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“Runner Five!” Archie beamed and waved. “Over here!”
“I think she can see you without all the waving,” Nadia said. She didn’t sound annoyed, though. Nadia always sounded like she was trying to hide a smile whenever she spoke to Archie.
Runner Five jogged up to Archie. Archie’s hair was in lopsided braided pigtails; the left was fatter than the right. She was wearing a baby carrier, and inside it was the little puppy Jamie had given her.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Archie said. “She’s wearing a puppy nappy! Well actually, it is a baby nappy, but she is a puppy, and puppy and nappy make the same ending noise, so it’s much more satisfying to call it a ‘puppy nappy.’ Don’t you think so, Five?”
Five shrugged. Archie pursed her lips in disappointment, prompting Five to reach out and scritch the puppy. Its pink and black tongue lolled out of its mouth as it panted in enjoyment.
“I know, I need to give her a name. Give… it a name? Do you think dogs have genders, Runner Five? Not sexes. Obviously they have sexes! But do they have genders? If they do have genders, how do we know we are using the right one? What if dog genders are based on something other than what human genders are? What if… they are based on personality? Or whether they like to run and play fetch or not?”
Nadia cleared her throat. “Archie?”
“Oh yes.” Archie nodded. “Like I was saying, I know I need to give her a name, but there are just too many good options! Plus I will have a chicken soon, and then I will need a doggy name and a chicken name—”
“Okay guys,” Nadia interrupted. “You’re getting close to that comm station. You should be seeing the chickens any minute now.”
“I see them!” Archie stopped running to jump up and down. “Look, Runner Five! Chickens! Hopefully there will be less exploding than last time we were here. Do you remember last time, Runner Five?”
“I don’t think people usually forget exploding chickens,” Nadia said.
“Yes, that was very sad,” Archie said. “I miss Mildred Van der Graaf. This time, I am more prepared! I have a backpack for putting chickens in. Well, maybe only one chicken. The point is, no chickens will explode this time. Hopefully.”
Her puppy perked up in the sling and barked at the chickens, who scattered.
“Maybe you should have left the puppy here with us,” Nadia said.
“No! Fresh air is good for a baby doggy,” Archie said. “And now the chicken catching is more fun. It will be like a game! Come on, Runner Five! We have to chase the chickens!”
“That sounds like a euphemism, but I’m not sure what for,” Nadia teased.
“Here, chicken chicken chicken!” Archie darted off after a chicken. “Come get in the backpack! It is nice and warm and safe for chickens! Here, chicken chicken chicken!
Runner Five followed suit, albeit a bit less enthusiastically. Once they had cornered and grabbed their chickens, Five helped Archie stuff her chicken into the backpack.
“Runner Five is so fast!” Archie cooed. “And very strong. I like to watch her run. And now she has helped me catch a chicken!”
“Are you flirting with Runner Five?” Nadia asked.
“Maybe a little,” Archie said. “Oh, no need to look like that, Runner Five! You are worried about Jamie?”
Five nodded.
“Don’t worry, Runner Five. Jamie and I can both kiss all the pretty ladies we want to. We can even have sex with any pretty ladies we want to. Or boys… or other genders… I only said pretty ladies because, well, you are a pretty lady, and I was thinking about kissing you. Jamie could kiss you too, if he wanted to, and if you wanted to… although, perhaps Jamie is not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’? He is a tall firefighter with a lot of muscles that he uses to carry babies and puppies around, which I would think is a lot of people’s ‘cup of tea,’ but if you do not like tea, perhaps you like... coffee? Yes. Coffee. I am coffee in this analogy. Is it an analogy? Maybe it is more of a... metaphor? I know it is not a simile…”
“Guys?” Nadia interjected. “Zoms at your six. About, maybe… a dozen? You’d best get a move on.”
Runner Five grabbed Archie’s hand and pulled her toward New Canton.
Archie patted the puppy’s head as she cheerfully jogged along. “Runner Five, do you like coffee?”
Five nodded, trying not to laugh at Archie’s earnestness.
“I am sad we don't have coffee anymore. Only on the black market for lots and lots of rations, and I keep eating my rations. But that is a small thing to be sad about, in the zombie apocalypse..."
“I don't want to think about you drinking coffee,” Nadia said, the smile not even hidden now. "I feel like you'd move so fast time would stand still around you."
"That could help me escape from the fast zoms!" Archie said brightly. "Maybe runners should have coffee rations before we go out. It would also help with the pooping before long runs..."
"True." Nadia laughed. "We could avoid a repeat of what happened to Runner 172 a few weeks ago."
"It is better to do all the pottying before leaving New Canton," Archie said. "Or Abel, in your case, Runner Five. Runner 172 is lucky to have good friends to run distractions. That's what runners do—we run, and a lot of times we are the distraction... I would be the distraction for you if you needed to potty on a run. That's what friends are for. Very good friends... running friends... friends who are not just friends?"
"Are you still trying to flirt with Runner Five?" Nadia asked. "I'm not sure talking about toilet functions is the best way to get someone into bed. Although to each their own... Watch out, guys. Some zoms in that car park have spotted you."
"Fast zoms?" Archie asked.
"Doesn't look like it. But keep up the pace anyway."
Archie's face flushed pink, whether from exertion or emotion Five couldn't tell.
"I am maybe not so good at traditional flirting, it is true... but sometimes it is still very effective! Like with Jamie. And some other people. Anyway, flirting is fun! I like flirting, even if it is not effective. But I will stop if it makes Runner Five uncomfortable."
Five smiled and shook her head.
"See! Runner Five likes my flirting," Archie said. "And look, I have flirted all the way back to New Canton! It makes the run feel shorter."
"Good work," Nadia said. "Take the chickens to the NC Ministry of Livestock and Agriculture and then Runner Five can head home. I'm signing off now."
Five and Archie jogged at a leisurely pace to the Ministry of Livestock and Agriculture, which was essentially a farmyard inside a shared conference room.
"No!" A woman shouted at a goat. "Do not eat my quarterly report! Bad Annie, naughty!"
"We have chickens!" Archie announced. "Here is your new home, chickens."
She and Runner Five deposited their chickens on the floor. Archie's immediately ran over to the woman and began pecking at her shoes.
"Bye bye!" Archie said, cheerfully oblivious to the woman's distress. "Come on, Runner Five! I will show you back to the gate so you can go home to Abel. If you want to go home right now, I mean. Or you could stay... there is still plenty of daylight left." She led the way through the maze-like corridors. "Maybe you could stay for lunch. Or maybe you might want... coffee?"
She glanced up at Five, a bit more coy than before. Five stopped running, and so did she.
"I would love some coffee," Five said, and then she kissed Archie.
It was the quietest Archie had been all day. She grabbed Five by the neck, kissing her eagerly.
“Mmm,” Archie said when they stopped to catch their breath. “It’s nice to kiss a friend. We are two friends, kissing… You are a very good kisser! A little bit shy, maybe, but you do a nice thing with your tongue that makes me knees all wobbly! Perhaps... you want to come back to my room? For the coffee? Only the metaphorical coffee, because I don't have real coffee, but we could get naked and do sexy things, if you wanted?"
Runner Five laughed and kissed Archie again.