your heart…I can feel it. You’re so wet…You like this. There’s no denying it. For someone who claimed that I was blackmailing them, and for someone who’s tried to reject me, you sure do enjoy this and feel such love for me.”
“Mmm hmmm…” I agreed, still mindlessly sucking his cock. There was a bit of fight still crying out from the back of my head, but with every passing minute, I found it becoming quieter and quieter, embracing his obsessive and perverse love. A mixture of shame, lust, and love consumed my chest and head.
When he was finally done with being lubed up with my own saliva, he pulled out of my mouth, and pulled down my panties. He positioned himself.
“Think about it, sweetheart,” he continued. “You and I need this. And in a matter of time, we’ll be by a beach in Mexico doing this every single night. To hell with our jobs, to hell with those people in that hospital, to hell with it all! You can act as if you want to be a ‘strong, independent woman’ like the others I’ve met in my life, but I know you’re different. You crave this life. You said it yourself in that journal.”
“I…I did…” I admitted, embarrassed and almost ashamed to say it out loud.
“Let me take care of you,” he hushed, as he pressed himself outside of my weeping womanhood. “Let me take care of you…”
He pushed his way into me, and I gasped and cried out at the mixture of pain and pleasure he was providing me. He groped my breasts as he pulled my bra over them, and rubbed my nipples, massaging them and watching them jiggle before him. My head tilted back, my back arched, and my toes curled. With his single thrust inside of my warm, tight, virgin walls, he crumbled and groaned. “Oh, Good Lord, this feels so good…you feel so good…I haven’t felt this in so long…”
He found a pace he wanted to go at and continued pumping in and out of me. I continued to gasp and cry out, moaning in between.
“Oh, Christ, this hurts, but it feels…so fucking good…”
“Good girl,” he panted, strands of his grey hair falling into his silver fox face. “Look at you, melting underneath me…” He gave a cocky laugh. “Do you still think we couldn’t work out as a couple now? Even as I’m balls deep inside of you, do you still feel that way, darling?”
“I…N…No…” I whimpered out.
“Tell me how you feel,” he murmured.
“I feel…confused,” I admitted. “I feel…so confused…”
“Confused?’ He paused his thrusting, still inside me, and gave a laugh. “And why is that, baby?”
“Because…I know this is wrong, but…I love how this feels…I…I think I’m falling in love with you…”
“Of course you are…it’s normal for young people to be confused…it’s because you know deep down, this is right…” He leaned down into my face and nuzzled against my forehead and nose. “Embrace this…embrace what your heart is telling you…tell me what it’s telling you…”
“It’s telling me…how good this feels…how right this feels…”
“Uh huh…yeah…” he grunted, picking up his pace again.
“It’s telling me…how much I love you…”
“Mmm hmmm…”
“It’s telling me…how much I need you…how much I care about you…” I was interrupted by my own whining.
“And here you were trying to come up with excuses for why we couldn’t be together…” He picked up his pace and tilted his head back. “God, I love you…please, baby, tell me you love me…”
“I love you…I love you…” I practically howled out in the middle of my living room.
“Oh, God, I’ve just wanted someone to be with me for so long…and here you are…you’ve wanted the same, baby…”
“Yes!” He hit a particularly good spot, and I felt so close to climaxing. “Oh, God, Albert, I’m so fucking close…”
“Be a good girl and swear yourself to me,” he hissed in my ear. “And only then will I grant you release…”
By now, those conflicting thoughts had evaporated, long forgotten in the sea of love and lust, and I lost it.
“Yes, Albert, I swear myself to you!” I moaned out. “Yes, fuck, I want to be yours! I want to be yours forever and ever! I love you so much!”
Music to his ears, he gave one final huff and one final thrust, releasing hard and long inside of me. “That’s my good girl…I love you too…never forget that…you’re mine forever and ever…”
I gave one final moan and came myself, clenching my eyes tight as I clenched around him. Waves of euphoria and ecstasy I had never known before hit every cell in my body, radiating all across my soul. He milked our orgasms as best as he could, and pulled out of me slowly. When we finally fell back down to Earth, he collapsed on top of me, burying his face into my heaving breasts.
“Oh, Christ…” He panted. He nuzzled himself against my breasts and smirked when he looked back up at me. “And to think this was just the first night of many…”
I nodded, recovering and wiping the sweat that beaded my forehead. “You said it…”
He leaned in closer and we shared a kiss that lasted for several seconds, before parting and looking back down at me.
“Thank you, for everything…for being my first…for letting me realize just how much I needed this…”
“Of course, baby…anything for you…” He kissed the top of my head, sniffing my hair. “Always and forever. Let’s you and I get cleaned up with a nice, warm bath…We can discuss my retirement, and what we’ll tell your boss. We’ll discuss all the fun we’ll have once we go on our little roadtrip, all the way down to Cabo San Lucas.”
He helped me up off of my couch and we giggled as we headed upstairs, his hand giving my ass a playful smack and rub, whisking me away into my new future, a dream come true.
No matter how many years kept us apart, we finally found one another. We had to make the most of these years together, after all. And nothing and nobody was going to take that away from us.
From outside the living room window, a figure stood, watching the couple head upstairs to get cleaned up. He lifted up his sunglasses onto his grey head, sipping at his drink with the umbrella and kiwi. Giving it a shake upon being done with his sip, he gave an equal shake of his head, his blue eyes watching as his counterpart and this woman made their way to her bathroom.
“Well, I’ll be damned. He actually did it…”
He stepped back from the window and continued to shake his head, in complete disbelief.“I can’t believe it. He actually found someone as lovesick, and mentally sick, as him. He didn’t listen to me about avoiding women, and he actually did it. He got the girl.”
He gave a brush of his Hawaiian shirt and sighed, shrugging.“Well, I guess my job here is done. Guess I’ll be heading back to Honolulu. There’s waves to catch and drinks to be had, sand to be laid on, sunsets to see. And I guess he’ll be having the same really soon…”
He gave one final glare back at the only trace of his counterpart he could see, scoffing. “Adios, medico.”
With that, Big Island stepped off the front porch, down the driveway, and down the street, only illuminated by the warm glow of streetlights. As he walked along, he sang out Sinatra’s “That’s Life” into the night.