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“No way,” Jack said before Daniel could even finish explaining what he wanted to do.
“But you don't even understand what they're offering. It's their full written history, including all the times they were visited by the Ancients. We know the Ancients were here as ascended beings, but we don't know why. Why interfere here? What's so special about this world?” Daniel had fast forwarded to the gesticulating wildly stage of the argument.
“Too risky.”
Daniel moved to get in front of where Jack stood, checking their packs. The planet was lushly green but the sky was a permanent dusky orange, something to do with a second star in such close proximity that they could see it shining like a secondary light in the sky most of the day.
“Senulus has been nothing but open and kind.”
“Then let them give you their books out of the kindness of their hearts.”
Daniel repressed the urge to knock the sneer off Jack's face. “Because this ritual is important to them. They can't just abandon their...”
“Look, Daniel, there's no way I'm giving you permission to go screw some hot alien babe in the name of diplomacy. Do you know how many ways that could go wrong?”
“It's not literal!” Daniel said. “Have you even been listening? It's a symbolic mating between the new member of the community and the land. There are some European pagan rituals like this back on Earth.”
Jack grunted as he closed up the packs and marched off toward where Sam was talking to one of the local healers about their herbal remedies, with Teal'c watching over. “Key word: mating.”
“No,” Daniel protested, following him. “Key word: symbolic! There's just a ribbon and...”
Jack put his hands over his ears. “La la la la la la,” he sang quietly, not looking at Daniel.
“What are you, a child? Is this a conversation or am I back in grade school?”
The other members of SG-1 could clearly see they were fighting but were doing their best to studiously ignore them. If the Othians had noticed anything, they were doing the same. Jack turned and hissed, “This conversation is over. That's an order, Dr. Jackson.”
“God, this really brings back memories, Jack, and not good ones.” It had been a few months since Daniel had come back from ascension. He had most of his memories restored, but every once in awhile he felt like something new clicked into place. “I was so fucking sick of this by the end, so sick of you, wasn't I?”
There was a pause where the air hung heavy between them. It had just been a disagreement before. Now it was something more.
Jack looked for a moment like he was going to do something, and Daniel suddenly wondered if there was some memory he was missing that had been hidden deep inside him. Had Jack ever attacked him? He felt like the man was quivering, about to smash into him then.
But Jack turned away, back toward Sam and Teal'c, saying only, “I wouldn't know.”
* * *
The walk back to the gate was mostly silent. Daniel noticed Sam and Teal'c exchanging glances and knew no one was happy about the argument he and Jack had. Or about how tense their departure had become. Sam and Teal'c stepped through first and Daniel started up the steps to follow them.
“Hopefully next time you can figure out how to make nice with the locals without offering to get naked,” Jack said.
“What the hell, Jack?” Daniel said, but Jack avoided facing him by stepping across the event horizon. Still, Daniel was so infuriated by Jack's final dig and by the way he tried to get it in before going back to the SGC, that he barreled through the gate toward Jack.
When he came out on the other side, he just kept going, shoving Jack hard on the gate ramp so that he stumbled and almost went down.
Behind them, the stargate closed, the wormhole evaporating. But Jack turned, quick as lightning, and shoved Daniel back.
“What is wrong with you?” Daniel hissed.
“Me!” Jack yelled. “That's rich. I'm not the one who was disobeying orders!”
“I didn't disobey anything. And if I did it's only because you were being an ass!”
At the bottom of the ramp, Daniel could see Sam looking embarrassed and Teal'c looking thoughtful, like he might intervene, but was waiting for the right moment. Unfortunately for him, General Hammond's voice boomed down from the control room. “In my office, now!”
* * *
Daniel rang the bell for Jack's house, feeling resigned but still nervous.
They had left things on seemingly good terms back at the Mountain, having been given surprisingly generous understanding treatment from Hammond and smiled and shaken hands and acted like everything was just the result of stress. But Daniel had forced himself to come because he couldn't shake the sense that this wasn't how it was supposed to be.
He remembered being here sometimes, but he didn't feel any particular affinity for the house itself and when Jack opened the door, he recalled a time Jack had been unnecessarily cruel, though he knew it was for show. His memories were like that. They were all there, he just didn't seem to find them until he was curious about them or something triggered remembering.
“Daniel?” Jack looked more vulnerable in civilian clothes out in the real world.
“Yeah. I...” Daniel wasn't sure what to say so he held up the six pack he'd picked up at the upscale grocery. “I brought beer.”
“That's not beer.”
“Microbrews, I think.”
“I don't even know what that means.”
“Are you going to invite me in?”
There was a moment where Daniel thought the fight had been too big and Jack would send him away, but then he just looked resigned. “Yeah, come on in.”
“I thought we could order pizza.”
Jack shrugged. “Yeah. Okay.” He went and grabbed his phone. The pizza place was obviously on speed dial. He ordered while Daniel shuffled around, unsure what to do with himself.
The house was intimate, with the kitchen, living, and dining rooms all within reach of each other. Daniel set the beer on the kitchen counter, but then walked past the sofa, then back to the kitchen. Jack eyed him while he was on the phone with the pizza guys, looking at him suspiciously.
By the time Jack had hung up with the pizza place and opened a beer for each of them, Daniel felt like he was going out of his mind a little. “Look,” he burst out, “I can't do that again. We're friends, right? At least, I thought we were.”
“We're friends.” Jack settled on the sofa, but his casual tone and body language seemed like they were belied by a tightness in how he sat.
“Okay, then… I'm sorry, about yesterday. I was out of line.”
“So you admit you shouldn't have done that ritual thingy.”
“No, I didn't say that.” Daniel sat in the chair across from Jack's sofa. “I was right. And you should have listened. But… the way I handled it was wrong. I reacted emotionally. And it wasn't a life or death kind of thing. I mean, it wasn't such a principled stand I was trying to make that I needed to go against you as the team leader.”
For a moment Daniel thought Jack was going to tear into him. His face looked so angry. But then Jack chuckled and Daniel thought maybe he had never known how to read Jack at all.
“That's the closest I've heard you to admitting I have any level of authority at all,” Jack huffed.
Daniel shrugged. “I respect you, Jack,” he said quietly.
“Huh,” Jack said and paused. “I respect you too, Daniel.”
For a moment, they just sat there and it was painfully awkward. Daniel wasn't sure why he had thought the tension would improve once he'd said what he needed to say. At least Jack seemed to feel the tension too. He stood up and went to the kitchen where he puttered around with something. Daniel could hear the sink.
This was important, Daniel reminded himself. He needed his friendship with Jack and he needed the team to work. He couldn't sit there feeling awkward until pizza came and the beer had been drunk. He would have to figure out a way through.
It was stupid, he knew, but Daniel decided, as he heard Jack bang around in the kitchen, that he knew one of the easiest ways to endear himself to someone in a different culture. When it doubt, imitate. And he knew Jack, knew Jack's ways and Jack's likes and reactions. He could do this.
So when Jack came back, bringing a bowl of mixed nuts and another of potato chips, Daniel asked if maybe there was a game on they could watch. Jack looked surprised, but he agreed. Daniel wasn't much on American salty snacks, but Jack munched on greasy potato chips so Daniel did. Jack drank beer, so Daniel did. And when the pizza came, Jack started with the meat lover's so Daniel didn't take the veggie first, he took the meat. And when he came back from the bathroom, just like how Jack would casually pat Daniel on the back or casually touch him, at least back at one time, Daniel patted Jack on the shoulder before returning to his chair. In fact, he tried imitating Jack's casual touches several times as they ate and watched the game.
And it was working. They drank the microbrews and Jack even proclaimed to like one of them. Jack pulled out more beers. They left the hockey game on and Daniel pretended to watch and follow it, mostly watching Jack instead.
At some point, it became clear that Jack was also watching him, occasionally stealing a sidelong glance during a break in the game's action. Daniel smiled. He had the sense that Jack was rethinking and given that they'd nearly come to blows right on the gate ramp, that had to be good.
When the game ended, it was dark out, but Jack asked if Daniel wanted a game of chess. They had not played chess in a long time, Daniel realized, but it was something they had done occasionally. Jack had a tiny magnetic board he would sometimes throw in his pack for longer gate missions instead of a deck of cards. Teal'c liked the cards better. Daniel liked chess. So maybe now Jack was doing exactly what Daniel had been doing to him, doing things Daniel's way, which was, in a way, what friendship was all about. Though Jack liked chess too.
“I'm glad you're back,” Jack said suddenly during a long silence. He was fingering a pawn that had been knocked off the board early on. It was a nice, stone set, the sort Daniel saw in the Middle East sometimes. He wondered where Jack had acquired it.
Daniel raised his eyes as he made his move. “Yeah.” He never knew what to say when people referred to his ascension and return. It was uncomfortable not remembering, not knowing entirely why he'd returned.
“I probably just don't say it enough.”
Jack was opening up so Daniel felt like he should too. That was the unwritten rules he'd set forth for himself.
“I think I missed this.” He sighed. That wasn't enough truth. “My memory is back, but sometimes I feel like there's something missing.”
“It'll come back or it won't.”
Empty half cliches. “Well, good beer and good pizza. Worth coming back to.” Close enough.
Jack made his move. It had been a long time since they'd played, but Daniel didn't remember him being this easy to beat. He'd made a mistake and Daniel could see a path to win in four moves.
“I'm glad we were worth coming back to.” Jack paused. “I also might have reacted emotionally, you know, yesterday.”
Daniel wasn't sure how to get a read on this comment. Jack was studiously staring at the chessboard and Daniel felt he wasn't meeting his eyes. He had already apologized so he couldn't say sorry again, but earlier Jack had surprised him by laughing off his apology so he did the same. “Oh, emotionally?” Daniel asked lightly. He really didn't know and wanted to know, but mostly he was playing the game, the game of imitating Jack. He made his move then looked at Jack across from him, leaning forward from the sofa.
Jack had a funny look on his face. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I get too emotional sometimes when you're involved.”
That was a funny statement, but so true. Daniel could remember so many times that they'd screamed and fought off world over the fate of some village or other. “Yeah,” Daniel said, raising his eyes to look into Jack's.
“Jeez, are we going to actually talk about this stuff?” Jack asked.
Daniel shrugged. If Jack wanted to talk, he wanted to talk. He could say, on so many levels, where their conflict came from. Different assumptions, different cultures, different value systems. But they had the same goals, on some basic level. They trusted each other. Sometimes it helped to acknowledge this stuff. This was why he'd come here, after all, to make things better, to try not to fall back into old patterns. Talking about things would definitely be a new pattern. “It might be good to get some things out there,” he acknowledged.
“Jesus,” Jack said. He finished his beer in a long drink. Then he tipped his king over then pushed the board aside. It lived on a shelf under the TV most of the time. “You beat me three moves ago anyway.”
“Usually you're a better player,” Daniel said.
“I'm out of practice. Only ever played with you for the last few years. Then you went away.”
Daniel nodded. “I want things to be different,” he said, thinking of the fight they had. “I don't think we have to go on the same way as before. I think… things were tense before I left.”
“God, Daniel,” Jack said. “I'm too old for this.” He stood up and walked his final beer back to the kitchen to toss the bottle in the recycle bin.
That was an odd statement, but Jack was now standing so Daniel stood too, following him to the kitchen. You couldn't be too old to change. And Jack wasn't so old, Daniel thought. He was young, he was more adaptable to change than he let on. “You're not old.”
Jack leaned back against one of the counters so Daniel did the same on the counter directly across from Jack. “I just didn't think we'd ever spell any of this out. Things are different for you though, huh? Since you got back.”
Daniel was beginning to get the feeling he didn't know what the conversation was even about. There didn't seem to be any real holes in his memory. When he wondered about things, they mostly came to him, except for things about the time he was ascended. But he wondered if there was something he was forgetting. He wracked his brain, but he couldn't think of anything. “It's nothing to do with that. Or, if it is, it's just about taking the chance not to fall back into bad patterns. Not to waste time.”
He had died so many times, but there was something about having been away for a year, about having experienced a death so final feeling, that he felt made him appreciate life in a new way. He supposed it wasn't so different from the carpe diem mentality that afflicted people who had recently lost a loved one. He didn't want to waste time by fighting over petty things with Jack or anyone else, not when they knew they could die on the other side of the gate at any time.
“Not to waste time, huh?” Jack said. “God, Daniel. I really… I told myself if somehow I ever had you back I'd talk to you, really talk. But then you were back and there was a crisis and you barely remembered anything. By the time you had your memory back, I'd had time to talk myself out of it. I'm a coward.”
“You're definitely not a coward, Jack.”
Jack looked back at him with a look that Daniel didn't think he'd ever seen on Jack's face, a stripped bare, agonized look. “You really want things to be different?”
“Yes.”
In a heartbeat, Jack had crossed the two step gulf between them in the kitchen. He pressed his body against Daniel's, wrapped his arms around him, and took his mouth in a kiss that was so abrupt that Daniel didn't have any time to think or process, he just responded to Jack's clear need.
It was a needy kiss, passionate and wanting and not at all hesitant or delicate. Jack's tongue plunged into his mouth and a hand snaked up his back to hold his neck while the other hand gripped his hip. Jack seemed to be begging with every iota of his body, pulling Daniel closer even when it was impossible.
It only went on for a few seconds, but it seemed forever to Daniel. Was this the conversation they had been having? How was this the conversation they'd been having? Jack was a tiny bit taller than Daniel, which was odd, to be kissed by someone taller. And by someone stronger. Jack's body was lean muscle, hard and angled. Daniel could feel the capability in his long fingers gripping his hip, the strength in his thigh which was pressed between Daniel's own, edging his legs apart, intertwining them.
Jack broke the kiss with a groan into Daniel's mouth. His head dropped to Daniel's neck and breathed heavily, kissed again, roamed his hands up and down Daniel's back in an almost frantic movement. “Daniel, God, Daniel,” Jack said.
Daniel was frozen in the face of this need and want of Jack's. He didn't know how they'd come to this. What had happened in between arriving at the door with beers that led to this?
Jack's head rose again into another kiss and Daniel, not even really in control of himself, responded again. This kiss was more careful, more deliberate, but still urgent and passionate on Jack's part. Daniel felt passive, but he knew he was moving his mouth as well, which, if he thought about it, was a surprise. And then, a second realization hit him. Their legs were pressed together. Jack's erection was grinding into his hip and he was hard. Not Jack, who had initiated this, had clearly wanted him, but Daniel himself was hard, aroused in a way he hadn't even been cognizant of. Aroused by Jack.
Jack ended the kiss and leaned back into his neck, whispering in his ear. “Danny. I've wanted this for so long. Wanted you.”
There was a noise Daniel couldn't quite identify, couldn't connect with, a low background noise.
Jack leaned back slightly, hands still around Daniel. “You okay?”
Daniel tried to say something, but found he couldn't. He was shaking, hard.
Jack looked more worried. “Daniel?” Their bodies came apart, though Jack kept a hand on Daniel's back, more lightly now.
“I...” Daniel realized he was the sound he couldn't quite figure out. It was a low moan escaping from his lips, ending as he finally managed to speak. “I… I didn't know...”
Jack stepped back, breaking all contact between them. His face had a blank look now, all the earlier passion and longing magically erased. “Daniel,” he said carefully.
“I have to go,” Daniel blurted out.
He managed to leave the kitchen and walk through the living room to the door, grabbing his keys from the side table as he went.
Outside, it was chilly. He'd forgotten his jacket, Daniel realized, with a sense of panic, but he didn't want to go back for it. It was a beautiful, clear night. A good night for stargazing on Jack's roof, he thought, and the image of that nearly made him break out in hysterical giggles. He could barely open the door to his Jeep, his hand was still shaking so much.
This is what shock feels like, he thought with the bit of his mind that was clinically calm. And could there be a bigger shock that one's best male friend, someone he had known for years, suddenly professing these feelings, assuming he had them too, kissing him?
Once he finally got in the car and started the engine, he only made it a few feet before the nerves hit the beer and pizza and greasy American snacks in his stomach. He stopped as abruptly as he'd started, throwing up a mouthful of nerves into the gutter in front of Jack's lawn from his opened door. As soon as he did, he felt marginally better and managed to drive away.
* * *
He took the whole week off. He didn't know what else to do. He needed time to get to grips with what had happened and Daniel didn't think he could face Jack at the Mountain, didn't think he could manage to go through the gate with him, sit across from him in a briefing, pass him in the hallway, eat lunch with him in the commissary. He had to figure this out first.
It was so bothersome to invent excuses when you didn't have family, Daniel reflected after telling General Hammond he needed some time off to take care of some unexpected personal business. When you had parents, you could so easily say you had to visit them, that they were sick, that there was a family emergency. Luckily, there was nothing pressing and he was well overdue for any time he asked for, at least if you didn't take into account the entire year he missed on account of not being corporeal.
For two days, Daniel didn't think about it. He worked on deciphering some of the old tapes of a language spoken on P4X-282, filled with clicks and pops and little sighs. Then, suddenly, he didn't want to be there.
He hadn't actually been anywhere on Earth since he had returned and the feeling of being cooped up, which seemed absurd in the abstract when he traveled halfway across the galaxy on a routine basis, came pressing down on him. His house suddenly seemed too small.
He hadn't been to New York in years, but he bought a round trip ticket and went. It was the city of his youth, an awkward, uncomfortable, grief-filled youth, but he knew the lay of the land and had forgotten how comforting it was to be so anonymous. And how much sidewalk anthropology there was to do in New York. He people watched in Central Park and on the subway and in a sort of quiet gay bar in the Village.
He made himself go to the Met. It was like visiting a mislabeled tomb, but he went and he didn't cry or complain, he just sat on a bench next to the water by the Temple of Dendur and breathed deep breaths. And he went to the opera, because in New York he could blow a stupid amount of money on something he couldn't do at home. He ate at Middle Eastern delis and had the Italian cookies his foster parents always had.
But mostly, he thought about Jack. For four days, he walked the city and thought about Jack.
* * *
The answering machine by his door was lit up as full. Daniel dropped his suitcase by the door and headed inside to get settled. He dreaded listening to the answering machine. He was half sure it would be Jack and he felt guilty for having run off. He'd told General Hammond where he was, so any real emergencies he would have heard about, but he hadn't told Jack where he was.
The messages weren't Jack though. They were Sam and then, surprisingly, Teal'c, who wasn't one prone to making phone calls at all, much less leaving answering machine messages.
After a lot of, “call me back,” and, “I know the general said you'd taken a few days leave, but where are you?” messages, Sam finally spilled the reason they were calling. “The colonel resigned, Daniel,” Sam said. “And you're off doing who knows what and I really think he needs you or that there's something really wrong. He won't talk to Teal'c and… I swear, Daniel, if you know what's going on… We need him. Not now, not like the world is about to end, but you know we do. Call me back.”
The final message was from Teal'c, who said, “O'Neill seems to believe he has grievously dishonored himself in regards to you, Daniel Jackson. If this is a misconception, you must correct it. If it is true, I invite you to come to me to help you avenge your honor however necessary.”
“Shit,” Daniel said aloud.
* * *
It wasn't too late, but Jack's neighborhood was a quiet one, and Daniel felt like he was an intruder in the darkness. Unlike a week ago, the night was blanketed with clouds and a cold drizzle that would probably soon turn to light snow was coming down.
Daniel could hear the shuffle of movement inside, but the door didn't open.
“I brought beers of the world this time,” he said to the unresponsive door. A minute later, he said, pleading, “I'm pretty sure you can hear me.” He didn't like the shout of his voice in the still of the night.
“I don't think you should be here,” Jack's voice finally filtered through the door.
“But I am.”
“Go away, Daniel. Whatever it is you think you need to do, I promise you don't. You don't ever have to see me again.”
“Then we definitely have a problem,” Daniel said, “because I definitely want to be able to see you again.”
There was a pause. “Don't do this, Daniel. I don't trust myself.”
“Jack, are you really going to make me have this entire conversation through the door to your house? Because that seems beyond absurd. And it's going to get awkward to be half shouting some very personal stuff here.”
Daniel stood there so long he started to think he was going to have to do exactly as he'd threatened and begin unburdening himself through the doorway, but then he heard the twist of the deadbolt and the door swung open slowly.
Daniel went inside before Jack could change his mind. He shrugged off his coat and set the beer on the coffee table. Jack shut the door behind him and quickly retreated to the other side of the room, not meeting Daniel's gaze. He had a blank expression and he looked tired. In fact, he looked pretty much the same as when he was about to be tortured by Ba'al.
Daniel gasped. “Did I… were you…?” He shook his head. “I can't remember anything but you looking like that. Did I come to you when you were being held by Ba'al?”
Jack was startled into meeting his eyes for a brief moment before tearing himself away again. “You tried to convince me to ascend,” he said quietly.
“I did? God, what was I thinking?” Daniel said. “Obviously you weren't going to listen to that.”
Jack huffed. Almost a laugh, but not really. The tension in the room was still strained.
“I'm sorry,” Daniel said, he took a step further toward Jack, who inched away. “I didn't know.” He shook his head. “I mean, I didn't remember anything about Ba'al. I guess I still don't. I just remember that look on your face. It's…” It was heartbreaking. “You don't have to look like that. I really want to talk, Jack.”
Jack made a gesture that Daniel took to mean that if he wanted to talk, he should talk. Jack was going to talk as little as possible.
Daniel made it all the way into the house, past the open entryway and properly into the room. He leaned on the edge of the chair, half sitting. Jack stood perfectly still, not looking.
“I didn't know, Jack,” he said.
“I think that's pretty obvious,” Jack said.
“I can see you're beating yourself up,” Daniel said. “I wish you wouldn't.”
“I saw you,” Jack said, halfway between a hiss and a whisper. “You couldn't even get out of here without throwing up.”
“Jack...”
“I should be in jail for what I did to you.” He looked up now, meeting Daniel's eyes defiantly.
“For one kiss? Don't be absurd, Jack.”
Jack looked away again, resuming that mild look that Daniel knew was tortured underneath. “I assaulted you.”
Daniel huffed. “Jack, would you listen to me for just a minute? I didn't know...”
“That I was a pervert?”
“Shut up, Jack!” Daniel said. “I didn't know I felt that way! I didn't know I was attracted to you. I didn't know that was why...” he faltered, “why we were always sticking each other's pigtails in the inkwell.”
Jack's head was turned away from Daniel, but he turned back again, eyes narrowed but not jerking his gaze away immediately like before, as if he might finally have permission to just look.
“Look, I'm sorry I freaked out the other night, but it was a shock. Not you kissing me… Well, that was a shock too. But the bigger shock was that it was good. That I enjoyed it. Jack, I don't know what experience you'd had in your life. We don't talk about this stuff really, do we? But I've never been with another man. I'm probably just confirming for you what a hopeless geek I'll always be, but I honestly don't have a huge body of sexual experience.”
Jack didn't say anything. He was still against the opposite wall near the kitchen, hands in his pockets, eyes now fixed on Daniel, body tight and unmoving.
Daniel sighed. “I know what you saw, but really… The first time I ever had sex, I threw up afterward. I was shaking so hard them too. It wasn't bad, it was just overwhelming. I'm pretty sure it was a massive turnoff. Senior year in college, though I was still only nineteen. She never called me back after that. And I didn't have another relationship at all until Sarah. I just mean that it wasn't about you, Jack. It was about me.”
Daniel watched Jack's eyes blink slowly but he still didn't say anything and now that Daniel had started, he felt the need to carry on.
“I spent the whole week thinking about it. About you. I don't think I've forgotten anything, from before that is. I think I was just as oblivious then. I feel like such an idiot. All the signs were there. And no wonder you thought we were on the same page. We've been flirting for years, haven't we? If I look back and replay our friendship, it's just so clear. I've been stuck in a paradigm of thinking of you as so obviously heterosexual.” Daniel laughed. “Oh, God, I've been stuck thinking of myself that way.”
His laugh became almost hysterical and he clamped down on it. “I might still be a little freaked out,” he admitted.
“You're shaking, Daniel,” Jack said, still not moving from his spot across the room.
“Yeah? It's a little surreal, this conversation,” Daniel said. “You can't resign, Jack. I'm sorry I did such a bad job of communicating. I shouldn't have run away and hid for a week. I should have tried to talk to you. But we need you.”
“They need you more.”
“It's not a choice. There's no either or here. Teal'c left a message on my answering machine saying he'd help me avenge my honor if you had done something to besmirch it.”
Jack's eyes grew wide. “He said what?”
“I think he may be on to us, Jack.”
“There is no us, Daniel.”
“You made there be an us and now you want to take it back? Jack, I spent all week trying to figure this out, trying to understand this about myself. I watched gay porn to see if… Well, you get the idea. And you want to take it back?”
Jack's expression was carefully schooled, but Daniel could see him blinking rapidly. “That get you off?”
Daniel shook his head with exasperation. “Not exactly. But to be fair, porn rarely does much for me. I find the extraneous elements distracting. Visual pornography always feels very fake to me. It's sex without attachment, which has never appealed to me, honestly, and part of why my breadth of experience is pretty low. Because I never pursued anything that wasn't something more and I never made time for something more because it never took precedence over my studies. And then I was with Sarah and then she rightly dumped me and less than a year later I was married and living on an alien planet.
“But this is all beside the point. The point is that I just spent several days working myself around to the conclusion that there is an us, that apparently I'm overwhelmingly attracted to you and have managed to hide it even from myself for years. And you're going to now, after pressing me against a kitchen counter and basically promising to have your way with me, getting me harder than I've ever been in this body, going to tell me there is no us?”
Jack's posture finally shifted. He leaned his head back and Daniel could see his breath catch hard in his chest. “Jesus, Daniel,” he breathed.
“I don't know what the fuck I'm doing,” Daniel said.
“Me neither,” Jack said. “Sex, sure. But this has always been more than that.”
“Yeah,” Daniel said.
They looked at each other across the room. The distance suddenly felt like an even bigger gulf to Daniel.
“Are you ever going to move from plastered against the wall?” Daniel asked.
“I still don't really trust myself,” Jack said.
“But...”
“It's a gut feeling, Daniel. I misread things the other day pretty badly.”
“You hear me saying you didn't, not exactly, right?”
“I still took advantage of you.”
Daniel stood up and took a step toward the other side of the room. Jack practically flinched.
“You can't make me make every move here,” Daniel objected. “I'm scared to death.”
“And you think I'm not?”
They both stayed still, at a standoff, for several minutes. Finally, Daniel said, “I'm going to have a beer. And sit on your sofa. And you should join me. Maybe there's some sporting event I can pretend to watch. Or you could edge around the walls and look uncomfortable, I guess.”
“I knew you didn't care about that hockey game,” Jack accused, but Daniel noted he no longer seemed entirely stuck to the wall.
“Sporting events are mostly interesting for how easily fan culture helps people fall into othering the opposing team,” Daniel said, sitting on one side of the sofa and withdrawing a random beer from the six pack. It had an interesting label with elaborate artwork.
“God, Daniel, do you have to ruin sports and beer by intellectualizing it?” Jack wandered into the kitchen and Daniel heard him rummaging in the drawers. He came back a second later holding a bottle opener. “Even pornography?”
“It doesn't mean it's not enjoyable. I can enjoy the beer, get buzzed, appreciate it as social lubrication, even while knowing it's a social lubricant and thinking about the history of beer in our culture.”
Jack placed the bottle opener on the table then seemed to hesitate about what to do next.
“Sit on the sofa,” Daniel said quietly.
Jack sat, though on the opposite end of the sofa, seemingly as far away as possible. They both opened beers and Jack turned on the TV. There was no game apparently, but he put on a sports news show filled with clips and commentary.
For about twenty minutes they sat in mostly silence watching and drinking, until a beer commercial that was basically a wet T-shirt contest for three busty blondes came on and Daniel sputtered a laugh that turned into coughing down the last swallow of his beer.
“It's just the juxtaposition,” he complained. “You and me and… that.”
Jack gave him a sidelong look that Daniel interpreted as at least a little bit amused.
“This might be hysterical laughter,” Daniel said.
“Ya think?”
Daniel toed off his shoes and slid his feet onto the sofa where they rested close to Jack on the other side. He shifted his position so he was leaned against the side arm, facing Jack, knees up, feet at the edge of Jack's thighs.
Jack sighed. He reached over to the remote and turned the TV off in the middle of basketball highlights. He turned toward Daniel.
“Geez, Daniel.”
“Talk to me.”
“About what?”
Daniel shrugged. In a way, it didn't matter what Jack talked about. He just wanted to hear him talk. “You know what I did all week. What did you do other than throw your career away? And I really hope we can reverse that.”
Jack made a humph sound. “Maybe.”
“So?”
“What do you think I did? Mostly drank myself into a stupor for two days working up the courage to quit. Then handed in my resignation and came home. I still feel like I did something terrible, Daniel.”
“I'm sorry.”
Jack furrowed his brow but didn't turn away.
“Why did you… I mean, you don't have to tell me, I guess. I just, my view of you is indefinitely altered here.”
“I'm the same guy.”
“Obviously. That wasn't what I meant.”
Jack closed his eyes. “I don't talk about this stuff.”
Daniel scooted forward on the sofa so that his feet were closer to Jack. His knees bent more. His hand reached out to Jack's shoulder. “Internalized homophobia...”
“Daniel.” Jack sounded exasperated.
“Sorry. When I'm nervous, sometimes I over-intellectualize.”
Jack looked at Daniel's hand on his shoulder, his toes in their socks touching his leg. “What do you want to know? Yes, I've had sex with men. Yes, not just once.”
“Did you always find men attractive?”
“Yeah. But you didn't do that when I was a kid.”
“Have you ever been in love?” Daniel leaned his head against the side of the sofa, watching Jack. He mostly just wanted to hear Jack's voice, but he was also reveling in the newness of watching Jack, watching his mouth move, watching his eyes shift, watching his fingers lightly drum on his knee. It was different, seeing Jack this way. Daniel was trying to focus on how it made him feel and not over-analyze it, but it was hard.
Jack's eyes looked startled and he looked right at Daniel. “I was in love with my wife,” he said carefully.
“Okay. I don't know how this works. For you.”
“Love is against the rules for men,” Jack said.
“There are rules?”
“Everything has rules.”
“And you follow them?”
“Rules are what keep you from being dishonorably discharged. Or your wife leaving you. Never at home. No names. No second times. No emotional attachments.” Jack looked away.
Daniel slid his feet off the sofa. Now he was very close to Jack. “Is that what this would be?”
Jack was breathing deeply. Daniel could hear him, was close enough to smell him. It had taken the better part of an hour, but they were finally in the same space, which was what he had wanted, if he could bring himself to admit it, ever since Jack opened the door.
“You always make me break all the rules, Daniel,” Jack said softly.
Daniel felt Jack's words move through him, stirring him, making him feel in ways he couldn't remember having felt in years. It wasn't just sexual, this connection. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had looked at him with such unabashed love and affection as what was in Jack's eyes. But it also was sexual, which he was trying not to freak out about again. The same questions that had wracked his brain all week kept coming back to him. Was it just Jack? Was this something about himself he'd literally missed for years? He was always so easily distracted, even from romance. He had been incredibly dense when his own wife had basically thrown herself at him the first time. He thought of himself as having a healthy attitude toward sex, but that attitude meant he didn't have any sense of shame or embarrassment about taking care of his own needs, and he rarely developed sexual feelings about anyone, male or female. Except now he was looking at Jack feeling extremely sexual feelings.
“I'd love it if you'd kiss me again now,” Daniel said. When he heard his own voice, it startled him. It was shaky and low. This was what people meant about voices thick with desire.
“You're shaking,” Jack said, but he put his hand on Daniel's knee and squeezed gently. Daniel sucked in a breath. “If you throw up again, I might not be able to take it.”
“I really can't make any promises.”
Jack's thumb circled his knee. “Daniel, I still don't...”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
Heart pounding, Daniel leaned forward and tilted his head, moving into the kiss he'd demanded. It was totally different from the two kisses of the week before. Jack wasn't needy or demanding, but hesitant. He kissed tentatively, moving his lips against Daniel's slowly, almost methodically. They slowly parted and the kiss became open mouths, tongues just grazing each other.
Daniel reached his hand up to Jack's face, stroking lightly against his cheek. The kissing was familiar, but the feel of stubble wasn't. The newness of it, the reality of knowing this was another man he was kissing went buzzing through him, making his heart pound. It was surprisingly erotic.
Jack pulled back slowly and Daniel sighed, leaving his hand at Jack's cheek, stroking with his thumb. He didn't open his eyes, but leaned forward into Jack's neck, breathing, taking in the smell of him. Jack smelled like the German beer he'd drank from the six pack Daniel brought, a sort of citrus smell that was probably his shampoo, and the clean spicy smell of sweat. Like the stubble, it was unmistakably masculine and oddly erotic. Daniel couldn't remember ever getting aroused by anyone's smell like this.
They fell into a second kiss, more open and loose than the one before and Daniel could taste the tang of the beer on his own tongue. His mind reeled, but his body reacted and after a minute, when Jack's hand reached around to his back, Daniel reacted by following it and found himself practically on top of Jack on the sofa.
The kiss came to a natural end, both of them taking a breath, Jack moaning slightly. His hand was on Daniel's hip and he tugged him forward. Daniel let himself be pulled. They were half sideways on the sofa, their legs entangled. Daniel felt Jack's breath and the gentle burn of his cheek rubbing into his neck.
“What happens next?” Daniel asked.
“I don't want to think about that,” Jack said. “We can talk about work and the team and rules and… Right now I don't want to stop.” Jack sounded breathless and Daniel couldn't help but think how different Jack sounded when he was aroused.
“Okay,” Daniel said. “But I meant what happens next now. I wasn't kidding when I said I had no idea what I was doing.”
Jack pulled him into another kiss, this one more sure and forceful then flipped them, going from the one leaning back to pressing Daniel back against the sofa, his body poised above him. Daniel had always known Jack was all muscle but it was one thing to know it and another to feel it intimately. And yet another to realize how much it was turning him on. He shivered and felt himself shake as Jack pulled back.
“Second thoughts?”
“Eighth maybe? Twelfth? Not the way you mean.”
“Bed next?”
Daniel nodded, and tried to ignore that it didn't really answer his original question.
He'd seen Jack's bedroom before, but couldn't think of any time he'd actually been in there. The bed was made and the room was neat, much tidier than Daniel kept his own space, though he supposed that military habits were hard to break.
He stood at the edge of the bed, unsure about what to do. He hadn't had sex with anyone in years, something he hadn't felt ashamed about before but now seemed relevant to how overexcited he was. And he still didn't know what this sex would be like. What would Jack want? And would he be able to do whatever it was that Jack liked? When he'd gone to bed with the few women he'd had sex with, the assumed parameters were so clear. There was nothing clear about this.
“You're thinking too much again,” Jack said, coming up behind him, running a hand along Daniel's arm.
Jack sat on the edge of the bed in what was obviously an invitation. Daniel could see that he was still nervous to lead, but Daniel needed him to, wanted it. Sometimes even the most intrepid peaceful explorers want a map.
Daniel sat next to him and put his hand on Jack's arm. He was warm even through his shirt.
Jack sighed. “Daniel, do you need me to tell you that, given what you said, I wouldn't ever in a million years expect to fuck you tonight.”
Daniel felt his cheeks flush and knew he'd probably turned red. He nodded, trying to make himself look at Jack again. He was still incredibly turned on despite his embarrassment at feeling like a blushing virgin.
Jack leaned into him, kissing his neck. When Daniel responded with a moan and by putting his hands on Jack's chest, Jack added his tongue, licking up to Daniel's earlobe then nipping at it. Daniel moaned again. It was crazy how sexy this was. It still seemed beyond insane.
“When we do that – if we ever do that,” Jack whispered in his ear, “I'll want you to do me first anyway.”
“Oh,” Daniel said aloud, slightly stunned. He had so many assumptions, he realized. He moved to straddle Jack on the bed, kissing him again, continuing to run his hands over Jack's chest.
Jack pulled back long enough to pull his shirt over his head then leaned back in for another long, open kiss, while unbuttoning Daniel's plaid shirt.
Now that Jack's shirt was off, Daniel could feel the softness of his chest hair over the center of his chest. Different. Everything was so different. But even touching another person was different. This body, Daniel was keenly aware, had never touched anyone like this, male or female. He ran his fingers over Jack's nipples, feeling them harden as he circled with his thumb. Jack reacted with a moan into Daniel's mouth, wrapping his hands around Daniel's hips and pulling them both down onto the bed, Daniel now stretched entirely on top of him.
“I've wanted this for so long,” Jack said, his voice breathy and tight.
“It's been a really long time since there was anyone,” Daniel said. “I don't think I'm going to last long.” He was already grinding into Jack's hip. In this position, it was impossible not to. And impossible not to feel Jack's erection pressed into his belly. Everything was still blunted by clothing, which Daniel thought might be the only reason he hadn't come yet. He could barely ever remember being this turned on.
“Good,” Jack growled. “I'd hate to be the only one. Besides, we have all night.”
After that, Daniel couldn't say much of the order of things. The part where clothes were pulled all the way off was both frantic and awkward, bumped knees and the absurdity of trying to remove pants while horizontal on a bed.
The moment Jack slid his pants off and his dick sprang free, Daniel felt another heady rush of confusion and dizziness. He had seen Jack naked numerous times, but never like this. It was overwhelming, just like he had said before. Jack looked beautiful. He had scars with stories Daniel knew and ones he didn't. He was a map of stories. He was just getting soft from age, but mostly he was still sinew and muscle. And his dick was long and hard and beautiful as well. Daniel felt shivers run through him.
His own clothes were off so that meant that as Jack took him into his arms again, they were naked together, nothing between Daniel and all of Jack's warm skin everywhere.
“You okay?” Jack asked in his ear as he nipped at Daniel's neck then caressed his ear with a tongue.
Daniel struggled to respond. He shook into Jack's body, chaotically moving against him. He wanted something he couldn't even name. He wanted release, but he didn't even know what that looked like, so he found himself digging fingers into Jack's bare back and burying his face into Jack's neck, panting, shaking.
“Daniel?”
“Don't stop,”
“I've got you,” Jack said. “Let me just...”
Jack rolled over to the bedside table and came back with a half full container of lube, which made a terrible squelching noise as he squeezed some into his palm then rolled back to Daniel.
Jack's mouth found his again, and there was something calming about the assured way Jack kissed him, with controlled passion. With the slick, wet hand, Jack lined up their dicks, reaching his fingers around both of them together. Daniel gasped and he looked down between them to see this impossible sight, one that he had never dreamed would be as beautifully sexy as it was. He couldn't stop his hips from thrusting forward into Jack's grip, against Jack's own dick.
With his other hand, Jack guided Daniel up and over him while he laid back on his back, pressing his head into the pillow and baring his neck as he stroked them together firmly.
Part of Daniel couldn't help marveling at all the aspects of this that surprised him. The position worked. The feel of Jack's dick against his own was incredibly arousing. The sight of Jack below him, head back, eyes lidded, was also an incredible turn on. This was sex. This was sex with another man, but not at all what he had expected. And it was going to be over sooner than he wanted it to be.
Daniel moaned, a low moan that grew higher and turned into a whimper. Jack increased the pace, which made Daniel moan again. The feel of the warm wetness of Jack's hand and the heat and solid press of his dick made Daniel dizzy. The strength of Jack's body, his thighs against Daniel's, his chest heaving as he panted toward his release as well. It was all such a rush.
“I don't… I want it keep going...”
“It's okay. Come with me,” Jack urged, his voice thick and low.
And then Daniel was. He couldn't hold on any longer and he felt his balls draw up and his body stutter as ribbons of semen shot over Jack's hand and onto his chest. Daniel gasped as he watched between them, shocked at how something so messy and crass could be so beautiful and perfect.
“Jack,” he said, just a half whisper of a benediction after the moment of pleasure and then Jack was with him and he was watching Jack's own release, mingling across Jack's hand and onto his chest with Daniel's come.
“Oh,” Daniel said. “Oh, Jack.”
He bowed his head and felt himself gulp in too much air. “Jack,” he said again.
Jack was huffing out the last of his own pleasure. He closed his eyes. “Daniel.” Then he made several indistinct noises. “Nng. Just let me...”
Jack carefully unwrapped his hand and rolled Daniel off him, with such strength and ease it let Daniel know to what extent Jack was still in charge of everything about this.
As Jack laid on his side, he wrapped an arm around Daniel and pulled them closer, so that their lips were just a scant inch apart. “You okay?” he asked.
Daniel wanted to speak, but he found there weren't words. “Okay,” Jack said. “Yeah. You're not shaking now. Is that good or bad.”
“Good,” Daniel managed to whisper.
“Good,” Jack replied. He used his T-shirt to do a quick clean up then curled up next to Daniel in the bed and fell asleep.
* * *
“You won't shove me on the gate ramp again,” Daniel said.
Jack had been peacefully asleep, but hearing Daniel's voice, alert, brought him out of sleep. Daniel was still next to him, naked in bed, propped up slightly on the pillows.
“I'll try not to.”
“It would be a lovers' quarrel if it happened now,” Daniel said.
“You're not going to get hysterical again, are you? Or throw up?” Jack sounded hesitant.
“No,” Daniel said. “But you'll come back, right?”
Jack's eyes closed. “Yes.”
“Okay. That's good.”
“It'll be hard to break the rules,” Jack said. “It's fraternization, no matter how you look at it. It's not just the gay thing. It's that you're under my command.”
Daniel nodded. “So… it wasn't once. It wasn't no names and back alleys. Right? Because, Jack...” He struggled to put into words what he needed to say.
“Yeah?” Jack said after a long pause.
“That was incredible. And I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to do it again. Or… whatever else you do.”
Jack rolled Daniel onto his back and climbed atop him, pressing him into a kiss that was lazy but demanding. “I told you we had all night.”
“Longer.”
“As long as we want.”