Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter One:

Self-Improvement

I. Fucking. Hate. Kids.

        "NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

        Sans watched in irritation as his baby brother smeared spaghetti sauce all over the new table they had bought. Papyrus had had the common sense not to buy a white tablecloth, but it was still grating to know that the baby bones was being an asshole on purpose.

        "you know when pap gets home, you're in trouble right?"

        "Why? What I do?"

        "don't play señor stupid with me, i know you have gaster's memories, you KNOW how to eat properly."

        "No I doesn't, I's just a baby!"

        "oh yeah? so if i call pappy up right now, he'll say the same thing?"

        "I aspect so..."

        Sans dialed Papyrus's number.

        One ring...two rings...

        "Hello? UGH! DAMN IT!"

        "uh, you busy bro?"

        Papyrus somersaulted to the left as a chimera swiped its large claws at him. "Nah, *huff* I always got time for you Brother!"

        WHAP!

         WHAP!

         "BACK OFF LION, GOAT, SNAKE-THING! BACK OFF OR FACE THE PELLETS!"

        Sans frowned on the other line. "you sure? i don't wanna bother ya'..."

        "It's fine Sans, what is it that you need?"

        *ROAAAARRR!*

        A deafening roar caused Sans to pull the phone away from his skull a bit. "the baby's making a mess on purpose. he says he doesn't know any better because he's a baby-"

        DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT!

         "YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? ARE THEY TASTY MR. LION? WELL FLOWEY'S GOT LOTS MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! LOTS!!"

        "lion? what's a lion? what's going on over there pap?!"

        Another roar was heard from Papyrus's end.

        "The baby may have the same memories as Gaster, but that doesn't mean he can hold focus on all that information at once, his memories also don't have any impact on his maturity level due to his age. Basically what I'm trying to say is it's not on purpose sometimes, but unfortunately he lies too often for anyone but me to discern whether or not he knows what he's doing."

        GROOSH!

         "HOLY CRAP! THIS THING BREATHES FIRE! WHY DOES IT BREATHE FIRE?!"

        "should i hang up? i'm gonna hang up, you're definitely fighting something...again."

        "Sorry Sans..."

        "it's fine, thanks for keeping us safe."

        CLICK!

         Sans put his FontSearch away and lay his head in his arms. Ever since Baby Papyrus blasted Symbol to hell, creatures began showing up from seemingly nowhere. He didn't know why and neither did anyone else, but one thing was for certain, if something wasn't done they would NEVER be able to leave the Underground...not with a clear conscious anyway. Undyne wouldn't be able to handle all the creatures herself and the kid...something was wrong with the kid.

        Their eyes keep darting around and they're always running through the Underground with no destination whatsoever. They have their Determination back, but they seem to have forgotten their goal to erase everything and they switch with Frisk at random times too...

         I..I just don't get it.

         What happened to them playing the "game?"

         The comedian mentally shook his head, he didn't want to fall back into another pit of madness. This time there WAS no goddess to help him and he no longer had his Comic Sans abilities either. If anyone got sick again, they'd be on their own. For some reason the Greek gods and goddesses didn't appear like the other creatures did, that or they just couldn't be seen...

        Symbol was a Legendary. They're supposed to be killed in certain ways or they either won't die or they'll come back.

         She's alive that's for sure, there wouldn't be any summoned creatures without her, but we checked the entire Underground...and if the creatures are IN the Underground, that means she hasn't left...

         "Baby would likes to fight a lion..." said Baby Papyrus interrupting Sans' train of thought.

        "babies don't fight lions, they make messes for other people to clean up and they break things they don't have to pay for."

        I really hope Symbol isn't in the void somewhere, we have no idea where it leads...

         "huh? where ya' going kiddo?" asked Sans watching Papyrus climb down from the table with the help of his wingdings.

        He better not be heading off to fight that "lion" or whatever...

        "Nowheres."

        "nowhere huh? can i come?"

        Baby Papyrus stuck his finger in his mouth, staring at the wall. "No."

        "heh heh heh, why not?"

        "You's naggy," replied the baby bones crawling away.

        I'm naggy...wow.

         Shaking his head Sans left the table and went into Papyrus's room to study up on his Greek Mythology. If he wasn't allowed to fight, he'd support his brother in other ways...also he didn't want to clean up Papyrus's mess.

        Sitting down at his brother's computer he turned it on and connected to the "internet" or whatever the humans called it. He was grateful that Alphys had upgraded everyone's connection after the barrier, which had cut everyone off from human websites, had vanished.

        Alphys...

         Without her, he and everyone would be long dead by now. The Undernet had little on Greek Mythology and what was on there wasn't always true, the books Undyne had read when she was younger had long since been lost as well.

        I swore I'd bring her back, I promised...

         Undyne knew Sans' mind wasn't stable, so she didn't blame him for forgetting about Alphys...but that didn't mean he didn't blame himself.

        I always forget my promises...I'm no different than Papyrus. I can't be trusted.

         "ugh, snap out of it buddy, focus...focus.."  

        Let's see...fire breathing lion.

         How do you spell lion? It sounds so familiar...

         L-i-e-n?

         After getting the spelling right, he found the page he wanted and began to read. Apparently the creature Papyrus and Flowey were fighting was called a Chimera. The creature was as big as their house and was part lion, part goat, and part poisonous serpent.

        "What da' goat be for?"

        Sans jumped and looked under the desk to see Baby Papyrus sitting down with the new yellow block Sans had gotten him.

        "i don't know...how did you know i was looking up the chimera? you can't see the computer from down here..."

        "We gots the same eyes!"

        "what...?"

        Baby Papyrus put the block in his mouth.

        Oookay...

         The comedian went back to reading. He had learned in less than a week that trying to understand Baby Papyrus was harder than trying to understand the adult version. His questions were usually answered with lies, silence, or confusing answers that kept him awake at night.

        I wish I could understand him, my baby bro holds so much wisdom that big Pap can't remember, but I can barely decipher what he says...

         Taking out his notebook, Sans excitedly jolted down what Baby Papyrus had said. If there was any pro to having his baby bro around it was that there was never a shortage of mysteries to be found. Sans had made it a secret hobby to write down all the mysterious things his brother said and later try and figure them out. He found that he really enjoyed mysteries and he often visited Sinner Script whenever he could with his notebook in hand and a smile on his face.

        He and the detective had become great friends in no time and friends were in low supply these days.

        We have the same eyes...

         CA-THUNK!

         "hm?" The small skeleton turned his head upon hearing the front door close.

        Is that the kid? Papyrus is all the way in Waterfall...

         Getting up, he left the room to see Chara face down on the couch, seemingly neck-deep in depression.

        "*Sigh*"

         This freaking sucks.

         Don't worry, we'll find Symbol eventually, stay Determined Chara!

         ...

         She's gotta be around here somewhere, we just need to be optimistic!

         ...

         I'm sure any day now we'll find her and be on our-

         "SHUT UP! YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT EVERYDAY FOR THREE YEARS SO JUST SHUT UP!" yelled Chara clutching their head.

        "hey uh, kid? you having issues over there?"

        "NO!"

        "alrighty..."

        ....Do you want to go look at the video feed again at the Lab?

         Why? What the hell for?! We aren't gonna find her, we NEVER find her...

         "...hey kid."

        "What is it Comedian and I swear to GOD if this is another pun..."

        "nope, i was just thinking about symbol and where she could be. you can save and stuff right?"

        "I can't get into the Old City if that's what this is about, I don't think I'm even MEANT to reach it...not that I haven't tried a thousand times..."

        "i haven't."

        Chara looked up. "Wh-what?"

        "you're the player so you have to 'stay in bounds' but i don't have to do shit, heh..i'll check it out if you promise to save beforehand and load if i die."

        Sans didn't believe the world was a game as much as he had before. Despite him having a few small doubts, his mind was back in one piece and he now knew better. Lots of monsters had special abilities, Resetting and Saving etc, was just the kid's.

        Heh heh heh, it really WOULD suck if the world was a video game and I KNEW about it. I'd probably go crazy and start dusting everyone to gain exp and stop the kid for good or something...

         "Are you serious? If this is a joke, it's about as funny as all your other ones."

        "huh? wh-sorry kiddo, one more time?"

        "....You gotta learn to listen while other people are talking Comedian."

        The world may not be a video game, but the kid CAN reset the timeline at least...or restart it or whatever. If something happens to me I can be brought back with their help.

         I won't have any memory of Papyrus being a serial killer, or any recollection of what I've learned about my species..and Gaster, but we gotta go check the Old City sometime and I'm the only one who can teleport in and out of the place.

         "Hello?"

        "maybe i won't die though if i turn myself into a Poison type..." murmured Sans.

        Chara looked at him incredulously.

        He's really serious about going down there isn't he?

         This could be our ticket out of here Chara!

        Clifford had long since broken free of his leash by chewing through it in hungry desperation and they had no idea where he was now. They could wind up eaten if they stepped outside Mt. Ebott and that wasn't a death they wanted to repeat over and over again, they needed Flowey to get by the mutt, but the tiny plant wouldn't go anywhere without Papyrus and Papyrus wouldn't leave the Dreemurr family unprotected. The only chance they had of a safe escape was to find Symbol...but that was a LOT of trust Sans was putting into them.

        The Old City was a place even deeper than the Ruins that they could never seem to get to or find a way inside. They had seen it so many times while going to collect the Toy Knife, it had gone from something interesting, to something that drove them crazy, and finally to nothing more than a background. Upon doing research, they found out it was abandoned by most monsters due to poisonous gases that seeped from the earth, something quite common in mines. If Sans went down there...

        He must want out of here as badly as we do if he's willing to risk something so dangerous.

         He might be right about the Poison type thing though, he'd survive if he just changed his font...

         Yeah, I'm sure THAT won't take forever and a day-

         Let's try it Chara, we can't mess around with the backgrounds, but he's an npc so it might work! If the gases kill him THEN we can try changing his font. We don't really KNOW he needs air...

         If he didn't he wouldn't be concerned about dying from poison-

         Can poison kill Comic Sans though?

         He doesn't have his full font...but then again, he can still teleport like a cartoon..hmm, maybe this COULD work...

         "so kid, what's it gonna be? are we doing this thing or what?"

        We have nothing to lose Chara, besides we both know that this game holds a lot of mysteries we can't solve by doing the same things over and over again.

         You're right, the Old City might not even BE a background, maybe this is a secret we've unlocked by doing something different...did we do anything different in this timeline? What were we doing here to begin with, do you know?

         ......

         Hello?

         Uhh, wha-what? Sorry, what do you mean?

         I mean I can't remember why we reset, or even how I came back to life! I can't remember anything! When did I even MEET you?!

         Frisk shook their head. They remembered, but apparently Chara didn't. The "Angel of Death" was acting strangely, most likely because of the same thing Flowey said Sans had had, but they didn't want them to remember their goal of erasing the world. If that meant they had to sit and listen to them complain about how "all the other ten year-olds had already started their Font-catching adventure," so be it.

         Chara looked disappointed that Frisk didn't know anything, but they turned to Sans and nodded. "Alright Comedian, I suppose that IS the only place we haven't checked. Prepare for the journey, you don't know how long you'll be down there."

        "i can teleport kiddo."

        Oh crap that's right. How did I forget that?

         ............

         "i DO need a gas mask or something though. let's stop by arvos and see if she has one, if she doesn't she can go find one for us."

        "You mean steal?"

        "can't very well steal from the dead kid," said Sans.

        "What's that look for?"

         Sans ignored them and went outside to find Snowdin in the same state as Arachne had left it, covered in webs, though some were broken from the fights Papyrus had had with some of the mythological beasts.

        If it weren't for those webs getting in all the creature's way, Papyrus may not even be here right now.

         The skeleton watched the kid "save" and traveled with them to Waterfall. He hoped he still knew HOW to teleport as he hadn't done so in so long. In order to find Symbol as quickly as possible, everyone walked everywhere, not wanting or daring to leave any stone unturned or path unwatched. It was hard on the comedian and he had had to switch to his old pair of blue sneakers to avoid wearing out his slippers, but at least he was getting in shape..somehow.

        "let's take the boat for once, i'm probably gonna be doing a lot of walking if the old lady's in a city."

        "Sure, it's not like we're on a time crunch or anything."

        Sans took a deep breath and approached the area where the Riverman ferried people across...or at least he USED to. Almost everyone was gone at this point and the only person who talked to him now was Sans, as far as the Font knew anyway. The Riverman used to talk to his passengers and sing, but now whenever Sans said 'hello' he was met with silence.

        The Riverman hadn't spoken to him or even uttered a sound in three years. He kept his head straight and remained silent, not even bothering to look at Sans. The comedian hoped that one day he would feel better if he just kept talking to him, but so far he'd had no luck whatsoever.

        He's just completely shut down...

         "h-hey..."

        "......."

        An awkward silence fell between them. There were times when Sans thought the reason for the Riverman's silence was because he was angry at the him for taking in the kid, but surely he knew the king and queen had far too many children right? There was nowhere else the little maniac could go and Papyrus was the best one to look after them due to his font.

        "i just wanted to stop by and say hi, me and the kid think we might of found a way to find symbol. you know that font i've been telling you about? could ya' let me on?"

        CREAK!

         The Riverman turned his head and looked at Sans briefly before stepping to the side and making room for him on the ferry.

        What the hell...?

         Sans headed towards the boat, cautiously. He hadn't expected the Riverman to just let him on with the kid who murdered everyone now living with him, he thought he would've had to at LEAST explain himself, but apparently not. 

        "Wait!" said Chara grabbing Sans' arm. "Something doesn't feel right..."

        "*sigh* i know kid, i feel it too, but anything new related to symbol needs to be investigated," whispered Sans before stepping closer to the boat.

        "Then perhaps you should 'investigate' with someone who can protect you if things go wrong."

        The skeleton quickly turned to see Papyrus glaring at him with his arms crossed. He had been eyeing the Riverman for quite some time as well, but for different reasons entirely.

        How is this monster getting paid without any customers? He doesn't charge children, but there's barely anyone left to profit from!

         The human is right, something's off.

         "Oh hey the Rivercrier moved back a bit! Way to go Smiley! How'd you do it? Did ya' threaten to hug em'?"

        "*siiiigh* hiii floweyyy," said Sans unenthusiastically.

        I swear if Pap WERE to get married, he'd still wear Flowey more than his wedding ring.

        "Going on a little trip? Without Pappy and me? How are you supposed to fight off the water beasties with one AT?"

        Oh right, the water things, I didn't read the whole page on those yet.   

        "There aren't any water creatures, don't listen to him Brother..."

        "There totally are. Haven't you been studying on the web? You can't expect us to do everything you know!"

        "no reason to be worweed, i've been boneing up on my greek mythology."

        "........The only reason I'm going with you is because I'm curious Trashbag," said Flowey annoyed. He missed Toon Smiley. Toon Smiley was fun and actually funny and regular Smiley was a ocean-maker.

        I swear he's a bigger crybaby than I EVER was...

         "Actually Sans, I would appreciate it if you'd watch over the child-"

        "I's not a child, I's a baby!"

        Everyone turned to see Baby Papyrus just entering the area.

        "oh hey! what're you doing here lil' bro?"

        "YOU LEFTS ME AT HOME!" yelled the baby bones angrily. "I'S JUST A BABY! YOU CAN'T LEAVES ME BY MYSELVES!"

        Papyrus gave Sans a look.

        "he has gaster's memories bro! he's an adult in a baby's body!"

        "I believe we've already discussed this-"

        "Golly Smiley, you're the worst parent ever!" cried Flowey, putting his leaves up to his cheeks in mock horror. "If you don't shape up, Pappy will NEVER carry your brat!"

        "shut up flowey."

        "He's right Brother, I won't have your child if you don't look after this one..."

        "SHUT UP PAPYRUS."

        "Nyeh heh heh heh heh!"

        Baby Papyrus looked at the Riverman curiously. He'd never talked to the robed monster before. Quietly so as to not be heard, the baby bones snuck into the boat using his Wingdings.

        Hey Partner, did you see that?

         Yeah, we should tell Sans.

        "you're not wrong though buttercup, i am pretty bad at looking after children, ain't that right kid?"

        Never mind, fuck Sans.

         Yeah, fuck em'.

         He's such a piece of crap.

         He's never done ANYTHING for us.

         Chara glared at Sans hatefully.

         Didn't he once prank you with ketchup?

         "hey kid? you alright?"

         He did. As far as he knew, I hadn't eaten in days, but he still took me out to brunch and ruined my fries.

         What a tool.

         Yeah, remember when he took us out for dinner and didn't order us anything? He threatened us instead and made that SAME joke only different!

         I remember, idiot skeleton. What, does he thinks he's a Horror or something? Why would we be afraid of a walking egg?

         Exactly, who threatens the kid their supposed to protect anyway?! We get killed a dozen times because he's too much of a prick to keep his promise and then he decides to make a JOKE and THREATEN us?!

         "why are you glaring at me? it was just a joke..."

        "It's probably because you're not funny...yeah that's probably it."

        "Come now Flowey! My brother's plenty funny, he just has a different sense of humor than the rest of us..."

        "wow seriously? that joke wasn't mean enough for you? i thought you liked messed up crap?"

        Why is it so hard to make Pap laugh? Flowey does it so easily...

        "It has to be untrue to be funny, otherwise you're Flowey...and NOBODY likes Flowey, Sans."

        "Yeah Smiley! Quit stealing my shtick!"

        But I want to make bro laugh like you do...

         Sans hung his head sadly. Sometimes he wondered if the only reason Papyrus liked him was because he was his last blood relative, or because Papyrus had a problem.

        If he weren't sick, would he still care about me...?

         If Gaster had been nice to him, would he even care?

         Sans shook his head, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.

        No, no more bad thoughts, I need to stop that. I hate being the rain cloud in the group.

         Besides, Pap said he loved me as soon as he saw me...and was informed that I only had one HP...which was his doing.

         Is it guilt that drives him to protect me?

         "Sans? Are you alright?"

        "huh? ye-yeah, i'm fine."

        "*Sigh*"

        "i'm just having trouble keeping my bad thoughts at bay, that's all. i'm trying really hard to change...i hate being the patent crybaby..."

        "Careful," said Papyrus adjusting his gloves. "You're font is based on your mentality Brother, it will change as you do."

        "if not being a walking raincloud changes me, then so be it. i wouldn't be pretending to be someone else like i was with pulse sans anyway, it would be self-improvement. that's okay right?"

        "Of course! It's always nice to try and improve your character!" said Papyrus smiling. "I'm proud of you for taking the initiative Sans!"

        The smaller skeleton smiled back warmly.

        Maybe if I try hard enough, I'll become someone everyone likes AND be helpful to them. I may even get my HP and AT up!

         I don't hate who I am like I used to, but that doesn't mean I should avoid change.

         He fingered the FontSearch in his pocket curiously. Since it had been updated, the Requirements tab had info on how to change into a certain Font. All he had to do was pick one and follow the instructions like someone copying an aerobics instructor on tv. He was torn however between looking for a font that best suited him, or trying to change naturally...but that meant no looking at the other fonts.

        "hey bro? would it be better to change naturally or try and pick a font from the fontsearch?"

        "Hmm..." Papyrus tapped his fingers on his arm thoughtfully. "If you keep it a surprise you may accidently gain a font you don't want, I think you should choose one that suits your lifestyle minus the cons you loath. If you fail, then the worst that'll happen is you remain Comic Sans."

        "Uhh..I think you're forgetting something Trashbag."

        "Undyne and I won't disappear. I did some research and it seems items and people only vanish once their magic runs out. Undyne and I supply our OWN magic, so there shouldn't be any problems. The concoction Sans made in the past disappeared along with its effects because Brother absorbed all the magic that made it up. Think of magic as if it were atoms, once the atoms that make something vanish, so too will-"

        "UGH stop, I get it already!"

        Papyrus looked at his tiny friend seemingly unconvinced. "You understand huh?"

        "Even if I DIDN'T Trashbag, I don't CARE anymore!"

        "I'm so sorry for making you learn something today-"

        "You should be."

        "Next time I'll keep you in the dark so you can grow up stupid."

        "Thank you. In return I won't warn anyone about how BORING you are so you can catch them off guard! How's that sound?"

        "Like you want to go for a swim."

        Sans chuckled and brought up the Requirements page. "okay, let's take a look-see..."

        "Be aware that there are certain fonts I will not tolerate, Brother. If you become Broadway or ANYTHING with the word "gothic" in the title, I will move out-"

        "heh heh ha ha! i'm not much of a singer pap, and i'm trying to get out of the depressing font area."

        Let's see, there's Jokerman but it says I have to be highly energetic and that's not happening...

         What the hell is Juice?

         Juice: The Healthy Beverage Font

    Attribute: Normal

    Type: Virus

    Praised for their delicious and often nutritious drinks, this Font can easily turn any liquid into juice.

    Yeah, that'll help take down a Hydra.

    Flowey reached over and looked at the screen from behind Sans' shoulder. "Are-are you serious? This is for real a Font?"

        Because of their amazing ability, they often choose self-employment, starting their own businesses all over the world. The demand for their beverages are higher than most companies that make juice from actual fruits and vegetables, causing complaints from several store owners.

    In order to protect themselves from threats, Juice turns the blood of their enemies into juice with their virus through their parasitic touch.

    Oh my god!

         "Holy crap, that's hilarious! Did you hear that Pappy? If Smiley chooses Juice he can turn people's blood into juice! Just by touching them! He can kill AND provide everyone with healthy drinks!"

        "that actually does sound pretty cool."

        "Pick it! Pick this one Smiley!"

        "i would but the requirements page says i have to drink a truckload of juice every five to six hours. if i wanna keep the font, i have to keep it up for the rest of my life."

        Chara cringed in disgust. "Ugh, who the hell spends so much time drinking juice that they gain THAT font? Or did someone's parents ONLY give their baby bones juice?"

        "i dunno kid, there are some strange people in the world."     

        Frisk imagined fighting Sans in the Judgment Hall and having their blood turn to juice. How fast would that kill them? Would it burn or be freezing? They had to admit they were curious.

        "Just a note, you're of the Sans-Serif family Brother, the font you choose must also be a Sans-Serif-" 

        "oh hey, this one's interesting. gill sans-"

        He's not listening to me.

        "Can they breathe underwater? We can use that Smiley! If you sink the boat you can-"

        "shut up flowey, i'm actually LOSING weight-"

        "He was only looking after you Brother."

        "Yeah! That's what friends d-uh oh," Flowey stopped mid-sentence as he noticed the ferry was gone from the shore.

        "what is it buttercup?"

        "Looks like the ferry took off. Guess he heard me."

        Everyone turned to see that Flowey was right. The Riverman was nowhere to be seen, Papyrus and Sans felt a bit guilty for their rudeness. They hadn't been able to get him to talk for three years and now they had unintentionally ignored his offer to ride with him.

        "He's been gone for awhile actually, Baby Papyrus climbed on board earlier-"

        "WHAT?!" Papyrus glared at the child angrily. If anything happened to Baby Papyrus, he would disappear forever. The entire future would change!

        "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US KID?!"

        "Fuck you, that's why." Chara high-fived the air next to them.

        "...."

Chapter Text

"Nyeh hee hee hee!" Baby Papyrus laughed as the Riverman carried him across the water gently and smoothly. He had never been on a boat ride before, he had always stayed clear of the Riverman because he had heard that he knew Gaster and he didn't want to get sent back to the Lab.

        Papyrus wasn't supposed to be out of the Lab.

        Ever.

        Not that he didn't still go out.

        It wasn't right to keep a baby bones cooped up all day, they needed to see and learn new things so they'd get smart like the big people! Besides, Papyrus wasn't getting the nutrients he needed even though he had new cheese at home. Daddy was a jerkoff, but he DID make the baby a special type of baby formula that made sure Papyrus got his nutrients AND made him faster and stronger than other babies. His brother unfortunately didn't know how to make it, either that or he was just being lazy; regardless, the baby bones would just have to go find some health milk elsewhere.

        "Dat's a nice dress," said the baby smiling past the Riverman.

        "........"

        "If da' baby had a dress like dat, it would be a dweam come too...I's gonna be the Gwim Weeper when I gets big!"

        "......."

        "I's gonna have a big sharp scythy-thing and I's gonna cut off alll da' heads..."

        "......."

        "Imma come to yo' house too."

        The Riverman looked at Baby Papyrus briefly before turning back around.

        "Imma come to yo' house and eats da' breakfast."

        "....."

        "Then I cuts off yo' head."

        "......."

        "......."

        "......."

        "I can has dat dress?"

        "....."

        Baby Papyrus reached out to grab hold of the Riverman's black cloak, only to pass through it.

        "Ooooooh!" said the baby bones in awe. "Dat's a magic dress if da' baby ever sawed one!"

        "......."

        "How you cween dat dress? Does it smell like doody?" Baby Papyrus sniffed the cloak and the Riverman pulled it to the side. "Dat's rude! Lemme sniff da' doody dress!"

        "......"

        "*Sniff* *Sniff*"

        "......"

        "Yep, dat's doody. You gots a stink dress...you should gives it to da' baby..."

        "......"

        As the boat continued on slowly, the baby bones soon grew bored. The Riverman wasn't much for conversation it seemed and there were no toys for him to play with...he didn't even have his cheese.

        All was not lost however, as he soon had an idea.

        "You's so kind to da' baby, Imma help row the boat too. I's gonna make it go weal fast!"

        The Riverman turned again to look at Papyrus.

        "You don't gots to thank da' baby. DA' GWEAT PAPYRUS IS ALWAYS HELPFUL! NYEH HEH HEE HEE!"

        Baby Papyrus summoned his gaster blaster and put it in the water. It was good to be a Verbal Font; if he wasn't, he might not be as ingenious as he was.

        The Riverman stopped rowing.

        "Hold on to yo' duff, cause' da' wide is gonna get rough!"

        Papyrus fired.

        "NYEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!"

        "!!!!!"

        The boat zoomed forward at an incredible speed through the water as the blaster acted as a motor. Luckily the path forward was a straight line and there weren't any rocks in the way, otherwise they would have surely been smashed against them.

        "NYEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!" Baby Papyrus screamed as they continued to rocket forward, holding on to the wooden seat with all the strength he could muster, his tiny baby legs flying out behind him like a flag.

        The Riverman knelt down, clutching his hood and the boat with each hand, being careful not to drop his rowing stick. Trying to use it as a brake would only result in it snapping in two, but thankfully Papyrus always saved at least a little bit of his magic in case of emergencies and he soon de-summoned his gaster blasters.

        "Uh oh! I's out of magics. We gots to use da' stick again," lied Papyrus.

        "........." The Riverman stared at the baby silently.

        He didn't move.

        "You's not gonna woe no more? You's sweepy? I can do da' stick..."

        "......."

        Baby Papyrus, stuck a finger up his nose, staring at nothing."Is you mad at da' baby?"

        "........."

        "........."

        "........."

        The Riverman began rowing again, but he didn't take his eyes off Papyrus.     

        The baby bones crawled up to him. "You know what dis remind the baby of? Dis boat right here?" Baby Papyrus smacked the boat several times.

        "....."

        "Woe woe, woe yo' boat, gently downs da' stweeeeam-NYEH-HAH!"

        SPLASH!

         The Riverman dropped Papyrus out of the boat and continued on, never looking back.

        "NYEH *COUGH!* AAHHH!"

        "OH MY GOD!"

        SPLASH!

         Suddenly Baby Papyrus felt someone from under the water scoop him up in their arms. They brought the poor little baby to shore, scowling in the direction the Riverman had taken off to.

        "YOU STINKIN' PUNK! WHO THROWS A BABY INTO A RIVER?!"

        "NYEEEEHHHHHH!"

        "Oh! Shh..shh..shhh...it's okay little Pappy. Undyne's here now! You're gonna be okay..."

        "NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"

        "Seriously, stop crying."

        "Kay'."

        Undyne looked at Papyrus for a couple seconds; she wasn't expecting him to actually stop...

        He's so cute! Who would DO something so cruel to such a sweet baby?! That river-prick has some serious explaining to do!

         "I likes yo' boobs!"

        "Thanks."

        Why was the little dweeb on that boat alone anyway? Isn't his brother supposed to be looking after him?!

         "They don't have any milk."

        Sans is so freaking lazy, I bet he fell asleep and let him just crawl off in a town full of bone-hungry dogs. He's probably still sleeping now too!

         The more she thought about it the more angry she became. She didn't know how long it took for Blood Blocks virus to wear off, but it didn't matter. Regardless of whether the baby she was holding was the once-adult Papyrus or the actual baby version, he still could get into trouble if someone didn't look after him, even if the virus only lasted a couple minutes it was still ample time for him to electrocute himself by chewing on wires or apparently DROWN.

        I obviously can't trust Sans to look after the dweeb. I'll have to do it myself! I WILL do it myself! I'll be the best mom EVER!

         "Your big brother didn't take care of you very well did he?"

        "*Sniff* No...he left me all by myselves and putted me on a boat..."

        "How would you like to come stay with me for awhile? I'll take good care of you, you don't need Sans."

        "Yeah! I don't need no stink buther, I's gonna live with da' fish lady!" exclaimed Baby Papyrus, throwing his hands up excitedly. He flashed her a smile as big as Undyne's and hugged her around the neck. He didn't know why Undyne was suddenly a big person...or why there was a big version of himself, but as long as they were nice to the baby...

        "Aww! You're so cute!"

        "Yep, I's a cute bae, but now I's wet..."

        "We'll get you some new clothes at Asgore's, he definitely has some spare baby clothes around! What would you like?"

        "Baby would like some vengeance."

        "Wh-wha-uhh..I mean, what would you like to wear?"

        What the hell was that...?

         Oh right, I'm raising a baby villain aren't I?

         "Sometin' cute and orange, cause' it match my eyes. I gots to look nice or I's gonna be a dumpster baby..."

        "Nobody's gonna throw you away if you don't look cute."

        They'll throw you away for other reasons.

         "Yes they will, they's gonna thow me away and I's gonna be a stink baby-"

        "That's ridiculous, no one's throwing you away. Let's get you to Asgore's-"

        "But my vengeance..."     

        "You don't need vengeance, you need JUSTICE!" said Undyne pumping her fist in the air. A good mother needed to teach their kids right from wrong as soon as possible, especially in Papyrus's case.

        "Kay', I go get some justice." Baby Papyrus summoned his wingdings and took himself out of Undyne's arms, de-summoning them as his feety pajama feet touched the ground. He crawled towards the direction of the dump, where all the treasures were found, already devising a plan to get himself some justice.

        "Where are you going?"

        "I needs da' right tools if I's gonna get da' justice. I go to the Dump."

        "You already have a plan?!"

        "Yep! Riverman gonna paaay for mah jammies! Nyeh hee hee hee hee!"

        Undyne didn't say anything; she only followed the baby bones silently, hatching plans of her own.

        Papyrus apparently was BORN a villain I guess...I bet if I follow him and watch carefully I can learn more about how his brain works. Maybe I can even turn him away from the dark side!

         When Papyrus got to the Dump he immediately began searching for the swirly thing.

        "What're you looking fo-"

        "NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Baby Papyrus laughed happily as he held up a corkscrew high in the air with one hand.

        He found it!

        "Ohhh no! You're not drilling any holes in that boat!" said Undyne heading towards Papyrus briskly.

        "You can't stop da' baby!"

        "THE HELL I CAN'T!"

        "Nyeh heh heh heh heh!"

        "GET BACK HERE!"

        BLOOSH!

         Baby Papyrus used a bit of magic he'd saved to fire a gaster blaster at the ground, the monster dust that had settled years ago flew up and provided an excellent smoke screen for the baby's getaway.

        "*COUGH!* *COUGH!* GE-*COUGH!* GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE JERK!"

        Undyne pushed through the cloud of dust and looked around, but the tiny skeletal baby was nowhere to be seen.

        "*COUGH!* PAPYRUS! *COUGH!*"

        The baby bones crawled as fast as he could away from the area and towards the place he knew he'd find the Riverman. Peeking around the corner he saw that he was in his regular spot, but if he saw Papyrus...

        "H-HEY! *huff*" Sans ran up to the Riverman breathing heavily. "my-my baby bro...he got on this boat earlier *huff* do-do you know where he got off?"

        "Excellent," whispered Baby Papyrus putting his fingers together like Mr. Burns. Big Brother was and would make a perfect distraction for the baby.

        "i-i don't know where you stopped last and i'm really worried about him. he's kind of a troublemaker."

        "......"

        Baby Papyrus slipped into the water like a baby snake and used his blaster as a flotation device as he doggy paddled towards the boat, carrying the corkscrew in his mouth as if it were a knife and he was starring in the next Rambo movie.

        "please, please say something! this is important!"

        Reaching the boat, he jabbed the corkscrew into the underside, pushing hard with the help of his wingdings. The Riverman didn't seem to notice him, he simply stepped aside so Sans could enter the boat.

        "i KNOW you understand me! i don't want a ride, i just wanna know where my baby brother is!"

        "......."

        Baby Papyrus tried turning the corkscrew, but he wasn't strong enough, it didn't budge.

        "listen you-WOAH!"

        THUMP!

         The baby jumped as he heard Sans fall into the boat. Apparently he had tried to grab onto the Riverman's cloak and passed right through it. The tiny skeleton looked around worriedly as the boat started to head out, dragging him slowly along with it.

        His big brother pulled himself up and the comedian's eyes grew wide as he spotted him. Before he could get a word out however, Papyrus put a finger to his teeth, signaling for him to be quiet.

        "what are you doing here?!" whispered Sans reaching out for his baby brother.

        Papyrus moved back a bit and pointed at the Riverman.

        It didn't take long for Sans to figure out why his brother was in the water.

        "DID YOU TOSS MY BABY BROTHER OUT OF THE BOAT?!"

        ".........."

        "HEY, ANSWER ME! DID YOU THROW MY BROTHER INTO THE RIVER?!" Sans' eye burned bright blue in anger. Baby Papyrus was a pest, but to purposely leave him to drown?! That wasn't cool...especially since Sans had done all he could for three years to cheer the Riverman up.   

        What's his problem?! There's no excuse to throw a baby into a river! I don't care if he's grieving, that's messed up and that's MY brother!

         ........

         I'm calling Papyrus.

         "c'mere bro," said Sans lifting his baby brother out of the water. He scowled at the Riverman who had turned to look at them. "if you try anything, i'll end you. ya' hear me? i don't give a DAMN about the royal guard..."

        "YEAH STINK HEAD! BIG BUTHER GONNA KICK YO' ASK!"

        Sans dialed Papyrus's number; he wasn't gonna fight on a boat, but the Riverman wasn't going to get away with what he'd done either.

        One ring...

        "Sans? Did you find him?"

        "yeah bro, the riverman threw him into the water-"

        "WHAT?!"

        "He thowed me in da' water and now I's all wet! I's drowning but da' fish lady saved me. We's on the boat now-"

        "Get off the boat."

        "huh? why bro?"

        "The Riverman won't carry two people at once, that's not him! Get off the boat!!"

        "huh? no, pap, i found baby-you while i was already riding; he didn't just let us both o-*gasp!*" 

        Sans stopped mid-sentence as he saw that they were headed towards a waterfall he'd not only never seen before, but also hadn't heard. He quickly teleported onto a boulder and clutching his younger brother to his chest, watched the boat fall into what looked like a pit to Hell.

        "whoa..."

        "SANS?! SANS, WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

        The comedian was too stunned to answer.

        The waterfall led straight down like a waterfall usually did, but the boat seemed to ride it as if it were on a set path, being pulled with chains like a rollercoaster...only vertical. Looking down near the edge he could see shapes of what looked like monsters and skeletons floating like Ghost Fonts in the water, they too fell the same way, though they seemed reluctant to go. Hands, claws, fins, tentacles, and wings reached out of the water for something to latch onto, but to no avail, those that caught the boulder Sans was standing on were eventually pulled off and disappeared with the others. 

        "oh my god..."

        "SANS?! SANS?!"

        "He fall down da' Hell Well!" said Baby Papyrus in awe. "I wish to visit the demons big Buther."

        Sans put Baby Papyrus down and put a hand to his chest in an attempt to calm his pounding soul. "i'm..okay pap. we're both okay..."

        I know what that place was...I know who that GUY was...

         "I can sees the dead peoples down there!" exclaimed the baby bones, looking into the chasm. It didn't seem to be closing at all and it made him wonder how long it had been there. It made sense that he wouldn't have seen it, as they were in the part of Waterfall that was only accessible to the Riverman.

        "Thank goodness...come home please, we need to dis-"

        "get away from the edge papyrus. sorry bro lemme call you back-"

        "NYEHHHHHHHHHHH!"

        "PAPYRUS!"

        Sans cried out in horror as his baby brother fell into the abyss.

Chapter Text

        "I swear to every god out there Arvo, if you don't return what's mine..."

        "Pappyyyy! It's been avhile, no?"

        "Don't Pappy me, you thieving scum! Return my computer at once!"

        "I did not touch your computer Pappy! I svear on my dear Mama's soul-"

        "You need to worry about your OWN soul!"

        "pap!"    

        Papyrus jumped in surprise as Sans teleported into the kitchen and put his hand over the phone's speaker. "Yes Brother?"

        "oh, sorry. never mind finish your conversation."

        "Arvo Pacifico only carry the finest merchandise. Vhat vould I vant vith an old PC? You have the vrong voman darling!"

        "I CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE LYING."

        "Arvo never lie! I love my customers!"

        "If I don't get my computer back, I'm gonna pay you a visit and I guarantee, you won't love me as much as you do now..."

        "arvo stole your computer? i was just on that thing..."

        "You are being unreasonable Pappy! Ve are friends yes? Vhat is vith the hostility?"

        "There are hundreds of empty houses in the Underground, HUNDREDS, and you choose to steal from ME?! Do you know WHY there are so many empty houses down here? It's because my child and I wiped everyone who once lived here OUT."

        Chara looked up from their book.

        Did he just call us his child?

         "...Vhich house do you live exactly? Are you talking about big two story house? You live there?"

        "Yes I live there!"

        You KNOW I live here...

         "Oh so sorry! Arvo know vhat you mean now. Yes, I have computer right here-"

        "THEN RETURN IT."

        "Of course! Anything for favorite customer! So sorry for inconvenience."

        "*Sigh*" Papyrus hung up and turned to Sans. "Apologies Brother, what is it you needed?"

        "baby-you fell into what i think was hell, we need to go get him!"

        "........."

        "bro?"

        "I fell into Hell and you waited for me to finish my phone call? Is..is that what I'm hearing from you?"

        "ye-yeah...that was dumb. sorry."

        "It's..*sigh* it's not fine, but now's not the time to argue," said Papyrus rubbing his face with his hands. "FLOWEY! FLOWEY GET DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY!"

        Sans jumped at the sudden yelling.

        "I'M PLAYING MARIO!" screamed Flowey from upstairs. The tiny plant had been up there playing video games since Papyrus had fashioned Sans room into a children's nursery for Baby Papyrus and Chara.

        "I DON'T CARE, PAUSE THE GAME AND MOVE YOUR ROOTS BEFORE I CUT THEM OFF!"

        Do do dodo do dodo do do do!

        "ARGH! DAMN IT TRASHBAG YOU MADE ME LOSE A LIFE!"

        "I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN!!"  

        Sans looked at his brother with concern. Papyrus seemed to be getting more and more odd with each passing day.

        It really feels like he's everyone's Dad sometimes...including mine.

         Oh wait he kinda IS my dad isn't he?

         The comedian cringed at the idea of taking care of four children alone. There's no way he'd be able to do that, no way in hell.

        I wish I could help more, but I'm so bad with kids...I can't believe I sat Papyrus down on a boulder at the end of a waterfall into...what did I think was going to happen?!

         Did I think he would stay still like a GOOD baby?!

         I'm so freaking stupid.

         Sans wrapped his arms around Papyrus and gave him a hug. He wasn't too useful, but he wasn't a total burden either. He'd learned a few things over the years, such as a simple hug from a cute creature was more powerful than a good night's sleep. He smiled as Papyrus broke into a grin and scooped him up in his arms.

        CLACK!

         "Thanks Sans, I..I needed that. Nyeh heh heh, you're so adorable! I can't get enough of you these days it seems!"

        "heh heh ha ha!"

        Yeah that's right, I'm the cutest thing you've ever SEEN.

         The smaller skeleton had worked hard to enhance his cuteness for Papyrus in order to make things less stressful for him. He had at one time ditched his blue hoodie and decided to simply walk around in his white shirt in order to show off his small frame, he'd even taken to wearing Papyrus's red hat backwards. He quickly found however, that he HATED losing his pockets, so he now only wore the outfit when Papyrus seemed to be having a worse day than usual.

        Heh, even without my full font I'm still Comic Sans.

         He noticed Chara glaring at him from the couch, but he ignored them. They and Flowey often made fun of San's childish uniform and behavior, unaware that it only gave him confirmation that he was cuter than them.

         That kid and Flowey can suck it. I'm in my thirties and I'm STILL cuter than anyone in this household.

         Except for Baby Papyrus.

        Sans frowned a bit, but he quickly brushed his jealousy away. Baby Papyrus wasn't there at the moment which meant SANS held the title now. It was fun to picture himself as part of a secret contest with Flowey, the kid, and Baby Papyrus being his competition for adoration. Being the cutest made him feel important and special, like he had something no one else did. He never TOLD anyone this of course...

        They'd call me pathetic.

         They don't understand how it feels to be weak..to be a burden even though you're an adult. I'm sure if I worked hard I could beat someone in a fight like them, but with my one HP, trying would scare Pap...hurt his feelings.

         They don't know what it's like to be a princess in an unlocked room.

         Sans took out his FontSearch and hit Requirements.

        "What do you want bonehead? This better be freaking important!"

        "Would I and do I ever call upon you for anything unimportant? I call on you when I need someone I can trust and count on-"

        "What do you want Papyrus?"

        "Baby-me has fallen into Hades and I need someone who can climb back up while carrying him-"

        "Did you say Hades...? Isn't that technically Hell?"

        "W-well yes but-"

        "Sure thing Pappy! You can count on Flowey the flower!"

        Papyrus narrowed his eyes at the plant, immediately suspicious. "You've no quarrels huh? And why is that exactly?"

        "Because you're my bestest friend silly!" said Flowey, sticking out his tongue and doing a small wigging dance.

        And I've done a little research of my own Trashbag.

         HA HA HA HA HA HA!

         "something's off bro," whispered Sans.

        "I know Brother, he probably knows about the place, dontcha' Flowey?"

        "HEH HEH HA HA HA HA!"

        "what's so special about it pap?"

        Don't people usually try to AVOID Hell...?

         What? Is Flowey trying to get used to the place or something beforehand?

         "This is the Greek version of Hell, Brother. It's not all fire and brimstone-"

        "There's souls down there Smiley!"

        "you still have your soul buttercup, you're just a flower that's all."

        "He's probably planning on absorbing them all in order to become God or some dumb crap like that," said Chara nonchalantly turning a page.

        Isn't that bad though?

         He's forgetting about Hades.

         Oh yeah, that guy with blue hair in Hercules! I wanna meet him, he was the best.

         He definitely made the movie, but I highly doubt it's the Disney version Partner...or that he'll just let him take all those souls.

         "It's not stupid! At least I HAVE a goal in life BRAT!"

        "Good luck big bro," said Chara giving Flowey a thumbs up, they didn't bother looking up from their book.

        Flowey's so friggen' dumb...

         Flowey stuck out his tongue and opened the front door to Snowdin.

        FLOOSH!

         "Flowey."

        "What?!"

        "Be careful."

        "......."

        "They're right my friend, that place is dangerous, even to someone with your skill. Do not underestimate anyone or anything you encounter down there."

        "yeah buddy, a lot of these creatures breathe fire even though they're made of creatures that shouldn't."

        "....."

        CA-THINK!

         "PAPYRUS! PAPYRUS WHERE ARE YOU?!" Undyne cupped her hands around her mouth and called out for the baby once more before giving her voice a rest.

        What's the point? I know where the little punk is going anyway. He's gonna ruin that guy's boat.

         ARRGH! HOW IS HE SO FAST?!

         "HEY!" the captain yelled as she spotted the Riverman standing in his boat silently. "Hey dude, did you happen to see a psycho baby crawling around with a corkscrew in his mouth?"

        "....."

        "It's pretty freaking important seeing as he was planning on ruining your boat! Can you please stop being a dick and help?!"

        Upon hearing that the baby bones had been planning, the Riverman turned to look at his boat in alarm. Scanning the sides, he immediately spied a corkscrew stuck in the side of his boat, luckily he could pull it out without any damage being done, but where was the baby?

        "Hey that's the corkscrew!"

        The Riverman ignored her, looking down at the tool in his hand, worried.

        Had he accidently ferried someone to Hades against their will?

        That was against the rules.

        "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"  

        "FLOWEY?!"

        "......"

        "You're not thinking of taking the ferry are ya' Fish Breath? It leads to Hell you know..."

        "What? Shut up Flowey."

        He could of sworn he'd seen the bigger skeleton teleport with the baby though...unless the little heathen jumped back into the water for its "toy"...

        "....."

        "It's true! I know you've seen the creatures..they're coming from down there!"

        "Chimeras don't have wings, you're not fooling anybod-HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

        The Riverman began to take off.

        He needed to find that baby.

        THUMP!

         He grabbed the side of the boat as it rocked violently, looking behind him he saw that Undyne had leapt aboard.

        "Way to almost tip the boat idiot," said Flowey grabbing a seat with a vine and hook-shooting into the boat gracefully.

        "......"

        "Why are YOU coming weed? Lookin' to find a new place?"

        "Why would I do that? I live with my BESTEST FRIEND-"

        "Papyrus is MY friend!"

        "Whatever! I'M rescuing Pappy!"

        "NO YOU'RE NOT! I AM!!"

        "......"

        The Riverman rowed faster.

        "Do you even know what you're in for mer-skank? This is serious business, not a chance to play hero!"

        "I don't PLAY anything. I don't know where we're going, but wherever it is I'll get through it and rescue everyone!"

        Everyone...?

         Oh yeah, the Font brats disappeared didn't they?

        Flowey remembered a long time ago when his parents came by in hysterics, yelling that all their children had gone missing and they had no clue as to where.

        Worst. Parents. Ever.

         Apparently Blood Blocks had decided to have a play date with Baby Papyrus and took Bad Seed with them...in the middle of the night. Bloodthirsty of course went out to look for them since he was the fastest, but when he went missing Lolita stormed out to search like an irate mother with No Fear following close behind as her "protector."

        None of them had returned.

        Toriel was in tears and Asgore...Asgore had gone quiet after awhile.

        Probably thinking that maybe he and his wife shouldn't be RAISING kids. They're worse than Smiley! How do you lose FIVE kids in a row?!

         Thankfully, Papyrus's font once again came in handy as he told the couple that their children were simply in "Font school" and would return to them safely after their abilities were mastered.

        Because three-year schools totally exist.

         "Hey Riverman, where exactly is this place? Why didn't you tell anyone about it?"

        "That's not the Riverman you idiot, that's the Ferryman; he's just wearing a similar cloak. His name is Charon and he ferries people to Hades when you get in his boat."

        You're supposed to pay him though, or you wind up not being able to get on for a hundred years. We don't have any Greek money, so this will be a one way trip with no way back...unless you have climbing vines of course.

         I bet the brats made the same mistake as Fish Breath.

         Are they even still alive...?

         "Looks like I might be carrying a lot today..."

        "Don't worry Flowey, I'll help you! As the captain of the Royal Guard-"

        "That barely exists."

        "It is my sworn duty to watch over and protect everyone in the Underground; no matter how worthless or pathetic they are!"

        "......"

        "I will watch over you like a-"

        "That's my speech, bitch."

        "That's no way to treat your teammate! You may not realize it, but I've looked after you all for years, watching you whine and learn and whine and-"

        "KNOCK IT OFF FISH STICK!"      

         CRAAASSSHHHHHHH!

         The sound of the approaching waterfall stole the two's attention and Undyne squealed in excitement as she saw that she really WAS heading to Hades.

        Oh my god, this is AWESOME!

         This is the kinda stuff LEGENDARY heroes accomplish!

         Flowey however, wasn't so pleased. To him it was just a long climb up that he was gonna dread as soon as he got down there...he was ALREADY dreading it actually.

        This is so gonna suck.

         "This is so SICK! Picture it Flowey! You and me, Team Scale Thorn, coming back from the depths of Hell with horrific creatures screaming and fire bursting behind us, carrying all the children and walking out of there like BOSSES!"

        "I'M carrying the brats, remember?"

        "I can carry a couple of them AND scale this wimpy mountain! I climb slippery mountains all the time in Waterfall! This is gonna be cake."

        "Oh yeah, you suplex boulders for no reason don't you? You probably CAN carry a few skeletons-"

        "I don't suplex boulders for no reason! I DO IT BECAUSE I CAN!"

        "Too much hype, Fish Breath...too much hype."

        Papyrus was right, she is EXACTLY like me. Kill or be killed is the same as acting before thinking. How did I not see this earlier?!

         Whatever.

         Kill or be killed was the OLD Flowey, now it's be smart or be killed! I'll be the brains and she'll be the brawn! Together, NOTHING will stop us!

         TEAM SCALE THORN FTW!                        

        "YEEEAAAHHHHHHH!" Flowey and Undyne threw their arms up in the air cheering as they headed down into the depths.    

Chapter Text

"Hellwoe doggy!" Baby Papyrus smiled and waved to the three-headed dog, Cerberus. The baby bones had fallen a long way down, but luckily he had his wingdings to help him cling to the wall so he wouldn't fall into the water...or onto the rocks.

He was such a smart baby.

"BAY-BEEE! LOOK OVER HERE BABY!"

"Nyeh?" Papyrus turned his head to see Blood Blocks and Bad Seed huddled in the crook of a rock. Blood Blocks was waving to him, eyeing the sleeping dog warily.

Curious, Baby Papyrus crawled towards the two. He hadn't seen them in a long time.

"Why you not visit da' baby no more?"

"Why YOU no visit?" asked Bad Seed frowning at Papyrus. She remembered this bad baby...he ate her crayons and pushed her out of her crib! She still hadn't forgiven the little Horror, and she made it a point to remind everyone what he did whenever he came to visit them. "Dis a bad baby over here! He eat-ed my crayow-ns!" exclaimed Bad Seed for the hundredth time.

"Babies don't know no better, sissy. They always eat the crayow-ns..."

"They were deleecious."

"EERRRRRRNNN!"

Papyrus grinned as the baby girl whined, he didn't know why she was always accusing him of eating her crayons, but he had long since stopped asking about it. Right now, he was interested in what she could do, rather than what her complaints were. He had already heard about Bad Seed, she grew plants that ate people...could one eat the doggy in their way?

"You plants a seed to eat da' doggy?"

"I could, but I doesn't want to get eat-ed for it get's big..." said Bad Seed. She also didn't want to help Papyrus. Bad babies deserved to get eaten.

"I can distract da' pooch! I's a brave bae!" Papyrus crawled over to the sleeping dog and pet its nose before the baby bones could respond.

One of Cerberus's heads opened a lazy eye and yawned loudly.

"Ewww! You gots dat doody breath! Snas was right, you licks da' doody!"

The giant  three-headed dog opened the rest of its eyes and picked the baby bones up by his orange feet pajamas. "NOOOO! SAVE DA' BABY!" screamed Papyrus kicking his little legs in the air.

"HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Bad Seed laughed as the giant dog carried him away.

"NOOO! DAT'S MAH BABY!" yelled Blood Blocks running after them. Baby Papyrus wasn't REALLY their baby, but if they were gonna be the best parent ever, they needed to practice taking care of ALL of the babies...

Bad Seed waddled after her brother. "Don't weave me!" she cried, carrying her chew-scarf and struggling to keep up.

Luckily the dog heard them and turned around before getting into the water, kneeling down it used its other two heads to pick the babies up and soon it was off, doggy paddling to Elysium, the place where all babies, heroes, and children went when they died.

"Ooooooooh!" cried the three baby bones looking into the water with awe. There were pretty glowey people in there! 

They drifted with the river's current and Baby Papyrus noticed that there were actually FOUR rivers; each leading into the one giant river they were on and the expressions on the glowey people's faces were different in every one.

The first river was made entirely of fire, he couldn't see in it because it was so far away and the flames were too bright, but it led down another waterfall. He had a bad feeling about THAT river and was happy that Doody-Breath was swimming far away from it. This doggy was smarter than other doggies thankfully.

Another river was strangely empty. The mist that seemed to encompass the entirety of the area was apparently coming from it and he could have sworn he heard and saw a lady in there laughing at him.

"Hee hee hee hee!"

"What YOU laughing at?! Baby WANTED to be close to da' water! Dis' planned!"

The lady didn't respond and it made Papyrus angrier, but his irritation soon vanished upon nearing the last small river. This one was the most interesting...at least to Papyrus. The other babies turned away from it in disinterest as it seemed to them to be the same as the river they were already on, but as the Lying Font, Papyrus could spot a liar almost instantly if he paid attention and this river was FULL of them. The glowey people in this one had their eyes open and were already making plans, probably to escape. Everywhere the baby looked there was a liar thinking about lying to...someone.

Was there someone bad down here?

He struggled to see where the river was headed, but the path he was on veered away from it, much to the baby bones disappointment. How was he supposed to prepare for danger if he didn't know what area it was in?!

The place HE was going apparently led to a bright field of tall yellow grass that looked like wheat. It was filled with children and babies and there was a big tree in the middle and...

and he was already bored.

"Why we stop here? Dis place suck!"

"Dis place be incwedible!" exclaimed Blood Blocks obviously disagreeing. They wanted to play with all the babies as soon as possible. But how were they gonna get down without the doggy's help? They couldn't ask the dog to put them down gently unless one of them knew how to speak doggy and everyone knew babies weren't bilingual. They still had trouble speaking ONE language!

"Oh dear, this is certainly unexpected. It's rare for you to come down here personally so often Cerberus..."

The babies turned their heads to see a beautiful woman in a long white dress, looking at them with worry. She was the most breathtaking woman Baby Papyrus had ever seen. Her long hair was by far her best feature as it seemed to mirror the season perfectly, though her bright blue eyes were nothing to scoff at either.

"NYEHHHHHHHHH!" cried Baby Papyrus loudly, hoping to get her attention. The other babies glared at him, knowing he was faking, but the woman took him from the dog and cuddled him unaware.

"Oh you poor little dear...I bet you were terribly frightened of this gentle giant weren't you?"

"*Sniff* Doggies are scary. They eats widdle babies..."

"Oh ho, Cerberus won't eat you! Not unless you try to leave..."

Now why would the baby ever want to leave this place?

"You's so nice to da' baby...and you's pretty too!"

"Awww, thank you so much! You certainly are a polite little Font aren't you?"

"Yep. I's charming."

"You certainly are! My name's Persephone, what's your name little one?"

"Papyrus."

"......Oh."

Persephone put Papyrus down.

"Dat's a nice dress you gots..."

"Mm."

"I likes it good."

"That's nice, this place is called Elysium and it's for-"

"It would look better cwumbled up next to da' baby's cwib dough..."

"......"

"......"

"......This place is called Elysium and it's a place for babies, children, and heroes who have passed away. Apparently, you three are not dead and thus should not be here-"

"Can I gets some booby-milk peas?"

"You are the second group to have arrived here too early. I don't know what's going on, but this cannot stand-"

"I wish to dwink yo' boobies!"

"......You are a very disturbing baby," said Persephone, looking down at Papyrus.

The baby bones clapped his hands in glee. He didn't know what "disturbing" meant, but it was most likely a compliment, seeing as he had given her one already and he'd been very polite.

Papyrus was glad that she liked him.

"Excuse me child-"

Papyrus turned towards the sound of a male voice somewhere near the tree. "I's not a child, I's a baby! A disturbing baby!"

"Yes you certainly are." The person the voice belonged to stepped out of the tree, much to Papyrus's amazement, fixing the baby bones with a smile that was somehow amused and cold at the same time.

"Who you be? I's wooing over here!"

"Is that a fact?" The man's smile faltered a bit above his dark beard, a fact that Papyrus promptly ignored.

"Yep, I's gonna win the pretty lady's heart and she gonna be mah sugar mama and gives me da' milk!"

"....."

"I don't think so, my name is Hades and this pretty lady is my wife therefore I'll thank you to halt your advances-"

"You keeps your thanks and I keeps yo' wife."

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Persephone burst out laughing at the baby's clever retort.

"Heh heh heh! Baby bones ARE amusing, are they not? Tell me CHILD, have you ever heard the tale of Pirithous?"

"My Lord, this Font is but an infant...!"

"No, and I's not inerwested in yo' fairy tales," said Papyrus curtly, glaring down at the grass. The man's tone said it all, he and him were enemies and they were probably gonna fight. The baby was already plotting the Lord of the Dead's demise...

"Well maybe you'll be interested in this, I am the god of everything you see before you. You're in MY domain, everything the light touches here is our kingdom-"

"I's not afraid of the Lion King-"

"If you cross me, you'll have a lot more to worry about than mere lions child-"

"Go backs to Africa!"

Many of the babies and children laughed at Papyrus's reference as they remembered watching the movie while they were still alive, but Hades was not so happy. This baby was becoming more and more annoying as time passed.

"You are speaking to the Lord of the Dead you insolent little insect!"

"Didn't Hercles drop you in da' people toilet?"

"What...?"

"He put-ted you in da' swirly glowey toilet with the peoples in it. I seens it!"

"I've not an inkling as to what you are referring to-"

"How you get out dat toilet? The glowey people grab you and you went down da' drain!"

"That never happened. Persephone please take our uninvited guests to their proper places until this...mess, is sorted out,"

Persephone hurried to obey, gathering up the three babies and moving them quickly to an area filled with baby bones and Font children. Each area seemed cut off from one another and the one Papyrus was placed in happened to be a playpen of sorts made of stone.

On the front there was an engraved sign, worn with age that was difficult to read, but he could just make out the top part. It said "The Crappy Courageous."

"Dis for cwap babies?!"

"Of course not, we hold all our children in equal value-"

Papyrus took out the FontSearch he had stolen from Sans' pocket and pointed it at one of the little ones.

Thievery: The Stealing Font

"DIS FOR CWAP BABIES!"

"No, this is for children with orange souls-"

"THEN WHY HE HERE?!" yelled Baby Papyrus pointing to Bloodthirsty taking a nap.

"Oh dear, you know him?"

"YES! WHY YOU PUT BABY IN DA' CWAP CORNER?!"

"The name was another resident's idea, not ours," said the goddess walking away.

"I DIDN'T ASKS ABOUT DA' NAME!"

Persephone vanished behind the giant tree.

"NYEHHHHHHHAAAHHHH!"

"Shut up Papyrus, damn..."

"You shuts up..."

The other babies crowed around Papyrus like ants around an Oreo cookie, tugging on his jammies curiously.

"Go way babies! These MY jammies!"

"We're not babies!" said Thievery. He was wearing a ski mask and he looked like a cliché bank robber in his black and white striped sweater.

"Yep, we's toddlers." A baby girl in a blue dress with short blonde hair pulled on her bow.

"I'm five," said another boy in a magician's outfit holding up three fingers.

"We's both five..."

Baby Papyrus took the FontSearch out of his jammies again and pointed it at the toddlers.

ERROR...NO INFORMATION AT THIS TIME. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR FONTSEARCH OR CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CAPTURE FACILITY IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE SCANNED FONT.

The baby looked at the screen in confusion before hitting the new button that popped up saying "Update." The screen turned white and a blue bar began to quickly fill, confusing the baby bones even further. He wasn't used to THIS FontSearch, he only played with his Daddy's...

UPDATE COMPLETE.

"Nyeh?" Did the baby just accomplish something? Would the FontSearch work now?

Supernatural Thing: The Novice Magician Font

"Nyeh hee hee hee hee!" Papyrus laughed happily and listened to the entry with pride.

Attribute: Horror

Type: Summoning

Supernatural Thing is a child exclusive, meaning only children can obtain this font; when the child grows up they will obtain another font based on their personality.

"I's a toddler, not a child!" exclaimed the young magician angrily.

Always practicing their magic, Supernatural Thing is only a few years away from becoming the adult Font Supernatural, however their summoning ability leaves much to be desired.

"NO! DAT THING BE LYIN'!"

They tend to accidentally summon the wrong things and can cause major havoc if not watched with a sharp eye. They often use their summoning to impresses unsuspecting victims in the various kid-like magic shows they put on in busy areas. When this child-Font asks for a volunteer, the victim is promptly killed by whatever is summoned after taking the stage. The things summoned could be anything including food, strange creatures, and objects. After the victim is killed, the child cries due to their failure and embarrassment and as a result they are then often showered with pity rather than scorn.

This Font, because of the way they catch their prey and the fact that they are an exclusive, is NOT to be reported to the Capture Facility. The FontSearch is used to inform of dangers that may be unavoidable and the Capture Facility is there to protect you from said unavoidable dangers. Supernatural Thing only preys upon volunteers and so death is not assured.

Extreme caution is advised.

"Oooooh! You know da' magics!"

"Yep, I's a magic skelly just like you and sissy," said Supernatural bitterly.

"You puts on a magic show for da' baby...?"

"I don't gots my hat! I needs my magician hat or people gonna think I'm Harry Potter-"

"Me next! Scan me next!" exclaimed the girl in the bow excitedly. She loved it when she was scanned because she had the prettiest name.

"My name is Beautiful Liar-"

Beautiful Liar: The Gold-Digging Font

Attribute: Normal

Type: Verbal

Naturally beautiful, Beautiful Liar uses their good looks to manipulate others into buying things for them. Beautiful Liar is also a child exclusive, meaning only children can obtain this font; when the child grows up they will obtain another font based on their personality.

Although they mean no real harm, they are known to empty the wallets of those with weak wills before moving on to the next person, without pause. They can often be seen skipping around in crowded malls or shopping centers by themselves wearing a big smile and it is said that they feel no guilt for their actions whatsoever though not all of them value integrity.

Often mistaken for a Horror, this Font is widely avoided although they're usually non-aggressive and it is common for them to have their font changed to Lonely Liar due to the isolation. Because they depend on magic to survive and they are runaways by nature, this Font is in danger of going extinct due to starvation as labor laws prevent them from earning money and thus buying magic foods.

Evolution however, seems to have smiled upon Beautiful Liar as they have in recent years learned to form symbiotic relationships with thieving Fonts; distracting victims and sharing what is stolen as a result. If this Font approaches you carrying food there is a good chance that a thieving Font is somewhere nearby waiting to steal your belongings, however the Capture Facility is not to be called unless a thieving Font is actually spotted. Beautiful Liar is NOT a threat to anyone's life and is NOT considered a criminal by nature, please keep in mind that any unlawful reports made to the CF can result in a large fine of variable proportions and even a prison sentence if considered a hate crime.

"Oooooh! You's partners in cwime!"

"Yep, we was till we got dusted by a baby-hater," said Beautiful sadly. She pulled her dress down a bit to show off the bullet hole in the fabric. She and Thievery had been victims of bigotry and shot on sight, but hopefully the baby-hater got in trouble for it. Shooting toddlers and babies was a horrible thing to do!

"Aww..dat's sad. What's da' world coming to when cute todd-ilers get shotted for no weason?"

"No reason? They're fucking thieves!"

"Shut it up, Thirsty!" said a baby bones in a strange suit glaring at the older Font. He was smaller than the toddlers, but Papyrus could see this wasn't someone to be messed with. There wasn't a scary aura about him, but one look at that mustache and goatee was all he needed to tell that this baby, though not a Horror, was evil.

Ransom: The Villainous Font

Attribute: Normal

Type: Verbal

One of the most infamous Fonts in the world, Ransom is hated by both Horrors and Normals alike, their horrible reputation matched only by their horrible personality. Massively intelligent, this Font is responsible for both the betrayal of the Horrors AND the Normals back during the Font War, playing for multiple sides simply for sport until finally almost wiping out their own species entirely.

The reason for their evil behavior is to date, unknown. Interviews with the caught Fonts each hold different answers and it is difficult to discern their true motives. Ransom has been known to target multiple world leaders and is thought to be responsible for countless terrorist attacks in random countries. Their crime waves come to a temporary stop when they contact their person of choice and demand a sizable amount of money in exchange for peace.

They specialize in coaxing others to join their evil causes using naught but their wit and charm, turning all who would listen into their "henchmen." They have the natural talent to enlist even other Fonts with their honeyed words simply by use of manipulation, though their font doesn't work on other skeletons, proving that Ransom is not to underestimated simply because they're a Normal. It is difficult, even after Ransom is killed, to turn their "henchmen" back into upstanding citizens and in most cases those victims need also to be put down.

Though this Font constantly wears a suit, they are not easily found, preferring to send out their underlings rather than get their hands dirty. Over the years over thirty two secret lairs have been found underground, inside volcanoes, and even under the sea; all trapped and dangerous. The technology inside suggests that this Font is practical and tends to target the talented, stopping when they've all the help they need. Blueprints on doomsday devices have raised considerable alarm among the populace and for this reason Ransom has been placed at the top of the FMWL. If you or someone you know think you've seen this Font, do not approach them, stay where you are and contact your nearest Capture Facility IMMEDIATELY.

Extreme caution is advised.

"You can't judge a skelly baby by their font you know," said Ransom smiling. "I's hoping we can be friends."

"......."

The baby bones crawled over to Papyrus and stood up, extending his hand. "I gots lots of friends in here, but I wish to weave and go back to da' surface. I can get us out this cwap pace if you helps; I's sure you gots a neat power..."

Papyrus shook the baby's hand. "Yep! My name be Papyrus...I can makes people believe whatever I tells em'!"

"Dat sounds useful-"

"I can also tell when people be lying."

Ransom's smile faded.

"......"

"......"

"Hey uh, are you two okay?"

"....."

"Course we's okay! I gots a new friend Thirsty! Ain't that right Wansom?"

"....Yes."

Bloodthirsty looked at them nervously; he didn't sense any friendliness between those two at all.

When he was alive, he got into a lot of fights at Ebott Elementary, a school he once went to before being thrown out for excessive violence. It was a terrible place filled with corrupt adults and they were the ones he usually fought with. They were racist towards the Fonts that attended the school, targeting them mercilessly as well as anyone else that stood up for them.

Bloodthirsty had been one of those people.

He didn't like how unfair the teachers and deans were at the school, it wasn't right to use your authority to hurt students you didn't like! They were supposed to protect ALL the children at the school, not just the humans, even if he didn't like Fonts. When he voiced his opinion about the injustice of it all however, he became the center of their attention. He had to deal with the lying, condescending, manipulative fuckers on a regular basis, dodging untrue accusations and making sure he followed the rules perfectly so they wouldn't have anything to bitch about. It got to a point where he had to watch everything that came out of his mouth, less his words be twisted and used against him and he had to go get his assignments personally due to his teachers "forgetting" to hand him his worksheets like everyone else, or failing to make enough copies.

Not that Bloodthirsty didn't fight back. He was never the type to back down from an adult. He decided that if they wanted to ride their high horse, he'd cut off the horses legs, if they wanted to hide out in their ivory tower, he'd smash it with a wrecking ball. He used his age and bad home life as an excuse for the pranks he got caught pulling and brought a recorder into the classroom to record the terrible things the teachers and deans said to him and the Fonts. He got a lot of people fired, as the principle could not ignore the evidence presented, no matter how much he wanted to, less it be introduced to a lawyer instead. He made their hateful lives hell until finally one bitch accused him of sexual harassment...even though he was seven. Bloodthirsty was so outraged, he ended up attacking her with a sharpened pencil and ultimately put her in the hospital which was enough to get him expelled.

The point was, Bloodthirsty knew a manipulative bastard when he saw one and right now he was staring at two.

"Is you gonna introduce da' baby to yo' friends?"

"Course I will! We's gonna be closer then family! We's like a superhero team!"

Bloodthirsty glared at the mustached baby. If he was gonna get out of there and find his siblings he needed to pick a side.

Lying little fucker's trying to use the other lying little fucker...he's filling everyone's heads with promises of freedom, but he doesn't give a damn about them.

.............

But Baby Papyrus sucks soooo hard...I hate the little bastard! Everyone does!

"*Sigh*"

But although Ransom is a good manipulator, Papyrus is supposed to be the KING. Also he and Blood Blocks are friends..probably. He might help me find the others and find a way to get everyone out of here, assuming Blood Blocks wants to save their siblings.

Ransom is a douchbag anyway...

"Dis be Kidnap Note, he good kidnapper and knows how to write good. Dis be Guilt Trip, she makes people feel real guilty and then they does stuff for her...or kills themselves. She Virus-"

"They all orange?"

"Yep. Cept' Thirsty cause' he too bad to be anywhere else and Guilt Trip makes em' stay."

"Whatever! She's too dumb to even know what's going on and you know I can surprise her and break her face right?"

"Shut it up, Thirsty!"

"Yeah Thirsty, you be ki-et!" said Papyrus smiling.

Bloodthirsty crossed his arms and turned away.

"Baby just kidding, you's my friend even dough you sucks. You bedder be nice to Thirsty Wansom or Imma weave you behind."

I'm his friend...?

"You can't weaves me! I's da' leader!"

"Not no more. I's stronger-"

"So?! I's leader material!"

"You can't judge a Skelly baby by their font dough, you said it!"

"He's right, you did say that Ransom," said Bloodthirsty smirking. It was good to be on the winning team for once.

"NO! I'S DA' LEADER!" yelled Ransom angrily.

"Nope. Baby can makes people do stuff too AND I gots basters, see?" Papyrus summoned his Gaster Blasters and the rest of the babies eyes sparkled with wonder.

"SO?! THOSE BE USEWESS! NOBODY DIE HERE!"

"But they float in the air. He can use them to get over the gate-"

"SHUT IT UP, THIRSTY!"

"You wants a wide Guilt Trip? I puts you over da' gate and you go home to yo' mommy and daddy."

"Bah, gahhh..." The baby bones put her hand in her mouth, unsure as to what Papyrus had just said.

"NOOO! GUILT TRIP'S MAH FRIEND!" yelled Ransom, stomping his little feet.

"She my new sissy, you said we be family..."

"YOU WEAVE HER AWONE OR I'S GONNA CRY!"

Papyrus smiled at nothing. "Well then I hopes you know how to beeth underwater, cause' I aspect you's gonna cry an ocean fore' I gives a damn-"

"SCU YOU PAPYRUS!"

The baby said nothing, he merely put his thumb in his mouth and continued to smile. He knew he had already won the respect of the other inmates and now the playpen was his. HE was the boss now...and Ransom couldn't do anything about it.

Too bad the baby bones didn't have Papyrus's experience. He was smart, but his reputation most likely got him killed as soon as he turned two. Ransom was no match for Papyrus as he was now, even if he WAS a prodigy.

Not that Papyrus planned on taking his eyes off the little rat. He was smiling, but on the inside he despised that particular baby bones. The fact that he'd lost the other babies respect so quickly meant that Ransom hadn't been practicing his font and there was no excuse for that even if he had just been put in the playpen. It didn't take long for a baby bones to grow big. They had to work hard during that time to practice their font and eat their nutrients so they'd become big, strong, and skilled...that's what GOOD babies did anyway.

That, was the baby bones way.

"You's a lazy baby bones, Wansom. You's lazy and bad and I's gonna weave you behind if you doesn't be good."

It was probably best to leave him behind anyway, but if Ransom knew people didn't die...wherever Papyrus was, then he may know other stuff too. Perhaps he could be useful to the infant?

Ransom's diaper made a scrunchy sound as he plopped down in the grass, his tantrum over. "Kay', I'll be a good baby. I's sorry, I just gotted jelly-ous cause' I don't gots no power here."

"Is okay," said Papyrus giving him a hug. "Baby didn't know you was chokein' on dat jelly. We gets out of here together!"

The two babies smiled at each other.

They still weren't friends.

Chapter Text

"hey bro, do you really think it was a good idea to let flowey handle this?"

"I SWEAR TO GOD ARVO, I WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS!"

"hey, tony soprano, didja hear me?"

Papyrus put his hand over the receiver. "Pardon Brother? GIVE ME BACK MY COMPUTER NOW, I DON'T CARE HOW!"

"i said, do you think letting buttercup handle this was a good idea?"

"I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE! No Sans, I don't..but we've no choice, I don't have my windings anymore."

Sans nodded in remembrance.

I forgot about that. Poor Pap, I wonder what happened? Why would his power just disappear like that?

....Wait.

"can a skeleton have two fonts bro?"

"I'm sorry Arvo, let me call you back...and god help you if I find the person you sold my computer to before you do."

Papyrus hung up and turned to his amused brother.

"Not that I know of, but I may very well be an exception to the rule. As much as I'd like to believe my love for you kept me from adoring Mummy more, virus's don't work that way. My second font may have changed from a Physical to a Virus type."

The taller skeleton sighed. He was more than a little worried about what his new font might be, but he couldn't check it with the FontSearch because...he didn't know for sure.

It could be because my Papyrus font is stronger and/or far more used.

Wingdings: The Multi-Tasking Font

"Ah, curious about Gaster are you? Nyeh heh heh..."

And more importantly, when the hell did you take that out of my pocket?!

Attribute: Normal

Type: Physical

Workaholics by nature, Wingdings has, over their course of evolution, developed nine extra hands in order to complete several tasks at once. Each hand is capable of independent movement and cannot be destroyed by physical means.

Once a task is started they will complete it no matter who or what is in their way. They are willing to do whatever it takes to complete what they've started and that has not only made them highly valued in the work force, but also responsible for several inventions and scientific breakthroughs despite them having the intellect of a Physical type.

This Font is responsible for giving birth to the phrase "hell is paved with good intentions" as their extreme drive has its good and bad points leading to controversy as to whether or not Wingdings should be sent to the Capture Facility. Some believe their obsession should be treated as a form of Obsession Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and that they should be excused for whatever crimes they feel they need to commit in order to achieve their non-illegal goals, but others feel that they should have their font changed in order to avoid possible global or continental disaster. Presently, a decision on whether or not Wingdings should be wanted by the Capture Facility, has yet to be made.

Extreme caution is advised.

"oh..."

"Are you okay?"

"uh, i..yeah."

So Dad's font made him to that to Papyrus? Bro wouldn't do what he wanted and it just..drove him nuts?

"Don't let that entry make a saint out of a sinner Sans, there were plenty of other ways he could have gotten me to fight. He was simply impatient."

"impatient?"

"He could have waited until you and I were older and explained the situation..maybe if he had, you would have wanted to help our species and in turn I would of trained willingly, but he chose to abandon you instead of working on trying to get your font back or treating you like a person."

And that's what made Pap hate his guts to begin with and made it easier for him to chose me over Gaster.

"Gaster was never a father, he was a liar and an impatient child who only cared about what HE wanted."

"right, thanks bro...hey how come you were born a papyrus font though? that's been buggin' me a lot-"

"I remember my infancy just as well as everyone else...which is almost not at all. I only have bits and pieces..."

"*sigh*"

"I'm sorry."

"it's alright pap, let's order a pizza or something and wait till flowey gets back."

"As you wish. There have actually been quite a few stores opening since the barrier's gone down."

Probably Fonts moving in knowing the humans aren't aware of the barrier being down...

Sans handed Papyrus back his old FontSearch and reached into his pocket for his own new one, only to find that it was missing.

"that little shit."

"Hm? Problem Brother?"

"baby-you stole my fontsearch."

"What? Why?"

"i don't know why! all i know is it's gone, my pockets are too deep for it to just drop out, and i was holding the brat last i had it."

"Perhaps you misplaced it?"

"i don't take the thing out of my pocket pap!"

Friggen' thief! I bet it's ruined too now that it's drenched in water...probably lying at the bottom of Hades' river somewhere...

"Oh dear, that IS a problem, was it the new one?"

"YES!"

The only FontSearch they had that wasn't old as dirt and didn't make them use directional buttons was now gone and knowing his baby brother, he'd probably never see it again.

I KNEW I should of gotten off my ass and reversed engineered that thing, now I don't know how to make a new one!

"If it's the new one then there's a chance that it's water proof and as for baby-me, I'm sure he used his wingdings to grab hold of a rock within the fall or something...otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"still..."

"Nyeh heh heh! Look at you all worried for the baby, maybe you ARE daddy material-"

"eat me."

"I'd rather have a pizza, though the offer IS tempting..."

Sans shuddered dramatically with a smile and got out his cell phone. It would cost minutes, but Papyrus had yet to get a new phone of his own after that one dog took it, instead choosing to rely on the old FontSearch to make calls...not that his brother would use it to help him out.

Not at the moment at least.

Sans had learned a LOT about his brother in the last three years. Papyrus had odd mood swings and went from being an intellectual gentleman, to being a mafia thug, to being a flirty creep, to being the Great Papyrus, to being a disturbing child that liked to call him "Big Brother," depending on certain things that were said to him regardless of the situation. It made Sans' head spin at first, but he had gradually gotten used to it.

All part of being a Papyrus Font I guess. Always switching personalities and roles...

Right now his brother was in Flirty Creep Mode, where he would tease everyone relentlessly and there was no way he'd give him a hand while in THIS state.

"I assume you have the pizza place on speed dial?"

"no i don't actually."

Smartass.

Why does everyone make fat jokes about me anyway? Is it because I used to go to Grillby's all the time?

"Golly! Are you really getting too lazy to be lazy? Bravo Brother!"

"shh! hello? yeah, i'd like a large works please for delivery-"

Chara ran from the kitchen and pulled on Sans' hoodie. "Hey Comedian."

"yeah a large works hand-tossed-"

"Comedian."

"thirty-six seconds? you mean minutes right?"

"Sans," Chara continued to yank on his hoodie.

"i'm on the phone kid."

"I want some hot wings."

"*sigh* can we get some hot wings with tha-what?"

"And some brownies."

"you only serve pizza? so let me get this straight...you only serve pizza and you deliver in less than thirty-six seconds? heh, yeah okay, who is this?"

"It may be a Font, Brother."

Though I shudder to think how that pizza is being made...it takes more than a few seconds to cook a pizza. Even if this person were a Dimensional Font, it would take awhile for them to make the kind of pizza people want unless...

Unless the pizza is formed from their ectoplasm.

Ugh god...

"A word, Sans?"

"really?! you too?!"

"Fine then, never mind. You enjoy your meal," said Papyrus walking out of the living room.

"huh? what? pap...!"

"Do they have Pepsi? I want a Pepsi..."

"uh, alright, got it. thirty-six g? that's...surprisingly low."

"Ask for a Pepsi."

I'm gonna kill this kid.

"do you serve dri-no? only pizza huh? well alright, it's not like we don't have drinks in the fridge."

"YOUR PLACE IS GARBAGE!"

"PAPYRUS? COME GET THEM PLEASE."

Chara glared at Sans and headed into the kitchen. "Asshole."

"what-HOW AM I AN ASSHOLE?! I'M PAYING FOR THE GOD DAMN MEAL!"

Fuck you kid!

I'll throw your ungrateful little ass out on the STREET!

"You poor child, come here..."

"DON'T FREAKING TAKE THEIR SIDE!"

"Your big brother's so mean to me Pappy!"

"OH THAT'S BULLSH-"

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!

"Oh good, the pizza's here!"  Chara ran out of the kitchen excitedly and headed for the front door.

Sorry about the brownies and hot wings Partner.

No big deal, at least we're eating something other than sweets...

I know right? Just the WORD "cinnabun" makes me want to throw up. Luckily a lot of Fonts are moving in and setting up shop here so we won't have to live off that crap anymore.

It's bullshit that Grillby won't serve us anything.

Yeah! I swear I DON'T know what his problem is, we didn't even DO anything! Why are there so many racists down here? The king ought to pass a law...

Every once in awhile Papyrus would bring them fries or a burger if he could convince Grillby that he was getting them for Sans, but he wouldn't serve him if he thought the Horror was giving them the food and he wouldn't serve Sans anymore period if there were other customers in the bar for fear of losing what little profit he was now making. Most of the monsters that were left no longer saw the comedian as their friend and simply preferred to tell Sans to go fuck himself, unhappy that the sentry who was supposed to keep them safe was housing the Angel of Death. Whenever Sans entered the bar, everyone else would walk out.

He had stopped going to Grillby's.

Do you want to go talk to your dad about this?

What?

The king.

The king's my DAD?!

Yeah.

THEN WHY THE HELL AM I LIVING IN THIS DUMP?! AND DOING CHORES?! I'M A PRINCE!

Frisk was about to say something, but they quickly decided against it. So many monsters hated them...if the king or queen welcomed them as a family member they'd rebel, no questions asked.

Do you have the money?

Sigh...yeah...

Opening the front door the child was surprised to find that no one was there although they had DEFINITELY heard knocking. There was only a pizza on the ground, alone, as if an angel had sent it from the sky...or perhaps was brought up by the Devil himself.

It WAS steaming after all.

How did it get here so fast? That could have literally been thirty-something seconds!

Don't touch it Frisk, this has Horror Font written allll over it...

"why are you just standing there kid-do..." Sans' voice went quiet as he trailed off, noticing no one was at the front door as well. "what the hell...? PAPYRUS! PAPYRUS IS THIS A TRAP? THIS FEELS LIKE A TRAP," yelled Sans looking down at the box warily.

I'm so sick of this Horror Font crap...but I can't literally just throw the kid out onto the street, even if they DO attract those freaks, the Frisk part of them is innocent..I think. Also Tori will have my skull if anything happens to them, she's counting on me...

Upon hearing his brother, Papyrus hurried out of the kitchen and stopped at the doorstep, narrowing his eyes at the lone pizza box on the ground.

"That IS suspicious. None of you touched this correct?"

Sans and Chara shook their heads.

They weren't stupid.

"Good. Let me check the radar real quick..."

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Ah, so the pizza IS part of the Font...either that or it's the entire Font themselves, but why leave before being paid?

"*Sigh* If I had my computer I could look up Fonts that had something to do with pizza, but I currently do not."

"Well I'm not touching this, if the radar's beeping that means it's probably a Horror Mimic Font or something waiting to bite my hand off."

"whoa bro wait...!"

"Relax Brother, I'm only seeing if I can scan the 'pizza' through the hole in the box," mumbled Papyrus bending down.

Hot Pizza: The Pizzeria Font

Attribute: Normal

Type: Ectoplasmatic

Once popular in the late 1880's, Hot Pizza is known for two things: their speed and the way they make their pizza. Their ectoplasm is strangely edible and soft even when separated from the Font and has baffled the scientific community for years as it should be acidic and deadly or hard as stone.

"Well that's certainly odd, truth be told I've never even HEARD of Ectoplasmatic Fonts. S-Sans?" Papyrus looked down to see his brother had vanished. The shorter skeleton had apparently left with the box as soon as he had heard the word "Normal." Pausing the entry, Papyrus shook his head and walked back to the kitchen to see his brother already at the table beginning to eat a slice of pizza. "*Sigh* You should really listen to the whole entry first Brother."

"nah, it's cool. normys eat magic right? i think i can spare some, besides i wasn't holding onto the box that long and i don't plan on eating it, heh."

"Are you sure?"

Sans paused mid-chew and shot Chara a glare, but said nothing.

"We don't know if the Font absorbs magic through the box or not yet, we can't just assume these things!" exclaimed Papyrus incredulously.

"you worry too much little bro. what kind of sicko would sell their body parts as food to their own kind? everyone knows we live here by now, you and i are famous in the underground-"

"Normals target their own kind too Sans! They target other Fonts as well as Monsters-"

"but i'm a normal like them right? normys keep the HORROR population under...control," said Sans looking at the half-eaten pizza in his hand, his mistake was slowly dawning on him.

Many believe this Font is actually a Dimensional type due to this fact and their ability to always deliver within thirty-six seconds which should only be possible for Dimensional Fonts, but because the pizza and box is made from Hot Pizza's ectoplasm this skeleton is legally seen as an Ectoplasmatic as the typing and ectoplasm itself is far from thoroughly studied.

The comedian's sockets went dark.

Oh god.

"Heh heh ha ha ha!"

They use this unique ability to acquire food by absorbing the magic from creatures who eat from them, though how they do so is still a mystery.

"I guess that pizza was meant for Papyrus and me. How's it feel to be a cannibal Comedian?" asked Chara grinning up a storm.

Oh god, oh god, oh god...!

"*URP!*"

"Don't you throw up on this floor, I just finished cleaning the kitchen!"

"Your brother's an idiot Papyrus."

"shu-shut up kid! *urp* ugh god..."

Hot Pizza is now a Font close to extinction due to a law being passed called Edible Ecto Ban (EEB) that bans the selling of edible Ectoplasmatic self-made products. Any viruses Hot Pizza and other Ectoplasmatic Fonts contract can be passed to their customers through their ectoplasm and cause serious illness and even death. If you or a friend think you have seen the selling of such a product contact your nearest Capture Facility IMMEDIATELY. Intentional consumption of these products is illegal and WILL result in a fine of up to 5,000 G if caught.

Extreme caution is advised.

"I'll get you some water Brother, just a moment."

"Too bad Flowey isn't here, he'd of loved this..."

The comedian said nothing as he struggled to concentrate on holding his horrible lunch.

I hate Fonts.

Normal Fonts, Horror Fonts, I hate them all.

Should of hopped BACK in time or into another dimension...somewhere Fonts don't exist.

"So are we just going to wait here for Flowey to come back or...?"

"No Human, I'm going to pay Arvo a little visit and get some supplies for our trip to the Old City. If things worked out, then-"

"what do you mean 'if things worked out?'" asked Sans, his tone taking a turn. He gulped down his water greedily once Papyrus handed it to him, eyeing his younger brother in suspicion.

"W-well I assumed supplies would be extremely expensive so-" Papyrus trailed off, pressing his forefingers together meekly.

"pap..."

"You've read her font! Arvo charges a friggen' GOLDMINE-"

"...you cheated arvo didn't you lil' bro?"

Papyrus looked taken aback, putting a gloved hand to his chest. "I beg your pardon?! That's a rather strong word you're tossing around there Brother, don't you think?"

He cheated her.

"papyrus..."

"And the speed of which you've accused me is downright offensive!"

"what..exactly did you do papyrus?" asked Sans putting down his cup and covering his face. He needed to have a serious talk with his brother AGAIN it seemed.

"I merely asked a friend of mine to purchase a computer from arvo...that's exactly like mine...after ordering it."

"so what you're telling me is, arvo stole your computer to complete an order YOU had someone else set up."

"Y-Yeah...?"

"And your friend ordered your computer and then bought it after you played the victim on the phone?"

"I AM the victim!"

"You're a genius."

"you're a scumbag."

"What?! I most certainly am not!"

"you are."

"Well I apologize, I didn't realize you WANTED to spend a million and three g on gas masks! If I make her feel guilty we can get them for free-"

"Don't bother trying to explain anything to the little ingrate Papyrus, we both know you did the right thing-"

"no he didn't!"

"Thank you Human, at least SOMEBODY appreciates my level of initiative..."

"yeah okay, you believe whateeeever you want to buddy, just don't expect me to bail you out of prison when you get caught."

"Me? Caught? Nyeh heh hee hee hee!"

Sans shook his head smiling, despite his worry. Even after three years he still wasn't quite used to his brother's evil giggles and manipulative schemes. They were helping support everyone money-wise, but the novelty of the Great Papyrus being anything but sweet still hadn't quite disappeared.

Probably because the Great Papyrus is still a thing and getting more frequent as more new people move in...

"GREETINGS TRAVELER!"

"Uh, hi," said a lone skeleton looking around the snowy landscape. "My name's Corbel-"

"WELCOME TO THE UNDERGROUND! DO YOU LIKE PUZZLES?"

"S-sure-"

"what's going on bro?"

"WHAT ABOUT MAZES? ARE YOU A FAN OF MAZES? Don't move Sans."

"I..guess...?"

Papyrus clapped his hands together. "WONDERFUL! WHAT ABOUT ELECTRICITY?"

"Yea-wait what?"

"papyrus..."

"THEN YOU'RE IN LUCK MY NEW FOUND FRIEND, FOR THIS IS THE INVISIBLE ELECTRICITY MAZE!"

"*Pfft!* What? Is this for real?"

"yeah, what he said."

"OF COURSE IT'S REAL!"

"dude...!"

"Yeah okay, sure it i-"

ZAAAP!

"NYEH HEH HA HA HA!"

"....."

"....."

"....."

"....OH DEAR."

After that little "incident" and many others, Fonts kept their distance from Snowdin, not wanting to be anywhere near the crazy skeleton in the superhero costume.

I need to do something about this.

"so did you just give up on the idea of having lots of friends, or are you still trying to protect me?"

"What? Where did this come from all of a sudden? Did you space out again?"

"huh?"

"Chara asked if you wanted to play a game while I was out and you completely-"

"oh crap! sorry kiddo, what game did you want to play?"

"I got all my fingers, the knife goes chop, chop, chop-"

"....."

Sans teleported out of the room.

"...Well that was rather rude-"

"Your brother's a pussy, Papyrus."

Chapter Text

WHISH, WHISH, WHISH!

"Why we go dis way?"

"We needs to gets Blocks and da' stink baby," said Baby Papyrus crawling across the wheat field. Now where would Blood Blocks and Bad Seed be?

WHISH WHISH!

"Dis a waste of time, we's gonna get caught and stuff!"

"Shut it up Ransom," said Bloodthirsty grinning, he was rewarded with a glare from the tiny jerk. The Horror was happy to be out of the pen, but despite his smile, Bloodthirsty was worried quite a bit. His head was buzzing with questions that just wouldn't leave his mind; the conversation Ransom and Papyrus had had definitely put him on edge.

If no one dies here like Ransom said, then why put me with Guilt Trip? Did Nature-Bitch just HOPE I'd back off if she told me what this baby's font was? Did she just HOPE I wouldn't notice that the little brat had the brain of a frog?

Even IF Ransom was telling the truth, Fonts are no joke! They could cause some serious damage and the Dimensional Fonts...how would that goddess stop them from just..leaving?

The unanswered questions were driving him insane, but he knew he probably wouldn't get anything out of the liars and the toddlers were just as useless as they had couldn't use their fonts on other skeletons...except for Supernatural Thing.

He'd probably kill us though if he summons anything and it turns out Ransom was lying. No point in knowing something seconds before getting our asses blown up or something.

Still...

The rat bastard said he had no power here...did he mean against the gods and goddesses or can no one use their font here whatsoever?

The Horror shook his head. There was no point in trying to figure things out, they just needed to get back up to the surface.

Whether that goddess doesn't give a damn about her job or the little shit is lying, it doesn't matter. We just gotta get out of here as fast as we can.

"Going off?"

The group turned their heads to see Persephone watching them with her arms crossed.

"I's tryin' to visits my friends, but I doesn't know where they be!" said Baby Papyrus. Why was the yellow grass so tall anyway? Did the pretty lady not have a lawn mower either?

"Child of Yellow, does he speak true?" Persephone looked to Bloodthirsty. Apparently he was the most trustworthy person in the group in her eyes.

"Why the hell else would we be wandering around this shit-hole? Good job keeping an eye out by the way. You know we could've been gone by now right? The fuck were you?!"

"I was busy trying to sort out the mess THIS little imp had caused-"

"I's not an imp, I's a baby!"

"You're a pest and you've caused us quite a bit of trouble-"

"I didn't do nothin'! I's being a good baby and getting some justice!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, but you ARE responsible for the death of a very important Font."

"Dis a murder baby?!" Ransom looked at Papyrus, his eyes wide.

"NO, SHE LYINNNN'!"

"YOU'RE lying and I think you should go back to your pen."

"I thinks you should make da' baby..."

"I think I'm going to begin counting."

"I thinks you lack da' ability."

"Ooooooh!" The babies made a "you're in trouble now" sound as the Goddess of Spring narrowed her eyes at the mouthy baby bones. They reminded Bloodthirsty of monkeys in a jungle.

"You WILL obey me child! I am the queen of this place and I demand your respect!"

"I's da' boss!"

"Nooo I'M the boss."

"I's da' boss!"

"I am the boss!"

"BABY'S da' boss! Nyeh heh heh!"

Persephone squeezed her eyes tight and counted to ten in her head. She HATED Horrors...especially Papyrus fonts.

"Imma go find my friends now, bye-bye pretty lady!"

Out of all the Fonts she knew, Papyrus was the most annoying when a baby bones. They knew they were Horror babies so they tended to act out what they believed the stereotype to be. They wouldn't just lie on purpose, they'd scare people and break things...

"Hey uh, I don't suppose you know where Blood Blocks and everyone else is do you?"

"She don't know nothin' cause' she dumb. Dat's why BABY'S da' boss."

They'd steal anything they wanted and had no problems with killing because that's what Horror babies were supposed to do...

Wretched little snakes.

Maybe Hades had the right idea...

"She sweeping? How she sweep like dat?"

The Papyrus fonts did whatever they wanted to and if anyone tried to stop them, they'd make Tartarus preferable to their own lives. Every day Persephone had to deal with at least ONE of the little demons on top of all the other Font babies and children. Every day...every day for six MONTHS she'd watch them to make sure they didn't hurt any of the other inhabitants, replace the toys they broke on a regular basis, kept them from annoying her husband, gave them milk even though no one needed to eat or drink in Elysium...

"Do you thinks I should try dwinking her boobies?"

Persephone opened her eyes and smiled. "Is that why you're acting up? Do you need some milk little one?"

"I do's! All babies need da' milk or we no get bigger-er! I needs it good..."

"Well you're in luck then, I have the most nutritious milk in existence you know...it's actually my job to make things grow big like that tree right...there!" The goddess pointed to the large tree in the middle of the field.

Bloodthirsty glared at Persephone.

"*GASP* Will you share wit da' baby...?"

"Of course I will! It's my job to look after all the cute babies around here..."

Papyrus cheered excitedly. Finally! Finally the baby would get his nutritious milk!

"What's the catch? Hey, hey where are you going?!"

The goddess had picked up the little baby bones was now heading off somewhere.

"BITCH I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

Persephone turned her head slightly. "I'm not going to breastfeed in front of you, kindly return to your pen Child of Yellow."

I can't avoid having to look after this little cretin, but I CAN spare whoever his parents are of raising him. If he dies here, his mother and father will be free, the whole WORLD will be a better place!

Bloodthirsty was about to say something when he noticed Papyrus giving him a thumbs up and a smile before tilting his head up to look at Persephone.

"Drop me at your own peril," warned the baby sticking his thumb in his mouth. He kept his smile even as the goddess headed out of Elysium and towards the Pits of Tartarus.

Nonsense.

I'm doing the right thing.

When Persephone attempted to drop Papyrus into the fiery pit she heard the baby giggling behind her and was surprised to find that not only was the little Horror sitting on the stony floor, but instead of the baby, she was holding a round black bomb.

Huh?! What is this?!

The bomb in her arms was cartoony and had a long fuse that had somehow been lit, but despite its childish appearance it still bothered her IMMENSELY. It felt like she was forgetting something important.

"Bye-bye pretty lady!"

The last thing to flash through her mind was a part of Papyrus's entry, a part she knew very well and a question she would never have answered.

" This Font has a habit of casting illusions to fool others and lying about things regardless of the situation or what the consequences are for others."

If the illusion was that he was in my arms, it's clearly dissipated now...so why is the bomb still here?!

BOOOM!

The bomb Papyrus had drawn with his wingding's exploded and took half of Persephone with it. Her bottom half fell down, down, down into the Pits of Tartarus while her top half painted the rocky walls a deep crimson.

Guess she wasn't so nice after all...oh well. The baby would just have to find his milk elsewhere.

Papyrus smiled and waddled over to the goddesses remains, stuffing a piece of her into his onesie. She didn't have any milk for him anymore, but surely someone who made things grow big had lots of magic in them! Sans would like a souvenir from such an interesting place, especially if it was food.

What a thoughtful baby Papyrus was!

Now he could look for some milk while Bloodthirsty looked for his friend...

BOOOM!

The deafening explosion resounded throughout Hades, startling the Ferryman and his two ride-alongs. He looked up at the ceiling worriedly as some loose rocks began to fall from above.

"...."

"...."

"....Did no one else hear that?"

"Not a soul," said Flowey sarcastically.

"Was that a pun?"

"Do I look like Smiley to you?"

Undyne ignored her teammate and looked to the Ferryman. "Hey dude, we should probably get to shore soon before a rock crashes down on us and sinks the boat or something."

"Oh I'm sure he would if he could Fish Breath, but our wonderful tour guide here APPARENTLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT LAND LOOKS LIKE!"

The Ferryman didn't respond.

"You uh..you don't talk much do you?" asked Undyne. She carelessly let her fingers dangle over the edge of the boat before pulling them back sharply, remembering how dangerous the waters were in Hades...for the fifth time.

"...."

"I told you already, the Ferryman doesn't speak," said Flowey annoyed. They had been floating through the river for a while now...a LONG while. In fact, if he didn't know any better he'd say the Ferryman were rowing them in circles on purpose!

What's the hold up? We've passed so many docks already! Is he looking for something...?

"He has to speak SOMETIMES, how is he supposed to tell people how much the fare is?! He charges right?"

"Yeah, but we don't have the currency he wants-"

"Then why'd we get on?!"

"YOU JUMPED on-"

"Hey Ferry-Guy, how do we pay you back? What currency do you use?" asked Undyne attempting to pull on the Ferryman's cloak, her hand passed right through it almost causing her to face plant onto the bottom of the boat and tip it over.

"UGH! CAN YOU SIT STILL FOR FIVE MINUTES?!" Flowey hung on to the ferry as it swayed violently to the side. "I SWEAR YOU HAVE THE WORST CASE OF ADHD EVER!"

He wished the Ferryman DID speak, if he did he could threaten to throw the obnoxious captain overboard...or tell them what he was looking for at least!

It's been freaking HOURS! I know it can't take THIS LONG to get SOMEWHERE! He can't possibly be looking for those brats can he? He took them here to begin with!

"Hee hee hee hee!"

"Ugh! There it is again!!" said Undyne turning her head. "Did ya' hear it this time? I KNOW that mist-bitch is in here somewhere-"

"We're not AFTER the memory goddess! We want the brats, remember? The BRATS Fish Breath-"

"There she is!" Undyne saw the mist again for the fortieth time and for the fortieth time she summoned a barrage of spears to skewer the goddess she THOUGHT was hiding within it. "EAT THIS! YAAAAHHH!"

VOOSH!

VOOSH!

VOOSH!

"...."

"Hee hee hee!"

"DAMNIT!"

"Oh golly would you look at that? You missed again," said Flowey rolling his eyes. "What a surprise."

"I'll get her next time!"

"NO you won't. I TOLD you, Lethe is WATER. H20 you idiot and even if she wasn't, how are you gonna kill something made of mist? Did you accidentally dip your ugly fingers into her river?"

She probably did..stupid fish.

"Shut up! I just have to keep trying that's all!"

"You did didn't you? You know her river makes you forgetful and crazy right?"

"My fingers aren't even wet and you give up too easily-"

"You lose focus too easily! I'm a kid and you don't see me running around like I just downed a whole barrel of Kool-Aid!" Flowey had been all for their little adventure a while ago, but that was two hours in the past when he DIDN'T know what it was like to be stranded in a tiny space with Undyne.

How does Papyrus STAND her?!

She's so annoying and loud and-

"I'm not running around!"

"You know what I mean! SETTLE DOWN."

"I'm perfectly calm! This is how I always am! I'm ALWAYS calm!"

Flowey covered his face with his leaves.

"I can do whatever I want anyway! I'm a grown woman and you are soooo not my mother-"

"Oh hey, look! There's Pappy!" cried Flowey smiling and pointing a leaf straight ahead.

"What? I don't see anyone, where is-HEY!"

SPLASH!

Flowey tossed Undyne into the water with a vine.

"HE'S BACK THE WAY YOU CAME BITCH! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"*COUGH COUGH* YOU PIECE OF CRAP! GET BACK HERE!!"

The Ferryman looked at Flowey.

"Keep rowing."

"...."

"WHAT?! WE'VE BOTH BEEN DEALING WITH HER FOR TWO HOURS! YOU SERIOUSLY WANT HER BACK ON HERE?!"

"...."

"Whatever, I don't need your judgment. What I DO need is for you to hurry u-WHOA!"

Quick as a flash Undyne swam towards the boat and knocked it over, sending Flowey and the Ferryman into the river Styx.

SPLASH!

"YOU STINKIN' PUNK!"

"GET OFF ME MER-SKANK!"

SPLASH!

SPLASH!

SPLASH!

The two angrily wrestled in the water as the boat continued downstream.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

"MY PROBLEM?! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! IF YOU'RE AN ADULT, FREAKING ACT LIKE ONE!!"

"...."

The Ferryman got out of the river and continued on foot, leaving the fighting nuisances behind.

"I'M TELLING PAPYRUS!"

"THIS WAS YOUR FAULT FIRST WEED!"

"I'M TELLING HIM EVERYTHING!"

If he was lucky, maybe he'd find the baby wherever the explosion came from. At least that's what he was hoping for anyway.

Unfortunately, he was unaware that he was being followed by a very amused monster who had been watching from a nearby web.

"Ahuhuhuhuhu~"

Chapter Text

       "Well well, aren't YOU in a bit of a predicament..."

       The Ferryman's head shot up and he looked around him as light, silvery laughter echoed throughout the cavern.

       "It must be so hard to be a Ferryman...you never quite know who you'll run into...or what."

       The area was completely dark, save for the lantern he carried. Luckily, it was sealed shut, protecting the blue flame within from the murky river. Holding it up he backed away in surprise upon seeing a grinning spider hovering just inches in front of him.

       "!!!!"

       "My name is Muffet, charmed I'm sure." She winked at him and sat down on a thin string of her web, crossing her legs with a smile.  

       "....."

       "Not a chatty person I assume? No matter, men are better seen and not heard anyway..."

       Turning to leave, the Ferryman was surprised to see a web blocking his way forward.

       He didn't have time for this.

       "Leaving already? But we've only just met! You should stay awhile ahuhuhuhu~"

       He lifted his lantern, resolving to burn the web down, but it was quickly snatched away by a thread that had suddenly shot out from the darkness and coiled around the handle, yanking it from his grip.

       "I believe I asked you to stay dearie," said Muffet balancing the lantern on one of her fingertips. "I'm in a bit of a bind you see-"

       "Hellwoe? Who dat be?"

       Both Muffet and the Ferryman turned their heads in surprise upon hearing a very familiar voice calling out from the other side of the web.

       What was that?

          "Hellwoooe?"

         Again, the voice called out to her, pleading for an answer. She didn't know why, but the sound was attacking her heart; bring forth feelings she'd no idea she'd forgotten.

       Protectiveness,

       Love,

       "I know somebody be over here! Why you no answer da' baby?"

       Dread,

       Panic,

       "Is lonely and scary in dis cave...I's all by myselves and gots no one to take care of me...isn't dat sad?"

       Guilt.

       "Don't you feel bad for me?"  

       Shuffling could be heard beyond the web, as the infant crawled around, probably trying to see past the thick threads.

       I know I've heard this voice somewhere...why can't I remember?

         Muffet wracked her brain for the lost memories she once held so dear, but nothing came to mind.

       Not that it mattered.

       Muffet had a guest to attended to at the moment, and it wouldn't do for her to be rude to a potential partner after all.

          "Seems we've another guest, but no matter. You and I have business to discuss-"

       "Muder?! Is dat you Muder?! I hears mah mommy over there!"

       "*GASP!*"

         All at once the memories came flying back.

       The time she'd spent looking after a little skeleton baby, giving him sweets and hugs, teaching him how to behave properly...it all came back to her in perfect clarity, making her wonder how she'd ever forgotten to begin with.

       Papyrus! My little sweetling...

         But no, that's impossible...

         Papyrus had already grown up!

        It can't be him...right?

         Muffet hurried over to the web and smiled happily upon seeing Baby Papyrus beaming at her from the other side.

       "Oh my goodness! It really is you!"

        My little precious...!

         Tearing the threads, she gathered Papyrus into two of her six arms and snuggled the little bundle of bones lovingly. Her motherly affection may have died for the adult version, but she had missed her little one...

       "Nyeh heh ha ha! You gush on da' baby!"

       "Oh I missed you so very very much! However did you get so young again I wonder?"

       The last time Muffet had seen Papyrus, he was much taller than herself. He had been kind enough to warn her about an "expert spider-killer" and after a long while of begging and pleading, she finally elected to grant him pity and stay out of sight. She remembered him saying that he wanted her to be safe...that he still cared about her, even though she no longer had any interest in him now that he was an adult.

       Pitiful.

       "I doesn't know what you's talkin' bout'. You confuse da' baby..."

       "You don't know...? How very strange! You wouldn't lie to Mommy now, would you?" Muffet tickled the baby bones playfully as the Ferryman stood in place watching the two.

       "Nyeh heh ha ha!" Papyrus laughed happily, kicking his legs. He had missed her as much as he had missed him. Muffet used to watch over Papyrus a long time ago and was a big part of the baby's life, but when he switched to living with Sans in the big house instead of the Lab, she seemed to have disappeared into thin air! He searched and searched but poor Pappy couldn't find her anywhere in the Underground...

       "Where did you go Muder? I couldn't find you nowheres!"

       "Ahuhuhu~ I've been down here dearie-"

       "You falled down the waterfall?"

       "Don't interrupt me."

       "Oh! Oops!" Papyrus covered his mouth with his hands.

       "Good boy..."

       "...."

       "I crawled into a secret place and hid before the human came, then I came down here to make a new home for myself. I've missed you something awful my little terror~"

       "I miss-ed you too Muder! I looked and looked but da' baby couldn't find you...I's real sad."

       Muffet pet his head affectionately and turned to the Ferryman. "Well you won't have to fret any longer sweetling, because Mommy's here now and she's going to protect you all over again...and bring back everyone in the Underground as well..." She smiled in the Ferryman's direction and he felt a chill run up his spine. She looked so sweet, but her voice hid an ominous malevolence that even the most oblivious person could spot.

       This was not a nice person.

       "Ahuhuhuh! Why so afraid dearie? All I ask is that you lend me an extra hand, I only have six after all!"

        The Ferryman took a step back.

       "Oh no, don't run away! Don't you want to help a pretty damsel in distress..?"

       "...."

        Hmm..perhaps this person is a bit TOO quiet...         

       "Muder?"

       "A moment sweetling, Mommy has business to discuss..I could really use a ferryman right now~ Be a dear and bring all the monsters who've died to the surface won't you?"

        If I bring everyone back, they'll owe me quite a bit!

         Life IS priceless after all...

       "He not gonna help, he try to drown da' baby!"

       Muffet's smile faded. "Really?"

       "Yep. He throwed the baby into da' water and I falls down the waterfall!"

       "....I see. Well I'm afraid that behavior is unacceptable."

       The Ferryman took another step back.

       "We can't have people throwing babies into rivers! Think of the pollution it'd cause!" giggled Muffet, putting a hand to her mouth.

       "He needs to be taught the manners!" exclaimed Papyrus accusingly.

       "I agree..and I know just who can help, ahuhuhuhu~" Muffet snapped her fingers.

        GRRROOOO!

         A large shadow encompassed the Ferryman and squinting his eyes, he saw a gigantic cupcake-like spider rise behind Muffet, towering over them all.

       GRRROOOOOOO!

        "Make Mommy proud~"

        GRRRROOOOO!

       "!!!!!"

        SPLASH!

         With a swipe of its leg, Muffet's pet sent the Ferryman flying into the river where he disappeared beneath the vast array of souls.

       "Yaaay! Take dat doody-dress!" cheered Papyrus happily pumping his fist in the air.

       Justice was his!

       "*Sigh* Such a shame, he could have been so useful..."

       The baby bones gave her a peck on the cheek. "Don't worry Muder, we can do's it ourselves! We makes a net with yo' web and do the fishing-"

        GRRO..?!

         Suddenly Muffet and the baby heard the cupcake spider cry out in surprised confusion. Turning around they saw that the giant creature was quickly beginning to shrink much to its dismay.

       "MY BABY!"

        GRRROOOO!

       Further and further it shrank until a figure Muffet knew very well was able to be seen behind it, they eventually became so small it fit in their hand and she watched in horror as it ceased movement, becoming what looked like a shiny brooch.  

       "Hello Papyrus," said Lolita pinning her new cupcake brooch onto her dress. "However did you get all the way down here?"

       "RETURN MY PET AT ONCE!"

        "I falled."

       "Oh no! Poor babyyy!"

       "I know you heard me dearie..."

       No Fear poked his head out from a crevice in the rock. "Did you get it?"

       "YOU planned this?!"

        How dare he...

          "C'mon babe-"

       "DON'T call me that."

       "Your pet's safer with Lolita! Remember when the giant dog-"

       "I don't remember asking for your assistance, in fact, I'm fairly sure I didn't. Do YOU remember me asking anyone to turn my darling into an ugly accessory?"

       "UGLY?!"

       "No, I don't remember dat at all..."

       "YOU WOULDN'T KNOW UGLY IF YOU SAW YOUR REFLECTION!" exclaimed Lolita, outraged with the monster's rudeness. It was true Muffet had granted her and No Fear refuge, but she didn't have to be so mean to them! They were only trying to help!

       "Take it easy baby doll, remember Muffet's helping us avoid Hades-"

       "I DON'T CARE! SHE CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!"

       "What? But dearie I was talking to the baby..."

       "Calm down sis!"

       "YOU CALM DOWN!!"

       "We's gonna make dat net now?"

       "You know you really shouldn't yell like that around here, you never know who might be listening~"

       "Muder, da' net-"

       "SO?! WE DON'T NEED YOU! YOU CAN'T JUST BOSS US AROUND ALL YOU WANT JUST CAUSE' YOU GAVE US A PLACE TO HIDE!"

       Baby Papyrus took himself out of Muffet's arms using his wingdings.

       "It's my web, so I make the rules. You've a lot of nerve calling ME bossy, thief."

       "I'M NOT A THIEF!"

       "Then give me my pet."

       "Hey, where you going, kiddo?"

       "NO, IT'S MINE!"

       "I's going home. I's bored and it be loud in here," said Baby Papyrus crawling towards the waterfall. It shouldn't be TOO hard to climb up there as long as he had his nine hands. If he got tired, he could just draw a block and rest!

       "How're ya' gonna get up there though? Muffet won't let us use her web..."

       "Don't worry, baby got dem skillz!"

       "Oh yeah?" No Fear laughed as he continued to follow Papyrus, his hands in his pockets.

       Kid's cute.

       "Yep! I goes up and get Snas to help you!"

       "Heh heh heh, well aren't you nice?"

       "Yeah, I's a nice bae-"

       "What's the catch?" asked No Fear still smiling.

       "Nyeh?"

       "I know you're not helping us for free, soooo I'm guessing you want us to find everyone ourselves while you're gone?"

       "Well dat WOULD be awful gen-er-ous of you...babies shouldn't be in such dangerous paces ya' know?"

        Thought so.

          "You're right, I'll go find everyone for you and if Hades shows up I'll tell em' you sent me-"

       "Don't do dat."

       "Heh heh heh, what? Why not?"

       The baby didn't respond, he simply began to climb the waterfall as best he could. It was really too bad that he couldn't summon an umbrella, Papyrus could've REALLY used one at the moment. The crashing water was almost enough to knock him down!

       "CAREFUL PAP!" called No Fear from below. He hadn't thought about the strength of the waterfall either. "SHOULD I GET MUFFET TO HELP YOU?"

       "I CAN DO'S IT-NYEH! BY..MYSELVES!" yelled Papyrus, trying to keep the water out of his eye sockets. He really should have just drawn a bunch of blocks away from the water and made a staircase or something.

       "Grrrr..."

         "Nyeh?" Papyrus stopped climbing and looked around in confusion. "Hellwoe?"

       "GRRRRR!"

        "HEY PAPYRUS, YOU MIGHT WANNA MOVE LIL' DUDE!"

          "NYEH!"

         CLACK!

       The baby bones cried out as Cerberus pounced on the waterfall in an attempt to get to him. The giant dog's claws scrapped the rocky wall beneath the rushing water just inches from the tiny skeleton's feet, then backing up, it prepared to leap again.

       "LEAVE BABY ALONE DOODY DOG! I'S CLIMBING OVER HERE!" shouted Papyrus kicking his leg.

       "GRRUFF! GRUFF GRUFF!"

       The dog paid no attention to the order and hit the wall again and again, refusing to give up.

       CLACK!

         CLACK!

         CLACK!

         "HEY MUFFET, PAPYRUS NEEDS HELP. CERBERUS IS BEING ANNOYING AGAIN." yelled No Fear watching the dog with his hands still in his pockets.

       Huh, I could've sworn the mutt was sleeping. Guess I was wrong.

       Poor little guy, if my font wasn't so worthless I'd be able to do something, but I don't have any special abilities.

          "NYEH-HAAA! SOMEBODY SAVE DA' BABY!"

       No Fear picked up a nearby rock and threw it at one of the dog's heads, but unfortunately he couldn't throw that high and it wound up bouncing off the beast's shoulder as if it were a plastic bottle.

       Oh well, I tried.

         "GRRRRUFF! GRUFF GRUFF GRUFF! GRU-" Cerberus's barking was cut short as an array of strong threads wrapped around its snout, forcing the dog's mouth closed...one of them anyway.

       "GRAH GRNN!" The other two heads worked to free the third from its sticky muzzle, tearing at the strings with their teeth and snarling angrily.

       "YAAAY! TANK YOU MUDER!"

       "PAPYRUS GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!" yelled Muffet stomping her foot.

       "I GOTS TO GO GET SNAS!"

       "NO YOU DO NOT!"

        "Well I's still doin' it..."

       "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

       "I SAYS I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER DA' WATERFALL!"

       "PAPYRUS!!"

       Muffet quickly wrapped Cerberus's legs up with thread and hurried to climb the waterfall herself, but the baby was already gone... and from a distance, she could have sworn she heard Papyrus laughing.

       "OH, YOU NAUGHTY BABY!"