Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Eds: Richie, I am tired of my name being Eds in this chat.  

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to Eddie

Eddie: Ah, sweet normalcy.

Trashmouth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Richie Tozier set the nickname for Eddie Kaspbrak to Eds

Bev: we are not going through this hell again.

Benny Boy: UGH!!! You guys don’t!

Stan the Man: I will block you both.

Eds: But Stan!

Stan the Man: We dealt with this for a solid month last year. I will not suffer this pain again.

Big Bill: stan will take a lot of pain and bullshit but not this so just leave it i swear to god eddie

Mikey Mike: Last time this argument took 20 years off my LIFE.

Benny Boy: Mike you are 17.

Mikey Mike: Exactly, I am negative 2 years old.

Eds: You can't all gang up against me and take Richie’s side!

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to Eddie

Bev: Eddie you know it is useless.

Big Bill: all of our nicknames in the chat are because of trashmouth accept it

Richie Tozier set the nickname for Eddie Kaspbrak to Eds

Trashmouth: FIGHT ME EDS!

Eds: You were gone for so long. Why did you have to come back?!

Benny Boy: ‘Tis useless to get involved.

Bev: let them settle this lovers quarrel themselves.

Eds: BEV!

Trashmouth: What’s wrong with being lovers?

Eds is typing…

Eds is typing…

Eds: Beep Beep Rich.

Bev: just teasing Eddie ❤️

Trashmouth: I AM A FUCKING CATCH THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Bev: we all know that Rich.

Eds: Please don't encourage him. We are not lovers.

Mikey Mike: I’d date Richie *thumbs up emoji*

Trashmouth: Mike...THAT’S GAY

Stan the Man: Richie, you are bisexual.

Trashmouth: Your point?

Eds: I'd date Mike, now he's a catch.

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to Eddie

Bev: who wouldn't date Mike?!

Big Bill: i would absolutely date mike

Stan the Man: Now that is some relatable content.

Mikey Mike: GUYYYYYYYYYSSSS I’M GOING TO CRY!

Richie Tozier set the nickname for Eddie Kaspbrak to Eds

Trashmouth: So I guess Mike is dating everyone then!

Benny Boy: How lucky are we?!!!!

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to Eddie

Eddie: Guess you aren't that great of a catch, huh Richie?

Trashmouth: That’s not what Mrs. K said last night.

Eddie, Bev, Benny Boy, Big Bill, Stan the Man, Mikey Mike are typing…

Benny Boy: BEEP BEEP RICHIE!!

Bev: beep beep Richie

Big Bill: beep beep richie

Stan the Man: Beep Beep Dickhead.

Mikey Mike: Beep Beep Richard!

Richie Tozier set the nickname for Eddie Kaspbrak to Eds

Eds: BEEP FUCKING BEEP ASSHOLE

Chapter Text

Stan the Man: Alright, time to plan our annual Losers Thanksgiving.

Trashmouth: You mean The Losers Thanksgiving Feast™

Stan the Man: Yes.

Big Bill: my house as usual

Stan the Man: Bill, use question marks.

Big Bill: why

Stan the Man: That way we know if it is a question or a statement!

Big Bill: you knew what i meant though so are we having it at my place

Stan the Man: Of course. Where else would we have it?

Trashmouth: Could you imagine doing it at my house? Fuck...that would be a shitty time.

Eds:  ❤️ Sorry Rich

Trashmouth: Thanks Eds. At least I have you. ❤️

Mikey Mike: Breaking up this precious moment to let you all know I am a vegetarian again.

Big Bill: you are an on again off again vegetarian every other week

Mikey Mike: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TURKEYS ARE SLAUGHTERED EVERY YEAR FOR THANKSGIVING, WILLIAM?

Big Bill: no

Mikey Mike: Me neither but I know it’s a lot.

Stan the Man: The National Turkey Federation estimates that 46 million turkeys are killed for Thanksgiving each year.

Benny Boy: Resident bird expert here to ruin our day.

Mikey Mike: AHHHHHHH! POOR TURKEYS!

Bev: well...now I want to be a vegetarian too.

Trashmouth: So all I am hearing is that this is the year we make a turducken

Eds: What the fuck is a turducken?

Trashmouth: Turkey + Duck + Chicken + put them inside each other = TURDUCKEN

Eds: 1. That sounds disgusting. 2. How does Mike and possibly Bev saying they are vegetarians make you think, “more meat”?

Trashmouth: I only think of two things in this world: meat and Eddie…

Trashmouth: ...’s Mom.

Eds: I hope you choke on your meat.

Trashmouth: I don’t have a gag reflex.

Eds: BEEP BEEP RICHIE. AHHHHH

Stan the Man: Richie is uninvited from The Losers Thanksgiving Feast™.

Eds: I second this.

Mikey Mike: Why must you upset us in this way Richard?

Trashmouth: You couldn’t uninvite me if you tried, Stanny the manny!

Stan the Man: I will end you.

Stan the Man: Also, ‘uninvite’ is not a word. Uninvited is a word. You could have said, “I cannot be uninvited.”

Trashmouth: Always the fucking grammar police.

Bev: okay, before this goes any further I’m changing the topic back to thanksgiving. who’s bringing what this year?

Benny Boy: Great question Bev!!!

Big Bill: babe, want to come over and make the mashed potatoes

Bev: sure hun, just tell me when’s a good time and I’ll meet you there ;)

Trashmouth: I hate our resident couple. Y’all are gross.

Bev: i think you're just jealous.

Stan the Man: He is definitely jealous.

Trashmouth: JEALOUS OF WHAT

Bev: that you're not in a cute relationship like Bill and I.

Big Bill: yeah richie

Big Bill: dont be a green eyed monster just because bev and i are a hot commodity

Eds: I think it's sweet. They are my favorite cute couple!

Bev: thanks Eddie!

Benny Boy: ...weren't we talking about who was bringing what?!?

Eds: I’ll make the turkey since I am the only one who knows how. As well as a tofu one for our vegetarians. Also a huge salad, and everyone must have some cause it's good for you.

Eds: *I'm looking at you Richie*

Benny Boy: I can bring rolls and mom made extra cranberry sauce.

Mikey Mike: I got yams, green bean casserole, and stuffing!

Trashmouth: FUCK SALAD

Trashmouth: Also THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I FINALLY MAKE THEE DESSERT

Stan the Man: It’s never going to happen.

Big Bill: you have been trying to recreate it for 5 years now

Bev: wow remember our first The Losers Thanksgiving Feast™?

Eds: You mean when Bill cut his hand, Ben caught the potatoes on fire and Rich and Bev stole the turkey...I try to forget about it.

Eds: Except for Rich’s dessert.

Bev: yeah, fun times...the dessert made up for it haha

Benny Boy: It's something we will remember forever! I'm thankful for that!!

Mikey Mike: I still have dreams about that incredible concoction of a dessert Richie made.

Big Bill: im forever bitter that he didnt write down the damn recipe

Stan the Man: It really was the best dessert.

Trashmouth: Stan the Man...my heart just fluttered.

Stan the Man: I will destroy you.

Trashmouth: ANYWAYYYYY, this year...will be the year I successfully make it.

Mikey Mike: Who’s gonna make sure he writes down the recipe?

Big Bill: i did it last year and he almost burned the kitchen to the ground so not me thanks

Stan the Man: It is Eddie’s turn.

Eds: Fuck me.

Trashmouth: Is that a request?

Eds: RICHIE SHUT UP!

Trashmouth: Just messing with ya Eds. :)

Eds: Asshole

Eds: I wish you would do a test dessert on yourself, instead of making us your guinea pigs every year.

Trashmouth: THAT IS PART OF THE TRADITION

Bev: i like it when we all take a bite of Richie’s creation, praying to whatever deity we believe in that it doesn’t fucking kill us.

Trashmouth: It is my greatest honor when no loser dies.

Eds: Remember last year when you poisoned Ben?!

Benny Boy: Eddie I'm pretty sure it was an allergic reaction!

Eds: No way, I saw something somewhere that being poisoned has similar symptoms to severe allergic reactions. People then get diagnosed wrong and then you know what….THEY DIE BEN!!

Benny Boy: I don't think that's true!?

Bev: who is allowing Eddie to watch the health channel again?

Big Bill: richie was supposed to be watching him

Stan the Man: Trashmouth is useless.

Mikey Mike: Protect Eddie from himself!!

Trashmouth: I can’t always keep track of Eds.

Eds: I don't need a babysitter!

Trashmouth: I’m not your babysitter.

Trashmouth: I am your lover, we’ve been through this.

Bev: i knew it!

Eds: We are NOT lovers. Bev don't encourage him!

Mikey Mike: You two would be very cute, Eddie.

Benny Boy: I’D SHIP IT!!!!!

Stan the Man: Eddie would be a great influence on him. I cannot say the same about Trashmouth.

Big Bill: we would actually have competition on who the cutest couple is

Eds: What the fuck is happening here.

Bev: we can double date!

Trashmouth: Let’s give the Losers what they want, Eds!

Eds: I'm gone.

Eds: And my name is not Eds.

Eds: OK. Now, I’m gone.

Chapter Text

**Eddie & Richie chat**

Eds ❤️: Seriously...our names have hearts now?

Rich ❤️: I like it when we match emojis!

Eds ❤️: You are so weird.

Eds ❤️: Hey Rich…

Eds ❤️: Is everything okay? You’ve been pretty quiet on the chat today.

Rich ❤️: Eddie spaghetti, if all it takes is for little ole me to not be active on the group chat to get one on one text time with you, I should do it more often!

Eds ❤️: -.- I’m serious Rich, is everything okay at home? You know how I worry!

Rich ❤️: Now you’re just saying stuff to pull on my heartstrings boy!

Eds ❤️: Look, I know you don’t like to talk about it much, it’s fine. I just hate when you lock it all away.

Eds ❤️: As your best friend you can talk to me…or any of us…No one wants you hurting Richie!

Rich ❤️: Screenshotting you admitting to being my best friend.

Eds ❤️: Sigh…BECAUSE I AM! I love you, friend.

Rich ❤️: Love you too, Eds.

Rich ❤️: Also…THAT’S GAY!

Eds ❤️: You can keep deflecting but I will continue to pester.

Rich ❤️: Ughhhhhhh.

Rich ❤️: You always see right through my facade.

Rich ❤️: Mom was a bit out of it today, had too much to drink last night and dad…wasn’t around. It was a rough morning and the day hasn’t had many chucks either…

Eds ❤️: I’m sorry Rich…how about we go for some ice cream! We can talk more about it if you want? That’s the nice part about having this week off for Thanksgiving!

Rich ❤️: It’s okay, I talked it out with Bev and that helped. I really don’t want to bitch about it again.

Eds ❤️: Oh…okay. Um…no problem.

Rich ❤️: Ice cream however sounds perfect, it’ll be good to get out of the house :D

Eds ❤️: Hooray! I’ll ask the others to see if they want to join.

Rich ❤️: I know Bev and Bill are spending the day together so they will most likely be busy doing it.

Eds ❤️: Richie!!!!!

Rich ❤️: Eddie!!!!!

Eds ❤️: You don’t have to be disgusting all the time.

Rich ❤️: Wait, by “doing it” I simply meant laundry. Get your mind out of the gutter BOY!

Eds ❤️: You are impossible.

**The Losers Club Chat**

Big Bill: i feel like i have a huge head

Bev: your head is normal sized?!

Stan the Man: Bill is big headed but does not have a big head.

Eds: Hey! Rich and I are going for ice cream. Any takers?!

Bev: bill and i can’t now but let’s meet up later!

Benny Boy: I’ll need to pass as well. I promised Mom I’d help her around the house today.

Mikey Mike: I’ve got chores to finish up.

Stan the Man: I have some studying to do. However, I agree with Beverly that we should meet up later.

Big Bill: yeah everyone can come here and just hang out

Richie: I’m not coming over GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT YOU AND BEV HAVE BEEN DOING ALL DAY IN YOUR BED!

Big Bill: youre an idiot

Bev: beep beep Richie.

**Eddie & Richie chat**

Rich ❤️: Think you can handle getting ice cream with just me?

Eds ❤️: Still seems like a great idea.

Eds ❤️: I must really be craving ice cream :)

Rich ❤️: You are such a cutie pie Eds. Sure you aren’t craving me? :P

Eds ❤️: Hurry and meet there before I change my mind.

Eds ❤️: ALSO I AM NOT CUTE and don’t call me Eds!!!

Rich ❤️: Okay okay I’ll see you soon!

Rich ❤️: And Eddie…thank you. You’re the best.

Eds ❤️: Anytime Richie!

Rich ❤️: See you in a bit Eddie ‘cutie pie’ spaghetti.

Eds ❤️: I hate you.

Rich ❤️: LIAR! You said you love me!

Eds ❤️: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Rich ❤️: *sends screenshot*

Eds ❤️: Did you try to send a photo? Because it just looks blank to me. :)

Rich ❤️: One day you will admit to being lovers.

Eds ❤️: See you in 5, asshole.

Chapter Text

**The Losers Club Chat**

Bev: i will need to take out all my outfits from The Losers Thanksgiving Feast™.

Stan the Man: I blame Eddie’s perfect turkey.

Benny Boy: Do you all know what day it is?!

Stan the Man: The day after Thanksgiving.

Eds: GASP! IS IT TIME ALREADY?!

Trashmouth: Oh my god…I have waited all year for this.

Bev: DECK THOSE HALLS AND PLAY THOSE CAROLS! IT IS CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Stan the Man: You are the lamest people alive.

Big Bill: it isnt even december yet

Mikey Mike: You 4 do this every year.

Benny Boy: It is never too early to plan for the holidays!!

Trashmouth: Yeah! Where is your Christmas cheer assholes?!

Stan the Man: I left it in my kippah.

Mikey Mike: If I was standing next to Stan, I would give him a fist bump for that.

Stan the Man: *fist bump emoji*

Mikey Mike: *fist bump emoji*

Mikey Mike: I am so honored to have gotten an emoji from Stanley Uris.

**Stanley & Richie chat**

November 24, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Hey Stan the Mannnnnnn

Stanley’s Manly: What do you want, Richie?

The Thing of Evil: Guess what time of year it is?

Stanley’s Manly: The day after Thanksgiving, so what?

Stanley’s Manly: We went over this in the Losers group chat.

Stanley’s Manly: Wait a minute. Richie, you cannot do this to me again.

The Thing of Evil: Happy 31 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Shit.

**The Losers Club Chat chat**

Stan the Man: Richie is torturing me with a Christmas countdown again.

Trashmouth: I don’t know what you are referring too.

Big Bill: he does this bit every year just let it happen stan

Eds: Remember when he used to do it to you in person? Much worse.

Stan the Man: I feel such a powerful urge to murder him though.

Mikey Mike: Deep breathes dear Stan.

Bev: so…is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?

Eds: Whoops. Literally listening right now.

Bev: you are my hero. Eddie! Can we decorate your room again this year?!

Eds: Totally! Come pick me up and let’s go buy Christmas stuff we don’t need!

Bev: be there in 10.

Trashmouth: EXCUSE ME! I WANT TO COME!

Bev: Rich, i am currently sitting next to you and just asked if you wanted to come.

Trashmouth: But Eddie didn’t invite me!

Stan the Man: Go take your Christmas decorating nonsense to a separate chat.

Eds: Sorry Stanley!

**Eddie & Richie chat**

Rich ❤️: I WANT TO COME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!

Eds ❤️: Oh my god…you are such a child.

Rich ❤️: I am not going unless you invite me.

Eds ❤️: I guess you aren’t going then! :)

Rich ❤️: I can feel my heart breaking.

Rich ❤️: The darkness closing in

Rich ❤️: Eddie doesn’t truly love me.

Rich ❤️: What do I do?

Rich ❤️: Where will I go?

Eds ❤️: YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN.

Rich ❤️: How will I live?

Eds ❤️: Jesus fucking Christ…

Eds ❤️: Richie, would you like to come Christmas decoration shopping with me?

Rich ❤️: You don’t have to beg me Eds.

Eds ❤️: I cannot handle you.

Rich ❤️: Is that a challenge?

Eds ❤️: RICHIE WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY?!

Rich ❤️: You bring out my true self.

Rich ❤️: And yes, I would love to go shopping with you.

**The Losers Club Chat chat**

Big Bill: i love that my best friend and my girlfriend are friends

Bev: we have been friends for 4 years hun.

Big Bill: I know it just makes me so happy

Mikey Mike: I love sappy Bill.

Benny Boy: Except for Eddie, Stan, Richie and Bill…we’ve all known each other the same amount.

Trashmouth: Alright, I am invited to go shopping. All’s right with my world.

Trashmouth: Wait a minute…EDDIE IS MY BEST FRIEND BILL!

Bev: no silly, he is your lover.

Trashmouth: Oh right, carry on Big Bill.

Eds: HOW DOES THIS GET BROUGHT UP EVERY COUPLE DAYS??

Bev: don’t fight it Eddie!

Benny Boy: So when are we doing Secret Santa?

Mikey Mike: *Secret Ninja

Big Bill: for our jewish friend

Benny Boy: Oh right! Sorry, Stanley. I mean Secret Ninja.

Stan the Man: I am used to it with you people.

Trashmouth: So I’m organizing picking the names for Secret Ninja, correct?

Eds: NO WAY RICH

Big Bill: no way in hell

Bev: keep dreaming.

Benny Boy: Nice try Richie, but you’ve been banned from organizing the names.

Eds: Yeah, after that one time where you only wrote slips of paper with your own name!

Mikey Mike: That was the funniest year.

Stan the Man: Mike is always encouraging chaos.

Trashmouth: I would have gotten away with it too if y’all kept your yaps shut.

Trashmouth: It’s called secret ninja. Keyword being SECRET!

Eds: It’s called being selfish.

Big Bill: the point is youve been blacklisted

Trashmouth: It was three years ago!

Trashmouth: Let it gooooooooooooooooo

Benny Boy: Turn away and slam the door.

Eds: I’m sorry Ben, but what?

Benny Boy: I don’t care what they’re going to say…

Trashmouth: Isn’t saying random shit my thing?

Benny Boy: Let the storm rage on…

Mikey Mike: Put it together you two…think Disney.

Bev and Benny Boy are typing….

Benny Boy: The cold never bothered me anyway!!

Bev: the cold never bothered me anyway!

Benny Boy: Nice Bev!

Bev: why thank you!

Big Bill: why frozen though its terrible

Bev: just for that I’m making you watch Frozen later.

Big Bill: fuck

Mikey Mike: It was a perfect opportunity, one can’t just pass on it.

Stan the Man: They should have passed.

Bev: don’t listen to them, Ben!

Bev: there’s never a wrong time to bring up disney.

Eds: Not that that wasn’t…something, but can we get back to Secret Ninja?

Bev: i nominate Ben to be in charge of names or Stan.

Stan the Man: No, thank you. I am putting up with all of this.

Bev: okay…back to Ben!

Eds: We don’t have to do it if you don’t want Stan. :,(

Stan the Man: When did I say I did not want to? I love receiving presents.

Trashmouth: Stop upsetting Eddie and being an asshole Stan.

Mikey Mike: Richard, lay off my Stan.

Stan the Man: Sometimes my sarcasm comes out as indifference. I am sorry, Eddie.

Stan the Man: Also, Mike is my favorite human.

Mikey Mike: ;)

Eds: It’s okay! I just want to make sure everyone wants to do it.

Stan the Man: I enjoy Secret Ninja!

Eds: PHEW!

Benny Boy: Alright! At school, we will each grab a slip of paper and get a Secret Ninja!

Chapter Text

**Where is Eddie Chat - Bill, Bev, Ben, Richie, Stan, Mike**

Father Bill: i lost eddie again

Wannabe Lover: He’s with me!

Brother Stan: We should have known.

November 28, 2017

Richie Tozier renamed the group SURPRISE PARTY FOR EDS

Mother Bev: awwwwwwww. i liked the previous name of this chat.

Grandpa Mike: Why did we call it “Where is Eddie”?

Sister Ben: He left his phone at home and we spent the day trying to find him.

Wannabe Lover: It was the longest day of my life.

Wannabe Lover: I can’t live without him.

Father Bill: we get it you love him

Wannabe Lover: DON’T SASS ME DENBROUGH!

Mother Bev: then we kept it because we somehow lose him once a week.

Brother Stan: A surprise party for Eddie is a terrible idea.

Wannabe Lover: Why?!!!

Brother Stan: Eddie’s favorite day is his birthday. If we spend the day ignoring him for some big surprise, he is going to hate us.

Mother Bev: let’s do it and we won’t ignore the fact that it’s Eddie’s big day…

Mother Bev: we’re just not really going to acknowledge it!

Brother Stan: That makes zero sense. He is going to be extremely mad.

Father Bill: i cant wait to make him mad

Grandpa Mike: He is the cutest when he is angry.

Wannabe Lover: That’s my line Mike.

Sister Ben: You are all mean.

Sister Ben: But also I’M IN!!!

Brother Stan: It is our funeral.

Mother Bev: that’s the spirit…sorta.

Sister Ben: So what exactly is the plan?

Mother Bev: well what is something Eddie would enjoy?

Sister Ben: Hmm, definitely something where we can all be together.

Wannabe Lover: There goes my idea, it’s not suitable for a group…

Wannabe Lover: Well maybe it is but I don’t think Eds would be into it.

Brother Stan: I am not sure what you are talking about and I do not want an explanation.

Mother Bev: hun, what about a movie in your garage? we can decorate the place and project a movie on the wall.

Grandpa Mike: That sounds great or if Bill can’t, we can have a picnic at the farm!

Sister Ben: BOTH!!!

Mother Bev: elaborate Ben.

Sister Ben: We can have an outdoor movie night and picnic at Mike’s farm. I’m sure I can build something that we can use to project the movie outside.

Wannabe Lover: WE CAN MAKE ALL HIS FAVORITE FOODS!

Grandpa Mike: So in other words, I am making all of Eddie’s favorite foods?

Wannabe Lover: EXACTLY!

Father Bill: thats a really good idea its something different and i think eddie would appreciate it

Brother Stan: Your punctuational errors are horrendous.

Father Bill: let me live stan

Mother Bev: all in favor say I!

Wannabe Lover: I FUCKING DO!

Grandpa Mike: I

Sister Ben: I

Brother Stan: Aye

Father Bill: i

Wannabe Lover: What the fuck is aye?!

Brother Stan: Traditionally, when an assembly of people vote they are saying what sounds like “I” but it is actually “aye”. How are you in AP English IV and AP Government with me?

Wannabe Lover: School is easy. Boring and easy. Why are we talking about school? We should be talking about EDDIE!

Mother Bev: yes! so Rich what’s Eddie’s favorite movie?

Sister Ben: STOP EVERYTHING! Eddie just messaged the group chat? What to do?!

Grandpa Mike: Reply!

Grandpa Mike: He doesn’t know we are planning anything.

Sister Ben: Right, okay sorry. I panicked.

**The Losers Club chat**

November 28, 2017

Eds: This chat is really dead considering what day it is!!

Big Bill: what day is it

Trashmouth: What’s so great about a Tuesday?

Eds: You guys, look at the date!

Benny Boy: It’s November 28th.

Trashmouth: You’re early by a month Eds, Christmas is in December!

Stan the Man: You are all exhausting.

Eds: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!

Eds: IT’S MYYYYYY DAY!

Trashmouth: Well that ain’t no Christmas.

Bev: happy birthday Eddie ❤️

Mikey Mike: You know we wouldn’t forget! Happy birthday!

Benny Boy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDDIE!!!!

Big Bill: hbd eddie

Stan the Man: Happy birthday to you, Eddie.

Trashmouth: So what does Eddie Spaghetti have planned for the big day?

Eds: Thank you ❤️

Eds: Not much, my day is pretty clear.

Trashmouth: Oh sounds sad, alright catch up later. I’m out.

Benny Boy: Yeah, mom is dragging me shopping. Enjoy your day Eddie.

Bev: yeah i’m off too. we should try to meet up later. Eddie. love you!

Big Bill: same need to do things

Eds: Oh…alright then.

**SURPRISE PARTY FOR EDS Chat - Bill, Bev, Ben, Richie, Stan, Mike**

Brother Stan: This is the most feeble-minded group to ever exist.

Grandpa Mike: Subtlety is not our strong suit it would seem.

Wannabe Lover: He’ll be fineeee.

Mother Bev: no he won’t but nothing we can do now.

Mother Bev: now again, what is Eddie’s favorite movie?

Wannabe Lover: He tells everyone that his favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz but it is actually Footloose.

Wannabe Lover: He also loves it when we do Disney Drinking games.

Sister Ben: That is wrong on so many levels.

Wannabe Lover: Why?!

Sister Ben: Because Disney is pure!

Wannabe Lover: Have you seen the Little Mermaid Castle? It is literally shaped like a dick.

Sister Ben: BEEP BEEP RICHIE. WHY?!

Wannabe Lover: It is important to educate you Benny Boy.

Sister Ben: I came here to plan a surprise party and I’m feeling so attacked right now.

Grandpa Mike: Stop corrupting Benjamin.

Father Bill: i vote the wizard of oz

Brother Stan: I agree, it is a great movie.

Mother Bev: wait…can we please dress up as characters from the movie?!

Wannabe Lover: Beverly…have I told you recently that YOU ARE A GENIUS?!

Mother Bev: you could say it more often. <3

Grandpa Mike: I CALL THE WIZARD!

Sister Ben: Mike the Great and Powerful Oz!

Brother Stan: I will fight anyone for the Tin Man.

Wannabe Lover: Wow Stan, who know you were such a big Wizard of Oz fan.

Brother Stan: I relate to the Tin Man because we are both heartless.

Father Bill: stan is most savage to himself

Father Bill: love yourself stanley

Brother Stan: I will love myself, if you use proper punctuation and capitalization.

Father Bill: i guess youll never love yourself then

Mother Bev: well i love you Stanny!

Brother Stan: I love you too, Bev.

Mother Bev: :) <3

Mother Bev: wait… i better not have to be dorothy just because i am the only lady.

Wannabe Lover: I see no lady here, just a bad ass bitch.

Mother Bev: thanks husband!

Wannabe Lover: Anytime wifey! And Eddie will be Dorothy.

Mother Bev: good because i want to be the wicked witch!

Wannabe Lover: And I will bring an outfit for him and steal his toto stuffed dog.

Grandpa Mike: EDDIE HAS A TOTO STUFFED ANIMAL?! THIS PLEASES ME SO MUCH!

Wannabe Lover: Oh shit, that was not supposed to get out.

Sister Ben: Richie, don’t reveal Eddie’s secrets when he cannot defend himself in this chat.

Wannabe Lover: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Father Bill: my son eddie is the cutest lad in the world

Mother Bev: we raised him so well :)

Father Bill: also i am the cowardly lion

Wannabe Lover: I will be the scarecrow

Mother Bev: because the scarecrow and dorothy are in love!

Mother Bev: i see where you’re going with this Mr. Tozier ;)

Wannabe Lover: Why must you expose me like this?

Sister Ben: Hold on…who am I going to be?

Mother Bev: my sister!

Sister Ben: GLINDA?! I don’t know.

Mother Bev: oh Ben, please, it would be the best!

Brother Stan: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Grandpa Mike: Benjamin the Good Witch!

Sister Ben: As much as I would love to be Bev’s sister…I own nothing pink.

Brother Stan: The North and South witches, and East and West witches, respectively, are sisters.

Wannabe Lover: Stan the Man fucking loves this movie.

Sister Ben: Nor do I have a crown or wand.

Father Bill: i got you covered

Sister Ben: Bill…what?

Father Bill: shhhhhh dont ask questions

Mother Bev: just accept it Ben!

Sister Ben: Okay, I’ll be Glinda!!

Mother Bev: i’ll be loving you ;)

Sister Ben: Hahahaha Sneaky!!

Mother Bev: Ben and i will serenade Eddie with songs from Wicked.

Sister Ben: I’ve heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason

Mother Bev: bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow

Grandpa Mike: If we let them and we help them in return

Brother Stan: Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

Father Bill: but i know im who i am today

Wannabe Lover: Because I knew youuuuuu

Father Bill: i dont even like wicked but have it memorized because bev once spent two months listening to it nonstop

Wannabe Lover: Also, that was the cutest thing we have ever done it makes me wanna vomit.

Wannabe Lover: I am screenshotting it for Eddie to look at later.

Wannabe Lover: OH SHIT!! HE IS SEPARATELY TEXTING ME!

Mother Bev: be normal and answer him!

Brother Stan: Richie is going to fuck this all up.

**Richie and Eddie chat**

Eds ❤️: Richie, what the fuck was that in the group chat?

Rich ❤️: What? We are all just busy today.

Eds ❤️: What exactly is it that you have to do Rich?

Rich ❤️: I took up tennis.

Eds ❤️: Tennis…

Eds ❤️: Richie, you don’t do sports. You get winded walking up stairs.

Rich ❤️: That’s probably from my smoking.

Eds ❤️: Yes, yes it is!

Eds ❤️: I’ve told you this before. Smoking is a disgusting habit that is a killing machine. Do you know what’s in them? You and Bev are so smart, you two should know better.

Eds ❤️: Wait, you are distracting me from my main reason for messaging you. Why are you all blowing me off?

Eds ❤️: ON MY DAY!

Rich ❤️: We aren’t blowing you off! Everyone just…

Rich ❤️: Um…forgot?

Eds ❤️: Wait, what?! You forgot?? How could you forget?!

Eds ❤️: I literally wouldn’t stop talking about it!

Eds ❤️: Did you just ignore me whenever I opened my mouth?

Eds ❤️: So you forgot MY BIRTHDAY which is shitty enough but none of you can come celebrate with me??

Eds ❤️: Richie!! Don’t fucking ignore me!

**SURPRISE PARTY FOR EDS Chat - Bill, Bev, Ben, Richie, Stan, Mike**

Wannabe Lover: HE IS SO MAD AT ME! I CAN’T DO THIS!

Wannabe Lover: I’M GOING TO TELL HIM!

Father Bill: be strong richie

Wannabe Lover: I AM WEAK!!!!

Brother Stan: I knew you would fuck this all up.

Grandpa Mike: Richard, this was your idea.

Mother Bev: what’s happening, Rich?

Wannabe Lover: He is accusing me of ignoring him every time he mentioned his birthday BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE!

Wannabe Lover: I NEVER IGNORE EDS!

Wannabe Lover: I WOULD IGNORE YOU ASSHOLES BEFORE I EVER IGNORED HIM!

Sister Ben: That was strangely sweet, but I’m a little hurt by that.

Mother Bev: chill Richie! just go back and talk to Eddie. he’ll be so happy later.

Mother Bev: just think about the apology

Mother Bev: you two will kiss and make out in no time

Mother Bev: *make up

Mother Bev: damn that autocorrect :)

Wannabe Lover: SHUT UP BEVERLY! I DON’T NEED YOUR SASS EITHER!

Wannabe Lover: Alright, going back to texting him.

Wannabe Lover: Fuck me I’m scared.

Grandpa Mike: To quote you earlier “he’ll be fine” I’m proud of you Richie, we are here to support you.

Brother Stan: I am not.

Sister Ben: Yes, Rich you can do this. It’s your gift to talk your way out of things!

**Richie and Eddie chat**

Rich ❤️: Eddie, love of my life, candy apple of my eye, of course I didn’t forget your birthday.

Eds ❤️: You just told me you forgot Richie.

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to ROYALLY PISSED

Rich ❤️: Don’t be like that Eds. I can totally do something later. But like later later. Ok?

ROYALLY PISSED: What the fuck does later later mean?!

Eddie Kaspbrak set the nickname for Richie Tozier to #1 JACKASS

#1 JACKASS: EDDIE!!!

ROYALLY PISSED: It doesn't matter anyway, I don't want to put any of you out. Whatever.

#1 JACKASS: It does matter! Your birthday matters! You matter!

ROYALLY PISSED: Just not enough considering how EVERYONE is too busy.

ROYALLY PISSED: It’s fine, I’ll just spend the day with my mom.

ROYALLY PISSED: I can hear all about how cake can give me cancer and have a lovely piece of salad pie.

#1 JACKASS: Sounds like the perfect day! Salad pie and Mrs. K time.

ROYALLY PISSED: -.- Yeah, bye.

**Bill and Eddie chat**

Eddie: Bill, you’ve been my friend the longest!

Eddie: You couldn’t have forgotten my birthday, so what is going on?

Big Bill: i didnt forget buddy im just busy today

Eddie: Fucking Hell. Whatever Bill.

**Beverly and Eddie chat**

Teddie: Beverley Marsh, please tell me you ALL didn’t forget it was MY DAY.

Teddie: Because I know we care way too much about one another to forget such things? Right?

Teddie: Bev?

Bear: after school, we will get you a cupcake and celebrate just us, i promise. i can’t speak for everyone else.

Teddie: Ok, sure Bev.

**Stanley and Eddie chat**

Eddie: I expected you of all people to remember my fucking birthday, Stanley.

Eddie: You remember some of the most useless facts but MY DAY you completely forget.

Stanley: There is no need to get personal.

Eddie: UGH!

**Mike and Eddie chat**

Edward: Mike, please give me some answers here. I’m in the dark with what is going on and I just have to believe something has happened and it isn’t that my birthday is such a big inconvenience to you all?

Michael: You are not an inconvenience my lil lamb!

Michael: I thought I would have free time today but it turns out I don’t.

Edward: Fine.

**Ben and Eddie chat**

Eddie: Ben, can you please tell me why everyone is pretending like they are way too busy today? Did I do something?

Eddie: Is everyone mad at me?

Eddie: If you don’t want to celebrate my birthday it is okay. Just have the damn decency to tell me because we all know no one is busy!

**SURPRISE PARTY FOR EDS**

Father Bill: who got an angry eddie disappointed text?

Mother Bev: oh yeah, it was brutal.

Grandpa Mike: I have never felt so much guilt in my entire life.

Brother Stan: I forgot that Eddie is more honest and blunt than Trashmouth.

Father Bill: and i forgot that he has perfected picking the exact words to crush your very soul

Wannabe Lover: I TOLD YOU! I want to cry.

Sister Ben: I couldn’t answer because I fear confrontation and might start to actually crying. Lowkey wondering if I should dump my phone in the toilet.

Grandpa Mike: Ben, no.

Mother Bev: he is also under the impression we forgot his birthday?

Father Bill: yeah whats that about

Wannabe Lover: Um…

Mother Bev: Rich!! please tell me you didn’t tell Eddie we forgot his day?!

Wannabe Lover: I may have…perhaps mentioned…possibly…that we all forgot.

Brother Stan: You never cease to out idiot yourself.

Father Bill: damn it richie

Brother Stan: I told you all this was a bad idea. Did I not tell you? I definitely did.

Grandpa Mike: This is what we get for wanting mad Eddie. I think we need to abort this mission.

Sister Ben: We should just give up and tell him!!

Mother Bev: calm down kids, it will be fine. after school, i’m taking Eddie for a cupcake, after that Mike can text us to come over to the farm where you all will be waiting to surprise him!

Mother Bev: it will all make sense to Eddie and he will realize that Rich is an idiot and we didn’t actually forget HIS DAY.

**The Losers Club chat**

Eds: Thank you all for the most wonderful day! I will never forget this. ❤️

Eds: I would also like to take this moment to apologize for my behavior towards you all during the day.

Eds: I said some hurtful things that I didn’t mean. Also, for ignoring you in classes we share and refusing to sit with you at lunch. I love and appreciate you all so much!

Mikey Mike: Soft loving Eddie is the best Eddie.

Eds: That being said, don’t ever fucking surprise me again because this whole situation could have been avoided if I just knew the plan.

Mikey Mike: Texted too soon.

Bev: all is forgiven Eddie! yea, we will definitely keep that in mind.

Stan the Man: I told them you would hate it.

Big Bill: shut up stan

Big Bill: love you eddie

Mikey Mike: Love you my lil lamb!

Benny Boy: No need to apologize Eddie. Although, I’m taking myself out of ever throwing a surprise for you. My heart couldn’t take such stress.

Trashmouth: LOVE YOU EDS

Eds: Not my name.

Bev: it was a cute plan but my poor smol son can’t deal with change.

Eds: I AM NOT SMALL.

Big Bill: literally smaller than all of us

Stan the Man: This is what I was saying all day, Eddie is fragile at this age.

Eds: Fragile?! Stan, I’m a year younger than you and officially the same age as everyone in this group….give or take a few months.

Trashmouth: Awwwww, look at my small cutiepie trying to be perceived as an adult.

Eds: Shut up, Richie! I’m more of an adult than you.

Big Bill: youve upset him now come on richie just agree with him

Eds: Don’t patronize me.

Trashmouth: Ohhhh, turn 17 and suddenly using big words…look Eds, when you’re pushing 18 you see the world differently. I wouldn’t expect you to understand as you’ve just turned 17.

Trashmouth: You may think you’re an adult but you’re still just a child.

Bill Big: enjoy your youth

Mikey Mike: It will fly by lil lamb and before you know it, you’ll be wishing for the “simple days” back.

Bev: don’t worry Eddie you have us here to guide you through this journey.

Eds: I hope you all realize how moronic you sound.

Big Bill: thats no way to talk to your elders

Benny Boy: I read somewhere this is the age they start “mouthing off”.

Bev: we raised you better than this young man!

Stan the Man: Turning 17 has changed you.

Eds: I feel this is a not so subtle way to punish me for my earlier behavior. I will not partake in this insanity any longer. Goodnight my friends who are only a couple of months older than me.

Bev: he’s pushing us away already.

Big Bill: i think he needs a lecture because this new attitude hes coming out with is not working for me

Stan the Man: He did have a long day.

Benny Boy: Too many sweets before bed.

Mikey Mike: The lil tike is probably so exhausted.

Trashmouth: I’ll gladly give him a spanking

Benny Boy: Took it too far.

Mikey Mike: Beep Beep Richard.

Big Bill: Inappropriate

Stan the Man: Can we ban Richie from this chat again?

Bev: sigh, what do you expect from lovers though?

Eds: YOU ARE ALL THE WORST! Good Night losers!

**Richie and Eddie chat**

ROYALLY PISSED: Thank you for an amazing day. I’m so so so sorry I got mad earlier.

Eddie Kaspbrak set the nickname for Richie Tozier to Rich is not a Jackass

Eddie Kaspbrak set their nickname to Eddie

Rich is not a Jackass: Don’t worry about it! You are cute when you are angry.

Eddie: Stop it. I’m not cute.

Richie Tozier set the nickname for Eddie Kaspbrak to Eds ❤️

Richie Tozier set their nickname to Rich ❤️

Rich ❤️: Yes you areeeeeeee

Eds ❤️: Anyway, tonight was so much fun! Watching The Wizard of Oz projected on Mike’s barn, while eating amazing food and surrounded by my best friends was honestly so perfect.

Eds ❤️: Even if you made me wear a light blue flannel shirt and white overalls to be Dorothy IN NOVEMBER.

Rich ❤️: YOU WERE SO CUTE!!!

Eds ❤️: And I can’t believe you told everyone about my stuffed Toto dog, you are a monster.

Rich ❤️: You know better than to tell me these things.

Eds ❤️: I didn’t tell you. You went through my stuff one day and found it.

Eds ❤️: Also, can I say I was completely impressed with Ben and Bev! Where did Ben get his outfit?

Rich ❤️: Yeah it was really on point. He got it all from Bill.

Eds ❤️: Hahahaha Shut up Rich, seriously.

Rich ❤️: The one time I am actually not making a joke you give me a genuine ‘Hahaha’.

Eds ❤️: Why does Bill have a crown, wand, and complete pink outfit?

Rich ❤️: Him and Bev probably role play.

Eds ❤️: Okay, we don’t need to continue.

Rich ❤️: They’re into weird shit.

Eds ❤️: Stop!

Rich ❤️: 50 shades of Bilverly.

Eds ❤️: Beep Beep Rich!

Rich ❤️: Okay I’m done lol

Rich ❤️: Oh! I forgot to send the screenshot of the most adorable Loser Club moment from the secret chat that doesn’t include you.

Eds ❤️: You have a chat without me?

Rich ❤️: It’s for every time we lose you.

Eds ❤️: Fair

Rich ❤️: And our nicknames in the group are as if we are your actual family - Bill and Bev are your parents, Mike is your grandpa, Stan and Ben are your siblings.

Eds ❤️: That’s so funny.

Eds ❤️: What’s your nickname?

Rich ❤️: *sends screenshot of wicked lyrics moment*

Eds ❤️: YOU ARE ALL HUGE LOSERS!

Eds ❤️: And I love you all for it.

Rich ❤️: We love you, Eds, though we all know I love you the most!!!

Eds ❤️: Haha well don’t tell the others but I love you the most too.

Rich ❤️: Screenshotting that and sending it to them individually.

Eds ❤️: Also….wannabe lover is your nickname in that chat?! Really?

Rich ❤️: I made it “Eds Lover” but Stanley changed it to “Wannabe Lover” until you admit we are lovers.

Eds ❤️: HAHAHAHA. GOODNIGHT RICHIE

Rich ❤️: Also not a haha moment. But goodnight sweet prince.

Chapter Text

Eddie: Bill, who do you have for secret ninja?

Big Bill: why

Eddie: Just wondering.

Big Bill: thats defeating the point of secret ninja eddie

Eddie: Maybe I just want to trade who I got.

Big Bill: why not ask ben you know he wouldnt say no

Eddie: Because 1. That’s taking advantage and 2. I already did.

Big Bill: have you asked anyone else to trade

Eddie: No…I just asked people to find out who everyone had…because I don’t like surprises.

Eddie: I’m asking you, as my friend for us to trade!

Big Bill: do you not like who you got

Eddie: What? No, that’s not it at all.

Big Bill: why me eddie

Eddie: You know WHY!

Big Bill: i know but i want you to say it

Eddie: I don’t know what you’re implying.

Big Bill: express yourself eddie tell me your feels

Eddie: Okay…I feel like you are an asshole.

Big Bill: true but not the point

Eddie: Jesus Christ.

Big Bill: i am god eddie not jesus

Eddie: You are the worst, Bill.

Big Bill: say it you know you want too

Eddie: I hate you.

Big Bill: lies do not feed the soul or nourish the heart

Eddie: Fine…argh…

Eddie: I know you got Trashmouth and wanted to know if you would trade with me.

Big Bill: wrong answer

Eddie: What do you mean? It’s the truth.

Eddie: I already got a gift for him!

Big Bill: if you lie to yourself how can you be true to who you are

Eddie: I don’t know how to respond to that.

Eddie: Stupid writers, you only pull bullshit out of your ass.

Big Bill: SAY IT

Eddie: Say what? I already told you!

Big Bill: come on eddie we both know what im truly asking

Big Bill: as your oldest and one of your closest friends you know you can tell me and ill support you

Eddie: FINE

Eddie: Because I like Richie Tozier and I got the perfect gift for him already and secret santa won’t raise any flags!

Eddie:HAPPY YOU BASTARD

Big Bill: extremely

Big Bill: i love that my friends are lovers

Eddie: Bill, don’t!

Eddie: WE ARE NOT LOVERS!

Big Bill: yes you are

Eddie: Bill, he has never once truly told me if he likes me.

Big Bill: he tells you everyday

Eddie: He’s just being Richie, he’s like that with everyone! He’s not actually in love with me!

Big Bill: he is definitely not like that with everyone

Big Bill: i think he really really likes you eddie

Big Bill: we need to find out

Eddie: No we don’t. Let me wallow in my pining.

Big Bill: we can get bev to find out

Eddie: For the love of everything that’s good in this world, do not get Bev involved.

Big Bill: richie has probably already told her that he is hopelessly in love with you

Big Bill: we tell her and by friday you two will be dating

Eddie: Or Bev will ask and give Richie all new teasing material, or worse what if it gets awkward?!

Big Bill: eddie…

Eddie: Then it’s just this awkward silence between us all day everyday

Big Bill: eddie calm down

Eddie: Then I can never show my face to him ever again.

Big Bill: this is getting intense

Eddie: And we can only hang out in big groups to erase the forever awkwardness that has been planted by this confession…why did you make me do this Bill? Why would you ruin our friendship…

Big Bill: Eddie! it didnt happen you have to breathe buddy i can hear your beating heart from my house

Eddie: You capitalized my name and used an exclamation point. Who are you and what have you done with Bill?

Big Bill: you made me do it with your panic attack

Eddie: Sorry, sometimes my imagination gets away from me.

Big Bill: no kidding

Big Bill: are you in love with him because this seems more like love not a crush

Eddie: What, love Richie?! Bill come on…of course not.

Eddie: Well, maybe.

Eddie: No.

Eddie: Yes.

Eddie: Unclear.

Big Bill: yikes you got it bad for richie

Eddie: Promise me you won’t tell anyone?

Big Bill: promise

Eddie: Thank you! Now can we switch names!

Big Bill: sure who did you get

Eddie: You’re better half! :)

Big Bill: okay just for this you have to help me pick a gift for her

Eddie: Done! Thanks Bill.

Big Bill: anything to help you and your soon to be boyfriend

Eddie: WE ARE NOT BOYFRIENDS. UGHHHHH.

Chapter Text

**Richie and Beverly Chat**

Richie Dear: Bev…

Richie Dear: Bevvie…

Richie Dear: Beverly!

Bev Darling: Rich

Bev Darling: Richy

Bev Darling: Richard!

Richie Dear: You spelled Richie wrong! I’m insulted.

Bev Darling: i’m not one to follow the rules, Richy!

Richie Dear: Neither am I. BUT I DON’T KNOW ANY “RICHY”. They sound like a little bitchy.

Bev Darling: you said it not me, just saying.

Richie Dear: Oh and wifey…Eddie found out about us skipping Gym class to smoke. Stanley told him. Eds is so pissed at me.

Bev Darling: damn it, why would Stan tell?! I thought everyone agreed it would be kept from Eddie.

Richie Dear: Stan the Traitor Man did it to punish me for the Christmas Countdown I do every day to him.

Bev Darling: oh, well now it makes sense why Stan told. did Eddie lecture yet?

Richie Dear: The lecture came in full Eddie Spaghetti glory. Face red, shouting, hands gesturing wildly and then not speaking to me for the rest of the day.

Richie Dear: And yet…he is the cutest person in the world.

Bev Darling: only you, in the middle of getting a lecture by an angry Eddie, would think of how cute he is.

Bev Darling: i think this is going from cute and crossing the line into pathetic territory.

Richie Dear: How dare you….wait, what do you mean?

Bev Darling: you get doe eyes every time he’s around and you’ve gotten sooooo jealous! don’t think I miss the way you practically shoo away Simon everytime he tries to talk to Eddie…

Richie Dear: He’s been doing fine without that guy. Simpson should stay in his lane.

Bev Darling: simon!!

Richie Dear: That’s what I said.

Bev Darling: and I know about the secret ninja thing!

Richie Dear: What!? I didn’t do anything, I picked a name like everyone else.

Bev Darling: no, you “picked” your own name about 5 times before settling on the one you wanted.

Richie Dear: So?

Bev Darling: you’re not an idiot Richie, so stop playing…

Richie Dear: Jokes on you Bev cause I ain’t playing.

Bev Darling: -.- haha stop being dumb. look there is no way you picked your name that many times.

Bev Darling: we both know you lied until you got Eddie’s name so you could get a gift for your lover!

Richie Dear: I don’t think I appreciate being called a liar, Beverly Marsh. Where is the proof, Miss suddenly I’m a detective?

Bev Darling: i see past your bullshit bud. plus when it was your turn to pick, i know for a fact your name had already been chosen.

Richie Dear: …what’s your point woman.

Bev Darling: my point is that instead of you just liking Eddie, it’s gone to ‘head over heels’ in love.

Bev Darling: you’re pining Rich, don’t be a piner. you’re better than this pathetic mess

Richie Dear: Oh but I absolutely know I’m in love with Eddie.

Richie Dear: I got it bad Bev like really bad and I don’t even care to say I know I’m pathetic.

Bev Darling: it’s worse than I thought.

Richie Dear: Like I cannot look at him without wanting to kiss his face.

Richie Dear: And every time I think MAYBE he feels the same, he tells me to shut the fuck up. So it is obviously all in my head.

Bev Darling: it’s not all in your head!

Bev Darling: i see the way Eddie looks at you sometimes as if you’re the most amazing thing on planet earth.

Bev Darling: we should ask and see how he really feels! it will be so cute when he admits he loves you too!

Richie Dear: Or he will hate me for making him uncomfortable.

Richie Dear: And not feel the same way.

Richie Dear: Then I will have to leave the state and change my name.

Bev Darling: you’re confessing your feelings not to a murder.

Bev Darling: rich, I know it will be scary but I promise you it will be fine. you will either get a boyfriend in the end or finally have some closure!

Bev Darling: it’s been 5 years, something has to be done!

Richie Dear: I don’t need closure. Keeping Eddie as my friend is a lot more important than telling him I love him and that I want to be more than friends.

Richie Dear: You 6 are the only ones who care about me in this world and I’m not going to jeopardize that on the off chance Eddie feels the same way about me.

Richie Dear: You should fucking understand that with your own family bullshit.

Bev Darling: Rich, CHILL! that got way intense and how dare you pull my family bullshit into this crap just because you can’t fucking grow a pair and say how you feel to him!

Bev Darling: do you really think Eddie is the type to cut you out of his life just like that? cause I know he would never do that to you.

Bev Darling: if you don’t want to say anything then fine, but you have to know that.

Richie Dear: Fine. I don’t want to say anything.

Bev Darling: fine

Bev Darling: look, i just want the best for you two. You are my dearest, closest friend (tell no one that) who I would do anything for. I want you happy!

Richie Dear: Thanks Bevvie.

Richie Dear: You are like a sister to me. Actually, better than a sister because I didn’t get to choose my family, but I did get to choose my friends. Which means I love you more than I could love anyone I’m blood-related too.

Bev Darling: aww i love you too, my sweet fun-loving husband.

Bev Darling: now apologize to me for taking such a low blow and bringing up my family shit for this!

Richie Dear: I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I’m an asshole.

Bev Darling: yes you are but i love you all the same! i too am sorry for pushing the subject.

Richie Dear: You’re forgiven!

Richie Dear: So…Eddie looks at me sometimes?

Bev Darling: it baffles me how oblivious you are to it! he looks at you like you’re literally the only one there. he has insane heart eyes for you!

Richie Dear: So the way Ben looks at you.

Richie Dear: I mean…Bill.

Bev Darling: uh huh, just like the way BILL looks at me.

Bev Darling: for the record Ben is totally over me!

Richie Dear: It’s adorable that you think that. But sure Bev, I’m the oblivious one. *rolling eyes emoji*

Bev Darling: whatever Richy.

Richie Dear: Every time you spell it wrong apart of me dies.

Bev Darling: haha i’ll be sure to tell Eddie this little trick, maybe even Stan ;)

Bev Darling: your boy toy just messaged in the loser chat asking if we want to get ice cream. Shall we go?

Richie Dear: OF COURSE!

Bev Darling: now is that excitement for the ice cream or that you get to see your boy?

Richie Dear: Listen, Ice cream tastes great but I bet Eddie tastes better.

Bev Darling: beep beep Richy!

Bev Darling: that is my sweet innocent son you’re talking about! keep this up and i may not allow you two to date!

Richie Dear: But I love him so much it fucking hurts.

Bev Darling: i know you do!

Bev Darling: in all seriousness Rich, if i can figure out if Eddie likes you, do i have your permission to totally Cupid you two together!?

Richie Dear: I would never believe you. I would think it is a trick because you are a tricky trickster. Eddie would have to say it to my face or kiss me, whatever comes first.

Bev Darling: challenge accepted!

Bev Darling: now let’s go get ice cream and try to make it up to him about us skipping gym and smoking.

Richie Dear: Ok. But I have $0.00 in the bank soooo help.

Bev Darling: i got you hubby

Richie Dear: Bless you wife. I’ll make sure to give you a big kiss when I see ya.

Bev Darling: see ya soon and looking forward to it!

Chapter Text

** The Losers Club Chat **

Mikey Mike: Does everyone have their Secret Ninja gift prepared for Friday?

Bev: got mine!

Eds: Yesss, and it’s perfect!!

Benny Boy: Got mine as well, I love this time of year!!

Stan the Man: Of course I got a gift. What idiot would risk not having their gift ready?

Trashmouth: Inspiration hasn’t hit me yet!

Stan the Man: My question has been answered. I am shocked.

Trashmouth: I like to keep you on your toes, Stan the Man.

Big Bill: some of us had last minute changes but got it done

Bev: oh, what happened hun, you were so prepared?

Eds: No need to bring up irrelevant information Bill.

Big Bill: eddies right important thing is i have the gift

Big Bill: you got yours mikey

Mikey Mike: You know I do!

**Bev and Bill Chat**

Bev’s a Babe: so how come the last minute change in secret ninja?

Bill’s my Man: wasnt a fan of what i got

Bev’s a Babe: you told me you got the perfect gift weeks ago.

Bill’s my Man: change of heart almost like i got a completely different person

Bev’s a Babe: Eddie asked you to switch

Bill’s my Man: yupppppp

Bev’s a Babe: i see, now tell me hun, why did Eddie want to get Richie so badly?

Bill’s my Man: how did you know i had richie

Bev’s a Babe: you all are terrible at keeping secrets and come to me for gift ideas!

Bill’s my Man: i didnt come to you

Bev’s a Babe: the rest did so i know by deduction.

Bill’s my Man: fair but really it was me who wanted the person eddie got

Bev’s a Babe: false, Eddie got me and you hate gift shopping for me.

Bill’s my Man: what no i dont

Bev’s a Babe: you always psych yourself out with finding the perfect gift for me. even though you know i would love anything you got me. plus, i know the pack of nice cigarettes with a lighter you gave me two days ago was Richie’s secret ninja gift.

Bill’s my Man: i think you are reading too much into my nice gesture

Bill’s my Man: it was me babe i had the perfect gift idea for you and wanted to trade thats it

Bev’s a Babe: then why did Eddie go on a witch hunt and ask everyone who they got?

Bill’s my Man: because i had richie and he was trying to double trade

Bill’s my Man: for lack of a better term ‘duh’

Bev’s a Babe: not buying this Bill, maybe i should just ask Eddie why the switch.

Bill’s my Man: okay look he wanted richie cause he got a gift for him before the whole secret ninja thing

Bill’s my Man: why put out the extra money

Bev’s a Babe: he got a gift for Richie, in november i may add, even though we do secret ninja every year?

Bill’s my Man: dude is prepared

Bev’s a Babe: it’s not being prepared, he would have been relying on luck. that’s not like Eddie!

Bill’s my Man: why is this so important bev

Bev’s a Babe: it’s not, i just wanted to know why!

Bill’s my Man: you arent looking for why because you arent taking any of my reasons

Bill’s my Man: im not giving you the answer you want

Bill’s my Man: wait a minute

Bev’s a Babe: because your reasons are lies!

Bill’s my Man: babe do you know something

Bev’s a Babe: um…okay…

Bev’s a Babe: i may know something…

Bev’s a Babe: holy hell, Bill, do you know something?!

Bill’s my Man: what is it you think you know

Bev’s a Babe: i promised i wouldn’t say, but if you tell me what you know…

Bill’s my Man: i also promised i wouldnt say

Bev’s a Babe: Bill just spit it out, we shouldn’t have secrets between us, that’s not part of a healthy relationship!

Bill’s my Man: i could say the same thing to you hypocrite

Bev’s a Babe: yes, but i said it first!

Bill’s my Man: if i tell you cant say anything to anyone

Bev’s a Babe: i promise

Bill’s my Man: im serious babe eddie would kill me dead

Bev’s a Babe: bill, come on! i won’t tell anyone, you know that.

Bill’s my Man: ok

Bill’s my Man: this may surprise you

Bill’s my Man: i had my suspicions but im also a writer who creates scenarios in my mind that may not necessarily be true

Bev’s a Babe: fucking tell me already!!!

Bill’s my Man: eddie has some more than friends feelings for richie

Bev’s a Babe: FUCK YES!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!

Bev’s a Babe: i told him, I told Richie it wasn’t in his head!!

Bill’s my Man: richie likes eddie

Bill’s my Man: he told you this

Bev’s a Babe: Richie tells me everything and yes, one of those things is he is head over heels in love with Eddie!

Bev’s a Babe: i can’t believe they both feel this way!

Bill’s my Man: how long have you known

Bev’s a Babe: um…5 years. i’m sorry, please don’t dump me.

Bill’s my Man: WAIT youve kept this secret the ENTIRE time we have been dating?!

Bev’s a Babe: oh my god…you used punctuation!

Bill’s my Man: thats how shook i am

Bill’s my Man: i am ruining my aesthetic for this!!

Bill’s my Man: eddie only told me a few weeks ago and i had to pry it out of him

Bev’s a Babe: well it’s Eddie, it’s easier getting a turtle to talk than him. unlike Richie, who won’t shut up ever.

Bill’s my Man: i cant believe richie felt this way for 5 years and has done nothing

Bev’s a Babe: he’s been flirting for five years, not his fault!

Bev’s a Babe: i can’t believe they both have feelings for one another and they’re still single.

Bill’s my Man: well my dear thats why they came to us because subconsciously they knew we would cave and confess then set a plan in motion

Bev’s a Babe: well you caved…

Bill’s my Man: details

Bev’s a Babe:..but you’re right! they obviously came to us for help whether they realize it or not. so operation ‘get these two losers in love together’ is a go!

Chapter Text

**The Losers Club Chat**

Eds: BILL!! SIMON ASKED ME OUT!

Mikey Mike: Eddie! That’s great!

Eds: Oh shit…I didn’t mean to message the group chat. Do you see how stress can negatively impact a person?!

Stan the Man: Are you going to say yes?

Eds: I…I don’t know…

Big Bill: thats crazy i knew simon thought you were hot but i didnt think he would actually ask you out

Bev: don’t talk about my son like that. Eddie is not hot.

Eds: Ouch Bev…

Bev: he is cute as a button!

Eds: Stoppppp, this really wasn’t meant to be a group discussion!

Benny Boy: It’s okay Eddie, it will be awkward but just let him down nicely!

Bev: i agree, you’re not ready for this step!

Mikey Mike: Why is my lil lamb letting him down nicely? He deserves this date! Simon is a good guy!

Benny Boy: Wait, I thought that’s what the problem is though? That he’s a guy?

Mikey Mike: Benjamin…what?

Bev: no my sweet Ben! the problem is he shouldn’t rush into things. They should be friends first…know the person well! a solid friendship is the building block of any great relationship!

Mikey Mike: Beverly…WHAT?!

Benny Boy: Wait just a second!!

Benny Boy: Eddie…umm…are you gay?!

Big Bill: ben dont tell me you didnt know

Eds: Ben…where the fuck have you been?

Eds: OF COURSE I AM GAY!

Benny Boy: Whaaat….you never told us!!!

Eds: I didn’t think I had too?! I thought it was really obvious!

Stan the Man: You have known him for five years and you could not figure it out?

Benny Boy: Well…it’s wrong to just assume! Wow, then you should definitely say yes and go on a date! How romantic!

Mikey Mike: I can’t believe you didn’t know Ben. I love how oblivious you are.

Bev: yes, it is very cute that Eddie was asked out on his first date. But don’t listen to Ben, he didn’t even know you were gay!

Benny Boy: I feel like I’m going to really suffer over this mistake.

Trashmouth: Why the fuck would you go out with Simon?

Eds: Sigh, and this was what I was dreading.

Eds: I didn’t agree yet Richie, it’s just…a thought!

Trashmouth: Just a thought? Well fucking unthink it. Simon’s the biggest wet blanket in our grade.

Eds: He is not! He is actually really…nice! You don’t have to be cruel!

Trashmouth: Honesty is not cruelty.

Bev: hey Rich, maybe dial it back a bit!

Bev: but Eddie think about it, Simon is nice, but he also is just that ‘nice’. don’t you want someone who gives you butterflies?! gets you excited!

Stan the Man: Beverly, why are you discouraging Eddie from going on his first date?

Mikey Mike: Seriously, just let my lil lamb go on a date and see what happens!

Bev: i’m not discouraging! i’m trying to tell Eddie he shouldn’t rush into it with the first guy who asks him out. don’t settle!

Big Bill: eddie is a big boy who can make his own decisions but i agree with bev he doesnt need to rush into anything

Bev: thank you hun! eddie just described Simon as nice! there was no talk of that excitement you get when someone you like actually likes you back! no spark = no chemistry!

Stan the Man: You are acting like either you want to go out with Eddie or you know someone else who wants to go out with him.

Bev: shut the fuck up Stan, i’m acting like a true friend who wants the best for Eddie.

Big Bill: if you break up with me for a gay boy i will be so pissed

Eds: OH MY GOD EVERYONE PLEASE WILL YOU JUST

Eds: UGHHHHHHHHH

Eds: Nothing has happened yet and look at you all. Can I just point out not one of you actually asked how I feel about the whole thing!?

Benny Boy: Sorry Eddie, and sorry for not realizing you were gay.

Bev: sorry Eddie, you’re right and i shouldn’t have disregarded your feelings.

Mikey Mike: Sorry, Eddie! Whatever you want to do. I support you!

Stan the Man: I am sorry.

Big Bill: sorry buddy

Trashmouth: Well, go ahead then. How do you feel about it?

Eds: I…well I…

Eds: ugh the one time you actually do what I ask!!

Eds: I’m confused, okay!

Trashmouth: Then don’t fucking do it.

Trashmouth: Either you know or you don’t know.

Trashmouth: That’s how liking a person works.

Eds: Alright, we are dropping this. I’m literally never telling any of you things ever again.

**Eddie & Richie Chat**

Rich ❤️: Got too real for you in the chat?

Eds ❤️: You think? What the hell was all that Rich?

Eds ❤️: “Either you know or you don’t know. That’s how liking a person works”

Eds ❤️: I expected teasing, sure…but seriously?!

Rich ❤️: You shouldn’t go out with Simon.

Eds ❤️: Why?

Rich ❤️: Why what?

Eds ❤️: Why shouldn’t I go out with him, Rich? You’re pretty settled on that answer and I want to know why.

Eds ❤️: Do you like Simon?

Rich ❤️: Eww, don’t insult me like that!

Eds ❤️: Can’t you be supportive of me?

Rich ❤️: I always support you!

Eds ❤️: Then fucking why Rich?

Rich ❤️: Because…just BECAUSE!

Eds ❤️: That’s not good enough!!

Rich ❤️: You deserve better that’s why!!

Rich ❤️: You deserve to have strong feelings for the person that asks you out.

Rich ❤️: You deserve someone who isn’t boring and mediocre.

Rich ❤️: Someone who makes you laugh so hard you cry.

Rich ❤️: Someone that listens to you and is there for you whenever you are hurt.

Rich ❤️: You deserve the fucking world, Eddie.

Rich ❤️: Good enough for you?

Eds ❤️: …wow…not where I thought this would go.

Eds ❤️: Well maybe, just maybe Simon can be all those things for me!

Eds ❤️: Maybe I should give him a chance!!

Eds ❤️: Maybe I’m just fucking blinded and so fucking confused because the real person I want to actually notice me just doesn’t!!

Rich ❤️: Who do you want to really notice you?

Eds ❤️: What? Oh God…No one.

Eds ❤️: I don’t know what I’m saying!

Eds ❤️: You are confusing me!

Rich ❤️: How am I confusing you? I’m being completely honest here.

Eds ❤️: That’s exactly why Richie, because you’re always so damn honest! Words can mean different things to different people. They can affect them more than you realize.

Rich ❤️: Sigh…just don’t go out with Simon. For me. Or if you do, I don’t want to fucking hear about it.

Eds ❤️: Why are you being like this?!

Eds ❤️: You know what, never mind I don’t fucking care. Fine Richie.

Rich ❤️: Fine Eddie.

Chapter Text

**Where is Eddie Chat - Bill, Bev, Ben, Richie, Stan, Mike**

Father Bill: well that was a disaster

Brother Stan: I blame Beverly.

Mother Bev: fuck you Stan! i was just looking out for Eddie!

Brother Stan: You put too much pressure on him.

Mother Bev: excuse me, i was the only one relieving him of pressure!

Grandpa Mike: Stanley, we are all to blame.

Brother Ben: Especially me *crying emoji*

Grandpa Mike: You are just guilty of having no gaydar, Ben. It’s ok.

Father Bill: i was the person he really wanted to text about simon so you all should have left him alone

Wannabe Lover: Fuck off. Take this somewhere else. I don’t want to fuckin talk or read about this bullshit.

Sister Ben: Someone is moody.

Wannabe Lover: Ben I swear to god.

Mother Bev: he made a bad joke, he didn’t know what he was doing Rich, ignore it. RUN BEN!

**Richie and Eddie are fighting...Again Chat - Bill, Bev, Ben, Stan, Mike **

Friend Guru Bev: i hate and love every time we have to come to this chat.

Therapist Bill: thats because you love drama

Friend Guru Bev: so true!

Adviser Ben: Yikes, that was terrifying!

Counselor Mike: Do you think Richie is alright?

Analyst Stan: No, he is definitely angry.

Friend Guru Bev: yeah, he didn’t tease Ben once about not knowing Eddie was gay! he gave up a teasing opportunity!

Adviser Ben: As much as I will still stand by ‘it could have happened to anyone’ Bev’s right.

Friend Guru Bev: no my sweets, it couldn’t have but thank you!

Adviser Ben: I just don’t get what made him so angry? Does he know Simon enough to hate him?

Analyst Stan: I do not think so. The only time I have seen Richie give Simon any attention is when he is trying to keep Eddie away from him.

Adviser Ben: Hmmm, okay you guys this may be a total reach. Like something so out there but just hear me out!

Counselor Mike: Let it out!

Adviser Ben: What if Richie and Eddie like one another!

Friend Guru Bev: 5 minutes ago you didn’t even know Eddie was gay and now you think Rich and Eddie are crushing on one another? that’s ridiculous!

Therapist Bill: that is totally out there ben where did that idea even come from

Adviser Ben: Just hear me out! Richie is clearly upset and it happened the moment Eddie sent the message that he was asked out. Rich wasn’t himself at all. Instead of his teasing, obnoxious self…he was strangely Stan like.

Counselor Mike: And Eddie went to Bill to ask what he should do, he didn’t want to involve the group!

Adviser Ben: Yes! Not because he might be teased for it but because this was more than just being asked out. He also seemed most tense when Richie entered the text and in the end when Rich asked what he wanted…he replied that he’s ‘confused’.

Adviser Ben: Why would he be confused by this, unless he had feelings for someone else?! Richie is jealous because he likes Eddie and doesn’t want Eddie to date, and Eddie is confused because he likes Richie but doesn’t think anything will happen between them.

Adviser Ben: So now he is wondering if he should just go on the date to try and get over Rich. BOOM!

Counselor Mike: Wow, I am shook.

Therapist Bill: when did you become some love detective ben

Counselor Mike: It is an interesting theory!

Friend Guru Bev: but it’s not a reality. come on, Eddie is just worried because it’s a big step and he worries over everything and Rich knows that. like me, Rich just doesn’t want Eddie to rush into anything. he clearly doesn’t want to go out with Simon.

Therapist Bill: here i thought i was the writer of the group that imagination will get you far in the writing world ben

Analyst Stan: Are we all going to ignore that Ben used my name as an adjective to describe Richie’s ‘weird’ behavior?

Counselor Mike: I actually think Benjamin may be onto something here!!

Adviser Ben: Thank you, Mike!!

Counselor Mike: I got you Ben!

Therapist Bill: i see where you two are going but stan is right

Adviser Ben: Thank you, Bill.

Adviser Ben: Wait, what?

Therapist Bill: you definitely used stans name as an adjective

Friend Guru Bev: we should spend time on that. what else is ‘Stan like’?

Analyst Stan: Bill and Beverly, you are acting strangely. We have two friends who are clearly going through something weird and you keep changing the subject.

Analyst Stan: Do you both know something?

Counselor Mike: Sherlock Stan on the case!

Therapist Bill: i think you guys are reading too much into things

Friend Guru Bev: yeah, let’s focus on trying to make Eddie and Richie stop fighting!

Adviser Ben: and become lovers!!!

Friend Guru Bev: what is your obsession with this Ben?

Therapist Bill: yeah ben why are you so obsessed

Analyst Stan: I was kidding before, but now I truly believe you two know something. You always joke about them being lovers.

Counselor Mike: The plot thickens and this is getting super interesting.

Therapist Bill: we are getting way off topic we are supposed to stop eddie and richie from fighting

Friend Guru Bev: yes, this is the point of this ‘horrible yet super fun’ chat. to help them be friends again and get our group dynamic back on track!

Counselor Mike: But also, are we going to ignore that Stan confessed to making a joke?

Analyst Stan: Thank you for the acknowledgment, Mike, I am hilarious.

Counselor Mike: Funniest person I know.

Adviser Ben: Does anyone realize how horrible we are at staying on task! How do we get anything done?

Counselor Mike: We usually don’t.

Counselor Mike: Alright, what I think we should do right now is let them cool off and check in tomorrow.

Adviser Ben: Do you think they will come to secret ninja?

Therapist Bill: they have each other so if they dont it wont affect us

Analyst Stan: You are the worst at keeping secrets, Bill.

Therapist Bill: i resent that

Friend Guru Bev: you have no idea.

Therapist Bill: and i resent that as well

*

Therapist Bill: so its been a day any word from the fighting infants

Friend Guru Bev: nope, this might be the longest Richie has gone without texting me.

Adviser Ben: It’s been less than 24 hours.

Friend Guru Bev: i miss him.

Analyst Stan: I tried texting Eddie but he blew me off. As for Dickhead, there is no point because he does not respond to my texts until his stupid Christmas Countdown is done.

Analyst Stan: I hate him.

Counselor Mike: No you don’t Stanley. You love Richie.

Analyst Stan: I would like to see the evidence to that statement.

Counselor Mike: You keep him around, that’s love enough.

Analyst Stan: He is my oldest friend. He was also my first friend, so at this point, he is part of the package in my life.

Adviser Ben: I don’t think I have ever heard how you two met.

Therapist Bill: they tell completely different stories

Friend Guru Bev: Richie claims in second grade Stan was sitting alone at recess and Richie made him play with him. apparently Stan fell for his charisma and charm.

Analyst Stan: He is the biggest imbecile.

Counselor Mike: What actually happened?

Analyst Stan: I was doing homework during recess and he came over to bother me because every other kid was worn out by his ‘charisma and charm’.

Adviser Ben: That sounds more likely.

Analyst Stan: It was unexpected and I tried to shake him off. I ignored every child back then because I was a year older than everyone. Richie was persistent though. He informed me that he would not leave unless we played ball together.

Friend Guru Bev: THAT IS THE CUTEST!

Therapist Bill: then you started riding your bikes home together

Analyst Stan: If you mean, Richie followed me home every day after school. Then, yes, we rode our bikes together.

Counselor Mike: And you could never shake him again.

Adviser Ben: I love this story so much.

Adviser Ben: Alright now I miss Richie.

Friend Guru Bev: it’s been less than 24 hours :p

Adviser Ben: Yeah yeah

Therapist Bill: well i miss eddie

Counselor Mike: Me too *crying emoji*

Analyst Stan: We are all pathetic.

Adviser Ben: Miss them too, Stanley?

Analyst Stan: I admit to nothing.

Therapist Bill: oh he does

Friend Guru Bev: well, let’s bother them once again tomorrow.

*

Counselor Mike: Still nothing from either of them.

Adviser Ben: It was uncool that they didn’t even message us about not coming to Secret Ninja.

Friend Guru Bev: they’re both such losers. i expected it from Richie, but not Eddie.

Counselor Mike: Eddie texted me earlier in the day to say he would not be able to help cook for it because he was feeling sick.

Adviser Ben: Oh, well if he is sick then that’s understandable.

Analyst Stan: “Sick”.

Friend Guru Bev: eddie does not lie.

Therapist Bill: more likely that he thinks he is sick

Friend Guru Bev: sick with emotions.

Analyst Stan: I elect Beverly and Bill to fix this.

Therapist Bill: eddie refuses to answer my texts

Friend Guru Bev: but that’s so much efforttttt.

Friend Guru Bev: Richie is the worst to deal with when he is mad.

Analyst Stan: I am only reading excuses.

Counselor Mike: You clearly know something we don’t. So it is your job to make this better.

Adviser Ben: I agree!

Therapist Bill: well then

Friend Guru Bev: ugh…

Analyst Stan: In fact, Mike, Ben, and I will not answer your texts until you do. Goodbye.

Counselor Mike: I love firm Stanley, so peace y’all.

Adviser Ben: I feel bad, but I’m also more of a follower. Sorry guys. Bye.

Friend Guru Bev: you are assholes.

Therapist Bill: bullies

Chapter Text

**Eddie and Bill Chat**

Big Bill: hey buddy…

Big Bill: im checkin on you since its been two days and you havent spoken to any of us

Big Bill: i know you are mad but if you want to talk we can

Eddie: I’m not mad Bill, I’m just…I’m so confused! I’m spiraling!!

Eddie: *Sends screenshot of Richie ‘you deserve’ texts*

Big Bill: holy shit when did he send those

Eddie: After I peaced out from the group chat.

Eddie: I’ve basically been in a weeping fetal position on my bed for the past two days.

Big Bill: your nicknames have hearts next to them

Eddie: BILL!

Big Bill: sorry fetal position continue

Eddie: I lied and told mom I am sick.

Big Bill: you lied to mike too

Eddie: DAMN IT BILL!

Big Bill: sorry continue

Eddie: Ma’s given me a first aid kit for a fake stomach ache! My stomach is in knots but that is about as sick as I actually am.

Big Bill: you need to get out of that house

Eddie: I’m not ready. I just want to watch movies like the notebook and realize I’ll never have a love like that. I just want to be a sad lonely loner.

Big Bill: oh dear god

Big Bill: can i come over and keep you company then

Eddie: I look like shit.

Big Bill: ive seen you covered in much worse

Eddie: You’re not wrong.

Eddie: I would love it if you came over. Please bring comfort food like ice cream!

Big Bill: sure see you in a bit bud

**Richie and Beverly Chat**

Bev Darling: hey dick, i’m coming over.

Richie Dear: No. Screw you.

Bev Darling: i gave you 2 days to cool off. i’m coming over then we’re smoking weed and drinking until we pass out.

Richie Dear: Fine. But you better buy me a pack of cigarettes too.

Bev Darling: already got a pack in my bag.

Bev Darling: now are you going to tell me what happened between you and Eddie.

Richie Dear: Nothing and I don’t want to talk about it. I am only agreeing to this to get drunk.

Bev Darling: ugh, I don’t like you hurting Richie. This is awful and it’s weird, you’re being very Stan like!

Richie Dear: Did you just use Stan’s name as an adjective to describe my behavior?!

Bev Darling: oh my god this is worse than I thought. you are becoming Stan 2.

Richie Dear:  *Sends screenshot of Richie ‘you deserve’ texts*

Bev Darling: well fuck Rich, that’s great! what did Eddie say?

Richie Dear: that maybe he could get all that shit from Stuart.

Bev Darling: do…do you mean Simon?

Richie Dear: Bev!!

Bev Darling: sorry, you’re right not important.

Bev Darling: how could he not realize you were talking about yourself?!

Richie Dear: What…no, I was just saying that because I want him to be happy and I know….

Richie Dear: Fuck it I was talking about me and then he pulled some crap on how the person he wants to notice him doesn’t.

Bev Darling: holy shit he did? do you think he meant you?

Richie Dear: I DON’T KNOW! I just feel so confused and I don’t know how to fix this, this all seems weird.

Bev Darling: it will be fixed, you two are best friends and it will all work out

Richie Dear: How do you know?

Bev Darling: because I’m mama Bev and mama Bev knows best…for now let’s get drunk and high!

Richie Dear: I like this plan.

**Beverly and Bill chat**

Bev’s a Babe: bill we have to fix this! the 7 losers have become like 3, 2, 1 and 1.

Bill’s my man: stupid stan and his ultimatum on fixing this

Bill’s my man: babe maybe we should just let it play out

Bev’s a Babe: no Bill, that’s a terrible idea. My poor small innocent son and my tall problematic son are in pppaaaiiiiinnnnn!

Bill’s my man: okay okay I dont like them hurting either im heading to eddies house now

Bev’s a Babe: okay I’m heading over to Richie’s. we can meet up after and trade notes and see how to fix this.

Bill’s my man: its just you and rich you want to try again

Bev’s a Babe: okay fair, we can meet up tomorrow and fix this when I’m not hungover!

Bill’s my man: for now damage control

Bev’s a Babe: that’s the spirit hun! Damage control!

Bev’s a Babe: ‘get these two losers together’ is on the road to be mended.

Bill’s my man: okay delete these texts

Bev’s a Babe: good plan, don’t want them to see and realize the plan.

Bill’s my man: yeah thats the reason

Bev’s a Babe: -.-

Chapter Text

The Thing of Evil: Have you ever thought about being nice to me for once in your miserable life?

Stanley’s Manly:That would be very hard.

The Thing of Evil:You know what else is hard? :p

Stanley’s Manly: Die

November 24, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Hey Stan the Mannnnnnn

Stanley’s Manly: What do you want, Richie?

The Thing of Evil: Guess what time of year it is?

Stanley’s Manly: The day after Thanksgiving, so what?

Stanley’s Manly: We went over this in the Losers group chat.

Stanley’s Manly: Wait a minute. Richie, you cannot do this to me again.

The Thing of Evil: Happy 31 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Shit.

November 25, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 30 Days Before Christmas!

Stan the Man: You understand that I am Jewish correct?

Stan the Man: We have been friends for a decade. You must know that much about me.

November 26, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 29 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Richie, this cannot be our only ‘topic’ of textual conversation until Christmas.

Stanley’s Manly: Richie?

November 27, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 28 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Happy 19 Days Before Hanukkah.

Stanley’s Manly: Two can play this game.

November 28, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 27 Days before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: I know you think this is frustrating for me, but it is not. This is a waste of time.

Stanley’s Manly: In other words: Stop it.

November 29, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 26 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Richie, this does not have to happen every year!

Stanley’s Manly: We can simple text like normal human beings.

Stanley’s Manly: Well, normal for us.

November 30, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 25 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: I never let typos slide and you completely ignored that I wrote “simple” instead of “simply”. How hard are you committing to this bit?

Stanley’s Manly: I know you do this just so I miss our usual text conversations.

Stanley’s Manly: Well, I do not, therefore, you should cease messaging me.

December 1, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 24 Days Before Christmas!

Stan the Man: You are such a putz.

December 2, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 23 Days Before Christmas!

Stan the Man: I will murder you in your sleep.

December 3, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 22 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: This is the worst bit ever.

December 4, 2017

The Thing of  Evil: Happy 21 days till Christmas

Stanley’s Manly: You seriously have me considering getting a new number to end this madness.

Stanley’s Manly: Maybe I will ask for it as a HANUKKAH present.

December 5, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 20 days before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: I will tell Eddie you did not find a new appreciation for Jesus and pray with Bev every afternoon. That in reality you two sneak off to smoke instead.

December 6, 2017

Stanley’s Manly: In all seriousness, I need to borrow your math notes. I barely paid attention in Calculus today.

The Thing of Evil: Happy 19 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Richie, please?

Stanley’s Manly: Fuck you, I’ll ask Eddie.

December 7, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 18 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: You do realize, it probably takes you 30 seconds out of your day to send these monstrosities. It may sound small but that means up to now, you have wasted 6 and a half minutes of your life sending Christmas texts to someone who is Jewish.

Stanley’s Manly: If you do continue with this absurdity, that will be a total of 15 and a half minutes of your life wasted. Think of what you could do with those precious minutes.

Stanley’s Manly:  Rich?

December 8, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 17 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: You know why Hanukkah is better than Christmas?

Stanley’s Manly: No awkward explanations of a virgin birth.

December 9, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 16 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Another reason Hanukkah is better than Christmas is that cheer is optional.

.

December 10, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 15 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: What I would give to end this madness.

December 11, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 14 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Would you end this cruelty for a trash bag full of candy?

Stanley’s Manly: What if I gave you free tickets to the movies?

December 12, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 13 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: I will refrain from expressing what just came to my mind, since it is the first night of Hanukkah. Just stating that fact in case you were interested. חנוכה שמח

December 13, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 12 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Richie! This is Eddie on Stan’s phone to say GIVE HIM A BREAK. I had no idea it was this bad. I though Stan was exaggerating. You are literally the most annoying turd.

The Thing of Evil: Hi Eds!! I miss you, come over tonight!

Stanley’s Manly: Stan back to say: Seriously?! You will answer Eddie’s texts and not mine?!

December 14, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 11 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly:  RICHIE WILL YOU PLEASE JUST STOP!

Stanley’s Manly:  YOU HAVE ME SO MAD I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS.

December 15, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 10 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: On the fourth day of Hanukkah, Richie gave to me useless information and rage.

December 16, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 9 Days before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: How about a little Hanukkah history for you stupid Gentile?

Stanley’s Manly: The eight-day Jewish celebration commemorates the rededication during the second century B.C. of the Second Temple in Jerusalem. According to legend, Jews had risen up against their Greek-Syrian oppressors in the Maccabean Revolt.

Stanley’s Manly: If only I could rise against my oppressor, Richie Tozier.

December 17, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 8 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Hanukkah, which means “dedication” in Hebrew, begins on the 25th of Kislev of the Hebrew calendar. It usually falls in November or December.

Stanley’s Manly: Often called the Festival of Lights, the holiday is celebrated with the lighting of the menorah, traditional foods, games, and gifts.

December 18, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 7 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: According to the Talmud, one of Judaism’s most central texts, Judah Maccabee and the other Jews who took part in the rededication of the Second Temple, witnessed what they believed to be a miracle.

Stanley’s Manly: You know what else would be a miracle? If I could get you to stop these texts.

December 19, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 6 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Even though there was only enough untainted olive oil to keep the menorah’s candles burning for a single day, the flames continued flickering for eight nights, leaving them time to find a fresh supply.

Stanley’s Manly: This wondrous event inspired the Jewish sages to proclaim a yearly eight-day festival.

Stanley’s Manly: There, you got a crash course on this holiday.

December 20, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 5 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: Happy last day of Hanukkah, but I still have 4 more days of torment.

December 21, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 4 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: God, I know I am apart of your chosen people, but could you choose somebody else for a change?

December 22, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 3 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: I can’t express how much I just don’t care.

Stanley’s Manly: I have lost my ability to care.

December 23, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Happy 2 Days Before Christmas!

Stanley’s Manly: At this point, I accept my fate.

December 24, 2017

The Thing of Evil: Merry Christmas Eve!

Stanley’s Manly: Thank fuck. The torture is almost over.

December 25, 2017

The Thing of Evil: MERRY CHRISTMAS STAN THE MAN!

Stanley’s Manly: …Merry Christmas, Trashmouth.

The Thing of Evil: THERE IS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR!

Stanley’s Manly: I hate you.

The Thing of Evil: Go open it!

Stanley’s Manly: Fine.

Stanley’s Manly: Richie, wow, you got me an encyclopedia of the world’s birds? Also, 8 packages of different teas!

The Thing of Evil: Those are your belated Hanukkah gifts. I had to commit to my bit.

Stanley’s Manly: This is actually incredible.

The Thing of Evil: Thanks for being the best friend I could ever ask for! And sticking with me the longest.

Stanley’s Manly: That’s so nice of you to say, Rich. Thank you.

The Thing of Evil: I mean it, I love you man.

Stanley’s Manly: I love you too, brother.

Stanley’s Manly: Alright, say something inappropriate to get us back on track.

The Thing of Evil: Although your speech was fucking GOLDEN insulting the adults in this town. I’ll be forever disappointed that you didn’t have to show the congregation your nuts at your Bar Mitzvah.

Stanley’s Manly: I missed this.

Stanley’s Manly: Also, beep beep you fucking creep.

Chapter Text

Rich ❤️: Hey…

Eds ❤️: Hey.

Rich ❤️: Your secret santa gift to me is amazing. I have now listened to “Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel 20 times. A mix CD was perfect.

Eds ❤️: Your secret santa gift is….You are just the biggest idiot ever!

Rich ❤️: My gift was very thought out, I’ll have you know.

Eds ❤️: It was sweet Rich, literally a jar filled with kiss chocolates.

Eds ❤️: Not to mention the note on the outside of the jar. “Have a kiss on the days that I can’t give you”. Like I said, biggest idiot to walk this planet.

Eds ❤️: Thank you though, really.

Rich ❤️: There is an inscription on the bottom of the jar, too.

Eds ❤️: There is? I’ll check it now, hold on.

Eds ❤️: “No matter what we go through, I am always beside you.” Is that from something?

Rich ❤️: My brain. Copyright pending

Eds ❤️: Wow…That’s really nice, Rich!

Rich ❤️: Ok but seriously I love your gift so much.

Eds ❤️: I’m happy you like it. Spent fucking forever picking the right amount of songs you have and haven’t heard.

Rich ❤️: “Your Song” by Elton John made me cry.

Rich ❤️: And I don’t fucking cry.

Eds ❤️: I’m sorry it made you cry but it makes me think of you, so it had to go on!

Rich ❤️: I think I have literally said if I had money I’d buy a big house where we could live together.

Eds ❤️: Haha if that ever happens I am in charge of decor.

Rich ❤️: Oh please, you are picking the fucking house. I am just putting down the payment.

Eds ❤️: I can work with that!

Eds ❤️: Rich…I’m sorry.

Rich ❤️: No Eds, I’m sorry.

Eds ❤️: You were right, I was agreeing to go on a date with Simon for all the wrong reasons. You were looking out for me…I snapped and I shouldn’t have.

Rich ❤️: Eds, you literally did nothing wrong. I was being the biggest asshole. I honestly don’t know why you stay friends with me because I have been sitting the past 3 days and reading what I texted to you and HATING MYSELF.

Eds ❤️: Richie please don’t. You were right, I do deserve all those things and if it wasn’t for your honesty then I probably would have wasted my first date.

Eds ❤️: It should be with someone…well someone who is important and I like that way! What I mean to say is, thank you!

Rich ❤️: I can’t believe you are thanking me for ruining your chance to go on a first date. Again I say, WHY DO YOU STAY FRIENDS WITH ME?!

Eds ❤️: Rich get this in that thick skull of yours, you didn’t ruin anything, you kept me from making a mistake!

Rich ❤️: I want you to be happy. And I know I caused a lot of pain for you the past couple of days. I sure felt like shit. I can’t stand for you to be anything other than happy.

Eds ❤️: I stay friends with you because you’re funny, smart and so sweet. No matter what, you would do anything for your friends. You’re someone I count on and trust fully!  And talking again makes me so happy.

Rich ❤️: I feel like you would stay friends with me even if I killed somebody.

Eds ❤️: They probably deserved it. And I would help you hide the body.

Rich ❤️: Thank fucking god for you.

Eds ❤️: I know, what would you do without me.

Rich ❤️: I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.

Eds ❤️: Honestly, same here!

Rich ❤️: I’ll need to thank Beverly for telling me to put your gift on your front porch.

Eds ❤️: That’s weird…Bill told me to do the same for you.

Rich ❤️: Do you think they planned that?!

Eds ❤️: Oh most definitely.

Rich ❤️: Bastards. But I love them.

Rich ❤️: You know…I could take you on your first date.

Eds ❤️: I know this is just a joke, or some guilt thing…

Eds ❤️: but to tell you the truth the idea of my first date with my best friend, sounds surprisingly amazing.

Rich ❤️: Wait…seriously?!

Rich ❤️: OH MY GOD EDS! NOW WE HAVE TO PLAN OUR DATE!

Eds ❤️: Oh…Ok, um…movies?

Rich ❤️: If you consider that a first date then we have been on 100s of first dates.

Eds ❤️: You’re right. That was dumb. Especially, since you always pay for my movie tickets too. Like we’ve basically been on movie dates.

Rich ❤️: If I don’t pay YOU WON’T GO!

Eds ❤️: Because you always make me see scary movies!

Rich ❤️: Yeah, so you cling to me the whole time.

Eds ❤️: …Sneaky bastard.

Rich ❤️: They are my favorite kind of movie! It’s also so I can hold your hand when I’m scared.

Eds ❤️: Gay

Rich ❤️: I know you are but what am I!

Eds ❤️: Bisexual

Rich ❤️: Got me there.

Eds ❤️: You’re so dumb haha

Eds ❤️: Rich, I really missed you over these days! Promise me when you are being an idiot and I’m being….less right. We will talk about it and not be dumb and spend days not talking! This was ridiculous!

Rich ❤️: “Less right” = also an idiot

Rich ❤️: I promise to not stop talking to you like that ever again. It was excruciating anyway.

Eds ❤️: Also our first date should be at the quarry because that was where Bill first officially introduced us!!

Rich ❤️: WOW! First date at the quarry is romantic as hell.

Eds ❤️: For now though, do you want to come over? Ma isn’t here. You can have some kisses!

Rich ❤️: Literally getting in my car and coming now to give you all the kisses.

Eds ❤️: Chocolates I mean, kiss chocolates.

Rich ❤️: I’ll give and take both.

Eds ❤️: Yeah yeah. See you soon doofus.

Chapter Text

Trashmouth: MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Trashmouth: Eds and I made up.

Bev: proof or it didn’t happen.

Bev: merry christmas kids

Trashmouth: *Sends a photo of Richie cuddling a sleeping Eddie* I am putting this on instagram.

Bev: SCREAMING!!! Are you finally lovers?!

Trashmouth: What? No, no. Haha. We just fell asleep in his bed talking until 7:00 am and this is the position I woke up in.

Stan the Man: Christmas is for losers but this was an excellent Christmas gift.

Big Bill: merry christmas to my losers seeing that photo has cleared my skin grown my crops my grades are up and the sun is shining

Mikey Mike: It is a Christmas miracle!

Benny Boy: Merry Christmas beautiful humans!!!

Benny Boy: Eddie is going to be so mad when he wakes up to that picture but it is too perfect.

Stan the Man: I am glad Beverly and Bill fixed it.

Trashmouth: Hey! How do you know Eddie and I didn’t fix it ourselves?

Mikey Mike: Did you fix it yourselves?

Trashmouth: No…

Stan the Man: That is what I thought.

Mikey Mike: Where is Eddie’s Mom?

Trashmouth: She went to his aunt’s yesterday and Eddie is supposed to leave around noon to get there…but he is still asleep in my arms. *heart eyes emoji*

Bev: What did Eddie give you for Secret Ninja?

Trashmouth: A MIX CD WITH 20 BEAUTIFUL SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF US!

Benny Boy: That is so sweet!

Trashmouth: Wait…he’s awake and looking at his phone.

Trashmouth: Brb he’s yelling at me.

Big Bill: bev what did richie give eddie for secret ninja

Bev: jar filled with kisses candy and a note saying “have a kiss on the days that I can’t give you”.

Mikey Mike: There has never been a more Richard gift to Edward in…ever.

Eds: Merry Christmas my friends. I was busy taking out the trash.

Benny Boy: Oh my god. It happened. Eddie killed Richie.

Mikey Mike: I thought for sure Stanley would have been the murderer.

Stan the Man: I thought it would be me.

Mikey Mike: NICE

Stan the Man: *fist bump emoji*

Mikey Mike: *fist bump emoji*

Trashmouth: He threw me out of the house. Worth it. Merry Christmas to all!

Chapter Text

**The Losers Club**

Trashmouth: I always wonder what it would be like to live as a jungle man.

Benny Boy: Like Tarzan?

Eds: Disney Tarzan or Alexander Skarsgård?

Eds: Both are so fucking sexy.

Bev: AGREED!

Trashmouth: I’ll be your Tarzan, Eds. *kiss emoji*

Eds: You are no Skarsgård.

Trashmouth: Hurtful

Mikey Mike: 5 things you would bring if you were stuck in the wild for an undetermined amount of time?

Trashmouth: Eddie, radio, fishing net that doubles as a hammock, a hunting dog, and axe

Eds: The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Dental Hygiene Device, A big ass coat for bad weather, Natural Insect Repellent, and First Aid Kit.

Trashmouth: WHAT ABOUT ME?!

Eds: It would be impractical to bring you. You would use up my whole first aid kit with your clumsiness.

Benny Boy: This is too stressful to answer. Why are we stuck in the woods?!

Eds: Richie

Bev: Rich.

Big Bill: trashmouth

Stan the Man: Richie.

Benny Boy: Checks out!

Trashmouth: I would defend myself but honestly, we all know it would be my fault.

Big Bill: pen notebook metal pot knife fishing rod

Bev: mirror, knife, tent, matches, cigarettes.

Big Bill: we would die the first week bev

Bev: we literally would. haha

Stan the Man: I would bring a water catchment/filtration system, a versatile knife, a compass, an insulated sleeping bag, a spark-producing ferro rod, and a small gauge gill net for creating an emergency food supply.

Mikey Mike: That is 6 Stanley.

Stan the Man: If I have to be stuck in the wild because of Richie, I am bringing all 6 items. I will find a way.

Mikey Mike: I would bring Eddie, William, Beverly, Stanley, and Benjamin.

Trashmouth: AGAIN WHAT ABOUT ME?!

Mikey Mike: You are the reason we are stuck in the wild so we left you behind.

Trashmouth: That’s fair.

Big Bill: how was everyones christmas minus stan

Trashmouth: Lame without you all.

Big Bill: poor rich lets hang out today

Trashmouth: Please and thank you.

Eds: Literally every aunt pinched my cheek and said I am cute. I need to fight someone.

Trashmouth: I’ve said this before but they just know how cute you are, Eds.

Trashmouth: I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you.

Eds: Sometimes you’re really a shit, Richie. I will fight you in all my 5’5 glory!

Big Bill: richies 6 foot ass deserves it

Bev: BEN GAVE ME AN INCREDIBLE CHRISTMAS GIFT!

Bev: *Sends picture of infinity shaped necklace gift*

Eds: That’s beautiful!

Trashmouth: Shit, Benny Boy’s got great taste.

Bev: HE MADE IT!

Benny Boy: It’s not that big of a deal.

Big Bill: you made that

Big Bill: damn giving my girlfriend a better christmas gift than me sure makes me look great ben

Benny Boy: Oh nooo….that’s not what I meant

Bev: i love both gifts!

Trashmouth: Bill got you a scented candle for when you smoke weed.

Trashmouth: Ben MADE you an infinity necklace.

Trashmouth: Yeah…they are obviously equally great. *roll eyes emoji*

Eds: Shut the fuck up Rich!

Eds: Do not compare gifts. It’s all very sweet and both are great in different ways!

Stan the Man: An infinity symbolizes time looping back and endlessly over itself. It represents the conjoining and equality between male and female. It also represents unity between two people.

Eds: Wow…that’s symbolic!

Benny Boy: I had no idea! I just like infinity signs and thought Bev would too!

Trashmouth: Funny how you can name off the founding families of Derry, Maine but don’t know what an infinity sign stands for.

Benny Boy: We all have our things Richie! Everyone is reading a lot into some shape!

Mikey Mike: I’m more offended that Benjamin didn’t make me a Christmas gift.

Mikey Mike: I thought I was your favorite.

Bev: how dare you, mike.

Mikey Mike: The gift was obviously meant for me and Beverly should hand it over.

Bev: it is mine back off.

Eds: Do you take orders Ben? You can definitely sell those!

Trashmouth: You don’t need to get me jewelry Eds!

Eds: Listen, you already got a personal mix CD from me. That’s as good a gift as you’re ever going to get.

Trashmouth: I feel truly blessed.

Trashmouth: Also, since Eds and I weren’t talking to anyone for like 3 Days…and missed the Secret Ninja party. What did everyone give each other?

Bev: Forever mad at you two for blowing us off like that!

Eds: Look, I was sick.

Stan the Man: “Sick”.

Eds: Screw you Stan.

Benny Boy: Bev gave me Moana on DVD!

Stan the Man: I was given binoculars by Ben. Also, a 30 minute ‘Shut Up, Richie’ coupon.

Eds: HAHAHAHA! Richie, you agreed to that?!

Trashmouth: Yep, but it came at a high price.

Big Bill: what

Trashmouth: It’s a secret.

Big Bill: thats dumb

Mikey Mike: Stanley got me a plant book for exotic flowers!

Stan the Man: We should definitely try to plant a couple.

Mikey Mike: Do you like gardening?

Stan the Man: I have never done it.

Mikey Mike: WE ARE DOING IT THIS WEEKEND BEFORE NEW YEARS!

Stan the Man: That sounds great!

Big Bill: mike got me art supplies and some new writing pens

Big Bill: ive already started using the pens and they are great

Mikey Mike: Yay!

**Stan and Bill Chat**

Grammarless Bill: were you serious about those infinity facts in the chat

Policeman Stan: I am always serious.

Grammarless Bill: is it wrong to be uncomfortable that ben made such an intimate gift for my girlfriend

Policeman Stan: Anything you feel is valid, Bill. It may not be accurate to the situation but you feel what you feel.

Grammarless Bill: thanks for that stan but i mean it in a way if you think i should be worried

Grammarless Bill: or if its just in my head

Grammarless Bill: bev seemed to really like the gift and it was awesome

Policeman Stan: Bill, everything is going to be alright.

Grammarless Bill: i always feel like they relate way better to each other

Grammarless Bill: they have more similar interests than we do

Grammarless Bill: oh my god shes going to leave me and then marry ben and adopt a son and name him david

Policeman Stan: Ben and Beverly would never name their son David.

Grammarless Bill: im happy i came to you with this problem

Grammarless Bill: you really keep it logical

Grammarless Bill: what should I fucking do stan do you think im overreacting

Policeman Stan: Yes.

Grammarless Bill: yes what

Policeman Stan: Yes, you are overreacting.

Grammarless Bill: what if something is already happening between them

Grammarless Bill: oh god im gonna have to fight ben

Policeman Stan: Please do not fight, Ben. You will win and it will be a nightmare to clean up.

Grammarless Bill: a duel for the hand of the maiden

Policeman Stan: She is hardly a maiden. If you are worried, here is an idea, talk to Beverly. I hear that is what people in relationships do.

Grammarless Bill: i have talked to her about this

Grammarless Bill: she doesnt believe he is in love with her but he totally is

Policeman Stan: Get a fucking grip, Bill!

Policeman Stan: You are going to become a sad, pathetic boyfriend if you keep this up.

Grammarless Bill: wow okay youre right

Grammarless Bill: youre mean but right

Policeman Stan: I know I am.

Grammarless Bill: now i know how richie feels

Policeman Stan: You are far from the Richie treatment, that was me being nice.

Grammarless Bill: well thank you for taking it easy on me then

Policeman Stan: Yes well, I like you.

Policeman Stan: Richie, I still question if I like him or if I have just known him for too long that I can’t get rid of him. He is like an annoying little chihuahua.

Grammarless Bill: bens like an annoying corgi

Grammarless Bill: except corgis arent annoying just adorable

Policeman Stan: Bill, I know we have this fight every day but I hate it when you do not use proper punctuation.

Grammarless Bill: no one has time for that grammar police

Policeman Stan: It is the difference between: “It’s time to eat, Grandma.” or “It’s time to eat grandma.”

Grammarless Bill: let me live my aesthetic

Policeman Stan: Also, you are an incredible writer! Why would you treat the English language this way?

Grammarless Bill: when i write i have to spend hours upon hours editing i refuse to do that over text just out of principle

Policeman Stan: Can you at least give me periods after sentences? For example, Beverly never capitalizes sentences but at least she will end a thought with a period.

Grammarless Bill: we all have our things stan for example your obsession over punctuation and grammar let me live

Policeman Stan: “We all have our things Stan; for example, your obsession with punctuation and grammar. Let me live!” See, now the sentence is acceptable to anyone who knows the English language.

Grammarless Bill: oh my god

Grammarless Bill: im glad we had this chat and i didnt go to someone more sympathetic like mike

Policeman Stan: Mike would have been way more help. You should have gone to him.

Grammarless Bill: no kidding

Chapter Text

**Eddie and Richie Chat**

Today 12:48 AM

Eds ❤️: I cannot believe that just happened.

Eds ❤️: Literally, I cannot breathe right now.

Rich ❤️: I love taking your breath away.

Eds ❤️: SHUT UP AND BE SERIOUS FOR 5 MINUTES!

Eds ❤️: Did that kiss mean anything to you?

Rich ❤️: Eds…

Eds ❤️: Or was it a heat of the moment thing.

Rich ❤️: Eddie…

Eds ❤️: Because if it was, that is totally ok. I understand if you want to remain friends. There is no pressure on my end for anything.

Rich ❤️: STOP EDDIE! That kiss meant the world to me.

Eds ❤️: Seriously?

Eds ❤️: Thank god.

Eds ❤️: Really though?!

Rich ❤️: Are you kidding me? I have been wanting to do that since we were 13.

Eds ❤️: Richie, don’t exaggerate.

Rich ❤️: No, but actually, I have had a crush on you since we were 13.

Eds ❤️: Oh my god, really?…wow.

Rich ❤️: Does that weird you out?

Eds ❤️: Not at all! I have definitely liked you for about that long too. I didn’t really realize it until high school.

Rich ❤️: That’s because you push your true emotions down all the time instead of expressing them like I do.

Eds ❤️: True…but you wear your emotions on your sleeve which makes everyone uncomfortable.

Rich ❤️: I don’t understand the concept of “uncomfortable”.

Eds ❤️: Yes, Rich, I am well aware.

Eds ❤️: But we are getting off track here.

Eds ❤️: So that kiss meant something to you and it meant something to me. What do we do now?

Rich ❤️: Date, duh.

Eds ❤️: Just like that?

Rich ❤️: Just like that.

Eds ❤️: We go from best friends to boyfriends.

Rich ❤️: Boyfriends, lovers, whatever you want to call it.

Eds ❤️: We are not calling ourselves lovers ya freak.

Rich ❤️: But I am your freak.

Eds ❤️: Wow…I guess you are.

Rich ❤️: Now I can ask if when you texted me “the real person I want to actually notice me just doesn’t” Did you mean me?

Eds ❤️: of fucking course I did!

Rich ❤️: You are the cutest. I want to kiss you again.

Eds ❤️: Keep it in your pants.

Eds ❤️: So when you wrote all those “you deserve the world” texts, did you mean me?

Rich ❤️: YES AND I AM SO MAD YOU DIDN’T GET THAT I LIKED YOU FROM THAT.

Eds ❤️: You are never serious so when you all of a sudden were, I panicked and got confused!

Rich ❤️: Typical Eddie Spaghetti

Eds ❤️: Fuck you.

Rich ❤️: Ok, meet me in the bedroom?

Eds ❤️: BEEP BEEP RICHIE

Rich ❤️: Should we tell everyone?

Eds ❤️: NOOOOOO…why would that even be a question?!

Rich ❤️: Um…why not?

Eds ❤️: It’s too fast!

Rich ❤️: Explain.

Eds ❤️: So what if we date and it doesn’t work out and we start to hate each other and cannot go back to being friends but we have told everyone so they all have to pick sides and we ruin the entire friend dynamic.

Rich ❤️: That fucking imagination of yours.

Rich ❤️: Bill and Bev never worried about that.

Eds ❤️: We are not Bev and Bill.

Rich ❤️: Thank god. Who would want to be straight?

Eds ❤️: Not what I meant but TRUE.

Eds ❤️: And my Mom, Rich…you know I’m not out to her because I fear I’ll give her a heart attack. The more people who know, the faster it will get to her.

Rich ❤️: Sigh, I guess I do understand what you mean. *sad face emoji*

Rich ❤️: Can I tell Bev?

Eds ❤️: NO RICH! No one!

Rich ❤️: But she was the first person I told about having a crush on you and has been my support system for every time I got my heart broken!

Eds ❤️: I never broke your heart?!

Rich ❤️: It was like a slow death every time you said you didn’t want to be lovers.

Eds ❤️: I said “we were not lovers” not that I didn’t want to be lovers.

Rich ❤️: You are an idiot.

Rich ❤️: It felt good to say that to you for once.

Eds ❤️: I deserve that.

Eds ❤️: Listen, I am not going to tell Bill, who knows I have a crush on you. So you cannot tell Bev we are seeing each other.

Rich ❤️: THAT BASTARD KNEW YOU LIKED ME AND HE NEVER TOLD ME?!

Eds ❤️: Beverly never fucking told me and she knew for 5 years.

Rich ❤️: Fair. Oh god!

Eds ❤️: What?!

Rich ❤️: Beverly is texting me and asking if anything happened! What do I say?

Eds ❤️: That we just talked!

Rich ❤️: Okay…I can do this.

Eds ❤️: You got this Rich.

**Beverly and Richie Chat**

Richie Dear: Locking Eds and I in the garage was a cheap trick.

Bev Darling: you were nervous to kiss him in front of us. so do it now you shit brick!

Today 1:00 AM

Bev Darling: SO?!!!

Richie Dear: So what?

Bev Darling: did anything happen?!

Richie Dear: You’ll have to be more specific. Did anything happen when?

Bev Darling: oh my god, Richie! don’t be an asshole. did anything happen while you and Eddie were alone?!

Richie Dear: Oh that. Nope! We just talked.

Bev Darling: seriously?! that’s so annoying.

Richie Dear: Eh, it’s fine. Maybe next time. And will you grab me a beer from the fridge?

Bev Darling: get it yourself, i’m not your butler.

Richie Dear: But you’re my wife and closer to the kitchen.

Bev Darling: and i’ll divorce you if you treat me like your personal maid.

Richie Dear: We can’t divorce!! What will the children think?

Bev Darling: Richie Dear, i think it’s time you knew that i am having an affair with Bill.

Richie Dear: YOU ARE TEARING ME AND THIS FAMILY APART DARLING!

Richie Dear: But that’s ok, I’m gay for Eds.

Bev Darling: understandable he is a cute bean!

Richie Dear: Back to the subject of getting me an alcoholic beverage. You locked me in a garage. GET ME A BEER WOMAN!

Bev Darling: FINE DICK

**Eddie and Richie Chat**

Rich ❤️: Alright, she doesn’t suspect a thing.

Eds ❤️: Great, what did you tell her?

Rich ❤️: That we just talked and I am gay for you.

Eds ❤️: WHAT?!

Rich ❤️: Relax, that’s a normal thing for me to say to her.

Eds ❤️: You are so fucking embarrassing.

Eds ❤️: But I’m gay for you too.

Rich ❤️: That is the sexiest thing you’ve ever texted.

Eds ❤️: Shut up, I’m not sexy.

Rich ❤️: I don’t think you have seen yourself. Your face was literally sculpted by angels.

Eds ❤️: Damn Rich...

Rich ❤️: With an ass designed by God herself.

Eds ❤️: I will kick your ass if you don’t shut the fuck up.

Rich ❤️: Hawt

Eds ❤️: Richie, stop looking at me while you text.

Rich ❤️: Why?!

Eds ❤️: They are going to suspect something.

Rich ❤️: No they aren’t. I always look at you.

Eds ❤️: You are unbearable.

Eds ❤️: Oh shit oh shit oh shit! Bill is texting me.

Rich ❤️: He’s sitting right next to you.

Eds ❤️: He wants to know if something happened!!

Rich ❤️: Just repeat our cover story!

**Eddie and Bill Chat**

Eddie: Fuck you Denbrough

Big Bill: your phone autocorrected thank to fuck

Eddie: I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK IN THIS GARAGE!

Today 1:12 AM

Big Bill: hey buddy anything you want tell me

Eddie: What do you mean?

Big Bill: come on between you and rich when we locked you in the garage

Eddie: NOTHING OKAY, WE JUST TALKED!

Eddie: QUIT BADGERING ME!

Big Bill: umm

Eddie: My caps lock key is stuck...I'm chill.

Big Bill: eddie are you sure youre okay

Eddie: Yes. Everything is cool, Richie and I are good. It's all bitchin.

Big Bill: okay bud

Big Bill: random question how much have you had to drink

Eddie: You know me Billy Boy, I’m a lightweight.

Eddie: Mom’s calling gotta jet!

**Eddie and Richie Chat**

Rich ❤️: Where did you go? Why’d you get up and leave?

Eds ❤️: I ran for it Rich, I totally freaked out! I faked a mom call and I'm now hiding in the closet.

Rich ❤️: Is that a poetic statement or are you telling me you want to make out again?

Eds ❤️: Richie!!

Rich ❤️: I'm sorry, come out of the closet. We can just sit on the couch and talk.

Eds ❤️: I’m a terrible liar. They will tell from my red face that I am hiding something.

Rich ❤️: Do I make you blush?

Eds ❤️: ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Rich ❤️: My ego can’t take this knowledge.

Eds ❤️: RICHIE!

Rich ❤️: Right! Focusing. Idea: we will go ask Ben to explain to us why Tangled was better than Frozen.

Eds ❤️: Everyone knows why

Rich ❤️: Yeah but at least this way no one will want to join the conversation, that will take hours. And we will have Ben around us so it doesn't look weird that I'll be by you the whole night!

Eds ❤️: You can be really sweet when you want too.

Rich ❤️: My heart just did a fucking backflip.

Eds ❤️: ❤️ We should also ask Ben why they should bring back the 2D Disney movies. That will REALLY get him talking.

Rich ❤️: GENIUS!

Eds ❤️: Alright, I'm coming out!

Rich ❤️: of the closet….Eds come on, we are having a moment and you're making it really hard to stay serious!

Eds ❤️: I know, it must be killing you and I couldn't be happier!

Eds ❤️: Oh and don't call me Eds!!!

**Bill and Beverly Chat**

Today 1:30 AM

Bev's a babe: did you text Eddie?

Bill’s my man: yupp

Bev's a babe: and??

Bill’s my man: nothing what did richie tell you

Bev's a babe: he said they just talked.

Bill’s my man: eddie said the same

Bev's a babe: do you believe them?

Bill’s my man: not for a second

Bill’s my man: eddie was far from calm and he said “bitchin”

Bev's a babe: that is weird

Bev's a babe: richie was strange too!

Bill’s my man: how so

Bev's a babe: he was very calm and tried to get off the topic of Eddie way too quickly.

Bev's a babe: that's like one of his favorite topics to discuss besides candy and planning to cause trouble.

Bill’s my man: okay so we agree they are hiding something

Bev's a babe: definitely

Bill’s my man: should we confront them

Bev's a babe: yes! how dare they keep an intimate secret quiet from us! where are they?

Bill’s my man: they are with Ben discussing tangled and frozen

Bev's a babe: they are going to be talking all night then.

Bev's a babe: okay….we'll discuss with them tomorrow

Bill’s my man: smart

**Men of the Year Chat - Ben, Mike, Stanley**

Today 1:35 AM

Marvelous Mike: Why is everyone acting weird?

Beautiful Ben: What do you mean?

Sexy Stan: I usually do not care but it is very suspicious.

Beautiful Ben: Also, why are we texting when you two are in the other room?

Marvelous Mike: Richie and Eddie were gone for 30 minutes and now they are talking to only Ben about Disney movies.

Beautiful Ben: They wanted to know why Tangled was better than Frozen and I’ll have you know they were very interested!

Marvelous Mike: Ben...

Beautiful Ben: We’ve moved onto 2D movies and...nevermind, I understand your point!

Sexy Stan: Beverly and Bill are texting each other about something.

Marvelous Mike: How do you know?

Sexy Stan: Bill side smiles when she texts him for any reason and Bev will look extra concentrated.

Beautiful Ben: Detective Stan, you amaze me with your observational skills.

Marvelous Mike: It’s always the quiet ones.

Beautiful Ben: So something is going on between Bill, Bev, Rich and Eddie?

Marvelous Mike: Yep, and it’s our job to find out.

Sexy Stan: Do we have to?

Marvelous Mike: Yes, get investigating Detective Stanley.

Beautiful Ben: Oh fun! It’s like Sherlock and Watson and...and….and a Ben on the case!

Sexy Stan: That was a wonderful analogy, Ben.

Marvelous Mike: Good ole Benjamin

Marvelous Mike: Let’s divide and conquer boys. One of us is bound to figure something out!

Beautiful Ben: On it! Calm, cool, collected. They won’t suspect a thing!

Sexy Stan: I regret this already.

Chapter Text

**The Losers Club**

Today 4:00 AM

Eds: I can’t sleep.

Eds: Is anyone awake?

Trashmouth: ME! Need me to come cuddle you to sleep?

Eds: No! I’m not a baby.

Trashmouth: You are my baby. *kiss emoji*

Eds: Now I really wish I could go back to sleep and ignore you.

Big Bill: what are you two doing awake at 4am

Trashmouth: Our resident insomniac speaks!

Big Bill: i was drawing when i heard my phone going off

Big Bill: sorry you cant sleep eddie welcome to my world

Eds: How many hours of sleep do you normally get a night?

Big Bill: eh 1-2 on a bad night 4-5 on a good one

Bev: babe i love you but fuck off i’m sleeping

Big Bill: true love right there

Trashmouth: Hey Wifey!! Eds can’t sleep and I was awake watching movies and Bill has insomnia. Join the party!

Bev: i though was textin Bill cause his ring tone was goin off. whoops.

Eds: Oh my god…what’s his ring tone?

Bev: im bringig sexy bck

Bev: sorry still waking up texting is hard.

Trashmouth: I WILL NOW SING THAT SONG ANY TIME I SEE BILL WALKING UP

Big Bill: if you do i will punch you

Trashmouth: Triggered. Damn.

Big Bill: mikey should be up soon we usually text in the mornings

Eds: Why?

Big Bill: he will have to feed the animals

Trashmouth: or ya know…kill them.

Bev: NO STOP! THIS IS WHY MIKE AND I ARE VEGETARIANS!

Eds: On and off vegetarians. Haha.

Trashmouth: That ain’t gonna stop them from being killed.

Eds: At least it’s a more humane farm.

Bev: all life is precious *crying emoji*

Big Bill: we know babe

Trashmouth: I strongly disagree. There are quite a few fucking politicians, world leaders, murders, bullies, and supermarket managers that I wouldn’t mind their deaths.

Eds: I fucking hate Belinda from the supermarket.

Bev: to be fair to Belinda, we were the ones causing problems.

Eds: I had to keep Richie entertained! He hates shopping.

Trashmouth: Oh man, I was laughing about that for the rest of the day.

Big Bill: you didnt need to put condoms in all the shoppers baskets

Bev: classic *cool emoji*

Eds: I felt bad about the one couple that got into a fight because they were waiting to have sex.

Trashmouth: I don’t understand wanting to wait. I want to jump Eds everyday.

Eds: BEEP BEEP RICHIE!

Bev: beep beep! Eddie is my innocent son!

Big Bill: beep beep richie

Trashmouth: Then Ben went up and apologized like the fucking weakling he is.

Bev: Ben is not weak! he’s just nice.

Big Bill: nah it was pretty pathetic to give away the prank

Eds: You guys gave him shit for it for weeks.

Big Bill: so did you eddie

Eds: Yes, but that’s because he stupidly pointed right at me as the one that put the condom in their basket.

Bev: Leave him alone! He can’t even defend himself.

Big Bill: when has he ever defended himself

Trashmouth: He defends us but never himself.

Bev: that’s it, i’m calling him and making him wake up to tell you all off!

Eds: I sincerely doubt he will defend himself, Bev.

Eds: Oh! I know how we can wake him up!

Eds: The Sky’s awake. So I’m awake.

Benny Boy: So we have to play!

Eds: Disney nerds unite!

Benny Boy: Bev says you are all talking trash about me.

Bev: tell em Ben!

Benny Boy: Perhaps take it to another chat since my heart can’t take such teasing.

Benny Boy: K thanks. ❤️

Bev: precious Ben. so soft in his confrontations.

Trashmouth: I never regret anything, but now I feel guilty.

Benny Boy: I still love you guys. I am kind of a push over. Lol

Bev: you are the nice one to balance out the rest of us.

Big Bill: wow defending ben and insulting the rest of us is rude

Bev: you didn’t let me finish, babe! he balances out Eddie’s fierceness, Richie’s lack of filter, Stanley’s sarcasm, Bill’s wit, Mike’s sweetness and my perfection.

Big Bill: i think you mean your sass

Bev: i’m going to kick you in the balls.

Trashmouth: Y’all are into weird shit.

Big Bill: i hate you richie

Eds: I love being called fierce.

Bev: a smol ball of energy and rage.

Trashmouth: Making our gay icons proud.

Mikey Mike: It is early for y’all!!

Mikey Mike: But we are complimenting Eddie, so great I’m on board.

Eds: Mikey!!! I love you man!

Mikey Mike: I love you too Eddie! You are my adorable lil lamb!

Trashmouth: How come Bev and Mike can call you small but I can’t?

Eds: Because I love them and hate you.

Big Bill: liar

Eds: You shut up Billiam.

Big Bill: ugh i hate that nickname

Trashmouth: It’s ok Billiam. I know Eddie secretly loves me.

Eds: You know nothing, Richie Tozier.

Bev: Mike and i say Eddie is smol in a loving way. you say it to make fun of him.

Eds: I miss the days when you were all an inch or two taller than me. Oh wait…that was never a thing.

Mikey Mike: We have all been several inches taller than you forever. Haha

Eds: NOT TRUE! Ben and Richie were only a couple inches taller in middle school.

Benny Boy: At least I am taller than Beverly.

Bev: by an inch!

Benny Boy: I treasure that one inch because then I am 3rd shortest. Lol

Bev: i think of you all as my height.

Eds: Mood.

Big Bill: you are both delusional

Trashmouth: Beverly…I’m 6’0 and you are 5’6. And Eddie! You’re 5’5!

Mikey Mike: And Stanley and I are 5’10 and Bill is 5’8. How are we the same height as you? Haha

Bev: shhhhhhhh

Eds: Accept it.

Stan the Man: Go to sleep you bastards.

Trashmouth: STAN THE MAN!!!! You live!

Stan the Man: Why the fuck are you all awake so early and texting the group chat?

Eds: Sorry, Stan. I couldn’t sleep.

Stan the Man: Now I cannot sleep shitheads.

Stan the Man: I should have put my phone on silent, damn it.

Bev: Ben’s poor virgin eyes!

Benny Boy: Hey…I curse…sometimes.

Trashmouth: Only when you get hurt.

Eds: Which usually happens if Richie accidentally hits him in the face with his elbow or he trips and smacks his head on something.

Benny Boy: I’m so clumsy.

Trashmouth: Me too.

Eds: That’s what you get for being lanky and huge.

Benny Boy: He never hits you in the face with his elbow!

Trashmouth: I would never hit the love of my life!

Eds: Stopppppppp it.

Stan the Man: Fucking hell, I cannot handle less than 8 hours of sleep. I hate you all.

Big Bill: at least it is saturday

Stan the Man: I am tutoring a kid later!

Bev: i’ve got a record store shift. you don’t see me complaining. woman up Stanley.

Stan the Man: Fuck you, Beverly.

Mikey Mike: I have never seen Stanley curse this much over text.

Stan the Man: I am sorry, Mikey. It is not aimed at you. You wake up early every morning.

Mikey Mike: He called me Mikey. ❤️

Big Bill: who are you and whatve you done with stan

Benny Boy: Get him coffee STAT!

Trashmouth: I thought I was the only one you use nicknames with!

Eds: Stan the legend and originator of Trashmouth.

Stan the Man: He started cursing so much when we were 9. I told him we should wash his mouth out with soap.

Big Bill: but you called him trashmouth after he insulted the bowers gang

Eds: That complete lack of a filter got Rich beat up the most.

Trashmouth: Being ugly with giant front teeth and huge glasses does not help my case.

Bev: husband...no

Eds: Richie, you are not ugly. Oh my god. You are so attractive. Stop it.

Trashmouth: Thanks babe.

Bev: unclear if that was babe at me or Eddie...

Trashmouth: ANYWAY, I didn’t mind getting beat up as much as when they fucked up my glasses. Mom would always give me a hard time.

Eds: And she never cared why your glasses were broken. Nevermind that I always had to bandage you up because your parents didn’t even bother.

Trashmouth: Dr. K loved making house calls for me.

Bev: at least you were never sexually assaulted by the Bowers gang on multiple occasions.

Trashmouth: I don’t know...Bowers had a boner once when he pinned me to the ground. He got off on torturing me. I felt violated by that.

Eds: I remember that! You were shaking and hugging me for hours.

Benny Boy: I wish I could go back in time and beat them up.

Stan the Man: I would pay to see Ben try and beat someone up.

Big Bill: jesus our convo just got so deep and dark

Mikey Mike: If anyone doesn’t want to talk about something please speak up friends.

Eds: It’s fine

Trashmouth: Whatever

Stan the Man: I have no problem with it.

Bev: i’m ok.

Big Bill: i mean i tell you guys everything

Benny Boy: I still have the H scar...I hate pain but might get a tattoo when I turn 18 to cover it.

Bev: Ben let’s get one together.

Benny Boy: I would love that.

Trashmouth: I WANT ONE TOO! Of Eddie’s face.

Eds: Absolutely not Rich!

Bev: Bowers and his gang really were just the most vile humans.

Stan the Man: Remember the time they pushed my face into the snow until I could not breathe?

Big Bill: you had to stay at my place until the bleeding stopped because it freaked you out so much

Bev: also fucking Greta Bowie the devil’s daughter.

Eds: Tell me about it. That one time when she locked me in a janitor's closet and said I belonged in there as a *insert gay derogatory slur I hate and makes me cry*.

Trashmouth: I found you there hours after school and that’s when you came out to me.

Eds: I needed some kind of control over my life and telling you felt like a fuck you to everyone who has ever insulted me for being gay.

Trashmouth: Fierce as fuck.

Stan the Man: At Sally Mueller’s party that we went to in 9th grade, Greta got me in spin the bottle then said she’d rather French kiss the dog instead of my Jew face.

Bev: her and Sally poured wet trash onto my head when i was smoking in the girl's bathroom before i met you all.

Trashmouth: You never told us she fucking did that!!

Bev: that’s why i was desperate for us to be smoking buddies because i wanted the extra backup.

Trashmouth: I will always be your backup wifey!

Eds: Stop smoking, you are killing your lungs.

Bev: *flip off emoji* good bring death faster.

Benny Boy: Bev no!

Big Bill: babe no

Trashmouth: *smoking emoji* *kiss emoji*

Mikey Mike: I am forever scarred from when Bowers tried to bash my head with a rock.

Bev: but that rock fight was LEGENDARY!

Trashmouth: I once in a while have dreams about how victorious I felt that day.

Benny Boy: Even though you got whacked in the head with a rock?

Trashmouth: I was well taken care of by Eds later. *wink emoji*

Eds: ...I cleaned and bandaged him up. You literally all saw me. THAT’S ALL I SWEAR.

Bev: Sureeeee it was.

Stan the Man: Whatever you say, Eddie.

Big Bill: i dont know eddie you two went off for a while after

Eds: I will hurt you all.

Benny Boy: We are certainly better off without those bullies.

Mikey Mike: I love you all so much. Rock fight was the day we became buddies.

Eds: Fucking sameeee. You light up my life friends.

Big Bill: so much love for my losers club

Bev: i wish i could hug and kiss you all right now.

Trashmouth: I want to make out with you all, I love you so much.

Benny Boy: LOVE YOU ALL!

Stan the Man: You are the biggest saps but I do love you.

Benny Boy: I know it is 5:00am but I want to see you all.

Big Bill: we could get coffee at the diner right now

Mikey Mike: It is where Bill and I have our morning coffee dates! Poor insomniac friend.

Big Bill: it is a burden i must live with

Eds: I'm already getting dressed, meet you losers there!

Bev: haha Eddie! okay, guess we are going for coffee. I’ll be in pajamas because fuck clothes.

Trashmouth: Extremely relatable statement, Bev.  I’ll pick you up Eds.

Eds: Sweeeeet!

Bev: me too!

Big Bill: also me im saving gas

Trashmouth: Fine fine fine. Anyone else?

Benny Boy: Me, haha.

Stan the Man: You monsters have to buy my coffee, damn it.

Mikey Mike: I got it Stanley!

Stan the Man: I want a donut too.

Mikey Mike: Of course. Lol

Stan the Man: Fine, I will come.

Mikey Mike: I’ll also pick you up on the way there.

Stan the Man: That sounds perfect. Thank you, Mikey.

Mikey Mike: Never getting over you calling me Mikey. ☺️

Stan the Man: Yes, yes just get in the car, please.

Chapter Text

**The Losers Club**

Mikey Mike: Hey my beautiful friends, I randomly had the pleasure of bumping into Richard and Edward at Swirl world. Would you all care to join in on the fun?

Eds: Yes, for the love of god please come join.

Big Bill: sure

Bev: sounds good, although…Eddie, why so desperate for us to join?

Stan the Man: I love their mint chocolate chip, I will head over when I am done tutoring this kid.

Benny Boy: Why did you go to an ice cream shop out of town?

Eds: Because Ben! Would you all stop with the third degree and just come?!

Benny Boy: I..I didn’t mean…I’m sorry!

Bev: don’t apologize Ben you’ve done nothing wrong. Eddie why so extra today?

Benny Boy: Shook!

Big Bill: shh ben its okay

Trashmouth: We wanted it to be convenient for Mike.

Stan the Man: And not invite him?

Trashmouth: Did you just begin a sentence with an ‘and’? Stan the man, that’s not accurate. Who are you and what have you done with Stan?!

Stan the Man: How dare you.

Bev: Wait no, Stan has a point! WHY WERE YOU TWO OUT ALL ALONE??

Big Bill: interrupted a date there mikey

Bev: this is why Eddie is freaking the fuck out!

Big Bill: michael hanlon date blocker

Eds: Eww stop, I told Richie to invite you all!

Trashmouth: WTF okay I see how it is Eds.

Eds: …I didn’t mean it badly.

Stan the Man: You were just disgusted at the thought of dating Richie. Although, I agree with you, how else should he take it?

Eds: What? No! I don’t know. I’m so confused…

Big Bill: that is some harsh rejection

Eds: ARE YOU ALL COMING FOR ICE CREAM OR FUCKING NOT?

Big Bill: well damn eddie someone hit a sore spot

Mikey Mike: This is getting out of hand. I just bumped into them. I’m sure they planned on telling us.

Eds: Thank you Mike!

Mikey Mike: They were definitely not on a date trust me, not with the way these two are dressed.

Eds: Exactly! Totally not on a date.

Eds: Wait, what’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?

Trashmouth: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU EVER! I WILL FIGHT YOU MICHAEL!

Benny Boy: Mikey is so seldomly savage but when he is, it’s so subtle!

Stan the Man: I live for it.

Big Bill: coming to meet you now anyone need a ride

Bev: your better half would love one!

Big Bill: you cant see but im shaking my head

Bev: thanks hun!

Stan the Man: I will meet you soon. I still have about ten minutes before I am finished up here.

Benny Boy: I’d love a ride Bill.

Big Bill: sure

Trashmouth: Awkward sauce.

Benny Boy: I’m confused.

Bev: why is that Richy?

Trashmouth: Don’t start that shit again.

Bev: what shit Richy?

Trashmouth: Bev I mean it!

Stan the Man: I am sensing an annoyed, Richy.

Trashmouth: Fuck off

Stan the Man: My time has come!

Trashmouth: Look what you’ve started Bev! Stan is using exclamation points!!!

Eds: Do you NOT like the nickname Richy??

Eds: It’s so cute though!

Trashmouth: Eds are you sure you want to start this? I have a bit of dirt on you that I am more than willing to share with the group.

Eds: Fuck You.

Trashmouth: Not in front of the kids EDDIE SPAGHETTI!

Stan the Man: Beep beep, Richy.

Trashmouth: Asshole

Eds: I’m just going to talk to Mike now.

Benny Boy: These conversations escalate at such a rapid pace!

Trashmouth: Just everyone hurry and get their asses here!

**Eddie and Richie Chat**

Eds ❤️: Do you think they suspected anything?

Rich ❤️: Oh my sweet boy.

Rich ❤️: “ARE YOU ALL COMING FOR ICE CREAM OR FUCKING NOT?” Could you be any less chill?

Eds ❤️: Me…what about you?

Rich ❤️: What about me Eds?

Eds ❤️: I don’t know…you’re right okay!

Eds ❤️: I panicked, you can’t expect anything less.

Rich ❤️: I know, it’s okay I got your back babe. ;)

Eds ❤️: God, I am really fucking bad at lying.

Rich ❤️: No shit. But it is so cute.

Eds ❤️: I’m sorry for throwing you under the bus, I just knew you could handle it better! I can’t believe we got caught!

Rich ❤️: I know. We may need to confess to being lovers.

Eds ❤️: Richie!!

Rich ❤️: Hey, don’t worry about it, Eds. It was Mike who spotted us, he’s too laid back to actually confront us about it! He even said in the chat it wasn’t a date.

Eds ❤️: What about Beverly?!

Rich ❤️: Bev just wants us to be together so badly she will keep going at it for every little thing!

Eds ❤️: You think?

Rich ❤️: I know!

Eds ❤️: I’m just way more on edge after Bill and Bev tried to get us to confess about New Years. I can barely lie through text let alone in person.

Rich ❤️: Yeahhhhh. It was hard to convince them.

Eds ❤️: You saved us when you lied and said we talked about family problems.

Rich ❤️: Unfortunately, we all understand having familial issues so I knew it would get them to back off.

Eds ❤️: I’m really not ready to tell them.

Rich ❤️: I knowwwwwww.

Eds ❤️: I hope you also know it has nothing to do with us being together. I like us figuring out our relationship together first.

Rich ❤️: So do I. I like having it just between us. ❤️

Eds ❤️: Also, it’s my paranoia about it getting to Mom. Less people who know…less chance it gets to her. I’m honestly so sorry.

Rich ❤️: Eds…I know! Please, don’t apologize, I will let you know if it bothers me. Stop worrying your pretty little head.

Eds ❤️: Okay, you’re right! It’s fine!

Eds ❤️: And don’t call me Eds.

Eds ❤️: OR LITTLE!

Rich ❤️: But I can call you pretty?

Eds ❤️: …if you must.

Rich ❤️: Bless my pretty boy.

Eds ❤️: I will fight you.

Eds ❤️: I guess Mike was normal at swirl world and Bev reads too much into everything. I suppose I shouldn’t worry.

Rich ❤️: Exactly!

Rich ❤️: But damn Mike cause that date was going so well before he interrupted it.

Eds ❤️: Haha. Yeah. All 30 minutes of it.

Rich ❤️: I will cherish those 30 minutes. So is this our first date or was the quarry one before we became a thing the first date?

Eds ❤️: I consider the quarry our first date but think New Years is when we can consider us DATING dating. Make sense? That night was perfect.

Rich ❤️: Perfect because we were together.

Eds ❤️: HOW ARE YOU SO SMOOTH AND YET THE BIGGEST IDIOT?!

Rich ❤️: I am what God made.

Eds ❤️: Also I apologize for saying ‘eww’ at the idea of dating you. It’s not, it’s actually amazing!

Rich ❤️: That’s okay, you just have to make it up to me!

Eds ❤️: Is that so. Haha

Rich ❤️: Yes! Now can I come and meet you so I can give you a kiss and end this date right?!

Eds ❤️: ...Okay! That’s how I will make it up to you.