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to be a big brother had always been one of lennon's greatest privileges in life , even though his little brother could sometimes --- most of the times --- be the most annoying leech in the entire world . but , lennon loved him all the same . he wouldn't change a single thing . they'd always been inseparable growing up , mostly because their da was always away , so they only had each other . and now , here they were , together , despite lennon hating the circumstances .
...
lennon was cradling his baby brother's head against his shuddering chest , his eyes stuck wide and full of unshed tears . everything was becoming blurry . on the marble bathroom floors was this scary , dark red blood pooling everywhere . his little brother's blood . gene's blood . there were these deep , ugly , and scary gashes starting from his pale , thin wrists , and up to the ends of gene's forearms . near the bathtub was the object of choice , a small razorblade carved out of a men's body razor with such desperation and hopelessness that it made lennon feel fucking sick . gene --- geney --- his geney had felt so lost that he'd done this , he'd tried to go in one of the most painful and slow ways imaginable . and he was only fifteen years old . he had so much life left to live , so many dreams and hopes and goals , so many genuine people in his family and circles that loved him more than life , and yet . gene felt so alone . lennon kept holding gene , scooping up the broken pieces of his baby brother as if it would pull that little life back into him . " da, help ," lennon sobbed so loudly , so desperately . it was a sound that lennon didn't even know he was capable of making until that very moment . liam came running --- it was that parental instinct . the sound of one's child's distress always gave a parent this otherworldly , superhuman strength . he nearly slipped as he entered the bathroom at such a speed . he didn't know what to expect , but it wasn't this . his eldest son , who was still only sixteen years old , cradling his bloodied youngest . " help me ," lennon begged helplessly . and for a moment , when liam looked at his two boys , he didn't see them for the boys they'd grown into . he saw them as the babies they used to be .
despite his mind still trying to process the last five seconds , liam scrambled for his phone in his jacket pocket , his trembling fingers dialing whatever numbers he could . his vision blurred around the edges , his eyes filling with tears . it felt like he was being tortured , as if ever single bad thing he'd ever done in his life had decided to follow him and stick itself onto his boys as punishment . he stammered and hiccupped like a broken man on the phone with the emergency services , trying to explain the sight before his eyes , but it felt like he was watching himself from the third person . the whole time , lennon was crying for his baby brother to come back , to come home , because it wasn't time yet . gene still had so , so much time , so many years to make mistakes , to be a kid , to become everything he'd ever wanted to be . but would it ever happen ? would gene just become a ' what if ?' lennon held his baby brother just a little tighter at the thought , the sounds of his father's jumbled sentences slowly fading into static .
...
the next hour was a blur . an ambulance had been sent to the house , where three paramedics forced gene out of his brother's arms and onto a stretcher . liam was on the ambulance's tail for the duration of the drive to the hospital . lennon was sitting in the passenger seat , in a daze . he didn't think that picture of gene would ever leave his mind , and it would never leave liam's . fatherhood had made him soft , and anything that had to do with his kids made him so weak , so vulnerable . liam tried to not cry in front of lennon , his son didn't have to see that right now .
the hospital wait was excruciating . sterile , white walls and that almost sour smell that came from the many high---end cleaning products that were used to keep the hospital spotless . gene was rushed into the emergency room , and there were many hushed whispers about the blood loss . how deep that poor boy had gone . the whispers circled in lennon's head , along with the permanent mental image of gene in his mind . it would'nt go away . it would never . go . away . he could hear his racing heart beat and his blood sizzling in his ears . but , in the midst of it all , lennon felt his father's hand cup his . liam didn't say much , mostly because he didn't trust himself to say anything wise , or to say anything at all . lennon didn't expect anything from him , either . after a few torturous hours , a nurse came to speak to the two . gene was still here , but he was critical . there was a lot more that she had said , but lennon stopped listening after her first two sentences . all he could think about now was : was gene scared ? for one single moment , was gene scared ? did he mean to ? when he finally pressed down , was he glad ?
did he mean it ?
...
lennon's body was already in motion before he could even think about what he wanted to do . he was pushing past anyone in his path , until he finally reached the room gene was in . the nurse had told them that he'd be sleeping for awhile , but lennon didn't care because all he wanted was to see his baby brother . he opened the door very slowly . there was a doctor and another nurse checking all of those confusing , overwhelming medical devices . seeing gene in a hospital bed , weak and pale and smaller than usual , was like a cruel punch in the stomach . his arms were wrapped tightly in medical bandages . presumably , they'd managed to stop the bleeding . lennon let out a breath that he was convinced he'd been holding for seven hours . seven hours of unknowing , of hopelessness , of every emotion close adjacent of dread . and he'd finally breathed it out . he didn't ask for permission before he quietly pulled up a chair near gene's hospital bed , reaching out and letting his fingertips gently graze over gene's knuckles . and soon , a few minutes later , liam came to join them .