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Tony had actually slept the night before, though he couldn’t remember why. Oh, right. Children were exhausting. And Bucky had given him an early birthday present: fucking him to sleep after a long day of--god, whoever thought it was a good idea to give kids summer vacation anyway?
He asked himself this question a second time when a gaggle of screaming banshees rushed into his room to wake him at the crack of dawn. Tony’s bed was surrounded by no less than five shrieking tykes. He put out his arm to get help from the other side of the bed, only to find it empty. Typical for his husband to abandon him in his time of need. (Okay, not really, but it sounded more dramatic that way.)
“Daddy, Daddy!”
“Wake up, Daddy!”
“Are you awake yet?” That was Jack, who’d scaled the bed and was kneeling on his pillow, poking Tony in the cheek, curiously.
“No,” Tony told him, rolling over so his face was hidden by the pillow. Timmy thought this was hilarious, shrieking with laughter.
“Let’s jump on him!” Sam suggested. “Like a trampoline!”
“NO jumping on your father,” Bucky said firmly, finally coming to his rescue. Tony turned his head to peek up at his husband, who was standing only somewhat disheveled in their crowd of children, holding the baby. “It’s his birthday, not the day he becomes a trampoline for your naughty feet.”
Timmy thought this was hilarious, too, rolling around on the bed, cackling and holding his bare feet. “You have naughty feet,” Sam told Gabe, seriously.
“I’ll punch your lights out!” Gabe declared. It was his new favourite phrase.
“Daddy, you better wake up,” Jack advised, poking Tony in the ear. “They’re fighting.”
“Oh no they’re not.” With a roar, Tony sat up, sweeping his four youngest sons into his arms, cocooned in a blanket prison. They all shrieked and giggled, trying to escape.
“You got me, Daddy,” Jack whispered, serious.
“Papa, help me, I’m drowning!” Sam wailed. Timmy couldn’t stop giggling.
“No fair, Dad,” Gabe said.
“Samuel, you are not drowning.” Bucky jogged the baby on his hip. She was watching it all, wide-eyed. “You’re in a bed, not a pool.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that, angel face. He could be right.” Sam looked back at Tony, worried. “I think he needs mouth to cheek kissuscitation.”
“No! No!” Sam screamed, as Tony started to kiss him, tickling with his beard. He moved on to the other boys next: Timmy, who shrieked even louder, Jack, who smiled happily, and Gabe, who was rolling his eyes, clearly too old for this at the ripe old age of 5.
“Come on, boy tribe,” Bucky told them. “Let’s let Daddy get up out of bed so we can all selfishly have cake for breakfast.”
“Cake for breakfast!” Timmy’s voice was heading into ultrasonic ranges.
Tony winced. “Maybe sugar for this one isn’t the best plan, cupcake.” As the boys started to squirm out of their blanket prison, eager for cake, Tony scooped them up more firmly, standing up with his armful of Stark-Barneses. “Sorry, you’re all my prisoner today. It’s my birthday present.”
Bucky blinked down at Tony, clearing his throat. “Babe... Maybe pants would be a good idea?”
“Come on, it’s nothing they haven’t seen before,” Tony covered quickly. “They have their own, after all.” But the truth was, his sons were heavy, and he doubted he was going to make it to the door carrying all four of them. Bucky sighed, going to get Tony’s bathrobe.
There was a ripping sound, and Sam went pelting off toward the hall. “I escaped!” Gabe wisely caught Timmy before he could land on his head.
“Carry me, Daddy,” Jack whispered, clinging to Tony’s neck. He looked down at the shredded pieces of his favourite comforter. It had clearly been sliced through.
“Samuel Nicholas, what have I told you about taking adult tools from the workbench without asking?”
Sam peeped around the corner of the door. “Always hide them really well?”
Tony held out his Jack-free hand. “Guess what? Using them on your family does not constitute hiding them really well.”
“Fine.” Sam plodded back in to hand over the box cutter, sullen.
“And congratulations, you just won a sewing lesson from Papa so you can learn how to fix that,” Tony told him, pointing at the remains of the blanket.
“Yes, Sir.” Bucky slid up behind Tony and helped him into the bathrobe, wrapping his arms around him to tie it shut. He kissed Tony on the jaw, snuggling up close for a minute.
Tony glanced back. “Weren’t you holding Mary a second ago?” Bucky nodded toward the empty bed, where the baby was happily sucking her left foot. “Well she’s got your flexibility,” Tony observed.
Bucky chuckled. “Come on, birthday boy. Let’s head downstairs. The twins have a surprise for you.”
“That is one of the most terrifying sentences I have ever heard,” Tony said, leading the way with Jack.
Bucky went to retrieve the baby before shooing Gabe and Timmy out in front of him. “Follow Daddy,” he told them. “Birthday conga line!” Timmy ran to grab the back of Tony’s robe, grinning from ear to ear, and Gabe followed, pretending he was too cool for this kind of thing.
“You want a piece of this action?” Tony asked Jack, who gave him one last clingy hug before nodding. Daddy’s conga lines were the best.
Watching Jack line up, Bucky paused. “Sam?” He glanced around just in time to see his four-year-old’s head disappear into the dumbwaiter. “Samuel Nicholas, that is not an elevator for people!”
Sam just grinned, slamming the door shut behind him. “We’ll work on better locks for those,” Tony reassured his husband, before he could go into hysterics. “Come on, sweetheart. I guarantee you he’ll make it down safe and sound. He always does.”
Tony waited for Bucky to get into position before taking a deep breath and letting loose with his best Charo impression. “Alright, boys, one-two-three!” They sang and danced their way cheerfully down the hall, and then the stairs. Bucky watched the younger two, Jack and Tim, like a hawk, but they made it down the stairs without tripping once.
In the open entertaining area which adjoined the kitchen, a large contraption was waiting for them. It ran almost the length of the whole room. More worrisome than that, the twins were standing in front of it in matching lab coats and glasses, looking like they were preparing to give a college lecture.
“Since when do our boys wear glasses?” Tony whispered to Bucky.
Bucky rolled his eyes. “They don’t. They think it makes them look ‘more professional.’”
Tony slid an arm around his husband’s waist. “Are other people’s children this strange?” he asked.
“Doubtful.” They’d even gone so far as to set up chairs for their audience. Eddie and Jamie were already there waiting for them.
“Behold!” AJ declared in as booming a voice as a ten-year-old could muster. His intro was interrupted by a metallic banging from the kitchen.
“Hold that thought,” Tony told his eldest son, who looked outraged at the interruption.
Tony walked to the kitchen and unlocked the door to the dumbwaiter. He gave the handle an expert shove and tug, finally wrenching it open. “See, kiddo, this is why we can’t rewire nice things.”
“I didn’t break it!” Sam insisted.
“No, I completely agree,” Tony told him. “It was already broken. That’s why we don’t play in it.”
“Honestly, I’d keep arguing,” Sam told him, “But it’s your birthday today.”
“Is it?” Tony looked surprised. “You don’t say.”
“Silence!” Steve declared, with a showmanly wave of his hands, which was also meant to shoo Jack and Tim away from the apparatus, which they were getting a little too close to, curious bugs that they were.
“Behold!” AJ started again as Tony took the seat of honor next to Bucky. He had no less than three squirming boys in his lap a moment later. Tony passed Timmy to Bucky, so as to more evenly distribute their children. “The Breakfast of the Future!” He pulled a lever, which dropped an egg into a small cart waiting on a section of wooden track. The weight of the egg caused the cart to move down the track until it hit a roadblock, carefully tipping the egg through a latex sheet with a hole cut into it precisely the diameter of the egg. A pulley lifted up the egg, causing a cantilever to turn on a fan, which blew the sheet across a skyway, where it stopped abruptly enough to pop the egg out of the sheet, where it rolled down a corkscrew slide.
Timmy applauded. “Yaaaaay!” But Steve put a finger to his lips, indicating silence was still to be observed for the rest of the demonstration. The egg reached the bottom of the slide, where it rolled into a miniature guillotine and was swiftly beheaded to gasps from the audience. The white and yolk dripped into a pan just underneath. The falling blade had pulled a rope which had struck a match and lit a burner under the pan.
“Ohhhh!” More applause from the watching kids. Fire was always a big hit with the Stark children. Bucky eyed the fire extinguisher in the corner nervously.
“But what breakfast would be complete without…” AJ climbed a ladder to place a steel ball on a track which rolled down to turn on a blender, then bounced down into a tiny wicker basket which activated a counter weight to tip the blender over and pour its contents into a funnel, which led to a curling length of colorful tubing, which let out into a second frying pan, which was suddenly full of pancake batter. A wind-up hot wheels car raced toward it, striking a match as it passed and lighting the burner under that pan.
“Hey, that’s mine!” Jamie protested.
“You’re welcome!” AJ told him. “Now it’s part of science!”
“Nuh-uh.” Jamie crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s just a Rube Goldberg device!”
“Silence!” Steve boomed again, turning to wave at AJ like he was a brand new color TV.
AJ sat at the top of the ladder, nearly giving Bucky a heart attack, and slid two clothespins down a zip line. Each clothespin held a strip of bacon. At the end of the zip line, the clothespins hit a magnet which released the bacon to fall onto a metal conveyor belt which put them through a toaster oven. The conveyor belt led to two wooden toy trains, which started down a winding track with their greasy loads. As they crossed a drawbridge, Steve flipped a lever which raised the bridge, separating the train cars and releasing the bacon onto a plate-barge that was floating by on a river made of running water and their old slip and slide. The plate floated down to the bottom of the slide, where it got stuck over the drain and proceeded to fill with water.
“Oopsie!” Jack called out, pointing at the soggy bacon.
Steve sprinted over to rescue the bacon, raising the dripping plate over his head. “Behold!” The second pan started to smoke.
“Do you have something to flip your pancake?” Bucky asked the boys gently. Steve stared accusingly at AJ.
“It would have been fine if your stupid river had worked right!” AJ shot back. Bucky passed Tony the baby and Timmy to rescue the pancake before it caught fire. AJ turned off the burner under the egg, which was now sunny side brown. “Behold,” he said, going to raise it above his head and shrieking when his bare hand touched the handle of the pan.
Tony immediately ran to the rescue, spilling toddlers left and right. He grabbed AJ’s wrist and thrust his burned hand into the bacon river.
“Come on, junior, I know we’ve had the Frankenstein talk before. Fire bad.”
“Very funny, dad,” AJ gasped, trying to pretend tears of pain weren’t rolling down his cheeks. Steve ran up and hugged his twin, almost as distressed as AJ was.
Bucky walked swiftly over from the kitchen with an ice pack and a cooler. “We shouldn’t be long,” he told Tony, towing the twins toward the garage. Honestly, he felt if they only made one trip to the hospital a week with 10 precocious children to worry about, they were doing well.
“Wait...sugar. We should go together.” Tony started to follow with the baby.
“Make sure everything’s turned off,” Bucky called back. “And go find Sarah. She’s waiting for you at the paddock.” Bucky was just about to disappear behind the door. “Oh, and breakfast’s on the counter.”
Tony looked down at his six remaining sons. “What do you think? Breakfast or hospital playroom?”
“Hospital playroom!” Jack crowed.
“Medical tools!” Sam cried.
“I’m worried about AJ,” Gabe frowned.
“But...I didn’t get to play my song for you.” Eddie looked like he was about to cry.
“I didn’t get to do my flips for you,” Jamie pouted.
“Okay, I get it, I get it,” Tony said, petting the dark wispy hair on his baby daughter’s head. “The circus is in town. Right now, though, we need an intermission.”
“A mission?” Jack asked, excited, playing James Bond by hiding behind Daddy’s legs and shooting at Timmy, who scowled and swatted back.
“Well it’s sort of a mission, Jackie.” Tony bent down to look his third youngest in the eye. He glanced around at the other four, who were starting to wander off into mischiefs of their own. “Who wants to go on a mission?”
“Oh, me!”
“Me!”
“Me?”
Tony patted Eddie on the back. “Come on, short round, if you bring your case, maybe you can play for us in the waiting room.”
“Love you, daddy.” Eddie gave him a quick hug before running off to pack his oboe.
“James, put those pants back on. We are not going to the hospital full Donald.”
“But, Dad, it’s my gymnastics costume!”
“Listen, you don’t have to wear pants, I don’t care if you wear one of your sister’s dresses, but you have to put on more clothes than that.”
“But w--”
“I said so, that’s why.” Tony was getting good at this whole dad thing.
“I’m a mission, Daddy!” Jack declared, clinging to his knees.
“Well, that sounds very important, kiddo.”
“And Timmy’s the bad guy,” Jack explained. Timmy proved he wasn’t the bad guy by running up behind Jack and sinking his teeth into his brother’s arm. “Owiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!”
“Timothy, we do not cannibalize our siblings outside of plane crashes in the Himalayas,” Tony told him, grabbing a fully cooked pancake off the kitchen counter and offering it to his youngest son. “This is the Stark party, not the Donner party.” Timmy took the pancake and ate it, angrily glaring at Jack the whole time.
“I know all about the Donner party!” Gabe smiled. “Want me to tell you, Daddy?”
“Wow, that sounds like a great story for the car,” Tony told him. “Why don’t you help your brother put out all the fires and turn off all the switches on the twins’ machine while Mary and I go get your older sister?”
“Can do, Dad.”
“Awesome. Hi-five. Now go stop Sam from pretending he’s a marble on the track.”
“Got it.”
“Good man.” Double-checking that none of his sons were in imminent danger, Tony took Mary outside. “Be glad you’re not a boy,” he told her. “We’re nothing but trouble.” She put her fingers in her mouth and leaned her head against Tony’s shoulder. “My sentiments exactly.”
Once he was out back, Tony could see his eldest daughter immediately. She was riding her prize pony around the obstacle course, jumping low bars and zig-zagging between markers. He waved at her. “Sarah bear!”
“Watch me, Daddy!”
“I’m watching, sweetheart!” There was no harm in letting her show off while he hiked the quarter mile to the stables. As they approached, Mary seemed to notice Sparkles the pony, pointing and babbling excitedly. “Yes, you can have one, too,” he told her. “When you’re old enough.”
Finally he was close enough to peer over the fencing. “I always knew a Stark would be good at sports,” he told her. Especially with Bucky’s athletic blood running through the family now. “I just never thought of using horses to do it.”
“Sparkles is a pony,” Sarah corrected as they danced sideways in a half pass to where Tony and the baby were watching.
“You’re right,” Tony said. “See? That’s how much I fail at dressage. Good thing you’re the family expert.”
She giggled. “Where’s Papa?”
He frowned. “Papa had to go to the hospital with the twins.”
“AJ?” she guessed.
“Good guess.”
“Did he break something this time?”
“Nope, nothing major.” He couldn’t help but notice she looked disappointed. Holy sibling rivalry, Batman.
“Should we go?” she asked, squinting from beneath the brim of her hat.
“I’m thinkin’ maybe. That okay with you?” Tony liked to give his children choices rather than orders when he could.
She nodded. “I’ll go take care of Sparkles. Meet you at the driveway.”
“Alright, sweetheart. Ten minutes.” She turned the pony toward the stables. “Hey. Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Oh yeah.” She wheeled Sparkles back around. “Sparkles, kisses.” The pony leaned over the fence and nibbled gently at Tony’s hair while both of his daughters laughed hysterically at the look on his face.
“Wow, Sparkles. You kiss even better than Papa.” Except he REALLY needed to wipe the pony slobber off, like. Yesterday. “Marry me?”
“Daddy!” Sarah was scandalized.
“Okay, okay,” Tony backed off. “Just don’t tell Papa what I said.”
Sarah laughed again, holding up her cell phone. “Now young lady, what did I tell you about uploading family videos to social media?”
“Only on F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s secure server,” she repeated by rote, from long practice. “Uncle Steve’s gonna love this one!” she declared.
Sadly, Tony was sure she was right. “Okay, off with you now, my little hoyden. No more harassing me until we’re done at the hospital.”
“Love you, Daddy,” she called over her shoulder, kicking Sparkles into a gallop.
“Love you, too, buttercup!” He was not going to cry. His little girl was not getting so grown up. But it did feel like just yesterday she’d been kicking him in the belly in utero.
“Byyyyyyyyyyyye!” Mary waved at her sister and equine hero.
*
It only took 20 minutes to load the boys into the Stark-mobile and get everyone carseated and strapped in sufficiently. They stopped halfway down the drive to pick up Sarah--who automatically got shotgun, as the eldest present--Daddy’s rules.
At the hospital, Steve sat alone in the waiting room, pale and scared. Tony ushered the herd in ahead of him, worried for his second eldest. “Ey, bubbie, vas makhstu ? You look like an army of squirrels just pooped on your parade. What’s that all about?” That made Steve crack a grin. There was a chorus of ‘ew!’s followed by a chatter of giggles from the rest of the kids. Tony knew if there was one thing ten year old boys found funny, it was #2.
Sarah beat Tony to the punch, running up and hugging her older brother half to death, lifting him out of his chair. “She-ra,” he croaked, red returning quickly to his cheeks. “Too...strong.” She put him back down, patting his head as if Steve was the younger one.
“Alright, soldier, report.” Tony glanced around to make sure the other six were playing nicely with the toys the hospital had provided before walking over to loom protectively over his son. Mary was strapped to his front in the trusty babybjorn, so intimidating was definitely not the aura Tony was giving off.
Steve squirmed in his seat. “Papa said wait here while he takes AJ to see the doctors.” Sarah wrapped her arms around him again, so he would stop squirming. “That was…” He looked at the clock. “30 minutes ago.”
“You know what? I bet they’re almost done. Let’s play a game while we wait.” Tony tapped his watch, pulling up one of the 3D puzzles the twins had been practicing on for years.
“Daddy, can I play with Mary?” Unfortunately, his eldest daughter was a more kinetically motivated problem solver.
“Your sister is not a toy. You wanna play with her, you do it right here.” Of course, that wasn’t what she’d had in mind. Dad knew her that well after 8 years and 10 months.
“Then can I rollerblade up and down the hall?”
“No you may not.” Tony was starting to get one of Bucky’s migraines. He glanced over at his fourth son, who had in fact pulled one of his sister’s summer dresses over his gymnastics uniform, and was struggling with a pair of her sandals. “Looks like your brother could use some help. Why don’t you go show him how to walk in mules?”
Apparently Sarah hadn’t noticed before now. “Jamie, you give those back!” she rushed off to avenge her wardrobe. Tony sat back quietly, watching Steve slowly start to solve the puzzle projection. Bucky had called the sitters for tonight, right? He sometimes forgot how exhausting his children were when he was away doing grown-up things for days at a time. And they were all in school.
*
It wasn’t long before Bucky and AJ returned, complete with Captain America bandages. “Look, I got Aunt Patti!” AJ declared, showing off his battle scars to his siblings.
Bucky snuck over to put his arms around Tony and sag against him, tired. He kissed the top of Mary’s head, then kissed Tony, whispering, “I’m sorry, honey.”
“Hey, unplanned disasters...That’s what this family was built on.” He smooches Bucky’s cheek. “Besides, the kid’s alright, right?” Bucky nodded. “Then we’re good.”
“They have more planned,” Bucky told him apologetically.
“Bring it on,” Tony said, smiling. “What could they possibly give me that’s better than memories like these, am I right?” But then he added, more softly, “You got a sitter for tonight, didn’t you?”
Bucky laughed. “Yes, dear.”
*
When they got home, it was finally time for birthday cake. While Sarah got Sparkles ready to perform again, Eddie serenaded them on the oboe, and Jamie performed his new uneven bar routine for everyone. “My god, it really is the circus,” Bucky realized as his son stuck a three point landing in his sister’s white dress.
“Come, Morticia, to the pony show!” Tony cried, leading the parade outside. There was a small shell of bleachers set up to watch the obstacle course. The Stark pride as a whole was very impressed with Sarah and Sparkles. With the exception of AJ, who refused to be impressed by anything he wasn’t personally responsible for. “Come on, Junior,” Tony nudged him playfully. “You’ve gotta give her some props.”
“She’s okay,” AJ admitted reluctantly. “I guess.”
“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what happened to your glasses?” It was obvious to him AJ hadn’t even thought about them since the wisecrack Tony had made this morning.
“I think--we musta left ‘em at the hospital.” He bit his lip, visibly upset.
Tony gasped. “Your non-prescription glasses!”
“Hey, we picked out those frames special!” Why did Dad always mock him?
“I bet your brother will let you borrow his,” Tony suggested.
“But then we won’t match!” As usual, Dad was missing the whole point.
“Horrors!”
“Tony, stop teasing your son.” AJ looked gratefully at Papa. At least someone was on his side besides Stevie.
“But it’s so much fun.” But maybe he should stop anyway. Bucky was usually always right. “How’s the hand, kiddo?”
“Fine.” He would never admit how much it hurt.
“I bet that’s a lesson you won’t forget anytime soon.”
“No.” Just shut up, Dad.
“Can I tell you a secret, son?” AJ was much too much like him.
“You’re gonna tell me if I say no anyway, aren’t you?”
“Good call. They don’t call us geniuses for nothing.”
“Okay, what?” Just get it over with.
“Sometimes us Tonys have to learn the hard way. Comes with the name.”
“That’s stupid.” He sometimes doubted his father’s genius status.
“But true. Trust me on this, kid. Got a few more years under my belt than you.”
“When did you?”
“When did I what?” Should probably stop planning all the filthy things he was going to do to Bucky tonight while surrounded by their spawn.
“Learn the hard way?”
“Well I’ve had just about every lab accident you can have.” Tony counted quietly on his fingers, nodding. “But the worst was when I almost lost your papa.”
“You almost...he almost died?” AJ looked horrified.
“I think we both would have died without each other. So basically yes.”
“You had relationship problems, you mean?” Why was his dad such a drama queen?
“You guessed it.”
“Don’t get divorced,” he blurted out. AJ’s face looked two years younger with fear and grief.
“Never gonna happen, kiddo.” Tony hugged him.
“Promise?” AJ let himself be hugged by his totally uncool dad.
“Cross my heart and poke my eye.” Tony raised his hand like a boy scout.
AJ rolled his eyes. “That’s not how the saying goes.”
“No? My bad.” Damn it was fun annoying the kid, though.
“You’re a dork, Dad.”
“You love me.” Tony sat back, smirking.
“Maybe a little.” But he would never admit it in front of non-family members.
After the pony show, it was Gabe’s turn to sing a song for Dad on his birthday. He was joined on their small in-home stage by no less than four of his older brothers. Tony declared them the Stark-Barnes Five, and promised to get them a record deal. At which point AJ tried to tell them it had been all his idea, and he should really be the lead.
Gabe’s serenade of “Happy Birthday Daddy, Daddy, Happy Birthday to You” was followed by a dramatic reading of “The Raven” by Sam, showing off his reading level skills.
“I worry about that kid,” Tony murmured to Bucky.
“You know he always expects to find skeletons in the dumbwaiter, right?” And bodies behind brick walls in the cellar. But who was counting?
“Eh, he’ll be the next Stephen King,” Tony declared. Children of same sex parents didn’t become serial killers, thank goodness.
“Shh. Here they come!” Bucky hissed, excited as two fat baby birbs waddled out on stage in their homemade raven costumes. Sam had tried to teach his brothers to say ‘Nevermore’ on cue, but the thrill of the actual performance seemed to be too much. Timmy just giggled whenever Sam looked at him, and Jack became a spy again, hiding behind a potted plant and going “Pew pew!” at his older brother. Sam rolled his eyes a lot, but made it through. Bucky felt Poe would have been proud.
*
They were halfway through their cheeseburger dinner when reinforcements arrived.
“I hear someone here likes to kiss horses.”
“Uncle Steve!” This was followed by joyful screams of surprise and a stampede of little feet toward their favourite uncle. He was soon drowning in an avalanche of children.
“Where’s Winnie?” Sarah wanted to know. “Where’s Aunt Peggy and Nat and Patti?”
Steve tried to stand, holding Gabe in one arm and Sam in the other. “Well, it’s top secret,” he told her, conspiratorially. “Promise not to tell?”
“We promise!” Several of the kids said in unison.
“I make no promises,” AJ declared.
“I’m gonna tell!” Jack announced, proudly. They both got the disappointed Uncle Steve look.
“Alright, Jack. Junior. Plug your ears. You’re not allowed to hear.”
“Oh, fine!” AJ rolled his eyes. “I promise already.”
Jack stuffed his fingers in his ears and went running around and around the kitchen counter, screaming his favorite song. “Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!” Jack always thought of sundaes when he sang the word ‘desert.’
“Too much birthday cake,” Bucky sighed.
“We should get him tested,” Tony said, thoughtful.
Steve knelt down, keeping his voice low so that only children who’d promised could hear. “Right now, our gal-heroes are off on a secret mission.”
“Fighting alien invaders?” AJ asked.
Steve looked a little green. “Let’s hope not.”
“Punching bad guys?” Sarah asked.
“Probably,” Steve nodded.
“Forcing them to be honest with the lasso of truth?” Eddie asked.
“That’s...only in comic books,” Steve explained.
“Aww.”
“But I did bring a surprise or two,” Steve grinned.
“Where? Where?” the younger kids demanded, jumping up and down.
“Let me go see.” Steve went to get his overnight bag, and all of the children followed.
“What a drama queen,” Tony rolled his eyes.
“Takes one to know one,” Bucky grinned, leaning over to kiss him before he could protest.
When Steve opened his bag, it emanated a strange red glow. He turned it on its side and...out stepped Stephen Strange.
Some of the children screamed with amazement, others in fear, a few with excitement. Sam, for one, was in love with the sorcerer. Timmy ran straight to Bucky, clinging and hiding his face. Jack’s scream was a battle cry, as he attempted to fling himself headlong into the bag before the glow faded. “Ah-ah-ah.” Jack flew into the air and turned upside-down, hovering above the kitchen floor.
“Daddyyyyyyyyy I’m gonna throw up!”
“Hey there, pal,” Tony was on his way over to say hello. He just plucked Jack out of the air and settled him on his hip on the way. He and Strange hi-fived. It gave Bucky just enough time to sneak up behind the wizard after having grabbed the nearest screwdriver.
“Listen up, Sorcerer Supreme. The next time you use one of my children as a prop for your magic show, you’re gonna have one more orifice to feed. Get me?”
The scarlet cape struggled to take away Bucky’s screwdriver, but he was not budging. Steve sat in a corner with Gabe, Sarah, Eddie, Jamie and the twins, trying not to laugh out loud. “My sincerest apologies, Mr. Barnes...Stark.” Strange offered a haughty bow. “I was merely preventing him from jumping through the portal.”
“Normal people use doors,” Bucky growled. “Just saying.” He turned to Tony. “That man is NOT watching my children.”
Tony had trouble hiding his amusement. “I’m sure he’s just here for a quick magic show, sugar. Don’t get your shorts in a twist.” Bucky glared at Tony, but he didn’t curse him out, because it was his birthday. What he did do was hide in the corner with his two youngest while he made sure Stephen Strange didn’t disappear any of his children.
Fortunately, Strange seemed about as fond of children as Bucky was of him. He finished the “magic show” fairly quickly, and disappeared back into Steve’s bag with a flourish and a parting hi-five for Tony.
“Good call, short fuse,” Tony said to Steve. “Didn’t even know you knew the guy.”
Steve snorted. “My wife is the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I know everyone.”
Tony rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to get pulled into another dick measuring contest with Steve. It was his birthday, dammit. “Anyway, Strange was just a distraction till the reinforcements could arrive.”
“Reinforcements?” Just then, the doorbell rang.
“I got it! I got it!” Sarah raced the twins to the door. Steve won, but AJ insisted he be the one to open the door, because he’d been injured.
“Aunt Becky!” Stevie shouted.
“Cousin Connor!” AJ cried.
“Cousin Suzie!” Sarah screamed.
“Wow,” Bucky winced. “This is like a 100 decibel day.”
His sister bustled into the house, business as usual. “Children, go play,” she told them firmly, her own running off to plan excitedly with their cousins. Becky glanced around the kitchen. “Are we eating? Are we leaving a mess behind? What are we doing?”
Bucky wandered over to give his sister a hug. “Thanks, Sis.” He glanced around. “I think most of the kids are still picking at their plates. We can clean up, if you want--”
“No,” she told him sharply. “You go. Have sex with your husband. Go!” From across the room, Tony waggled his eyes at Bucky while Steve stared at Becky in horror. “Come along, Steven, there’s work to do.”
“But I wanna play, too,” Steve said, pointing at the small throng of children.
“Clean first,” she told him. “Play after.” Steve whined, but moved to help her clean up.
*
Tony practically chased Bucky up the stairs. “How do you even have this much energy after the day we’ve had?” Bucky demanded. Tony cornered him in the hall, pressing Bucky up against the mirror.
“What can I say, cupcake?” Tony kissed him, hard. “Seeing you surrounded by children makes me want to knock you up again.”
“Tony!” Tony grinned, not sorry at all. “That is not how it works.”
“Shhh.” Tony pressed a finger to Bucky’s lips. “Don’t spoil the fantasy.” He gripped Bucky’s hips. “Now give me that sweet ass, sugar.”
“Not in the hall!” But Bucky was trying not to laugh.
“Where then?” Tony growled, nibbling Bucky’s throat and tickling with his beard.
Bucky squeaked, trying to pull away. “You suck!”
“You better believe I do, Bucky bear.” He stuck his tongue out and waggled it menacingly at him.
“Don’t,” Bucky turned his face away, breath starting to come faster.
“Don’t what, angel?” Tony grinned.
“Don’t get left in the dust, sucker!” Bucky said, jerking away and sprinting down the hall.
“Ohhh, you’re gonna get it now, Barnes!”
Shortly thereafter, Bucky did get it. Over the dresser, in the shower, and finally, in the jacuzzi.
“Oh god, Tony...Tony!” he gasped, ankles trembling on either side of Tony’s head.
"Prayer isn’t necessary, sugar bear” he told Bucky, grinning. “I just want you to come for me one more time.”
“Oh my god,” Bucky groaned. “You’re evil. Just because you fuck me in water doesn’t mean I’m rehydrated from all the coming you’ve already made me do.”
“Sounds like someone’s being unappreciative…” He rolled his hips against Bucky, slow and easy. “Maybe you need to be taught a lesson, hm?””
“No, no!” Bucky clawed at his shoulders. “I’ll be good. I’ll be good!”
He clenched, trying to trap Tony inside him, but suddenly he was empty again. This couldn’t be good.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Tony whispered, licking the shell of his ear. “I got something else for you.”
Bucky squirmed and splashed as Tony inserted the vibrator. “No, I want you,” Bucky gasped. “I want to feel you inside me, baby. Not a toy…”
“Patience is something,” Tony told him, distracted by Bucky’s clavicles, which needed licking. “Virtue. Yeah, that.” He licked his way down Bucky’s damp skin till he reached his goal. And with a deep breath, Tony disappeared under the water.
“Tony!” Bucky was more worried about what this was going to do to his body than his husband actually drowning. Tony came up just twice for air, gently biting Bucky’s nipples each time, gripping the sex toy and pushing it in and out of him on full vibe mode. “St-stop!” Bucky begged, back arching over the edge of the tub.
“I will not,” Tony told him. “It’s my birthday, and you’re going to come until I say we’re done.”
Bucky’s orgasm was explosive. For a minute, he was afraid he’d broken Tony’s neck. Thank god the master bath was sound proof. The next thing he knew, Tony burst out of the water and flipped him around, jerking out the vibrator and tossing it across the room. “Mine. My Bucky.” He raised his hips and buried himself deep in Bucky’s oversensitive flesh.
He clenched his teeth and pushed back against Tony’s thrusts, unable to be anything but loud, wailing when he felt Tony’s hot ribbons exploding inside him. They collapsed against the edge of the tub, breathing hard.
“You okay?” Bucky asked, once he could form words again.
“If you’re not pregnant now, I don’t think you ever will be.”
Bucky laughed. “I feel like you need a refresher course in biology, Mr. Stark.”
“Silence, impudent husband,” Tony told him. “Carry me to bed. I think my legs have stopped working.” It was a few minutes before Bucky could get his own legs working, but he finally did, and carried the birthday boy to bed.
“Kiss me,” Tony begged, snuggling close. “Kiss me till I fall asleep.”
“Is that all you want for your birthday?” Bucky asked, covering Tony’s face in kisses.
“No,” Tony sighed. “Wanna fuck you again. Just gotta...gotta sleep first.”
Bucky laughed. “Please tell me you did not get a prescription for viagra without telling me.”
“I didn’t,” Tony mumbled, half asleep. “My prescription is you.” He curled his arms around Bucky and used his chest for a pillow.
Bucky watched him tenderly, combing his fingers through Tony’s hair. “And here I was thinking it was your birthday.”
“My birthday,” Tony muttered, lips moving against Bucky’s bare skin. “My Bucky. Birthday Bucky.”
Bucky laughed softly. “Always and forever, sunshine.”
“Hmm. Mine.” And he was out like a light. Bucky stayed awake longer, continuing to pet Tony, wondering at how lucky he was to have Tony, this beautiful family. How many turns had destiny had to take to get them here? How easy would it have been for everything to have gone wrong? For them never to have met at all?
He held Tony tight, cradling his smaller body against his. So precious. So lucky. “Happy Birthday, light of my life,” he whispered. Apparently too loud.
Tony grunted. Gripped his backside with both hands. “Mine.”
That pretty much said it all.