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Todd’s entire world flips upside down on a dreary as fuck Tuesday— which is definitely the stupidest day of the week for that to happen.
It’s late afternoon when the woman enters their agency. She’s about ten years older than Todd and has had an obnoxiously bright smile plastered onto her face since she first caught sight of him. She barely spared a glance at Farah and entertained Dirk only long enough to explain her theory that her neighbour is conspiring against her and has replaced her innocent hamster with a demon from hell. So it’s about the usual. Case-wise, anyway. The complete focus on Todd is pretty new. Dirk seems particularly huffy about it, haughtily dismissing her after noting her information when she continued to pester Todd about how his job must be so exciting, he should definitely tell her some stories, and oh, he has the bluest eyes she’s ever seen! And blue’s her favourite colour.
Yeah. It’s easy to say that Todd is overflowing with gratitude about the encouraging push out the door.
But that’s not the end of it, because of course it’s not. Why would it ever be?
“Oh, yes, you’re right, I really should be going! Todd, dear, would you walk me out, please?” The woman – Samantha, she’d insisted – asks.
Farah hides a smirk as she ducks back down to stare at her computer screen while Dirk continues to glare blatantly from his desk. Todd can’t really blame him for his attitude. It’s his agency, after all, and he’s being pushed off to the side like he’s barely a contributor.
Samantha’s big brown eyes are filled to the brim with hope, and even though she’s been nothing but annoying since walking through the door, Todd figures it would be rude to crush that. Jesus, he really wishes they didn’t have to keep clients happy sometimes…
“Uh…” He shifts uncomfortably, but stands to comply. “Sure. Yeah.”
“Goodie!” she exclaims. She grips onto his arm as if she needs to be guided through their small building and proceeds to practically pull him out the door. The march down the stairs doesn’t have a chance to fill with awkward silence before she’s blabbing again. “Valentine’s Day is coming soon! Oh, don’t you love Valentine’s?”
Oh god. He’d really rather fight a demon hamster than have this conversation.
Todd throws on a fake, compliant smile. The type he’d used in customer service after his manager at a shabby, downtown café insisted he wasn’t approachable enough. “Not— not really.”
“No? Oh, why? Do you not have a special someone to spend it with?”
You want a reason? How about that it’s meaningless commercial bullshit that forces couples to be romantic on a single day by spending money on a bunch of expensive pink and red crap instead of doing something like… showing love every day like they should have been doing all along.
Ugh. Don’t scare the clients away.
“Yeah, I mean… haven’t really found the right person yet, I guess,” Todd lies. As if anyone could drag him into Valentine’s Day garbage.
Samantha coos like he’s some particularly adorable puppy. “And do you have an idea of one?”
“An… idea?”
“Yes! Of your dream person!”
It’s weird. He wants to say no. To make up some bullshit about how he’ll know them when he sees them. But almost immediately, an image of Dirk flickers into his mind, and his stomach does a somersault.
The horrible winter weather they’d just encountered is barely a concern for Todd’s rapidly warming skin. “Uh— no, no, there’s nothing. No one.”
Samantha smirks. “You’re blushing, love.”
Todd clears his throat. “I’m… no.”
“Sure, you’re not. Oh, you’re adorable.”
Ugh. Shut up.
“Look, do you need something else?” Todd presses. “Help to a— a car? Or a bus stop, or—?”
“No, no, I’ll be fine from here. And I can take a hint.” She steps onto the snowy sidewalk, only to throw her head back and wink. “Good luck with your detective.”
Wait… WHAT?
Todd gapes at her, making a strange sound in his throat as his brain spins with weak protests and questions about what exactly gave her that impression. He can’t seem to properly form any by the time she’s out of sight, leaving him in the growing cold as he is unable to stop picturing his best friend’s smile.
…what the hell is going on?
--
“Did you hear how snobbish she sounded? And see how horribly dressed she was? It’s as if she has no appreciation for quality pieces of clothing. And, and, those looks she was giving me, as if I was the one being a nuisance for asking her what her neighbour’s name was,” Dirk huffs. His fists curl slightly where they rest atop the untouched stack of paperwork on his desk.
Farah shrugs. “I admit she wasn’t quite… kind, but she gave us something to work for.”
Dirk lets out a resigned sigh. “Of course. You’re completely right, Farah. We have a case! I shouldn’t be concerning myself with… with nonsense like this! Fine, right, let’s look at the facts. Samantha has no idea where the neighbour has hidden the hamster because it doesn’t seem to be anywhere obvious. Plus she insisted she’d seen her neighbour snooping about the pier and engaging in some seriously shady behaviour. If he truly is partaking in some ghastly sort of demonic activity, perhaps it’s best to start by waiting for him to show up around there. A stakeout! Todd! Todd? Are you— are you listening?”
Todd blinks. “Huh?”
Great job, Todd.
Clearly not noticing or caring about Todd’s wandering mind, Dirk marches on. “A stakeout! You and me! The ultimate detective team detecting their way into the unknown together!”
“Uh, sure. Yeah. Do we have any proof something is going to happen, though? Seems like kind of a waste to sit around all night if we don’t.”
“That’s typically what a stakeout consists of,” Farah pitches in. “Lots of waiting around and the high possibility that there may not even be any definitive results by the end of it.”
“Great,” Todd mutters.
“Oh, don’t worry, Todd!” Dirk enthuses, fond smile alighting his features. “At least we’ll be together!”
Todd’s heart jumps in his chest, and his stomach twists in a weird, kinda uncomfortable way. It’s… admittedly not the first time this has happened, just one of the first times he’s really noticed it. Or maybe let himself notice it. Unravelling what the implication of that is, along with the heat threatening to arise in his cheeks and the smile that fights to overtake his lips… he hates to admit it, but it’s terrifying. If this is… this couldn’t be what he thinks it is, right? No, god no, there’s some other explanation for it. It isn’t— he can’t—
“Todd?” Dirk asks, head tilting in concern like some overly sweet golden retriever. “Do you… want to come?”
Jesus. He hates that insecurity creeping into his tone. Frantically, Todd throws on the best smile he can muster. “Y-yeah, of course I wanna come. It’ll be fun… I guess. Besides, there’s no way you can handle a stakeout on your own.”
Dirk snaps out of it immediately. “Excuse, I could handle a stakeout on my own if I preferred!”
“Sure you could.”
“I certainly could! In fact, perhaps I will! I only thought my assistant – who has been so close to being promoted to something akin to a – a partner, would insist on coming along.”
“I didn’t insist, you’re the one who suggested it.”
“Well, f-fine, if you really don’t want to, and you continue insinuating there’s no conceivable way I’d ever get it done on my own, I can—“
“Dirk.”
“What?” He near snaps.
Todd almost laughs. “Of course I’m coming. When do you want to do this?”
The annoyance left Dirk in a quick puff. He lets out a quiet “oh” and his eyes dart away in embarrassment. It’s kind of… really adorable. “Right, uhm, tonight? I-I’ll meet you at your apartment.”
“Right. Sounds like a plan,” Todd agrees.
He can just make out Farah looking on in amusement from the corner of his eye, and he is not going to look back. He grabs the nearest piece of paperwork from his desk and starts scribbling on it with a pen as if something urgent has suddenly come up. Because despite just agreeing to it, he really isn’t sure this stakeout plan is a good one. There’s something about Dirk. Something about them. There’s something… there, and as much as he hates it, he has to figure out what.
--
Todd pulls out his laptop the instant he walks through his apartment door, plopping himself on his bed and throwing up Google. His breathing is stupidly uneven as he contemplates the nothing in the search bar, and his fingers jump to type out his request before he can think too hard about it.
Do I have feelings for my best friend?
It would make sense, right? Considering the rush of emotions he has every time Dirk says as much as a hello to him. How every day, Dirk seems to be getting more and more attractive. How his eyes sometimes linger as he stares at Dirk’s lips or his neck. How he can’t picture a future without him or truly with anyone who isn’t him.
Nausea is creeping up his throat as his innocent inquiry boasts the results of many links with quizzes and articles with signs and answers to if you were in love with your best friend. Shit.
He clicks the first “Are you in love?” quiz from Buzzfeed purely because he doesn’t trust it, and with good reason. The first question asks whether he prefers sunny or rainy days, as if that has to do with anything. He clicks through a range of outlandish bullshit including favourite colours, favourite pastry dishes, and which emoji he felt best spoke to him (ugh). Only a single question even touches on romance, being “What is the best date spot?” with no decent options in sight.
Which is why the whole thing is downright stupid when the quiz triumphantly announces that, yes, he’s totally in love with someone, and it’s someone he knows well!
He groans, clicking back to his search and glaring at the hundreds of other results. If he’s going to get an answer like that, one of these better give him a damn good reason for it.
The next quiz he clicks on jumps right to asking, “Have you considered having sex with your best friend?”, and he— no, he’s not answering that. He’s not even thinking about that.
By the time he downs a glass of water and stares blankly at a wall for… a while… he’s good to go for something better this time. The questions on the next few are still stupid, but at least they’re more relevant and less forward.
How often do you think about them?
Too often.
Do you find their looks attractive or their personality?
Both.
Have you thought about kissing them?
Yes.
Would you be jealous if they dated someone else?
Yes, but it’s not like he’d do anything about it if Dirk did.
Do you trust them?
Undoubtedly.
Do they make you happy?
God. It’s downright ridiculous how happy Dirk makes him.
Can you imagine a romantic future with them?
And isn’t that just the kicker of it? Something so simple yet so difficult as his heart jumps to yes before his mind can even process it. It’s too easy to imagine it. Too easy to want it.
He slams his laptop shut after the eighth quiz declares that he is one hundred percent, undoubtedly, head over heels in love and flops back on his bed.
One hour until he meets up with Dirk.
Todd places a hand over his rapidly beating heart, willing it to slow down because it’s fine, meeting with Dirk is normal, and what did stupid quizzes on the internet prove, anyway?
No, he’ll manage. Maybe Dirk is romantically appealing, but Todd’s not really in love with him. There’s no way.
--
Dirk shows up half an hour later, barging through the door and rambling about the specifics of their stakeout while showing off his litany of snacks for the occasion. Thankfully, Todd convinces him that the fancy red sports car he found wherever last week – which would probably disappear in a matter of days, as is strangely typical – isn’t appropriate for going undercover and they take the black car they’d thrown their money together to purchase instead. They argue for far longer than they should about where to park in order to achieve the best view of the pier before settling on a vacant alley and shutting off the car. With the sun now set, they’re left in the dark, only able to make out each other’s faces thanks to the dim streetlights. It shouldn’t make Todd as nervous as it does.
“Are you… alright?” Dirk asks.
Todd startles. “What? Me? Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’ve been acting… strangely.”
Fuck.
“I’m just— I’m nervous. Can we really trust what Samantha said?” Todd lies. Like an asshole. “How would she even know her neighbour hangs out here?”
To his surprise, Dirk lights up. “I was thinking the exact same thing, Todd! This whole thing is extremely suspicious! I had a bad feeling about her from the moment she walked through our door! Oh, why didn’t you mention anything sooner?”
“You… really? Are you sure you weren’t just jealous?”
Dirk freezes. “Jealous?”
“That you weren’t getting any attention from her.”
He rolls his eyes. “I hardly cared if she was focused on me. She’s not a very pleasant woman.”
“Really, huh? Then… maybe you were jealous that she was hogging all my attention?” Todd suggests.
Why did he say that?
“I— well, you’re— you’re not supposed to be the face of the company, Todd! I don’t see your name on the plaque! You’re supposed to be my assistant. It’s in your job description to be focused on me!”
“I can still help clients, Dirk.”
“I know perfectly well that you can, but she— she was flirting.”
Todd’s breath catches. Wait a minute. Was Dirk actually…?
“I-I guess. But… I wasn’t flirting back.”
Dirk’s face softens. “I know you weren’t. I suppose I was merely worried you’d… like her and the two of you would go gallivanting off somewhere together.”
“Dirk, I’m not going to be worrying about some crazy lady’s feelings when there’s more important things to focus on. The agency and— and you… those are my priorities,” Todd admits. “You know that, right?’
“Right, of course. I-I don’t mean to say that I doubt you, I know how loyal you are, and kind and...” Dirk’s face is flaming, and his eyes dart away from Todd’s. “I suppose I’m trying to say thank you.”
Todd smiles, chest warming like someone lit a soothing fire inside him. “You’re welcome.”
“Besides,” Dirk says, grinning to himself, “you’re far out of her league, anyway. Your eyes alone are much better than her… everything.”
Todd props his arm on top of the steering wheel. “My… eyes?”
“They’re very nice. And big. And… blue.”
“Sure, right. Your eyes are nicer though, and I didn’t see her complimenting those.”
“Yes, well, I’ve been told I exude strong homosexual energy. She probably assumed I was off the table.”
“She must have been devastated.”
“Oh, surely.”
“I mean… I would’ve been. If I were her,” Todd admits.
“You— you would’ve?”
“Yeah, you’re kind of… really attractive.”
“I am?” Dirk asks, his eyes widening as if he’s never heard a genuine compliment before. It twists something dark and ugly in Todd’s chest and fights off his nerves.
“You are,” Todd confirms. “And… you’re sweet and smart and unique. There’s no one else like you out there. You’re special, and your holistic thing barely factors into why. You’re really brave, you know? And determined. And— and willing to look at the best in the world even after all the shit it’s put you through. You’re pretty amazing.”
“O-oh, I suppose… but I’m not nearly as amazing as you,” Dirk says.
“God, no. I’m not amazing, Dirk.”
“You are to me…”
Their eyes meet, and Todd’s stomach drops as he digests the expression on Dirk’s face. Todd’s not sure he’s ever seen him stare quite so intensely, as if the very universe is hanging in the balance at that exact moment. Todd’s not even close to holistic and oddly, he thinks he can feel it too. He doesn’t know who begins to lean in first, only that one second they seemed to be a mile away and were now mere inches apart. Todd shifts his hand, needing to move it somewhere else – maybe resting over Dirk’s or pressing against his reddened cheek – but doesn’t get the chance as it bonks against the center of the steering wheel.
A loud honk pierces through the air, startling both of them apart. In unison, they slink down in their seats, making an attempt to hide from any potential onlookers. The silence, previously sizzling with something is now brimming with awkwardness. Todd kinda wishes the ground would swallow him up already.
Dirk is the first to peak out the window after an anguishing minute passes.
“We safe?” Todd whispers.
“It would appear…” Dirk replies, stretching back up to a proper seating position.
Todd follows his lead, gaze darting across the windows to scour for anything strange. It’s as completely dead as it was before.
“Right, so, we’re good. Now we can go back to…” They lock eyes again, and Todd has to remember how to function as discomfort overpowers him. “Uh, stakeout stuff. We weren’t— we were kind of slaking off before. But we better not, right? We could miss something important.”
Todd wishes he didn’t catch the disappointment flashing across Dirk’s face. “Yes, you’re… you’re completely right, Todd. Excellent assisting…”
They direct their attention in front of them. Todd crosses his arms over his chest, tapping his fingers over them and trying to focus on their task. He hears Dirk sigh next to him.
God, this sucks.
“We don’t have to stop talking, though,” Todd suggests. “I mean, you never told me the rest of the Thor story. Y’know, the second crazy meeting you had?”
He only needs to hear Dirk’s sunny voice to know he’s smiling. “You want me to tell you, Todd? That’s— that’s very exciting to hear! I didn’t think you were interested in all of this! Gosh, where to begin? Right, yes! Six years in the past. It was a gloomy summer’s day, and I was all alone, searching for a lead in a missing boxer case—!”
“A missing boxer?”
“As in the type of dog.”
“Should’ve guessed.”
“Yes, you’ll have to brush up on your deduction, certainly. Anyway, I was wandering the streets of London searching for her when this strange, but familiar light reflected down from the sky!”
Dirk erupts into an animated tale, flailing his hands around, adding dramatics that Todd’s sure couldn’t have happened, and making up voices for every person with relevant dialogue, including a very awkward barking dog impression that is unable to keep Todd from laughing. Todd knows Dirk is barely putting an effort into actually looking out for the shady neighbour, and honestly, his own attempts are half-hearted at best. He thinks they’ll still see him if he walks onto the pier. Hopefully.
It’s ridiculous, because their actual mission feels a lot less important when he’s focused on Dirk. His cute, quick-changing expressions, his adorably accented voice which Todd could probably listen to rambling on all day, his enthusiasm, dedication, and passion. He’s enthralling to watch and be around, no matter the context.
And it continues on, even when Dirk’s tale is finished and all small talk about the agency, their friends, and their opinions on the chips they’re munching on die out a couple hours later. When they’re stuck sitting there in silence and finally paying attention to what they’re supposed to, Todd is still hyperaware of Dirk’s presence. He notices him constantly shifting into newer and more comfortable positions. He sometimes hears little musicals hums under his breath, which Todd continues on with him. He’s aware of every instance Dirk leans closer over the console and their arms brush together, sending electricity running up Todd’s elbows to his shoulders. He can see how the low light is illuminating Dirk’s face in a way that makes him look almost otherworldly, and god, he’s so gorgeous.
Maybe the most captivating thing of all is how they can sit here together veering on an hour of no talking, and Todd can still feel comfortable, like he belongs here. He could be at home watching television or playing music or sleeping, and instead he’s stuck in a car at the dead of night waiting for a weirdo involved in a demon hamster case. It should be horrible and it’s everything but, because Dirk is here and that makes all the difference. As long as Dirk is with him, there’s nowhere else in the world Todd would rather be.
It turns out all those quizzes weren’t necessary. They only managed to scare him and cause him even more confusion as he wrestled with what was true or not. But here and now, Todd feels it, without a single doubt in his mind.
He’s in love with Dirk.
It ties his stomach into knots and makes him lose his train of thought, yet it doesn’t seem as terrifying as before. Not now, anyway, as he watches Dirk and everything seems to click. Because of course he’s in love with Dirk, he probably has been all along. How couldn’t he be?
“Todd?”
“Hmm?”
“You’ve been… staring,” Dirk observes.
“Y-yeah, sorry, I just— I got distracted,” Todd mumbles, hiding his rapidly burning face by focusing on the pier once more.
“That’s… quite alright,” Dirk says, and Todd knows he’s not imagining how he seems to shift just a bit closer.
Todd’s hand drops to rest on the console, leaving hardly an inch of space between it and Dirk’s. There’s silence and a small intake of breath, then the pleasant warmth of skin as Dirk’s fingers curl around Todd’s own. Todd can hear his heart in his ears as he shifts their hands, allowing them to entwine more intrinsically together.
They don’t acknowledge it, just bask in the silence as their grip becomes surer by the minute. It’s something so small, and somehow it ignites a wave of content through Todd that only Dirk could seem to trigger.
Jesus, he really does love him.
“Todd…?” Dirk asks, excitement creeping into his voice.
Todd braces himself for the questions, and the potential confessing, but finds himself relieved – or maybe disappointed – when it turns out Dirk is now watching ahead of him, jabbing a finger in the direction of the pier. Sure enough, it’s the first real sign of something they’ve had. The man marching down the pier matches Samantha’s description, and he’s being really weird, collapsing to his knees at the end and clasping his hands together as if he’s praying.
It’s probably important, but Todd can’t stop his fascination with the fact that the entire time the man is there, up until the drive home an hour later, him and Dirk never let go of hands.
--
Todd doesn’t let himself freak out until the moment he walks through his door.
He’s in love with Dirk. He’s in love with Dirk. He’s in love with him and it’s… it’s terrible. And not for the reasons it should be. The usual sort of worries about reciprocation and how to approach it, the butterflies and nervous questioning over everything… No, it’s none of that. It’s the question of how he could ever give Dirk as much as he wants to when he’s barely a passable human being. It’s about how they could screw up everything if they try this and it doesn’t work out.
It doesn’t matter if holding Dirk’s hand feels right or the thought of kissing him makes his knees feel stupidly weak. He can’t, he can’t…
Todd curls around his pillow, tucking it against his stomach and tightening his grip on the material. He buries his stinging eyes and shakily inhales, not bothering to suck it up when there’s no one around to see him like this. He hears a buzzing near his head and drops one hand to pull his phone up to view the incoming text.
Dork
We’re much closer to solving this case now, I can feel it!
You did an excellent job looking out for trouble with me tonight! :)
I’m very glad I have you. <3
Todd groans, pitifully glaring at the device and hating the way even a simple text could send him through a flurry of emotions. He ends up stuck with an ache in his chest that he knows is longing. God, even with all of this, he still just wants to be with Dirk right now.
Todd
I’m glad to have you too
He hesitates, and then adds a silly heart emoji to the end of his text too. If Dirk gets to do dumb, endearing things like that, he’s allowed to reciprocate, even at the risk of being transparent. He isn’t really surprised by the line of rainbow hearts he gets in return.
Dammit. What the hell is he supposed to do?
--
Farah does not look pleased to see him. To be fair, it’s barely 6 a.m. and he didn’t give her much of a warning that he’d be dropping in. His sole defense is that he hadn’t slept all night, so time has kinda begun to lose all meaning.
Todd offers her an innocent smile and holds up the coffee he’d brought along as a peace offering. Farah consider him a moment, then sighs and waves him inside her apartment.
“Thanks, Farah. I-I swear it’s important.”
“I can tell.”
“Yeah?”
“Yep. You look… stressed.” Farah takes the proffered cup and curls up with it on the couch. She watches him sceptically. “Look Todd, I don’t know what’s going on but maybe you should—“
“I’m in love with Dirk,” he blurts.
Farah blinks. “Uh, right. Okay…”
“Did you… suspect anything?”
“Of course I suspected. Considering the way the two of you act it’s natural to assume there could be feelings involved. I knew you weren’t together, though. Dirk clearly wouldn’t keep dating a secret and I… really wasn’t sure if you’d managed to figure things out yet. I guess you have now?”
“Yeah, that’s— that’s covered. So… what do I do?”
“Do…?”
“Should I just ignore it until it… goes away?”
Okay. That sounds stupid, and he knows it even before Farah’s incredulous look. “Goes away? Todd, why would you—? Listen, I know you’re not the best with these heavy sort of emotional situations, but you shouldn’t freak out too much. You should talk to him. If you’re worried he doesn’t feel the same way—“
“I’m not— it— it’s not that…”
“Don’t you want to be with him?”
“Well, yeah, I mean, of course I do,” Todd insists. Jesus, the very thought of that… “He’s, y’know… he’s incredible. I’d be lucky if he returned my feelings even half as strongly.”
Farah’s eyebrows scrunch together. “What’s the problem, then?”
“I-I don’t know, I mean…” Todd shifts uncomfortably and rolls the words around in his mind a moment before forcing them out. “Am I really good enough?”
“Good enough?” she repeats. “For… Dirk?”
“Well, yeah…”
Farah sighs. “You don’t… have to get locked up in your mistakes, Todd. You’re a good person. And come on, you two are perfect for each other.”
Todd’s heart skips a beat. “We are?”
Her face softens. “You are, and you should talk to him.”
She makes it sound so easy. Like he’s creating far too big of a deal out of all this. Todd’s certainly not sure about it himself, but Farah’s rarely ever wrong.
“O-okay,” Todd agrees. “I’ll talk to him.”
--
There’s no way Dirk will be awake so early on a Saturday morning, so Todd circles back to his apartment, and spends way too long trying to figure out what to wear. Which is dumb. He never cared about this sort of shit before, not even when he was in high school and trying to impress the cute boy who played the drums at the talent show.
Would Dirk notice if he dressed up fancier than usual?
Ugh, of course he would. He could overlook things sometimes, but he was still a pretty great detective when it came down to it. That tossed a few of the more acceptable items in his closet out the window. He couldn’t be too obvious. He’s just going to ask him out, after all, not confess everything.
There’s no need to rush into this, he just needs to be careful. Very careful, if he’s seriously considering acting on his feelings. He knows he’s not much compared to Dirk, and maybe it won’t end well, but if he’s cautious, then maybe it will be okay.
Todd catches sight of a blue patterned button-up and settles on that before he can overthink things again. He matches it with a dark pair of jeans and spends way too long fixing his hair in the mirror before finally sending Dirk a message. He wrings his hands as he waits for a response, mulling over what he’s going to say…
Hey Dirk. You and I should go on a date. No, way too forward.
There’s this stupid romantic movie playing, and it looks terrible, but maybe it will be less terrible if we watch it together. Y’know… on a date? God, no, that sounds awful.
Dirk… I really like you. Will you go out with me? That one’s… okay, though maybe not subtle enough. Maybe he should tone it down even more.
Shit, but what if Dirk doesn’t realize it’s a date if he does?
Todd jumps when his phone suddenly starts to ring. Dirk. He picks it up before the third obnoxious screech. “Hello?”
“Todd!” Dirk exclaims. “I’m so glad you texted, I have a lead!”
“A… lead?”
“The man! The shady man! I was waiting outside his house just now, and he’s headed to a church. Kind of strange a man associated with demonic activity would be attending a religious service, isn’t it?”
So much for asking Dirk out today…
“Yeah, I… I guess,” Todd concedes. “But you never know. Maybe the replacement hamster he gave Samantha was just some sort of divine punishment?”
“That’s actually a very interesting idea, but I have a hunch that there may be more to it than that. I’m heading over to Samantha’s house now to meet the supposed demon.”
“Do you want me to head over there with you?” Todd asks. “It could be dangerous to—“
“Oh no, that’s— that’s hardly necessary!” Dirk insists. “We don’t all need to meet the hamster. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about at all. I’ll be quite alright.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive! How about, instead, you wait for me at my apartment? We can gather the information we have and maybe… watch a film?”
Okay, maybe it’s not a lost cause after all…
“Y-yeah, watching a movie sounds good. I can bring lunch?” Todd suggests.
“Perfect!” Dirk says. He pauses, and Todd can picture his mischievous grin when he adds, “It’s a date.”
And there’s his heart acting up again. Jesus. There’s no way… is Dirk really…?
“I’ll see you soon, Todd!” he calls, and the line cuts out before Todd has the chance to add anything else.
“Yeah…” he whispers to the empty room, lips curling into a smile. “It’s a date…”
--
Todd’s giddiness over his potential date with Dirk lasts until a message from Amanda comes through twenty minutes later. She’s not angry or anything. In fact, the two of them have been doing surprisingly okay recently all things considered. They’re not glued together like they used to be, but they’re honest, and doing okay on their own. Amanda’s still talking to him and she’s happy on the road with the Rowdy 3, so that’s what matters.
Yet it only takes one reminder of her to send his doubts barelling back.
He knows Dirk insists he isn’t an asshole and Farah called him a good person, but it’s nearly impossible to see it himself. It’s easy for them to make those claims when they met him after he fucked everything up. When they never saw his parents struggle for money or Amanda’s first insistence that there was a chance for her since Todd was “cured”. They haven’t seen how he’s alienated every person he’s cared about in some way or another and could very well do it again.
He couldn’t bear to do it again. Not with Farah, and especially not with Dirk.
His breathing becomes so erratic, his brain so muddled, and his chest so tight, that he doesn’t realize he’s on the verge of an attack quickly enough to do anything about it. His abdomen feels like it’s on fire, and pressing his hands against it leaves them coming back sticky with blood. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
He stumbles toward the bathroom, whimpering pathetically as he tries to suppress the waves of agony and stop himself from losing more blood than he feels like he already has. It hurts. It hurts so damn badly, and it’s all in his head, but they never did get easier to handle just because he knew they weren’t really there. Tears are spilling down his cheeks as he throws open his cabinet, struggling to obtain and open the bottle of pills with one hand while keeping the other pressed against his supposed wound. Once two tablets slip into his crimson coated hand, he throws them back into his mouth, swallowing them dry and pushing down his growing nausea at the metallic tang of his own blood.
God, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop.
He sinks to the floor, arms curling around himself and whimpers evolving into full-on cries. He presses his cheek against the cool wall and squeezes his eyes shut as he waits and waits and waits for this to pass. The piercing pain fades too slowly, but it fades, taking the image and taste of his blood along with it. He’s cleaner and physically in better shape, and it’s not near enough to make his crying stop or calm his ragged breathing. He just feels so fucking lost. So weak and sluggish that he doesn’t even bother trying to move or think, only staring blankly at the floor and wishing for something he couldn’t quite grasp onto.
A long time must have passed because the next thing he processes is the click of the apartment door and Dirk’s voice piercing through the stillness. Even now, he can’t make himself regret offering Dirk a key when he recalls the sunny smile he received for it. He braces himself, keeping his eyes tightly closed so he doesn’t have to face the inevitable shock and hurt on Dirk’s face. Yeah. He’s a fucking coward.
“Todd? Are you in here? I waited in my apartment for a while, but obviously you weren’t there. Did you forget about our… our meeting? I have more to share with you, and I thought— oh.” Dirk’s voice lingers a few feet away, and Todd hears his hesitancy as he patters across the tiles. “Oh, Todd…”
A hand presses feather-light against Todd’s shoulder and strokes down the length of his arm before repeating its comforting trail. Todd relaxes against the contact as it repeats over and over, becoming surer by the second.
“Can you… look at me?” Dirk asks, voice possessing a rare quality of gentleness.
It’s ridiculous how instantaneously Todd complies, peaking one eye open and then the other. He sees all he’s expecting to on Dirk’s face: concern, sadness, hurt… but there’s a smile too, small and welcoming that tells him it’s alright. That he’s here, and he wouldn’t judge him for a second.
Oh god, he’s too sweet, so much sweeter than Todd probably deserves. He can’t help the warmth his presence sprouts inside him, spreading through his middle and doing wonders in calming him down. Despite everything, he’s… he’s really glad Dirk’s here.
“Hey,” Todd mumbles, voice scratchy and awkward.
“Hi,” Dirk says. He’s gaining confidence in his movements as he brushes over Todd’s hair, pushing over tiny locks as if they were in the way.
Todd smiles back at him. Just a little. “Sorry I missed it.”
“Hmm…?”
“Our… our date.”
Dirk stares in surprise, a blush blooming on his cheeks. “Yes… yes, well… we’ll have other chances for dates, won’t we?”
Dammit.
“Yeah, there’ll be another chance,” Todd agrees, too tired to fight this right now. He hesitates, then leans closer, pressing some of his weight against Dirk’s body. “Hey, c-can I…?”
Thankfully, he doesn’t have to ask for more than that. Somehow, Dirk always understands him.
Dirk arms move around Todd’s frame, pulling him into a soft and careful embrace. Todd melts against him, pressing his face into the side of Dirk’s neck and curling his fingers into the back of his leather jacket. Todd sniffles and Dirk hushes him gently, muttering nonsense about how it’s going to be okay now. The crazy thing is that Todd actually believes him. Here and now, clinging to each other and treasuring every detail… it feels safe. It feels like home.
--
They stayed like that for a long time. With nothing to interrupt them, they probably would’ve been there forever if they could’ve. And god, if Todd had to pick something to never stop doing…
Too bad Todd ruins it by snoring. Dirk is alerted right away, helping Todd to stand up and directing him to bed, rambling about how he surely needs a nap. He’s… not wrong and Todd kind of hates that. Dirk gets him a glass of water and hovers over the bed as Todd crawls in, almost as if he wants to do or say something more. It makes Todd sorely tempted to ask him to crawl in bed with him and stay because Jesus, what could possibly be better than that? But he can’t take advantage of the situation even more, especially when he doesn’t want to risk leading Dirk on or thinking more than he should when Todd doesn’t know what he’s even doing yet.
So he lets Dirk whisper a goodbye and leave him alone in his apartment again. It sucks.
Sleeping comes easy and he’s out until it’s nearly midnight, when his stomach protests and he shoves a frozen pizza in the oven. He pulls himself onto the counter while he waits, clicking open his phone and being greeted with a myriad of texts from Dirk. First there were wishes that he’s getting some sleep, then case updates on how he suspects Samantha is leaving out crucial pieces of information, and how Dave – the neighbour – seems almost suspiciously kind. The last several are more emoji filled texts on how he hopes Todd is feeling better and how they should meet up tomorrow when he’s feeling better. The final message was a goodnight, accompanied by the words “I missed you tonight”. It’s almost silly. While they are tied together a lot of the time, they aren’t together every night and they can manage on their own, right? They spent plenty of evenings alone before they met, after all…
Ugh. There’s no logic to the fact that Todd feels the same way. He misses Dirk at that very moment, stuck waiting for the dinner he’ll consume all by himself. He sighs. Yeah, he’s really got to figure things out.
It’s another five minutes before he gains the courage to face the thing that caused his earlier attack in the first place.
“You having a late night, loser?” Amanda asks when the call connects. “Isn’t it, like, midnight over there?”
“It— yeah. Yeah, it’s been kinda crazy here, I guess. Are you on the east coast again?” Todd says.
“Yep! Got this crazy feeling that sorta lead us here. We think we’re close to something really weird and super cool.” There’s a ruckus in the background and some garbled talking. Amanda laughs. “Is Dirk around? Beast says hi.”
“Not right now. He’s…” Todd swallows. “Amanda can we… talk?”
“About… Dirk?”
“Yeah, it’s just…” Oh god, just spit it out. “I think I’m in love with him.”
The following silence feels like it drags on for ages.
“Okay…” Amanda says slowly. “So, are you gonna tell him?”
Todd nervously taps his fingers against the counter. “You think I should?”
“Well… yeah. I mean, c’mon dude, you’ve obviously had feelings for him forever, and for whatever reason, I think he’s crazy about you, too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Duh. Have you not seen the way he looks at you?”
The thing is, he thinks he has. It’s just… the whole situation keeps feeling too obvious. The reciprocation bit still isn’t even his biggest concern, but dammit, Dirk liking him seems too good to be true. Even with the evidence that keeps being pushed his direction and encouraging him to do something about the reality he’d been thrust into.
“I-I guess. But, Amanda, he… doesn’t he deserve… I don’t know, someone better?” Todd asks.
“Dude, he’s already your best friend, if you really didn’t think you were good enough for him or whatever, then why would you even be that much?” Amanda challenges.
“That’s different.”
“Is it?”
“Yes— no, m-maybe. Okay, it’s— it’s similar but there’s more to dating, it’s a whole other… level.”
Amanda sighs. “Look, Todd, just because you can be an asshole and you’ve fucked up doesn’t mean you should never be happy. I know I’ve told you that Dirk has changed your life, but I think it’s pretty obvious that you changed his too. God, I can’t believe you two dorks haven’t talked about this before. You probably belong together.”
Todd can almost hear Dirk’s voice in his mind insisting that they’re meant to know each other. And maybe they were. Maybe if even Amanda thinks he can handle it then…
“You both make each other happy, right?” she continues. “And you’ve stuck together this long. If you can do that as friends, then why not try it and do it as something more? You both obviously want to. Don’t be stupid and let something good like this go.”
Todd’s hands feel clammy, his eyes tired, and his stomach is filled with an ache of nerves and anticipation. Gradually though, it’s settling down, shifting into something akin to determination. Amanda’s right, and so was Farah. He’s being stupid, and he shouldn’t be spiralling over what ifs and gluing himself to his past. It’s how he screwed his whole life up in the first place and he can’t do it again.
He still doesn’t know if he’s good enough for Dirk. He doesn’t know if he ever will be. But maybe that’s not what’s important. If Dirk wants him – really, seriously, wants him – then how can he push him away? How can he resist something they’re both so clearly longing for?
Maybe he just has to try harder. He can work his ass off and be better, be the best boyfriend he can possibly make himself into. Maybe even if he’s not enough for himself, he can step it up and try to give Dirk every little thing he deserves. If he’s given the privilege of being with Dirk, then he won’t let himself screw it up. Not this. Never this.
Just this once, maybe Todd can let himself be happy too.
He smiles into his phone. “Thanks, Amanda.”
“Good luck,” she says.
--
Todd doesn’t have a chance to seek out Dirk the next day because he shows up outside of his apartment before noon.
“Todd!” he exclaims, placing his hands on his shoulders and shaking enthusiastically. “I solved the case!”
“You… what? Already?”
“Oh, don’t sound so surprised! Considering the evidence it’s really quite obvious what’s going on here, but I’m going to need you and Farah to help me stop it because it’s really rather complicated.”
The universe didn’t want to give him a proper chance to really talk to Dirk, did it?
“So… what is going on?” he asks.
--
It turns out what’s going on is some kind of demon hamster conspiracy. Dave, the seemingly friendly neighbour is actually a legitimately friendly pastor who’s made it his life’s mission to “exorcise demons and protect the innocent”. He’d been suspicious there was something going on with Samantha for weeks now. Which led to Dirk’s discovery that the hamster Dave stole from her was the real demonic one, which he locked up in a cage in his basement as he prepared to exorcise it down by the pier. It had apparently been pretty easy to call Samantha out on her bullshit after Dirk went to her house and discovered that her replacement hamster was completely normal.
And why would this woman be so desperate to get a demon hamster back?
Because she’s a demon, too. Naturally.
A demon they manage to capture two days later and bring down to the now “purified” water off the pier. It’s supposed to be as easy as tossing her – and her hamster – into the water and watching them dissolve into dust.
So, of course, it’s nowhere near that easy.
Dave’s screeching as he tries to shake the hamster off his hand, where it has bit down hard and refuses to let go. Samantha’s screeching too, eyes glowing red as she telekinetically flings things at them and causes large waves to crash onto the docks, drenching Dirk, Todd, and Farah as they duck behind various poles and crates in an attempt to avoid her nasty revenge.
“Shit!” Dirk cries, as a sharp log narrowly misses hitting him. He dives toward the crate Todd is hiding behind and shifts closer to him until their sides are pressed together. Something so small shouldn’t make Todd feel secure in the midst of this tornado of crazy, and yet…
“We have to distract her!” he calls over the ever growing chaos of blistering winds, raging waters, and various screams. “Farah, can you knock her back if I move her attention away from you?”
“Yes, but what are you going to do?” she asks. She’s crouching by the wall of a small food shack a few feet away. Her gun was rendered useless due to getting clogged with water ten minutes ago, but she still has a pair of brass knuckles.
“She liked me, right?” Todd says. He shifts to his knees, peering over to catch a glimpse of her. “Maybe, if I talk to her she’ll… hesitate or something.”
Dirk clutches onto his sleeve before he can make a move. “Todd, no, just think about this for a minute! It’s too dangerous to go out there with her! You could— you could be hurt!”
“And if no one does anything then you could be,” Todd argues. “Look, it’ll be okay. I can handle this. I’m not going to let some— some psychotic demon kill me before I even get the chance to kiss you.”
Dirk’s eyes grow wide. “You… wh-what?”
Shit. Todd just had to blurt that out like an idiot. He hates it because he needs to offer Dirk a real explanation and actually have that dreaded talk with him, but the comment fazed him so thoroughly that it gives Todd the perfect chance to leap into action.
He rushes out of their hiding spot before he can think twice.
“Samantha!” Todd shouts, raising his hands in surrender and waving them erratically. “We need to talk!”
A chill runs down his spine when those eerie red eyes settle on him. He can hear Dirk shouting his name and Farah swearing from behind him. It’s a bad idea, he knows it is, and it’s a miracle that it kinda works.
Samantha’s eyes don’t leave him when she speaks. Her voice is deep and threatening, directly contrasting her previous high pitched sing-song. “Todd. Oh you were so cute. We could have had it all, you know. I really do love the colour blue…” Her dark hair rises in unison with her pale hands and Todd’s stomach sinks. “But you belong to another. And you helped steal my hamster!”
A powerful gust of wind knocks Todd off his feet and sends him flying at least ten feet. His body slams into the hard wood of the docks and he groans, pain igniting at every point of contact. He pushes himself onto his elbows, head pounding as he coughs roughly. Blood sputters from his lips and he squeezes his eyes shut, fighting back tears.
“Todd!” Dirk screams.
His voice… why is it— is he coming closer?
Shit.
Todd’s eyes snap back open, and surely enough, Dirk’s out of hiding and rushing towards him. No, no, no, no. “Dirk, stop, she’ll—!”
His calls are too late. This time, Samantha shows no hesitation. It’s both the wind and water that capture Dirk, dragging him over the length of the pier and tossing him into the dangerous waves below.
Todd swears that his heart stops.
“DIRK!” he screams, voice coated in such manic desperation he hardly recognizes it as his own. He doesn’t register anything else, can’t be bothered to process the evolving chaos around him. He can only think of Dirk. Dirk being pulled under those waters, Dirk being in danger. Dirk, Dirk, Dirk.
He can’t lose him. He won’t lose him.
It’s should be a challenge to push himself to his feet, but it’s not. His own aches are pushed down as if they mean nothing and he’s darting across the length of the pier, running and running and running until he reaches the end. He’s probably functioning on pure adrenaline alone, and he doesn’t think. Just climbs over the railing and dives into the treachery below.
The water’s cold, it’s fucking freezing, and it’s almost impossible to shift through. He tries to push past the currents around him with his arms, struggling to swim deeper, squinting his eyes open to try and make anything out in the blurred swirl of sand and debris. There’s nothing and no one in sight.
He kicks his way to the surface, taking a greedy breath of air and shivering against the added force of the winds. He manages to tread water, even as he’s directed further away from the land, swinging his head around wildly in search of another figure fighting his way up. Because he has to be fighting. The Dirk he knows and loves would never give up so easily.
He catches sight of movement on his right, and oh thank god. “Dirk? Dirk!”
“Todd!” Dirk calls back, flapping his arms in a clear battle to stay afloat. Which is okay, because he’s still here, and he’s so close. Todd can make it, he can make it—
It’s stupid that he’s even instilling confidence in himself anymore.
His distraction with Dirk blinds him from a powerful incoming wave, which sweeps him back underwater. His lungs fill with liquid and he’s choking. It’s almost like a pararibulitis attack – Amanda’s had a few drowning ones before and he’d had the displeasure of experiencing one himself too. They were always the worst, and yet such a thing barely compared to the very real feeling of being forced down under and being unable to fight his way out of it. Which means Dirk is stuck like this too, and Todd can’t do anything to save him.
God, he has to do something.
He exhausts every limb with his unrelenting movements, pushing and pushing and pushing. He can make it. He can make it.
Please. You stupid fucking universe. If you’re good for anything, you’ll let me save him.
Right on cue, he hears a splash behind him and suddenly, everything stops. There are no more waves, no more rushing in his ear, and no more struggling as he emerges with a gasp. He forces out the water in his throat if only to focus better and his gaze is darting to find Dirk once again. Shit, where is he?
His labored breathing has evolved into panicked huffs by the time he manages to spot him, several feet away and floating just below the surface. He’s not moving.
Time becomes a blur as he swims toward him, dragging him above water, and pulling him into his arms. He mutters nonsense the whole way, telling him that it’s all over now, that they’re safe. Dirk’s so painfully still as Todd guides him to the shore, pulling their drenched and tired bodies onto the sandy ground of the small beach strip. He lays Dirk comfortably away from where the tide reaches and touches a hand against his face. Jesus, he’s so cold.
“C’mon, Dirk,” he begs, caressing his cheek with his right hand and gripping onto one of Dirk’s with his left. “Please. You— you can’t give up now, you asshole. You’re stronger than this. You can fight it. Come back to me. Please, come back…”
A sob escapes his throat, and his hands can’t stop shaking. Shit, he needs to do something. CPR. He has to remember how to do this. Farah made sure they knew and he has to—
Dirk coughs, spluttering out the water from the lake and blinking his bright, beautiful eyes open. Todd honest to god whimpers as all the tension drops out of his body. He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive.
“O-oh dear… That’s— that’s probably the worst swim I’ve ever had,” Dirk chokes out. He shifts slowly so he’s sitting up and offers Todd a very weak smile. “And I’ve had a lot that didn’t go so… swimmingly.”
Todd actually laughs. The stupidest and worst timed joke he’s ever heard and he laughs. He can’t help it. Not when it’s over and they’re safe and he has a chance now. The chance to have that stupid talk and confess his stupid feelings and dammit, he’s never letting Dirk go ever again. Todd throws his arms around him, clinging with whatever is left of his rapidly diminishing strength. He lets out a sob into Dirk’s shoulder and shakes his head, trembling from both his fear and the piercing cold.
“God, you’re so stupid… I told you I could handle it,” Todd gasps.
Dirk’s arms wind hesitantly around Todd’s middle and Todd hears him inhaling shakily near his ear. It’s obvious he’s either crying too or dangerously near it. “Sorry. I’m so sorry, Todd. Are you— are you alright?”
“I’m okay,” Todd breathes. “As long as you’re here I’m okay…”
“I’m here…” he whispers. “I couldn’t exactly leave you now could I?”
“You better not…”
“I won’t. I won’t, I promise…”
The assurance is enough to stop Todd’s tears from running and he hears Dirk’s breathing slowly evening in sync with his. Reluctantly, Todd disentangles himself, but only strays far enough to see Dirk’s features and fully take them in. His hands still linger over his arms and Dirk moves to gently cup his face, staring at him with utter amazement.
“You saved me,” Dirk says. “You’re always doing that, you know, saving me…”
“It’s kind of my job,” Todd replies. “Besides, it’s only fair. You saved me first.”
“I’m pretty sure you saved my life within the first day we knew each other from some nonsense or another.”
“Oh, shut up, you know what I mean.”
“Mmm. Yes, maybe.” Dirk tilts his head to the side and smiles warmly at him. “But really Todd, you very much are… incredible. The most incredible person I’ve ever met…”
Todd’s heart hammers in his chest and somehow he knows that this is it. He can’t wait even a minute longer. He has to tell him now. “I’m not. I’m trying to be better, but that— that’s because of you. You inspired me. You changed my life, and you keep changing it every single day. God, you’re so good, and brave, and funny, and— and beautiful. There’s no one in the world that could ever make me feel like you do, and I’d dive straight into hell if that’s what it took to protect you.”
He locks their gazes and offers the most genuine smile he can manage. “I love you, Dirk.”
Dirk freezes, jaw dropping in surprise, and Todd is endearingly reminded of the day he came back for Dirk the first time, offering an old Mexican Funeral shirt as the only sort of apology he could give. He braces himself for Dirk’s words, but they never come.
Instead, Dirk leans forward and captures Todd’s lips in a sweet kiss. Todd releases a low hum – both contented and relieved – and shuts his eyes, grip tightening on Dirk’s sleeves. He tastes like lake water and feels so soft and warm despite their trip into the freezing waves. They aren’t in a rush, moving at a slow pace and savouring the way it feels to finally be this close. Todd swears that if they died back there and this is what heaven is, he wouldn’t mind it for a second.
They’re too worn out to continue for very long and it’s okay. They can settle with pressing their foreheads together and giggling softly. It feels… nice. Like he’s coming home again, and this time, he knows he won’t have to leave.
“I love you, too,” Dirk says. “I love you so much, Todd…”
Todd laughs again, chest so light that he might as well be floating.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he mutters, because it’s stupid and relevant and he’s already subjecting himself to being fond of the damn day for life. It will forever be the date Dirk Gently first told him he loved him, after all…
Dirk gasps, positively grinning. “Oh, this is brilliant! You can be my first Valentine! And— and first boyfriend?”
“Boyfriend sounds good,” Todd agrees, internal butterflies having a fucking celebration.
They’re still sitting on a shoreline near the pier on a cold February evening and soon enough they’re going to need to rush home in order to warm up before they die of hypothermia. Maybe they can drink some hot chocolate when they get there and curl up under the blanket watching a movie until they fall asleep, slumped next to each other on the couch.
For now, it’s enough to simply hold one another, basking in their newfound status and the scant warmth they could provide with kisses and caresses.
As far as first dates went, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.