Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The Earthbread had always been full of questionable concepts. Inconsistencies. Information that even when learned or even written down still did not make any sense. A hard rubric to solve within a matter of minutes.

The former Fount of Knowledge would be most familiar with it. Having been made for the purpose of giving answers to the world that have yet to grow. Yet becoming aware of the cruelty of it. 

That even when you tried to grasp everything, trying to aim for an absolute function, some things just slipped right through. Even for Him. Even for such a divine being that the cookiekind and his creator had deemed that he was. Things that he would know how it worked or manifested, up to the very finest detail. Every rule of it carved into the creases of his brain yet left unable to understand why it was necessary to be instilled in reality and became as such. Why was it needed to be there in the first place?

Shadow Milk floated slightly above the railing of Pure Vanilla's balcony, looking down at the garden that stretched out far into the distance on this side of the castle grounds, beds of flowers resting in the night that was blessed by the full moon―the celestial body remaining ever ethereal in its presence amongst the sea of stars. His thoughts stirred unpleasantly with questions that had remained brushed away or tucked away into the back of history for so long.

A particular one that he had so foolishly decided that even if it made no sense―even if it was tragic and ridiculous at the same time, his only responsibility had only been to observe and extract all information about it. Neither to stop a repeat of the cases nor to find a better solution. Because one solution should have been enough, no? Cookies should have listened to his advice properly. Since they insisted so much to ask him for every little woes in their lives. Why not for this one?

Why couldn't they just get rid of it? 

He often ended up thinking like that. Through a polite smile on his face as the cookie in front of him had bitten their lip in refusal, clutching their chest where their problem had resided.

Easy to say. An outsider's blissful point of view. Never understanding the reluctance that came with choosing the one thing that could save their life. 

Because it would mean losing everything that the heart couldn't breathe without. 

Illogical. Fount of Knowledge hadn't understood it then. Hadn't tried to do more than to console them and offer his condolences. 

But then again, he had never thought it would ever affect him. Had thought he was the exception in it all. And now―

Shadow Milk's eyes narrowed when the petals of the flowers way below his point in height rode along with the free journey of the wind, reaching for the sky. Whims of nature that crackled against the flame of passion. Pouring dreams into helpless beings with gentle nudges and guiding lights. 

He sighed. 

Utterly pointless. A simple frail petal could never reach the moon in its highest perch, not even if the wind bent to fulfill it. 

In the same way, he, too, was―

The door leading to the balcony creaked open, its noise made as quiet as possible as if the other cookie daringly approaching him was trying to not scare away a small animal. Correction, the cautious beast. "Shadow Milk Cookie?" A soft voice.

Shadow Milk hummed absentmindedly, glancing to let some of his eyes―both the ones in his hair and his primary ones―watch Pure Vanilla who emerged from his personal chamber―donned in a simple cream-colored robe of a nightwear, clad in a faint glow that stuck to him ever since his awakening and long golden hair that would have earned him the right to be a princess in a fairytale fitting with happy ending with the way it elegantly cascaded down his form. And it would have really happened. If only he hadn't literally taken the beast who imprisoned him back to his home.

"That's my name. Don't wear it out." Shadow Milk continued to float over the railing, crossing one leg over the other as he turned midair to face his oh-so-kind host, his hands on his lap. He was so close to just sitting on the cool metal railing but the less contact he felt was the better. Like wandering in a void, untouched, and always able to disperse into the night air if the situation asked for it. 

Pure Vanilla took leisure steps before stopping in front of Shadow Milk. He craned his neck to look up at the jester whose audience were no more than meager flowers that he gazed down at. Only a lone retired monarch left as an audience that sought to reach an understanding instead of being a tool of convenience. "Why are you still awake?" He asked attentively. Never to immediately push him away. Always a question of 'why'.

'He should have asked why the beast was even lounging around right outside his bedroom.' Shadow Milk huffed, letting one of his pointed ears flick once reflexively from the slight irritation.

In actuality, he had a room all to himself, given to him by Pure Vanilla the moment they had reached the castle. Had been told to make himself at home. Like the hero had been one hundred percent sure that the beast was not there only to scheme―to sneak behind the kindness and slither beneath skin to grasp enough weaknesses to take advantage of.

Too much of an optimistic cookie to have as his other half.

Shadow Milk would argue that they might have chosen the wrong person for the job. Especially when the Truth's whole concept largely included the ugly and hurtful truths. The ones that he had barely seen the Ancient dish out before.

Such difference from his cynical self.

Pure Vanilla wouldn't even bat an eye whenever Shadow Milk decided to intrude on his space instead of actually using the room reserved for him only. This was hardly their first rodeo. Everytime, he would greet him all the same. 

Everytime Shadow Milk would scrunch his face in disgust whenever the branch of kindness was offered to him. 

He scoffed, opting to cross his arms too, backing slightly away enough to fall off the railing if he were sitting on it. "I could ask you the same, y'know."

Pure Vanilla hummed, lidded eyes softening despite the lashing out of Shadow Milk's dark blue locks that he could see. He looked to be almost chasing him with the raised hand―a thoughtless action from his everflowing compassion. "I could feel your presence out here," he replied gently, placing the hand over the soul jam clasped onto his robe by the brooch instead. "I figured I might get a chance to talk with you."

"Not an answer to my question." Shadow Milk tutted mockingly. "Trying to avoid it, hm?"

Pure Vanilla's gaze flitted onto the eyes in the void of Shadow Milk's hair before settling to stare into the beast's mismatched ones. Direct. Open. "If you must know, I was just reading a few letters from my friends. I might have forgotten the time, though." He chuckled quietly. Holding a connection to a vile being like they were not unwelcome, trying to convince them that there wasn't anything wrong for them to belong in an idle conversation. 

Just as they were right now. 

Shadow Milk felt his throat tighten, the strange curse coming back to crawl up and demand an exit. Begging him to admit its existence. 

It shouldn't have affected him. 

He shouldn't have it. 

Shadow Milk swallowed it down, willing it to not make an appearance in front of Pure Vanilla. His crossed arms tucked itself harder into his chest as he sneered, "Of course. Typical. That's all you do. Read and write boring letters. As if your friends aren't getting quite bored of your little 'I'm doing fine' updates."

"I'd like to think that they would be relieved to know that I am doing well. As am I to hear from them." 

"Pssh. You can at least spice it up a little bit!" Shadow Milk flashed a fanged grin at him. "Maybe a little drama here and there. Nothing like the gossip! Laughing at someone's expense is really the kick all of you noble heroes need, I'm sure." Nothing less of a sharp hiss accompanied the last of his words, tumbling out of a forked tongue that peeked out in ridicule. All of his features were just far from a normal cookie.

Unexpectedly, Pure Vanilla seemed to find it funny. None of the emotion that the former Virtue was familiar with; discomfort, apprehension, and foul disgust. None of them leaked out of his expression. A careful calmness with a hint of mirth was there instead. 

"As much as I appreciate your input, I myself am not much for gossiping about. Golden Cheese Cookie and Hollyberry Cookie would be more fitting in that area, especially while drinking. Though I wouldn't call it 'laughing at someone's expense' exactly but they do enjoy a good drama or story." Pure Vanilla droned on almost too easily with a gentle laugh at his own reminiscent ramble, a hand coming to rest on Shadow Milk's knee, almost making the jester recoil into himself if he hadn't caught himself quickly. "Moreover, I would be right to assume that the Greatest Playwright in all of Earthbread would be able to come up with better entertainment, wouldn't I?" 

Shadow Milk didn't slap away the hand on his knee, taking a deep breath to calm the feelings that rose with just that simple touch. 

Pure Vanilla's hand is warm. He thought almost dumbly. 

Shadow Milk closed his eyes petulantly for a moment, letting the eyes in his hair glare at the Saint in his stead. "Again with that? Why do you want me to meet with them so badly? Trying to get rid of me with your friends' hands instead or something? Too soft to do it yourself?" He growled. The sound cut off in the middle. A shuddering breath. 

Pure Vanilla frowned, his thumb rubbing at the blue diamond of the jester's outfit. The skin behind the tight fabric reacted from the heat, his leg jumping slightly but still keeping it crossed over the other. 

Shadow Milk felt like if he suddenly pulled away, it would be proving something to Pure Vanilla whose gaze still never left him. He didn't know but he wasn't going to ever take the chance of proving him right.

"I have never intended to hide you, bluebird," Pure Vanilla murmured. 

That infuriating petname again. Just who did he think he was talking to? Being compared to such harmless creatures...

Truly, the insanity of the Beacon of Light escaped him. 

The Beast of Deceit felt his ears warming up, a violet tint painting the tips of the pointed little things. It flicked again from the wave of his emotions. Embarrassing. He should get better control of it. Or better, tear it apart.

"I know I have already told them of your stay here and they have respected my decision." Pure Vanilla kept caressing the one point of contact that he had with Shadow Milk right now. Like coaxing out a child out of their tantrum. "But I'm sure it would lessen their worries if they got a chance to actually meet you."

Shadow Milk lolled his head to the side with sluggish movement, like a doll with nothing to keep his head upright. "Lessen their worries, huh? Don't you mean the opposite? Have you seen me?"

"I'm seeing you right now." Pure Vanilla tilted his head the same way, letting some strands of his hair fall over his face―long pieces that were tucked behind his ear afterwards. "Floating on my balcony. Sulking―" 

An indignant growl echoed. 

"―but most importantly, just existing right here, in this moment. Without hurting any others." 

Pure Vanilla finished with a kind smile, his milky eyes crinkling in fond amusement. "You could have just let yourself in without permission too. But you didn't."

Shadow Milk tightened his crossed arms. "I'm just not feeling it right now for your awfully cramped room." 

"And not because you think I might be asleep?" Pure Vanilla said with a knowing look.

Shadow Milk offered no answer for that one. He did think that might be the case at first. But then again, of course he had also felt a faint thrum that meant Pure Vanilla might have been awake but still... 

It had been a gamble for him. 

Whether he would find Pure Vanilla awake and buried in his reading or documents that he needed to take care of as the current representative for the admittedly small populated kingdom. Or he would find him actually asleep and vulnerable beneath his blanket―risking the urge to let his claws sink into dough and destroy the image of compassion that had deceived and betrayed him.

Out of hatred. 

Out of revenge.

Out of affection.

Shadow Milk sighed, thoroughly done with that last one. His own mind was playing with him.

His mouth felt dry. 

He drifted his gaze back to the garden again, slightly turning his body away and pulling away from the touch. He let a smirk play on his lips. "Whatever you say, you silly puppet. Can't a humble jester enjoy the view of the garden? Monopolizing the best view, hm? Can't say I'm not proud."

The flowers that he could see from up here all seemed to mock him with their gentle swaying from the breeze. Fragile yet beautiful. 

An itch scratched his lungs.

Pure Vanilla's hand remained in midair like it wanted to reach out again but eventually it rose up to cover his mouth as he let out a small laugh against it. Shadow Milk's eyes trailed the movement like a hungry predator. He didn't want to check if the eyes in his hair were being as obvious too. 

"Of course you're welcome to come up here anytime, bluebird." Pure Vanilla assured like Shadow Milk needed it at all. "You could also go ahead and knock if you weren't sure I was asleep or not. I do want to join you. But well..." He vaguely gestured to his thin clothing, already prepared for bed and the warmer temperature inside. "Perhaps next time. As much as I'd like to talk more with you, I'm afraid I do have activities scheduled tomorrow." 

"A busy little bee, aren't you?" Shadow Milk floated closer, feeling more daring, to come face to face with the culprit of his trouble. "The old man needs his sleep, huh? Well, don't let this lil' ol' me stop you then! Shoo shoo!" He jeered at him, sardonic in its nature. 

Pure Vanilla simply smiled at him again, brushing the white bangs out of Shadow Milk's face―featherlight touch that barely registered in the latter's mind until Pure Vanilla had so smoothly cupped his cheek. Until it was too late for Shadow Milk to avoid his touch like he was electrocuted by it. Until it was too late for Shadow Milk to react in any other way that wouldn't raise suspicion from the abdicated king that something was wrong. 

His heart leapt and his lungs burned. A root marking its home into them. Whether it was physical or metaphorical, he didn't know anymore.

"Good night, bluebird." Pure Vanilla Cookie beamed, the only sun to still bless the night in the space where only the two of them were awake. "Will you be alright?"

Shadow Milk managed a nod.

"Go to sleep soon, okay?" 

A sigh before another nod. "Sure." 

A hitched breath masked under that sigh. 

Pure Vanilla deemed it satisfactory thankfully. Because after that, he pulled away, leaving the warmth of his presence only as a memory to Shadow Milk. The former bowed down politely before entering his chamber. A soft look being the last thing to be gifted to the beast before the door clicked shut and all was back to previously. 

Except that his condition had reared itself on him in one fell swoop after that show of the hero's careless and sappy sentiment.

After he was sure that Pure Vanilla had tucked himself into bed, Shadow Milk silently floated to the edge of the balcony again before almost throwing himself off it, swiftly plunging down and flying until he made it into the depths of the garden. 

The scent of flowers was potent here but he was lucky that it hadn't been the secret garden that the fool dedicated to White Lily Cookie instead. That would have made the matter worse. 

"Ack―"

Said matter didn't wait for him to gain his bearings before a flurry of coughs attacked him after holding it back for so long. It forced him to curl into himself as he hacked against his palm, throat sore and painful with the intrusive petals that climbed out desperately. 

One. Two. Three. It didn't stop until both his palms had stray petals covering them. Yellow petals of the Vanilla Orchids that he had seen littering the Kingdom―coupled with specks of blue jam for some of it. 

Flowers that didn't even bother to be less obvious for who it was supposed to represent. 

In his mind, there was only one. 

Shadow Milk wheezed with the effort to recover from his coughs. His hurried breaths tapering off into small gasps. "Hah―ahaha―"

A questionable concept. 

Something that never needed to manifest. 

A curse for those whose love wasn't reciprocated. Flowers that would grow in their lungs until it crumbled them.

The Fount of Knowledge had said: 

"You only need to confess. If not, you need to erase that love. And with it, the memories."

A simple solution. 

Why couldn't they have just listened to him?

He supposed he got the answer now. 

How arrogant he had been. 

He reaped what he sowed. 

Shadow Milk Cookie crushed the petals within his hands, nails digging into palm until jam was drawn out, further staining the beautiful gold. 

He laughed, eerily so. 

He hadn't thought he would ever fall in love. 

The scent of flowers seemed to grow stronger in the haze of his mind that was watching how his own jam engulfed the petals of the cherished Vanilla Orchids. 

All the fleeting touches and smiles he had received from the other. The hand that reached out to offer him a second chance. To offer him a companion. 

All the care that he had been shown tonight by an endlessly kind soul. Someone who wouldn't ever give up on others. To always heal. Trying to understand Shadow Milk Cookie.

The hand cupping his cheek while the soft gaze never let up. 

He had been the Beast of Deceit for the longest time. Still was. Maybe never would truly change in the way that mattered. Who could even judge the extent of his sins? Who could say that the beast deserved anything more than contempt? Hilarious.

He didn't think he would fall in love with the very antithesis of his being. 

Someone who couldn't choose him. 

Someone who wouldn't love him.

Not in the way that he wanted it to be.

Shadow Milk Cookie choked on the ache throbbing endlessly in his chest.

I am...

You are...

A Wretched Fool.

Chapter Text

A single page turned in its binding. Crinkling of the corner of the old pages. Creases and yellowed edges shown in a well-used book that was still greatly taken care of. Surviving the flow of time and tragedy that had left the kingdom in abandoned ruins. The fading covers that fought its way for its syllables to remain.

Fighting and persisting.

Lasting.

If he smoothed out the wear, it might be just good enough to be called an addition from not long ago. Still valuable. Still adept.

But that wasn't the case at all. The contents of the library had dated back to a few centuries in the past. Shadow Milk was sure of it. Not very satisfactory.

Yet he did not turn away. It was not like he had much of any other option.

Sneaking into the Creme Republic's library and its archives just for this unamusing plight of his would be a greater task than his fraying sanity could deal with right now. Especially considering the chances of him being caught with the cursed ailment humming beneath his chest―always picking the most inconvenient time to appear on stage, or well, perhaps it was more so because the foolish gnat always decided to haunt his thoughts at the randomest times and oh so, so carelessly. 

He could picture it oh so well.

Just imagine if the Beast of Deceit himself were to be witnessed in such a moment. Him lurching and crumpling into himself from wretched feelings clawing out of his throat, a decisively atrocious performance, an undeniably rotten spectacle. Nothing more dreadful than it. He would wish nothing else except for an immediate justice. A massacre served unto those eyes that scrutinized him, gouging them out of their sockets―

A jam-filled mess―

And then he had to watch Pure Vanilla's horrified face, a kind of hurt that marked itself deep and proved cruelty had never let them go―

He would have to watch himself disappointing the one person who thought he deserved any kindness.

Shadow Milk sucked a desperate breath in, his expression swiftly souring into a grimace.

The mere thought was enough to send him into a coughing fit, no matter how small it was, letting some stupid orchid petals greet him once again with their infuriating existence. His hand clenched into a fist around it, digging hard into bruised palms that gave in too easily―soft dough giving way slightly into a jam-painted mess that he had to place illusions onto. Feigning normalcy. Small breaks and chips shaped by digits that sought to induce a pain that was purely physical and not one that seized his mind―

All because of the thought of Pure Vanilla's sorrow. 

Just that only. How laughable. 

See? Real randomest times. Eugh. 

Shadow Milk dragged a hand down his face, sighing shakily into it.

In any case, not worth it.

He doubted there would be anything much important to be gained anyway. Finding alternative solutions to a rare condition that was neither logical nor respected would never sound like a good prospect for a research. Very little useful samples, he would know.

The condition latched itself onto specifically those who were deep in the clutch of their unrequited love, often strongly invested in the whirlwind of the sickly emotions like it was their only reason left to live, rendering them uncooperative regarding exploring the possibilities of surviving in exchange of losing their love.

Even the one solution that existed had not been achieved through much more acceptable means. The act of ensnaring and performing surgery without permission. He would have had just performed it on himself if he could but he hadn't gotten the condition. Never could. The concept of love only existed in theory for him. So there had not been any other choice.

The Fount of Knowledge had been practical.

Heartless.

And announcing the 'efficient cure' as well as entailing the side effects had caused more backlash and resistance to it. Cookies had much preferred to crumble from it.

Shadow Milk had been in disbelief when he had first discovered himself entangled in this state. Convinced that it had been impossible for him to be in that very same predicament. To love as such...

Coughing up the annoying yellow petals for several days in a row, he laughed and laughed and laughed. What a surprise! His obsession had actually bloomed into a love as disgusting as the friendship offer that his weak self had been enticed enough to accept. 

Simple tea parties and peaceful walks. All of them became dangerous to him. A struggle to keep pretending that this was not happening to him. 

Shadow Milk accepted it only when he sat in the middle of his bed one night, surrounded by glaring evidence and the poison-like thoughts that whispered how Pure Vanilla would smile and take care of him if he ever uttered his pain to him. 

Curse him.

Shadow Milk coughed again. A short frazzling thing.

How pitiful.

Okay, his thoughts were really targeting him right now. This was not even random anymore and just straight up relentless. Crumbs.

He groaned loudly. There really had to be other ways to solve this.

There was of course the Spire, hiding his own personal writings and records out of public's eyes in the past, and then also whatever was left of the poor Academy.

Choices.

Choices that he couldn't take.

He didn't want to excuse himself for a prolonged visit to any of those places. He couldn't risk Pure Vanilla asking what he would be doing. If there were to be even a small crack in his act―any inconsistencies at all in his reasoning, Pure Vanilla would notice the lie. Even worse if the gnat somehow chose to tag along.

For someone who had always been paraded around as the picture perfect of a selfless and dignified hero, Pure Vanilla was a confusing puzzle piece.

He was weirdly clingy.

Always trying to find his whereabouts in the castle when it was hardly needed and hardly efficient considering the Ancient's other business with the kingdom's inhabitants.

At first, Shadow Milk had chalked it to the abdicated monarch keeping tabs on him and making sure he was not out to harm his people. Later, he realized it had never been quite that.

Not when the checking in never entailed any inquiries about any schemes. Not when the expression that the half-baked fool wore whenever he found him was not of poorly masked relief but of joy. Not when he would look confused at Shadow Milk's curt reply of 'I didn't do anything to your pathetic little cookies, okay?' to the former asking what he had been doing that day, as if it wasn't the answer that he needed. Later, Shadow Milk would realize he was really just asking about his day.

Shadow Milk had thought Pure Vanilla to be wary at first. But he had quickly realized the hero was actually hilariously clingy.

It made him wonder at times.

'Is he like this with every new friend he has?' Shadow Milk had grimaced once, almost regretting his decision to take the other's hand if he were going to be clung on like a brand new toy like this.

Unfortunately, as quickly he had realized, he had quickly grown used to it too. Much too quickly for his own comfort but he couldn't pretend that the way Pure Vanilla would light up upon seeing him didn't fill a little something into the empty and broken jar sitting inside his chest. A trickle of sweets. As repulsive as it was addicting.

The pages wrinkled in Shadow Milk's grasp. A taste of something foul in his mouth.

He couldn't make up reasons on why he would be leaving. Furthermore, if he disappeared without telling, Pure Vanilla would notice too. And―

And, worse―

He would catch him eventually. 

Begging with those gentle eyes of his, quietly asking why he had gone somewhere far without assuring him. Eyes that always peered up at his floating figure as if wishing to be an anchor to the beast. 

A hand on his puffed sleeve. 

That time during the early phase of their 'friendship' where he had gone back temporarily to the Spire.

"Were you here all this time?" 

A whispered question. Pure Vanilla clutching his own robe where his little heart beat underneath it. The assistance of his trusted staff apparently unneeded in this moment with his attention and partial sight squarely placed on Shadow Milk in front of him.

Shadow Milk's attention was more focused on the hand that grasped his sleeve with a surprisingly firm grip. "...What does it matter to you, Your Majesty?"

"Ah, well, I couldn't find you and..." Pure Vanilla trailed off, trying to find words that seemed to escape him. But his gaze strayed nowhere, staying locked onto the beast and it irritated the latter more than anything. The stubborn show of never letting him go. A cage. Sometimes he felt as such. "You were just gone."

A click of the tongue.

"Can't go anywhere outside your watch, hm? Am I your prisoner now? Afraid of setting a beast free into Earthbread?" Shadow Milk scoffed, narrowing his gaze into a sharp expression, wanting to slap away the tightening hold Pure Vanilla had on him.

"Tell me, Pure Vanilla Cookie."

The irk in his words at least did not escape Pure Vanilla this time. Yet he met his gaze head on with his determined one.

"I did not mean such a thing. I have no intention to imprison you," Pure Vanilla spoke resolutely while crumpling the puffy fabric in his grip. "I'd prefer it if you don't assume so quickly upon my wishes."

Shadow Milk huffed, shrugging his shoulders lazily, averting his eyes to wander the shelves in the Spire's library. Anything to prove that he couldn't care less about adhering to Pure Vanilla.

Pure Vanilla sighed, momentarily closing his eyes. Heaving a deep breath, he continued even if his audience acted uninterested. "I suppose I had just grown used to your presence in the Vanilla Kingdom." He chuckled like it was a good thing, making Shadow Milk's ear flick in involuntary response. "I did not mean to appear as if I forbid you from going anywhere else. I was simply..." he paused, testing the word on his tongue first before he nodded carefully, "...worried."

Shadow Milk halted, by definition truly processing the words. Left dumbfounded. Almost in awe. "Worried...? For a beast? You really spout the strangest things, don't you?" Hushed low reply that didn't decide first whether it wanted to be seething or calming.

The Beast of Deceit clung to rage most of all.

Pure Vanilla furrowed his brows, his grip twitching restlessly from the obvious tell in the beast's posture. "Shadow Milk―"

Shadow Milk swatted his hand away and swiftly caught his wrist instead. "You know how close that sounds to an insult, oh so silly Nilly?"

Pure Vanilla winced as sharp nails pricked his dough―small blessing it were that the other didn't unsheath his claws instead―even through the fabric of his pearl white robe, a bead of jam traveling down his lower arm and dripping down onto the floor. "Shadow Milk―"

"Do you perceive the Beast of Deceit to be weak? That you need to protect them like you do with those other pathetic cookies?" Shadow Milk snorted. "Because let me remind you―"

"You are very capable, I am aware," Pure Vanilla cut him off. Instead of trying to free his hand, he only stepped closer to better see Shadow Milk's expression. "Whether you are able to protect yourself or not, it does not change the fact that I would be worried."

Shadow Milk's expression was pinched to say the least. Distrust intimately glued on him like a second layer.

Pure Vanilla's gaze softened. "I worry because I care. I think of you as a friend, after all. No matter what you may think of me."

The painful grip lessened. 

Pure Vanilla took that chance.

"That's why..." he smiled gently. "I'd like it if you could tell me beforehand. Just so I'll know that you're safe."

A protest dying in his throat. A leering in its stead.

"You're absurd, I'll give you that."

Shadow Milk didn't know who held at whose hands at that point. 

Pure Vanilla's smile was bright in its reach. "I don't mind that at all."

An awful memory.

Shadow Milk wouldn't be able to stay away for long. One way or another, Pure Vanilla would seek him. 

So here he was. 

Lounging listlessly in the library of Vanilla Kingdom's castle. 

On a makeshift reading area that was transformed from its usual lined up desks and chairs look into a spacey corner with several beanbags in some kind of circle on top of beige-colored mat and small tables at the sides. All haphazardly. Without a clear structure. The window with tinted glass near it provided an amiable atmosphere from the filtered light. Not too bright, not too dark. 

An entire partially secluded area just for him. Made disorderly on purpose. The memory of his days as the most delightful and humble―As if!―Fount of Knowledge bothering him again and again whenever he would try to read or write in an appropriate manner; his back straight, downturned gaze, and elbows perched neatly on top of the table.

The whole prim and proper thing had made him want to puke so he'd graciously modified the place to fit his taste. The most fulfilling chaos!

Pure Vanilla of course had been accepting of it too. The only thing he had gotten right, really. Though Shadow Milk would have had done it either way.

The cushion gave in further under Shadow Milk's weight as he reclined more against it, leaning back with his eyes still surveying the pages in the book he had at hand, head as well as body comfortably nestled and legs crossed as his coattails fell down the cushion like a waterfall with its edges moving ever so slightly each second on the mat where it ended up like it had a mind of its own. 

The other books right by his side in the soft pillowy thing were all that had Hanahaki disease mentioned within. On the other hand, the books that were stacked on top of the little table were all about flower languages. Their meanings and the like.

At some point, the type of flowers coughed up by hanahaki patients would come in variations depending on their specific thoughts and emotions. He had gathered the books on the topic just to review it once again when he would reach that stage.

As well as playing the role of placeholder.

For what, you would ask? You'll see. 

If he predicted correctly about today's schedule for a certain Ancient, then not long from now―

Footsteps could be heard from the corridor outside, ringing through like a chime. The tapping of staff against the carpeted floor corresponding to it. 

There. 

Shadow Milk shut the book closed, throwing it up into the air as it disappeared along with the other books at his side, exchanging it with one of the books about flower languages instead―smoothly opening it to a random page in one swoop. Also making sure that the little wounds in his palms seemed like they were never there.

Right on time as the door to the library was opened and clicked shut immediately as the cookie he had expected came through, nearing where Shadow Milk pretended to be locked into reading, rounding a shelf as he then finally found him. 

Shadow Milk looked away from the book to acknowledge the cause of his suffering.

Pure Vanilla had that look that Shadow Milk was just thinking about earlier, joy lighting up his face when their eyes met. Abhorrent. One shouldn't look that happy on seeing him. "There you are, bluebird."

Shadow Milk smirked unhurriedly, lolling his head to the side. “Is this your first guess? Or did you run around everywhere before finding me here?”

This was the exact reason for the stacked books on the table. So that he wouldn't be found with no books at all around him while supposedly hanging out in the library when he would whisk away the Hanahaki-related books that he couldn't let Pure Vanilla see him reading. 

Pure Vanilla chuckled, going over to where Shadow Milk was seated, dismissing his staff away just like Shadow Milk did with the books―something that he had learned after his awakening. Shadow Milk would applaud him if the memory of that betrayal didn't still prick like a bitch. The smile as he looked down at the jester was not helping that sentiment. "I did check the garden first, so second guess. Not too bad, right?"

Shadow Milk scoffed, waving his hand dismissively. "Sure, whatever you want to think, Your Highness."

Pure Vanilla shook his head with a sigh. "Will you stop with the title?"

Shadow Milk brought the book up to hide his smile. "Nope. What will you do about it?"

Pure Vanilla regarded him quietly, peering down at the mop of blue on the otherwise dark cushion. It seemed to last for quite a long time―at least for Shadow Milk―before he made up his mind. 

"Well, I guess I will join you then."

"What?"

The sputtered out question was ignored as the Ancient hovered above his other half with half lidded eyes crinkled in amusement. 

Shadow Milk understood what the other meant when the rustle of white robes that hid replica of eyes and stars below it draped over him slightly, nudging and prodding for him to move to the side as the Ancient tried to squeeze in with him, one knee already climbing in, on the awfully comfortable cushion.

"You―"

"Pfft."

Pure Vanilla managed to claim the place and lay snuggled up to Shadow Milk's side, a cramped space shared like they were two beans in a pod. He laughed cheerily as Shadow Milk cursed beneath his breath, almost hitting the book against his own nose. The hero's hat also knocked off onto the mat during the struggle but he paid it no mind, having no intention to pick it up as it became another decoration in the chaos.

"Witches. You could sit literally anywhere else―" Shadow Milk gestured at the other beanbags not so far away from them, ones that were there exactly because Pure Vanilla liked to join him―"and you choose here?!"

Pure Vanilla hummed in content, sinking in further like he couldn't be bothered to regret his action. "If I am still that title you called me, then I reserve the right to sit wherever I like, including here."

"Wow. Tyranny," Shadow Milk deadpanned.

"You don't hate it." Pure Vanilla closed his eyes to take in the peace and calm, leaning his head against the other's.

Shadow Milk hated that he was right about it. 

He felt a small blush crawling up his cheeks, settling on his dough with a strong grasp. He prayed that Pure Vanilla wouldn't notice. Wouldn't learn just how much the latter's closeness burned a part of his mind into crispness. An ache inside his abdomen. And just how much his heartbeats quickened from the trust that bled into these actions. It hurt.

Shadow Milk opened his mouth, closed them, and then opened them again. 

"You're insufferable." 

"Mm. Okay." Pure Vanilla's smile widened. 

Shadow Milk sighed. "When will your oh-so-busy friends visit again? You're going to squeeze me dry and dead soon from your draining affections, you touch-starved gnat. At least find others to play with." Or maybe don't. He hated the thought of it just now.

Pure Vanilla peeked one eye open, lips jutted out in a pout. Oh, Shadow Milk shouldn't have glanced just now. Bad decisions. Bad. Please take him away.

"You're talking like you're a deflating balloon."

"I am," Shadow Milk replied curtly. "Watch me closely." Wait, don't do that.

The watchful eyes in his hair were probably squinting at him now, judging him immensely. They didn't need to do that. He himself was questioning what he wanted to do actually.

Pure Vanilla turned his head, considering him with an unreadable look before choosing to focus on the book still in Shadow Milk's grasp. "What were you reading? ....Flower language?"

Shadow Milk hummed absentmindedly at that, fingers tracing the cover. "Thought I'd check if their meanings had changed over the centuries and all after looking over your boring garden."

"Even though you said you were enjoying the view?" Pure Vanilla teased.

"Shush. Zip it," Shadow Milk grumbled as Pure Vanilla giggled. "The Greatest Playwright as in moi had to check if your choices of pesky plants even had grand meanings to it! You should be grateful and leave me to it," the former retorted, sticking out his tongue at the other. "It's way better than spending my time on the books you recommended. Really, fairytales out of all things?"

"But isn't it nice?" Pure Vanilla laughed, raising a hand to muffle it. A movement that was followed by multiple eyes. "I'm quite sure the tale has changed over the centuries."

Shadow Milk trailed the way his sleeve slipped and revealed the parts further down his wrist. Thank the Witches for the other's bodysuit. The way his own throat tightened over it was pathetic. He coughed before answering, "Sure, being kissed without permission in your sleep does sound nice. Is that what you cookies want to teach your doughlings?"

Pure Vanilla squinted his eyes at him, looking way too goofy at this distance. This distance is killing him, mind you. "Why is that the conclusion you take from it? Actually, never mind." He reached out to pinch Shadow Milk's nose for a split second where Shadow Milk growled at him for it and pulled away before Shadow Milk could bite his hand. "It's supposed to be touching, you know? True love breaking a curse."

"Poor taste. I much preferred the older and darker version." Shadow Milk grinned with all teeth. 

"Children can't read that." Pure Vanilla knocked their heads together―Shadow Milk grunted in complaint―as if that would topple common sense into place in the beast's head. "We have to show them happy endings. That's the point."

Shadow Milk huffed. "Not everything will end happily."

His hair tangled with Pure Vanilla's hair, stubborn locks that slithered below their backs to hug around the other's waist. Dark blue meeting gold that shone through even through the darkest days. The little traitorous thing that throbbed inside his chest. The pain that reminded him. Even if Pure Vanilla might be born for happy endings... he just was not―

"Even if it started as a tragedy, it still deserves a happy ending," Pure Vanilla replied quietly. "We just have to keep trying."

"I prefer happy endings in that way."

Ridiculous.

Pure Vanilla smiled in a way that was too bright.

Beautiful. 

He smiled at him. 

This would kill him.

Shadow Milk chuckled, fighting the restricting tension inside his lungs. Fondness coloring his breath like he could no longer pretend it was anything else than affection.

Them simply talking like this, being so close. This, too, would be a memory that trampled on his ability to choose wisely. One of the many. 

If there was no other cure, he'd have to forget. 

Would he be able to choose that?

He kept remembering. 

Even when Pure Vanilla had not been by his side.

He kept on remembering.

Even when Pure Vanilla was by his side right now.

"What do you even get out of this?"

Shadow Milk asked almost in a whisper while they walked through the garden. A quiet stroll that was filled with hums and faux peace. 

"What do you mean?"

Shadow Milk sneered. "This whole 'offering friendship' thing. Are you just bored out of your mind?"

Pure Vanilla looked up at his floating form with a considering gaze, tilting his head slowly as if halting the time itself. "Do I need to get something out of it?"

"Why, of course!" Shadow Milk smirked. "No one does anything without expecting something back. That'd be dumb."

Pure Vanilla hummed again. An annoying little sound that grated on Shadow Milk's ears from its gentle touch and softness.

The hero didn't answer with anything for a good while until they came across a flower plucked from its stem, laying on the pathway uselessly. He picked it up carefully, holding the stalk and caressing its petals like it wasn't a wilting and broken thing―undeserved of love.

"If there is anything I want," he spoke in a lull, turning to face Shadow Milk with the flower cradled against his heart, "I'd want for you to be at peace here, even if only a little bit."

Shadow Milk remembered again. Cruelly.

Pure Vanilla brushed his bangs away, reaching over and fretting as if he wanted to tuck them behind the blue pointed ear but kept failing. His brows were pinched in focus and determination, pursing his lips.

Shadow Milk laughed at the ticklish sensation, choosing to intervene before his eyes could wander too much with the other almost leaning on top of him. "What are you doing, you old fool?"

"Does your bangs never get in the way of your reading?" Pure Vanilla asked in a serious tone. A matter so small yet treated as if it was a major trouble. 

How could his other half keep doing this to him? Did he truly know nothing?

Something was blooming again. Deep inside. Taking roots.

"No. But you are," Shadow Milk drawled. "You're getting in the way right now."

Pure Vanilla blinked before he realized, pulling away to his side again. "Sorry, ah... well... I just thought..."

Adorable. Sickening. Both that were true.

Shadow Milk looked away. "Well, I think you have to go now, don't you think? Look at the time." 

Go away. Go away. Go away. 

"Ah, you're right. I have to meet up with Black Raisin Cookie." Pure Vanilla rose up. Shadow Milk was already missing his warmth. "Would you like to join us?"

Breathe.

Shadow Milk watched the other pick up his forgotten hat and pulled out his staff again. He yawned exaggeratedly, stretching out lazily much like a cat. "Boring outing. Leave me out of it. I have to get back to my reading that you so rudely interrupted."

"I see," Pure Vanilla giggled at the other's antics. "Please do not sleep here though. I can't guarantee you won't feel it in your back later."

Shadow Milk hissed at him, baring his teeth. "Tsk, treating me like an old man now?"

"You are old."

"Shut it, you imbecile."

"Alright, alright." Pure Vanilla turned with a wave, sending him a smile. "See you later, bluebird."

Shadow Milk didn't reply, watching that back disappear around the corner. 

A moment that finally ended. 

He sighed into the pages. 

Curling into himself, he was torn.

Even when he tried to find other answers, it failed him. 

Even if it could save his life...

Even if it would lead to his death...

The answer was always no. 

In the library where the books only sealed what he already knew, there was nothing to be changed. 

He couldn't afford to forget Pure Vanilla.

He wouldn't allow it.

Not for anything. 

Everything was just―

Shadow Milk curled more into himself, his coattails moving to drape over himself and his hair spread out in manic. He coughed frantically into his palms, almost choking as his breathing was thrown into haywire with it. His Soul Jam's light brightening and darkening in an annoying and unstable rhythm.

The petals that had been wheezed out with much struggle finally revealed itself, lessening the horrible itch in his throat.

There was no jam this time at least. Only smeared with blue jam from the palms that no longer hid its ugliness. Shadow Milk thought deliriously. What a thing to be grateful for.

But it lasted for a short time. 

He recognized the kind of flower it belonged to. 

He laughed.

Anemone.

Petals from different colors of anemones laid in his palms. Cradled by hands that trembled from the hilarity of it or maybe fear. 

―Futile

This time, he didn't crush the petals.

Securing them inside his hold. 

Held close to where his heart beat. Still alive.

He couldn't throw away the memories.

These manifestations of them he would keep.