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Barney was scared, he would never say it out loud but he was Marshall was big, and from what he had experienced so far was that he wasn’t going to hold back. The only reason he had said five is because he knew that he wouldn’t have lasted ten- also Robin had said five and he felt like for some sub-conscious reason he should listen to her. But this was awful, he felt like a child again. Not knowing when the hits would come, because they would eventually, he had some scaring to prove it. His mom brought home some kind of abusive drunk asshole who would kick the shit out of him and James and fuck his mom. And this was a repeated cycle.
He wasn’t naïve, and he wasn’t stupid. He knew he didn’t fit in like any of the others- hell Robin had been there for less time and they liked her more than they liked him. The only person he felt someone close to and felt that she cared about him was Lily, and she had betrayed that. He was hurting and scared- and they thought it was a game, and he had to play along. That’s just what he did. He knew he came up with the concept but that was a quick swipe and it was over, nothing like this. It was madness.
He did just want to stay home, but he knew from past experience hiding would only make it a lot worse. Marshall would hit him harder if he held it off, that’s what the men did, and it wouldn’t be a problem for Marshall so he suited up.
A he walked to the bar his stomach twisted and turned with nerves and his normal cocky smile faltered slightly. He had learnt how to hide a lot of his fears but he was out of practice, but he’ll get better.
He walked in and saw the gang at the usual table. It was Ted and Robin still waiting for Marshall and Lily to show. He walked over and he saw the mischievous glace between them, he knew some mockery was coming even before he sat down. He chose to sit next to Robin, as they were sitting on opposites of the table. He felt she hated him less.
“So Barney,” Ted started, and Barney tensed under his suit like he did way too often- waiting to be told to fuck off because he was a waste of space. “Did you sleep well last night?” He asked a smirk lay on his mouth.
“Actually, Ted, I did thank you.” He spoke in his normal mildly flirtatious and over exaggerated voice, although it was a little more forced than normal.
“Well, you look as I feel,” he continued, obviously the punch line was coming, “You look awful, like you didn’t sleep a bit. I had a nightmare, basically, there was this bid hand. Like the foam ones you get at games and it was attached to a robotic swing and it kept slapping me in the face. And it was awful- the hand was massive. And I found it quite funny, because Marshall’s hand is about that big, What do you think Robin?” He asked, obviously rehearsed.
“Yhea, I do think it’s similar in size.” Barney winced as he imagined it, and they saw. Promptly leaning over the table and high fiving, watching Barney flinch at the sound of contact.
Barney regretted coming instantly. He downed his drink, and finished it before speaking, “well, I only came for a drink- I think I’m going to go home and watch friends or something stupid- see you guys later.” He spoke feeling sick, his stomach feeling worse than before. He started to slide out of the bar before a hand came down of his shoulder and he flinched, looking up and seeing Marshall.
The sight made him freeze and tense up, closing his eyes waiting for impact, but nothing came other than a;
“Hey, Barney how you doing?” The question was spoken with sarcastic sympathy and curiosity. His face portrayed it, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“I-I’m okay, I was just heading home actually. Not really feeling it tonight, you know. Plus I’ve got a bit of a headache.” His excuse was weak but he didn’t care he just wanted to go home.
“No stay out with us,” Marshall insisted as he grabbed the chair from another table placing it at the end of theirs, closer to Barney than necessary and sitting down, “going home won’t help anything. If you stay out you’ll forget about your headache and it will go away. Hey guys,” He now spoke more to the group,” you know I actually thought that would work for me too. I’ve had this stinging sensation in my hand all day today, I came out because I thought I might forget about it. What do you think, Barney, have a look.” As he said the last sentence he rapidly moved his hand towards Barney’s face, making Barney flinch back and squeeze his eyes in fear, but no pain came. Only laughter.
He knew he wasn’t going to get out of here anytime soon, ‘give it an hour and then go’, he thought. He ordered a vodka and Gatorade, saying he wanted something new, but he just wanted to forget and be numb right now. Too many nasty memories were resurfacing.
Forty minutes later the jokes just kept coming and coming, he hadn’t ordered another drink scared to get too tipsy and piss someone off and cause Marshall to slap him. He had sat tense, quiet. Much like his childhood when he got home from school and mom had a new boyfriend.
A self-deprecating laugh in his head, with a cynical voice sounded;
This is what your life is going to be like forever, Barney, constant fear because someone will always hurt you, because no one cares. You’re unlovable.
“What’s wrong Barney?” Marshall spoke pulling him out of his thoughts, “You’ve sat quiet all night, not gone and flirted. Scared a girl might slap you.” Each joke made him tenser and tenser.
He took a last sip from his tumbler and stood, “I, errm, I-I’m going to the bathroom.” He said, letting a clearly fake smile grace his lips as he had spent most of the night staring into a bluish liquid not interacting at all, although he was scared he had a persona and he had to keep it up- if he dropped it now, they would find out everything and then they’d just think he’s a freak because of his scars and abusive childhood.
With that he started walking towards the bathroom. He opened the door and walked in. Letting a little of the tension bleed out of his shoulders and a small sigh pass his lips. He stood there for moment before walking over to the sinks and cupping some water in his hands and throwing on his face. Just as he did that and wiped his eyes and face with his suit sleeve the door opened and Marshall walked in.
He stood in front of the door, blocking the exit, and Barney tensed up. He had been in this situation one too many times, blocked in waiting for a beating.
His shoulders rose slightly pulling in on himself. Trying to make himself small. Marshall smiled a cruel smile. “What you doing Barney?” he spoke cruelly. Tauntingly, a tone Barney was far too common with.
“Just washing my face.” He spoke clearing his throat feeling it tighten trying to cut off his voice. “Still not feeling great I think I might go home.” His hands were shaking he could feel it, but he wasn’t sure if it was visible.
Suddenly, Marshall started walking towards him. Out of instinct he backed into the corner that was nearest and the smile that was on Marshall’s face faltered slightly as he saw Barney back into the corner.
“Barney are-“
“Please” He whispered under his breath, before realising he cut Marshall off. Marshall’s face fell. No he was angry, the hits got worse when they were angry. “Sorry. S-sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off. I-“
“Barney,” Marshall stared, Barney cut off immediately flinching. “Barney do you think I’m going to hurt you?”
Barney looked up at Marshall, emphasis on looking up. He trembled, he knew the answer should be no, that’s what everyone wants you to think. But Barney was terrified and didn’t know what to say, opening his mouth like a fish before answering.
“Please, please don’t hit me t-too hard. I don’t w-want…ju-just please, Sir- I mean, I mean… Marshall. I’m sorry, sorry, so sorry. Just please, please don’t. Please.” As he spoke he had backed himself into the corner further. His voice trembling and weak.
Like a child.
“Barney,” Marshall started feeling his heart break, “Did you just call me Sir?” He asked.
“Yes, I did. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, sorry.”
Marshall, without thinking, took a step towards Barney and watched as the man flinched away from him.
“Barney.” Marshall whispered, in a shocked state. Barney was really scared of him, genuinely, and it tore him up. It wasn’t right, he never wanted anyone to be afraid of him ever and yet, here a man he called his friend, was cowering in front of him in the bathroom waiting for him to slap him. He just thought it was a game but clearly not for Barney.
“Barney, I’m not going to hurt you okay? Please calm down, its okay.” He said stepping back a bit raising his hands to show peace, noticing Barney was panicking.
“Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever say you’re not going to hurt me, because eventually everyone does hurt me. That’s what all the men said as well. ‘Don’t worry Barney I’m not going to hurt you.’” He mocked on the last sentence before falling serious again. “No one likes me, I’m not stupid, I know none of you out there do, I’m just the asshole of the group and now you have your excuse to hurt me, so just go for it because I can’t live with the fear you’re going to slap me all the time. It’s like before.” The last sentence slipped out before he could stop it, he winced slightly.
“What do you mean? It’s like before?” He asked, seriously, Barney couldn’t believe he had said that- he didn’t want them to know. He had hidden it for this long, why did he say that?
“It doesn’t matter.” He replied, “It’s over.” His throat constricted again and he tried to leave, but Marshall put a hand out the stop him and Barney flinched away closing his eyes grimacing.
“No this is important Barney. You need to talk to me, its okay.”
“My mom used to bring home men when got angry and lashed out when they were drunk, and the lashing out was always at me and my brother, so it’s a natural state now to be tense. Now you’re going to tell them and I’m going to be more of a hated freak than I already am, okay?” Barney spoke in rushed tones, feeling the scars on his back ache a little, although he knew it was only in his mind.
“Oh my God, Barney.” Marshall spoke quietly. Horrified, how had they not known. “Barney, we don’t think you’re a freak and we love you. How long have you been think that?”
“Since we met. You hate me, you act as if you do.”
“No, Barney no.” Barney winced a little, but Marshall continued, “and we would never hate you, especially because you were hurt as a child, please try not to think like that. We’ll stop the slap bet okay, I’m not going to hit you. We’ll all drop it. We’re going to have to talk with the others about this so they drop it and leave it alone.” Barney looked panicked.
“No. No we can’t tell them, I’ll be alone. You’ll pity me.”
“We won’t Barney, we won’t pity you. You’re strong, you survived and came out an amazing man. We won’t abandon you, you’ll never be alone again.”
It suddenly occurred to Marshall why Barney sleeps around so much, he doesn’t want to be alone, he needs physical human contact but the length of an emotional relationship is daunting and can be quite painful and Barney doesn’t want to suffer more. It all made sense.
“Do you believe me that I won’t hit you?” Marshall asked after a few seconds of silence. Barney stood for a second and then slowly spoke.
“I think I do, it will take a while though, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, Barney. You have nothing to be sorry for. Here look.” Marshall said coming up with an idea, not knowing if it was the best but if they were going to get Barney on the road to recovery there’s no better time to start than now. “I’m not going to hit you I promise.”
Marshall slowly raised his hand and visibly saw Barney tense and close his eyes in a grimace, waiting for an assault. Marshall, however just gently placed his hand on his cheek and held it there and waited for Barney to open his eyes and relax slightly. When he did Marshall smiled at him. Barney looked shocked at not being hurt and it hurt Marshall’s chest but he knew Barney would come not to fear him. He didn’t even know if he could say would come not to fear him again, because he wasn’t sure if Barney has been scared this entire time.
“Hug?” Marshall suggested, “you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. There’s no pressure.”
“Okay.” Barney’s reply was meek and hesitant. Marshall wrapped his arms around his shoulders gently. He felt Barney tense up through the suit but held his and eventually Barney relaxed and hugged him back.
Marshall let go, “come on,” he spoke gently, “we should go back out before they think something weird.” He let out a little chuckle with Barney, relieved at the small smile on Barney’s mouth.
They both left the bathroom, Barney still a little apprehensive and ready to go home he was tiered and he knew Marshall was going to make him talk about it eventually, but not tonight, he wanted to go to sleep.