Chapter Text
Commander Sam Vimes would be lying if he said he’d never been this angry before. In fact, he could easily remember at least ten incidents and occasions when he’d been more...well full of rage was the only thing he could really call it. Carcer, for one. That man had been an incident all by himself.
This, though...it was definitely up there. Vetinari had fallen ill with some sort of chest infection, something about sitting in a draughty, freezing office in the middle of what had to be the coldest winter in living memory. (No matter what that newspaper editor said. Anyway, that article had been an opinion piece, and opinions weren’t facts.)
Vetinari had been ill long enough that Rust had managed to convince the guilds to “give the man a little holiday”: Forced bed rest. Not that Vimes really disagreed, in principle , since Vetinari was the type who’d still be filling out paperwork from inside the casket, and double pneumonia was such a nasty thing.
No, the problem was with who was standing in for the Patrician. Rust was too old, too close to senile, Drumknott wasn’t...well, he was Drumknott, and Lipwig had quickly gone on leave with that wife of his. Skipped town, more like , Vimes thought. It was rather uncharitable, but hardly far from the truth. Lipwig had saved those kids during that whole Iron Girder business, but that didn’t necessarily make him trustworthy . The Guilds had come up with a solution: A council, just until poor, poor Vetinari was back at his best. Of course, since the same sickness had hit most of the Guild leaders, that meant that people like Mrs. Palm and Queen Molly were bed ridden. In fact, the only Guild leader not ill was Downey. It was intolerable.
Downey, being of an ambitious bent, was itching to start a war. It didn’t matter who with, just so long as Ankh-Morpork got bigger as a result. Worse still, Vimes had the niggling, unpleasant sense that Vetinari had recovered weeks ago. He wasn’t sure why Vetinari would let Downey take over, even temporarily. Maybe he wanted to see what Downey would do, what would happen. Vetinari did like to let people hang themselves on their own petard. And so, Vimes shoved his way past the Palace guards, more or less storming his way to Vetinari’s office.
It took him a moment, upon finding the room vacant, to recall where Vetinari’s bedroom was. It was well past midnight, yes, but this was Vetinari, and Vimes was convinced the man was often up at the wrong side of dawn. Vimes, of course, remembered the way to Vetinari’s quarters because of that poisoning débâcle. Vetinari had been moved to a new room, under Cheery’s instructions, and had apparently decided to retain that room.
The red mist, having descended some time ago (and being a near constant for the past week), meant that Vimes wasn’t much in the mood to knock. Instead, after finding the door locked, he kicked it open.
Vimes stopped dead. The red mist evaporated, and that was really a shame, because now Vimes had an unobstructed view of… Of what… Oh gods . His eyes struggled to communicate with his brain, because of the sheer…
So. Vimes had noticed, without really noticing, that Vetinari had been...well… He’d been spending more and more time with an increasingly small circle of his clerks. Trying to select a replacement for the disastrously unreliable Wonse. Eventually, Vetinari had settled on Drumknott.
Nondescript was the best way to describe him. He wasn’t bad looking, he just came off as the sort of person who cared about Punctuality and Sitting At The Front during their school days. Possibly because, otherwise, their teachers hadn’t noticed whether or not they were in the room.
Again, nothing wrong with that, but Vimes had noticed that Drumknott had been hanging around a lot more. Not just at the Palace, though, but he’d started to be present when Vetinari deigned to leave his office. It didn’t annoy Vimes, not at all, he just couldn’t help but notice it.
This was a surprise, though. So. Vimes had been right: Vetinari and Drumknott had gotten to be quite close. Actually, they were currently as physically close as it was possible to be. More specifically, Drumknott was currently on top of his boss. Okay. So he’d managed to process that much. Moving on. The two men spent most... well nearly all of their time together. That didn’t necessarily explain why they were naked. Or, frankly, and this was the main source of Vimes’ shock, why Drumknott was buried balls deep inside his boss. That seemed wrong , somehow. Vimes had always thought, and he really didn’t want to admit that he’d given this so much consideration, that Vetinari would be on top.
Vimes’ train of thought had taken some time, and the bed’s occupants, preoccupied as their otherwise were, had noticed Vimes’ presence. They paused, and Vetinari, flat on his back, peered around Drumknott. Only slightly flushed, despite the dick up his arse, Vetinari asked, calm, “Sir Samuel, don’t you think this could wait?” Vimes was a tad puzzled to find that he was annoyed that Vetinari could be so coherent, even during sex.
The awkward pause extended further. Drumknott, who was significantly more pink-faced, turned ever so slightly. He stared at Vimes.
Vimes had heard a theory, that some Dwarves held, that all the Discworld was nothing more than a story, and that was why the erasure of words was such a sin. He knew, then, from having read those awful “novels” that got passed around the Watch Houses, that if this were a story, then narrative causality dictated that things would somehow instantly work out. The result would be the third party’s inevitable and instant involvement in the unexpected sex scene.
This did not happen. Instead, Vimes pointed a finger at them. “Muh,” was all he could manage.
Amused, Vetinari said, “Is there something wrong, Your Grace? I didn’t quite understand that.”
“Muh.” Vimes shook his head, as if this would somehow help. Then, after another attempt, he forced a few words out: “I’ll–I’ll come back.” Then, he hurried to add, “Tomorrow.” Vimes stumbled off, dragging the door closed.
*
Vetinari shifted, uncomfortable. “Rufus, please, do carry on.”
Drumknott, absolutely mortified, muttered something into his neck. Although he didn’t quite hear the words, he did manage to grasp their meaning from the context.
“Rufus, stopping now won’t return the Commander’s ignorance or innocence.” He didn’t want to embarrass Drumknott any further than the poor man already had been, but Vimes’ walking in on them… Well, it hadn’t exactly put Vetinari off. “Rufus, please .”
A little reluctant at first, then increasingly enthusiastic, Drumknott acquiesced.
*
It was only thanks to Vimes’ feet that he made it home at all. They had loyally read the cobbles, ascertained where they were, and after figuring out that the brain was presently very preoccupied with other thoughts, had taken it upon themselves to go home. Once there, they rallied the other troops, and between feet and hands, Vimes found himself undressed and climbing into bed. Sybil was already asleep, snoring softly. She was a warm and familiar presence, but that did nothing to calm him. Instead, he lay on his back, staring at the dark ceiling, his mind never stopping.
All traces of the earlier rage, and the Downey conundrum had vanished. Instead, the scene he had witnessed played over and over in his mind. He was frankly amazed at how vividly his mind had remembered it - almost as if there had been a little imp inside, furiously painting away so it could be recalled for all of eternity. He could see the scratch marks on Drumknott’s back, clearly made by those pale, delicate fingers. He recalled the way the clerk had been gripping Vetinari’s hips as he’d pounded away. And that movement had been causing other, more interesting things to happen, hadn’t it? Vimes had definitely seen a long, slender cock bouncing against the Patrician’s stomach. And when he’d been able to tear his eyes away from that particular scene, he’d noticed the look of total abandonment on the statuesque face. Gone was the cynical, icy glare, and in its place was pure lust, and passion.
Carefully, so as not to wake Sybil, Vimes climbed out of bed and crossed to the bathroom. He shut the door, and stood, breathing heavily in the cold room. His own cock was hard and aching, and he couldn’t understand why he was reacting in such a way. He wasn’t attracted to Vetinari, was he? The man drove him bonkers and half the time it was a struggle not to hold him down and punch him. His cock twitched violently at the thought of Vetinari pinned beneath him, and Vimes decided not to fight himself on this one. He reached down to take himself in hand, and began stroking. He tried to clear his mind, and to picture Sybil instead, but the traitorous images kept pushing to the forefront. His imagination, tired of being on the sidelines, decided to jump into play, and it was the image of thin lips wrapped around his own cock, whilst Drumknott took Vetinari from behind that had him spilling his release over his hand.
Feeling more confused than he ever had, Vimes cleaned himself up and returned to bed. He had expected that once he’d taken care of himself, he’d feel a bit dirty, and maybe shameful about the thoughts he’d had during his wank. Instead, he just wanted more. It was a long time before sleep finally claimed him.
*
Morning didn’t bring any clarity to Vimes’ chaotic thoughts. He knew he was too distracted to go into work, and decided to stay home for the morning. He’d been working almost nonstop the past few weeks so gods knew he deserved a break. He figured it was about time he did those repairs on the dragon coup he’d promised Sybil ages ago he’d do.
He had a productive few hours, and not only finished reinforcing the walls of three of the pens, but he also ensured the assassin traps he’d set up were still functional. Although he’d been taken off the register, the senior teachers would often send the cockier students to his house to test them. None had passed so far, and he wanted it to remain that way. His hands hadn’t stopped all morning, but this then created the problem that his mind was free to wander of its own accord. For some reason, it wanted to not only wander along to the places it had visited last night, but to throw open the doors, and leap into the fray.
He was so caught up by his fantasies, that he didn’t see or hear Sybil until she was right beside him. He yelled, and dropped the hammer, which bounced painfully off his foot.
“Sam, whatever is the matter? You’ve been jumpy all morning.” She put down the plate with a sandwich on it and took his arm.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”
She gave him a steady look. “Samuel Vimes, you might be able to fool others but you can’t fool me. I’m your wife, and I know you almost better than you know yourself. Does this have anything to do with your meeting with Havelock last night?”
“What? Why, what did you hear? What makes you think this has anything to do with that at all? Because really, nothing happened and it was just a run of the mill meeting, and everything is hunky dory, nothing at all happened, it was all A-okay, yep, just your regular meeting, in which nothing out of the ordinary happened at all.” She continued to look at him, and he began to wither under her stare. Finally he sighed, knowing it was pointless to try and keep something like this from her. “Fine, something happened.”
“Come on, dear. Come inside and sit by the fire where it’s warm and you can tell me all about it.”
He followed Sybil inside to the Slightly Pink Drawing Room and they sat in the comfortable chairs in front of the fireplace. She patted his knee. “Okay, Sam, what’s going on?”
“Well, as you know I went to see Vetinari last night because I wanted to know what on the disc was going on with Downey. It was late, but I figured that he’d still be awake, since you know, he’s him .” Sybil gave him a look that said she already knew all of this and could you please hurry up and get to the reason why you’re acting like a frog dropped into boiling water. “Well, he wasn’t in his office, so I thought I’d find him in his bedroom.”
“A remarkable deduction given it was after midnight.”
He coughed. “Yes, well, as I was saying , when I got there the door was locked. I was in a bit of a mood, and so I might have, kind of, accidentally kicked the door in.”
“Really, Sam, how can one accidentally kick a door in? You’re not Detritus.”
“ Anyway , once I was in the room, I saw something that I was not expecting to see. It’s kind of thrown me, I guess.”
“You kicked in a locked bedroom door, in the middle of the night, and were surprised by what was behind it? Honestly, Sam, sometimes you’re as thick as two bricks. People generally lock doors for a reason, for when they’re wanting privacy for example.”
“You’re really not making me want to tell you any more,” he said, a bit crossly.
“Sorry, dear.” She gave his knee another pat. “I’m going to assume that you saw Havelock involved in an intimate activity.”
“Yes! With Drumknott !”
“Who else would it have been with?” she asked, sounding confused.
“Wait, what? Did you know about this?”
“Of course I did, Sam.”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Because Havelock took me into his confidence. It wouldn’t do to then go blabbing about it.”
“But it’s not blabbing if it’s to me .”
That piercing look was back, and it was so similar to the one that Vetinari gave him that Vimes knew it had to be something that every nob was taught. “Would you be happy if I discussed the details of our love making with him?”
Vimes spluttered. “Of course I bloody well wouldn’t be!”
“Then why would you expect me to break his confidence? My word is my word, Sam, it doesn’t matter who I’ve given it to.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Enough about that. So, you saw Havelock and Rufus together in the bedroom. I know you didn’t have a private school education and so most likely didn’t go through the experimentation phase, but I rather thought you’d be more open minded than this. I didn't expect you to be so put out at the thought of two men together.”
“It’s not that at all!” he said, rubbing at his eyes. He slumped back in his chair. “It’s the complete opposite.”
“Oh. Oh !” Sybil leaned forward and took his hand in hers. “So you found it rather exciting?”
“That’s an understatement. I don’t think my dick has been this hard so much since I was a teenager.”
“There’s no need to be crass,” she said, but her eyes had a hungry look in them. “Is this something that you would like to...pursue?”
“What do you mean? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re my wife, and we’re married.”
“Oh, Sam, you’re still so innocent when it comes to things like this.”
“Innocent? I’m not innocent!”
She laughed. “Yes, dear, you are. But that’s okay. It’s nice to be the one educating you, instead of the other way round. Just because we’re married, it doesn’t mean that we have to be monogamous.”
“I’m not going to cheat on you,” Vimes said gruffly. He was feeling very out of his depth having this conversation with Sybil, and he didn’t like not being in control of the situation.
“It wouldn’t be cheating, dear. Many happily married couples involve other people in their relationship. As long as you’re honest about it, then it’s not cheating. I’m more than happy if you want to become involved with Havelock and Rufus.”
He gave her an incredulous look. “But why? What do you get out of it? How could you be pleased about your husband sleeping with other people?”
“Because I want you to be happy, Sam. It’s as simple as that.”
He struggled with the concept, but knew that Sybil would not have said it if she didn’t mean it. She was honest to a fault. His shoulders slumped when he thought of another obstacle. “It’s all well and good for you to give me permission,” he said, “But I think we’re forgetting that there are other people involved in this scenario.”
She gave a little tinkle of a laugh. “I don’t think that will be a problem. He’s never said as much, but I’ve always known that Havelock had a soft spot for you. I think he’d be very open to the suggestion, and I doubt it would take much for him to convince Rufus.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Why don’t you run along up to the palace? The sooner you talk to him, the less likely you’ll talk yourself out of it. But Sam?”
“Yes, dear?”
“I want to hear all about it when you get home.”