Chapter Text
Jud feels the fist of Monsignor Wicks collide with his stomach.
“You’re angry, you should be. It’d be dangerois if you weren’t,”
The Monsignor is speaking to him. He knows that, but it’s not just the Monsignor’s fist he feels. It’s his first fight in the ring, and it’s the fist of his father, and it’s the fist of the man he killed in the ring. It’s hard to keep straight whose fist it is because in the moment Jud’s mind remembers a hundred punches just like this one.
“I’d see your helpless, and I’d do it again, and again. I’m the world, you’re the church.
Jud feels his attackers foot fly into his stomach again, and again, each kick punctuated by a shouted, “Stay down!”
By the third kick, on pure instinct Jud reaches up and grabs the leg coming at him. He is able to delay the next attack long enough to scramble to his feet. Fists raised. Ready to fight.
He pushes the memories aside for a moment. He knows who this is. This is Monsignor Wicks. Finally dropping any pretense. Any veneer that he has maintained over the last nine months. This is the Monster that is ruining this church. Defiling the name of Jud’s kind and merciful God.
“Anger! Anger lets us fight back, take back the ground we’ve lost.”
Jud’s back collides heavily with the wall behind him. There are buttresses on either side of him. He’s cornered with no where to go. Nothing to do but fight his way out. Again. Jud raises his fists. Ready to do what he must to walk out of here.
“You’re afraid I’m gonna come at you again,” with that Wicks approaches again. Nearly lunging at Jud but pulling up short. That’s all it took though to send Jud’s mind back into panic and confusion and memories.
Deep in the corner of his mind that is still able to push past the adrenaline and memories he knows that he is in the garden of Our Lady or Perpetual Fortitude and that the man now looming in front of him is the wretched Monsignor Wicks. But the image he sees seems to flicker as his mind races through a hundred possibilities and moments in time all at once. It’s his father and Jud must protect his mother. No wait. He’s gotten into a fight with his drug dealer. Or is he homeless and desperate for cash. Is he in the ring for the first time not entirely sure what to do next. Is this just one of hundreds of fights. Fights that left him beaten and bloody, but a few dollars richer. Fights that leave him wracked with guilt a decade later over the pain and injury he caused others. Pain and injury that at the time he barely acknowledged. Or, is this The Fight. Is he going to kill this man standing in front of him? He could. He feels the Hatred bubble up in his heart.
He could.
He hates him
Hates Him
He could kill him here and now.
He can’t get a full deep breath in. Air rushes in and out of his mouth but doesn’t make it all the way to his lungs before being expelled again.
“but you’re protecting yourself. Because the world wants to destroy us”
The man his father, his drug dealer, his opponent, no, it’s Monsignor Wicks. Jud would know that voice anywhere. Can feel it leech into his ears and mind like a poison. Like a cancer that imbeds itself deep and festers.
Jud makes an aborted lunge at the man as he advances. Cold adrenaline, raw instinct, and years of muscle memory compelling his movements far more than any rational thought.
“Your version of love and forgiveness is a sop. It’s going along to get along with modernity, not wanting to offend this garbage world. Meanwhile, they destroy us.”
No. No, no that’s not right. That’s not what the church is.
Fighting up past his pain. Past the memories still clawing at his mind and stealing his breath from his chest, Jud comes back to himself. This far. No further.
This. This man. This monster. He will not be allowed to destroy this church. Jud will not allow him to spread his poison and his rot and anger any further. He must be stopped. He must see sense. The true love and acceptance of Jesus must be shown to this misguided and lost flock.
Dropping his fist Jud steps in close. Looking this blasphemous man in the eye as he makes his pledge, “You’re poisoning this church, and I’ll do whatever it takes to save it. To cut you out like a cancer”
Wicks smirks. Jud’s heart sinks. He feels like, even as Wicks turns to walk away, that he has lost in some way. That he has made a misstep. That maybe this is exactly what Wicks wanted. Jud gave in to a small part of his anger, the hateful, profoundly human, profoundly flawed, part of himself he can’t quite be rid of no matter how hard he tries. He feel that even for a second Wicks was able to see some deep and dark part of Jud. That he has proved the monster right somehow.
As Wicks pushes through the door and back into the church Jud catches sight of Cy and his ridiculous phone rig. He’s been witnessed. By both his God, and a parishioner. He knows that he cannot hide from God, he gave up on even trying years ago. God knows his heart and loves him regardless. Cy, is a different concern entirely. There is no telling what will be done with the footage Cy captured. Jud isn’t even sure what all he was able to film. How long had he been there? It didn’t really matter. Not much. Even if Cy had filmed the whole encounter and surrounding context it would never see the light of day. Cy would twist and manipulate it to cast Jud is the worst light possible. All to continue to boost the popularity of Wicks on Cy’s YouTube channel.
There is no telling the fallout of this.
The parishioners are not kind nor forgiving.
They are a cruel and unforgiving force that will tear him apart if he’s not careful.
This is not going to go well for Jud.