Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Wille

The minute Wille opens the door and sees Simon standing on his threshold – eyes red and puffy, bag over his shoulder – he knows what to do. Simon doesn’t even have to speak, Wille knows Marcus has done something wrong and Simon is the one to suffer from it. And Wille, he’ll be the one to clean up Marcus’s mess, as he always does.

A chill goes through him when the cold, November wind blows into the house. He shivers but he’s not sure it’s actually from the cold or from the anger that’s building like a rocket about to launch in his chest. But to see Simon like this – his best friend, so defeated – Wille decides to keep his “I told you so's” to himself, at least for now.

“Simon,” Wille starts, his voice filled with more affection than intended. He barely has time to brace himself before Simon drops his bag on the ground and throws himself around Wille’s neck, making him nearly lose his balance.

Simon’s crying fills Wille’s small hallway and it breaks Wille’s heart in a million pieces. But for now he just holds him. Breathes him in. Probably in a way that’s not very suitable for someone who’s “just friends.” Simon’s cologne fills his nostrils, together with his coconut flavored shampoo. To Wille it’s the best smell in the entire universe, one he would never get tired of.

They’d been best friends for six years. Simon had been the first person to welcome him when Wille had to switch school in third year of high school. Wille had been angry and done his best to stay invisible. It was just a year, no reason to get to know these people. He missed his last high school, his friends. And even if he still got to see his friends it wasn’t the same.

But Simon had decided that Wille wasn’t invisible, and by the third week Wille actually realized he liked going to school after all. In fact, it had been the favorite year of his 18 year old life when he graduated high school. As some kind of thank you, he’d bought Simon a chocolate calendar that year, and Simon had loved it so much he’d kept the empty box even long after the chocolate was gone. It had made Wille so immensely happy, he’d continued doing it every year since.

By the time they went to college, they were inseparable. Simon studied journalism, Wille studied business, so they didn’t have that many classes together. But they lived together at campus, hung out all the time when they weren’t in class. Even kissed a few times at some drunken college parties, which Wille never complained about by the way.

When people asked if they were dating, Simon usually just laughed it off. So Wille stayed quiet, even though he knew he was falling deeper and deeper into the heart-shaped hole with “Simon” written all over it. He thought about saying something, more than once. But every time something or someone came in the way. And suddenly, it felt like he’d waited too long.

Then, Simon had met Marcus. Wille hated the guy. Not just some regular dislike. No, red-eyed, chest tightening, fist curling HATE.

The moment Simon had introduced them, Wille had dragged Simon away and asked him if he was really sure about this guy. If he really knew him. Simon had just looked at him with a deadpanned gaze, before he turned around without uttering a single word.

It had led to them barely speaking for two weeks, and it had made Wille so insanely miserable that he’d said he was sorry. That he trusted Simon’s judgment and he would try to be nice to Marcus.

Thinking back now, it had been one of the hardest tasks Wille had ever endured. Being nice to the person you hate – but your best friend somehow says he loves – is almost impossible. But he’d made the best of it, even though it broke his heart and made him wish for a voodoo doll every time he saw them together or Simon even mentioned his boyfriend at the time.

“Come on, Simon,” Wille tries slowly when Simon’s crying turns into small sniffles. Simon dries his eyes and bends down to pick up his bag, but Wille snatches it from him before he has time to fling it over his shoulder. It earns him a tiny smile, but it’s enough to make Wille’s chest bloom.

He shouldn’t bathe in Simon’s heartbreak. And he really tries not to, but he has to admit that it feels kind of nice to know he was right, something he would never admit out loud. He doesn’t know what happened between Simon and Marcus, but he’s definitely finding out. Because if the guy had intentionally hurt his best friend, he would have to pay for that, preferably with Wille’s fist against Marcus’s jaw.

Simon flips off his shoes and hangs his jacket by the door and walks into Wille’s living room. It’s such a normal thing, it’s happened a million times before. But this time still feels different. Wille can’t really put his finger on it. But maybe the fact that the moment of Simon sitting on his couch right now is filled with opportunities instead of restraint has something to do with it.

That Wille can actually hold Simon’s hands that fiddles with the hem of his hoodie, stroke his knuckles, and it could actually mean something more. That Wille can look into those big, brown, shiny eyes and see something more than just a friend. That he can provide Simon with a comfort that can only come from love higher than best friend level.

No, stop it.

Wille shakes his head. Simon just got dumped, or at least that’s what Wille’s brain has chosen to believe. Simon has to heal his heart before he can let anyone else in. But then again, what if Wille can be the one to help him heal it? Wille’s arms are the ones Simon seeks comfort in; maybe he can seek it in his heart too?

Simon keeps his eyes down, and throws his arms around himself like a hug. His legs tucked under him, like he wants to make himself disappear. The wind suddenly howls outside and it shakes Wille out of his staring competition with himself.

“I’ll put your bag in the bedroom. You want something to eat? Drink?” he says after clearing his throat. Simon nods slowly, but he doesn’t speak so Wille isn’t sure if he’s agreeing to the bag in the bedroom or the food and drink.

A tear rolls down Simon’s cheek and Wille decides both the bag and the food can wait. He drops Simon’s bag and walks over to the couch with fast steps before he sits down. For a second they just sit there, Simon still hugging himself and Wille not completely sure how to proceed. He doesn’t want to intrude Simon’s space, but he also doesn’t want him to feel alone.

“You want a hug?” he tries with a small smile. Simon takes a deep breath and nods at the the same time. So Wille opens his arms and Simon melts into him. “You want to talk about it?” Wille whispers into Simon’s curls. Those beautiful, shiny curls that always makes Simon look like an angel.

For a few minutes it’s just quiet. Wille holds Simon in his arms, and if he could, he would never let go. He needs to get over himself, this is just his best friend needing comfort. They’ve done sleepovers and hugs and quiet, sleepy, movienights on the couch with their arms and legs tangled together so many times, Wille has lost count. And if he’s being honest with himself, he wished it meant as much to Simon as it did to him every time, even though deep down he knew it didn’t.

But he was also just happy to have his best friend close. He knew he could talk to Simon about anything. Simon knew 95% of the details about Wille’s life. Except that Wille was soul-crushing, heart-wrenching, impossible to breathe sometimes, in love with him.

Wille has to admit, he was terrified. What if Simon found out, and he would lose him forever? Wille couldn’t risk that, right?

But now, his brain decides to shut that stupid thought out. Because right now, Simon needs him. And Wille is determined to be the best friend he knows Simon would be if the roles were reversed.

Suddenly Simon sits back and dries his eyes again. They are red and puffy, and a few of his curls has found their way down to them. Wille fights the urge to brush them away. “I’m so stupid, Wille,” Simon sighs and leans his head back on the couch. His breathing comes out a little shaky and he just stares up to the ceiling.

Wille reaches out and grabs Simon’s hand. “You’re not stu…” he starts, but he never gets to finish.

“Yes, Wille. I am,” Simon says a little louder and with a determination in his voice, which makes Wille shut up. Simon sits back up so fast it nearly makes Wille feel dizzy. “You tried to warn me, didn’t you? That I didn’t really know Marcus. Well, looks like I didn’t.”

A fire builds in Wille’s chest, making it almost impossible to keep his face neutral. He clenches his free hand into a fist, digging the nails into his palms channeling his anger into it. He knew that son of bitch would hurt his friend, one way or another. Should he have done more to make Simon see Marcus for who he really was? Would Simon even had listened to him? Probably not. So all he can do now, is just let Simon try and wrap himself around the fact that apparently Marcus wasn’t the guy he thought he was after all.  

“Simon, what happened?” Wille dares to ask. He would never tell Simon ‘I told you so’ ever. Simon had to make his own mistakes and learn from them. But it doesn’t mean the words aren't playing on his tongue. He bites them down, puts his arm around Simon’s shoulders and pulls him closer. Simon doesn’t hesitate, he tucks himself closer to Wille’s side and leans his head back.

Simon takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He hesitates for a second before he speaks. “He cheated on me. And it wasn’t the first time,” Simon says eventually, voice a little shaky.

A fire burns inside Wille’s chest. He didn’t think he could hate Marcus more, but apparently he can. The fact that he’d been cheating on Simon more than once makes him feel sick. Simon had put all his trust in Marcus, said he loved him, done everything for the guy. And all he ended up with was heartbreak. If it was one person on this earth that didn’t deserve that, it was Simon.

“I’m so sorry, Simon. That’s terrible! He’s an asshole!” Wille tries his best to keep the venom out of his voice, but he can see it on Simon’s face that he’s failing.

“Just say it already,” Simon says, eyes locked on Wille like he expects a punch in the gut.

Wille shakes his head. He knows what Simon thinks he wants to say. “Say what?” he replies, playing dumb and biting his tongue so hard he’s afraid it’ll bleed.

Simon sighs and stand up. He throws his hands up in the air before he turns back to look at Wille. “I told you so, Wille. I know you want to.” Wille wants to tell him he would never say that, but he never gets the chance before Simon continues. “You asked me if I was sure I could trust him. And I was stupid enough to shut you out instead of taking your advice into consideration. If I’d listened to you, I wouldn’t have come home from work and walked in on him fucking someone on our kitchen counter!”

His eyes are glassy and Wille knows he’s trying to channel his heartbreak into rage instead of grief. He knows that Simon will do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t seem too much affected by all this.

“Simon, listen to me,” Wille says before he takes a deep breath. He reaches out a hand towards Simon who takes it and let Wille pull him back on the couch. “It’s true I never liked the guy, I got a weird vibe from him the first moment I met him. But you trusted him, and I believe your judgment. It’s not your fault he turned out to be the biggest, worst asshole in the world.”

Wille pauses until Simon meets his eyes before he continues. When their eyes meet, Wille swallows hard and for a second his next words are lost in his throat. Simon just looks at him, expectantly, waiting. But Wille is just lost in those brown eyes. It’s like Simon can see into his soul and heal something that wasn’t even broken. Wille is surprised Simon still hasn’t figured out that his best friend is hopelessly and devastatingly in love with him.

He clears his throat and takes a breath. “I don’t know what made Marcus cheat on you, or when it even started. But I’m sure your relationship was equal in the beginning, every day life just happened, and you missed the signs. He’s the bad guy here, Simon, you didn’t do anything wrong. He should’ve just broken it off with you before he started fucking other people.” Saying Marcus’s name makes him nauseous, and he has to fight his urge to gag.

“Do you have ice-cream?” Simon suddenly asks, catching Wille off guard.

“Ehh, sure. I think so,” Wille nearly stammers. Simon smiles and a tiny laugh leaves his chest. Wille is on his feet faster than the lightning, if Simon wants ice-cream, he’ll get ice-cream. “I’ll grab it and if you want to, you can bitch some more about Marcass?”

Simon suddenly laughs out loud, and Wille’s mission for the night is completed. Making Simon laugh is his favorite thing in the world, it’s like winning the lottery every time it happens. That velvet, pure, warm sound fills his chest with more love than he thought it could carry.

When Wille returns to the living room 5 minutes later – juggling ice-cream, bowls, spoons, chocolate sauce and sprinkles in his hands – Simon sits on the floor by the speaker and searches through his phone for the right song. A slow, beautiful melody fills the room, seeps into Wille’s skin like a warm embrace.

“Wow, what song is that?” he has time to ask before he stops dead. The artist starts to sing, and Wille would know that voice anywhere. Simon’s magical voice fills the room, the whole apartment, and Wille almost loses the grip on everything he’s carrying. “That’s… that’s you?” he stammers eventually and for a moment he forgets how to breathe.

Wille knew Simon could sing, had heard it multiple times in high school when Simon sang in the choir. He had the most solos and Wille would sit there, first row, with the biggest smile on his face cheering him on every time.

But this, this seems different. This finds its way straight to his heart, making it beat ten times faster.

Simon turns and smiles shyly at him. “Yeah, I was writing an article on an artist and we got to talking after the interview. I told him I had a song I’d written and he wanted to hear it. So I recorded this to send to him. Marcus didn’t like it, so I haven’t dared to do it yet,” Simon’s voice is quiet, shy, almost like he regrets that Wille heard it.

‘Marcus didn’t like it.’ The sentence is stuck in Wille’s brain like a storm. Marcus hadn’t just disliked the song, he’d shut down Simon’s voice completely. How on earth could Marcus not like this? It’s the most beautiful song Wille has ever heard. Maybe he’s a tiny bit biased, but still, he can sense beauty when it’s literally right in front of his face. Weirdly enough, Marcus didn’t have that ability. If he did, he would never be a dick to the most beautiful human in the universe.

Wille suddenly remembers everything he’s carrying and walks over to the table and places everything down. Simon stops the music and Wille feels empty in an instant. “Don’t turn it off,” Wille says, making Simon look surprised at him. “It’s beautiful, Simon. I want to listen to it.”

The wind howls outside, and the rain has picked up. It’s almost December, but it’s Sweden so snow isn’t exactly a given anyway. But inside the temperature is rising, fast. Because Simon looks at Wille with his big eyes, filled with all kinds of emotions and Wille isn’t exactly sure how to behave.

“Ice-cream?” he decides to say, mostly just to have something to occupy his hands and his brain with. Simon smiles now and puts the song back on, before he walks over to the couch and takes the bowl Wille hands him.

“Thank you for saying you liked the song, it means a lot to me,” Simon says so quiet Wille nearly misses it. A small, tiny smile plays on Simon’s lips and for a moment it’s just like nothing bad just happened a few hours ago.

Wille looks surprised at Simon; he can’t even understand why Simon feels the need to thank him. It makes him really wonder what Marcus and Simon’s relationship was really like. Had Simon been keeping more from him? “You don’t have to thank me, Simon,” Wille says slowly, making sure Simon really hears every word. “It’s a beautiful song, and your voice is angelic. Everyone with ears can hear that.”

The smile on Simon’s face turns a little bigger before he punches Wille lightly on the arm. “Stop it,” he says shyly, before he shifts his attention back to the ice-cream. Wille smiles to himself, it feels good to know he can make Simon smile even when he’s sad.

For the next few moments they eat ice-cream in silence, just Simon’s song playing in the background. Wille has a million questions about Marcus and what Simon ever saw in the guy and their relationship. But he wants to give Simon time. Time to process everything that’s happened the last few hours, so he just eats. Waiting for Simon to take the lead.

Simon opens his mouth and closes it again when his bowl is empty, like he’s searching for the right words. “Why didn’t I see it, Wille?” he asks after a while. His voice is so quiet, Wille barely hears it. It’s filled with sadness and Wille just wish he could wrap Simon in his arms and protect him from all evil in the world.

Instead he puts his bowl down on the table and takes Simon’s hand. Strokes lightly over his knuckles a few times, a reassurance that he’s here, that he’ll listen. It takes Simon a few more minutes but then it’s like he decides to just let it all out. So he tells Wille everything.

That he came home from work early, excited that he had decided to send his song to this artist despite Marcus saying he didn’t like it. He’d walked up the stairs to their apartment with a smile on his face that had disappeared the minute he’d opened the door. The scene happening in front of his eyes is something he wish he could erase from existing. Because seeing a guy leaning against the kitchen counter with his own boyfriend ‘s dick up the guy’s ass, is not something you want to remember.

The guy had fled the scene of the crime in the matter of seconds and Simon had just stood there, staring at how the wheels in Marcus’s brain worked overtime to come up with an excuse. He’d started with some heartless pleas, but Simon had known he was done. He had gone along with a lot over the course of two years ish where he’d dated Marcus. But cheating was not one he would accept.

Simon lets go of Wille’s hand and grabs the nearest pillow, hugs it to his chest like it’s grounding him. “The last thing I asked of him was for him to be completely honest with me and tell me if it was the first time or not,” Simon’s eyes are fixed on something on the wall opposite them, Wille doesn’t dare to speak or even move. Afraid he’ll spook Simon out of his moment of realization. “Marcus just stood there,” Wille’s jaw tightens just by the mention of the name.

“It was like he was debating if it was worth lying to me or not and I could just tell it wasn’t the first time, Wille,” he says. Simon throws the pillow on the floor. and for the first time since he started telling the story, Simon’s voice breaks. Wille grabs him and pulls him in for a hug, holds him close against his chest while his t-shirt slowly gets wet.

“Did he give you an answer? Even if you already knew,” Wille asks, voice muffled into Simon’s curls.

Simon nods against his shoulder. “He did,” Simon’s voice is thick and filled with tears. “He said it had happened before. So I asked how many times?” his voice trails off, like saying the number might make it more real somehow.

“He said he didn’t remember,” Simon says while he leans back. “HE DIDN’T REMEMBER, WILLE! That’s how many times it had happened before,” Simon’s voice is louder now, not filled with sadness anymore. He’s angry. Furious.

Wille opens his mouth to say something, he’s not completely sure what, because the fact that Marcus has cheated on Simon so many times he hadn’t remembered makes him both angry and incredibly sad. He can sense tears starting to burn in his own eyes, but he fights it away. He has to be the strong one here, the rational one. He never gets the chance to even utter a word before Simon continues talking.

“I was with the guy for almost two years. How could I not see it? I’m a fucking idiot. How can I know how to trust anyone else again? Apparently I don’t know how to do that,” Simon’s words hit Wille in the chest. He knows Simon trust him, they’ve been best friends for so long, they know (almost) everything about each other. Simon came to Wille’s house, instead of any of his other friends. But still, he wants nothing more than for Simon to trust him enough to be his boyfriend some day.

“Simon,” Wille starts, but Simon has started pacing the living room, apparently lost in his own head. “SIMON!” he says louder and Simon visibly startles. He turns and looks at Wille and suddenly he crumbles to the floor like the fight has been pulled from his body. Heartbreak is like a rollercoaster – sadness, anger, numbness, all crashing into each other. And now it looks like Simon has gone from anger to devastation within seconds.

Wille hurries off the couch and kneels next to him on the floor. “Simon, you’re not an idiot. He is, okay? And one day you’ll learn to trust someone else again. And in the meantime, you have me. You can always trust me, Simon. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what,” Wille tries for a smile while he speaks, his heart beating so hard in his chest, hoping that he didn’t take it too far.

Simon looks down on the floor, he joins their hands together sending a warm feeling up Wille’s bloodstream. When he looks up, his eyes are glassy again. “I know Wille, and you have no idea how much I appreciate you. You’re my best friend in the world,” Simon’s voice is filled with appreciation, but something in Wille breaks a little anyway. Hearing Simon say ‘best friends’ makes his heart ache for other words to fall out of Simon’s mouth.

“It’s late, you want to go to bed?” Wille asks with uncertainty.

But Simon just nods and starts to get up on his feet. “You go to bed, I’ll just clean up here,” Wille continues and watches as Simon walks slowly over to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He picks up the dishes and the empty ice-cream box and carries everything into the kitchen. He starts to rinse the bowls when something outside the window over the sink, catches his eye. The rain has turned into snow, and a few snow crystals are slowly dancing their way down to the ground.

It's almost December 1^st, just a week away. Soon it’ll be a new year, new beginnings. He knows what to do, and he doesn’t have that much time to do it, but he’ll definitely make it work. For Simon, Wille would do anything.

Chapter Text

Simon

It’s been a week. A week of sleepless nights, exhausting days and burying himself in as much work as humanly possible. Simon has actually been looking forward to December this year. Christmas was one of his favorite holidays, and having a boyfriend during it always made it better.

Now he has to go through December single, trying his best to mend his broken heart. Thinking back now, he can see that maybe he’d seen Marcus through a light that was slowly starting to fade. But even if Marcus hadn’t been the person Simon thought he was, Simon had still really liked the guy. So it hasn’t been his favorite week, and it probably won’t be his favorite month either.

He knew he’d been working maybe a little too much the past week, when his boss stopped by his desk and basically ordered him to go home early and relax today.

Simon isn’t quite sure how to relax if he’s being honest. So now he just lies on his couch and stares up at the ceiling. And when his brain has nothing to occupy itself with, it spins and twists to find out what he’d done wrong to deserve Marcus cheating on him.

Outside his window it’s snowing, which isn’t that normal in Stockholm on December 1st. Usually he would be all over Christmas decorations and Christmas music and movies by now. But he can’t bring himself to do any of it.

His phone vibrates with a text. Simon debates if it’s actually worth sitting up and grabbing it or not. He gives it a few more seconds before his curiosity gets the best of him. He lets out a sigh and sits up to pick up his phone and check the text.

Wille: Hey, how are you today? Still up for take out later?

Wille has basically checked in with him every day. Simon appreciates it, probably more than he’s been able to explain to Wille. But he’s been taking on so much work that he’s barely seen him since the day he broke down on Wille’s front porch. It still feels nice to know that he has someone who cares enough to check in all the time.

Wille is his best friend, and he can’t even imagine his life without Wille in it. Eating take-out with Wille would probably be a good distraction today. So he texts him back with a smile. Wille always was the best to make him smile even when he was sad and lost.

Simon: My boss sent me home early, been just hanging on the couch. Looking forward to take-out later.

He throws his phone on the other side of the couch and lets out a loud sigh. He can’t remember if he’s eaten anything today at all. In fact, he’s barely eaten all week. Maybe it’s time to stop the worst pity party and try to get past this instead?

So he slowly gets off the couch, and drags his feet across the small apartment towards the kitchen. But he never reaches the kitchen before a knock on his door makes him stop and think. It’s in the middle of the day, Wille won’t be here for at least a few hours, and he usually never knocks anyway. Who else would visit him in the middle of the day on a Monday?

He walks over to the door, then hesitates for a second. What if it’s his mom? Or even worse, Sara? He loves both his mom and his sister very much, but he’s definitely not in the mood to discuss his failed relationship with either of them right now.

They know the relationship is over, but he hasn’t told them why or what Marcus had done. His mom adored Marcus. He was good with parents, and Simon’s mom had fallen for his charm the same way Simon had.

This is stupid, standing on the other side of the door, unsure to open it. Whoever it was, he would have to just face it. So he opens it and confusion washes over him. The only thing outside his door is a box and not a person.

Simon looks around the hallway, but there’s not anyone to be seen. Just closed doors. A window at the end of the hall on one side, and the elevator on the other. He looks at the box, furrows his eyebrows. Maybe it’s a bomb or something? Had Marcus turned so desperate?

He has tried to call and text, telling Simon he was sorry, that he’s realized what a dick he’s been. But when Simon never picked up or responded to his texts he’d gotten a rather angry voice message yesterday. Marcus had stated that Simon had been the problem for not being able to give Marcus what he needed. That Simon was the one giving up and he should burn in hell.

If anyone of them would end up in hell, it would probably be Marcus.

No, it’s definitely not a bomb. Marcus might be a douchebag, but he’s not delusional. Could his mom have sent it? No, she would probably have delivered it herself.

Simon picks up the box, carries it inside and puts it on the table. A card is taped on the top, and he opens it to read whatever message is written there.

Simon! Here’s your cure to heartbreak. An advent calendar that gives you something to do every day until Christmas. It’ll keep your mind occupied. Hope you’ll have fun.

He reads the computer typed message twice. It doesn’t say who it’s from. Could it be Sara? No, his sister would probably have handwritten it, or at least added a few smiley faces. And it’s not like Sara to keep secrets from him…but it’s still something she could’ve done, maybe?

No, there’s only one person who would do something like this, right?

Simon smiles to himself and warmth spreads in his chest. Wille has always been there for him, no matter what. In the middle of the night and he’d had a fight with Marcus, Wille opened his door from him and let him sleep until he was stupid enough to go back. On a weekend trip and Marcus had suddenly gotten jealous at the bartender because he was convinced Simon went along with his flirting. Marcus had locked the door to their hotel room and Wille had driven the two hours from Stockholm to pick him up.

Wille is always there. The chocolate calendar Simon got every December has almost become a symbol of their friendship. The first one he got five years ago had meant so much to him; he needed to keep the box to remind himself that he was lucky enough to have a friend like Wille. His other friends were always present when he needed them, but Wille was present when he didn’t even know he needed it. But if it was Wille, wouldn’t he have made it more personal? Unless he wanted to hide it…

What if Marcus WAS playing with him? God, if it was Marcus he should throw the whole thing out the window.

Simon puts the card on the table and opens the box instead of dwelling more on who it might be from. He’s at least going to look at what it is. Inside is another box, beautifully decorated with snowflakes, Santa hats, Christmas trees, and other Christmas symbols and with 24 small doors to open. Simon strokes the box with his fingers.

Marcus had his moments for sure, but this doesn’t feel like him. This feels like someone who really cares about him. Or maybe it would be easier for someone who didn’t know him that well to leave a computer typed note?

For a minute he hesitates, should he wait and open it with Wille, just in case. But he’s curious to what’s inside. So he searches the box for door number one and opens it slowly. Inside is a small red note, folded neatly together. Simon takes it and opens it with shaky fingers. He hasn’t even realized that his hands had started to shake. His heart beats a little faster with every piece that gets unfolded.

You always loved Christmas, it’s time you make your home look like it. Decorate! You know you’ll feel more joyful after!

So this is what it’s going to be like. A task for every day? Simon wonders if it’ll just be tasks like this or other activities as well. One thing he’s absolutely sure of is that he’s not going to go through this calendar alone. He’ll bring Wille with him, they’ll do it together. It will be nice to have something to occupy himself with, and there’s no one else he would rather spend every day of December with, than his best friend.

It would be nice to put up some decorations. He remembers how his house looked like when he was a kid. His mom would bring down all the boxes from the attic, and they would all pick out their own decorations to put up. The ones you got were your responsibility and none of the others could tell you where to put it. The next year they switched decorations. The house never looked the same each year. It was one of the favorite things about Christmas, they were all together.

His dad was never the best; he drank too much alcohol and would pass out on the couch. So this was a thing Linda, Sara and he would do. His dad would rarely participate. Thinking back, Simon actually liked the times where his dad wasn’t a part of it best. He loved his dad, because he was his dad. But he always felt like he had to walk a little bit on eggshells around him. He wasn’t violent or angry, but it was something about his aura that made you act a little careful.

When he moved into the dorm with Wille at college, Simon had dragged him with him and they’d done the same tradition. They bought some decorations and every year they switched it and decorated their room. When they both moved into different places after college they continued the tradition. First they decorated Wille’s house and then Simon’s apartment.

Last year, when he still was with Marcus, Simon had tried to bring him along. Said it meant a lot to him. But Marcus didn’t care that much about Christmas, so he hadn’t bothered. Maybe that should’ve been a red flag right there. If he only had seen it as what it was back then, maybe he wouldn’t had to go through this now.

A loud growl from his stomach tells him that he still hasn’t eaten today. So he places the calendar neatly on the table next to his guitar. It’s the perfect spot. Both his favorite things at the same place.

For the next two hours Simon eats his food, stares at the ceiling, tries to play a little on his guitar before he turns back to stare at the ceiling. He dodges a call from Sara, he’s been doing that for days so he should probably pick up soon or she would be on his door. He’s just not ready for her perfectly smart words. Or to tell her what Marcus had done.

And then his mind is back to spinning and he suddenly sits up. He feels nauseous. He had probably slept with Marcus more than once after he’d slept with whoever else, hadn’t he? How could he be so stupid? Thinking back it’s like he almost can remember the moment when it first happened. The first time Marcus had cheated on him.

He’s not sure of course, never would be because he plan on never speaking to Marcus ever again. But he still feels foolish for not seeing it. It must’ve been almost six months ago. Marcus was never clingy; he’d made Simon feel like he was too needy, too clingy more than once. So when Marcus suddenly had come home acted exactly the way he’d told Simon he didn’t like, it’d felt weird. But Simon had just gone along with it, liking the attention.

A few more tears roll down his cheeks. Oh my God, he feels pathetic. Is this how his December would be like? He takes a few deep, unsteady breaths. Marcus had taken a small part of his Christmas spirit last year; he hadn’t done all the things he loved to do. It had really felt like a part him was missing. But then there had been one happy moment that Marcus had joined in on and Simon had just forgotten about everything else. What had he been thinking?

He really hopes the advent calendar IS the answer to his heartbreak! A magical cure that will carry him through this month, mend his heart and bring his Christmas spirit back.

Simon looks at his watch and realizes Wille will probably be here any minute, so he decides to get off the couch and find the boxes with his decorations before he gets here.

By the time Wille walks through the door, four boxes with decorations are scattered around Simon’s small living room, and Simon actually feels a tiny bit better just by looking at them.

«Hey! Wow, ready to decorate?» Wille asks cheerfully, when he walks through the door, balancing two take-out boxes in one hand and Simon’s yearly chocolate calendar in the other. Simon jumps up from the floor to meet him and grabs the calendar out of his hand. «Ohh, so that’s why you wanted me to come over, huh?» Wille tries for a pout, but his lips turn into a smile within seconds.

Simon scans the calendar for #1, opens it and pops the chocolate into his mouth. «Of course, it’s the highlight of this month. You know how much I love chocolate,» he says with a smirk. Wille shakes his head before he takes of his shoes and jacket, still balancing the take-out boxes in his hands.

«Would be nice to get some help with these too, you know,» he says mockingly, before Simon rolls his eyes at him, and takes the boxes from him as well.

The smell of Thai food fills the small apartment, and Simon’s mouth waters. Eating one small meal the whole day was clearly not enough. «I’m starving, let’s eat,» he says and puts the boxes on the table before he rushes into the kitchen for two forks, glasses and a bottle of Coke.

«Busy day?» Simon asks when he returns to the living room, finding Wille on the couch with his head leaning back and his eyes closed.

Wille sits up slowly and looks at him with a sleepy smile. «Yeah, we have this new client, and it’s just been a lot. It’s always something extra right before Christmas. But I don’t want to talk about work. I’m hungry,» he says while he opens the food containers and takes the fork from Simon.

They eat in silence for a few minutes before Wille nods against the calendar on the table. «You already started? Haven’t seen that before?» He takes a big bite of food in his mouth and looks at Simon expectantly. His eyes sparkle a little but his face is completely neutral.

«Like you don’t know?» Simon tries, it’s worth a shot.

Wille just stares at him for a second. His face shows absolutely nothing, but his shoulders rise slightly towards his ears and he looks a little tense. «How should I know?» He asks seriously.

«You’re the only one who would do something like this, Wille» Simon says with an unsure smile. He really does appreciate the gift, and a part of him might also wish it’s Wille.

Wille hesitates for a second. «It’s not from me,» he blurts out, a little too quickly. Before he looks over at the calendar again looking overly curious.

«Well, maybe I have a secret admirer then?» Simon says lightly. It makes Wille turn his head quickly and meet his eyes. For second something flickers in Wille’s eyes that Simon can’t read. Was it jealousy? Or does he know something Simon doesn’t? Is he hiding something? It’s gone just as quick, and Simon wonders if he’d imagined it or not.

He decides to let it go – at least for now – and tell Wille about the calendar instead. «It doesn’t matter actually. The important thing is that I love it,» he starts. He feels like he has to put it out there, that he really loves it. Wille deserves to know that if it is from him. «I think it will be a task or and activity every day, until Christmas Eve. I think it’ll be fun.»

Wille smiles now, and he looks more relaxed all of a sudden. «That sounds awesome. It’ll keep your mind from spiraling,» he says, and puts the food container on the table. Both of them empty now.

«Hey, I’m not spiraling,» Simon whines, his voice defensive. But he knows he can’t fool Wille, so he’s not sure why he’s even trying.

«Hah, yeah right. I know you, Simon,» Wille says with a laugh before he grabs the empty boxes and walks into the kitchen with then. Simon can hear him shift around in there, throwing the boxes in the trash and washing the forks. Everything has to be done right away, Wille just can’t let things wait.

Simon smiles to himself. «Whatever!» he yells, it earns him another «hah» from his friend. «Well, you’re the lucky one though,» he starts when Wille emerges from the kitchen with a questionable look on his face. «You’ll get to do it with me.»

«I get to do what with you?» Wille asks as he walks over to inspect the calendar more closely. Simon watches him for a second, how his long fingers glide over the box and when they stop at a sticker of a candy cane he smiles. Wille loves candy canes, Simon is well aware of that. They always get candy canes on the 23rd of December, and they cozy up with movies and Christmas cookies. Another tradition they’ve kept over the years.

«The tasks, you dummy» Simon says with a smile. «I’m not doing it alone. You’re doing it with me, all of it. You’re my best friend, Wille. I wouldn’t want to do it without you. So get ready, today’s task is decorations.»

Wille turns and looks at him, his eyes are back to sparkling and the small smile from before has turned into a huge grin. «You sure?» he asks, but even he can’t hide the smile in his voice.

«Of course,» Simon replies with a roll of his eyes, to him it’s the only logical option. «So get your ass over here and start choosing your decorations.»

Simon starts to open the boxes, but he doesn’t get to open more than one before he stops and stares into it. The snow globe with the picture of Marcus and him – smiling at each other – lies there and stares back at him like a distant memory. He remembers when they had decided to make it at a Christmas market in Germany that Marcus had taken him to last year. It’s one of the really happy memories, and it makes his chest hurt even harder.

Tears well up again but he tries his best to blink them away. Marcus doesn’t deserve his tears. But his eyes betray him, and a few spills over anyway. He wipes them away quickly, angrily.

«Are you okay?» Wille’s voice shakes him out of his trip down memory lane. Simon hasn’t even realized Wille has moved over to him. But of course he has, because sometimes it’s like Wille knows what’s up before Simon realizes it himself.

He wipes away a few more tears and takes a shaky breath. «Yeah, there are not just bad memories with Marcus, I guess. I thought him cheating would make me see every memory as something toxic. But it doesn’t,» he can feel his voice shaking. Wille places a hand on his back; a grounding action that makes Simon’s breathing calm down a little.

«Hey,» Wille starts, his voice quiet and tender. He doesn’t speak again until Simon looks at him. «It’s okay to miss the happy moments. It’s okay to miss the person you thought you had and probably had too, before he cheated the first time.» Wille smiles, but it never reaches his eyes. At least he’s trying. And of course he’s saying all the right things, Wille always does.

Simon picks up the snow globe and shakes it. Fake snowflakes float around in front of the picture. «I don’t know if I can throw it away,» he nearly whispers. The angry part of him wants to just drive over to Marcus’s house and throw the snow globe at his smug face. The hurt and sad part of him wants to just get rid of it, throw it away so he never has to see it again. And the part of him that still misses the Marcus who actually liked him, wants to be able to put it somewhere and for the picture to come to life.

The noise from another box being opened shakes him out if his trance again. He looks over at Wille who’s started to unbox all the decorations. He looks restrained, almost a little pained, but also like he’s trying to hide it. When he realizes Simon looks at him he struggles for a millisecond to put his neutral face back on. It’s just a glimpse, but enough for Simon to see it. «Simon, you don’t have to. There’s no rules here,» Wille says, before Simon has time to ask if everything is okay. Wille stops unboxing with a Santa figure in one hand and an angel in the other. He points the Santa figure towards Simon with a small smile. «But I’m going to pick all the good decorations if you don’t speed up.»

Simon tries for a small smile. «I’m sorry. If it’s too fast, we’ll slow down,» Wille adds quickly and his face turns all serious, like he’s afraid he’s done or said something wrong.

«No, it’s fine. I want to do this,» Simon says, and this time the smile on his face is genuine. He takes one last look at the snow globe before he decides to just put it back in the box for now.

For the next hour they pick their decorations and start to decorate Simon’s apartment. It doesn’t take that much time, his apartment isn’t exactly big. But Simon catches himself laughing and having a good time. By the time they’re done, his apartment looks like all Santa’s elves had been there and thrown their Christmas sprinkles around.

They put the almost empty boxes away, and sit down on Simon’s couch – admire their work for the evening. «Thank you for doing this with me, Wille. I’m not sure if I could do all this alone,» Simon says, and it’s the truth. If it wasn’t for Wille he would be lying on his couch and drowning in his own heartbreak.

Wille smiles at him and lightly touches his knee. «You don’t have to thank me, Simon. I want to be here for you,» he says, his voice warm and comforting. He looks at his watch and sighs. «But it’s late, and I have an 08.30 meeting in the morning. I should go.»

Suddenly Simon feels very alone. Wille sits right there, gathering up his things, but still he feels alone. «Can you stay?» he asks. He can hear the small desperation in his own voice, but he can’t help it. Feeling alone only makes everything worse. He’s been sleeping alone all week, or at least he’s been lying in bed all week. Mind spinning and thoughts scattered around everywhere. He could really use some real sleep tonight.

«I need my suit for the meeting tomorrow,» Wille says, which as far as Simon knows is not a no. But he doesn’t want Wille to feel obligated to stay either.

«Don’t worry about it,» he decides to say quickly, and gets up from the couch. He’s not quite sure why or what to do, so he walks towards the kitchen. A little snack before bed sounds like an okay excuse to get up from the couch for.

Wille suddenly stands in the doorway, just looking at him, when Simon turns around again. Their eyes meet for a second, and Wille looks away quickly and clears his throat. «It’s fine, Simon. Of course I can stay. But I have to leave early to change before I have to be at the office.» The knot in Simon’s chest loosens in an instant and he can feel his whole body relax.

«Thank you, I don’t want to feel alone right now,» he says and smiles. Wille opens his arms, and Simon walks over and melts into Wille. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable, safe.

He would sleep tonight. He has to, he’s afraid his thoughts will eat him alive if he doesn’t. But knowing his best friend is right there, just like so many times before, is exactly what he needs. He closes his eyes, feeling sleep wash over him. Of course he wanted the calendar to be from Wille. But if it wasn’t, maybe there actually was someone out there who wanted him to smile again.

Simon falls asleep easier than he has for a week, listening to Wille’s breathing, thinking that maybe Christmas can save him after all.

Chapter Text

Wille

“Did he like it?” Felice practically squeals through the phone when he picks up. He rolls his eyes to the emptiness of his office, smiles to himself at his friend’s enthusiasm.

Felice had helped him get Simon’s calendar ready. Wille might be a little creative, but to come up with 24 different activities for Simon to be ready in a week, had been a little too much to ask of his imagination. So Felice had stepped up to help him figure out what was going on around Stockholm that could be interesting.

“I don’t even get a ‘hello’, huh?” Wille teases back. Felice was his second-best friend. They’ve known each other since kindergarten, and she was also the only other person who knew about Wille’s secret crush. He’s not even sure if he can call it a crush anymore. It may have started out like that, but he’s afraid it’s grown deeper than that over the last couple of years.

He can almost hear Felice roll her eyes through the phone, and he lets out a snort-laugh at her impatience. “Come on, Wille. You know I’ve been waiting for you to call since yesterday. And you never called, so I had to take matters into my own hands,” she whines, and it makes Wille laugh even harder.

“Fine, I’ll let you out of your misery,” he laughs, picturing Felice sitting on the edge of her chair, bouncing her leg in anticipation. Because that’s just who she is, always so good at making others feel seen. “He loved it.”

Another squeal comes from the other end of the phone. “I knew it.” Wille can hear her clap her hands. “Did he say he was sure it was from you?”

Wille had been preparing for Simon to believe the calendar was from him. But he hopes he’d been able to place enough hesitation in Simon’s mind that he wasn’t completely sure who had done this for him. Wille would tell him eventually. But for now it would be nice for Simon to use his brain to wonder about this, instead of beating himself up about what he could’ve done different with Marcus. Which was nothing, if Wille had a say in it. Marcus was a piece of shit, and Simon deserved better.

“He did ask, yes. I hope I was vague enough for him to not be sure,” Wille says, as an email pops up on his computer. He opens it and scans through it quickly, before he tells Felice that he has to get back to work.

“I have to leave too. I have a meeting with a new TV producer about my food blog,” Felice’s voice is distant, meaning she probably has him on speaker while she runs around her apartment. Suddenly her voice is higher again, “but I expect an update every night. I came up with half of it.”

Wille chuckles and shakes his head. “Sure, I’ll let you know. Bye,” he hangs up the phone and gets back to his email. It’s propped with information about his meeting tomorrow so he has to really concentrate on the content. But his mind is somewhere else.

He knows what today’s activity in the calendar is, and now it’s 10.00 and Simon still hasn’t texted or called. Fair enough, it’s Simon’s calendar and it’s his activity, but he had said that he wanted to do all of it with Wille. So it would make sense that they would have to talk.

At lunch Wille still hasn’t heard anything, and if he’s being honest he hasn’t been able to do much work. Which he has to, he needs to be prepared for tomorrow’s meeting. He really wants to get this new client to sign the contract. So he decides to text Simon instead of waiting any longer. If Simon had decided to do it alone or with someone else, that would be okay, but he needed to know.

Wille: Hey! Are you at work today? What was today’s task?

There’s a knock on his office door, and Henry walks through it with a pile of papers in his hands. “Coming to lunch?” he asks with a smile. Wille had been working with Henry since they both started at the company after college. It was nice to have someone his own age to have lunch with. Most of the other people were a lot older than them.

“Yeah,” Wille replies, before he logs off his computer. “Are we working through lunch?” he complains, nodding towards the papers in Henry’s hands.

“I have to, if we’re going to nail this meeting tomorrow,” Henry sighs. Wille follows him to the cafeteria, and they find a table in the corner where it’s quiet. Working through lunch is never his favorite, but if this client signs, it would earn both of them a bonus. And that would definitely be worth it.

Henry lets out a loud sigh, and throws his pen on the table. “Okay. What are you writing down? You’ve been doodling around on that page for a long time, and I have barely written a word,” he nearly whines. Wille looks up confused. He’s used the time since they sat down with their food and scattered the papers around the table to wonder what Simon was up to. His eyes fall to the paper in front of him and it hits him what Henry’s talking about. Simon’s name is written all over it. Wille covers it quickly, he’s never been more thankful that he has a binder right in front of him so Henry hasn’t seen it.

“Ohh, ehh… it’s nothing. Just scribbles while I was reading,” he stammers. “It helps me concentrate if my hands are busy.” It’s a terrible excuse, but it looks like Henry is too frustrated with the actual work to care about tearing into it.

They use the rest of the lunch break to talk through what they already know and what they need to work on more. Wille is happy he has a few more hours left of his workday to make sure everything is ready.

On his way back to his office his phone vibrates, and he rips it out of his pocket so fast he nearly drops it.

Simon: Sorry, I was going to text you earlier, been crazy here. What are we making? [Attached: pic]

Wille clicks on the picture and smiles when he reads today’s note from the calendar. Make something fancy from scratch for dinner tonight. Something you haven’t made before. Neither of them were exactly master chefs, so this would either be fun or a complete disaster.

Wille: We? It says you, you know?

Simon’s response comes almost immediately.

Simon: Hah! It’s always we, you know that. I’ll figure something out. See you at 18.00?

We! God, Wille wishes Simon meant ‘we’ in so many more ways than he did. His heart sinks for a second, and he has to stop and take a deep breath. In for four – hold for four – out for four. This is starting to get ridiculous. Wille shakes his head and replies with ‘can’t wait, see you at 18.00’, before he sits down at his computer.

He has to get more work done, so he pushes Simon out of his mind for the next hours. It’s the only way he’ll get anything done at this point.

Five hours later he walks out of the elevator at Simon’s floor and almost bounces over to Simon’s apartment. He doesn’t knock, just walks straight in. It’s what they do. Simon has a key to Wille’s house, and Wille has a key to Simon’s apartment. It’s always been that way ever since they finished college.

“Hey,” Simon calls from inside the apartment. Wille takes of his shoes and jacket before he walks in. Simon sits on the couch with his computer, typing so fast it looks like he’s just tapping the keyboard for no reason. He looks up when Wille walks in and greets him with a smile that sends warmth through Wille’s chest.

Wille smiles, and nods to the computer. “Still working? Or do you just like the clicking sound?” he jokes. Simon sends him a deadpanned look before he throws a pillow Wille’s way. Wille dodges it and laughs, making his way to the kitchen.

“So what are we making then?” Wille asks when Simon comes into the kitchen after him. He still looks a little tired with the way his eyes don’t shine like they usually do. His curls are messy, like he hasn’t really styled them in a while. Wille fights the urge to ask if he’s okay for the millionth time.

Simon opens the fridge and starts to take out meat and vegetables. “So, I really wanted to make Hallacas. It’s this very popular Venezuelan Christmas dish that my mom always makes. But it takes like four hours to make, so it would take too much time.”

Wille loves listening to Simon talk about Venezuela. He always gets this dreamy look on his face. Linda had left Venezuela with Simon and Sara and moved to Sweden with their dad when they were very young. But Wille knows they have tried to visit as much as they can. One day he hopes he can travel there together with Simon, having Simon show him all his favorite places.

“But I still wanted to make something that was both Venezuelan and ‘Christmasy’, and didn’t take too much time,” Simon’s voice brings Wille back from his mental trip to Venezuela. He looks over the counter where Simon has put out all the ingredients. The counter is filled with a lot of different vegetables, macaroni, chicken, ham, salami and cheese, and it doesn’t give Wille any clue at what he’s eating for dinner tonight. “It’s not exactly a Christmas dish, but I’ve eaten it a few times during Christmas when we’ve been in Venezuela.”

Wille looks from the counter to Simon and back again a few times. “This doesn’t give me anything, Simon. I have no idea what we’re making here,” he says with a raised eyebrow.

Simon laughs, and Wille makes sure to record the sound in his ears and place it in the “Simon drawer” in his brain together with all the other laughs he’s recorded. “It’s Macarronada,” he says with a smile. “It’s a macaroni casserole, kind of. Almost like lasagna.”

“Sounds amazing,” Wille states, before he finds an apron and ties it around his waist. “Tell me what to do.”

Simon finds his phone and search through it for the recipe. His eyes flicker over his phone and Wille catches himself staring. He’s tried, he really has. All the time Simon was with Marcus, Wille had buried all his feelings as best as he could. At least when he was around people. What he did when he was home alone in his own house is a different story.

But around Marcus and Simon, he’s pretty sure he’d succeeded. Marcus hadn’t exactly been happy with how close Wille and Simon were. He’d complained about it more than once, and he hadn’t bothered to try and mask it either. It hadn’t mattered if it was just Simon around or if Wille was there too. Marcus still uttered his opinion on how it looked like Simon dated Wille instead of him.

At the time, Wille had hated Marcus for it. How he could not see how lucky he was to be the one to actually date Simon. How he should enjoy it, live it, instead of spending so much time moping about the friendship Wille and Simon shared.

Now, he still hates Marcus for the exact same reasons. But he hates him even more for how on earth Marcus could be so stupid to cheat on Simon. How he couldn’t see that what he had was the best thing in the world, and what Wille had wanted for years.

“Wille!” Simon’s voice makes him startle. He blinks a few times. Simon has put his phone down and is holding out an onion for him to take. “Do I have something on my face? What’s going on?”

Wille takes the onion, and turns around quickly to grab a knife and a cutting board. The sharp smell of onion fills the small kitchen, and his eyes slightly burn when he cuts through it. He can feel his cheeks go warm, and the blush creep up his neck. How long had Simon tried to talk to him while he was just staring at him?

“It’s nothing, I just got distracted, I… ehh, I have this important meeting tomorrow,” he stammers. Simon can probably read right through his lie if he wants too. But it’s the best one he can form in his head at this second.

“You can go work, if you need to,” Simon says, Wille can hear the flicker of hurt in his voice and it makes him hate himself for using work as an excuse. Even though he should think about work, there’s no way he’s able to do that when he can look at Simon just do something so mundane as read on his phone. And there’s nothing he wants more than to spend every minute of every day with Simon.

He turns to Simon, who has started to mince the garlic. His face is blank, but his posture has crumbled slightly. Wille never wants to be the one to dismiss Simon, that was all Marcus. “Simon, absolutely not. There’s nowhere else I rather be. I’m sorry,” he states, hoping that Simon can hear the sincerity in his voice this time.

A smile tucks at Simon’s lips and Wille lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. The last thing he wants is to make Simon feel bad for wanting them to do this together. “Okay,” Simon says almost shyly, still with that small smile on his lips. “You can do the scallions next then.”

Wille finishes cutting the onions with tears in his eyes, before he reaches for the scallions. “God, I hate onions,” he mumbles under his breath.

He can feel Simon’s eyes on him before he speaks. “Wow, here I’m trying to show you some nice food from my home country, and you’re gonna cry about it?” Simon says, pretending to be offended. But when Wille looks at him with a dead-panned gaze, Simon bursts out laughing.

“Fuck you,” Wille mumbles, but it’s loud enough for Simon to hear, making him only laugh harder. He raises his arms in defense before he goes on to heat some oil in the pan to cook the vegetables.

For the next hour they cook and switch between comfortable silence and Simon telling Wille what to do. Chopping carrots into small pieces, shredding chicken, slicing ham and salami. The kitchen is filled with happiness and suddenly Wille feels something cold and wet down the back of his shirt.

He turns around with shock on his face to catch Simon run out the door and into the living room. Without even thinking Wille chases after him. He catches him and lifts him up, finds that spot on Simon’s waist where he knows he’s ticklish. Simon’s giggles fill the whole apartment, together with his pleading to make Wille stop. When he puts him back down their eyes lock for a second longer than usual. Wille’s heart beats ten times faster and his breathing gets a little uneven.

Then the alarm on Simon’s phone goes off, and Simon breaks the gaze, a light blush has crept up on his cheeks. It’s so light you can barely see it, but Wille can see it, he can always see it. The moment (if you can call it a moment) is over. But to Wille it felt like something else, something more somehow. He shoves it down for now, he’ll probably address it again later, alone, in his bed.

Simon takes the casserole out of the oven. The apartment smells like tomatoes, garlic and meat. The steam rises from the melted cheese, and Wille’s mouth waters. He’s actually pretty proud of both of them for making this. “It needs to rest for a few minutes, I’ll set the table,” Simon says lightly.

A few minutes later they both sit at the table, the macarronada in the middle of it. Wille takes a bite and the delicious pasta makes his eyes go wide. “Wow, Simon. This is amazing,” he says before he shoves another bite into his mouth.

“You doubted if we could do it, didn’t you?” Simon teases. Wille looks at him and is met with Simon’s playful eyes. A smirk playing on his lips, like he’s trying to hold in a chuckle. It’s nice to see Simon like this, like he’s almost back to his old self. Wille knows he’s not, but the break from feeling his heartbreak shows on Simon’s face. And if Wille’s chest fills with a small dose of pride because of his advent calendar idea, no one needs to know.

“Well, we’re not exactly top chefs, are we?” Wille throws back at him, and it makes the laugh burst out of Simon. Wille grins so much his jaw is starting to hurt.

They eat in silence for a while. Wille glances over at Simon when he’s almost convinced the other isn’t going to catch it. His face has turned from the playful, amused feature it had before to more serious. He looks like he’s lost in thoughts. It’s not unusual, at least not when he’s sad, Wille knows that much.

“Are you okay?” he dares to ask. He knows he’s asking it all the time, Simon is probably tired of hearing people asking him that. But Wille hates to see Simon like this, so what else can he do?

Simon looks up and meets him with a pair of sadden eyes. He clears his throat, opens and closes his mouth a few times, like he debates if should say something or not. “I’m sorry,” he starts, and Wille reaches out his hand to put on top of Simon’s. A move he hopes the other understands as there’s no need to be sorry. Simon takes a breath, before he apparently decides to tell Wille what’s on his mind. “My mom made this once and brought it over to Marcus and me. It wasn’t Christmas or anything, just a normal weekday. I was so happy, it’s one of my favorites and I was excited to share something of Venezuela with Marcus, you know.”

Wille’s stomach drops, he can feel some shitty thing Marcus probably did coming to light. He’s well aware that Simon hasn’t shared every bad thing Marcus did or said. And it’s all Wille’s fault. In the beginning, Simon told him everything. But at times Wille couldn’t control his own jealousy, or the fact that he hated that Marcus treated Simon like nothing. So he might’ve thrown some comments back at Simon, which he always regretted afterwards, and apologized for. But it had ended with Simon not telling him everything about his relationship anymore.

He’s determined not to do that again. So he squeezes Simon’s hand instead, a silent sign that he’s listening. “We’d sat down at the table and I started telling Marcus about how we always ate this for Christmas back home. I wanted him to understand that part of me as well. But he didn’t exactly care, he just told me that he wanted to eat in silence. After, he said he didn’t even like it that much,” Simon’s voice is quiet, almost embarrassed. Words he wants to throw at Marcus boil inside Wille, but he swallows them down.

“It’s fine, not everyone likes every food. It was more that he didn’t care about where I was from, you know? It made me feel small and embarrassed,” a sad smile tucks on Simon’s lips and he looks down at his almost empty plate.

“Hey,” Wille murmurs, tugging slightly on Simon’s hand so he looks up and meets his eyes. “Marcus is an idiot for not wanting to know about you. I loved it, and if you want to tell me the story, I would love to hear it.”

Simon’s face lights up with a more genuine smile. “Thank you Wille. I think I’m beginning to see that Marcus never actually listened. He might’ve heard it when I spoke, but he never listened. I’m glad you’re my best friend,” Simon says as he gets up and starts grabbing the dishes. “I love you,” he adds before he carries everything out to the kitchen.

It’s not the first time Simon has said he loved him. The problem is, when Wille says the words back it means so much more. And his chest hurts, knowing that Simon’s words mean something completely different. He’s not sure how much more he can go on pretending that he only sees Simon as his best friend. He knows Simon needs more time to really get over Marcus, and Wille will absolutely give him that. But it doesn’t look like this feeling is going away any time soon either.

When Simon emerges from the kitchen he looks a little more like himself again. Wille checks his phone and sees a text from Felice. He smiles and shakes his head lightly. “What’s going on?” Simon asks, and he can feel him leaning over his shoulder to look at what Wille looks at. Wille locks his phone quickly, hoping Simon didn’t see what Felice’s text was about, he’ll answer her later.

“Nothing, just Felice and her usual rant about food and Tv shows,” Wille answers with a wave of his hand. A part of him feels bad that he keeps the secret from Simon, and that Felice knows. They never keep secrets from each other, except the ‘fallen in love’ part. Would Simon feel betrayed because Felice knew and he didn’t? But when he can feel Simon’s breath tingle against his cheek, his mind goes blank for a second and he forgets all about it. Then Simon moves, and Wille wonders if Simon has the slightest idea of what he’s doing to him.

Wille braces himself, and gets up to start gathering up his things. “I have to go. I need to be ready for this meeting tomorrow,” he says and drags a hand through his hair. He’s usually not nervous about these meetings, but this particular one is important. “Are you okay being alone tonight?” he adds. He should sleep at his own place tonight, sleeping at Simon’s has made him late to work on more than one occasion. He can’t afford to be late tomorrow.

“I’m fine,” Simon replies with a smile. It looks genuine, so Wille takes it. “You’ll nail it tomorrow, you always do.”

He wishes Simon’s confidence in him would rub off a little more, because Wille doesn’t feel that confident right now. At least he’ll have Henry there. So if they fail, they fail together.

He walks towards the door to put on his shoes and jacket. “I wish I could believe that too,” he says thoughtfully. He’s not sure if he’s saying it mostly to himself or to Simon. Maybe a little bit of both.

“Hey, it’ll go okay,” Simon encourages and places his hand on Wille’s shoulder. It somehow helps, maybe Simon can transfer some confidence through his touch. “Call me after?”

“I can do that,” Wille opens the door while he speaks and steps out into the long hallway. “Thank you for dinner, it was great. Goodnight, Simon.” Simon waves at him, and Wille walks towards the elevator, hearing Simon closing the door.

He texts Felice back when he gets into the elevator. Telling her the dinner was amazing, that they’d made some Venezuelan dish Wille had forgotten the name of. He knows she’ll probably call again if he doesn’t text her, and he needs to take an hour when he gets home to go over his notes one last time. Tomorrow would go okay, Henry and he would get this client to sign and he would do another advent activity with Simon.

It would be perfect.

Chapter Text

Simon

Simon suddenly awakes. He’s drenched in sweat, his breathing comes quickly and his hands are clenched into fists, holding on to the sheet of his bed like he might fall if he doesn’t. He sits up and looks confused around the dark room before he picks up his phone.

04.25. Great! He hates having nightmares, especially when he’s alone. He almost never falls back asleep again. When he closes his eyes, the dream somehow picks up where it left off. When he slept next to Marcus he just tucked himself a little closer, so he could feel the warmth from the other. Knowing he wasn’t alone helped him fall back to sleep, even if Marcus wasn’t a fan of cuddling.

He drags a hand through his curls, brushing away a few hairs that’s stuck to his forehead. What had he even dreamt about? Usually he remembers it when he has nightmares, but now he can’t remember why it made him wake up. The way one of his hands still hold on to the bed gives him a clue that it might’ve had something to do with falling.

So he has two options, try to get a couple of more hours of sleep. Or get up, put on some warm clothes and go for a small run. Simon hates to run, but it’s a good way to help him sort his thoughts out. With a groan he gets out of bed and peeks through his blinds. Outside a thin layer of white covers the garden around his apartment building, but the roads look clear.

A run it is then. He rummages through his drawers to find every piece of warm clothing that will keep him warm enough so he won’t freeze, and cold enough so he won’t be overly heated. Splashes some water in his face, opens a can of icecoffee and takes a few huge gulps. He’ll need at least three of these to get through the day.

Then he puts on his shoes and make his way outside. When he steps through the door, the cold winter air hits him in the face, but it actually feels nice. A refreshing way to start his day.

An hour and a half later he steps out of the shower, feeling fresh and ready for what this day will bring. He gets dressed and walks over to his calendar, searches for #3 and opens it. A yellow piece of paper awaits him and Simon unfolds it quickly, eager to see what he’s doing today.

You love to sing! Go to the karaoke bar, it’s 80’s party tonight. Sing at least two songs. Have fun!!

Karaoke? Really? Simon closes his eyes and chuckles lightly; of course it had to be karaoke. It’s true that he loves to sing, he really does. He used to love doing karaoke too, had done it a lot during college. His first date with Marcus had also been at a karaoke bar. But Simon has to admit, that he hasn’t the best memory of that first date. Wille had been home, visiting his parents so Simon had brought his friend Ayub with him. He didn’t want to show up alone, and Marcus had never actually said it was a date either, so it felt safe to bring a friend.

The minute he’d walked through the doors of the bar he’d hesitated. Ayub had asked if he wanted to leave, but Marcus had already seen him. His predatory eyes had roamed over Simon from the stage where he was already singing. At the time Simon had just soaked up the attention, because he was convinced he liked the guy. So he’d let Marcus drag him up on stage, singing “Främling” by Carola. But even if he liked the attention, it had felt like Marcus had been possessive.

Simon had left the bar debating if it was worth going to a second date. Which he had concluded it was, because he’d been together with the guy for almost two years. When he thinks back on that first date now, he can see that he was so blind already then. And a part of him wishes he’d decided that Marcus wasn’t worth a second date. But then another part of him reminds him of all the good times they had as well, and his heart aches a little.

Today though, he would break the ‘not going back to a karaoke bar’ strike, with Wille by his side. Maybe he could get Wille to sing a song too. Simon knew Wille didn’t like to sing, but he also knew he could be very persuasive.

Simon goes into the kitchen and downs the rest of his ice-coffee before he makes some breakfast and decides to just get to work, maybe he could leave a little early in the afternoon. So he puts his computer in his backpack, put on his shoes and jacket and head towards the subway.

When he steps into the elevator at his office building the feeling of suddenly falling catches up to him again. Damn those nightmares, why did they have to stick so long after? The elevator dings, and he steps out, happy that he reaches the second floor without problems. When he sits down at his desk he digs his phone out from his pocket to text Wille.

Simon: Good luck today, you’ll nail it! And we’ll celebrate with karaoke later, I guess.

He places his phone next to his computer and opens his email before he starts to write his to-do list for the day. It helps him be productive to be able to cross out the things he’s done that day. Today’s work tasks aren’t that many, he has to do a lot of research on this music piece he’s writing, so mainly that’s what he’s going to do. His phone vibrates with a text almost immediately.

Wille: Thank you, I hope you’re right. Karaoke? Really?

Simon smiles to himself. He can almost picture Wille’s slightly pained facial expression thinking about doing karaoke.

Simon: Not my decision, just following instructions.

Okay, work. He puts the phone in his backpack, hopefully that’ll make him focus better. The office is almost empty, just a couple of other journalists are typing away on their computers. Usually the rest doesn’t come in until 10.00, or they work from home. Simon does too, but he also gets a lot more work done at the office, at his apartment there’s always a distraction.

A few hours later he can feel the lack of sleep catching up to him. He makes his way to the coffee machine, and soon enough the smell of warm coffee fills the space around him.

“Hey, Simon,” a voice behind him calls, and Simon turns around to see Rosh sitting at her desk waving at him. He’s been friends with Rosh and Ayub since elementary school. It was always the three of them; it had helped him through the worst parts of his childhood when his father had been at his worst. Rosh was the one who got him this job, which he was forever grateful for.

Simon walks over to her and greets her with a smile. “Hey, I thought you were covering that store opening today?” he asks and leans on the side of her desk,

“I am,” Rosh sighs. “But I forgot all my notes, had to run here first. Luckily the opening isn’t until 16.00. What are you up to later? Up for a game?” She searches through her papers – which are scattered all over her desk – for her notes while she speaks. Simon isn’t exactly the neatest person on earth either, but even he can’t understand how Rosh can find anything in this chaos.

He just looks at her for a second, and when he doesn’t answer Rosh stops her searching and looks at him. “What?” she asks confused.

“Nothing,” Simon says with a laugh. “I just never understand how you find anything in that chaos.”

Rosh's jaw drops and she looks at him, pretending to be offended. “Rude! This isn’t chaos, it’s organized mess,” she retorts mockingly.

Simon raises his hands in defense, before he walks slowly backwards with his coffee. “Sorry, sorry,” he says with a raised eyebrow. “And I can’t tonight. I’m doing karaoke, apparently. Third activity in the calendar.”

He’d told Rosh and Ayub about the calendar yesterday. Or he’d rather asked them what they knew about it, which apparently was nothing. It could definitely be something they could’ve come up with, but they had also denied it, the same way Wille had.

“Karaoke, huh?” Rosh calls after him when he turns around and start walking over to his desk. He half turns back and shrug his shoulders, making her chuckle.

Simon sits back down at his desk and picks his phone out of his backpack. A missed call from Wille stare back at him, meaning Wille was probably done with his meeting. He picks up his wallet and keycard before he heads out of the office, calling a “going out the get lunch” over his shoulder to Rosh.

“Wille?” she calls after him, making him stop and turn around, seeing her standing by her desk with an innocent look in her eyes and a smirk on her lips. She always teased him about Wille, said they were meant to be. Even used the word soulmates once. Simon usually just rolled his eyes at her, saying she was stupid. Soulmates? No, they were best friend, always best friends.

Today is no different and he sends her an annoying look back, before he flips her off. It makes her laugh out loud and mouths a “sorry” to him. He shakes his head and turns to walk towards the elevator, hoping it won’t fall now either.

He calls Wille back the minute he’s outside, and he picks up almost immediately.

“Hey,” Wille answers cheerfully. Simon feels like he can breathe again, because if Wille sounds like this, the meeting must’ve gone okay.

“Hey, the meeting went well, I assume?” he asks, better to be safe than sorry.

A rustling sound comes from the other end before Wille’s voice comes back. “Sorry. Yes, it went really good. Henry and I presented what we had and the client said he was impressed. He didn’t sign right away, but we got a deal in the end.” Simon can hear Wille’s smile in his voice.

“That’s great, Wille. I’m proud of you,” Simon says, and ducks into the small café next door to his office. The smell of freshly baked pastry hits him right in the face and makes his mouth waters.

It's quiet on the other hand for a moment, like Wille is hesitating before he speaks. “Thank you,” he says eventually. “This deal means so much for the company, but also for me and Henry. We’ve worked towards this for weeks,” Wille’s voice is filled with pride, and it makes Simon’s chest bloom with joy to hear how happy Wille is about his work. They’ve both worked very hard to get to where they are. So it feels good when they succeed.

“I’m happy for you,” Simon says. Then he takes the phone away from his ear and quickly orders a ham and cheese croissant and a café mocha for lunch. “Ready to celebrate then?”

“Hah,” Wille says and Simon can hear a door open and a voice saying something he can’t hear. Wille tells whoever it is that he’ll be right there, before he turns back to the conversation with Simon. “I’m ready to celebrate, and I’m ready to hear you sing.”

The barista gives Simon his food and coffee, and he thanks her before he walks back out into the cold. “WE are singing, do not think I’m doing this alone,” Simon states with determination. He will use every trick he can think off to get Wille to sing one song with him.

“Ha ha. No way am I doing karaoke, Simon. You can sing, I can’t,” Wille says, and Simon has to laugh.

“We’ll see about that. I have to go, but see you at the karaoke bar down the block from my apartment at 19.30?” he says while he steps back into the elevator at his office.

“Yeah, see you. Bye,” Wille hangs up and Simon is already thinking about which songs he’ll sing. The note had said 80’s party, meaning he has to find two 80’s songs to sing. Shouldn’t be that hard, he likes 80’s music.

At 19.15 Simon rushes out of his apartment after dancing around his living room, singing at the top of his lungs for the last hour, almost making him late. The karaoke bar is crowded, which it usually is on Wednesday nights. Simon isn’t sure if he’s happy or scared about that right now.

He scans the crowd for Wille, and spots him by the bar with a beer in his hand and his nose in his phone. Simon navigates his way between the people, excuses himself when he bumps into a few people before he reaches the bar. The place smells like staled beer and leather, mixed up with cigarette smoke. A couple of girls are singing Material Girls by Madonna, but they are giggling more than singing.

Simon walks up behind Wille, trying as best as he can to not let Wille notice him. It’s not easy when the floor is sticky, making his shoes stick to it as he walks. Seeing Wille in between all the bar chaos, still makes him feel calm. Simon leans over his shoulder, making sure not to touch him. “Stop flirting,” he says loud enough for only Wille to hear. Wille startles and turn, almost hitting Simon in the face with his phone. His eyes are huge and Simon can’t help but laugh at Wille’s surprised expression.

“I’m not,” he says quickly, almost too quickly. Like Simon was catching him doing something illegal.

Simon leans over the bar and orders a beer before he turns to Wille with a smile. “Relax, I was just kidding,” he shakes his head lightly when Wille mumbles an apology. “Are you okay?” he adds. There’s something about Wille he hasn’t been able to really place the last week.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Wille shrugs, and Simon decides to let it go for now. He takes the beer from the bartender and takes a sip of the bittersweet liquid. He’s not sure why he feels a little nervous, it’s not the first time he’s sung in front of a crowd. Did it more than once in high school. But still he is, for some reason, making the liquid courage feel extra needed.

He takes another sip and just scans the crowd, hoping he doesn’t see anyone he knows. When he doesn’t he turns to Wille and tells him that he’s going to sign up to sing. They walk over and Simon signs his name together with “I want to break free” by Queen.

“Seriously?” Wille sighs next to him.

“What?” Simon turns to him and asks; like he has no idea he just picked one of Wille’s favorite songs.

Wille shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. His eyes somehow shine, even in the dark bar. “Never mind,” he says with a smile.

Simon swallows a laugh and writes both his and Wille’s name next. “Simon, no. Come on,” Wille tries to plead.

“Wille, please. We can sing I love Rock and Roll? Like old times?” Simon looks up at him, pouting his lips and bashing his eyelashes. Wille stares at him for a second, something flickers over his face, and his cheeks turn pink. Wille leans an inch closer, it’s almost unnoticeable but Simon can feel the shift when they stand so close. Suddenly Wille takes a quick step back before he breaks eye contact and takes a sip of his beer.

“Oh my God, fine. You win,” Wille sighs, and Simon flashes his ‘I knew I would’ smile at him, making Wille roll his eyes.

The DJ comes up on stage and shouts Simon’s name, meaning he’s next. He hands Wille his beer and walks up to take the mic from the DJ. Wille is standing right in front of the stage, just looking at him with a joyful look in his eyes. He mouths “you got this” and Simon can feel his body relax just by Wille being there.

The music starts and the lyrics show up on the screen. He doesn’t really need them; he knows the song by heart. Simon starts to sing and even if he didn’t think about it when he chose the song it feels like a momentum to sing the words.

I want to break free
You’re so self-satisfied
I don’t need you
I want to break free

It’s almost so he wishes Marcus was there to witness this. To hear him, the song can almost represent his past two years, he has to break free from whatever spell Marcus had cast on him. He doesn’t want to need him anymore. Marcus had given him a lot of happy memories, but what have stuck the most are all the memories where he tried to make Simon change who he was.

Simon meets Wille’s eyes, and he almost forgets the lyrics. Wille looks at him with so much good, it swells in his heart. He’s not sure what he’s done to deserve having someone like Wille in his life.

God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby, can’t you see
I’ve got to break free
I’ve got to break free
I want to break free

Simon knows why it’s one of Wille’s favorite songs too. Wille grew up with parents who had basically decided his future for him from the minute he was born. He was going to take over his parent’s law firm, together with his brother. But Wille never wanted to be a lawyer. It was never who he was. So he’d fought his parents for a long time, almost to the extent where they didn’t speak just because he wanted to study business instead of law.

He’d broken free from their hold on him, deciding to be his own person. And Simon had been a proud best friend, standing on the sideline, cheering him on.

When the song ends, the bar erupts into clapping and shouting. Wille’s face has turned into a huge grin as he makes his way up on stage when Simon waves at him.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” He says when he’s close enough for Simon to hear it. Simon smiles, Wille always tells him how amazing he is, how good he is at everything. It really does boost his confidence, but it also makes him blush.

“Thank you. I just realized, while I was singing, that I need to break free of Marcus's hold on me. I need to really move on from him to be able to be happy,” he admits. And saying it out loud makes it suddenly more real. He can feel tears well up in his eyes and he turns away from the crowd for a minute. He didn’t know letting himself really feel that would make him this sad.

Wille puts his hand on his shoulder, grounding him. “I’m sorry that you have to go through this, Simon. If you don’t want to sing another one, we can just go and get something to eat?”

Simon blinks the tears away, he’s not going to cry now, that’ll have to wait until he’s home. He’s going to enjoy this. He’s actually having fun, Marcus isn’t allowed to ruin that.

“No, you don’t get out of this so easily,” he jokes, and shoves his shoulder against Wille’s.

Wille groans, and shakes his head. “It was worth a try,” he says and picks up the other mic from the floor. “Let’s get this over with.”

Simon laughs, and it feels good. Laughing feels like exactly what he needs to really get through this. “I do the verse and you join in on the chorus, like we used too in college,” he says as the music starts and the lyrics light up on the screen in front of them. Wille nods, even though he looks like he’s about to throw up. Simon places his hand in Wille’s and give it a squeeze to reassure him that he got this.

The crowd start to cheer when Simon starts to sing and when the chorus hits, it’s not only Wille who joins in. They can barely hear themselves sing because every other person in the bar also joins in.

I love rock ‘n roll

So, put another dime in the jukebox, baby

I love rock ‘n roll

So come and take your time and dance with me

Simon glances over at Wille. He’s actually smiling now, swinging to the music, his shoulders relaxed again. The first time they sang this song was at the first party they attended first year of college. They were drunk and someone had put up an old karaoke box that only contained 15 songs. It became their song somehow, the one they always sang at karaoke, or at roadtrips or just on a random Monday when they felt like singing. They haven’t sung it in a long time now, but they both remember exactly how they used to do it.

Simon doesn’t think he’ll ever forget that party, how they tumbled down on the nearest couch after the karaoke, leaning on each other, barely able to walk. They were laughing so hard Simon’s stomach hurt from it. Simon had landed with his back against Wille’s chest, when he turned around to look at Wille they were suddenly so close, Simon could feel Wille’s breath on his face. He smelled like beer and tequila, and then it just happened. He can’t remember how or who started it, but he remembers the kiss. How it had tingled on his lips after, how the hair on his arms had raised. How Wille’s mouth fitted perfectly with his.

Then some of their friends had bumped into them, and the moment had been over. They hadn’t talked about it again, even though they kept kissing each other, drunk, at all these parties. Simon wasn’t sure what to feel or think or do about it. So when Wille didn’t say anything, neither did he. It was just drunken fun, nothing more. But he has to admit, he has wondered if things had been different back then, even now, if one of them had dared saying something.

When the song ends now, Wille’s smile almost splits his face in two, and Simon couldn’t be happier for making him do this. He can see the joy radiating from his friend, and that's all that matters.

“Okay, so it wasn’t that bad,” Wille says breathlessly when they sit down at the bar again. He orders them another round of beers, the last ones for the night since they both have work in the morning.

Simon rolls his eyes at him. “See, I told you so, didn’t I?” he says to prove his point from earlier.

The bartender hands them the beers and Wille raises his to a cheer. “Yes, you did. Satisfied?” he asks and Simon hums in return. He is pretty satisfied with himself right now. “To a signed deal and karaoke,” Wille says and they clinck their bottles together and drink.

When Simon walks home that night he feels lighter than he has in 1,5 weeks. His heart isn’t healed, far from it. But it feels like he can see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not just darkness surrounding him anymore, it’s cracks here and there where the light gets in. One day he’ll feel completely like himself again, he can see that now. He just needs a little more time.

Chapter Text

Wille

Wille’s head is still pounding when he walks into the office. He didn’t even have that much to drink last night, two beers, or maybe it was three. But still, he shouldn’t feel hungover, right? Singing karaoke with Simon hadn’t been as bad as he thought it would be. He’d actually had a lot of fun. It had almost felt like old times, when they were singing karaoke in college, drinking too much alcohol and just fell asleep somewhere. It never mattered where it was, what mattered was that he was with his friends, mostly Simon.

“Wille, wait up,” a loud voice breaks through to him and he instinctively rubs his temples. Yeah, he definitely needs coffee and painkillers to get through this day. “Fun night?” Henry shoots at him with a smirk when he catches up to him. Wille looks at him with a sarcastic look and presses the elevator button.

“I seriously had like three beers,” Wille whines as they both step inside the elevator. Henry laughs and it makes Wille’s head pound even harder. “Can you please not be so loud,” he adds while he leans against the elevator wall and closes his eyes for a second.

They ride up in silence, when they reach their floor Henry tells him to just go to his office and he’ll bring him coffee and something for the headache. Wille is forever grateful for his friend’s caretaking right now, so he does as he’s told.

He opens the window in his office and lets the cool, winter air flow into the room. He needs to soak up everything that can make him feel better because he has a meeting with the CEO later, to talk about the new deal they made yesterday. Hopefully he can get enough work done today, so he can go home early tomorrow. He loves going home early on Fridays.

Henry knocks on the door and steps in with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. He places both down on Wille’s desk and hands him a couple of Advil. “Thanks, you’re the best,” Wille says with a sigh before he closes the window again and sits down. He takes the tablets and drinks almost the entire bottle. Give him 30 minutes now, and he’ll be good to go.

“Okay, remember we’re having the meeting with Borris at 11.30,” Henry says on his way out. Wille nods knowingly and squints as the light on his computer screen makes his eyes hurt.

“I’ll let you work. See you in two hours.” Henry closes the door behind him very slowly and Wille chuckles at his overly carefulness.

Right, work. He opens his email first, seems like the best way to start. He scans through it, nothing very important that he has to deal with right now. So he sits back in his chair and closes his eyes for a second, apparently he has to stop drinking on weekdays.

His phone buzzes and he growls when he has to open his eyes again.

Simon: Good morning. Seriously, how much did we drink last night? I feel like shit.

Wille laughs out loud at Simon’s text. It feels good to know he’s not the only one who isn’t feeling good today. He thinks back and wonders if they had more to drink than he can remember. But nothing comes to mind. Maybe the adrenaline from having to sing karaoke mixed together with the alcohol was too much.

Wille: Don’t even get me started. I hope we’re doing something slow today?

He knows what they’re doing, but it’s fun to have Simon tell him anyway. He takes a sip of his coffee and can feel some of his headache starting to fade, making his mind a little less foggy.

Simon: Bring warm clothes [Attached: pic]

Wille opens the picture and see the black note with white writing on it. He’d wanted the notes to have different colors; something to represent that life isn’t black and white. That life can sometimes be blue and you feel sad and lonely, then it’s yellow and it’s like the sun is shining just for you. He reads the note with a smile on his face. Go to the beach, lie on the sand and watch the stars. Just like you used to do in Venezuela with your family.

Simon had told him about how his family always went to the beach during Christmas. In Venezuela Christmas is marked by a strong sense of community, so Simon’s whole family always went to the beach, to pay respect to the family members who were no longer with them. They usually sat on the sand talking, before they left they sent up sky lanterns, watching how they lit up the sky.

It had been a long time since Simon had been back in Venezuela, and Wille knows how much he misses his family and the country. When he planned this specific activity he was crossing his fingers it would be a clear sky, so Simon would actually be able to see the stars. And by the sunshine peeking through his office window, it looks like he was lucky.

Wille: Can’t wait. When? I’ll pick you up

Simon: I’ll try to be home by 16.00, so any time after that?

Wille: Perfect, I’ll be at your place at 17.30, have some work to do so I can hopefully leave early tomorrow.

Simon answers with a thumb up, meaning he’s usually busy too. So Wille puts his phone away, and gets on with work. He has to leave early enough so he can pick up two sky lanterns on the way and get his warmest clothes and some blankets. Going to the beach in Venezuela during Christmas is totally different than going to the beach in Stockholm. And with a clear sky it would be even colder.

By 17.10, Wille is done with most of his work, have bought the sky lanterns and is rushing out the door of his house with a backpack filled with blankets and some more warm clothes. Maybe going to the beach during December isn’t the smartest, but he really wanted Simon to have this moment. He knows how important family is to him, and he hopes doing this can give Simon a tiny feeling of home.

The traffic is luckily not bad, and he pulls up outside Simon’s apartment a little early. He texts him that he’s downstairs waiting, before he just scrolls through Instagram. Suddenly a nauseous feeling forms in his stomach when a picture of Marcus comes up. He’s leaning against a wall, his arm around someone Wille doesn’t know. There are more pictures so Wille swipes, because he’s apparently stupid. When he reaches the fourth and last picture he wishes he hadn’t seen it at all. Marcus is kissing the unknown person and Wille wishes he could just punch him. Posting something like this less than two weeks after he broke up with Simon? What an asshole. Is this the person he cheated on Simon with?

When Simon emerges from the building and walks towards Wille’s car with a smile, he’s pretty sure Simon hasn’t seen these pictures yet. So he locks his phone and puts on a smile too. He’s not going to let Marcus ruin this evening. Simon deserves to have this.

“Hey,” Simon says cheerfully, as he throws his backpack in the back and climbs into the passenger seat.

“Hey! Ready to go to the beach?” Wille asks, as he checks his mirror and starts to drive. Simon hums in return and grabs Wille’s phone. “Where are we going?” Wille continues and looks over at Simon. He’s sitting with Wille’s phone in his hand, just staring at it with a pained look on his face.

Wille is about to ask what’s wrong, when he remembers he only locked his phone without closing the app. Meaning the first thing Simon sees when he unlocks the phone, is a picture of Marcus kissing another guy. Way to go to not ruin the night, you moron.

“Simon, I’m sorry. I…” he starts, placing a hand on Simon’s arm.

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence before Simon starts to speak. “No, it’s fine. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” His jaw is tight and he’s clenching Wille’s phone so hard in his hand his knuckles are white. Simon puts on some music and places Wille’s phone back where it was, before he looks out the window. “We can go to Ekhagen,” Simon turns to say, he’s trying for a smile, but the glow is gone from his face. He turns back to look out the window, and Wille knows him well enough to let him be for the rest of the drive.

The drive goes by in silence. Wille knows it’s not his fault, but it still feels like it. He should’ve closed the stupid app before he locked his phone. He knows Simon always puts on music when he gets into his car. They’ve taken enough drives together by now.

When he parks the car, Simon is still silent. He opens the door and gets out, picks up his backpack and waits for Wille to do the same. The beach is deserted, not a single person to be seen. It’s not surprising, who would go to the beach in December in Sweden anyway?

“Lead the way?” Wille says carefully, but it comes out more like a question. Simon just walks towards the ocean, still not speaking. And Wille can’t take it anymore, he still feels guilty. “I’m sorry, Simon. You shouldn’t have seen that. It just came up on my Instagram, and when I saw you walking out, you looked so happy. I didn’t want him to ruin anything. I should’ve closed the app before I locked my phone. It’s…” he knows he’s ranting. He tends to do that when he feels guilty about something, trying to make as many words as possible leave his mouth to hopefully explain how sorry he is.

Simon stops, making Wille stop too. “It’s not your fault, Wille. He’s an idiot. I’m an idiot,” he says. He smiles, but the smile never reaches his slightly glassy eyes.

“You’re not an idiot,” Wille says firmly. A statement he’s determined to say until Simon believes him.

“Marcus is not going to ruin this. So let’s forget about it, okay?” Simon states and looks over the beach. “We should sit over there.” He points towards the end of the beach, where a few trees has shielded the sand from the snow.

They make their way over there and Wille puts out one of the blankets for them to sit on. For a moment they just sit there, in silence, just looking out over the ocean. The only sounds are the small waves from the ocean washing in over the beach and the distant roam of cars. Darkness surrounds them, but it doesn’t feel heavy. It feels carefree. Easy. Peaceful.

Wille looks over at Simon; he can barely make out his features in the dark. He looks lost in thoughts, his eyes just stare out over the water, but it doesn’t look like he’s actually seeing anything. His knees are bent up and he holds his arms around them, hugging himself. Wille feels drawn to him, wants to hold him closer, make sure he’s not cold. Take his hand between his; reassure him that he’s not alone.

For a second he wonders if this was a bad idea. He thought it would make Simon happy, but maybe it had made him miss Venezuela and his family even more? Maybe a beach here in Stockholm with Wille wasn’t near to what he wanted? A growing unease fills his chest and he has to concentrate to breathe normally.

“This is nice,” Simon suddenly says, still lost in the horizon. And Wille feels like he can breathe. Maybe it was a good idea after all.

“That’s good,” he says, unable to take his eyes off Simon’s dreamy face. “Tell me about it? What you used to do? And before we leave…” he continues. Simon looks at him when he stops mid-sentence. Wille opens his backpack and takes out the sky lanterns. Simon’s face lights up, even in the dark. “We can send up these?”

Simon takes one of them and studies it. When he looks back at Wille, his eyes are glassy again, but this time he doesn’t look sad. “How did you know?” he asks, sounding shocked.

Wille chuckles and looks down, a blush creep up his neck, and he’s happy that it’s so dark Simon most likely can’t see it. “You told me a few years ago. That you used to send up these lanterns at the beach with your Abuela,” he says shyly, trying to sound like it doesn’t affect him this much that Simon looks at him like that.

“And you remembered?” Simon asks, like he’s not used to people doing that.

“Of course I remember. Why wouldn’t I?” Wille remembers basically everything Simon has ever said to him. He has a “things to remember about Simon”-drawer in his brain full of stuff to know about him. He looks up, meets Simon’s eyes. He wants to hide it, the love in his own eyes, but he’s not sure if he’s succeeding. But Simon just looks at him.

Simon runs a thumb over the paper, almost reverently. “My abuela used to tell me the flame carried our love straight to heaven. I used to beg her to let me light one myself, but she always said I had to wait until I was old enough. The year I finally did…” He trails off, smiling faintly, lost in the memory. A tear rolls down his cheek. He doesn’t care to brush it away, it rolls into the corner of his mouth and Wille is the one to look away.

It’s too much. He suddenly feels very warm and he opens the zipper on his jacket a little and loosens his scarf. His eyes are drawn back to Simon. Another tear has found its way down Simon’s cheek and Wille takes of his glove to wipe it away. Simon’s cheek is cold from the small breeze against his touch. The minute he realizes what he’s doing he pulls his hand back quickly, suddenly embarrassed. This wasn’t supposed to happen, so why did it feel so right? Why did he wish he could keep touching Simon like that?

Wille clears his throat before he opens his mouth to speak, hoping his voice still works. “Don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you sad,” he manages to utter. The last thing he wants is to make Simon sad again.

“I’m not sad,” Simon says, a small smile spreads on his lips. “This is perfect, Wille. It’s just…no one has ever done anything like this for me. It’s almost like they’re here. I can’t believe you remembered this.”

Wille lets out a breath at Simon’s words. Maybe it’s too much, too romantic for a friendship. But he’s starting to believe he’s at a point where he doesn’t really care anymore. He doesn’t have much fight left in him to cover it up.

“So, do you want to tell me? I remember you saying that you used to talk about memories. Tell me a memory?” Wille says as he lies down on the blanket. The sky is filled with stars; everything looks so much brighter during the winter. Maybe going stargazing on a beach isn’t the worst thing to do in December after all?

Simon lies down next to him, staring up at the sky. He’s smiling, like he remembers something happy. “I remember this one time. I was 10 maybe. It was after we moved here, so I was visiting with my mom and Sara. My Abuela took my hand and led me a little away from the others. We sat down on this huge rock and just scanned the horizon.”

Wille turns to look at him, that dreamy features are back on his face, and his eyes sparkle like the stars above. He could listen to Simon talk like this for hours.

“She started pointing out star signs to me, I can barely remember any of them now. Suddenly a shooting star lit up in front of us. She gasped and I was so excited, it was the first time I had really seen it with my own eyes. That’s when she told me it was a loved one letting us know they were still with us. That they were watching over us,” Simon stops talking and a comfortable silence falls over them.

It feels nice, to just lie there together, just being. No worries, no rush, just life happening all around them. Wille can see why Simon appreciates this tradition. Maybe, after today, they can continue the tradition. Bring Linda and Sara, make something special here in Stockholm too.

“One day, you’ll be back there,” Wille says after a while.

“I hope so,” Simon answers before he visibly shivers. He sits up and rubs his gloved hands together. “Okay, can we do the lanterns? I really love this, but it’s getting cold.”

Wille sits up too, he digs around his backpack for the lighter he brought and holds it out for Simon. “Do the honors,” he says with a smile. Simon takes the lighter and they arrange their lanterns before they stand up. “How do I do this?” Wille asks, because he has absolutely no idea how these things work.

“So, you hold it here,” Simon starts and shows Wille where to hold his lantern. “Then you light it up, holds it until it’s filled with air, then you let go.”

Wille holds on, while Simon lights his own lanterns first, then Wille’s. When they are filled with air, they both let go and the burning lanterns fly up to the sky. Wille follows it with his eyes. It’s quiet, peaceful. “Wow, that’s beautiful,” Wille almost whispers. A calm fills him just by looking at it, like knowing he’s not alone in the world. Could letting his secret go be as easy as letting lanterns fly?

Simon watches the light drift upward, his voice is soft when he speaks. “It feels the same. Like they’ll see it, even from here.” Wille glances over at him, he’s just staring at the lanterns. His eyes flicker between them. Then a smile spreads on his lips. “You’re starring again,” he teases, and Wille quickly looks away while he mumbles an apology.

He has to get his shit together, this is getting ridiculous. “I’ll just give you a minute,” he mutters, before he walks over to the trees again and starts packing up their things. A knot builds in his chest, and another small wave of fear washes over him. Simon can’t know, he can’t risk it. He doesn’t know how to go on without having Simon in his life. He takes a few deep breaths, and throws his backpack over his shoulder. He’s been able to hide it for so long, why is it suddenly so hard?

“You ready to go?” Simon’s voice breaks through his little meltdown, and he turns around with a smile he hopes doesn’t look too fake.

“Yes, let’s get back to the car,” Wille says and hands Simon his backpack. They walk back to the car in silence. Wille is lost in his head, trying to figure out why the hell he’s struggling so hard to keep his feelings hidden right now. Is it because for the first time in two years, it’s actually a possibility for something? That the opportunity is there now, and it hasn’t been before?

They reach the car, put their backpacks in the back before they get in. Wille starts the car and the music from before starts playing. Simon turns the volume down a bit, before he places a hand on Wille’s arm. Wille looks at Simon’s hand, then at him. The warmth from Simon’s hand spreads through his body, even through his jacket.

“Thank you for this, Wille. It really meant a lot to me,” he says sincerely.

“I just brought the lanterns, the rest was the calendar,” he says with a shrug.

Simon rolls his eyes before he retreats his hand and puts on his seat belt. “Yeah, right,” he says with a smile, like he doesn’t really believe what Wille is saying.

Right now, it doesn’t matter either. The important thing is that Simon seems happier, lighter. They drive back, singing to I love Rock ‘n Roll, before Simon puts on the newest Zara Larsson album. The car is filled with dance music and laughter and the loaded moments from the beach has lifted a little.

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something,” Wille says. He’s been thinking about the song Simon played for him after his break up with Marcus more than once. About how Simon never sent it to that artist because Marcus hadn’t liked it and then he’d caught him cheating. “I think you should send that song to the artist you talked about. It’s a great song, Simon. The world should hear it.”

Simon looks at him, before he shakes his head. “Do you have like a secret notepad where you write down everything I say? How do you remember all this?” Simon’s voice is filled with surprise, and Wille feels his cheeks go warm. If only Simon knew.

“It’s not that long ago you showed it to me, Simon,” he says as an excuse. Even though it could’ve been months ago, Wille would probably still remember it.

“I’ll think about it. Maybe I will,” he says quietly, before another song Simon likes comes on and he turns up the volume. At least Wille got to say what he wanted to say.

Wille drives up to Simon’s building and watches him climb out of the car and get his backpack. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says with a wave, and Wille is left alone in his car. Today was a good day, he thinks to himself. He’s happy he remembered Simon telling him about this when he brainstormed ideas with Felice.

He picks up his phone and calls her, while he drives back to his house. It takes a few beeps before she picks up, but then her cheery voice fills the car. “Hey, you.”

“Hey,” Wille answers, and he can’t help but smile, even if he’s in the car alone.

“How did it go today?” she continues. This idea was the one they were most unsure about how would go. It could either go as good as it had, or it could’ve made Simon even sadder.

“It went amazing, Felice. He looked so happy, and he said he really appreciated it. When I showed him the lanterns, he cried and I was so scared for a minute. But it was just perfect,” the words tumble out almost faster than he can say them.

Felice squeals on the other end when he’s done with his rant. “That’s amazing, Wille. I’m so happy it worked out.”

Wille is quiet for a second. “Yeah,” he says distant. “I am a bit scared though, that it got… I don’t know, too romantic?” he admits. The lines between friendship and relationship are blurring out, and he struggles to separate them in his mind.

“Okay, tell me everything,” Felice says, so Wille does. He tells her about Simon’s stories, about the way he wiped away his tears, the lanterns, everything.

Felice is silent for a second. “But he doesn’t know the calendar is from you, right?”

“No, he suspects, but he doesn’t know,” Wille confirms.

“And he’s the one who asked you to come. So it doesn’t have to mean anything. And if it does mean something to him, then hopefully you’ll find out soon, because I’m getting exhausted of your pining,” her words sound reasonable. He chooses to ignore her last comment about his pining. So instead he shifts the theme and ask her about her meeting with the TV producers, and they talk about that and his signed deal until he’s home.

When he parks in his own driveway he feels tired. Going around hoping that Simon will like all these activities and tasks, making sure he doesn’t slip up just yet, are really making him more exhausted than he thought it would. Some good sleep might not be the worst thing.

Chapter Text

Simon

The rain pours against his window, sounding like a drum. If it’s one thing you can rely on, it’s that the Swedish winter is unpredictable. Yesterday it had been cold and a clear sky, today you get rain, wind and some degrees warmer. Simon is thankful the weather decided to be on his side yesterday though. Being on the beach, stargazing and sending up the lanterns with Wille had been emotional. But it also felt like exactly what he needed. Maybe he should take Linda and Sara, make it their tradition here in Sweden too?

He’d felt so much closer to his family when he saw the lantern fly and light up the sky. Telling Wille about his memories from his childhood had felt really good. They were still a part of him, even if he hadn’t been back there for a few years now.

Now he’s just standing by the window, coffee in his hand and staring at the rain outside. Simon has no idea how long he’s been standing here. He checks his phone, 07.55. Shit, he should be at work in 35 minutes for a meeting with his boss.

He starts to run around his apartment, puts his coffee cup down at the table and pulls with him his backpack. Halfway out the door he suddenly remembers he hasn’t opened his calendar today. So he rushes back inside, shoes and coat on and searches the calendar for door #5. He opens it, pulls out the note and stuffs it in his pocket. He’ll read it on the subway.

The rain soaks his coat, and by the time he ducks into the subway train, his curls are a mess and he’s sure he can twist his socks. Fuck this weather. He sits down and takes a breath. This day can only get better, hopefully.

Simon digs out the note from the calendar. Finding out today’s activity would hopefully get him in a better mood. He unfolds the green note and reads what’s written on it. Gaaaaame night! Play a videogame, a board game or something else, alone or with your friends. It’ll be great to take your mind of things.

He smiles to himself. It had been a long time since he’s played videogames with Rosh and Ayub. But maybe inviting all their friends and have a board game night would be even more fun. They had done that a lot in college, alcohol, snacks and Monopoly. It was rarely a good combo, all of them tend to be overly competitive when there’s Monopoly and alcohol in the mix. But Simon still only has good memories from it.

Playing board games is also one of the few happy memories he has from his childhood where his dad is involved. They used to try and sit down a couple of times a month the whole family, Linda, Micke, Sara and him. The table was usually filled with snacks and candy in the colors of the rainbow and cards or other games where scattered all over the floor to pick from. For those nights, the house was filled with only laughter and Simon felt like he could be totally relaxed.

The radio voice announces his stop, and Simon throws his backpack over his shoulder and rushes out. He’ll text Wille about it after his meeting, which he has exactly seven minutes to catch.

With about a minute to spare Simon rushes into the office, dodges a quick “hello” from Rosh, digs out his notepad and runs to his boss’s office. He stops outside the door and takes a few deep breaths to calm his beating heart. Just get through this day, and he could have a nice Friday evening with his friends. He knocks on the door and opens it when he hears a “come in” from the other side.

“Simon, good morning,” Mrs. Eklund says before she looks up from her computer. She’s trying her best to hide her smile, meaning Simon must look drenched. “Raining, huh?”

Simon closes the door behind him, and sits down opposite Mrs. Eklund’s desk. “Don’t even get me started, please,” he just says and opens his notebook. Thankfully his boss is not that much older than him, and is always chill. She usually lets them work on their own, as long as they let her in on the progress and meets their deadlines.

After his meeting he sits down by his desk and closes his eyes for a second. The smell of coffee makes him open them again, seeing Rosh standing next to him with a steaming cup in her hand. “Bad morning?” she asks before she hands him the cup.

A groan leaves his throat, and he takes a sip of the coffee. “I almost got late to my meeting, you know how I hate being late. And it’s raining like crazy, so my shoes are soaked,” he says.

“Oookay… I’m heading out. Just wanted to give you a coffee, looked like you needed it,” Rosh says before she starts to walk back to her desk. Then Simon suddenly remembers the note from the calendar. Should he just ask her, and then talk to Wille later? It was his calendar after all, his decision.

“Hey, Rosh,” he calls after her. She stops and turns to look at him expectantly. “Up for a board game night? Calendar activity. Thought I could invite everyone and we could do games, snacks, a couple of bottles of wine?”

Rosh’s face lights up with a smile. “I’m so down, your place?” she asks while she points a finger towards him and walks backwards towards the elevator.

“I’ll ask if we can do it at Wille’s, his living room is a lot bigger than mine,” he laughs. “I’ll text you.”

Rosh gives him a thumb up and walks into the elevator with a wave. Simon has work to do, but he should probably ask Wille if it’s okay he’s inviting people to his house.

Simon: Board game night at your house? You can invite Henry and Felice, and I’ll invite Ayub and Rosh? I’ll bring alcohol and snacks, you bring Monopoly?

Wille doesn’t answer right away, meaning he’s probably busy. So Simon decides to get some work done too. He logs on to his computer and opens his notebook. He has a week to make his deadline so his computer is filled with different word files and a billion tabs on his Google Chrome.

He opens the word file with the messy transcript of the interview he had last week. He highlights a line where the artist said: “I don’t care that much about charts, I just want people to dance and have fun to my music.” Simon smiles to himself – that’s the kind of sentence that can anchor this whole piece. He likes writing music articles. He’d taken a few music classes in college together with his journalist classes. So he feels like this is what he does best.

The music speaks to him somehow. Hearing a song can bring out all kinds of different emotions. He can sit and analyze lyrics for hours, scribbling down notes, trying to figure out what the artist really means with them.

He puts in his earbuds, he works better with music. Then he starts to type. After writing a few paragraphs he leans back, rereads the first one again, and mutters under his breath. It’s too stiff, doesn’t feel right. He deletes it, and tries again: “This isn’t just an album, it’s a diary you can dance to.” That feels better. His fingers keep moving so he doesn’t lose this vibe.

A few more paragraphs done and he starts to second-guess it. It feels better, but not right. He marks everything and hits “delete.” The blank word page stares back at him and the marker blinks expectantly. Simon groans before he presses ctrl+Z and brings back all of it. He reads through it again. Rearranges a few sentences, adds another quote from the artist and an analyzed line from one of the songs before he reads it again. Yeah, definitely better. Sometimes deleting and restoring is like looking at it with new eyes.

His phone beeps, and he decides to take a small coffee break. Unlocking his phone he sees a text from Wille.

Wille: Sounds perfect! Just come by my place when you’re done at work. I’m leaving by 14.00 today. Pizza?

Simon: Pizza sounds perfect. I have to go home and change and take a shower, I’ll be at your place by 17.30. So I’ll tell Rosh and Ayub to be there at 19.00?

Wille: Sounds good, I’ll talk to Henry at lunch and text Felice.

A growl from his stomach lets him know it’s lunch. The rain is still pouring outside, but it’s not like he had time to bring lunch today, so the café on the corner it is. He puts his coat on and walks towards the elevator when a voice calling his name stops him.

He turns around to see Mrs. Eklund peek her head out of her office. “Are you buying lunch?”

“Yeah, you want anything?” he asks and pushes the button to the elevator.

“You mind bringing me a breakfast bagel? I’ll swish you the money? I’m swamped today,” she says with a smile and places the palms of her hands together as a prayer.

“Sure thing,” Simon says as the elevator lets him know it’s here. She shoots him a quick thank you and before he’s downstairs his phone beeps with a notification that he’s gotten money.

He runs the few meters to the café and is greeted with the warm, delicious smell of baked goods. There’s a small line, so he decides to call Ayub while he waits.

“Hey, man,” Ayub’s voice comes through the speaker on his phone after just a couple of beeps.

“Hey. Busy tonight?” Simon asks.

“Ehh, no. Don’t think so. What’s happening?” Ayub is usually always free, and if he’s not he gets out of it. If it’s not something really important, so Simon was pretty sure he would make this game night happen.

“Up for Monopoly and wine at Wille’s? Rosh is coming, most likely Felice and Henry too. It’s today’s calendar activity,” Simon says, as the barista asks him what he wants. He excuses himself to Ayub for a second and orders two breakfast bagels and a mocha. 

“Fuck yeah. Sounds perfect, when?” Ayub’s cheery voice says when Simon has got his order and is heading back to the office.

Simon mutters some quiet curses at the still bad weather and ducks back into the lobby of his work building. “19.00 at Wille’s. See you later,” he says and they say their goodbyes.

The rest of the work day goes by surprisingly fast, he texts Rosh about what time they’re going to meet up, text Wille that both Rosh and Ayub are in and get a respond that Henry and Felice are in too. He finishes the first draft of his article and is out of the office 20 minutes before he planned.

When he leaves the office it has finally stopped raining and since he was able to leave a little early, he decides to walk past his usual subway stop and take the next one. But he doesn’t have to walk too far to find out he should regret that. He can almost feel it before he sees it. Right next to the stairs leading down to the subway is no other than Marcus. How on earth is he going to sneak past him so he doesn’t have to interact with him at all?

Can he walk back again and just go down the stop he usually takes? No, he doesn’t have time for that right now. A gnawing feeling forms in his stomach and it’s like his lungs doesn’t want to take in the air he’s trying to breath. This is ridiculous; he’s a grown ass man. He should be able to walk past his ex without feeling like a complete idiot.

So he pulls his hoodie over his head, turns up the volume on his music and pretends to read something very interesting on his phone. Maybe Marcus is too occupied with himself to even notice him; it wouldn’t surprise him, if he’s being honest. Simon braces himself and starts to walk towards the stairs. Please let him be lucky today.

He’s not.

He can hear Marcus saying his name, even though his music is loud. But he pretends not too, maybe he’ll stop if Simon doesn’t respond.

He doesn’t.

He stops right in front of him, giving Simon no choice but to stop and look at him. He just stands there, waiting, smirking. Right now Simon isn’t sure why he fell for that smile. Catch him on a different time, and he would probably fall for it again.

“What do you want, Marcus?” he demands annoyed, making sure to seem very busy. He will be late if he doesn’t catch the next train so it’s actually not a lie. “I’m late.”

“I just wanted to know if you were okay? Can we maybe grab a coffee? Just talk?” Marcus asks, and Simon feels the knot in his chest get tighter. He has to get out of here, he can’t go back there with Marcus. He can’t, not now.

He takes a deep breath, and forces himself to meet Marcus’s eyes. When he doesn’t answer right away, Marcus takes a step closer and Simon can smell his familiar cologne. “Come on, Simon. Give me a chance to explain?” Marcus almost murmurs, his voice suddenly darker. There was a time where he would lose himself in those eyes, where he actually felt like they saw him. When those words would’ve made him melt on the spot.

“No, Marcus,” he just says now. Making it simple sounds like the best plan here. Then he brushes past Marcus and nearly runs down the stairs to the subway.

His emotions bounce back and forth, he’s not sure if he’s angry or tempted to say yes. It scares him, how Marcus can still have this kind of hold on him. It should’ve been easier to just move on when someone actually does something shitty to you.

The train ride, the shower and shopping goes by in a blur and by the time he walks through Wille’s door 10 minutes late, Simon isn’t sure if he remembered everything he was supposed to bring.

“Hey,” Wille calls, and meets him in the hallway. He takes the bags with the snacks and wine from him, and then stops to really look at him. “Are you okay? You look a little pale?”

Simon really hadn’t thought his meeting with Marcus had gotten to him so bad. Or at least he thought he would be over it by now. He hadn’t planned on telling Wille about it, this was supposed to be a good evening with just fun. But of course Wille had noticed something was wrong, because Wille noticed fucking everything.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he starts. But Wille still looks concerned, so he decides to just tell him. It would probably be easier to just get it out of the way. “I just ran into Marcus, he asked to talk.” Simon rolls his eyes as he says the last word.

Wille’s concerned face has shifted, and is now flickering between anger and restraint. Like he’s really trying his best to not blurt out how much he hates Marcus. Simon knows as much, but he appreciates Wille trying to control his anger.

“I’m sorry, Simon. He should know better,” he says through gritted teeth before he turns and walks into the living room with the bags. He opens the snack bags with a little too much strength and the bag almost rips all the way through making some of the chips fall all over the floor.

“It’s fine, I just told him no and went. Okay?” Simon states while he picks up the chips. He places a hand on Wille’s arm making him look at him. “Forget about it? Please? I want to have a fun night and not think about him.”

Wille takes a breath, but then his shoulders relax a little and he smiles a more genuine smile. “Sorry, I just hate what he did to you. And thinking that you’ll ever talk to him again? I’ll let it go,” he says.

Simon knows he shouldn’t talk to Marcus again too, but a part of him kind of wants to know what he has to say. But then again, he already managed to post pictures of kissing another guy, so maybe they are beyond the talking stage anyway.

For the next hour they make sure everything is ready, finishes the pizza (because Wille had to make homemade pizza of course), and have a glass of wine while they wait for the rest. At exactly 19.00, all four of their friends nearly fall through the door, laughing and talking like they’ve already had three drinks each. It’s clear that it’s been a while since everyone’s seen each other.

“Wille!” Felice shouts from the entryway, as more laughter fills the house.

“Yes?” Wille answers with a laugh too. The concerned features on his face are gone and he’s back to his normal Wille again.

Felice comes skipping into the living room with a bag in her hand and a smug smile on her face. And Simon has no idea what’s going on. “You found it?” Wille asks with a gasps and grabs the bag from Felice.

“Mhm,” she answers as she falls down on the couch next to Wille.

“What is it?” Simon asks. Wille opens the bag and reveals a huge candy cane. Simon lifts his eyebrow and just looks at Wille. “Seriously?”

Wille gasps at him, trying to look hurt. “Hey, this is one of the largest candy canes you can buy around here, do you know that?” And yes, Simon knows that. “I’ve been waiting for this for a year!”

Simon lifts his arms in defense, but to see Wille so happy over something so small makes him smile too. It never takes much to make Wille happy; it’s one of the things Simon admires about him. Not that he’s easy, but just that he appreciates the small things in life.

“Okay, are we going to play or what? I’ve brought my A-game here,” Henry calls when everyone is gathered around the table. A ding from the kitchen tells them the pizza is ready and the smell of melted cheese and tomato sauce fills the whole house.

“First pizza, then we’ll play,” Wille states and walks to the kitchen to get the pizza.

The rest of them places out the plates and pours the wine. And in no time the living room is filled with laughter, talking, red cheeks from the wine and bickering about who’s the best player. It’s just like old times, Simon thinks and looks at all his friends. This is what it’s all about.

Marcus never wanted to participate in these game nights; he said board games weren’t his thing. So it had been times where Simon had ditched it too, making it happen less and less. He really regrets that now. Having his friends close is so much more important. It feels safe and joyful, like he really belongs here.  

When the pizza is gone, and the glasses are filled again the game is placed on the table and even if all of them are a little buzzed after a few glasses of wine their faces suddenly turn serious. This might be a game, but it’s a serious game.

“Okay, so everyone ready?” Ayub asks. When everyone has agreed he rolls the dice, and the game is on. The first few rounds are slow, just everyone buying a few properties each, it’s the last rounds that are the most exciting ones.

Like when Rosh lands on Simon’s “Pennsylvania Avenue” with four houses and has to pay him a fortune. Wille finally has the opportunity to buy the hotel on “the Boardwalk” and everyone knows that whoever lands there is out of the game. When Felice lands on Ayub’s “Kentucky Avenue” with a hotel she’s out with a groan. Ayub’s smile could almost break his face in two.

“I need more wine,” Henry says when it’s his turn to roll the dices and he’s close to “the Boardwalk”.

“I can fix that,” Felice says with a laugh before she fills up all their glasses. “A toast then, before we watch everyone lose to Wille’s stupid hotel.”

Everyone raises their glass and clinks them together. “Who said anything about losing? I have a pretty good streak there, it can happen,” Simon protests. He has four houses on all the green streets, so he actually believes he has a shot at winning this. As long as he doesn’t land on Wille’s stupid hotel.

In the end, it’s Simon against Wille. Rosh was the next one after Felice to be broke, then Henry and Ayub just had to sell everything to pay Simon. He has no idea how many glasses they’ve had but his head is slightly spinning and he’s giggling at every comment Wille makes on either his own move or Simon’s.

“You ready for this?” Wille nearly whispers when he leans in closer to reach for the wine bottle on the other side of Simon. Wille’s eyes are shining and his cheeks are pinked from the wine. “I’ll beat you, you know,” he adds and somehow his voice is darker than usual.

It makes Simon’s heart skip a beat for some strange reason. It’s not the first time it’s the two of them left at the end of the game, it’s not the first time they are being this close, it’s not the first time they are drunk together. But still it feels different, Wille seems different. Bolder? Mysterious? Simon isn’t sure, and he decides to not dwell on it, he has a game to win.

“Oh really? Like you did when we were in this exact same situation last time?” he teases. Wille’s jaw drops in pretend shock at Simon’s implication that he’ll win. “It’s on,” Simon continues, and rolls the dice. Their friends are laughing and talking but they pay attention to every roll of the dice, every move. Cheering when one of them land on the other’s property and have to pay.

After another while, Simon has no idea how long they’ve been playing. But the cheering gets more quiet and he can feel it’s been a long game by the lack of enthusiasm from all of them.

He rolls the dice, and he can see it on Wille’s face before he’s even moved his piece. He’s going to land on Wille’s hotel at “the Boardwalk.” Wille’s lips turn into a huge grin and he throws his hands in the air. It wakes the others up and they all see what’s happening. Simon moves his piece and Wille lets out a loud cheer.

“Fine, you win,” Simon says resigned, but he can’t help but smile too at Wille’s happiness. Again, such a small thing that puts a big smile on Wille’s face.

“Thank God, it’s over,” Rosh says with a playful roll of her eyes. “Now music and some dancing before we leave, right?” she adds and the rest agrees. Ayub connects his phone to Wille’s speaker and suddenly “Shut up and Dance” fills the living room.

Wille puts a hand on Simon’s thigh and leans in close enough for only Simon to hear his words. “I told you I’d beat you.” He’s close enough for Simon to smell the wine on his breath, and for some reason his hand on Simon’s thigh feels more intimate than they’ve ever been. And after kissing more than once back in college, that says a lot.

“Come on, stop flirting and dance,” Felice yells as she drags Wille with her to where they’ve made a small dancefloor. It’s not the first time their friends have teased them about flirting, but usually they deny it right away. Now Wille just laughs and let his hand linger a second longer, before he joins the rest. But he’s drunk – they all are – so it’s probably just that. Nothing else.

Simon meets Wille’s eyes, who doesn’t waver; they stay on him, like he’s the only one in the room. Simon shakes his head, just drunken fun, as usual. He joins his friends on the small, improvised dancefloor, and the memory of Marcus from before – that has been haunting him on and off all night – is finally gone.

Chapter Text

Wille

When Wille sees the text from Simon with a picture attached, he already knows what it says. He also knows he’s probably screwed. They were supposed to just have a couple of bottles of wine last night, but he’s cleaned up at least 5, meaning they most likely almost had a bottle each. He remembers everything too, and he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

The way he’d held Simon’s thigh, the way he knows he looked at him, how his voice had grown darker without him even thinking about it. He just has to hope that Simon was drunk too, and that he didn’t think about it as anything other than some drunken mistakes.

He picks up his phone from where he placed it on the floor a few seconds ago. He’s used the morning cleaning up from last night, and just took a break, face-down on the couch. His head is still pounding and he’s in desperate need of some real coffee, like the really good one he gets at the coffee shop a few blocks down.

The light from his phone makes him squint his eyes and he groans. He’s 24 years old, he should be able to drink a bottle of wine without feeling like shit. Simon’s text shines back at him and he opens it.

Simon: Guess we’re pulling a two-nighter huh? [Attached: pic]

Wille clicks on the picture, even though he knows what it says. The purple note almost makes his head pound harder. Party! Go out, drink, dance. Just enjoy life! He’s not enjoying life right now, but he also knows he’ll be ready to go out again tonight. A few hours of sleep on the couch, some painkillers and a coffee or two when he wakes up and he’ll be good to go.

Wille: Guess we are! I’ll be ready, after some sleep.

Simon: Yeah, same. I can sleep at yours right? You live closer.

Simon usually always sleeps at Wille’s house when they go out. It only makes sense when Wille lives a walking distance from the nightclub they usually go to. And who is Wille to complain about falling asleep listening to Simon’s breathing?

Wille: Of course. Just come whenever.

He locks his phone and places it on the table this time. Sleep sounds like the perfect cure for everything right now, so he pulls one of the pillows under his head and closes his eyes.

A few hours later, he wakes by a desperate buzzing sound from his phone. He grabs for it, with his eyes still half closed. A call from Henry lights up the screen and he swipes to answer.

“Hey,” he croaks out, and clears his throat.

Henry either doesn’t notice, or he doesn’t care. Because he gets right to the point. “Wille, what’s your plan for tonight? My parents are in town, and I need an excuse to not see them two nights in a row. I have to have dinner with them tomorrow.”

Wille knows Henry moved away from Gothenburg mainly to get away from his parents. They were sweet and Henry didn’t have any bad words to say about them. But they could be intense, and liked to pry into his life as best as they could.

“I’m going out with Simon. I’m sure you can join us?” Wille answers before he even thinks it over. Maybe he should’ve talked to Simon about it before he invited Henry? But usually Simon never minds that some of their friends tag along. The more the merrier, right? He hopes that saying is valid tonight too.

Henry sighs in delight on the other end. “Yes! That would be great. You sure Simon doesn’t mind? You guys seemed unusually close last night? Like college close, again?” Wille knows he’s just teasing, but it still stings because of how much he wishes it would be true. He can’t be drunk tonight. The lines are already way too blurry, add alcohol in the mix and Simon in his bed, and it’s a catastrophe bound to happen.

“He won’t mind,” Wille says, hoping he’s right. “And also, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” Wille sits up, his headache is less present after his nap. Now he just needs coffee. So much coffee.

A loud laugh comes from the other end of the phone, and Wille rolls his eyes to himself. “Yeah right. I’ll text you tonight, okay?” Henry just says and Wille is happy he decides to let it go quickly. He’s not sure if he has enough energy to fight Henry on this right now.

He says goodbye and drags his body off the couch and into the entryway to put on his shoes and coat. Outside it’s cloudy and cold, but at least it’s not raining. The roads are a little slippery, so the walk to the coffee shop will be slow today. He texts Simon that Henry will join them later, before he orders a large oat milk latte, with extra sugar. He needs both caffeine and sugar to get through the rest of the day.

The barista calls his name and he thanks her for his coffee before he walks back outside. His phone buzzes with a text and he stops to check it, not daring to walk on the slippery road without watching where he’s going.

Simon: Great! I’ll be at your house by 18.00-ish, I’ll bring tequila!

And with that, Wille is fucked. He’s been drunk on tequila on too many occasions and he can already feel that his Sunday will be the worst Sunday in a long time. He also knows what tomorrow’s calendar activity is, and it’s not something he really wants to do hungover. But that has to be tomorrow-Wille’s problem. Because apparently today-Wille is getting drunk on tequila.

Wille: Sounds good, see you soon.

When Simon walks through his door at 18.15, Wille wishes he was drunk already so he could have something to blame. Simon is wearing black leather pants, and a sheer see-through black lace shirt that hugs his body just perfectly. His chest is pressing against the lace when he opens his black jacket. Wille knows he’s staring, but he can’t look away. His eyes are drawn to Simon like a magnet is drawn to metal.

Simon stops on the threshold and hesitates. Get it together, man, Wille thinks and shakes his head. A warm blush creeps up his neck, and he forces himself to look away. This is going to be a long night.

“Ready to party?” Simon asks after a few uncomfortable seconds of silence. It’s usually never uncomfortable silences between them. So Wille puts on a smile that he hopes doesn’t look fake and tries his best to pretend that whatever just happened, didn’t.

“Yes, please,” he says and takes the bottle Simon is offering him. He brings out two shot glasses and fills them before he throws back one right away. The strong liquid burns down his throat, but it feels good. Screw not getting drunk, he has to be drunk to get through this, even though the plan of this party was fun, not danger.

He fills it up again and gives one glass to Simon who still stands on the exact same spot with an unreadable look on his face. “Okay,” he says and takes the glass from Wille. “Guess we’re getting drunk tonight then.” They clink their glasses together and drink.

Getting drunk on tequila was their signature move in college. It was fast and cheaper than beer or other drinks. Seven to eight shots of tequila in a short amount of time and then they were good to go for hours. But it also meant losing their minds a little, like dancing close, flirting, kissing, almost fooling around. Falling asleep tangled together on some couch or in a bed somewhere. Wille isn’t sure if he can afford that right now. If his heart can take that.

He’s always had some kind of attraction towards Simon. But back then it was just that, if they kissed he was okay the next day. Didn’t crave it like his lungs craved air. If he kisses Simon now, he’s not sure if he’ll be able to stop.

By the time Henry shows up hour and a half later, the tequila bottle is half full and Wille’s head is buzzing joyfully. “Heeenry,” he exclaims loudly before both him and Simon bursts out laughing. Simon leans on Wille’s side, and Wille places his arm around Simon’s waist. Drunk-Wille apparently doesn’t care.

“Wow, looks like I have some catching up to do?” Henry says with raised eyebrows, and Wille hands him the bottle. Henry takes two big gulps and grimaces. “Fuck, that’s awful.” He takes a breath before he takes another sip.

A while later they're all buzzed and the laughter comes easily. “I’m heading to the bathroom, and then we can leave. Alright?” Simon says cheerfully. He leans in close enough for Wille to feel his breath on his cheek and his heart beats ten times faster. He’s well aware that drunk-Simon is much clingier than he usually is. Been on the receiving end of that more than once.

“Mmmhm,” Wille lets out, his voice a few pitches higher than usual. Simon smiles and jumps of the couch and nearly runs to the bathroom.

Wille exhales loudly before he turns to Henry. He hasn’t said much, but when Wille meets his eyes he looks at him expectantly. Like he’s waiting for Wille to tell him something he thinks he’s known a while.

A moment of clarity hits him when Simon is out of the room and his mind is a little less foggy. Wille closes his eyes, and decides to trust Henry enough to let it on him. He has to have one person in his corner tonight. “Okay, I need your help tonight,” he says, it comes out sounding more serious than intended. Henry’s face turns from amused to serious at his tone. “I can’t be alone with him. At least not at the club. I don’t trust my drunk self, and Simon gets…clingy. I can’t kiss him, okay?” He knows he sounds desperate and stupid. But the alcohol isn’t his best friend right now.

“What’s going on? You guys always seem flirty, but nothing ever happens?” Henry asks looking curious.

They can hear the toilet flush and the water starting to run. “It just can’t happen. It doesn’t mean the same to Simon as it does to me. He still needs time to heal,” Wille replies. He doesn’t want to be Simon’s rebound, his heart could never deal with that. It would break into a million pieces that would be impossible to put back together. If he’s ever going to be with Simon, it needs to be real.

“Please?” Wille pleads quietly when the bathroom door opens and they can hear Simon’s steps coming down the hall towards the living room.

“Okay, okay. But when you guys leave, you’re on your own,” Henry says quickly. Wille nods a silent thank you and puts a smile on his face when Simon enters the room.

Henry grabs the tequila bottle and takes two large sips before he hands it to Wille. He sends him an “I got you” look and a small nod when Wille takes the bottle and takes a large sip. It would be okay, Henry would be there all night and he would just have to cross his fingers that they would both just crash when they got home.

Wille hands the bottle to Simon, who takes it without hesitation. Seeing Simon in such a good mood makes Wille very happy. It’s worth all the pining, all the longing looks, the painful touches that can’t turn out to be anything more.

“Ready?” Simon asks and holds out his hands to both of them. Wille is thankful Henry takes it too, and they stumble out the door. His drunken mind is back in motion and they have to lean on each other when they walk on the slippery road towards the nightclub.

Loud music sounds from around the corner together with laughter and chatter from people. “Okay, act normal now, so we actually get in,” Henry says as serious as he can. It makes all of them giggle before they let go of each other and take a few deep breaths.

They get in without problem, strangely enough, and make their way through the crowd towards the bar. The floor is sticky, making Wille’s shoes stick to it as he walks. “First round’s on me,” he shouts over the music and orders three beers. They’re already drunk – even Henry has started to stumble a little when he speaks – they don’t need more booze.

The club is covered in neon lights and smells of spilled booze and smoke from the smoking machines. It’s a Saturday so the dance floor is already packed and basically every table is occupied. They clink their bottles together and take a sip. For a while they just stand by the bar, sipping the beer and scanning the crowd.

Then “Ain’t my fault” comes blaring out of the speakers and Simon’s face light up. He looks over at Wille, and Wille already knows what’s going to happen before Simon says anything. Simon downs the rest of his beer before he shouts that they are definitely dancing. He’s already out on the dance floor before Wille and Henry has time to drink up their drinks.

Wille makes his way to the dance floor with Henry right behind him. But his eyes are locked on Simon, the way he moves his hips to the music, hitting every note. He’s taken off his jacket and his skin shines through his lace shirt when the moving lights hit him. His curls glow like a halo on his head, and Wille is sure he’s never looked more beautiful. Then Simon swings around, meets his eyes and smiles and Wille knows he has lost.

He dances over to where Simon is. He’s forgotten that Henry is right there too, because his alcohol-infused brain only sees Simon. They dance closer, Simon puts his arm on Wille’s shoulder and Wille slides his hand around Simon’s waist. Simon looks up at him, his eyes slightly blurry from the alcohol.

Then Simon starts to sing to the music, not loud enough for Wille to hear, but he can see his lips moving. “So if I put your hands where my eyes can’t see, then you’re the one who’s got a hold on me.” Simon lives into the music. Wille’s heart is pounding and he tries his best to concentrate on the music and not on Simon. It might be his hardest task yet.

The next song is more upbeat, and they end up jumping around the dancefloor together with the rest of the dancing people. Wille’s jaw and stomach hurts from laughing and smiling, and he’s forgotten about everything he was supposed to remember.

“I need a drink,” Simon yells after some more dancing, before he starts to walk toward the bar.

“I’m just going to the restroom,” Wille shouts to Henry who just gives him a nod. He makes his way to the back of the club and into the quieter restroom. It feels good to rest his ears and his head from the music for a second. He washes his hands and splashes some water in his face to try and steady the spinning in his head. When he meets his own reflection in the mirror, he chuckles. His cheeks are red, his hair is a mess and the four top buttons on his shirt are undone. He doesn’t even remember doing that.

When he emerges from the restroom, he can see Henry standing at a table talking to some people Wille doesn’t know. He decides he doesn’t need him right now, he can do this himself. It’s not a problem. So he navigates his way towards the bar. But then he stops dead. He spots Simon by the bar, drink in his hand, leaning his head back in a laugh. The club is dark, but the neon lights from behind the bar light up his face showing his blushed cheeks.

Then Wille’s eyes move to the person who is making Simon laugh like that and it’s like his heart is stopping. Simon leans in closer to the person and he slides his hand around his waist where Wille’s hand had been only a little while ago. His smug face is fixated on Simon like a predator.

Marcus!

Simon had a lot to drink, but Wille hadn’t thought he was this drunk. That he would let Marcus touch him, laugh at his jokes. Let him look at him like he owns him. In an instant Wille feels sober. It’s like the alcohol left his body together with the color of his face. For a minute he’s glued to the sticky floor.

A part of him just wants to leave, not deal with any of this. But another part of him hopes he knows Simon well enough that he has to stop this. That Simon will hate himself and Wille tomorrow if he doesn’t. So he starts to walk over there, not taking his eyes off Simon for a second. He watches Simon sway, almost fall and Marcus catching him with his huge hands. Those hands are too huge for Simon, it looks like the hulk, they don’t match. But Simon somehow giggles, and it aches in Wille’s chest.

Suddenly someone grabs him, and he stops to pull his arm back hard. He turns around to see Henry standing behind him. “Don’t do anything stupid now, Wille,” he leans in to say loud in his ear.

Anger bubbles up in Wille’s chest. He wants to pull Marcus out of there by the collar of his terribly good looking white shirt, which shines in the stupid neon lights. He wants to punch the ridiculous smirk of his face. Wants to rip those huge hulk-hands off Simon’s waist.

“I can’t just not do anything, this was not how this advent activity was supposed to be,” Wille shouts before he turns back to look at Simon and Marcus. The anger mixes with jealousy and he knows it’s the worst combination, but he doesn’t know how to not let it happen. Simon deserves so much more than a cheating bastard like Marcus, but it’s also Simon’s life. No, he has to do something. “I’m going over there.”

Henry tries to grab his arm again and shouts something Wille doesn’t catch, but he rips his arm back and walks towards Simon. He can feel Henry follow him, and it might not be the worst idea to have Henry with him. Even if he suddenly feels sober, he’s pretty sure his mind would act differently if he actually were. But also? He doesn’t fucking care.

Marcus spots him first, and tightens his hold on Simon. Wille can see it on his face, the “I won” look, even though Simon visibly shifts in his grip. The anger boiling in his chest makes his face burn and he takes a breath to calm himself as much as he possibly can.

When he’s close enough he places a hand on Simon’s shoulder and leans in to speak only to him. “We should go,” he states. It makes Simon turn out of Marcus’s grip and look at him. For a second something flickers over his face. Guilt maybe? But it’s gone before Wille can really catch it and switched out with a smile.

“Wille!” he shouts and leans in to hug him, like he hadn’t just seen him not that long ago. “Where have you been?”

“I was just in the restroom, but we should go home!” Wille tries again, avoiding Marcus’s face as best as he can. He can feel Henry’s eyes on them, watching out for anything he possibly has to stop.

Then Marcus leans forward, pulling Simon back towards him a little. Simon pushes at Marcus’s hand lightly, but then it looks like he deflates and just goes with it, and Wille instinctively reaches for his hand. “Why leave so soon? We’re only talking,” Marcus says, but his eyes are filled with mischief.

Simon laughs, downs his drink. “Come on, Wille. It’s just fun,” he says and leans over the bar to order four shots. Wille takes a small step forward before he feels Henry’s hand grab lightly at his wrist. He half turns to looks at him. Henry shoots him a look, a silent order to calm down. He takes a deep breath. He can’t explode here.

The bartender places the shots in front of them, Simon takes one and lifts it up to a cheer. Marcus does the same, so Wille copies him. “To fun,” Simon says and downs the shot. The rest follow him and places their glasses back on the bar. Simon stumbles and nearly falls again, but Marcus catches him and leads him to sit on his lap. He says something into Simon’s ear that Wille can’t hear, Simon hesitates for a short second but then he laughs.

Wille knows that if he stays, this will probably end badly and Simon will be mad at him for it. So he decides to get out of there. “I’m leaving,” he shouts to Simon before he starts to walk out of the bar, hoping with all his heart that Simon will follow him.

Outside the ice-cold December air hits him in the face. It feels nice against his hot skin and he closes his eyes for a second to really soak in it. Something hits him lightly in the shoulder and he opens his eyes and turns around to see Simon standing there. “What the hell, Wille?” he mumbles a little too loud, their ears deafen by the music inside the club. Henry comes stumbling out too, he pushes them lightly to move away from the small crowd standing outside the club to take some air, and around the corner.

“What?” Wille bites back. He knows he shouldn’t be angry at Simon, but his jealousy has won him over.

“Why are you being an asshole?” Simon continues, he folds his arm in front of his chest. A comforting mechanism Wille knows he does when he’s feeling unsure about something.

Wille wants to reach out, to hold Simon in his arms and tell him he’s sorry. But he doesn’t. “I’m an asshole? What about the douchebag sitting inside the club?” he says loud, he knows he’s probably being unfair too, but again, he can’t stop it.

“We were just talking. I wasn’t planning on going him with him,” Simon says, more calm now. He looks down on his shoes, before he slowly lifts his head to meet Wille’s eyes. It’s like a silent plead shining from them, like he’s asking Wille to understand.

But Wille doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand why Simon suddenly feels okay to talk to Marcus today, but yesterday it was apparently completely not an option. “You sure about that?” he asks, but the minute the words are out he regrets it.

Simon’s face falls, and Wille hates his own mouth for speaking without permission. He tries to make his brain come up with the words that will make this okay again right away, but nothing comes to mind. It was a low blow, he’s well aware of that.

“Wow,” Simon says, and turns to walk away.

Wille reaches out for him, grabs his arm to make him stop. “Simon, I didn’t mean…” he starts but he never gets to finish his apology before Simon rips his arm back.

When he turns around to look at Wille his eyes are burning with hurt and anger. “Don’t bother. Just leave,” he says before he walks around the corner and is gone.

Wille wants to break apart and cry right where he stands, just vanish from the world. Henry has been standing a few steps away, watching them. But now he’s coming closer. He places a hand on Wille’s shoulder, making him look at him. “Go home, I’ll stay with him and make sure he gets home okay. You guys should talk in the morning, when you’re both sober,” he says and gives Wille a small push in the direction of his house.

Reluctantly Wille turns to walk home. What had he done? This was not how this night was supposed to end. They were supposed to walk home together, laughing, leaning on each other. Then crash out on Wille’s bed and he would sleep better than he has in days, knowing that Simon is right there. This was supposed to be a fun activity from the calendar, a way for Simon to forget about Marcus. Instead it led him straight to him. And now Wille might’ve lost his opportunity forever.

He stumbles through his front door, alone. He crashes on his own bed, alone. Doesn’t bother to undress. And then he cries, because what else is he supposed to do? He’s probably ruined everything.

Wille never falls asleep. But he pretends to be when he can hear Henry helping Simon inside, even follows him to the bedroom and makes sure he’s safely in bed before he leaves. Wille lies completely still, listening to Simon’s uneven breathing. He knows he’s crying too, can feel it, hear it. But he doesn’t reach out. It’s not his place. Not right now, at least.

Chapter Text

Simon

When Simon wakes the next morning he feels disoriented. His head is pounding, he feels nauseous and his mouth is as dry as Sahara. He rubs his eyes, and blinks a few times trying to get used to the light.

Light? So it’s at least past 09.00 Simon guesses. He looks around the room, realizing he’s in Wille’s bed. Last night is kind of a blur at this point, and he’s not quite sure how he got back here. Simon turns his head slowly, but Wille isn't in the bed with him. He turns his head to the other side, hoping to find his phone.

On the nightstand is a large glass of water, some painkillers, a can of ice-coffee and a note. He tries to sit up, feeling his head might explode. Simon decides to start with the painkillers and downs the whole glass. The cold water runs down his throat, and it makes his head a little clearer.

He picks up the note and reads what’s written on it. Out buying coffee with Felice. If you leave before I’m back, just lock the door. Text me later? -W.

Why would he be out buying coffee with Felice so early after a night out? Simon knows Wille usually likes to sleep in the next day. He puts the note back on the nightstand and opens the can with a smile. Wille always knew what he needed when he was hungover, coffee usually being the only thing.

He takes a large sip of the coffee and twists his brain to remember last night. He’s never had real blackouts before; the memories usually come back to him sooner rather than later. And when he takes another sip of his coffee it comes rushing back to him.

Tequila, lots of it. Laughter, dancing, being way closer to Wille than he’s been for a long time. Then Marcus’s face plays before his eyes, his hands on his waist; Wille’s angry face; the comment about Simon going home with Marcus. A knot forms in his stomach and suddenly he’s not nauseous because of the alcohol anymore.

How could he let that happen? That was not supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to ever talk to Marcus again, and to let him touch him, sit on his lap? Simon would never drink alcohol again. What had he been thinking?

Then Wille had left. The comment had stung in the moment; it had felt like Wille didn’t trust him. So he’d gone back inside, but not back to Marcus. He went to the dancefloor, danced around by himself. He knew Henry was keeping an eye on him, could almost feel it. And he has to admit he was thankful, especially when Marcus came to the dancefloor too.

He’d sought him out with his scary, predatory eyes, tried to get closer, leaning in. And then Henry had been there. Just asking if Simon was okay, not making a big number of it. Simon had shaken his head lightly, but enough for Henry to notice. «You want to leave?» he’d asked. And even though Simon actually didn’t want to leave, he said yes. Because it wasn’t the same anymore, not without Wille.

On the way back he could feel the tears burn in his eyes. He hated himself for being dragged back into Marcus’s hold on him. He was mad at Wille for handling it like that. Yes, Wille never liked Marcus, and he only wanted to look out for Simon. But it had felt like something else too. Jealousy? Hurt?

And now, Simon isn’t completely sure on how to fix this. Wille wasn’t even here to fix it; he was out, with Felice. Simon wipes away a stray tear and gets out of the bed. His hungover is gone, replaced by something he’s not sure he can even explain.

So he changes out of yesterday’s clothes, drinks his coffee and nearly runs out the door of Wille’s house. He pulls his hoodie over his head, and closes his jacket before he rushes to the subway. He has to get home. He usually never felt safer than at Wille’s house, but right now, he feels insecure there. Like the house judges him somehow.

The minute he walks in through his own door, his phone buzzes in his pocket. He digs it out, hoping with all his heart it’s Wille texting him because he’s come up with the perfect solution to solve this, the way Simon hasn’t. His heart sinks to the bottom of the deepest ocean when he sees who it’s from.

Marcus: Last night was fun. We should do it again.

Just reading Marcus’s text makes him want to throw up. He debates for a second if he should answer or not, and decides to reply just this once.

Simon: No it wasn’t. And it will not happen again. Don’t talk to me again.

He taps on Marcus’s contact, his fingers hover over the delete button longer than he wants. A memory tries to sneak in – Marcus laughing on the couch, handing him an ice-coffee on a lazy Sunday. For a second, it almost hurts to cut him out. Simon’s been wondering how he could let last night happen, this is why. These small glimpses of happy memories.

Then another memory takes over. Marcus’s possessive hands on his hips last night, the way he’d tighten his grip, like Marcus owned him. Simon exhales sharply, Marcus is out of his life, last night will not happen again. He presses the delete button with a firm finger.

The hesitation makes him furious with himself. No more excuses. Marcus is a cheating idiot, and fuck it, Simon deserves better. Preferably someone who doesn’t feel like they need to sleep with other people when they’re with him.

He closes his phone and throws it one the couch and sinks down into the cushions. He closes his eyes for a second, feeling the tears that threatens to spill over. When he opens his eyes again they fall on the advent calendar.

Today’s activity!

What would that even be like? Should he do it by himself today? No, first he should figure out what it is, then what to do about it.

He drags himself up from the cozy, soft couch with a sigh and walks over to it and searches for door #7. A brown piece of paper is folded behind the door, and he takes it out slowly. He’s not sure what he wants it to be, what would make it the easiest. Could he just not do today’s activity? It’s not like it’s bound by law or anything.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, shall we, Simon thinks before he unfolds the paper. No Christmas without cookies! Time to bake.

Great!

Christmas cookies? He loves stupid Christmas cookies. Sara and he used to make it every year when they still lived with Linda. After Simon started college they tried to keep the tradition alive, but it just never fitted both their schedules, so it died out. He has to admit, he really miss it.

All these traditions from his childhood make him feel rooted, grounded. It’s something he knows, something familiar. It’s like a breath of fresh air in a hectic everyday life. Meaning he probably should do this activity.

Maybe he should invite both his mom and Sara over to bake? It would be like old times, the three of them in the kitchen, flour everywhere, Sara complaining about why it took so long to bake them in the oven. The two of them sneaking Christmas cookies into their room at night and munch under the covers, waking up during the night because it was crumbles everywhere.

Would having Linda and Sara here too make it less awkward with Wille? Did he have to talk to Wille at all? Yes, he did, the rationale part of his brain shouts at him. It would be nice to just do this with his mom and Sara, but he wants Wille there, he really does.

Fine, he’ll text Wille, Sara and his mom. It would be fine.

Simon picks up his phone and opens Wille’s contact. His fingers hover over the keyboard for several seconds, maybe minutes. He’s almost lost track of time. Then he just decides to make it easy.

Simon: up for Christmas cookies? I’m going to ask Sara and my mom too, like old times.

Yeah, that sounds good, it doesn’t sound too much like he does it because he doesn’t want to be alone with Wille right now. He sends a text in the group chat with Sara and Linda asking if they are free to do some baking today. Then he falls back down into the couch and closes his eyes.

When he opens them again, he’s not sure how long he’s been sitting there. He checks his phone, realizing it’s been a few hours and he has several unread texts.

Both Linda and Sara say they’ll be there, and he lets out a breath of relief. Linda would bring whatever they needed and be there at 17.00. Simon is thankful, because he’s not sure if he has anything to bake cookies with right now.

He takes a breath before he opens the text from Wille.

Wille: okay, I’ll be at your place in a few hours.

Well, to Simon it’s already been a few hours, so that means Wille could be here any minute. He checks his phone and realizes it’s 16.20 and Simon still hasn’t showered or even eaten anything today. So he shoots Wille a quick text, saying that he’ll jump in the shower and he should let himself in when he gets here. He’s not even completely sure why he felt the need to tell Wille to just walk in, they always do that anyway.

As he’s getting dressed, he can hear the door open and close. Suddenly his heart beats faster and the knot in his stomach is back, tighter than ever. He braces himself before he opens the door. Here goes nothing.

«Hey,» Wille says casually as Simon walks out of the bathroom, he looks at him for a short second before he makes his way to the kitchen without another word. Simon tries to figure out what to say. Sorry seems like the right way to go, but he’s not sure if he’s completely ready to admit it yet.

He walks towards the kitchen with slow steps but before he reaches it, there’s a knock on the door. Simon could probably kiss his sister and his mom right now, for coming at the exact right time. He opens the door with a smile.

«Hola, mi hijo,» Linda smiles at him, and Simon can feel his body relax right away. His mom’s presence is exactly what he needs.

He gives her a hug and tells her that Wille is in the kitchen. She makes her way there and Sara comes in and gives him a hug too. «Hey, Simme. Everything okay? You look pale,» she says and of course she has to notice that something is up. He’s never been able to hide anything from Sara, ever.

«Yeah, just hungover,» he says with a laugh, it’s not a lie. So technically she can’t see through it. She still studies him for another second, like she’s trying to figure out what’s really going on.

Then she shakes her head lightly, apparently deciding to let it go for now. They walk into the kitchen where Wille and Linda have already placed all the ingredients out on Simon’s small counter. They are talking and laughing and Simon almost forgets that Wille and he have barely talked in the last 15 hours or so.

«Gingerbread okay? I didn’t have everything we needed to make Polvorosas,» Linda says cheerfully while she ties her apron around her waist.

«Polvorosas?» Wille asks, confused.

Linda smiles at him before she starts explaining. «It’s a Venezuelan Christmas cookie. I bake it every year,” she starts before Sara interrupts her.

“They melt in your mouth, Wille. There’s no Christmas without them. I’ll make sure to sneak someone and bring you when mom makes them this year. You’ll love them,” Sara exclaims happily, and Simon has to laugh. It feels good to laugh. Wille smiles too and Simon tries to get eye contact. To send a silent “are we okay?” message.

But Wille never looks at him, he focuses on Sara and points a finger at her while he speaks. “I will hold you to that.”

“I’ll make you your own batch, Wille. Don’t worry,” Linda says and rubs Wille’s arm. He smiles at her and says thank you. “We could’ve made it today, but this baking session got kind of thrown at me, I guess you can say.» She turns to look at Simon with a raised eyebrow.

«Yeah, sorry,» he says and looks down shyly for a second. «I wasn’t exactly planning on this. Advent calendar activity,» he explains to her with a shrug of his shoulders.

Linda smiles at him and pulls him into another hug. His mom’s hugs are always the best way to make him calm. «It’s okay, mi Amor. Gingerbreads are perfect,» she says as she pulls back and starts to boss everyone around.

Flour dusts the counter, the floor, even his hoodie has turned from purple to white. Linda smacks at Sara’s hand when she swears she’s only “testing the dough.” Wille laughs into the sleeve of his grey hoodie, his shoulders shaking, and Simon’s chest tightens by the sound. For a little while, with his kitchen loud and messy, it almost feels like everything is normal.

«Rough night?» Simon can overhear Sara asking Wille. They stand close together by the sink, speaking low, to make sure Linda doesn’t hear. Simon likes that his sister has taken Wille in like she has, it’s almost like he’s a part of the family.

Wille hesitates, like he debates what to tell her. «Yeah, guess you can call it that too,» he says eventually, almost sadden. Rough is an understatement Simon thinks.

Sara doesn’t say anything more, but Simon can feel her eyes on him. Like she studies him, trying to figure out what neither he nor Wille is telling her. Wille has barely spoken to him too. He chats away with Linda, telling her about his work, about Felice and everything else that’s happened in his life lately. Wille has always had a very good relationship with Linda. She’s been like the mom Wille never felt like he had.

«Wille, will you grab my rolling pin? It’s in the bag, I think I placed it by the couch,» Linda says before she goes back to kneading the dough. Wille does as he’s asked, and Simon can’t take it anymore.

So he follows Wille out to the living room. He watches as he digs through the bag for Linda’s request and when he stands up their eyes meet. It’s a weird tension building around them, something that Simon isn’t sure he’s felt around Wille before. He’s always felt safe, seen, known. But now everything feels uncertain, new, like he can’t read Wille at all.

«Are you really not going to talk to me?» Simon asks, he tries to hide the hurt in his voice. But he can see on Wille’s face now that he’s not succeeding.

«I don’t know what to say, Simon,» Wille answers, and anger builds in Simon’s chest.

He opens his mouth, ready to ask the safe thing – are we okay? – but the words never leaves his throat. They don’t taste right. Wille’s face is blank, like a locked door, and Simon can feel his pulse hammering. If he doesn’t ask the important question now, he’s not sure he’ll ever get to it.

So he swallows hard, forcing the lump in his throat down, before he takes one step closer to Wille, making sure they can speak quiet enough for just the two of them to hear «I just need to know if you trust me at all?» he asks, trying to suppress the anger. 

If Wille doesn’t feel like he can trust him, how can they even move forward? Wille’s expression softens a little, a flicker of something that looks like regret crosses his face. «Of course I trust you, Simon,» he says quietly. The words sound right, exactly what he wants to hear. But it’s like Wille’s eyes slip away, like it’s uncomfortable to look at Simon, and Simon’s chest tightens with doubt.

For a moment there’s just silence. Simon can hear Linda and Sara chat in the kitchen, his hand aches to reach out and take Wille’s shaky one. «Then why doesn’t it feel like it?» he asks without even thinking. Simon immediately closes his eyes in regret, this was not the way to go to try and make this better.

“What do you want me to say, Simon?” Wille inquires annoyed. Simon opens his eyes again to see Wille’s narrow eyes turning distant, like they lose their warmth. There’s a flicker of something that looks close to jealousy over his face and his lips turn into a pout. He crosses his arms over his chest, like he feels the need to protect himself. His mouth opens and closes a few times, trying to decide on what to say, but no sounds comes out.

«You could say you’re sorry,» Simon says. He regrets those words too when they're out. He wanted to have a calm conversation with Wille, not push him away further.

Wille’s eyes go wide and for a second he loses his composure, but before Simon has time to say anything more, he straightens his back, making himself look taller. «Sorry for what? Trying to help you not make the biggest mistake of your life?» he throws Simon’s way. His eyes shine with frustration, and he clenches the rolling pin in his hand so hard his knuckles turn white.

It’s like a punch to the gut, and for a minute Simon is sure he can see a mix of guilt and fear flicker over Wille’s face before it’s back to the neutral, blank canvas. Simon wants to beg, plead that they can just put this behind them. But he knows they have to have a conversation about this to make that happen. And now is not the time.

«Fine, let’s just bake and be done with this. Then you can leave,» he says and turns around to walk back to the kitchen before Wille has the time to say anything more. This didn’t help to make things better.

«What took you so long?» Sara asks. She looks up and meets Simon’s eyes and he can see the confusion build behind her eyes. She sends him a silent question if he’s okay. And he just shakes his head, hoping she’ll understand that now is not the time and place. She doesn’t say anything more, but she keeps a close distance to him, like she wants to protect him from whatever is bothering him.

The thing is, Simon doesn’t want her protection. He wants her to scream at Wille to help Simon make this right again. It hasn’t even been a whole day, and Simon already misses his best friend.

«Sorry,» Wille mutters and hands Linda the rolling pin. She’s either completely oblivious or chooses not to engage in whatever is going on, because she just smiles and starts to roll out the dough. Simon is pretty sure it’s the latter. Linda might’ve been oblivious to a lot of things, but the tension in Simon’s kitchen can practically be cut with a knife right now. She would be stupid for not noticing, and his mom is far from stupid.

For the next hour they all try to pretend everything is normal. Linda and Sara talk about all or nothing and Simon and Wille throws in a comment here and there. They make the gingerbread figures and place them in the oven. Simon glances quickly over at Wille, and catches him doing the same.

One time Wille even smiles when their eyes meet, and Simon's hope that this was definitely fixable is ignited again. All best friends fight, it was only a matter of time before it was their turn.

When Simon’s apartment smells like Christmas and his kitchen is cleaned up. Simon can feel his exhaustion creep up on him. He tries to suppress a yawn, but is clearly unsuccessful when he meets his mom’s eyes. She clears her throat, and claps her hands together. “Thank you for doing this, Simon. It was very nice,” she says and squeezes his shoulder before she turns to Wille. “It was nice seeing you again, Wille. Don’t be a stranger, okay? You know you can drop by anytime.”

Wille leans in to hug her and he closes his eyes. Simon is fully aware that Wille’s parents aren’t as caring as his mom. Hugs were never a big part of Wille’s childhood. When Wille had told him about it when they started to become friends, Simon had made it his lifelong mission to make sure Wille got a hug whenever he needed it.  

He wishes he could just hug their fight away. Was it even a fight? A disagreement? It doesn’t matter, he just wish they could hug and move on.

“Let’s go, Sara. I’ll drop you off at your apartment on my way home,” Linda says when Wille lets her go. Simon follows Linda and Sara out into the small entryway. His mom studies him for a second, places her hands on his shoulders, concern shining on her face.

It almost breaks him, almost. “Take care of yourself, Simon,” she says with a smile before she hugs him again. He melts into her hug and takes a deep breath. When she pulls back he sends her the most reassuring smile he can manage. He doesn’t want her to worry.

Sara steps up in front of him and leans in to hug him too. “Call me, okay? I want to know what’s going on here. You two aren’t like this,” she whispers. When she pulls back she sends him a look to show she’s not kidding about this. And Simon knows that if he doesn’t call her to tell everything, she’ll figure it out herself. Drag it out of Wille or even worse, talk to Felice.

“I will, tomorrow,” he assures her and she seems to trust him, because she waves a goodbye to Wille before she leaves and locks the door behind her.

Simon stands in the entryway, just staring at the now closed door. If he turns around, he has to face Wille, and he doesn’t know what to say. But he doesn’t get a chance to figure it out before Wille starts to speak.

“I’m, ehhh… I’m going to leave too,” he says and Simon can hear him walking towards him. Simon moves out of the way, and just watches Wille put his shoes and coat on. “It was nice seeing Linda and Sara again. It’s been a while,” he adds, but he doesn’t make a move to open the door.

Simon begs his brain to come up with the right words to say, something, anything. “Can we please talk about this, Wille?” he can hear his mouth say, and maybe it’s actually not the worst words to come out of his mouth. He feels defeated, exhausted. He doesn’t have the energy to fight him anymore.

Wille looks up at the ceiling and takes a breath before he meets Simon’s eyes. “Yeah, we should. I’m just… Can we do it tomorrow? I’m just not in the mood right now. I just want to sleep,” his voice is quiet, and he sounds like he wants to give up.

“Wille,” Simon tries for one last plea. He knows he sounds desperate, but he can’t help it. He’s terrified. “Just a few minutes?”

But Wille has already opened the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I promise, okay?” Wille says, a tiny smile on his lips. He walks out and closes the door behind him, leaving Simon alone in his apartment.

Simon blinks a few times, his eyes burn with unshed tears. Losing Marcus was easy compared to this. His gaze wanders towards the calendar. His feet move over to it, and his fingers brush over tomorrow’s door. For a split second he considers opening it, desperate for some kind of promise, hope. But this wasn’t just about him, not anymore. It was his and Wille’s tread now.

Up until now it had been the best gift he’s ever gotten. So thoughtful, caring. It had given him something to look forward to every day, taken his mind of Marcus. Could it still fix everything? Could it still heal him?

Simon isn’t sure what to think. He’s not sure what to feel. Should he still be mad? Should he be sorry? Sad? In the end, it doesn’t really matter. He just wants his best friend back, for everything to go back. Determination washes over him, he’ll fix this. Wille had promised he would call tomorrow, and Simon clings to the promise like it’s the last light in the room.

“Tomorrow, we'll fix this,” he whispers quietly to the room – or maybe just to make himself believe it.

Chapter Text

Wille

When Wille wakes the next day, he’s not sure if he ever fell asleep at all, and he’s inches away from calling in sick. He hates fighting with Simon. They’ve never had a big fight before, not like this. And it’s really getting to him.

Seeing Linda and Sara again last night had been really nice, he’s missed them. But feeling so far away from Simon, when he was right in front of him, put a stopper to his joy. He knows how much Simon loves Christmas cookies, so it had been one of the first activities he’d come up with. He hates that it turned out the way it did. He hates Marcus for… well, being Marcus. And he misses Simon more than ever before.

His jealousy got the best of him, and Simon’s pleas from last night still haunts him. He should’ve stayed, should’ve just fixed everything when Simon was right there. But no, he had to act pitiful just a little while longer, didn’t he?

Wille picks up his phone to check the time, he knows it has to be early. 05.37, 23 minutes until his alarm goes off. Simon is probably asleep, right? He usually doesn’t get into work until 10.00. But Wille is awake, and his heart is aching, so he sends Simon a text.

Wille: Are you asleep?

The answer comes almost before he has time to lock his phone again.

Simon: no

It’s short, simple. Unreadable. Wille can read the word, but it gives him absolutely no clue on what will meet him when hopefully Simon picks up on the other end. His heart is racing out of his chest, while he presses call on Simon’s number and waits for him to pick up. It takes longer than he expected, did that mean Simon hesitated about talking to him?

“Hello,” Simon’s voice comes through the speaker, and Wille lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Sorry, I left my phone in the bedroom and went to the kitchen to get a coffee. It’s going to be a long day,” he keeps rambling and Wille smiles to himself at how cute it is. God, he’s missed this.

“Hey,” Wille manages to say eventually, and he can almost see the shy smile that’s probably plastered on Simon’s lips. “Did you sleep okay?” he decides to ask, that sounds like a safe question to start with.

There’s a moment of silence and it’s like a part of yesterday’s tension is back even through the phone. Wille hates it. “No,” Simon says with a small voice. “I don’t think I slept at all to be honest. I feel shit.”

For some reason it feels surprisingly good to know he's not alone. “Me neither,” he says, and then he’s not sure what else to say. He’s not sure how long they just stay on the phone, listening to each other’s breathing without speaking.

“This is stupid, Simon,” Wille says suddenly, almost surprising himself. “I miss you,” he adds and it’s like a weight lifts from his shoulders. Saying those three words felt like the exact right thing to say. Hopefully Simon feels the same, or this can get awkward.

He can hear Simon exhale loudly on the other end before he speaks. “I miss you too. When are you done with work? I have a deadline on Friday, but I’m up anyway, so I can just get to the office early.”

“I can be done by 15.00, I think. Have you opened the calendar today?” Wille asks. It feels normal again, maybe not normal but less weird, less tense. It’s a start, a good start.

There’s some rustling and Simon cursing under his breath coming through the phone. “Are you okay?” Wille asks while he does his best to suppress a laugh.

“Yes, just hit my toe on the stupid bedframe,” Simon curses. “I’ll open the calendar now, so we can at least do it almost together.”

Wille can hear Simon moving around his apartment, and the tearing sound when he opens door #8. The rustling of paper and then Simon’s voice is back on the phone. “Today you can volunteer as one of Santa’s helpers. Go do something nice for someone else. Hopefully it’ll fuel your Christmas spirit,” he reads. This had been Felice’s idea; she’d done it a couple of times for her blog.

“Will you come with me? Maybe we can do dinner after?” Simon asks quietly, like he’s unsure if Wille wants to do this with him anymore.

A small knot forms in Wille’s chest at Simon’s vulnerability. “Of course I’m coming with you. I can pick you up at work? Do you think you’ll be ready by 15.20?” he says as he gets out of bed. He needs to get ready.

“Absolutely, I’ll see you later then?” Simon says and his vulnerability is switched out with happiness.

“Definitely! Bye, Simon,” Wille says and hangs up the phone. Maybe today would turn out better than he expected. He just has to get through this work day and then he can pick up Simon, they can do something nice for someone else and then have dinner. Talk – fix everything.

Suddenly Wille feels energetic. He jumps in the shower, gets dressed and is ready in his car way earlier than he needs to be. It gives him time to stop for coffee on the way too. He orders and oat milk latte for himself and a black coffee for Henry and drive off to work.

He parks his car in the company garage and heads upstairs. He knocks on Henry’s office and opens the door. Henry looks up and gives him a smile; they haven’t talked much since Saturday.

“Hey, Wille,” Henry says cheerfully, too cheerfully for a Monday. Wille holds out the coffee and Henry gives him a thankful look. “Thank you, this was exactly what I needed.”

“No problem, I had some extra time today. Ready for Monday orientation meeting?” Wille asks before taking a sip of his coffee.

Henry groans and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, totally ready,” he says sarcastically. But Wille knows they’re both ready. He actually likes his job. “But seriously man, how are you? How’s Simon? Saturday was rough,” Henry continues and points to the chair on the other side of his desk.

Wille checks his phone and realizes he actually has a few minutes before he has to pick up his things at his own office before the meeting. So he sits down and exhales sharply. “Saturday was…I don’t even know, man. It was not good. I was at Simon’s yesterday but we barely talked. I didn’t know what to say. But we’re meeting up later today, doing the volunteer Santa’s helpers thing downtown and dinner after. So I hope we both figure out what to say by then,” it feels good to say the words out loud. He’d talked to Felice yesterday morning, and she basically told him to rise above it and maybe apologize because even if he might not have been wrong, it wasn’t nice saying that to Simon. He knows she’s right, but it’s not easy to admit that apparently. “It was really bad, wasn’t it?”

Henry just looks at him for a minute, then he places his elbows on the desk and leans forward. “Wille, it was terrible. I understand your reaction, Marcus shouldn’t have done what he did, and Simon shouldn’t have let him. But you took your own jealousy out on him, when maybe he needed you to be there for him instead. Since you guys haven’t talked, I guess you don’t know that Simon never went back to Marcus. He danced by himself for a while, then Marcus came over and I asked if he wanted to leave. He said yes and I followed him back to your place.”

Simon didn’t go back to Marcus? He left when Marcus wanted to dance with him? A new feeling of happiness blooms in Wille’s chest. But it also makes him hate himself even more. He should’ve been the one to be there for Simon, to make sure he was okay, to help him instead of judge him.

“I didn’t know that,” Wille says quietly and looks down at his coffee cup. “I know I handled it badly. I’m going to fix it later. Thank you though, for going back in and doing what I should’ve done.” What could’ve happened if he’d actually been able to swallow his own jealousy and supported Simon instead. Could it have brought them even closer? Wille shakes his head, he’ll never know. It’s that easy, so he should focus on fixing it instead.

“Don’t worry about it. Simon’s my friend too,” Henry says and starts to gather up his papers and notepad. “We need to get to the meeting, there’s new interns coming in for orientation before they start in January. You know one of us will get that.”

Wille gets up too and tell Henry he’ll meet him at the meeting room, before he rushes to his office to pick up his notebook. He makes it to the meeting with a few minutes to spare and sits down in the seat Henry saved for him.

The meeting goes by in a blur, he can’t stop thinking about the fact that Simon never went back to Marcus on Saturday. Wille had definitely acted like an idiot. “Wilhelm?” a voice breaks through his thoughts and he looks up to see his boss, Mr. Johansson, trying to get his attention.

“Yes, Sir?” he says. He straightens his back and forces his brain to pay attention to the meeting.

“This is Elina, she’s the new intern, she’s here for the week to do orientation and get to know this place. I’m placing her with you, is that okay?” Mr. Johansson explains and looks expectantly at him.

Wille had expected this, Henry had the last intern, it was only right that he would have this one. “Absolutely, Sir. I’ll make sure she has everything she needs during this week,” he says with a smile. He looks at Elina and sends her a reassuring smile too.

The rest of the day blurs into orientation details, answering Elina’s questions, and trying not to notice how her smile lingers too long or how her eyes flicker towards his hands on occasion.

Wille sits and answers a few emails while Elina goes through some of his old meeting notes, when he realizes the time. “I’m sorry, Elina. I have plans I can’t miss, so I was planning on leaving at 15.00 today. Do you mind leaving early and stay late another day?” he asks, really hoping Elina isn’t one of the interns that need to do everything by the book.

She smiles and looks at him with an expression he can’t really read. “Sure, no problem, Wilhelm,” she says, her voice sweet like honey. “Looking forward to it.” She bats her eyelashes at him and it suddenly hits him that she might be flirting with him.

Wille is suddenly not completely sure how to act, so he decides the best thing right now is to just get out of there, and then talk to Henry in the morning. So he follows her out and just says an easy goodbye before he nearly runs to his car.

Wille: Omg, I have some shit to tell you, need your advice. Leaving work now, you ready in 20?

Simon: Can’t wait! Waiting in the lobby

20 minutes later Simon opens the door and sits down in the passenger seat. The weird tension from yesterday is gone, and Wille feel that they will actually be okay again. “I know we need to talk about stuff, but can we do this Santa’s helpers thing first and talk at dinner?” Simon asks right away. And it’s exactly what Wille wants.

“It’s like you read my mind,” he says with a smile, and Simon visibly relaxes into the car seat.

He takes Wille’s phone and puts on some music before he half turns towards Wille. “So tell me, what do I need to give you advice on?”

So Wille tells him about Elina. About how she sat very close to him at lunch, even when there was lots of space. How her voice was sweeter when she talked to him contra everyone else. The way she batted her eyelashes right before they left. “I just met her, Simon. What the fuck should I do?”

For a moment Simon is silent, then he bursts out laughing. Wille sends him a deadpanned look. “It’s not funny, Simon,” he almost whines.

“It is kind of funny,” Simon says after his laughing dies out. “I don’t know, Wille. I think you should just do exactly what you did today. At least if this is all she gives you. If she turns it up, you should tell her you’re not interested. Unless you are, of course.” The last words come out quickly.

Wille suddenly turns desperate, he doesn’t want Simon to think he wants anyone else. When the only person he wants sits in the car with him. “No, definitely not interested,” he exclaims, maybe too fast.

“Then just keep pretending you don’t see it. If it gets worse, then shut her down. But do it kindly,” Simon says with a smile before a comfortable silence falls over them.

Wille parks the car downtown and they walk over to Santa land. It’s a small drizzle of snow coming from the sky and Wille pulls his coat tighter around him. The park is filled with beautiful Christmas lights on every tree down the path. There are booths where you can buy hot chocolate, caramelized apples, gingerbreads and other Christmas goods.

Straight ahead, at the end of the path is the Santa house. Next to it is a booth with a sign with “Santa’s helpers” and a woman dressed like an elf stands behind a big table.

Wille and Simon walk over to her and she flashes them a polite smile. “Hi there,” she says with warmth, and it actually looks like she really likes her job. “Do you want to be Santa’s helpers today?”

“Yes, how does it work?” Simon asks as they walk closer and looks at the cards spread around her table.

“You can pick a card, and then you get the information to the person, group or place that needs the help. Usually it won’t take you more than about an hour,” the woman explains to them. “I’ll give you a minute to find the one you want.” She turns to go through a binder on the shelf behind her, leaving Wille and Simon to go through the cards.

They pick up a few cards and read them. Read a Christmas story at the community center, that could be a nice thing. The kids staying there don’t have much. Deliver a Christmas basket to a family in need. Definitely something that would feel really good doing.

“How are we supposed to pick? I want to do all of them?,” Wille says as he picks up another card. It feels impossible to choose just one. Then he can see Simon’s face light up out of the corner of his eye. He puts the card he just picked up down without reading it.

Simon turns to him and his eyes are shining. Wille already knows he’ll say yes before he knows what it is. Seeing Simon like this would make him do anything. “Can we do this one? Please?” Simon says and places the card between the palms of his hands like he’s praying.

“Sure,” Wille answers nonchalantly.

“You don’t even know what it is, Wille,” Simon says and almost rolls his eyes.

Wille smiles at him, it doesn’t matter to him, he just wants to spend time with Simon. It feels like normal again, and he wants it to stay like this. “It’s your thing you know, whatever you want I’m okay with.”

Simon opens his mouth and closes it again, like he was thinking about protesting but decided not to. Instead he gives Wille the card and studies him while he reads it. Hang out Christmas lights and outdoor decorations for an elderly couple. Wille smiles as he reads, of course Simon wanted to do something like this.

When Wille doesn’t say anything right away, Simon speaks. “I remember my abuela telling me once, that a young man in her neighborhood used to do this for all the elderly there. She preached him into the sky, they loved it so much. Said it saved Christmas for them, gave them a newfound Christmas spirit. I want to give someone that.”

Simon’s eyes shine like stars and he gets a dreamy look on his face. “Sounds perfect,” Wille says and Simon’s face splits into a huge grin.

“Have you decided?” the sweet woman asks when she turns back around to face them.

Simon hands her the card and let her know they have. She gives them the information they need and tells them a little bit about the couple. They apparently are an 80-year-old couple with no kids. Neither of them dares to climb up on a ladder to hang the lights and a few other decorations.

The drive to the neighborhood isn’t far and before they know it they knock on the door to a small, beautiful red house. An elderly man opens the door and looks confused, then recognition lights his face. “You must be the Santa helpers? My partner told me you were on your way,” he says and smiles.

“Yes, I’m Simon. This is Wille,” Simon says and places a hand on Wille’s arm as he presents him.

“Lovely to meet you, boys. I’m Robert. My partner, Elliot, is out back to find the lights. I should go help him,” Robert says before he starts to put his shoes on.

“I’ll go,” Wille is quick to say, and is already around the corner of the house before Robert has time to protest.

For the next hour they put up Robert and Elliot’s Christmas lights along the roof and around the door. They place a line of lights around two of the bushes in front of the house, Wille nearly tripping when he doesn’t see where he’s going and his foot gets stuck in the line. They work together, laugh and smile and everything feels good again. Like their fight never happened. But there’s still a small gnawing thought in the back of Wille’s brain that tells him it’s not completely back to normal, just because they’re doing something good for someone else.

When they are done Simon knocks lightly on the door again and both Robert and Elliot show up. “You want to see when we light it?” he offers with a smile. Robert and Elliot get dressed and stand out in the driveway together with Simon while Wille turns the electricity on.

The house lights up and Robert’s and Elliot’s faces light up with it. But Wille can only see Simon. He looks at the house, then at the elderly couple, his eyes are like stars and his whole body radiates warmth and joy. He looks so happy, and Wille will definitely thank Felice for this later. He could watch Simon like this forever. This might be his favorite activity up until now.

Then Simon looks over at him, and their eyes meet. Wille’s heart takes up speed, and he’s not sure if he manages to hide his admiration. Simon smiles at him, and Wille might actually melt right where he’s standing.

Robert and Elliot thank them for their help, and Simon asks if maybe they would want to take his phone number. They can call him and he’ll help them take it down again. The couple is over the moon happy at his offer.

Wille stands a little away, while Simon writes his number down on Robert’s phone. “You guys will last you know, I can see it,” Robert says and squeezes Simon’s shoulder. Wille’s heart does a backflip at the words, and when Simon doesn’t deny anything – only smiles at Robert – Wille is sure his heart is beating out of his chest.

The drive to the restaurant is basically Simon chatting away a monologue about how happy he is for doing this. And Wille being silent without being able to get Robert’s comment out of his mind.

They sit down at their assigned table and order something to drink. “Are you okay?” Simon asks next, he puts his menu down and just looks at Wille with a concerned look in his eyes. “You’ve been quiet ever since we left Robert and Elliot. I know we need to talk, but you’re acting weird?”

“No, no, I’m okay,” Wille says fast. “They seem really happy, it got to me. I hope I can be as happy as them one day.”

Simon studies him for another second before he decides to let it go. “They were really sweet. I will definitely do this Santa’s helpers thing again.”

The waiter comes back and they order their food. When the waiter leaves it’s like both of them know what needs to happen, but not how to start it. Simon looks down at the table, his fingers tangle with the hem of his sleeves. And Wille can’t take the tension anymore.

“Simon, I’m sorry. What I said on Saturday, it wasn’t….” he starts, but Simon shakes his head and breaks him off.

“No, I’m sorry, it…” he says, but Wille stops him.

“Please, just let me talk?” Wille asks softly, if he doesn’t say everything now, he’s not sure he ever will. Simon nods and closes his mouth. His eyes linger on Wille’s, and he struggles to think for a second 

Wille clears his throat, focus! “I never should’ve said what I said. It wasn’t right. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I only thought I was looking out for you. I decided that you didn’t want that without listening to what you actually said. I should’ve been there for you, not criticized you,” he starts. That was the easy part, the part he hated himself for. The part it was easy to apologize for. Now the hard part.

“But Simon,” he murmurs and reaches out for Simon’s hand. Simon takes it, and looks down at their joined hands. “It didn’t look like you were comfortable. I wanted to protect you, because you seemed uneasy. It doesn’t excuse what I said or did, but I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you.”

When Simon looks up at him his eyes are glassy, but he smiles. When Wille doesn’t say anything more he opens his mouth but closes it again. Simon takes a deep breath, and Wille squeezes his hand. He’s not sure if it is to reassure himself or Simon.

“I’m sorry too. I knew you only did it because of how he treated me. I understand your reaction. It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. But you’re right. I didn’t like it; he’s always acted like he owns me. Don't say I didn’t do anything wrong, I know I did. But I was drunk, and he smiled that sweet smile that always made my heart race. He's a narcissist, that's a very bad excuse, I know. And it just happened, I guess. I wasn’t planning on going home with him,” Simon keeps talking, but Wille is stuck on the line about Marcus’s smile making Simon’s heart race.

Would he ever be able to make Simon’s heart race? Could he ever be the one to hold Simon’s waist at a club, pulling him onto his lap and Simon would go willingly?

Wille forces his brain to focus back on Simon’s speech. “When you left and I went back inside, I almost turned around to run after you. I never went back to Marcus. I wanted you to be there with me, not him.”

Simon wanted him to be there! Him, Wille! Not Marcus. His heart skips a bit and he can’t help but smile. He can’t stop it. “I never should’ve left like that, it wasn’t right,” Wille says seriously. “I understand it can be easy to go back into old habits, when the person you still have feelings for is right there.” The words sting to say, and he can’t help but hope Simon will deny it.

The waiter comes with their food, and Wille starts tapping his fingers against his knee under the table – he needs Simon to say something, anything about what he just said. But for a moment it’s just silence, they eat and to Wille it’s some of the longest minutes of his life.

“I don’t have feelings for him anymore, not like I used to,” Simon says eventually without meeting Wille’s eyes. Simon either ignores or doesn’t see how every possible emotion flickers over Wille’s face in the matter of seconds, because he keeps on talking. “Is my heart still broken? Maybe a little. But he cheated, multiple times. I feel like it was easier to move on, because he couldn’t have loved me, so maybe I didn’t actually love him either? Does that even make sense?”

Wille takes a big bite of his food, just to give himself a few seconds to think of what to say. He swallows hard and takes a breath. “I’m happy you're able to move on, you deserve so much better. And I’m happy we got to talk about this. I don’t like fighting with you. I hated myself for what I said to you,” he says, and it’s like a cloud is lifted from his head, weight falls off his shoulders. He feels lighter, his brain less foggy. Like he can actually concentrate again.

Simon smiles at him and takes a sip from his Coke. “I hate fighting with you too. You’re my best friend, I will never picture my life without you in it.” Simon states before going back to eating his food.

‘Best friend’, that was it. Wille was his best friend. He can’t help how his stomach falls by the words, how he suddenly loses his appetite. Simon was still healing, still a bit broken. He needed time, and Wille could give him time. It wasn’t like he actually had any other choice.

The rest of the dinner feels just like old times. Laughter, bickering, talking. And when Wille stops outside Simon’s apartment he feels like whatever happens between them in the future, they will figure it out together. Always together.

“Today was fun,” Simon says, hand on the door handle, but he doesn’t make any move to actually open the door. “Doing that Santa’s helpers thing was perfect. I’m really happy that was in the calendar. It opened my eyes again to a part of what Christmas is about. Thank you, for coming with me. Wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Wille feels bold for some reason, so he leans closer to Simon and places a hand on his arm, strokes circles with his thumb. Simon doesn’t pull back, doesn’t flicker. He just smiles. “You don’t have to thank me, Simon. I want to come with you. It was so nice seeing them together, they looked so happy. Made me believe that love can last,” he says, almost whisper the last words.

“Robert was so sweet. He was convinced we were a couple, said he could see we would last,” Simon says almost dreamily.

“Did you tell him we weren’t?” Wille asks. He knows Simon didn’t, but maybe he will know why too.

Simon laughs before he meets Wille’s eyes. “He looked so happy, I didn’t want to ruin it for him. Also, everyone else is questioning if we’re a couple or not, didn’t think a stranger’s opinion mattered,” he says nonchalantly, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. It’s not, far from it actually. If Simon only knew what these words meant to Wille.

Simon opens the door and gets out. “See you tomorrow, Wille.” Then he closes the door and Wille is left alone in his car, staring after him as he walks into the building. Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow!

Chapter Text

Simon

When Simon opens the advent calendar on Tuesday and reads the note, he’s not completely sure what to make of it. Without even thinking about it he calls Wille, because what the hell is this thing? It takes a few beeps before he picks up.

“Hi,” Wille’s voice comes through the phone, sounding distant. Like Simon caught him being in the middle of something important.

“What the hell is an Ice Sculpture Art Exhibition?” He blurts out nonetheless even before he says hello, because apparently Simon can’t really read the room. Well, he’s pretty sure he knows what it is, but he had no clue they even had something like that here in Stockholm.

He can hear Wille excuse himself to someone on the other end, and he suddenly realizes Wille is probably at work. And probably has been for a while. It’s just him who can work from home and go into the office later, or never. “I’m sorry, Wille. You’re probably busy.”

“It’s fine, Simon. What are you talking about?” Wille says with a small laugh.

“Okay, I’ll be quick,” Simon says fast, before he picks up the note from the calendar and reads it. “Go to the Ice Sculpture Art Exhibition. Bring warm clothes. I didn’t even know we had something like this around here?”

He can hear papers rustling through the phone and a door open and close. “Well, I guess you’ll find out then?” Wille laughs.

“We’ll find out, it’s you and me. You know that!” Simon exclaims, Wille should know that by now.

A door opens and closes again, and Wille says something Simon can’t catch. “I’m really sorry, Simon. But I have to go. When is it? I have to work until 17.00, maybe 17.30 today?”

Well, Simon should probably work too, he has a deadline to make. “Yes, of course,” he says, trying his best to hide his unreasonable disappointment. “Since it’s a Tuesday and people actually work around here, I guess it’ll be open tonight. I can check it and text you?”

Simon has always been proud of Wille, he took all the difficult courses and Simon felt like he had it so easy in college. But he has to admit he feels a bit distanced from Wille’s corporate life. He sounds so important, having all this responsibility. It’s a big contrast to his own chaotic, journalist life. Maybe that’s why they make such good friends, because they complement each other somehow.

“Just open the next file, Elina,” Wille says with his work voice. Simon has never thought about it before now, that Wille uses a different voice at work. Or maybe it’s towards Simon it’s different? Warmer somehow.

Simon shakes his head, he’s being delusional. “Elina, huh?” he teases instead.

“Shut up, will you?” Wille states annoyed and Simon has to laugh. “Text me later, okay? I’ll see you tonight, Simon. Looking forward to it.” Then the line goes out and Simon just stares at his phone. Now he almost feels stupid for calling Wille without texting first and asking if he had time. But he was so curious about this Art Exhibition he’s never even heard of.

He’s a journalist. He does research for a living. Shouldn’t he know about stuff like this? Fair enough, he usually does music articles and pieces, but he’s definitely checking out what this Exhibition is. 

His phone flares up with a call from Ayub and he picks it up right away, happy to have an excuse not to work. He’s clearly not his boss’s favorite employer today.

“Hey,” he says cheerfully, while he puts the call on speaker and starts making a coffee.

“Hey, man. Are you busy?” Ayub asks, he sounds slightly breathless and Simon sharpens his attention.

“I should be, but no. I’m not. What’s up?” he replies and puts his coffee making on hold.

“Okay, so I’m supposed to do this DJ work on Thursday at the Winter Ceremony at Stockholm University. A guy from work was supposed to help out, but he just called and said he can’t. Do you mind?” Ayub speaks fast, like he has to get as many words out as fast as possible.

He’d done a few DJ gigs with Ayub back in college, it had been a nice way to get a little income back then. Ayub did most of the work, but he needed help with setups and rigging and Simon was usually happy to help.

Now he hesitates though, because what if it’ll crash with the advent calendar activity? The calendar shouldn’t stop him from doing other stuff, but it’s been such a huge part of his December up until now, he doesn’t want to miss it. Maybe he could sneak at it, find out if he could do both? It’s not like he’ll be punished for doing that or anything.

“Give me a second,” he says before he rushes over to the calendar and opens door #11. It might be considered cheating, but he really wants to help out Ayub. Have a photoshoot! Either take selfies or bring someone with you, explore new places.

Shit, can he make both? If he leaves work early he probably could. The Winter Ceremony usually starts later. “Yeah, I’ll help you out,” he decides. He can make both – do the photoshoot first and help Ayub after – it won’t be a problem. “When?”

Ayub exhales loudly, like Simon just saved his day. He probably did. “Thank you, Simon. It starts at 19.30, so we have to be there at 18.30? That okay?”

“I’ll be there,” Simon says with a smile before he hangs up. Now he should definitely get to work. Simon searches for the exhibition and finds out that it’s open until 22.00. That gives them plenty of time.

Simon: exhibition open until 22.00. Meet you there at 19.00?

Meeting at 19.00 would hopefully give Wille enough time to make it without stressing. He scrolls his phone for a few more minutes to read about the exhibition. Collaboration between China and Sweden has brought ice sculptures from China to show their talent. It’s held at an indoor ice rink downtown – because you can’t trust the Swedish winter to stay cold. Simon clicks on a couple pictures and he’s actually becoming excited about this.

The half-made coffee still waits for him on the counter, so he finishes it before he puts on some low music and opens his computer. He starts by reading through everything he’d done on Friday, realizing it wasn’t actually that bad. He hadn’t been able to do anything yesterday, being swamped with other tasks. Meaning he lost all day yesterday and he has to catch up.

But Simon’s mind drifts back to last night. It had reminded him that Christmas can be about so much more than just your own family and friends. It was helping others, giving back. Watching Robert and Elliot’s faces light up when they turned on the lights filled his whole body with warmth. It made him long for a love where someone looked at him the way they looked at each other.

Then his eyes had met Wille’s and for a second it was a flicker of something on Wille’s face that made Simon’s heart skip a beat. It was something in his eyes that had suddenly made him blush. It was gone just as quick, and now Simon wonders if he’d made it all up. The dinner had been emotional, but it had also felt good leaving it feeling like things were back to normal.

His phone vibrates on the table and he picks it up to see a text from Wille.

Wille: 19.00 sounds good. Sorry about brushing you off earlier, I’m just really swamped here.

He smiles to himself at Wille’s text. Of course he’d felt the need to apologize for being busy. Typical Wille. He sends a quick text back saying he didn’t need to be sorry, and he was looking forward to seeing him. Then he sends an email to his boss about working from home and puts an alarm on for 16.30 to make sure he has time to gather everything and send to Mrs. Eklund before 17.00. He locks his phone and places it face-down on the table. Out of sight out of mind, hopefully.

“Work,” he says out loud. Maybe saying the word out loud makes him actually do it.

A few hours later, Simon has to admit it didn’t. He’s written the rough first draft, but he should probably have done more progress than that. He actually hopes tomorrow’s advent activity is something that won’t take up too much time, because he should definitely be working. But that is tomorrow’s problem, and he has to focus on today, because he only has an hour and a half before he has to send everything to his boss.

At exactly 17.00, Simon closes his computer and curses under his breath about the sucky work day. It didn’t matter now, he had two hours before he was supposed to meet Wille, and he’s barely eaten today. So a shower and a meal sound like a good way to spend them.

Two hours later he stands outside the ice hall waiting for Wille. It has actually started to snow, and even though he’s not a big fan of the cold, he has to admit that it is nice to have snow in December. The white light up the darkness and makes everything a little less depressive.

Wille: Sorry, running late. I’ll be there in 20

Twenty minutes out in the snow, was not happening. He was happy it snowed, but it didn’t mean he wanted to stay outside and feel it. So he runs across the street and in to the café on the other side. He can stay here and get warm before he has to spend time in a freezing ice hall.

Simon scans the café quickly to see if he knows someone there – he doesn’t. So he sits down by the window and pulls out his phone. He scrolls mindlessly through it, and then the song he played for Wille two weeks ago shows up in front of his eyes. Wille had praised the song and told him he should send it to the artist. But then his brain had decided to forget about it. He had been busy getting over heartbreak and doing all the advent activities, so he can excuse his brain this one mistake.

But maybe he should just do it? What did he have to lose anyway? If the artist didn’t like it, he would just not use it. It’s as easy as that. Fuck it, he’ll just do it. And if, if he’s ever so lucky that this artist wants his song, he will most definitely rub that in Marcus’s stupid face.

He opens his email and finds the artist’s contact info. Puts in the manager’s email address and attaches the lyrics and Simon’s own small recording. He writes a short message telling who he is and that he had talked to the artist about it, then his finger hovers over the send button. If he does this, there’s no way back. It’s out there. His words, his voice. What if it’s not good enough? But then again, it’s not like Simon has to depend on someone recording the song.

So he presses send and his heart is racing a little faster. It’s scary, putting yourself out there like this, showing off a side of you that you haven’t before. But he also feels brave, and that’s not something he’s very used to feeling.

A smile forms on his lips and he looks up to see Wille walking towards the ice hall. Simon gets up from his chair and nearly runs out of the café, filled with some new energy.

“Wille,” he says loudly to get the other’s attention. Wille turns towards him with a smile. Simon runs over to him and stops right in front of him. Wille doesn’t say anything, just looks at him with a raised eyebrow and an expression that says “spill.” Like he knows Simon is almost bubbling over with excitement.

“I sent the song,” he declares and he watches as the wheels in Wille’s brain are catching up to what the hell he’s talking about. Then it visibly hits him, and Wille’s lips turn into a smile.

“What?” he exclaims, before Simon is suddenly lifted up in the air and spun around 360 degrees. He laughs and throws his arms around Wille’s neck to make sure he won’t fall, feeling a little embarrassed – it’s not this big of a deal. “That’s awesome Simon.” Then Wille lets him go quickly. A very visible pink color creeps up his cheeks, and Simon can’t help but wonder why. It’s not like it’s the first time they’ve hugged, or been excited about each other’s bravery and accomplishments.

Wille takes a step back, and looks around quickly. Simon’s small confusion takes a permanent place in his brain at Wille’s fast-paced emotions. He’s not sure what to do about it, but he decides not to dwell on it, it would take him too much time to go through it right now. “Yes, I was just scrolling while I waited for you, and just jumped on it,” Simon says instead, feeling a little shy. What is going on?

“I’m proud of you,” Wille states, before he looks up at the sign outside the hall. “So what is this thing?”

Simon takes a breath, and then he explains to Wille what he had read earlier. “That’s basically all I know, so I guess we have to just go in and see?” he ends his explanation and smiles. If he’s being honest he has absolutely no idea what they are about to walk in on.

Wille gives him an “after you” gesture and holds the door open letting Simon walk in first. The first thing that hits him the minute he walks through the door is that he definitely didn’t bring enough clothes. He suppresses a shiver and walks further in. He won’t admit that just yet. 

The second thing is a huge dragon made of ice and his mouth falls open. It looks exactly like those big Chinese dragons, formed with a snake-like body and four legs. It’s beautiful. “Wow,” he sighs.

He can feel Wille’s presence next to him, but Simon is mesmerized by the sculpture in front of him. The details are exquisite and he takes a few steps to be able to see the whole dragon.

“This is amazing,” Wille says quietly and Simon glances over at him. His eyes roam over the dragon before he meets Simon’s. Something switches in Wille’s eyes the minute their eyes meet, and Wille looks away quickly – suddenly very interested in another figure.

For a while they just walk around the hall and examine all the beautiful art. It’s another dragon further in the back, a couple of dolphins and something that looks like a teddybear. But it doesn’t take long before Simon barely feels his toes, and his hands feel like ice. He tries his best to suppress another shiver, but this time it’s inevitable. “Are you cold?” Wille asks, he tips his head to the side and raises an eyebrow.

“No, it’s fine,” Simon tries, but he knows he’s not succeeding, his teeth have started to clatter and he can’t even control the chills anymore. Wille just looks at him like he was expecting this. “Okay, yes. I’m freezing.” No need to try and hide it.

“You said bring warm clothes,” Wille says, and Simon is well aware of that. And he really thought he had. “You’re shivering, come here.” Wille unbuttons his coat and holds it open for Simon to step into it like a hug. It feels strangely intimate, but at this point Simon is too cold to care.

He slides his hands around Wille’s waist and let Wille pull his coat around him. He places his head on Wille’s shoulder and just takes in all the warmth he can manage. Wille’s sweater has risen a little at his back, and when Simon’s hands touch his skin he jumps a little backwards. “Fuck, Simon. Your hands are ice-cold,” he exclaims.

Simon mumbles a sorry and tries to take a step back, but Wille hasn’t let him go and he tightens his grip. “Next time it says bring warm clothes, do it,” Wille continues with a laugh and Simon hums a “fuck you” in return. But he’s more than thankful for the warmth Wille gives him.

For a minute they just stand like that, Simon soaking up the temperature and Wille holding him. This is what Wille does, takes care of other people. Always puts everyone else above himself. Simon admires that about him, how he can be so open hearted, make sure everyone else is okay before he takes care of himself. “We can leave. We’ve basically seen everything anyway,” Wille murmurs into his ear eventually.

“Yeah, I need a hot cocoa or something,” Simon says and untangles himself from Wille’s coat. He needs more than a hot cocoa, should probably have a hot bubble bath or something to defrost. But a hot drink would do for now.

They make their way outside and ducks into the café Simon was earlier. Wille orders two hot cocoa and protests when Simon tries to pay for it. The barista gives Wille the drinks and he turns around to hand one to Simon. “Come on, I’ll drive you home. I don’t want to be responsible for you freezing to death,” Wille jokes and Simon rolls his eyes at him.

“Thank you. I don’t think it’s that bad though,” he says when they walk outside again. He shivers as the cold hits him again and he hates his own body for reacting so visibly.

“Yeah, you’re right. I should just let you walk home,” Wille expresses, and Simon can see he’s really trying his best not to laugh. Simon shakes his head, Wille always taking responsibility so easy. He starts walking in the direction Wille came from earlier, this feels good, it feels normal. Like they are back to just being Simon and Wille.

They walk in silence, drinking their cocoa. This ice sculpture exhibition was not something Simon thought he would ever participate at. He appreciates it, because it was definitely worth it, but where would Wille even find out about this? If Wille was the one who gave him the calendar. It’s what he wants to believe, so he’s been able to place all the previous activities to Wille somehow. But this seems random.

“Did you know about this exhibition before today?” he decides to ask. Call it a test if you like, who can judge him for wanting to know who gave it to him?

Wille doesn’t answer right away, like he’s searching for the right words. It’s almost all the confirmation Simon needs. “No, never heard about it. It was nice though. These artists are brilliant,” Wille says, but Simon doesn’t quite believe him this time. He decides to not drag more out of Wille, he can probably use this to his advantage. It could be fun, to see Wille squirm under his questions about the activities. At least for now.

“They really are,” he decides to say and drinks the rest of his cocoa. This day has been a struggle, but spending time with Wille always makes him relax. He feels safe, knowing Wille is around.

When they reach Wille’s car, Simon almost jumps into the seat and puts the heat on max when Wille starts the car. “Come on, Simon. I don’t want to die of a heatstroke,” Wille complains and takes his coat off. He hands it to Simon like a question and he takes it and pulls it around himself. It smells like Wille, and Simon can feel how exhausted he actually is.

Simon puts on some slow music and sinks back into the car seat. He hums to the music and can see Wille glance over at him a couple of times out of the corner of his eye. It’s small details Simon’s never thought about before.

Wille pulls up outside Simon’s apartment building and turns towards him. “I’m sorry I had to work late today, it was just a lot,” he says and fiddles with the keychain on his car key.

“Hey,” Simon says and leans closer to place his hand on Wille’s. Wille’s hand is warm against his still slightly chilled one and there’s a quick electric spark when their hands touch. “You know you don’t have to be sorry for working. I probably need to work late tomorrow, so I actually hope it’s not a big activity.” Wille smiles at him, and suddenly Simon feels guilty.

He’s almost convinced Wille is the one who gave him the calendar by now, and now he feels bad for knowing Thursday’s activity already because of Ayub’s DJ gig. Should he just tell Wille? It somehow feels wrong not to. After last weekend, he decides to just put it out there. “Oh and by the way. Ayub asked me to help him out with a DJ gig on Thursday. I had to open the calendar to check before I said yes,” he laughs a small laugh, it almost feels pathetic to let a calendar control his life. He studies Wille’s expression for a second, but he just smiles, so Simon takes it as he’s not mad about it.

“Don’t tell me, I want it to be a surprise for Thursday,” Wille says, and just like that the small seed of doubt is planted in Simon’s brain again. “Is it for the Winter Ceremony?”

Simon’s mind is still occupied with planting the stupid doubt seed so it takes him a second to answer. “Yeah, I think it’ll be fun,” he manages to make his mouth say.

“I’m sure it will be. Text me tomorrow? I can’t park here for much longer,” Wille says and Simon suddenly realizes they’ve actually been sitting there for a while. Time isn’t something he thinks too much about when he’s with Wille.

“Sure, I will,” Simon opens the door and shivers right away. Wille laughs and Simon sends him a deadpanned look before he climbs out. “I’m going to take a stupidly hot shower, and forget about this crappy cold.”

“Goodbye, sunshine,” Wille says as he closes the door and Simon isn’t sure if it was meant sarcastically or not. He keeps thinking about it when he rides up the elevator, when he stands in the stupidly hot shower and when he climbs into bed.

Sunshine? Wille had never called him that before. The word keeps spinning around in his mind, keeping sleep at arm’s length. It’s just a word; it shouldn’t occupy all his brain capacity. He’s not sure if he wants to smile or hide under the covers, shielding himself from the word itself.

Maybe he should ask Wille about it? No, that would be strange, at least if Wille had just meant it sarcastically because of Simon’s complaining. That would mean he had to explain why he now uses hours of the night – where he should be sleeping – to dissect a stupid word. He could confide in Rosh or Ayub, or maybe his sister? Maybe that could bring him some clarity? No, then he had to explain why it would even matter.

Because why would it matter? They were best friends, always had been. His confusion from the hug earlier decides to shout at him that it’s still here too, had Wille’s blush come from the hug or just from the song? What about all the emotions that had flickered over Wille’s face for just a second? Simon hates his brain for doing this in the middle of the night. Maybe things between them had felt a little different lately? Wille blushing more, looking away when their eyes met, his outburst at the club? No, he’s just tired, he had to be; it’s his brain playing tricks on him.

Wille had definitely meant for it to be sarcastic. But what if he hadn’t?

Chapter Text

Wille

Sunshine? Really? The word had just slipped out. Simon had been so adorable, being annoyed by the cold looking all cute and beautiful, Wille’s mouth had apparently decided to say the word without permission. It wasn’t wrong, Simon definitely was his sunshine. But he shouldn’t have said it like that.

Because now he’s torn. Standing by his counter, drinking his morning coffee, trying to figure out if Simon would brush the word off as nothing or thinking Wille had said it with intentions. He’s not sure what he wants most. If Simon hadn’t even thought about it, he has to admit it would hurt a little. It would feel like a hard no to anything ever happening. But if Simon had thought about it, he would be embarrassed and would feel the need to say that he hadn’t meant anything by it. Which he totally had. It had felt so natural, almost too easy – and that scared him more than anything.

And this spiraling of thoughts actually didn’t matter, because he would probably never know if Simon had thought about it or not. Simon wouldn’t just spring that question on him, right? Because if he did, Wille isn’t sure if his brain would work well enough to come up with a good enough answer even if he practiced it a million times.

He's dreading going into work too, because then he has to sit through Elina’s looks, which has turned way too obvious. Henry had even asked him yesterday, right as Wille was rushing to meet Simon. So he’d said he would come in a little early and talk to Henry today. What would he even say? He should probably let Elina know he wasn’t interested right? Because it felt cruel to just ignore her at this point. He’s known her for two days, it would be nicer to let her know right away and not let her believe she might have a chance.

Wille lets out a long breath, before he drinks the rest of his coffee and forces himself to go out to his car. On his way out his eyes land on the unopened Christmas letter from his parents. It still lies on the counter in his entryway. He knows what is says, he also knows that it’s written by his mother’s assistant. So what’s the point in opening it?

The drive to the office goes by way to fast, and before he knows it he’s standing in the elevator with Henry’s expecting eyes in him. “I don’t know what to say to her, Henry. I’ve known her two days, but she looks at me like…I don’t know,” Wille says, leaning his head back against the elevator wall.

“Like you look at Simon?” Henry throws at him and Wille leans his head forward again and looks at him with huge eyes – how? What? Huh? That’s basically all his brain is able to think for a second. Wille opens his mouth, but no sounds come out. Was he being that obvious? Did Simon see it too?

“Relax, Wille. I don’t think Simon notices. But I have, the way you look at him when he’s not looking at you? Your eyes turn into hearts, and I’m not overreacting at all.” Henry’s eyes are kind and Wille forces his heart to beat a little bit slower. Henry isn’t judging him, or at least Wille thinks he’s not.

The elevator stops and they walk out, Henry leading the way to his office in silence. “Oh my God!” Wille bursts out the minute the door closes behind them. He leans back against the door and places his head in his hands, covering the blush he can feel warming up his whole face. “I don’t…I…There’s no getting out of this is it?” he stammers eventually.

He has no comeback, no lie, no way to explain this to Henry other than yeah, he’s 100% right. They hadn’t ever really talked about that Wille was in love with Simon. The only one who really knew, was Felice. But he had a hunch that Henry had his suspicions, especially after the little hiccup at the club last weekend. But that he’d been this obvious, he had no idea.

He looks up at Henry, who still hasn’t spoken. Now he shakes his head lightly, but he smiles and Wille can feel his lips turn into a small smile too. “You don’t have to talk about it. But if you need to, you know I’m here,” Henry says, before he walks around his desk and sits down. “And when it comes to Elina? Just tell her you’re not interested, man. She’ll be back in January, better to let her down now than to make it awkward then.”

Henry’s words make total sense. It’s the doing it part that’s hard. “Thank you, Henry. I’ll talk to her at lunch, I guess. I see you later,” Wille utters and opens the door. He just has to make sure she has enough to do until lunch, so they don’t have to talk too much.

“Oh, and Wille,” Henry exclaims right before he’s closed the door. Wille opens it again and peeks his head through. “I think you should go for it. With Simon I mean. It’s cute.” Wille hesitates by the door for a minute, not sure if he should say something to that or just walk away. When Henry starts to chuckle, he decides to flip him off lightly and walk out.

But he can’t hide the smile on his face the whole way to his office. He’s so lost in his own head that he doesn’t even see Elina standing right outside his door – two coffees to-go in her hands, and that overly sweet smile on her lips. “Hey Wilhelm,” she says, and Wille startles a little and looks up quickly.

“Hey,” he says short and takes the coffee she offers him. “Thank you,” he adds, because there’s no reason to not be polite to her. She’s a nice girl, hardworking intern, seems like a great person. She’s just not Simon, it’s not her fault.

He walks into his office and can feel her following him with her eyes before he can hear her footsteps coming into his office too. “Do you remember how to gather the key numbers for the monthly review, the way I showed you yesterday?” he asks, back against Elina.

“Yes, you’re a great mentor,” Elina answers. Her voice sounds like sugar in his ears, and Wille suddenly feels uncomfortable. He really hopes he’s in the right here. But what if he’s not, what if this is just who Elina is? Henry said that he hadn’t noticed her doing the same towards anyone else though, so maybe he should just say it now. Be done with it.

Wille takes a deep breath before he turns around to meet her. She smiles at him and her eyes doesn’t waver from his for a second. He clears his throat before he decides to just take a jump. “Elina, I’m sorry. I know we’ve only known each other a couple of days. But I’ve noticed your rather flirtatious behavior towards me – and others have noticed too.” This might be some of the most uncomfortable things he’s ever done.

Elina’s eyes stay locked on his, but her smile is gone. “I’m sorry,” she says, more serious now. “I don’t know what the policy is, about going out with coworkers, but…”

“I’m sorry,” Wille says and takes a step closer to her. “It’s just…I’m not interested. You’re a great girl, you’re amazing at what you do. You have an eye for details, and one day you can be a really good manager. So I would love to still be your mentor. But that’s all I’ll ever be.”

A slow, pink blush creeps up on Elina’s cheeks, and she breaks the eye contact. “I’m sorry, Wilhelm. I never meant to make you uncomfortable. You’re a great mentor, I really meant that. So if we can put it behind us, I would love to still be your intern,” she says, and her voice has somehow changed. It’s not the sweet, honey sound anymore. It’s business, the way she’s been talking to the other people at the office.

The knot in Wille’s stomach loosens, and he can feel himself relax again. This went way better than he expected. “Yes, that sounds good to me,” he says with a smile. Wille sits down by his desk and turns on his computer. “Okay, so those numbers. I would like you to gather the key numbers up until now for the December review, it’s in the file I just sent you. And we’ll look at it after lunch. If you have more time, we’ll go through organizing of the files and folders so it’ll be easier for you to navigate when you come back. Sounds good?”

Elina writes down what he says in her notebook and gives him a nod, before she walks to the door. “I’m really sorry, Wilhelm,” she says before she opens it and walks out. When she leaves, the air in his office feels lighter, like the temperature dropped five degrees. Like he can actually breathe again.

He has to admit, he handled that pretty well, if he can say so himself. He opens his emails and starts reading through them, before he starts to answer what needs answering. The rest of the workday goes by quickly. Suddenly he realizes he’s almost done, and he still hasn’t heard from Simon.

His “sunshine” comment from last night creeps up on him. What if that had made Simon uncomfortable? Did he feel he needed some space from Wille now, to try and figure out what he’d meant? But wouldn’t he say something, if he did? He thought they had realized that talking is better than shutting each other out?

Wille picks up his phone and opens Simon’s contact. Wille hadn’t called or texted either, he’d been busy, so maybe Simon just had been busy too. He’d said he was going to work late today, so Wille is probably overthinking this as he always does, and Simon has just been working.

Wille: hey! How’s work today? Did you open the calendar?

That sounds good, easy but also curious. He hates his overthinking brain sometimes. He places his phone on his desk and goes back to his computer. The screen is filled with finished documents and he saves them all, before he closes them. He sent Elina home an hour ago. She’d avoided his eyes ever since he’d talked to her earlier. It had felt a little awkward, but it had been the only way. Tomorrow would be better. Now he doesn’t have anything more to do today. At least not something that wouldn’t take him hours to finish.

Should he take a chance on Simon being home, buy takeout and drive over there? If he’s been working all day, he probably hasn’t eaten much, Wille knows him well enough to know that. But if he’s at the office, he could drive by there and give him the dinner. He decides to send a text to Rosh, maybe she knows where he is, they work together after all.

Wille: hey Rosh, do you know if Simon is still at the office?

Her response comes almost immediately.

Rosh: yeah, I left like 20 min ago, and he said he had about an hour left.

That gives him 40 minutes to buy the food and drive to Simon’s office, it would be a stretch, but Wille is nothing if not determined. So he shoots Rosh a quick thank you, gathers his stuff and nearly runs to his car. He’d spent all day pretending to be fine, all while thinking of Simon. Maybe that’s why he felt the need to drive here now, he wanted something real.

He parks the car outside Simon’s office building and walks over to the door. The lobby is dark and the door is closed. It’s not surprising since it’s after hours. Wille looks up the building to the windows he knows are Simon’s office, there’s a few lights that suddenly goes out so he decides to wait. Maybe it’s Simon leaving.

A few minutes later Simon walks out of the elevator, the light from his phonescreen shine on his face in the dark lobby. He looks up and when he sees Wille standing outside leaning against the car, his face turns into a huge smile. Wille gets a warm feeling in his stomach and he can’t help the smile that forms on his own lips too.

“What are you doing here, Wille?” Simon says the minute he opens the door. And it’s something about the way his name sounds on Simon’s lips. It’s like magic, no one can say his name the way Simon can. It stuns him every time.

Wille tears his eyes away from Simon’s lips and meets his eyes. “I hadn’t heard from you today, and you didn’t answer my text. So I wanted to make sure you had dinner. I know you can forget to eat when you work late,” he says, and he has to concentrate to keep his heart rate down when Simon looks at him like Wille is his favorite person in the world.

Simon walks over to him and leans up to give him a hug, it sends a chill down his spine. “Thank you,” he says with a sigh. “You didn’t have to, though. I was about to answer your text when I saw you here.”

They get in the car – which is filled with the delicious smell of Thai noodles and soya sauce – and Wille starts the engine. It’s almost ridiculous how much Simon can make him feel like home – even before he’s even said a word. “I did open the calendar this morning,” Simon continues. “I was going to text you, but then I had to run to the office and forgot about it. It’s been a long day, I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry, Simon. Your place, or somewhere else?” Wille asks. He didn’t want Simon to feel bad, that wasn’t the point. He just wanted to make sure Simon had eaten.

Simon sinks into the carseat and closes his eyes for a second. “My place. Todays activity is Writing a Wishlist for Santa, by the way,” Simon’s voice drifts off, and his breathing gets heavier. Wille smiles to himself. It feels amazing that Simon can be comfortable enough to just fall asleep in his car, trusting him to get him where he needs to be. It also makes him feel stupid for using this whole day to overthink everything. He was going to tell Simon about Elina too, but now he decides it can wait.

“Simon,” Wille says quietly when he’s parked by Simon’s apartment. Simon’s lips are slightly parted, and his chest keeps rising in even beats. He looks so peaceful, so beautiful. One of his curls has fallen almost into his eye, and Wille stops himself inches away from brushing it away. Instead he places his hand on Simon’s arm to wake him.

Simon stirs before he blinks a few times. Then he realizes where he is and sits up quickly. Wille chuckles and turns around to get the takeout from the backseat. “I’m sorry,” Simon says and rubs his eyes with the back of his hands.

“Don’t worry about it,” Wille answers him and holds up the takeout boxes. “Let’s go upstairs, eat and write the wishlist. Then you can take a shower and go to bed.” Simon smiles at him before he climbs out of the car.

They eat the food in silence. “Thank you for this, Wille,” Simon says when he’s done with his food. He leans back against the couch with a smile on his face. “It was absolutely perfect.”

Wille gathers up the empty food containers to clean it up and walks toward the kitchen. “You’re welcome. You want to write the wishlist? We don’t have to if you’re too tired.” He wonders how much sleep Simon even got last night if he’s this tired. Or how much he's even slept since the breakup in general.

“Yes, I want to. I can get paper and pens,” Simon says, and gets up from the couch with a sigh. Wille isn’t sure if he’s doing it because he really wants to or because he feels like he needs to. But hopefully it won’t take too much time anyway.

When Wille returns from the kitchen, Simon sits on the floor with papers and pens and colored markers scattered everywhere. Wille smiles to himself, Simon’s really taking this seriously. He stops for a second and just watches Simon draw small snowflakes on his paper and a big Santa hat.

“What are you looking at?” Simon says eventually without taking his eyes off what he’s doing. Wille shakes his head and mumbles a “nothing”, before he walks over and sits down next to Simon.

Simon hands him a paper and a pen before he goes back to his own wishlist. “I used to do this with Sara as a kid,” he says dreamily, a laugh escaping his throat as he thinks. He seems relaxed, almost nostalgic. Wille doesn’t say anything, he can’t remember a time where Christmas had sounded like that. Like happiness and joy and laughter. “Mom used to buy a bunch of stickers, glitter pens, colors and other craft stuff and we would scatter it all over the floor and make a wish list for Santa. The next day mom would take us to Santa land and we would post it in Santa’s mailbox.” Simon looks happy, the way he talks about his childhood. It makes Wille see everything he didn’t have.

Wille draws a Christmas tree on his own wish list; he’s not entirely sure what to write. If he could, he would write one thing. Simon. It’s all he wants for Christmas, nothing else would matter. “I never wrote a wish list as a kid,” he says instead of thinking more about what to write on his list. His gaze goes to the advent calendar – I never got one of those either, he thinks, but he shakes the thought out of his head as fast as it got in.

Simon looks up at him with a curious look in his eyes. “You never wrote a wish list for Santa?” he asks.

When Wille thinks back on his childhood it’s not exactly warm and cozy. It’s not bad, his parents were there, but they worked a lot. So traditions and family gatherings weren’t a big part of it. He had his brother, Erik, but he passed away while Wille was still very young, so he felt alone. “No, advent wasn’t any different than any other part of the year. My parents worked almost every day up until Christmas Eve, and after Erik passed away Christmas was just something we had to get through,” he says quietly.

Maybe things had been different if Erik hadn’t died. But Wille had decided a long time ago that he would never know that, so there was no point in dwelling on it. “I’m sorry, Wille,” Simon says and places his hand on Wille’s. Wille smiles as he looks at their hands. Simon’s hand is a little smaller than his, but they still fit perfectly together.

“Don’t worry about it. I get to do it with you, that’s better than I could ever imagine anyway,” Wille says, his heart skips a beat at the look Simon gives him, and Wille has to look away.

He can see Simon writing a few things on his list, and looks at it with satisfaction. Wille still hasn’t been able to write anything, he twists his brain for at least a couple of things to place there. In the end he comes up with a few books, and some new office supplies.

“I’m going to take a picture of this and send to Sara,” Simon says as he looks around the floor for his phone. He snaps a picture and writes something Wille can’t see. “This was fun, I haven’t done this in years.” He smiles at his own masterpiece before he starts to clean up everything.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Simon asks when everything is cleaned up. He sits down on the couch and turns on the TV even before Wille has the time to answer, like “no” weren’t even an option.

“You fell asleep in the car, Simon. Are you sure you shouldn’t go to bed?” Wille asks as he sits down next to him. He’s already pretty sure that they’re going to watch a movie anyway, when Simon sets his mind on something he usually gets his way. At least with Wille.

Simon keeps scrolling through the movies before he stops at Sinner. “It’s only 21.00, I can sleep in tomorrow, I don’t have to be at the office until 10.00,” he says while he turns towards Wille. “If you want to, of course.” Simon nods towards the TV and the movie he chose. And who is Wille to say no, ever?

“Sure, you know I can’t say no to this movie,” or to you, he thinks. Luckily enough, the words stay in his brain this time. He makes himself comfortable on Simon’s couch, and Simon presses play on the movie.

When Simon sits back and decides to sit so close there’s absolutely no air that can make its way between them, Wille knows he won’t have any working braincells to actually focus on the movie. He can feel the warmth from Simon’s body, and it makes the room feel 100 degrees warmer. His quiet, regular breathing, the involuntary twitch from his fingers that’s pressed between their thighs.

Wille barely dares to breathe, he’s not sure how his breath will come out. It can’t be a regular, normal breath if he’s going to judge by the way his heart beats faster than sound itself.

Halfway into the movie, or it could be 15 minutes or 3 hours, Wille has no idea. What he does know is that Simon has definitely fallen asleep. His head leans against Wille’s shoulder, he sunk into Wille’s side even closer when Wille placed his arm on top of the couch earlier and if Wille wants to, he can easily place it around Simon right now. And oh God, does he want to.

A few quiet snores leave Simon’s throat and Wille also knows he’s not going to wake him up. When the movie ends, Wille tries his best to get a hold of the TV remote and his phone without waking him up. He’s pretty proud of himself when he manages both, and Simon shifts even closer. He turns the TV off, and puts on an alarm on his phone, just in case he also falls asleep and needs to leave early in the morning.

Then he feels brave enough to place his arm around Simon, he’s asleep anyway. And if he wakes, Wille can blame it on falling asleep too. They’ve slept similar to this many times before, especially in college. But now it feels different. Simon must be in a deep sleep, or he would probably wake up because of how Wille’s heart is beating out of his chest.

Wille tries not to, he really does. But his braincells are failing him, so he leans down, lets Simon’s curls nearly touch his nose before he takes a deep breath, all the way down to his stomach. It makes him relax in an instant. The faint smell of coconut fills him and at this second it’s Wille’s favorite smell.

The room is completely silent, the only sound being Simon’s small snores and Wille’s beating heart. But Wille doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t even want to. He just wants to sit right here, feeling Simon next to him, pretending that his dreams have come true. He’s never been this close to getting what he wants – and never been more afraid to lose it.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been, but his eyes are starting to get heavy, and he might've dozed off. Then Simon stirs next to him and Wille’s eyes fly open again. “I fell asleep didn’t I?” Simon asks with a sleepy voice.

“Yes,” Wille mumbles quietly, afraid to disturb the little moment that’s going on.

Simon sits up and stretches his arms over his head. A sliver of skin on his stomach shows as his t-shirt rides up, and Wille has to force himself to look away. “I’m sorry. What time is it? You could’ve woken me,” Simon says while he reaches for his phone to check the time. Wille doesn’t say anything, he’s too occupied with coming up with an excuse for why he really doesn’t want to go home. “Oh shit, it’s almost 02.00. Wille, you should’ve woken me up.”

“It’s fine, Simon. You needed the sleep, and I fell asleep too,” it sounds like the easiest excuse. And he had drifted off for a little bit, so it’s technically not a lie.

“Thank you, for being my pillow. I sleep so much better when you’re around,” Simon says before he gets up from the couch and starts walking to the bathroom. Wille doesn’t move, he’s frozen on the couch. Simon sleeps better with him there. If only Simon knew what that meant to him. “Come on, Wille. Sleep here, you can’t drive home in the middle of the night,” Simon adds when he walks out of the bathroom again.

Wille’s legs move on their own. They walk him into the bathroom to brush his teeth – because they both keep a few toiletries at each other’s place, that’s totally normal, right? – before they walk him into Simon’s bedroom. Simon is already lying in bed, eyes almost closed. Wille undresses and lies down in his t-shirt and boxers. “Goodnight, Wille,” Simon says, already drifting away.

“Goodnight,” sunshine, he thinks before he finally drifts off too. Maybe sleeping with Simon around is better for him as well.

Chapter Text

Simon

When Simon wakes up, his bed is empty and his apartment is silent. He fumbles for his phone to check the time, 08.37. Had he even remembered to put on an alarm yesterday? Apparently not, or he would’ve been up already. Wille had probably left a couple of hours ago, since he had to go home and change before he went into work.

Simon can’t remember the last time he slept this well. Falling asleep next to Wille on the couch had been as easy as breathing. It was always easy being around Wille. If he needed to fuel his social battery, Wille would do that. That shouldn’t even make sense, that being social would fuel the battery that was drained because of being social. But that is just who Wille is. At least to him.

The smell of coffee hits him, and he hurries out of bed and into the kitchen to find a fresh pot of black on the counter. Next to it lies a piece of paper with Wille’s writing on it. Simon would recognize that writing anywhere. He smiles to himself while he pours some coffee into a cup and picks up the note.

Good morning. Had to leave early, but I opened the calendar, since you already know what it is. Looking forward to a photoshoot, call me during lunch and we’ll figure out where to meet. I’m going out with a few coworkers after, since you’re helping Ayub, so I can drop you off at the University on the way if you want. Have a good day.

The photoshoot. He’d almost forgotten about that. They had done it a few times. Not just Simon and Wille, but all their friends. Just found a place somewhere and taken a bunch of pictures together. The pictures were some of Simon’s favorites, always filled with laughter, happiness, friendship. If he had time, he would've gathered everyone and done a Christmas photoshoot today, but he and Wille will be more than enough too.

His phone vibrates and shakes him out of his stroll down memory lane.

Ayub: just making sure you’re still up for tonight?

Simon: ofc, man. Wille will drop me off at the University at 18.30.

Now he should get ready, he has a deadline due tomorrow and not enough time to make it. He jumps in the shower and his mind starts to wander again. Wille was going out with coworkers later, did that mean Elina too? He hadn’t talked about her since Monday. Did it mean that she’d stopped her flirting or did it mean she’d upped her game and Wille had thought it was interesting after all? But he would’ve said something if he was thinking about pursuing things with her, right? And why would it even matter to Simon in the first place? Wille was free to date whoever he wanted. He was single, attractive, kind, caring, handsome, of course Elina liked him.

Simon shakes his head, like he’s trying to throw the thoughts out of his mind. He should be happy for his best friend if it was the case, nothing else. So instead he gets ready for work and takes the short way to the subway. The freezing cold wind blows around him as he walks, and he’s thankful the minute he steps into the station. He stops at the café to buy lunch so he doesn’t have to go out later, and heads for the office.

Before lunch Simon manages to be nearly finished with his article, which means he can most likely leave early today. It had just been three, maybe four, times where he had read the same sentence three times because his mind was playing Wille’s smile over and over in his head. Why his brain needed to play Wille’s smile on repeat, he doesn’t know. He picks up his lunch and takes a bite as he calls Wille. He picks up almost immediately.

“Hey,” Wille says cheerfully and Simon can feel himself smile at his phone.

“Hey, do you have time?” he asks, because he never knows if Wille works through lunch or not. But then again, Wille was the one who said he should call. And why is Simon suddenly overthinking everything?

“Yes, just having lunch at my office today with Elina. It’s her last day tomorrow so we wanted to make sure she was ready for January,” Wille answers, and Simon feels something shift in his chest. He’s not sure what it is, he’s not even sure if he’s felt it before. It’s like a sting, or like his chest is tightening. He starts to tap his pen hard against his desk absentmindedly, a weird fog forms in his brain.

“Simon, are you there?” Wille’s voice breaks through his little mental breakdown. How long had he been quiet?

He clears his throat, his lunch forgotten by now. “Ehh, yeah…Sorry, just something happened here,” that’s the stupidest lie he could’ve come up with. There’s hundreds of questions about Elina sitting on his tongue, but he’s not sure if Wille has him on speaker or not, and asking is not something he’s going to do. It’ll have to wait. “So where are we meeting up later?” he asks instead. Better to stay on the safe side for now, he decides.

There’s some mumbling on the line that he can’t make out – so he’s probably not on speaker then – before Wille’s voice is back. “Maybe we should go to those woods we went to when we had that last one in the spring? When everyone was there? There’s some nice places there.”

Simon remembers the woods. It was this huge field, which was covered in small flowers in the spring. It smelled amazing and it looked so beautiful. It’s probably not as nice in the winter, but it would be perfect anyway. “Yeah, that sounds great,” he says.

“I can hopefully be out of the office early, but I need to go home and shower. I can pick you up at 16.00? That gives us a couple of…” Wille starts before his voice trails off. Simon can hear Elina – at least he guesses it’s her since it’s a female voice – ask when they’re meeting up later and Wille say he’ll pick her up at 18.45. That same sting from a few minutes ago hits him again and his hands suddenly feel very clammy. He shakes it off. It’s nothing.

“Sorry. So if I pick you up at 16.00 we have a couple of hours. Sounds good?” Wille asks when he’s back on the phone.

“Sure,” Simon croaks out, he’s not sure why his voice suddenly sounds distant, like it’s not his own voice. “I’ll see you at 16.00.” He hangs up the phone and just stares out into nothing for God knows how long.

What was this feeling? Was he…jealous? Of Elina? Someone Wille had said he didn’t even like. And why would he even be jealous? They were friends, nothing more. And he was the one who was brushing off Wille first, by helping out Ayub. So why does it feel like Wille stands him up. Was he seriously this sleep deprived after countless nights without sleep after the breakup that he was starting to get delusional? No, he would have to come back and address this – probably – none-issue later. Because now he has an article to finish and be on his way home in a few hours. He can do this, it wasn’t a problem.

Turns out it was a problem. Because even when he’s stretched his time to the maximum he’s still not completely done. Deadline is tomorrow at 15.00, he would make it. But it would’ve been better to use tomorrow to just read through it and do last minute changes instead. There’s no more time to dwell on anything because Wille will be at his apartment in little over an hour, and he has to make the subway, change and eat something.

Simon rushes through the door at his apartment with 30 minutes to spare, because of course the subway had to be delayed today, because everything can’t just go smooth when he needs it to. His stomach growls so he decides to eat something quick, like noodles, which is basically the only quick thing he has anyway.

Now, change. He nearly runs around his apartment, clothes taken off here and there and when Wille walks through the door Simon stops dead in the living room, realizing he’s still in his boxers. Wille stops right inside the door too, he doesn’t say anything, but his eyes roam quickly over Simon’s body before he looks away. Simon suddenly feels very exposed, and mumbles “I’m almost done,” before he runs into his bedroom.

His brain is working overtime and he has to sit down on the bed. He’s slept next to Wille in his boxers before. They lived together in college. Fuck it, they’ve showered in the same shared bathroom in college too. Why does it suddenly feel so intimate? He doesn’t have time to try and wrap his brain around everything right now, so he’s going to pretend everything is like it always is. That shouldn’t be hard. But then again, everything else he thought wouldn’t be hard, has been today, so who knows.

A few minutes later, Simon takes a deep breath before he walks out of his bedroom again. Wille sits on the couch, smiling at something on his phone. “What are you looking at?” Simon asks casually as he walks out and picks up his phone and the other stuff he needs to bring to the gig later.

Wille looks up and meets his eyes. “Oh, nothing, just Samuel who asked when I was picking him up. I’m the designated driver tonight,” Wille says with a laugh, a small crinkle forms at the side of his eyes when he laughs, it’s adorable.

“You’re popular at work, aren’t you?” Simon says absentmindedly. Then it hits him what he’d just said and he has no idea why he felt the need to point something like that out. Wille’s smile from before has turned into curiosity, like he has no idea where Simon’s comment is coming from.

It takes a minute for Wille to answer. “What?” he squeaks out, looking more confused than ever.

“Elina? Samuel?” Simon can hear himself say, and he needs his mouth to stop talking without permission. He doesn’t mean to say the words, they just slip out, like his mouth forgot they were supposed to be thoughts. His thoughts should stay inside his head, there’s a reason for why it’s called thoughts.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Simon. But Samuel is married, and I told Elina yesterday that I wasn’t interested. She’s my intern, nothing else. I’m just picking them up so they can have a drink,” Wille’s voice has grown agitated and Simon hates himself. This wasn’t how this day were supposed to go. It’s been a sucky day.

But he can also feel some kind of relief wash over him when Wille says he’d told Elina he wasn’t interested. His chest feels lighter and tight at the same time. Because Wille shouldn’t have felt the need to explain this to him, it's none of his business.

He needs his brain to take control again, because his mouth can’t be trusted on its own. “I’m sorry, Wille,” he says before he forces his eyes to meet Wille’s. They look hurt, and Simon just wants to go back in time and start this all over again. “I don’t know where all that came from. It was stupid. Can we just forget about it?”

Wille gets off the couch and walks into the entryway to put his shoes back on. “It’s fine, Simon. Shall we take some pictures?” he says, and the smile is back on his face. Simon can see it’s not completely genuine, but it’ll do for now. He throws his backpack over his shoulder and sends Wille a smile too; hopefully this photoshoot can lighten the mood.

Wille parks on the parking lot and they get out. It has started to get dark, it’s December after all, so they decide to not go all the way into the field. “Maybe we should just stay by the car? We can use the headlights?” Simon asks, he can hear his voice being a little wavering.

But then Wille smiles at him, and this time it’s warm and genuine. Simon feels like he can relax again, like he can breathe. “Yeah, that’s actually smart,” he says and puts the headlights back on. It lights up the empty parking lot and acts like the perfect blitz.

They put Simon’s phone up against a tree and for the next hour laughter fills the parking lot. Everything is normal, easy. Simon jumps up on Wille’s back, wraps his legs around his waist and Wille holds on to his thighs while he spins around. He jumps down when Wille starts to stumble and it makes him laugh even harder.

Wille jumps up on a log and Simon takes a few pictures of just him, before Wille does the same as he pretends to be a model. Walking towards the car where Wille leans against the hood, swaying his hips like he’s on the runway. Wille’s smile is so big it almost splits his face in two, and it makes Simon up his performance even more.

Seeing Wille happy like this means so much to him. That they feel this comfortable in each other’s company that they can be vulnerable, goofy, happy – it’s the best feeling in the world. Wille puts the phone against the tree again, before he picks Simon up, an arm under his knees and another on his back. Simon throws his arms around Wille’s neck and leans his head back with a laugh.

When he rises his head back up again – he’s suddenly so close to Wille’s face he can feel the other’s warm breath on his cold cheeks. He can sense Wille’s breath catch by the way it hits his face. His own heart takes up speed and he suddenly forgets that he was cold. He’s not anymore. Or at least he can’t feel it.

Time stops and Simon has no idea what’s happening. He’s not sure if he’s ever felt something like this before, like he’s being pulled towards Wille like a force. It seems too intimate, too close. Then why does it also feel so…right?

Simon clears his throat, before he jumps down from Wille’s arms. He’s not ready – not ready to figure out what’s happening to him. Wille turns around quickly and is suddenly very interested in the car. “I’ll start the engine so we can warm up,” he mumbles before he opens the door and gets in.

The car roams to life and Simon walks over to the tree and picks up his phone. He’s not sure how to act, what was that moment? Can he call it a moment? And why had it happen? Wille sits in the car, just staring out the window at nothing. A shiver goes through Simon and he decides that he has to get into the car as well.

He opens the door slowly and gets in. He can hear Wille take a sharp breath before he opens his mouth to speak. “Let’s look at the pictures,” he says with a smile and whatever tension that was building before is gone, or at least they are both pretending it is. Simon puts on a smile too and opens his gallery. He leans in close enough for their shoulders to touch and places the phone between them.

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Wille says with a laugh, as he stops on a picture where they hold hands and leans back, spinning around. They are both laughing with their eyes closed and it looks like they’re having the time of their lives.

“We should frame that,” Simon says and Wille hums in agreement. They slide through the rest of the at least 50 pictures, laughing at how silly they are.

“We should head back,” Wille says softly when they've gone through all the pictures. This day has gone by slowly, but these two hours has flown by. “I’ll drop you off at the University.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Simon utters and reach for Wille’s phone to put on some music. The ride back to the city goes faster than he thought. They sing and talk like they always do, and by the minute Wille stops outside the University Simon has almost forgotten about whatever went on earlier. “This was fun,” he says as he fishes his backpack out from the backseat and flashes Wille another smile.

“It was, we should get everyone together and do this again soon,” Wille answers and it’s like he’s read Simon’s mind from before. “I can text you when we’re leaving the pub later. If you’re almost done too, I can drive you home if you want?”

It would be nice to not have to take the subway home later. It’s cold and it’s supposed to snow tonight, so a warm car would definitely be better. “Yeah, that would be great. I’ll talk to you later,” he says and opens the door and walks out.

He watches Wille drive away before he walks into the University to find Ayub. He finds him in the great hall, standing at the stage talking to someone who looks like a professor. When Ayub spots him he waves and smiles, and Simon walks over to them.

Ayub says bye to the professor and turns towards Simon. “Hey, man. Thank you for helping out.” Simon starts working in silence, and when he has nothing special to occupy his brain with it starts to wander again. Why has he suddenly noticed things about Wille he hasn’t before? Why had his breath on his face earlier felt so right? Wille picking him up like nothing had felt so safe. He trusts Wille with his life, always have. But now it feels different. He can’t completely place it.

“Simon!!” Ayub says, and breaks through his spiraling. “What’s going on? You seem distant. I’ve tried talking to you for like five minutes.”

Simon looks up at him, almost confused. “Sorry. It’s nothing. What is it?” he mumbles, but he doesn’t even believe his own lie.

Ayub hands him some cables and tells him to attach them. “You can’t lie your way out of this, I can see that something is bothering you,” he continues before he starts to fix something behind the mixing table. Ayub is clearly not buying it either.

Simon sighs, how can he tell Ayub about this when he doesn’t even know what it is himself? He doesn’t know how to explain it in his own head, there’s no way he can explain it to Ayub. “I don’t know, Ayub,” he starts and he can feel Ayub watching him. He doesn’t say anything so Simon takes it as a sign that he should say something else. “It’s Wille.”

A loud noise from the other side of the hall startles him and he looks up to see someone just lost a box to the floor. More people rush over to see, so he goes back to do what he was doing. “What about Wille?” Ayub asks. He’s walked out from the mixing board and stands right in front of him.

“I don’t even know. Things has just been…weird, different. He’s been blushing, looking away when our eyes meet, earlier he could barely look at me because he walked in and I was standing in my boxers. It’s not the first time he’s seen me in my underwear? And…” his voice trails off. How is he going to tell Ayub that he suddenly felt jealous because of some intern Wille just met and even said he wasn’t interested in? He wishes he had any other way to explain it.

Ayub places a hand on his shoulder. “Simme, you two have always been close. Way closer than any other best friends I know. It has always looked like the lines has been blurred, but it’s been working for you. Then Marcus came and things changed. I think Wille felt like he had to hold back, restrain himself. Maybe it just feels a little strange right now because things are more back to how it was before Marcus?” Ayub’s words make sense. Maybe it just is that easy? That their friendship has been on a hold while he was with Marcus, and now it’s back to normal again? “Or, maybe he wants more than just friendship.”

“It’s not like that. Wille is just – Wille,” Simon retorts quickly, maybe a little too fast.

“Maybe you both do?” Ayub throws back at him.

Maybe you both do. What was that supposed to mean? Simon is fully aware that people have questioned their relationship on more than one occasion. They’ve always been close, he knows that. But it has also felt right, like they had this unspoken agreement on how it should be. Had something changed after Marcus? Wille’s lingering looks, his blushing, the way he breaks eye contact – could it be because he wanted more than friendship? His own newfound jealousy – did he see Wille differently?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can we just finish this?” Simon says eventually. He’s not ready to talk about it, he’s not even ready to really think about it. Ayub seems to let it go, because he goes back to testing that everything works before the Ceremony starts.

The next few hours go by slower than Simon could imagine. There’s basically nothing for him to do, other than hand Ayub something here and there. Don’t even ask him what it is, he might’ve taken a few music classes in college, and he might be able to sing okay, but when it comes to DJ-ing he’s as green as the next person.

Wille: you done soon? We’re leaving the pub in 10 minutes, I'm driving Samuel and Henry home first, but I can be at the University in 30 minutes?

“Hey, Ayub?” he shouts over the music, there’s not that many people left, and the staff has started to clean up. Ayub looks at him and takes his headphones off. “Do you think we’ll be done in 30?”

Ayub scans the hall before he looks back at Simon. “Yeah. We can probably start to take things down soon, let me check,” he says before he puts his headphones down and walks over to the professor he talked to earlier. When he comes back he gives him a knowing nod. “It’s fine, he was going to ask us to stop now anyway. Shouldn’t take that long to take it down.”

Simon: yeah, 30 sounds good

He helps Ayub take everything down and 30 minutes later he’s on his way out of the University carrying the last of Ayub’s stuff into his car. He can see Wille’s car parked down the road, but it’s too dark to look inside it. “Thanks for the help, Simon. I appreciate it! I’ll buy you dinner or something,” Ayub says as he closes his car and walks over to the driver side.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m happy to help,” Simon states, and it’s the truth. He does like helping his friends out, it makes him feel good. He says goodbye and starts to walk toward Wille’s car.

“And, Simon,” Ayub shouts after him, making him stop and turn around. “Just let things play out with Wille. If something happens, it happens.” Ayub winks at him and Simon can feel himself blushing. It’s not like he has any other options. He’s not going to shut Wille out of his life, so whatever happens, would happen.

He walks over to Wille’s car, a smile spreading on his lips as he gets closer. But when he’s close enough to see through the window, his smile is gone in a second. Wille isn’t alone. He talks to someone in the passenger seat, someone Simon is 90% sure is Elina. He can’t see her too clearly, the small light inside the car doesn’t give him much. But she’s blonde and beautiful, and she sits in his seat.

Technically it’s not his seat, it’s Wille’s car. But he always sits there. When Wille looks up and sees him he waves and smiles at him. Simon tries for a smile, just hoping he’s succeeding. Elina looks up too and when she spots who Wille looks at, she opens the door and starts to get out. “Simon, right?” she asks with a smile.

“Yes?” he answers, a little unsure on whatever is going on here.

“I’m Elina, Wilhelm’s intern,” she says and reaches out a hand to him. Simon shakes it, and then she opens the backdoor and gets in. Wilhelm? So, Wille hadn’t given her the name he gave to all his friends, and he’d asked her to move out of the way so Simon could sit in the front? A warm feeling spreads in his stomach, and up to his chest, making his heart beat a little faster. Wille never made him feel like an afterthought.

He gets into the car and puts his seatbelt on, before he looks at Wille and sends him a look to ask what’s going on without saying it. “Elina doesn’t live that far from you, was easier to pick you up and drive her home after,” Wille says and Simon is grateful that his silent communication worked. “How did the gig go?” Wille adds, as he drives towards where Elina lives.

Simon opens his mouth to answer. But he never gets that far before Elina interrupts him. “Are you a musician?”

“Ehh, no. I was just helping out a friend. But it went fine,” he says and looks straight out the window.

“You are a musician though,” Wille states when he realizes Simon isn’t going to say anything more. Simon looks at him and opens his mouth to protest, but he never gets the chance. “Simon is an amazing singer, you should’ve heard him back in college. Or when he sings karaoke. If he wanted to, he could definitely be an artist.” Wille speaks mostly to Elina, but he looks over at Simon and smiles when he says the last words. A warmth creeps up his neck and he fights the urge to punch Wille for praising him. It’s not safe to start punching the driver.

Elina leans a little closer between the front seats. “Wow, that’s so cool. I would love to hear it sometime,” she says before she leans back into the car seat again. Of course she had to be nice too, she just had to be perfect didn’t she?

For the rest of the drive they talk about just small stuff, basically just to let the conversation flow. Then Wille parks outside a building a few blocks down from Simon’s. “It was nice meeting you, Simon. Wilhelm talks about you all the time,” she says with a small roll of her eyes.

“Bye, Elina,” Wille pronounces very clearly, and Simon hides a laugh. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She says goodbye before she almost jumps out of the car and runs inside the building. A quiet mood falls over the car as Wille drives away. Comfortable. Safe.

“She seems nice,” Simon says eventually.

“Yeah, she is. She’ll do great when she comes back in January,” Wille states, eyes locked on the road.

“I bet she will, especially since she has you as a mentor,” Simon says and glances over at Wille. He doesn’t say anything, just smiles. Wille parks outside Simon’s apartment building only a few minutes later. “Thank you, for picking me up.”

“It was nothing,” Wille answers, but it’s not nothing. It’s the way Wille always takes care of him, making sure he gets home safely. “Bye, Simon.”

“Bye,” he gets out of the car and watches Wille drive away. This is what friends do – drive each other home, make sure the other eats, leave coffee in the morning. It’s normal, it’s fine.

No sunshine today though, Simon almost misses it. Maybe one day he’ll hear it again.

Chapter Text

Wille

Wille is not looking forward to today’s activity, not really. He bought the tickets months ago as a Christmas present for Simon, but when he decided to make this calendar, it fit perfectly. He’s not even a fan of this artist, but Simon really likes him, and he just wants Simon to be happy. But out of all artists Simon could like, it had to be Bad Bunny. And now, he must come up with another Christmas present. 

He is, however, looking forward to spending time with Simon. They’ve always spent a lot of time together, but seeing him every single day has been different, and not something he’ll complain about. So, when his phone flares up with a call from Simon, he already knows what he’ll say.  

“Wiiilllleeee!” Simon’s voice comes out loud through his phone, and he must take it away from his ear. Wille might’ve waited for this day a little, just a teeny tiny bit. He can’t help but laugh. It might give him away, might make Simon sure the calendar is from him, but hearing him so happy makes him not care anymore.  

“What’s happening, Simon?” he says, trying to sound as oblivious to what’s going on as possible.  

But Simon seems too occupied with being happy to notice. “Bad Bunny! We’re seeing Bad Bunny tonight. Oh my God, I can’t believe you did this!” 

Simon’s comment hits him harder than he expected. Can’t believe you did this. It was a statement, not a question. Wille could deny it, but what was the point anymore? A part of him wanted Simon to know it was him. For Simon to know that Wille was the one who knew him the best.  

“I guess we are. It’ll be fun,” Wille says, trying his best to match Simon’s enthusiasm. “You’re up early, by the way?” It is early, at least early for Simon.  

“Well, yeah, I have a deadline. But hey, we’re seeing Bad Bunny tonight!” Wille can almost picture Simon jump around his apartment. “I have to go, but Wille. I know you’re not into his music, but thank you for coming with me, and for planning everything. It means the world to me.” 

Wille smiles to himself, he won’t deny being the one to make the calendar, but he won’t confirm it either. “I have to go too, having breakfast with Felice. But of course I’m coming with you. It’s you and me, right?” The minute the last words are out, he wonders if he took it too far this time. Simon had said something similar just a few days ago but saying it like this made it sound more intimate than he planned on. 

“Always. I’ll text you later,” Simon says before the line goes out. Always. An aching feeling blooms in his chest. It would always be the two of them, but what if one day, he couldn’t hide it anymore? What if his feelings would spill over and Simon wouldn’t be there to catch them? Would he lose him? Or would they still be able to be the two of them? 

Wille shakes his head. He’s already late to meet Felice, he would address this again later. So he runs out the door and drives the small drive to the café. He’d emailed Elina yesterday, telling her what to do this morning before he came in. It was a way to see how much she’d learned this week, if she was ready for January. Which Wille was pretty sure she was, but it would be nice to get it confirmed.  

It had snowed during the night, so he’s happy he doesn’t have to drive too far on the slippery roads. The bell over the café door chimes as he opens it and Felice looks up from her phone when she hears it. She waves at him, and he can see she’s already ordered coffee for him.  

“Thank you, I needed this,” he says as he sits down opposite her and takes a sip of his coffee.  

“Rough night?” Felice asks with a raised eyebrow. He opens his mouth to tell her he’d just been up early, but she continues talking. “Or rough week maybe? I have barely talked to you in forever, Wille. What’s going on?” 

“Wow, the phone goes both ways you know. And we saw each other last Friday,” he throws back at her. She has a point though; they haven’t talked much. But between work and Simon he hasn’t had that much time.  

A waiter comes to take the rest of their order, and when she leaves, Felice places her elbows on the table and leans forward. She just looks at him, like he’s supposed to read her mind. Telepathy is not his thing, but he still knows what she wants him to say.  

When he decides to play dumb, and not say anything, she sighs before she speaks. “Come on, Wille. You can’t sit there and pretend that your feelings for Simon have magically disappeared when you’ve spent literally every waken moment together for what? Two weeks now?”  

Wille hates her for knowing him so well. Or he doesn’t hate her, he loves her. But why the fuck does she has to point everything out like this? “I don’t know what to say. Am I still in love with him? Yes. Am I going to tell him? No. Are things exactly like they used to be?” His voice trails off after he asked the last, kind of, rhetorical question.  

Because the truth is, Wille doesn’t know. Things have been different, but he’s not sure if it’s his mind wanting Simon to act different towards him, or if he’s actually doing it. His outburst about Elina yesterday? What was Wille even supposed to think that was? It wasn’t the Simon he used to know. And the moment during the photoshoot? Wille would definitely call it a moment, because Simon had been so close, and Wille’s heart had been beating out of his chest. All he’d wanted to do, was kiss him. A few inches closer and their lips would’ve touched and Wille’s heart might’ve stopped in the process. But who cares about a beating heart if you can kiss Simon Eriksson.  

“Are things like they used to be?” Felice’s voice breaks through to him. The waiter comes with their food, and Wille is happy to have a few more seconds to come up with an answer.  

Felice looks expectantly at him, and Wille caves. “I don’t know, okay? The last couple of days after the Ice Sculpture Exhibition, it’s been…different. Yesterday he threw some weird comment about me being popular at work. He sounded…jealous, Felice.” 

Why would Simon even be jealous? But the comment, the way he’d said Samuel and Elina’s names? It didn’t sound like the Simon he knew. And the more he thinks about it, the more it feels like he’s imagining things. That it’s just his mind playing tricks on him. Because Simon has said they’re best friends more than once, so why is this happening? 

“Okay, just walk me through it? All of it since Tuesday,” Felice says and cuts a big bite of her pancake. She points the fork at him with a small smile. “And I mean all of it!” 

So Wille takes a deep breath and tells her everything, from how he’d picked Simon up after he’d told him about his song, when he’d warmed him up in the ice hall, his little sunshine comment when he dropped Simon off. How they’d fallen asleep on the couch after making the wish list for Santa and how he’d been unable to not check him out when he walked in on Simon in his underwear. Until Simon’s comment yesterday and their little moment after the photoshoot.  

When he’s done talking Felice just stares at him for a minute, her fork with pancake on it hangs in the air. He can basically see the wheels working in her head. “Wow,” she just says before eating the piece of pancake. Then she places her fork and knife down, takes a sip of her coffee and clears her throat. “Wille, listen to me. I can’t say anything about what’s going on in Simon’s head. That boy has always had his own way of thinking. And you two have always had a relationship that’s blurred the lines. But to me it sounds like he’s confused.” 

Confused? How is Wille supposed to work with confused? He wanted Felice to tell him exactly what Simon is thinking, because that would make things very easy for him. And he could need some easy in his life right now.  

“I have no idea what to do with that?” Wille says quietly. He has to leave for work and find out if Elina has learned anything at all. But all he wants to do is drive over to Simon and shake the truth out of him. Whatever the truth might be. 

“I don’t think there’s anything more you can do, Wille. If you don’t want to tell him, you have to either keep doing what you do and risk getting your heart broken. Or make more distance and try to get over him,” Felice says, and she could’ve just cut his heart out of his chest and stamped on it, because it might’ve hurt less.  

Wille swallows hard, before he looks her straight in the eyes. “Way to be positive, huh? So you’re saying I don’t have a shot?” 

“No, I say that if you decide to keep going like this, you might be lucky, but you’re risking your heart. Which is basically what you do when you’re in love,” she says before she starts to get up.  

“What do you think I should do?” he asks. He’s not sure if he can trust his own mind, or his heart, or his gut for that matter. Because all of him screams for Simon, and it clouds his judgement.  

Felice walks around the table and squats next to him, making him look down at her. “I can’t tell you what to do, Wille. But you’ve risked your heart for God knows how long now; a little more time can’t hurt.” She winks at him and pats his knee, before she just walks out.  

So his friend is absolutely no help, because he would probably have come up with that himself. He doesn’t think there’s any way for him to keep his distance from Simon, not as long as Simon lets him be close.  

His phone beeps and he suddenly realizes Elina is probably waiting for him. So he rushes out of the café and drives to his office. It takes him longer than it usually does. The world outside his windshield is white and blurry, like it’s trying to match the fog in his head. 

When he walks into his office a few moments later, Elina sits by her laptop at his desk. She looks up when he walks in. “You’re late,” she says shortly before she goes back to what she’s been doing. It’s almost a little weird how comfortable they’ve become in each other’s company in just a week. Wille is happy he told her right away that he wasn’t interested in her, it made their relationship turn into some kind of friendship instead.  

“I’m sorry. I had breakfast with a friend. Did you finish everything?” he asks her and sits down at his desk.  

“Yes, forever ago,” she answers with a roll of her eyes, like it’s the stupidest question ever, but her eyes shine teasingly.  

The rest of the workday goes by fast, checking up on everything Elina did just right and going through the last touches of her orientation. Simon texts him saying they should meet at the arena a couple of hours before doors open, and Wille leaves early to be able to make it.  

Walking towards the queuing line, he can spot Simon before Simon spots him. He’s talking to someone Wille doesn’t know, laughing, smiling. His curls shine in the light from the lamp post. He looks so beautiful, so perfect. Then he turns and their eyes meet, and Wille is sure. He’s sure about everything, he’s sure that the water is wet, that the snow under his feet is cold and that the sun is warm. And he’s absolutely sure that there’s no way he can make distance between Simon and him. Because Simon looks at him like Wille is his favorite person in the world.  

“You’re here!” Simon shouts when Wille’s close enough and throws his arms around his neck. Wille catches him as he nearly stumbles in his eagerness and his hands fit so perfect on Simon’s hips. It’s like they were made to fit there.  

Wille shakes his head, yeah, he’s so gone. “Yeah,” he says before he makes a small, almost unnoticeable nod towards the strangers.  

“This is Stella and Fredrika, we just got to talking while I was waiting for you,” Simon says and Wille shakes hands with the girls, before they get back in line.  

For the entire two hours, Wille learns three things. He brought way too little clothing to wait outside an arena for hours when it’s December. He's actually becoming a little excited for this concert after all (he won’t admit that). And he might start to see the confusion Felice talked about earlier. Or he just wants to believe it so bad, that he’s seeing things. To be honest, he doesn’t care.  

The thing is, when you queue before a concert, you get to talk to people. Because what else is there to do? But even though Wille has tried to focus on more than one of the conversations that’s been going on, he can’t. Simon touches his arm every time he laughs, leans closer when he feels cold, smile at him when he wants Wille’s confirmation on something, and whispers (yes whispers, his breath so close Wille almost misses his words) in his ear when he’s going to get a hot chocolate from the café across the street. 

“Hey, your boyfriend dropped this,” one of the guys standing behind them says when Simon has gone off. He hands him a key, and Wille’s brain uses a second to catch up to the words.  

“Oh, no. We’re just friends,” he says, not completely sure why. Simon didn’t correct Robert back when he thought they were dating, but Wille feels like he has to. He needs Simon to take the lead on this, he doesn’t trust himself to see what it is.  

The guy looks at him for a minute, studies him, like he waits for Wille to say that he’s joking. “Oh, shit. Sorry. I was convinced you were a couple. I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now,” he says when Wille isn’t saying anything more. He blushes before he shoots Wille a small smile and turns to talk to the girl next to him.  

Wille turns his back on them and just stares at the ground, feels like the logical option. Did everyone else see something they didn’t see? Did it really look so obvious? Was Simon so obvious and Wille’s brain had just decided that it was nothing, because he didn’t dare thinking it might be something?  

“Ready? I think they’re opening the doors,” Simon says when he skips back to where Wille stands.  

Wille nods at him and smiles, his voice not to be trusted after the guy’s boyfriend-comment. Before he knows it, the line is moving and they’re standing inside the arena with a huge stage in front of them. Simon is glowing next to him, excitement radiating from him, and it makes it all worth it. To be able to watch Simon this happy, Wille would do anything.  

Then the arena goes dark, and the crowd erupts even before Bad Bunny is on stage. Thousands of people screaming, the air already thick with perfume and sweat and heat. There’s an explosion of lights, neon pink, green and blue, everything pulsing together with the bass. It doesn’t just hit him, it shakes through Wille’s chest and travels through his ribs. It’s a collision of sounds, lights, bodies and joy.  

The stage explodes in colors – the dancers slide across the glowing floor, sensually, sexy. Bad Bunny’s voice roll through the arena, hyping the crowd, every “baby” and “mami” a hymn the crowd know by heart.  

The Spanish lyrics roam through the air and the crowd start moving like one to the music. There’s a mix of freedom and confidence, a sensuality that makes people dance without restraint. Wille looks at Simon, this is his element, his world, his language. He looks so free, so alive. Singing along to every song, he’s never looked like he belonged more.  

To Wille it’s something new. It’s a beautiful chaos, a moment that makes him want to try something new. It’s dizzying, intoxicating and he’s anchored only by Simon. His Spanish is not the best, but he knows the basics. So when Simon turns to him and sings the lyrics, it hits him right in the chest.  

No, no te puedo olvidar (No, I can’t forget you) 
No, no te puedo borrar (No, I cant erase you) 
Tú me enseñaste a querer (You taught me how to love) 
Me enseñaste a bailar (You taught me how to dance) 

He knows it’s a song; it’s not Simon. But why turn and sing these lyrics? He can sing all the songs, why these exact words? And maybe it’s just a big, fat coincidence, but what if Wille decides it means something more? Who can stop him? For a split-second he can let himself believe that it’s Simon – that the words are meant for him.  

The white strobe light flashes over the arena, the music washes over them like a wave, but for a moment it’s the two of them. Wille’s breath catches as the light hits Simon’s face, flashing in pink and gold. It makes his skin glow in a shade Wille has never seen before.  

The next song starts, and Simon turns back to the stage. The crowd start to move in unison, like a syncopated heartbeat. Suddenly Wille is standing behind Simon. Heat pools in his stomach when he can feel Simon start to move his hips to the music. He’s swaying, hitting every note just right. At work everything has structure, reports, reviews – he’s in control. But nothing about Simon has ever followed structure. 

And then Wille can hear him sing, maybe he leans in a little closer to hear it better – sue him. The concert, the lights, the crowd is all gone. It’s just Simon.  

Porque la nota ya está haciendo efecto (Bеcause the high is starting to kick in) 
Mi mundo está jodío y me siento perfecto (My world is fucked up and I feel pеrfect) 
Porque estás tú aquí, moviéndote así, no pare’ (Because you’re here moving like that, don’t stop) 
Baby, tú eres mi droga, esta noche no le baje’ (Baby, you’re my drug, don’t slow it down tonight) 

Wille doesn’t know if Simon does it on purpose, but he’s shaking his hips, touching against Wille’s thigh. Suddenly the people behind them push, and Wille is flushed against Simon’s back, feeling how Simon’s body moves against his. The picture from yesterday, Simon standing in his living room in just his boxers decides to push itself forward in his mind. In this moment he’s not sure if it's a good thing or not to know how Simon looks like in his underwear. Simon is so close, Wille can smell his cologne, mixed with sweat and something that is just distinctively Simon.  

Because with the sexy music, the heat, the lights, the bodies – well, one body – Wille can feel his own body react to it. His mind goes blank, and his hands move on their own. They find their place on Simon’s hips and no, Wille is no dancer, but even he can move a little in a crowd where almost nobody has space to move anyway.  

Simon manages to lift his arms up, and he slides one arm behind Wille’s neck, leaning his head back on his shoulder. He’s still singing, smiling, closing his eyes for a second just enjoying the euphoria. Wille doesn’t understand all the lyrics, but the way Simon sings them, makes it feel like a secret meant just for him. His heart has basically stopped beating, and he forces his lungs to draw in some of the smoky air. It shouldn’t be this hard doing something so easy as breathing. But he’s not sure if his brain gets enough oxygen in this moment, it feels like he’s flying.  

The concert is over way too soon, or maybe it’s exactly soon enough. Because Wille doesn’t think he could’ve taken much more without getting really turned on. They stumble their way out of the arena, the bass still ringing in his ears, making every other sound foggy. When they reach the doors, the cold wind hits him in the face and he stops for a minute by the side of the arena, just letting the breeze cool down his sweaty body.  

He closes his eyes, focusing on breathing, slowing down his body in general. “That was amazing! It was incredible,” he can hear Simon say next to him. Wille opens his eyes slowly. Simon leans against the wall next to him, a huge smile still plastered on his lips. Oh, those lips, those beautiful, glossy, pink lips. It’s almost torture to look at them, because he doesn’t have to imagine what they feel like. He knows. Knows exactly how soft they are, and how kissing them makes his own lips tingle.  

“Thank you so much for this, Wille. It was an experience of a lifetime,” Simon continues, and Wille doesn’t have it in him to protest. He feels lightheaded, like there’s not enough blood in the parts of his body that needs it.  

“It was kind of fun,” he admits eventually.  

Simon punches him lightly. “I’m happy you had fun too. I know you just did it for me,” then Simon leans up and gives him a hug. Wille wraps his arms around his waist, it's a reflex really. As if his hands are drawn to Simon’s waist by a magnet. “Come, let’s take a walk before we go home.” 

They walk side by side in silence, just enjoying the after-concert rush that still flows through their bodies. Their hands touching as they swing back and forth, sending an electric shock up Wille’s arm every time.  

“Can I sleep at yours tonight?” Simon asks quietly when they reach Wille’s car. And who is Wille ever to say no to such a question? So they drive back to Wille’s house, just listening to the music Simon puts on. It feels nice just to listen to some quiet music after a concert like that. Calming.  

Wille’s house is dark, and they stumble through the door, Wille fumbling for the light switch. A warm, yellow light fills his living room. “You go first,” Wille says and nods towards the bathroom.  

He walks into the bedroom to dig out the extra pillows and covers from his closet, before he throws it on the bed. And the minute Simon walks into the bedroom wearing only his boxers and Wille’s t-shirt, Wille already knows he probably won’t get that much sleep. “I hope it’s okay I borrowed this,” Simon says casually as he organizes the pillows.  

Wille mumbles “sure” and walks out, he’s not even sure if the one word he let out was the right one. How is he supposed to sleep next to Simon, wearing his clothes, after the experience at the concert? There’s no way in hell. He’s not sure why Simon looks better in Wille’s clothes than Wille ever has – even if it’s just a t-shirt. 

Maybe this is what loving Simon has always been like – wanting to sleep but staying awake to make sure he’s still there. Maybe Felice was right – maybe risking his heart was the only way to really love Simon. The only thing Wille could do, was show Simon that he would take care of his heart too, if Simon decides to give it to him.

Chapter Text

Simon

The concert still rings in his ears when he wakes the next morning. The room is quiet, except for Wille’s small snores beside him. Simon opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling with a smile. Last night had been one of the best experiences of his life. He loves music. But being at a concert like that, together with thousands of other people, singing along to the same lyrics; there’s no other place that makes him feel like he belongs more.

For a few hours nothing else matters, every person is there for the same reason. There’s no hate, no spite, no judgement – just a bunch of people liking the same thing. Enjoying the same experiences, sharing a love for the same art.

Simon replays it in his head, how the bass had pulsed through him. How the whole crowd had moved together like one. The music, the lights, the dancing, all of it making an atmosphere that was heated – heightening every emotion. It was like being inside a bubble where the outside world didn’t exist, a place where there was no restraint. Wille’s hands on his hips, their bodies flushed together, it had felt so right. Like it was meant to be like that.

In the moment Simon had just enjoyed it, living in the little bubble inside that arena. He hadn’t even given it a thought yesterday. Now, however, he can’t stop thinking about it. Had it been too much? Wille hadn’t seemed to mind. In fact, he’d seemed very much into it. Simon knew Wille wasn’t a fan of Bad Bunny, that he just did it for Simon. But it had looked like he’d had a good time, vibing along to the music, dancing close to Simon, humming to a few of the songs.

It had felt good, like their bodies just fit together. Is he really thinking about Wille like that right now? His best friend, sleeping next to him? Was all this real, or did he just make things up in his mind now? Was it just the heat from the concert that had made them act like they had? Or was it actually something more? 

Wille stirs next to him, and Simon almost startles. He glances over at Wille, still lying with his eyes closed. His covers have slid down to cover the top of his boxers, his chest moving in a steady beat as he breathes. Simon lets his eyes roam over his face, his chest, his stomach. Then Wille turns again, and Simon shakes his head. What is happening?

He gets out of the bed as quietly as he can and nearly runs for the bathroom. Wille is handsome, very attractive, no need to hide that. But Simon has never really thought that much about it before. Now he can see all the small details. The crinkles around Wille’s eyes when he laughs. The small dimples in his cheeks when he really smiles. The freckle on the left side of his collarbone. The way he bites his cheek when he’s nervous, or how the blush always makes him look younger.

When had he started seeing Wille so differently? Did it really matter? He couldn’t afford losing Wille, not ever. Putting feelings in the mix would be a risk. Was it even feelings? Did he have feelings for Wille now?

Simon opens his mouth to draw in as much air as possible. Or was all of this just the aftermath of a concert that was so special to him, that he was making things up? The person he would talk to this about is sleeping in the bedroom of this house, and that’s also the person he’s absolutely not going to discuss it with at all.

Instead he decides to just take a shower. When he’s fully dressed in last night’s clothes, he makes his way to the kitchen where he can already smell the coffee. Wille leans against the counter, coffee in one hand and his phone in the other. “Good morning,” he says, and looks at Simon with a smile when he walks in. It makes something warm and strange flutter in Simon’s chest.

“Good morning. Do you have more coffee?” he asks, because coffee sounds like the only viable thing to wrap his head around right now. Wille pours him a cup and holds it out for him to take.

“What are we doing today?” Wille asks when they’ve settled on the couch a few minutes later with their coffee. He’s curled up on one side of the couch; his legs tucked under him and he just looks at Simon with an expectant gaze.

Simon had been so convinced yesterday that no one else would get him tickets to see Bad Bunny, just Wille. It made him sure the calendar was from him too. But Wille didn’t give him anything at all. But this time, Simon is still sure. It has to be Wille.

So Wille probably knew what they were doing today, but Simon could play along. “I don’t know, haven’t been able to check exactly,” he says with a laugh as he looks down on himself, wearing yesterday’s clothes. “I have to go home and check, and change. It looks like I’m doing the walk of shame here.”

A small, pink blush creeps up on Wille’s cheeks and he looks down into his almost empty coffee cup. “I can drive you home. But after breakfast, I’m starving,” Wille states as he gets up from the couch and walks into the kitchen. Simon can hear him taking out pans and starting to cook something in there.

They eat breakfast and Wille drives him home, Simon blasting Bad Bunny in the car, still riding the after-concert rush. When Efecto starts playing, Simon glances over at Wille. He’s gripping the steering wheel with both his hands and seems very focused on the road. Simon’s been playing this song in his head all morning. Replaying Wille’s hands on him, his head on Wille’s shoulder, hand around Wille’s neck. His back pressed against Wille’s chest, swaying his hips, feeling Wille’s breath catch.

Because it had definitely been catching, they had been so close Simon could feel everything. Felt Wille’s breath on his neck, heard him swallowing hard. “Do I have something on my face?” Wille’s voice breaks through to him and he realizes he’s been staring. He quickly looks away and mumbles something he doesn’t even understand himself.

For the rest of the ride there’s just the music in the car, neither of them speak. Simon unlocks the door to his apartment before he escapes into his bedroom to find a change of clothes. A crop top and leather pants isn’t exactly his everyday choice.

“You can open it, if you like,” he says when he returns to the living room seeing Wille admiring the calendar.

“You sure?” Wille asks, but before Simon even has time to answer he’s already opened door #13. Wille unfolds the blue note and starts to read. “Today’s activity is a challenge. Enter the Santa land talent show today. I dare you.” Wille smiles at the note before he looks up and meets Simon’s eyes. There’s something in them that makes Simon feel surprisingly brave, like Wille just knows he’ll do it.

“I guess I accept the challenge. Do you know when it is?” he says as casual as he can. But his heart beats a little faster and a nervous flutter forms in his stomach. He’s sung karaoke, solos in a choir. But never participated in anything like this. He has no idea if he’s good enough for a competition, no less a talent show.

“I don’t know. I can text Elina, she’s supposed to volunteer there today, I think,” Wille says as he digs out his phone. When did Elina and Wille become…friends? Wasn’t she only his intern? And she was supposed to be gone until January now, wasn’t she?

Simon shakes his head. He’s being delusional again, it’s just a text. Stop being so stupid. "We could just go down there and help out too? Before the talent show? If you don’t have anything else to do?” It would be better to have something to do than just sit around all day. Because that will only make his mind spin and he will just be more nervous than he already is.

“Sure, why not. It’s past noon anyway and Elina says you have to enter the talent show before 15.00. It starts at 17.00,” Wille says with a smile and a shrug of his shoulders. That gives him a few hours to prepare, and figure out what to even sing.

Walking into Santa land is like walking straight into the North Pole. Or at least that’s what Simon thinks. It’s busy, kids running around with big smiles and sticky fingers. People everywhere, some running around organizing, others just walking. Some hand in hand, others with strollers. The park is filled with laughter and joy and it really feels just like how Christmas is supposed to feel like.

Next to the Santa house there’s now a small stage with fairy lights as a roof. A few microphones are being placed there, together with a couple of stools. “Wilhelm,” Elina’s voice comes from next to the stage. She walks towards them, carrying a big box, a couple of stockings hanging out on the side.

Wille turns towards her and smiles before he offers to take the box from her. “Hey, Elina. Where do you want this?”

“Simon, are you entering the talent show? Will I get to hear you sing today?” Elina says, ignoring Wille’s question. Simon knows there’s nothing going on here, she’s just being friendly, but there’s still a small knot in his chest that he can’t quite ignore.

“I guess you will, where do I sign up?” he asks. She points him in the right direction and he walks over there, leaving Wille to help out Elina with whatever she was doing before.

When he’s done he buys two hot chocolates and scans the park for Wille. Sometimes it scares him how much space Wille takes up in his world. How everything dimmes a little when Wille isn’t around. He spots him laughing with Elina by the stage, her hand brushes his arm – a little too close for Simon’s comfort.

He walks closer and Elina shoots him a smile before she leans in and says something quietly to Wille. She shows him slightly in the shoulder and Wille looks away. Simon can hear him tell her to shut up, but she just giggles and walks away. “What was that about?” Simon asks when he’s close enough to hand Wille the cup.

“Oh, nothing. She’s just being annoying,” Wille answers, and takes the cup Simon holds out for him. “Thank you.”

It hadn’t looked like nothing. “I thought she was done?” he asks, and he shouldn’t have said that, because it’s still none of his damn business. And also, this has nothing to do with Wille’s job, so she being here isn’t that strange. Why is he feeling so intimidated by her?

“She is. She’ll be back in January. But I guess we became sort of friends? She’s just a couple of years younger than us. And she’s actually really nice,” Wille says with a smile.

“If you’re friends, why doesn’t she call you Wille?” Simon blurts out before he can stop himself. He closes his eyes for a second when he realizes what he just said.

Wille looks at him for a second, like he’s trying to find out the hidden message behind this. “I’ve known her for a week; we’re not that close, Simon. And why is…” Wille starts; his voice is filled with uncertainty.

“You know what, just forget about it. I don’t know why I even asked that. Let’s see if someone needs help?” he breaks Wille off and walks over to a woman with a clipboard.

For the next hours they help out to make the stage and the park look perfect. Make sure the lights work as it gets darker, make sure the sound is okay and that there’s benches and chairs for those who needs it.

Simon places another barstool on the stage, humming Efecto under his breath, when he hears someone call his name. He turns around to see Rosh, Ayub, Felice and Henry walk towards him. “Looking good up there,” Rosh shouts at him when they’re close enough for him to really hear them.

“What are you doing here?” he asks confused, while he jumps of the stage to meet them. They all give him the same look and he knows exactly what they’re doing there. “Wille texted you, didn’t he?”

A unison smile spreads on their faces, and he wonders if they’ve actually practiced this. “Of course he did. I’m almost a little hurt you didn’t,” Ayub says and punches him lightly. If Simon wasn’t nervous already, he is now. Singing in front of strangers is one thing. Singing in front of all his friends is something different.

“Well, kind of last minute, I guess,” his excuse isn’t the best, he knows that. But it’s all he can come up with.

“So, what are you singing?” Henry asks, and Simon has spent the last hours thinking about that exact question.

He wanted it to be a Christmas song, and he had to know it really well, so he didn’t have to practice. It had to be one that was easy to find the melody to, so he had come up with two options. And now would be the perfect time to decide. “I’m torn between All I want for Christmas is you, and Have yourself a Merry little Christmas. What do you guys think?”

“All I want for Christmas is you,” all four of them say at the same time. And Simon is starting to become convinced they’ve practiced this.

“Hey, you came,” Wille’s voice comes from behind him and a calm fills him immediately. It’s insane that just hearing Wille’s voice makes him relax. “This is Elina.” He continues and Simon watches as his friends shake her hand and saying their names. Elina was everywhere, wasn’t she? With her wavy hair and her long eyelashes, and her exceptional radiance. Simon hates that he likes her; he wasn’t supposed to like her. She was supposed to be irritating, easy to dislike. But she had to be stupidly perfect.

“Simme,” Ayub says and places his hand lightly on Simon’s shoulder. “You okay? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost or something?” Suddenly he can feel six pairs of eyes on him, just waiting for him to explain why he's definitely not been present for whatever conversation that’s been going on around him.

Simon shakes his head and puts on a smile. “Yeah, no. Just a little nervous, I guess,” he stammers, and he’s grateful that he has something to blame. How else is he supposed to explain that he apparently gets jealous every time Elina is around?

“You’ll do great,” Wille says kindly, and all his friends hum in agreement.

“I’m looking forward to hear you sing, Simon. Wilhelm hasn’t been able to shut up about how talented you are,” Elina teases, and leans into Wille before she walks away. Simon's fingers thigten around his cup before he catches himself.

“She seems really nice, Wille,” Rosh says while she follows Elina with her eyes.

“Yeah, you don’t have a chance, Rosh,” Henry decides to throw out there. Rosh looks at him with huge eyes, like she was caught doing something illegal. Henry laughs before he starts to explain what he means. “She’s been all over Wille, until he had to shut her down,” Wille sends him a look to tell him to shut up, and Henry raises his hands like an excuse.

“It wasn’t that bad, and we’re friends now. She’s a great girl, you never know Rosh. I would say go for it,” Wille says with a laugh.

“Not that bad? Wille, she was basically drooling all over your desk the first two days. But I do agree, she is a nice girl, respectful and hardworking,” Henry says, and apparently Simon’s mouth decides to live its own life again. Because he lets out a small “huh!” and suddenly all eyes are on him again.

“Nothing, I’ll go get ready,” he says quickly before nearly running backstage. This wasn’t going as smoothly as he’d hoped for sure. He needs to get his own emotions under control before he says something he can’t really take back.

The talent show starts, and the judges take their place behind a small table in front of the stage. First a group of kids perform an out of tune version of Jingle Bell. A grandmother insists on singing Silent Night, and a guy reads a Christmas poem. Two girls act out a short play, and suddenly Simon can hear his own name being called.

The darkness has fallen over the park, making the fairy lights shine up the stage. Simon walks out on it, scans the crowd for his friends. He spots them right at the front, smiling and waving. Next to them is his mom and Sara too, and he feels a new wave of nerves wash over him. He can do this, it’s just like karaoke.

The music starts and Simon sings. He sings his heart out, hitting every note. His eyes meet Wille’s and he almost forgets the lyrics, because Wille looks at him like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Like Simon is the center of his universe.

When the song ends, the crowd erupts into cheers and clapping. Simon smiles, it’s like he’s floating, like he’s unstoppable. He bows and walks off the stage. “Simon, you’re amazing! You’ll win this, no competition!” Elina nearly shouts at him. Of course she had to be the first one to meet him.

“Thank you, Elina,” he manages to say, even if his voice comes out a little restraint, but either she doesn’t notice or she decides to not comment on it. “I’m going to see my friends.” He sends her a small smile, and she waves at him before she goes back to what she was doing.

He walks up to where his friends and his mom and sister sit. Linda hugs him and tells him how proud she is. Sara punches him in the arm and says he didn’t suck. His other friends send him praises and pat his back, saying he’ll definitely win. He smiles and thanks them before he sits down next to Wille. The next performer is already on stage, a young man, singing When you wish upon a star.

Wille takes his hand and gives it a squeeze before he leans in and whisper in Simon’s ear. A chill goes down Simon’s spine when Wille’s warm breath hits the side of his neck. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

Simon’s breath catches in his chest. Wille has said the words before, but it’s something about the way he whispers them now. Like a murmur, as if Simon is the only one worth listening too.

The rest of the talent show goes by in a blur, and before he knows it Simon is back on stage hearing the judges call his name as the winner. A Christmas medal is placed around his neck by Elina, and then Simon’s eyes meet Wille’s again. The stage, the crowd, everything disappears. He feels overpowering, like he can do anything if he just has Wille by his side.

Simon walks off stage and walks a little to the side. He takes the medal off and studies it. This morning when Wille read the note from the calendar, he never thought he would be standing here right now after winning this thing. “Simon,” he can hear Wille’s voice call and he looks up. Wille walks over to him, and lifts him up in a hug. “I knew you would win,” Wille says before he places him back on the ground. It’s not until he has to look up at Wille he realizes they’re standing under a mistletoe.

Suddenly Simon’s mouth goes dry, and he has to force his lungs to draw in a breath. Wille looks up too, to see what he’s looking at. When he spots it his eyes meet Simon’s again. Neither of them moves, they just stand there, staring into each other’s eyes. There’s a tension building around them like a force field. Simon can feel his hands get clammy and his heart beats faster.

Was this happening? Was he about to kiss Wille? His best friend? It wouldn’t be the first time, he knows that. But the last times hasn’t risked him a heart attack. Now he’s almost convinced his heart will flat line the minute his lips connects with Wille.

He can see Wille’s eyes flick to Simon’s lips too; Wille licks his upper lip, before he bites his lower. And that tongue has no right to lick over that lip like that. For a second he’s sure Wille leans closer, and he almost closes his eyes, just waiting. Then a shriek comes through the evening dark, and Wille looks away quickly. Simon feels cold. Like something is missing. Wille runs away from him and towards where the sound came from. Simon follows him with his eyes, and sees Elina lying on the ground, holding her ankle.

Simon walks over to where Wille squats next to her. “What happened? Are you okay?” Wille asks her with concern in his voice.

“She’s probably fine,” Simon can hear his mouth whisper. When he realizes what he just said, a knot forms in his chest and he crosses his fingers that no one heard him. Wille looks at him with something in his eyes saying that he might’ve heard him and Simon hates his own mouth for being so stubborn to live its own life.

“I tripped in the cable, and hurt my ankle. I don’t think it’s broken. Help me up?” Elina says, and Wille places his arm under hers and helps her up. She limps a little, and her face looks pained. Wille holds her and leads her towards a chair.

“You should check it. It looks swollen,” Wille says after he’s examined her ankle. “I can take you?”

Elina waves her hand at him, before she tries to get up again. When she can’t walk on it she sits back down and says her brother is there so he can take her. Wille goes to find her brother, and Simon decides to say goodbye to his friends.

When everything has quieted down, Wille comes to find him. They walk in silence towards Wille’s car for a second. Then Wille stops him. He brushes a few snowflakes out of Simon’s curls, and looks at him for a second, but Simon can’t read him. “I have to ask you. Do you have anything against Elina? You change every time she’s around, or if she’s mentioned?”

Out of all the things Wille could ask, this wasn’t anywhere near the top of Simon’s list. His brain works overtime to come up with an answer that doesn’t sound like he’s an obnoxious idiot. “No, she seems nice,” he decides to say, unable to really meet Wille’s eyes.

But Wille keeps looking at him like he waits for him to say something more. “But?” Wille asks when Simon doesn’t say anything. Is this a ‘white lie-moment’ and hope Wille doesn’t see right through it? Or a ‘tell the truth’ kind of moment?

Simon decides on a golden mean. “I like her, she’s great. But it seems like she still wants you,” the minute the words are out, he hears them, and he wishes he’d heard them inside his brain before he said them. Because he should’ve gone with the lie this time.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Wille asks, and takes a small step back, like he’s offended. Simon panics, and opens his mouth to try and explain his way out of this, but Wille continues talking. “She doesn’t, okay? We’re friends. And what if she did? What would it matter?” Wille’s voice has turned slightly frustrated, but his eyes give him away. He looks hurt, confused.

The words hit him like a punch in the gut. Because then we wouldn’t have a chance, Simon thinks, and suddenly it’s like a lightbulb is ignited in his brain. He’s in love with Wille, isn’t he?

Fuck!

The thought settles in his chest, warm and terrifying. He swallows hard, throat suddenly dry. He searches his brain to come up with an answer, anything to say. It doesn’t matter what it is at this point; it just has to come sounds out of his open mouth.

But there’s nothing. He got nothing.

“It doesn’t matter. Come on, I’ll drive you home,” Wille says eventually, when he apparently feels like he’s waited long enough. He starts to walk towards his car and Simon just follows him in silence. He wants to scream and shout to make Wille see him, see that there’s more going on here. But it’s like his vocal cords finally have gone quiet, because he can’t come up with anything to say right now.

The drive to his apartment is silent, and when Wille parks he doesn’t turn and look at him with a smile like he usually does. He takes a breath, and closes his eyes for a second. Then he turns and sends Simon a small smile, it’s so small Simon almost misses it. “Goodbye, Simon,” he just says shortly and Simon just gets out of the car with a small goodbye.

He stands frozen on the sidewalk for a minute, just watches the car lights disappear down the road. He drags his feet into the elevator and rides up to his floor. Unlocks the door and walks straight to the bathroom to undress and then to bed.

He doesn’t know for how long he just lies awake and stares up at the ceiling, replaying the whole day in his mind over and over again. A stray tear rolls down the side of his face and lands in his ear.

He thinks back on the last couple of weeks. Wille had been there for him every step of the way after his break up. Stood by his side as he cried, done his best to make sure Simon would move on – heal. Was he really in love with Wille? Or was it just that he was afraid to lose him? It was supposed to be them – always. Maybe that’s what made it real.

His phone vibrates and he picks it up slowly.

Wille: You sang beautifully today. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The text isn’t much, but it’s enough for Simon to feel like he can breathe again. They would be okay. It was always the two of them, together. He had to believe that, because the thought of it not being the case is impossible to bear. They would figure it out tomorrow. But how would he do that, without accidentally spilling everything?

Chapter Text

Wille

The sun shines through Wille’s window as he stretches his arms over his head. But even the long-awaited sunshine can’t take away the tightening feeling in his chest. It’s that kind of feeling when you know something's wrong, but you can’t place it.

He picks up his phone and opens Simon’s contact. His message from last night shines back at him. Delivered – Seen. But still no reply from Simon. Maybe he's just tired, fell asleep – maybe it's nothing at all.

Or maybe whatever was going on yesterday had something to do with it. Wille replays yesterday over and over, trying to find the moment where everything shifted. But it wasn’t yesterday, was it? It had shifted days ago.

Something about Simon had seemed off, maybe on and off for a few days. He’s usually so open and present. But yesterday especially he’d seemed closed up and distant. Wille really thought he was moving on, that the breakup was almost a distant memory now. Maybe he was wrong? Or had things gone too far between them? Had he been too much?

Wille replays the moment that’s engraved in his mind forever. The mistletoe had been a pleasant surprise, or maybe it had been a nightmare, it still remains to be seen. But the moment was still not something he would forget. It had felt like some kind of force had drawn him to Simon. Pulled them closer. And in that moment Wille had actually thought he would get everything his heart desired.

Simon had looked him straight in the eyes, hadn’t even blinked. Wille had studied his eyes, looked for any kind of uncertainty. But he hadn’t been able to find any. Then Elina had hurt herself and the moment had vanished. Wille didn’t like his friends being in pain, physically, emotionally, it didn’t matter. He wanted to help, to make it better. So it was instinct really, when he ran over to her to check if she was okay.

But Simon had been so cold after, locked inside himself. Had Wille read everything wrong? Maybe it had just been his imagination playing tricks on him, making him think Simon actually wanted to kiss him too. Not just a drunk kiss on a sticky couch, but a real, true kiss.

No, Simon was probably just tired. It was nothing. Wille checks his phone again, even though he knows there’s not any new notifications. He decides to send Simon a quick text, just to check in.

Wille: Hey, how are you feeling today? Let me know when you’ve opened the calendar.

He stares at the message, waiting for it to say seen. When it doesn’t show, he gets out of bed and makes a coffee. He doesn’t have anything to do today – he had made sure every day of December was as free as possible after Simon had said he wanted them to do the activities together. So what is he supposed to do? Just sit around and wait for Simon to get back to him?

He needs to do something. He might try to convince himself that Simon is just sleeping, but the gnawing feeling in his chest doesn’t go away no matter how much he tries. Was it Elina? Wille can’t see why, there was nothing going on between them, nothing more than a building friendship. But Simon had acted so strange towards her, like she’d done something wrong.

A run might clear his head. So he puts on his warmest gym clothes and running shoes. He stops by the door and glances towards the chair by the window. Simon’s shirt from two nights ago still lies on it. The concert had been so different, so carefree. Thinking about it now feels worse than silence.

He shakes his head and heads out into the sunny morning. Sunshine in December usually means cold, but the small rays of sun still warm his cheeks when he walks outside. Wille puts his earbuds in, and his usual playlist starts blasting through them before he starts to run.

Walking back into the house about an hour later hasn’t made his mind any less chaos. He checks his phone, still no reply from Simon. Should he be worried? It’s a Sunday, so Simon probably sleeps late. But it’s noon, and nothing. He sends another text before he makes sure the sound is on, and jumps in the shower.

Wille: are you okay?

The minute he turns the water off his phone beeps, and he nearly falls out of the shower in his eagerness to check it.

Simon: Sorry, not feeling good. Think I might be coming down with something. Going to try and sleep for a few more hours. Today’s activity is Christmas shopping. I’ll let you know if I’m up for it later.

The water drips down his body while he stares at the text for several seconds. Sick? Simon hadn’t sounded sick yesterday. He had sung so beautifully, his voice as clear as crystal. Wille’s thumbs hover over the keyboard.

Wille: I’m sorry. Rest up, and text me later. I can bring takeout if you want? He adds a small heart emoji. Then deletes it. Adds it again – and deletes it. Why was a heart suddenly so hard to decide on? He puts the heart back on and sends the text before he can second-guess (or third or fourth) himself.

His phone beeps again and his heart races a little until he sees the text from Ayub.

Ayub: Have you talked to him today?

Maybe it wasn’t just Wille who had felt something was a little off? Maybe it hadn’t had anything to do with him? But why wouldn't Simon talk to him about it? They talked about (almost) everything.

Wille: I’ve been a little worried. He said he’s sick just now. I might go over there later. I’ll keep you updated.

He sends the text to Ayub, before he gets dressed and makes some breakfast – well, probably brunch at this hour. Simon had said today’s activity was Christmas shopping. Wille needed to buy another gift for Simon anyway, so he decides to take the short drive into the city center and see if he can find anything. Then he can swing by Simon after and check on him.

Walking mindlessly around a shopping mall in December is like walking in a maze. There’s people everywhere and after almost an hour Wille hasn’t even been inside a store. His brain won’t shut up enough for him to come up with anything that is good enough for Simon.

Then he walks by a bookstore and his eyes land on a collection of old comic books. Wille remembers the first time he’d actually sat down and talked to Simon. He’d been wearing a Loony Tunes t-shirt with a purple shirt over. He’d looked so adorable.

Wille hadn’t wanted to become friends with anyone, but Simon had been persistent. So Simon had told him about how much he loved comic books, especially the old ones with Superman, Batman or Spiderman. It was something special about the old comics that the modern ones couldn’t live up to.

Simon had made him feel seen and welcomed back then. Like he was actually belonging somewhere. It was something Wille hadn’t really felt before, even at his old school where he had friends. But none of them could compare to Simon.

Before he knows it, he’s standing by the counter, paying for the collection. It feels like the perfect gift for Simon. Wille knows how much it means to him. The comics had been his safe space when his father had been drinking a little too much. And Simon had said he still missed the old ones.

When he walks out of the store he feels a little lighter, like buying the gift gave him hope. But it doesn’t take long before the gnawing feeling takes place in his body again.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee hits him and he walks into the coffee shop across from the bookstore. The barista smiles at him and he orders his usual oat milk latte. He scans the coffee shop while he waits, a couple sits tucked in the corner, close together. Laughing, holding hands, looking happy. It’s like a sting to his chest, like a piece of him is missing, a piece he never even had in the first place. If he’d been braver, maybe that could’ve been them.

“Merry Christmas,” the barista says with a smile that feels too gentle, and hands him the cup. The coffee cup feels too hot in his hand, a big contrast to his own feelings. Whatever is going on with Simon took Wille's sunshine away, making him feel as cold as the December air.

Wille mumbles a “thank you” before he walks out. His eyes fall to the red marker scrawled on the side of the cup and his throat tightens. You’re loved. For a moment he can imagine Simon’s voice saying it – teasing and soft. His smile that lights up every room he walks into. It’s also a painful reminder of everything unsaid. Everything Wille is too afraid to say out loud.

He shakes his head and sits down on a bench and just watches the crowd for a moment. People running here and there, carrying more shopping bags than they can actually carry. Christmas music blasts through the speakers, and the mall is decorated with Christmas lights and Christmas trees. When he can sit down and take it all in like this, it’s actually very beautiful. But something is missing. Or rather someone.

It doesn’t feel the same without Simon by his side. The busy mall, the running people, the music, it feels like background noise to his internal conflicts.

“Wilhelm,” a known voice breaks through to him. Wille looks up to see Elina walking towards him with a smile on her face. She’s still limping a little, and she doesn’t look dressed for the weather, in black tights and a red dress. Her black coat open at the front and a bandage on her ankle.

He waits until she’s almost standing in front of him before he speaks. “Hey. What are you doing here all dressed up? How is your ankle?”

She flashes him another smile and spins around, before she sits down next to him. “I might have a date,” she says, her eyes sparkling.

“Wow, over me so soon?” he teases, placing a hand on his heart like he’s heartbroken.

She blushes for a second and places her head in her hands, making Wille laugh. It feels nice, to laugh a little. Makes the fog in his brain a little lighter. “Oh my God, shut up,” she mumbles, Wille opens his mouth to ask who it is, but she looks up at him and continues to speak before he gets the chance. “And my ankle is better, it wasn’t broken, so the doctor said I should try and use it as normal. But seriously, Wilhelm. Are you and Simon okay? The guy I met yesterday didn’t look like the guy you’ve praised into the sky?”

So he wasn’t the only one that noticed. Even Elina, who didn’t even know Simon had noticed that something was off. Maybe he wasn’t being delusional after all. But what if he was the one that had done something wrong? What if he’d ruined something? He keeps telling himself that the way Simon had looked at him before the scream – like something was about to happen, like the world was holding its breath – was real. But now he can’t shake the feeling that he’d imagined it, or if Simon was avoiding him because he’d seen it too.

“I don’t know, Elina. He says he’s sick, but I’m not sure if I believe him this time,” Wille says quietly. If Simon really was sick, Wille could bring soup, medicine, warmth. But this – this quiet shutting out – he doesn’t know what to do with. “I was thinking about just dropping by later, but maybe he’s being distant because of the break up, maybe he just needs more time to heal? He probably doesn’t need me hovering.”

Wille starts chewing on his nails, a bad habit he can’t seem to shake even though his mother has tried to make him stop a million times. Maybe giving Simon space was what he should do?

Elina places her hand on his and slowly pushes it away from his mouth. “You say that you’re best friends. He probably needs you, for whatever it is he’s going through. Maybe he doesn’t know how to say it, maybe just being there in silence is enough?” her words makes him doubt everything. Space or no space? Were they just best friends? Simon had acted so strange for days, it was giving Wille a whiplash. In one moment he’s almost convinced that there’s something more between them, in the next Simon seems jealous and then cold and distant.

“I wish I knew what to say” he says, he’s not sure if he says it to himself or to Elina. Maybe a little bit of both.

Elina turns towards him and takes his hand in hers. He looks up and meets her kind eyes. “You light up when you talk about him.”

“That’s kind of embarrassing,” Wille says, feeling a blush creep up his neck.

“It’s not. It’s beautiful,” Elina smiles at him before she turns serious. “Are you sure you’re okay with being just friends?”

Wille isn’t sure, he hasn’t been sure for years. The only thing he is sure about is that what he feels for Simon is something he’s never felt about anyone else in his life. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he says, he can feel his voice trembling slightly.

“I don’t want you to say anything, Wilhelm. I want you to be honest with yourself. Because you talk about Simon like he’s the center of your universe, and I don’t want to see you get hurt,” Elina's voice is warm and Wille swallows the lump in his throat.

They’ve known each other for just a week, and here she is telling him that he’s doing exactly what he’s been trying not to. “I guess I’m not good at hiding it, huh?” he says with a small laugh.

“You’re not, and after yesterday, I think Simon is confused too. I feel like he might be intimidated by me, and I hate that. But Wilhelm,” Elina waits for him to look at her before she continues speaking. “You have to risk your heart to be able to keep it whole.”

Felice had told him that he was risking his heart time and time again, but no one had ever explained it to him like that. Maybe Elina was right, maybe he had to just open his chest and place his heart in Simon’s hands, and just trust him to hold it.

“Oh, my date is here,” Elina exclaims suddenly and Wille startles before he looks up to see Rosh walking towards them. For a moment he forgets his own chaos and looks at Elina with raised eyebrows. “What’s going on here?” he says slowly when Rosh is close enough to hear him too.

“We got to talking after the talent show, while I was waiting for my brother. One thing led to another. Sorry to rub our happiness in your face, Wilhelm,” Elina says teasingly before she gets up and gives Rosh a hug.

“Go then, I don’t want to witness your stupidly, happy faces anyway,” he throws at them with a smile. They both chuckle and waves at him. “Oh, and Elina, you can just call…nevermind. Have fun you two,” he says and waves them off. He almost told Elina to call him Wille instead of Wilhelm. But Simon’s comment from yesterday stops him. Why hadn’t he told her to call him Wille earlier? It felt like they had really become friends, but Simon being so cold towards her yesterday, made him change his mind now.

Wille watches them walk away, leaning close together, giggling under their breaths. It looks so easy; it made him both happy and jealous at the same time. Why did love have to be easy for everyone else, but never for him?

A determination settles over him, and he decides to just drive over to Simon. He stops by the Italian place down the block from Simon’s building and buys the pizza he knows is Simon’s favorite, the one with pineapples on. Riding up the elevator he tells himself it’s not about worry – he’s just being a good friend, making sure Simon eats when he’s sick. But when he stops outside Simon’s door his hands won’t stop shaking, he clenches the pizza box, this is not what being “just a friend” feels like.

Wille knocks on the door. He never knocks – neither of them do – they just walk right in. Why does he feel like he has to knock? It takes a few moments before Simon opens. He doesn’t look sick, he looks tired. Like he hasn’t slept all night.

“Wille?” he says hoarse, like he hasn’t spoken in hours. Simon clears his throat and runs his hand through his curls. “What are you doing here?”

Wille isn’t completely sure what to say. Why is he there? To see if Simon is okay? To make sure he’s eaten anything? To make himself feel better for checking up on Simon? To see if the spark that he was sure was there yesterday wasn’t a dream?

“Ehh, I just…I bought pizza, wanted to make sure you ate something since you’re sick,” yeah, go with the easy solution for now.

Simon looks at the box then at Wille before he opens the door to let Wille in without a word. The silence feels almost unbearable – there are too many words that want to be said, but neither of them knows how to say them it seem like.

“How are you feeling?” Wille dares to ask after he’s placed the pizza on the table. He doesn’t sit down, hasn’t even taken his coat off. It feels weird to feel like he doesn’t know how to act around Simon. Usually Simon is the only person he feels like he can be himself around, no mask, no secrets (except his “over the moon in love” parts).

Simon sits down on the couch and opens the pizza. A steam rises from the box and the smell of melted cheese and tomatoes fills the small apartment. “I don’t know. I guess I feel a little better,” he says and takes a slice. “I can’t eat all this alone, Wille. Sit.”

Wille shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the back of the couch before he sits down on the other side of the couch. He takes a slice of pizza and for a moment it’s just silence.

“Did you get some sleep?” Wille asks after finishing the pizza. He can’t come up with a single time where he hasn’t been able to talk to Simon. Now everything seems weird.

“Yeah, a little,” Simon’s voice sounds distant, like his mind is somewhere far away from his living room. He avoids eye contact and his voice is low and alien-like.

For some reason, Wille feels like he’s intruding Simon’s space. He can’t quite place why, but he’s never felt further away from his best friend. Not even after the whole Marcus-incident at the club a week ago. He wants to tell Simon about Elina and Rosh, but every time he’s mentioned Elina, Simon seems to shut down even more. So he decides not to.

The tension in the room feels too heavy, and it almost feels like he’ll suffocate. Simon stares at the pizza – chewing slowly, like every bite costs him something. Is this how Wille will lose him? Without even knowing why? Wille can’t take it, not now. He’s lost his appetite and decides that he should leave. “I’ll leave, so you can rest,” he says as he gets up from the couch.

He picks up his coat and starts walking towards the door. He should’ve given Simon space instead of intruding. But then Simon grabs for his hand and stops him. The familiar feeling of Simon’s hand on his makes his chest ache even more. How could they be so close, but still so far apart?

“Wille, don’t go. Please, just…stay,” Simon says, his voice so small Wille just wants to wrap him in his arms and shield him from whatever is making him hurt. Simon lets go of his hand and starts fiddling with the sleeve of his oversized hoodie that may or may not have been Wille’s from college. Wille can’t stand seeing Simon like this. He looks heartbroken, like he did after he stepped up on Wille’s doorstep after he found out about Marcus.

So he wraps his arms around Simon’s waist and Simon leans his head on his shoulder and wraps his arms around him. Simon takes a deep breath, like he’s been holding it for a long time. “I’m not sure how to explain what’s going on, but I…” Simon’s voice trails off and it makes Wille hug him tighter.

“You don’t have to explain anything. I was just worried about you,” Wille whispers and the knot in his chest loosen a little, even if there’s still a voice in his head saying that there’s still something off.

“I know,” Simon says as he leans out of Wille’s hug and sits back down on the couch. “Can we just watch a movie or something? I’m almost done Christmas shopping anyway, online shopping and all,” he shrugs his shoulders and a small smile twitch at his lips.

Wille sits down on the other side of the couch again, even if things seem a little bit back to normal, he still feels like there’s something going on that he can’t explain. There’s still a distance between them, and he’s still not sure if it’s something he’s done or not.

“Sure, what do you want to watch?” he says instead of dwelling more on the chaos inside his mind.

Simon turns on the TV and scrolls through a few Christmas movies, before he stops at Bad Santa and looks over at Wille. It won’t be the first time they watch this movie, they basically watch it every year. And maybe watching a movie he’s seen a million times before is the way to go tonight.

“Put it on,” he says, trying for a smile. Simon presses play before he leans back into the couch. Wille glances over at him, he still looks tired, his eyes don’t shine like they usually do. Simon pulls the blanket closer around him and sinks into the cushions. It doesn’t take too long before his head tips slightly backwards and his eyes half-close.

Wille wants to reach out to brush away the curls that’s falling over his forehead, smooth out the worried line over his eyes – but he doesn’t. He just watches him, hoping that they’ll be alright again soon.

As the credits roll on the TV, Simon’s breathing has evened out. The blanket has slipped a little, and Wille gets up from the couch and tucks it behind his shoulder carefully. He cleans up the pizza box and a few other things scattered around the apartment.

He pauses by the door. Simon’s shoes are thrown one by the wall, the other by the door, a half-empty teacup forgotten on the table. It’s so distinctively Simon it hurts. Wille’s hand tightens around the door knob, he thinks about how easy it would be for him to stay – all Simon had to do is say the words.

His eyes fall on the calendar. Only 10 more days until Christmas, 10 more doors to open. He takes one last look at Simon sleeping on the couch before he walks out as silently as possible. He wonders if he’ll ever stop waiting for Simon to open what’s right in front of him – the calendar, the truth...his heart.

Chapter Text

Simon

Simon stirs and blinks his eyes open. The apartment is dark and quiet, only the small lamp in the entryway lets a dim, golden light in the room. There’s not a sound coming from either inside or outside. He looks around, then his chest tightens. Wille is gone. He sits up too fast, dizziness rushes to his head and picks up his phone before he sinks back into the couch.

04:12. So it was in the middle of the night. He looks around the dark room, and realizes Wille had cleaned up before he left. Simon had thought pretending to be sick yesterday would keep Wille away. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him – he did. It was more that he didn’t know what to do about everything going on inside his body.

Seeing Wille yesterday had hurt. Not because seeing Wille was painful; but because his body wanted more. His mind wanted more. His soul wanted more. And it scared the shit out of him.

He should’ve known better, because Wille always checked up on him – always made sure he was okay. So of course he had come by, and Simon couldn’t just let him go. He had barely slept the whole night, the whole day. But the minute Wille sat on his couch next to him, he’d fallen asleep. Wille was his safe space, his harbour in the storm. Always had been. The only thing was that Simon had been so sure that a friend could be that without it having to mean anything. And maybe for the last years it had been. But not anymore.

His realization from a couple of days ago had been playing in his mind ever since. It had fallen over him like a wave over the beach. He was in love with Wille. But could he risk everything for that?

A car rushes past out on the street, probably someone starting work early. Should he try to sleep some more? His eyes fall on the calendar, and he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep again. But Simon knows one thing. Even if he wants more with Wille, even if he’s still not sure he can risk his heart a possible heartbreak again this soon – he needs to talk to Wille. Because what he had done yesterday, shutting Wille out like that, had been torture.

If he got dressed soon he could probably bring coffee and meet Wille at his house before he left for work. Simon throws the blanket aside – a shiver going through him at the temperature shift – before he gets up and opens door #15 on the calendar. He unfolds the white note and reads.

Write three wishes for the New Year and hang them on the city tree. Wishes are meant to be shared with the sky to come true. Choose wisely!

Simon had read something about this new thing that the Santa land committee had wanted to try this year. It would be fun to check it out. He jumps in the shower and goes through his closet three times before deciding on wearing dark grey linen pants and a white short-sleeved shirt. He would put his black jacket over. Why was he suddenly so observant on what he was wearing?

By the time he’s done, he’s used more time getting ready than he’s ever used before. This was exhausting. He walks fast to the subway and takes the train to the stop closest to Wille’s house. Luckily for him the coffee shop in Wille’s neighborhood was open early so he stops by and buys an out milk latte for Wille and a black coffee for himself. He’ll need the caffeine today.

Standing outside Wille’s door, coffees in hand and the dark December morning surrounding him, he realizes he has no idea what to say. Maybe he should’ve thought about that before he decided to come here. He can see Wille moving around inside through the small window in the door and decides to just wing it. Hopefully he’ll know what to say when he sees Wille.

So he knocks on the door, and waits. Usually he would’ve just walked in, but something stops him this time, he needs Wille to actually want to talk to him. Wille takes a minute to open the door, but when his face peeks through the small window he furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Simon?” he says hoarsely when he opens the door.

“Hey,” Simon smiles and offers him the coffee. Wille takes it slowly but doesn’t move, like he’s frozen to the ground. “Can I come in? It’s cold.”

That seems to shake Wille out of his shock and he steps aside to let Simon inside. A low instrumental melody plays in the living room and the lights are dimmed down making a cozy, relaxed atmosphere. “What…what are you doing here? Are you okay? You do know how early it is, right?” Wille stammers as Simon takes off his shoes and walks into the living room.

Wille’s concerned eyes search Simon’s face, like he’s looking for something that’s not how it’s supposed to be. “I’m okay, nothing’s happened,” he starts, suddenly feeling nervous. But this is Wille – his best friend, the one who’s always there. Wille deserved the truth – at least the parts of it that didn’t mean Simon had to pour his whole heart out at once. “I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I don’t know what happened, but you didn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t have shut you out, I know you were worried. My mind was just being all over the place, and I didn’t completely understand it, and…” he can hear himself rambling, and he’s not even sure if the words coming out of his mouth make any sense to Wille. He’s not even sure they make sense to himself.

“Simon,” Wille’s voice breaks through his rambling monologue. He can feel Wille’s hand on his arm and realizes that Wille has walked closer to him without him even noticing. He looks up and meets Wille’s eyes. The concern is gone, replaced with kindness and warmth. “You don’t have to apologize. We all have bad days,” he continues before he places his coffee cup on the table. When Wille turns back he places both his hands on Simon’s arms, the warmth of it seeps through his body. “Just don’t shut me out, okay? I can just sit with you, we don’t have to talk. But let me be there?”

And because Simon is a stupid, sappy guy, he can feel his eyes tear up at Wille’s words. If there was one thing he could count on, it was Wille being there, which is why he’s not sure if he even can pursue this earsplitting voice that tells him he’s in love with Wille. “I’m sorry,” he manages to whisper without his voice breaking.

“Hey, didn’t I say you didn’t have to apologize? You haven’t done anything wrong, Simon,” Wille says, he smiles and it’s like something has lifted from his shoulders. Like his posture suddenly got more relaxed. This time Wille doesn’t ask, he wraps his strong arm around him and Simon melts into the hug. He takes a shaky breath, breathes in the smell of Wille’s cologne mixed with detergent.

When Wille lets him go, Simon definitely feels better, like a weight is lifted from his shoulders. Everything feels more normal. “I have to leave soon, want me to drive you home again?” Wille asks while he walks around his house to gather everything he needs for work.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just walk,” he answers, because he actually needs a small walk to help him think.

Wille stops what he’s doing and looks at him. “Simon, that’ll take you forever.”

“I’m going straight to work, it’s fine,” he says before he walks out into Wille’s hallway to put his shoes on.

“That’s even further away,” Wille calls after him and Simon chuckles at Wille’s eagerness to drive him. It feels very good to know he has someone who cares about his wellbeing this much.

Simon ties his shoes and takes his jacket off the rack; he puts it on and slings his backpack over his shoulder. “It’s 07.15, Wille. I don’t have my Monday meeting until 09.30. I have time, I want to walk,” he says and places his hand on the door handle. Wille just looks at him for a second before he sighs, and apparently decides to let it go. “Come by my place after work and we can do the calendar? We need to write three wishes for the New Year and hang on the city tree.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” Wille tries one more time when Simon opens the door.

He sends Wille a look to tell him he’s being slightly overprotective here, before he walks out. “I’ll see you later, Wille.”

Then he turns to walk toward the city, he has plenty of time, and it’ll be nice to watch the city really wake up. He doesn’t do that often exactly; he’s too fond of sleeping. But now it feels like a good idea to clear his head. Thankfully the wind has calmed down, and since it’s going to be a cloudy day, it’s not too cold. Simon walks down the sidewalk, feeling surprisingly free and overly unsure at once.

His mind drifts back to the last weeks after the breakup with Marcus. Wille had cared enough to help him get through it by making him this amazing advent calendar (yes, he knows he’s never got it confirmed, but chooses to believe it was Wille until proven otherwise). It had started out with just comfortable friendship, but it had led to something that feels shockingly close to falling.

Marcus had never cared about his heritage, but Wille had seemed so interested, asking questions, actually listening. The hugs, the soft touches, the close dancing, did Wille feel it too? Or was Simon just imagining things? How proud Wille had looked when Simon had told him he’d sent his song to the artist – he can’t remember if Marcus ever looked at him like that.

Goodbye, sunshine. The word had rolled of Wille’s tongue so naturally, but it had felt like something else – something more. Would he ever know if Wille had meant something with it? The almost kiss during the photoshoot, the heat during the concert the next day? It couldn’t have been just nothing? And then the mistletoe, he’d been so sure in that moment that Wille would kiss him. But they had kissed before, so maybe it was just a flicker from the past?

No, it was too many moments for him to ignore. Whatever was happening between them wasn’t fading, it was just getting stronger. Simon wasn’t ready for heartbreak again, but he’s even less ready to let Wille go. “I can’t outrun this,” he says, surprising himself that the words didn’t stay inside his mind.

When he reaches the office, he doesn’t feel any wiser or any closer to the perfect solution. And maybe there isn’t a perfect solution; maybe it’s just throwing yourself out there, hoping the right person catches you. Simon steps into the elevator and feels the knot in his chest loosen a little by every floor he passes. He’s going to work, this is safe. This is something he knows, everything else will have to wait for a few hours.

He knocks on Mrs. Eklund’s door at exactly 09.30 and she calls him to come in. “Good morning, Simon,” she says and flashes him a smile that looks way too bright for a Monday morning. He’s been up for hours and is starting to feel it.

“Morning,” he still manages to say as cheerfully as he can before he sits down opposite her.

She scrolls through something on her laptop, before she smiles and turns it around for him to see. A website from the Santa land committee talking about the “Fortune tree” shines back at him. “We should’ve written this article earlier in December, but we didn’t get the interview until now. I want you to do some research on the idea, figure out if people have actually used it and you have the interview with a committee member tomorrow. I need the article for the next issue, Simon. So you have to work fast here. Start researching and writing the article today and fill in the interview tomorrow.” She talks fast and Simon writes everything down as quickly as he can.

What were the odds for this happening? The same day he gets the write three wishes note in the calendar is the same day he got the article on the “Fortune tree.” Maybe he should play the lottery today?

“Funny thing, I actually has plans to go down to place some wishes on the tree later today,” he says after he’s written down everything she asked for.

“That’s perfect then,” Mrs. Eklund says before she goes back to her laptop and Simon understands he’s supposed to leave. He opens the door when Mrs. Eklund stops him. “Simon, make it short and consistent, one page with pictures max.”

He nods at her and walks back to his desk. This might be the easiest article he’s ever written. For the next couple of hours Simon scans the internet for everything he can find about the “Fortune tree”. If nothing else, he’ll at least have something to brief with to Wille later. His phone vibrates with a text, and he decides to take a break and have some lunch.

Ayub: Wille said you were sick, you alive?

Simon: Yeah, still breathing over here. I don’t know what it was, but it’s gone today.

He can’t get into it over text message so it would have to wait. Suddenly the smell of croissants and coffee is placed under his nose and he looks up to see Rosh’s smiling face look down at him. “Thought you might be hungry,” she says as she pushes her chair over to his desk and sits down with her own food too.

“Thanks, I’m starving actually,” he breathes out. When he thinks about it, he doesn’t think he’s had any food at all today – if not five cups of coffee counts as food.

Rosh takes a bite of her food and studies him for a second before she speaks. “Okay, talk to me. What’s going on? I saw Wille alone at the mall yesterday, he looked like sadness itself. Elina wouldn’t tell me anything; just said I should talk to you. So spill.”

It takes Simon a minute to wrap his head around all of Rosh’s words. Wille had been at the mall, looking sad. Had he gone Christmas shopping alone because Simon stood him up? If he’d felt bad earlier, he only felt worse now. Then suddenly the rest of Rosh’s words hit him. “Elina? What were you doing with her?” A blush creeps up on Rosh’s cheeks and she looks away, trying and failing on hiding her smile. “Oh, I’m supposed to spill, while you’re sitting there blushing? Come on, what did I miss?” Simon continues and points his pen at her.

“Fine, I’ll tell you. But then you have to give me something,” she says and Simon just nods at her. He can give her something, it’s the least he can do. Maybe it can make him see it clearer too. So she tells him about how she’d walked backstage after saying goodbye to him after the talent show. Elina had been sitting on a chair waiting for her brother to drive her to the hospital. They’d got to talking and Rosh had just asked her if she wanted coffee. They had exchanged phone numbers, talked all night and met up at the mall yesterday.

“So, are you guys dating now, or?” Simon asks, and he can’t help how his heart beats faster knowing that Elina might date someone else. He hated how jealous he’d been, how he’d acted towards her, because she really seemed like a great girl.

Just not Wille’s.

“I don’t know. We’re at least talking, and I can’t stop thinking about her,” Rosh says dreamily, her eyes sparkle and Simon can’t help but smile. “Your turn, what the hell happened at the talent show? You seemed so distant?”

Simon opens and closes his mouth a few times. How is he supposed to tell Rosh about what’s going on without admitting that he’s actually in love with his best friend? “I don’t know…I guess I was just nervous. And, I…Ehh…” he stammers, but he can’t find the right words. Why was saying it out loud so hard?

Because then it would make it true, a voice in the far back of his head tells him. And he hates that voice for being right.

“Come on, Simon. Seriously, what’s going on? You’re kind of scarring me here,” Rosh says, her voice sounds concerned now and she places her hand over Simon’s hand.

Fuck it!

“It’s Wille. Things have been weird for some days now, and there have been too many moments for me to ignore. And I don’t know what I should do about it, because I don’t want to lose him, I can’t lose him. I don’t even know if I’m ready…” his voice trails off when he looks up and meets Rosh’s confused eyes.

“Simon, you’re rambling and you’re not making sense,” she says.

Simon takes a breath before he carefully chooses his next words. “I think the lines in our relationship are getting blurry. And I’m not sure if I’m ready to put my heart on the line again.”

He can see the light ignite in Rosh’s brain as he speaks and understanding fills her eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have been waiting for you to see this. You two have always had a special relationship, and I think the lines have always been a little blurred,” she says, and Simon wonders if everyone else has seen it except the two of them. Or maybe it’s just him? Ayub had told him almost exactly the same not that many days ago. “I think I can say with 99% certainty that if you decide to go for it with Wille, he’ll catch you. But if you don’t think you’re ready, give it a few days, try and just act normal. No masks, no pretending, just yourself. And see what happens?”

And if they hadn’t been at work, and Rosh hadn’t just started possibly dating, he could’ve kissed her. Maybe it was that easy? Just see how it felt to just be Simon and Wille, without thoughts and worries. He could do that; he could take a few days and just be himself. “Thank you, Rosh. I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear,” he smiles at her.

They talk a little more about his new assignment and the article she’s working on before he has to go back to work. A few hours later, Simon is done with the outline of his article and only needs a few quotes from his interview tomorrow and a couple of pictures. He would be done by Wednesday. Maybe this meant he could take Friday off? That would’ve been perfect.

Wille: Hey, I’m done for the day. Need to go home and change, my suit isn’t exactly ideal if we’re going to this Fortune Tree. I can be at your place in an hour?

Simon: I’m almost done; I’ll meet you at my place. If I’m not home when you get there, just make yourself at home.

He had never really thought about Wille in his suit before. He was handsome, sure. But now his mind wanders to how nice those suits really fit Wille’s body, hugging him on all the right places. And this was not helpful when he needed to write down the few questions he was supposed to bring to the interview tomorrow. Because how damn good Wille looked in a suit was not one of them.

When Simon walks through his front door a little over an hour later, Wille is already lying on his couch watching TV. He looks up when Simon walks in; Simon thinks how easy he could get used to this. Too easy.

“Hey, I could’ve picked you up, you know,” Wille says before he goes back to watching the TV.

Simon takes off his shoes and jacket before he walks into his own living room. “I know, but I didn’t know how long it would take.” He glances over at Wille for a second. His eyes are locked on the TV, his chest rising in even beats. He looks tired, but also very much at ease. Like being in Simon’s space feels just as much as a home as his own house. Simon opens his mouth to ask if he’s really okay, but changes his mind. “Chess? Really?” he asks instead, when he sees what Wille looks at on the TV.

Wille tears his eyes away from the TV and sends him a pretend shocked expression. “I’m offended. You know it’s chess season right before Christmas, Simon.” And Simon knows that, he had to suffer through it when they lived together at college.

“You just hang out here, I can make some pasta? And then we can do the wishes?” he asks with a small, playful roll of his eyes before he walks into the kitchen.

It doesn’t take more than a couple of seconds before Wille is standing in the doorway. “I can help you?” he says. But his eyes betray him as they keep drifting towards the TV.

“Wille, go. I can make pasta for us,” Simon says while he walks up to where Wille is standing. Wille’s eyes move to him immediately, and Simon sees how the breath catches in Wille’s chest. He stops right in front of him and for a second they just stare at each other. Simon barely dares to breathe; he’s not sure how it will sound if he does. “Go,” he whispers, and turns to walk back to the fridge.

He can hear Wille sigh and clear his throat before he mumbles something Simon can’t catch and walks back to the couch. A smile spreads on Simon’s face, did he really manage to make Wille nearly lose his breath just by standing in front of him? He couldn’t have just imagined that too? 

After they’ve eaten and cleaned up, Simon brings out his notepad and two pens. They sit down at the table and Simon’s brain starts to work. What did he wish for the New Year? Did he wish for Wille? For something more to happen between them than whatever was going on right now? He glances over at Wille, he looks lost in thoughts too, and then he suddenly writes something on one of his notes and folds it up.

Simon looks down at his own empty, white pieces of paper. He would make one wish for his sister. For Sara to become the artist she wishes to be. That sounded like a good wish. The next one he makes is for himself. For someone to use my song. He still hasn’t heard back from the manager, and he’s started to doubt he ever will at this point.

The last one is the hardest. A part of him knows what he wants it to say. He could just write Wille. But then again, it wasn’t something he didn’t have. Wille was his best friend, and if nothing more ever happened, he would still have Wille in his life. Then it’s like his fingers grab the pen and writes without his mind being able to follow. His pen hovers for a second too long, like his hand knew the truth before his heart did, and it needed to catch up. For love to conquer my fears.  

He looks at the last one for a second. Yes, that sounds like a good wish. Simon folds his notes up and smiles to himself. “Are you finished?” Wille asks quietly, like he’s afraid to disturb this weird, bubble Simon had put himself in.

Writing these wishes or fortunes or whatever you want to call them, was oddly satisfying. It made him feel calm and relaxed somehow. “Yes. You?” he asks, looking up at Wille. He holds up his folded notes and smiles.

“Let’s go then,” Wille says and gets up from the chair. They get dressed again and ride the elevator down to Wille’s car. Simon reaches for Wille’s phone as he always does, and puts on some Christmas music, Driving Home for Christmas blasts through the speakers. “So what is this Fortune Tree?” Wille asks when he starts to drive.

“Funny you should ask that,” Simon starts and Wille looks at him with furrowed eyebrows. Simon laughs before he tells Wille that there had been a member of the Santa land committee that had this idea that they could make a part of the city Christmas tree a “Fortune Tree”. People could write wishes or fortunes and hang on it. Christmas was about sharing joy and magic, and what’s more magical than a wish coming true? “It would bring people together and keep the Christmas spirit alive. I think it’s a great initiative. I’m actually writing an article about it at work, so I might do a little research while we’re here.”

“That’s so cool. I love that,” Wille says enthusiastically, and faster than Simon had thought Wille parks the car a block away from the park. The park is filled with people as it always is, and the Christmas lights send a magical warmth over everything. It’s almost a little romantic, and Simon feels his cheeks go warm when Wille walks so close; their shoulders and hands touch.

The Fortune Tree is glowing and filled with beautiful ornaments. And in between there’s notes in every color of the rainbow. Simon admires it as he walks around the tree. There are so many wishes and fortunes and he can’t help but smile. This really is some of what Christmas is about. They find a spot to hang their own wishes and Simon takes a picture of it, maybe he can even make room for an extra picture in his article?

“What did you wish for?” Wille asks quietly as he stands and admires the tree too.

Simon looks at him, the light from the tree throws a warm glow over his face. Some if his blonde hair blown almost into his eye, and Simon stops himself halfway to brush it away, touching something on the tree instead. “Guess we’ll have to wait and see. If it comes true, I’ll let you know,” he says and when Wille looks at him he winks and walks around to the other side of the tree.

This being himself, no mask, no act, was actually working pretty well. He felt light, free. The uncertainty was still lying there, waiting for a weak moment to pop out. But for now, he could just enjoy the good parts of it.  

Maybe he’d been waiting for a big sign, a song, a kiss, something that would make all of it make sense. But the thing was, none of it made sense. And the truth wasn’t grand; it was quieter – because Wille was already there. He always had been.

Chapter Text

Wille

When his alarm goes off, and he blinks his eyes open, Wille can already feel the emotional whiplash from the last few days. He’s not sure if his mind or his heart can keep up – Simon being distant one day, shut down the next, and suddenly on his doorstep the morning after, apologizing with sleep still in his eyes.

Simon hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong. But still he’d felt the need to make Wille feel better by saying he was sorry. Yesterday had been totally different from the last days; Simon had seemed so cheerful and happy. It had made Wille a little unsure at first, thinking when would the bomb drop. But the bomb never dropped, everything had been normal, almost better than normal. 

Visiting the “Fortune tree” had felt almost a little emotional. Coming up with three wishes for the New Year – when all he wanted to write was three notes with Simon on them – hadn’t been the easiest task. But he’d managed to write for the people I love to be happy on one, and for my family to actually come together on another. If he’s being honest, he’s not completely sure if he really wants the last one to come true. But he does wish for a family like Simon’s – warm, caring, loving. So maybe a part of him wishes for it after all.

The last wish had been both the hardest and the easiest. To wish for Simon hadn’t felt right, but to just wish for love to find him had felt too general. So he’d ended up with for love to turn friendship into relationship. Maybe it was cheesy, cliché. But it was also the truth. He wished for Cupid to aim straight this time, that love would find its way to the right person.

His alarm goes off again, and he drags his body out of bed and into the bathroom before he grabs a coffee and drives to work. He has three meetings today, and he’s already exhausted before he’s even started any of them. He doesn’t usually mind meetings, but three in a day means too many voices, too many things to keep straight.

Thankfully, his first meeting is short, and he has time to sit down at his desk for a little bit before the next one. His phone vibrates and he picks it up. His hope for it to be from Simon is blown out the window when he sees a text from his mother.

Kristina: Wilhelm, I need to know when you plan on coming over for Christmas Eve. We are ordering food and need a time to have it delivered.

If he’s being honest, Wille doesn’t even want to go home to his parents for Christmas. He’s barely seen them in forever, and the fact that they order in the food for Christmas Eve just shows how little they really care. He knows how it’ll go: they’ll eat, open one present each, and then his parents will be done – like they always are. Maybe he should just stay home this year?

Wille: I’m not sure yet, I’ll let you know before the weekend.

That gives him a few days to come up with a good enough lie to why he’s not joining them this year. He picks up his notepad and the paper for the next meeting when his phone vibrates with a call. For a second he debates not checking it, it’s probably Kristina calling to yell at him for being difficult, wouldn’t be the first time. But he needs to bring his phone into the meeting anyway, so he picks it up and sees the call is from Simon.

He almost loses everything he’s carrying in his eagerness to answer before it goes to voicemail. “Hey,” he says cheerfully when he manages to press the green button and walks out of his office.

“Hey, I’m sorry to disturb you, are you busy?” Simon’s voice comes over the line. There’s car sounds and people talking around him, so he’s probably outside.

“I’m on my way to a meeting, I have maybe two minutes,” Wille says while he navigates his way to the meeting room, nodding hellos to some colleagues on his way.

There’s a rustling sound and some mumbling, before Simon’s voice is back on the call. “I’ll be quick. Do you have time for lunch today? I heard back from the manager about my song, but I don’t think I can open it alone.”

Wille smiles to himself, Simon wants him to be there when he opens the email. His heart skips a beat, and he has to collect himself for a second before he answers. “Sure, of course. We can meet up at the cafeteria here maybe? I have a big staff meeting I have to attend right after lunch,” he says as he sits down at his seat next to Henry.

“I have an interview now, so I can come by in like one and a half hours?” Simon replies and Wille says that sounds good before he has to hang up. The meeting goes by in a blur of documents and discussions, and one and a half hours later he’s in the cafeteria waiting for Simon.

When Simon walks through the door, snow in his hair and pink cheeks from the cold, Wille looks up and a smile spreads on his face. He can’t help it; Simon always manages to put a smile on his face even without trying. Wille waves at him and Simon makes his way over to him.

“I just did an interview about the Fortune tree, and I hope it stops snowing before tonight, because we’re going to the bonfire in Santa land,” he says as he shrugs off his coat and sits down opposite Wille. He rubs his hands together a few times to warm them, before he looks up.

“Hey, to you too,” Wille teases and Simon rolls his eyes at him. “I just bought some breakfast pie and coffee, I hope that’s okay.”

Simon takes the food Wille offers him with a smile, before he takes a bite. “This is really good,” he says and they eat quickly before Simon opens his laptop. His fingers hover over the mousepad, like he’s unsure if he wants to open the email or not.

Wille gets up from his chair and walks around the table to sit next to Simon instead. He places his hand over Simon’s and gives it a squeeze. “Whatever it says, it’ll be okay,” he says reassuringly.

“Music has always been this huge part of my life. It’s been my therapy, my peace in the chaos. It helps me feel, and gives me a way to show my emotions in a way,” Simon looks at him briefly before he looks back at his laptop. His leg bounces under the table, brushing against Wille’s a few times. “I never wanted to work in the music business, it’s too hard. But now that it’s somehow within reach, it feels like I might lose something if it’s a hard no.”

Wille loves seeing Simon passionate about music; it’s one of the things that made him fall in love with him in the first place. He knows Simon loves being a journalist, but music has always had a special place in his heart. “Music will still be all that for you. And if this is a no, you’ll get another opportunity. If you really want to, you can make this happen for yourself, Simon. I know you can. You’ve always made people feel something when you sing. That won’t change no matter what this email says,” he states and it makes Simon look at him and smile.

“It’s good to know you believe in me more than I believe in myself,” Simon says with a laugh, and Wille wishes Simon could see all the things he sees. His talent, his kind heart, his passion and openess, it’s all things Wille admires so much about him.

“I’ll always believe in you,” he murmurs, and that came out in a way more emotional way than he had planned in his head. But Simon just smiles and clicks on the email, like hearing Wille say it almost made him believe it himself too.

Wille leans a little closer to be able to read what’s written. Their shoulders touch and he forces himself to focus on the screen.

Dear Mr. Eriksson

We’ve listened to your song and it’s a beautiful one. But I’m sorry to say that it’s not our style of music. We did show it to a smaller, local artist who are very interested if you’re still up for it. He wants you to keep in touch and come by the studio after New Year's to tweak at the lyrics. Let me know if you’re interested and I will get you the contact info you need.

Regards, Emma Maltlund

-        Manager

Wille glances quickly at Simon, his face is completely neutral, no emotions showing. It wasn’t the answer Simon was hoping for, Wille is sure about that. But it wasn’t a hard no either. “It’s not a no, it’s just a different kind of yes. Local artist today – Grammy tomorrow,” Wille says jokingly, hoping to lighten Simon’s mood.

For a second a knot forms in his stomach when Simon doesn’t even smile, but then he lets out a small laugh and Wille can breathe again. “I guess you’re right. Do you think I should do it? Talk to the local artist, I mean?”

Wille places his hands on Simon’s shoulder to make him look at him. He needs Simon to really hear what he’s about to say. “Simon, you were so happy when you sent it in the first place. So yes, I think you should at least consider it. But if you feel like it’ll be too much, or you don’t want to get into it, then you shouldn’t do it just because you feel like it’s expected of you.”

The cafeteria is almost empty and Wille realizes he has to go get ready for his last meeting of the day. But Simon looks at him with such intensity that he almost forgets how to breath. So, he’ll be late, no big deal. “Thank you, Wille,” Simon says eventually. “You’re right, I’ll think about it for a few days.”

Simon closes his laptop and places it back in his backpack before he picks up his coat. “I have to go finish my article. But can you pick me up later? We should bring blankets and some extra clothes and stuff like that. Easier to have it in your car than on the subway,” he says while he gets up.

“Yes, of course. Pick you up at 18.00?” Wille asks and starts to clean up.

“Yeah, sounds perfect,” Simon answers before he leans down and gives Wille a quick hug and walks out of the cafeteria. Wille stares after him. They hugged all the time, but never just as a casual goodbye like this. Not that he’s complaining. Simon’s cologne still lingers in his nose and Wille feels like he’s floating back to his office.

The meeting drags out, and Wille thinks he might actually doze off if it doesn’t end soon. He likes his job, he really does. But he can’t get the bonfire with Simon later out if his head, and his brain screams for it to be 18.00 already.

When he walks through his front door after work he makes a quick meal and eats while he digs out his wool sweater, scarf, gloves, beanie and every other warm clothing he can think off. He stuffs two blankets in his car together with another sweater and drives to Simon’s apartment.

Simon emerges from the building looking like he’s on the way to the North Pole and a bag with more blankets thrown over his shoulder. “It’s actually kind of funny that you’re doing this bonfire thing, you hate the cold,” Wille laughs as Simon sits down in the passenger seat.

“Well, it’s the calendar. And also, a bonfire is kind of cool,” he says and puts on his seatbelt. They drive the short way to the park and decide to bring one blanket to sit on and three they can keep around them if they get cold.

Walking into the park is just as stunning as always and Wille thinks that he’ll never actually get used to this. The trees are covered in snow from earlier in the day and the Christmas lights shine through the thin, white layer. Now, the stars blink in the dark sky and the smell of smoke hits them as they walk closer to the bonfire.

There are already a lot of people scattered all around the fire, and they pick an empty spot a little behind the biggest crowd, against a huge tree. “I’ll go get us some hot chocolate,” Wille says and leaves Simon to place out their blanket.

When he comes back, Simon just sits and scans the crowd. He looks peaceful – happy – and Wille stops for a second to just admire him. He can’t help it. When things are like this, so easy, it almost doesn’t feel real. Like he’s dreaming that everything can almost be perfect.

Wille takes a deep breath before he walks over to Simon who greets him with a smile. He hands Simon the cup and sits down next to him on the blanket. “Thank you, your hot chocolate fetching skills are top notch,” Simon says teasingly and takes a sip of his hot chocolate. “Wow, that’s hot.”

Wille looks at him with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah, I rarely buy cold hot chocolate actually,” he jokes and Simon leans his shoulder against Wille’s, almost making him spill his drink. They sit and just look at the orange glow from the flickering flames in silence for a while. A wind blows cold around them and Simon leans closer to him, making their shoulders touch. Wille shifts slightly, enough for their knees to touch too. He pretends it’s for balance, and not because he’s chasing the warmth, the closeness. It’s such a small thing, but it means the world to him that Simon seeks him out to keep warm.

“This is actually very cozy,“ Simon says softly, like he’s afraid to disturb the quiet beauty of the moment.

“It really is,” Wille starts, and then the text from his mom decide to drop down into his mind. “Oh, I forgot to tell you earlier. I got a text from Kristina this morning. She wanted to know when I would be there for dinner on Christmas Eve. She needed to know at what time she should order the food to arrive,” he can hear the annoyance in his voice, but he can’t help it.

A curl blows into Simon’s eyes, and Wille brushes it away before he even thinks about it. He quickly retreats his hand, but Simon doesn’t seem to think too much about it. “What did you say?” he just asks, his eyes filled with something that makes Wille’s heart skip a beat.

“I said I would give her an answer before the weekend. But honestly? I don’t want to go, I’m thinking about just staying home this year,” Wille says. He places his empty cup on the ground next to him and looks up at the sky. When spending Christmas alone feels more tempting than with your own parents, then something is very wrong.

He can feel Simon’s hand on his cheek and his eyes go wide at the touch. Simon pushes lightly on his cheek to make Wille look at him. It’s a shockingly intimate action and for a second Wille is stunned and almost misses Simon’s words. “Come spend Christmas with me then? You know my mom adores you, she wouldn’t mind.” He drops his hand from Wille’s cheek, and it feels like something is missing.

Spending Christmas with Simon? There’s nothing he wants more, but he also doesn’t want to intrude their traditions. He knows how important those are to Simon and his family. “And what about you?” he asks, suddenly feeling brave. Like Simon transferred some bravery through his touch.

“I think you’re okay too,” Simon says and his cheeks turn slightly pink. “It really would be okay. And I would love to spend Christmas Eve with you too.” The pink on Simon’s cheeks turn red and he looks away, suddenly very interested in tugging the blanket closer around him. Did he mean together? No, he was just being friendly.

Suddenly Wille feels excited about Christmas. Maybe he should take the offer? He hates to have to rely on others, but he would also love to have a nice Christmas this year. He’s had enough sucky ones. “Okay, I’ll come with you to your mom’s,” he says and Simon looks at him with a smile that nearly splits his face in two.

Simon rubs his hands together, then blows on them, cheeks flushed from the cold. Wille’s previous bravery still fills his heart, so he takes Simon’s hands between his and holds them inside his own blanket to warm him. Simon looks up at him and Wille’s heart picks up speed again. “You’re always so much warmer than me,” Simon almost whispers. Wille’s eyes dart to Simon’s lips when he speaks and he forces them back to look Simon in the eyes instead.

“You’re welcome to use it anytime,” he murmurs while he keeps tracing circles over Simon’s knuckles. He even surprises himself that it doesn’t make him blush this time. He wonders what would happen if he just stayed like this – no words, just the crackle of the fire and Simon breathing against him.

“Hey, Simon!” someone suddenly shouts, and they nearly jump apart, like they just got caught doing something illegal. Wille feels a flicker of disappointment and a tiny bit of loathing towards whoever decided to break their little moment. They both turn towards the direction of the voice and see Rosh and Elina come walking towards them, and Wille’s loathing is gone.

“I’m sorry, did we interrupt something?” Elina says with a wink when they’re close enough to speak normally. Wille can feel the blush he missed a moment ago creep up his neck.

“It’s fine, you want to sit?” Simon says, but when Wille looks over at him he has a small, shy smile tweaking at his lips and it makes Wille’s heart skip a beat. So Simon had felt whatever pull that had just happened between them too. Why else would he smile like that?

Rosh glances over her shoulder at the bonfire quickly before she looks back. “No, just wanted to say hi. We have our stuff over there,” she says and nods in the direction of where they probably sit.

”Elina, can I talk to you for a second before you leave?” Simon asks after they’re done with the small talk and Rosh and Elina was about to walk back to their spot. Wille glances over at him, but he can’t quite read his expression. Why would Simon talk to Elina alone?

“Yeah, of course,” Elina says and smiles her usual warm smile. They walk a little bit from where Wille now sits a little stunned on the ground. He glances over at them, watching Simon talk and gesticulating with his hands.

He shakes his head, he shouldn’t stare. But he’s curious, so he turns to Rosh instead and nods Simon and Elina’s way. “What’s that about?”

“I don’t know,” Rosh says and shrugs her shoulders like it’s nothing to worry about. And it’s probably not, Wille is known for his overthinking anyway. “How are you by the way? Simon seems better?” she continues and looks him straight in the eyes.

Wille knows how protective Rosh and Ayub are over Simon. They had nearly decapitated him the first time they found out they had kissed because they wanted to know what would happen if he ever hurt Simon. At the time Wille had laughed it off, now he wonders if they ever did the same with Marcus – which they apparently should have.

“Yeah, he seems better,” Wille says; his voice distant. He looks over at Simon again; he’s smiling now, and so does Elina. “And I’m okay. Just been a lot,” he adds when he turns back to Rosh.

She keeps looking at him, like she doesn’t really believe him. “Are you sure about that?” she apparently decides asking and her tone startles him a little. Was he really this bad at hiding his emotions?

He opens his mouth to answer her, but before he gets the chance Simon and Elina come back. Simon’s laugh hits him right in the chest, making a warm aching feeling bloom. Simon really looks like himself again, even the himself before Marcus. It both hurts and makes him happy at once. It’s amazing to see Simon back to his normal self, but it hurts to know he had to change himself to be with Marcus. No one should change Simon, he’s perfect the way he is.

Elina sits down next to Rosh and whispers something in her ear, making Rosh lean closer to her and smile. Simon dumps back down next to Wille and sends him a small smile. His cheeks are a little pink, but Wille isn’t sure of it’s from the cold or from embarrassment.

“What was that about?” he leans in and whispers in Simon’s ear too. He can see Simon shiver and he looks down at his hands, fiddling with the blanket.

The pink turns slightly more red, and Wille is almost convinced it’s embarrassment and not the cold. “I just felt I had to apologize for being so cold towards her. She really is nice, she didn’t deserve that,” he says eventually. And if Wille’s heart didn’t nearly burst with love already, it did now.

Wille takes Simon’s hand between his and looks down on their joined hands. “Oookay, we’re going to go, and leave you two to…whatever this is,” Rosh suddenly says and gesticulates to them with her hands. Elina and Rosh gets up and waves at them before they leave.

They both follow them with their eyes as they walk away, holding hands and leaning against each other, giggling. “They look so happy,” Simon says softly without taking his eyes of them.

“Yeah, guess they just know what they want,” Wille states, he leans forward to pick up another blanket from Simon’s bag at the same time as Simon. They look at each other and smile before leaning back and pulling the blanket over them.

“Must be nice,” Simon murmurs.  

A silence falls over them again; Wille leans back against the tree and tugs the blanket closer around him. A guy brings out a guitar and the small crowd around the bonfire lets out a few quiet cheers. He starts to play and people start to sing along. Simon leans back against Wille’s side, and without even thinking about it he wraps an arm around Simon’s shoulder, pulling him even closer.

It takes a few minutes before he realizes what he’d done, but Simon hadn’t moved away. He’d only moved closer, leaned his head on Wille’s shoulder and was now just looking at the guy playing, humming along to the melody. Wille turns his head slightly, takes a deep breath, and there it is – the smell of coconut and vanilla, the best smell in the world.

When the guy finishes playing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, he scans the crowd for a second before his eyes land in the direction of where Simon and Wille sit. ”You?” the guy with the guitar calls, and points to them. Simon looks confused around before be points at himself and sends the guy a questionable look. “Yes, you won the talent show didn’t you?”

“Ehh…yes?” Simon says hesitantly, and Wille looks confused from the guy to Simon and back to the guy. What was happening?

“Do you know I Want to Dance with Somebody?” the guy asks. And suddenly almost every pair of eyes looks their way.

Simon turns and looks at him, but Wille has no clue on what’s going on so he just shrugs his shoulders. “I do,” Simon stammers eventually.

“Want to come and sing with me? I watched you at the talent show, you’re an incredible singer. I know it’s not a Christmas song, but I just learned it on guitar” the guy continues with a laugh, and now everyone is looking at them expectantly.

Wille can feel Simon tense next to him, and he takes Simon’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “You got this, if you want to,” he says quietly, so only Simon can hear it. The park is almost completely silent, everyone waiting for Simon’s answer.

“Sure. Why not,” Simon says and the crowd erupts into cheers and clapping. He sends Wille a last look before he gets up and walks over to the guy with the guitar. Wille watches them talk a little, the guy showing Simon what key they’re playing in, and then he starts to play.

At first the crowd is quiet, but when Simon starts to sing a few cheers erupts. When the chorus starts the crowd joins in, but Wille is mesmerized. His mouth goes dry, and he couldn’t get a word out even if he wanted to. Simon meets his eyes and smiles through the words.

I need a man who'll take a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last.

Wille’s heart beats faster than sound itself, and his ears are ringing with Simon’s beautiful voice. The song is slowed down, quiet and beautiful for a bonfire. Even if Simon looks at him while he sings, he couldn’t be singing to him, right? But what if he did? He should look away, stop staring like he’s the one being serenaded. But it’s impossible – every note feels personal. Wille grips the grass under him, scared he might float away if he doesn’t hold on to something.

When the song is over the crowd claps, Simon bows and shakes hands with the guy before he walks back to Wille with a big smile on his face. He sits down and Wille pulls the blanket around him before he leans in close to whisper in Simon’s ear. “Do you have any idea how amazing you are?”

Saying something like that would’ve made him blush and be unable to meet Simon’s eyes a couple of weeks ago. But now he doesn’t even feel a little embarrassed. It’s the truth, and Simon deserves to hear it. Wille would scream it from the rooftop if it made Simon believe him.

He can hear Simon’s breath catch in his chest; he looks down and just leans against Wille again without meeting his eyes. For the rest of the bonfire they sit close together, Wille leaning against the tree, his arm around Simon who’s tucked against his side. The guy keeps playing, making the atmosphere almost magical.

The fire starts to burn out, and it’s getting late when they walk back to Wille’s car. The drive back to Simon’s place is filled with a comfortable silence. Swedish Christmas songs play and Simon hums along to the music under his breath. When he parks outside Simon’s apartment building, Wille gets out of the car and follows Simon to the door. He never does that, but tonight it felt like the right thing to do. He’s not completely sure why, but it felt like something had shifted tonight.

“Today was fun. Thank you for being there,” Simon says when they reach the door. He places his hand on the door handle and looks up at Wille.

“Always,” Wille answers softly, and for a second he’s absolutely sure Simon’s eyes dart to Wille’s lips before they meet his eyes again. Had he not been so emotionally whiplashed over the last days he would go for the kiss now. The tension could probably be cut by a knife. But something stops him.

Wille clears his throat and takes a step back. “Call me tomorrow?” he says and starts to walk backwards towards his car. Simon nods and smiles at him before he walks through the door. Wille gets in his car, but he can’t make himself to drive right away. He keeps staring at the closed door Simon had just gone through. Simon’s smile still plays in front of his eyes. This doesn’t feel like just friendship anymore. Maybe his last wish was starting to come true?

Chapter Text

Simon

Standing by the counter, drinking café mocca this morning makes his mind travel back to yesterday. The cup is warm in his hand, a sharp contrast to the cold from the bonfire. The small, soft touches. The quiet tension. Wille's whispers about how amazing he was – warming his hands, holding him close. He can almost still smell the smoke from the bonfire mixed with Wille’s cologne. His chest tightens a little thinking about how he was almost sure Wille was leaning closer right before Rosh and Elina interrupted them.

If they hadn’t showed up right at that second, what would’ve happened? He can feel himself being pulled towards Wille all the time in a way he’s never felt before. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Were they really just friends anymore? And if they were, why can’t he stop smiling when he thinks about how Wille had followed him to the door, something he usually never did? It had almost felt like…a date?

The whole night had felt like something new. Why had it also felt so familiar? Simon shrugs his shoulders to himself. But his heart beats faster when he opens the calendar to see what Wille and he would do today.

Go ice-skating! Just make sure you don’t break any bones.

He picks up his phone right away and finds Wille’s contact. The first thing that shines back at him is the picture Wille had sent him late last night. A selfie they’d taken, sitting close together – Simon leaning against Wille’s side with Wille’s arm around his shoulder. They’re both smiling and he decides to use it as his background picture. A lot of people have their friends as background pictures on their phones, it wasn’t a big deal.

Simon: Ready for ice-skating today?

The walk to the subway feels longer than usual this morning. His mind keeps replaying last night’s bonfire over and over, and then another thought hits him. He hasn’t even thought about Marcus for days, hasn’t heard his voice in his ears, or seen his smile in front of his eyes. He feels lighter, more relaxed. Maybe he was over Marcus? Had he moved on without even realizing it? Maybe this was how healing works – you just wake up one day to realize that the absence of pain felt like a gift.

He skips down the stairs to the subway by the thought of it. Can barely hear the sound of the rustling train because his brain is filled with such relief it drowns out every annoying noise. Walking into work, he can’t stop smiling.

“Someone’s happy today?” Rosh’s voice comes from behind him and he spins around to greet her. “Wow, I took a shot, but that smile definitely backs up my theory. What happened last night?”

He holds the elevator open for her and presses the button when she’s inside. Rosh looks at him expectantly. “Nothing happened last night. But it hit me on the way to work today that, I can’t remember the last time I thought about Marcus. It actually feels incredible.”

A flicker of guilt rushes through him – did he really feel guilty for letting Marcus go? Then Rosh’s expression changes and she sends him a warm smile, and the guilt vanishes. “That is great, Simon. I’m happy you’re doing better about all this,” she says as the elevator opens. Simon can see she wants to say something else, but he excuses himself quickly, saying he has to finish his article and walks over to his desk.

Wille: Ice-skating? You know I suck at ice-skating. But sure, I’ll be there. Maybe we can do dinner at my place after?

Simon: I’ll help you. And dinner sounds perfect.

Simon stares at his phone for a little too long before he shakes his head and locks it. He has to finish this article. So he opens his laptop and reads through what he’s already written about the “Fortune tree.”

Everything sounds good, but there’s like something is missing. After reading through it at least 10 times, typing and deleting and retyping a new ending more times than he can count, he sits back in his chair with a sigh. Maybe he should go through his interview notes again too.

After another hour, he throws his pen on the desk and gets up from his chair. “Hey, Simon. What’s going on? You seem frustrated?” Mrs. Eklund says as she walks towards him on her way back to her office with a coffee cup in her hand.

He looks at her and tries his best to place his professional mask back on. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m almost done with the article, just need a few finishing touches. You’ll get it before I leave,” he says, but his voice waver a little.

Mrs. Eklund holds out her cup to him and ushers him to take it. “You need it. Don’t overdo it, Simon. You’re a great journalist, trust your gut.”

He takes the cup from her with a thank you before he sits back down at his desk. He takes a sip of the coffee and shakes his head, as if trying to restart his brain. He decides to find the pictures for the article first, maybe that’ll just make the ending come to him. So he places a picture of the whole tree in there and one of the committee members next to it. Then the picture he took of Wille and his wishes show up on his phone screen.

His fingers start to type before he even realizes it. The tree can bring people together, give them hope. And maybe it can even give someone something they didn’t even know they needed.

He reads the two lines a couple of times. It sounds like the perfect ending. Maybe it’s personal, but the people reading it might not understand that. And if they do, then maybe it can give them some courage to seek the truth. It’s almost funny how easy it’s been to write about hope, when he’s not completely sure if he understands his own.

After finishing the last touches of the article he sends it to Mrs. Eklund and heads home. He goes through his closet three times to find out what to wear under his winter clothing. If he’s going to Wille’s house after ice-skating he can’t wear just anything. He has to at least look like he's been trying. And why is that even something he thinks about, when he’s never thought about what he’s wearing around Wille before?

He tries on three different outfits before he lands on the first one. Baggy, black jeans and a grey wool sweater. It was cozy, wintery and stylish.

When he walks towards the ice rink, he scans the place for Wille, but he’s nowhere to be seen. So Simon sits down on a bench to wait for him. The cold wind bites a little on his cheeks, and he pulls his scarf a little higher. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I had to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work,” Wille says almost breathless when he comes walking down the sidewalk.

“No problem, I haven’t been here long,” he smiles at Wille before they walk to the desk to rent their skates. Simon glides out on to the ice and makes a small pirouette before he stops and looks at Wille. He stumbles out on the ice, too many layers of clothing, nearly falling three times before he manages to stop.

Simon laughs at the whole scene playing out in front of him, and Wille sends him a deadpanned look. “It’s not that funny, Simon” he says, but there’s no real punch behind the words.

“It is kind of funny,” Simon teases before he takes a few more steps around the rink and stops right in front of Wille. “See? It’s easy. Come on, I’ll show you.”

There’s not too many people out tonight, so they have a lot of space to skate around. Simon holds out his hand for Wille to take and Wille squeezes his hand hard. “You don’t have to break my hand, Wille,” he says and lets out a small sigh of pain.

“Sorry,” Wille mumbles and looks a little embarrassed. Simon smiles reassuringly at him and pulls slightly at his hand. He glides backwards slowly, letting Wille try and follow him. For a few moments it goes really well, and Simon can see Wille becoming a little more confident.

He lets go of Simon’s hand and takes a few steps on his own before he nearly stumbles again. Simon takes a hold of his arm, but Wille falls and drags Simon down with him. Laughter mixed with small sounds of pain fills the night as they lie on the ice, arms and legs tangled together. It’s not comfortable, lying on the hard, cold ice. But for a second Simon doesn’t really want to move, feeling Wille’s warmth so close – it’s almost intoxicating.

Simon untangles himself from Wille (a little unwillingly) and gets back up. He holds out his hand towards Wille who looks up at him and takes it, lets himself be dragged up again. “You make it look so easy,” Wille says when he’s back on his feet.

“I used to go ice-skating with Sara all the time when we were younger. We had this small ice rink right behind our house, so it was an easy activity for us to do,” Simon explains while he glides around Wille a few times.

Wille follows him with his eyes and tries for a few more steps. “You make everything look so easy though,” he says absentmindedly, lost in concentration. Simon can feel his cheeks go slightly pink, but decides to just take the compliment this time.

“Here, hold my hand. It’ll make you more steady,” Simon says after watching Wille stumble and nearly fall a couple of more times. Wille takes it, and for a moment they just glide over the ice, hand in hand. The scrape of skates on ice sounds around them comfortably.

Then Wille gets a little too confident, his skates crash together and instead of letting go of Simon’s hand, Wille drags him down with him again. Wille lands on his back and Simon falls on top of him with a sigh like the breath got punched from his chest. Simon slowly rises his head and suddenly he’s face to face with Wille. Wille’s eyes flicker between his and his lips are slightly parted. Simon can feel Wille’s breath come shallow on his face.

Simon’s heart takes up speed. He’s so close, just a few inches and his lips would meet Wille’s. Wille just looks at him, like he’s waiting for Simon to make the move. It’s like a force pulling him closer to Wille, his heart beats so hard in his chest he’s sure Wille can hear it.

A scream comes through the dark evening and Simon nearly jumps back. He looks around the ice rink, suddenly reminded that they’re not alone in this little bubble they’ve created. “Wille?” a voice comes from outside the rink, and Simon can see Wille spends a moment to realize someone’s actually talking to him.

Wille sits up slowly and looks towards the place where the voice came from. “Samuel, nice to see you,” he says and stumbles to his feet and towards Samuel. Simon sits on the ice, feeling his heart slow down. That had been close, so close. But there had been nothing he wanted more. The realization that he’s over Marcus, all the small moments with Wille. The almost-kisses that’s been happening more than once. What was holding him back? Why couldn’t he just take the next step?

He gets up to his feet and takes a few fast rounds around the ice rink while Wille talks to Samuel. He’s close enough to hear Wille saying goodbye and he stops next to him. “Ready to go home? We don’t want you to end up in the hospital,” Simon teases with a wink.

“Ha, ha…very funny,” Wille retorts, but a smile is tweaking at his lips. “But yeah, let’s go.” Wille holds on to the fence while he stumbles his way towards where they left their shoes earlier. Simon had been a little scared that there would be a weird tension between them after the almost-kiss. But it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. Maybe they both know it’ll happen, they’re just waiting for the right time?

They drive back to Wille’s house, listening to Christmas music and talking about their day. Simon tells him about the article and Wille tries to explain how he had to redo all the numbers from last week’s review – which Simon doesn’t really understand a word off, but he at least listens.

Back at Wille’s house, Simon takes off all his warm clothes and places it on the chair in Wille’s entryway. “I thought we could just make burgers,” Wille says when Simon enters the kitchen. He keeps taking groceries out of the fridge and Simon starts to cut up some vegetables while Wille fries the burgers. The smell of onions and fried meat fills Wille’s kitchen, making Simon’s mouth water. There’s a comfortable silence around them, Simon looks over at Wille; catches him looking too. They smile a shy smile at each other before they go back to what they’re doing. It feels dangerously close to something that’s just not friendship anymore.

They eat and talk about normal stuff, everything feels right. Like it always is when they are just together without any pretending. “I can clean up,” Simon says quickly when Wille starts to gather the dishes. He carries everything into the kitchen, thinking how easy it would be to belong here, and walks over to the fridge to place the Coke back there.

The fridge hums as he closes the door, and his eyes fall to one of the sheets hanging on Wille’s fridge. His wishlist for Santa that they had written together a few days ago. But it’s what Wille has written on it, probably after he left Simon’s apartment, that caught his attention. In Wille’s scribbles – that Simon would recognize anywhere – he can read one word that makes his heart skip a beat.

SIMON.

Simon takes the list down from the fridge and slides his fingers slowly over his name. Wille wished for him for Christmas? Like for them to be together-together or something else?  

For a moment he hesitates, should he just pretend he never saw it and hang it back on the fridge? But will he actually be able to just let it go and not think about it again? If he asked Wille outright, what would he say? Would he get the answer he’s pretty sure will be on Wille’s lips and would make his heart feel whole again, or something that would shock him?

His feet start moving by themselves and he walks into the living room and looks up from the paper in his hand and straight at Wille.

“What’s this?” he says with a small voice. Wille looks up from his phone and Simon can see the color drain from his face. Wille opens and closes his mouth like a fish on land, but no sounds come out. To Simon it’s basically all the confirmation he needs.

Wille gets up from the chair slowly, and walks with slow steps over to where Simon is standing. “It’s…ehhh…I can explain,” he stammers eventually.

But Simon doesn’t need him to explain, he understands what it means. Everything that’s happened over the last 17 days together, mixed with this sheet doesn’t need any explanations. Not anymore. And maybe it is the answer he's been waiting for all along, but it still feels like he’s missing a part of the equation. “How long, Wille?” he asks. Was this as new to Wille as it was to him?

Wille blinks a few times before he answers, like he debates if he should come up with a lie or just say it as it is. “I don’t know, years?” he almost whispers – apparently landing on telling the truth –and Simon’s eyes pop wide open. His brain starts to work overtime to try and see everything he must’ve missed.

“Years? Are you kidding me right now? Years without telling me?” he doesn’t mean for it to come out so high pitched and accusing. But he can’t really control his mind or his voice right now. Wille had wanted more for years?

Wille tries to reach out his hand, but Simon jumps back unwillingly. He can see the hurt starting to shine in Wille’s eyes, but this feeling is completely new to him, and it’s not to Wille. And he’s not so sure how to act right now.

“You’re worth the wait, Simon,” Wille says so soft Simon almost melts right where he's standing. This is the big, pink neon sign he’s basically been waiting for, so why can’t he let his guard down all the way?

He shakes his head and looks down for a second before he forces himself to meet Wille’s eyes again. “You can’t just say things like that,” he mumbles.

For a second the room is completely quiet, the only sound being their rapid breathing and the rush of cars from the road outside. “Why not? It’s the truth,” Wille says with a shrug of his shoulders, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. But it’s not, it’s not obvious too him. Because he’s never felt like he’s worth anyone’s time like this.

“You can’t just tell me you’ve been in love with me for years and… why didn’t you say anything?” Simon’s voice has grown irritated, or hurt, or sad, he’s not quite sure what he’s feeling right now. There’s too many emotions swirling around his body, he can’t make one of them stick. And Wille technically never said he was in love with him, but he doesn’t deny Simon’s words either.

Wille throws his hands up in the air and takes a few steps around the living room. Simon just stays frozen, watching him pace. “You’ve been kind of busy the last couple of years, Simon,” he throws at him. It hits Simon right in the gut. If he knew this years ago, would he ever had gone for it with Marcus? Would he had been without the heartbreak and the terrible feeling that fills your whole body when you learn that someone has cheated on you. When Simon doesn’t say anything Wille takes a few steps closer before he continues, his voice louder now. “And because of this! Because I didn’t want to lose you. Because I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.”

Wille walks even closer, Simon can smell his cologne now and it clouds his judgement. But it’s too many thoughts swimming around his mind, too many emotions in his body. He wants this too, he does. But it’s too intense, he needs to think, needs someone else to tell him that everything can work out.

“I need to leave, I need a moment to breathe. To think. I’m sorry Wille, it’s just a lot to take in all at once,” he stammers, the words coming out fast and he brushes past Wille without looking at him. He can hear Wille whisper his name, knows the hurt and pain will shine in his eyes and if he turns around, Simon will cave. But he can’t cave, if this is going to work out, if they ever can have a relationship more than friendship he needs to take a second to let it all sink in.

Simon puts his shoes on, and grabs his clothes from the chair. A part of him hopes for Wille to stop him, but he doesn’t. He stands glued to the floor right where Simon left him a second ago. Simon feels like the worst friend in the world for leaving like this. But he needs air, he needs to breathe.

So he opens the door, hesitates for a second, before he walks out of there and closes the door behind him. He doesn’t even have to think. He takes the subway straight to Ayub’s apartment. He catches a glimpse of himself in the train window. He looks exhausted. He feels emotionally drained, so it makes sense.

He knocks frantically on Ayub’s door, and for a few long seconds it’s just quiet around him. Terrible, soulcrushing silence. Then Ayub tears the door open and Simon falls apart. What had he just done? Left Wille alone in his house after not even saying he wanted more too? What if Wille thought he didn’t now, and the friendship was ruined?

“Simon, what the hell?” Ayub asks and ushers Simon into his apartment. Simon starts rambling about everything that had happened the last hour until Ayub nearly shakes his shoulders to make him stop. “You’re not making any sense, Simon. Slow down.”

So he sits down on Ayub’s couch, and tells him about everything since he found the list on Wille’s fridge until he ran out the door not that long ago. His eyes burn with tears and he can’t help that a few roll down his cheeks. His chest aches and he’s scared. Scared that he was the one who managed to ruin it, after everything Wille had done for him.

“Simon!” Ayub says and waits for Simon to look at him before he speaks. “I’m actually a little surprised that YOU are this surprised. Everyone knew, man. He looks at you like you’re the center of his universe.”

“Everyone knew? What’s that supposed to mean?” Simon asks quietly. Had everyone known for years, and no one told him? Anger starts to bloom in his chest. Why would his friends do that? That’s not fair, not to him, and definitely not to Wille.

Ayub takes a breath before he opens his mouth to speak again. His voice is calm and Simon can see him working on choosing the right words. “We didn’t know exactly, at least not Rosh and I. But especially the last weeks after Marcus, we’ve seen something change. And deep down I think you had suspicions too, you just didn’t dare to see it.”

He had seen it, felt it - at least the last week especially. He'd just pretended it was nothing, like he did with everything that would bring him happiness. 

“I know you want more too, Simon. You deserve to have someone who looks at you like that. So why don’t you go for it?” Ayub asks next. And it’s the question Simon doesn’t have a really good answer too.

He searches his brain for the right answer, the one that makes the most sense. The one that would make everyone go “aahh.” But it’s nothing. “What if we go for it, and then it’s not working and the friendship is ruined? I can’t live without him in my life?” he says after a while. It's the most cliché answer ever, but it’s all he’s got.

It's what he's afraid of. It's what's been holding him back. He can see that now. He can’t lose Wille.

Ayub places his hand on Simon’s shoulder and smiles. “Simon, you and Wille will always be in each other’s life. You will figure it out if it doesn’t work,” he says softly before he tilts his head to the side. “But what if it works?”

The words make sense. What if it works? What if they could both be happier, together? But Wille had wanted this for years, he’d looked at Simon like he’s the only one out there. How was he supposed to live up to that? “How am I supposed to live up to years of him placing me on a pedestal?” his voice comes out small and defeated, and he looks down on his hands.

“You don’t have anything to live up to. He loves you, Simon. There’s no other way to say it. He wants you to be you, nothing more, nothing less,” Ayub says softly, and Simon lets the words sink in. Wille loved him. There was no other way to explain it.

Then why was he still sitting here on Ayub’s couch, instead of in Wille’s arms drowning in those beautiful eyes? Why was he still here crying over something he technically hadn’t lost yet?

The fire inside him has ignited, because there are no answers to his internal conflicts other than that he needs to be with Wille. “I have to see him,” Simon suddenly hears himself say. It wasn’t a thought anymore – it was instinct, like his body knew before his brain could catch up. He looks up at Ayub so quick his head starts to spin for a second. Then he rushes out of Ayub’s living room to put his shoes on, and is nearly out the door when Ayub stops him.

“I can drive you,” he says with a smirk before he grabs his keys and they both almost run out of Ayub’s apartment.

The drive feels like an eternity. He needs to see Wille, to tell him that he wants the same. That whatever had been going on between them was real for him too. To reassure him that if it turns out it won’t work, they would still figure it out. Because it was the two of them, always.

“Want me to wait?” Ayub asks when he parks outside Wille’s place. The house is dark, and there’s a weird silence around it. It has started to snow too, and suddenly Simon isn’t exactly sure how to proceed.

He shakes his head, and opens the door. “No, it’ll be fine. Thank you, Ayub,” he says before he gets out and closes the door. He can hear Ayub pull out of the driveway and suddenly he’s left alone in the dark.

The thin white layer crackles under his shoes as he walks slowly towards the door. Simon takes a deep breath – his breath clouding in the air – to try and brace himself. He has no idea what will meet him. Anger? Hurt? Relief? Love?

The door is locked, so he knocks and waits. But Wille doesn’t open, there’s no movements inside the house. He knocks again, maybe Wille had gone to bed? But still no sounds comes from the house. He walks around to Wille’s garage and peeks through the window.

A new kind of cold spreads through him – one that has nothing to do with the falling snow or the wintery breeze. The car is gone too, where was he? Were they still just friends – after everything that had been said? Had he lost it before he even got it?

Simon quickly digs out his phone and opens Wille’s contact.

Simon: Where are you?

Chapter Text

Wille

Was seeing the person you’re in love with walk out on you after he finds out you’ve been in love with him for years a good enough reason to call in sick for work? Wille debates it for three snoozes from Felice’s alarm before he decides it’s not. Which, of course meant he’d be late today.

When Simon had said he needed to leave last night, it had felt like he'd ripped Wille’s heart out of his chest and taken it with him. The world had felt grey, every color was gone. The dark had taken over the light, and Wille had felt so empty he’d just fallen to the floor.

He hadn’t cried – maybe he’d been in some kind of shock. It wasn’t exactly the way he wanted Simon to find out that Wille had actually been in love with him for years. But he'd totally forgotten about that stupid wishlist. He’d kept it on the fridge as a reminder of what he never wanted to lose. But in the end it had turned out to be the reason he lost it after all.

No, he hadn’t lost Simon. He couldn’t have. He wouldn’t survive that. But he hadn’t been able to stay home. His house still smelled like Simon, he could picture Simon in every room. How his shy smile while cutting the onions had made Wille almost lose his breath. How Simon always sat on the right side of the couch. How he always scattered his clothes all over the house like he owned the place. How his toothbrush was always red and Wille’s was always blue.

So he packed a bag and fled his own house. The place that was supposed to be his safe place was now one of the places where he didn’t feel like he belonged anymore. He drove to Felice’s, knocked on her door – and the moment she opened, concern in her eyes, he started to cry.

She’d held him through it, stroked his back and just listened as he rambled about everything that had happened. He told her everything; how Simon had looked so surprised but also a bit hurt. How his voice had almost sounded frustrated when he asked why Wille hadn’t said anything before – like years ago maybe. How he never even said if he felt something too.

That was the worst part, he’d just left. What was Wille supposed to think? At the ice rink earlier he’d been so sure Simon was about to kiss him. His heart had been beating so fast and he’d barely been able to breathe. His hands had been shaking slightly and when Samuel called his name he had to restrain himself not to yell at him to get the fuck out of there.

But everything had seemed normal again right after, and the dinner had been as familiar as it always was. So Wille had been so confident that his dreams and hopes were actually coming true. Then the bomb had dropped and everything he’d ever believed in was gone. Dragged through the mud and stepped on.

Felice had looked at him with glassy eyes too, held his hand while he talked. When he was done she’d stayed quiet for a minute before she spoke. Telling him that she was absolutely sure that Simon would come back, that he was just overwhelmed and needed a minute to let it sink in. Simon wouldn’t just leave and not try and fix this again, that wasn’t who he was. “He loves you, Wille. Just give him time.”

But Wille had given him time – years to be exact. And now when it was actually within his reach, he let it slip away. Because he wants to believe that Felice is right – she usually is. But this time he has a hard time actually believing her. His mind is tired because of lack of sleep and his heart is missing. Lying broken in the gutter somewhere in Stockholm.

“Wille, if you’re going to make it to work, you need to get out of bed,” Felice says softly as she peeks her head through the door of her own bedroom. He growls at her and drags the pillow over his head. “And remember to turn your phone back on. I don’t even know why you felt the need to turn it off.”

That’s right, he’d turned his phone off on the way to Felice yesterday. At the moment it had felt like a way to try and control something. He didn’t want to possibly have to pick up a call or answer a text, risking that anyone else found out that he was breaking apart. But now it might be smart to turn it back on, he had to get to work and he needs his phone there.

He turns it on and waits for all the notifications to come through. Then his heart picks up speed when he sees a text from Simon.

Simon: Where are you?

It had been sent pretty late last night. Had Simon come back to his house? Why would he do that? To shut him down even more, or try to fix things? What if Simon came back to tell him he wanted the same thing as Wille?

A panic rises in his chest. What could’ve happened if he’d stayed home?

“Felice,” he says loud as he stumbles out of her bed and into her kitchen. He shoves his phone in her face making her take a step back to be able to actually read what he’s showing her.

She smiles before she goes back to beating the eggs for whatever she’s making. “Answer him, he’s probably worried,” she just says shortly. And what is Wille supposed to do with that? She was supposed to tell him exactly what to write. How was he supposed to come up with a good enough answer on his own?

“What should I say, Felice? It hurt, when he just walked out like that. I want to talk to him, so bad – but I also don’t want too,” he pleads for her to help him out.

She looks at him before she puts down her whisk. “You want to still do the advent calendar, right?” she asks, and Wille hasn’t even thought about that. The stupid advent calendar. Would Simon still want to do it together? Would Wille? Of course he did, he’s a man of his word. He will ride this one out, he has too. So he nods at her slowly as an answer for her question. “Then tell him you’re here, we can do the calendar at my kitchen after work and invite everyone. It might be easier than for you to do it with him alone?”

That sounds like the most promising plan. Because in his head there’s just a big, complete chaos right now, leaving no room for reasonable thinking. Felice ushers him out of her kitchen to get ready for work and he texts Simon back before digging around his bag for some clothes. Luckily, he has no meetings today, so no suit.

Wille: went to Felice’s and stayed the night.

Simon: Wille, I’ve been so worried! Why didn’t you text me back?

Wille: turned my phone off. Sorry

Simon: I’m sorry. I really want to talk. Still up for doing the calendar?

Wille: Felice says we can do it here and invite everyone. Could be nice – it’s almost Christmas, after all. I can buy what we need after work.

Simon: OK, I guess that can work. I’ll see you later.

Wille knows that this was him basically telling Simon that he’s the one behind the calendar, since Simon didn’t even have to say what the activity was for him to know. But he doesn’t care anymore. Simon had probably figured it out a long time ago. So Wille is done pretending – done hiding. Let him know, he literally opened his heart wide open yesterday. The calendar isn’t that big of a deal anymore, at least not to him. It’s not that many days left after all, and all he wanted was to help Simon move on from Marcus. Hopefully he was able to at least do that.

He gets dressed and packs up his stuff before he walks back into Felice’s kitchen. “He said it was ok. I’ll talk to Henry and buy everything we need to make the chocolate figures after work,” he says as he pours himself some coffee and grabs a banana.

“Sounds good, I’ll record some and use it for my blog. It’ll be great content,” Felice exclaims, and her cheerfulness is a little too positive for Wille right now. So he tells her goodbye before he drives of to work.

Wille basically locks himself in his office all day. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone – at least not anyone at work. The one person he wants to talk to, is also the person he’s not sure he can talk to without completely breaking apart. Could he really be able to stand there and look at Simon if the reason for why he came back last night was to tell him that he didn’t feel the same after all? Would they be able to still have the same friendship they’ve always had?

Positive thoughts aren’t exactly his strong suit, so his brain makes up every bad scenario it can come up with. It matches the ache in his chest, the knot in his stomach and his terribly bad work performance today. He opens the documents he’s supposed to go through, then stares at them until every word blurs into black dots on the screen.

He has to get this done – it’s the bare minimum he owes today. And since he’s already taken tomorrow off, he doesn’t really have a choice. He wanted to be ready for tomorrow’s advent calendar activity, and taking the day off had been planned since December 1^st. Now, he’s not so sure he wants to do it. But that’s tomorrow’s problem, Wille, he tells himself. He has to torture himself through today first.

He tries to focus on the computer screen, forces his brain to shut up, and turn on work mode. When his phone vibrates it’s like everything is forgotten, he grabs it and feels a hope bloom in his chest for it to be from Simon. Then everything comes rushing back, and he almost puts his phone away without looking at it.

This was starting to get exhausting!

He unlocks his phone to see the text is from his mom asking again about Christmas. He still hasn’t told her about spending Christmas with Simon, but did that offer still stand now? It didn’t really matter, if he didn’t go to Linda’s house, he would just stay home.

His fingers hover over the phone screen, not sure what to type in there. Then his chest starts to tighten, and it feels like he can’t breathe. Wille throws his phone on the desk and clutches his chest, trying to ground himself. His breathing comes short and his heart is racing. It wasn’t his first panic attack, his mom was good at giving them to him without even knowing she did.

He also knows the fastest way to make it go away. The problem is that Simon isn’t here.

A part of his brain catches that the door to his office opens and someone comes rushing towards him. But it takes him a minute to realize that it’s Henry. “Wille?” Henry’s voice sounds like it’s miles away, but he can feel Henry’s hand on his shoulder. “Breathe, Wille.”

He's not sure how long it takes, but he can feel his heart slowing down and his breathing even out after a while. The ringing in his ears quiets down and his eyes start to focus on Henry’s concerned face in front of him. “You’re okay,” Henry states softly, but his eyes show how worried he is.

Henry drags the chair from the other side of the desk over to where Wille sits and sits down too. “What’s going on, Wille? Talk to me,” he continues slowly and Wille can feel his body relax again.

He hesitates for a second, but then he just tells Henry everything. What was the point in hiding anymore? How Simon had looked at him last night, his voice wavering, running out of Wille’s house, then probably coming back when Wille had left. How Simon had said Wille could celebrate Christmas with him but now he didn’t know. And his mom’s text that of course had brought everything over the edge. “We’re supposed to make chocolate figures today. We’re doing it at Felice’s and inviting everyone. So please come. And I have to finish this work, but…” his voice trails off and he reaches for his phone, but Henry stops him.

“Wille, look at me,” he says and waits for Wille to look up and meet his eyes. “First of all, I’ll drop by Felice’s after work. Second of all, I’m 100% sure Simon just needed a little time. You two are way closer than you feel like right now. And third, you don’t owe Kristina anything. So just tell her you have other plans this year. She doesn’t even need to know what they are.”

Wille lets Henry’s words sink in for a second. It probably was that easy, but his mind was used to overthink everything so it was nice that someone just told him exactly what it was. “Thank you. I’m sorry for…whatever this is,” Wille says with a small laugh and looks away feeling a bit embarrassed.

Henry squeezes his shoulder and gets up. He stops in the doorway and turns back to where Wille now sits with the phone in his hand and Kristina’s contact open. “And Wille,” Henry begins, and Wille looks up at him. “Send me the files, I’ll fix it tomorrow. Go home!”

He runs out the door before Wille has time to even start to protest. Wille sits at his desk, mouth slightly open for longer than what’s probably normal. What had he done to deserve friends like this? For once he actually does as asked right away. He sends the files to Henry, locks his computer and puts his jacket on before he leaves the office and texts his mother on the way to the car.

Wille: I have other plans this year, don’t count me in on the food. I’ll drop by with gifts before the 24^th.

He knows Kristina will call and yell at him anytime now. But he won’t deal more with her today, so voicemail it is. He has enough on his mind; he doesn’t have to add her disappointment in the mix.

Outside the sun is actually shining, and he stops outside the store to just soak it up. Then he buys everything they need to make chocolate figures and drives back to Felice’s apartment. The smell of freshly made pizza buns hits him the minute he opens the door, and Wille realizes he actually hasn’t eaten anything other than the banana he grabbed from Felice’s kitchen this morning.

“This smells amazing,” he says when he walks into her kitchen. He tries to grab one, but Felice smacks his hand away. “Ouch. What was that for?”

Felice covers the buns and starts on the dishes. “It’s for later when everyone is here. Did you tell everyone when to be here?”

Wille opens and studies her fridge for anything he can eat before everyone gets here. He hadn’t told them anything. The thought of texting Simon had been hard enough.

When he doesn’t answer, Felice stops what she’s doing and looks at him. “Wille! You haven’t been dumped here, okay? You don’t know what Simon did after he left yesterday and why he came back,” she begins. Wille sits down, and she sits down next to him at the kitchen table. “There’s no guidebook to healing. Simon hasn’t been ready, this is new to him. Maybe not completely new, but him realizing it is new. He just found out that it’s nowhere close to new for you. You can’t give up on him because of this, listen to what he has to say, you owe him that.”

Why did Felice always have to be right? He hates it. She’s the one friend who’s completely real with him, whatever it is. And he loves her for it.

He digs his phone out reluctantly and ignores the smug smile on Felice’s face as best as he can.

Wille: Henry drops by after work, Felice and I are already at her place. When do you think you guys will be here?

Simon: Ayub picks me up in an hour and then we’ll pick up Rosh and Elina. If that’s okay?

Wille: Sounds good

For the next couple of hours Wille paces Felice’s apartment until she orders him to sit the fuck down before she’ll go crazy. The clock goes by insanely slow and he can feel himself get more and more stressed by every crucial minute. What would meet him when they opened the door and Simon walked in? Would he feel relieved, hurt, angry, happy?

When there’s a knock on the door his heart starts to race, and he searches his brain for words to say out loud when he opens. Three smiling faces and one very unsure one meets him outside the door and he lets them in with a small “hello”.

“Hey guys,” Felice says cheerfully as she emerges from the kitchen. “I’ve baked pizza buns, thought everyone might be hungry after work. And then we can make the chocolate thing after?”

Everyone agrees and walks into Felice’s kitchen chatting and laughing like everything is completely normal. Except Simon. He hangs back and grabs Wille’s hand as he tries to catch up to the rest of the group. Wille turns to look at him and what meets him is exactly what he’d hoped wouldn’t.

Simon looks at him with pleading eyes and a look on his face that would make Wille basically do anything for him. He hates how his body reacts to Simon being sad, it’s like he can’t stand it. He wants to do anything to put a smile on Simon’s face. Simon’s hand on his is warm and he’s acutely aware of it, so aware that his brain nearly shortcuts. “Can we please talk?” Simon asks quietly, his voice sounds small and sad and Wille’s chest aches by the sound of it.

But he’s not sure if he’s ready, not yet. “We should join the others. I haven’t eaten today, and I'm starving,” he manages to stutter and he hates how his words make Simon look almost desperate.

Wille pulls his hand slowly away from Simon and turns to walk towards the kitchen. “Wille,” Simon whispers behind him, but Wille walks away this time. He will talk to Simon; he has to – because this is torture. But not right now.

Everyone is gathered around Felice’s table and Wille sneaks past everyone and takes the seat next to Felice. He doesn’t mean to create more space between Simon and him, but he has to. For now.

They eat, but Wille and Simon doesn’t speak much. Henry comes in and shoots Wille a “are you okay?” look. Wille smiles at him and nods lightly before he goes back to his food. He can see Henry isn’t completely satisfied with the answer, but he takes it for now.

Wille can feel Simon looking at him a few times too. His eyes burn on his face but Wille just can’t make himself meet them. He needs to be allowed to be hurt and confused for a little while longer, also, he has no idea what to actually say.

After the dinner is cleaned up, Felice puts up her phone to record the chocolate making for her blog. Wille makes sure to stay by Felice’s side, furthest away from Simon. He’s not sure if he even makes one chocolate figure, because he just can’t concentrate. Especially when Simon comes over to him and places his hand on Wille’s back. Wille turns to look at him – it’s instinct, he’s always drawn to Simon. “Please?” Simon pleads, nothing else needs to be said anymore.

“I…I need to finish this,” Wille says and turns quickly back to his chocolate mess in front of him. He can’t look at Simon without almost falling apart, how is he supposed to talk to him?

Simon turns and walks back to where he stood a minute ago. Wille glances over at him, and sees Simon saying something to Ayub who sends him a look that says “I’m sorry.” Wille wants to scream, to throw the chocolate around. He can’t collect his thoughts, it’s too much.

“Just talk to him, man. This is so awkward for all of us,” Henry comes over and whispers in Wille’s ear. Wille looks at him, then at Felice who nods at him like she heard what Henry just whispered and is agreeing.

So Wille throws whatever he’d been trying to make on the counter and walks out of the kitchen. Basically he just walks out to wash his hands in the bathroom and to get out of the stares and the heavy air. But he can hear footsteps following him, and he already knows it’s Simon before he turns around to see him.

“Wille, we need to talk. This is torture. Please,” Simon says and his voice breaks at the last word. His eyes are glassy and Wille just wants to wrap him in his arms and say everything will be okay, they can forget about all of it. But he doesn’t, and he can’t.

He nods lightly, and follows Simon through Felice’s bedroom, and out onto her balcony – grabbing an extra jacket from the back of Felice’s couch where he placed it earlier. The sun has gone down, and the air is cold. But Wille already feels emotionally cold, so he keeps the jacket in his hand, not ready for its comfort yet.

For a moment there’s just silence between them, the only sound being from the cars rushing by on the road under them. So Wille just stands there, looking down on his feet drawing circles in the snow.

“Wille, please look at me?” Simon starts and something in his voice makes Wille look up. His heart clutches in his chest by the sad look on Simon’s face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have ran out like that. It wasn’t okay and I hate myself for it, and I guess you do too or you wouldn’t avoid me all day.”

Wille opens his mouth to protest, he could never hate Simon. It wasn’t in his nature. But Simon stops him. “Can you let me talk? Please?”

That’s probably smarter then for Wille to talk. Because he doesn’t know what to say, so it would just be noises coming out of his mouth anyway. So he nods and tries for a smile that probably looks more like a grimace.

“Everything that happened last night got a little thrown at me. I’ve been feeling something shift between us for days now, and it scared me. When you said years, I got terrified and also mad. Mad at myself for not seeing it, because that’s a long time of heartbreak, Wille. And I would never want you to go through something like that,” Simon’s voice wavers a little between the words, and he takes a small step closer – like he’s testing the waters. Wille stands frozen, absorbing every word, every sound. Simon had felt something shift too, and it feels very good to know he hasn’t been imagining things because he wanted it to be like that. And of course Simon would be mad at himself because Wille had been an idiot and not told him he was in love with him – which makes absolutely no sense to Wille.

Simon clears his throat and places his arms around his chest like he’s hugging himself. Wille wants to reach out, but he needs to hear more. Simon takes a shaky breath before he speaks. “Love is like a kaleidoscope. It’s not just one thing. It’s everything. The small things and the big things, it’s the words and the actions. The things you don’t think about right away but realize later. It’s the big, grand things that everyone can see." Simon takes a small pause, his eyes locked on Wille’s. "I want all that too, Wille. This is new to me, it’s not to you. And it scares me that I might not be able to live up to how you’ve imagined this to be for years.” Simon shivers, and Wille takes a step closer without even thinking about it, drapes the jacket he holds around Simon’s shoulders.

Suddenly they are close enough that Wille can almost feel Simon’s breath on his face. His heart beats hard in his chest and his hands still hover at Simon’s shoulders. Then Simon’s words reach the part of his brain that dissects everything Simon says. He wanted that too, wanted this too?

“Wille, the last days I’ve felt something I’ve never felt before,” Simon almost whispers now and a shiver goes down Wille’s spine. Not from cold, but from anticipation, realization, a new ignited hope. “I thought I knew how it felt to be loved, but I didn’t. Not until I actually thought about all the things you’ve done for me, small and grand. Not until I learned that everyone knew, except me.”

What happens next Wille wishes someone had taped, because he’s not sure he’ll remember it later. Because Simon stops talking and leans up to let his lips meet Wille’s. It’s slow, quiet, unsure. The world stops and everything around him disappears. Because even if he’s kissed Simon before, it was never like this. Simon tastes like chocolate and something that’s just Simon. Wille’s lips tingle and he closes his eyes and let’s his arms slide around Simon’s waist where they belong. He pulls him closer and Simon reaches up to place his arms around Wille’s neck.

Simon parts his lips slightly and Wille deepens the kiss. He can’t feel the cold anymore, doesn’t even care about it. Because this is what he’s been dreaming of, praying for, hoping for.

“It was about damn time,” he can hear Henry say, and Wille pulls back slightly to be able to look the way where the voice came from. All of their friends stand smashed together in Felice’s doorway with huge smiles on their faces.

“It was starting to be unbearable to be honest,” Ayub agrees, and Wille sends them a shy smile before he looks back at Simon. His cheeks are slightly pink, but his eyes are shining, not wavering away from Wille’s for a second.

So Wille goes for the second kiss, he doesn’t care that their friends are watching. He would kiss Simon anywhere if he’d let him. Show it in everyone’s faces, that he was lucky enough to kiss Simon Eriksson.

A few cheers sounds from the small friends group and Wille can feel Simon smile into the kiss. It makes Wille smile too, and a giggle escapes his throat. But then Simon kisses him again, and everyone and everything is forgotten. Somewhere far away he can hear the group walk back inside, talking and laughing. But Wille could stay out here all night, if it meant he could keep kissing Simon.

“I should’ve done this yesterday,” Simon whispers and leans his forehead against Wille’s.

Wille pulls him closer, he didn’t think it was possible, but it is. “It’s okay, Simon. I get it, I do. It was painful, I can’t deny that. But I understand,” it’s the first words he’s spoken in a long time now. And it feels good to feel like he actually means them. He does understand, Simon just needed time to let it sink in. It makes total sense.

“When I went back to your house yesterday and you weren’t there, I was so scared. And when you didn’t answer my text? I didn’t sleep all night, I was terrified that I had lost this before I even got it,” Simon says, his voice sounds so small Wille’s heart breaks a little for him.

He places his finger under Simon’s chin and push slightly to make him look at him. “I’m sorry,” he says before he leans in to kiss him again. He could kiss Simon whenever he wanted now, no hesitations, no uncertainty. Just Simon. His Simon. “Come, let’s go back inside before we freeze to death,” Wille laughs and takes Simon’s hand.

They walk back into the kitchen where their friends still make chocolate figures. Laughter fills the air and this time Wille makes sure to stand as close to Simon as he can. Their fingers touching at every possible opportunity trying to make the melted chocolate into Santa's, stars and other Christmas figures.

When there’s barely any chocolate left, Wille takes some of it and smudges it on Simon’s face. Simon looks shocked at him, but Wille can’t hide his smile. Everything finally feels full, his heart is whole for the first time in forever. Maybe they still have things they need to talk about, but for now everything is perfect. Then he can feel something warm down his nose and he looks at Simon’s who takes a step back and tries to hide his giggles. “Oh, so this is how it’s going to be?” Wille teases before he dips his finger in the chocolate and chases after Simon who runs laughing into Felice’s living room.

“Don’t you dare get chocolate on my couch,” he can hear Felice yell after him, but for some reason he doesn’t really care. Fuck it, he’ll buy her a new couch, he can afford it.

Simon runs around the couch and they both stop on each side of it, smiling, eyes shining, hearts beating. Wille leans over the couch, thinking his arms are long enough. But then Simon catches his hand and places Wille's finger in his mouth to lick the chocolate off. Wille’s eyes pop wide open, his breath catches in his chest, and his mind goes blank for a second. “Fuck, Simon. You can’t do that,” he says, his voice almost breathless.

Simon is the hottest, most beautiful, perfect human being Wille has ever laid his eyes one. He wouldn’t be human if he hadn’t thought about what it would be like to be close to Simon that way. But this, after the rush of emotions the last two days, is on another level.

“Then come and stop me,” Simon teases, and if Wille could jump high enough, he would jump over the couch right now. But instead he uses his other hand to grab Simon’s wrist that still holds his hand and pulls him towards him. Simon falls on to the couch with a surprised laugh and Wille has enough time to walk around to pin him down on it.

“Okay, this was not what I signed up for, guys. Get a room, and not in my apartment,” Felice's voice breaks through their laughter and Wille lets Simon go.

“Sorry, Felice,” he says, looking slightly embarrassed. She goes back to the kitchen and Simon sits back up on the couch.

Simon looks up at him and smiles and Wille’s heart skips a beat. Simon had always been able to make his heart race, but now that everything has changed it felt euphoric. “I do think I should sleep at my place tonight though, I don’t want things to go too fast the first day. If that’s okay?” Simon says softly.

“It’s okay, Simon. I agree,” Wille answers, and again he feels that the words are completely true. He’d been waiting for Simon for so long, he didn’t want to rush it. He wanted to just enjoy whatever this was. They hadn’t even talked about being boyfriends, it was nothing Wille wanted more, and it felt more and more like it every minute. But for now he just lives in the moment.

When Wille lies in his bed later, he can’t stop smiling. He’d driven Simon home, followed him to the door like he did after the bonfire, but this night he’d kissed him. Long enough for him to feel breathless, and for the smile to be plastered on his face ever since.

He's looking forward to tomorrow’s activity now, more than ever before. He had already talked to Simon’s boss – they both had the day off. It would be the best weekend ever.

As he falls asleep his lips still tingle from Simon’s kiss and Simon’s cologne still lingers in his nose.

Chapter Text

Simon

Simon blinks his eyes open and lies still in his bed, just listening to how the outside world has probably been awake for a while. He loves waking up without the need of his alarm; it meant the day would usually be quiet.

When Mrs. Eklund said “see you Monday” when he left work yesterday, Simon had just looked at her like a question mark. He hadn’t asked for today off, at least not that he could remember.

“Why not tomorrow?” He’d asked curiously.

Mrs. Eklund had just smiled at him and told him he would find out today. So he’d gone to Felice’s thinking he would ask Wille about it, but then it had kind of slipped his mind. Because when Wille opened the door and couldn’t even look at him, Simon had felt like his world was falling apart. And everything was his fault.

He'd left Wille alone – after Wille had basically opened his heart wide open – without a word about how he felt. So he could understand why Wille had avoided him yesterday. It made sense, because Wille probably believed that Simon didn’t feel the same.

It had been torture. He’d thought he’d felt heartbreak after Marcus, but that had been nothing compared to what it felt like when Wille didn’t want to talk to him, not look at him, not even stand next to him. Yesterday had been one of his worst days ever, but also the best.

Because standing out on the balcony, placing his heart in Wille’s hands, just praying that he hadn’t lost everything yet had been nerve-wracking. But in the moment Simon had felt confident. Confident that Wille would catch him.

And catch him he did. His whole body burned with every kiss, every move of Wille’s hands on him. And he still can’t believe why he hasn’t seen it before. He must’ve been so blind, not only about Wille, but about himself. Because how had he not felt how drawn he is to Wille before now?

Lying in bed, smiling from ear to ear, he has no answer. And he’s not sure if he’ll ever find one. But does it really matter? The important part is that it may have taken him forever to figure it out, but at least he did.

Simon stretches his arms over his head and sits up in his bed. His jaw is starting to hurt, because he just can’t stop smiling. He’s replayed every kiss from last night a million times – and he can’t wait for a million more. He wants to hold on to the glow from last night a little longer, but curiosity tugs harder.

So he swings his legs out of the bed and nearly runs for the calendar. What made today’s activity so important he had to take the day off? He reaches for door #19, but then he hesitates. If the activity would take all day, what if Wille didn’t have the day off? Did it mean Simon had to do it by himself?

No, he should at least figure out what it was before starting to spiral about it. So he opens the door – realizing that it’s bigger than the others – and takes out the purple note. Attached to the note is a key, and his brain starts to work. Why would he need a key?

Simon unfolds the note and reads: Roadtrip! The cabin in the mountain awaits you for the weekend. Cozy up in front of the fire, have a snowball fight, make good food, just relax. You have the day off, so just pack (remember to bring me) and go.

A weekend trip? That actually sounds like everything he needs right now, just to relax after everything sounds perfect. Wille better have the day off too, because Simon is definitely not going alone. And since it’s probably Wille’s parents’ cabin, it would only make sense for him to come.

He walks into his bedroom and throws himself on the bed before he reaches for his phone. It’s not that many notifications during the few hours he’s slept, so he opens Wille’s contact and presses call. Wille answers on the second ring.

“Hello, sunshine,” Wille’s voice comes through the phone cheerfully. The smile that has been plastered on Simon’s face since last night turns even bigger; he didn’t know that was possible. He’s missed Wille calling him sunshine, he won’t deny that. It had happened once, and still it’d been imprinted in his head, maybe that should’ve been a clue right there.

“Hey, did you sleep okay?” Simon asks, best to start out easy.

“I did, would’ve slept better if you were here though,” Simon can almost hear the smirk that’s probably plastered on Wille’s face as he says the words.

It also makes his heart beat a little faster and he can feel his cheeks get warmer. “Well, you’re in luck then. Since we’re going away this weekend,” he says as he puts Wille on speaker and digs out his bag so he can pack.

Wille’s laugh comes through the speakers, filling Simon’s bedroom with joy and happiness. “I guess I am. Did you wonder why you had today off yesterday?”

Simon digs through his closet, holding up item after item for the perfect choices to bring on a weekend trip with his best friend, who is not just his best friend anymore, but he hasn’t talked about being boyfriend with either. “I did, but it makes total sense. And you better have the day off too, because I’m planning on you picking me up within an hour.”

He throws in his grey wool sweater, grey sweatpants, a few t-shirts and underwear in his bag together with a scarf, gloves, his beanie and some more warm clothes.

“I do have the day off, and I’m already packed actually. I was up early. So I can get breakfast and coffee on the way?” Wille says, of course Wille had been up early. Or maybe it was Simon who had slept late, it usually was. He hadn’t even checked what time it was, he had the day off, so it didn’t really matter.

“That sounds good. I’ll just take a shower and get dressed, then I’m ready to go,” he says as he throws his charger and another warm sweater in his bag.

There’s some running water and rustling on the speaker before Wille’s voice comes back. “Perfect, I’ll fix some breakfast burritos, coffee and snacks for the trip. Then we can just buy whatever else we need up there.”

They say goodbye and Simon starts to get ready. As he steps out of the shower a nervous flutter begins to swim around in his stomach. Why was he suddenly nervous? He’d spent enough alone time with Wille, why would this be so different?

It won’t be, he tells himself and starts to get dressed. The only difference would be that he could kiss Wille anytime he wanted. They had always been close, so he wouldn’t overthink this. He wants you to be you, nothing more, nothing less – Ayub’s words from two nights ago plays in his head. He would just be Simon, and Wille would just be Wille.

When he opens the bathroom door he throws his toiletries in his bag and goes through it one last time. Then there’s a knock on the door and butterflies take place in his stomach.

He unlocks the door, opens it and is met with Wille’s smiling face. Simon doesn’t think – he just acts on instinct. So he leans up and places a kiss on Wille’s lips. Wille’s cologne fills him as he breathes in, making him calm in an instant. Wille doesn’t hesitate, he wraps his arms around Simon’s waist and deepens the kiss, making Simon a little breathless when they pull apart. “Good morning,” Wille murmurs against his lips, sending a shiver down his spine.

“Good morning,” he manages to utter without sounding too breathless. When did this feeling start? That being this close to Wille made him weak in the knees? “Why didn’t you just come in?”

Wille lets go of his waist, takes a small step back, and Simon already feels cold without Wille’s arms around him. “I left my key in the car. Was lucky that someone went out when I was going in downstairs,” he says casually. “Ready to go? The food and coffee are still hot.”

Simon nods and walks back into his apartment to pick up his bag and his phone. When he comes back, Wille snatches the bag from him and walks out of the apartment. “Wow, what a gentleman I have now,” Simon teases as he puts on his shoes and jacket.

Wille sends him a pretend shocked face, making Simon laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve always been a gentleman,” he says, trying and failing to sound offended.

“Sure you have, baby,” Simon says and it takes him a minute to realize he’d just called Wille “baby.” The pet name had just fallen out of his mouth like it was the most natural thing ever. But now he feels slightly embarrassed. He glances quickly over at Wille while locking the door, he doesn’t say anything, but he’s smiling. So Simon decides to not give it more attention.

They walk down to Wille’s car. The sun hits him in the face when he opens the door and it fills him with so much positive energy. This would be an amazing weekend! The drive up to the cabin takes a few hours, so Simon puts on some Christmas music and they just talk about normal stuff. Everything feels like it always does between them, so right, calming, like home.

“Wait, didn’t you bring the calendar?” Wille asks after they’ve driven for at least an hour. He glances over at Simon in the passenger seat, before he looks back on the road.

“No, or yes I did. I brought the notes, the box is too big,” Simon begins with a smile. “I haven’t read them, but I guess I don’t really need to. Because you know what it is anyway.” He knows it’s Wille’s doing, there’s no point on hiding it anymore. No one knows him the way Wille does.

Wille looks at him, but he’s not trying to hide it anymore either. Simon can see it on his face. “But where’s the fun in that?” he teases, and Simon has to admit he has a point.

They stop for some more snacks and fuel, Wille fills up the car, and Simon is on snack duty. Wille gives him a kiss before he walks into the gas station and he can feel himself smiling like crazy. He places the snacks on the counter and the girl standing there looks at him before she looks out the window at Wille. “You two look like boyfriend-goals. Why do all the good men have to be queer?” she asks annoyed.

She scans all the snacks with such force, Simon feels a little freaked out. “I don’t know, guess you have to ask the straight guys,” he mumbles while he pays.

He turns to walk back to the car when the girl starts speaking again. “I’ve tried that…” she says before she rambles on, and Simon isn’t sure if he should stay or walk out. She’s clearly been dumped or something and is pretty mad about it.

But he’s not here to participate in her therapy session. So he decides to excuse himself, “sorry, I have to get back to my boyfriend.” He sends her an apologetic smile and nearly runs out the door.

Boyfriend. It sounded so natural on his tongue when he said it. But they hasn’t exactly had the time to figure that out. Simon wants to call Wille his boyfriend, he really does. There's no other way of explaining all the feelings that fills his body whenever Wille is around him now. Or when Wille isn’t around and his mind make up scenarios or wanders back to memories. He drags his hand through his curls and takes a breath before he walks back to the car.

“You okay?” Wille asks when Simon sits back down in the passenger seat. Simon looks up and meets Wille’s eyes who look at him a little concerned.

Simon shakes his head, should he just get this over with already? “Yeah, I’m fine. The girl in there freaked me out a little. She’s probably been dumped by some stupid guy and decided that I was going to be her therapist,” he starts and places the bag with the snacks on the floor. Wille laughs before he starts driving again. Simon hesitates for a minute, was it too soon to bring it up? They had only kissed yesterday, but if it’s one thing he’s learned from all this. It’s that they work so much better, when they trust each other enough to be vulnerable. And Wille had said years – years of wanting more than friendship. So he goes for it. “It did make me think about something though.”

Wille looks over at him; he doesn’t say anything, just waits for Simon to collect his thoughts and words to come out of his mouth. Why was this so hard? This was Wille. “What are we, exactly? What is this?” he almost whispers eventually.

“What do you want it to be?” Wille asks, his voice sounding a little unsure, like he’s scared of what Simon might say. When Simon doesn’t answer right away, Wille continues talking. “You know where I stand here, Simon. I want all of it. I want you to be my boyfriend; I want to kiss you whenever I want, wherever I want. I want the good days and the bad days. I want everything.”

Simon lets the words sink in for a few seconds. Isn’t that exactly what he wants too? But what if this doesn’t work out after all? What then? “I want that too,” he begins. Simon glances over at Wille, he's just staring on the road, his jaw tight like he’s waiting for the rejection. Simon hates it, so he reaches for Wille’s hand and Wille gives it to him without hesitation. “I’m just so scared that I’ll lose you, if it doesn’t work out.”

Wille takes a deep breath and squeezes Simon’s hand. “Simon, if you’re going to walk around being scared, how will you know if you’re happy? Love is scary, but I promise you, you won’t lose me. Ever! It’s you and me, right?” Wille sounds so confident, and it somehow transfers over to him.

He can feel his body relax, he can’t be scared to be loved. Wille isn’t Marcus. Wille would never hurt him; he’s been standing on the sideline, watching Simon fall apart. Then he picked up every piece and put it back together again. If that isn’t love, then what is?

“Yeah, you’re right. Always,” he says, and his heart beats faster just by saying the words. That’s just another confirmation that this is the right choice.

Wille smiles and the nervous flutter from this morning is gone. This is Wille, his person, his best friend, his boyfriend. “Give your boyfriend a kiss then,” Wille says and it shouldn’t make Simon’s heart skip a beat when Wille says that, but it does. He shakes his head and leans over the center console and leaves a kiss on Wille’s cheek. He doesn’t want to die in a car crash, so cheek it is.

For the rest of the drive they talk, sing, Simon might’ve dozed off for a few minutes, and suddenly there are snow-covered mountains as long as he can see. It’s beautiful, how the sunshine reflects in the snow, even if it hurts his eyes to look at it. They unpack the car and place their bags in the master bedroom.

The cabin is huge, there’s not exactly to be concealed that Wille’s parents have money, and Simon has been to this cabin many times before. But it always amazes him how big it is. There’s a big kitchen and two living rooms. A big fireplace is placed in one of the living rooms and it’s Simon’s favorite thing to sit in front of it, after a day of skiing or just staying outside, just watch the orange flames flicker.

The he remembers the note from this morning, have a snowball fight. That could be fun, and he wanted fun, something to remind him how easy everything was between Wille and him. “We’re going outside,” he says as he walks up to Wille who places the food in the gigantic fridge.

“Okay, sure. Let me just finish this, and I’m all yours,” Wille smiles.

“You already are, but okay,” Simon teases before he walks into the bedroom to get his warmer clothes. He can see Wille smile and roll his eyes in the corner of his eye as he walks past him. He likes this flirty vibe between them; it almost feels more natural than anything has felt before.

They both get dressed and walk out into the starting sunset. It’s colder up here in the mountain, but it’s also ten times more beautiful. Simon stops outside the cabin, and just admires everything. The darkening blue sky and the sunset painting the horizon.

Suddenly something hits him in the back and he spins around to see Wille smiling at him, throwing another snowball up and down in his hand. “Snowball fight, right? So are you going to join or just stand there looking pretty?” Wille teases before he throws the second snowball Simon’s way. He never said snowball fight, but Wille was the one who made the calendar, so he probably should’ve been prepared for that.

For the next hour only laughter fills the woods around the cabin, just like other snow days they’ve had at this cabin. Snow flying through the air, feet running around and bodies hiding behind corners or trees. Simon can’t even remember the last time he had childish fun like this. And when Wille stumbles and falls into a big snowdrift, Simon takes advantage of the situation and pushes some snow down on Wille’s face.

Wille gasps before he grabs Simon’s wrist and pulls him down to him. Simon laughs and falls and is suddenly face to face with Wille. This time no one is there to interrupt their little moment. So Simon leans down and places a kiss on Wille’s lips, their lips are cold but heat rushes through him nonetheless.

“I’m cold,” Wille whines when they pull apart. Simon looks innocently at him, like he has no idea why. “Because someone thought it was nice to show snow in my face!” he continues and laughs. Then something cold falls down Simon’s neck, he gasps too and jumps back.

“WILLE!” he says loud, but there’s no real heat behind it.

Wille gets up from where he’s been lying in the snow and nearly runs for the door. “Payback’s a bitch, Simon.” Simon stands and mumbles a few curses under his breath while he shakes the snow out from under his sweater, and walks in after Wille.

When he gets back inside Wille turns to him with a warm smile, he reaches out and brushes some snow out of his curls, and for the rest of the evening they make pizza, and sit down to eat. The cabin smells of tomatoes and garlic and they sit on the couch in front of the fireplace to warm up. For a little while they just talk, or just enjoy being silent in each other’s company. Wille run his fingers through Simon’s curls, almost making him sleepy. But when they’ve been quiet for a long time, Simon’s had enough.

He leans back on the couch, pulling Wille with him and dives in for the kiss. They were boyfriends now, alone in a cabin, in front of the fireplace. He wanted that romantic movie feeling, sue him. So he opens his mouth, lets his tongue lick into Wille’s mouth a few times. Wille’s breath catches in his chest, and he holds himself up on his arms to not crush him.

Simon lets his hands slide down Wille’s back, all the way down to his ass. He squeezes, and Wille sighs into his mouth. The smell of Wille’s cologne hits him again, and it makes him feel safe. How could a smell make him feel so protected?

Suddenly Wille pulls back, his breathing comes short and his cheeks are pink, Simon isn’t sure if it’s from the heat of the fire or from the kissing. Maybe a little bit of both. “We have to stop if you don’t want this to go any further,” Wille says, sounding slightly breathless. Simon had said yesterday that he wanted to take it slow, that he didn’t want to rush anything. But he probably wants this just as much as Wille. So screw yesterday-Simon’s smart brain. Today-Simon’s horny one has taken over, and it calls dibs.

“Then don’t stop,” he whispers, watching Wille’s eyes go wide for a second before he sends him a look asking if he’s sure. Simon loves their silent communication; it makes everything so much easier when they both just know. So he just nods with a smile on his lips, and Wille’s lips find his again. The kiss is deeper, hungrier, and Wille’s hands roam his body. He finds the hem of Simon’s t-shirt and slides his hand under it and up Simon’s side, kissing down his jaw and Simon can’t help the sigh that leaves his throat. He can’t control it anymore, he’s lost in Wille’s touches, kisses, eyes, everything.

Simon finds the hem of Wille’s shirt too and tugs it over his head, feeling the strong muscles of Wille’s back under his hands. Wille finds his lips again, slides his tongue into Simon’s mouth, bites lightly at his bottom lip drawing another half-moan from him. “I want this off,” Wille whispers in his ear, and tugs at Simon’s t-shirt.

“Then I want these off,” Simon retorts, tugging at Wille’s pants with a smirk on his lips.

“That can be arranged,” Wille says hoarsely, and Simon nearly moans just by Wille’s voice. He’s never heard his voice like this, so sensual and dark. It does strange things to his body, which he’s definitely not complaining about.

Wille kisses him hard one more time before he stands up and opens his pants, let them fall to the floor. Simon takes his shirt and pants off too, before he pushes Wille on the chest, making him sit on the couch. Simon sits down on his lap, he can feel Wille’s hard on against him and it makes him want him even more. He didn’t even know that was possible right now.

He lets his finger slide down Wille’s jaw and over his parted lips, feeling Wille’s shallow breath on his finger. Then Wille grabs his wrist and leads his finger into his mouth. Simon moans as Wille’s mouth closes around his finger and his eyes shine of mischief. Payback apparently is a bitch.

“Fuck,” he breathes out, and grinds once against Wille, just to get some friction. His dick is starting to ache for some attention at this point. Wille’s mouth falls open at the touch and Simon pulls his hand back before he dives in for another kiss. He’s always liked kissing Wille, it was like they just fit together. But kissing him now, is something else. It’s more than he ever dreamt it could be. It’s not a want anymore, it’s a need. He craves the kisses like his lungs crave air.

He grinds again, and Wille moans into his mouth. Suddenly he’s on his back, feeling Wille’s mouth find its way down his jaw, his neck, finding his nipples. And he holds his breath for a few seconds, feeling Wille’s tongue slide over them, making them go hard in an instant. Wille continues his journey down his body, placing kisses all over his chest and his stomach, until he reaches the top of Simon’s boxers. Then he looks up and meets his eyes. “Only if you want to,” he says softly, and there’s nothing Simon wants more in this moment.

“Please,” he breathes out, his dick aching to be touched. So Wille takes his boxer off before he places kisses up his thighs and Simon feels like he might explode. “Wille, please,” he pleads, almost unable to keep still. When Wille takes him in his mouth, he lets out a loud moan, and his hips twitch uncontrollably upwards.

For the next minutes, hours, days - Simon doesn’t know, he's lost the concept of time - he's very happy that there are no neighbors to this cabin, because he’s unable to be quiet. The sensation of Wille’s mouth around his dick, his hand massaging his balls and Wille's quiet moaning while he sucks is almost too much. He can feel the pressure building way sooner than he wants too, but he can’t control it. “Wille, I’m close,” he manages to say, only making Wille suck faster, harder and before he knows it the orgasm washes over him. Simon grips the cushions under him, feeling like he might fly if he doesn’t hold on to something.

“Fuck,” he breathes out again when Wille lets him go and his body has stopped shaking. He opens his eyes slowly – he doesn’t even remember closing them – to see Wille sitting next to him and looking at him with admiration.

“Do you have any idea how hot you look right now?” Wille says, his eyes shining and a smirk on his lips.

Simon sits up slowly, never breaking eye-contact, and climbs back on Wille’s lap. “You’re not so bad yourself, you know” he whispers before he leans in to kiss Wille again. He can taste himself on Wille’s tongue; hear how Wille’s breath catches when he licks into his mouth. Wille’s hands are on him in an instant, like magnets drawn to metal. He lets his hand slide down Wille’s chest, stomach and takes a hold of his dick, still hard. Wille moans into his mouth and his hands dig into Simon’s hips.

So he takes it as a sign, climbing of off Wille’s lap, tugging at his boxers. Wille lifts his hips and Simon pulls them off before he starts kissing up Wille’s thighs. Wille’s hands are in his curls and he leans his head back on the couch, breathing heavy. Simon takes him in his mouth, slowly; lets his tongue roam over every inch until he gags. “Oh my God, Fuck, Simon,” Wille starts to ramble and it only urges him on. Wille lifts his head from the couch and Simon looks up, letting their eyes meet. Wille looks so lost, eyes wide, mouth open, chest heaving faster and faster. He tries to form words, but all that comes are moans and whispers of Simon’s name as pleas before Simon feels Wille’s hips stutter and he shoots down his throat.

Simon swallows him up, holds him through the orgasm before he lets go of his dick. “Fuck,” Wille just says and leans his head back again, like holding it up takes too much energy. “Come,” he says next – apparently able to only utter single words – and holds out his hand for Simon to take. He sits down and tugs himself into Wille’s side, drags the blanket over them and for a second they just sit like that, their breathing slowing down. Simon traces circles on Wille’s chest while Wille strokes his arm, making sure he's warm.

The crackling from the fire has almost stopped, the flames nearly gone, casting the cabin in a dim light. “I’m trying to find words for how that was, but I don’t think I know any words that are good enough,” Wille says after a while.

Simon lets out a small laugh. “I know what you mean,” he murmurs with a smile, making Wille pull him into a soft kiss.

“I love you, Simon”, Wille begins, his eyes suddenly serious. “I know that’s probably very soon for you, but I’ve loved you for so long, I just needed to say it.”

Simon’s heart aches a little. To know that Wille had to stand by and watch him with Marcus for around two years must’ve been torture. He can’t even imagine doing that now – standing on the sideline watching Wille love someone else. And maybe it is soon, maybe it’s also the truth. He loves Wille too – he always has – but this connection he’s felt the last couple of weeks, the fear he felt until he got to talk to Wille yesterday just showed him that there’s no other way to explain it than with love. Maybe he’s actually loved Wille all along without realizing it, meaning that this love has always been there.

“I love you too, Wille,” he says confidently. Saying it out loud makes even more sense than it did in his head, and he can feel it with his whole body, that this is exactly where he belongs.

Wille pulls him into a hug, and if Simon could have a say in it, he would never let go. He would be Wille’s sunshine for as long as he’d have him.

Chapter Text

Wille

The daylight shines dimly through the window when Wille slowly opens his eyes. He can’t remember the last time he slept this good. He feels rested and at peace, and maybe it has something to do with the beautiful human snoring next to him. Wille looks over at Simon, his curls are tussled around his face and he looks so peaceful. This is what I’ve always wanted, he thinks, his heart feels full and he wonders if they would ever have gotten here if it wasn’t for the calendar.

They’ve come so far, not just because they’re together, but also as friends. He’s always felt like he knew Simon, but these last 20 days, spending every day together one way or another has showed him how close they really are. He’d been pretty proud of himself when he came up with the calendar idea; it was coming up with 24 different activities that was the hard part. But looking back now, he feels really good about all of them. They were all things that he either knew Simon would love or things that was typical to do during December.

And even though they’ve definitely had their ups and downs the last weeks, it led them here, to this moment. So Wille doesn’t regret any of it, not even being crazy jealous at Marcus at the club. Maybe he regrets a few things; they might’ve gotten here faster if they just talked to each other. But why dwell on the past when he could look into the future with Simon by his side?

Wille brushes his fingers slowly over Simon’s curls, taking them away from his face and it makes Simon smile without opening his eyes. It’s all Wille’s heart needs to burst with more love than what he thought was possible. “Morning,” Simon whispers sleepy, slowly blinking his eyes open.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Wille smiles, and he loves how Simon’s face lights up when he calls him that, even when he’s half asleep. The first time the pet name had slipped out, he’d practically spent days spiraling on what Simon had thought about, if he had thought about. Now, it was the most natural thing in the world to call Simon his sunshine.

Simon looks up at him, eyes finally fully open. Wille brushes another curl away from his face, before he leans down and places a small kiss on Simon’s lips. The fact that he can just do something so domestic like that makes a warm feeling spread through his entire body.

He tries to pull away, but then Simon stops him. Slides his arm around Wille’s neck and pulls him back into another kiss. Simon opens his mouth like he’s testing how far Wille is willing to take this. And when Wille let his tongue slide into Simon’s mouth he lets out a small sigh. Simon’s hand slides down his chest, down his stomach but then he stops. By this point Wille has stopped breathing; he’s not quite sure how to breathe anymore.

When Simon doesn’t make any more signs to move his hand any further down, Wille takes measures into his own hands. Simon started this, but Wille is more than happy to finish it. So he deepens the kiss, slide his hand down Simon’s side and around his already hard dick. Simon lets out a surprised sigh against Wille’s lips, but his hips twitch upwards into Wille’s hand.

Simon grabs his ass and pulls them closer, and Wille is very happy that his hand is big enough to give them both some action at the same time. So he places his hand around the both of them as best as he can, and starts to move. It’s intimate, slow and achingly amazing all at once, feeling Simon’s heavy breathing against his face, his lips on his lips in between moans.

“Wille,” Simon breathes out and it just ushers Wille on, faster now, chasing the relief for the both of them. Simon’s fingers start to dig into his back, probably making a mark he’ll be proud of later. This is all still new territory to him, to them, but if the way Simon’s nails dig into his back, how his breathing comes faster and heavier, how he’s moaning Wille’s name on repeat is any indication, he’ll say he’s doing something right.

The pressure starts to build like a burning sensation low in his stomach, and the orgasm washes over both of them, mixing them together between them – they would definitely have to change these sheets later. A small laugh leaves Simon’s throat and Wille leans in to kiss him again, small and sensual. For a few minutes they just lay there, side by side, looking into each other’s eyes. Sharing small kisses and giggling like teenagers. “Aren’t we supposed to do some kind of activity today?” Simon whispers against his mouth.

Wille hums with a smile, his fingers tracing circles on Simon’s bare skin. “Do we really have to? Can’t we just stay here all day?” he murmurs and places a small kiss on Simon’s lips.

“It depends. What did you write on today’s activity? If you had been smart you would’ve written stay in bed and cuddle all day,” Simon teases. Wille opens his eyes and sends him a deadpanned look which only makes Simon laugh. And since Wille is a sucker for that sound, he’s happy to do whatever it takes to hear it.

“That would’ve been smart of me, but it also would’ve been awkward if we got here and weren’t together,” Wille throws back at him.

Simon leans up on his elbow and looks down at him, suddenly serious. “Why did you make the calendar? Did you think something like this would happen when you made it?”

The question throws Wille a little off the tracks. He hadn’t ever thought about if Simon wanted that answer, but of course it makes sense. At least now that they actually are together. Maybe he had made the calendar to help Simon heal, but when he thinks about it, it healed him too.

He takes a second to really think about it, but he already has the answer ready. “I did it because I wanted you to have something else to think about than what you could’ve done differently with Marcus,” he begins and takes Simon’s hand. “I know you. You would go through every scenario trying to figure out what you did wrong, what you did that made him cheat on you. But the answer to that is nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong, he was an asshole. Is an asshole, and I thought that giving you something to do every day would give you some relief from your own thoughts. I didn’t know if you wanted to do everything by yourself, with me, with everyone, with Sara or your mom. So did I hope for something to happen between us? Of course I did, Simon. I’ve hoped for that for years. But did I make it because I thought it would make you love me? No, I didn’t.”

For a moment there’s just silence. Simon looks at him, his eyes slightly glassy, but it doesn’t seem like he really sees him. It’s like he’s lost in thoughts, trying to wrap his head around everything Wille just said. Wille reaches out and strokes Simon’s cheek, and then Simon smiles.

“Thank you. I don’t think I ever said that,” he says and leans down to place a small kiss on Wille’s lips. “And thank you, for saying all that. I love you, for knowing me so well. I’ve really appreciated all of it, it’s been very helpful. And I’m over the moon happy, that it led us here.”

Wille wants to say something, anything. But the lump in his throat makes it impossible. So instead he pulls Simon down for a kiss. Trying to place all his love into it. “I love you too,” he whispers when they pull apart, feeling Simon smile against his lips.

They manage to get out of bed eventually, change the sheets very quickly, and clean up themselves as well. Simon digs around his bag for today’s note while Wille starts to make breakfast.

“Go skiing today. Make sure not to crash with a tree,” Simon reads before he looks at Wille with furrowed eyebrows. “Seriously, do you have any faith in me at all? Don’t crash with a tree?”

Wille chuckles before he walks over to Simon and wraps his arms around him. “I have an immensely amount of faith in you,” he says and leans down to place a small kiss on Simon’s lips. God, how he loves to just do that whenever he wants.

His phone blares up with a call, and he picks it up without checking who it is. It’s a Saturday, so the minute he puts the phone to his ear he regrets not checking. Because the only person to ever call him during the weekend – who isn’t Simon – is his mom. “Wilhelm! I’ve been trying to call you for days,” Kristina’s voice comes through the speakers.

Wille can feel the color drain from his face and he feels dizzy. He meets Simon’s eyes across the room. It’s like Simon just knows, he walks over and places a hand on his shoulder right away, grounding him. “Hello, mother,” Wille answers with a restraint voice after Kristina is done rambling about how rude it is of him to not pick up her call or at least call her back.

Simon takes his hand, and leads him over to the couch to sit down. Wille isn’t sure what to tell his mom. That he's spending Christmas with his boyfriend, with Simon, at Linda’s? Does she actually need to know?

“Wilhelm? Are you still there?” Kristina asks, and Wille realizes she’s probably asked a question and he’s just been quiet.

He clears his throat and looks over at Simon, he sends him a small smile and squeezes his hand. Such a small thing to say that he’s here, but it means the world. “Yes, sorry. What did you say?” Wille answers, and makes his brain focus on his mother’s words.

“You’re not coming over for Christmas? Where are you going?” he hates how Kristina’s demanding voice makes him want to crawl into himself.

“To Simon,” he answers short, because Kristina doesn’t really deserve to know more than that. She’s never been a big fan of Simon, or any of the other people he hangs out with, except Felice.

He can hear Kristina rambling on about how important Christmas is to be with family and they had expected him to be there. But all Wille can think about is, yes, Christmas should be spent with family, which is exactly what he’s doing this year. When she’s done talking, he hasn’t paid attention to any of it. “It’s not up for discussion, mom. I’ll drop by when I get back from the cabin, okay? I’ll talk to you later,” he says before he hangs up. He knows that will probably bite him in the ass, but he doesn’t want to deal with her right now.

For a second he just sits on the couch, staring absentmindedly into nothing, trying his best to focus on Simon’s hand in his. “Are you okay?” Simon asks quietly after a while.

Wille takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I don’t know,” he begins and opens his eyes again to look at Simon. “I hate that she has this…power over me.”

Simon leans in to hug him, and Wille can feel himself relax a little. It’s astonishing how Simon can make him relax so quickly. When he pulls back he takes both of Wille’s hands in his and looks at him with a smile. “You always put everyone else’s happiness above your own. It’s time you put yourself first Wille. You don’t owe her anything; she doesn’t see how wonderful you are. You are so caring, loving and thoughtful. Look at what you’ve created for yourself? That’s all you, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, Simon,” he manages to say, his voice shaking a little. So Simon pulls him in for another hug, and Wille melts into him. This was his family, his home. This was where he belonged.

They eat the breakfast and start to get dressed. Wille laughs at how many layers of clothing Simon decides to wear, blaming it on not wanting to be cold. “You won’t be able to ski either,” Wille jokes, earning him a small punch to the arm.

Then they drive to the ski slope. Walking out of the car a familiar feeling hits him. The mountains smell of childhood and happy memories. The few happy memories he has from when he was younger are from this place, and especially skiing here. Wille takes it in for a minute; let the feeling settle in his body.

“You okay?” Simon asks when he’s out of the car.

Wille takes one last look at the slope before he turns to Simon with a smile. “Yeah. Let’s go rent some skis,” he says, and it’s not a lie. He is okay.

Riding up the lift is quiet, the fresh, mountain air swirling around them, it’s so peaceful. Simon leans his head on Wille’s shoulder, their gloves brushing between them, their breaths mixing and clouding the air. It feels weirdly romantic, and Wille gets a bit lost in the moment almost forgetting to get off when they’re at the top.

“This slope isn’t that hard, so we should be good,” he says as they stand on top of the slope, looking down at the valley below.

Simon looks at him, and almost rolls his eyes. “I have been skiing before, Wille. I’m good, okay? Don’t worry,” he smiles, before he lets himself fall over the edge and down the slope.

Wille follows suit, and catches up to him in no time. Simon is a bit clumsy, but he gets the hang of it pretty quick, following Wille down. Wille stops elegantly at the bottom of the slope and turns to look for Simon. He glides easily down, a little slower than Wille but the minute he’s about to stop, he stumbles and falls.

Wille doesn’t have time to panic, because Simon laughs right away and holds his hand in the air for Wille to help him up. “Are you okay there, clumsy?” Wille says, and he can’t help the small laugh that escapes him. It had looked pretty funny.

“I’m fine here, thank you very much. Let’s go again,” Simon just says and glides over to the lift. They ride down a few more times, Simon becoming bolder and more confident, and the fourth time he stops at the bottom just as elegantly as Wille.

“I want to do the harder slope one time before we get some hot cocoa, is that okay? You can wait here, or take this one again, if you want?” Wille asks as they ski over to the lift for a last run. He likes the easy slope, but he loves the exhilarating feeling of the black slope.

“I’ll join you, can’t be that bad?” Simon says and looks at him questionably. Wille’s heart beats a little faster, Simon isn’t that skilled, the black slope is hard, and much longer. But he also knows when Simon has made up his mind about something, it’s usually hard to change it. And if he changes his mind, he can just take the lift back down.

Wille takes a breath before he speaks. “It’s a lot harder than this, but it’s up to you,” he tries for the best smile he can manage at this point. It’s probably not that convincing if he’s going to judge by Simon’s eye roll. But he doesn’t say anything more, so they sit down on the lift and let it take them to the top.

“Are you still sure about this?” Wille feels the need to ask one more time. He looks over at Simon, who keeps staring down the slope, and it gives him a small knot in his stomach. This was probably a bad idea.

It takes a second before Simon answers, but when he does his voice sounds very confident. “Probably not, but you have to overcome your fears sometime, right?” And before Wille has time to say that they can just ride the lift back down, Simon has already started down the slope.

Wille follows him right away, and for a moment it actually looks like he’s really got the hang of this. He glides beautifully back and forth, a little slow at first, then faster as he gets more confident. Wille picks up speed to catch up to him, but halfway down he watches helplessly as Simon loses his footing, falls hard and slides into the trees.

For a second Wille isn’t sure if he’s breathing. What if Simon hurt himself really bad? He should’ve stopped him. Why did he even say he wanted to ride this slope? They should’ve stuck to the easier one for now. He slows down as best as he can, which is not easy when he has too much speed, and ends up a little further down than where Simon disappeared out. He takes his skis off, and runs as best as he can up the side of the slope.

“Simon! Are you okay?” he calls breathlessly.

He can see Simon moving, so at least he’s not unconscious. Wille feels like he can breathe a little bit better knowing that. “I’m okay,” he can hear Simon say, his voice a little restrained.

There’s lots of snow, so it looks like Simon got lucky landing in a snowdrift. “Are you hurt?” Wille asks when he sits down next to Simon to help him take the skis off.

“I don’t think so, just a little sore. It’ll probably be a bruise tomorrow,” he says with a small painful laugh. “Help me up?”

Simon reaches out his hand and Wille pulls him up and holds him steady, before he pulls him into a hug. He breathes in, Simon’s smell mixing with the fresh air and his lungs finally let him really breathe again. He’s seen people fall and hurt themselves bad on slopes like this, that’s not something he wants to see Simon do.

“Wille, you’re crushing me,” Simon sighs and Wille lets him go, a little reluctantly. “I’m fine, okay? I can make it all the way down.”

So Wille helps him put the skis back on before he slides down to put his own back on too. They take it slow down the rest of the slope; Wille stays as close to Simon as he can, he would hold his hand to make sure he didn’t hurt himself again if that wouldn’t make it even harder.

After giving back the skis and helmets they buy some hot chocolate and sit down at the café at the bottom of the slope. Wille just looks out over the valley for a moment; this really was one of his few happy places. Then he glances over at Simon. It didn’t matter where he was anymore; his happy place was wherever Simon was with him.

Simon rubs his lower back a few times, and Wille takes his free hand in his. “Didn’t I tell you not to crash with a tree?” he teases lightly, but there’s no real heat to it.

“Wow, taking advantage of my pain, are we?” Simon throws back at him.

Wille takes Simon’s hand and places a kiss on it. “I’m sorry, are you sure you’re okay?” he says, suddenly feeling bad for joking about it. It could’ve been serious. He wanted to protect Simon – from his mother’s world, from anything that could hurt him – but maybe love isn’t about protection. Maybe it’s about trust.

“I’m fine, Wille,” Simon says before he suddenly looks lost in his thoughts. Wille just looks at him for a minute, his gaze goes a little blank, like it always does when he wants to say something but isn’t quite sure how to say it. “It made me think about something though…” he says, sadness in his voice, and Wille squeezes his hand reassuringly. “I didn’t know being with someone could be this easy. You make it look so easy, why did Marcus make it look so hard?”

The question throws Wille a little off. He’s never thought about it, loving Simon has always just been so natural, it's like breathing. And it makes him both sad and furious that Simon has even had to think about that. “I don’t know,” he begins and waits until Simon looks at him before he continues. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. You always read people so accurately, notices everyone. You always see the good in people, even when everyone else struggles to see it. You love so fiercely, throwing yourself into it. You’re the easiest person to love, Simon.”

Simon’s cheeks turn slightly pink, and he looks down for a second before he meets Wille’s eyes again. “And you always blush a little when someone gives you a compliment and you don’t really believe them. Like right now, but don’t ever doubt that, Simon. Loving you is easy,” Wille adds, before he leans over the table to meet Simon in a kiss.

“Loving you is easy too,” Simon whispers back against his lips, and Wille’s heart skips a beat of the tenderness in Simon’s voice.

He sits back and sends Simon a small, sad smile. “Maybe you should tell my mother that,” he says and takes a sip of his now almost cold cocoa. He glances out the window at the slope in front of them. The mountains roam high around them, it feels safe somehow. He can feel Simon take his hand, but he doesn’t say anything, like he knows Wille wants to say something more. He both hates and loves how good Simon knows him. “Some of the few really happy memories I have from my childhood is from this place. I’ve always felt at home here, like the mountains would protect me against anything. Skiing in these slopes was so freeing, and my parents actually took the time to be parents. Even though they usually went back to work when we came back to the cabin, when we were right here, we were a family.”

He keeps looking dreamily out the window, he can almost picture the mini version of himself ski down the slope, smiling and stopping at the bottom, his dad catching him if he went too fast. “I know we’ve been here before, but I always imagined what it would be like to bring someone that really felt like home,” he smiles, mostly to himself because of the memory, but when he looks back at Simon he feels totally at home.

“And what does it feel like?” Simon asks softly, tilting his head adorably to the side.

“Better than I ever imagined.”

They drive back to the cabin mostly in silence. Their hands joined on the center console, Simon humming to the Christmas music, both of them exhausted and flushed. The sun has almost set, painting the horizon in beautiful colors. “I’m going to take a quick shower before dinner,” Wille says as they get out of the warm clothes. He walks into the cabin when he feels Simon’s hand in his.

“Can I join you?” he asks with a smile. Wille’s heart takes up speed right away. He would love to shower with Simon, but he’s also exhausted and the couch is literally screaming for him. He doesn’t think he’s up for anything more than a shower. “Just shower, Wille,” Simon adds, probably seeing how the wheels in Wille’s head works overtime to find the best way to say he isn’t up for something more right now.

Wille lets out a small laugh. “Sure, come on,” he just says and walks into the bathroom. They undress and Wille makes sure the water is the right temperature before they walk into the shower. The warm water feels amazing when it slides down his body, and he leans his head back to let the water hit his face for a second. When he looks back he catches a glimpse of Simon’s back, where a big blue and black bruise has already started to come to life.

“Simon,” he says and turns him around to see his back better. Simon looks confused at him over his shoulder for a second, before he probably places two and two together.

“It’s fine, Wille. It doesn’t hurt that bad,” he says and turns back to place his arms around Wille’s neck. He leans up and places a small kiss on Wille’s lips, but it doesn’t soothe Wille’s guilt. He could’ve stopped him.

“It’s not though. You’re hurt, we shouldn’t have gone up there,” he says and pulls Simon carefully into a hug, making sure not to press on his lower back.

Simon melts into the hug, but pulls back quickly and looks up at him with seriousness on his face. “Wille, this isn’t your fault, okay? I wanted to go up there, don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s just a bruise. Please?”

Wille would probably beat himself up over this for as long as the bruise was visible on Simon’s body, but he goes for a smile and says he’ll try. And Simon probably understands that it’s the best he’ll get, so he lets it go and starts washing his hair instead. After the shower Wille starts to make dinner. Simon sets the table, humming to a Christmas song, and Wille thinks how much he loves these small domestic moments. What is his life right now? Being here, in this cabin, with the love of his life humming around him? It’s more than he ever dared to dream about.

They eat and clean up and fall down on the couch to put on some Christmas movie they’ve seen before. Mostly because they both know they’ll probably fall asleep on the couch anyway tonight. Simon sits down next to him, and Wille pulls him closer, his arm around Simon’s shoulder. The starting music from Home Alone starts and Wille can already feel that he won’t see much of the movie.

“I could get used to this,” Simon whispers and tucks himself closer to Wille’s side. Wille places a kiss in his still damp curls and smiles. He already has.

Chapter Text

Simon

Simon wakes tangled in Wille’s arms, not quite sure how he got here. He remembers falling asleep in Wille’s arms on the couch, but not how he ended up in bed. Small snores come from Wille next to him, meaning he woke up before Wille. That’s probably never happened before either. It still feels a little weird waking up in warm safety instead of the cold uncertainty of what you might do wrong that day. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he’d been until Wille’s quiet had become his favorite sound.

He shifts his body slightly and regrets it right away when a pain shoots up his spine. He’d told Wille he was fine at least a million times yesterday – and he was. That wasn’t a lie. But it had hurt, real bad. And it would probably be sore for a few more days.

The cabin feels too quiet – the kind that doesn’t want you to leave. Being up here, just the two of them has been so amazing, and Simon definitely doesn’t want to break the bubble. But they both have work tomorrow, last day before Christmas break, so it’s not like they have any other choice.

Wille stirs next to him, and Simon untangles himself from Wille’s arms and sits up to stretch his sore back. “Hey,” Wille says sleepily from behind him. Simon turns to look at him, and lets out a small sigh of pain when he twists his back a little too fast. “Are you in pain?” Wille sits up fast and places a hand carefully on his back.

“I’m okay, Wille, just a little sore. It’ll be fine, don’t worry about it,” he says reassuringly, but he already knows Wille will absolutely worry about it. He reaches for his bag, digs out today’s red note and unfolds it before he reads it. Then he looks at Wille and raises an eyebrow. “Buy a Christmas tree? You’re so predictable,” he says with a laugh before he debates if he should lay back down or get out of bed. The smartest would probably be to get out of bed, because they have a long drive ahead.

But Wille grabs his arm, and pulls him back into bed overly carefully. “I had to include it, it’s a Christmas tradition,” he murmurs against Simon’s neck while he places small kisses up and down his jaw.

“Wille,” Simon starts to say, but Wille’s kisses are intoxicating, and he has to use every fiber in his body to fight not staying in bed. “We should get up, we have to drive back soon if we’re going to make it home and have time to buy the Christmas tree.”

He wrestles out of Wille’s grip, it’s not that hard because Wille basically lets him go right away, probably still afraid he’ll do something that will cause Simon pain. Wille sighs and lies still just staring up at the ceiling. “I wish we could just stay here,” he says absentmindedly, and Simon just hums a yes.

They get out of bed, and Simon starts to pack up his things, throws them back in his bag and decides to just put on the grey sweatpants. He could change when he got home later. He grabs Wille’s hoodie from the bed and walks into the kitchen. The smell of freshly brewed coffee hits him, and he pours himself a cup before leaning against the kitchen counter. Outside the clouds have taken over the sky, making everything look grey and kind of sad. But there’s also something beautiful about it, like you can’t see where the world ends and the sky begins.

“That looks very similar to the hoodie I was supposed to wear?” Wille says as he walks into the kitchen and looks over at Simon with a smirk.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about?” Simon says casually and puts on his most innocent facial expression, but his lips betray him when they start to smile.

Wille walks over to him and places his arms lightly around his waist. “I like seeing you wearing my clothes,” Wille leans in and whispers in his ear, making a shiver go uncomfortably down his spine.

“Guess I just have to keep doing that then,” Simon throws back at him. Wille leans back and smiles before he starts to get eggs and bacon out of the fridge, muttering “I guess you do,” under his breath.

They sit down to eat, the smell of fried bacon and coffee fills the cabin. Simon’s mind wanders back to the calendar. To know Wille had made if for him to help him heal his broken heart makes it so much more special. Wille always made sure he was okay, even way before they ended up here. “How did you come up with all the activities for the calendar?” he asks as he shuffles another big bite of eggs into his mouth.

“I had some help from Felice, but mostly I just thought about things you’ve told me,” Wille answers casually with a shrug of his shoulders. Like remembering every little thing Simon had told him was totally normal. And maybe that was how loving someone should be like? “I wanted it to be things that I knew you would like, and that had meaning to you. But also things that were just Christmasy.”

“But like, the beach thing, or the wish list. How did you know I used to do those things? And the Santa helper’s thing, that was so amazing?” He can’t even remember telling Wille about those things.

Wille puts his fork down and reaches over the table to take his hand. “I know you, Simon,” he begins, and yes, Simon was starting to realize that. “You told me about going to the beach after you were in Venezuela for Christmas last time, must’ve been a few years ago. And I remember seeing a wish list on your mom’s fridge the first time I had Christmas breakfast at her house. The Santa’s helpers were just perfect because you always say that Christmas is about so much more than just family and friends, it’s about making sure everyone has some joy.”

Simon just stares at him for a minute; Wille really did know him, didn’t he? Almost every activity they’d done for the last weeks was things he’d either done as a kid or traditions they had brought on together. “What else do you know about me?” Simon asks next, mostly as a joke. He looks innocently at Wille who studies him for a little while longer, like he’s deciding on what to say.

“That you always hum under your breath when you don’t think anyone hears you. How all your notes have doodles all over them, because it helps you think. You always fiddle with the hem of your shirt when you’re nervous. You tap your pen when you write, like you always have a melody in your head. And you hate accepting help, because you’re so used to taking care of yourself.” Simon sits completely still; he hadn’t expected Wille to say all that. It was small things he didn’t even think about himself. And here Wille sits and shows how much he pays attention to every little detail. It makes him feel so seen, loved, known and he can feel his eyes turn a little glassy.

“I have nothing to say to that,” he almost whispers, because what is he supposed to say to that?

Wille squeezes his hand and smiles at him before he goes back to finishing his food. “You don’t have to say anything, Simon. I love you, I love knowing you and getting to know you a little bit more every day. Like right now, where you say you’re okay, but really you’re not. But you don’t want to be a burden, because you’ve always felt the need to be the one to take care of everyone else instead of yourself.”

How many details like this did Wille have? Had he written a book about it or something? Simon opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying and failing in making up words that would tell Wille how much he appreciates that he’s chosen to get to know him like this. But he’s actually speechless right now. Marcus didn’t even remember his birthday, and here Wille sits and tells him all these small details that probably no one else sees.

They finish the breakfast in comfortable silence; Simon just lets everything still sink in. He’s going to need a little time to get used to this. Then they start to clean up and Wille orders him to sit down and rest his back while Wille carries their bags and everything else out to the car. This weekend has gone way too fast; he’s not completely ready to go home yet. Next year – same cabin, same person, he thinks and smiles to himself.

Simon puts on some soft Christmas music as Wille drives away from the cabin. Frozen trees flash past them, and it gets less and less snow the further down from the mountain they get. Simon entangles his fingers with Wille’s and Wille traces comfortable circles with his thumb on Simon’s hand.

“I’m still fine, you can drive a little faster, Wille,” Simon teases after awhile. He’s been paying attention to how fast Wille is driving. Either he doesn’t want to go back so he drives slowly, or he’s still worried about Simon’s unwillingly date with a tree yesterday.

Wille shoots him a quick look, before he speeds up a little. “I was thinking about the Christmas tree, how did you decorate when you were younger? Was it as stiff as I’m picturing it?” Simon asks. They’ve decorated Christmas trees together over the years, and Wille’s side of the tree are always way more organized than his own.

“I guess. My mom only wanted red and gold colors. Everything we made at school and stuff like that, was just hidden in the boxes. It had to match the rest of the house, you know,” Wille says while he keeps staring out on the road. Simon can almost picture a young Wille, coming home from school after making decorations, only to see them get stuffed away in a box. It makes his heart hurt for the childhood Wille had. He deserved so much better.

“I’m sorry. Christmas is supposed to be for kids, about family. It’s fun, joy, chaos,” he begins. When he thinks about his own childhood Christmases it might’ve been a little too much chaos. “I remember always decorating with Sara and my mom. It was usually just the three of us, so the ornaments were just thrown on the tree randomly.” Simon lets out a laugh, it was definitely too much chaos.

“Yeah…” Wille sighs, looking lost in thoughts. Simon squeezes his hand and it brings out a small smile on Wille’s lips. “I do like decorating with you though,” he says softly and glances quickly over at Simon.

A warm feeling spreads in his heart, maybe one day they can have their own Christmas tree together. No, that’s a little too soon…right? He can feel himself blush a little by his own thoughts. “I’m pretty sure I know what tomorrow’s activity is going to be, so maybe you can try and make a little chaos at least,” he says teasingly, because if they’re buying the tree today, they’ll probably decorate it tomorrow.

The rest of the drive goes by quickly. It might have something to do with Simon dozing off against the car window, but faster than he wished for he’s standing outside his apartment building watching Wille carry his bag from the car. “I can bring it up for you?” Wille says while walking towards him.

“I’m fine, Wille. I can carry it upstairs,” he rolls his eyes at Wille’s overprotectiveness and takes the bag from him. It does feel good though, that Wille takes care of him like this, Marcus never did. “Text me later? I need to unpack and fix a few things before we leave?”

Wille slides his arms around his waist and pulls him closer before he leans down and places a kiss on Simon’s lips. “Definitely,” he murmurs against Simon’s mouth, sending a shiver through his whole body. Then Wille kisses him again before he walks back to his car and drives away with a small wave. Simon stands outside the building just staring after the car until it’s gone around the block. Would he ever get used to this? This feeling of actually being wanted? Loved? Worshipped? It felt like everything that hurt before had finally quieted down. Like he could breathe again.

He shakes his head before he picks up his bag and walks into the building. When he walks into his apartment, it’s like something is missing. The apartment is too quiet, and not the same quiet from this morning that made him feel like he didn’t want to leave. This quiet is heavier, like he wants to just get away from it. It’s always been his apartment, his sanctuary. But now it’s like he’s just waiting for Wille to walk through the door even when he knows that’s not happening.

The bag falls to the floor with a loud thud when he drops it, and he digs his phone out of his pocket to play some music. He usually loves the quiet, but now he needs music. Christmas music fills his apartment, and he feels better right away. Simon starts to unpack his bag – which takes him way longer than normal – because his mind keeps replaying the weekend in his head.

Feeling Wille’s hands worship his body, his kisses down his neck, his chest, stomach. His warm mouth sending him over the edge one day, and his steady hand the next. Everything he said that made Simon feel so seen, Wille knew him better than he knew himself, how is that even possible? He has no idea how long he’s been standing by the window in his bedroom with a hoodie in his hand, thinking about it. But he suddenly shakes his head, feeling his body react to the thoughts in ways he doesn’t have time to deal with right now.

He empties the rest of his bag in the laundry basket and sits down on the couch to quickly go through his work email just to be sure he doesn’t have anything special for tomorrow. He would be surprised if he did, since they always use the last day before Christmas break to clean the office and have Christmas lunch, but you never know. Better to check than be surprised tomorrow.

When there’s nothing he needs to know he closes his laptop and leans back on the couch for a minute. A sting in his back reminds him of the painful part of the weekend. He’s not sure if he really remembers the fall itself. He remembers hitting something and losing his footing, but the next thing he remembers is lying with snow all over him and a small pain in his back. Maybe it was for the best that he didn’t remember all of it. He really had felt like he would be able to do it at the time. Looking back now, maybe it wasn’t the smartest decision he’s ever made.

Wille had looked so scared, and it had made Simon feel bad for doing it in the first place. But he’s also a little proud of himself for going through with it. The thing that had hit him in the moment was what would Marcus have done, if it was him who were there and not Wille? Wille made loving him look like the easiest, best thing in the world. Marcus had made it look like some effort he had to put a lot of work into sometimes.

There’s not one person who’s as good as Wille, and how Kristina can’t even see that in her own son, Simon will never know. After everything Wille has made for himself, Kristina still manages to make him feel like he’s not enough. She casts shadows over every good achievement Wille does, and Simon would like to punch her in the face for it. He’s well aware that she’s not his biggest fan, but he’s not hers either.

His phone vibrates with a text and he picks it up so fast that he almost loses it. His heart sinks a little when he sees it’s not from Wille but from his group chat with Rosh and Ayub.

Rosh: How was the weekend with lover boy?

Ayub: We need details

Simon: Haha. You’re not getting details. It was amazing though.

Ayub: You have to give use more than amazing, Simme

Simon: Incredible? Wonderful? Perfect?

Rosh: SIMME! Come on, you’ve never kept things from us before. Was he that good?

Simon can feel warmth creep up his neck, and his cheeks go red just by Rosh’s text. They usually shared everything; he had way too many details about Elina swirling around in his head for sure. But something about Wille makes him want to keep the details to himself.

He types and retypes the message a dozen times, before he ends up making it easy.

Simon: It was the best ever. Happy? And I’ve never felt more loved in my life. And that’s all you get by the way. I’m about to head out.

Ayub: Don’t think we’re done here, we definitely need to know more about “the best ever.” Trust me!

Rosh: Ooohhh, you’re spilling more later.

Simon shakes his head at his friends’ texts with a smile. He loves how much they care, always have. Another message drops in on his phone, and his heart takes up speed the minute he sees it’s from Wille.

Wille: meet me in Santa land in 30?

He texts Wille back with a quick YES<3 and runs into the bathroom to make sure he actually looks presentable enough to be seen outside. Deciding that he does, he puts his jacket and shoes on and runs for the subway. 30 minutes later he walks into Santa land, fairy lights still shining from the trees around him through the thin white layer of snow.

Suddenly he feels someone grab his hand. He turns around to see Wille next to him with a smile on his face, and his stomach does a small backflip. He’d seen Wille just a couple of hours ago – what was happening? “Hey, sunshine,” Wille says and leans in to kiss him.

Simon smiles against Wille’s lips finally feeling whole again. “Hey,” he says almost a little shy. This was the first time they were out in public were people who actually knew them could see it. It feels both overwhelming and absolutely safe. Like nothing bad can touch him if Wille is next to him.

They walk over to where the Christmas trees has been put up, the smell of pinecones and wood flows around them, and it gives Simon a new Christmas spirit infusion. “What kind of tree do you want?” Wille asks as he stops by a huge tree that there’s no way Simon will fit into his small apartment.

“I don’t know. Maybe we should just put it at your house? It’s a way bigger space than my tiny apartment?” he says without actually thinking about it. It just felt natural, that they could buy and decorate a tree at Wille’s place. That Simon was welcome enough to make decisions in Wille’s home.

When Wille doesn’t answer right away, Simon suddenly feels like he might’ve said the wrong thing. Maybe Wille didn’t even want a tree this year, or maybe he wanted something that was more organized than Simon’s chaos. “Sure, that would be nice,” Wille says eventually when he emerges from behind another big tree, and Simon lets out the breath he apparently was holding. “But let’s get a small one. I don’t think I want these huge ones in my house.”

After wandering among the trees for a little while longer, Simon’s eyes land on what to him is the perfect tree. A little crooked, small, and with enough branches to fill all his chaos. “What about that one?” he calls to Wille who comes over and looks over his shoulder.

“That’s perfect,” he says while he tilts his head a little to the side. Simon isn’t quite sure if he says it because Simon liked it or because Wille actually thinks it’s perfect. But Wille smiles and Simon nearly forgets what he was thinking about so he lets it go. “I’ll go talk to the seller.”

Simon walks over to the tree and looks at it more closely, it’s actually just as not-perfect as he remembers the trees they had when he was younger looked like. He likes that it’s not perfect, that’s the whole point. “Hey, Simon,” someone calls behind him and a chill goes through him when his brain recognizes the voice.

Marcus.

His brain starts to work, and he wishes he could just vanish from the face of the earth right now. Footsteps come up behind him, and when he realizes there’s nowhere for him to hide, he turns around and sends Marcus the most fake smile he can manage.

“It’s good to see you,” Marcus says and pulls him into a hug. Simon can feel his whole body stiffen, and he gets an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

“Hey, Marcus,” he manages to stutter when Marcus lets him go again, and he takes a step back feeling like he needs more space between them. “What are you doing here?” It’s basically the stupidest thing he could’ve asked, since probably everyone here wanted to buy a Christmas tree. But he meant it more like, what was Marcus doing here right in front of his face thinking that Simon actually wanted to talk to him?

Marcus sends him one of his slick smiles that Simon used to fall for, but now just makes him want to crawl into himself. “Looking for a Christmas tree. But then I saw you, and I just want to say I’ve been miserable without you. You were always so good to me, we were good to each other,” Marcus says and Simon hates that he still feels obligated to make Marcus feel better. But he doesn’t say anything; trying his best to keep his face expressionless. “I miss you, Simon. No one will love you like I did, like I still do.” Marcus takes a step closer and reaches out to stroke his arm.

His name in Marcus’s mouth sounds so wrong. He hates that Marcus manages to bring out all his self-doubt and guilt. Like he can feel how he changes into someone he doesn’t like when Marcus looks at him like he still owns him. Then his brain decides to bring out the memories of Wille telling him how easy he is to love, how loved he’s felt the last few days, and how seen he’s felt this whole month.

It brings him courage, so he shakes Marcus’s hand off him and looks him straight in the eyes. “What we had wasn’t love, Marcus. And I don’t hear an apology. And even if I did, I wouldn’t forgive you, because then I wouldn’t be able forgive myself,” Simon says, his voice shaking slightly and Marcus smiles that smile he gives when he’s sure he’s won. A part of him wishes Wille was there to support him, to guide him. But he also feels very confident by himself right now, so he decides to throw it at Marcus.

“If you did what he does. If you loved like he loves, I probably would’ve stayed.” His voice more steady now. He’s not sure if Marcus understands who he’s talking about, but it doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t deserve to know. “That’s the crazy part, I thought you loved me, but you never did. And I don’t think I loved you either. But I want to thank you, for showing me the right direction, to show me where to go to feel what love is supposed to be like.” It feels amazing to watch the shock spread on Marcus’s face. Standing up to Marcus is exactly what he’s wanted to do for the last four weeks, maybe it’s something he should’ve done all along.

For the first time for as long as Simon has known him, Marcus doesn’t have a comeback. So Simon turns around to walk away, and the first person he sees is Wille. He stands a few steps away, a mix of concern and anger on his face, like he’s ready to jump in if Simon needs him. The minute their eyes meet Wille sends him a look asking if he’s okay, and Simon’s heart blooms with love. It’s such a small thing, and probably something only he can see, which makes it mean so much more. Simon smiles at him reassuringly, and Wille’s expression changes too. His lips turn into a big smile and Simon can’t help it.

He runs towards Wille and throws himself in Wille’s waiting arms. It’s as romantic Christmas movie cliché as it gets, but fuck it. He deserves that after everything. Wille spins him around, and Simon laughs. He feels free. Safe. Loved. “Do you know I’m the luckiest guy in the world?” Wille murmurs against his lips when he places him back on the ground. And Simon closes the few inches between them in a kiss. Show it in Marcus’s face, in everyone’s faces. Love used to mean waiting for the next heartbreak. Now it was Wille spinning him around and kiss him between Christmas trees, not because he felt like he owned him, but because he wanted everyone to see how lucky he was to be with him.

“Ready to go?” Wille asks a little breathless when they pull apart. Simon isn’t sure how long they’ve been standing there kissing amongst the Christmas trees, fairy lights and the smell of Christmas, but he doesn’t care either. He just nods up at Wille, with a smile on his face, almost feeling like he’s flying.

Simon turns around to walk back and get their tree, not expecting to still see Marcus standing exactly where he left him, next to their crooked tree. He’s just staring at them, his mouth a thin line on his face. Simon takes Wille’s hand and walk towards him. He opens his mouth to tell him to leave, but Wille beats him to it. “I think maybe you should leave, this is our tree. Might be some sad ones on the other side there, perfect for you.”

Marcus’s eyes shine with anger and Simon can’t hide the giggle coming from his mouth. He tries his best not to smile, but he just can’t help it. He looks from Wille to Marcus and back, neither of them looking away for several seconds. Then Marcus breaks the eye contact, sends Simon a look he can’t quite read, and walks away.

Simon looks up at Wille and leans up on his toes. “That was kind of hot,” he whispers, and watches Wille’s face go from hateful to surprised to something very close to lustful in the matter of seconds.

“Hot, huh?” Wille murmurs and pulls Simon closer to him. Simon hums a yes under his breath before he leans up to meet Wille’s lips with his own. “We should get back,” Wille sighs and lets him go reluctantly. But Simon just smiles.

They fasten the tree in Wille’s car and drive back to Wille’s house with it. Dragging it into Wille’s living room leaves pines all over his floor and laughter fills Wille’s house as they almost lose it at least three times. But it fits perfectly in Wille’s space when they’ve managed to place it in the Christmas tree stand.

Simon leans against Wille, who puts his arm around his shoulder, and they just stand there admiring the tree for a second. “Are you okay? It looked pretty intense with Marcus?” Wille asks softly and places a kiss in his curls.

“Yeah, it was. I hate that he makes me feel so small, even now,” he begins and Wille pulls him into a hug, mumbling “I’m sorry.” Simon feels himself relax and melts into the hug. Here he’s safe, here he’s wanted, not owned. “I don’t know if I could’ve stood up to him if it weren’t for you.”

Wille leans back and looks curiously at him. “I didn’t do anything? That was all you, I just told him to fine a tree that fit his personality.” Wille smiles and Simon can’t help it, it’s the truth.

“You didn’t have to. I just knew you were there with me. And that was all the support I needed,” Simon says and leans up to leave a kiss on Wille’s lips. Wille tightens his arms around him, like he’s not sure what to say so he hopes his actions talk for him. And it does, it always does. He might’ve mistaken Marcus’s ownership for love. But standing here in Wille’s arms, it feels as easy as breathing, like peace. Like he’s finally home.

Chapter Text

Wille

When his alarm goes off Monday morning, Wille feels disoriented. It’s like something is missing. Waking up next to Simon for two days was all it took for him to get too used to the feeling. So now that he’s waking up alone it feels too empty, too quiet.

Standing on the sideline watching Simon with Marcus yesterday had brought back a million negative feelings. Seeing Marcus touch him had haunted his dreams all night. He knows Simon loves him, he trusts him with his life, but in the moment he couldn’t shake the fear of losing him all over again. He hated Marcus, hated how he’d treated Simon, how much he’d hurt him. Hates that he’ll never be the first to love Simon, but he wants to be the last.

He hadn’t meant to be eavesdropping, but his protective instinct had kicked in. When Simon had said that what he and Marcus had wasn’t love, Wille had wanted to run to him. Not to save him, but to just show him that he was there for him. That Simon wasn’t alone. He knows how hard saying those words must’ve been for him, especially after their conversation at the slope on Saturday. Simon thought that Marcus felt loving him was hard, but in the end he never actually did.

But he’d also felt an immense amount of pride. He was so proud of Simon for standing up to the person that had broken him down and made him feel like nothing for two years. And when Simon turned and looked at him, smiled and ran to him, Wille felt like the luckiest person in the world.

Because nothing could compare to that feeling. Simon ran to him. Him! Knowing that he was Simon’s safe space, made his heart burst with more love than he thought was possible. And what if he sent Marcus a small victorious look the minute he caught Simon in his arms? The guy deserved it for sure.

His alarm goes off for the third time, and he gets out of bed to get ready for one last day of work before Christmas break. It’s almost stupid that he has to go to work for one day, but it is what it is. There won’t be that much work today anyway. A meeting to go through the numbers of the whole year that’ll take half his day probably, then lunch and clean out his office. Hopefully he can leave early.

He gets dressed, makes coffee and a small breakfast before heading for the car, when his phone vibrates. He smiles as he picks it up until he realizes it’s probably not Simon, since it’s only 07.30 in the morning. 

Felice: Call me. I want to know everything. 

Of course she wants to know everything. Wille smiles to himself as he gets into the car and drives out of his driveway. He calls Felice right away – he only has about twenty minutes. And if she wants to know everything he has to start talking. She picks up right away. “So, how was it? Tell me everything. I want details,” she says eagerly, and Wille can picture her nearly bouncing on her couch.

“Hello to you too,” he jokes, knowing that she’ll probably almost toss her phone in frustration. The thing is, he’s not sure how much he wants to share. Every other person he’s been with only for a night or in a short relationship has been people Felice didn’t know from before. She knows Simon, and he doesn’t want to share too much to protect Simon’s privacy.

“Wille, come on. You have to give me something. What did you do? Talk about? Cozy in front of the fire place?” he can hear by the way she says the last words that she definitely means something other than just chilling by the fire and he’s happy she can’t see him. Because his smile would betray him right away.

“Fine, I’ll tell you, but you won’t get all the details,” he starts before he tells her about everything that happened the whole weekend. “It’s been the best weekend ever, Felice. Waking up today – I felt so empty. Oh, and we ran into Marcus yesterday when we bought the Christmas tree.”

For a second it’s just quiet, and he’s sure Felice is trying to figure out which question to ask first. “I’m very happy that you had a great weekend, despite Simon hurting himself. And I’m going to drag some more details from you about that moment, as you call it. But I need to know what happened with Marcus?”

“I wasn’t there exactly, I just watched Simon handling it. He basically told Marcus to go to hell, in many nice words. And I might’ve sent Marcus a smile telling him I won when Simon came running back to me,” he says as he parks his car at the work garage.

“You did not?” Felice’s voice comes amused through his speakers. So he just hums and gets out of the car. “Well, the guy is an asshole, so he probably deserved it.”

And Wille is definitely agreeing with that. “I have to get into work, Felice. But I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he says as he walks through the door and presses the elevator button. His phone vibrates with a text almost the minute he hangs up the call.

Felice: Don’t screw this up. You deserve to be happy.

Wille shakes his head at the text. Why would he screw up something he’s dreamed about for years? But then again, with his track record anything is possible. He runs quickly to his own office to pick up his notes before he sits down in the meeting room, actually being early despite snoozing his alarm three times. The meeting room is decorated with red and gold, and a chain of lights down the table. 

He scrolls his phone for a minute before it vibrates with a text from Simon and Wille’s lips turn into a big smile.

Simon: Good morning my predictable boyfriend. When shall I come over to decorate?

“You look disgustingly happy,” Henry says as he dumps down next to Wille. Wille looks up at him and flashes him another smile to prove Henry’s point. He was disgustingly happy, and he wasn’t planning on hiding it. Simon just called him his boyfriend, and he would never be tired of hearing that, or reading it in this case.

“So what if I am?” he says, ignoring Henry’s playful eye roll.

Wille: Good morning, sunshine. You’re up early? I need to drop by my parents after work, can’t delay it anymore. I’ll probably be home at 17.00 ish?

Simon: Want me to come with you?

If it is one thing he doesn’t want to do, it’s dragging Simon into the mess of his family if he didn’t have to. Simon was too good, finally starting to believe in himself again. Kristina wasn’t going to ruin that. Simon really had bloomed over the last weeks. From the shell of a boy that broke down at Wille’s doorstep a month ago, to the stronger version who had confidence and guts to stand up to the person who broke him. Maybe one day he could really do the same?

Wille: No, it’s fine. Just come by my place sometime after 17.00? Dinner?

Simon: Let me know if you change your mind, okay? I’ll be happy to come with you. I can bring take out for dinner.

The room is starting to get crowded and Wille puts his phone away when his boss comes in. “I expect to hear everything from your weekend during lunch,” Henry leans in and whispers in his ear. And they should probably just invite everyone and have joint story time because he’s pretty sure Simon is going through the same with Ayub and Rosh. But he smiles and nods and Henry looks happy with that.

The meeting feels like an eternity, as it always does when they’re going through the whole year. When lunch arrives Wille is starting to feel the uncomfortable, familiar knot in his stomach that comes with seeing his parents. He knows Kristina will demand answers on why he’s spending Christmas with Simon this year. And he’ll probably tell her that they are together now, and it probably won’t make her happy. Could he just place the gifts outside the door and run?

“Where’s your mind at, man? You look like you’re going to throw up. What happened to disgustingly happy Wille?” Henry asks as he sits down with his lunch.

Wille doesn’t feel like eating, so he pours himself another cup of coffee and takes a deep breath. “I have to go to my parents after work. And I really don’t want too. My mom will probably ask a million questions without giving me any time to actually answer any of them and tell me how I’m letting her down by spending Christmas with Simon this year,” sometimes he’s not even sure why he bothers trying to have a relationship with her.

“I’m sorry, Wille. That sucks. But think about it this way, you have to go there to deliver the presents, and then you don’t have to see them again until after Christmas,” Henry says trying to be positive, and Wille knows that. It’s the only thing he’s clinging too. That he can spend Christmas with his boyfriend, and not with his parents. “Tell me about the weekend, it’ll take your mind of it.” So Wille tells him the same things he told Felice, and he does feel better after.

When his office is probably cleaner than it has ever been – because he used extra time to delay his visit – he just sits down by his desk. Henry appears in his doorway asking if he’s ready to go. Wille picks up his bag and walks to his car chatting with Henry. It feels good to just talk about normal stuff to get his mind off tings.

“You got this. Just drop the presents off, and leave. Remember, you don’t owe her anything,” Henry says and claps his shoulder before he walks over to his own car with a wave. That was true; Wille didn’t owe his mom anything. She hadn’t been there for him, why did he feel like he had to please her all the time?

The drive goes by way too fast, and before he’s ready, Kristina and Ludvig’s mansion looms in front of him. It’s beautifully decorated with lights and wreaths, the trees up the road are filled with snowflake lights, but Wille can’t enjoy any of it. Mostly because he knows his parents’ hired people to put it up, but also because he remembers how much fuss it was about it when he was a kid.

All the decorations had to match, it was different colors for different rooms, and he never got to participate in it. It was supposed to look good, nothing else. He parks the car and walks slowly up the stairs, takes a deep breath and opens the door. The house smells like soap, like it’s just been cleaned. It’s like the smell of childhood.

“Mom?” he calls, his voice echoing in the big house. For a moment there’s just silence, and it feels too heavy and too familiar. Wille hates it.

Then footsteps come echoing through the house and his mom walks out from her office. Of course she was working. “Wilhelm, there you are. What took you so long?” she asks and Wille wants to just crawl into himself and disappear.

“I had to work, mom. Where do you want these?” he says short and holds out the bag with the gifts.

Kristina ushers him inside and he follows her into the living room where a huge Christmas tree is decorated in only red and gold, perfectly balanced with an equal amount of each color strategically placed. Wille shakes his head lightly, he won’t do that this year, this year it was chaos all the way. Would he even manage that? Or was his mother’s decoration traumas injected in his blood? Guess he’ll find out later.

Kristina takes the bag from him with a stiff smile and places it neatly under the tree next to a few other gifts. Wille stands restless by the door, almost ready to just run out of there when she hands him his present. But she just sits down and looks at him instead. So he deflates and sits down next to her with a sigh.

“Wilhelm. Why don’t you come over on Christmas Eve? We’ll have dinner and open presents and have a nice time together?” she says and pats him lightly on the hand.

“I’m going to spend Christmas with Simon this year. There’s nothing more to discuss,” his voice shakes slightly, and he digs his nail into the palm of his hand to calm himself. Bad coping mechanism, but right now it’s all he’s got.

Kristina sighs and straightens her back before she looks at him. Her eyes bore into him, like she’s trying to spill all his secrets and he has to look away. “Why do you have to be so difficult, Wilhelm? Christmas should be spent with family.”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing, mother,” he can hear himself say, louder than he had planned on. So this was the moment he was going to explode on her? Great! Kristina looks a little surprised at him for a second, but then her face turns back to stone. “I’m spending Christmas with my boyfriend, and he’s more family than you and dad has ever been.” The minute the words are out, he regrets them. He isn’t known for talking back to his mom, this might be the first time. But he’s not trying to be difficult; he’s only trying to actually have a nice Christmas for once in his life.

“You don’t mean that,” Kristina says like she’s placing the words in his mouth. Wille wants to scream at her that truer words have never left his mouth, but before he has time to say anything she keeps talking. “Boyfriend?” Wille can feel a small smile twitch at his lips, it’s like a reflex, he can’t help it. He hadn’t even thought about it when the word left his lips, it was as natural as breathing. 

He looks at Kristina, but he can’t read her. He’s not sure if she means it in a good or bad way, and it makes him very uncomfortable. There’s a long silence following her question, Kristina waits for him to speak, Wille waits for her to start criticizing, because he knows it’ll come.

After a small uncomfortable silence he decides to not sit here and wait for it. So he stands up from the couch and walks towards the door. “Yes, boyfriend. And I’m going to leave now because he’s waiting for me. So I hope you and dad have a good Christmas. I’ll drop by for Christmas Day dinner, if that’s still happening?”

They used to have Christmas Day dinner where they invited every part of the family. Wille barely knew any of them, but again, it was tradition. And he could at least join that. “Make sure to bring Simon then,” Kristina says emotionless. She stands up too and picks up a small gift and hands it to him. At least she listened to some of the things that came out of his mouth, because he hadn’t mentioned Simon specifically being his boyfriend. But she managed to put two and two together.

“Maybe,” he answers flat, because he’s not sure he wants Simon to be a part of this element of his family. But maybe that should be up to Simon to choose? “Merry Christmas, mom. And thanks.” He holds up the gift she gave him before he walks out.

Walking back to his car he almost feels a little sad, and he hates that Kristina manages to make him feel like that without actually saying anything. But she looks at him like he’s the one hurting her, like he’s the disappointment who can’t be the perfect son. And he probably never will be – that spot is still held for his dead brother.

Wille drives away, watching as the mansion turns smaller in his rearview mirror. It’s like he can breathe more freely as more and more space is laid between him and the house. It had felt almost overwhelmingly freeing to say he was spending Christmas with his boyfriend out loud. Even if he’s still not sure what Kristina feels about it, it doesn’t really matter. Because calling Simon his boyfriend makes him prouder than he’s ever been before.

When he parks in his driveway, there’s already light inside his house and he smiles to himself as he opens the door. He can hear Simon humming to the music playing and everything he just had to torture himself through is washed out of his mind. Because being able to come home to his own house and Simon already being there is something he wishes he can do over and over again.

“Hey,” he calls as he closes the door and places his shoes neatly by the door. Simon’s sneakers are thrown one on each side of the entryway, and it makes Wille feel even more at home in his own house. And of course Simon still wore sneakers even if it was freezing outside.

The living room smells like tomatoes and garlic and pasta and definitely not like cheap take out. When he walks in he can see a casserole on the table and Simon comes out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine. “What’s this?” Wille asks as he walks over and places a kiss on Simon’s waiting lips.

“I left work early. So I dropped by the store and bought what I needed to make lasagna,” he says casually before he pours wine in the glasses and gesticulates Wille to sit down. “You’ve done so much for me this month; I wanted to do something nice for you too.”

It’s too easy to get used to this. Coming home to Simon, waking up next to him, cook for each other. It’s almost scary how comfortable and effortless it is. Loving Simon has always been easy, and Wille is sure it’ll continue to be easy for as long as he’ll live. But shouldn’t something be a little bit tricky?

Wille shakes his head before he takes a sip of the wine. “You didn’t have to do that, but thank you. It smells amazing.”

“I wanted to,” Simon says with a smile that warms Wille’s heart to its core. “How did it go with your parents?”

Wille scoops some lasagna on his plate and sighs, which apparently is all the answer Simon needs to reach out and place his hand over Wille’s. “She asked me why I was being so difficult and looked at me like I’m her biggest disappointment. Saying that Christmas should be spent with family. So I told her I was. Might’ve slipped out that you’re my boyfriend, and she asked me to bring you on Christmas Day dinner,” he rambles on, and it actually feels better to say it out loud. Like it doesn’t take up so much space inside his brain.

Simon looks at him a little worried and squeezes his hand. “Do you want me to come?” he asks a little unsure. And Wille isn’t exactly sure what to say. He loves his chosen family, it’s where he feels safe, protected, loved. Mixing it with his blood family that makes him feel like a failure, doesn’t sound like the best idea. But having Simon there would bring him comfort.

“I do. But I also don’t want to put you through that, Simon. You know how my parents are. I don’t want them to make you feel…small, or judged, or not enough,” he stops speaking when Simon gets up from his chair and walks over to him. Wille pushes the chair a little away from the table so Simon can sit down on his lap.

Simon’s lips taste faintly of wine as he leans in and kisses him. It’s slightly intoxicating and Wille has to focus on the words coming out of his mouth. His previous worries almost forgotten. “Then I’m coming,” he says, like it’s already decided.

“Do you know how much I love you?” Wille murmurs against Simon’s lips. He might’ve dreamt about this for years, but it was always dreams. It feels a little surreal that he's sitting here with Simon now, telling him he loves him out loud and not just in his head.

“I have my suspicions,” Simon whispers and kisses him again. And Wille could eat cold dinner for the rest of his life, if it meant he could kiss Simon. “I love you too. Now we should eat, because the food is getting cold.”

They eat Simon’s delicious lasagna and Wille tells him about how the Christmas Day dinner usually plays out. After they’ve eaten, Simon insists on cleaning up while Wille digs out the ornaments for the tree. He fills up their glasses of wine and starts organizing the ornaments. It’s a habit and he doesn’t really think about it until Simon comes out of the kitchen and mixes everything up.

“You’re impossible,” Wille mumbles with a smile, but hadn’t he also told himself earlier that he wasn’t going to do the stiff, organized decorating this year?

“Well, you’re boring,” Simon throws back at him with a wink before he takes the Christmas lights and organizes them around the tree. When the lights are in place they start with the ornaments. Soft Christmas music fills Wille’s living room, Simon hums along, their hands brush lightly together when they pick up another ornament. Wille looks over at Simon as they stand on either side of the tree, and Simon looks up to meet his eyes. There’s something uncertain and a little shy about it, and it catches Wille off guard for a second. But he brushes it off, it’s probably nothing. They decorate in silence for a while, but it’s not silent. It’s just peaceful.

When Michael Bublé’s All I want for Christmas is you comes on, Wille walks over to Simon and takes his hand. “Dance with me?” he asks and Simon looks a little puzzled at him. He’s not a big dancer, but he feels a bit emotional and just wants to keep Simon close. There’s only two more days of the calendar left, and he’s both a little sad and happy about it. He wants to hold on to it a little while longer before it disappears. Because what will happen when the calendar is done, and the activities won’t give him an excuse to see Simon every single day?

Simon slides both his arms around Wille’s neck and Wille places his hands on Simon’s hips and his cheek against Simon’s. It might not be considered dancing, more like swaying to the music. But it doesn’t really matter. “Where did this come from?” Simon whispers softly and buries his face in the crook of Wille’s neck as best as he can.

“I don’t know. I just thought about the calendar,” Wille murmurs into Simon’s curls. “About when you sang at the bonfire, about how the days will be when I don’t have a concrete reason to see you every day.”

Simon tightens his grip around his neck. “You know you can see me every day even without the calendar, right? We’ve always spent a lot of time together,” Simon says quietly. Wille knows that, he’s not scared that they won’t work out; he’s not scared that he’ll ever lose Simon. He’s scared to let this quiet, sweet, loving December bubble go.

Wille pulls back a little to look at Simon. “I know that, I guess this calendar thing has just felt like something special. And it’ll be a little sad to let it go,” he smiles before leaning down to place a kiss on Simon’s lips. “Let’s finish this tree, shall we?” Maybe it’s okay that it feels a little sad, it doesn’t mean the next months will be bad. They will just be different, filled with other memories and activities they can come up with together.

When Simon hangs the last ornament on the tree, they both take a step back to look at it. Wille switches off the light and the crooked tree lights up, feeling like a universe made just for them. It’s pure chaos, and Wille loves it. This is what a decorated tree is supposed to look like. He puts his arm around Simon’s shoulder and pulls him close.

“I forgot to tell you,” Simon says suddenly and swirls out of Wille’s grip on him. Wille startles a little at his sudden movement. “I sent that email. To the small artist, about my song.”

“What?’ Wille exclaims, his voice a pitch higher than usual. He clears his throat before he speaks again. “Simon, that’s incredible. I’m so proud of you.”

Simon grins at him, but Wille knows him. So he takes Simon hands that are fiddling with the hem of his hoodie in his, and strokes circles over his knuckles. “Are you nervous?” he asks softly.

“A little, maybe? I know the artist likes the song, but it still feels weird that it’ll be my song,” Simon looks down on their joined hands while he speaks.

“Come here,” Wille says and pulls Simon with him over to the couch, the only light in the room shines from the Christmas tree, casting a dim light over them. Wille sits down and Simon lies his head in Wille’s lap, Wille’s fingers running through his curls softly. “You deserve this, Simon. The world should hear your music, your art.” Whatever happens with Simon’s music, Wille knows they’ll figure it out together. They always do, even after everything that has happened over the last years, Marcus, jealousy, bad communication, they’ve come out stronger on the other side. They’ll do the same with this.

“Thank you, for always believing in me.” Simon looks up and meets his eyes. They shine again, the way they do when he’s excited about something. But there’s a ghost behind the sparkle, so small probably no one else can see it. But Wille takes a notice in it. 

“I hope you know I’ll always be proud of you,” Wille whispers. If it’s one thing he needs Simon to know, to believe – it’s that he can do whatever he wants to do, if he just believes in himself.

“I know.”

Felice’s text from this morning plays in his head. Don’t screw this up. You deserve to be happy. He wasn’t planning on screwing anything up. He was in it for the long run. Whatever got thrown at them, they would figure it out. As long as they were together.

“I should go home. It’s late,” Simon suddenly says, and Wille might’ve dozed off for a second, because his heart is racing like something had spooked him.

It takes him a second to realize what Simon just said. “Why?” he asks, his voice sounding sleepy. “Can’t you just sleep here?” Wille can’t come up with one single reason for why he has to go home.

“You sure?” Simon asks and sits up to look at him. What’s going on? Why was Simon suddenly asking for permission to sleep at his house?

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? I want you here all the time, Simon,” Wille says and sits up too. He tries to read Simon’s face, his body language, the tone in his voice for any signs on what is going on.

When Simon’s gaze goes a little blank, and he doesn’t meet Wille’s eyes, his fingers start to fiddle with his hoodie, the light goes on in Wille’s brain.

He’s still scared.

Scared it’s still just a bubble that’ll burst soon and things will get weird. Scared that he can’t live up to Wille’s expectations, like he’d said out on Felice’s balcony. Wille searches his brain for the right words to say to make Simon see that whatever happens it would still be the two of them, that he didn’t have to change for him. But his brain is mush and he wants the words to be right and secure enough. So for now he pretends he doesn’t see it, and he’ll figure out the words in the morning.

“I have to be at breakfast at my mom’s in the morning though,” Simon says a little unsure. Wille lifts his chin and leans in to kiss him.

“I’ll drive you, that’s not a problem,” he says and gets up from the couch and reaches out his hand to Simon. “Come, let’s go to bed.”

The light from the crooked, chaos decorated Christmas tree flickers. Simon takes his hand and sends him a small smile. It would be enough for now; tomorrow he would figure out exactly what to say to make Simon see that it would always be the two of them. One way or another.