Chapter Text
Simon
It’s been a week. A week of sleepless nights, exhausting days and burying himself in as much work as humanly possible. Simon has actually been looking forward to December this year. Christmas was one of his favorite holidays, and having a boyfriend during it always made it better.
Now he has to go through December single, trying his best to mend his broken heart. Thinking back now, he can see that maybe he’d seen Marcus through a light that was slowly starting to fade. But even if Marcus hadn’t been the person Simon thought he was, Simon had still really liked the guy. So it hasn’t been his favorite week, and it probably won’t be his favorite month either.
He knew he’d been working maybe a little too much the past week, when his boss stopped by his desk and basically ordered him to go home early and relax today.
Simon isn’t quite sure how to relax if he’s being honest. So now he just lies on his couch and stares up at the ceiling. And when his brain has nothing to occupy itself with, it spins and twists to find out what he’d done wrong to deserve Marcus cheating on him.
Outside his window it’s snowing, which isn’t that normal in Stockholm on December 1st. Usually he would be all over Christmas decorations and Christmas music and movies by now. But he can’t bring himself to do any of it.
His phone vibrates with a text. Simon debates if it’s actually worth sitting up and grabbing it or not. He gives it a few more seconds before his curiosity gets the best of him. He lets out a sigh and sits up to pick up his phone and check the text.
Wille: Hey, how are you today? Still up for take out later?
Wille has basically checked in with him every day. Simon appreciates it, probably more than he’s been able to explain to Wille. But he’s been taking on so much work that he’s barely seen him since the day he broke down on Wille’s front porch. It still feels nice to know that he has someone who cares enough to check in all the time.
Wille is his best friend, and he can’t even imagine his life without Wille in it. Eating take-out with Wille would probably be a good distraction today. So he texts him back with a smile. Wille always was the best to make him smile even when he was sad and lost.
Simon: My boss sent me home early, been just hanging on the couch. Looking forward to take-out later.
He throws his phone on the other side of the couch and lets out a loud sigh. He can’t remember if he’s eaten anything today at all. In fact, he’s barely eaten all week. Maybe it’s time to stop the worst pity party and try to get past this instead?
So he slowly gets off the couch, and drags his feet across the small apartment towards the kitchen. But he never reaches the kitchen before a knock on his door makes him stop and think. It’s in the middle of the day, Wille won’t be here for at least a few hours, and he usually never knocks anyway. Who else would visit him in the middle of the day on a Monday?
He walks over to the door, then hesitates for a second. What if it’s his mom? Or even worse, Sara? He loves both his mom and his sister very much, but he’s definitely not in the mood to discuss his failed relationship with either of them right now.
They know the relationship is over, but he hasn’t told them why or what Marcus had done. His mom adored Marcus. He was good with parents, and Simon’s mom had fallen for his charm the same way Simon had.
This is stupid, standing on the other side of the door, unsure to open it. Whoever it was, he would have to just face it. So he opens it and confusion washes over him. The only thing outside his door is a box and not a person.
Simon looks around the hallway, but there’s not anyone to be seen. Just closed doors. A window at the end of the hall on one side, and the elevator on the other. He looks at the box, furrows his eyebrows. Maybe it’s a bomb or something? Had Marcus turned so desperate?
He has tried to call and text, telling Simon he was sorry, that he’s realized what a dick he’s been. But when Simon never picked up or responded to his texts he’d gotten a rather angry voice message yesterday. Marcus had stated that Simon had been the problem for not being able to give Marcus what he needed. That Simon was the one giving up and he should burn in hell.
If anyone of them would end up in hell, it would probably be Marcus.
No, it’s definitely not a bomb. Marcus might be a douchebag, but he’s not delusional. Could his mom have sent it? No, she would probably have delivered it herself.
Simon picks up the box, carries it inside and puts it on the table. A card is taped on the top, and he opens it to read whatever message is written there.
Simon! Here’s your cure to heartbreak. An advent calendar that gives you something to do every day until Christmas. It’ll keep your mind occupied. Hope you’ll have fun.
He reads the computer typed message twice. It doesn’t say who it’s from. Could it be Sara? No, his sister would probably have handwritten it, or at least added a few smiley faces. And it’s not like Sara to keep secrets from him…but it’s still something she could’ve done, maybe?
No, there’s only one person who would do something like this, right?
Simon smiles to himself and warmth spreads in his chest. Wille has always been there for him, no matter what. In the middle of the night and he’d had a fight with Marcus, Wille opened his door from him and let him sleep until he was stupid enough to go back. On a weekend trip and Marcus had suddenly gotten jealous at the bartender because he was convinced Simon went along with his flirting. Marcus had locked the door to their hotel room and Wille had driven the two hours from Stockholm to pick him up.
Wille is always there. The chocolate calendar Simon got every December has almost become a symbol of their friendship. The first one he got five years ago had meant so much to him; he needed to keep the box to remind himself that he was lucky enough to have a friend like Wille. His other friends were always present when he needed them, but Wille was present when he didn’t even know he needed it. But if it was Wille, wouldn’t he have made it more personal? Unless he wanted to hide it…
What if Marcus WAS playing with him? God, if it was Marcus he should throw the whole thing out the window.
Simon puts the card on the table and opens the box instead of dwelling more on who it might be from. He’s at least going to look at what it is. Inside is another box, beautifully decorated with snowflakes, Santa hats, Christmas trees, and other Christmas symbols and with 24 small doors to open. Simon strokes the box with his fingers.
Marcus had his moments for sure, but this doesn’t feel like him. This feels like someone who really cares about him. Or maybe it would be easier for someone who didn’t know him that well to leave a computer typed note?
For a minute he hesitates, should he wait and open it with Wille, just in case. But he’s curious to what’s inside. So he searches the box for door number one and opens it slowly. Inside is a small red note, folded neatly together. Simon takes it and opens it with shaky fingers. He hasn’t even realized that his hands had started to shake. His heart beats a little faster with every piece that gets unfolded.
You always loved Christmas, it’s time you make your home look like it. Decorate! You know you’ll feel more joyful after!
So this is what it’s going to be like. A task for every day? Simon wonders if it’ll just be tasks like this or other activities as well. One thing he’s absolutely sure of is that he’s not going to go through this calendar alone. He’ll bring Wille with him, they’ll do it together. It will be nice to have something to occupy himself with, and there’s no one else he would rather spend every day of December with, than his best friend.
It would be nice to put up some decorations. He remembers how his house looked like when he was a kid. His mom would bring down all the boxes from the attic, and they would all pick out their own decorations to put up. The ones you got were your responsibility and none of the others could tell you where to put it. The next year they switched decorations. The house never looked the same each year. It was one of the favorite things about Christmas, they were all together.
His dad was never the best; he drank too much alcohol and would pass out on the couch. So this was a thing Linda, Sara and he would do. His dad would rarely participate. Thinking back, Simon actually liked the times where his dad wasn’t a part of it best. He loved his dad, because he was his dad. But he always felt like he had to walk a little bit on eggshells around him. He wasn’t violent or angry, but it was something about his aura that made you act a little careful.
When he moved into the dorm with Wille at college, Simon had dragged him with him and they’d done the same tradition. They bought some decorations and every year they switched it and decorated their room. When they both moved into different places after college they continued the tradition. First they decorated Wille’s house and then Simon’s apartment.
Last year, when he still was with Marcus, Simon had tried to bring him along. Said it meant a lot to him. But Marcus didn’t care that much about Christmas, so he hadn’t bothered. Maybe that should’ve been a red flag right there. If he only had seen it as what it was back then, maybe he wouldn’t had to go through this now.
A loud growl from his stomach tells him that he still hasn’t eaten today. So he places the calendar neatly on the table next to his guitar. It’s the perfect spot. Both his favorite things at the same place.
For the next two hours Simon eats his food, stares at the ceiling, tries to play a little on his guitar before he turns back to stare at the ceiling. He dodges a call from Sara, he’s been doing that for days so he should probably pick up soon or she would be on his door. He’s just not ready for her perfectly smart words. Or to tell her what Marcus had done.
And then his mind is back to spinning and he suddenly sits up. He feels nauseous. He had probably slept with Marcus more than once after he’d slept with whoever else, hadn’t he? How could he be so stupid? Thinking back it’s like he almost can remember the moment when it first happened. The first time Marcus had cheated on him.
He’s not sure of course, never would be because he plan on never speaking to Marcus ever again. But he still feels foolish for not seeing it. It must’ve been almost six months ago. Marcus was never clingy; he’d made Simon feel like he was too needy, too clingy more than once. So when Marcus suddenly had come home acted exactly the way he’d told Simon he didn’t like, it’d felt weird. But Simon had just gone along with it, liking the attention.
A few more tears roll down his cheeks. Oh my God, he feels pathetic. Is this how his December would be like? He takes a few deep, unsteady breaths. Marcus had taken a small part of his Christmas spirit last year; he hadn’t done all the things he loved to do. It had really felt like a part him was missing. But then there had been one happy moment that Marcus had joined in on and Simon had just forgotten about everything else. What had he been thinking?
He really hopes the advent calendar IS the answer to his heartbreak! A magical cure that will carry him through this month, mend his heart and bring his Christmas spirit back.
Simon looks at his watch and realizes Wille will probably be here any minute, so he decides to get off the couch and find the boxes with his decorations before he gets here.
By the time Wille walks through the door, four boxes with decorations are scattered around Simon’s small living room, and Simon actually feels a tiny bit better just by looking at them.
«Hey! Wow, ready to decorate?» Wille asks cheerfully, when he walks through the door, balancing two take-out boxes in one hand and Simon’s yearly chocolate calendar in the other. Simon jumps up from the floor to meet him and grabs the calendar out of his hand. «Ohh, so that’s why you wanted me to come over, huh?» Wille tries for a pout, but his lips turn into a smile within seconds.
Simon scans the calendar for #1, opens it and pops the chocolate into his mouth. «Of course, it’s the highlight of this month. You know how much I love chocolate,» he says with a smirk. Wille shakes his head before he takes of his shoes and jacket, still balancing the take-out boxes in his hands.
«Would be nice to get some help with these too, you know,» he says mockingly, before Simon rolls his eyes at him, and takes the boxes from him as well.
The smell of Thai food fills the small apartment, and Simon’s mouth waters. Eating one small meal the whole day was clearly not enough. «I’m starving, let’s eat,» he says and puts the boxes on the table before he rushes into the kitchen for two forks, glasses and a bottle of Coke.
«Busy day?» Simon asks when he returns to the living room, finding Wille on the couch with his head leaning back and his eyes closed.
Wille sits up slowly and looks at him with a sleepy smile. «Yeah, we have this new client, and it’s just been a lot. It’s always something extra right before Christmas. But I don’t want to talk about work. I’m hungry,» he says while he opens the food containers and takes the fork from Simon.
They eat in silence for a few minutes before Wille nods against the calendar on the table. «You already started? Haven’t seen that before?» He takes a big bite of food in his mouth and looks at Simon expectantly. His eyes sparkle a little but his face is completely neutral.
«Like you don’t know?» Simon tries, it’s worth a shot.
Wille just stares at him for a second. His face shows absolutely nothing, but his shoulders rise slightly towards his ears and he looks a little tense. «How should I know?» He asks seriously.
«You’re the only one who would do something like this, Wille» Simon says with an unsure smile. He really does appreciate the gift, and a part of him might also wish it’s Wille.
Wille hesitates for a second. «It’s not from me,» he blurts out, a little too quickly. Before he looks over at the calendar again looking overly curious.
«Well, maybe I have a secret admirer then?» Simon says lightly. It makes Wille turn his head quickly and meet his eyes. For second something flickers in Wille’s eyes that Simon can’t read. Was it jealousy? Or does he know something Simon doesn’t? Is he hiding something? It’s gone just as quick, and Simon wonders if he’d imagined it or not.
He decides to let it go – at least for now – and tell Wille about the calendar instead. «It doesn’t matter actually. The important thing is that I love it,» he starts. He feels like he has to put it out there, that he really loves it. Wille deserves to know that if it is from him. «I think it will be a task or and activity every day, until Christmas Eve. I think it’ll be fun.»
Wille smiles now, and he looks more relaxed all of a sudden. «That sounds awesome. It’ll keep your mind from spiraling,» he says, and puts the food container on the table. Both of them empty now.
«Hey, I’m not spiraling,» Simon whines, his voice defensive. But he knows he can’t fool Wille, so he’s not sure why he’s even trying.
«Hah, yeah right. I know you, Simon,» Wille says with a laugh before he grabs the empty boxes and walks into the kitchen with then. Simon can hear him shift around in there, throwing the boxes in the trash and washing the forks. Everything has to be done right away, Wille just can’t let things wait.
Simon smiles to himself. «Whatever!» he yells, it earns him another «hah» from his friend. «Well, you’re the lucky one though,» he starts when Wille emerges from the kitchen with a questionable look on his face. «You’ll get to do it with me.»
«I get to do what with you?» Wille asks as he walks over to inspect the calendar more closely. Simon watches him for a second, how his long fingers glide over the box and when they stop at a sticker of a candy cane he smiles. Wille loves candy canes, Simon is well aware of that. They always get candy canes on the 23rd of December, and they cozy up with movies and Christmas cookies. Another tradition they’ve kept over the years.
«The tasks, you dummy» Simon says with a smile. «I’m not doing it alone. You’re doing it with me, all of it. You’re my best friend, Wille. I wouldn’t want to do it without you. So get ready, today’s task is decorations.»
Wille turns and looks at him, his eyes are back to sparkling and the small smile from before has turned into a huge grin. «You sure?» he asks, but even he can’t hide the smile in his voice.
«Of course,» Simon replies with a roll of his eyes, to him it’s the only logical option. «So get your ass over here and start choosing your decorations.»
Simon starts to open the boxes, but he doesn’t get to open more than one before he stops and stares into it. The snow globe with the picture of Marcus and him – smiling at each other – lies there and stares back at him like a distant memory. He remembers when they had decided to make it at a Christmas market in Germany that Marcus had taken him to last year. It’s one of the really happy memories, and it makes his chest hurt even harder.
Tears well up again but he tries his best to blink them away. Marcus doesn’t deserve his tears. But his eyes betray him, and a few spills over anyway. He wipes them away quickly, angrily.
«Are you okay?» Wille’s voice shakes him out of his trip down memory lane. Simon hasn’t even realized Wille has moved over to him. But of course he has, because sometimes it’s like Wille knows what’s up before Simon realizes it himself.
He wipes away a few more tears and takes a shaky breath. «Yeah, there are not just bad memories with Marcus, I guess. I thought him cheating would make me see every memory as something toxic. But it doesn’t,» he can feel his voice shaking. Wille places a hand on his back; a grounding action that makes Simon’s breathing calm down a little.
«Hey,» Wille starts, his voice quiet and tender. He doesn’t speak again until Simon looks at him. «It’s okay to miss the happy moments. It’s okay to miss the person you thought you had and probably had too, before he cheated the first time.» Wille smiles, but it never reaches his eyes. At least he’s trying. And of course he’s saying all the right things, Wille always does.
Simon picks up the snow globe and shakes it. Fake snowflakes float around in front of the picture. «I don’t know if I can throw it away,» he nearly whispers. The angry part of him wants to just drive over to Marcus’s house and throw the snow globe at his smug face. The hurt and sad part of him wants to just get rid of it, throw it away so he never has to see it again. And the part of him that still misses the Marcus who actually liked him, wants to be able to put it somewhere and for the picture to come to life.
The noise from another box being opened shakes him out if his trance again. He looks over at Wille who’s started to unbox all the decorations. He looks restrained, almost a little pained, but also like he’s trying to hide it. When he realizes Simon looks at him he struggles for a millisecond to put his neutral face back on. It’s just a glimpse, but enough for Simon to see it. «Simon, you don’t have to. There’s no rules here,» Wille says, before Simon has time to ask if everything is okay. Wille stops unboxing with a Santa figure in one hand and an angel in the other. He points the Santa figure towards Simon with a small smile. «But I’m going to pick all the good decorations if you don’t speed up.»
Simon tries for a small smile. «I’m sorry. If it’s too fast, we’ll slow down,» Wille adds quickly and his face turns all serious, like he’s afraid he’s done or said something wrong.
«No, it’s fine. I want to do this,» Simon says, and this time the smile on his face is genuine. He takes one last look at the snow globe before he decides to just put it back in the box for now.
For the next hour they pick their decorations and start to decorate Simon’s apartment. It doesn’t take that much time, his apartment isn’t exactly big. But Simon catches himself laughing and having a good time. By the time they’re done, his apartment looks like all Santa’s elves had been there and thrown their Christmas sprinkles around.
They put the almost empty boxes away, and sit down on Simon’s couch – admire their work for the evening. «Thank you for doing this with me, Wille. I’m not sure if I could do all this alone,» Simon says, and it’s the truth. If it wasn’t for Wille he would be lying on his couch and drowning in his own heartbreak.
Wille smiles at him and lightly touches his knee. «You don’t have to thank me, Simon. I want to be here for you,» he says, his voice warm and comforting. He looks at his watch and sighs. «But it’s late, and I have an 08.30 meeting in the morning. I should go.»
Suddenly Simon feels very alone. Wille sits right there, gathering up his things, but still he feels alone. «Can you stay?» he asks. He can hear the small desperation in his own voice, but he can’t help it. Feeling alone only makes everything worse. He’s been sleeping alone all week, or at least he’s been lying in bed all week. Mind spinning and thoughts scattered around everywhere. He could really use some real sleep tonight.
«I need my suit for the meeting tomorrow,» Wille says, which as far as Simon knows is not a no. But he doesn’t want Wille to feel obligated to stay either.
«Don’t worry about it,» he decides to say quickly, and gets up from the couch. He’s not quite sure why or what to do, so he walks towards the kitchen. A little snack before bed sounds like an okay excuse to get up from the couch for.
Wille suddenly stands in the doorway, just looking at him, when Simon turns around again. Their eyes meet for a second, and Wille looks away quickly and clears his throat. «It’s fine, Simon. Of course I can stay. But I have to leave early to change before I have to be at the office.» The knot in Simon’s chest loosens in an instant and he can feel his whole body relax.
«Thank you, I don’t want to feel alone right now,» he says and smiles. Wille opens his arms, and Simon walks over and melts into Wille. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable, safe.
He would sleep tonight. He has to, he’s afraid his thoughts will eat him alive if he doesn’t. But knowing his best friend is right there, just like so many times before, is exactly what he needs. He closes his eyes, feeling sleep wash over him. Of course he wanted the calendar to be from Wille. But if it wasn’t, maybe there actually was someone out there who wanted him to smile again.
Simon falls asleep easier than he has for a week, listening to Wille’s breathing, thinking that maybe Christmas can save him after all.