Chapter Text
Taehyung was lying awake, small tears falling down his puffy cheeks. Laying in his bed with his blankets covering him up to his chin.
A few hours before that, he had been on Twitter, reading fan comments under their posts. It was his thing usually, going home, take a quick shower, and then scroll through Twitter reading comments. He usually had a limit, reading only five to six comments a posts, but this time he over passed that limit and saw a comment that had a lot of attention.
“Pretty sure everyone is annoyed at him for having to help him so much. He’s such a burden..”
He frowned at first, but as he scrolled past it, his heart dropped as he saw more.
“He needs to go on a diet”
“Don’t they realize that Taehyung is just holding them back? Seriously he’s not even that good.”
“My three year old niece can sing better than him”
“Does he wear loose clothes cause he’s fat under it? Lol I could still tell”
“Can he just know that BTS doesn’t need him? He’s such a baby, could he like? Not?”
“Could he leave? Better yet, die?”
The last comment got to him as he quietly shut his phone off. He’s seen many hurtful comments but nothing like the ones he just read.
And that’s why he’s hysterical. It was now 4 am, and he still hasn’t had a lick of sleep due to his crying. He had to keep quite knowing that Jhope was not too far from him as he was sleeping in the bed next to his in the other side of the room.
Holding his hand over his mouth, he chokes on his sobs and hears some shuffling. ‘Just calm down, Tae. You do a great job. You’re not a burden. Your family and friends love you. You’re fans love you just as much..’. He hoped giving himself some words of encouragement would help. And it did, at least a little. It helped calm his sobs down to sniffles after a few minutes.
After looking at the clock once again and seeing that it was 5 am, he finally closed his eyes with tears still falling down and letting sleep envelope him.
“Tae? Tae! C’mon! I already let you sleep 30 more minutes than the usual and Jin Hyung is already at my throat!”
Taehyung groaned begrudgingly as a headache was forming from last night and the yelling and knocking coming from outside the door. He slowly opened his eyes, noticing that he sees a little blurry. His head faced the clock on his nightstand and immediately wanted to go back to sleep. He only slept two hours.
“Tae? I’m giving you privacy from not opening this door! So you better be out in ten minutes!”
And with that, the yelling was done. He heard feet walking away from the door and let out a small sigh. He lazily threw the covers on his side and slowly got out of bed, stretching a little. He looked at the bed beside and saw that it was already made. He went towards his closet and got his most comfortable sweatpants and shirt.
They only had dance practice that day, so he really didn’t care how he dressed. Besides, the headache was very much killing him.
Heading to the bathroom that was connected to his room, he looked at the wall mirror and saw himself. He was a mess. His hair was all over the place, his eyes were red and swollen from lack of sleep, and his cheeks were puffy.
He splashed some water on his face, rubbing his eyes hoping the redness would at least go away.
He changed into his clothes and got himself prepared in the restroom. There was too much noise around the dorm and honestly? Taehyung wasn’t up for it today. He just wanted to get the day over with and go right back to sleep.
Walking in the kitchen, he saw everyone laughing and looking like their having the time of their lives. Jin was making pancakes and Yoongi was helping him pass out eating utensils while the rest were waiting for their food while they talked amongst themselves. ‘They really don’t need me do they..?’ At that, Taehyung felt a strong pang in his chest. It wasn’t one where it hurts too hard but it was one that felt like they were pinching his heart. He can’t help it though. Seeing as they were having fun without them.
He was about to go back to his room but felt the headache come back. The pills were in the kitchen so he didn’t have a choice but walk towards a cabinet in the kitchen.
As he was doing so Jimin noticed his presence. “Tae! Good morning.”
He mumbled a good morning back. Opening the cabinet where the medicine usually was. “Morning sleeping beauty. How’d you sleep?” Jin said with a bit of a teasing in his voice.” That gave the rest of the members, except Tae, a good chuckle.
“Slept fine.” He finally found the pills and took two out of the container.
“Hey, you alright? What’re the pills for?” Hoseok asked, concern evident in his voice.
Tae didn’t bother looking up as he swallowed the pills one at a time with water. He noticed everyone stopped talking and eternally he just wanted to bury himself. Turning around towards his members he gave the brightest smile he could muster and said: “Yeah! Of course Hyung. I’m just a bit out of it since it’s still a bit early. And I got a bit of a headache but it’s nothing major.”
That seemed to convince them as they went back to their banter. Getting out a small breath he sat down by the youngest member who gave him a smile. A smile that resembles one of a bunny. A smile that makes Taehyung’s heart flutter. Having a small blush form he turns his head away, making Jungkook a bit confused but shrugged it off and continued talking to Jimin while eating his pancakes.
Taehyung didn’t talk much, and only eating two pancakes. His headache has gone down a bit which he was more than thankful for.
After a few minutes, everyone was done with their food and they were just hanging out as they awaited the car. “Alright children go after your stuff, Sejin Hyung is here.”
Immediately everyone rushed to their respective rooms, gathering their stuff. Taehyung was slower than everyone else and when he got to Hoseok and his room, his roommate was already ready to go.
“C’mon Tae, or we’ll leave you here.” Hoseok said with a smirk on his face as he walked out.
Tae knew that he was joking but he couldn’t get the sick feeling of being forgotten and left behind, on the pit of his stomach, go. Hurriedly he got whatever he needed and placed it in his bag. Rushing out he bumped into Yoongi who looked at him with an eyebrow raised.
“Chill Tae, where’s the fire?”
“Sorry Hyung.” He mumbled sheepishly, looking down and fidgeting with the strap of his bag.
“It’s okay, just be careful. I don’t want you falling down and breaking something.” He says as he leaves.
As Taehyung walks behind him, he couldn’t help the words that Yoongi said to him being compared to the ones he heard last night. ‘He doesn’t want me hurt because then we’ll miss dance practice and I’ll just hold everyone back.’
He shook his head and repeated the words of consolation that he told himself. ‘You’re not a burden. Your family and friends love you. You’re fans love you just as much’. With that he walked out and locked the door behind him.
“No! Tae no! It’s right hand and then left! Not left then right!” His choreographer yelled.
They had been practicing their new song ‘Idol’ They had most of it down but there was one part where they had to go over, like a broken record. All because of Taehyung.
“I’m sorry.” Tae said in a small voice.
“Don’t apologize, just do it.” Taehyung could only nod at him as everyone got back into position.
As they went over it again, Tae mess up by putting his left up as he did the other times. The music stopped abruptly. Tae immediately looked at the choreographer and saw his blood boil. He wouldn’t lie, he was a bit scared. “Just.. take a fucking break. I’ll be back in 10.” And with that, he left seething in anger.
“Damn Tae, I didn’t know you had it in you to anger our choreographer.” Namjoon teased.
“I- I didn’t mean too..”
“As long as I get a break. I don’t care if you anger him.” Yoongi said as he walked away to lay down on the floor. Jimin went to go follow him. Namjoon went with Jin to listen to music while they wait and Hoseok and Jungkook practiced some more.
Instead of practicing, he just sat down wherever he was standing without doing anything and was in deep thought.
“Wanna take a picture with me?” Jimin, his best friend, asked, already holding his phone in one hand.
“Uh.. are you sure you want me?” Jimin giggled at his best friend thinking he was being funny. But really Taehyung didn’t want to show up on the internet for a while.
“Of course silly, now come on.” Jimin posed with the selfie camera, and that forced Taehyung to do the same.
Jimin smiled at the picture then at him. Taehyung smiled and watched him walk back to Yoongi. He felt a bit jealous at them. They are in a relationship, and everyone was fine with that. And even though they were being watched wherever they go, they still decided to go with it. Not being bothered by it at all.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and saw the notification that a photo was uploaded in BTS’ account. It was the picture Jimin took a few minutes ago with the caption: “Taking a small break with thin one” and a few emojis.
He smiled as he saw the many likes on the post. He completely forgets about last night for a brief moment and starts scrolling down to the comments. Big mistake. There were some nice comments, but then he got to the nasty ones.
“I seriously don’t understand how v is still in BTS”
“What’s this ugly ass troll doing with Jimin?”
“Taehyung doesn’t deserve to be in BTS.”
Under that comment was: “He doesn’t deserve to be alive, period.”
He felt his eyes water. ‘No.. not now.’ He told himself as a tear fell from his left eye. He quickly rubbed his tear away. ‘I’m okay.’ Was he though? At this point he had so little hope.
He heard a cloud clap and looked the way the noise was made. “Alright. Get back into position.” Their choreographer said. Tae was still feeling down but got up anyways and got to his starting point ready to practice.
Tae collapsed with heavy breathes as he finished practicing the choreography for the 12th time. It was almost 1 am, all members left to go home and rest 4 hours ago but he was persistent on staying. He kept messing up and it bothered him so much. He had to do better.
He went 5 more times and it was 30 minutes later that he decided he practiced enough. He gathered his things and walked out, not before turning off the lights of the dance room. When he stepped out of the building, he felt a gust of wind. That made him feel lonely, that and of how empty the streets were. Not even the moon was out. And he knew why, he was too ugly for the beautiful thing that came out at night.
He arrived at the dom at 2:03 in the morning. The lights were out so he tried to be as quiet as possible when closing the door.
“Why’re you late?” Came a voice.
Taehyung jumped and let his breath out. Jin turned on a lamp near him and walked towards Taehyung stopping a few feet from him. “Taehyung. Why are you late?” He asks. A bit more stern, angry even.
Taehyung groaned in frustration, today just wasn’t his day was it? “Hyung. I’m really tired right now, I just want to sleep. I really can’t deal with you interrogating me right now.” His headache was coming back again.
“I care, Taehyung. This isn’t me interrogating you. This is me caring for you.”
“Well, can you care tomorrow? I really just want to sleep right now.” He walked into his room and closed it, Jin watching him with shocked eyes.
And that’s how it began. They would practice and Taehyung would come home at an ungodly hour, being more and more aggravated by the nights.
The members would notice and would try their best to cheer Tae up. But every time he would bark at them or just be undeniably rude to them, that at some point they just stop trying. He even yelled at his best friend. He regretted it. Regretted saying that he was a big boy, and that he didn’t need a best friend, that Jimin was being annoying and clingy. He would never forget the hurtful eyes that Jimin had. After that, Yoongi came to him with anger and told him: “You’re such a fucking dick head. Jimin and the rest are just trying to help. And you’re here with your bullshit. Just stay away from him.” It hurt. Because now he was alone. He deserved it though, deserved being alone.
Every time a selfie is posted or a video with him in it. The hateful comments are always the first one popping up, the ones that tell him he’s ugly and that he should kill himself, so his self esteem is going down and his insecurities and death on his mind, up. Although, that really isn’t a reason why he should be yelling at Jin, the man who didn’t stop trying.
One day, he popped.
“Why are you late, Taehyung?” It was an ending cycle of the same question. But this time, it wasn’t just Jin who was waiting for him, but the entire group. He noticed the bags under their eyes and at first he felt a bit guilty, but it immediately washed away, noticing the glares he was getting and was replaced with sadness. He really was a burden. He really was causing trouble. They would be sleeping. Taking a rest right now but instead, they’re up waiting for him, the ugly troll who should kill himself.
“I’m tired Hyung. I want to sleep.” He tries to walk to his room but Jin blocks him from doing so.
“Hyung. Let me go.” Now Taehyung would usually say please. But his sadness and thoughts were just clouding his head that he really wasn’t thinking properly.
“Taehyung what’s going on? These past few days you haven’t been yourself.” Jin asked with concern, but mostly anger, on his voice. The others were just staring at them both, not interfering.
Tae grits his teeth. “That’s none of your business.” “It is my business if it’s causing us, Taehyung. Don’t you think were tired? We want the old, bubbly Taehyung back.” At the corner of his eye he saw the other nod.
“Then why didn’t y’all sleep? You really didn’t have to wait for me. So that’s on you.” He heard a few scoffs to his side.
Part of him said: ‘Shut the fuck up, you’re making this worse on yourself.’ But another half said: ‘You partly lost them last time. Why not just lose them completely since you deserve to be alone.’ And he chose the latter. Jin rubbed his forehead in frustration. “Because we care Taehyung. We care about you. But obviously you don’t care about us.”
Taehyung only stared at him, pausing before saying, “You’re right.” There. He did it.
He heard some gasps and next thing he knew, there was a stinging pain on his right cheek, while his face whipped to the left. And to say he was shocked was an understatement.
“How dare you?” Jin seethes. “How fucking dare you? We’re here worrying our asses off, while you go do, who knows what, out there. And have the audacity to say you don’t care about us? We worked hard for this career not for it just be ripped away because of you. What the fuck happened to you? I used to know you Kim Taehyung. But now? You’re a stranger. A stranger who doesn’t care of anyone but himself. Who doesn’t care how much this is causing the band. How much… how much of a burden you’ve become.”
With that, his head lifts up from its place. He knew it. All along he was a burden. His fans were right, he really didn’t deserve to be in BTS. He only causes problems.
He sucks in a breath and says: “If it bothers you so much, then just tell me and I’ll leave.”
Jin was expecting everything but that. And he guesses the other members weren’t too. “For fucks sake, Tae, get your head out of your ass. We just want the old you back.”
Taehyung doesn’t respond. Jin scoffs at him while rolling his eyes and walking to his room. “Talk to me when you’re done being a child. I’m done trying.”
The others following behind, but Jungkook who stays for a bit more examining Taehyung. “Must’ve hurt.” Tae was surprised to hear him speak to him after so long. “W-what?”
“The hit.”
“O-oh… it didn’t.” He said stubbornly.
“Yeah okay.” He scoffed a little at him. “Put ice on it.” And with that, he left Taehyung on his own.
Taehyung was there for a full hour with his thoughts. Because of what he said, he’s causing the band so much pain right now. Maybe he should actually listen to the fans. Maybe if he left this world, everything would be alright. But… his friends…
No, he fucked up. He doesn’t have any friends. Not anymore. He’s alone. As it should have been in the beginning. He deserves to be alone.
A few days pass and Taehyung has not been able to sleep at all any nights. Thoughts of Jin and his fight keep coming back and that’s keeping him awake. Nobody wakes him up anymore, nobody waits for him to eat breakfast all together, nobody helps him in the choreography. And nobody knows he’s hurting.
The members were avoiding him as if he was the plague. They won’t look at him, talk, joke, play, etc. And it’s been getting to him.
He knew that Jin was right but he didn’t want cause any troubles at the moment. When the time is right, he’ll call him.
The comeback was a success, there were a lot of comments on their album. It might be the best one yet. He was smiling at the fans comments, in his room at an ungodly hour until… there it was again.
His smile vanished the moment he started reading the comment.
“I thought I told this bitch to die?”
“What’s up with his hair lmao. He looks like a frizzy mop”
“Taehyung taking the center while clearly Park Jimin exists. Jimin deserves it more than him.”
“Taehyung should back off.”
“Next single is gonna be called ‘BTS minus V’”
He didn’t cry. He didn’t feel hurt. He didn’t feel anything. And at that moment he knew, it was time.
Grabbing a paper and a pencil he started writing. And once he started, he didn’t stop. He wasn’t making any noise, other than the pencil scratching on paper, so Hoseok could sleep.
After he was done, he made his bed, folded his clothes in the cabinet And tidied up his closet. He grabbed on a coat and a beret. Something he hasn’t worn in months.
Opening the door he walks out and locks the door, looking back at what used to be his home.
He spent hours walking. To where? He doesn’t know. His feet are doing the walking and he just goes along with it. He looks up at the sky, there’s finally a full moon. And it’s beautiful.
He comes to a halt at what seems to be a river. It was freezing. His cold hands go to his pockets where his phone is and dials a number. After a few rings, they answer.
“Hello?” A voice croaked.
“Jin hyung.”
“Taehyung? What are- why are you calling? You’re literally right next door.” Jin whispers.
Taehyung smiles. “I’m sorry..”
“It’s okay, but next time just come to my room.”
“No, Jin. I’m sorry for the trouble I caused. I’m sorry for letting the team down. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
“What? Babe no… I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Taehyung shook his head. “No..-“
“Tae… I fucking slapped you… that’s no excuse.”
But I caused it. He wants to say but stays quiet.
“Come to my room Tae. I want to hug you. And apologize face to face” He hears a bit of shuffling in the back ground.
“...”
“Tae?”
“I need you to do me a favor.”
“Okay?” Jin said confused.
“Tomorrow… during breakfast, when everyone is together. I want you to go to my room, and on my cabinet is a letter. I want you to read it with everyone.”
“Why can’t you do it?”
“Ah… I got… vocal lessons earlier today so…”
“Okay got you. Now can you come?”
“I don’t wanna move though hyung. I’ll just sleep.”
Jin chuckles. “Alright brat. Good night.”
“Hyung?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. So so much.”
“I love you too Taehyungie. Night.” And with that. They hung up. Finally, a tear slides down his left cheek as he looks down the river. Maybe he’ll send last text to the others and apologize. Through a letter won’t be enough.
And he does. He tells him his favorite memories and thrills them how much he love them with all his heart. But with Jungkook it was a bit special. And for once since that night, his heart skipped a beat.
His legs go over the railings as he’s standing on the unsafe side of the bridge. He turns around so his back faces the river. He looks up at the moon and slowly lets go. The moon is getting farther and farther away. While the river closer and then, all cold and blackness envelopes him.
Jin is the first to wake up out of all the member since he has to make breakfast. He still remembers what he promised Taehyung and does as he said so, quietly.
Going back to the kitchen he starts making breakfast. One by one, all six member file into the living room.
“Hey hyung?” Hoseok says.
“Hmm?”
“Taehyung isn’t on his bed.”
“Oh yeah, he has vocal lessons today.”
“Oh okay.”
Jimin, instead of sitting down with his boyfriend and Jungkook, goes to the living room, turning on the TV.
“Chim, what’re you doing?” Yoongi asks.
“I don’t know, I have this strong urge to watch the news right now.”
“Well, turn it up then, that way we’ll hear the weather or something.”
And Jimin does. They go back to their usual chatter until they hear the news person say something that has their hearts beating like crazy.
Hopefully they heard that wrong, looking at each other with fear, they ran to the living room and saw Jimin crying. They looked at the TV and their heart stops. Under the header read:
“BREAKING NEWS: KPOP IDOL KIM TAEHYUNG, FOUND NEAR RIVER LIFELESS. POSSIBLE SUICIDE.”