Chapter Text
A Prologue
- I know that in Spiderman Homecoming, Morita has a grandson with the same last name, but I had already written a lot about his two daughters before the movie came out so I elected to ignore (or let's say amend) that, and the principal in homecoming can be Mrs. Morita who has two moms.
- Since Bucky is never referred to by name, he is either called J or Bear.
- Jewish Bucky is a thing; he carries a Torah.
- As explained, Morita passed away in '86; Dernier in '82; Falsworth in '79. Tim's note to the boys lists them backwards the way they passed away. At the time of publication, only he and Gabe Jones were still alive.
An Introduction
- All birthdays and any other dates I could confirm are from the MCU wiki page. I did some more research for later chapters but couldn't find solid dates, so some dates may or may not have been made up.
- Each of the Commandos has a child named after Steve or Bucky. Morita's eldest daughter is named Stephanie, Gabe and Peggy's son is named Steven, Dugan's son is named James, Dernier's son is named Barney, and Falsworth never had children of his own but adopted two young boys, one of whom was coincidentally named Jim.
- Mary is Scottish.
- "What happened happened" is a line from Lost because I love Lost???
- I modeled Dugan's writing after Hemingway and after brothers, he was often compared to Hem. I have it in my mind that the two of them met once, though briefly, and got too drunk to remember the encounter.
One
- I skipped ahead to 1944 because I rewatched Band of Brothers and wanted to write about Normandy. Although in the comics, Steve mentions being on Omaha beach, I wanted there to be some separation between the Commandos and the Allied army so I had them all uninvolved. They would meet up with the 101st again at the end of summer.
- Captain Philips is not mentioned a lot with regards to communication, which is explained in later chapters. He was more directly involved in the military operations while Peggy handled communication.
- Anita Bryant sucks.
- The brief story of J's brother bringing in strays come from my boyfriend's grandfather who lived through the depression and brought in at least one stray cat a week despite not having enough to eat, himself. He used to hide them under his bed and his father just didn't know what to do with him.
- I decided that since they were easily the most liberal and diverse unit out there, they should be even more diverse, hence making Monty gay. The Commandos continued involvement with the LGBTQ community made them the subject of a lot of criticism but they genuinely did not care and left a legacy that Steve and Bucky would be proud of. I thought it was important that the whole group be surrounded by people from different cultures to emphasize the impact they had on American culture. In this universe, Captain America's impact went beyond just patriotism—although some conservatives tried to make him a poster boy for their ideals, the Commandos (as well as Peggy, Howard, and their families) argued relentlessly against them being used in a way that would reflect poorly on how they actually lived their lives.
- In 1944, all of France was occupied by the Nazis. The invasion of Normandy took place on June 6th, 1944. Stark had contacts in France who were still able to help fly a regiment out, which was how the Commandos more or less smuggled soldiers back to England. They then were flown by Stark himself back to a base in France for a party.
Two
- There is little in the canon about 1943; most of the information comes from '44 so I filled in some gaps.
- The hydra salute is truly stupid.
- Stark instructed the boys to mix mercury and aluminum on a controlled release which reacted with the gun metal.
- Typewriters existed so Philips and Peggy forcing the boys to hand write all the letters was purely for their amusement. The drills were also largely unnecessary but very funny.
- More on Peggy Carter later.
- Dugan actually wrote several children's books as well, under an alias.
- I've been watching Peaky Blinders—there are a lot of Roma in England, maybe they ran into a Shelby or two.
- More on their yearly traditions later, as well.
- And yes, Steve almost dropped a kid on her head, oops. She still remembers it to this day.
- The end quote is from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus.
Three
- Majority of the mission information I have used comes from Steve's wiki page on the MCU wiki. I filled in the gaps since TFA skips from sometime in the spring of '43 to winter of '45 and there isn't that much detail in the wiki or comic, First Vengeance, which more or less reiterates the events of the movie and a couple battles afterwards. I wanted to fill in those huge gaps between the Commandos forming, Bucky dying, and Steve crashing the plane.
- Sam Sawyer, Percy Pinkerton and Jonathan Juniper are future Commandos seen in Agent Carter.
- Maastricht is a beautiful town in the Netherlands where my boyfriend's grandma grew up. Her family did actually move in with relatives after their home was bombed by the Nazis.
- Yancy is a very Dutch name.
- I wanted to establish early on that Hydra was doing things and making weapons that no one understood. Mary had seen the effects before and was able to diagnose and treat the wounds but even Howard didn't fully understand and wouldn't until he developed his own super-serum. More on that later.
- Dugan's nickname is Button—more on nicknames later.
- Mary Fraser is from Broch Tuarach aka Lallybroch, which is the fictional estate belonging to the Frasers in Outlander. This also ties in with the missing woman in 1948, who is, of course, Claire Fraser.
- At the standing stones at Craigh nd Dun, the spirit of Bucky spoke to Dugan truthfully—he was cold, someone had found him first, and considering he had lost his left arm... he was now all right. (This is terrible humor and I apologize.)
- "My dreams are a cruel joke" is a line from Vanilla Sky; please watch it if you want to ruin your life.
- Dugan contradicts himself a lot which is how I imagine someone retelling a story might do. He remembers most things like they happened yesterday but emotions get mixed up and he sometimes says he's one way and acts another; he also apologizes for his past behaviour or comments and then makes them again shortly after.
- "Love is a bridge" will come back to haunt us all later.
Four
- Jane Eyre is a strange and wonderful book, and one of my favourites.
- In the MCU, Bucky is the eldest of four children. It will be elaborated on in Part 2 of this series, but until then, there names are Ruth, Jakob, and Rebeckah.
- This chapter brings Dugan's narrative full circle to chapter one where he discusses the Normandy invasion. It is June of 1944.
- Yes, this is the plot of Inglourious Basterds. Yes, there will be a baseball bat later. Yes, Bucky is the Bear Jew. (And in 2012, Steve will watch the film with Tony and hurt himself laughing.)
- Steve was incredibly high profile at the time. He was a literal poster boy for the American army, so putting him on undercover missions would make no sense. The Commandos, however, were not featured in any posters or film depicting Captain America. This rewrites CA:TFA a little bit since the Commandos wouldn't have made an appearance in propaganda and recruitment films in order to protect their identities. They could be seen in the background when Steve was filmed with a whole battalion of soldiers, but Peggy always made sure that they were edited out as much as possible. This also ties in to something Dugan will discuss in a later chapter.
- Josephine Baker was an incredible woman who worked with the French Resistance and pinned secrets to her underwear. She was a spy and a performer and just beautiful all around.
- Nancy Wake is also very important.
- "the stuff that made it into the history books" is a nod to Not Easily Conquered, which you should read immediately if you haven't done so yet.
- The Big Events: History’s Heroes, Captain America and his Howling Commandos is very corny and written by very straight, very white, very old men who only used pictures of Steve looking heroic and holding the American flag.
- I know a guy named Alfredo—he is very Italian.
- The line, "We compromised— sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well, but we did it so that people could be free" is from CA:TWS. Steve says it. It is iconic.
- The death of Arthur McDuffie and the acquittal of the officers who killed him sparked the Miami riots, and Dugan also refers to Lawrence where Puerto Rican and Dominican residents rioted in response to ethnic profiling from police, mistreatment from white residents, and an attack on a Hispanic home.
- "the past is just something that’s over" is a line from A Single Man—please watch this film.
Five
- I think it is ironic and terrible for Bucky to have suffered fevers and then be put on ice so many times all because of Zola.
- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was written in 1865 and was one of Bucky's favourite books, as well as the Iliad, which he carried with him. More on the significance of books later.
- Morita is the company's medic, which always makes me laugh for some reason.
- Dugan was correct in thinking that whatever Zola did to Bucky had a lasting effect on him, but he never allowed himself to think about how far that went. If he had, he would have gone crazy wondering if Bucky survived the fall.
- Steve is a ballerina and a showboat.
- Dugan references Hiroshima when he talks about the great weapon they used on Japan.
- Boredom led to everyone using the shield as a frisbee at least a dozen times, and in the winter, sliding down hills on top of it.
- Dugan got carried away writing this one, but in the next will explain a few plot holes about Howard, the factory, and the planes.
- "Presumably he allowed Abe the dignity of his choice" foreshadows Peggy's words to Steve after Bucky falls from the train.
- Please take a shot every time I write the words "band of brothers."
- If you have ever seen Never Let Me Go, the inspiration for Bucky screaming comes from Andrew Garfield who plays Tommy, and the scene on the winding road. Carey Mulligan described it as harrowing.
- If you can't read Bucky's writing, it says: You tell Mama, or let her read this, I'm sure she will anyway: LOVE is a bridge. She asks me every time why I'm out here, why I didn't choose to come back home after Azzano, so Mama, let me tell you; love is a bridge. Love can take you anywhere, it can connect you to other people and other things you never even dreamed of, that's how amazing it is. But the thing is, the Krauts burned all those bridges and now the people can't get nowhere. So that's why I'm here, that's why I can't leave. Cause I got bridges to build.
Six
- That is, in fact, the opening of chater 31 in Jane Eyre.
- If I'm being honest, I never got into Agent Carter, but what I did enjoy of it was Peggy casually kicking ass and looking beautiful while doing it.
- This chapter is titled The Telegrams, but as Dugan usually does, it rambles off about a bunch of other things.
- I imagine that Steve talked a lot about Peggy on their march back to camp and Bucky was annoyed at him but the other guys were in awe of this woman who Steve described so that when they met her, officially after they saw her in the pub, they all knew not to step out of line.
- What Peggy had to do twice... while wearing heels is a nod to the quote about Ginger Rogers.
- Like Steve's mom, Dugan's was the breadwinner in the family.
- Shell-shock, war strain, war neurosis and combat exhaustion are all names for post-traumatic stress disorder. While I was doing my research on this I found out that in WW1, soldiers were called shell-shocked because they thought the sound of the shells in close proximity was making them sick. When other soldiers experienced the same stresses, doctors thought it was just the strain of being in war. 65% of soldiers returned to active duty so doctors didn't treat ptsd, they just gave the soldiers drugs or alcohol to help them sleep, until WW2 when soldiers were taught to knit or given comfort animals. Until the 60's-70's, actual treatment through therapy was rare.
- The Bear Act in this universe passed in 1951 and prevents Prisoners of War from returning to active duty (this includes all areas of the armed forces) for a minimum of 1 year; further delay may be necessary and depends entirely on the emotional, cognitive, and physical rehabilitation of the person.
- The baseball will come back to haunt us, I promise.
- Clarence Ware and Charles Plaudo are both Native American soldiers in the 101st Airborne division.
- Colonel Sink also served in the 101st.
- Stark being called Stink is a reference to Tony Stank from CA:CW
- General Giraud and General de Gaulle as well as SOE agent Roger Miller are all members of the French Resistance.
- Herbert Sobel is the guy everyone hated in Band of Brothers and, of course, real life.
- Strictly speaking, Peggy has no rank whatsoever in the American Army. She was part of the British Armed Forces and later an SSR Agent but doesn't outrank anyone who would have been at the strategy meeting or anyone in the army, it seems. I checked out the MCU wiki for her, which was unhelpful, and historicallyaccurate helped me out a bit but I would consider her more of a consultant until she became the Commandos actual go-to person, officially.
- Richard Winters is the best.
- I hope this chapter clears up some of the names that Dugan uses. The next chapter will tell us how Bucky got his nickname, Bear, but I wanted to save that part of the story.
- Holden, French, White and Anderson are all WW2 vets that I know! They are all grumpy old men and I love them.
- I always wondered why they wore different uniforms and it made some sense that they were an elite team, but less sense if they still followed army protocols. In this universe, the Commandos more or less do their own thing with Peggy leading them, they do super secret spy stuff and no one knows what they look like, and when they do meet up with other soldiers, they give all their new stuff away and blame wolves.
Seven
- I imagine the Commandos got their habit of using whatever they could find as a weapon from Peggy.
- Steve and Bucky as Achilles and Patroclus is my JAM.
- The quote about how Steve "used to joke that if you got killed, you should just walk it off" is an obvious reference to what he says in AOU.
- Dugan constantly calls Bucky and Steve partners, which many historians and gender studies professors tried to decipher over the years. Many people consider it affirmation that they were in a relationship, while others insist it is because they were partners on the battlefield.
- The Commandos were constantly needing new boots because they gave so many away.
- Johann Fennhoff is one of those creepy dudes from Agent Carter that I thought would be interesting to put into the story. It shows how, although the group killed a lot of Nazis, there were still some people that got away.
- This is where J gets the nickname Bear, because Germans started calling him the Bear Jew, recognizing that a member of the Commandos was Jewish and took particular pleasure in killing Nazis with a baseball bat. In reality, he only used the bat once, but it made a lasting impression. Dugan doesn't say, but the Nazis found out about the bat because the Commandos left the bodies in the woods. They heard and retold stories about Bucky until they were all terrified of him.
- And yes, that bit comes from Inglourious Basterds.
- One of Steve's nicknames was Snuggles.
Eight
- Steve filled three full notebooks over the course of the war. One is on display in the Met and has made its way to other museums around the States, one Peggy keeps under lock and key, and one was passed around between the guys. Tony eventually inherited that one from Howard, which is coincidentally the one where Steve drew the dancing monkey.
- The guys took all of the drawings of J out. Most were random like the sketches he did of other people and they did take them out to protect his identity; the sketchbook Peggy kept had all the inappropriate drawings.
- Manila John or John Basilone was a marine who fought in the Pacific. He received the Medal of Honor and died in battle in Iwo Jima. Like Steve, he also did war bonds tours across the US.
- The propaganda film in The First Avenger would not have happened in this universe. The film would be altered to show Steve with other soldiers, alone in battle rescuing the day and going over strategies with Peggy or Phillips. Because the Commandos as a unit was so secretive, if they were ever filmed, the footage could not be used in public.
- Like Dugan says, Peggy stored all of the pictures and videos but in the middle of the cold war, one of the SHIELD storage facilities was attacked and more or less exploded and virtually all images of Bucky were destroyed. The only pictures and videos there are of him in present time belong to his sister, Peggy, and there are a few images the guys had developed during the war and hung onto. in 2012, Steve collects them all.
- "Bear Fought For Me" shirts became very popular around the time the second Pride march in New York was being organized. Howard wore one to the march in '74 that he and Dugan went to and the phrase skyrocketed in popularity.
- I'm still not over the fact that Bucky canonically killed JFK.
- Dugan talks about the crisis that is being ignored by the government, referring of course to the AIDS crisis that had begun in 81. By 86 when Dugan is writing this, the New York Times reported 4914 deaths in the six years since the epidemic began in New York alone. In 1986 alone, there were 2790 new cases reported.
- Dugan's granddaughter, Elise, is a lesbian living in San Francisco at the time.
- Ruth Coker Burks was an activist who cared for over a thousand people suffering from AIDS who did not receive support from their families. She buried more than 40 people in her family cemetery.
- After the publication of Brothers, there was a wild hunt for all the books left by J in Europe but, being that it is a very large place, and that it was nearly 40 years before the book was published, the search yielded little results. A few people came forward with books they had found but no one could confirm if the notes were left by J. Some had similar handwriting to the part of his letter Dugan published but handwriting experts had conflicting conclusions.
- The painting Dugan is talking about is Achilles Lamenting the Death of Patroclus by Gavin Hamilton.
- The Norman Rockwell painting is actually by Ryan Meinerding, who does art for Marvel.
- March 4th, Steve Rogers day, is in fact a national holiday.
- In 2004, the National World War II Memorial opened in Washington, DC.
- The Official #7 Armed Forces Guideline and Rulebook is an oral guideline to being a soldier that was created by soldiers who knew Bucky; it has been treated like an actual guideline and is passed down from base to base. There are a number of "rules" and requirements and the rulebook is almost a myth itself, like Bucky is.
- James F. Byrnes was the actual person of the year in 46, so sorry to him, and sorry to George Marshall because Steve won it in 47. The decision to name J before Steve came from TIME after the Commandos demanded it and threatened them.
- The Bear Jews: in the age of Back Panthers and the Vietnam War and a political climate that was absolutely lost in itself, a bunch of Jews marched for equality and solidarity with other ethnic groups.
Nine
- I'm not sure if the MCU meant to make a mistake regarding Stalingrad (which the interviewer calls Volgograd—historically incorrect). Peggy says Steve saves the soldiers in 45 but historically, the battle of Stalingrad takes place in 42-43, so I added a subsequent battle in 45 that Steve does take part in.
- The history books would historically talk a lot about Bastogne, but Dugan refers to them getting details wrong, and not being accurate about what actually happened there.
- "That was what we did when we were younger: if your parents went to visit someone, you went with them. If they had kids, then you were lucky and if they didn’t, then hopefully they had a record player" is a direct quote from my boyfriend's grandmother who was born in 1924, ten years after Dugan. Their upbringings would have been similar, however, both having lived through the depression and the war.
- The Dream Team is Steve and Bucky, if you hadn't guessed.
- I Love My Baby is a Josephine Baker song.
- Dick Winters and the 101st make another great appearance in this chapter, accompanied by some Band of Brothers details.
- Steve can grow a beard, he just chooses not to have one for aesthetic purposes. This changes in the future.
- The town of Bastogne suffered heavy losses during the Battle of the Bulge; 21 people were killed in the hospital and many soldiers died on route to the aid station or in the forest where the battle took place.
- McAuliffe is the one who actually wrote the response to the Germans (yes it's real), but Bucky gets the credit here.
- Roe, Toye, Guarnere, Julian and Heffron are soldiers whose stories are told in Band of Brothers.
- 341 killed, 1,691 wounded, and 516 missing are the actual reported numbers.
- Dugan refers to Blood Upon the Risers, among other war songs they sung.
- Yes, the Commandos at some point all swapped spit.
- "The past is just something that’s over" comes back to haunt us once more.
- So does "what happened, happened."
- There are theories all over Tumblr about how the train was a trap to get Bucky back, and I really buy into that because there was no reason for Zola to be on a train in the middle of Austria anyway when he should have been doing stuff for Schmidt. It also seemed like a terrible plan to zip line onto a moving train and yet, they did it anyway. Terrible plan, terrible execution, 10/10 would not recommend.
- The train incident happened exactly 2 months before Bucky's birthday.
- "J was not a substitute for anything and there was, is, will never be a substitute for J, if you’ll forgive me saying so, anywhere" is a line from A Single Man, changing the names. Please watch this movie.
- Ursa Minor is also called the Little Bear, Cepheus is the King.
- My old friend: I can remember when you cut your hair; I never saw you again. Now the cities we live in could be different stars, and I search for you in every passing car.
Ten
- This is Dugan's shortest chapter and the most quotable throughout history. This was the launching point of the LGBTQ movement involving Steve and Bucky and the various documentaries that were made to uncover the truth about their relationship and Bucky's identity.
- He doesn't actually tell the story in full because it is so widely known. Everyone and their mom knows how Captain America dies, but Dugan just wanted to focus on how Steve died.
- Steve called Bucky's mom but both of them were unable to continue talking once he had said the words out loud. Dugan took over.
- "That's where he is now, in that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming, that's where he’ll be waiting" is a line from Hook.
- "You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly" is a line from Holding the Man and that book/movie will rip your soul out.
Eleven
- Steve and Bucky's empty coffins are buried in Shelbyville, Indiana.
- The statue of Steve is the same one recently put up in Brooklyn. The MCU timeline actually confuses me here because the wiki page for Steve says that he met Erskine in 1941 but the timeline page places that meeting in 1943. I've compromised by having their meeting take place on June 14th, 1942 and Steve starting his USO tour at the end of the month. That gives him a whole year and a bit before he rejoins Bucky and forms the Commandos.
- The statue's date actually says 1941 in that picture, but in this universe, it is changed. On the back of the statue is the full address Peggy gave to the nation which will be saved for the next part of this series.
- "Quick and as easy as falling asleep" is my nod to Harry Potter.
- Toye, Jones, Martin, Evans, More, Basilone, and Rodriguez are all soldiers featured in Band of Brothers and the Pacific.
- If you ever have the chance, read the original story of Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie because it is utterly heartbreaking.
- I did some faerie research late at night for this and then got scared because I heard a weird noise.
- "Nous protègeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se protèger eux-měmes" is from Teen Wolf which oddly enough I have never watched fully but the six or so episodes that I did watch stuck with me for some reason. I always loved the idea of Allison reworking her family's code so I thought I would slip it in somewhere.
Twelve
- Roosevelt died and Truman took over and insisted that the Commandos retire, recognizing that they operated with little to no supervision and could possibly be seen in a negative light if they continued to work. They pretty much ignored him, at least for a few years.
- The anomaly that Peggy tells them about is zero matter, which is dealt with in Agent Carter. Like I've said before, I never really got into Agent Carter so I was pretty vague at this part but I hope it doesn't show. It's not the most important detail Dugan has to talk about.
- The decision to have Dugan's father commit suicide was a hard one to make but ultimately, I think it adds more to his character and to his grief process. His father committed suicide and, from his perspective, so did Steve. Going back home and feeling out of place made his mother worry and because he had seen two people he loved take their lives, but Dugan never went down that road.
- Again, he touches on the fact that they couldn't talk about being Commandos. They were released from duty if they wanted to be and would have cushy lives thanks to their service, but because they were still involved in such high profile secret missions, people might still want them dead. They couldn't talk about a lot of the stuff they did because a lot of it would have been considered illegal, as well. Peggy and Howard and Chester still officially worked for the government and their involvement with the Commandos could have gotten them in trouble as well. They were all doomed to keep quiet, like Dugan says, "The best years of my life were over and I couldn’t talk about them."
- Steve's memorial in DC might still hold the record for attendance and viewing over TV and radio.
- I haven't actually written Peggy's full eulogy, just parts of it, and since I keep crying while I'm doing it, I figure I need more time.
- Steve got stabbed a lot.
- The boys, Peggy and Howard, spent a good month in Shelbyville with Bucky's family.
- Peggy's storyline in this fic doesn't align with the events of Agent Carter. She doesn't go undercover and doesn't work with the people she works with in the show. She does, however, meet Angie and become best friends with her. She and Howard work together from the beginning, along with Phillips and others they can trust, to build the foundations of SHIELD.
- Although Truman wanted the Commandos gone, the military wanted them around, so he turned a blind eye to their new missions as long as they were protecting American lives.
- Dugan, like the rest of the Commandos, suffered from PTSD.
- For reference, the Commando couples are: Timothy and Mary (children James and Hannah), Gabe and Peggy (children Steven, Penelope and Gabriella), Jim and Suzanne (children Stephanie and Sophia), Jaques and Christine (children Barney, Bradley and Bentley), Monty and Andre (children Jim and Neil) and Howard and Maria (and their only child, Tony).
- St. Michaels is a hospital in Scotland where Mary was a nurse for many years. She went back to school and became a doctor later in life.
- I really really love the idea of their families basically being one big family and raising each other's children. This is what Steve will eventually find with the Avengers and I promise it will be lovely and heartbreaking at the same time since he'll be thinking about his friends the whole time. (He does eventually meet all of the descendants of his brothers and it's awesome.)
- "We grew around each other like vines": this is paraphrasing a poem or quote I once read and absolutely loved but could never find again. Google searching it doesn't help me much.
A Goodbye
- "It started with him so it’s only right that it should end with him as well" is the first line I wrote for this fic and it has haunted me the whole time.
- The knife and the cigarettes were indeed buried with Dugan, in the green pastures of Lallybroch.
- When he finally got to heaven, he was super pissed and super amused that all his friends were there except Steve and Bucky so he smoked the cigarettes and filled the guys in on the last years of his life, and then—true to his word—he haunted Peggy for a while.
Photos
- Some of these pictures are from Captain America or Agent Carter, others I selected from Band of Brothers and Fury (the picture of the tank). The photo of Maastrict is one I took in January when I was there and the photo of Lallybroch I googled. It is very very pretty.
- The photo of Steve looking at the map is an untold story but not an important one. He got them lost so many times, they lost count.
- Bucky took pictures when no one was looking and didn't care if they were blurry or if you were caught off guard.
- The photo of Bucky at the end is Sebastian Stan on his birthday one year. There are pictures of him with his sister and some with Peggy but over the years most have been destroyed or lost. All that remains are the drawings that Peggy keeps safe for Steve, the few drawings in the notebook Tony has, and a handful of pictures. The public has only ever seen this picture because his military records were never released and any other image of him was kept out of the press.
Ps.