Work Text:
“I’m gonna go to jail.” Regulus said into his hands, voice wavering. Remus and Sirius paced around the room trying to figure out ways to get Regulus out of this.
“Let’s just kill him.” Sirius proposed.
2 Days Earlier
James had one hand on the wheel, the other on Regulus’ thigh. “This is my nana’s house. She gave it to me in the will. We used to come here every summer.”
Regulus nodded, eyes in his book. This was their first couple’s retreat. Or kinda a couple's retreat. He was sure James was finally gonna ask to be his boyfriend. Why else would he take Regulus to his nana’s house?
It was going to be a weekend full of romance, Regulus would make sure of it.
As soon as they entered the house, Regulus felt a sense of calm enter him. He could almost smell the Potter family holidays that were had right where he was standing. He could even see the future holidays he would spend right here. The feeling encapsulated him.
“I love your nana’s house.” Regulus blurted out.
James set their bags down on the couch. He looked around at the house as if he hadn’t recognized its beauty himself. “Yeah? I guess it is a real beaut.”
Regulus’ finger traced the edge of the couch. “Vintage?”
“I don’t know, probably.” James said with a smile, “I mean, this place is so old it was probably new to her.”
Regulus walked around the house, collecting the dust on his fingertips as he traced the walls of the house. He gasped. “You have a pool?”
“Technically she has a pool. But yeah. It probably hasn’t been cleaned or anything in years though. I wouldn’t jump in.” He followed Regulus' voice.
“My parents always thought pools were too unsanitary.” Regulus shrugged.
***
What would a secluded vacation be if they didn’t have sex? It was spontaneous, fun, and so freeing. Every date Regulus was expecting James to pop the question. Hell, he’d be fine if he got an “I love you” during missionary. This was the weekend that Regulus could officially put James’ initials in his bio and block every guy he’s come in contact with.
A pair of handcuffs fell out of the closet while Regulus was putting away sheets. “Woah, James!” He held up the fuzzy handcuffs. “Nana was a freak!”
“Maybe don’t call my nana, nana.”James turned the corner and let out a howling laugh, “Holy shit!” He grabbed them then Regulus’ waist. “You know…”
***
James Potter was on the bed in pink fuzzy handcuffs chained to the bed. Regulus let out a barely contained giggle and straddled him.
“This is…” He moved a hair out of James’ face, “So hot.”
“Yeah?” James said through a chuckle.
“Yeah.” Regulus grinded down, trying to figure out how to make his dirty talk effective. He’s never really been on top like this. “So hot.”
The sex was enamoring. Truly a dime a dozen. He was caught up in the moment. Whether that be the emotional impact of James willingly giving up his body to him, or that he trusted him enough to have him in such an intimate position. Either way, Regulus was so caught up in his head that he said it. “I love you.” He closed his eyes, expecting that when he opened them James would follow suit with his own romantic expression.
His eyes were closed for what felt like hours. He was taken out of the moment by the softening member in his ass.
“What?” James finally broke the awkward silence.
“I…” Regulus opened his eyes, “Love you? Isn’t that what this whole weekend is about? Love?”
“No, I,” He tried to buck Regulus off of him, “I don’t do that whole love thing—”
“Then why bring me to your nana’s house?”
“Its just one of my family’s summer houses that we don’t use anymore.”
“I thought you were going to ask this weekend!” Regulus raised his voice so as to not show the waver in his tone.
“Ask what!?” James raised his voice in response to Regulus’ raised voice.
“To be my boyfriend?”
“We aren't there yet.” James laughed in disbelief.
“We’ve been exclusive for five months. How aren’t we there yet?” Regulus finally got off of James’ lap.
“We have not been exclusive?”
“What?”
They stared at each other for a long moment. “I asked to be exclusive like three moments ago so we could have unprotected sex.” Regulus blinked. “Have you been having sex with other people?”
“You weren’t?”
Regulus stood up. Both of their eyes darted towards the keys. James tried to get to them first but his hand chained to the bed stopped him. Regulus grabbed the keys.
“I’m doing this because I love you. And because I know you love me. And I know that we can work this out. All couples have hardships. My parents were separated for ten…fifteen years and they’re still married so.” He rocked back and forth. “I love you.” He sidestepped out of the room.
Regulus has never spiraled in his life. Not even when he had 20 assignments due in one day. That being said, he was spiraling. He went through hundreds of relationship couch seminars, reddit forums, even a few quora threads. All signs were pointing towards the Dumbledore method. He would have to convince him that he was the best choice in 12 hours.
\\\
Regulus snuck back in the room in the morning. His eyes were puffy and he was wearing one of the sweaters he found in James’ suitcase.
“Hey lover!” Regulus had a bowl of eggs in his hands. In his defense, it was all they had.
James grimaced at it. Again, in Regulus’ defense, he never had to cook anything growing up.
“It looks like chicken shit.” James said while looking at the bowl of eggs, “Seriously, Regulus, why is it black?”
“So I was thinking,” He sat down on the bed feeding the eggs to James’ unopened mouth, “The Dumbledore Method.”
“What?”
“Give me 12 hours to prove that we belong together and by the end I’ll uncuff you.”
“Please uncuff me now.” James said softly.
“See,” Regulus was stuck on his rant, “You think you know me but you don’t, you know?”
“No, I don’t.” James sighed, “Uncuff me.”
“12 hours.”
“Regulus,” James’ voice got more hurried as Regulus left the room. “Regulus!”
Regulus didn’t have a plan. He was supposed to just go with the flow of his heart, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Since breakfast was a failure he wasn’t going to try and outdo himself with lunch. All he had was himself.
He spent a good portion of the 12 hours ranting about himself. About his home life, about college, about his past relationships.
“Have you ever had your heart broken, James?” Regulus set his head on James’ shoulder seeing as James wouldn’t be able to properly nudge him off.
“No, I don’t really ever get dumped.” James put his head back in exhaustion. He could practically feel Regulus’ eyes on him, waiting for him to ask, “You?”
“Barty Crouch Jr, tenth grade. I wanted to go to homecoming and have a great time. It was my first school dance. I wasn’t allowed to go in 9th because I had a debate thing. Whatever, not important to the story. So Barty said he would take me. I waited outside of my house for hours after having a whole Carrie esque get together sequence,” He sighed, “He stood me up, opting to go to homecoming with Evan Rosier instead of me.”
James slowly blinked, “Regulus.” His voice was sympathetic and kind to Regulus’ ears. “It’s been 13 hours.”
Oh. Right. Regulus grabbed the keys and went to uncuff James’ legs.
“You’re gonna go to jail.” James said randomly.
Regulus paused, “What do you mean?”
“Kidnapping is a felony!”
Regulus sat up straight, backing out of the room.
“Regulus, wait, no. I’m sorry.” James tried but Regulus was already leaving awkwardly slow. “I won’t go to the cops, Reg, just uncuff me. Please. Regu—Regulus!!”
He shut the door and ran for his phone.
***
“Sirius, please come over.” Regulus begged into the phone.
Sirius arrived in a little under an hour. He walked right into the hug that Regulus so desperately needed. A nice hug goes a long way when the last “nice” thing you felt was a dick in your ass.
Sirius cupped Regulus’ cheeks, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m gonna become a felon.”
“What’d you do?”
“Kidnap James.”
Sirius looked at the seriously upset look on his little brother’s face, realizing it wasn’t a joke. “Let me see him.”
***
James Potter strapped to the bed with pink fuzzy handcuffs and the addition of a ball gag Regulus found under the staircase. Damn freak that Nana was.
Sirius stared at him as he flailed and tried to get Sirius to help him. He slowly nodded and closed the door of the room.
“Remus would know what to do, he binged Law & Order an—“ Sirius reached for his phone but Regulus smacked it.
“No one else can know!”
“He’s in the car.”
A door opened and shut. Remus waved, smiling at the two Black brothers. “Hey! Sorry I know you told me to wait in the car but I have to use the little boy’s room.”
“Pee in a cup.” Regulus blurted out.
“Reggie!” Sirius hissed. “There’s got to be more than one bathroom in this house.”
“There’s not.”
Remus nodded awkwardly. “I’ll be in and out, seriously.”
“Just…” Regulus groaned, “Use the one upstairs. Use the left door, not the right. Don’t go in the room to the right.”
“Noted.” He gave a thumbs up heading up the stairs.
—-
Remus regrettably doesn’t know his rights from his lefts. It’s something he has kept under wraps for years. He always figures it out eventually. He had his pinky and his thumb in the shape of an L on both hands.
He went in the room to the right. James and Remus made eye contact.
“Help!! Help!” James’ attempts were muffled by the ball gag in his mouth.
Remus simply closed the door and slowly backed out. Regulus and Sirius were cringing at the bottom of the stairs.
“Is that kidnapping?” Regulus had his fingers next to his mouth.
Remus slowly nodded, still looking at the door. “What happened? I thought this was the romantic weekend where James would pop the question?”
“He wants to break up.” Regulus said, finally verbalizing it.
Sirius gasped. “And that would be his loss. You’re a complete 10. Mr. Fuckboy in there doesn’t see your charm and your beauty.” He hugged Regulus despite the protesting slaps. “Think of it this way, in When Harry Met Sally—“
James screamed out of frustration in the room, making the three of them jump simultaneously.
“And he’s clearly mental. Not good for you.” Sirius pet Regulus’ arm.
“Not to ruin the mood, but if Regulus gets arrested for kidnapping then we’re accomplices.” Remus cringed.
Sirius moved Regulus back and grimaced. Regulus panicked.
“Oh my god we’re so screwed,” Regulus’ pitch rises due to his panicking. “I’m so screwed! Sirius, I’m gonna go to jail!”
“What if we kill him and hide his body? There’s a lot of forest behind us.” Sirius said a little too loud as James screamed in discontent upstairs.
“No, we can’t. People will look for him.” Regulus said as if the only downside of that plan was the fact that someone would look for him, not the fact that they were thinking of taking a life. “His parents are like old money rich so they’d spend a lot of money to find him.”
“Damn rich people.” Remus made an attempt at comedy.
***
They planned for an hour. By “planning” that meant that they were actually freaking out and spewing nonsensical ideas.
“Guys,” Regulus said with a desperate smile. “Pandora is, like, a witch. What if I get her to brew me a love potion and me and James never break up and we get married?”
Remus and Sirius looked at him as if he were crazy. Maybe he was. But was it so crazy to want to be loved by someone who he’s been on numerous dates with? He almost met his mom!
Sirius looked around. “I think we should maybe just…put a pillow over his face and—“
—-
James could hear them planning his death downstairs. He might be an asshole but he didn’t deserve to die young. Thank god for flimsy sex handcuffs. He pulled at them, showing no restraint. This was officially life or death. He heard a snap. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, full of relief.
Once all restraints were off, James had to debate if he would just jump out the window naked or take time to at least put on boxers.
“I think if we asked nicely and you acted straight, we could probably get them to outsell James’ parents search efforts to make sure his body is never found.”
Regulus’ brother is so scary! But so is potentially becoming a sex offender. Boxers it is. It took him a while to actually find his clean boxers but once he did, he figured he might as well put on a shirt, socks, and shoes.
The door opened as James put his shoe on. Regulus was carrying a tray of soup and bread. If James didn’t die trying to jump out of the room, that soup would surely kill him. So he jumped out of the window.
“James! James, wait, that's so unsafe! James!” Regulus hurriedly yelled after him.
He ran to the car. Trying to open it with brute strength when he realized he didn’t have the keys. Sirius and Remus came out to see the scene. James’ examined both of their bodies to make sure they didn’t have any weapons on them. Then Regulus’ figure came from behind them. He had to run again, sprinting down the road.
—
“Oh my god,” Remus looked behind him at Regulus. “He is literally running away from you.”
“We need to follow him!” Regulus said as he searched for the keys. “Hes gonna go to the cops!”
Sirius and Regulus ran to the car but Remus stayed. “I’m gonna stay in case he comes back.” He was staying because he was scared of looking guilty by association.
Regulus drove around for what felt like a century which was actually just 20 minutes. He couldn’t find James anywhere. He even googled where the closest police station was. 2 hours away by car, like 4 walking. James definitely can’t run that in 20 minutes. That being said, James can definitely hide from a car in the forest for 20 minutes. So Regulus got out to look for him by foot.
“James!” Regulus called out, “James I’m so sorry! It was impulsive and stupid!”
“Help!” James called out. Regulus couldn’t determine whether it was for him to help him or for James to get help to get away from him.
Alas, Regulus followed the voice. He peered down and saw James trying to elevate his ankle. “Oh my god are you okay?”
“No! I fell and now my dick’s out and my ankle is surely broken.” James groaned in pain, “Can you help me?”
Regulus bent down to try and touch him but James flinched away. He softly felt the ankle. “Okay..okay um, I’m gonna call an ambulance for you.”
“Yes, yes, thank you.”
“…if you promise not to press kidnapping charges.”
“What?” James put his head back to try and distract himself from the pain, “Regulus I was joking. When you were talking about your family, you said that jail was one of your worst fears so I thought it would be a funny one liner.”
“Oh.”
“Please don’t kill me.”
“That was also a joke.” Regulus mumbled, dialing the number for an ambulance. “I really like you.”
***
James was strapped on a stretcher, groaning out in immense pain. “Can we do without the restraints? Or at least loosen it.”
Regulus bit his finger and stood next to James on the stretcher. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Yeah,” James nodded, holding Regulus’ hand.