Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He was twelve years old when it happened; Gerard was sitting in the back seat of their car, his mother in the drivers seat, when Gerard asked her to hand him his drink.

It was in that split moment when everything changed, his mothers eyes were only off the road for a few seconds, but it only took those few seconds for her car to rear off into the other lane, crashing head on with a semi truck.

He woke up in the hospital, completely alone, his head wrapped in bandages, and his arm in a cast.

He couldn't remember what had happened, and all he could do is cry until a nurse rushed in.

His father eventually entered the room as well, but it didn't look like his father, well, it did, but it didn't feel like him anymore.

They tried to explain the accident to Gerard, they tried to explain that his mother had passed away, but Gerard refused to believe it.

They put it off as his own way of grieving, and with time Gerard was sent home with his father.

Gerard had never had a strong relationship with his father, and the relationship that he did have, weakened after his mother died.

His father turned to booze to numb the pain of the loss of his wife, leaving Gerard scared and alone most of the time, forced to grieve on his own.

It didn't help that he blamed Gerard for the accident, he blamed him completely, and that led him to do many awful things.

Gerard was mostly in denial about the whole situation, he had never lost someone close to him before, and it was hard for his brain to register the loss.

In his mind, his mother was still alive, in his mind she was just away on business, like she usually was.

That's when bad went to worse, Gerard's father would fill with rage whenever Gerard brought up his mother, asking when she would return from business, asking if she had called.

He took out that rage on Gerard, it started with hurtful slurs, but eventually escalated to the point where Gerard constantly had to wear long sleeves to hide the marks his father had left on him.

Gerard stopped mentioning his mother after the first time his father hit him, but it didn't seem to matter, because he didn't stop hitting him after that.

It was the only way his father felt any form of peace, so he found any reason possible to get violent with Gerard.

Gerard spent most of his time in his room after that, he would lie in his bed for days on end crying; only leaving to use the bathroom, or find something to stop his stomach from rumbling.

He only left his room when his father was gone, in fears that if his father saw him, he would hit him again, which happened more often than not.

They were living off his mothers life insurance, seeing as his father could no longer hold a job because of his alcoholism.

He began bringing random women home at night, and Gerard would hear them down the hallway, his sobbing usually drowned out the sounds though, and he wished it would drown out the pain in his heart as well.

In Gerard's mind, his father was cheating on his mother, and the thought of his mothers heart being broken, broke his.

Some of the women weren't all that bad though, some of them even tried taking care of Gerard on the rare occasion that they saw him.

There was one girl, Hannah, that was over more often than the others; Hannah had heard Gerard crying in his room one night when she went to get a glass of water, and had tried to comfort him.

His bedroom door was open, so she had walked in slowly, not wanting to frighten him.

She had sat down on his bed, and rubbed his back, and asked him what was wrong.

He had told her his father was cheating on his mother, and when Hannah had mentioned his mothers death, Gerard threw a fit.

"She's just on a business trip!" He had screamed at the top of his lungs. "She'll be back!"

Hannah figured he was still grieving, so she didn't bring the topic up again, instead she offered to take Gerard downstairs, and make him a snack before bed.

Besides that little mention of his mother, Gerard decided he liked Hannah.

He hadn't had anything to eat with nutritional value in weeks, and after she made him a quick can of soup, he downed it so fast he burnt the inside of his mouth.

Hannah blamed the lack of meals on the fact that Gerard's father was still grieving, and while grieving you don't really make meals.

She made Gerard a sandwich that night as well, seeing as the boy seemed to be underweight, and was still hungry.

Then she gave him a big hug, something he had been craving for weeks, and helped him back into bed.

The next morning Gerard woke up to Hannah nudging his side, asking him why he wasn't at school.

Gerard explained that the school was very far away, and his father was always too drunk or hungover to drive him there, so he only went whenever he had time to make the long walk.

Hannah insisted on driving Gerard to school that day, and she even packed him a lunch.

That was the best day Gerard had in a long time, not only was he able to go to school and learn, but he wasn't hungry while being there like he usually was.

No one questioned where he had been, he had no friends to worry about his wellbeing, and his teachers knew about the accident, and assumed the young boy was still healing, or having a hard time with the loss.

Hannah wasn't at his house everyday, but when she was, she made sure Gerard was fed, and had a ride to and from school.

She even brought him a bag of clothes one day, after noticing he was starting to out grow his own.

Gerard didn't know this, but Hannah had lost her son in an accident a few years ago; that's why she was always taking care of Gerard, she still had her mother instincts.

Things had been going really well ever since Hannah started hanging around, Gerard wasn't hungry all the time, he was a healthy weight, his grades were going back up in school, and his father never hit him when she was around.

That only lasted a couple months though, eventually she stopped showing up.

"She's not coming around here anymore, Gerard." His father had snapped at him after he asked where she was. "Forget about her."

Gerard was so confused, all he knew was that he woke up one morning, and she was gone.

She didn't even say goodbye, she just left Gerard with a million unanswered questions.

That's when things went downhill again, Gerard missed school almost everyday, he was always hungry, he craved any form of affection, and his fathers beatings got worse.

The school finally took notice of his constant absences, and warned him if he didn't start coming to school, he would have to go to court.

It was a very bad day when they received that letter, his father had became angrier than Gerard had ever seen him, and the beating he got was worse than ever before.

His father had smashed an empty liquor bottle over his head, the glass shards pierced his scalp, and had blood dripping down his forehead.

Gerard ran from home then, his vision blurred by tears as he ran down the street, the intense throbbing in his head the last of his worries.

He finally stopped in an empty park, and sat on a bench, pulling his knees up to his chest as he continued to sob violently.

He sat there for what seemed like ages when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" A soft voice whispered, and Gerard hesitantly gazed up towards the voice. "Oh, god, you're bleeding..."

Gerard was too choked up to respond, the person was blurry to Gerard, but he could tell it was another boy his age.

He wanted to respond, but he simply couldn't, so he just stared at the boy, his lip quivering as he shook his head slowly.

"Let me help you..." he spoke again, this time grabbing Gerard's hand, and leading him to the bathroom.

Gerard hadn't stopped crying, but the little affection he felt as the other held his hand eased the pain slightly.

That's what Gerard needed so badly, he needed love, just like any other kid, and it was really affecting him that he wasn't getting it.

"I'm Frank." The boy introduced himself, getting a few paper towels wet with water. "Let me help you clean up."

Gerard nodded shakily, but jerked away as the towel made contact with his skin; it burned so badly, and there were still shards of glass in his skin.

"Hurts-" Gerard sobbed, trying to walk away from Frank, but in the end cornering himself.

Frank tried to sooth him, gently taking out each shard of glass, ignoring the shrieks of pain from Gerard.

It felt like hours before Frank was done, and the pain didn't cease at all with the lack of glass.

"Shh." Frank soothed, reaching his hand up and cupping the side of his face. "We're all done..."

Gerard's crying ceased almost immediately, that extra act of affection numbing his pain for that short period of time.

He leaned into the touch, his teary eyes closing as he relaxed for once that day.

"Do you like this?" He asked softly, running his thumb over Gerard's tear soaked cheek.

Gerard simply nodded, sniffling softly, his body absentmindedly leaning towards Frank.

Frank seemed to understand what Gerard was getting at, and before Gerard knew it, Frank was wrapping his arms around him, squeezing him tightly.

"T-Thank you." Gerard sniffled, wrapping his arms hesitantly around Frank.

"We all need a hug sometimes." Frank shrugged, pulling away and making his way back to the park bench. "Wanna talk about it?"

Gerard shook his head violently at that, pulling his knees back up to his chest, and hiding behind them.

"Hey, that's okay." Frank spoke softly, and Gerard peeked at him from behind his legs. "We don't have to talk about it."

Gerard relaxed slightly at that, and nodded his head slowly,

So instead of talking about it, they talked about other things, they talked about things Gerard usually only thought about inside his head.

Frank was very much like him, and Gerard took comforting in the fact that he had possibly made a friend.

They talked for hours after that, Gerard wanted to stay at the park as late as possible, that way when he returned home his father would hopefully be passed out.

Frank offered to walk him home after it started to get dark, and since Gerard didn't want to say goodbye yet, he accepted, that way he'd have a few extra minutes with Frank.

"Things will get better." Frank whispered as Gerard froze in front of his house.

"How do you know?" Gerard whimpered, staring at Frank instead of the dreaded house. "It never gets better."

"It will." Frank repeated. "Trust me."

He hugged Gerard then, and just like that he was gone.

Gerard was forced to go inside then, but luckily for him, his father was passed out on the couch.

Gerard wandered up to his room then, climbing into bed and falling asleep to the thought of Frank.

Chapter Text

Things did get better in an odd way, no, Gerard's father didn't stop drinking, and no he didn't stop hitting Gerard either; but because his father refused to go to the court hearing, CPS was forced to investigate, where the truth of course came out.

Gerard refused to speak to the people, instead he just listened as his father went on and on about how he fell off his bike, or how the house was messy because he hadn't had time to clean it; he listened to his dad's excuses for several minutes, but Gerard's injuries did not correlate with a bike accident, and the CPS workers weren't stupid.

The police were there after a little while, and they detained his father while the CPS workers talked to Gerard, eventually having him spill everything to them.

He cried as he told them how his father smashed the bottle over his head, and how he was very mean to him with his words; the friendly people assured Gerard that his father wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore, and he didn't understand what that meant until he watched his father being taken away in a police car.

Gerard questioned where he was going, and the people told him he was going away to where they kept bad people.

It felt wrong, but Gerard was happy about that, he thought his father deserved to be locked away with other bad people.

He asked if his mother was going to come home now, and after some confusion on CPS's end, they told him he would have to stay at a children's home for a little while until they could reach his mother.

Gerard was so happy they were going to call her, his father never let him try to call her and he was very eager to talk to her again.

Realistically, of course, CPS wasn't searching for his mother, but instead another family member who might be able to take care of him.

It would be a long process, so they had Gerard pack a bag so they could take him to the children's home.

Gerard went eagerly and rushed into his room, ready to pack his stuff up and get ready to see his mother again.

What he wasn't expecting, was to see Frank in his room.

The two had spent more time together since their initial meeting, but Frank had never come inside the house before.

"I climbed in through the window." Frank explained, looking back at the open window. "I saw the police cars and got worried about you."

"Oh." Gerard smiled, grabbing his little bag as he began to fill it with clothes. "You don't need to worry- you see, they took dad away and they're gonna call my mom, and everything will be better... it's just like you said, Frankie, everything is getting better."

Frank smiled as he watched Gerard pack away his things, but he didn't say anything at all, he just watched.

Gerard suddenly stopped though, and he turned around to face Frank.

"I- will I see you again?" Gerard stuttered out then, realizing he was leaving Frank behind as well.

"Yes." Frank nodded, walking over to him. "I know where you're going, I'll come see you, I promise."

"Do you... pinky promise?" Gerard questioned with an eyebrow raised, his pinky in the air.

"Of course I do." Frank grinned, hooking his pinky with Gerard's. "I'll come see you in a few days."

They hugged goodbye then, and Gerard waved as Frank climbed back out the window.

-

The place they took Gerard was very loud, and he hoped that they would contact his mother soon, so he didn't have to stay there very long.

Plus there were big kids there, big kids who looked mean, Gerard couldn't handle mean anymore.

He had his own room at least, which is where he was able to get away from those big kids.

It was very overwhelming, but he had breakfast, lunch, and dinner now, and he hadn't missed any school yet.

And on the third night, Frank snuck into his room.

"Frank!" Gerard whispered excitedly, jumping up in his bed. "How did you get here?"

"I took the bus." Frank smiled, sitting on Gerard's bed. "And then I snuck through the front door, no one is even down there."

"I'm so happy you're here." Gerard sighed, pulling him in for a hug. "I was starting to think you weren't going to come."

"I promised, didn't I?"

Gerard just smiled and nodded, but his smile fell when he realized how late it was getting.

"Frank... it's getting late, it's not safe to ride the buses alone, especially this late-"

"Can I spend the night?" Frank questioned softly, batting his thick eyelashes at Gerard. "My mom said it was okay."

"Really?" Gerard's eyes lit up, the thought of being able to hang out with Frank all night making him excited. "Yes, of course you can! We just can't tell anyone...okay?"

"Deal." Frank grinned, kicking off his shoes before joining Gerard in bed.

They talked for hours like they had in the park, and Gerard told him how much better everything was, except of course the teenagers.

Frank told Gerard to stay away from the teenagers, but he had already planned on that, they seemed mean, and he didn't want any part of them.

Eventually though they fell asleep, and when Gerard woke up for school the next morning, Frank was gone.

He had left a little note though, telling Gerard that he had to go to school, and that he'd come back soon.

There was a little heart at the end of the note, and it had Gerard's hearts doing weird things in his chest.

That weird feeling stayed as he got ready for school, and it only disappeared as he boarded the bus, noticing the only empty seat was next to a teenage boy in the back.

He tried to just stand, but the bus driver yelled at him then, scaring him into sitting down next to the boy.

He avoided eye contact with him, but he knew the boy was staring at him.

"W-What do you want?" Gerard finally stuttered out, the stare making him squirm in his seat.

"Are you a boy," the boy spoke, reaching out to tug on Gerard's long hair. "Or girl?"

"A boy!" Gerard exclaimed, whipping his head away so the boy couldn't touch his hair anymore.

"That's a shame." The boy muttered, dragging his finger along Gerard's jaw.

Gerard shivered and scooted as far away as he could from the boy, he had made Gerard extremely uncomfortable, and a bit upset that he thought he might be a girl.

Gerard was very clearly a boy, wasn't he?

Luckily the bus arrived at the school shortly after that, and Gerard was the first one off of it.

-

Gerard didn't sit next to that boy on the bus ride home, but once they were in the home, he noticed him more around the building.

He didn't hang out with the other teenagers, he was always alone watching them.

Gerard believed that the other teenagers didn't like him, which was rightfully so.

The boy was weird, and he smelled bad, and he had a staring problem.

He was also rude, the question he had asked Gerard earlier that day was completely out of line, and he probably asked things like that a lot, which is why he had no friends.

Gerard wanted to forget about him, so he went to his room, doing his homework in peace while he hoped Frank would show up soon.

Frank didn't though, so Gerard let out a disappointed sigh and climbed into his bed, ready to do nothing until he finally fell asleep.

-

Gerard grew frustrated as he hadn't seen Frank in days, and to make matters worse that boy was always trying to talk to him, and Gerard was forced to sit next to him several times on the bus.

The boy always asked Gerard the weirdest questions, and it always made him so uncomfortable.

He thought about telling one of the adults about it, but he didn't think there was anything they could do about it, they would probably just tell Gerard to be more friendly and make friends with him.

They had been nagging him about that since he got there, they wanted him to make friends, but the only friend he wanted was Frank.

Frank did finally show up again, but it was only after something horrible happened, something that left Gerard in tears.

He was asleep in his room, and it was very late, but his bedroom door crept open, and someone came inside.

He couldn't see them in the dark, but as they lifted Gerard's blanket and climbed into bed with him, the stench gave away who it was.

The boy.

"W-What are you doing-" Gerard gasped, his eyes widening as he felt something poking his body. "W-What's wrong with your-"

"My dick?" The boy finished, grinning as he pushed himself against Gerard. "It hurts... I need your help to fix it."

"M-Maybe you should call a doctor-"

"Just touch it."

"I- I don't want to." Gerard whimpered, attempting to scoot away from him, but being stopped by the wall.

"Come on, Gerard, is it? You're a nice kid, help me out."

Gerard whimpered and shook his head, but the boy didn't leave.

"I'm not leaving until you help me, it won't be that bad, you just have to move your hand."

"P-Promise?" Gerard stuttered out.

"I promise." The boy grinned, pulling his pajama pants down around his thighs.

Gerard refused to look, but allowed his hand to be pulled down there, his eyes squeezing shut as his hand came into contact with it.

"Touch it." The other growled, scaring Gerard into curling his fingers around it, whimpering quietly as the other breathed heavily into his ear. "That's it."

Tears started to fall from Gerard's eyes as the boy pushed against his hand, the quiet sounds the boy was making had Gerard feeling sick.

"Faster." He ordered, and Gerard complied nervously, moving his hand more quickly against the others movements. "That's it, good girl-"

"I-I'm not-"

"Shut up!" The other hissed, smacking Gerard upside the head. "You're a fucking girl when we do this-"

Gerard froze as memories of his fathers beating filled his mind, but the other didn't seem to notice as he moaned loudly, his hips moving quickly against Gerard's hand until he covered Gerard's side in a sticky white substance.

"Ew-" Gerard whimpered, trying to pull away, but once again failing.

"Good girl." The boy breathed out, patting Gerard's face weakly. "Bye."

"W-Wait-" Gerard stuttered out. "M-Mine hurts now too- are you gonna help me?"

"No, what the fuck?" The boy scoffed, climbing out of Gerard's bed. "That's gay."

He left then, leaving Gerard more than confused.

And that's when he heard a quiet knocking on his window... he almost missed it due to his crying, but he was so happy he didn't, because Frank was the one knocking.

Gerard let him in quickly, practically tackling him in a hug as he cried.

Frank questioned what was wrong of course, and Gerard spilled everything in between sobs.

Frank comforted him all night, Gerard was unable to fall asleep after that, so he just laid in Frank's arms as he cried until he couldn't anymore, grateful he had his friend there.

-

It happened every night after that; the boy would sneak into his room around midnight, Gerard would be forced to touch him until that stinky stuff came out, and then Frank would sneak in and hold him until he eventually fell asleep.

Gerard didn't tell anyone besides Frank, he didn't want to get in trouble, which he knew he would, because the boy threatened to tell on him about having Frank over.

Apparently he had heard Gerard talking to Frank at night, and said if Gerard said anything, he would tell about Frank, and then he'd never be able to see him again.

Gerard wouldn't risk that, Frank was the only happiness he had, he would do anything to keep him around.

Instead Gerard just hoped the boy would get bored, but unfortunately for him, instead of getting bored, the boy just thought of more and more things he could do with Gerard, and they got progressively worse as time went by.

He started to touch Gerard too, but not where there was evidence of Gerard being a guy; he would touch his ass, and pull his hair, but he never touched the front of Gerard, because he said that was gay, and he wasn't.

One night when it was taking longer than usual, he made Gerard use his mouth instead.

Gerard fought that, he fought it really hard, but the boy was much bigger than him, and was able to over power him very easily with his body.

Gerard couldn't do anything but cry as it happened, thankful that at least the tears blurred his vision of the monster above him.

The hand thing was fine, the hand thing Gerard could deal with.

It didn't hurt, it didn't taste bad, but this, this was horrible, and in a way Gerard blamed Frank.

Frank had told him things would get better, but this was not better, he would take his fathers beatings over some teenager shoving his private parts in his mouth any day.

He threw up after that first time, he threw up all over his carpet as the boy laughed at him, mumbling his goodbyes and promising to see him tomorrow night.

Gerard didn't sleep at all that night, and thanks to his pile of puke, the adults in the home let him stay home from school.

Frank skipped school that day as well, and sat by Gerard's side all day while he cried.

"He'll get what's coming to him... I promise." Frank had whispered, rubbing Gerard's back soothingly. "He'll hurt too..."

Frank was right, but it wasn't before the boy took something Gerard could never get back.

-

"Take off your pants, I want to try something new."

"I- I don't want to." Gerard mumbled, keeping a hold of the waist band on his pants. "You said that was gay anyways..."

"I'm not going to touch you, just fucking take them off and get on your stomach."

Gerard argued like he always did when the other wanted to try something new, and just like always, the other forcefully got his way.

He screamed when it happened, but the boy shoved his face into his pillow, muffling the screams so no one could hear it happen.

None of Gerard's fathers beatings had ever hurt this badly, the pain was so unbearable Gerard couldn't even cry.

Luckily for Gerard though, he also couldn't breathe with the way his face was shoved into his pillow, so he only had to endure a few minutes of that horrible pain before his body passed out.

-

He woke up to screaming, and when he opened his eyes, he noticed Frank sitting across the room from him.

"W-Why are people screaming?" Gerard stuttered out, physically unable to move. "What happened?"

"He got what he deserved." Frank spoke emotionless, his arms crossed. "He fell down the stairs."

"What?!" Gerard gasped, jumping up before his body screamed out in pain. "H-He fell down the stairs?"

"Yes, and if anyone asks, that's exactly what you tell them, okay?"

"F-Frankie, what did you do?"

"He hurt you, Gerard." Frank spoke then, walking over to Gerard's bed. "He made you bleed, look." He pointed to Gerard's bed then, which had a large puddle of dried blood on it.

"O-Oh god-" Gerard stuttered out, tears filling his eyes. "Frankie, don't look, I'm embarrassed-"

"Hey-" Frank cupped Gerard's face in his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes. "Don't be embarrassed, it wasn't your fault... and I'm not here to judge, I'm here to make you feel better..."

Gerard swallowed hard as he gazed up at Frank, his heart hammering in his chest when he noticed Frank glancing down at his lips.

"H-How are you going to do that?" Gerard stuttered out, pulling Frank's gaze back to his eyes.

"Can I kiss you, Gerard?"

Gerard felt faint with how fast his heart was beating, and he felt goosebumps rise onto his skin at the thought of kissing Frank.

"L-Like boyfriend and girlfriend would do?" He stuttered out, licking his lips as he watched Frank nod his head slowly. "O-Okay."

Frank bared that smile Gerard had grew to love so much, and then gently pressed his lips against the other, keeping them there until Gerard burst into a fit of giggles.

"Wow, Frankie." Gerard sighed, a blush on his cheeks. "That did make me feel better."

Frank just smiled and wiped away a few of Gerard's tears with his thumb, mumbling about how he had to go now, but that he'd be back that night, and he promised.

Gerard thought about that kiss for hours as he laid in his bed unable to move, it made the physical pain he was feeling go away, and it distracted him from the dark thoughts in his mind.

He was checked on a few times after the boy was loaded up into an ambulance, and then questioned if he saw what had happened, and Gerard of course told them the boy tripped and fell.

No one else saw anything, so that's what they were believing until the boy regained consciousness in the hospital.

He hadn't died, as much as Gerard wished he had, he didn't.

He was hurt very badly though, and probably wouldn't be back at the house for several weeks.

Gerard figured that was enough though, and hoped his injuries hurt him as badly as he hurt Gerard.

After a while Gerard managed to walk into the bathroom to shower, the feeling of dried blood and sweat had become too much for him, so he forced his weak legs into taking him there.

He couldn't stand for a shower, so he drew himself a bath, watching with teary eyes as the water slowly turned into a rusty color as he sat in it.

Washing himself was very hard, but he knew it had to be done, so he fought through the pain and silenced the tears as he rid himself of that boy.

He was so afraid of everything now, he was afraid to sit down, or to walk, or to do something he would be forced to eventually... go to the bathroom.

It hurt the most down there, and he was afraid of how much worse it would be after that.

"Gerard-" There was a knock on the door, it was one of the adults who ran the house. "Dinner is about to be served, hurry up in there."

"O-Okay, sorry." Gerard stuttered out. "I'll be out in a minute."

He swallowed hard as he finished cleaning up, and then pulled the plug from the drain, watching as the rust colored water swirled down the drain, to be gone forever.

It felt a little better watching the water disappear, but he still hurt inside; he tried to think of Frank, because he knew if he could make it until tonight he'd get to see him, and he made him feel better.

Walking downstairs was really hard, to say the least, and it didn't help how all the other kids were pushing past him.

"Why are you walking like you've got a stick up your butt?" One girl laughed as she passed him in the dining room, which made Gerard panic.

He didn't think it was that obvious he was in pain, but apparently it was very noticeable to the other kids.

The adults didn't notice at all, and if they did, they didn't ask about it.

Gerard ate very little at the table, hoping that if he didn't eat much he wouldn't have to go to the bathroom, and therefore saving himself from the pain he figured would come.

The pain had to get better, his body had to heal, so he figured if he held off for a few days everything would go back to normal.

"Joseph will be in the hospital for several weeks." One of the adults spoke, knowing all the kids were curious about it. "Unfortunately during his fall he broke his back, paralyzing his lower half completely."

Gerard's interested peaked at that, if Joseph, as he knew him by now, couldn't use his lower half, that meant he couldn't hurt Gerard like that again.

He smiled to himself at that realization, luckily going unnoticed by anyone considering all the children were spewing questions left and right.

It was a sick smile, but it was fitting, Joseph deserved all that and more.

-

Frank was always so late getting to the home, but he said it was because he had to wait for his mother to fall asleep before he could sneak away.

Tonight was no different, and as Gerard lie there and wait for him, his mind started to wander.

It was weird not having the boy sneak into his room, but it gave him time to really think about the things they had done.

He didn't like it, but Joseph really seemed to, and Gerard began to wonder if those acts he performed on Joseph would feel good on himself.

Joseph loved being touched down there, and Gerard wondered if he would like it too.

And since he couldn't sleep, and Frank wasn't here yet, he wanted to test his theory.

Gerard shivered as he felt his hand against his crotch, the feeling so foreign, yet welcoming.

It scared Gerard as his body started to get hard, but he noticed the harder it got, the better his touch felt.

"W-Wow..." Gerard breathed out, his hand slipping down his pants.

He started to understand why Joseph had made him do those things, it really did feel good, and the more he did it, the better it felt.

He also became more angry at him though, it was a very simple act, touching yourself, but Joseph had refused to do it to Gerard, and after learning how good it truly felt, Gerard was angry about it.

Joseph was selfish, Gerard didn't want to do those things to him, but he did, and he thought he deserved a little in return.

As he thought about it though, he didn't want Josephs dirty hands on him, he wanted someone else's.

"F-Frank-" Gerard stuttered out, his eyes widening as he realized what he had just said.

"Yes?" Frank suddenly popped his head through the wind, succeeding in scaring the hell out of Gerard. "What are you doing?"

"Frank!" Gerard shrieked quietly, pulling his legs up to his chest under the blankets. "Can't you knock?!"

Frank just grinned and climbed through the window.

"I was going to, but then I heard you say my name."

"O-Oh god." Gerard stuttered out, his face bright red. "I can't believe you heard that..."

"I know what you were doing." Frank smiled, resulting in a look of horror to cover Gerard's face. "It's okay." Frank giggled. "You're curious, everyone get's curious."

"B-But I said your name." Gerard mumbled, his ashamed gaze low.

"I say your name too." Frank whispered, shocking Gerard into looking up at him. "I'm curious too..."

Gerard swallowed hard as he looked at Frank, he thought he was the only one curious about these things, and learning that he wasn't, had him relaxing a lot.

"I've been curious about you for a long time..." Frank whispered again, this time moving closer to Gerard. "And you're curious about me?"

"Y-Yeah." Gerard mumbled, watching as Frank got closer to him; he didn't feel scared like he did when Joseph got close, in fact, he wanted Frank to get closer. "T-The things I did... I wonder what it would be like if you did them... but I would never make you do them, Frankie, never."

"What if I wanted to?"

"No, Frankie, you don't." Gerard shook his head violently, the thought of hurting Frank like that making his stomach twist violently. "It's horrible, and sometimes it hurts-"

"It doesn't have to be."

Frank pulled the blankets over himself too then, and Gerard slowly relaxed his legs against the bed, not hiding himself anymore.

"If you want to do it...which I do... it'll be fun."

"W-What do you wanna do, Frankie?" Gerard swallowed hard as he felt Frank's hand touch his skin, making his stomach twist in a different way.

"You deserve to feel good, too."

That was the last thing he said before his hand trailed over Gerard's crotch, causing the other to gasp.

"P-Please- if you want to-"

Frank smiled and pulled Gerard on top of him under the covers, wanting Gerard to be on top so he felt a sense of control he's never had before.

"Oh, Frankie-" Gerard breathed out as Frank's hand slipped into his pajamas.

Frank's hand felt a million more times better than his own did, and during those moment while Frank was touching him, it felt like nothing else in the world mattered, like nothing bad had ever happened to him.

"Frankie-" He cried out softly as Frank sped up his movements, making Gerard's body feel like jelly as he tried to keep himself over Frank. "Oh god-"

Nothing in his entire life felt so good, and as the seconds ticked by the pleasure only grew to what he thought would make him pass out.

He didn't pass out though, his body just stilled, and suddenly that white stuff was coming out of him as well.

He collapsed on Frank then, who wrapped his arms around Gerard's trembling body.

"T-Thank you, Frankie." Gerard sniffled, tears filling his eyes. "Feels so good being on the other end of that."

"You're welcome, Gerard." Frank rubbed Gerard's back slowly, knowing it still hurt. "Can you get some sleep now?"

"I think so." Gerard nodded weakly against Frank's chest, suddenly feeling extremely tired. "Are you staying the night again?"

"Of course." Frank assured, shifting their position a bit so they were more comfortable. "Goodnight, Gerard."

Chapter Text

Eventually Gerard couldn't hold off on going to the bathroom; only he was met with another problem when he finally did try to go.

He couldn't.

He knew he had to, but it wasn't happening, he sat on the toilet for over a half hour with tears streaming down his face as he tried, but nothing ever happened.

He was in even more pain after that, not only had trying to go to the bathroom opened up the wounds, but now his stomach hurt as well.

That scared him, it scared him so badly he stopped eating.

It was about a week until someone noticed, and it was only when he almost fainted in the hallway.

An adult asked him if he was feeling well, and that's when he confessed he stopped eating because his stomach hurt too badly.

When they realized he was constipated, they gave him some medicine for it, assuring him that it would help him go to the bathroom, and that if it happened again, he needed to tell them right away.

The reassurance of the adults made Gerard feel better at first, but after the medicine finally kicked in things got bad again.

His stomach was cramping more than it had been, and when he was seated on the toilet it almost felt like he was being cut on the inside.

He was forced to muffle his mouth with a hand towel, his throat releasing hoarse cries as his body was finally able to release that waste.

It hurt almost as badly as the first night, maybe even worse, and Gerard had to stay in there for several more minutes simply to get his body to stop shaking.

He was afraid to move, like any movement would set him on fire; he didn't want to clean up either, and by the feel of it, he was probably bleeding again.

Unfortunately he did live in a house full of other children, and eventually someone did bang on the door yelling at him to hurry up.

He was forced to finish then, and he tried not to scream in horror when it was confirmed he was bleeding.

He was bleeding so badly he ended up putting a bit of toilet paper in his underwear, he didn't want to have to try and explain the bloodstains like he had on his bed.

No one noticed, or no one cared that Gerard limped out of the bathroom with tears streaming down his face, and no one noticed he stayed in his room for the rest of the day either.

-

When Joseph returned to the home, he was in a wheelchair, and everyone was forced to help care for him, including Gerard.

Joseph accused Gerard of pushing him down the stairs, insisting he saw him do it, and cursing him for ruining his life.

The fall had completely ruined his lower half, and Gerard felt a sense of sick pleasure knowing that Joseph would never feel the sensation of being touched again.

"You deserved everything." Gerard mumbled, handing him the food he was instructed to. "You deserve worse."

"It wasn't that fucking bad."

"Yes it was!" Gerard snapped, almost spilling Josephs soup in the process. "I bled! And I- I couldn't go to the bathroom..."

"That's fucking disgusting, I don't need to know about that."

Gerard couldn't stay in there anymore, he didn't care if he'd get in trouble for leaving, and he rushed off to his room anyways.

Luckily for Gerard, Frank was there when he returned, already knowing Gerard would need a hug.

"I hate him!" Gerard sobbed as he clutched onto Frank. "I wish he would die!"

"Wouldn't you rather him suffer forever?" Frank mumbled, rubbing Gerard's back soothingly. "Forced to live knowing he can never do those things again? Let alone pee by himself?"

"I don't know." Gerard sniffled, that thought was pretty pleasing. "I- I just wish it never happened."

He got into his bed then, and Frank followed, holding Gerard close as he continued to cry.

"It's okay, Gerard, only a few more years and you'll be out of here... we can be together all the time, just you and me." Frank mumbled, kissing the top of Gerard's head. "I'll keep you safe, I promise."

"F-Frankie?" Gerard sniffled as he lifted his head. "R-Remember when you... kissed me?"

Frank smiled and nodded, hoping Gerard was getting at what he thought he was.

"Can you do it again?"

Frank was leaning in before Gerard could even finish his sentence, and Gerard relaxed the second their lips met.

"T-Thanks." Gerard blushed, his teary eyes staring into Frank's.

"We can do that whenever you want." Frank grinned, leaning in to kiss Gerard's nose, which resulted in the other bursting into a fit of giggles.

No one checked on Gerard for the rest of the night, so Frank stayed in there with him, lying in the bed with him while they chatted for hours, like they usually did.

-

Gerard used to love school, he really did, but as he got older the work got harder, and the kids got meaner.

Joseph wasn't really a bother anymore, they had enough kids in the house at that point to take care of him without Gerard's help, but he still saw him around school.

He always felt sick whenever he saw him, after the accident everyone pitied him and wanted to be his friend, and Gerard just wished they all knew the horrible things he had done.

Despite all that though, Frank started sneaking to the school during Gerard's lunch period so he wouldn't have to eat lunch alone anymore.

Apparently Frank's school wasn't too far from Gerard's, so he would ditch out and come see his friend.

Eventually Gerard would start skipping his own classes to hang out with Frank outside, and then deny he missed any classes when the adults at his home questioned him on it.

The school was really bad at reporting absents though, so they never really questioned him further about it.

He loved hanging out with Frank outside of his room though, it was worth the weird looks they got while they walked around during school hours.

Frank taught him something cool as well, he taught him how to get more candy from the store when you only had enough money for one.

It was one day when Gerard asked if they could go to the store, he had earned a bit of money back at the home, and wanted to buy a candy bar.

But as he stood in the store with Frank at his side, he couldn't figure out which candy bar he wanted.

"I only have enough for one... but I'm really hungry, and that peanut butter cup looks really good." Gerard had whined, double checking his money to see if maybe he had enough.

"Get both."

"I don't have enough for both, genius." Gerard rolled his eyes, pocketing his money again. "I'll just stick with the peanut butter cup."

"Just put the other one in your pocket." Frank whispered, grabbing it and holding it out for Gerard to take. "No one will even know."

"B-But that's stealing." Gerard mumbled.

"No, you're hungry, you need to eat... they won't care."

Gerard was quiet for a while, his bottom lip between his teeth as he contemplated what to do.

His mother had told him stealing was wrong, but Frankie said it wasn't stealing because he was hungry, and he trusted Frankie.

"Okay." Gerard mumbled, glancing around before hiding the candy in his pocket. "Just this once."

Frank grinned and slid his own candy in his pocket, and then walked casually with Gerard to the counter to pay for his other treat.

The man didn't look at them twice, and if he would've, he would have seen the guilty look all over Gerard's face.

The man ignored Frank's thank you, and Gerard stumbled out of the store behind him, trying to look as casual as possible, and failing miserably.

"Jeez, could you be more obvious?" Frank shoved Gerard playfully, taking out his candy bar and taking a bite. "Your face is red as a tomato."

"I feel bad." Gerard mumbled, sitting down at a park bench across the street. "I could live without this candy bar..."

"Gee, just enjoy the candy bar, it's not like we took money or anything."

"That's true." Gerard bit his lip, slowly opening his candy bar. "I guess you're right."

"I'm always right."

-

That didn't end up being a one time thing, and Gerard found himself hiding more candy and food down his pants at least once a week.

It was just so easy, and he always missed lunch at school from being with Frank, so he figured it was okay because he needed to eat.

Frank would giggle and kiss his cheek each time they got away with it, and honestly that feeling alone fueled Gerard's actions greatly.

Gerard also started getting away at little revenges on Joseph, sometimes when he'd be forced to help feed him, he'd 'accidentally' trip and spill hot soup all over his face.

It was little things here and there, but they made Gerard feel better.

Frank was usually the mastermind who came up with the little things Gerard could do, seeing as Gerard wasn't very creative in that aspect.

"Are we going to be best friends forever, Frankie?" Gerard mumbled one night as they lie together in Gerard's small bed, hand in hand.

"I'm gonna marry you someday, Gerard."

"Yeah?" Gerard smiled, turning on his side to face Frank. "You wanna marry me, Frankie?"

"I do, and I will." Frank nodded, reaching his hand up to pull Gerard down into a soft kiss, something they did relatively often. "Promise."

Gerard giggled and rested his head on Frank's chest, mumbling 'okay'.

-

"Wake up!" Frank urged, bouncing on Gerard's lap impatiently. "Gerard, wake up!"

"Frankie-" Gerard groaned, patting at his chest in an attempt to calm him down. "I wanna sleep."

"But it's your birthday!" Frank exclaimed, leaning down to kiss Gerard's dry lips. "Wake up birthday boy!"

"It's my birthday?" Gerard mumbled, slowly opening his eyes to gaze up at Frank, before realization hit. "It's my birthday!" Gerard jumped out of bed then, tossing Frank to the side as he giggled quietly. "I love my birthday! Mom always makes me these really good pancakes, with-"

He paused when he noticed Frank's face fall, and reality set in.

"S-She's still not here, is she?" Gerard mumbled sadly, his gaze on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Gerard..."

"The day is early." Gerard decided, nodding to himself. "There's lots of time for her to come, she never misses my birthday, even when she was sick that one year, she still made me those pancakes."

"Gerard-"

"She'll be here!"

Frank didn't want to ruin Gerard's birthday, so instead of being the bearer of reality, he instead distracted Gerard by asking if he wanted to open his presents.

"You got me a present?!" Gerard gasped, jumping back into bed with Frank. "Give me, give me!"

Frank giggled and pulled out a small package, and watched with a smile as Gerard tore it open, revealing a sketchbook and color pencils.

"Oh, Frankie." Gerard sighed dreamily, gently putting the items to his side so he could hug Frank. "I love them."

"Good." Frank grinned, kissing Gerard's cheek. "I expect a drawing now though."

"Of course!" Gerard beamed, instantly grabbing the items again. "I'll start right now!"

-

No one realized it was Gerard's birthday, not even the adults who took care of him.

He didn't mind that too much, he just hoped his mother didn't forget too.

He would mind very much if she forgot.

He didn't skip school that day, he thought maybe his mother wanted to surprise him at school with balloons or something, and he didn't want to risk missing her if she did.

But as the day slowly ticked by, and there was no show of his mother, Gerard started to get sad.

Maybe she really did forget like everyone else had, or maybe she just didn't care about him anymore.

Before his last class he rushed into the bathroom instead of the classroom, the overwhelming urge to cry finally took over.

He sobbed on that bathroom floor for the whole hour, ignoring the boys who came in and snickered at him, or even the few who kicked at his curled up body.

He didn't care, all he cared about was his mother, and she wasn't there.

-

"Please smile." Frank whispered, holding out Gerard's birthday cupcake. "I made you a cupcake..."

"Do you think she doesn't love me anymore?" Gerard mumbled, not even acknowledging the cupcake. "You think maybe she's mad I got dad arrested? Maybe she came home and they told her what happened, and she hates me?"

"She doesn't hate you..." Frank spoke quietly, putting the cupcake down. "Gerard, I have something to tell you."

Gerard looked up at Frank then, desperately hoping Frank would tell him that his mother was coming, and that everything would be wonderful again.

"Your mom... she has a new family, Gerard..." Gerard frowned as he stared at him, not believing a word he said. "T-That's why everyone keeps telling you she passed away... so you don't get your hopes up of her coming back."

Gerard's heart broke even more at that realization, that all made sense to him.

She must of found a better man while she was on business, she must of found someone who treated her better than his father did.

"Oh." Gerard swallowed hard, turning his gaze away from Frank.

He didn't say anything else after that, he physically couldn't, it was like he swallowed a jaw breaker.

"I'm so sorry, Gerard..."

"It's fine." Gerard waved him off, quickly wiping away the tears that fell as he spoke. "I don't care."

"Gerard-"

"Why should I care about someone who doesn't love me anymore?!" Gerard snapped then, the angry tears falling from his eyes. "Why should I care about someone who couldn't even say goodbye?"

Frank knew no words would make Gerard feel better, so he just scooted closer to him, wrapping him up in his arms as Gerard screamed and cried against his chest.

"I hate her!" Gerard sobbed, clutching onto Frank's side. "I hate her so much!"

"Let it out." Frank whispered, rubbing Gerard's back. "Let it all out..."

"How could she do this to me!?" He cried. "How could she leave her 'little pumpkin' in this place? Where people hurt me, and made me cry, a-and-" His sentence ended with a sob, the pain in his heart stealing the words from his throat.

"I love you, Gee..." Frank whispered, kissing the side of Gerard's face. "I'll never leave you."

"P-Promise?" Gerard choked out, lifting his head to gaze at Frank. "Pinky promise?"

Frank answered with a kiss, keeping their lips together as he gently moved them down on Gerard's bed so they could cuddle properly.

"I love you, Frankie." He whimpered loudly, snuggling his face into the crook of Frank's neck. "I love you so much."

"And I love you, don't ever forget that."

"I won't." Gerard shook his head violently then, pulling away so Frank could see the honesty in his eyes. "I won't ever-"

Then he kissed him, he kissed him desperately as his body gently moved on top of Frank's, shocking the other as Gerard gently pushed his tongue inside Frank's mouth.

They had never kissed that way before, and it shocked Frank into wrapping his arms around Gerard, his body pressing forward against the weight on top of him.

"W-What are you doing?" Frank stuttered out when the kiss eventually broke, staring up at Gerard with concern.

"I don't want this to be a bad birthday." Gerard whimpered, his dark locks falling all over his face. "I want something good to happen-"

"Like what?" Frank swallowed hard, his hands moving to hold Gerard's sides.

"L-Like what people do when they love each other..."

"Gee-"

"Please?" Gerard begged. "Y-You can even do it, I want you to do it-"

Frank caved a lot faster than Gerard expected him to, and Gerard quickly found some lotion after Frank requested some.

Gerard didn't understand the use of the lotion, but he didn't really understand that sex could feel good for him too, if they took the precautions.

Going into this Gerard thought it would hurt as bad as last time, but he didn't care because he loved Frank, and he wanted to make Frank feel good, if Frank felt good, then so would Gerard.

Gerard would do anything for Frank, and if that meant bleeding all over himself again, then so be it.

"W-What's the lotion for?" Gerard finally asked as Frank kicked off his pants.

"It will make it hurt less." Frank started to explain, his hand slowly circling around himself as he pumped himself.

"Y-You're gonna make it hurt less?" Gerard stuttered out then, clearly shocked that was possible. "Really, Frankie?"

"I'm gonna make it feel good."

"Really?" Gerard's toes curled at the thought, Frank had made him feel good with his hand, so he trusted him completely when he said this would feel good. "Frankie, I can't wait-"

"Me either, Gee, me either." Frank swallowed hard as he covered himself with more lotion, biting his lip as Gerard slowly crawled into his lap. "You make the pace... go slow, okay?"

"Anything you want." Gerard nodded, shifting his body to pull off his pants. "I- I want you to feel good, too."

"I will." Frank swallowed hard, grabbing onto Gerard's hips. "J-Just slowly sit on it-"

Gerard nodded nervously and slowly pushed down, his hands clutching onto Frank's shoulders as he felt that pain again.

"Hurts-" Gerard choked out, his eyes squeezed shut. "Frankie- ow-"

"No, it doesn't." Frank whispered, rubbing at Gerard's thighs. "It doesn't hurt, Gee."

Gerard forced his eyes open then, looking into Frank's eyes, and realizing his words were like magic, because then it didn't hurt anymore.

"Y-You're right." Gerard stuttered out, pushing down a bit more. "D-Doesn't hurt."

"Good." Frank grinned, pulling Gerard down the rest of the way. "Oh god-"

"Frankie-" Gerard gasped, his body trembling on top of the other. "W-Wow-"

"Jesus, Gee-" Frank groaned quietly. "Move-"

Gerard did as Frank said, his breathing shaky as he slowly glided up and down, and every time he thought it hurt, he pushed that thought far away, leaving only pleasure.

"Frankie- Frankie-" Gerard started to chant quietly as his motions sped up, his body shaking.

Gerard gasped suddenly, feeling a jolt of pleasure so strong it froze his motions.

"A-Ah-" Gerard choked out, hiding his face against Frank's neck. "N-Nothing has ever felt so good-"

"Just wait." Frank muttered, wrapping his arms around Gerard, tossing him onto his back before pushing back in. "Ugh-"

Gerard's eyes widened as he looked up at Frank, it was like the other had read his mind; he was secretly hoping Frank would take charge, and then he did.

He felt that jolt of pleasure every single time Frank moved after that, and he clutched onto Frank's upper body tightly, muffling the sounds he couldn't control against Frank's neck.

It ended with them both gasping, Gerard's fingernails in Frank's back, and Frank's lips on Gerard's neck.

Frank collapsed next to Gerard then, and Gerard nervously sat up, glancing between his legs to see if there was any blood.

There wasn't.

"T-Thank you, Frankie." Gerard mumbled, grabbing his pants. "Where um.. where did you learn how to do that?"

"I watch porn." Frank shrugged, causing Gerard to giggle quietly.

"Oh..." He blushed. "W-Well you're really good at it..."

"Good enough to fix your birthday?" He mumbled, turning to face Gerard.

"I think so." Gerard nodded shyly. "I don't think anything has ever felt so good... I just wish it had felt good with you know who."

Frank looked up at Gerard sadly then, reaching his hand up to cup his face.

"Don't think about him anymore, Gerard." Frank whispered.

"How can I do that when he lives here?"

It was silent then, but the look in Frank's eyes made Gerard nervous.

"I'll deal with it."

-

Gerard startled awake to the sound of sirens, and as he awoke more he heard panic coming from downstairs.

He rushed out of his room, making it to the staircase just in time to see people in uniforms pushing a stretcher out of the house.

Joseph was on that stretcher.

Gerard couldn't help but smile as he watched them disappear behind the door, something was wrong with Joseph, and that brought him joy.

When Gerard returned to his room, he saw Frank sitting on the windowsill.

"Frankie..." Gerard whispered. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything." Frank grinned, jumping off the window into the room. "What makes you think I did?"

Gerard just kissed him, giggling quietly as Frank wrapped his arms around him.

"Thank you, Frankie."

-

Several hours later every child in the house was called downstairs for a meeting, and Gerard sat nervously in the back.

"We have some very sad news to share with you all." One adult announced. "Unfortunately, last night Joseph took his life."

Gerard's eyes widened at that news, he was dead?

"If any of you need to talk-" Gerard tuned her out then, his heart pounding so loudly in his chest it was all he could hear.

Joseph was gone, he wasn't coming back, Gerard didn't have to see him ever again.

No one really cried at this news, Joseph was a mean person, more people were probably relieved that he was gone.

When the children were allowed to leave, Gerard tried to be the first one out, but as he walked through the door, an adult grabbed his arm.

"Can we talk, Gerard?"

"Okay."

She pulled him into an empty room then, and sat them on a couch.

"I know you've dealt with loss before..." She started, and Gerard just frowned, looking at her like he didn't know what she was talking about. "And I know you spent a bit of time with Joseph, and I know you must be hurting."

Gerard tried not to scoff at that, and managed to cover it up as he failed a bit.

"I just want you to know that if there's anything you need, I'm here for you."

"Okay." Gerard mumbled. "Thank you...um, for closure reasons, what happened to Joseph?"

"Oh, poor Joseph." She sighed quietly. "Don't tell any of the other kids, but he was struggling really hard adjusting to being handicapped, and last night he took his whole bottle of medication."

"Oh, god." Gerard muttered to himself. "You're right, poor Joseph."

She nodded sadly then, and Gerard decided it was time to go back to his room, so he politely said thank you once more, before rushing up the stairs.

Frank wasn't in there when he returned, but he didn't mind.

He just relaxed on his bed, smiling to himself when he realized he never had to be scared again.

Frank was going to protect him forever.

Chapter Text

No one adopted Gerard.

Families came and gone, but no one ever even looked at him.

He didn't mind, he had Frank, and that's all he really needed.

The years did drag on slowly though, and when he turned sixteen, he was forced to get a job.

He didn't see the point in that, he didn't need money, he was a very skilled thief by that point, so money was useless to him.

He didn't have a choice in the matter though, so he spent his afternoons after school in an old book shop, watching the clock as his life ticked by.

Frank visited of course, but Gerard's boss always sent him angry glances when he would talk to Frank, even though there was nothing he needed to be doing in that moment.

It didn't matter much though, Frank would always walk him to work, and walk him back home after, so it wasn't like working was interrupting too much of their time together.

Sometimes, when Gerard would get off work early, they'd hide out at the park for a while, making out on the bench while people glared at them.

They still fooled around at the children's home, but they had to wait until late at night to be able to do that, especially after a close call with one of the adults.

Gerard never wanted to wait though, especially as he aged, his hormones went crazy and honestly he never wanted Frank not on top of him.

Frank was the one to talk some sense into him whenever Gerard tried to initiate anything during the day, and that's what led to them sneaking off to the park.

Somehow, they had managed to keep Frank a secret from the adults at the home, and before Gerard could really blink, it was his 18th birthday, and he was being kicked out.

That's a harsh term to use, because they did help him find an apartment, and help him find a higher paying job beforehand so he could handle the bills.

He hated that job even more than the bookstore, it was an office job, and the boss was mean and intimidating.

Gerard fucked up a lot at his new job, but it wasn't intentional, he just struggled with the duties in an office.

"He's going to fire me." Gerard whispered one night to Frank, who of course was living with him in the apartment. "And then we're going to be fucked."

"You can't let him fire you, Gerard, you need this job." Frank urged, staring into Gerard's eyes so he'd see the urgency. "You need to do whatever you have to in order to keep this job, understand me?"

"W-What am I suppose to do, Frankie?" Gerard whimpered, gazing into his lap shamefully. "I can't even make his coffee without fucking up, how am I suppose to convince him not to fire me?"

"You'll figure it out, baby." Frank assured, his hand on Gerard's thigh reassuringly. "You'll keep this job, and everything will be okay, I promise."

Gerard swallowed hard and looked up at Frank, covering the others hand with his own as he leaned in for a kiss.

-

The next day at work Gerard was trying his very best not to mess anything up, and he somehow managed to make the coffee the way his boss liked.

He didn't have much of a purpose at the office, he basically made coffee and filed papers, nothing too hard, even though it proved to be for Gerard.

His boss seemed to be in a good mood though, that is until lunch time came around.

Gerard was sitting at the front desk when a woman came in, she was dressed very nicely, and was extremely attractive.

"M-May I help you?" Gerard spoke as she approached him, her beauty intimidating him.

"Yes, I'm Mrs. Jones, could you let my husband know I'm here?" She was very polite, which had Gerard relaxing a bit, and she smiled at him as he nodded his head. "Thank you."

Gerard grabbed his phone and hit his boss's extension number.

"Sir, your wife is here." Gerard spoke as his boss answered, listening for his response. "Yes, Sir." Gerard hung up the phone and looked to the woman. "He said you could go back to his office, I'll show you to it."

Gerard swallowed hard as he stood up, nervously gesturing for Mrs. Jones to follow him as he headed towards his boss's office.

It was in the back, far away from everyone else's so he had his privacy to get his work done.

When they reached the office Gerard knocked on the door, and when he heard his boss say 'come in' he opened the door for Mrs. Jones.

They exchanged a smile as a goodbye, and Gerard closed the door after her.

Interacting with anyone was always draining to him, so he stood there for a moment to calm down before he returned to his desk, if someone else showed up while he was like this he would make even a bigger fool out of himself.

However, just as he was about to return to the front desk, he heard raised voices, and being the curious shit that he was, he stayed still, listening in on their conversation.

Both people were yelling at this point, but Gerard couldn't make out what they were saying.

He could feel the tension though, it was so bad he forced himself to leave, it was making him too uncomfortable.

Once at his desk, he couldn't hear them anymore which he was extremely grateful for.

They were in there for the entire lunch hour, and when that hour was finally over, Gerard watched as the two emerged near the front doors.

The wife looked fed up, and his boss just looked helpless and exhausted.

"I'm working late tonight, don't wait up." She spoke as they reached the door, completely ignoring Gerard's presence.

"That's the fourth time this week." Mr. Jones pointed out.

"I can't help being busy, now I've got to go, goodbye."

He let out a sigh and leaned in to kiss her goodbye, but she just turned around and left, leaving him hanging there.

"Love you." He muttered quietly to himself; he noticed Gerard staring then, and Gerard quickly looked away, pretending to be busy on his computer.

His boss didn't say a word, he just turned around and returned to his office silently.

Gerard felt bad as he sat there alone, yeah his boss was an asshole, but he didn't deserve the pain Gerard could see he was feeling.

But then Frank's words rang through his mind about how he needed to do whatever it took to keep his job, and wondered if he could use this to his advantage.

He didn't know exactly how to do that, but unfortunately for him he didn't have much time to think about it because his boss was calling him into his office.

Gerard had a feeling this would be the meeting where he was fired, and panic filled his every pore as he slowly made his way back to the office.

When he entered the office his boss gestured for him to sit down, which he nervously did as he watched the other type away on his computer.

"You're a week behind in filing." Mr. Jones stated simply, not even looking at Gerard. "And the filing you have done, is in the incorrect place."

"I-I'm working on it, Sir, I assure you-"

"I do not have time for an employee who files our papers incorrectly, I've already got enough on my plate and I cannot afford to do your job as well."

"L-Like your wife?" Gerard spoke before he could even blink, realizing this was either a horrible, horrible idea, or possibly the thing that would prevent him from losing his job.

"My wife." Mr. Jones laughed weakly, shaking his head as he relaxed back in his chair. "The woman I support financially, emotionally- the woman who is cheating on me."

Gerard's eyes widened at his boss's reaction, he was expecting some angry yelling about how he needed to mind his own business, maybe even being fired instantly, but it seemed Mr. Jones was feeling the need to rant about what was on his mind.

"I'm so sorry..." Gerard whispered, unsure of what else to say. "I-"

"After everything I do for her-" His boss continued to rant, leaving Gerard sitting there nervous eyed as he listened intently. "She acts like I don't know, but I know- she comes home with faint marks on her neck, faint marks that I know I didn't leave... and you know how I know it wasn't me?"

Gerard swallowed hard and shook his head slowly.

"Because we haven't had sex in two months."

Gerard felt a blush rise to his cheeks at the mention of sex, and bit his lip nervously, having absolutely no idea how to respond to that.

"T-That's horrible." He eventually mumbled, his gaze lowering to his lap. "You don't deserve that at all..."

"Thank you." His boss sighed dramatically, throwing his hands up. "Like, I paid for her car, and our home, and everything- the least she could do is touch my dick every once in a while."

Gerard's blush deepened as time ticked by, and the nervousness in his gut grew as he realized something.

Mr. Jones was clearly distressed about his lack of sex life, and Gerard began to wonder if Mr. Jones would allow him to keep his job if he were to offer himself.

"I agree." Gerard bit his lip nervously, glancing over to the door, to see the side windows blinds were up. "You deserve at least that." He mumbled, slowly getting up from his chair and going to close the blinds. "You deserve more..." he paused at the door, his back still to his boss.

"Gerard, what are you doing?" His boss inquired, the interest clear in his voice.

Gerard took a deep breath before turning back around, what he was about to do could end really badly, but if he didn't at least try then he was going to lose his job, and Frank and him would be homeless.

"Y-You deserve to be satisfied." Gerard spoke softly, slowly walking back to the desk, only this time on his boss's side. "Sir... I may not be good at filing... but perhaps I could help you in other ways..."

Mr. Jones eyes widened as he realized what Gerard was proposing, but didn't respond, making Gerard feel obligated to speak again.

"You're a very attractive man..." Gerard whispered, slowly leaning closer to him. "I want to make you feel good..."

His boss still didn't respond, he just leaned back in his chair, looking like he was having an internal battle.

Gerard continued advancing then, leaning forward until his hand was on Mr. Jones thigh, slowly gliding up once there was no objection, eventually palming his growing hard on.

"Y-You're so big..." Gerard tried to whisper seductively, his hand slowly gliding up and down his clothed length.

"Fuck it-" His boss muttered, his hands clutching onto the arm rests of his chair, his head falling back. "Blow me."

Deep down Gerard was really hoping his boss would reject him, but he hadn't, so Gerard had to force back tears as he slowly and nervously undid the others pants.

He didn't even do this to Frank, it always brought back those horrible memories from when he was a kid, and it always ended with tears.

Frank had told him to do whatever it took to keep this job though, and he knew Frank would be proud of him for pushing through and accomplishing it.

"Fuck." Mr. Jones groaned out as Gerard pulled his cock out, pumping it slowly as he tried to think of literally anything else.

He got hard extremely fast, and since Gerard wanted it to be over as soon as possible, he quickly leaned in, taking the tip in his mouth as the other shuddered violently.

Oh god, he hated it, he hated the way it felt, the way it tasted, he hated the sounds Mr. Jones made as he sank down further.

It got worse as Mr. Jones took control, his hand tangling in Gerard's hair as he held his head in place, thrusting his hips up and forcing himself down the back of Gerard's throat as he gagged.

Gerard let the tears fall then, his body instead focusing on trying to breathe, seeing as the constant abuse against his gag reflex was making that practically impossible.

"Fuck, so much better than her anyways-" He gritted out, forcing Gerard's head down with every thrust. "Already so fucking close- you're going to swallow it all-"

Gerard braced himself for that, he knew it didn't taste good, and he knew he was going to struggle with it.

Gerard didn't have much choice though, because when he finally did come, he held Gerard's head down, keeping him there for a few moments even after he had swallowed, desperate to get everything he could from Gerard.

When he finally released Gerard's head, the other collapsed onto all fours, coughing and sputtering as he tried to catch his breath.

"Get out of my office." Mr. Jones sighed then, tucking himself away.

Gerard stumbled out of the office then, trying not to make it obvious as he was gagging, and the second the door closed behind him he rushed into the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach in the toilet.

Then he just sat on the floor and cried, horrible flashbacks of his young teenage years plaguing his mind.

Everything was similar to before, the roughness, the unappealing taste, the sounds, everything and he hated it.

He knew he had to get back to work though, so he sniffled quietly to himself and stood to his feet, cleaning himself up before slowly making his way back to his desk; which of course, was covered in new papers that needed to be filed.

He wanted to cry at that too, but managed to control himself as he sat down, trying his best to file the papers correctly this time.

-

It happened again before Gerard left for the day, it was only a few hours later when his boss called him into the office.

It was easier the second time, but what wasn't easy was to hear the comments his boss ended up making.

'You've got a nice ass, Gerard, nice and plump...could easily pretend you're a woman."

That made Gerard's head hurt, it made it hurt so badly he had to shut his eyes, which of course made everything worse, because then all he saw was the boy on the school bus, asking if he was a girl or boy.

"P-Please don't say that." Gerard had stuttered out, his eyes still closed. "I'm a man."

Surprisingly enough, his boss apologized, and that calmed Gerard down enough to open his eyes again.

And then even more surprisingly, his boss said he could go home early, which made Gerard feel even better.

The sooner he got home to Frank, the better.

So with a quick thank you, Gerard collected his things and left to catch the train home.

-

"It was horrible." Gerard shuddered, leaning against Frank as the other held him on the couch. "It's so gross, Frankie, so gross."

"Shh, it's okay." Frank soothed, rubbing Gerard's sides. "You did what you had to do, and I'm so proud of you."

That made Gerard smile, he always loved Frank's praise, it made everything feel worth it.

"You're still mine though." Frank whispered then, his voice suddenly very dark. "You know that, right?"

Gerard shivered violently at that, which only caused Frank to hold him even closer, increasing his heart rate as he anticipated what was sure to follow.

"Maybe you should remind me..."

Gerard let out an adorable giggle as Frank pinned him down on the couch, his body quickly going limp as Frank began kissing him desperately.

Everything about Frank made Gerard go weak, so when Frank took control and ground down against him, all he could do is groan quietly and wait for Frank to tell him what to do.

They ended up in their bedroom of course, Gerard on his knees with his wrists bound to the headboard, Frank pressing up against him from behind, kissing along the back of his neck.

At some point of time Gerard had obviously discovered porn, and after seeing a video with a mans wrists tied, he decided he liked it, and Frank was more than happy to fulfill that for him.

Frank always took care of him, he somehow knew everything to do to drive Gerard wild, and it always ended with Gerard coming untouched as he screamed into his arms to muffle the sound.

Frank wasn't gentle, Frank was very rough in fact, his fingers left bruises on Gerard's hips, and his own hips left faint bruises on Gerard's cheeks.

He was very adamant on Gerard being his, and since Gerard didn't object to the rough treatment, he took full advantage of it.

There were a few times Gerard would ask him to be more gentle, and those were the times they would do it face to face, with Gerard's wrists freed so he could wrap his arms around Frank.

And then afterwards, they always showered together.

And Frank would wash Gerard's body for him, his strong hands pressing into Gerard's skin like a form of massage, and then by the time that was all over, Gerard was definitely ready for bed.

Gerard always had trouble sleeping if they didn't have sex before bed, he didn't know what it was, but even with Frank's arm wrapped around him he couldn't ease himself into sleep.

But of course Frank had no objection to aiding that problem, so Gerard didn't struggle with that all too much.

-

The next day at work was strange to say the least, his boss didn't glare at him like he usually did, in fact he actually waved and said good morning.

Then he called Gerard into his office, where he made Gerard sign a piece of paper saying he'd never tell anyone about their agreement, or go to the union about it if the deal went south.

The 'contract' he signed also mentioned he could leave whenever he wanted to, but if he did, he would lose his job.

Either way Gerard didn't put much thought into it as he signed the paper, keeping in mind that Frank told him to do whatever it took to keep the job.

Besides his boss had so far shown no signs of forcing him into anything he didn't agree to, so he had no reason to worry.

"Good." His boss smiled as he put away the contract safely.

"Yeah." Gerard swallowed hard, keeping his nervous gaze in his lap. "T-Thank you for not firing me."

"So, Gerard." His boss continued, ignoring Gerard's words. "When you said you could help me with other things, what all did that incline?"

Gerard's gut twisted nervously at that, having a pretty good guess at where this was going.

"Anything you want." Gerard responded quietly, his gaze slowly meeting his boss's.

"So, if I were to-" He started, waving his hand around a bit before he opened his desk drawer, pulling out a small box Gerard didn't even want to acknowledge.

Condoms.

"Yes." Was all Gerard said, his gaze falling back into his lap. "Whatever you want."

He hummed in response then, picking up the box and idly reading the label as Gerard continue to stare into his lap.

"You can say no." He finally spoke, causing Gerard's head to snap up. "I want this to be consensual."

"I-It's fine." Gerard stuttered out, fearing this was a test. "Really, I-I've done it before, I like it..."

"Okay." Was all his boss said, accepting his answer without second thought. "Let's get to it then."

-

Gerard hated himself, but not for the reason you'd expect.

He had liked it.

He had liked the way he was bent over the desk, he had liked the way it felt as he pushed in.

Mr. Jones was bigger than Frank, and that brought Gerard a bunch of new sensations he had never experienced before.

He was shocked, mostly, but he couldn't help himself as he cried out against his arm, his fingernails digging into the wooden desk as his thighs trembled violently.

It didn't help his conscious that the act had gotten him off as well, and he felt even worse about himself as he felt his body let go.

He collapsed onto the floor when Mr. Jones finally pulled away, his entire body trembling as he tried to pull his pants back up.

"Fuck, it's true what they say about anal." His boss sighed, collapsing back into his chair. "Jesus Christ-"

"Y-Yeah-" Gerard stuttered out as he leaned against the desk, his cheeks going red with embarrassment when he noticed the mess he had made.

He figured his boss would go off on him, but he didn't, instead he just handed Gerard box of tissues to clean it up with.

"So it was good for you too, then?" He gestured to the floor, which made Gerard blush even harder as he cleaned it up.

"Y-Yeah-" Gerard nodded slowly, his gaze anywhere but his boss's. "You're um, very good at that..."

He let out a breathy laugh at that, wiping his forehead, but saying nothing else.

"I'm going to get back to work." Gerard mumbled then, shakily climbing to his feet, waiting for a response that never came, so he scurried out of the office.

He didn't go back to his desk though, instead he went into the bathrooms, thankful that they were single bathrooms so he didn't have to worry about someone walking in on him while he cried.

He didn't quite understand why he was crying, he had done what Frank told him to do, and he wasn't in any pain- not like he had been when he was raped.

After a while it became clear he was upset because the only thing he seemed to be good at was getting fucked, nothing else he did was worth anything- he couldn't even make a proper meal for Frank.

"Worthless whore..." Gerard whispered to himself, his arms hugging his body loosely. "Only skill is getting fucked-"

He started to get angry then, and he swallowed the lump of anger forming in his throat as he hauled himself to his feet; his hands holding his weight as he leaned against the sink, staring at his reflection with disgust.

"Dirty whore." He growled to himself, clenching the sink as his anger grew. "You're disgusting!"

Everything seemed to go black then, a fury of motions occurring without Gerard's consent, leaving him confused as his vision finally came back with him on the floor, a stinging pain in his hand.

He gasped as he looked down, his hand was drenched in blood, glass shards surrounding him from the mirror he must of broke as he blacked out.

"O-Oh god-" Gerard stuttered out, dizzily getting to his feet to wash his hand.

The water burned like acid, and tears brimmed at his eyes as he kept his hand under the stream, trying desperately not to cry out as the cuts on his hand became visible.

His knuckles were slashed to hell, no doubt from punching the mirror; but what confused him were the slight incisions in his palm, it was almost as if he had grabbed the glass shards and clenched them in his hand.

"Fuck." Gerard whimpered, grabbing some paper towels as the wounds began to bleed again. "Ow-"

Now he was scared, how was he suppose to explain this?

The mirror was shattered and glass shreds were literally everywhere, there was no way he could explain this.

So, he did probably the stupidest thing he could do, and went home before anyone could notice and question him about it.

-

It was clear Gerard didn't want to talk about it, so Frank didn't question him as he bandaged up his hand, instead he just kissed Gerard softly and told him he was there to talk when he was ready.

It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed when Gerard decided to tell him, and just like before, Frank held him closely.

That is, until Gerard reached the part about liking it.

"F-Frankie-" Gerard had sniffled, hiding his face against Frank's chest. "Frankie, I'm so sorry-"

"You didn't do anything wrong, baby."

"But I- I-" Gerard stuttered out, disgust filling his every pore as guilt filled his body. "I liked it..."

"Excuse me?" Frank snapped, pulling away so Gerard was forced to look him in the eyes. "You liked it?"

"I- I didn't want to- it just-"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Frank shook his head angrily, his jaw clenched. "You liked him fucking you?" Gerard could only whimper in response, giving Frank the answer in the process. "What, am I not good enough for you anymore?"

"Frankie-"

"What is it? Is his cock bigger than mine? What, is he slimmer?" Gerard couldn't respond again, but like before the silence was his response. "Un-fucking-believable. Fuck you, I'm sleeping on the couch."

He grabbed a pillow and began to leave, but that's when Gerard found his voice again.

"Frankie, no- it's not like that, I love you, I-"

"Not as much as you love his fucking cock- why don't you go stay the night with him then? Jump on his dick if it feels that good- seems like that's all you can fucking do anyways."

With that Frank stormed off, leaving Gerard a sobbing mess on the bed as he fought to breathe evenly.

He couldn't though, it was like none of the air he was sucking in was reaching his lungs, and his body began trembling as he felt light headed.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid-" Gerard chanted quietly to himself, his uninjured hand tugging harshly at his hair in an attempt to feel anything other than the pain in his chest. "Stupid whore-"

Frank was right, that's all he was good for, that's all he'd ever be good for.

All of this piling on his mind was making him feel even more dizzy, which only seemed to make him angrier, and with anger came the physical violence similar to the one in the bathroom.

Only he knew what he was doing this time, he knew as he yanked out his dresser drawers, he knew as his clothes flew everywhere.

It felt good, it made him forget about how badly Frank's words had hurt him, it made him forget how dirty he felt inside.

By the time he was finished, the room was a wreck and he was a panting mess on the floor, the wounds on his hand had also opened up, and bled through the bandages.

He just cried then, pulling his knees up to his chest as he sobbed behind them, wondering why this all had to happen to him.

-

Chapter Text

Gerard did eventually fall asleep, but only as he cuddled up with Frank on the couch, who had been asleep for several hours at that point.

He couldn't sleep without Frank by his side, so even though Frank was mad at him, he still cuddled up next to him.

However, when he woke up that morning to his phone alarm, Frank was gone.

This wasn't an unusual occurrence though, Frank often would leave when he was upset, otherwise he'd act out and potentially do something he regretted.

That definitely put a damper on his morning, but he still forced himself into getting up and showering, even making himself some coffee before he caught the train to work.

For a split second Gerard was excited, and when he realized why he was excited, that feeling quickly turned into disgust.

How could he enjoy something like that?

How could he enjoy the things his boss was doing, or going to do?

When he arrived at the office he was one of the first people there, but he had to be, he was the one who started the coffee maker and made sure everything was ready for the day.

Several coworkers did arrive early though, and as Gerard was setting up for the day he overheard their conversation.

"You think Mr. Jones is acting weird lately?" One spoke as they doctored up their coffee. "He's not so... uptight."

"You've noticed too?" A woman responded, sipping on her coffee. "Maybe he finally ditched that gold digger."

"Maybe he finally got himself laid." Another laughed, causing Gerard's stomach to twist nervously.

They had been spot on, and he feared they might guess who it was as well, and then shame him for it.

Luckily Mr. Jones arrived after that, so the conversation changed into greetings and smiles.

"Gerard, I'd like to see you in my office."

"Yes, Sir." Gerard mumbled, his head down as he quickly finished up what he was doing, then following the other into his office.

No one seemed to take notice of Gerard being called into the office, it wasn't an uncommon thing for his job description.

"Oh- uh, I forgot your coffee, I'm so sorry-" Gerard stuttered out, turning to rush off into the break room to fix it, but stopping in his tracks when Mr. Jones told him it was fine. "O-Okay."

He seated himself at the desk then, looking at Mr. Jones for further instruction.

"I'm promoting you."

"What?" Gerard gasped, his eyes widening. "B-But I can't even do this job right-"

"It's a different position, I'm making you my personal assistant so you don't have to deal with the filing, it also has a pay increase."

"S-Sir-" Gerard stuttered out, not knowing how to react to all of this. "Why...?"

"The truth?" Mr. Jones clicked his tongue. "One, you suck at filing, two, I don't want people to get suspicious with all the time you spend in my office."

"Oh..." Gerard nodded to himself, feeling a sense of relief knowing there wasn't any high expectations on him. "Well... thank you."

"Now I'll take that coffee."

-

Being his assistant turned out to be more work than Gerard expected, and his legs started to ache with how much walking it required.

He had to go get his lunch, transfer files to other employees, it was all back and forth, back and forth, and then of course, the inevitable.

He didn't like it as much as he did the first time, and that was because every time he felt a spike of pleasure, Frank's face popped into his head.

After that he just pretended it was Frank, which led to a very awkward conversation afterwards as he called out Frank's name.

"Who's Frank?" Mr. Jones had panted, relaxing back in his desk chair.

"H-He's like my boyfriend." Gerard mumbled, shakily pulling his pants up and fixing his hair.

"Like your boyfriend?" His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "Am I gonna have an angry boyfriend causing a scene in my office?"

"Well... we've always been together but we never really made it official." Gerard tried to explain. "And no... he knows about this... he told me to do what it took to keep my job... he's not angry at you, if anything he's angry at me..."

"Angry at you, why is that?"

Gerard didn't want this small talk after sex thing, he wanted to get back to work and pretend like it hadn't happened, and he especially didn't want to answer his boss's question.

He knew he didn't have much choice though.

"B-Because I like it..." Gerard admitted quietly, his cheeks flaring bright red at his confession, even though it was pretty obvious he enjoyed the act.

His boss let out a cocky laugh at that, a smirk playing against his lips.

"I fuck you better than he does, huh?"

"Sir-"

"I'm a better fuck than him."

"I love him." Gerard became defensive then, finally making eye contact with him. "A-And I love-"

"Say it, Gerard." Mr. Jones challenged, leaning forward. "Say I'm a better fuck."

Gerard tore his gaze away then, his throat swelling with emotion as he even thought about voicing those words.

"Say it."

"You're a better fuck." Gerard mumbled, his angry gaze to the floor, not meaning a single word he said.

"Say it like you mean it, look me in the eyes, and tell me I'm a better fuck."

Gerard's face twisted with anger, his anger bubbling in his veins.

"Say it."

"You're a better fuck!" Gerard exploded, his angry eyes staring daggers into Mr. Jones.

"That's it." Mr. Jones grinned, relaxing back against his chair. "Hearing you say that almost gets me hard again."

Gerard let out an angry huff and crossed his arms, refusing to make eye contact again.

He wasn't necessarily a better fuck, physically maybe, but nothing compared to the way Frank made him feel, nothing compared to the warmth that filled his body whenever he was with Frank.

"You think you could go again?" He suddenly spoke, forcing Gerard to respond, which he did by shrugging.

No wasn't an option for Gerard, so if Mr. Jones wanted to go again, he was going to have to suck it up and take it.

"I kinda wanna go again."

And so they did.

-

Frank was back when Gerard got home, he was sitting in the kitchen, eating cereal and reading the newspaper.

"I- I got a raise." Gerard stuttered out, hoping Frank would be proud of him. "We'll have more money now... maybe we can get a house."

"That's great." Frank muttered, not turning to look at Gerard.

Gerard didn't have the energy to deal with this right now, so instead of responding, he returned to the living room, collapsing onto the couch with a defeated sigh.

The thing is though, Gerard always reacted to Frank, so when he didn't, Frank knew something was up; not that there wasn't before, but now he was nervous.

"Gee?" He spoke as he poked his head around the corner. "You okay?"

"I just want you to be proud of me." Gerard whispered, his blank gaze staring at the T.V. screen. "Everything I do, it's for you."

"You do make me proud, baby." Frank walked in front of him then. "I just- I get jealous, okay? You're this perfect person, and I don't want anyone to steal you away from me, it would kill me to lose you... so when you said that you liked it, I retaliated, I'm sorry."

Gerard just looked timidly up at him, tears brimming his eyelids as he stared up at Frank.

"Baby, don't cry." Frank urged, cupping Gerard's face in his hands. "I love you, I'm sorry."

Gerard couldn't help it, and a tortured sob left his lips, his eyes squeezing shut, not wanting to see the disappointed look on Frank's face.

But no look existed in that moment, and the only way Frank reacted was by leaning down and kissing Gerard, putting as much love into it as he could.

Gerard kissed back eagerly of course, his hands reaching for Frank's sides in fear that if he didn't grab him, he'd disappear.

That's how they ended up snuggling on the couch for hours, whispering encouraging things into the others ear, and kissing softly.

-

Frank made Gerard dinner that night, it was the only time they weren't cuddling on the couch; even as they ate the food they were cuddled together.

Frank hadn't meant to upset Gerard so much, but he acknowledged his issues, and promised to work on them.

Life was hard, they were barely making it as it was, they knew they had to do whatever it took to survive, no matter how much they might hate it.

Minor freak outs were bound to happen, Gerard figured, so the best they could do is move on from Frank's outburst, and focus on getting the life they wanted.

"Things will get better." Frank breathed out later that night, after they had ended up fooling around in their bedroom. "They will."

"I believe you." Gerard panted quietly, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he grabbed Frank's hand. "You're always right..."

"Yeah, I am." Frank mumbled, lifting Gerard's hand to his lips to kiss.

-

Gerard got used to the new workload at work, and he had even started to make a few friends.

He never wanted to make friends at first, people always only showed their bad side to him, so he always stayed with Frank alone.

But he got lonely at work, and he envied the conversations his coworkers would have in the break room, so eventually he joined in on one.

They all got along a lot better than Gerard expected, and he found himself oddly enough enjoying his time at work.

And with his new friends, work also became a lot easier because everyone helped each other out.

Most of the time Gerard didn't have to spend hours in the copy room, because someone else was already going to be in there and would pick up the prints he would need.

Everyone helped out each other, and Gerard loved that.

Everything was going so wonderfully, until something Gerard couldn't quite explain happened.

They were in the break room, everything was fine, everyone was chatting and having a nice break, when suddenly Gerard just lost it.

His head throbbed at first, but then he became angry, and after he became angry, everything turned into a blur.

When he finally came back to reality, there was shattered glass on the floor, his nose was bleeding, and everyone was looking at him with petrified expressions.

"I- I just asked if he would hand me my drink-" One of his coworkers started, but that's all Gerard heard, because his head began to pound again.

Then he felt scared, his chest felt tight with anxiety, and his head throbbed as if he was hit with something.

"I- I don't understand-" Gerard choked out, his hands holding his head. "Everything hurts-"

A female coworker approached him then, and helped him to his feet, insisting she helped him to the bathroom to clean up.

"What happened?" Gerard mumbled as he rested against the wall in the bathroom.

"I think you had a bit of a mental breakdown." She spoke softly, grabbing some tissues to wipe away the blood dribbling from his nose. "Over a drink?"

"P-Please don't say that word-" Gerard stuttered out, his breathing becoming shaky. "D-Don't like it-"

"Which word, Gerard?"

"D-Drink." He choked out, tears suddenly brimming his eyes. "I- I don't know why- that word just hurts-"

"I won't say that word again, Gerard, don't worry."

"I'm sorry." He whimpered, holding his head tightly. "I don't understand it-"

"Did something happen?" She questioned softly. "When you were younger... did something happen that made you hate that word?"

Gerard was silent for a while, he never thought about his childhood, it was all horrible and painful memories, he tried to forget them.

But as he thought back far enough, he remembered the accident.

The accident he caused, the accident that caused his mother to leave him behind for a new a family.

"Oh god-" Gerard felt sick then, all those forgotten emotions hitting him all at once. "I- I was in a car accident, it was my fault... and my mom left us after it. I- I caused it by asking for my-" His throat suddenly closed up, his head pounding violently.

"Gerard..." she spoke softly, her hand on his shoulder. "I think you might be suffering from PTSD, my husband is a psychiatrist, I know the signs, have you talked to a doctor?"

"What are you talking about?" Gerard snapped then, looking up at her with disgust. "There's nothing wrong with me- just don't say that word again."

"Okay." She nodded, knowing if he was suffering from PTSD, pushing him wouldn't help anything. "I won't say that word, and I won't let anyone else say it either, okay?"

Gerard relaxed then, his guarded posture softening.

"Thank you." He mumbled. "P-Please don't tell Mr. Jones."

"I won't." She rubbed his arm soothingly. "And if you ever need anyone, Gerard, I'm here for you, okay?"

"Alright." Gerard mumbled, not sure why he would need someone other than Frank. "Thanks."

He didn't return to the break room then, too afraid to face his coworkers right then, but the girl went back in and explained to everyone the situation.

It was very lucky she had experience with people like Gerard, otherwise they wouldn't have understood why he was the way that he is, and they'd fear him.

She explained to them about the car accident, and how that probably affected his mental health, especially if he never got help for it in the past.

Everyone was very understanding about it, honestly it made a lot of sense as to why he hadn't been very social in the first place.

Gerard on the other hand, went to Mr. Jones office, to see if there was anything he could do for him.

There was nothing for him to do though, but Mr. Jones allowed him to sit in his office until something came up.

Nothing did.

-

When Gerard returned home that night, he felt strange, he wanted to know more about what that girl was talking about, but then again, he didn't.

"Frankie?" Gerard mumbled as he entered their living room, where Frank was sat on the couch. "What is PTSD?"

"Something made up." Frank shook his head. "Something the government created to make people think they were crazy, so it would be easier to control them."

"Seriously?" Gerard gasped, sitting down next to him. "Why would they do that?"

"Because, Gerard." Frank sighed, turning to face him then. "We have the power to overthrow the government, take away all their power, but they don't want that, so they come up with this shit to convince us we're crazy, that way we don't overthrow them."

Gerard relaxed back against the couch then, letting all that information process.

"Holy shit." He mumbled then. "Frank, you're so smart."

"Of course I am." Frank smirked, leaning over to kiss him. "Don't forget it, baby."

"I won't." Gerard smiled, wrapping his arms around Frank. "What would I do without you?"

"And what would I do without you, my love?"

Gerard just continued to smile and lean against Frank, letting his favorite persons arms make him feel better.

-

His coworkers seemed nervous around him after that, but they were also extremely nice, like if they weren't, he'd freak out on them again.

He kinda liked it though, he liked how nice everyone was being to him, and one girl even bought him lunch one day, that was definitely a positive change.

Gerard refused to talk to the girl who had helped him in the bathroom, she had suggested he was crazy, and he didn't want her negativity to bring him down, or confuse him for that matter.

Without Frank being there with him at work, he had to figure out everything on his own, but he didn't trust his judgement, he trusted Frank's.

His boss also stopped asking for sexual favors, and even though Gerard knew it was because he was just genuinely very busy, and they had enough sex beforehand to keep him satisfied, it still worried him.

What if he decided he didn't need Gerard anymore? What if he fired him?

There was nothing else Gerard could do to try and convince him not to fire him, so if he got bored of his body, Gerard was literally fucked.

Him and Frank would be homeless, and that thought alone was petrifying.

And as much as he hated himself for it, he did miss it too.

He wouldn't admit it to himself, but Mr. Jones was a better fuck than Frank, he shouldn't have been, but he was.

Gerard loved what Frank and him had, but Frank never left him feeling high for hours afterwards, not like Mr. Jones did.

So after about a week of nothing from the man, Gerard decided to initiate it himself.

"What are you doing?" Mr. Jones furrowed his eyebrows as Gerard locked the door.

"Um-" Gerard stuttered out then, losing all his prior confidence. "Uh-"

"You want it, don't you?" Mr. Jones smirked then, getting hard over the power he had on Gerard.

Gerard just blushed and bit his lip, his head down slightly as he looked at him expectantly.

"Get over here."

Gerard felt like he was in a dream as he scurried over to him, his head cloudy as everything seemed to happen at once.

One second he was sucking him off- the next he was bent over the desk, gasping and crying out softly as he was fucked hard and fast.

He always pictured it being Frank though, Frank holding his hand behind his back, Frank smacking his ass on occasion.

"Please, please-" Gerard begged for nothing in particular, just desperate for the pleasure to keep coming.

Mr. Jones did something different then, and he wrapped his arm under Gerard's stomach, pulling him back off the desk and into his lap as he sat in his chair.

"O-Oh fuck-" Gerard gasped as the new position had Mr. Jones all that deeper inside of him.

But then his hand was on the inside of Gerard's thigh, teasingly trailing up.

He never touched Gerard, Gerard was pretty sure he was straight, just trying to get off, but right now it seemed like he had some interest in doing it.

"Earn it." He growled in Gerard's ear, shocking him into rolling his hips back against Mr. Jones' lap.

"Almost..." He growled, his hand now tight on the inside of Gerard's thigh. "Faster-"

Gerard moaned and gripped onto the armrest of the chair, steadying himself so he could move more roughly against the other.

"Fuck, that's it-"

"Fuck fuck-" Gerard inhaled sharply as Mr. Jones finally curled his fingers around his dick, not really moving it, but allowing Gerard to thrust into it each time his hips moved forward. "Oh god, oh, fuck fuck-"

He had never felt so good in his entire life; his legs spread, his body moving desperately against the body behind him-

He came so hard he collapsed onto Mr. Jones' lap, but quickly started moving once again after he was snapped at.

His boss hadn't finished, so Gerard had to fight through the pain until he finally did.

"T-Thanks-" Gerard stuttered out as he pulled his pants back up, stumbling over to one of the chairs on the other side of the desk.

"Eh," he waved him off. "You do enough for me... I'm not going to blow you though, so don't even think about it."

"I won't." Gerard assured, even though the thought was kind of appealing. "I-I'm going to get back to work now."

He stood up when he finally caught his breath, and left the office without another word.

However, as he did, he ran into the girl he decided was trying to convince him he was crazy.

"What was going on in there?" She questioned nervously, glancing Gerard up and down before looking towards the office.

"Nothing." Gerard lied easily. "He needed help with his paperwork."

"It didn't sound-"

"Paperwork." Gerard snapped, silencing her for a moment.

"Gerard... is he taking advantage of you?"

Gerard just rolled his eyes and walked past her, trying to walk confidently, and not limping like he felt like he needed to.

"Gerard-"

"Maybe you're the crazy one." Gerard snapped then, starting to feel angry as he turned to face her. "Yeah, I know you think I'm 'crazy', but I'm not, so just leave me the fuck alone."

"Gerard, I don't think you're crazy-" She tried to explain, but Gerard wasn't having it.

"Don't lie to me! My boyfriend told me what PTSD is, and it's really fucking rude of you to try and convince me of that, it's not even real!"

Her eyes widened in shock then, her mouth opening as she tried to think of something to say in response.

"O-Okay." She stuttered out, taking a step back. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."

Gerard just scoffed and walked away, leaving her behind as she watched him nervously.

Maybe Gerard Way was a little more damaged than she originally thought.

Chapter Text

They started looking for a house.

With Gerard's pay increase, it made it possible for them to upgrade; it couldn't be anything fancy, but Frank and Gerard wanted out of that apartment complex, it was too small, and there wasn't any privacy.

Besides Gerard's neighbors scared the hell out of him, and he hated being forced to interact with them whenever they ran into each other outside.

He wanted out as soon as possible, and luckily with his pay increase, and them cutting back on a few things, made that very possible for the near future.

So that's how he found himself snuggled up on the couch with Frank, stealing the neighbors wifi as they looked up houses for rent.

Frank suggested they just rent right now, he said it would be cheaper, and if it didn't work out they were in no commitment to stay.

It ended up being harder to find houses that were for rent, especially houses close to Gerard's work.

They didn't have a car, so they had to find a place either close by his workplace, or near a train station.

Those factors made it harder in the search as well, but Gerard wasn't deterred, he was determined to find them a decent house.

After several hours searching, they finally came across one that seemed decent enough; it was even a little secluded, so they wouldn't have neighbors.

That's what really sold Gerard on it, he liked the privacy that would come with it.

Luckily though everything else they were looking for was with that house as well, it was near his work, the price was low, near a grocery store- everything they wanted.

"It's perfect." Gerard whispered to Frank, leaning against him. "Do you like it?"

"I do." Frank nodded. "Could use a little work, but until I'm able to get a job, it will work."

"When will that be, Frankie?" Gerard dared to ask, looking up at his boyfriend nervously.

"Soon." Frank nodded confidently. "I promise."

Frank had never gotten a job due to his anxiety, and his lack of career wasn't the only thing his anxiety effected.

He was too nervous around people, so Gerard and him never went out, they didn't make friends, they just stuck with each other, because whenever Frank's anxiety got too bad, he retaliated violently from it.

He had lashed out and trashed a grocery store once, simply because a stranger looked at Gerard funny.

"Take your time." Gerard whispered, cupping Frank's face. "I know how scary it is for you."

"I'm sorry I'm the way that I am." Frank whispered, sounding ashamed. "I'm sorry I don't help out around here-"

"Frank." Gerard shook his head disapprovingly. "You have been there for me for as long as I can remember, this is the least I can do for us."

"I love you." Frank whispered. "And I'm so proud of you, and grateful for everything you do..."

Gerard beamed so hard at that, he loved when Frank told him he was proud of him, it made everything he did seem worth it.

"Can I ask you something, Frank?" Gerard questioned softly, figuring now was a good time to ask him something that had been burning on his mind since he talked to Mr. Jones. "Are we... you know, boyfriends?"

"Of course we are." Frank frowned. "Why would you ask that?"

"Well y-you never asked me, and I never asked you-"

"I told you I was going to marry you someday, Gerard." Frank interrupted him, and Gerard's heart fluttered violently at the memory.

It was when he lived at the children's home, they were laying together in bed when Frank said that sentence so confidently.

"You did." Gerard blushed violently. "You'd be my husband."

"Which means I'd be your boyfriend first."

"Right." Gerard nodded, realizing how dumb he sounded now. "I'm stupid for not realizing that."

Frank frowned, and Gerard had feared he upset him, but then Frank was on his knee in front of Gerard, pushing the laptop aside so he could grab Gerard's hand.

"Gerard Way, will you be my boyfriend, and then do me the honor of marrying me?"

"Oh, Frankie." Gerard giggled violently then, his free hand covering his mouth. "Where's my ring?"

"I'll make you one." Frank smiled back at him, squeezing his hand. "Tell me you'll marry me."

"Of course I'll marry you."

Frank beamed and crawled into Gerard's lap, their lips meeting in a desperate kiss as they held onto each other.

-

Gerard was in a good mood for hours after that, and it even transferred over into the work week, meaning he walked into work with a smile on his face for the first time.

It didn't even falter when that woman who tried to convince him he was crazy talked to him, and when she questioned his smile, he just ignored her.

Mr. Jones, however, he couldn't ignore, so after he entered his office, he told him the news.

"Frank proposed." He grinned shyly to himself. "I'm getting married."

"Oh?" Mr. Jones raised an eyebrow then, his hands folded in his lap. "Is this going to interfere with our deal?"

"No, no, of course not." Gerard rushed out. "I'm just excited, is all."

"I see, well, congratulations, Gerard, if you need any time off work for the wedding, let me know."

"Really?" Gerard gasped, shocked by the generosity.

"Of course." Mr. Jones waved him off. "Now get over here, it's been a long weekend."

-

Mr. Jones had been really rough with Gerard that morning, and they had gotten so loud that he had to turn some music on to mask the noise.

Gerard could hardly walk afterwards, and his skin throbbed as bruises began to form.

That had dampened his mood a bit, but the thought of Frank kept him going, the thought of being able to have their own home together-

Speaking of which, Gerard was meeting with the realtor about the house after work, and Frank had promised to try and be there.

He wanted Frank to be there, but he knew deep down he probably wouldn't be.

He'd have to look at the house alone, make the decision alone.

As long as Frank lived in it with him though, that's all he really needed.

By the time he was done with work, he was utterly exhausted, but he pushed through it, bought himself a cup of coffee, and made his way to their house to meet the realtor.

She was there before he was, and after confirming he was the interested buyer, she perked up instantly and greeted him warmly.

He knew she was only being so friendly because she wanted to sell the house, or rather rent it, but he didn't mind.

The house inside was pretty old and worn down, but it was very spacious.

Gerard listened as she rambled on about the perks of living here, how it was close to the schools if he were to have kids, how the hospital was nearby, easy access to transit, things like that.

He didn't need to learn about any of that stuff though, because he already knew about it all.

He was just here to see the house in person, and see if it was truly somewhere Frank and him could live.

Anxiously he watched the front door, hoping Frank would walk in any minute, but he never did.

So with a sigh, he told the lady he'd like to rent it, having seen enough of the house.

"Perfect!" She beamed brightly, pulling out paperwork. "You'll have to fill this out."

They settled at the old kitchen table then, and Gerard nervously filled out the paperwork.

He wished Frank was there with him, explaining what some of this information was, and if it was okay to give it out, but he wasn't, so he had to just guess on his own.

Frank had said that if it didn't work out, they could leave, there was no legal obligation for them to stay when they were only renting, so he let that relax him as he filled out the paperwork.

"Perfect." She grinned as he finished the paperwork. "Move in date is in one week, after this week the house is yours to move into."

"Thank you." Gerard smiled genuinely at her, reaching out to shake her hand.

She gave him all the information he'd need about the house then, such as where to pay the rent, what days the garbage would be picked up, and the number to call if the landlord needed to fix anything.

After that Gerard set out on his walk to the train station, hoping to catch the next train home.

He was about a block away from the house when he saw him, and Frank came running up to him breathlessly.

"Am I too late?" He panted, keeling over as he fought to catch his breath.

"Yeah." Gerard nodded sadly. "But I signed the papers, the house is ours in one week."

"Yay!" Frank beamed, tackling Gerard in a hug. "I'm so excited!"

"Where were you?" Gerard questioned then. "You said you were going to try really hard to make it."

"I got something for you." Frank whispered. "It took longer than I expected."

"Ooo what is it?" Gerard's interest was peaked instantly, and he watched eagerly as Frank pulled out something from his pocket.

A golden ring, circled with tiny diamonds.

"Oh, Frank-"

"I met someone who told me he'd give me the ring if I helped him fix up his yard, and I pushed through the fear and did it for you, baby."

Only then did Gerard realize Frank was dirty, his pants had mud on them, and in one place there was dried blood.

Frank had cut himself pretty badly while trimming a thorn bush, and he hadn't been able to stop the bleeding before it got on his clothes.

Gerard worried about him, but Frank assured him he was fine, and distracted Gerard by sliding the ring on his finger.

"It's beautiful." Gerard whispered, admiring the ring.

"A beautiful ring, for a beautiful man." Frank grinned, grabbing his hand. "Let's go before we miss the next train."

Gerard couldn't stop staring at the ring as Frank led him to the station, and even once they were seated on the train he couldn't stop.

Frank just watched in awe, extremely pleased with himself for managing to get Gerard the ring.

He wanted a bigger ring for him, he wanted to get Gerard a ring with a thousand diamonds- he deserved as much- but unfortunately this is the best he could do, and he was lucky enough to have Gerard love it.

Gerard didn't speak the whole rest of the way home, but the second they walked into their apartment, Gerard had Frank pushed up against the wall, his lips on his as he pulled off Frank's jacket.

"Do whatever you want to me." Gerard whispered, his eyes obedient as he pulled away.

"Bedroom, naked, now."

Gerard rushed off to the bedroom, and Frank followed slowly, undressing himself with every step he took.

When Frank entered the room, Gerard was completely naked on the bed, sitting on his knees while he waited for Frank to react.

Gerard had barely blinked before he was on his stomach, Frank's body pressed against his.

"You're bruised." Frank growled against his ear, grinding softly against his ass.

"I'm sorry-"

Frank didn't respond, he just sat up, straddling the back of Gerard's thighs as he grabbed both of his hands.

"Gonna tie these back here, okay?"

"Frankie, no, please..."

He didn't like doing it on his stomach like this, it reminded him of the boy, how he was forced against the mattress.

He could handle other positions, but being restrained on his stomach scared him.

"You said I could do whatever I want to you."

Gerard swallowed hard and closed his eyes, he had said that.

"Okay." He whispered, his throat tightening with fear.

"You're too good to me, Gerard." Frank breathed out, climbing off of him. "Get on your knees."

Gerard had never scrambled up so fast in his life, and soon Frank was tying his wrists to the headboard instead.

"Thank you." Gerard smiled over his shoulder, watching hungrily as Frank covered himself in lube.

"I'd never hurt you." Frank whispered, his hand on Gerard's hip as he slowly pushed in.

Gerard's head relaxed forward instantly, a weird warmth spreading throughout his body once Frank was all the way inside.

"How's that feel, baby?" Frank breathed out against Gerard's neck, his arms wrapped securely around his torso.

"So good, Frankie." Gerard moaned quietly, his hips starting up a slow pace against Frank.

"That's it, baby." Frank whispered. "Fuck yourself against my cock."

"Frank-" Gerard panted, his head falling against his arms as he picked up his pace. "Oh, God."

Frank ran one hand along Gerard's back, the other tangled in his hair, pulling his head back harshly.

"S-Shit-" Gerard choked out, his speed increasing even more. "Frank- feels so good-"

Frank didn't respond verbally, but his hips snapped forward as Gerard pushed back, causing the other to cry out loudly and arch his back.

"Yeah-" Frank groaned out, his head thrown back as his hips continuously snapped forward. "Fuck."

Gerard was unraveling against him, each snap of Frank's hips bringing him closer and closer to his orgasm.

"Gonna come for me?"

"Yes-" Gerard choked out, his hands reaching for the headboard to steady himself. "Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank-"

He came with a loud gasp, his thighs trembling as he moved back desperately against Frank through his orgasm.

Frank followed soon after, a loud grunt echoing through Gerard's ears as he let go inside of him.

After they had caught their breath, and Gerard was freed from the tie Frank had used, they curled up in bed together, breathing softly as they simply enjoyed each others presence.

They chatted a bit about the move, but Gerard was so tired after his long day, and before they could even finish the conversation, he had dozed off.

-

Moving was hard, especially because they didn't have a car.

Gerard's boss was generous enough to allow him to borrow a company car though, so after the first day of carrying boxes through the subway, it got better.

It only took one trip in the car, and Gerard beamed as him and Frank unloaded them into their new home.

The last house he lived in had been his fathers, and he was determined to make this one have more pleasant memories.

Maybe Frank and him could adopt a baby, maybe they could start a family here.

After they fixed it up the house would be perfect for a family, and the thought had Gerard blushing shyly to himself.

He'd love to have a baby with Frank, he thought Frank would make the greatest father ever.

Not to mention they'd prevent a baby from going through what Gerard had, if it was up to Gerard, he'd adopt all the young kids, that way none of them would be forced to endure what he had.

"Already feels like home." Frank sighed happily, wrapping his arms around Gerard's waist.

"Anywhere with you feels like home." Gerard mumbled shyly, a quiet giggle leaving his lips as Frank kissed them quickly.

"What do you want for dinner, baby? I'll make you whatever you want."

Gerard just grinned and told Frank he would walk to the grocery store, seeing as they had none, and then they would figure out a meal to make together.

Frank kissed him goodbye and promised to keep the house safe while he was gone, and with a giggle Gerard rushed off to the store.

They ended up making a simple pasta with some garlic bread, after paying first months rent, they didn't have that much money left.

It was perfect though, and Gerard loved every second in that kitchen with Frank, singing along with him, swaying their hips as they stirred the pasta.

It was like something he longed for, but hadn't realized it until it happened.

Everything was getting better, just like Frank said it would.

-

"Gerard." The girl who tried convincing him he was crazy spoke, causing Gerard to groan out loud. "I was wondering if you and your boyfriend would like to have dinner with my husband and I sometime."

"No thank you." Gerard spoke quickly, trying to walk past her. "I don't like you."

Clearly she wanted to have them over so she could convince them Gerard was crazy, and he was not going to have that, things were finally getting better, he wasn't going to let her ruin that.

"What can I say to make you guys come?" She pleaded, blocking his way. "Just one dinner, Gerard."

"No." Gerard drew out, talking to her like she was stupid. "Things are finally getting better, I'm not letting you ruin that."

"What do you mean?" She pushed. "What's getting better?"

"Life!" Gerard exhaled, throwing his hands up. "Frank proposed, we got a house, everything is so good."

She didn't say anything then, she just looked at him nervously, giving him the chance to run away, which he gladly took.

"Stupid bitch." He muttered to himself, going into Mr. Jones office, where he knew she wouldn't follow him. "Need me to do anything?"

Mr. Jones actually had work for Gerard to do, which luckily kept him occupied and away from that girl for the rest of the day.

"Is that all you'll be needing of me today?" Gerard questioned at the end of the day, finally having finished all the work Mr. Jones had given him.

"Unless you can think of something." Mr. Jones smirked at him, causing Gerard to flush and look down at the ground. "No, alright then. I did have a question for you though."

"What is it?" Gerard looked back up at him.

"Do you and your boyfriend really not have a car?"

"Yeah..." Gerard mumbled, feeling embarrassed now. "He can't work, and this is my only source of income, so I can hardly afford rent."

"Hm." He hummed to himself, typing away on his computer for a few moments. "You know that company car I let you borrow?"

"Yes. sir."

"You can continue to use it."

"What?" Gerard gasped, his eyes wide in disbelief. "W-Why?"

"According to my records we won't need it for some time, it'll get more use with you rather than sitting in the garage."

Gerard just stood there dumbfounded for a moment, unsure if this was actually happening or not.

"Are you going to thank me, or what?"

"What do I have to do in return?" Gerard mumbled, feeling like there was a catch.

"Just keep doing what you're doing." He smiled, his smile slowly turning into a smirk. "You suck really good dick, the best I've ever experienced."

Gerard blushed, but he couldn't help finding the irony in it; the act he hated doing most, seemed to be what he was best at.

"I-Is that what you want now?" Gerard mumbled, feeling like that was the catch. "If it is, it's gotta be fast... Frank is waiting for me at home."

"No, no." He waved him off. "Go home to your Frank, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you." Gerard rushed out, wanting to leave before his boss changed his mind.

He really did hate blowjobs, he never got anything out of it himself, and all it did was remind him of the first time Joey shoved his dick down his throat.

At least with actual sex he could find the pleasure in it, with blowjobs there wasn't anything for him.

When he reached the garage, the person working it was expecting him, and had the car all ready when he got there.

"Oh, thank you." Gerard thanked him politely, awkwardly getting into it before cautiously leaving the car garage.

It felt weird having someone do that for him, even the last time he used it he had to get the car himself, he didn't understand why this time was different.

His stress seemed to float away as he drove home, the lights of the city making him smile.

Maybe Frank would want to go out for a drive tonight, maybe they could find somewhere romantic to admire all the city lights.

As soon as Gerard pulled up into their driveway, Frank was outside, staring down the car with a confused expression.

"He's letting me borrow it!" Gerard beamed as he got out of the car. "He said since they have no use for it right now, we could use it."

"That was nice of him." Frank muttered to himself, his arms crossed.

Gerard's heart sank at Frank's words, was he mad at him?

"Are you mad?"

"No, of course not." Frank scoffed. "I made you dinner, come eat before it gets cold."

"Okay." Gerard mumbled quietly, grabbing his things before following Frank back into the house.

It wasn't until half way through a dinner of silence that Gerard spoke.

"Why are you mad?"

"Why is he giving you cars?" Frank snapped back. "What else are you doing for him?"

"Nothing." Gerard answered honestly. "Nothing you didn't tell me to do."

Silence.

"I'm jealous." Frank muttered, his gaze on his plate. "I'm mad that he gets to have you... has he kissed you?"

"Never." Gerard shook his head quickly. "I've only ever kissed you, Frankie."

A small smile formed on Frank's face then, his gaze slowly meeting Gerard's.

"I'm sorry." Frank breathed out. "I just... I wish I could do the things he does for you."

Gerard's heart twisted violently, hearing Frank's voice like that broke his heart.

"I can't give you cars." Frank sighed. "I want to give you the world, but I can't, and he can, and that drives me crazy."

"You're my world." Gerard whispered, every ounce of truth in his words. "My entire world."

That small smile returned on Frank's face then, and he grabbed Gerard's hand, apologizing once more.

Gerard insisted he didn't need to apologize, and after Frank finally believed him, he asked if they could go on a drive later that night.

Frank agreed after some hesitation, but after seeing the hope in Gerard's eyes, he couldn't say no.

-

They drove around for hours, listening to music and enjoying each others company as they gazed at all the lights of New York.

Gerard hadn't felt so at peace in a long time, and eventually he pulled off the road so he could give his whole focus to Frank.

"This is so nice." Gerard sighed, relaxing back against his seat as he put the car in park. "I love times like these with you."

"You know what would make it better?" Frank smirked, leaning close to Gerard as his hand landed on Gerard's thigh.

"Frankie!" Gerard gasped, his eyes scanning the parking lot they had pulled into. "We're in public."

"No one is around." Frank purred, his hand pushing on Gerard's crotch.

Just then a car pulled into the parking lot though, and Frank cursed loudly as pulled away, clearly frustrated with their unwanted guest.

And to make matters worse, another car pulled in soon after, parking near the first one.

Gerard didn't pay attention as the drivers got out of their car, but after one left, he found himself turning to look at the other.

It was a woman, and she was buckling in a child in the car, her back to him.

"What a weird fucking place to pick up your kid." Gerard mumbled, about to turn back away when she turned around.

All the blood drained from his face as he saw hers, a tornado of emotion tearing throughout his body as he processed it.

"Mom."

Chapter Text

Gerard was out of the car before he could even blink, his body moving towards the woman before she could get back in her car.

"Hey!" He called out, watching as she jumped in surprise. "Wait-"

"Gerard!" Frank hissed, rushing after him. "What are you doing?!"

"Hey." Gerard repeated as he reached the woman, who was standing in front of her son protectively. "I-"

"I don't have any money-" She choked out. "I can't even afford childcare- that was my mom-"

"That wasn't grandma." Gerard frowned, rage filling his body when he realized she was lying to him. "Why did you leave me?"

"What?" She swallowed hard, her wide eyes on him.

"Why did you leave me with him!" He cried out, making her flinch violently. "You left me with him, and he hurt me, and then they took me away and they tried to find you-"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She stuttered out, her hands visibly trembling. "I don't even know you-"

"I'm your son!" Gerard screamed, his attention moving to the little boy in the car. "Why wasn't I good enough for you?"

"L-Look, if you don't leave right now, I'm going to scream-"

"Just answer me!"

She opened her mouth to scream, and just as any sound left, a bottle was being smashed over her head, glass shards flying everywhere as she fell to the ground.

"Frank!" Gerard shrieked, falling to the ground with her in an attempt to break her fall. "What are you doing!?"

"Get her in the car now." Frank hissed, searching around to make sure no one witnessed his act. "If you want answers put her in the car!"

Gerard panicked and scooped her up in his arms, rushing back to their car before putting her in the backseat.

"What about the kid?" Gerard questioned nervously, glancing over at the boy who had began to cry. "We can't leave him."

"He'll be fine." Frank insisted, pushing Gerard back into the car. "Drive now."

Gerard's head was pounding violently as he tried to drive home, his hands trembling around the steering wheel.

He wanted answers, but not like this.

"What are we doing?" Gerard whimpered as they pulled into their driveway, but Frank didn't acknowledge it, he just grabbed the girl and carried her inside.

"Tie her wrists to the bedposts." Frank instructed as he tossed her on their bed. "And her ankles too."

"Why?"

"Do it before she wakes up!" Frank yelled, scaring Gerard into acting.

He grabbed some of his work ties and did as Frank said, tugging on each of the knots to make sure it would hold.

"Fuck!" Frank screamed after a moment, his hands tugging harshly on his hair.

Gerard was shaking with nerves, his eyes starting to water at the fear he felt.

"I- I just wanted to know why she left me." Gerard whimpered, his arms hugging himself tightly. "W-Why did you have to hit her?"

"She was going to scream, Gerard!" Frank breathed out. "You would have gotten in trouble!"

Gerard went to respond, but a quiet groan prevented him from it, and instead he backed away to watch as his mother slowly opened her eyes.

"What-" She groaned, her face scrunched up in pain. "Where's my baby-"

Gerard was too scared to speak, so he just stood there nervously, waiting for her to open her eyes and realize where she was.

The lights were bright in their room, so it took her a long time to finally open them, but when she did, she screamed.

"Stop!" Gerard hissed, covering her mouth. "We're not going to hurt you-"

"Wheres my baby?" She wailed, tears streaming down her face. "What did you do with him?"

"Why do you care so much about him?!" Gerard snapped, his nervousness switching into anger. "You had me first!"

"Help!" She cried, thrashing at the restraints. "Someone!"

"No one can hear you." Frank muttered, but she ignored him completely, instead she just kept screaming, she screamed until Gerard started crying.

"Why did you leave me?" Gerard whimpered, tears falling from his eyes. "Y-You left me, and dad was so mean to me-"

She stared wide eyed at him, and Gerard took that as a cue to keep talking about everything she had missed.

"He hurt me so badly, mommy." Gerard covered his face with his hands then. "T-They took me away, but you never came for me, you never came and I was used!"

"What are you talking about?" She stuttered out, her voice wavering.

"He raped me!" Gerard screamed in her face, angry tears spilling now. "I cried for you every night and you never came!"

"I-"

"Why didn't you come back for me?"

"I- I- I couldn't." She finally stuttered out, her voice wavering even more now. "Y-Your father threatened me."

Gerard blinked furiously and wiped away his tears, trying to calm himself down enough to be able to hear the answers he had been searching for for years.

"He said if I came and got you, he'd kill me."

"B-But they took him away..." Gerard stuttered out, his head throbbing violently. "They said he couldn't hurt anyone-"

Panic covered her face once more, but she recovered quickly, fast enough Gerard had missed it.

"They lied."

"Why does everyone lie to me!?" Gerard screamed, angrily throwing a lap off the bedside table. "Everyone lies! Everyone but Frank!"

"Gerard!" Frank hissed, his angry eyes staring daggers into Gerard. "Don't say our names! And don't talk about me! She'll-"

"Frank?" She interrupted, rather rudely, Gerard thought.

"Don't answer her!" Frank seethed, his eyes scaring Gerard. "The less she knows the better!"

Gerard started to feel light headed as he tried to speak, his hands starting to tremble as he tried to breathe properly.

"Where's Frank?" She spoke again, pulling Gerard out of his daze.

He frowned and looked over at Frank, only then realizing he was hiding in a dark corner, where she wouldn't be able to see him.

That was smart, Gerard thought, if they were to get in trouble, she wouldn't know what Frank's face looked like.

"N-Not here." Gerard stuttered out, tearing his gaze away from Frank in the corner. "H-He's in Jersey."

She tried to look where Gerard had been looking, because he hadn't been very discrete in the action, but even with the strain on her neck, her gaze didn't reach the corner.

"I'm here now-" She quickly changed the subject, trying to sway Gerard. "I'm here for you now, baby."

"Since when do you call me baby?" Gerard questioned, his eyebrows furrowed together. "What happened to Geebear?"

"Geebear-" She rushed out. "Geebear, I'm here now, let me go and we can catch up properly."

Gerard smiled at the thought, his fantasies of having his mother back flashing through his mind as he reached for the restraints.

"No!" Frank hissed from the corner, startling Gerard so hard he jumped back. "We can't trust her!"

"She's my mom..." Gerard muttered, too quietly for her to hear.

"Don't do it, Gerard, not yet."

Gerard let out a defeated sigh and sat back on the bed, his remorseful eyes on his mother.

"I can't."

"W-Why not?" She stuttered out. "I-If you untie me, I'll make you your favorite meal-"

Gerard perked up at that instantly, but deflated even faster when Frank shook his head furiously in the corner.

"I don't think it's a good idea." He mumbled, his gaze low. "I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me."

"I-I'm not mad at you, Geebear." She whimpered quietly, tears falling from her eyes again. "W-When can we make dinner?"

Gerard looked at Frank for answers, but Frank didn't respond, he just stared Gerard down, making sure he didn't do anything stupid.

So Gerard just shrugged in response, his ashamed gaze away from hers.

He didn't want to disappoint his mother so soon, but Frank was right, they couldn't trust her yet, and if Gerard was going to trust anyone, it would be Frank.

"I've missed you." Gerard whispered, his throat tightening with emotion. "I- I waited everyday for you."

"I've missed you, too." She cried, her sobs echoing through the room. "I-I always wanted to bring you home, so you could meet your little brother and sister..."

Gerard felt jealously and anger twist in his stomach at that, there were two children who got to be with his mother all the time, whereas the only time he got was when Frank kidnapped her.

He didn't want to say that though, so he just bit his lip harshly, tearing at the dry skin until it bled.

"G-Geebear?" She stuttered out after several moments of silence, and Gerard looked up at her. "I-I'm really thirsty... could you get me a drink?"

"I-" Gerard choked out, his eyes squeezing shut as his body began to tremble. "No-"

"O-Okay, that's fine- I don't need a drink-"

"No!" Gerard screamed, his vision going red with anger, his body lurching forward at her before he even realized it.

Rage was all he felt, rage was the blood that coursed through his veins, rage was the oxygen he inhaled.

Rage, rage, rage.

-

Next thing Gerard knew he was curled up in the bathtub, Frank's arms wrapped tightly around him.

And the blood; there was so much of it, so much you couldn't see through the water.

"Frank-" Gerard whimpered, burrowing against his chest. "Frank-"

"Shh." Frank whispered, his hands rubbing Gerard's back soothingly. "I've got you."

"What happened?" Gerard whimpered again, the pain starting to set in his body. "Everything hurts-"

"She wasn't your mother." Frank stated simply, and Gerard felt his head starting to ache again. "So we got rid of her."

"W-What did we do?"

"You did it, baby." Frank breathed out, kissing the side of his head. "You were so strong and brave, I'm proud of you."

"You are?" Gerard sighed happily, his headache ceasing. "Proud of me?"

"So proud." Frank nodded, squeezing Gerard softly.

"W-What did I do, exactly?"

It was silent for a moment, and Frank inhaled deeply before responding quietly.

"You killed her."

Panic.

"No, no, no, Frankie-" Gerard stuttered out, feeling faint at how fast his heart was beating. "I didn't- no- I didn't mean to-"

"Relax, baby, it's okay." Frank soothed, lifting Gerard's chin to kiss him properly. "Everything is going to be okay."

"W-Where is she?"

"In the backyard." Frank spoke softly. "We buried her under that big tree."

Gerard's stomach churned violently, the contents of Frank and his dinner rushing up with no warning at all; he grabbed the side of the tub quickly, pulling himself up over the toilet as the vomit spilled from his lips.

However in doing so, he realized how badly his hands burned, and when he eventually pulled away to look at them, he gasped so hard he choked on his saliva, causing another wave of vomit to spill.

His hands were slashed to hell, so deep in some places he swore he could see the tendons.

"Frank-" He gasped, choking in air as he gazed over his hands again. "How-"

"We'll fix it." Frank promised, grabbing onto Gerard's wrist to pull him upright as he pulled the plug on the bathtub. "Let's get cleaned up and I'll bandage it for you."

Gerard was sobbing uncontrollably as Frank turned the shower on, his body shaking violently as Frank tried to wash him clean.

Gerard followed him numbly after he was done bathing, allowing Frank to put some clean boxers on him, before bandaging up his hands.

The wounds were nasty, and Gerard tried to go to the hospital, but Frank insisted this would be fine, and it would heal within a few days.

Like always he trusted Frank, so when Frank told him to sleep in the living room, instead of the bedroom where everything happened, he agreed.

And after sobbing for at least another hour, Gerard fell asleep.

-

"Let me go!" She screamed, thrashing against the bed. "I'm not your mom, you're crazy!"

"Why did you lie!?" He cried, his body on top of hers as his hand collided with her cheek. "Everyone lies!"

"Help!" She cried, her face red. "Help!"

"Shut up!" He screamed, his hands instinctively wrapping around her throat, muffling her cries.

"Gerard." Frank suddenly spoke by his side, causing him to lessen his grip and look up at him. "Here."

Gerard grabbed the lamp that had cracked earlier, not even thinking as he raised it above his head, bringing the glass part down with as much force as he could against her face.

-

Gerard jolted awake on the couch, the blanket along with his boxers clinging to his sweat soaked body.

He fell to the floor, his body lurching forward as he dry heaved aggressively, every inch of his body screaming out in pain as he eventually collapsed on his side.

"Gerard-" Frank rushed to the floor, pulling Gerard into his lap. "Baby, breathe, it's okay-"

"It's not okay!" Gerard screamed, his head pounding violently. "I- I'm a murderer!"

Frank didn't respond then, he just held Gerard closely, trying to comfort him the best that he could.

"What am I gonna do?" Gerard sobbed, his chest tight. "I-I'm gonna go to prison-"

"No one knows." Frank whispered, kissing the top of Gerard's head. "No one knows what happened."

"But they will." Gerard whimpered, his body slowly losing consciousness. "I- I-"

He blacked out after that, the pain and exhaustion taking its toll on him, sending him into a temporary peace.

-

Gerard didn't go to work the next day, he was too afraid to even move, let alone allow someone to see him; it was very clear he was distressed, he didn't want people asking questions.

Plus he still hurt, he hurt so fucking badly in every way.

Physically, his body was suffering, it hurt worse than when he was raped as a young boy.

Mentally, mentally everything was scrambled, he couldn't think straight at all, and he kept having flashbacks of the night before.

Her screaming... it haunted him, the sight of the blood gurgling out of her neck taunted him, he couldn't escape it, no matter how hard he tried.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw the spurting of blood, every time there was a moment of silence, he heard her screams slowly morph into gurgling as she choked on her blood.

"Please, make it stop." Gerard whimpered, his fingernails digging into his scalp. "Please-"

To try and distract him, Frank turned on the T.V., but in doing so, probably making one of the worst decisions he had ever made.

"Missing woman-" The newsman's voice rang out, and Gerard looked up at the screen through teary eyes, her picture covering the screen.

Gerard watched anxiously, his curiosity about her child was too strong to force his attention away.

"Amanda Allen was last seen in the parking lot of the Al's grocery mart, in Downtown Brooklyn; Her son was found there late last night all alone, he is unharmed."

For the first time that day Gerard felt himself relax, but that lasted mere moments, because a second later, her family was on the screen.

A man holding the little boy, along with a young girl standing next to him, looked extremely distressed.

"Please, whoever you are, bring my wife home-" His voice caught in his throat as tears formed in his eyes. "We'll do anything, we just want her back, please, I'm begging you-"

"No-" Gerard whimpered, his eyes squeezing shut.

"Please bring my mommy home." The little girls voice rang through Gerard's ears, feeling like a knife to the chest.

She wasn't coming home, they would never see her again, and it was all Gerard's fault.

"Police are actively searching for the suspect, and are currently analyzing security camera footage from the scene-"

Everything stopped.

Security footage?

"F-Frank?" Gerard stuttered out, looking up at him as the T.V. cut to a commercial.

All the color had drained from Frank's face, and he stood there stiff as a board, staring at the T.V..

"Frank-"

"J-Just shut up for a minute-" Frank spat, clearly becoming angry. "Fuck, fuck, fuck-"

Frank being nervous made Gerard even more nervous, add Frank snapping at him, and he began to cry.

"This is bad." Frank ranted, starting to pace around the room. "This is very bad."

"M-Maybe if we tell them it was an accident-"

"No!" Frank snapped, storming over to Gerard. "There is no 'we' in this, Gerard, you did it, and when they come for you, don't you fucking dare tell them my name."

"B-But you-"

"You killed her! I didn't do anything!"

Frank always got defensive when he had actually done something, and Gerard knew that, so Frank had to be lying about something.

"W-What did you do?" Gerard stuttered, his body trembling violently. "Frankie-"

He never got his answer, because a moment later they heard several car doors closing.

They didn't have neighbors.

Frank rushed over to the window, peeking through the curtains before cursing under his breath.

"Gerard listen to me." He rushed over to him, his eyes serious. "You do not say a fucking word to those cops, you understand me? I will get you out of there, but don't say a word, especially not my name, do you understand me?"

"W-Where are you going-"

Loud banging on the door interrupted his sentence and he flinched noticeably as a deep voice called out his name.

"I love you." Frank spoke quickly, his lips attaching to Gerard's for a mere second before he ran out of the backdoor.

Gerard was shaking violently as the banging continued on the door, but he couldn't force himself to stand up, his legs would give out if he tried.

"We have a warrant to search the property, if you do not open the door right now we will bust it down."

And after about a minute, that's exactly what they did.

Gerard shrieked quietly to himself as the front door was busted off its hinges, his petrified eyes staring wide at the police officers who entered with guns drawn.

The guns were instantly on him as they spotted him, and he scooted back in fear, his hands raising high above his head defensively.

"Where is she?" One cop snarled, and Gerard opened his mouth to respond, when Frank's words rang through his head.

"Not one word."

He closed his mouth tightly, his eyes filling with tears as the cops surrounded him in his living room.

"Search the house." One ordered, while several others started rummaging through the house.

The cop who snarled at him stayed in front of Gerard, watching him while everyone else searched the house.

Gerard had never been so scared in his entire life, and there were some times he had been severely traumatized.

"Sir, you're going to want to see this." A voice called out, sounding like it was from Gerard's bedroom.

The cop ordered someone else to watch Gerard, and then entered the room, his steps stuttering at the scene he walked in on.

The bed was drenched in dry blood, the once white blankets a bloody red, random flecks of it all over the walls.

"Dear god..." he muttered to himself, investigating the scene some more, noticing the shattered lamp and bloody glass shards. "There's no way someone survived this... cuff him."

The scene had his stomach twisting violently, the stench making him light headed.

When the cop arrested Gerard he was very rough about it, and Gerard cried out in pain as he was yanked from the couch, his cut up hands being forced behind his back as they cuffed him.

His rights were read to him as they ushered him into the police car, but he couldn't hear them, he was too busy crying his eyes out, wanting to apologize and beg for forgiveness.

In his head he was screaming for Frank, he was screaming for Frank to come out and save him like he always did, but Frank had run away, Frank was gone.

The police officer driving the car tried to get him to talk, and Gerard knew he was trying to get him to confess to the crime, but Gerard would never betray Frank like that, Frank had told him not to speak, and he wasn't going to.

That didn't stop him from crying though, he cried silently the entire ride to the police station, which was surrounded by reporters at that point.

Question upon question was thrown at them as Gerard was dragged inside, but everyone ignored the reporters, just like Gerard was ignoring the cops.

He was locked in a grey room then, his wrists cuffed to the table as he was left alone.

There was a mirror in the room, and he looked at his reflection, grimacing at the sight before him.

He had never looked so awful before, his skin was ghost white, his eyes swollen with dark bags under them, his hair knotted and frizzy, his lips chapped.

How could all of this happen?

Things were suppose to get better after they got their house, they were suppose to get married, be happy, start a family; was any of that going to happen now?

Gerard was too weak to cry anymore, so instead he just stared at his reflection, not recognizing the man staring back at him.

Suddenly the door opened, and Gerard jumped in surprise, his eyes wide as a man in a white coat walked in.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Mathews, I'm going to look at your hands, if that's alright?"

Gerard swallowed hard and looked down at his hands, the bandages were gone, and the cuts were turning a disgusting green color.

He nodded weakly, and turned his gaze away, not wanting to watch as the doctor examined his wounds.

"Are you allergic to any medicine?"

Gerard shook his head slowly, avoiding eye contact as the doctor began cleaning his wounds.

"You're lucky I'm checking this out now, if you had waited any longer, they would have become infected." Gerard cursed in his mind at Frank, he knew he should have gone to the hospital. "How did you get these cuts?"

Gerard's eyes shot up at him then, realizing what he was trying to do.

They held eye contact for a second, but when Gerard refused to speak, the doctor continued cleaning the wounds.

"These need stitches." He explained, grabbing something out of his kit. "This might hurt."

Gerard would have rolled his eyes if he had the energy, nothing could hurt worse than the pain he was already feeling.

"Ow!" He cried out a few moments later, being wrong about the pain thing.

His eyes widened in fear when he realized he spoke, and he glanced around nervously, like the cops were going to come back in and shove him in a jail cell.

"I'll put some numbing cream on it." The doctor pulled away, reaching into his kit once again.

Gerard nodded idly to himself and turned away, resisting the urge to cry out as the doctor finished, because despite the numbing cream, it still kinda hurt.

His hands were covered in stitches by the time he was done, and he looked down at them with disgust when he realized the nasty scars that would stay in their wake.

He was left alone again for a long time, but when someone did finally enter, it was another person he didn't recognize.

"Gerard Way."

Gerard just looked up at him, what was he trying to do?

"Still not talking? Okay." He sighed dramatically, plopping down in the seat across from Gerard. "You're only making this worse for yourself."

Gerard furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at the table, was he making this worse for himself?

Would talking make things better?

"I-"

"Not another word." A female voice suddenly rang out, startling Gerard so hard he hit his knees on the desk. "I'd like to speak to my client alone."

The other man was clearly angry at her presence, but he greeted her warmly anyways.

"Mrs. Gates, lovely to see you again."

"Don't sweet talk me, let me advise with my client."

"As you wish." He sighed, standing up from his chair. "I'll be back."

Gerard looked over at her nervously as she sat down, wondering who she was, and why she was calling him her client.

"I'm your lawyer, I was hired by Mr. Jones."

Gerard's eyes widened dramatically, but he didn't say anything.

"Now, it was very smart not to talk to those men, but I'm your lawyer, I'm on your side, so in order to help you, you need to talk to me, okay?"

Gerard just stared at her nervously, Frank's voice repeating in his head not to say a word.

But he remembered in crime movies how criminals wouldn't talk to the cops, but would talk to the lawyers, and usually that helped them more than it hurt them.

Plus he was dying to talk to someone, dying to have someone help him.

So with a shaky breath, he spoke.

"Okay."

Chapter Text

"They found her body in your backyard, Gerard."

"I- I figured." Gerard stuttered out, his heart hammering in his chest. "W-What are they going to do to me?"

"They have a strong case against you, Gerard, we need to build a stronger one. Did she attack you? Was it an accident, maybe you two were having an affair-"

"No!" Gerard interrupted her, feeling offended she would even consider that.

She didn't respond, she just waited patiently for Gerard to continue, which took several moments for him to do.

He was trying to analyze everything, but he knew how he'd look if he told her what happened, he'd look crazy, which is one thing he was not.

"I thought she was my mom."

Mrs. Gates eyes widened in what could only be described as disgust, but she quickly recovered, and instead opened up Gerard's file.

"Gerard, it says here that your mother passed away in a car accident when you were-"

"No!" Gerard growled, his eyes now angry, his trust in her slipping away. "She didn't! She just moved away! Why does everyone keep trying to convince me she's dead?"

She seemed taken back at his outburst, but once again didn't react, instead she continued reading the file.

"It says you suffered a traumatic brain injury when you were younger... did you ever go to follow up doctors appointments? Ever see a therapist?"

"No." Gerard muttered. "After mom left, dad hated me, he took out his anger on me."

Her frown deepened as she looked back into the file, and sure enough he was taken away for child abuse.

"That must of been so hard on you." She whispered, but her compassion meant nothing to Gerard.

"It is what it is." Gerard muttered, wanting to cross his arms, but being unable due to the handcuffs.

The room fell silent then, but eventually Mrs. Gates stood up, letting him know she had to go do some things, and that she would be back soon.

He didn't respond when she left, but once she was gone he started wondering about Mr. Jones.

Why had he hired a lawyer for him?

His head was aching too bad to continue that thought, so instead he tried to rest his head on the table, surprisingly enough being able to doze off for a little while.

-

He was startled awake when Mrs. Gates returned, and this time, there was a man with her.

"He's on your side too, Gerard, and he's going to ask you a few questions, okay?"

Gerard swallowed hard and eyed the guy nervously, but nodded anyways, not seeing how this could possibly get any worse than it was.

"Tell me about your childhood, Gerard." The man requested, sitting across from him.

He frowned at the unnecessary question, but was too weak to question it.

"It was shitty." Gerard mumbled, his gaze on the table. "That pretty much sums it up."

"What made it so bad?" The guy pushed, pissing Gerard off in the process.

"What made it so bad!?" Gerard snapped, his eyes raging. "Oh, I don't know, maybe my father beating me? My mother leaving me, forgetting about me- making me live in a horrible place where horrible things happened-"

"What horrible things?"

Gerard inhaled sharply, his throat burning to let the words out; he had never told anyone but Frank this, and he was aching to.

"Mean people, mean people making me do things I didn't want to- t-things that hurt so badly-"

The guy and Mrs. Gates exchanged a look, before he spoke to Gerard again.

"Sexual things?"

Gerard didn't respond right away, his eyes focused on the table as those horrible memories flooded his mind.

It felt like yesterday he was forced to touch that boy, forced to put his mouth in dirty places... forced to let the boy violate him.

"Yes." Gerard whimpered, his tears falling freely now. "H-He raped me, h-he raped my mouth, my hand, my-my-"

"You don't have to continue, Gerard." The man spoke softly, and Gerard let out a shaky breath. "That's not in your file."

"I never told anyone." Gerard whimpered. "I just ignored it."

They shared another look then, but Gerard couldn't see it through his tears.

"Gerard... do you ever get angry for no reason? Perhaps you have episodes where you don't remember what happened?"

Gerard looked up at him nervously then, remembering all the times he had blacked out and came to with injuries to himself, wondering how the guy had known that.

"Sometimes..."

The man nodded and started scribbling on a notepad, making Gerard feel like a science project.

"Have you ever heard of PTSD?"

"I'm not crazy!" Gerard screamed, everything clicking into place then. "Is that what this is? You want to convince me I'm crazy?"

"No, no, of course not-"

"I'm not crazy." Gerard shook his head quickly. "The girl at my work thought I was, but I'm not, and I'm done talking to you."

They didn't push him, but they both left the room, leaving him alone once again.

Then they went into a separate room to discuss what they had just learned.

"What do you think?" She questioned as they sat down at the table. "Think we could plead insanity?"

"It's hard to tell, Gates, I only talked to him for a few minutes, a thorough psych evaluation could take hours, and he won't talk to me anymore."

"But based on what you heard... if you believe he's mentally ill, there's surely ways we could prove it."

"Base on our conversation, yes, I would say he was mentally ill, but I can't determine with what exactly, my guess would be PTSD and possibly even schizophrenia."

It went silent while Mrs. Gate contemplated what to do.

She was a very smart woman, and an even better lawyer, she could convince a jury of anything, and if this man was mentally ill, he needed help, not to be sent to prison.

"He mentioned a girl from work, if we could talk to her, maybe she would testify on his behalf, testify that he has shown signs of it before."

"That would help, yes, but first you need to prove there's probable cause for the witness, if there's no evidence that he's mentally ill- which he will probably hide as much as he can- the judge will deny witnesses, you need to prove to the plaintiff in order for it to be allowed."

She nodded idly to herself, her brain working at full force as she tried to think up a way to do that.

She thanked the doctor for his help, and told him she'd be in contact if she were successful.

Now she had to prove her case, prove Gerard was mentally ill and didn't realize what he was doing.

It was going to be easier said than done.

-

The plaintiff laughed in her face when she told them her case insisting Gerard was mentally ill, and that he needed help, not prison.

"Mentally ill my ass, he knew what he was doing when he kidnapped her, he knew what he was doing when he raped her, and he sure as hell knew what he was doing when he murdered her and buried her in the backyard!"

She argued about how Gerard had suffered a long life of abuse, and how that type of abuse leads to illnesses like that when not treated, which he wasn't.

She argued that he had never had a mental health check up, even after he suffered the loss of his mother, and how the system failed him for allowing him to roam freely in the world with that on his shoulders.

Her words meant nothing to them though, they wouldn't even listen to her; she'd have to show them Gerard wasn't well, they had to see it for themselves.

She didn't know how to do that though, her previous mentally ill clients had never hid it so well before, and she didn't know how Gerard did.

"If it's okay with you, I'm going to go question him now." The man scoffed, walking past her.

This was her chance, she had to bait Gerard into doing something crazy, or maybe she wouldn't have to, maybe the man who do it all on his own.

-

"Mr. Way." The man snapped, scaring the hell out of Gerard. "Why did you kill Amanda Allen?"

Gerard didn't respond, he just stared up at the guy nervously, who eventually sighed and sat down.

"Fine, we'll start from the beginning, why did you kidnap Mrs. Allen?"

Gerard looked up to Mrs. Gates, who shook her head, telling him not to answer.

So he didn't, and the man continued on.

"Why did you rape her, Gerard?"

"Excuse me?" Gerard choked out, his eyes wide in disbelief. "What are you-"

"Why did you rape her?"

"I didn't!" He exclaimed, his shock slowly turning into rage. "How could you accuse me of something so horrible!?"

"There were clear signs of sexual assault on her body, would you like to see the pictures?"

Gerard tried to look away as the pictures were revealed, but he couldn't, and his brain started to spin as his eyes landed on the picture.

He was right, it was clear she had been assaulted, but Gerard hadn't done it, he couldn't have.

"No-" He squeezed his eyes shut, his skull swelling as it spun. "No-"

"Why did you do it?"

"I didn't!" Gerard screamed, his eyes opening as his nose began to bleed. "I would never rape anyone!!"

"Then who did?!"

Gerard's mouth dropped open when he realized there was only one other person there.

Frank.

"No." He repeated, his eyes wide in disbelief as he shook his head violently. "No, he didn't-"

They were questioning Gerard, but he couldn't hear them, all he could think about was Frank raping that girl; he had to have done it, because Gerard sure as hell hadn't.

"No!" He screamed, refusing to believe the best thing that ever happened to him had done this. "He didn't do it!" He tugged violently at the handcuffs, slicing his wrists as he kicked wildly, trying to get away from the people throwing lies down his throat.

And before long, Gerard blacked out.

-

He ran from the room crying, his body drenched in fresh blood as he collapsed in the bathroom.

He waited for Frank to come after him, but he didn't for a long time, what was Frank doing?

What was he doing?

-

When Gerard finally came to, he was in a holding cell, and his body trembled violently from the fear.

He didn't know how he got here, and all he did know was he hurt, and he was freezing.

"Frank-" Gerard whimpered, trying to curl up in a ball for warmth. "Frankie-"

He was so desperate for Frank to come save him, but then again, he wasn't.

How could Frank do that?

How could Frank rape that girl, knowing Gerard himself was raped as a young boy?

He knew how much that hurt, and yet he still did it.

He had to of, because even though Gerard's memory was very spotty, he knew he hadn't done that.

After realizing there was a bottle of water in his cell, he shakily grabbed it, eagerly downing the liquid as it soothed his dry throat.

Everything he had gone through the past day had left him extremely dehydrated, and he almost cried out in frustration when the water was gone.

No one was around, and it was dark, it must of been the middle of the night, Gerard assumed.

Realizing it must be late, only made Gerard more fearful.

There was no way he'd be able to fall back asleep, especially not without Frank, which would leave him alone in this cell for god knows how long.

"Frankie please save me." Gerard whimpered, pulling his knees up to his chest. "I didn't mean to-"

He tried to resist crying, knowing his body didn't have the fluids to produce the tears, but it was so hard, he was so scared.

What was going to happen to him?

Was he going to go to prison?

People were raped in prison, he knew that, and he couldn't handle going through that again, not now, not ever.

He failed at not crying then, and spent the next several hours sobbing against his legs, whimpering about how sorry he was.

-

When the day finally came, Gerard found himself back in that grey room, the mean man sitting in front of him again, Mrs. Gates at his side.

Luckily Mrs. Gates had brought him more water, and even a snack after he almost fainted on the walk into the grey room.

"Who raped her, Gerard?" The man spoke, causing Gerard to flinch internally. "If not you, then who?"

Gerard refused to answer his question though, he wouldn't give up Frank, even if he had done something so horrible.

"There's DNA on her body, Gerard." He commented, and Gerard swallowed nervously. "When the results come back, we'll find out whose DNA it is, and if its not yours, you'll be charged with withholding information to a police officer."

Gerard didn't really know what that meant, but it sounded serious, and it scared the fuck out of him.

Maybe if he told him then he'd be able to see Frank again, maybe they'd both go to prison, but they'd be together at least.

Or maybe Frank ran away, maybe they would never find him and Gerard wouldn't get in more trouble, and Frank would get away.

He looked over at Mrs. Gates then, silently pleading for advice, and when she slowly nodded her head, he knew what he had to do.

"Frank." Gerard whispered, the word feeling like acid in his throat.

"Frank?" The mans interested perked immediately, his eyebrows rose curiously. "Frank who?"

"Frank-" Gerard squeezed his eyes shut tightly, feeling disgusted in himself that he was about to give Frank up. "Frank Iero."

The man looked over to the mirror in the room and nodded, making Gerard frown as he followed his gaze.

Maybe he was the crazy one, nodding to yourself in mirrors was not a normal thing to do.

"I'll be back shortly." The man spoke, standing up and leaving the room, leaving Gerard and Mrs. Gates alone.

"I think he's the crazy one." Gerard muttered. "Did you see him nod at himself in the mirror?"

She didn't respond to that, instead she questioned him about Frank.

"He's my boyfriend." Gerard mumbled, his gaze in his lap. "I don't want to believe he did it, but I didn't, I know I didn't."

"You did the right thing." She assured him, making him feel a little bit better about his decision. "Do you know where Frank is?"

"No." Gerard sighed sadly. "I wish I did, I need to see him."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because." Gerard breathed out dramatically, knowing she wouldn't understand. "For as long as I remember he's been there for me, and it's so scary that he's not here."

"I see." She mumbled, looking skeptical. "Well when they find him, I'll make sure you see him."

"Really?" Gerard looked up at her with wide eyes, searching for the truth in her eyes. "You promise?"

"I do." She nodded.

It fell silent then, and they waited patiently for the man to return.

Gerard didn't care to learn his name, he had mentioned it a few times, but Gerard didn't care enough to retain it.

He was mean, Gerard wasn't going to waste his time memorizing a mean guys name.

He held several folders in his hands, and he placed them in front of Gerard, opening each of them to reveal random pictures of men.

"Which one is he?"

Gerard frowned as he gazed over the pictures, none of them were Frank, none of them even resembled Frank.

"None of them." He mumbled, looking up at Mrs. Gates confused. "He isn't in there."

"These are all the 'Frank Iero's' in the surrounding area, Gerard." The man pushed. "He's one of them, and you better tell me which one he is right now."

"Could I talk to you outside, for a minute?" Mrs. Gates spoke, making the man let out a frustrated sigh before following her out.

Gerard stared at the table nervously, he had a bad feeling about all of this.

To distract himself, he continued to gaze over the pictures, wondering if maybe he had accidentally skimmed over Frank, but by the time the two returned, it was very clear he hadn't.

He looked up at them as they returned, and the man looked extremely skeptical, but didn't say anything as Mrs. Gates spoke.

"We found Frank."

"You did?" Gerard choked out, hope filling his every pore. "W-Where is he?"

"He's outside." She explained slowly, her eyes staying locked on Gerard. "He's going to come in and see you, okay?"

"Thank you!" Gerard sobbed, his heart swelling in his chest. "Thank you, thank you."

"We'll be outside." She replied, standing with the man, who muttered something under his breath as they left.

Gerard waited eagerly for Frank to come in, his neck strained so he could face the door.

"Frank!" Gerard shrieked as the door opened, his eyes filling with tears as the other rushed over to him. "Frank-"

"I've got you-" Frank soothed, wrapping his arms around Gerard tightly. "I'm going to get you out of here okay?"

"How?" Gerard whimpered, resting his head on Frank's chest. "T-They-"

"Just trust me, okay?" Frank whispered, lifting Gerard's head to kiss him. "I won't let them hurt you, okay? I love you, baby."

"I love you, too." Gerard cried, the thoughts of Frank possibly raping that girl returning to his mind, making him cry harder.

"What's wrong? What happened-"

"Did you rape her, Frankie?"

Frank pulled away instantly, the look in his eyes scaring Gerard into looking away.

"Why would you ask that?"

"T-They said she was raped, Frank, I didn't do it-"

"Well neither did I!" Frank screamed, making Gerard flinch violently. "They're trying to turn you against me, Gerard!"

"I saw the pictures." Gerard whimpered, his eyes squeezed shut. "She was raped-"

"No, she wasn't, those pictures were fake, they wanted you to believe she was."

"But I-"

"Baby, listen to me." Frank interrupted, looking serious all of a sudden. "You can't trust them, you can't trust any of them, okay, they're going to take you away from me if you do."

"No they won't..." Gerard whispered, his gaze low. "They won't because I told them about you."

Gerard had never seen Frank so angry after that, and he flinched violently as Frank began to scream at him.

Gerard thought he was doing what was best for them, even if they were lying about the rape, at least Frank would be in prison with him.

"It's like you want us to be separated, Gerard!" Frank yelled in his face. "I can't get you out if I'm locked up too!"

Gerard wanted to argue that he wouldn't be able to get him out no matter what, but before he got a chance to, Frank was leaving.

"They have nothing on me yet, they can't arrest me yet, and I have to go before they do."

"Don't leave!" Gerard sobbed, tugging at the handcuffs as Frank hugged him once more. "Don't leave me!"

"I'll come back for you, Gerard." Frank promised as he backed away from him slowly. "I love you."

"Frank!"

Gerard sobbed as the door slammed shut, his heart twisting and breaking in a way it hadn't before.

He screamed and kicked his feet, trying desperately to free himself from the cuffs, wanting to chase after Frank and run away together.

Mrs. Gates returned as soon as he started struggling, and forced him to calm down, threatening to sedate him if he didn't.

"Bring him back." Gerard sobbed, his eyes bloodshot. "Please, bring him back-"

"We can't."

Gerard continued to sob as he rested his head against the desk, his head pounding as he cursed everything; he needed Frank, he couldn't get through this without him.

And now he knew he couldn't trust Mrs. Gates, so the next time she tried to question him, he ignored her.

She tried for over an hour to get him to talk to her, and when he refused, she knew she had no other choice.

"Gerard, I have to tell you something." He didn't acknowledge her. "It's about Frank."

Finally Gerard lifted his head, eyeing her suspiciously, waiting for her to continue on with whatever she was going to say.

"This is going to be hard to hear, Gerard." She warned, her eyes cautious. "Frank... he isn't real."

Gerard just started laughing, really, all the people accusing him of being crazy really needed their own help.

Of course Frank was real, Gerard had touched him, kissed him, they had been intimate for crying out loud, Frank was most definitely real.

And Frank was right, like he always fucking was, Gerard couldn't trust this woman.

"Gerard... why are you laughing?"

"You're ridiculous, you know that?" He shook his head, still laughing quietly. "I really think you should see a doctor, you're seemingly more crazy than I am."

She tried to explain to him about how the traumatic events of his past could factor into him creating someone to comfort him, but Gerard wasn't listening.

Everyone always lied to him, everyone except Frank.

"He's real." Gerard snapped, getting annoyed with her ranting about how he was 'mentally ill'. "I know he is, I see him, I've felt him-"

"Has anyone else ever met Frank?"

"Frank has anxiety, he doesn't like new people."

She kept questioning him on Frank, but Gerard had an answer to every one of her questions.

There was no record of him because he was smart, no one saw him because of his anxiety, everything she questioned was answered by Gerard.

After about an hour of arguing, Gerard refused to speak once again, not wanting to waste his breath on the woman who was trying to convince him Frank wasn't real.

That made him so angry, how dare she try to convince him of something so horrible, just so she'd win a case?

She was a sneaky bitch, Gerard thought, and he didn't like her.

He laughed when she told him she was going to prove it, and just rolled his eyes as she brought a laptop into the room.

"You saw Frank earlier in this room, didn't you?"

"Yes, obviously, you fucking saw him come in." Gerard snapped. "You told me he was here!"

"Right." She nodded sitting the laptop in front of Gerard. "This is the security footage from this room when you saw him."

"Finally." He sighed, his eyes on the screen. "Can't wait for you to shut up about this."

She didn't respond, she just clicked play, watching as herself and the man left the room after informing Gerard Frank was there to see him.

Gerard watched eagerly, any sight of Frank would help him relax, even seeing him on a computer screen.

However, when Gerard cried out Frank's name, like he did when Frank entered, no one was there, the door didn't even open.

"H-How-" Gerard stuttered out, his eyes watching desperately as he talked to nothing, his body leaning into nothing when Frank was suppose to be hugging him. "How did you do this?"

Frank was there, Gerard had even kissed him, and even though he kissed nothing on the screen, he knew he had kissed Frank.

He had felt the warmth of his lips, the scent of his shampoo; there was no way Frank wasn't there, somehow they must of edited him out.

"He's not real." She whispered as the video neared the end, watching Gerard closely as he watched himself on the screen.

Gerard's anger bubbled up violently as he watched himself thrash at the table, his anger and confusion made his eyes blur at the edges.

"I- I don't know how you did that, but Frank is real, okay-"

"That's enough for today." She spoke softly, closing the laptop. "Let's get you back to your cell."

"I wanna go home-" Gerard whimpered, tears filling his eyes. "I need to go home with Frank-"

"The judge isn't granting you bail, due to the nature of your crime you have to stay here."

"Please." He cried out, the tears streaming down his face. "I'm so scared, I need Frank-"

He didn't like the look she was giving him, it was a mixture of pity and something he couldn't quite pinpoint; but she shouldn't be feeling sorry for him, especially when she wasn't going to let him out.

If she was so 'sad' about him, why wouldn't she let him go?

He cried the entire time he was escorted back to his cell, despite having all the other inmates laughing at him.

None of that mattered, the only thing that mattered was getting home to Frank.

Chapter Text

They took Gerard somewhere else.
He wasn’t sure where, but it was only slightly better than the jail.
Everything was so white, and clean, and there were too many people in white lab coats walking around.
Gerard hadn’t spoken a word since he was shown the video of himself talking to no one.
He didn’t trust anyone, or anything, not his eyes, not his voice.
His room was more comfortable there, and more clean, but extremely bare and boring. He was transferred early one morning, being awoken rudely by an employee at the jail before being ushered into a van.
They didn’t remove his handcuffs until he was settled in his room, and the looks everyone gave him made his skin crawl.
He couldn’t place the look, he couldn’t identify the emotion, but it disturbed him.
Gerard waited for Frank to come that first night, like he always had when Gerard ended up in a new scary place.
He never came though, and Gerard curled up on the bare bed, wondering why they had taken his blankets before leaving him alone, wishing Frank was there to keep him warm.
-
“You must be Gerard.” A woman spoke as Gerard was led into a secured looking room, the woman standing up from behind a large oak desk, and gesturing for him to sit down.
Gerard eyed the woman suspiciously as he sat down in the uncomfortable chair, his hair covering his eyes just enough for him to hide behind. “I am eager to get to know you.”
Gerard stared at her through the dirty locks, his lips tightening in a fine line.
“I hear you have a boyfriend, Frank?” She continued, catching Gerard’s attention. “Could you tell me about him?
Gerard frowned, everyone had been telling him Frank wasn’t real, and now this woman wanted to know about him?
He didn’t speak though, he just continued to stare.
“I am not happy about how this was all done, for you, Gerard.” She sighed, looking over his paperwork. “What happened…. Should have been addressed very differently.”
Gerard’s guard slipped slightly, not enough to speak, but enough to shake his hair out of his eyes.
“He’s really special to you, huh?”
Gerard swallowed hard and looked to his lap, his gaze settling on his plain white outfit he was forced to put on.
Then he nodded slowly, a lump the size of a jawbreaker forming in his throat, tears forming in his eyes.
“I would love to hear about how special he is.” She spoke softly, trying not to make Gerard feel threatened. “Where did you meet?”
Gerard frowned and crossed his arms, one hand raising to his mouth as he nibbled on the thumbnail, he thought hard, so hard his head hurt.
He closed his eyes in discomfort, his face distorting in pain as he fought to think back.
Frank was just there, he always had been.
Eventually the pain became unbearable, and Gerard let his head fall into his hands, clutching at his face as pain radiated throughout his skull.
“Hurts-” Gerard choked out, keeling over in his chair. “Make it stop-”
Suddenly he felt a sharp jab in his arm, and he pulled away in shock, eyes wide at a needle that was just removed from his arm.
“Hey-” Gerard tried to object, suddenly feeling a lightness to his limbs. “What-”
“It’s okay.” The woman spoke, thanking the man who had just injected Gerard with something. “It’s just a slight sedative, it won’t hurt you.”
Gerard blinked slowly, feeling his heart rate slow from the rapid pace it was once before.
“Why?” Gerard mumbled, his head feeling heavy.
“To help you relax.” She explained gently. “When you get too worked up, your brain-”
“I’m not crazy.” He snapped, fighting the sedation for just a moment. “You… you’re crazy.”
“Gerard, we’re going to run some tests on you, does that sound okay?”
He frowned and looked around, remembering he had no idea where he was, nor what these people wanted from him.
Before long he was loaded into a wheelchair, his body limp against the seat as he was wheeled out of the room.
He was aware of what was going on, but could hardly move his limbs.
He watched as he was wheeled past other rooms like his own, approaching two large doors that read ‘EXIT ONLY’.
Someone held a keycard up to a panel, and the doors made a loud buzzing sound before slowly opening to them.
Gerard groaned as the scent hit him, something his brain couldn’t place, but his nervous system definitely could.
Hospital.
“Not here.” Gerard groaned, his insides twisting against his will. “No-”
They didn’t walk long before they entered an elevator, and Gerard grew nauseous at the motion.
So many smells, so many motions, so many bright lights-
“Gerard Way.” The woman from before spoke. “Birth date 4-9-77.”
A man clicked away on a computer before motioning them to a door, and soon Gerard was pushed into a large room with a very large machine in it.
“We’re here for an MRI, Gerard.” She spoke, her hand gently on his shoulder. “This machine won’t hurt you, okay? It’s just going to take some pictures of your brain for us, okay?”
He lifted his head, confused, but found himself nodding anyway.
Arms were around him then, lifting him up and out of the chair, before raising his limbs up onto a body tray.
He wanted to fight as he was laid out, but his limbs refused, and before long the tray was reversing into the big machine.
Click click click click click click
“Frank-” Gerard grumbled, his eyes fighting the weight against them. “Help-”
It was a blur the rest of the evening, but eventually Gerard found himself back in his plain bed, alone.
He woke up feeling like he had been hit by a bus, and his limbs refused to work properly.
“Frank.” Gerard whimpered, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. “Why aren’t you here?”
“I am here.” A voice suddenly spoke, and startled Gerard who looked to his left, Frank standing on the other side of the room. “I’m always here.”
“Help-”
“Shh.” Frank soothed, sitting down next to him. “You’re okay.”
“They say you’re not real.” Gerard whimpered, his head resting against Frank’s touch. “But I feel you.”
“I know.” Frank sighed, his fingers threading through Gerard’s hair. “I know.”
Gerard didn’t understand what that meant, but just having Frank next to him had him relaxing and starting to drift off into a slumber.
“Don’t take them.” Frank whispered. “Don’t take the pills.”
-
When the morning came, and the nurse showed up to his room with the meds they had just started giving him; he hid them under his tongue, and the nurse didn’t even check.
They allowed him to have a paper cup in his room to fill from the water tank in the rec room, but instead of using it for that, he started hiding his pills in it.
The nurse was not thorough, or she just assumed Gerard was compliant because he didn’t fight it like some of the others.
Frank was there more often after that, and Gerard was glad he listened to him about the pills.
Everyone was watching him though, so when Frank was around, he had to be discreet about it.
Frank would mostly talk shit about the people around them, making Gerard smile or giggle here and there.
Frank had quite the feelings about the other patients, and when Gerard was forced to participate in group activities, Frank’s comments helped get him through it.
It was harder when he had his meetings with the doctor, he had found that out after the first one since the MRI.
Frank had scoffed when she began to explain to Gerard that he had severe brain damage, and Gerard had looked to him immediately, catching the attention of the Doctor.
“Gerard, is someone else here with us?”
Gerard’s attention had snapped back to her quickly, his face lack of emotion.
“No.” He lied easily, not wanting Frank to disappear again. “There’s a fly, what were you saying?”
She stared at him for a long while, and wrote something down in her notebook.
“The damage to your brain is very significant, Gerard, far worse than the scan after your accident as a child.”
“Okay.” Gerard responded blankly, not understanding what she was getting at. “Dad liked to throw things at me, tell me my big head was an easy target.”
“That must have been very hard for you.”
Gerard swallowed hard at that, the urge to spill just how hard it was threatening to flood out at any moment.
She hadn’t mentioned Frank in a moment, and Gerard’s guard was starting to weaken again.
Something about her, or maybe the way she talked to him, made him feel safe, and it wasn’t a feeling he was used to.
“Yes.” He settled for, his eyes settling in his lap.
“You were just a child, you deserved to be loved and cared for, not hurt.”
“Yes.” Gerard whimpered, his hands fisting together anxiously in his lap. “Yes.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Gerard.” She spoke softly, her voice genuine. “You didn’t deserve what happened to you-”
“No.” Gerard started to sob, shaking his head. “I just wanted my mom-”
The doctor handed Gerard a box of tissues, and he took multiple from the box, covering his face with them as he continued to sob.
He cried for a really long time, he wasn’t sure how long, but he couldn’t stop.
“I want my mom.” Gerard whimpered, pulling his knees up to his chest. “I- I thought I found her-”
“That must have been a relief for you.”
“No!” Gerard shouted, suddenly slamming his fists on the table causing an aid who was standing near the back to step forward. The doctor held a hand up to him, encouraging him not to intervene. “S-She had a baby, she left me for a new family-”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Hurt.” Gerard whimpered, slumping back into his chair. “W-Why would she leave me with him, why would she let him hurt me?”
She didn’t respond to him, she just let him sit there and whimper, giving him the space to feel his feelings.
She could tell it wasn’t something he had done often, really feel what his brain was telling him to feel.
“I don’t understand, and I don’t understand why I’m here.”
“Why you’re here.” The doctor started calmly. “You are being charged with a crime, but there’s evidence to believe you weren’t in control of your actions.”
“What?” Gerard breathed out, not understanding how that was possible. “I don’t understand…”
“I want to show you something, Gerard.” She spoke softly, clicking away on her computer. “It’s a picture of your brain.”
She turned the computer screen in Gerard’s direction, revealing the scans they had taken prior.
“Okay?” Gerard mumbled, looking at the screen confused. “I don’t get it.”
“And this is how your brain is supposed to be like-”
A scan of a healthy brain popped up next to the one of his, and he frowned when he immediately noticed differences.
“M-Mine doesn’t look like that one…”
“No, it doesn’t.” She agreed, raising her finger to point at his scan. “You see these marks?”
Gerard’s frown deepened as he nodded, his eyes not leaving the screen as she continued to explain.
“At some point, Gerard, you suffered a severe injury to this side of your brain-” She pointed at the screen with her pen. “The injury caused severe deficits in your-”
Her voice trailed off in his mind as he stared at the picture of his brain, not able to hear the words coming from her mouth anymore.
His brain was broken?
What did that mean?
What would Frank say about this?
Where was Frank now?
This was very clear to Gerard, his brain was not the way it was supposed to be- if those photos were real.
“I don’t understand.” Gerard eventually mumbled. “I-If my brain isn’t right, how am I alive?”
“The brain is a very strong organ, Gerard.” She began. “It can do more things than we know of- and some of the things we do know, it sounds like you might have experienced.”
“Like what?” Gerard began biting his nail, his curiosity taking over and letting his guard down. “How do you know what I’ve experienced?”
“Well, Gerard, I was hoping you could tell me about some of them.”
“But I-” Gerard winced as he tore the skin off his nail. “I don’t even know them.”
“That’s okay, Gerard.” She assured, her voice soft. “Would you be okay if I asked a few questions?”
Gerard looked at her defensively, his index finger pressing down on the cut on his thumb, what would that do?
“Why?”
“That’s a very good question, Gerard.”
Gerard found himself feeling his heart flutter with that phrase, he wasn’t used to people acknowledging him at all.
“Really?” Gerard mumbled, subconsciously seeking more of that praise. “It was good?”
“Yes.” She smiled sweetly at him, writing something down. “Asking questions like that is very smart, Gerard.”
“Thanks.” Gerard nodded to himself, his gaze on her desk now.
“And the answer is so we can see how these injuries have affected your brain, is that something you’d like to find out?”
Gerard didn’t respond right away, he just sat there staring at the desk.
Did he want to figure that out?
What if it was bad?
“I don’t know.”
The doctor assured him that it was okay, and told him that he had done a really great job and that they were going to be done for the day.
Gerard felt relaxed at that, he didn’t want to think about it much more at the moment, his head was starting to hurt.
To Gerard’s surprise the doctor suddenly revealed a roll of Disney stickers, and his eyes lit up when she offered him one.
There was no color in his room, at all, this sticker would bring him some form of enjoyment.
Gerard had to hide the smile on his face as he picked out one, not wanting the doctor to see how much of an effect it had on him.
She knew what she was doing though, and she knew how it made him feel.
That evening Gerard decided to eat his dinner in the dining hall with the rest of the patients, where he had previously been refusing to eat unless it was in his room.
He didn’t talk to anyone, or sit next to anyone, but it was a step.
-
Gerard traced his finger over the sticker he had placed on his wall by his bed, so he could look at it as he tried to sleep.
Suddenly the weight on his bed shifted though, and he turned to see Frank sitting at the end of it.
“Frank-” He gasped, sitting up to face him. “I’ve missed you-”
“Is she your friend?”
Gerard faltered at the question, not knowing the answer, but knowing the one Frank wanted to hear.
“No.”
“You kept her gift.” Frank pointed out, gesturing towards the sticker. “Are you going to tell her about me?”
“I-I-” Gerard stuttered out, his heart hammering in his chest. “What if she believes in you?” Gerard debated, hoping he could convince Frank to like her. “What if-”
“She won’t.”
“But how do you know?” Gerard whimpered, desperation taking over his features. “Why won’t she?”
Frank’s face became sad, more sad than Gerard had ever seen.
It made Gerard’s heart twist and ache in a way it never had before.
“You know why, baby.” He whispered, gently scooting closer to Gerard, his finger lifting the other's chin to meet his gaze. “You know.”
Before Gerard could process it, he was keeling over the bed, vomiting up the meal he had just had for dinner.
“I don’t.” Gerard whimpered, shaking his head. “I don’t-”
----

Chapter Text

Gerard didn’t dread going to see that woman anymore, in fact, he started to feel excited to have his daily chats with her.
He finally took the time to learn her name, it was Dr. Reese, and she always had Reese's candy on her desk.
When Gerard would answer a particularly rough question, she would reward him with any kind of his choosing.
The rough questions only came on occasion, not to upset Gerard.
He still wasn’t taking his meds, but she didn’t know that.
When she would ask about the meds, he would just nod and say he hadn’t felt much different.
Apparently that was normal, and the change would be gradual, which he supposed made him lucky, as no one would notice.
“Have you made any friends, yet, Gerard?” Dr. Reese spoke one session, causing the other to frown. “Making friends is very important.”
“No.” Gerard shook his head. “The people here are strange, and the guy who yells at the walls scares me.”
“Now, Gerard.” She scolded softly. “Remember what I told you about the other people here? They are not strange, they just need more help than others.”
“Still strange.” Gerard muttered under his breath, flinching slightly as she shot him a look. “I don’t know how to make friends.” He added, humility stinging at his core. “I only have Frank.”
“It’s been a little while since you mentioned him.” Dr. R spoke, scribbling on her notepad. “Do you want to talk a little bit about him today?”
Gerard swallowed hard, his stomach turning at the thought.
No, he didn’t want to talk about Frank, it was better when Frank was his own little secret.
“You must care deeply for him.”
“Well, he-” Gerard started before he realized it, catching himself and scowling at the doctor. “Why do you want to know about him so much?”
“It’s helpful for me to know those in my patient's life.”
“You’re going to tell me that I’m crazy.” He mumbled, his gaze in his lap. “I don’t want to hear that.”
“What if I promise not to?” She pushed gently, causing the other to glance up with his eyes. “I promise, Gerard, I won’t tell you that you’re crazy.”
He struggled to believe her, but so far she hadn’t hurt him, and she hadn’t called him crazy.
Maybe it would be okay to talk about him a little bit, he could always stop if he wanted to.
“O-Okay.” Gerard sighed, his head still lowered. “What do you want to know?”
“Thank you, Gerard, that is very brave of you.” She started, and his heart burst for a moment in his chest. He had never been called brave before. “What do you guys talk about?”
The burst in his chest calmed as he tried to think, mostly they talked about Gerard, or his feelings, or how he was going to keep a roof over their head.
“Me, I guess.” Gerard began, looking around the room as he idly searched his brain. “H-He really cares about me…”
“Yeah?” She scribbled on her notebook. “How does he show that?”
“He just knows when I need something, anything, a hug, food, to relax…”
Gerard trailed off at the last part, because how Frank helped him relax was not something he wanted to discuss with the doctor, and he hoped she wouldn’t mention it again.
That was wishful thinking though.
“How do you two relax?”
His face flushed a deep red, and he shook his head, covering it with his hair.
“This is a safe place, Gerard.” She reminded gently. “You can talk about anything here, okay?”
Gerard was mortified, but also slightly pulled to talk about it.
Nothing felt as relieving as these chats sometimes, and she really was so nice to him.
“Sex.” He whispered, shame suddenly filling his every pore. “He knows when it will help, and when it won’t…oh god.” Gerard covered his face with his hands, worry filling his body at what the doctor might think of this. “I- I-”
“That’s okay, Gerard.” She interrupted softly, causing the other to suck in a breath. “Sex can be a very beautiful thing, especially when both parties want to.”
She chose her words very specifically, due to the sexual assault on the victim, and Gerard’s blackouts, to see if it would stir anything inside of him.
It did.
His face scrunched up immediately, his eyebrows furrowed together as he remembered the times he had sex and didn’t want to.
The times when he was a kid, when it was not beautiful, not beautiful in the slightest.
“What’s on your mind, Gerard?” She spoke softly, leaning forward supportively. “You seem upset.”
“What about the times when one doesn’t want to?”
“Well.” She started slowly. “Those times can hurt us very much.”
Gerard didn’t know how to respond, but he felt seen, and he felt validated.
“They do.” He whispered, his gaze falling back to his lap. “They hurt worse than anything.”
“Does Frank ever have sex with you when you don’t want to?”
“No!” Gerard gasped in shock, looking up at her outraged. “Never, never, never-”
“I’m sorry, Gerard.” She apologized quickly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Frank saved me.” Gerard insisted. “He made him stop.”
“Made who stop?”
Gerard’s eyes widened when he realized what he had let slip, and the thought of talking about Joey made his insides crawl.
“I-” Gerard shook his head. “I didn’t mean that, I just meant-”
“Do you like dogs?” She suddenly interrupted, shocking Gerard into silence. “We have a therapy dog, which is a fancy word for a very friendly pup. Would you like to meet him?”
Gerard frowned at the sudden change of subject, but had to admit the draw of a dog did seem appealing.
Before he could respond she was on the phone, asking someone on the other line to bring ‘Muffin’ to her office.
What a strange name, Gerard thought.
It succeeded in distracting Gerard enough to calm down a bit, and before he could get lost in his panic again, a golden retriever entered the room.
The dog immediately walked over to Gerard and put his head in Gerard’s lap, his big brown eyes staring up at him thoughtfully.
“Oh.” Gerard sighed, his body relaxing as he reached his hands out to pet the dog. “You’re so soft.”
Gerard found himself getting lost in the soft fur, the softness between his fingers was so soothing.
Muffin climbed into Gerard’s lap, causing him to laugh and lean back in his chair, making space for the dog who was too big to be a lap dog.
“Wow.” He giggled, wrapping his arms around the dog as it settled in his lap. “Muffin is so cute.”
“Muffin is very helpful for when we need to discuss difficult topics, kind of like the candy, but a little more special.”
“I don’t like talking about sex.” Gerard admitted defiantly, his focus still on the dog. “Is it important?”
“Sex has a greater impact on our mental health than we think it does.”
“So what?” Gerard mumbled, fiddling with the tag on Muffin's collar.
“So, your mental health is in need of some help, and in order to help, we need to find the roots.”
“I don’t know.” Gerard grumbled, his walls starting to come back up. “I don’t know.”
“Can I ask you a question, and if you don’t want to answer it, you don’t have to, okay?”
Gerard looked up at her nervously, but found himself nodding his head.
“Was Frank the first person you’ve had sex with?”
A whimper escaped Gerard’s lips before he realized, and Muffin quickly began licking his face, succeeding in pulling him from a panic.
“H-He’s the only one I’ve wanted to have sex with.” Gerard spoke softly, his eyes fixated on Muffins fur.
“Earlier you mentioned Frank saved you from him, is ‘him’ someone you’ve had sex with?”
Gerard could feel his heart starting to pound in his chest, but he kept his focus on the dog, and the way her fur felt hypnotic between his fingers.
“It wasn’t sex like it is with Frank…” Gerard started slowly, his eyes closing against his will. “I-It hurt, and it made me bleed, and he never touched me the way Frank does, F-Frank made me feel good, too, he didn’t make me feel bad for-” Gerard paused, his insides churning at the thought. “For wanting it too…”
The doctor kept her composure, but felt her heart sink, her suspicions being confirmed.
Gerard hugged the dog, hiding his face against the dogs chest as Dr. R wrote down a few quick notes.
“He said I was gross.” Gerard mumbled against the dog's fur. “B-But every night, he came back and he made me do things, and I didn’t understand- I don’t understand-”
“That must have been so incredibly hard, Gerard.” Dr. R spoke sincerely, trying to be as delicate as possible. “May I ask how old you were?”
“Don’t remember.” Gerard mumbled, his face still hidden in the dog's fur. “He lived in the group home with me.”
The doctor’s eyebrow rose momentarily as she looked towards her computer, her eyes scanning Gerard’s record.
She had read it prior, multiple times, and there was an incident listed at that house with another boy.
Joey’s accident and then suicide.
There was no mention of sexual abuse in the file, but it noted there was another boy at the home who suffered that accident and fate, and how it may have effected Gerard’s mental health experiencing that at such a young age.
Then she thought about how Gerard had mentioned Frank saved him, and her stomach churned slightly.
“You were twelve.” She spoke softly, trying not to imagine the horror he must have been in. “That is already such a confusing age for our bodies, Gerard, I can’t imagine the pain that must’ve brought you.”
He looked up at her suddenly, looking for any signs of teasing, or humor, but he found none, only genuine sympathy.
“Yes.” Was all he could say at first. “B-But Frank, he stopped him.”
The stairs.
“There was an accident while you lived there, Gerard, a teenager was partially paralyzed.”
“He deserved it.” Gerard suddenly snapped, his eyes widening in shock at what left his mouth. “I mean-”
“It was him, wasn’t it?”
Gerard didn’t respond verbally, his eyes back on the dog as he slowly nodded his head.
“So mean.” Gerard whispered. “H-He would make me do things, but if I wanted to try those things it was wrong and I- I just wanted to feel good too-” Gerard shook his head. “If it felt good enough to hurt me over, i-it had to be something good, right?” Gerard looked up at her helplessly, shame filling his every pore as he admitted that.
“That makes sense.” She agreed softly. “It was okay to be curious, and I can’t imagine the confusion you must have felt when you were shamed for it.”
“Yes.” Gerard whimpered, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest. “B-But Frank,” Gerard sighed, resting his head against the dog. “H-He didn’t hurt me, and he didn’t make me feel bad- he made me feel good.”
“Frank let you be you.” She added, causing Gerard to look up at her in surprise. “That must have been very helpful for you during that time.”
“Frank is so helpful.” Gerard gushed, his attention switching to how much Frank had done for him. “I-” He paused, wondering if Frank would get upset at what he wanted to say next. “He made him stop.”
His heart sank a little at that confession, fearing the doctor would not like Frank after hearing about how he stopped him.
“That was very nice of him.” She spoke softly, careful to keep Gerard’s guard down. “Did it have to do with his accident?”
Gerard looked at her apprehensively, but seeing no judgement on her face, decided to continue.
“I woke up to screaming.” Gerard admitted quietly. “I- I think Frank pushed him down the stairs… but it was only because he was hurting me, really, really badly, and I know you’re not supposed to hurt others but I couldn’t take it anymore and Frank couldn’t bare to see me cry-”
He paused, fearing his admission to the doctor.
“Frank pushed him down the stairs?”
“We pretended it was an accident.” Gerard whispered, feeling in too deep to turn back now. “And when he still tried to hurt me with his words…Frank made him stop.”
Doctor Reese raised an eyebrow, glancing at his file that detailed Joey’s suicide.
“How did he do that?”
“He put a bunch of pills in his pudding.” Gerard answered without a beat, his eyes widening when he realized what he had just said. “I don’t-” Gerard started, his head starting to ache, not knowing where those words came from, or whose memory they were pulled from. “I didn’t know he did that-” He shook his head, trying to figure out how he knew that. “He must of told me-”
“It’s okay.” She spoke as he started to become overwhelmed, even though the sudden confession did shake her. “Take a deep breath for me, okay?”
While he did that, she quickly scribbled this new information down.
That boys death was ruled a suicide and it sounded like that was not the case at all.
“Frank said it wouldn’t hurt him too much, just make him sleep forever.” Gerard added, his heart rate slowing. “He wouldn’t even know, Frank said.”
“How did Frank know that?”
Gerard thought hard for a moment, trying to remember if he had asked for that information.
“T.V.” He realized. “He saw it on T.V.”
“Hmm.” She hummed, scribbling in her notes. “Were a lot of things Frank said, things he saw on T.V.?”
“What kind of question is that?” Gerard inquired, tilting his head to the side in confusion.
“A silly one.” She winked, scribbling in her notes again. “Has Frank had to save you from anyone else, has anyone else done those things to you?”
Gerard looked at her skeptically, not understanding the question.
“What that boy did to you at night, has anyone else made you do that when you didn’t want to?”
Gerard frowned and looked away, his chest tightening in further confusion.
His boss flashed to the front of his mind, and he felt embarrassed as his body reacted to the memories.
His face flushed, and his chest heaved, sometimes he didn’t want to… but sometimes he did.
That was bad, he thought, that was wrong.
“What’s on your mind?”
Gerard returned his gaze to her then, wondering if he should mention his boss.
“Sometimes-” Gerard mumbled, frowning to himself as he fought to find the words. “I- I did those things with someone else, and sometimes I wanted to, but sometimes I didn’t- and I know I shouldn’t feel that way but it just-”
“Hey,” she cut off softly, leaning forward to catch his attention. “Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid, Gerard. However you feel, it's okay.”
“Really?” Gerard whimpered, looking up at her hopeful. “H-He was just nice sometimes, and he-” Gerard gestured with his hand awkwardly, the other clutching onto the dog. “H-He would do what Joey wouldn’t, he didn’t always leave me hurting-”
“Who was this person, Gerard?”
“M-My boss?” Gerard answered unsure, not wanting to admit that. “At the office I wasn’t- I wasn’t good at my job and I just, I couldn’t get fired…”
“Oh.” She spoke softly, the upset clear in her voice.
“I’m so sorry-” Gerard replied instantly, mistaking her tone for disgust. “It’s just something I could do, I knew I could do it, even if it hurt and I-”
“Gerard.” She whispered, hiding her tone better. “Do not apologize for that, that wasn’t your fault.”
“But I offered-”
“A person in a position of power over the other, should never, ever, engage in sexual activity with someone below them in the workplace, and they should know that, not the newly employed.”
Gerard didn’t understand what she meant by that, so he just nibbled on his nail, waiting for her to speak again.
“I am not upset with you.” She added, causing him to look back to her. “I am mad at your boss.”
“No.” Gerard shook his head quickly. “He’s nice, really-”
“He can be nice and do bad things.” She spoke, glancing at his file. “Wait, is this the same man who paid for your lawyer?”
“Maybe.” Gerard shrugged, looking at the dog. “See, nice.”
The doctor didn’t want to push Gerard, as that would not help in any shape or form.
“I’m glad he was nice to you.” She spoke softly. “I think we’ve had a pretty good session today, don’t you?” She began, which is how she usually ended their time together. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay.” Gerard shrugged. “Confused, can I have candy now?”
“Of course.”
-
Gerard was really tired after that session with Dr. R, and he spent the majority of the next few days sleeping.
The only times he woke up were to eat, fake take his meds, and go to the bathroom.
The rest of the time he was snuggled up next to Frank, who rubbed his hair and kissed the side of his head.
He couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well, and it started to become addicting.
He didn’t feel anything when he was asleep, not confused, not scared, not sad, just nothing.
“I wish I never had to leave this bed.” Gerard whispered as he heard the dinner bell start to ring. “I wish I could lie here next to you forever.”
“Do you?” Frank spoke as he watched Gerard get off the bed. “Is it really what you want?”
“Of course it is.” Gerard smiled and leaned down for a kiss. “Everything is okay when it’s just you and me.”
Frank nodded and reached out to cup Gerard’s face, holding him there closely as he kissed him passionately. “Go eat.”
Gerard felt a bit uneasy at the look in Frank’s eyes, but obeyed without question, turning and heading out the door and towards the dining hall.
“Hi!” A young feminine voice rang out, stopping Gerard in his tracks as a woman named Lindsey jumped in front of him. “You haven’t been out much.”
“Okay.” Gerard mumbled, trying to walk past her, as she just followed.
“There’s ice cream cups tonight.” She continued, her hands folded behind her back. “Can I have yours?”
Gerard stopped and turned to face her, she smiled sweetly and tilted her head to the side, hands still behind her back.
She reminded Gerard of a child, but she wasn’t a child.
She was an adult, a fully grown adult, it just… didn’t seem like she knew that.
“Please?” She pleaded, leaning forward as she emphasised the ‘ease’. “I’m allowed ice cream, I am, finally, they didn’t let me have it for so long!”
Gerard’s eyebrow raised, but he started to feel sympathy for the woman, and she was being so polite.
“Okay.” Gerard repeated, and the woman squealed excitedly, practically pushing Gerard back in motion as they continued the walk.
“You’re the best, I knew you would be the best.” She started rambling, a slight skip to her step. “I know, you know? When people are not the best.”
Gerard didn’t respond verbally, but gave her a slight nod, feeling like no reaction was too insensitive.
She rambled the whole walk to the hall, and the whole time they were in line.
“You don’t have to stay in your room all the time, you know.” She stated matter of factly as she sat down next to him. “You can come play in the rec room.”
“How old are you?” Gerard spoke suddenly, not really thinking about his question before it left his lips, his curiosity taking control.
She didn’t respond verbally, but she looked at her hands in confusion, raising each finger as she tried to count, eventually giving up.
“Seven?”
Gerard looked at her skeptically, but didn’t respond, instead he just handed her his ice cream cup.
She deterred easily and excitedly took the treat, her focus turning to her meal (ice cream first).
Gerard didn’t understand, she was not seven, why did she think she was?
Luckily for Gerard, another patient seemed to catch her attention about half way through the meal, and she scurried away, leaving Gerard to his silence once again.
He watched as she talked some other woman’s ear off, wondering how that person seemed to handle it so well.
Instead of pondering it too hard, he finished his meal quickly, and decided to get back to his room before her attention returned to him.
Frank was waiting for him, an excited smile on his face.
“We can do it.” He said, patting the spot next to him. “We can stay in this bed forever.”
“Really?” Gerard grinned, joining him on the bed. “How?”
Frank smiled and pointed behind Gerard’s mattress, where he had stashed all the pills he pretended to take.
Gerard didn’t understand, but he retrieved them, the cup filled to the brim with pills.
“I thought they were bad?”
“Alone… they are, but all together…” Frank started, taking the cup and dumping them on the bed. “All together, they’ll let us be together, just you and me, no one else.”
Gerard’s heart raced at the thought, if there was anything he wanted more than his mother, it was to be with Frank.
Finding his mother was never successful, maybe being with Frank would be the first successful thing he's done.
“Just us?”
“Just us…” Frank whispered, gently scooping the pills into his hand, and holding them out to Gerard. “We’ll go to sleep, and it will just be us…”
“Just us.” Gerard mumbled, looking down at the pills now in his hand. “Just us.”
And then he took them.

Chapter Text

Beep Beep Beep...
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
"Unknown how long patient had ingested meds prior to discovery." Gerard could hear a voice say. "BP struggling to stay stable, HR lower than we'd like-"
Then no more voices.
Just darkness.
"Frank-" Gerard tried to whimper, not hearing any sound come out. "Frank-"
He said we'd be together, forever, in my bed-
"Oh, my sweet, sweet, boy." A feminine voice spoke, and Gerard felt himself being pulled into an open space, an infinity of white, it reminded him of his room.
Nothing but white, it looked as if you could walk forever and not make it anywhere.
"My baby."
Gerard's head snapped to the left, his mouth dry as he saw the woman he had been searching for his entire life.
"Mom-" He ran to her, no pain in his body as he landed in her arms. "Mom!"
"Shh-" She soothed, her hand rubbing his hair gently. "I've got you..."
"Where were you-" Gerard sobbed, his hands clutching her shirt, that was dampening due to his tears. "D-Dad-, mom-"
"I know." She whispered, pressing her lips to the top of his head. "I'm so sorry, Geebear."
Hearing her say his nickname healed something inside of him, it was like his heart was waiting to beat until it heard her voice say that word again.
"It's okay-" Gerard rushed out, pulling away to look at her, his hands holding her forearms like she'd disappear if he didn't. "It doesn't matter now; I'm with you now-"
She sat down on the bare floor, bringing Gerard with her as he cradled himself the best he could in her lap.
"It's not time." She whispered, holding him tightly, like she didn't want to say those words. "You have to go back."
"No!" Gerard gasped, pulling away from her in disbelief. "You're going to make me leave?"
"It's not up to me." She spoke sadly, her hands reaching out to cup his face. "Someday, it will be time, and I'll be right here waiting for you..."
"No, no-" Gerard sobbed, holding her hands against his face desperately. "Please, I'll behave-"
"You are the best boy." She insisted, kissing the top of his forehead. "Oh, my sweet boy, you didn't deserve this."
"Mom, please-" Gerard begged, burying himself against her chest. "Please don't make me go-"
"I am always with you, geebear, please remember that."
Gerard could feel an unfamiliar force tugging at him, and no matter how tightly he held onto his mom, she was suddenly out of his arms, and the room was going black again.
-
"Organ function is improving, medically induced coma successful at letting his body rest, HR strengthening."
He could hear things randomly, things he didn't understand, from voices he wasn't familiar with.
He pleaded for his mom to return.
His body felt dry, and as desperately as he tried to stretch out his limbs, his body refused.
On occasion someone would say something negative about him, about how he had murdered that woman in cold blood, and how her family was suffering because of him.
Hearing those comments brought him physical pain, he didn't mean to hurt her, he didn't even realize he was.
Sometimes he would hear Dr. Reese though, and she always stood up for him, reminding whoever was negative that his brain does not work properly, and the trauma he endured as a youth significantly altered the chemistry of his brain. They could feel sorry for the family, but they were not to blatantly demean Gerard, it was not in his control.
He felt better when he heard her voice around.
One day though, another somewhat similar voice rang out, and Gerard strained to figure out who it was.
"These machines keep him alive?" The timid voice spoke. "He looks dead."
"Lindsey." Dr. R scolded softly. "He's in a medically induced coma, do you remember what that is?"
"Nope." The voice rang out again, and suddenly the weight shifted on his bed.
"Be careful, I know you're worried about him, but he needs his space to heal."
Lindsey had sat at the edge of his bed, leaning forward to examine the tubes and cords that seemed to be coming out of every hole on Gerard's face.
"I'm glad he's not dead." She whispered and gently grabbed his hand. "I was so so so scared when I went to play-"
"You were so brave." Dr. R insisted. "If you hadn't gone to see him, we might not have found him in time."
"What was happening to him?"
"He was having a seizure when you found him..." Dr. R tried to explain delicately. "The things he ate, they made his body really, really, upset."
"I hope he can play soon."
"Me too."
-
The sounds of the machines were driving Gerard bonkers, they went off at all hours, and when they did, suddenly a bunch of hands would be on him and he didn't like it.
This wasn't what Frank said would happen.
Where was Frank?
"System responding well to new meds, organ function nearing full function."
Open your eyes, open your eyes.
-
He couldn’t tell how much time had passed, or what finally did it, but eventually, Gerard felt his crusty eyes begin to open.
It took every ounce of strength in his body to force his eyes open through the sleep that had settled between his lids; and when he finally did, he closed them tightly again, avoiding the brightness that seemed to be Xraying his brain.
“Gerard?” A familiar voice rang out, one that didn’t have a face to it. “Are you awake?”
He couldn’t stand the pain of the light again, and couldn’t find his voice, so he tried to flick his hand, showing some kind of response.
“You’re going to be in some pain-” and like a cue, pain radiated throughout Gerard’s insides. “Don’t overwork yourself, I’m going to put a straw to your lips, try to drink some water, okay?”
Gerard felt something press against his lips, and he parted them gently, letting the straw be pushed between his teeth.
When the water hit his mouth, it was the most soothing sensation he had ever experienced.
His mouth had been so extremely dry, and the water doused the desert that had begun to form in there.
“You’re in the hospital.” The voice started. “You almost died.”
Died?
Gerard didn’t understand that, he didn’t want to die, he just wanted to be with Frank, that was all.
He wasn’t supposed to almost die, he was supposed to remain in that bed with Frank, forever.
A beeping in the room suddenly got louder and faster, and Gerard didn’t feel very good.
“Try to relax.”
Frank.
He thought of Frank holding his hand, he thought of Frank kissing his forehead.
“Good. I’m going to turn the lights down, if you can open your eyes.”
Gerard could see as the light darkened behind his eyelids, and he tried to open them once more.
It hurt even with the light down, but not worse than before, so he was able to slowly adjust to it.
The voice turned into a figure, and after a few more moments, a man.
Gerard’s doctor.
“We were worried about you for a moment there.”
He held a cup and straw up to Gerard’s mouth again, and he was able to take a better drink this time.
“You took quite a bit of medication all at once.” He tilted his head to the side. “Do you remember that?”
Gerard nodded weakly, wincing at the stiffness in his neck.
“Did you know what they were going to do?”
Gerard tried to shake his head confidently, but didn’t have the strength, and instead found himself whimpering and closing his eyes again.
“You need to rest.” The doctor insisted. “We will talk some more later, go ahead and rest your eyes.”
Gerard didn’t need to be told twice, and after a few moments, he had fallen asleep.
-
It was more annoying being conscious.
The nurses were constantly checking on him, or making him do gentle stretches in his bed.
He hated those, his muscles had never hurt so badly in his entire life.
He couldn’t get up to go to the bathroom, so his urine catheter remained, and Gerard hated that most of all.
There had been a few people in his room when they thought he was sleeping, and he heard them talking about his ‘new medication plan’, and how it should stop his hallucinations.
He really wished he knew what that word meant.
He would have to ask Frank, next time he saw him.
Some of the nurses were not very nice to him, they were not gentle with him either, even when he practically begged them to be.
Gerard didn’t know it, but luckily it was the weekend, which meant Dr. R would be back at work, and she was always nice to him, and she made others be nice to him too.
He had woken up on a Friday evening after she had already left for the day, and she was not due back into the office until Monday.
It was practically open season for Gerard between those two days.
Gerard wasn’t used to being excited to see people, but when he saw her face that morning, that new sensation took over his senses.
That is until she spoke.
“Oh, Gerard.”
She was upset.
“I’m sorry.” Gerard whimpered, not wanting to upset her. “I- I didn’t understand, Frank said-”
“It’s okay.” She spoke softly. “How are you feeling?”
“Confused.” Gerard mumbled, avoiding her eye contact. “I don’t understand why I’m here.”
She nodded slowly and looked deep in thought.
She had to choose her words carefully, and she did so very slowly.
“You almost died.” She decided to use, speaking very softly. “Those pills you took they almost stopped your heart.”
Gerard couldn’t quite pinpoint what he was feeling as he processed those words.
Were they true?
Why would Frank want him to die?
“Sometimes… when someone has the damage your brain has, they may suffer from suicidal tendencies, and if you were trying to stay with Frank… that may be the only way your brain saw possible.”
His head started to hurt and he closed his eyes tightly, none of this made sense to him, none of it at all.
“Don’t worry about that right now.” She insisted. “Can you take a few deep breaths for me?”
Gerard didn’t want to, but he followed her instruction and copied her breathing, eventually feeling the tightness in his chest ease.
That’s when Gerard noticed a piece of paper on the tray table by his bed, it was a print out coloring sheet, done very messily.
The doctor informed him that Lindsey had drawn that specifically for him, and she made it special to help him feel better.
Gerard looked at the doctor skeptically, not understanding why Lindsey would have done that.
“She’s quite smitten with you, Gerard.” She smiled softly, handing him the drawing to look at more closely. “She is very worried about you.”
“Why?” Gerard spoke defensively, resisting the urge to crumple up the paper in distress. “She doesn’t even know me.”
“She’s very intuitive.” The doctor shrugged. “Maybe she can tell you need a friend.”
“I don’t-” Gerard started to argue, but then realized he didn’t understand why he wanted to argue. “I- I-”
“Would you be open to telling her thank you?”
Gerard returned to skeptic, but a small part of him seemed to burn inside, maybe he did want a friend.
He couldn’t respond verbally, so he just nodded his head slowly, his toes curling with anxiety as he watched the doctor leave his room.
After a few moments she returned with Lindsey trailing shyly behind her.
“You can go say hi.” She whispered to Lindsey, gently guiding her arm towards Gerard. “Speak softly.”
She wandered up to Gerard with the saddest look on her face, her hands folded in front of her as she sat in the chair next to his bed.
“You scared me.” She eventually mumbled, looking to her lap. “I came to see you and-”
She frowned deeply, the memory of finding Gerard in the midst of a seizure after taking all those pills filling her senses with dread.
“Why?” Gerard whispered, desperately trying to figure out why this person had any interest in him at all.
“You’re a good one.” She stated seriously, looking him dead in the eye. “There’s not enough good ones…”
Gerard didn’t understand how she could say that about him, not after what he did to that woman.
He couldn’t be good, not after that.
“You are.” She argued, even though Gerard hadn’t responded. “I’m not wrong about people.”
He looked at her skeptically, not sure what to say next, but knowing not to argue with her.
“Thank you for the drawing.” He responded softly, looking over at it. “That was very nice of you.”
Lindsey beamed and nodded eagerly, giving it a look over herself.
“It will help you heal.” She nodded seriously. “I promise.”
“I will keep it close, then.” Gerard whispered softly, even though he didn’t necessarily believe her. “Thank you, Lindsey.”
“You can call me Linds.” She stated matter of factly, which seemed to surprise the doctor. “When you feel better, do you think we could play? I really like card games and also make believe, do you like make believe?”
“I don’t know.” Gerard mumbled honestly. “I don’t think I’ve ever played with anyone before.”
She looked at him confused, and then over to the doctor, who seemed to send her a specific look back, as if warning not to argue that.
“We will play so much.” Lindsey insisted, gently reaching out and squeezing the top of his hand. “Everyone deserves to play.”
Gerard didn’t respond, he just stared at her dumbfounded, but also a little excited.
Card games with Lindsey sounded pleasant, and it gave him a sensation in his chest that he wasn’t used to.
It was something to look forward to.
After that it was time for Lindsey to return to the proper ward and give Gerard a break from interaction.
As she walked through the door she turned and gave him a small wave, and he found himself mimicking the motion, waving back at her.
With the doctors back to him, he smiled to himself, a warmth filling his chest that used to feel so empty.
He also remembered where they were though, and concern overtook when he realized if she was here, something was wrong.
Did she do something like Gerard had done?
Was her brain messed up too?
“What’s wrong with her?” He found himself asking the doctor, coming off completely insensitive. “Why is she here?”
“Now, Gerard.” She stated sternly. “It is not polite to ask what is wrong with someone, and why she is here is none of your business.”
“Is she dangerous?” Gerard wondered out loud. “Am I dangerous?”
The doctor was surprised by these questions, and luckily Gerard was too deep in thought to notice, otherwise he might have panicked at her hesitation.
At that point she decided it would be best to let Gerard rest, and insisted he had done a really good job but now it was time to give himself a break so he could continue to heal.
He was left there frowning to himself, too many questions flooding through his mind to process any single one properly.
So many feelings too, feelings he didn’t quite understand.
It felt like Lindsey cared, really cared for him, and he wanted to let her in, but another part of him was absolutely mortified about making a friend.
Not only could he not remember the last time he made a friend, he was afraid of what a friendship was, and the power it gave someone over you.
What about his past? What if she found out about that and thought he was gross?
Or worse, what if she was scared of him?
She had the sweetest, most innocent face he had ever seen; he couldn’t bear imagining making that face fearful.
These thoughts eventually put him to sleep, and he found himself dreaming about playing card games with Lindsey.
In the dream Lindsey had to teach him how to play, and it embarrassed him greatly.
When he saw his doctor the next time, he asked her if she would teach him how to play, so he would be prepared when it came time to play with Lindsey.
It was more frustrating than he had anticipated it to be, and he often found himself tossing the cards on his bed angrily.
Eventually a nurse joined them, and she sat with Gerard to try and help him understand better.
That proved to be more productive, and Gerard eventually found himself smiling as he caught onto how to play.
It kind of made his brain ache, but in a good way, almost a satisfying way.
It made his brain work in ways it hadn’t before, but in ways that made him start to feel a bit normal.
He found himself even laughing, the sound causing his chest to vibrate happily, sending a warmth through him that he wasn’t used to.
By the end of that day he was much more confident in his ability to play card games, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Never realizing Frank hadn’t been around.
When he awoke the next morning, he was giddy with excitement, knowing he got to play those card games with Lindsey that day.
He was promised she would come by after breakfast to play, and all he could do in the meantime was stare at the clock.
It was currently breakfast time, and he picked at his soggy cornflakes as his stomach protested any food that early.
He wasn't used to eating in the morning.
Tick, tick, tick.
"Gerard!" An excited voice rang out, and Gerard caught himself smiling as he heard the familiar voice. "Are you ready to play?"
Gerard nodded slowly as Lindsey rushed into the room, several decks of cards in her hands.
He was surprised when she climbed onto his bed and sat at the foot of it, a silly grin on her face as she laid out their options.
She began to tell him about all the different games she brought, and which ones were her favorite.
He grew nervous realizing he only learned how to play one of those games and hoped Lindsey wouldn't notice.
That was wishful thinking though, because it seemed Lindsey noticed everything.
"It's okay, I'm a good teacher." She insisted, not even mentioning his worry out loud. "Don't be worried, I only bite bad people."
Before Gerard realized it, a laugh had torn its way through his throat, feeling something, he wasn't used to, amusement.
Lindsey just nodded seriously and pulled out one of the decks of cards, and the two of them found themselves lost in games for hours.
When Lindsey had to return to her own room, Gerard felt strange as he processed the day before him.
Had he made a friend?
What even was a friend?

Chapter Text

Gerard decided to tell Lindsey about Frank.
He was still very limited on what he was allowed to do, but he had finally been moved back into his original bedroom, and no longer had to deal with the random mean nurses in the hospital.
They tried to put him back on the routine he was used to prior, which was communal living, group sessions with other patients, and his one on ones with Dr. Reese.
It also included him taking his medication for real, and the nurses being extra thorough when checking. They gave him no chance to hide them.
The new addition was playing games with Lindsey after lunch, and it was quickly becoming Gerard’s favorite time.
There was something about her energy that just made him feel safe, and even though he was pretty sure she was cheating with cards, no one had ever made him feel this way.
She didn’t seem to let anything bother her, and Gerard envied how she walked to the beat of her own drum.
“Where is he?” Lindsey frowned, looking around the empty room aside from a nurse or two gameroom. “I don’t see anyone.”
“Not right now…” Gerard started quietly, tilting his head down. “I don’t know where he went exactly, but he used to always be here…”
“Hmm.” Lindsey mumbled to herself, eyeing their tic tac toe board. “I knew someone like that, he knew everything.”
“You did?” Gerard startled, eyes wide. “What happened? Do you still get to see them-”
“They’re gone.” She started blankly, placing her next move. “Gone, gone-” Her tone started to rise, her features twisting up in anguish. “Better gone.” She nodded to herself, like she was trying to believe it.
“What?” Gerard started, but paused as Lindsey looked up at him. “I don’t-”
“Is he nice?” She whispered, her head sunken low. “Your friend?”
Gerard stared at her in confusion, his head beginning to ache with questions.
Like they were being watched though, suddenly Dr. Reese appeared with a friendly smile on her face.
“I brought you something.” She smiled at Lindsey, holding out a juice box. “Grape, your favorite.”
Lindsey lit up immediately, a smile tearing its way across her face as she accepted the box eagerly.
“Gerard, could I have a minute?”
Gerard nodded slowly as he still gazed at Lindsey, only returning to reality as the doctor gently touched his shoulder.
Without argument Gerard rose to his feet and followed her out of the game room, and into the privacy of his own.
“I didn’t mean to upset her.” Gerard insisted, worry filling his senses. “I- I just wanted to tell her about Frank…”
“You’re okay, Gerard.” She smiled softly, gesturing for him to sit at the edge of his bed. “There are some things I need to tell you about Lindsey.”
“Oh…” Gerard mumbled, his stomach sinking to his feet. “She is dangerous, isn’t she?”
“Like you…” she started, trying to find the most delicate way to phrase this. “She can sometimes have unpredictable episodes, and one of her triggers is a man from her past.”
Trigger. Gerard had heard that word mentioned to him in one of his solo sessions, he had learned it meant your brain got really upset, and you couldn’t quite control what happened after trauma is triggered.
“I can’t give you details, but you and Lindsey are very similar in the sense that someone who was supposed to care for you, and keep you safe, didn’t.”
“I- I don’t talk like she does.” Gerard pointed out, wondering why she seemed so young, and he seemed his age. “Why?”
“Well.” She started, nodding her head. “That’s a very good question, and the answer is, her brain didn’t make it past a certain developmental point.”
Gerard looked at her like she was speaking gibberish, none of this made sense to him at all.
“The damage inflicted upon her brain, due to whatever she went through, stunted its growth.”
“Damage on her brain?” Gerard repeated, having heard that about himself. “Did she get hurt-”
“I can’t tell you that, just like I can’t tell her what you went through.” Dr. Reese sympathized. “When you mentioned that Frank was always around, it might have triggered that memory for her.”
“A bad memory?” Gerard frowned, an ache in his chest. “I didn’t mean to.”
“I know you didn’t.” She assured him. “And no one is upset with you, I just wanted to warn you why certain things may upset her, do you understand?”
“I think so…” Gerard mumbled, that ache still present in his chest. “I- Is there anything I can do to help her when she gets upset?”
Dr. R’s eyebrows momentarily rose in surprise, but she quickly composed herself, shocked and satisfied over the fact that her patient was showing an uncommon gesture towards another, compassion.
“That is very kind and brave of you, Gerard.” She praised, earning a small smile in return. “Ask her about her favorite painting.” She smiled at Gerard’s confusion. “Her favorite topic is painting, you bring that to her attention and it will slowly take all of it and calm her down.”
“Favorite painting.” Gerard repeated to himself, trying to plant it in his memory. “Favorite painting.”
-
The next day was craft day, and Gerard eagerly grabbed all the paints before anyone else could.
There was something inside of him that needed to get out on paper, or canvas, and he was desperate to get it out.
His hand took motion without much thought, his feelings fueling his motions rather than his thoughts.
Bright colors are what splashed the canvas, green, purple, and blue.
A flower.
A giant, abstracted flower.
He smiled at his work as he eyed Lindsey across the room, she was cutting out shapes on construction paper, looking like she didn’t have a care in the world.
Gerard envied that.
Her eyes met his suddenly, and she furrowed her eyebrows, silently questioning why the other was staring.
When he averted his gaze, her curiosity grew, and she rose to her feet to approach him.
“No!” Gerard gasped defensively, trying to shield her view of the painting. “Don’t look, it’s a surprise!”
“A surprise?” She pressed eagerly, a toothy grin breaking across her lips. “For me?”
“Yes, so go away!”
She interlocked her fingers behind her back and joyfully skipped away, leaving Gerard to sigh in relief.
This felt important to him.
He continued his work on the flower, smudging the colors and creating new ones.
She will like this, he thought to himself.
When he was finished, he placed it at the very top of the drying rack, so hopefully no one would ruin it while it dried.
“Can I see it now?” Lindsey suddenly appeared, startling Gerard into cursing loudly. “That’s a bad word!” Lindsey gasped in disgust.
She grabbed Gerard’s wrist and began yanking him from his spot, dragging him out of the craft room and towards his bedroom.
He stumbled and followed her with confusion, not wanting to upset her by protesting.
“That was naughty.” She scolded, shoving him into his room. “If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t get dinner!”
Rules?
Gerard didn’t know how to respond, so he sat at the edge of his bed, staring at someone he didn’t recognize at the moment.
There was something gone from her eyes, she was somewhere else.
“What rules?” Gerard dared to whisper, his heart racing in his chest. “C-Could you remind me?”
“No back talk.” She started like a robot, her posture straight as a board. “No bad words. No complaining. No crying. No screaming. No ‘no’s’ to daddy’s friends. Only yes sir. Only yes sir-”
She tilted her head to the side as she repeated that last part, like it was stuck on repeat in her head, like someone engrained it so deeply it shook her to her core.
“No back talk.” She repeated, starting on her list again, only this time more agitated and twitchy. “No bad words-”
Gerard realized she must be getting lost in her trigger, and desperately racked his brain over his conversation with Dr. R. and how to help Lindsey.
“What’s your favorite painting?” Gerard suddenly interrupted, and Lindsey’s posture visibly softened, although she looked confused.
“N-No complaining-”
“Painting.” Gerard whispered softly, causing her eyes to meet his. “Tell me about it.”
“A boat.” She choked out, shaking her head before slowly walking with her feet dragging and sitting down next to Gerard. “In the sea, with a big giant sun in the background. Far away.”
“What color is the boat?”
She turned to face him, the familiar look slowly returning to her eyes.
“Black.” She nodded seriously. “The best color.”
“I agree.” Gerard nodded in agreement, letting his upper body fall back onto his bed. “The sun?”
“Red, orange, yellow-” Lindsey sighed dreamily, falling back with him, so they lay side by side.
They lay there together as Gerard asked any question he could come up with about the painting, and Lindsey answered each one like she had considered all those questions previously to great extent. He felt so content there with her, even though she had just scared him pretty badly, she reminded him of himself, and all he ever wanted was a friend.
Dr. Reese had been monitoring their engagement the entire day, not that either of them had noticed, and was pleased to see Gerard being able to calm Lindsey down.
Understanding and not reacting badly to these things really helped each patient's growth, and she hoped the two would benefit greatly from each other.
She was proud of Gerard for not asking further questions once Lindsey began to get upset, most patients continued to question her, and it only made her more frustrated.
She believed she was back where she was conditioned to behave a certain way, not only conditioned, but beaten and starved into behaving a certain way.
She needed patience and Gerard seemed to have a lot of it.
And Gerard needed a friend, and a friend is what Lindsey so desperately wanted to be.
-
The next session he had with Dr. R was a bit rough, because she wanted to talk about why he had taken all those pills.
Eventually she explained that Gerard must have learned subconsciously what would happen if he took all those pills, and his psyche made it Frank’s idea rather than his own.
He could have learned it anywhere without realizing it, hearing it in the background of a T.V. show, falling asleep to a T.V. show, hearing an ad on the radio, all these were times our brains picked up information we didn’t remember.
Since he wanted to be with Frank, and his brain had learned somewhere in the past that this was a way to do that.
“Frank only did what I wanted?” Gerard frowned, trying to understand. “B-But sometimes he’d get upset-”
“Frank’s actions fed off of your feelings.” She clarified. “When he would get upset, how were you feeling beforehand?”
Gerard sat back and tried to remember, and his stomach churned when he realized he was almost always worried before Frank reacted negatively.
“So, when I’m happy, he’s happy?” Gerard spoke aloud. “When I’m sad, he’s sad?”
“Kind of.” She continued. “He is who you expect him to be.”
“I don’t understand.” Gerard grumbled, his face resting in his hands. “I-It’s like we’re the same person.”
Dr. R didn’t respond, she sat quietly and let the wheels turn in Gerard’s head.
“We’re the same person?” Gerard whispered, fear creeping along his skin. “That’s why people say he’s not real?”
Gerard was significantly better medicated than he had been any other time they had talked about this, and his ability to process these things without a meltdown was improving.
“But I could feel him.” Gerard whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. “I- we- he-”
“The brain is a very, very, powerful thing, Gerard.” She responded quietly. “He was what you needed him to be… when you were sad he was a friend, when you were vulnerable he was a hero, when you felt basic human desires, he satisfied them.”
“Why?” Gerard whimpered, his head aching as scenes of their past played behind his eyelids. “Why me?”
She pulled up his brain scans again and circled specific spots on it, trying her best to explain to him what caused him to start seeing Frank.
It was extremely complex though, it wasn’t an injury alone, it was an untreated injury with neglect and abuse on top of it.
“You know how Lindsey seems very young?” Gerard nodded. “Her brain did that as a defense to what was going on around her. Your brain, in response and defense to what was going on around you, brought you Frank.”
“Lindsey.” He repeated, peace filling his senses as an appreciated feeling. “Lindsey.”
“Do you want to talk about her?” Dr. R suggested, noticing Gerard’s lack of direction. “You two seem to have become great friends.”
“She did something strange the other day.” Gerard realized. “She told me I broke the rules and had to go to my room, a-and when I asked her about the rules…”
Dr. R smiled sympathetically and nodded her head slowly, encouraging him to continue.
“S-She’s been hurt.” He whispered, between a question and a statement. “Like me?”
“I can’t tell you that.” She reminded him. “From the context of what she’s told you though, I could see why you would come to that conclusion.”
Gerard frowned and tried to understand, eventually realizing the doctor was agreeing with him.
Rage suddenly pooled in his blood, heat raising to his skin as he processed that it was true.
“S-S-She’s so nice-” He stuttered out, shaking his head. “How could someone- no-”
He didn’t want to believe it, he didn’t want to believe someone would hurt such a sweet person like Lindsey.
“No.” He whimpered, tears surprising his eyes. “Tell me no one hurt her.” He begged, his heart twisting in his chest. “Tell me no one made her-” His eyes clenched shut, memories of his own past flashing by. “No!”
He began to sob then, not quite understanding why, but not being able to control it either.
So much pain, so much confusion, so much bad that her brain stopped developing?
The doctor held out a tissue box which Gerard took gratefully, covering his tear soaked eyes with a tissue.
Gerard hadn’t realized what happened to him, happened to other people as well, and the thought of that brought him so much pain inside.
There were more people like Joey?
“There are some bad people in the world.”
Gerard frowned at her words though, something about the choice of them had his insides turning.
People had referred to him that way, as being a bad person.
“Oh my god.” He spoke shakily, bile rising in his stomach. “I’m a bad person- I- I- that’s why I’m here I hurt-”
“You’re here because you’re sick.” She clarified sternly. “The people who hurt you, who hurt Lindsey, they were bad.”
“What’s the difference?” Gerard whimpered, pulling his knees to his chest. “I was bad.”
“They knew what they were doing, Gerard.” She pointed out. “They didn’t feel bad about it either, did they?”
Gerard agreed quietly.
“That’s the difference.” She added. “You didn’t know what was going to happen when you thought you found your mom. You didn’t take that woman with the intention of hurting her, Gerard, those other people, that was their intention.”
“People mean to do those things?”
“Exactly.”
It did make Gerard feel a little bit better that there was a difference between his actions and theirs, he truly did not mean to do those things.
However that meant some people really did, and that made Gerard feel gross all over.
“I hate that.” Gerard whimpered, crossing his arms. “Maybe it’s good I made up Frank-” He paused, never having truly admitted it to himself until that moment. “I-”
The doctor raised her eyebrows in surprise, but didn’t respond.
“I miss him.” Gerard whispered, his heart suddenly overcome with loneliness. “I- I don’t like that you don’t want me to see him.”
“That’s understandable.” She nodded. “It’s going to take a lot of trust between us before you can understand why this is the better option for you.”
“I miss him.” Gerard repeated, looking to his lap. “I miss-” He sighed. “Cuddling… he made me feel so-”
“Safe?” She finished for him, and he looked up at her surprised. “Do you miss feeling safe?”
Gerard didn’t respond right away, he didn’t really understand what she meant by that question.
Had he ever felt safe?
“I don’t know.” He mumbled, upset he didn’t have the answer for her.
“That’s okay.”
“I want to see Lindsey now.” He decided, his brain shifting topics in an attempt to avoid any of his own problems. “Can I go see her?”
The doctor looked at the clock and typed some things on her computer before agreeing, and letting Gerard know he could find her in her room.
He didn’t bother a goodbye as he stood up and left, subconsciously desperate for a distraction over the session they had just participated in.
He wandered through the hallways and counted the room numbers on the wall, trying to find the one Dr. Reese ended up shouting out at him.
He had never been to Lindsey’s room before, and he was surprised to see it had real decor in it, and her theme seemed to be anything black.
She was on her bed, sprawled out on her stomach with coloring pages tossed around along with color pencils.
“Gee!” She exclaimed excitedly when she noticed him in the doorway. “You found my room!”
“Gee?” He looked at her, his head tilted in confusion. “When did I get a nickname?”
“Since I decided we were best friends.” She stated matter of factly, gesturing for him to join her on the bed. “Come look at my picture.”
Gerard felt warmth spread through his chest as he approached her, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking over her work.
“Trees don’t have to be brown and green.” She rambled, pointing to her picture of a purple and red tree. “Sometimes they can be purple and red.”
Gerard didn’t quite understand what she meant by that, but nodded in agreement anyways, and before long she had a blank page in front of him encouraging him to draw with her.
They sat together in silence for a while and scribbled on their pages, and on occasion a smile would grace Lindsey's face.
She liked to watch what colors Gerard was going to choose for his picture, and she liked to watch his hands move along the pages.
The warmth in Gerard’s chest would grow every time he caught sight of that smile, and the urge to let his own smile out became a losing battle.
However, about twenty minutes into coloring, Gerard remembered what he had learned about her in his last appointment.
Someone had hurt her, someone(s) had hurt her, and she had rules drilled into her head to not argue that hurt.
He imagined Lindsey as a small girl, full of energy and happy, and someone just stomping that energy and happiness out.
It made him feel sick, and before he realized what was happening, a sniffle had escaped his lips.
“No crying.” She whispered, never glancing away from her work. “He doesn’t like that.”
Then a sob left his lips, his hand attempting to cover it before it got the chance, and failing.
“Don’t!” She hissed, jumping over the pages to cover the hand over his mouth with hers as well. “He’ll hear you!”
Gerard would have been startled by her hand over his if he wasn’t so worried for her, but all he could see was the terror in her eyes.
“N-No, he won’t-” Gerard pulled her hand away, holding it in his. “He’s not here.”
Her terrified gaze softened to confusion, and she looked down at her hand in his.
“I will be good.” She whispered, pulling her hand from his. “I will follow the rules.”
“Lindsey-”
“He isn’t going to like you.” She stated like she was in a trance, standing and collecting all the papers from the bed. “You’re going to be work.”
Gerard watched in confusion as she began obsessively tidying her room.
She was like a robot, and she rambled to herself quietly as she moved everything around.
Things about how it was worse for those who were work, and how he was extra mean to those who didn’t listen.
Gerard was starting to feel desperate when he noticed a painting on the wall, one of the only things with color in her room.
The boat with the sunset in the background.
He quietly walked over to it and observed it for a moment, wishing he could peel the tape and take it over to her, but fearing he may tear the paper.
“This is a good painting.” He spoke suddenly, catching her attention. “The sunset is so pretty.”
She stuttered on her mission and turned in his direction, like she was fighting the urge to continue on her mission, or to focus on that painting that seemed so hypnotic to her.
“Do you like this painting?” He continued, pointing to it as her head raised more into a focus. “I really like the black boat.”
“Boat!” She exclaimed excitedly; her attention being pulled completely. “Isn’t this the best thing you’ve ever seen?” She wandered up to it, her eyes glued to the page. “I wish the water was black.”
“That would be cool.” Gerard nodded, imagining the change. “Or maybe grey?”
She hummed in thought, her hand reaching for her chin.
“Yes.” She decided, looking at Gerard approvingly. “You have a good eye.”
“I actually have two.” Gerard tried to joke, and to his delight, Lindsey burst into laughter. “I grew them myself.”
Her laughter boomed the whole room at that, and she fell back onto her bed in a fit of giggles.
“My tummy!” She gasped dramatically, clutching at her stomach. “It hurts! Laughing hurts!”
She made no effort to stop giggling though, and Gerard watched in amazement as she practically rolled back and forth on her bed in giggles.
That warmth in his chest was spreading.

Chapter Text

Gerard started to learn Lindsey’s triggers, and also how to help her come down from them.
When he first got there, all he could focus on was getting through the day, and now, it was making Lindsey smile.
He had gifted her the painting he had made, and her eyes had lit up so brightly, the sun would be ashamed to rise and be in its presence.
That was the first time she had hugged him, and although shocked by the initial contact, Gerard found himself melting into it.
She had squeezed him so tightly, it made his heart beat in a way it never had before.
And then she was gone, rushing away to her room to find the perfect place to put said painting.
Gerard had stood there red cheeked and flushed, processing the warmth flooding throughout every pore in his body.
It wasn’t until Dr. R gently touched his arm that reality hit, reminding him he had a session with her.
This time they talked about his feelings towards Lindsey.
Gerard didn’t understand some of the questions, but that was a good sign to Dr. R.
She wanted to make sure Gerard’s feelings and intentions towards Lindsey remained age appropriate, as not only was relationships between patients forbidden, she was also not able to properly consent to such things, as her brain still functions that of a child.
The way she asked her questions were discreet though, as to not upset Gerard with any implications.
It wasn’t personal towards him, it was standard protocol to keep each patient safe.
“I like to see her smile.” He admitted quietly, his cheeks flushing once more. “Her smile…is really nice.”
“She has a lovely smile.” The Dr. agreed. “How do you feel when you see her smile?”
He bit his lip and looked around, unsure of the sensation he felt when he witnessed it.
“Warm?” He tried, embarrassed. “M-My chest feels fluttery?”
“What specifically feels warm?”
“My heart.” Gerard whispered, his hand gently touching his chest. “And my face, sometimes my toes.” His hands covered his face, embarrassed. “I-Is that okay?”
“How does it make you feel?”
Gerard frowned, he hadn’t really thought about all of that.
And as the thoughts began twirling in his mind, he started to become overwhelmed.
“I- I don’t know-” He shook his head desperately. “I-”
“You’re not in trouble, Gerard.” Dr. R assured, seeing his panic. “And it’s okay if you don’t know how it makes you feel, that’s part of the reason we have these meetings.”
Gerard nodded and tried to take a couple of deep breaths, like they had worked on previously.
“I- I know I’m angry that people hurt her.” Gerard decided. “And that I wish I could have stopped them.”
“That’s very brave of you.” She spoke, confusing Gerard. “You seem to care for her.”
“Yes.” Gerard agreed. “I care about her, I don’t want her to hurt ever, I want her to feel good.”
“What are some ways you could do that?” He was asked. “How would you make her feel good?”
Gerard smiled as he remembered the painting he made for her, and his entire body went bright red as he tried to hide his smile.
“Paintings.” He smiled shyly to himself. “I think painting her things makes her feel really good.”
“That’s lovely.” Dr. R. smiled, scribbling on her note pad. “She gave you a hug today, how did that make you feel?”
“Warm.” Gerard repeated from before. “Happy.”
“That’s very good, Gerard.” She spoke, debating whether or not she should wait to ask her next questions, eventually deciding Gerard seemed stable enough to handle them. “If she were to initiate other physical things, how would you respond?”
“What?” Gerard responded instantly, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “W-What do you mean?”
“Lindsey’s brain was trained to believe she has to act a certain way towards certain people.” She started slowly, watching to see if Gerard was catching on, but he wasn’t. “Sometimes, Lindsey’s brain tells her she needs to touch her friends a bit differently than you might touch your friends.”
“Oh.” Gerard gasped, the color leaving his face. “S-She might think she has to touch me?”
The doctor nodded slowly, watching the information process in Gerard’s eyes.
“No.” He shook his head, feeling upset. “I wouldn’t let her.” He shook his head some more. “She will never ever- s-she’s just a kid kinda, right?”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that, Gerard.” She sighed, truly relieved at his response. “She is mentally still a kid, yes.”
He looked down at his lap, dread filling his senses when he realized he was having this conversation, because something like this had to have happened in the past.
“Do people ignore that?”
“Sometimes.” She gave him a sympathetic smile. “But you don’t.”
Gerard nodded idly and began nibbling on his thumbnail, now concerned about the harm she might have faced due to others treating her as a functioning adult.
“What’s on your mind, Gerard?”
“I-” He swallowed hard, fighting tears. “I hate that people hurt her and now she thinks it’s normal, I hate that people can still hurt her, I don’t want her to hurt ever, I just want her to smile-”
Tears fell from his eyes then, silent as they splattered on his chubby cheeks.
“Can I go see her?”
“Almost.” She promised. “I want you to be prepared in case this does happen, because if you react negatively, so will she.”
“How am I supposed to react?” Gerard gasped, eyes wide in panic when he realized he could make her upset. “Oh no what if I upset-”
“Hey, it’s okay-” Dr. R assured quickly. “You ask her to do something else. When her brain is like that, she’s trying to make you happy, if you let her do that in other ways, she will divert away from doing it inappropriately."
Gerard looked at her skeptically.
“Don’t get upset with her, just calmly change the subject.” She explained. “If you get upset, she will think you’re upset with her, and it will make it worse.”
“Okay.” Gerard nodded. “Now can I go see her?”
“Yes.”
-
He found her in the game room, pausing in the doorway to gaze at all the other people in there with her.
Had any of them hurt her?
Then he eyed the nurses, the ones who could get her secluded, had any of them hurt her?
“Gee!” She spoke excitedly once she noticed his presence. “Where did you go?”
She waved him over to where she was sitting with a Candyland game board, inviting him to join the game she had made up with the Candyland pieces.
“I had a session with Dr. Reese.”
“Oh, boo.” She pouted, pushing out her bottom lip. “I hate those.”
Gerard sat down next to her, still looking at the game pieces strewed about.
“They can be hard.” Gerard agreed. “I think she really cares about us though.”
Lindsey just mumbled in response and began rambling about the game she had made up, inviting Gerard to play even though she was already way ahead and definitely going to win.
He followed along the best he could with her made up rules, and found himself really enjoying the game.
“Does she talk about me?” Lindsey suddenly asked, her serious eyes on Gerard. “I hope she doesn’t make you not like me anymore.”
“Why would she do that?”
“She thinks I shouldn’t be friends with some people.” She spoke sadly, looking down at the table. “I think I have friends, and then they are gone.”
The people Lindsey spoke of were previous patients who did not act appropriately towards her, and were transferred to other wards.
She didn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to interact with her in that way, since men always had, and so she didn’t realize they were transferred because of their own actions.
She always blamed herself, always.
“I don’t think I’ll go anywhere.” Gerard promised, unsure how true that really was. “I promise I will try really hard.”
“Really?” She looked back at him, a hopeful smile on her face. “You mean that?”
“Of course I do.” Gerard nodded, matching her smile. “I- I think you might be my best friend.”
Her eyes lit up at that, and the joy radiated off of her and straight to Gerard’s heart.
“Best friends?” She gushed, looking at him seriously. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes.” He spoke even more seriously. “And you don’t ever have to do anything to keep me happy okay?”
“Okay?” She frowned, not following. “But what if I like making you happy?”
That ache in his chest tightened, and tears stung behind his eyes, trying to force their way out.
She was so pure and innocent, like all she wanted to do was make those around her happy.
“This makes me happy.” Gerard whispered, moving his game piece idly. “Coloring with you makes me happy.”
“Really?” She gushed, eyes excited and in disbelief. “That makes me happy, too!”
Gerard wanted to tell her how sorry he was for everything she must have gone through, but he knew that was not going to lead to a positive interaction.
So instead he continued to play the game with her, enjoying her rambles about the new rules she made for the game every two seconds.
-
Gerard tossed in his sleep, sweat soaking his skin as his subconscious ran rampant in his dreams.
He was dreaming about his past experiences with his boss, the only real person he had semi-what consensual sex with.
It had been weeks, or maybe even months, since Gerard arrived there, and his lack of release was catching up with him.
His heart raced as he dreamt of his face flat against his bosses desk, the weight behind him relentless as he was slammed back and forth.
He startled awake with a whimper, his hips jolting against his mattress as his release tore through every nerve in his body.
“Ugh-” He panted, flipping onto his back and cringing at his soiled boxers. “What the fuck?”
He felt so gross, and he didn’t understand what had just happened.
He discreetly kicked off his boxers from under the covers, eyeing the small camera in the corner of his room.
They watched him more closely since the medication incident, and he went bright red hoping they hadn’t been watching tonight.
Was he just humping his bed?
Was he making noises?
With his blanket wrapped around his body, he climbed out of bed and hid the dirty boxers at the bottom of the mini hamper they provided for him.
He had a fresh pair waiting for the next day that he put on, and was relieved when he noticed nothing had made it onto the sheet.
There would be nothing he could do if his sheet was dirty.
He couldn’t sleep after that though, he didn’t like the feeling in his chest.
Realizing he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep, and that the bad feeling wasn’t going away, his mind wandered to the other thing that seemed to help lately.
Lindsey.
How much trouble would he get in if he left his room?
Lindsey’s room was not far away from his, and if he timed it right, maybe no one would notice him.
Their doors had little windows on them, and he peeked through his, making sure no one was around.
The hallways were darker than they were in the daytime, and Gerard found himself creeping out of his room and into them.
The dread faded the closer he got to her room, and as fast as he snuck out, was as fast as he was sneaking into her room.
“Linds?” He whispered, trying to see through the darkness. “Linds, wake up.”
What Gerard didn’t know was Lindsey took a sleeping aid each night, to aid with her nightmares.
She didn’t wake up, but he felt better being near her, so he quietly walked over to her bed, and sat down on the ground in front of it.
His head rested back against her bed, and before he even realized it, he had fallen asleep.
-
“This isn’t your room.” A familiar voice rang out, Dr. R, startling Gerard awake from his seated position.
“Ow-” He groaned, reaching for his neck that had begun to ache. “I- I’m so sorry-”
“Come on.” She reached her hand out, helping him to his feet. “Let’s go before she wakes up.”
Dread filled his senses when he realized he must be in trouble, he shouldn’t have gone to Lindsey’s room without permission.
“I’m sorry.” He insisted as they walked towards his own room. “Am I in trouble?”
“Why did you go to her room in the middle of the night, Gerard?” She spoke softly, gesturing for him to sit on his bed. “You know you’re not supposed to leave your room.”
“I know.” He looked down, disappointed in himself. “I just… had a dream and when I woke up I didn’t feel too good and she makes me feel better-”
“Your dream made you feel bad?” She spoke softly, sitting down on a chair in his room. “What was it about?”
Gerard immediately went red, and he began stuttering out excuses, not wanting to admit the kind of dream he had.
His reaction was enough to give him up though, and even though she was not judging him in any way, she had to make sure the dream was not about Lindsey.
“Was it about Lindsey?”
“No!” Gerard gasped, offended by the question. “She’s my best friend-”
“My apologies, Gerard.” She apologized quickly, hiding her relief. “Why did it make you feel bad?”
“I shouldn’t like it.” Gerard whispered, his throat twisting with disgust. “I shouldn’t like what he would do to me.”
The doctor looked surprised for a moment, trying to figure out who he felt he shouldn’t feel that way towards.
“It just felt so good sometimes.” He whispered shamefully, his gaze on his lap. “Frank hated that.”
She sat quietly and let Gerard think, giving him the space to let out anything he felt he needed to.
“Ugh, I’m so gross.” Gerard whimpered, looking up at her helplessly. “If I wasn’t so gross, I wouldn’t have liked it, I wouldn’t be dreaming about it-”
“Hey,” she interrupted softly, pulling his attention. “It’s completely normal for your body to react to sex that way, we can’t control how our bodies react when stimulated in certain ways, Gerard, it doesn’t make you gross.”
“Really?” He practically begged her, eyes desperate. “What about the dreams?”
“Sometimes…” she spoke softly, imagining the right way to word this. “When men haven’t ejaculated in a long time, sometimes their bodies do it for them in their sleep. When that happens, it’s your body taking care of itself by clearing out your system a bit. It’s healthy for our bodies to have orgasms, so sometimes, they come in our sleep.”
“What?!” He went bright red, embarrassment swallowing him whole. “No, that’s so embarrassing-”
“It’s completely normal, Gerard.” She insisted. “It’s called a wet dream, and everyone has them.”
“Everyone?” Gerard looked at her hopelessly. “Not just me?”
“Not just you.” She promised. “But Gerard, you can’t sneak into her room at night, no matter how you feel, okay?”
“I’m sorry.” He frowned. “I just didn’t want to be alone.”
“It’s okay, Gerard, but you understand you can’t do that again?”
“I understand.” He nodded shamefully. “I won’t do it again.”
“Good.” She smiled, standing up from her seat. “As for what we just talked about, I think we have some things to discuss in our session today.”
“We can’t talk about Lindsey again?”
“I wish we could.” She smiled sympathetically. “But you’re here to get help for your brain, and we can’t help your brain, if we don’t know you.”
Gerard nodded lazily and let out a sigh, and just then Lindsey appeared in his doorway.
“Gee!” She yawned sleepily, slight bags under her eyes. “”Today is cinnamon roll day, we have to get to breakfast now!”
Gerard didn’t even acknowledge the doctor as he pulled his day shirt over his night tank top, following Lindsey out of his room without another glance.
He was starting to think he found his place, and it was in the wake of her.
She rambled about multiple different topics on their way to the cafeteria and Gerard listened intently, wanting to hear her thoughts on each topic thoroughly.
“Did you know chocolate milk does NOT come from brown cows?” She questioned as they grabbed their milk cartons. “I thought it did for sure, but I guess they don’t.”
“Maybe someday they will.” Gerard suggested, grinning as she lit up at that response.
“That would be sooo cool.” She shook her head in disbelief. “That would make more sense.”
Gerard agreed and followed her to an empty table in the back, appreciating that no one could sit behind them, and he had a view of everyone.
No one was going to hurt her, not while he was there.
Luckily everyone in the room seemed innocent enough, and no one was paying attention to Lindsey.
He would watch out for those who paid too much attention.
At the end of breakfast, Gerard pretended he was full and couldn’t finish his cinnamon roll, just so he could see Lindsey light up when he offered it to her.
She deserved to smile like that.
They spent the rest of the day as normal, they both had their separate sessions with Dr. R. and as a treat the ward had managed to earn a pizza party that night.
Gerard hadn’t had pizza in forever, and the smell brought him a sense of joy he had forgotten.
It was later in the evening now, and to pair with the pizza, the patients were able to choose from orange, grape, or raspberry soda.
There was a large community room with a projector in it, and the patients all had their own pillows and blankets to sit with.
Small windows at the top of the walls let in the moonlight, just barely enough for a tease of the planet.
Everyone had settled in for the movie now, with Gerard and Lindsey in the back.
Things were going really well, everyone was enjoying the movie, when some clutz had to walk by.
A patient tripped over their own foot in front of them, sending his red solo cup of orange soda all over Lindsey, and drenching her with it.
“Ah!” She shrieked, jumping to her feet in an attempt to flee the liquid. “What did you do?! What did you do?!” She screamed at the patient who had fallen to the floor, and then without another word she bolted from the room.
“Linds!” Gerard gasped in shock, following her as quickly as he could. “Wait-”
“Sticky, sticky, sticky.” She cried, tugging at her wet shirt. “Nadalia!”
Nadalia was one of the people who worked here, Gerard had heard the name before, but never encountered her personally.
Suddenly two male workers were at her doorway, looking concerned and confused as they rushed over to her.
“Nadalia!” She screamed at them, taking a step back. “Nadalia!”
“Nadalia is on morning shift.” One man spoke to the other, looking stressed. “She’s the only one who can help this patient bathe, and she’s not here right now.”
“What do we do?” The other looked at Lindsey, who was becoming more upset by the minute. “We have to get her cleaned up, she’s hysterical-”
“Don’t-” Gerard rushed out as they took a step towards her, standing between them and her. “You’re going to upset her-”
“Let us do our job.” They insisted, walking past Gerard without a fear. “We’re not going to hurt her-”
“She’s scared!” Gerard tried helplessly, wanting to grab the men and pull them away from her. “Please-”
As soon as the men approached where she had ended up on her bed, the most heartwrenching cry left her lips.
Gerard’s feet moved on instinct then and he forced himself between the men and her, covering her body with his own to shield her from them.
“Leave her alone!”
Lindsey sobbed and clutched onto Gerard desperately, hiding her face in his shirt as he looked back at the men threateningly.
Realizing they were going to need someone with more authority to handle this situation, the two employees rushed out to seek the lead nurse.
“Shh.” Gerard soothed, resting his head on the top of hers. “I won’t let them hurt you, I promise.”
Lindsey began to rock against his hold, so he rocked with her, whispering soothing things as her breathing began to calm.
“Gerard-” She whimpered. “I- I need Nadalia, Nadalia helps me get clean, I need to get clean-”
“I know.” He whispered, wondering how he could help. “We’ll figure it out.”
A female employee entered the room then, and Gerard eyed her defensively as she approached the two.
She didn’t tell him to move though, and she didn’t try to get Lindsey to move either, she just sat down next to them on the bed.
“Hello, Lindsey, Gerard, I’m Macy, I’m the lead nurse tonight and I’m here to help, if that’s okay?”
Lindsey peered at her shyly from where she was hidden against Gerard’s chest, eyeing the woman for a moment before hiding again.
“I don’t know you.” Lindsey mumbled. “I want Nadalia.”
“I know.” She spoke sympathetically. “Nadalia is one of my best employees, I see why you trust her so much.”
“Yeah…” Lindsey mumbled, peering out once more. “You know her?”
“I taught her everything she knows.” Macy insisted. “I trained her in every department, even showering patients with care.”
Gerard caught on then, and realized this nurse was hoping to be able to help Lindsey bathe tonight, since the woman she was used to wasn’t there.
“Really?” Lindsey spoke timidly, relaxing a bit more in Gerard’s arms. “D-Do you know the ‘clean’ song?”
“Do I know the clean song?!” Macy gasped dramatically. “I use the clean song, myself!”
Gerard relaxed as Lindsey continued to, and within a few minutes Lindsey was sitting more comfortably on her bed.
“Can Nadalia come?” Lindsey whispered hopeful, looking at Macy nervously. “Please?”
“Not this time.” She replied softly, trying not to upset Lindsey. “She’s busy right now.”
Lindsey began to sniffle again, and the nurse noticed Gerard instantly start to sooth her, and be successful.
“What if Gerard waits right outside the door?”
Lindsey and Gerard both looked at each other then, both with different emotions.
“You won’t let them hurt me?” She whispered up at him, eyes sad. “Right?”
“I won’t let them hurt you.” He promised again, staring into her eyes. “Ever.”
She nodded nervously then, allowing Macy to reach her hand out, and help her to her feet.
“You’ll be there the whole time?” Lindsey checked as they slowly made their way to the private shower room. “You won’t leave?”
“Pinky promise.” Gerard assured, holding out his pinky and sealing the promise. “And if you need me, I will be in there faster than a cheetah.”
Lindsey giggled quietly at the comment, and when they reached the door, she gave him a really big hug.
“Thank you.” She whispered, squeezing him tightly before following Macy into the room.
“I’m right here!” Gerard spoke through the door. “I’m not going anywhere!”
It was quiet on the other side for a moment, and Gerard could hear the water begin to run.
“M- scared-” Lindsey could be heard saying, and Gerard’s heart began to race. “No, no, I can’t see him, I- I- Gerard!”
Without hesitation Gerard was pushing through the door, eyes scanning the room until he saw Lindsey and the nurse standing by the shower.
When Gerard realized Lindsey was half undressed, he covered his eyes quickly and turned around, stuttering apologies.
Lindsey was no longer panicking though, being able to see Gerard had her nerves easing drastically.
He said he would be there, and he was.
“O-Okay-” Lindsey breathed out. “Y-You can continue…”
“Thank you, Lindsey.” Macy spoke softly, helping her out of the rest of her clothing. “You’re being so brave. Let me sing you the clean song, okay?”
Lindsey didn’t respond, but Gerard could hear as the water hit her body, a relieved sigh leaving his lips as it did.
He was sticky now too, having held her protectively, the stickiness had clung to him.
Hopefully he would be allowed to shower after as well.
“You okay, Linds?” Gerard spoke softly after continued silence from her.
“Yes.” She spoke after some hesitation. “Macy is like Nadalia.”
“Good.” Gerard nodded to himself, hands still over his eyes even though he was facing the opposite direction.
After the clean song was over, Macy talked about Nadalia as she helped Lindsey bathe, she mentioned how they used to work more closely together, and that they were really good friends.
The shower was over rather quickly, and it wasn’t long before Gerard was being told he could turn back around, and that Lindsey was dressed.
“Thank you.” She whispered to him, looking at him shyly. “So much.”
Gerard nodded and wanted to give her a hug, but his clothes were still sticky, so he resisted.
“Let’s get you ready for bed?” Macy suggested, looking at Lindsey. “Does that sound okay?”
Lindsey nodded weakly and started out of the room, Macy and Gerard following behind.
“C-Can I shower, too?” Gerard asked timidly as they walked down the hall, feeling the sticky soda that had made it onto his skin. “I’m sticky…”
Macy looked at Gerard before explaining she would have to check his file to make sure he didn’t need assistance, and that once she got Lindsey into bed, she would do that.
Luckily, he didn’t require assistance in the shower, and he wasn’t a risk to himself anymore, so supervision was not required either.
Lindsey was significantly drained after that whole experience, and after taking sleeping aid, she was practically asleep when she hit her bed.
“Thank you for your help tonight, Gerard.” She spoke softly as they exited the room, directing him back to the shower. “You really helped Lindsey tonight.”
“I did?” Gerard asked excitedly, pride bursting in his chest. “I- I just don’t like it when she’s scared, or sad, or upset.”
The nurse seemed a little surprised by that but didn’t question it.
She didn’t know Gerard as a patient, it wasn’t her place to put judgement.
“I’m going to have Steven wait outside and take you back to your room when you’re finished, okay?” Macy spoke as they reached the door. “Tonight, you may have more than ten minutes, since we’re not on schedule and you’ve been so helpful tonight, take your time, but don’t stay in there forever, okay?”
Gerard’s eyes lit up, usually they only had time to do the basics in the shower, wash hair and body, then out.
Warm water was so soothing though, and the thought of being able to stand under the water for a moment without rushing had him feeling so content.
“Thank you.”
-