Archive of Our Own ^beta

2012

“Alright, has everyone drawn a slip from the pile?” Ms. Shen calls over the din of the classroom. There are a few stragglers at her desk bickering over the last few slips of paper, and she shoos them back to their seats. “Go get your materials ready. Papers, pencils—”

“Wang Yixiang borrowed my mechanical pencil the other day and hasn’t given it back,” a voice pipes up from the back, followed by a chorus of whispers and giggles. Upon hearing his name, the boy in question lifts his head from where he’d been dozing off on his desk.

Ms. Shen looks over at him and frowns disapprovingly. “Nicholas, give the pencil back and apologise,” she says in English.

Sheepishly, he straightens up and rummages through his pencil case. He finds the mechanical pencil in question, bright red with the price tag half peeled off, and hands it over to the girl behind him so she can pass it along the back row.

“Sorry,” he says, and again in English after Ms. Shen stares at him pointedly. Once the pencil has been returned and the rest of the class has settled down, Ms. Shen claps her hands together to get everyone’s attention.

“As I mentioned earlier, we’re starting a new project today that’ll go on for the rest of the year. The slips you drew just now have the names of your new penpals…”

⨾

To: Byun Ej Euji Euijoo,

Hello, my name is Wang Yixiang, but my English name is Nicholas. I’m from Taiwan and I’m 10 years old. I live with my dad, mom, and older sister. We don’t have any pets but I really like dogs.

(Yixiang can’t think of anything else to write. Ms. Shen had given them a few suggestions earlier, but none of them come to mind right now, so he sneaks a glance at his seat neighbour’s letter for some inspiration.)

My favourite sports is are badminton and basketball. When I grow up, I want to be a cool guy who plays sports. B)

How about you?

From: Nicholas

⨾

English class is Yixiang’s favourite, second only to P.E., because he’s good at it and they get to do fun things that don’t always feel like studying. Like this penpal thing.

He doesn’t know how well the project is going to go, or if he’ll even get a reply, but he writes his letter and decorates it with stickers and doodles to fill up the blank space.

If this letter is making it all the way to South Korea, he doesn’t want this Byun Euijoo to think he’s plain and boring.

⨾

Dear Nicholas,

Hi. I’m Byun Euijoo or EJ for short. I’m from Goyang in South Korea. I’m also 10 years old in internal international age. I also have an older sister. We had two pet turtles before but they died :(

I don’t play a lot of sports, but I think baseball is fun. My hobbies are building le Legos and playing with my friends.

Do you like Taiwan? I searched it online and it looks nice. I have never visited another country, but I want to explore the world when I grow up and have money.

Sincerely,

EJ

⨾

To: EJ

Wow, we’re almost the same but from different countries!!! When is your birthday? Mine is July 9. And sorry for your turtles :(

(...)

⨾

Yixiang keeps up his exchange with EJ throughout the school year, always sending at least one letter a month.

EJ even sends him a Christmas card in December wishing him a good winter break, and that’s how they find out that Taiwan and South Korea don’t have the same holiday schedules, or even the same school year.

It’s a little too complicated for their ten-year-old brains to process.

2013

Despite the limited English between the two of them, it’s easy to find things to talk about: the cartoons they watch, the music they hear on the radio, the classes they have at school, and other things going on in their lives.

And although sometimes Yixiang has to pull out his dictionary to get his jokes across, it’s worth it when he receives EJ’s responses:

You’re funny ㅋㅋㅋㅋ (← This is Korean laughing)

(…)

Sincerely,

EJ

(Cool. Yixiang has never stopped to think that maybe they laughed differently in other countries.)

Thank you 哈哈哈哈 ← this is Mandarin laughing

(…)

From: Nicholas

⨾

Yixiang usually looks forward to the end of the school year, because it means two things: summer break and his birthday.

He’s a little sad this time, though, because now it also means his English class’s penpal project is ending soon, and he won’t be able to write to EJ anymore.

“Can we do this again next year?” Yixiang asks Ms. Shen as she walks down his row of desks, collecting everyone’s final letters.

“I’ll see what I can do,” she promises with a smile.

He hands her his doodle-covered envelope, wondering if this is the last time EJ will hear from him.

⨾

To: EJ

My school is ending soon, so I can’t write letters anymore :( But I asked my teacher if we can continue the project and she said we’ll see. I hope we can talk again next school year. We’ll be in the same grade again soon!!!

Have a good summer vacation :) Me and my My family and I are going to the US to visit our relatives there. If we can send letters again next time, I’ll send you a postcard.

Do you have any summer plans?

From: Nicholas

⨾

Dear Nicholas,

I think you’ll receive this before your birthday, so happy birthday :) I hope you get a lot of presents and I hope you have fun on your vacation!

We always go to the beach and also visit our relatives in summer. It’s a little boring but also fun because I like going to the sea.

I hope we can continue writing letters too. I’ll send you a pocts postcard and some cool seashells :)

Sincerely,

EJ

⨾

When September comes around, Ms. Shen announces that they’re continuing with the penpal project, and it’s probably one of the best days of Yixiang’s life.

⨾

To: EJ

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! This letter will probably arrive late, but it’s your birthday when I’m writing this. I hope you’re having a fun party :)

I’m glad we can keep writing letters because I have so many stories about this summer!!

(...)

From: Nicholas

P.S. I hope you like the postcard and the pictures. My dad took them on his old camera and made copies so I can send them to you.

P.S.S. P.P.S. Don’t forget to send some cool seashells!!!

⨾

Sure enough, his next letter from EJ comes with a few seashells in the envelope, and a photo of him with his family as he blows out his birthday candles.

2014

Dear Nicholas,

Happy Lunar New Year!! I hope you got a lot of moneyㅋㅋ

I had a lot of fun eating food and visiting my grandparents. I have some photos my sister took when we were trying to help our grandma cook hahaha.

(...)

Sincerely,

EJ

⨾

To: EJ

Late Happy Lunar New Year!!! I ate a lot and also got a lot of money hahaha. It was really fun because most of my cousins were there too.

(...)

Anyway, I kinda have sad news. Ms. Shen told us she’s leaving the school next year, so I don’t think we can write letters anymore :(

But my mom said we can still write if I have your adress address, if your mom is okay with it too. And we can also chat online!! Do you have Facebook? I’ll add you :)

From: Nicholas

⨾

At the end of the school year, Yixiang’s class sends Ms. Shen off with a goodbye letter in English.

He won’t admit it, but he tears up a little at the same time she does, as she wishes her students well.

⨾

변의주 accepted your friend request.

변의주
Hi is this Nicholas
?

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
YES
My dad helped me find your accout hahaha

변의주
Hahaha
I thought you suddenly knew Korean

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I want to learn it now!!

변의주
(Typing…)

⨾

Even though they add each other online and chat a lot over the summer, Yixiang still writes EJ a letter once the school year starts and mails it to his home address.

It eventually becomes a tradition: one letter at the beginning of the school year, and one letter at the end. Yixiang’s parents are just relieved they don’t have to spend too much on postage every month.

2015

Dear Nicholas,

I’m starting middle school soon and I’m a little nervous. Some of my friends changed schools so I won’t know a lot of people in my class this year… but maybe I can make new friends.

(...)

Sincerely,

EJ

⨾

변의주
Happy birthday!!
And I just got your letter hahaha
Have fun in Hong Kong!!
You should only think about middle school when summer endsㅋㅋ

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
Thanks!!
I’m kinda excited for middle school tho hahaha
It sounds fun

변의주
Weirdo :P

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
Hahaha :P
But anyway
What are your plans for the summer?

변의주
Oh
We’re not going anywhere this year
So I’m just at home
Playing minecraftㅋㅋ

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
Ohhh
Is it fun??

변의주
What???
You never played it?
Omg
(Typing…)

⨾

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
HAPPY BIRTHAY
BIRTHDAY
I just sent my next letter
And a gift from Hong Kong :))

변의주
Wowww thanks11
!!
:)
How was your first week of school?
Do you still think it’s fun haha

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
YES!!
Maybe not studying hahaha but everything else is fun :)
My friend said he wanted to join dance club
I might join with him|

2016

Dear Nicholas,

It was my last day of school today. 7th grade wasn’t as scary as I thought it was gonna be. And I really liked fencing club, so thanks for encor encouraging me to join :) I think I’ll join again next year.

(...)

Sincerely,

EJ

⨾

wenoowang joined the game

<wenoowang> HI
<Boomi0907> Hey
<Boomi0907> We can finally play :D
<Boomi0907> Follow me!!

…

wenoowang fell from a high place

<wenoowang> oops
<wenoowang> i’m at the bed again

…

<wenoowang> wait
<wenoowang> my game is making a wierd noise
<Boomi0907> What do u mean

wenoowang starved to death

<Boomi0907> Hahahhaha

(Yixiang hears footsteps approaching outside, and he can tell it’s his sister before her muffled voice even comes through the door.

“Yixiang!” she calls. “It’s time to eat!”)

⨾

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
sorry I had to go
I was hungry in real life XD

변의주
Hahaha
It’s ok
I still can’t believe you never played minecraft before

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I’m bad at computer games hahaha
but let’s play again!!

⨾

To: EJ

It’s the first day of—

“What are you writing? Is that a love letter?”

Yixiang jolts in surprise and accidentally drags his pencil across the page, snapping the lead tip. He scowls in annoyance, looking up to see his friend Zhe Rui peering over his shoulder. “Why is it in English?” he asks, brows furrowed.

“I’m writing to my penpal,” Yixiang replies with a huff. “At least I was. Nosy jerk.”

“Still?” Zhe Rui snorts. “Wasn’t that project two years ago? Ms. Shen isn’t even around anymore.”

Yixiang shrugs and takes out his pencil sharpener. “So? It’s fun. We even talk on Facebook sometimes.”

Zhe Rui hums, impressed. “No wonder you’re so good at English.”

“Maybe you’re just bad,” Yixiang retorts, sticking his tongue out. “You should contact your penpal again so you can get better.”

He ducks down with a loud laugh as Zhe Rui takes a swing at his head.

⨾

To: EJ

It’s the first day of school again. ← Sorry if you see a weird line there, my friend suddenly appeared and I was so shocked I left a mark hahaha. I tried to erase it but it didn’t really work.

Anyway, I’m excited for dance club this year!! They said there’s a competition coming soon and I wanna audition for it. I think I have a really good chance :)

(...)

From: Nicholas

2017

Sometimes Yixiang thinks about how he and EJ have never seen each other outside of photos, or heard each other’s voices. They talk as much as Yixiang talks to his other friends, maybe even more, but they’ve never actually… well, talked to each other. Out loud.

It’s weird, because all of Yixiang’s friends are people he knows in real life. The kids in his class, members of the badminton club and dance club, the neighbourhood kids he plays basketball with. But he doesn’t really have any other friends like EJ, in many senses of the word.

Like, they only know each other through letters and chatting online, but only feels too diminutive for how deep their friendship actually is. Especially when EJ has heard almost every detail of Yixiang’s life that even some of his real life friends haven’t.

It’s just easier, sometimes, to tell EJ everything he feels like he can’t tell his other friends. Like somehow the physical distance softens the sharp edges of any possible judgment.

He hopes EJ feels the same.

⨾

To: EJ

It’s my last first day of middle school today. To be honest, I’m kinda nervous about the high school entrance exam already even though it’s still months before I have to take it. My teacher kept talking about it earlier and said we have to study really hard to get into a good school, but I don’t even know what kind of school I wanna go to later.

I wish I could just do badminton and dance forever haha. Obviously my parents told me I can do whatever I want, but I don’t think they’ll be super happy if I tell them I only wanna do that hahaha.

But that’s a problem for me in eight months!

(...)

From: Nicholas

⨾

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE
I HATE STUDYING

변의주
Sameㅠㅠ

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
omg
you’re online

변의주
You messaged
??
Hahaha

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hahahah
but I didn’t think you were gonna respond right NOW
you only have one month left until your exams…

변의주
Don’t remind meee
I wanna throw my books away and get on minecraft

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hey I have an idea

변의주
I am NOT gonna throw my books away and get on minecraft

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
HAHAHA
not that

we should st|
maybe we ca|

do you wanna call and study together? haha

변의주

Oh umm

(Yixiang blinks at the screen as he watches EJ’s typing bubble pop in and out. Is he writing an essay?

He’s just about to follow up with a “never mind, we don’t have to if you don’t wanna,” when EJ’s reply finally pops up.)

변의주
Sorry I was kicking my sister out of the room hahaha
Sure :)

⨾

The screen is horribly pixelated when EJ’s camera finally loads in. He doesn’t move or say anything for a moment, and Yixiang wonders if his screen has frozen.

“Hello?” he asks tentatively, suddenly feeling a little nervous for some reason. It’s just EJ, he tells himself.

The call lags for another moment before finally clearing up, and this time the video moves smoothly as EJ blinks owlishly at his computer, blue light bouncing off his face.

Yixiang has seen photos of him, of course, but it feels like another thing entirely seeing him move and hearing him speak.

“Can you hear me?” EJ says, and he sounds almost exactly like Yixiang thought he would— soft-spoken but clear. His voice sits at an even middle ground where he doesn’t quite sound like a kid anymore, but it hasn’t dropped completely yet.

“Yeah, I can hear you,” Yixiang responds. He can’t help but laugh as he rereads EJ’s last message. “Why’d you kick your sister out?”

EJ laughs too, voice cracking a little around the edges. “She would’ve bothered me the whole time about not studying. Even though I am,” he tacks on at the end, staring pointedly at Yixiang somehow without actually looking into his webcam.

Yixiang groans and draws it out for dramatic effect. “Fine,” he grumbles. “We’ll actually study.”

They fall into an easy rhythm after that, mindlessly chatting and procrastinating for a bit before they actually start studying.

They compare English notes at one point and debate weird pronunciations and spellings (they find out they’re both wrong after their ten-minute bickering leads to a quick search online), and the rest of their Saturday afternoon passes by just like that, surprisingly much more productive than Yixiang had expected.

They go mostly uninterrupted until Yixiang hears a door open on EJ’s end, and the voice of who seems to be his mom speaks.

“Euijoo-yah,” is all Yixiang picks up before EJ and his mom get into a full blown conversation in Korean.

Yixiang doesn’t really know anything about the language, but he tries picking up on context clues as he waits for them to finish talking. EJ’s mom has the same soft inflection as her son – or, rather, EJ has probably picked it up from her – so she’s probably not scolding him for something. Maybe she’s calling him for dinner, but the conversation seems to be going a little too long for that. Or maybe—

Yixiang suddenly hears EJ say his name, Nicholas. EJ’s mom makes a surprised noise, then her hand appears from off the side of EJ’s webcam to wave at Yixiang.

“Ah, hello, Nicholas,” she greets him in English. 

He straightens up in his chair and smiles with his teeth. “Hello,” he says, waving back. EJ’s mom says something else in Korean, then says bye-bye Nicholas with another wave at the camera before leaving as abruptly as she came.

“Sorry,” EJ says sheepishly, gaze cast downwards. “She was asking me about my exams. Again.”

“Oh,” Yixiang replies, maybe a little dumbly. He hadn’t picked up on anything weird just from listening to the tone of their voices, but the way EJ looks now kind of gives Yixiang the feeling that he shouldn’t keep asking.

They fall into silence for a moment as Yixiang thinks of something else to bring up, though he doesn’t take too long.

“This is kinda random, but can you teach me how to say your name right?” he asks.

EJ looks up again. “Ee-jay?” he spells out, brows furrowed in confusion.

“No, like, your Korean name.”

“Oh,” EJ says, like he didn’t expect Yixiang to ever ask. “It’s Euijoo. Eui-joo.”

“Ee-joo,” Yixiang tries. “Wi-joo?”

EJ laughs a little, but not unkindly. “More like Eu-ee-joo,” he says slowly, making sure to separate each sound. “I guess it sounds kinda weird if you don’t speak Korean.”

“I can practice,” Yixiang insists, trying not to laugh as he stumbles over the unfamiliar syllables again. “Oui-joo.”

Euijoo’s eyes turn into crescents as he laughs even harder than before.

2018

Dear Nicholas,

I’m starting high school today… I think I’m even more nervous than last time because my p everyone keeps telling me this is bigger and more important than middle school. Maybe it’s too early to worry so much, but I need to get better grades this time so I can prepare for university.

I don’t know if I can join the fencing club this year if I’m gonna focus on my studies.

(...)

Sincerely,

Euijoo

⨾

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
ugggghhhh
I’m so nervous about my exams

변의주
You got this!!
Don’t worry too much
You still have a month left

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
easy for you to say :P
you already finished the hard part
I haven’t even told my parents yet that I’m thinking of focusing on dance

변의주
It’s ok, they’ll understand
They always support you

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
yeahhh I guess

anyway
wanna play minecraft?

변의주
I’m studying :P
You should too

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
noooooooooooo
I’m tired

변의주
But not too tired for minecraft

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hey you’re the one who got me addicted

변의주
(Typing…)

We can call and study? Lol
Then play after

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
wait
one sec

never mind

변의주
??

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
sorry
my friend just asked if I wanna play basketball hahaha
talk to you later!!

maybe minecraft later if you’re done when I get back? :))

변의주
(Typing…)

(Typing…)

(Typing…)

Sure

⨾

Yixiang doesn’t understand exactly what happens after that. Or, rather, what doesn’t happen.

They don’t end up playing Minecraft. In fact, they don’t get to talk much at all afterwards, with Yixiang preparing for his final exams and Euijoo knee-deep in midterms. But they don’t really talk much after that, either.

Euijoo congratulates Yixiang on getting into his dream high school’s dance program and only brings up his own life updates when Yixiang asks. Euijoo is sincere when he congratulates him and tells him about his summer plans with his grandparents, but there’s a weird energy underneath it all that Yixiang doesn’t know how to interpret.

It’s like hearing Euijoo talk to his family all over again— indecipherable to Yixiang, scrambling for context clues like they’ve suddenly stopped speaking the same language. Realising how little he understands.

Yixiang wonders if this is what it’s like to grow up.

Regardless, it fixes itself.

Yixiang still doesn’t know how or why things had even gotten weird in the first place, to be honest, but he’s just glad when it finally ends. It had been unbearable going through the entire summer not exchanging more than three sentences with Euijoo at the start of break.

But maybe that was all Euijoo needed – a break – because he starts properly messaging Yixiang again soon enough, just after his first week of high school.

⨾

변의주
Hey

(Yixiang almost drops his phone on his face.)

변의주
How was your break?

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
EHY
Hey
pretty good !!

the summer dance workshop was really fun :)
I met some of my new seniors
one of them is the senior captain of the school’s dance crew this year
(Sent a photo)

변의주
There are like 15 people in that pic hahaha

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hahaha
the one beside me
his name’s Kuanjui
he does traditional and modern dance
he’s CRAZY

변의주
(Typing…)

Hahah
He must be if he’s the captain

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I’ll link you the vid to the summer showcase later
his solo was awesome!!

but anyway
what about you?
you visited your grandparents?

변의주
Ok hahah
And yeah
We went to Jeju with them for a bit
We were lucky it didn’t rain too much when we went lol

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
oh yeah I saw the pics you posted
lots of tangerine ice cream
I’m surprised you didn’t turn orange this time :PPP

변의주
Shut up hahahaha
I don’t think that works when they’re turned into dessert :P

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
maybe you just didn’t eat enough hahahah

변의주
(Typing…)

2019

The lull between the end of the holidays and the start of classes has always been unforgiving to Yixiang. He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly get used to the routine of getting up early for school after being in holiday limbo, no matter how many times it happens.

“I don’t wanna go back,” he groans, slumping in his seat at his PC and lightly smacking his keyboard. He stares at the Minecraft You Died! screen in front of him in despair.

“I can TP you,” Euijoo offers. He sounds like he’s trying not to laugh.

Yixiang tabs out of the game to check Discord, and sure enough, he is.

“Thanks,” he says with a scowl, just to be annoying about it, then straightens up again as his character comes back to life. “I was talking about school, though.”

“Oh.” Euijoo just laughs, the jerk. “Sucks to be you.”

Yixiang groans again. “You’re evil. I should be on break too.”

“I don’t think you should call the guy who’s teleporting you back evil.”

“Are you threatening me? Now that’s actually evil.” He clicks on Euijoo’s character to punch him.

“Ow, relax.” Euijoo pretends to hiss in pain. “Not my fault you have to go back to school tomorrow.”

“I still don’t get why you guys have a different system,” Yixiang huffs. “Like, what do you mean you’re two months younger but half a school year ahead of me?”

“Again, not my fault.”

“You should become president and change that.”

Euijoo snorts. “No thanks.”

“...For me?”

Euijoo’s character stops in his tracks, slowly turning to face Yixiang.

wenoowang was slain by Boomi0907

⨾

변의주
Hey
I have a question

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
what is it?

변의주
(Typing…)

 

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hello?

변의주
Oh sorry
My dad called me

I just wanted to ask if
Anyone has ever confessed to you..

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
what
WHAT???
DID A GIRL CONFESS TO YOU?????
ON VALENTINE’S DAY???????

변의주
Ummm
That’s a crazy conclusion to jump to

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
WHY ELSE WOULD YOU ASK ME ABOUT THIS
sorry didn’t mean to yell

변의주
I ask you about your life all the time
But ok fine. Maybe

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
HOLY SHIT
WAIT

OK WAIT
I’M AT MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
DISCORD LATER!!!

변의주
Ok relax ㅠㅠ

⨾

The first thing Yixiang says when Euijoo finally picks up the call is an emphatic, “Dude.”

“What?” Euijoo asks not-so-innocently, eyes shifting away nervously from his webcam like he doesn’t know that Yixiang is on the edge of his seat waiting to hear what happened.

“Well?” he asks impatiently. He rolls his chair closer to his desk like it’ll give him a better look at Euijoo. “Tell me everything!”

“Uh. Well.” Euijoo clears his throat. “I met up with some friends from my class earlier, and this girl—”

“What’s her name? What does she look like? What did she say?”

“Um. Chaehyun, long hair, bangs. Round face? I don’t know, she looks nice?” Euijoo says it like it’s a question. He shrugs helplessly. “She didn’t really say anything, just handed me a letter before we all went home. I read it when I got back, and it said… you know.” His face looks redder than Yixiang has ever seen it. “That she likes me, and if I like her back.” His voice grows smaller as he recounts the events.

“And?”

Euijoo knits his brows together. “...And what?”

Yixiang gapes in disbelief. “Well, do you like her? Or think she’s pretty, at least?”

“I– I guess she’s pretty,” Euijoo says. “I mean, she is. I just… don’t…” He opens his mouth, then closes it again, struggling to find his words.

He looks like a fish, Yixiang thinks.

It hadn’t occurred to him until now that he’s never really talked about girls with Euijoo before. (Except for their sisters, maybe, but they definitely don’t count.)

They’ve never talked about their crushes, or their ideal types, or anything like that— which is weird, because he could’ve sworn he knew everything there was to know about Euijoo, though recently he’s been starting to doubt it.

“Is she not your type?” Yixiang asks, when Euijoo doesn’t say anything else after a moment. Euijoo purses his lips and just shrugs again.

“I don’t know,” he says, finally. “I’m just not really interested, I guess. Gotta focus on school, you know?” He chuckles weakly.

“...I guess.” Yixiang frowns, but doesn’t prod further.

He knows Euijoo started caring more about his grades ever since they got into high school, but sometimes Yixiang wonders if he remembers that they’re still just sixteen. Still a few months away from seventeen, and over a year away from really having to think about university.

You have time, Yixiang wants to tell him. Just be a teenager.

But he can’t. They’ve never really talked about serious things like that; about growing up, and time passing by, and change. Not at loud, at least, and not all that often.

Yixiang doesn’t know how to.

Especially not with Euijoo, who’s only gotten harder to read over the years.

“I didn’t answer your question.” Yixiang remembers suddenly. The reason they ended up having this conversation in the first place. “I think the last time someone confessed to me was like, third grade,” he says with a laugh.

“Really?” Euijoo asks incredulously.

“Why do you sound so surprised? Sorry I’m not a big shot like you,” Yixiang teases.

Euijoo scoffs, shaking his head in a mix of disbelief and amusement. “I don’t know, you just seem…” He searches for the words. “You seem like you’d be pretty popular with girls. Since you’re, uh. You know— doing dance and stuff.”

“There’s definitely guys in my class who are more popular than me.” Yixiang snickers. “If there’s anyone who has a crush on me right now, I have no clue.”

Euijoo makes a weird little face at that, tilting his head in confusion like he can’t fathom it – Yixiang not being popular? Girls not liking Yixiang? – but he drops the subject with a shrug, and they move on to something else.

⨾

To: Euijoo

Back at school today!! I think my goal this year is to get a solo at the year-end showcase. It’s literally the first day back and everyone’s already talking about it so I’m kinda nervous, but I’m excited! Honestly, I might even try for senior captain next year. Kuanjui gave me a lot of really good advice last year, so I think I have a chance.

But ANYWAY. There’s something I’ve been hiding from you since summer…

(...)

From: Nicholas

⨾

변의주
YOU’RE COMING TO KOREA???

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
YOU FINALLY GOTM Y LETTER
you won’t BELIEVE how hard it was to keep this a secret!!

변의주
WHATTTTT
Omg
WOW
That’s crazy

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
YUPPP
soooo
maybe we can finally meet up :))

변의주
Definitely!!
I have to tell my parents about this LOL

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
GO GO GO

변의주
This is so crazy

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I KNOW
7 years in the making!!

변의주
(Typing…)

2020

Dear Nicholas,

I can’t believe high school is almost over ㅠㅠ It feels like it was just yesterday when I was stressing out over getting into high school, and now it’s time for me to stress out over getting into university hahaha.

I’m still considering my options, but I really wanna get into a good architecture program, so I wanna make the most of my final year! :)

(...)

Sincerely,

Euijoo

⨾

Unfortunately, their plans for the year come to an abrupt halt when the world goes into lockdown.

Taiwan gets the better end of the stick, but Yixiang’s parents decide to cancel their trip to Korea just to be safe, and it upsets him a lot more than he thought it would. He hadn’t realised how much he was looking forward to it, to finally meeting Euijoo and getting to hang out in real life, but now they don’t even know when they’ll get another chance to do it.

Yixiang has never been thrown for a loop like this before.

Euijoo starts online classes for the rest of the year, so he starts texting Yixiang more frequently about how he’s dying of boredom at home while Yixiang’s life goes on as usual. At least, until his school shuts down just before finals week, and he ends up having to do his exams online.

Just like that, he’s left stuck in his room for the remainder of the school year, typing up an email to Euijoo because they’d decided it would be funny to keep writing each other their usual letters like this while they can’t send mail.

⨾

To: [email protected]
Subject: Well this sucks

To: Euijoo

Soooo this is definitely not how I thought the year would go, but what can we do…

It doesn’t really feel like the school year ended since we didn’t get to say goodbye in person. And I don’t even know how I passed any of my exams to be honest hahaha

I hope everything goes back to normal next year. Maybe by then we’ll be able to travel again so we can FINALLY meet in real life.

(...)

From: Nicholas

⨾

Yixiang glances over at Discord just as Euijoo buries his head in his hands and lets out a muffled scream.

Brows furrowed, Yixiang asks, “Are you okay?”

In all the time they’ve known each other, he’s never seen Euijoo genuinely frustrated. Maybe it’s because he has the patience of a saint, or maybe he’s just good at keeping it to himself, but Yixiang is usually the first to throw in the towel whenever they’re studying together.

Until now.

“I’m never getting into university,” Euijoo bemoans, sliding his hands down his face as he slumps back into his chair.

“What? No way, you’re the smartest person I know.”

“You must know a lot of dumb people,” Euijoo deadpans. Yixiang, caught off guard, lets out a surprised laugh. “I just study a lot. There’s a difference.”

“Okay,” Yixiang says slowly. “So you’re the most hard working person I know. Why are you making it sound like a bad thing?”

Euijoo sinks further down into his chair, falling silent. The bags under his eyes are more prominent than ever, his hair awkwardly sticking out from his nape. He fiddles anxiously with the drawstrings of his hoodie as he considers his next words.

It’s the most exhausted Yixiang has ever seen him.

“Do you ever feel—” Euijoo hesitates, “—like you’re not doing enough?”

Yixiang straightens up in his seat, blinking.

“Are we… still talking about studying?”

“...Not really,” Euijoo says, half smiling, half wincing. “It’s about a lot of things. I don’t know.”

He takes another while to continue, like it’s difficult for him to speak, but Yixiang waits.

He’ll always wait, though sometimes it almost feels like a moral failing on his part, that his best friend doesn’t feel like he can speak his mind freely about things like this no matter how long they’ve known each other. He wonders how long Euijoo has been holding onto this thought that it’s starting to spill through the cracks now.

“Sometimes I just wonder if any of this really matters,” Euijoo says, finally, voice quiet. “All the hard work, or whatever. It doesn’t feel like it when I never get the best results, anyway. There’s always something to– to change.”

“That’s… a huge expectation to set for yourself.” Yixiang frowns. “You don’t have to be the best at everything, or change yourself for it. You just have to do your best, and you already are.”

“I know,” Euijoo laughs wryly. “It’s— I don’t wanna sound like I’m blaming them, but it’s my parents.”

Yixiang nods slowly. He can’t say he’s had the same experience with his own parents, and maybe that’s why Euijoo has always been hesitant to bring it up. But he understands.

Euijoo has always been the type to put others before himself, to curl into himself to make room for everyone else, regardless of what it means for him. Maybe it’s why he never tells Yixiang these things. 

“Their expectations can be a lot, I guess,” he continues, “but they’ve done so much for me, and I feel like the least I could do is… be what they want me to be. But there’s only so much I can do.”

“It should be enough that you’re trying. I mean, surely they can see that?”

“Doesn’t seem like it, sometimes.” Euijoo shrugs, looking down as he tugs at the drawstrings of his hoodie. “But they’re not perfect.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to be perfect for them. That’s not on you.”

Euijoo nods. “Yeah… I guess,” he mumbles thoughtfully. Then he clears his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe they’ll get it one day.”

“They will,” Yixiang says immediately, shooting Euijoo an encouraging smile. “I know it. And if they don’t— you’ll always have me.”

⨾

변의주
Just finished my exams
I’m gonna throw up

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
please don’t
but CONGRATS!!!
YOU’RE FREE

변의주
For now lol
Ugh
I feel like I did ok
I just hope my grades are good enough for my top choice school

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
they will be
FOR SURE
I believe!!

변의주
Thanks hahaha
(Typing…)

2021

To: [email protected]
Subject: First day

Dear Nicholas,

I just finished my first day of university!! I still can’t believe I got into my dream school and I’m ACTUALLY here in person even after how crazy everything has been hahaha. Even though half of my classes are still online, I’m just glad I get to see people a few times a week LOL

(...)

Sincerely,

Euijoo

⨾

Time has been doing this strange thing lately, where the days and months blur into each other, and Yixiang can’t tell if it’s because everything is going too slow or too fast.

Either way, he’s at its mercy.

His in-person classes get cancelled for longer this time. His exams come and go in the blink of an eye, and his high school graduation doesn’t even feel real.

The only real upside to the whole situation is that he and Euijoo get to talk even more than they already did, since they’re both online all the time now. They spend practically the entire summer on a call together, playing video games and watching movies, because what else is there to do?

It’s the only thing that keeps Yixiang from completely losing his mind at home; the closest to normal his life can be these days.

At least no matter how the world changes, he knows his friendship with Euijoo will always stay the same.

⨾

To: [email protected]
Subject: Still sucks

To: Euijoo

I started uni today but everything is still online 🙃 Never mind the fact that I’m literally losing my mind, I have no idea how I’m supposed to do any of my dance stuff in my tiny room LOL but I think we’re supposed to transition back to in-person classes soon!! FINALLY.

Anyway, I already told you I reached out to Kuanjui to hang out since they’re my senior now (again), but we’re still trying to figure it out.

(...)

From: Nicholas

⨾

The biggest downside is that there’s too much time to ponder on things.

Yixiang has never considered himself an overthinker, but he’s also never been alone with his own thoughts for this long.

He and Euijoo are in the middle of a study session when he suddenly asks, “Do you think we still would’ve become friends even if it weren’t for the whole penpal thing?”

Euijoo is silent for a moment, absorbed in whatever online mock test he’s taking this time. “...We don’t live in the same country,” he replies, after a while.

Yixiang stares into the camera, deadpan, although Euijoo isn’t even looking at him.

“Well, obviously.” Yixiang rolls his eyes. “I meant like, imagine we did, and we spoke the same language, and we were classmates our whole lives. Don’t you think we still would’ve been friends?”

Euijoo frowns, deep in thought. For a moment, Yixiang almost thinks he’s too focused on his mock test to remember to respond. But then he says, “I don’t know. I mean, we’re kind of in different circles, aren’t we?”

“Does that matter? We still would’ve been the same kids who wrote those letters and became friends.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” Euijoo muses. “Maybe we would’ve been different people if you were born here, or if I grew up in Taiwan. Maybe we only could’ve been friends as this specific version of ourselves.”

It’s Yixiang’s turn to frown, suddenly feeling weirdly defensive over this hypothetical scenario that he brought up of his own accord. Why wouldn’t they be friends in another universe?

“I think we’d still be friends,” he says, and maybe it’s a little too forceful, too honest, because Euijoo blinks quickly a few times like he’s taken aback by how strongly Yixiang feels about it.

But it’s the truth. “I’d wanna be friends with you no matter what.”

Euijoo is quiet for a moment, the only other sound from his end being the occasional click as he goes through his mock test.

Finally, he says, in a quiet voice: “Me too.”

2022

@wy.xiang
hey I just got here
I’ll wait inside

@ru.iiiiiii_
okieee be there in 5!!

⨾

Yixiang is glad he finally gets to meet up with Kuanjui again after trying to plan it for so long.

They’d first met years ago, when they were at the same summer dance workshop, and the last time they saw each other in person was when Kuanjui graduated from high school. Yixiang has kept up with them on social media since then, and they seem like an entirely different person now.

They’re blonde now, for one. And their makeup is a lot less subtle than it used to be, but it suits them perfectly.

Maybe it’s the confidence they carry themself with, like they finally figured everything out.

“It looks good on you,” Yixiang tells them, and they smile gratefully.

They had taken Yixiang under their wing back then, and is partly the reason why he ended up at their university now, so seeing them again feels a lot like a full circle moment.

They catch up; they talk a bit about their classes, and how weird it’s been to constantly switch between online and offline. Yixiang talks about how he’d managed to land a good part in the year-end showcase for a first year student, and Kuanjui tells him about their semester abroad in South Korea and their plans of moving to Seoul right after graduation.

At some point, Yixiang’s phone starts lighting up with messages from Euijoo, and he can’t help but glance down to try and skim through them.

“Special someone?” Kuanjui asks in amusement, pointing at his phone with a long, perfectly-manicured nail.

“Oh, no, I’m not—” Yixiang flounders for a moment, catching himself as he realises how bad it might sound. He lands on, “Just— just my best friend. I think I told you about him way back. The one from Korea.”

“Right, I remember now.” Kuanjui nods slowly. “You talked about him a lot. You’re still writing letters?”

“Yeah, uh, kind of. I—” Yixiang catches the smile playing on the corners of Kuanjui’s lips, like a mischievous fairy, and suddenly feels the need to add, “I don’t like him like that.” But that sounds wrong, too, somehow.

It makes Kuanjui laugh out loud. “Okay. I wasn’t saying anything,” they say between giggles. “It’s okay to be straight.”

Yixiang opens his mouth, caught off guard. “I mean—”

He feels heat creep up his cheeks as Kuanjui’s laughter peters out, and they observe him with a strange, amused glint in their eyes. “Yes?” they prompt.

“Uh, I don’t really—” Yixiang clears his throat. He’s never given it much thought before, but something occurs to him right at this moment. “I don’t care about… that, I think. About gender. I don’t know, I haven’t really liked anyone in a while.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Just not really interested in a lot of people, I guess.”

Kuanjui hums. “What kind of people are you interested in, then? You must have some pretty high standards if no one’s caught your eye this whole time.”

“I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it.” Yixiang shrugs, mulling it over carefully. “Someone… kind and patient, I guess. Someone who’s fun to be around and can banter with me, and can balance out my energy, and—”

He trails off and glances down as his phone lights up again.

Then he glances back up and meets Kuanjui’s knowing gaze.

Oh.

⨾

@bej0907
(Sent a reel)
You lol

(Sent a reel)

(Sent a reel)
I keep getting these stupid memes on my fyp after you sent one to me the other day

(Sent a reel)
We should play this!!

…

Oops sorry for spamming
I’m so bored

You’re probably hanging out with Kuanjui rn
I hope you’re not looking at your phone
Pay attention!!

⨾

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
hear me out

변의주
Hearing

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
what if I visit you for new year

변의주
HUH

(Typing…)

Can you??

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
I think so!!
if I book everything now, definitely

변의주
Wait
(Typing…)

WAIT
We need to plan this properly

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
we still have a couple months
I could just buy the tickets now and figure the rest out later 👀

변의주
Wang Yixiang

王奕翔 (Wang Yixiang)
kiddinggg

about figuring it out later
but I am SO serious about visiting next year

변의주
(Typing…)

⨾

To: [email protected]
Subject: (no subject)

To: Euijoo

So… it’s been 10 years since we first started writing letters to each other.

I honestly would’ve never imagined I’d become best friends with my penpal from 4th grade, much less still be talking to them 10 years later, but here we are. Isn’t that crazy?? I’m surprised you aren’t sick of me yet hahaha

Jokes aside though, I’m really glad we became friends. I don’t think I’d be who I am now if it weren’t for you, and I’d like to think I’ve had a similar impact on your life as you have on mine.

[ But sometimes I feel like you don’t like me as much as I like you. In a totally platonic way. Maybe. Is that weird? Am I just overthinking things?| ]

[ I’m glad you’ve opened up more over the years, because I want to know everything about you| ]

[ I can’t wait to see you| ]

[ 有時候會想像一轉身就能見到你的感覺
幻想著能一起過的日子會有多好| ]

[ 不知道幾時能和你相遇 和你一起躺著
但我知道有你的時間地點一定是最好的| ]

Thanks for being my best friend, Euijoo. I hope we|

(Draft saved)

2023

It doesn’t feel real until Yixiang almost bowls Euijoo over with a hug when he picks him up at Incheon airport.

“Holy shit, you’re actually tall,” is, embarrassingly, the first thing Yixiang says to him.

He pulls away from the hug but keeps his hands on Euijoo’s shoulders as he takes in the sight of him, still in disbelief over how real and tangible he is. Yixiang even has to look up a little to meet his eyes.

“Did you think I was lying?” Euijoo laughs incredulously, ears reddening, but he doesn’t shove Yixiang off.

“You’re a man on the internet,” Yixiang teases. “You could’ve been lying.”

“So that’s all I am to you, huh?” Euijoo rolls his eyes, but he smiles widely, looking back at Yixiang like he’s also taking it all in.

Eleven years worth of letters and messages and calls, and now this— Yixiang and Euijoo, in the flesh.

Yixiang has the strange urge to take Euijoo’s face in his hands and squeeze, just to be sure this is really happening, but he shakes it off.

It still doesn’t truly sink in until he steps foot in Euijoo’s house, greeting his parents in simple Korean and sitting with them for the dinner Euijoo’s mom prepared for his visit.

The conversation flows easily despite Euijoo having to translate for them, and as the night goes on, Yixiang starts to better understand where Euijoo got his personality from: his dad’s humour, the one-off jokes that come out of nowhere, and his vast knowledge on random topics; his mom’s quiet yet open warmth, and the way she notices when Yixiang hesitates to ask for another serving of rice, or when Euijoo starts to get tired from all the talking.

Euijoo’s sister isn’t home, but there are pictures of her and Euijoo all over the house, and it’s clear by the way Euijoo’s mom shows them off – and the way Euijoo helps her recount their childhood stories with a fond smile – that they grew up well-loved.

It’s no wonder Euijoo is the way he is.

When they finally go up to Euijoo’s room, where he’s graciously letting Yixiang crash, there’s already an inflatable bed and a duvet set up on the floor that Yixiang immediately faceplants onto.

“Do you wanna wash up first, or should I?” he hears Euijoo ask from somewhere behind him.

Yixiang waves a hand in his general direction. “Go. I think I’m slipping into a food coma.”

Euijoo chuckles. “Okay. Try not to fall asleep.”

It takes everything in Yixiang not to do exactly that as he waits for Euijoo to come back from the bathroom.

Eventually, he gets up to keep himself awake so he can sleep uninterrupted later.

Euijoo’s room is small. Between his bed, his desk, and Yixiang’s setup on the floor, there’s just enough space to walk around and study the little things that make up his space. The eclectic mix of baseball and K-pop and movie posters on his walls, the various medals and diplomas he has on display, the books on the small shelf mounted above his desk.

Just then, Yixiang spots a shoebox tucked into the corner of the desk, pushed up against the wall and hidden slightly behind Euijoo’s computer monitor. It hasn’t collected dust, which he guesses means that Euijoo uses it often.

He reaches for it, curiosity getting the best of him, and flips the lid up to take a little peek inside.

For a moment, it seems like just a bunch of junk; a collection of old receipts and tickets and other scraps of paper. But when Yixiang leans closer to get a better look, he realises what they are.

His letters.

Euijoo kept his letters all these years.

It’s not like he expected otherwise. He has Euijoo’s letters stored safely in his room, too.

But this newfound knowledge touches him, for some reason.

Maybe it’s actually seeing it that makes all the difference to him. His letters and his childhood photos, the summer souvenirs and all the other memorabilia he managed to slip into his envelopes. The tangible proof of their friendship, of the past eleven years, sitting here in Euijoo’s room filled with all the other things that matter to him.

He puts the box’s lid back on and backs away, rapidly blinking at the Ponyo poster on the wall across from him.

Since Yixiang is only staying for a few days, he and Euijoo spend most of their time running around Seoul and Goyang doing as many touristy things as they can in the frigid January weather.

It admittedly isn’t as much as they’d be able to do during any other time of the year, and the cold quickly wears them down no matter how well they dress for it, which is why they end up indoors for the better part of Yixiang’s trip.

Not that he minds.

Euijoo takes him to a bunch of different museums and cafes and restaurants instead; places he frequents with his friends and family, and others he found online and saved specifically to check out with Yixiang for the first time.

Some places Yixiang recognises from Euijoo’s letters, or anecdotes he’s told in the past. The museum where he had his first grade field trip, the cafe his sister took him to when she got her first paycheck at her first job, his mom’s favourite seafood restaurant that they always go to for her birthday.

Despite the cold, warmth spreads through Yixiang’s body and settles in his chest as Euijoo carves a place beside his old memories for the new ones they’re making together.

On his last night before his flight back to Taiwan, Yixiang has a hard time falling asleep.

It’s hard to believe he has to leave so soon when he still feels like they have so much time left to make up for.

It’s been weird, finally getting to meet Euijoo in real life after knowing each other for so long. Yixiang has felt hyperaware of his existence the entire time, like he’s still trying to register that Euijoo is a living, breathing person and not just writing on paper or a face on his screen.

Even now, as he listens to Euijoo rustling around in his blankets, restless in his sleep, Yixiang can’t quite believe it.

Sometimes he catches himself staring at Euijoo for far too long when he talks, like when he used to try staring into the sun as a kid so he would see its imprint on the back of his lids when he closed his eyes. Yixiang finds himself looking at Euijoo the same way, trying to commit his face to memory before he has to leave, before he can only see Euijoo through a screen again.

When he hears Euijoo toss and turn once more, Yixiang finally whispers:

“Hey, you awake?”

Euijoo stills for a moment.

“Yeah,” he answers. “Did I wake you up?”

“Nah. Couldn’t sleep.” Yixiang rolls over on his side. If Euijoo leaned over the edge of his bed right now, their eyes would probably meet in the dim light of the room. “Thinking about how much it sucks that I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Euijoo hums quietly.

Then he asks, hesitantly, “Do you wanna go for a walk?”

Yixiang only takes a second to think about it.

“We’re gonna freeze our asses off,” he pretends to complain, but he’s already sitting up.

Euijoo makes sure to shove several hand warmers into the pockets of his puffiest winter jacket and lends it to Yixiang.

It’s just before midnight when they slip out of the house.

Euijoo lives in a quieter neighbourhood, so they don’t see a lot of people around at this hour, save for the convenience store worker who rings up their snacks when they stop by. It isn’t as cold as Yixiang thought it would be, though. Maybe it’s all the hand warmers.

As they walk to wherever he’s leading them to, Euijoo is the first to break the silence.

“I hope you had fun,” he says, and Yixiang can’t really see his face bundled up underneath his scarf, but he sounds a little shy.

It does something to Yixiang’s heart, strange little thing that it is.

“Of course I did,” he replies, bumping shoulders with Euijoo, laughing lightly. “I just wish I didn’t have to leave yet.”

It’s weird how being together in real life only serves to make Yixiang more aware of the distance between them. A letter, a screen, a three-hour flight.

Euijoo’s shoulder, pressed up against his in this moment, makes him wish none of it existed.

“I’ll visit you next time instead,” Euijoo promises.

Yixiang believes him.

Still, he takes his hand out of his pocket to hold out his pinky. It makes Euijoo laugh from somewhere deep in his chest – his heart, Yixiang hopes – and he laces their pinkies together.

All too quickly, Euijoo pulls his hand away as they arrive at a small playground.

They’re definitely too tall for the swings, but they sit there anyway, getting a good view of the convenience store in the distance. It’s the only store lit up at this hour, fluorescent against an otherwise dimly lit street.

“You know, this is where I read your first letter,” Euijoo says, suddenly.

The metal chain of the swing clinks as Yixiang turns to him in surprise. “Really?”

Euijoo nods. “This is where it all started for me.” He pushes off the ground lightly, rocking himself back and forth with his feet touching the ground, not fully swinging. “I remember I had no idea what to say in my letter, so I ended up talking about, like, my turtle dying or something.”

Yixiang barks out a laugh. “I remember. That was a crazy conversation starter.”

“I was ten!” Euijoo protests, holding back a laugh. “You said you wanted to be a ‘cool guy who did sports’ when you grew up.”

“That’s— okay, that’s kind of cringe, but it’s a totally normal thing to say at that age! Besides, I wasn’t too far off.”

“Yeah, I suppose dance is a sport.”

“I meant the cool guy part,” Yixiang grumbles, reaching over to smack Euijoo’s arm. It does nothing but bounce off his puffer jacket, but Euijoo pretends to clutch it in pain anyway.

“Ow. After everything I’ve done for you?”

Yixiang tugs at the chain of Euijoo’s swing, shaking it. “Tell me I’m cool.”

Euijoo rolls his eyes in exasperation, though it does nothing to hide the fondness in his voice. “You’re… a lot of things, Wang Yixiang,” he says, eyes glittering under the dim glow of the streetlights.

Yixiang looks away with a huff, fighting the smile trying to take over his face. “Whatever, Byun Euijoo.”

His conversation with Kuanjui from almost a year ago suddenly comes to mind.

What kind of person are you interested in? they asked.

Now that Euijoo is right beside him, it’s almost painfully obvious.

It had taken Yixiang a while to understand, but now that he does, he doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

“...You are pretty cool,” Euijoo finally relents. Then, after a moment of hesitation, he adds, “I’m glad we became friends.”

“Me too,” Yixiang says softly, searching his face. Maybe, if he stays here for long enough, he’ll find his answer.

Euijoo shifts on his swing, twisting to the side just enough so he’s facing in Yixiang’s direction, though he doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“You helped me a lot, you know.”

Yixiang furrows his brows. “How so?”

“I used to be so scared of everything,” Euijoo says, a quiet admission in the cold night. “Scared of getting out of my comfort zone, scared of messing things up. Scared of things I couldn’t understand. About the world, and– and about myself.

“But I think knowing you, and having you by my side—” He takes a deep breath. It fogs up in the air as he lets everything out. “I think I’m braver now because of you.”

Yixiang opens his mouth to say something – “No, you always had that in you,” – but Euijoo hasn’t finished talking.

“I didn’t know how, or when, to tell you,” he rushes to say, as if he’s been holding onto these words for so long that they’re overflowing now, “but I think you deserve to know, since you— you’re part of the reason I found the courage to tell my parents.”

The silence stretches out between them. Yixiang doesn’t even realise he’s holding his breath, until—

“I’m gay,” Euijoo says.

He meets Yixiang’s eyes for just a moment before turning his gaze to the ground, scuffing the toe of his winter boots against it.

Their past conversations come to the forefront of Yixiang’s mind, and it dawns on him that he’s had some of the puzzle pieces all along.

Without thinking, he leans over to tug at the chain of Euijoo’s swing again, pulling it as close as he can towards himself to envelop Euijoo in a hug.

Euijoo yelps in surprise as his boots skid across the ground, and he stiffens in Yixiang’s hold for a moment, afraid to lose his balance.

“Thank you for telling me,” Yixiang mumbles into Euijoo’s scarf, voice thick and slightly muffled. “This— this doesn’t change anything, okay? You’re still my best friend.”

Euijoo wraps his arms around Yixiang, finally.

Around them, light snow starts to fall.

In the morning, Euijoo sees Yixiang off at the airport.

“You better keep your promise,” Yixiang tells Euijoo, just before he leaves to go through security check.

Euijoo solemnly holds a hand over his heart. “I would never break a pinky swear.”

“Don’t even think about it. I have your address,” Yixiang jokingly threatens, poking him in the chest. Euijoo laughs, then seems to suddenly remember something.

“Oh— I have something for you, by the way.”

He reaches into his coat’s inner pocket and pulls out an envelope.

“It’s… probably better if you read it later.” He hands it to Yixiang, ears flushed, head lowered slightly.

Yixiang looks at Euijoo in curiosity. “Okay,” he says slowly.

Their hands brush as he takes the letter, and warmth spreads through his fingertips at the point of contact. Euijoo pulls his hand away too soon, but the feeling lingers.

“Take care,” he tells Yixiang, a gentle smile on his lips.

Yixiang pulls Euijoo in for a final hug.

⨾

Dear Nicholas,

Despite everything I said earlier, I’m still not as brave as I’d like to be.

I didn’t really get to tell you everything I wanted to say, though to be honest, up until it actually happened, I didn’t even know what I was gonna end up saying.

But before I tell you anything else, I hope you know I meant it when I said I’m glad we’re best friends. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world, but I feel like I never express it enough because I’m scared it would make things too weird or too serious or too… whatever.

And the thing I said about being braver because of you— what I really meant was: you make me want to be honest about my feelings, because you’ve shown me that there’s no shame in it.

Sometimes I think about that conversation we had, when you asked if I thought we still would’ve been friends if we met under different circumstances.

I didn’t understand how it was so easy for you to admit that you wanted to be friends with me no matter what. At that time, I was still coming to terms with my feelings, and I thought… would you still have said that if you knew?

But I know you’re not that kind of person, and coming out to you just proved it even further— that I have nothing to be scared of when it comes to you. That there’s no shame in my honesty, because it will never change anything about our friendship.

And now that I know it for certain, I guess what I really wanted to say is: I like you, and I think I have for a while now.

I decided not to say it earlier because I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression, or feel burdened by it. And I’m not telling you this now because I want anything to change.

I still don’t know if we would’ve been friends in any other situation. But if it was only ever going to happen in one universe, I’m glad it was this one.

You’re my best friend, and I hope I can still be yours after this.

Love,

Euijoo

⨾

Yixiang sees Euijoo first.

His head barely peeks out from over all the people streaming out of the arrivals hall, but Yixiang can recognise him anywhere.

He’s never been more aware of his heart in his chest until now, the way it beats against his ribcage in anticipation, as he approaches the barrier right where it opens up.

It doesn’t take long for Euijoo to finally spot him.

He immediately makes a beeline for Yixiang, weaving through the crowd with his suitcase in tow, until they’re face to face.

For a moment, they don’t speak.

Instead, Yixiang takes a step closer to Euijoo and pulls him in by the nape.

Their lips meet, finally, and Euijoo’s hands wrap around Yixiang’s waist as they press together, chest to chest, warmth blooming between them.

Yixiang can’t help but smile into the kiss, so widely that they have to pull away more quickly than they wanted.

“Hey,” Euijoo says, slightly dazed, but his gaze is fond as he looks at Yixiang like they’re seeing each other for the first time.

“Hey,” Yixiang laughs, heart threatening to leap out of his chest.

For once, he can’t find the words to say.