Chapter Text
It was a dimly lit Saturday morning. The day had just begun- yet Tweek was already sure the day would turn out to be something awful. If he had ever managed to sleep, he would no doubt dream of a dark premonition. That was just his type of luck- a soothsayer of danger that nobody believed. Truth or lie, his words were simply never trusted. Because everyone thought he was crazy! He'd beg to differ that he was the only rational person in this insane asylum of a town!
Anyways. As the sun began to rise over the foggy haze breathed by the snow kissed mountains on the horizon, Tweek's daily mantra of doom while curled in bed was broken by a knock- swiftly followed by his mother's saccharine voice. A cloying shriek that gave the boy a headache. Or maybe the pounding in his head was because he hadn't had coffee in eight hours... Or maybe the government had sent out a sound-wave that would discreetly explode his brain into mush- anything was possible!
"Tweek dear, get dressed. You've got work to do today!"
Ugh. Tweek got out of bed with an exaggerated groan, all of his joints popping from under his flesh like a symphony of microwave popcorn. He'd be a real treat at a movie-theater for cannibals. He crawled out of bed like a beat lumbering from its cave, moving stiffly in discomfort as the cold shot through every pore. He got ready for the day as always, by putting on his clothes and *thinking* about brushing his hair...
The bleached blonde walked down stairs, immediately reaching out for the coffee pot. He poured a mug, feeling the warmth seep into his fingers before he quickly chugged down Atleast half of it. He didn't even taste it- and he didn't want to. Coffee was disgusting. It tasted like bitter soil, every sip like swallowing sweltering mud. Despite the repulsive attack on Tweek's tastebuds, he couldn't go a few hours without the caffeine hit. He felt awful without it.
He remembered he went on a camping trio and couldn't have coffee for a week. It was torture. He got all sluggish no matter how much he slept- and he slept a lot. That was new. He got much hungrier too- but he always ate too much and ended up feeling bloated and nauseous after every bite. He had a migraine- And he was all itchy, and his mouth was dry! No matter how much water he drank, his craving was never quenched. It made him moody and pissed off the whole time, so he ended up punching Clyde in the nose because he kept singing some moronic song about tacos raining from the sky. He just felt sick and disconnected the entire time. It was not a good trip at all.
So, he dealt with the miserable flavor to spare the rest of his day from being unbearable. Or- more unbearable than usual... As soon as he swallowed down the coffee, a deep feeling of longing inside his veins was swept away. But not for long. Never long enough. He always needed more and more as time went on. Stronger blends and more of them.
Tweek didn't eat breakfast- he rarely did. He never had any appetite after his morning coffee.
Tweek's feverish chugging was only stifled when he felt his father's hand land on his shoulder. He jolted and nearly screamed, his face twisting up as Richard started to speak to his startled son.
"Tweek, I need you to go pick up our special delivery before you come into the shop today. We can't open until yo go and get it, so hurry along! Hurry, like a stream-"
Tweek didn't stick around long enough to hear his father's never ending metaphors. They never made sense anyway.
"Ok! Agh! Bye dad, love you!"
Tweek rushed out the door, only to immediately slow down. What if he slipped on the ice and burst his skull open? But his dad did say to hurry... Ah! Decision paralysis weighed heavy in his feet. Like his toe bones had suddenly become led. He took far too long deciding that he would just walk really fast down the roads to Kenny's house.
Tweek and Kenny had actually become friends ever since the March Kenny came back after Tweek decided hanging around Cartman and his friends was way too much pressure! He was sick of almost getting killed everyday for some guys he didn't even really like all that much! He's sure Kenny had it worse- considering he dealt with those assholes doing worse with him for his entire life.
Tweek looked left and right across the railroad tracks Atleast fifteen times before running across them, and finally making it to the hovel that housed all of the McCormick critters. Tweek nearly got a fist full of splinters as he knocked on the shabby wooden door, waiting for an answer. It didn't take long for Kenny's mother to open the door and let Tweek inside.
"Stuart, one of Kenny's little friends is here! I fuckin' told you to not get piss drunk when company comes over!"
"Godamnit Carol, It's not like I'm tellin' the boy to come sit and drink with me! I'm fine! You need to stop smoking when people come over! Pipe the hell down!"
As the couple argued, Tweek kept his eyes averted and rushed off to Kenny's room before he could be counted as a witness to the crime scene the two would no doubt turn the living room into. As soon as the bedroom door creaked open, Kenny looked up from his flip-phone that he had been playing snake on.
"You should really knock dude, I could have been jacking off in here or something."
Tweek gave a nervous smile, stained molars grinding against each other painfully.
"Mngh-! Sorry! You know I never knock, man."
He walked near the bed, swaying idly. Acting as if the roach infested mattress held off the ground with bricks instead-of a bed frame was a sacred throne he could only be invited to sit upon.
"Plus- I didn't hear anything."
Kenny layed on his stomach, kicking his feet in the air like some girl.
"Were you hoping to hear something? You have to be a vouyer or something, creeping through my window at five in the morning." Tweek's face turned red at the accusation, blush blooming onto his face like wine breaking across freshly fallen snow. Kenny burst out laughing as the spaz blabbered out an explanation. Kenny halted the other boys sputtering by pulling him down- and instead screeched as he fell onto the mattress, staring at his cackling companion.
"It's your own fault I broke in, Ken. You're always doing so much reckless shit that my brain gave me a nightmare about you dying! So I came to check on you! It's not every night I see my best friend get his guts pulled out his throat by a buncha clowns like rainbow ribbons! It was vivid, man!"
Tweek dug his fingers into the poor boy's shoulders like talons. Kenny rolled his eyes. He was surprised Tweek even remembered that at all- but if he could play it off as a dream, so could Kenny McCormick. It was easier that way anyways. He was sure telling Tweek he was actually immortal because of some cult bullshit would scare the guy off for good. And he didn't want to do that at all...
Tweek was kind. He baked for Kenny, gave him a hug when he needed one- and stopped him from walking into a semi-truck a good couple of times. So- paranoia wasn't always so bad if it saved him from seeing the reaper every other week. He hated that guy, he was a total douche nozzle. But yeah, Kenny was pretty sure he could get Tweek to shoot god in the dick if he asked him nicely enough- offer a pot of coffee to sweeten the deal. It would work.
"Don't get mad at me for your brain causing you trouble! It's your fault for thinking about me so much. But I'm a pretty handsome guy! I can see why it's hard to forget about me."
Tweek giggled- his constant jitters easing until he was only shaking because of his snickering. He covered his smile as he laughed. Kenny gave a gap-toothed grin- Tweek was pretty cute for a guy covered in open sores. Kenny sat up, jostling Tweek out of his laughter.
"Listen Tweekers, if your brain is really bullying the hell out of you, I got an idea to clear your mind! Give you a totally stress free time, so you can be cured of your night terrors!"
A day without stress sounded good to Tweek. Impossible- but good. Great, even. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, maybe.
"Yeah? Don't you have church tomorrow?"
Tweek tilted his head like a curious cat. Considering he was still lying down, it mussed his hair into an even sillier do. Kenny shrugged, he didn't give a damn about church, he only cared about the part where he got animal crackers and juice.
"I won't be smited down for missing one day- maybe... Plus I'll be doing a good deed. It works itself out. I'll take you out to the ice skating rink! Just us though, we're both too broke to drag Craig and Bebe along."
"That's fine- Craig is probably being held hostage by Clyde anyway for their annual 'bro night' or- gah! Or something."
Tweek blinked, suddenly realizing something.
"The skating rink? Dude I cant skate! My balance is all off and my legs are shaky! I'm gonna totally eat ice! I don't wanna lose any more teeth, man!"
"Calm your tits dude, I can catch you! And we don't even have to skate. We could just chill at the snack bar all night like bums and eat up all their food instead."
Kenny suggested before Tweek could faint from the mere idea of scraping his knees and dying from the subsequent infection.
"Yeah? I guess that sounds fun... ngh! Sure! We can hang tomorrow!"
Tweek suddenly sat up, looking terrified.
"Oh jesus! I was supposed to do pickup- and my dad told me to be quick! Ahh! He's gonna be pissed! Grah! Ack! He's gonna sell me to Egypt as a slave or something! I cant be sold to Egypt! I'm too pale! I'll get skin cancer! Have you ever watched the prince of Egypt? I'll be like that! With- with dead frogs in my hair and grasshoppers nibbling at me!"
Tweek stood up quick enough to get himself dizzy- he felt like a fish in a tornado.
"I'm pretty sure the slaves escape in that story, you'd be fine Tweeks.."
Tweek shrugged, yanking out a chunk of his hair. It fell to Kenny's floor like a pile of straw.
"I dunno! I never finished watching it! I'll see you tomorrow, I have to get the stuff for my dad now! I'll see you later!"
Before Tweek could run off, Kenny gently tugged on his arm to keep him around for an extra second.
"Ok, I'll come get you at like- four. And here, take this for your tormented mind."
Kenny gave a small smooch to Tweek's forehead- near his newly acquired bald spot. Hopefully his kisses would work as a well enough dream-catcher.
The twitchy blonde must have been allergic to Kenny's kisses, because he suddenly got a handful of heart palpitations and a fever. His insides felt like they were melting to mush and his heart was filled with bumble bee's. He couldn't fight the smile that split onto his face. This was the nicest allergic reaction Tweek had ever experienced.
"Oh- agh! Thanks- urgh! Love you, Bye!"
Tweek waved and ran out the door so he could go get whatever it was he got from the junkies living next door.
Kenny waves despite Tweek having bolted off way too fast to even see it. It was the thought that counted, after all. Kenny was excited, this was the best undercover date he'd ever pulled off. He was sure it would be absolutely epic.
"Woohoo!"