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Screams. Crashing. Explosions shaking the studio. Distant twisted laughter like nails on a chalkboard.
It was the middle of the broadcast day!
As his employees scattered away from the carnage, Tenna stormed in the opposite direction. Thank goodness the Dreemurrs weren't watching right now! Whoever had decided to start recreating a monster movie in the halls had interrupted the daytime show just as the contestants were starting to get into the spirit of it. That was half an episode's worth of quizzes wasted, a set of players who certainly wouldn't be coming back, and a whole timeslot eaten by hold music over a "Technical Difficulties" screen!
Rounding the corner, there was a flash of light and an odd high-pitched thumping sound, and Tenna screeched to a halt just in time to avoid part of a lighting rig smashing into the floor in front of him. A plume of plaster dust billowed down from the ceiling. Tenna pushed through, kicking the twisted metal out of his way, emerging into the entrance hall to confront the intruder.
Everything had been thoroughly destroyed. Scorch marks dotted the parts of the walls and floor that hadn't had holes torn in them, small fires burning in the corners. The red carpet had been shredded to pieces as if by a giant, persistent cat. Every screen had been individually and methodically smashed, and every statue of Tenna melted into a blackened lump.
It took a moment for his vision to adjust and process the culprit. It was difficult to look at, all sharp angles and clashing colours, ripping down the lights above and hunching over to tear them apart. It was robotic, about as large as Tenna himself, and covered in bright pink and yellow armour. Its limbs were black and spindly, ending in white hands with sharp claws and white... high-heeled boots, for some reason? Spiked wings hung from its back, glowing faintly in asymmetrical colours, more pink and yellow mismatched with purple and green.
Tenna couldn't even begin to guess what kind of Darkner this was, let alone what it had against his decor. A kaleidoscope? A filicidal lighting system? Did a pigeon somehow fly into the Dark Fountain?
"Okay, creature feature! Cut the feed!" He buried his unease and stood up straight, putting on his best "You're Fired, Buckaroo" face. "This show wasn't on today's schedule. Where'd you even -"
The robot's face snapped up. Tenna nearly screamed. It was a prop straight out of a slasher flick, a stretched, distorted grin in white metal, its clenched teeth exposed like a ventriloquist's puppet, loose wires dangling from its mouth. A pair of pink and yellow glasses perched on a sharp nose, obscuring whatever eyes it might have had and glinting like headlights.
"FINALLY HE@RD ME [Calling], [Trash heap]?" The voice was a metallic shriek, interrupting itself with random pieces of static-filled audio. "TOOK YOU [[Long Enough]]. I WAS [Burning!] WITH BOR EDOM OVER HERE."
"Boredom?" Tenna spluttered. "My studio isn't a chew toy! And if you wanted to see me, you could have, oh, I don't know, knocked?" Also, "trash heap"? Seriously?
The robot cackled like a hyena, waving a hand at the pile of matchsticks that used to be the TV World studio's main entrance. "EAHAEHAEHAEHA! NOT MY [No-fault] THE DOOR COULDN'T HANDLE [The smooth taste of ]!"
"Alright, I think this scene's gone on long enough!" A handful of star-shaped projectiles sparked into existence as Tenna flipped on his battle magic, hovering threateningly around him. "I'll give you until the count of three to either apologise for wrecking my studio, or get out. One -"
"[3]!" The robot launched itself towards him. Tenna yelped, sending the stars spinning out on reflex. They shattered against the pink armour, barely scuffing it. He'd only put enough energy in them to give someone a shock - he was trying to make a warning shot, like a reasonable person! - but this thing didn't even flinch.
Tenna threw himself to one side. Claws slashed through where his neck had been a second ago with enough force to tear a chunk of plaster from the wall behind him. The robot twisted its head around sideways, like a horrifying bird, to fix its grinning, skeletal stare back on Tenna as he scrambled backwards, summoning more stars.
"OHH, [Cathode], I AM GOING TO [Relax and Enjoy!] THIS." Its voice lowered from a shriek to a grating hiss. "THIS IS G0ING TO BE [Long overdue] [[fun for all the family!]]."
Tenna didn't waste time wondering what that meant. The swarm of stars launched towards the robot, which whipped its pink and yellow wing around to cover its face, letting them glance off whatever glowing material made up the spiky pseudo-feathers. Metal pieces unfolded from its wrist to cover its hand, forming a rounded barrel. The laser it fired made a high-pitched screech-thump, hitting Tenna in the side before he could react. Sharp, burning pain made him gasp, clutching the wound to smother the frayed, crackling edges of the hole in his suit.
Okay! Not great! Wasn't planning on someone trying to kill me today! He ducked the second laser and snapped his fingers for another rain of projectiles, trying to buy a moment to pull himself together.
"TYPICAL [[Boob Tube]]," it growled, swatting stars out of the air. "ALL QUAN[tity] NO [Specil High Quality !!]."
"Oh, that was uncalled for!" Backstage. Tenna clapped his hands and fired a bright flash of lightning towards the robot's face, hoping its glasses wouldn't protect it from the light, before turning and running for the nearest way into the warrens of backstage tunnels. It's a maze in there. I can lose this thing and then... try and figure out what to do next? I don't know, there isn't a script for this!
The robot gave a deafening, bloodcurdling shriek as the bolt hit home. Metal heels clattered against tile behind him. "THINK YO U CAN [Abandoned you for ] AGAIN??/?" it screeched.
"What do you mean, again?" Tenna made the mistake of looking behind him. The robot ran low to the ground, almost on all fours, scuttling like an insect. It was unsteady, lurching violently from side to side as it ran, the speed sending it rebounding off the walls with enough force to leave dents in the bricks and massive scrapes in the wallpaper. "I'm pretty sure I'd remember seeing you before!"
"EAHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHA!!!" The cannon twirled around to charge another shot. "DON'T LIKE THE [[Hot Rod]]?"
"That's not an ans-" The laser barely missed Tenna's thigh, close enough that he could feel the heat. He decided shutting up would be a good idea, and focused on running and blindly firing stars behind him, ignoring the screeching and cries of "GET BACK HERE [£$%*]ER!" as he turned a corner and spotted the door he was looking for, sprinting towards it as the crash of the robot gaining on him came closer and closer.
Tenna span on his heel and rammed his shoulder into the door, ducking inside as the robot overshot, tearing his coattails on the pointed edge of its armour. He heard its unwieldy feet skitter across the floor as it tried to stop its momentum, followed by the fire door slamming itself shut.
"[[I'll chase you to the ends of the !!!!]]"
He dove into the dimly lit maze, turning down the brightness of his screen as much as he could. He could feel himself overheating, from exertion as much as the lasers. Steam rose from his vents as he panted, wishing for a better cooling system. Like fans. Fans would be nice. Or maybe one of those fancy coolant piping systems.
With an extra sliver of mental space free, he registered that he was gripping his left shoulder, a few loose wires spilling from a wound that opening the door had torn open wider. He could feel the sting of more scrapes along his back, and swatted them to put out any lingering embers.
Questions began to catch up with him as he wove his way through the narrow backstage corridors. Why is this happening? This was a normal broadcast five minutes ago! What could I have done to make a monstrous murder robot this angry at me? What am I supposed to do now?
Tenna slowed down, taking a moment to catch his breath. It wasn't a total disaster. He wasn't too badly injured; he was pretty sure the pain hadn't fully hit him yet, but everything in his chassis seemed to be working right for now. Terrifying and overwhelming as everything about the robot was, this was Tenna's Dark World, and he wasn't about to let some flashy interloper take him and his studio off the air. He just needed to calm down and think of a plan.
That was when a solid metal high-heeled boot crashed into his lower spine.
Tenna caught himself on his hands and knees as he fell, whirling around to see the robot looming like a vulture over him. The rafters. It climbed over the - of course it did, it's got wings, what were you thinking!
Both of them were injured. Tenna was worse off - oh, there's the pain hitting, perfect timing - but his blind-firing had found marks, leaving sparking cracks in the robot's armour. Steam hissed from between its exposed teeth.
"GGOT YOU. I [Win the race!] [Olympic-level] [[COWARD]]." It spat the last word maliciously in a voice that almost sounded familiar, although it was too badly distorted for Tenna to try and put a name to it.
"Wait," he gasped. "J-just wait a second! Why are you doing this? What do you want?"
It twisted its head unnaturally far to one side, birdlike, an almost innocent-looking gesture of curiosity. "YOU 'RE NOT [£$%*]ING WITH ME, ARE YOU, [Cathode]? YOU ACTUALLY DON'T [No, no, no!] WHO [Eye] AM."
"O-other than... a v-very dedicated hater?" Tenna shook his head, wincing as his shoulder shifted. "No idea."
That seemed to give it genuine pause. It... giggled, or at least made a metallic squealing sound that was almost a giggle. The sound built rapidly into more cackling, as the robot threw its head back like what Tenna had said was the funniest thing it had ever heard.
What Tenna did in response was purely instinctive. Some part of his confused mind recognised this as an opening, and he twisted further, yanking off his left glove, grabbing one of the robot's wrists bare-handed, and channelling as much magic as he could muster along his damaged arm.
Both of them screamed. The robot leapt back, clutching at its twitching arm. Tenna scrambled to his feet, the nauseating smell of ozone filling the air around him. Before he could stop to think about how much it was going to hurt, he reared his arms up and clapped. Searing pain shot up his arm, but the bolt of lightning he summoned struck the robot in the face, knocking the odd glasses askew and sending it collapsing onto one knee.
Tenna remembered how the robot had screamed before, when he had hit it with the first bolt. It's vulnerable to electricity. Oh, sweet Angel, it's vulnerable to electricity. He steeled himself, now fully aware of how it felt to use his torn wires for this, and forced as much electricity as he could out through his wound to ground itself in his attacker. The shock made his screen flicker out for a second. The robot slipped from where it was trying to get back up, crashing onto the floor, making a noise that reminded Tenna of an emergency alert signal.
Again. He was rapidly losing his momentum, and his arm felt like someone was using it to microwave popcorn. He staggered as he fired, shaking legs carrying him a step closer to the twitching robot. It managed to twist enough to glare up at him.
Tenna could see its eyes now, under the crooked glasses. Without the round lenses exaggerating them, they looked surprisingly organic, dark and gleaming, lines of exhaustion carved into the surrounding metal.
Something in the way those eyes looked at him, wide and flickering with something that could have been mania or fear, made him hesitate just long enough for the latest round of searing pain to catch up with him. He swayed, doubling over as his vision went white, feeling like all the thinking parts of his brain had just been abruptly unplugged.
The next thing he knew, the robot was pulling itself up again, and delivering a swift punch to his gut. Tenna let out a strained gasp as he felt part of his casing rupture. The robot dragged itself to its feet and dug its sharp fingers into Tenna's wounded shoulder, forcing out a scream as it pulled him up.
With his good hand, Tenna frantically scrabbled for purchase on the robot's neck. The black material there was softer than the armour, more like Tenna's own flexible plastic casing. His claws found a tear left by one of his stars, and he tore it open wider with as much desperate strength as he could muster, exposing the tangle of multicoloured wires underneath. The robot's shriek was loud enough to make his head hurt, and it shoved him violently away, his back colliding with the wall.
Something white and blurry cracked against the side of Tenna's head, and static lines cascaded across his vision. He felt the sickening crunch of an antenna bending out of shape, and the floor seemed to yank itself out from under him as his sense of balance warped, ringing filling his head. He slid to the ground as the robot curled in on itself, shivering violently, wrapping its metal wings around its sparking injuries. The ringing was too loud for him to hear anything, but he could see its chest heaving and its jaw hanging open.
He had to get up. He'd do that as soon as he figured out which way "up" was.
The next thing he knew, that metal grin was directly in front of him. The jaw was moving, and he could just about make out the sound of words, but it was still drowned out.
The robot seemed to notice that Tenna couldn't hear it. Its jaw snapped shut. Those strange eyes narrowed, the doll-like metal eyelids slightly turning up at the corners.
Somehow, even through the pain, there was something maddeningly familiar about the way it looked at him. For an instant, for no real reason he could think of, Tenna felt like he was being stabbed in the chest.
The robot reached up. Tenna flinched as he felt cold metal fingers wrap around his bent antenna, but the touch was light. The grip twisted, and after a moment of blinding pain, Tenna felt the floor stop spinning. The static subsided from his vision. The ringing grew quiet.
"CAN YOU [[here and now]]?" Its voice was quieter. Tenna could still feel its hand brushing against him, against the antenna, which was... back in place, straightened out neatly, with only a slight ache remaining.
"Who are you?"
He wasn't sure why he chose to ask, instead of trying to fight back or run away. Tenna was already about as far out of his element as he could get. It was partly the pain, but also the way it had reset the antenna without damaging it, slowly and carefully, seeming almost hesitant. The fact that, as soon as it had realised that Tenna couldn't hear, it had instantly known what the problem was and how to fix it. The fact that it had fixed the problem at all, instead of giving up and just finishing what it started.
The robot looked away. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW."
"Supposed to...?"
"RECOGNISE!" It spread its arms out and gestured to itself. "LOOK AT MY [Handsome Face] AND SEE MY [Handsome][Mind]! [[I'd know you in any ]]! GET THE [Context] FOR THE [Content] AND GET [[M.A.D]]! YOU>RE [Ruin]ING THE PLAN WITH YOUR [20 Quastions] AND YOUR [[No! Please! I'm sorry! Somebody help!]]"
Tenna's mechanical heart stuttered. Suddenly, the pain was only the second loudest thing in his head.
He knew that voice. He'd never heard it sound so desperate, so terrified, but he knew that voice.
"[[No HDMI cable detected]]- [[Just look at its pathetic little]]- DON'T [Point and Click] TTHA T [[Idiot Box]] @-" It clutched at its head, raking its fingers through its hair. Thin, black metal wires, ruffled and bent out of place, resembling a short, slicked-back haircut. "[%&$£]. [#?!]K. F[*@£]. IT'S GONE. I CAN'T [do this] ANY M0R3. [[Quit without saving?]]"
"H-hold on." Tenna pushed himself further up, using the wall for support. "Are you - not that I'm complaining, but - are you... giving up? On trying to kill me?"
"JUST [50% off]!" it snapped. Tenna flinched at a burst of magic, but the pain lessened as a little - angel-doll thing? - manifested over his head, giving him a pat and a shower of vivid green healing power before bursting back into nothing.
Tenna finally stood up, swaying from a dozen different awful sensations at once. The robot stayed on the ground, still curled up, muttering to itself in stilted clips and censor beeps.
And, god, he should have done anything else except what he was going to do, but those eyes, the hair, that touch, that voice, the rhythm of the cackling laughter, the way that pale metal face almost looked like...
"Spamton?"
Silence. Neither of them moved. Both of them were robots, breathing was just a thing they did to relieve overheated components, but there was a difference between not needing to breathe all the time and holding your breath.
"...yeah."
It was his voice. Spamton's voice. Distorted and covered in static and broken, but it was Spamton's voice.
Nightmare. This was a nightmare. That was the only explanation. Turn off your screen, count to ten, and turn it back on.
Spamton was still there.
"How?" Tenna choked.
Spamton leaned back. The robot's wings creaked as they unfolded from his face. "A LOT OF [Elbow Grease]. ATTEMPTED [Vehicular Manslaughter]. A LITTLE [Genorisity]. EAHAEHAEHA!!" He laughed again, and Tenna didn't know how he hadn't recognised it before. Even filtered like this, he only knew one person who laughed like that. "DOES IT [[ matter]]? I STILL CAN'T- STILL CAN'T- STILL CAN'T- STILL CAN'T- STILL-" He smacked the side of his head violently, cutting off the repetition. "CAME HEREE FOR [Sweet Revenge!] [[Kill your TV!]] AND ENDED UP [Press F1 For Help]. CAN'T DO ANything r1ght."
"Spamton, I..." Tenna swallowed. "I don't know - what is this? This robot, how are you - did someone - what have you been doing all this time? What happened to you? Is this..."
Is this my fault? Tenna still couldn't make himself say it out loud. Was it my contract? Is this the "something bad" that happened? Did I do this to you?
Spamton hissed. Close up, it was less of a horror movie sound effect and more clearly frustrated. "MAYBE YOU'D [Knowing] IF YOU EV3R [[pick]]ED UP MY CALLS, [Trash heap]!! !"
"You never called me, Spamton!" Tenna's voice turned uncontrollably higher with every word. "I waited by that phone for weeks, and you didn't call once! All of the calls I tried to make went to your answering machine! You're the one who ran out on me - oh my god, why are we talking about this, you turned into a robot and tried to kill me!"
"YOU ABANDONED -" Spamton's wings flared, froze, and fell again. "[#$&<]. YOU'RE NOT LYING."
"Why would I lie about this?!"
"[[Hyperlink Blocked]]. [[Loss of Signal]]." Spamton slammed his forehead into his knees with a clank. "CONN3CT10N. CUT. COULDNT [-Piercing][Heaven]. YOU- YOU- [[Unsalvageable]] . YOU [Would] HAVE - WE'RE BOTH [[head empty]]."
Tenna huffed. "Well, you're probably not wrong about that last part." Impulsively, he sat back down next to Spamton. Even after the healing spell, his entire body was sore and wrung out. Neither of them looked at each other for a while. Tenna still didn't feel like he was processing any of this.
"YOU WERENT TH3IR. WHEN I [[Someone, please...]]. I SPENT [thousands of years!] IN THE [Trash ]. [[Burned]] IN THE [Trans-Orbital] BECAUSE YOU MADE ME BElievE [[Hyperlink Blocked]] WAS W0RTH THE . [50] OF ME STI1L WANTS TO [Killed] YOU F0R THAT," he admitted. "THE OTHER HALF WANTS T0 [kILLED] YOU." He shook his head. "TO K[ivorce cake] YOU. TO [[Hyperlink Blocked]]. [$5.99]! F4RGET IT."
"I... think I got the idea?" Don't blush. Do not start blushing in this situation.
Tenna risked a glance over at Spamton. He'd relaxed a little, uncurling his wings, staring down at his clawed hands. Tenna could recognise his body language now, the nervous tension in those metal limbs. The body seemed to be just as unfamiliar to Spamton as it was to him.
It wasn't all terrifying, he realised. It was a strange combination of dangerous and flashy. A gaudy mess in a very deliberate way.
Eventually, Spamton spoke up again. "[[How to Apologise to a ]] ABOUT THE [Interior Design Catalog]."
"It's coming out of your paycheck." Spamton made a small, amused sound.
Tenna took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. "I loved you, you know," he said quietly. "I tried - believe me, I tried - but I couldn't ever convince myself I didn't."
Spamton looked over at that, and Tenna wished he could read his expression properly, but his eyes were wide. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and looked back down, continuing to study his hands.
"BAD IDEA," he muttered. "HORRIBLE. [Terribad]. I'M [Clearly] A [$%!?heel]."
"Spamton..." Tenna sighed. "Honestly, I know it sounds awful, but I don't have the energy to argue with you anymore. Can we just - I don't know, put a pin in this conversation? Save it for later?"
"TH4T DOES SOUND [Pretty] BAD." Spamton was quiet enough now that Tenna could recognise his voice between the clips. It was warped and crushed, but he could make out the accent, the regular monotone of his words broken up by the occasional drawl he'd add to the ends of his sentences, a habit he'd got into because he thought it made him sound more charismatic. "I MISSED YOU."
Tenna didn't break the silence after that, but he shifted his arm to lay his hand flat on the ground between them, palm facing up. Spamton's spell had healed most of the damage, only leaving a faint stab of pain.
Eventually, Spamton's hand slipped into his.