Chapter Text
Choso
She broke up with me. I admit, I hadn’t been at my best the last several months. I’d been drinking too much at parties, focusing more on other people, I put her on the back burner. But she knew I was struggling after what happened to my brothers. I couldn’t get that last look out of my head. She wasn’t angry, she didn’t yell, she was just hurt. Her lip quivered and she held her arms around herself, trying to hold herself together as I stumbled into her apartment. I was a bit confused, not processing why she was standing there in the kitchen as I wavered on my feet. I had been at a house party a few blocks over and somehow managed to walk back to our apartment. I’d have to go back and get my car in the morning. I tore my eyes from her face to look around for some clues. There were dirty dishes in the sink, some takeout containers, a card next to a ripped open envelope, and a large cake in the middle of the island. I squinted my eyes to try to read the icing writing on top of it before cursing under my breath. My eyes shot back up to her but she wouldn’t look at me. I had missed her birthday. I had completely forgotten. I hadn’t even gotten her a gift.
I stepped towards her, reaching my hand out, but she backed away from me. There were tears streaming down her cheeks now. “Nobara came over. There’s leftovers if you want them. I think I’mm going to go to bed. You should sleep on the couch.”
Without another word, she turned away and retreated into the bedroom. The sound of the lock clicking echoed through the silent apartment. I had fucked up.
She was gone by the time I finally woke up. I searched the bedroom but it was empty. Her keys weren’t in their normal dish by the door. I put a fist to my forehead, trying to push the headache away. I had to find a way to make this up to her. I needed to get sober. I needed to show her I wasn’t the loser everyone had made me out to be.
She came from a good family, a wealthy one. We met by chance our freshman year of college. I was the sulking loner that stayed to myself and she was the outgoing theater nerd. Her parents allowed her to have theater as a minor and hobby, as long as she majored in something that would guarantee success. She was smart and talented, I was just a background character in her story. I was a scholarship kid, not something I would let anyone know. I worked in the arts center part time just to earn a bit of extra cash. There was one night where I was doing some deep cleaning, everyone was supposed to be gone. Then I heard the sweetest voice come floating out of the auditorium. I peeked in first, trying to not disturb them. She was there, in the middle of the stage, playing along on the piano. A singular spotlight illuminated her hair like a halo. She was singing a song about remorse and lost love. Every word hit me hard. I didn’t even realize my feet had started moving me forward, she attracted me like a magnet. I stopped halfway through the auditorium as she hit the last note, it lingered in the air. Then her gaze drifted over to me, and she smiled.
The first time we held hands on campus, everyone that knew her gawked like they couldn’t believe it. I heard what they whispered when they thought I couldn’t hear. You don’t even know him that well. What if he’s just after your family’s money? Does he even have anything going for him? Sure he’s okay looking, but I feel like you could do so much better. Weirdo. Loser. She always defended me, even cut a few people off for how they talked about me. That just made me fall for her even harder, she never looked down on me. Soon enough her closest friends just started to accept it/me. Some even tried to get to know me. They admitted that they had the wrong impression after they learned just how introverted I was. We all even had some things in common like enjoying rock music, finding new niche restaurants, and odd senses of humor. She was everything I never thought I needed. (And I had ruined that after four years.)
I downed three full glasses of water, choking and sputtering as it drizzled down my chin. I needed to get myself together. I pulled out my phone, debating on whether I should call or text her. She was probably busy if she wasn’t here. We graduated six months ago. I was already on a downhill slide that only got worse after that. She worked part time teaching kids how to play piano while she was also going to auditions. She had graduated with an engineering degree but she hadn’t pursued anything with it yet. Her parents had tried to get her to work for her uncle’s company but she had refused. She used the excuse that she just wanted a break after spending so long in school. The truth was, she needed to take care of me.
Two of my brothers had died in a freak car accident. I loved my brothers, even though we hadn’t been the closest. But I cried for days when I found out. And she held me for every single one of them. By the time I was able to get up, I was already done for. She tried to talk to me, I brushed her off. She suggested grief counseling, I ripped the pamphlets apart and threw them in her face. She tried to hide the alcohol from me, I just bought more. I even started doing some of the popular party drugs. Anything to take my mind off of the grief. In the beginning, she would try to find me. I’d open my bloodshot eyes and find her hovering over me. She’d pull me up and help me walk out to her car. I’d kiss her sloppily before passing out in the bed. She’d sleep on the couch.
She didn’t downplay what I was feeling, but she also didn’t want to watch me destroy myself. And I refused to process and heal. I took advantage of her at every turn. It was thanks to her family that I didn't have to work at the time. I was supposed to be figuring out my career though. I was just messing up at every turn. All I could manage at the moment was a text, I didn’t want to put her on the spot with her response. I wanted my words to linger.
I’m sorry about last night. I know I say sorry a lot. But I mean it. I want to talk tonight. Please. I think it’s time to get some help.
She didn’t reply right away. I spent the rest of the day in a daze. My brain was throbbing against my skull, I was in a constant sweat and dizzy, I couldn’t stop the nausea no matter how much water I drank. I tangled myself up in the covers, tossing and turning in discomfort until I was finally able to sleep.
By the time my eyes finally completely opened again, it was dark. I looked around with blurred vision. She wasn’t next to me. I slowly searched the rest of the apartment, everything looked the same as it had when I’d laid down. I snatched my phone but there was no notification from her. No text message, no missed call, nothing. I called her now, listening to the ring that couldn’t drown out the sound of the thumping in my chest. It went to voicemail. I tried again. And again. And again. Nothing. What the fuck? Had something happened to her? I would never be able to forgive myself. I started searching the apartment, looking for anything that might point me in the direction of where she was. I should call Nobara. If she even answered, she’d probably just curse me out. Nothing out of the ordinary in the living room. I moved to the bedroom. It was then I noticed that a lot of her clothes were missing. In the bathroom, her toothbrush, most important hair products, make up, and other items were gone. It felt like my throat was closing up and my chest started to hurt. In the kitchen I started digging through the drawers. And then I found it. A job offer in a big city. It was a show I remembered she had auditioned for. She hadn’t mentioned she had heard anything back. The letter was from a month ago. Why hadn’t she told me?
I tried calling her again. After three tries, she finally picked up with a sigh.
“Hi Choso.”
“Tell me what the fuck is going on! What's with this job offer that you didn’t bother to tell me about?”
“I actually wasn’t going to take it. I needed to take care of you. I’m sorry, I knew if I tried to tell you about all this in person you wouldn’t have taken it very well. But I need to do what I think is right for me now.”
“Where the fuck are you? Can’t we just talk in person? I promise I won’t blow up or say something stupid. You can say everything you need to say and I’ll listen.”
I was actually glad she couldn’t see how wet my eyes were currently, how my hands shook.
“No, I’m sorry. You have so much potential. You’re so smart. But you’re going down a path of self destruction that I can’t follow. And I don’t know how to help you.”
“I’ll be better, I promise. I’m sorry about your birthday, I know I screwed up. I can make it up to you. I can.”
I raced back to the bedroom, digging through my drawers. It was in here somewhere. It took me far too long to find the midnight blue velvet box that I had stashed away. Inside was a sparkling diamond ring. I had meant to propose after graduation. But then everything happened and it just….I just couldn’t bring myself to ask. That would have meant happiness when really I was drowning in sorrow.
“I know you can be better. I just don’t think it’s going to be for me. I love you so much. I don’t want to keep watching you suffer and feeling powerless. I want the best for you, I really do. But the only person that can help you now is yourself. You need to be willing to get help. The rent is paid for the next year so you don’t have to worry about that. You still have access to the savings account. I have everything I really need. You can keep everything else. Please don’t call again.”
And then the line went dead.