Archive of Our Own

Centaurs

Ilya Rozanov added Shane Hollander to Centaurs

Ilya: my wife is here

.Shane: that is not the message we discussed

Shane: Also I am not your wife we’re both men

Ilya: my wife is mad((

Shane: Hello everyone, this is Shane Hollander, super excited to be here

Bood: Shane we all know its you we’ve been asking you to join the chat since preseason why did it take you until playoffs to agree to join??

Shane: I didn’t want to invade! I’m still the new guy

Dykstra: Dude you’re Shane fucking Hollander AND you’re married to the literal captian you are not ‘the new guy’

Luca: Happy to have you Shane!!

Ilya: Stop sucking up to my husband Haas I am the only one allowed to be sucking him
Luca disliked this message

Troy: Welcome shane you should leave before its too late

Wyatt: Yay! Shane!

Shane: Hi everyone, Ilya stop being mean to Luca

Ilya: i am defending your honor

Shane: Ilya

Ilya: sorry😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

Wyatt: whipped

Bood: whipped

Troy: whipped

Dykstra: whipped

Young: whipped

Dillon: whipped

Boyle: whipped

Holmberg: whipped

Lapointe: whipped

Ilya: i will make you all skate suicides tomorrow i am still captain

Shane: No he won’t everyone ignore him he’s being a baby

Wyatt: Ilya listen to your husband

Centaurs

The next day

Ilya: fucking killed it today fuck the nomads the power of gay love wins

Ilya: stanley cup is ours boys

Troy: I don’t know if that’s the message…

Ilya: ah so your homophobic you hate gay people troy??

Wyatt: lets not bring homophobic barrett back please I already lived through it once

Troy: ...

Troy: also ilya its you’re*

Ilya: I will place a curse on your bloodline barrett

Bood: OKAY ilyas right really great game today guys lets keep it up

Ilya: see this is true allyship

Troy: Shane how do you live with this man

Shane: I ask myself that everyday

Ilya: my husband hates me and wants me to die i am running away from home if you need me i am in the wilderness one with the animals

Shane: you are so fucking dramatic come downstairs

Ilya: he loves me))))

.Shane: I tolerate you

Wyatt: this is prime entertainment

Holmberg: agreed

The best Nomads

Smith: how did the fucking centaurs beat us

Smith: Hollander and Rozanov on the same team should be illegal fuck the metros for unleashing the full power of hollanov on us

Andersen: Hollanov?

Smith: yk hollander plus rozanov? hollanov

Willams: Smith man you need to get off twitter maybe thats why we’re losing

Allen: okay guys this is a safe space right?

Smith: Yes

Andersen: Yes

Williams: Yes

Allen: you know how scott hunter came out and won a stanley cup, then barrett came out and became about a million times better THEN hollanov? came out and now the centaurs are on the most insane playoffs run of all time

Smith: buddy get to the point

Allen: do you think gay sex makes you a better hockey player

Williams: there were about a thousand things you could’ve said there that was the last thing I expected

Andersen: no no hear him out cos he has a point there

Smith: DOES HE?

Connors: okay guys i just checked my phone wtf are yall on about

Allen: Connors buddy hey so do you think im right that gay sex makes you a better player

Connors: only one way to find out Allen

Connors: try it and report back

Allen: I know you’re joking but maybe…

Smith: you’re kidding

Smith: right?

Smith: right??????

Connors: hes gone

Connors: good luck brother

Private chat between Cliff Marlow and Hayden Pike

Cliff: Pike

?Hayden: Marlow

Cliff: please can you tell your man to go easy on us next game I cannot handle the full power of Roz and Hollzy

Hayden: Man tell me about it I hate my team more and more everyday not just because there homophobic assholes but they caused the combined power of bisexual terminator and his highest hockey IQ in the game husband to play for the same team

Hayden: It’s fucking brutal

Cliff: save me

Private chat between Shane and Ilya

Shane: Excited for the game tomorrow

Ilya: Yes me and marley are getting drinks please come with shane

Ilya: pleaseeeeeeeeee

Shane: you can see your friends without me for a few hours

Ilya: fine i love you am nearly home

.Shane: I’m waiting

Private chat between Cliff and Hayden

Cliff: ask you wife if we can do gay shit together i wanna try something

Hayden: I beg your fucking pardon

Cliff: you will be ;)

Hayden: I AM MARRIED

Cliff: i mean she can probably join

Hayden: are you on something what is happening right now

Cliff: went for drinks with Roz we were thinking about the old days and remembered our old clubbing days

Hayden: yes yes rozanov was an evil slut go on

Cliff: on occasion me and roz would yk have a threesome togetehr or be two parts of an eiffel tower stuff like that you know

Cliff: and i realised my best ever season was the season me and roz were doing borderline gay shit otgetehr

Cliff: i mean there was still a woman but yk

Cliff: so i thought if that was only a fraction of my gay potential what would happen to my hockey game if i released my full gay potential

Cliff: and given your game is also going the worst the metros have ever played ever

Cliff: i thought we could help eachother out

Hayden: this is fucking insane

Cliff: not a no

Hayden: NO

after an embarrassing 4-0 loss for the metros

Hayden: i’ll ask jackie

Admirals

Cameron: Cap do you think you became better at hockey post stanley cup kip kiss

Woody: finally someone says what we’ve all been thinking

Cameron: cos like the centaurs post gay marriage are fucking beasts on the ice

Cameron: soooo gay love = good hockey?

.Scott: No, I became a better player because I didn’t have to hide a huge part of myself from the world not because gay love makes you good at hockey

Vaughan: ohhh is this about all those players who keep doing gay shit to see if they become good at hockey

??Scott: I’m sorry, they’ve been doing what

Vaughan: yeah I spoke to Cliff Marlow the other day who’d also spoken to a couple other players and apparently post shane and ilya coming out they’ve all become convinced that the power of gay sex will bring them a stanley cup

?Scott: I feel like I’m having a heart attack, MULTIPLE PLAYERS

Woody: I think you broke cap

Cameron: So… Vaughanny did it work?

Vaughan: I don’t know but maybe worth a try

Scott: how is this my life

The father, the son and the holy spirit

Scott: Are you boys aware that coming out and playing insane hockey together has led a bunch of players to believe that gay sex is the key to winning at hockey.

??Shane: I’m sorry they’ve been doing what

Ilya: I mean it was for shane

Ilya: maybe for me also

Scott: Yeah Vaughanny just told me few players from the nomads, apparently cliff marlow?, and a few other teams too

Ilya: MARLEY BECAME GAY FOR HOCKEY AND DIDN’T TELL ME

Scott: Not the point Rozanov

Ilya: Hunter you are on your deathbed im sure you are accustomed to betrayal after your many years on this earth I am youthful and young and this is my first so let me mourn in peace

Scott: why did I even try

Shane: What do you expect me and Ilya to do about this Scott I mean its insane but seems like their business

Scott: There’s multiple grown men ‘doing gay shit’ to see if they become good at hockey I feel like we should tell them that actually no living a life which isn’t a lie is what makes good hockey

Ilya: Noooooo let them try being gay is too funny not too

Ilya: they’re idiots they just can’t admit they’ve always been a little curious now is a ‘straight’ excuse

Shane: I don’t really think it’s that big a deal

Ilya: yes not my farm not my cows or whatever the saying is

Shane: I know you know its ‘not my circus not my monkeys’ ilya

Ilya: but you are so cute when you are annoyed shane

Ilya: I want to eat you

Scott: You two are nauseating

Scott: well this was predictably unhelpful

Private chat between Shane and Ilya

Shane: So do you think it worked

Ilya: What

Shane: Do you think they became better hockey players after you know

Ilya: No Shane I do not know

Shane: Gay sex Ilya

Shane: You’re such an asshole you knew what I meant

Ilya: Yes but after everything we get up to I feel that you can say it shane

Shane: Shut up answer my question

Ilya: hmm what do I get if I answer

?Shane: my unwavering love and support

Ilya: let me fuck you until you cry when you get home and we’ll talk

Shane: I’d let you do that anyways Ilya

Ilya: Yes you will

Ilya: is stupid question of course not, if they are better is because they are happy now

Ilya: you know shane all homophobes are secretly gay

Shane: I will figure it out

Ilya: Okay моя любовь

A few days later

Shane: HAYDEN WAS INVOLVED

Ilya: oh no… I am so shocked Hayden bicurious in love with shane hollander Pike is involved

Ilya: does the lovely jackie know because I would be HAPPY to tell her to divorce montreals 15th best player

Shane: Hayden and Jackie and Cliff TOGETHER ILYA

Ilya: you are having panic attack shane come downstairs i’ll make you forget all about the least interesting threesome of all time

Private chat between Cliff Marlow and Ilya Rozanov

Ilya: we are no longer friends

Ilya: you fuck hayden pike and do not tell me??

Cliff: Not in a gay way just in a hockey way

Ilya: Marley this makes no sense

Cliff: I’m just a slut not gay

Cliff: like you

Ilya: I am bisexual and married to a man

Ilya: you know this

Ilya: it is important to me that you know this

Cliff: Yeah now but like back in the day you would fuck anything that moved men or women you weren’t bisexual just a slut

Cliff: Like me

Ilya: you are stupid or you are homophobic and given you cried at my wedding im thinking you are an idiot

Ilya: I didn’t become bisexual when I married shane I have always been bisexual marley

Ilya: I was also a slut

Ilya: these are unrelated

.Cliff: Oh

.Cliff: Fuck

Ilya: yes

Ilya: Actually no because Hayden Pike cannot be the reason for this not when your best friend and ex-captain is sexiest man alive

Ilya: You’ve thought about me marlow

Ilya: I know you have

Cliff: Yeah man we used to have threesomes together

Ilya: i have touched someone who has touched hayden pike

Ilya: I must drown myself in a bath of bleach

Ilya: goodbye tell shane i love him

Centaurs

Ilya: ok who has fucked men to discover is gay sex makes good hockey

Ilya: be honest I will know

Troy: believe him he will

Luca: does it count if I was already fucking men?

Ilya: wow i am so shocked. No luca you had a poster of me shirtless above your bed at age 12 we all knew you were gay

Luca: YOU WEREN’T SHIRTLESS

Holmberg: me and young kissed to test it out but that was to see if we were gay not for better hockey

Lapointe: Bro folded under ZERO pressure

Young: does a blood oath mean nothing to you

Holmberg: 🤷

Young: It seemed smart at the time

Holmberg: Just to be clear neither of us are gay but it was a fun experiment

Holmberg: Youngs a good kisser

Young: hey appreciate it man

Holmberg: No worries bro

Bood: ignoring that, cap why do you ask?

Ilya: many players are being gay because they think gay sex is why me and shane are so good at hockey

Troy: you’re kidding right?

Troy: Right??

Ilya: someone call Harris his boyfriends having a panic attack

Shane: Sadly not a joke

Shane: Straight men are stupid

Wyatt: Hey! Not all of us

Shane: A few have even DM’d me asking if I’d be down like I’m not publicly married to Ilya

Ilya: They have done what.

Troy: Shane I hope you know you have just signed many men’s death sentences

Shane: What can I say he’s hot when he’s jealous

Ilya: Do they not know he’s MY shane

Ilya: MY HUSBAND

Ilya: They hit on my husband and expect to live

Ilya: Idiots

Ilya: I am russian I know how to hide a body

Ilya: If you see me on the news I am innocent and those men deserved what they got

Ilya: (Also bail me out I’m scared Shane will kill me)

Shane: So fucking dramatic

Troy: Shut up Shane you started this

Bood: Ilya no murder we are so close to winning the cup

Wyatt: Is this whole thing just like foreplay to them…

Bood: yes

Troy: yes

Dyksta: yes

Luca: I think they’re gone

Bood: Shane I am praying for you brother

Holmberg: Amen

Private chat between Shane and Ilya

Shane: Okay, so I did it

Ilya: And what may it be Shane

Shane: I created a spreadsheet tracking the players who have tried gay sex and comparing their stats from before and after they tried it

Ilya: I must fuck you right this second

Shane: Not right now, I’m looking for if there’s any correlation in my spreadsheet

Ilya: You are so sexy I am so in love with you

Shane: Yes yes shush

Shane: The funny thing is there actually is a correlation all of their stats have gotten better since the act happened

Shane: Obviously I don’t know every player who’s done this so I don’t have a complete dataset but so far there is a clear statistical correlation

Ilya: Leave the glasses on I’m coming now

?Shane: How do you know I’m wearing glasses

Ilya: Oh Shane I adore you

Shane: Okay, see you in a second then but I just thought it was interesting

Ilya: Shane моя любовь, you created an entire spreadsheet to track hockey players stats based on whether or not they had gay sex

Ilya: you are so special and it is very interesting

Ilya: I am endlessly endeared by you

Ilya: You combined your two favorite things: being super gay and hockey

!Shane: I am normal gay Ilya

Gay hockey player stats

Shane: Okay spreadsheet is complete thank you for the information

Scott: For sure Shane glad we could help I guess?

Hayden: Shane, buddy you know I love you like one of my own but I still think this is weird

Cliff: Its fucking hilarious

Shane: Anyways just wanted to say its done and gay sex does in fact seem to make you better at hockey

Scott: You’re fucking with me

Shane: Yeah so just keep that in mind when you play any of the teams and players listed on the spreadsheet guys

Hayden: Wait.

Hayden: Shane.

Hayden: You actually did this to find out about if you needed to change your HOCKEY STRATEGY

Shane: Yeah of course its important information for the game if players are suddenly getting better, I know what to look out for

Hayden: Buddy, your brain astounds me

Scott: Gonna be honest Shane that is really fucking weird

Cliff: You’re all fucking weird

Private chat between Shane and Ilya

?Shane: Am I weird

Ilya: Yes

Ilya: And I love you endlessly for it

Ilya: Come to bed Shane

Shane: Ok, я тебя люблю

Ilya: ))