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You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Daz, I’ve finally, finally got a job! All those blasted forms and that job club shite and where do I get a job – from a mate of Daniel’s at the pub.

Oh I haven’t told you about Dan’s job have I? His new bird seems to have got him well and truly by the balls. He is waitering and pullin’ pints at this new place, The Dark Castle Inn, it’s under Bolsover castle where that sex shop used to be. The landlord is mad, completely crackers, wears a top hat behind the bar, one of those cravat thingys and a flowery waistcoat. Thought I’d better check it out ‘cus Ricky said it’s a druggy gay bar. So I turns up, bit worried like, and it is heaving with men, that just made me more panicky, but I says to myself, ‘gotta make sure Dan’s OK’. Turns out it’s Topless Tuesday. The bar staff, starkers on top, Dan’s grinning like a loon and getting froth licked of his nipps. The girls are raking in the tips and the Mad Hatter guy is making a bigger killing on the pool table. The balls just vanish! Had an absolute cracker of a night.

So we got a lock in after time, Dan’s mad at me for assuming he was in trouble, but he is still grinning like a Cheshire cat. His girlfriend Anna calls me a ‘disgusting homophobe’ and says why the hell should it matter anyway. I says, I’m not against gays and it is just that we don’t get that sort of person round here, so she calls me ‘a blind, stupid disgusting homophobe’.

But, anyways, they goes off snogging and I’m left with the barmaids, they’ve got tops on now which I must say is a bit of relief ‘cus I wouldn’t know how to stop looking, I’m not that much of a perv’ (dunna give me that look Daz) but I just can’t help but be hypnotised by all them darn gorgeous squidgy things bouncing about. I’m pretty much ignored by them anyway ‘cus they can’t keep their hands off hat man, who turns out to be called, just boring old, Jeff. He’s just handing out free ale and shots and I’m sure he has gotta be on something ‘cus his eyes seem to spin.

The juke box is really loud and turned up even higher, Anna turns out to be a screamer and yer lad must be damn handy, by the sound of her. I asks Jeff if he is not scared of the cops closing him down and he just grins and says, they are some of his best customers as long as he lets them flog their dodgy disabled parking badges and the like.

Then, if this night couldn’t get any better, he hands me £500 and an address, says his boss needs a handy man come gardener for six months and I’m just the guy they have been looking for. So I have to tell him about my hand but he convinces me that it was not a problem. His boss is a bit of a recluse and has a large estate up in Scotland apparently. I can live in his effing castle, and make £10,000! No tax, no forms, no questions! He says I’d be doing him a big favour as it will give the love birds some freedom to shag our house down so they are not screeching in his back room.

Well I’m umming and ahhing ‘cus it just sounds too good to be true. So I asks Jeff if I’m gonna be safe with this geezer, I wanna check he aint some axe wielding maniac who loves to kill his gardeners and bury ‘em in the garden for the next one to dig up. He smirks, so wide and says that he has survived eons with him and the worst that will happen is that I will get turned into a slug! Says that I will hardly see him, he is heartbroken and mainly brooding in his tower, but the housekeeper, she’s the one who will be after my ass. And Danny, whose back with his now much less fierce girlfriend, says to us, ‘what the fuck have you got to lose Shaun’ and he is right what have I got to lose?

Message received 8 April 02.50

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You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Shit Gaz. I’m in an actual bloody castle with suits of armour and swords and pikes stuck to the walls. And there is an unbelievably gorgeous sexy woman two doors down wearing nothing but bright red panties asking me to come and have a cuddle.

So what did I do? I haven’t had sex in so long I just panicked and like an idiot I’ve locked myself in my room! I’m freaking out! I think I‘m dead or dreaming or that Hat man has given me something freaky. This just can’t be real. Aaaaaaagh. Ok think, think, I will start at the beginning.

I turned up at the pub, Jeff the Hat, said he would take me, like, and introduce me to everyone. So he sits me down gives me some coffee and then starts messing with his smoke machine. Anyway next thing I knew I was in Scotland, the full monty – mountains, snow, eff off huge castle. He says I passed out. I think I might still be out of it mate.

So we went in, over a bloody moat and through these massive doors. It was rather eerie inside full of armour and weapons and display cases with all sorts of weird shit in. Looks like one of those stately homes the school took us to. You know like the one where you set off all the alarms by trying to push me out of the window.

There is not a soul inside and Hat man starts shouting, but no one came. So he slumps down by this huge fire and we just waited.

So about 10 minutes go by and then this gorgeous woman appears. She is tiny, blonde, kind of like Marilyn, with these piercing blue eyes and she is effing and blinding at Jeff but giving him a big hug. She sounds like an Aussie but a ferocious one, a demented Koala or a wombat (is that an Aussie thing, I dunno), anyway, you get what I mean she is cute but deadly. So she finally looks at me and just rolls her eyes back and says, “not another fucking one”.

Jeff goes off to talk to the boss and I get put to work carrying logs from the wood store to the hearth in the hall and then making up baskets of logs for the bedrooms. My bedroom is huge, with a big 4-poster, a fire, settee and even my own bathroom with a huge sunken tub and a loo that looks like it is made of gold. I just have to laugh every time I have to go.

I had just settled in my tub when I hears the Aussie screeching for dinner. So I get dressed and oh it was just so embarrassing because I had to walk down this massive winding staircase and they are all there in the Great Hall staring at me. Lacey, the gorgeous Aussie is there with a blue dress so small it is hardly covering a thing, the Hatter is all wrapped up in fancy embroidery and cravats and a huge purple hat. Then I sees it, the other guy, the boss, he leaps up and is clapping his hands and giggling and he looks like a rock star ready for some freaky show cus he is kind of covered in gold glitter with long hair and this leather outfit with what looks like spikes on the shoulder. Anyway I made it to the bottom and slipped into the seat they had set me. The gold guy is just giggling, Lacey is tutting and the Hatter is humming some crazy tune. I just tried to breathe and eat. Breathe and eat.

It was like a huge roast with all the trimmings, a full Christmas dinner at the club. There was wine, I drunk loads, and you know I don’t drink too much now but I was shaking and it kind of helped. I had no idea what they were talking about. The boss guy is called Rum and he keeps going on about his deals. I’m thinking it is drugs they are involved in or maybe he is just some old rocker, loaded and nuts. But then this Rum just stares at me and he has got some weird contact lenses in so his eyes are like orange and out of some horror movie and he says, “What did we do with our hand?” So I freaked and just told him everything and you know I don’t tell a soul that story. But you’d tell anything to those eyes, I tell you.

It seemed to put him in a bad mood. He sulked off after that, not seen him since. Hatters gone too. So I’m just left here locked in my room, hiding from Lacey and her underwear. And Jesus I’ve just realised she was wearing black underwear with that dress so it means she changed them just for me. I tell you I must be off my head.

Message received 9 April 01.00 am

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You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Daz, this shit is getting weirder I tell you. I crept down to breakfast this morning and the Gold guy is at the table, still in all his rock show gear, glinting in the morning sun, his little finger all poked out while he drinks from a china cup, looks so posh - apart from the cup has gotta large chip in it. So he grins at me and says: “How was Lacey?” So I must have gone all sorts of red ‘cus he looks at me and starts tutting and says “Give into it dearie, they always get you in the end, and in the meantime she will sulk and be insufferable”.

So he then asks me what I would like for breakfast, I put in my usual request - bacon sarnie, brown sauce, builder-strength tea. And it just appears! Right before my eyes, so I’m like looking around for a waiter or summat to explain this shit and there is just a bit of smoke, nout else. Gold guy is just grinning at me. He leaps up and bows and says “The name is Rrrrrumplestiltskin, the Dark One, welcome to the Dark Castle dearie. Lacey always wants to break you in gently but I prefer the startled look. I’m a sorcerer, you are part of me from another time frame, enjoy the magic but remember to pay the price! We need a rose garden, Lace will show you where. Must hurry now, deals to make, people to find.” Then he just disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

I don’t know what the fuck to do or think after that Daz. So I’m hiding again. Tell you what though, it were a crackin’ bacon butty.

Message received 9 April 10.02 am

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You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Daz, help, what do I do? I’ve got a date with Lacey and I’m supposed to be getting ready but I can’t remember what the hell I’m supposed to do. I’ve had a shave, cleaned me stinky bits, got on my cleanest clothes, what now, she said an hour, what the hell do I do next? Teeth, brush my teeth…

So yeah, Lacey found me this morning, she was sulking. Rumpiewarrever was right about that. Anyways she takes me outside to like a courtyard within the walls of the castle. It is an overgrown thorny mess. So she shows me a shed full of tools and stuff and tells me to get to work clearing it all out. So I’m like lugging out all these weeds and shit, broken pots, smashed glass and broken cupboards. Meanwhile Lacey is reclining on a sun lounger reading, in the diddiest shorts and vest possible. I’m sweating buckets, it is really hot, she is really hot. Then I realised, yesterday it was thick snow, we were in Scotland, big mountains, trees and shite. So I plucks up the courage to ask her. She says Jeff has worked out how to jump the whole castle through his hat so we will be searching somewhere else today. I just looks at her blankly. She says “Yep it is all mad I know. Just go with it. It’s like one of those stupid shows you get into where people can fly and perform magic and it is all to do with some experiment gone wrong. It doesn’t make any sense but in the end you get into the action and start shipping the dreamy one with the odd angry one, so you don’t really care. You just go with it and accept it.”

“Then they do something completely impossible and out of character, contradictory to the previous plot and so you just ignore the show and spend all night not being kissed and writing fan fic to fix it all”.

With that she flounced off. Huffing, but wiggling her hips. Jeez it was hard to dig with a hard on.

She came back later with sandwiches and pints of frothy ale. She downed hers, and grinned at me and tried to find out why I hadn’t gone with her last night. So I just came up with some shite about dating before-hand and getting to know her like. So she says “Right - tonight 8pm, date night.”

I spent the rest of the day moving out all the rubbish and chucking it into the moat. Lacey says Rum keeps getting mad and smashing things. It is all since he lost his wife Belle. I think Lacey misses her too cus she got all teary and vanished for a bit.

Shit, it’s five to 8 wish me luck.

Message received 9 April 7.56 pm

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You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Daz daz daz dazzy dazzy daz. I’m in absolute heaven Daz but I feel so shite too cus I’ve left you again but she is so pretty and soooo funny and she’s got these legs and oh the lips and these eyes to drown in and I’m so fucking pissed and happy and sad. Daz forgive me.

She is a goddess Daz, and she can’t half drink. She’d give you a run for your money I tell you. She took me to his cellar. Turns out this is fucking magical too. You sit at this little table she has set up and just order what you fancy, tap this glass ash tray thing with a mixing stick thingy and it appears. Apparently you don’t really need the stick but Rum likes taking the piss out of her and makes her work for the juice. I tried all sorts of stuff. Started off with the bitter but after a while I starts going for cocktails like “Sex on the beach”, Ok mainly so I can say to her “let’s have sex on the beach”. Everything just turns up. She sticks to her bubbles, vodka and tonic, champagne and something about greyhounds but I didn’t get that and I’m not sure I wanna know.

We had burgers and then she decides she must have this special biscuit for pudding. But she is so pissed she can’t remember what it is called. So she is dancing around twirling a straw in the air, her hair is full of these cocktail umbrellas with flowery patterns on, I’ve been putting a new one in after every cocktail I finish. And she is describing the biscuit of her dreams “Soft sugar crusted, ginger cookies with molasses” and tapping impatiently at the ashtray. It was just so adorable I had to kiss her. And now Daz, Im in fucking heaven.

That biscuit never did turn up though, so there must be a limit to this magic, she says the name is the important thing, you have to get the name right. We went for chocolate chip cookies, melt in your mouth, as warm and as gorgeous and sweet as her kisses.

“Shaun! Shaun, who the hell are you talking to?”

Shit, gorra go

Message received 10 April 1.56 am

Chapter Text

“See Shaun, that’s much better now isn’t it”, purred Lacey.

“Yep you are right giving Barbara a good talking to is much more enjoyable that talking to a dead man on his knackered old phone”, I said. “I hope you don’t think I’m a dick for constantly talking to Daz, but I promised I’d never leave him see, I know It’s daft but it just kind of helps, you know, to keep in touch.”

I’m lying between her thighs. It feels like summer again, warm, blissful peace. I’m feeling a bit guilty though.

“Sorry Lace, that I didn’t last, it has been a long time.”

“Shaun”, she sighed. “Stop worrying you more than made up for it. Barbara is feeling goooooood. And stop worrying about talking to Daz, it’s OK, Belle and I, we write to our dead parents all the time, in our journals. You’re right it helps. But I would prefer you talked to Barbara rather than Daz all of the time. Just kind of try not to call him every day, cut it down a bit, let him rest.

“Lacey, why do you call your pussy Barbara?”

Lacey looks me in the eye and grins. “It’s after a singer, Barbara Streisand. Well, Belle and I, we are red-heads you see and it was kind of a joke between us when we got stuck in this realm without shaving equipment. I called hers Annie ‘cus she was all red with overgrown curls! You see Rum thought she had chestnut brown hair, not strawberry, ‘cus she had always dyed her hair and shaved her bits and she hadn’t told him, it was like our code words so we could talk about it and he wouldn’t catch on. I dyed my hair blonde so he could tell us apart and so I didn’t squick him out too much. ‘Cus me and her we are like the same, but I’m the cursed version, the evil up-to-no-good twin, oh you know, it’s complicated, just go with it, easier on the brain.”

I’m stroking her thigh, the other is my gorgeous pillow, a pillow with a fine view. A slick pussy, my new best mate Barbara, all covered in her come and my saliva, sparkling in the fire light.

“Lacey,” I ask, there is so much I need to know about my new love. “You know you said that your better half, this Belle, that she was Rum’s wife but he had lost her, how did she die?”

“Oh no Shaun, she is not dead, Rum would be able to tell. She is just literally lost. We are not sure where on earth, or space for that matter she went, even what time, what realm. We think she experimented with Jeff’s hat. Rum says she wouldn’t know how to operate it but I know her, she misses mothing, he thinks she is just hanging around salivating over his leather clad ass, but Belle, she can multi-task she will be working out how things work at the same time. That’s why he is always out searching, retracing his steps, checking out his doubles. He will find her…”

Lacey paused then managed a little smile and:
“I’m pretty lost without her too.”

I kissed her thigh and stroked her, edging back towards Barbs with my tongue. Through her happy humming she started to talk again, slowly, a bit breathlessly.

“He can feel her distress you see, strong emotions he feels them. Like he felt yours, and all of his doubles, that’s when he knows when he has to intervene. He says Belle is OK but he has to find her just in case it goes wrong and to say sorry, but it is difficult to pinpoint her unless she is feeling very emotional or if she calls him.”

I rested my tongue for a bit and asked, “What is he sorry about?”

“Oh, I’m sure there is a long list Shaun, he is a dark sorcerer after all. But he seems pretty keen on sorting that rose garden out for her. She likes things made without magic you see. Feels it is a cheat gift if he just pops it into existence. I think she will still be mad though because you are making it. He seems to think because you are kind of him and he is kind of you that it will count. ‘Living in the small print’ is what Belle calls it, drives her potty.”

I needed to know about Rum and his connection to me so I had to leave Barbara again and ask, “So you are saying he could feel my emotions and had to intervene. I was OK, a bit sad about Daz and worried about Dan and all, but I was OK.”

Lacey sighed “How long have you been talking to Daz on that phone Shaun? How long since you had an ordinary conversation with a living friend, and you can’t count Daniel ‘cus you are still just mothering him like you mothered Daz. Daniel needs space Shaun, Daz needs to rest in peace and you need to re-join the living.”

I wanted to scream at her, storm off, kick things, swear and …but I couldn’t she was right, I knew that really, and I was just feeling too mellow, pissed on magical cocktails, drunk on an orgasmic high. So I just settled in and got to know Barbara a bit better instead.

Chapter Text

I was a lot more confident these days. Could hold a conversation with the dark one without shaking too visibly. We were in the library, I was cuddled up with Lacey, Rum was striding up and down, Jeff was flicking playing cards into his hat from the other side of the room. They were all disappearing, god knows where. Lacey says he has an old girlfriend he likes to annoy by throwing stuff at her through the portal. Says he will stop when he gets to see his daughter again. Another one missing, for Rum to find. Along with Henry, Rum’s grandson who is also missing. His Mums turned up today demanding help. They were a bit rude to Rum but he will help, he always does, beside his threats and his bluster, he always helps out family. Lacey wasn’t pleased though, the Mums were together, like kissing together, and apparently that meant she owed Rum a shrubbery. It is some sort of running gag they have got going. I try not to be jealous but when they were together in the curse they used to watch Monty Python together to pass the time before they could get Belle back, Rum keeps appearing in a cloud of smoke shouting Niiiiiiiiiii in Lacey’s ear and then vanishing again. I’m only just getting used to it. I guess I will be the one planting that shrubbery any way.

Rum had finally settled and was spinning straw into gold. It was mesmerising. Lacey was reading some old book of Belle’s, research she called it. Looking for clues.

Then Rum jumped up. Giggling. He struck one of his poses and declared he was Sherlock Holmes and they would re-enact the night Belle went missing. (He has been watching re-runs of Belle’s favourite shows, Lacey and I can hear him shouting at the plot holes and sobbing when Belle’s OTPs comes on screen.)

So, Rum was Sherlock Holmes and himself, Jeff is being Lacey (and hamming it up like mad, he is going to get a thump later), Lacey is Belle and I’m some double called Rush. A moody scientist. Lacey is complaining cus I’m not being condescending enough.

They were replaying the conversations. Apparently Belle was on the couch reading Jane Austen and quoting bits to Rum who would respond with a kiss and an excerpt from some history of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Lacey was trying not to vomit at their lovey-dovey scene and distracting herself by arguing with Rush. Well everyone was arguing with Rush by the sound of it, but Belle suddenly got really getting bugged out because Rush was being rude about libraries. He said they were all outdated and everything should be on-line, it should be all about new discoveries, new science he was bragging about the knowledge from the ancients and that he didn’t mean earth’s ancients. Belle was saying that losing knowledge from the past was a folly that the world would be much more advanced if the old knowledge from the ancient libraries hadn’t been destroyed.

It was at that point that Rum got terribly excited. “What was the name of that Egyptian Library she kept going on about the one that got burnt down, and hundreds and thousands of scrolls had gone up in smoke. That she was trying to pin the blame on me for?

“Alexandria”, Lacey shouted, “she was going to name her first born after it”.

“Jefferson”, shouted Rum, grab the hat we are off to Alexandria, at least say a year before the fire, she will be there I bet you, smuggling out the scrolls, saving them.”

And they were gone. Puff, in another cloud of smoke.

We heard when Rum returned, well we heard Belle, screaming in pleasure, so Lacey reassured me. She just grinned and started singing “Tomorrow”.

When it was tomorrow, we found Belle and her scroll collection in the south tower and the west wing. Rum was rushing round grinning wildly and poofing shelving into existence.

Chapter Text

You’ve reached Daz’s phone, I aint picking up, too busy dying, leave a message after the beep, you wazzzzuckkkkk.

Hi Daz. This is goodbye mate I’m afraid. It is time I let go. It is time you rested my dear friend.

I’ve talked to Dan. He is doing fine. Finally getting some qualifications from that college. Catering stuff. Him and his girlfriend they are going to take on the pub. Jefferson is moving on and he says they will be perfect as long as they get the right bits of paper to please the powers that be. He looked cracking in his suit and tie getting his pub licence from the town hall. You’d be proud Daz, proud.

I’m staying here with Lacey, I worked out my contract but we are happy here. We found Belle and her and Lace well they are pretty inseparable. There are plenty of rooms you can pretty much go days without seeing anyone else, especially if you never leave the bedroom!

Belle and Rum well they are expecting and Lacey is getting broody too and oh well what else am I gonna do Daz? I’ve all I could possibly want here, a future, a family, friends. There is work. Rum always has a crazy mission he needs help with. So I get to travel too. I miss you, of course I miss you but it is good to be happy. You’d love it here. Magical booze, we would never get you out of the cellar.

I finished the rose garden, it is beautiful. I’ve planted a tree for you. Cherry blossom, like that one down the road. You remember that summer before it went wrong, we used to collect all the blossoms and cover the girls with them? Stick ‘em in their hair and down their pants. I’m gonna bury the phone there. So I will still come and visit. I will never leave you behind Daz, never again.

Message received 20 December 3pm