Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There’s rain on the windowsill, puddling on the hardwood floor beneath it and Eliza stares.

Tries to remember if she had the window open that morning as she steps out of her rainboots. Pushes off her jeans at the door, unwilling to spend another moment in their uncomfortable embrace. Next comes her jacket, dropped into the pile of clothes she keeps shedding.

Angelica would cringe. Their mother definitely taught them better, but the rain has sapped her strength and she has more important things to worry about.

Like closing the window. Socked feet pad along the floor as she heads toward it, and she sighs as she steps around the mess to push it all the way closed. Revels in the silence now that the raging wind is blocked out.

A sound somewhere in the house draws her attention and Eliza freezes. There’d been no car in the driveway when she drove up, she should be alone. Writes it off as a trick of the mind as she goes to get a towel to dry up the mess.

Is just reaching for one in the hall closet when she hears it again and suddenly, she’s not so comfortable walking around with so little on. There should be a pair of pajama shorts in the bathroom, and she goes to find them.

Finds her instead.

Hair plastered to her face, clothes clinging to her body, either she’s run the shower or was caught in the rain. Either way, she looks uncomfortable, curled up in the tub, face hidden in her knees. “Maria, baby?”

They’ve been dating for seven months, living together for five. Too soon, Angelica had told her. Did she really want to risk leasing a place before she knew if it would last? Two months in and they’d still been in their honeymoon phase.

Most days, it feels like they haven’t left it yet. Sure Maria struggles at times, but they’ve managed to make it work so far. Sometimes spooks at the littlest things. Withdraws for days at a time. But she always comes back, and when she does, it’s wonderful. Maria is so caring and vibrant. A beautiful dancer and an excellent lover. Dating her is the best decision that Eliza has made in a while.

“Maria?” Eliza takes a step closer, kneeling down next to the tub. “Did something happen at work?”

Still no response, Eliza reaches out to touch her girlfriend’s shoulder, to try and check that she’s okay. Stumbles back a bit when Maria startles, flinching away from her. Now, so close and with Maria looking at her, she can see the claw marks along her neck.

Swallows the lump in her throat as she tries to figure out the right thing to say. Holds up her hands to show she means no harm. “I’m not going to touch you. What happened? Who hurt you?”

There’s no glimmer of recognition on Maria’s face. Eliza tries again. “Maria, your neck? Did someone attack you?”

Finally, Maria shakes her head, extends her own hands and Eliza isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do anymore. Not if those marks are self-inflicted. Not when she doesn’t know what this is happening. “Can I go get you some dry clothes to put on?”

It takes her a minute to respond, but Maria finally hesitantly responds. Eliza takes the time to pull on a pair of shorts when she’s in the bedroom before heading back. Puts the small stack of clothes she brought back on the counter so that she can help Maria stand up.

Bites back a bit of hurt when Maria doesn’t take her hand, when her girlfriend stares at her, still apparently terrified.

It isn’t personal. Eliza knows this even if she’s still not sure what sparked this. Knowing doesn’t make it sting any less. “Here, I’ll hand you your clothes and the towel, and you can close the curtain to change. Okay? I’ll be right out here.”

Far too many minutes later, Maria emerges, still shaking, still wary-eyed. Eliza wets her lips, prays a moment later that it isn’t miss understood. “Do you want to go into the living room?”

Maria nods. Follows after her slowly, eyes flickering around the room as if it is haunted by something only she can see.

Once they’re in the living room, Eliza finds her one blanket and then another. Doesn’t stop until there're no more blankets in the house and Maria’s cocooned so well that her head is barely visible. If she’s still shaking, then Eliza can’t see it.

The television flickers on and then off, the sound too brazen, and Eliza can’t bear the way Maria flinches. Better to sit in the silence and hope that her presence is somehow comforting.

After they sat there in the dark for who knows how long, Maria speaks up, voice hoarse. “It’s his birthday today.”

Eliza doesn’t ask who he is. “You don’t have to-”

Maria doesn’t seem the slightest bit aware of her interruption, just keeps talking, “He used to- I- He said it was his present to himself.”

She can only imagine what that means. Isn’t sure she wants to know. But it would be messed up to tell Maria to stop talking because she can’t handle it, after all, Maria had to live through it. After all, to her knowledge, Maria hasn’t talked about it at all since she left him.

“I used to think-” Maria laughs, a bitter sound- “I used to think if I was good enough, that maybe he wouldn’t.”

“He was going to do what he wanted, no matter what.” It wasn’t Maria’s fault. His choices weren’t her fault, even if he claimed they were. If she’d done what he’d asked, he would have just found another excuse.

“I thought-” Another start. Another stop. Maria’s arms snake out of the cocoon to rub at her eyes- “I thought I was doing well. I’ve been doing well, haven’t I? I’ve been so good.”

As far as Eliza can tell, she’s asking about her mental health, but the phrase and the context still sends chills down her spine. “The nightmares haven’t been as bad lately. But it hasn’t even been a year, no one is expecting you to be better yet.”

“Been so good,” Maria repeats. “Please don’t leave me alone.”

This time, when Eliza goes to touch her, Maria allows it. Lets her hold her hand. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Chapter Text

Eliza stares at her phone, willing it to light up.

It’s been four hours since Maria got off work and she hasn’t been home, called, or texted. Eliza even called the library to see if maybe she was just working late, but Theodosia swore she’d already left for the day.

As if on command, her screen brightens, but Eliza sags when she notices the name. Angelica. Telling her to breathe, that her girlfriend is a grown woman, more than capable of taking care of herself. That they loved each other, so she probably wasn’t out cheating.

Which isn’t Eliza’s concern at all. She trusts her girlfriend not to do such things. What she doesn’t trust is the world.

What if James is back? What if he’s done something to her? What if someone else has? Eliza paces around the apartment, unable to stay still. If she had even an inkling of where to look, she’d be out driving. For now, the best thing she can do is stay here and hope that Maria comes back soon.

Less than an hour later, she gets another text. Stares at it for a moment before putting on her coat.

It’s an especially seedy bar on the east side of town that she pulls up to. The kind without a bouncer, that’s probably changed its name half a dozen times in the past few years to keep the doors open after being busted for selling alcohol to minors. Eliza double checks the lock on her car before heading inside.

Spots them immediately, Maria with her head pillowed in her arms, Martha Jefferson rubbing her back as her husband waits at the bar looking annoyed. What they’re doing here, Eliza doesn’t want to know. The Jeffersons are the kind of people that could easily rent out the top floor of the cities more exclusive clubs. If they’re here? It’s for a reason.

It isn’t important, though. What’s important is that Martha texted her to let her know that Maria was here.

Once she’s in safely tucked in the passenger seat, Maria breaks down. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

A broken record of apologies that Eliza doesn’t need. “It’s okay, I’m not angry. I’m just glad that you’re safe.”

Maria’s an adult, she doesn’t need Eliza’s permission to go drink. Sure, in the future she’d like something of a heads up, but now isn’t the time to mention it.

“Messed up. Messed up. Messed up.” More repetition and Eliza’s got a sinking feeling in her gut.

Closes her eyes instead of starting the car. “What happened?”

Makes an internal promise to keep an open mind. That no matter what happened, they can make this work. She’s not going to throw away the best relationship of her life because Maria made one mistake, no matter what it is.

“There was a kid-” Maria hiccups, cutting off her story and her body sways against the seat belt- “At work? Apparently, it was his birthday. Turning seven. Wanted to tell me all about it. Told me all about it.”

What’s wrong with talking to a kid about their birthday? But Maria isn’t done. “Don’t know why I did it. Don’t know. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”

“Don’t know why you did what?” Careful to keep any agitation out of her voice. Maria’s drunk and upset, of course, she’s going to be a bit nonsensical.

The connection hits her a moment too late when Maria sobs, “Called him. Shouldn’t have. Shouldn’t have. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”

Called him? Birthday. Everything comes crashing down at once. “He didn’t-”

The question dies in her throat. It would be silly to ask if he hurt her. Inappropriate to ask if he just berated her over the phone, or if they’d met up. Eliza considers texting Angelica, with the hopes that she might have a clue. As a professor, she probably has more experience than Eliza does at dealing with traumatized people.

Funny how they’ve been dating for almost two years and Eliza still feels lost on these matters. But Maria doesn’t want to talk about it when she’s doing well and Eliza respects that. Doesn’t want to push.

“Didn’t like it when I drank,” Maria slurs suddenly. “Sorry-”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, I promise.” Eliza takes a deep breath. “Let me get us home. You can get a shower and get some rest.”

Maria shakes her head. “Don’t wanna. Don’t wanna. Dreams.”

Nightmares. “Okay, you don’t have to sleep. We can watch a movie. One of your favorites.”

She’s particularly partial to The Little Mermaid, though they also own Tangled, not to mention half a dozen other Disney films. When Maria’s doing well, she likes to tease her about it. In turn, Maria teases her about the number of documentaries that she watches. It’s how they work.

Numbly, Maria nods and Eliza drives off.

Helps Maria to the couch when they get home, aware that the woman is too drunk to support her own weight. She doesn’t want to think about what a hard tumble to the floor would trigger.

“I’ll go get you a blanket, okay?” Maria nods but doesn’t quite let go of her shirt. Eliza stays there until it does.

Comes back with a couple of blankets. Lets Maria wrap them around herself as she sets up the movie. “Can I go make hot chocolate for us?”

It seems like a simple gesture, something that might make the night a little less terrible for Maria. Maria watches her for a moment as if worried that Eliza doesn’t mean it. That Eliza’s going to disappear before her eyes. Finally nods.

In the kitchen, Eliza pulls out her phone. Types a few things before shoving it in her pocket and putting the pot on the stove.

The mugs are warm in her hands as she finally makes her way back to the living room, and Maria eyes the marshmallows before giving her a shaky smile and thanking her. Apologizes again for being ridiculous.

It’s probably pointless to tell her that there’s nothing to be sorry for, that she isn’t being ridiculous at all. Instead, Eliza drapes her arm across the back of the couch, and she’s rewarded when Maria leans her weight against her.

They aren’t out of the woods yet, but it’s a start.

Chapter Text

They start preparing a week in advance the next year. Eliza’s marked the date in her calendar and everything, unwilling to be caught off guard a third time.

Maria even talks Theodosia into letting her take the day off, Eliza at her side as she stutters out that it’s a historically just a bad time. Personally, Eliza thinks that Theo would have let her off without the explanation, but she’s so proud of her girlfriend for trying. Isn’t going to steal her agency on this or coddle her.

It takes a little more prodding, but Eliza is able to get Jefferson to take her presentation so that she can skip work as well. She really doesn’t want to know what he’s going to ask for in return, but there’s little that wouldn’t be worth it.

They make a coping bag. Maria still won’t go to therapy but they find what resources they can online. Eliza familiarizes herself with different grounding techniques even as Maria fills the backpack with things like her favorite jacket of Eliza’s, hot chocolate packets, and bubbles. There’s playdough and cigarettes as well.

It isn’t the healthiest thing, but if it keeps her from doing something worse, Eliza is all for it. They will take temporary setbacks for long term gain every day of the week.

They make a plan. And then another. And then another still. Contingencies. What they’re going to do if Maria feels up to going out, what they’re going to do if she can’t. They plan for everything from flashbacks to nausea. Eliza spends hours researching traumaversaries and trauma symptoms. Doesn’t want to be caught off guard anymore.

According to the information they found online, while sometimes the body just knows when the trauma was- it can also be triggered. Just like Maria and the little boy at the library. This is part of the reason why they have her take off work. The more they can contain possible problems, the better off they’ll be.

Sometimes, the literature read, the triggers are seasonal. Things like holidays and scents the air. So they buy incense and candles, do their best to change what the house smells like.

And at first, it seems like their hard work has paid off. They go out for breakfast, and while Maria doesn’t eat much, she doesn’t seem that upset to be in public. Especially not with Eliza’s hoodie to bury herself into. Eliza puts her favorite movie on when they get back home and finally are able to curl up on the couch.

Makes plan for what they’re going to do for lunch. Something simple. Sandwiches and crackers, there’s even sprite in the fridge. All things that should be easy on Maria’s stomach. She’s a bit out of sorts, but nothing compared to the last few years and Eliza considers it a huge win.

Except at one point, Maria gets up to go to the bathroom and doesn’t come back. When one missed scene becomes two, and two becomes the rolling credits- Eliza goes to check on her, finds her girlfriend staring in the mirror, knuckles white from the grip she has on the scissors. Half her hair lays scattered across the counter.

Which is fine. It’s her hair, she has every right to cut it if she wants.

Eliza’s just not that Maria actually wants this. It’s not something she’s ever talked about before. “Mare-bear?”

“What if I just shaved it all off?” Maria asks, eyes trained on her own reflection. “Just like that. Poof. No more hair.”

Then it would be all gone. Somehow, Eliza doubts this is a question about what happens when someone takes a razor to their head. “That would be okay. You’re allowed to do what you want.”

Maria doesn’t blink, shifts her gaze from the mirror to the scissors and back again. “I won’t be pretty anymore.”

Even bald, Eliza’s pretty sure she’d find Maria beautiful, but again, that isn’t the point. “You don’t have to be pretty.”

“No one’s ever told me that before,” Maria says after a moment of silence.

It’s not something that Eliza doubts. As women, they've been raised to believe their worth is found in their appearance. But she also meant what she said. Maria does not owe her attractiveness. Maria doesn’t owe the world any kind of beauty. It’s her body. No one else’s.

“Do you want me to help you shave your head?” Eliza asks suddenly. “I think I still have a razor around here somewhere.”

While Eliza’s never used a razor before, it seemed easy enough. She’d watched Hercules plenty of times, whenever he decided to use their place to do hair. She’d offered to let him leave his equipment under the sink if he didn’t need it in the meantime.

Maria turns to look at her, really look at her and Eliza stands still. Won’t budge on the issue. If this is what Maria needs to do, then Eliza wants to prove that she’s okay with it. That she won’t run away just because her partner wants to change her looks.

She’s put too much into this relationship to do such a thing. Maria’s put too much into this relationship to throw it all away. Sure, it isn’t always easy, and sure, the honeymoon phase is long gone. But she can’t imagine the next few years without Maria by her side and Eliza hopes that Maria feels the same way.

As if in answer, Maria nods.

“Let’s go to the kitchen, where there’s more light,” Eliza suggests, more for herself than anything. The kitchen will feel less claustrophobic, and she doesn’t have to worry about being watched as she works.

When it’s done, when Maria’s hair is swept up and in the trash can and she’s left staring in the bathroom mirror again- this time rubbing her fuzzy head- Maria thanks her. Places two slightly shaking hands on her face and pulls her in for a kiss.

Eliza can’t help but return it. Is eternally grateful when Maria doesn’t suddenly jerk away. When they’re able to actually lay next to one another in bed instead of trying to fall asleep on the couch.

Chapter Text

Year four finds Eliza and Maria out on the front porch of their house, hundreds of miles from where they were just the year before. The move came with drawbacks, of course, Maria loved working under Theodosia, wasn't quite sure how she felt about the new Librarian she was working under- Dolley Madison. Apparently, she was a very bright and loud woman, friendly almost to a fault when it came to Maria's paranoia, but she was warming up to her.

But the move had come with a promotion for Eliza, put them closer to Angelica, to a support system that Eliza could rely on. More importantly, it puts them hundreds of miles away from James Reynolds and he has no way of finding Maria now.

Something Maria revels in. Two days after they'd moved, she'd had Eliza delete his number from his phone. A week later, they changed their numbers together.

Maria stares out into the scenery, watching the trees move with the wind. "I thought I'd be over this by now."

It's a sentiment that Maria expresses regularly. Things are better, sure. She goes to therapy every other week, attends AA meetings on occasion. She's evened out a lot over the past year. Which, like the move, has it's ups and downs. There's no more almost manic passion, Eliza doesn't come home to find her lover painting the living room on a whim or trying to build a bookshelf. She also doesn't come home to Maria sobbing in the bathtub.

The sundresses are gone from her wardrobe, abandoned in the move. Angelica teases her about going butch, but this is something that Maria has embraced. Keeps her hair buzzed, has half a dozen studs in each ear, even shops in the men's department. She looks nothing like the girl that Eliza started dating, but that's okay. Her hair is always soft under Eliza's fingertips, and the way they huge shifts hide her body seems to make her feel more comfortable in public.

Which is great. She's been doing so great.

Even today hasn't been that bad. Being a Saturday, neither of them had needed to beg off of work. They'd gotten up around ten, eaten a small breakfast around the house. Gone for a run when Maria's veins were vibrating. Kept her moving and distracted. And sure, things hadn't been completely seamless, and sure, Eliza had gotten snipped at a few more times than usual, but she understands. Doesn't mind at all.

"All this time, and I still want to bake a cake." It's a new detail, one that Maria hasn't shared before. This, too, Eliza has grown used to. The casual sharing of information, as if Maria assumes she already knows. Whether it's because Maria thinks she's talked about everything more than she has, or because it's easier this way, Eliza isn't sure. "He liked chocolate a lot. Vanilla cake with a fudge frosting was the best way to go. The first year my grandmother helped me make it."

From what Eliza has pieced together, things hadn't been that bad then. Maria had been a freshman in high school, James had been a senior. She'd been so flattered that he paid her any attention. Once he'd gone to college and become obsessed that she was cheating on him, things had become a lot rougher.

Eliza doesn't like to think about just how long it went on. About the fact that she met Maria soon after the girl graduated with her bachelor's and started working on her Master's. How many years existed between that and her freshman year of high school.

No wonder it's taking longer than she expected to heal.

"Instead of trying to make that urge go away, why don't you do it?" Maria turns to give her a strange look and Eliza shrugs. "There's nothing wrong with baking. You could even do it as a sort of reclamation? Eat the whole thing yourself or give it away. I'm not saying make him a cake, I'm just saying-"

Eliza allows the sentence to drop off as she waves one of her hands. She's not sure that she's getting her point across, but she does have one. Making a cake doesn't belong to him. It isn't fair that he's taken something as innocent as baking and made Maria associate it with pain. It isn't fair that Maria is still fighting with herself all these years later.

"Maybe next year," Maria says quietly. "I do like the idea of giving it away. Doc says that it might help me to do some sort of project with the community."

Whether she means community as in their city or community as in survivors, Eliza isn't sure. Doesn't push for an answer, just lets Maria keep talking. "There's a domestic violence shelter. I'm just not sure what I'd even be able to do."

"I'm sure you could do a lot." Eliza reaches over to squeeze Maria's knee, is relieved when she doesn't jerk away. "After all, you of all people know how far the littlest gestures can go. Even just having someone to listen can be such a big thing. Or you could try and put together something about symptoms? You remember how hard it was to find information."

"What if I'm not strong enough to listen?"

It's definitely a possibility. Not one that has anything to do with how strong or weak Maria is, but how triggering it might be. But Eliza can't shake the feeling that it might also do some kind of good. "I'm sure you'll figure it out. There's coping skills and you could set boundaries of some sort. And I'll be right there if you want."

Maria takes another drag of her cigarette, nodding slightly. "I'll have to talk to the doctor, but maybe. I just... Don't want anyone to feel as helpless as he made me feel."

"That's understandable." Eliza shivers and Maria blinks at the motion, obviously confused. "We've been sitting out here for a few hours. It's dropping off."

Sometimes it bothers her how Maria doesn't notice. But the woman doesn't argue with her, just puts out her cigarette and drops the bud into the bucket they keep for such things. "Time to go to bed?"

Eliza helps pull her to her feet. "Time to go to bed."

Chapter Text

It has to be the most ridiculous looking cake that Eliza has ever seen. The frosting is a brilliant red color, though Maria swears it's not food dye, just an overwhelming amount of pomegranate juice. Eliza isn't actually sure that pomegranate is a good flavor for frosting, but Maria had been so excited about making it match her hair.

A few weeks ago she'd finally found the courage to dye it fire engine red. A task that had been a little difficult considering her hair is barely two inches these days, but Eliza was able to make it work. Even let Maria bleach the underside of her hair and dye it light blue. With its placement, it's easy enough to hide in the office and when she puts it up into a ponytail, it shows the color off. Her own personal defiance, no matter how small it is.

Across the yard, Maria laughs, pulling up her shirt to show off her tattoo to Angelica. It's some sort of bible quote across her ribs. Tattoos aren't exactly something that Eliza understands but Maria had been a trooper throughout the process and when it was through, she'd cried happy tears. Had called it proof she could take pain and turn it into something beautiful.

"Come on," Maria calls out to her, and Eliza pushes herself off from the wall she'd been leaning against to join them. "It's time to cut the cake."

Eliza isn't the only one to follow her, as everyone comes to gather around the table. It's close enough to sunset that the day is still warm and glowy, though she knows it'll cool off soon. That, should everyone choose to stay, they're going to need jackets and maybe to start a bonfire. She'd even stopped by the store earlier to grab some firewood just in case.

The gathering was definitely a last minute call, but it's one she's so proud of Maria for making. A party really does seem like the best way for her to take back this day. So Eliza takes her spot next to her at the table and allows her eyes to drift over each participant. Dolley Madison stands to Maria's right, beaming at her as if Maria was her own daughter. Marty Manning and Mrs. Washington are there as well, from the support group that Maria goes to each Wednesday at the church. And of course, there's Angelica, too.

"I wanted to thank you all for coming," Maria starts out. Eliza reaches out to take her hand, trying to give her strength as Maria waivers for the first time that day. "For a really long time, this day was a nightmare for me. A day I knew I'd be berated or worse. But today? Today it's a celebration because I survived. I got out and I'm still here. And I have a beautiful partner who has stuck with me throughout it all and none of this would be possible without her. So I just, really wanted to say thank you for everything Eliza."

Angelica's arm slips around her waist, giving her a tight squeeze and suddenly, Eliza worries she might be the first one to cry today. "You are so strong. You did this. Not me. I'm so grateful that I've been able to play a supporting role, though. And here's to making it five years, and here's to hoping that the next five will be even better."

Maria chews on her bottom lip for a second and Eliza's almost worried that she's messed up. But the moment passes as Maria turns back to the table, grabbing the knife so that she can cut the cake. Dishes out slices to everyone at the table. "So uh, that's it for my big dramatic speech. You're all welcome to stay and mingle and eat cake."

The group breaks away at that, Marty and Dolley stepping to the side to chat and Angelica going to speak with Mrs. Washington. Probably more out of an urge to not intrude than anything else, but Eliza appreciates it. Appreciates everything her sister has done for her, really. Her and Peggy both, even if she doesn't talk to the younger that much these days.

"So, uh," Maria picks up their plates, gesturing with her head for Eliza to follow her back to the stairs. "I kind of wanted to talk to you about something."

It isn't exactly Eliza's favorite phrase to hear, but she nods her head. "Of course, what's up?"

"I meant it earlier. What I said about not being able to do this without you." Eliza almost wants to tell her that it's okay, that she doesn't have to thank her for being there. After all, that's what partners are supposed to do. "And then what you said, about the next five years."

Eliza isn't quite following. "What about it?"

"I want that." Eliza really hopes the next word to fall out of Maria's mouth isn't a but. "I want the next five years with you, I want the next ten years, and the ten after that. I wasn't really planning this, so I don't have a ring or anything. But I want that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Are you proposing to me?" Because really, she needs to be sure.

Maria nods, fingers gripped around the plate in her hand as she shifts nervously. "I mean, I understand if you want to wait or if you don't want to. I know some people are pretty anti-marriage and it hasn't really come up but your sister was joking about it earlier. Asking when we planned to tie the knot and if I was planning to make the cake for that too. And between that and then- just yeah. I want whatever I can get with you."

So does Eliza, but she never thought that it'd be something to decide on today of all days. "Let's do it. Let's get married."

The cake Maria had worked so hard on splatters to the ground as her girlfriend- no, fiancee reaches out to grab her by the face for a kiss. And Eliza can't keep the stupid grin off her face when she finally breaks away. "Here's to the rest of our life."