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Euijoo is not built for sub-tropical climates, and despite knowing this for a fact, and having known this for a fact for many years, he still embarks on a 2h50m flight from Seoul to Taipei at the end of August, determined to push through. He needs the break.
He could have gone anywhere. He could have gone back to Japan for a little while, he could have gone to America, he could have gone on a backpacking trip in Brazil, or through Europe. He could have gone to the mountains, or somewhere dry and arid where his throat would burn rather than clog up with humidity. He could have picked any of these destinations, but he picked Taiwan, in the end. Booked both a hotel in Taipei, a small villa by Fulong beach, and a car for privacy.
He could have gone anywhere. He picked the one place he shouldn’t go to. Euijoo might just be a little bit of a masochist.
;;
Taipei is busy, but it allows Euijoo to feel like he can disappear in ways Seoul does not. Fulong beach is better, just as busy but in a different way, in a way that doesn’t make Euijoo feel like he’s disrupting commuters and office workers when he wants to stop in the middle of the street to look at a beautiful building. There’s something peaceful about the beach, even if it can’t fully put Euijoo’s mind at ease, but nothing has been able to in the last few years.
Maybe he shouldn’t be here, encroaching on a territory that isn’t his, like a lone wolf tempting fate. Five years ago, he was here with the rest of his team, playing a show for their goodbye tour, before Euijoo enlisted, before they all went their own ways, even if just temporarily. They never disbanded officially, and there’s a part of Euijoo that still holds on to &team, even as he pushes through a million little solo endeavours. He’s acting more now. He sings OSTs. He’s a darling of Korean variety television.
But when he asked for a break after his latest project wrapped up, his agency didn’t even protest. He’s been going at full speed for years now, because running forward is like running away from his problems and, most importantly, his feelings. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have to be the leader anymore and he has no reason to bury himself under a mountain of responsibility. At this point it’s second nature, and pushing himself to the surface feels impossible.
That was until his latest situationship fell apart. Call this a breakup trip, but Euijoo knows it’s more complicated than that. The fact is that he’s not been able to hold onto a relationship in 4 years, and even before that, things were so messy and muddled that he would never have considered what he was doing with Nico to be anything romantic. It wasn’t that. It was a lot of things, heavy and charged and fun and intense and ill-advised and an open-secret, but it wasn’t what most people would consider a romance.
Euijoo would like to tell himself it’s not why he’s here. As he looks out at the ocean, toes digging into the sand, he tells himself he’s not here for Nico, and for the lack of closure. Their goodbye was just as messy and muddled as the rest of their relationship, and somehow, Euijoo carried it with him for years afterwards, a wound that refused to heal.
;;
Euijoo didn’t try to hide his trip, not from the other members, or even Nicholas himself. He mentioned going away in the group chat, still active if very slow and mostly maintained by Maki forcing the rest of them to keep it alive. Harua asked him more details in their private chat, and maybe that’s why Nicholas is here now, standing in front of Euijoo with the wind blowing through his hair and the sun making him squint.
They haven’t seen each other in person in three years. Nicholas looks the same, only he doesn’t. There’s something more calm about him, less manic in his desire to be wild and free while pressed into the confines of an idol role. He’s a little bigger, and a little softer around the face. He’s still as terribly striking to Euijoo, making his palms itch.
Euijoo shields his eyes with a hand as he looks up at Nicholas. “Hi, Nichol,” he starts, because someone has to.
“You think you could come here without me knowing?” Nicholas asks, head tilted.
The knowing look on his face says it all, and maybe ten, or even five years ago, Euijoo would have fought back, but things change. He’s changed. Not completely. It’s not like he’s an entirely different person, and no matter how much time passes he doesn’t know that he’ll ever be able to fully shrug off the leader mantle that was once placed on his shoulders. But it’s easier, now, to admit weakness. It feels less like he’s being stabbed in the chest and letting the whole world down as he bleeds out on the floor.
A smile tugs at the corners of Euijoo’s lips. “I had a feeling you’d find out.” Nicholas barks out a laugh, sharp and a little surprising, and shifts to sit down next to Euijoo. Drapes an arm around his shoulders that Euijoo doesn’t even attempt to dislodge, fighting his first instinct to shy away from any touch. Nicholas's arm is heavy, keeping Euijoo firmly in the reality of the moment. He's here in Taiwan, sitting on the beach with Wang Nicholas. Five years erased in a split second, separate memories like eraser dust being brushed off a piece of paper.
“Welcome back to Taiwan, Euijoo-yah,” Nicholas says in Korean, the words slower than they used to be. He doesn't have as much use for the language as he used to, but he sounds achingly familiar. “How long are you here for?”
“You're not going to ask me why I'm here?” Euijoo asks, because Nicholas has to be curious, and maybe Euijoo is looking for a fight, even if he's not sure why. Just something that isn't simple acceptance, isn't Nicholas just taking Euijoo as he is, jagged pieces and all. It's like no time has passed, like Nicholas doesn't resent Euijoo for going mostly radio silent.
Nicholas falls away and leans back on his hands, digging them into the sand behind them. “I figured I'd save the interrogation for dinner, at least,” he replies, amusement in his voice, but it hides something deeper that Euijoo can't dare touch.
“I've got a two week break. Will you show me around Taipei?” The again stays unspoken, resting on Euijoo's lips before he swallows it back. The hazy memories of the night market, humid and more uncomfortable than Nicholas wanted it to rise to the surface. They had fans follow them around, and Nicholas had been upset that their first time all together in Taipei hadn't been perfect, even if Euijoo, and the rest of them, had been enchanted by the sights and the food and Nicholas’ family.
“Of course I will, Euijoo-yah.”
;;
Euijoo has always found it easy to want things, because it comes with no strings attached. It’s an abstract, to want something, and it never has to come with a goal. Sometimes, you just want something, and you leave it at that. Euijoo has wanted things that he proceeded to work his hardest with, sacrificed so much for, like his career. His bandmates.
And then he’s wanted things and let them be, like a simmering just under the surface of his skin. Things he told himself he couldn’t afford. People he couldn’t have.
People–like this thought isn’t revolving merely around Nicholas. Like he’s not the one that got away. An unfair notion, considering Euijoo never thought to keep him, because he wanted but he couldn’t make himself say it, couldn’t make himself work for it, couldn’t justify the risks and the challenges that trying could present.
As they stand at the top of Taipei 101, the city exploding with lights underneath them, Euijoo tries not to stare at the side of Nicholas’ face as he points out different landmarks. He knows full well that underneath the mask Nicholas is wearing, he is sporting a little stubble, the result of a couple of days without shaving, and he knows how it’d feel under his fingertips, coarse and rough.
Instead of absorbing any of the view, Euijoo thinks back of the first time they kissed, trembling and a little angry and absolutely terrified for the future. It hadn’t been a good kiss per se, not exactly memorable as far as kisses go, but it still had changed everything for Euijoo, because he wasn’t used to his wants to be so easily read, as if plucked right out of his brain like you would with cotton candy.
Nicholas learned to read him. What Euijoo didn’t say, or didn’t act upon, Nicholas would be the one to step forward and curve the boundary into a shape that felt less like a monster that could swallow Euijoo whole, and more into a smaller beast he could ignore, if only for stolen moments. But Nicholas also learned when not to push, when to leave the lines where they lay.
Euijoo often wonders what would have happened if Nicholas didn’t accept Euijoo pushing him away.
;;
Euijoo had missed Nicholas’ laugh. The big, honking one that'd explode out of him when he's teasing or simply just having fun. He'd missed his giggles, too. He can't say this out loud, can't say this is the reason why he's here, but the knowledge beats a drum inside his chest alongside his heart.
Hearing it now makes Euijoo feel floaty. He might be losing this impromptu game of basketball they suddenly took up while exploring Youth park, but it’s worth it for this. For Euijoo lying on the hot concrete, breathing hard, and Nicholas laughing above him, blocking out the sun. His tank top dips, giving Euijoo an overload of thoughts.
“You alright?” Nicholas asks, holding a hand out for Euijoo. He takes it, even as he rolls his eyes.
“If it was squash I’d be beating your ass,” he replies like Nicholas taunted him. It’s just the two of them falling into their old habits, and it’s so comfortable it sends a shiver rushing down Euijoo’s spine. Suddenly he’s 5 years younger and he’s listening to Nicholas tell a story about him on a variety show, all fond eyes and endeared smiles. After the filming, Euijoo would drag Nicholas into their bathroom, after everyone else was done, and let the cold shower tiles dig into his knees as he sucked Nicholas off, like a reward.
The snap back to reality comes with the basketball bouncing on the ground, and it’s a cruel, brutal second.
“You sure you didn’t concuss yourself there, Euijoo?” Nicholas asks, this time sounding slightly more concerned. Euijoo rolls his shoulders, and grins.
“It’s like you’re trying to find excuses to quit while you’re leading. I’m fine. Now let’s go,” he counters, reaching for the ball in Nicholas’ hands, not above playing dirty.
;;
“I watched your latest show, by the way,” Nicholas says, swirling his drink around his glass, condensation sweating down his fingers.
“Like Korean practice?”
“Gotta stay sharp,” a chuckle escapes him, one of those that make him sound a little stupid and that Euijoo still adores to this day. “You were good in it. Are you still not getting any villain roles though?”
Euijoo scoffs lightly, but he’s smiling as he answers. This is the kind of conversation he never thought they’d have, but it’s the way it’s always been between the two of them. It’s easy, it flows, only interrupted by food as they eat. Euijoo doesn’t have to think about it much, and most importantly, he doesn’t have to hide. He doesn’t have to put on a face, or to try to project the person Nicholas wants him to be. Nicholas has always taken him as he is.
Euijoo cups his chin with a palm. No matter the military, and no matter the years, he is still round, and he still has those big eyes of his. “They keep on saying I just don’t have the face for it.”
“That’s exactly why you’d make a brilliant one,” Nicholas counters, grinning. His necklace clinks against his empty plate when he leans forward. “Your agency isn’t selling you well enough.”
“We’re all doing the best we can. I’m booked and busy.”
“Kissing girls you don’t want to kiss,” Nicholas replies, his gaze sharp. Euijoo’s jaw clenches for a second, trying not to let the words get under his skin. He’s mostly anonymous here in Taipei, but Nicholas isn’t.
“It’s my job,” he replies, taking a sip of his whiskey like it’ll do anything to ease his dry throat. “It’s not like you’re all out and about with your boyfriend either.”
Nicholas raises an eyebrow. If he’s surprised that Euijoo knows, he doesn’t show it. “Who told you?”
“Rua.”
Euijoo bites his lip, looking down at his own empty plate. He remembers the day, when Harua had been in Korea for a few days working on a variety show he was doing. He had mentioned Nicholas’ boyfriend off-handedly, like he didn’t even expect that Euijoo didn’t know about him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Euijoo asks. There’s no anger in his voice; he’s not blaming Nicholas. He just wants to understand if Nicholas kept it away from Euijoo for the same kind of reason Euijoo hadn’t said anything about his own situationship. If they can even be honest about this, right now.
Nicholas doesn’t say anything for a minute. The air in the restaurant feels sweltering, despite the air conditioning unit humming next to them. The place is busy enough that they don’t feel like anyone will just be listening in on their conversation, but it’s also not shoulder-to-shoulder with people, making it difficult to even talk. It’s dim and smoky and hot and it smells like garlic and spice, and Euijoo wishes he could appreciate it more.
Instead he’s focused on the way Nicholas’ necklace catches the light whenever he shifts, resting there right against his skin because the tank top he’s wearing dips so low it wouldn’t be considered decent back home. He’s focused on Nicholas’ scar and how the skin stretched over the childhood injury always looks so new and pink and shiny, and he knows that Nicholas pays extra attention to it when he moisturises. He’s focused on Nicholas’ lips, pursed out like duck lips in that way he’s always done, all bitten red and a little chapped despite the humidity. He’s focused on Nicholas’ cheeks, rounded out a little more than the last time he saw him, signs of good food and good exercise, and maybe happiness.
It shouldn’t hurt the way it does, to think back of days where Nicholas was gaunt from running himself ragged. He used to say he was happy then, and maybe he thought he was. But seeing him like this, now, relaxed and more comfortable in his own skin than ever, it’s hard not to wonder if they all just told themselves lies just to keep going a little further, back then.
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Nicholas finally replies, and Euijoo has almost forgotten what they were even talking about. It slams back into him as he looks at Nicholas over the table, mouth slightly parted and shock written all over his face. Apparently, Nicholas can be honest about it, but Euijoo?
He chuckles, shaking his head to try and fling away the thoughts he can’t bear having right now. “You’re stupid,” he replies when it feels safe to, barely daring to look at the way Nicholas’ expression changes, passing through a few different emotions before he settles on amusement.
“Yeah,” he replies, a hint of bitterness to the word. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
;;
Euijoo had been asked so many times through the years if he liked the &team concept, if he thought it fit him. Sweet, docile Euijoo surely couldn't enjoy the idea of being a wild beast?
But they didn't understand there was something so freeing in it. When they were on set together playing in the mud, fighting against an imaginary world as a pack, Euijoo felt powerful, he felt free. Euijoo loved &team's concept.
It didn't make everything easy, of course. No matter where they were or what they were doing, Euijoo had to hold himself back whenever he was around Nicholas, afraid that one look too long or one touch lingering too much would give him away entirely. Afraid that it would only take one smile or one offhand comment from Nicholas for Euijoo's head to implode, splattering them all with gore and consequences.
He'd walked with that weight for years, and he thought that maybe, maybe when he enlisted and they all took a step back, he would feel relief. When they all went their own ways with promises of finding each other again when the time was right, Euijoo thought it would right something that’s always been a little off-center in his chest. But it didn’t.
He found himself missing the freedom of their concept. Especially in the military; the structure wasn’t so dissimilar to schedule upon schedule, but there was no fun to be had there. He didn’t have his friends and he couldn’t goof off and howl at the moon sometimes, just to ease the clutch living had around his lungs. Being in the military buried past thoughts and feelings and desires with new ways to discipline himself, to keep himself in check.
And yet sometimes all he wanted to do was to run out when it was raining and let himself laugh. Dance until his muscles ache. Look upon his team with unbearable fondness, the walls built in the cracks between his ribs melting like sugar dissolving in water.
Even now, he misses it. He’s found a new type of freedom, but it’s never been able to compete with rushing towards impossible goals with your best friends by your side and too much energy sparking at your fingertips. He’s also never forgotten how it felt to have Nicholas pressed against him, his lips skidding over Euijoo’s skin, the two of them forbidden. By society, by their jobs, by Euijoo himself.
He knows why he did it back then, but now, it all feels blurry.
;;
“So why did you break up with your girlfriend?” Nicholas asks. They’re drinking beer by the water, a party raging on just a few meters down the beach. People are cheering and hollering, dancing to some music that is mostly leeching bass to Nicholas and Euijoo, making the sand vibrate underfoot. It makes Euijoo feel–more alive, somehow.
They’ve been spending practically every day together, and maybe that has to do with it too, not that Euijoo would tell Nicholas that.
“She wasn’t my girlfriend,” Euijoo replies, avoiding the question. In itself, it feels like answer enough. She wasn’t his girlfriend, so they didn’t really break up, and he didn’t have to expose the uglier parts of himself to her. She wanted commitment he would never have been able to give her. He didn’t want to. “You’re going on tour soon, right?”
Euijoo had heard about it. Nicholas had joined a dance company a few years ago, and their latest production was going on an Asia tour. He was heading the bill, a pride to the whole country of Taiwan.
Nicholas chuckles, tipping his head back for a mouthful of lukewarm beer. “Deflecting again,” he says, before he nods. “I am. I didn’t want to at first, because I’m doing a lot of choreography for the agency, but it’s a good opportunity. I miss dancing for dancing’s sake. Have you really got nothing lined up?”
Euijoo shakes his head, his eyes meeting Nicholas. They’re sitting side by side, probably too close for Euijoo’s comfort but he can’t bear to pull back. Pulling back means acknowledging that they’re too close to start with.
“I’ve been sent scripts, so I’m reading them, but that’s it.”
“What are you waiting for?”
They’ve been ping-ponging questions at each other for a while now, so Nicholas going twice in a row startles Euijoo, although it’s the question itself that gives him pause. Because he can read between the lines, the thing that Nicholas is not asking and that they’ve been dancing around since the moment they stood in front of each other on this same beach.
Are you waiting for me? Are you waiting for &team?
Euijoo feels trapped in Nicholas’ eyes, the way they don’t waver, just shine bright in the moonlight. They sit here like wolves under the stars, waiting for the right moment to call out for the moon. Euijoo wishes he was running, but he’s done so much of it. He’s done so much running in his life, and he’s tired.
“I’m waiting to feel something again,” Euijoo says, and it’s the most raw and honest he’s been with himself in a long time. In years, if not a decade. When they were fucking around, the two of them, he was at his least honest, hiding behind responsibilities and fears he doesn’t have anymore. Under the moon, just the two of them, this secret seems worth spilling, as long as Euijoo is spilling it to the person he trusts the most in the world.
He doesn’t expect Nicholas to kiss him, and yet that’s what he does. A little messy, slightly off-center and tasting of cheap beer, hurried in a way kisses that shouldn’t happen always are. But Euijoo clings to Nicholas when he responds, kisses back with a fever in his veins and his heartbeat kicking up, because this is feeling. This is wrong and it shouldn’t be happening but at least Euijoo is alive.
But he’s also the one to pull back, remembering that there are other people in this equation, that him getting to be happy for a split second could make someone else miserable for weeks, for months even. He is ruining everything for Nicholas.
“Jjujju–”
“How’s your boyfriend?” Euijoo interrupts, and it’s not meant to hurt, not really. But he can still feel Nicholas’ lips on his own, can still taste him on his tongue, and he can’t do this without being crystal clear about it. They both have to know that they’re bad people for acting on impulses, for letting this happen so easily.
So fucking easy, apparently, for Nicholas to forget he’s got a whole boyfriend waiting at home.
Nicholas closes his eyes and sighs, pulling back slightly. Euijoo turns to look at the ocean in front of them, the moon turning it into millions of diamonds. Jagged edges meant to cut.
“He’s–good. He’s good.”
Euijoo laughs, something bitter and entirely void of humour. It’s not fair. None of it is fair. “Why are you even here, Nichol? Why aren’t you home?”
Nicholas pins Euijoo with a look, no amusement on his face either. He’s completely serious, completely earnest when he speaks next. “Don’t you get it yet, Euijoo? If you’re asking me to be here, if you want me around, I’ll never be anywhere else.”
Each word carves at Euijoo’s insides, the soft and squishy parts of him that want to believe in hope and love. The parts of him that believe in Nicholas and in the two of them against all odds. He wants to be angry, because Nicholas is saying all this while he does have someone in his life, someone in his bed that isn’t Euijoo, while Euijoo is nothing but the skeleton in Nicholas’ closet–almost literally.
But he can’t be angry. Instead, he’s just filled with a profound sadness.
“Did we miss our chance, Nico?” he asks, uncertain of the answer he wants to hear. Nicholas swallows, his eyes impossibly bright and also impossible to read for once.
“That’s up to you, Jjujju.”
;;
Euijoo extends his stay in Taiwan, and he avoids Nicholas. Whatever plans they’d made, he cancels them, bringing up whatever excuses he can at the moment. Food poisoning. A work meeting. A script he’s reading. Anything to keep the lid on the pressure cooker inside his head. If it pops and blows, Euijoo would rather Nicholas is not there to get splattered with the consequences.
He can’t stop thinking about their last conversation, how Nicholas put the ball firmly in his court when Euijoo had done everything he could not to hold on.
It’s terrifying, the fact that it only took them moments of being back in each other’s orbit to fall back into the exact same patterns. Like they were still 20-somethings, bright eyed and bushy tailed, the world at their fingertips but the two of them holding a ticking time bomb. Euijoo had left it in Nicholas’ hands back then and now it’s in his own, mocking him for not knowing any better. He should have known; there was no other way that a reunion with Nicholas would ever be different, no matter what Euijoo told himself.
He looks at his half-packed suitcase on his bed, his phone in his hands. His fingers tremble when he dials, and his stomach is in knots as he listens to the ringing before it connects.
”Hey, Euijoo. Aren’t you on your break?”
Fuma’s voice has never been anything but reassuring. A wave of warmth engulfs Euijoo as he closes his eyes, forcing his brain to conjure his Japanese back up. It’s gone rusty with disuse.
“Hi. Yes, I am. How are you?”
”Are you calling for pleasantries? I’m good, thank you. Getting ready for the next comeback. What do I owe the pleasure?”
Fuma choreographs for a Japanese agency these days, always on the go with new work for huge groups he’s lovingly defensive of.
“You know where I am, right?”
Fuma hums on the other end of the line.
”Yuma told me. You’ve seen Nico?”
“You know I have,” because Fuma barely worded it as a question. But then again, Euijoo doesn’t think any of them would go to Taiwan and not seek Nicholas out. “And I can’t quite decide if it was all a colossal mistake or not.”
”What happened?”
Euijoo sniffs, trying to find the words. It’s harder than ever, his own walls keeping him from easily talking about his feelings. It’s always been an issue, but at least, he’s talking to Fuma. If there was something there to help Euijoo shoulder his burdens, it was him.
“It’s just so easy when we’re together. We’re comfortable, like no time has passed, but it has, Fuma-kun. So much time has passed and yet. We’ve been together almost every day since I arrived, he’s been putting work off just to be with me. We’ve gone to all the touristy places together. And we just fell into the exact same old patterns.”
Fuma hums again when Euijoo pauses. He’d hoped for an interruption that would prevent him from having to say the next thing, but Fuma doesn’t give him an out.
“He kissed me, the other day. We kissed. He has a boyfriend, and yet he kissed me and said he’s always going to be where I am if I want him there, and I–”
Euijoo goes quiet at that, because he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. Fuma, when he next speaks, sounds so gentle, like someone talking to a spooked horse. Maybe a spooked wolf.
”Are you thinking about running away?”
Euijoo blows out a loud breath, before chuckling helplessly. He’s never been that subtle, which is why he’s not even pretending that Fuma didn’t know about him and Nicholas in the past, because that’d be a disservice to Fuma.
“That obvious, huh.”
”I know it’s your first instinct, with things that are about you. When it was about the group, you’d square up and be ready to fight. But for your own sake, or your own feelings? You tried to escape them all the time. But we’re not in the group anymore, Euijoo, and I think you owe it to yourself to see this through. You probably owe it to Euijoo from 10 years ago, to be honest.”
Exactly what Euijoo both wanted, and was scared to hear. He’s not a passive man, but some things he needs to be pushed on. There’s something acidic in the back of his throat at the way Fuma says they’re not a group anymore, because they will always be in Euijoo’s mind, but he doesn’t comment on that. He’s got too many things to sort through already.
”Do you love him?” Fuma asks, as if love was ever the only factor in this equation.
Back then, it was the last thing that mattered to Euijoo. Yes, he loved Nicholas then, something both fierce and shameful that he never admitted to anyone. But it came after their dreams, their work, their fans, their members. It came after Euijoo’s responsibilities to &team, to their staff, to Luné. It was easy to brush off and to run away from it, and it might be why it has become this uncontrollable, unwieldy beast now. Euijoo let it grow and grow, an unkempt garden that no other relationship he had after it could mow down.
And that’s scary, too, because what if it’s just Euijoo being a romantic, to open the door to this garden once again and give it a new lease of life? What if everything falls apart months in? What if they realise they idealised this relationship between them?
This might be what Fuma means by seeing it through.
“Yes,” he answers after a while, firmer than he expected himself to be. “I don’t think I’ve ever stopped.”
”Put yourself first for once, Euijoo,” Fuma says, still so gentle. Sometimes their personal talks could get so awkward, but through the years they had learned how to navigate them into a comfortable space, even if the topics weren’t always so. ”I think you deserve it.”
;;
Euijoo wishes he was drunk right now, but he’s stone cold sober. Leaning on Nicholas’ apartment doorbell, fervently wishing to the moon that his boyfriend isn’t here.
Nicholas looks disheveled when he opens the door, like he’d been sleeping. Euijoo checks his watch. It’s the middle of the afternoon, so. Figures.
“Euijoo?”
“Can we talk? Is your boyfriend here?”
Nicholas blinks rapidly a couple of times, processing the nervous energy thrumming through Euijoo. He pulls the door open further to let him.
“Yes, and no.”
Euijoo steps into the apartment. It’s small but cosy, screaming Nicholas in every single way. From the clothes displayed on the wall to the art he’s picked, the dark wood furniture and pops of colour, it fits him. It’s nowhere near as messy as Euijoo’s own place, but it’s lived-in, well-loved. Euijoo aches just being allowed in a space that is so suffused with Nicholas it’s like he’s breathing him in with every inhale, and he doesn’t want to let go.
“Do you want water? A beer?” Nicholas asks from behind Euijoo, who shakes his head in answer. He turns around, words dying on his tongue now that he can look at Nicholas, sweatpants slung low, shirt grazing his waistband. There’s a flash of colour on the swell of his hip when he reaches up to run his hand through his hair, but Euijoo forces himself to look away.
“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you the past few days,” he starts with, because he might lose the balls to do it otherwise. Nicholas’ lips twist a little.
“I’m not going to lie, I thought you’d left.”
What a reputation to have among your friends. The one that runs away from the big feelings. He lets out a soft sigh, and goes for broke.
“I almost did. But I’m here, now.”
“Why are you here, Euijoo?”
Euijoo deflects the question with one of his own, because he’s been too curious about it for too long to not ask it anymore. Not now that they’re putting their cards on the table, just the two of them and the AC blowing over their heads.
“Why didn’t you fight for me? Back then.”
Nicholas’ eye twitch. Irritation, maybe, or just the force of the whiplash going from an apology to what might sound like an accusation. But Euijoo squares his shoulders, and Nicholas finally replies.
“You didn’t want me to. You would have hated me if I did. You weren’t ready. I don’t know that you’re ready now.”
The words sting, because they’re true. Euijoo would have pushed back against them in any way, shape or form he could have, back then. He remembers being haunted by the knowledge of what they were doing, the frantic kisses and hands pushed down between their bodies, between their layers of clothing in the minutes of privacy they had. He remembers feeling ashamed of what he wanted, back then. He would have fought Nicholas on it to the bitter end, a way to protect himself even if he’d call it protecting the team.
If Nicholas had fought for him back then, Euijoo might never have forgiven him for it.
“The other day, I asked you if we missed our chance, and you said that’s up to me. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready now, either, but I want to fight for you. I want to believe we didn’t miss our chance. It’s been years and yet you’re still always in the back of my mind, that has got to count for something, right?”
Nicholas listens to Euijoo pour himself out, lips parted and eyes looking almost too bright in the afternoon light, like there are tears welling up in them. And there’s more to say, there’s more to discuss and get out in the open between them; Euijoo still has so many things he’d like to confess, so many words that have been backed up in his brain for years that he could finally find the strength to say out loud, but.
They all fizzle right out of his brain when Nicholas surges forward and kisses him again, hands cradling Euijoo’s jaw. Unlike the kiss on the beach, this is desperate, deep and raw enough to make Euijoo’s knees go weak, a small keening sound escaping him as he clings back to Nicholas.
They are not acting like mature adults, returning to their years where they were bumbling teenagers with big dreams and bigger hopes. Euijoo pulls back from Nicholas, panting hard and unable to stop himself from pawing at Nicholas’ arms, swaying closer and resting his forehead against Nicholas’ temple for a moment.
“I missed you,” he murmurs, almost like a prayer, slipping his arms under Nicholas’ to pull him into a hug, one that Nicholas responds to immediately, fingers closing around Euijoo’s thin t-shirt.
“God, Euijoo, you have no idea,” Nicholas says back, and Euijoo doesn’t.
“Can I stay? For a few hours?” Forever, Euijoo doesn’t say, because he doesn’t have the courage to. Nicholas’ fingers travel up to his hair, carding through strands at the back of Euijoo’s neck.
“Yeah.”
;;
Euijoo stays. And in the early hours of the evening, after they’ve bickered over what food to order, Euijoo kisses Nicholas again, and before he knows it, they’re awkwardly walking towards Nicholas’ bedroom, refusing to part even to check that they’re not going to bump into any furniture.
Euijoo’s back hit the mattress moments later, Nicholas hovering above him with wonder in his eyes, like he can barely believe this is real. Euijoo can relate as he runs his hands all over Nicholas’ body, fingers slipping under his shirt and pushing up.
Everything feels hazy; the AC hadn’t been running in the bedroom, so the room is distinctly hotter than the living space they were in just before, and Euijoo’s mind can’t seem to catch on one single thing at a time, flitting between the noticeable changes in Nicholas to the things that feel so achingly familiar it’s a gut punch.
Nicholas’ got a tattoo now. A little Calcifer on his hip, the flash of colour Euijoo noticed earlier. He doesn’t ask about it, but he does press his fingers against it, and then his mouth, like he’s trying to add his own brand to it. The skin there doesn’t taste any different, still so intrinsically Nicholas it has Euijoo’s cock twitch in his pants. He tastes the same as six years ago, musky and sweet, intoxicating. He sounds the same as six years ago when he moans Euijoo’s name. He moves the same when he undresses Euijoo, only slightly less panicky in his jerky movements.
He has a nipple piercing now as well, a sight that makes Euijoo’s back teeth bathe in saliva as it floods his mouth, arousal spiking like a fever when Euijoo sits up, mouth colliding with the metal ring.
“Fuck, Jjujju,” Nicholas groans, hands holding Euijoo’s head close as he tugs at the piercing with his teeth lightly, tonguing over it and warming it up, tasting the tang of metal and the salt on Nicholas’ skin.
Nothing has changed in the way Nicholas drives him fucking crazy. Euijoo is the one to pull back after a while of heavy petting, disentangling their limbs to be able to roll over, prop himself up on his hands and knees; an offering. He’s offering himself, and Nicholas swears under his breath, hand immediately grabbing one of Euijoo’s asscheeks.
“Euijoo, you sure?”
There’s a million reasons not to be. There’s a million little circumstances that should make Euijoo hesitate, and there’s a really, really big, glaring one that he is trying his best to ignore, because he is a bad person and he wants Nicholas for himself, even though he knows it’ll hurt someone else.
Euijoo is very aware of the fact that he’ll most probably regret doing this and not stopping himself before he turned Nicholas into a cheater. But he is selfish and greedy and his heart feels like a black hole right now, wanting to swallow everything around him up and keeping it in some other dimension where it can be all his, all the time. So he spreads his knees a little wider, and looks at Nicholas over his shoulder.
“I’m sure, Nichol,” he replies, his features softening at the look of worry on Nicholas’ face. Back in the day, they switched sometimes, but Euijoo was too high-strung and dependent on staying in control that he mostly topped Nicholas.
But it isn’t about keeping himself in check anymore. It’s about giving himself up.
Nicholas doesn’t argue. Instead he kisses along the knobs of Euijoo’s spine when he curls over him, and he fingers him open for what feels like hours, keeping Euijoo on the edge of an orgasm when he moves up to three fingers, until Euijoo is a slobbering mess on Nicholas’ sheets, clutching one of his pillows to bury his sweaty, burning face into. He’s not humiliated, but instead turned on beyond belief, pleasure singing through his veins with each thrust of Nicholas’ fingers, with each whispered word of praise, with each press against his prostate.
He isn’t sure when he started crying. It could have been when Nicholas called him beautiful, or when he teased a fourth finger. Euijoo is not one to beg but he wants Nicholas’ cock inside him, he wants the push and the thrill and the throbbing and the belonging, and he wants it now.
“Please, Nichol,” he heaves out between mouthfuls of air, gulping as he cries. “Please fuck me.”
“Are you crying?” Nicholas’ tone isn’t mocking, but concerned. Euijoo chuckles, breathless.
“Not bad tears. I’m just overwhelmed, and I want your cock inside me.”
Usually, Euijoo isn’t much of a dirty talker, awkward about saying such things. But he’s desperate, words whined out of him almost petulantly. And it works, God, it works, because moments later Nicholas is pulling back, making Euijoo whine even more, but he knows it’s for the best.
Because next thing he knows, Nicholas is fucking into him, slow enough that Euijoo is going to go mad with it. He considers slamming his hips back, taking more all at once, but he is giving himself up for Nicholas to take. Euijoo’ll go at his pace.
Nicholas’ nipple piercing presses against Euijoo's back when Nicholas bottoms out, plastering himself against Euijoo like he can't bear the distance. Euijoo groans, biting into the pillow underneath his mouth when Nicholas grinds against him, making Euijoo feel him inside, as deep as he can be. Nicholas’ never had the biggest cock, but he knows what to do with it, and it’s been so long for Euijoo that he’s stuffed full, tasting Nicholas in his throat.
When Nicholas starts moving, Euijoo lets go. He lets go of his resentment towards himself, his misplaced anger and the guilt that’s been eating up at him not just in the past few weeks, but for years previously. He lets go of feeling inadequate, broken, unable to love. Because in this moment, when he turns his head and he kisses the jutting bone of Nicholas’ wrist, tears clinging to his eyelashes and an ache in his lower back he’s not going to forget any time soon, Euijoo has never loved more.
Not even &team. Because &team and Nicholas have always been so interlinked in his head, and he sharply realises that he’s been clinging to a reunion in the future not just for the love of the game and a love for his team, but also for Nicholas. For another chance.
The thoughts once again evaporate right out of his head when Nicholas’ rhythm stutters a bit, when he shifts from shallow thrusts to harder ones, thrusts that drive Euijoo up the bed, sweaty limbs sliding on the sheets. Each thrust makes him see stars, pleasure bursting through his nerve-endings in ruinous ways. He gasps wetly with every one, reaching out to grab onto the hand Nicholas has gripping his hip, hoping it’ll leave marks that never fade.
Euijoo comes first, cock dragging against the sheets and a fresh wave of tears spilling out, calling out for Nicholas like he’s too far to reach and not right here with him, inside him, as close as he can be. When Nicholas follows, it’s with a wretched noise, poised between pain and pleasure as Euijoo clenches around him, refusing to let him go just yet. Nicholas squeezes Euijoo’s fingers before he leans in, kissing the back of his arm, his shoulder blade, noses around his armpit.
“Euijoo-yah,” he says quietly, devotion behind the name. In the chaos of the aftermath, Euijoo turns his head and meets Nicholas’ eyes, only to see calm in his eyes. Certainty.
“Nichol,” they need to move so he can touch Nicholas properly again without potentially dislocating a shoulder. “Can I stay?” He asks again. Nicholas laughs, incredulity laced through it.
“Yes,” he replies after a moment. “I’ll clean you up.”
There are so many things to say, so many amends to make. But for a moment, Euijoo allows himself to feel a little peace.
;;
Euijoo doesn’t end up staying.
He leaves the warmth of Nicholas’ arms in the middle of the night, pulls on his clothes gingerly, and leaves as quietly as he can as the sounds of Taipei’s night life seem to echo through Nicholas’ apartment.
He walks aimlessly for what feels like hours, the peace he felt only a few hours prior completely gone now. By the time he reaches Dahu park and all but collapses on a bench, he’s mentally exhausted.
Everything he let go of earlier hasn’t come back, but the guilt has, more powerful than ever. His selfishness, his lack of control has made Nicholas cross a line Euijoo is certain he’d never have crossed otherwise, and Euijoo is to blame for it. He only thought of himself and his desires and his own feelings, and maybe he has pushed them away for the longest time so he deserves to, but no one deserves to be hurt over it. That’s what laws are there to prevent. Isn’t there laws against people like him, that go ahead and have sex with other people’s boyfriends?
Does it matter that it’s the love of their life?
Euijoo could throw up. Because at the end of the day, as he sits there in a beautiful park in a beautiful city, once again crying and trying to breathe, he doesn’t regret what happened. He should. Someone is going to get hurt in the near future, whether it’s Nicholas, his boyfriend, or Euijoo, if not all three of them. If only he’d been able to keep his control for a while longer, let Nicholas decide what–who--he wants the most. But Euijoo didn’t, because he’s tired of wanting things and doing nothing about it.
The thing that hasn’t changed with any of the night’s events, is that he wants Nicholas. Not just as a friend, or a coworker. He wants him as a partner, by his side. The one person that Euijoo strives to hear the laugh of every day. The one to bring a smile to Nicholas’ lips whenever he thinks of Euijoo. The one to confide in, to be a shoulder to lean on for, to share with, to be free with. He wants to push Nico to do the very few things he was scared of, and he wants Nico to help him put himself out there and be braver.
He’d missed years, during which he kept on pretending this wasn’t what he wanted. Pushing the feelings down and moving on with his life to achieve his goals and dreams was more important, but what happens now, when he’s achieved said goals? Is that why he’s been feeling empty the last few months? There are always more ladders to climb, but Euijoo is happy with his level of success.
It’s not like he wasted time, dedicating himself to his craft and his group and everything else that came after. But he had pushed Nicholas away back then, and now his guilt-ridden thoughts are making him wonder if he should do it again. Fuma’s words echo in his mind, a tension headache building up behind Euijoo’s eyes.
I think you deserve this.
It’s serendipitous, the way his phone starts ringing then. Euijoo sees Nicholas’ name on the screen, anxiety twisting his stomach into knots when he answers the call. Of course he still favours calling over texting.
“Did you run away from me, Jjujju?” Nicholas starts, but he doesn’t sound angry. He doesn’t often get angry at Euijoo, even when he deserves it so much.
But the sound of his voice also calms Euijoo down immediately, his roiling thoughts appeasing to a simmer immediately. And isn’t this just it? The power that Nicholas has over him, that Euijoo wants to give him. Isn’t that what he deserves? A shot at personal happiness?
“No. I'm not running anymore. But I can’t… I can’t come back. Not like this. We fucked up, Nico. I fucked up. We shouldn’t have done this.”
There is silence on the other end, for just a few beats of Euijoo’s panicked heart, before Nicholas makes a noise, sounding a little anguished.
“Can you wait for me, Euijoo? For a day or two? Will you?”
Euijoo doesn’t say that a day or two, in the grand scheme of the many years he’s been waiting, isn’t too much to ask for. But he knows that out of the two of them, he may not have been the one doing the most waiting, so he swallows the words.
“Yeah, Nichol. I’ll wait however long you need.”
;;
When they were younger, Nicholas had always been the one to wait. Euijoo had always thought himself patient and strong-willed, but as he stares at the ceiling of his little villa’s one bedroom by Fulong beach, he realises he’s not felt this kind of antsy anticipation in so long he barely recognises it for what it is.
He’d felt it when they were offered to do &audition. He’d felt it when they were in the wings for their first ever Seoul show. He’d felt it as they were nominated for a MAMA award.
He’d felt it the very first time he watched Nicholas undress for him. Young and embarrassed and horny as hell. Nicholas’ hands had trembled, betraying his own nerves.
But, like everything, it had faded into something else. The awards, the wins, the shows and the fans; it never stopped being exciting. The kisses, touches, knowing glances; they never stopped being forbidden. Euijoo craved both, and yet he had convinced himself he could only have one, so he’d picked their careers, and he’d pushed Nicholas away.
He didn’t realise then, how much waiting around he’d forced Nicholas to do. As Euijoo would angst himself into panic attacks over their relationship or lack thereof, Nicholas waited for him. Before they even started doing anything. Nicholas had been the one to take the first step towards Euijoo, back when they weren’t even meant to be friends and Nicholas’ Korean was limited to 5 sentences and awkward chuckling. But then, he’d waited for Euijoo to be ready, already.
And now Euijoo is the one waiting, and it’s an odd feeling. He considers going for a run. He considers running straight into the ocean.
His phone rings.
;;
Nicholas stands by the French doors leading to the beach, haloed by the late afternoon, and Euijoo doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone look more beautiful. He’s been in Euijoo’s rented villa for all of five minutes, and he looks serene and composed when he turns to look at Euijoo, who, in comparison, is fraying at the edges. He’s a tangle of nerves and fears and yet he thinks he has to be brave. If Nicholas has taught him something, it’s that it’s good to be brave and to take risks and to jump, even if you’re terrified of heights.
Nicholas opens his mouth, but Euijoo hurriedly stands up from his spot on the couch, taking a step towards Nicholas as he jumps. He has to go first.
“It’s you. It’s always been you. No matter how much I shut it down, it’s always been you. For years and years.”
“I broke up with Zhiwei,” Nicholas says almost at the same time. There’s a little smile on his face as he takes a step closer to Euijoo.
“I tried so hard to get over you,” Euijoo bulldozes, barely hearing what Nicholas just said. He expected it, he thought this was what Nicholas asked him to wait on him for, but still, he’ll process the words in a minute. “It’s been years, and yet every time I’d meet someone new, I let it fizzle out. I never cared. Because I’ve been hanging on to the thought of you this whole time, and isn’t that pathetic?”
It’s not the speech he had in his head, but it’ll do, because it’s true. He’s just been pretending it wasn’t, pushing it down with work and appearances and speeches and awards. Burying it under a nice big pile of achievements.
“Euijoo, I’m in love with you.”
That catches Euijoo’s attention, his eyes flicking up to Nicholas’ in surprise. He had hope, of course he did, but he was also realistic. It would have made more sense if he was the only one stewing in this, even if Nicholas is willing to take a chance on him now. He thought maybe, just maybe… Nicholas would catch up with him. Not this, blunt and sounding easy, slipping out of Nicholas’ lips.
“But it’s been years. You’ve been dating,” Euijoo replies eventually, after doing his best impression of a fish out of water.
“And I’ve loved you through it all. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I could get married to someone else and you’d still be here,” Nicholas replies softly, tapping a finger over his heart. “I didn’t always want to keep loving you, but I’ve learned to accept it now.”
That hurts, but in an all too familiar way, because Euijoo has been there too. He knows the sensation intimately. He takes another step towards Nicholas, the two of them playing some sort of game of Marco Polo at this point. The villa’s living room has never looked so big before.
“Did you break up with him because I’m here?”
“Yes. No. I broke up with him because I cheated on him and he deserves better than that. I broke up with him because I want to be with you, in whatever way that looks like, if we can make it work. If you want to make it work.”
Euijoo swallows hard, breaths coming in shallow, like he’s gulping down his desperation. Part of him wants to scream at Nicholas to go back, to turn things around because he’ll never be good enough for Nicholas and he’ll never be able to give him what he wants and needs. But age has made him more selfish and possibly even more reckless.
He takes another step, and another, until his toes bump against Nicholas’ on the hardwood floor, warmed by the sun.
“I’m probably going to screw up, you know,” he says honestly.
Nicholas laughs, even though there are tears in his eyes. Euijoo didn’t even realise, until now, that there are some in his own too. “I know. I’ll take it.”
“I want to make it work,” Euijoo says. “I don’t want to run anymore. I’ve been so scared for half my life that I missed out on too much, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you for over 10 years, and I don’t want to miss out on any more.”
“You’re pretty sure?” Nicholas asks around a huff of laughter, his nose grazing Euijoo’s. Euijoo rolls his eyes, but reaches out to cup Nicholas’ jaw in his hand, forcing their eyes to meet.
“I love you. I’m completely sure.”
They have so much to talk about, Euijoo knows.The past, the present, the future. Stuff like logistics and who needs to know and how even they’ll work it out when they’re working in different countries. But when Nicholas leans up to kiss him, Euijoo lets all those things lie, because there are some things he wants and he’s refused to take and he’s tired of it. He kisses Nicholas back, draping his arms over Nicholas’ sturdy shoulders and letting himself be buoyed by the comfort of the two of them being on the same page.
If he smiles into the kiss, well. Only Nicholas has to know.
;;
“So, how are we going to do this? I’m on hiatus, but you’re going on tour…”
The sun has dipped fully below the horizon now, Nicholas and Euijoo lying naked under the mosquito net enveloping Euijoo’s bed. It’s their own little cocoon, for now. Euijoo rests his head on Nicholas’ chest, just to hear his steady heartbeat and all the other comical little noises that the human body does all the time. Nicholas is playing with Euijoo’s hair, pulling the strands one by one like he’s trying to see if they’d stick up on his head.
“Come with me on tour,” he says eventually, and Euijoo freezes momentarily. His first instinct is to laugh it off, but.
But. Things are different now. He can technically extend his hiatus, he’s made a lot of money in recent years by working excessively much, to the point his manager begged him to take some time for himself. There’s nothing waiting for him in Seoul; he’s given up on real plants many years ago.
“Can I?” It’s tentative, but hopeful as he tilts his head up. Nicholas looks back, the angle making him look funny.
“Yeah, why not? You want to? I’ll be getting my own room for most stops anyway so that’d be easily sorted, and I can ask for the flights schedule so we can make sure you’re on the same flights, or at least arriving the same day, and–”
Euijoo surges forward, laughing as he kisses Nicholas into silence. It’s nice to hear him so excited. Euijoo pulls back after a moment, grinning down at Nicholas.
“Yeah, I want to. I need to get it cleared with management but it should be fine, they’ve been begging me to take time off anyway. And after you’re done with the tour, you want to take a break in Seoul with me?”
Making plans for the future. It feels surreal and exciting. It makes Euijoo feel like he’s 20 all over again. Nicholas smiles back at him, and it’s his earnest, open smile, the one that makes Euijoo’s heart thump in his chest.
“Yeah. Yeah, let’s do that.”
“You can help me pick out a script.”
“I’ll rehearse your lines with you.”
Euijoo shifts, if only to be able to kiss Nicholas’ cheek, his temple, before placing a lingering kiss on his forehead. Nicholas breathes out, sounding content.
“Maybe I can help you get the villain role you deserve,” Nicholas murmurs with a smirk. Euijoo chuckles.
“And I’ll finally get to kiss the only one I want to kiss.”
It’s incredibly cheesy, to recall Nicholas’ line from a couple of weeks earlier, but Euijoo wants to bask in it for a little bit longer. He knows that soon enough they’ll be back to bickering as a way of flirting, so the emotional openness of the moment is something he wants to cherish, even if it’s embarrassing.
And when he kisses Nicholas again, it’s just right.