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Chapter Text

Flashing club lights , and the sticky heat of dancing bodies surrounded Feng Xin as he made his way through the club. Every year, Xie Lian and his stupid boyfriend Hua Cheng would host a New Year’s party in New York's biggest club, renting out the whole venue for only their guests. Over time however, the “just friends” list, that was usually a small number of people, had evolved into friends of friends, random strangers, and just about anyone who had an ID of 21+ that the bouncers let in at the front door. It was the main reason Feng Xin had been skipping out on these for the last couple years. He only came this time because Shi Qingxuan (and the others) was blowing up their GC, practically begging for him to come.

Shi Qingxuan: FENG XIN BETTER GET HIS ASS OVER HERE THIS YEAR

Shi Qingxuan: We’d love for you to come! 🥰

Xie Lian: It’s ultimately his choice, don’t be so pushy! But you have missed out these last couple times…

Shi Qingxuan: PLEASEEEEEE i can’t deal with Pei Ming by myself again

Feng Xin: Fortunately for you, he’s not coming

Feng Xin: Ask Mu Qing or something

Shi Qingxuan: Speaking of, is he coming this year?

Mu Qing: Yes.

Mu Qing: Xie Lian, mind if I bring someone?

Xie Lian: Of course not!

Feng Xin: Bringing that shitty boyfriend of yours?

Mu Qing: Shut the fuck up

Mu Qing: And yes, bc you seem to care so much it.

A while ago, Mu Qing met a guy on a dating app, and they started dating. Everyone was super happy for them, but Feng Xin always had a lingering suspicion about him. Something was just..off about the dude. Mu Qing had always said it was because Feng Xin hated to see him happy for once in his life, (which was not true in the slightest), it was actually the complete opposite. Whenever they were together, Mu Qing always seemed so uncomfortable and tense. The guy was a dick in general, but no one else but Feng Xin seemed to understand. He was always outwardly expressive of his hate for the man, and he wanted so badly to tell Mu Qing to break up with him. Though either way, it’d probably get him slapped in the face.

I can’t even tell you the reason I care

He cleared the crowd of people, and saw Mu Qing at the bar alone, swirling his drink with a straw.

“Tang Yichen not here yet?” he questioned, sliding into the seat next to him. Mu Qing flinched, whipping his head around at the sudden appearance of Feng Xin. He turned back to his drink, scowling and crinkling his eyebrows in irritation.

“Scared the shit outta me,” Mu Qing muttered. Feng Xin paused. He seemed kind of…on edge. His gaze flicked around the club, eyes lifting up nervously from the bar every couple seconds. I wonder what the hell that’s about, Feng Xin thought, signaling the bartender over to order a drink of his own.

“You know, maybe it’s better if he doesn’t-” Mu Qing began mumbling to himself, before he was roughly yanked by his shoulders into the chest of a man.

“Better if who doesn’t what?” the man voiced from behind him, laughter tracing his tone. Mu Qing jumped, and was pulled back slightly in his chair from the force. Tang Yichen, Feng Xin thought with disgust as he looked at the man who was currently grabbing Mu Qing. He was extremely tall, in an eerie way. He had a dazzling smile of pearly white teeth that never quite reached his eyes. The dark short hair on his head was a stark contrast against his pale white skin. His whole presence was unsettling, to say the least.

“Better if you didn’t come here,” Feng Xin spat. Mu Qing glared at him, as if telling him to shut up. Tang Yichen grabbed Mu Qing’s arm, and pulled him roughly to sit on his lap. He mouthed at his neck, leaving harsh red marks on the porcelain skin with his teeth. Mu Qing squirmed, laughing awkwardly and bending his neck in odd ways to get Tang Yichen to stop. He persisted, becoming increasingly more rough the more Mu Qing moved. He chuckled lightly and breathed against Mu Qing’s neck.

“You wouldn’t say that about me, would you?” he said, still holding Mu Qing’s arms tightly to his chest. He was laughing, the stench of alcohol and cigarettes reeking off of him. Feng Xin’s blood boiled as he watched the scene unfold before him. Mu Qing was avoiding his gaze, occasionally still shifting in Tang Yichen’s lap.

“You know that I wouldn’t,” he whispered, turning his head back to peck his cheek. He looked visibly repulsed, back tensing up as he made contact. But Tang Yichen reveled in it, roughly grabbing the side of Mu Qing’s face to meet his lips, forcing him into a deep kiss. By this point, Feng Xin was fed up. He stood from his seat, ready to beat Tang Yichen’s face in, but a hand came to his shoulder, while another person ran excitedly to Mu Qing, gently leading him away from Tang Yichen.

“Woah you two, we haven’t even started the countdown yet!” Shi Qingxuan said, grabbing both of Mu Qing’s hands, slowly moving him away from where he was sitting. He laughed sheepishly, looking back at Tang Yichen, who had righted himself in the presence of other company. Xie Lian, who was behind Feng Xin, slowly guided him away from the bar as well.

“Hey, I’m so happy you’re here!” he said to Feng Xin.

“I hate that guy,” he seethed, staring at his back. Xie Lian remained quiet, but also stole a glance back at Tang Yichen. Why doesn’t Mu Qing just…leave him? Feng Xin thought. Of course, he couldn’t just ask Mu Qing that, but he truly didn’t understand it. Maybe he just had to believe that Mu Qing was genuinely…happy?

Without me, with someone who doesn’t even love him

~~~~~

“Here, drink this,” Tang Yichen said, handing Mu Qing a shot. They were all sitting in a booth now, having drinks and appetizers before going out to the dance floor for the countdown.

“Oh um…I-I’ve had a lot to drink tonight, so many I shouldn’t…”

“You’re more fun when you drink,” he laughed, practically shoving the glass into Mu Qing’s hands. He however, was too far gone at this point, slurring his words, movements slow and lagging. Mu Qing giggled awkwardly along with him, downing the shot, all signs of hesitancy hidden away. After a while, the energy around the table shifted greatly. Mu Qing had loosened up from his anxiety he had earlier, and was now sitting in Tang Yichen’s lap, arms wrapped around his neck. He had had many different types of drinks tonight, from fruity cocktails to straight liquor, drinking anything Tang Yichen had bought for him. Shi Qingxuan was shouting something incoherent into Ming Yi’s ear, stuttering his way through most of his sentences.

“No becau- because listen…if they bring back the McRibb…the economy! THINK OF THE BOOST IN SALES HOME DEPOT WILL GET!”

“The McRibb has nothing to do with Home Depot or the economy, Shi Qingxuan,” Ming Yi replied, a hint of an amused grin tugging at his lips. Shi Qingxuan was sprawled against his side, drunkenly mumbling nonsense and laughing. Looking at them, Feng Xin felt something stir within him, a feeling not so unfamiliar to him as of late. Which was concerning.

I need more alcohol.

Xie Lian was curled against Hua Cheng’s side, giggling non stop at whatever Shi Qingxuan said. He was only slightly tipsy from the two drinks he’d had tonight. Hua Cheng said that he had wanted to stay completely sober for “him and Gege’s New Year’s kiss” so he hadn’t had a single drink tonight. Feng Xin on the other hand wasn't nearly drunk enough for this. Since everyone around him had a boyfriend (he was quite literally third wheeling on three couples) he started playing this game called “Take A Shot Every Time Tang Yichen Makes Me Want To Kill Him” to occupy his time, and he was already 3 shots down, so he assumed this was going to be a long night.

I suppose I could go find someone to kiss…he thought. He didn’t want to be the only one not getting a New Year’s kiss in the whole club. Luckily for him, there were many girls out on the dance floor who were willing, sliding up (and on him) as soon as he stepped foot on the dance floor. His hands immediately fitted around a pretty blonde's waist, beginning to sway to the music with her. She was extremely drunk, a pink blush covering her face, sweat dripping slightly from her brow, giggles coming out in fits as she danced. Midnight was fast approaching, many couples making their way to the floor as well for the countdown. The girl wrapped her arms around Feng Xin’s neck, pulling him closer. He laughed dryly, slightly leaning into her embrace as they continued to move. There were bodies pushing on them, the damp heat becoming almost unbearable.

“What’s your name?” the girl shouted in his ear.

“Feng Xin,” he yelled back. She giggled, placing a hand on his chest and looking up at him with a sultry gaze. From the corner of his eye, he saw long, sleek black hair swaying in the distance. Feng Xin looked above the blonde, pulling her closer to his chest while continuing to dance with her. It was Mu Qing, along with Tang Yichen. Feng Xin’s stomach dropped, watching them together. Mu Qing was drunk as shit, letting himself be thrown and pulled against Tang Yichen, as they “danced”.

He’s happy. Stop it.

He moved his gaze from them to the countdown on the big screen. It was now less than a minute, shouting and drunken chuckles becoming increasingly louder as the seconds ticked by.

10

He looked at the blonde once again, a giggling mess as she danced against his body.

I’m not drunk enough for this.

9 

8

He felt her hands climb up his neck, feeling up the line of his jaw. His hands moved higher up her waist, attention still across the dance floor, despite the fact it made him sick.

7

6

Tang Yichen’s hands moved to Mu Qing’s backside, harshly pulling him into his body. Mu Qing laughed, hands flying to his shoulders. Even though he was extremely drunk, he still looked visibly stiff if you paid close enough attention. Feng Xin’s heart rate rose, pounding so loud he could hear it in his head, almost perfectly in time with the countdown.

5

4

Maybe I should have more to drink, he thought.

3

2

1

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The TV sounded, along with cheers and celebratory yells. Before he had time to process, Feng Xin was being pulled down into a messy kiss from the blonde. His hands returned to her waist, pulling her in. His gaze once again flicked to the other side of the dance floor, everything else blurring, if only for a moment.

Tang Yichen had Mu Qing by the waist and neck, head dipped and kissing him deeply. To Feng Xin’s surprise, Mu Qing was also glancing back at him, eyes glassy and skin flushed pink. His hands were placed around the other man’s back, but not making contact. The club music, cheering and yelling were all blocked out by Feng Xin, attention focused on the man across from him. There were so many things passing between them in those seconds. Feelings that he couldn’t voice, thoughts he wasn’t ready to share. The both of them were separated by years of fleeting relations, in place for what each of them wanted but couldn’t face. Feng Xin’s heart raced as he continued to lock eyes with Mu Qing, a world of chaos spinning through his head.

He won’t remember when he wakes up, he thought, finally able to pull his gaze away. The blonde had released her grip on him, standing upright.

“Hey, listen…” Feng Xin started, not wanting her to get the wrong idea about this whole ordeal.

“Don’t worry about it!” she laughed. “I wasn’t planning on seeing you after tonight anyway.”

“Oh, okay,” he sighed in relief.

“Jeez, don’t sound too happy,” she joked, before bidding him farewell and walking off, most likely to meet up with friends.

That went better than I thought.

People started clearing out soon after, making it easier for Feng Xin to find his party. They were gathered at the same booth as before. Everyone was drunk except for Hua Cheng, who smugly held his drowsy Gege by his side, observing the rest of the company. Tang Yichen had sobered up a bit, less clumsy than he was before, but reeking of alcohol no less. Mu Qing was sprawled next to him, arms wrapped around his shoulders and giggling. Shi Qingxuan was in a similar state, clinging to Ming Yi, mumbling random drunken nonsense once more.

“So…how is this going to work?” Feng Xin asked Hua Cheng, considering he was the only person here that was capable of a coherent thought besides himself.

“I don’t mind offering Ming Yi and Shen Qingxuan a ride,” he said. “But…maybe Tang Yichen can…find his own ride-”

“Understandable,” Feng Xin cut in. “I’ll take Mu Qing and leave him to find his own way home,” Feng Xin said. It was safer for Mu Qing to ride with him, seeing as he hadn’t had enough to drink to not be able to drive.

“Be careful,” Hua Cheng said, glancing at the pair. Tang Yichen was once again holding Mu Qing, breathing along his neck, which was now reddened with the constant irritants of teeth and tongue. Feng Xin glared, and all but stormed over to where they were sitting.

“I’ll be taking him home,” Feng Xin declared to Tang Yichen. It probably wasn’t the best way to approach the situation, but he didn’t care. If they guy wanted to fight him, so be it. At least it gave him a legitimate reason to beat the shit out of him in the name of self defense.

“The fuck you aren’t…” Mu Qing slurred from Tang Yichen’s side. The smell of alcohol poured from both of them, causing Feng Xin to shutter slightly. Tang Yichen was too drunk to even process anything, barely turning when Feng Xin gently pulled a sluggish Mu Qing up from the booth. With that, he made his way towards the exit, tuning out the slurred curses Tang Yichen was trying to shout at him. It was a tough journey to his car, practically having to drag Mu Qing across the parking lot. Feng Xin softly let Mu Qing into the passenger seat, buckling him in. He was pretty much out cold, except for the mumbles he made whenever Feng Xin touched his arms.

Strange

While on the road, Feng Xin made the spontaneous decision to take Mu Qing to his house. It was the best decision considering the state both of them were in. Feng Xin was the only one of the three of them able to drive, and he was not driving Tang Yichen. He glanced over at Mu Qing who was leaning against the car door, fast asleep. His heart ached for some reason, the same pounding coming back, blood rushing to his head.

I wish I could tell you

There are so many things that I just can’t say

Feng Xin sighed, focusing his attention back on the road.

If only you knew, he thought, while a single tear slowly rolled down his face.

Chapter Text

Sunlight poured in through the tall glass windows of an unfamiliar room. Mu Qing lay sprawled across a mattress, under silky soft sheets. I don't remember my bed being this soft, he thought while taking in the warm heat of the morning. His head pounded loudly in his ears, and he wasn't too sure why. Sitting up, Mu Qing tried to recall the night before, through fragments of hazy memories. 

New years party…

Tang Yichen…

…Feng Xin…?!

Mu Qing quickly whipped his head around, and saw Feng Xin asleep in a chair next to the bed. 

Holy shit…this isn’t my home. How the fuck did I get here?! 

Unfortunately for him, the fast movement did wonders for his current state of being wildly hungover. Clutching his head and dragging a hand through his hair he cursed. “Fucking shit…” He flopped back on the bed, the pulsing of his blood ringing in his ears becoming almost unbearable. If I’m here, that most likely means Feng Xin drove me from the club…does Tang Yichen even know I’m here? Immediately, thousands of scenarios ran through his head, stomach dropping in pure dread. 

“Why the fuck wouldn’t you call me?” 

“So you just decide to drive home from the club to a random guy’s house and spend the fucking night?” 

“I should have known you would do something like this, you bitch”

Mu Qing’s heart rate skyrocketed, breathing becoming slightly panicked.

I can’t do it, I can’t do that again 

He thought of all the yelling and screaming, throat hoarse from crying and all but begging on the ground along with shards of broken glass, shattered all because of bottled up anger. There were times where he just stood there and took it, because there wasn’t anything else he could do. Mu Qing couldn’t just leave even though he wished it were that simple. He endured every slap. Every black eye. Even if it was breaking him on the inside. Caught in a repetitive cycle of false hope and pain. 

It wasn’t always like this, he thought while tears slowly streamed down his cheeks, making small droplets on the unbelievably soft sheets below him. Maybe…maybe I can go back. Change something I did, or something, just so it doesn’t have to end up this way. Mu Qing lifted the blanket and pulled his arms from below. There, small purple bruises were forming on his forearms. Looking further, a couple yellow blemishes on his thighs from a while ago were just now starting to heal. Mu Qing stared at those bruises for a long while, before a sickening feeling formed low in his stomach. 

I’m letting him do it to me 

It’s my fault. I’m too much of a fucking coward to leave 

He curled onto his side, shaking with the emotions that overwhelmed him, filled to the brim, now only barely spilling over. The tears continued to flow, rolling down to his lips, where he could taste the faintest bit of salt on his tongue. 

I can’t 

I can’t- 

Suddenly, a hand lightly shook his shoulder. He flinched, immediately sitting up in bed to see Feng Xin standing before him. He held a glass of water in his hand, along with two small pills in the other. 

“Hey are you-“ he cut off, taking in the state of Mu Qing before him. Messed up hair, streaking eyeliner and tears down his face, bruises covering his arms and legs. Mu Qing’s eyes went wide, and he quickly wiped at his face. 

“Don’t,” he said, trying to stand. He wobbled, and would have fallen, if it weren’t for Feng Xin’s fast reflexes. He dropped the two pills in his hand, and grabbed Mu Qing’s arm. Mu Qing shrank back without meaning too, shaking Feng Xin’s grip away. His eyes went wide, and he hurriedly turned away from Feng Xin’s concerned gaze. 

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, trying to hide the crack in his voice. 

Why would you do that?

“Uhh, can I…” Mu Qing gestured to the bathroom in the bedroom. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Feng Xin responded, setting the water on the table, picking up the fallen pills and making an exit. Mu Qing went into the bathroom and locked the door. He tried looking at himself in the mirror, but every time Mu Qing saw his reflection, the voice in his head silently whispered in the back of his mind, condescending. Teasing almost.  

It's. Your. Fault.

It’s not that hard, just do it 

Splashing colder water over his face did little to quiet these thoughts, but he freshened up the best he could none the less. Coming into the main room of the apartment, he saw Feng Xin sitting on a barstool at the countertop.

“Umm, do you need…anything?” he asked, concern still covering his face. It made Mu Qing feel sick. 

“No I should uh…probably call him…” he trailed off, reaching for his phone. Feng Xin’s expression turned sour at the mention of Tang Yichen, twisting in distaste, or a form of disappointment. He  was still eyeing him, seeming like he wanted to ask something.

“Yes?” Mu Qing replied after a while, slightly annoyed. 

“Uh can I ask…?” he gestured to his own forearm, mirroring where Mu Qing’s bruises were scattered. Mu Qing quickly crossed his arms, as if it would do anything to hide them.

“I fell,” he said dryly. 

“You…fell.” Feng Xin questioned, never letting his expression of concern fall.

“Yes.” 

“But how-” 

“No, you can't ask,” Mu Qing snapped, turning to sit on a barstool across from Feng Xin, who sighed heavily. 

“I was just wondering..” he said back, probably as some sort of apology. He still had that look on his face, worried, but also…hurt? Saddened? Pity? Mu Qing wasn’t too sure what it was, and he didn't have the mindset to think through it at the moment. A doorbell sounded in the distance, making them both glance up from the table. 

“I’ll go get it-” 

“I think it’s best if you don’t-”

They started at the same time. He ended up letting Feng Xin get the door, praying it wasn’t Tang Yichen. He pulled his knees to his chest, resting his head on them and thinking of the worst case scenario. 

If it is, I’ll just go, Mu Qing thought. He didn’t want to leave, thinking about it now. He wanted to stay here as long as he could, taking the warm sunlight through the big open windows, lying in sheets soft as silk. Looking around, Mu Qing realized that Feng Xin’s apartment was quite small. There was a living area connecting to a kitchen, followed by a large bathroom and bedroom in the other room. It was decorated with house plants, photo frames, different style curtains and soft colors for each room, enhancing the effects of the natural light spilling into the apartment during the day. Many lamps of all sizes lay in corners and on shelves, causing Mu Qing to briefly wonder what it would look like when they were all turned on, with nothing but the gentle moonlight enhancing their effect. It would feel warm, he thought. Like a home. 

 Mu Qing thought of his…”home” for the last year, with the bright white LED lightbulbs, minimalistic black and gray furniture. It gave the whole flat a prison-like vibe. Wide empty halls spread on forever, giving too much space, but not enough at the same time. His eyes suddenly swelled with tears again, threatening to spill over once again. 

What is wrong with me?, he thought for a moment. He felt cold wet spots gathering on his knees, and droplets slowly dripping down his leg. It’ll…pass. It’s just been a long day.

Right? 

It always does. 

But it always comes back, doesn’t it?

Heavy boots sounded on the floor, pace quickening as they approached, causing Mu Qing to flinch. Please no, please no. He became panicked, a shiver taking over his body as if by instinct. It’ll be okay, he tried to convince himself. Maybe he was too drunk and forgot everything. Following close behind were another set of steps, also increasing in pace. There was muffled arguing,

“Where the fuck where you?!” Tang Yichen yelled while running up to Mu Qing, who was still sitting on the barstool.

He looks…worried for me. Mu Qing’s eyes once again swelled with tears, heart pounding in his chest. He wouldn’t come if he didn’t…care, right?  A heavy guilt spread over him in that moment, at the sight of Tang Yichen’s panicked anger. 

It’s my fault.  

“I d-didn’t mean to-” 

“He was obviously here, dumbass. You were too drunk to drive yourself home from the club, why would I trust you with him ?” Feng Xin interrupted, putting himself between them. Tang Yichen lashed out, brimming anger now exploding out.

“That’s not your fucking desicion is it?”, he shouted.”Why the fuck would I care what you think is best?” Realistically, it wasn’t. Feng Xin didn’t tell Tang Yichen, (exactly) that he would be taking Mu Qing home. But even if he did, it’s not like he would have done anything to stop it, or say anything in return. He was too drunk to even stand, how would he have driven? It’s not like he would have done anything to me. Like- 

Mu Qing thought of the countless nights where Tang Yichen came home, reeking of alcohol and smoke, stumbling through the doorway into their shared bedroom. The bruises that would sprout on his arms and legs over the next couple days. His neck, red with blemishes from teeth and lips. Whispers of I just love you in his ear. But also the black eyes, scratches along the sides on his face, marks from fingers digging into his wrists. Mu Qing suddenly became overwhelmed with rage, ears and face blushing red. Feng Xin was his friend for crying out loud! So what if he gets a fucking ride home from a bar? 

He wouldn’t do this for me  

He does sometimes, why isn’t that enough for you?

He would never do what Feng Xin did for me

How would you know? 

“Don’t fucking talk to him like that!” Mu Qing yelled, standing from his seat at the counter. Mu Qing defended Feng Xin, finding it unfair how rude Tang Yichen was treating him just because he gave Mu Qing a ride home. 

 “He gave me a ride home for fucks sake!” He wobbled slightly, most likely due to dehydration and lack of food since last night. Tang Yichen turned to him, grabbing his arm, pulling him to his side. Mu Qing quickly regretted his actions, panic coursing through him. Why the fuck would you say that? 

“And you didn’t think to fucking tell me?” Tang Yichen yelled, stepping back to face Mu Qing. 

“I was just about to, before you came busting in here like a fucking psychopath!”  He gestured to the phone in his hand, the screen lit with Tang Yichen’s contact information. Mu Qing was shaking, the shouting making the pounding in his head ten times worse. He looked between Feng Xin and Tang Yichen, and sensed that the situation would only get worse from here.  He sighed with defeat and exhaustion, returning to Tang Yichen’s side. There was no amount of yelling and defending from anyone that could get him out of the hole he had dug himself.

“Let’s just go.”  Mu Qing mumbled, the energy he had moments ago all gone due to the fact of obvious defeat standing before him. Gripping his arm so tight Mu Qing was sure it would bruise later. He cast his eyes to the floor, even though he felt Feng Xin’s intense gaze burning a hole the top of his head. Tang Yichen abruptly turned and made a move for the door, roughly pulling Mu Qing along with him. He cast a glance at Feng Xin, who was now sitting at the counter with his head in his hands. Part of him wished he would get up, fight for him more, just so Mu Qing wouldn't have to leave. So it gave him another opportunity to fight back as well. But he knew that wouldn't happen, no matter how much he prayed it would. The possibility of freedom seeming achievable and laughable all in a matter of minutes. Tears found their way in again, spilling slowly down his cheeks. His head pounded loudly in his ears, but did little to drown out the chaos of his thoughts as he pulled out of the door. Away from the place where he had first felt safe in the longest time.