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Chapter Text

It is easier to replace pain with pain. It is easier to replace numb with stings. It is easier to open up skin than to open up to people. These excuses and many more circle Severus’s mind while sitting cross-legged on his four-poster bed, fidgeting with a silver blade. He needs a push. A nudge. Something to kick him over the edge, to do it again. Unwillingly he lets his brain teleport him to a couple of hours ago. James Potter, James fucking Potter, had bewitched his quill to only write profanities. Causing Severus to be unable to take notes during the afternoon classes. He felt again the fear rise in his throat, the fear of failure. The fear of failing so bad he would get kicked out of Hogwarts. He has no place to go, as much as he hated Hogwarts and its pupils, it was the closest thing he had to a home. It feels as if someone is squeezing his heart, he cannot breathe. It is the push he so desperately needs, giving him the courage to let the blade run along his skin. Creating cuts that spill blood, running like a deadly river down his forearms. Hastily he conjures some bandages, he cannot risk it staining his bedsheets or his clothes. That way, everyone will know. Everyone will know this terrible secret of his. It would only give them more reasons to taunt him, and he would rather hug Sirius Black than let that happen.
This ritual of doubting, remembering and hurting was not unfamiliar to Severus. It was something he went through every night, ever since he came to Hogwarts. Cutting made his haven bearable, and although he knows it is not the healthiest way to cope, it is one of the only ways he knows. Another one is books. He loves burying his head in dusty books filled with dark knowledge. He does not know why he is so attracted to the dark arts, but to him it is soothing. Knowing that he is not the only dark creature in this world is calming like there is hope. With these thoughts swirling around his brain, he grabs a book on the history of the use of the Unforgivable Curses. His two coping mechanisms calm him enough so that after a couple of minutes he feels his eyelids getting heavy, and he sinks into a deep sleep.
After a short, but longer than normal, sleep Severus climbs out of bed before any of his roommates wake up. He shivers as his bare feet touch the cold floor, tiptoeing his way to the showers. After checking multiple times if he locked the door he undresses and unwraps his arms. He turns the water on and hisses as the stream stings his still fresh wounds. After a quick rinse off, he walks dressed and not so well into the library. It is still dark outside, and hardly anyone is up yet. Severus however, has a very good reason to be out of bed this early on a Sunday morning. He needs to study, study without any people teasing him or staring at him. He slides in a chair and starts working on his Transfiguration essay. He already started it yesterday, but wants to finish the details before he hands it in tomorrow. Just as everything that Severus does, it must be perfect. He is so concentrated he does not hear more Hogwarts pupils fill the library with their happy chattering. Then he feels something hitting his head, and he feels his heart sink into his throat. They have arrived. He does not dare to look around, he does not dare to look at what was just thrown at his head. He decides to run, flee. Call it cowardly, but he just cannot stand another “how can we make Severus feel as shitty as possible” challenge from Sirius, James and Peter. The only one of the Marauders who is not a complete asshole to him is Remus, but he adores his friends too much to acknowledge the things they do.
Hastily, Severus grabs his essay and a couple of books he needs to finish his homework for the next week. He exists the library as quickly as possible, seeking the refugee of his bedroom. The entire day he sits on his bed, working. Losing himself in the knowledge. Only coming out for dinner, when his stomach rumbles so much he cannot concentrate anymore. After the shortest dinner possible, he just wolfs down some potatoes and carrots with some water, he runs back upstairs to his room. When the sun goes down, and the stars start to shine, Severus puts away his school stuff, closes his curtains, folds his legs and begins his nightly ritual. As always, it ends in blood.
Monday morning, again Severus wakes up before dawn. After getting ready he sits on his bed and waits until it is time for breakfast. His roommates wake up one after one. They get along quite well, they do not torment him and respect that he wants to keep his distance. When it is time for breakfast, he quickly eats some toast and drinks some juice before going to Transfiguration. He dreads this class, for they have it together with Gryffindor. This equals an hour of whispered insults, and he is lucky if it does not go farther than that. He knows he cannot count on Professor McGonagall, for she also adores those Marauders, and refuses to see anything negative about them. Sliding on a chair in the front row he patiently waits for class to begin. He nods at Lilly when she enters, and she nods back. She fills the room with light as she smiles at him, and he smiles back. She is his rock in this stone-cold castle, and although they hardly talk anymore she still means a lot to him. He hopes he also means a lot to her. Lily’s light quickly dims as she is followed by James and his gang. He tenses up, expecting them to sit in the row behind him. Much to his surprise they go and sit and the other side of the classroom. Severus is a bit confused but mostly relieved. These moments of peace do not happen often, and he is determined to get the most out of it by focusing for 100% on the Transfiguration class. The rest of his first weekday is relatively calm. All his other classes are with either Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. Although he does not have any friends in those classes, there is mutual respect between them. That means they leave him alone and he leaves them alone. His afternoon is so hopeful he even raises his hands a couple of times and manages to scrape 50 points for Slytherin in total. He does not care about the points, but he knows that they are important to his fellow housemates so it makes him feel a little less worthless. Floating along on this cloud of positivity, Severus decides to eat dinner in the dining hall. Usually, he skips dinner or just grabs some toast and flees upstairs. Today is different, he sits next to his roommates and eats the delicious food that the house elves make for them. He does not join in their conversation about Quidditch, but sitting at his house table eating good food makes him a little less miserable. Just a little. His calm is quickly disturbed when he is hit by a huge wave of water and soap. It feels like someone poured a large bucket of water over his head. He doesn’t need to look who is the cause of this unwanted shower. Abruptly he gets up and storms out of the dining hall, while leaving a trail of shampoo and water behind. He is quick, but not quick enough to miss James screaming “since you never do it we thought we’d wash your greasy hair for a change”. This is quickly followed by Sirius singing “Smelly Snape, smelly Snape”. If he had the courage he would scream at them. Scream that it is not his fault that he just does not have the energy to wash his hair. Scream that it is already a win for him if he manages to rinse of in the morning. He would scream as long as his lungs would let him. But he doesn’t scream. He runs, without knowing if it is tears or shampoo stinging his eyes.That night, he goes extra deep.

Chapter Text

Waking up he feels as if a grave is pressing on his chest. He is sad. But not your regular sad, like “my dog died” sad. This sadness is heavy, numbing. It is a weight that is hard to carry, but it’s not like he has a choice. He tries to sit up but it is just too heavy so he lets himself fall back down. This is when he notices that his sheets stick to his wrists, he winces as he pulls them off. Panic rises, this has never happened before. He always bandages his wrists after he cuts just so this doesn’t happen. Now everyone will know, and he will be ridiculed even more. Pathetic Snape, he cannot even deal with a little taunting. Tears well up and he feels hopeless, he pushes his sheet against his face to silence his sobs. He tries to take some deep breaths. He needs to get himself together. He gets up and hides in the bathroom, triple-checking if he locked it. There, he takes a quick shower to wash the blood off his arms. He winces as the water stings the wounds. He disgusts himself when he looks at his body. His right arm is partially littered with scars, he has left most of his upper arm alone. Pale and not so pale scars are scattered over his hips, stomach and ribs. Some form neat lines, little bumps on his skin. Others are harsh lines, often still red, the painful memories of the times when he was too emotional, too hurt to care about control. Too deep into his everlasting breakdown to care if he died from blood loss. Severus bows his head and looks at the red water flowing away. In a way, it is soothing. Seeing the aftermath of his destruction float away. He stares at the water until there is no trace of blood to be seen. He gets out of the shower, and conjures some bandages on his wrist. He will not make the same mistake as last night. After getting dressed he finds himself standing next to his bed, looking desperately at the blood staining his sheets. It seems like a bad dream. Severus is not stupid; he knows he can just cast a cleaning charm and his sheets will look like he never cut himself. But there is this little voice nagging in the back of his head that maybe his spell won’t be strong enough. He is a shit wizard; he probably won’t be able to do the spell at all. Deep down he knows this is bullshit, but somehow, he still believes the voice. Severus sighs, a failed or weak spell is better than no spell at all. He casts a cleaning spell, and to his surprise, it works. A bit more relieved than before Severus walks to the dining hall. His roommates are still asleep, so there’s a good chance little people will be awake. If he is lucky, he can eat some breakfast in peace before going to his classes.

After nibbling on some toast with jam he makes sure he gets out before the wave of students come in. He has plenty of time before his first-class starts so he roams the empty halls for a while. If there were no other pupils in this school, he could love this place. The gorgeous view, the impressive view… and the classes are really interesting. Severus wonders why he is in such a positive mood today. It is a big switch compared to yesterday. Hell, it’s a big switch compared to this morning. He shrugs and decides to not spend too many thoughts on it. These moments don’t happen very often, so it’s better to enjoy it while it lasts.
And so Severus wanders himself to potions class. It is another class that he has with Gryffindor, but he doesn’t care that much. Professor Slughorn teaches the class and he does not accept any bullshit from anyone, certainly not the Marauders. He is the first one there, and after greeting Professor Slughorn he makes his way over to his usual spot. If he is lucky Lily will join him today. It would be the perfect addition to the day, but he doesn’t get his hopes up. He usually works alone. While Severus is lost in his fantasies about Lily, the pupils slowly fill the classroom. Hearing Lily’s perfect voice greet Professor Slughorn is enough to snap him out of his thoughts. Seeing the Marauders spoils his perfect mood, especially when he sees Lily walk hand in hand with James, joining him in the back of the classroom. Jealousy fills him, but it isn’t enough to kill his mood. These little letdowns are daily business for Severus, and he is unfazed by them. He turns his head and focuses on his potion class. Today Professor Slughorn is teaching them how to make liquid luck. After defence against the dark arts, potions is Severus’ favourite class. He embraces the challenge of a more difficult potion and even manages to tweak the instructions a bit. Slughorn is impressed and awards Slytherin 20 points. Gleaming with pride Severus walks towards his transfiguration class. There his good mood is ruined by a sneer from James, reminding Severus of his self-perceived worthlessness. The rest of the day goes by in a rush, he pays attention to all his classes and takes meticulous notes. Because he is too scared to raise his hand, he does not win any other points for his house. After his classes, he skips dinner and heads straight for the library. Walking into the library he immediately notices ¾ of the Marauders huddled together in a corner. His heart drops slightly when he notices that he has no other choice but to walk past their table to reach the book sections he needs for his potions essay. However, his desire for good grades overpowers his fear of his tormentors. He takes a deep breath and walks with determined steps to the table where the Marauders are sitting, but words from Sirius make him stop dead in his tracks. “He’s using himself as a fucking ashtray again, putting cigarettes out on himself. I don’t know how I can get him to stop tearing himself apart. I just feel-” Midsentence Sirius stops. He turns around, his eyes meeting the eyes of a flabbergasted Severus. “Fuck off you piece of shit” he sneers. “How about you stop sticking your hideous nose it places it doesn’t belong?”. His words are enough to kickstart Severus. He hastily averts his eyes and grabs the books he needs. He is still in shock as he speeds to his dorm. He lets himself fall on his bed, pulling his curtains shut. Shutting his eyes and pulling his hair he groans. His mind is racing. He is scared and confused. Hoping he misheard it, but he knows he didn’t. He’s using himself as a fucking ashtray again, putting cigarettes out on himself. I don’t know how I can get him to stop tearing himself apart. Those were Sirius’ exact words, he is sure. There is no doubt about what those words mean. No hidden meanings, no metaphors. It is loud and clear: Remus Lupin self-harms. This makes everything a thousand times more complicated. What, is he supposed to feel sorry for Remus? Is he supposed to feel sorry for the guy who allows his friends to bully him. He probably doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him, Severus muses. He probably wishes no one knew, at least, that is what Severus wants. But he is nothing like Remus, is he? Or is he? At least they both feel the need to harm themselves. But why? And how? It feels as if Severus’s head is going to explode. This revelation shakes up everything he thought was true. Truth be told, everything is a bit of an exaggeration, but at this particular point in time, it feels as if everything is crumbling around him. In an instinct, he grabs his knife. He lifts his shirt and is ready to cut his ribs, but something stops him. He puts the knife down and lets his shirt fall back into place. It feels wrong. His dirty little secret isn’t his dirty little secret anymore. It is now also Remus’, even though he doesn’t know. No. No. NO. He cannot let the Marauders take away the last thing that is keeping him sane. He lifts his shirt back up, grabs his knife and makes three neat cuts. He feels the sting and watches the blood flow but it does not help. He falls back, tears painting his cheeks wet. Now even this has become difficult. Hopelessly he stares into space.

Chapter Text

After a turbulent night, Severus wakes up in a cold sweat. He wants to curl up in his blanket, drift off and never wake up again. He is just about to close his eyes when he sees a strip of light shining through his curtains. He rips his curtains open, and to his shock, he sees that his roommates already left. Fuck. What is he is late? He jumps out of bed and hastily throws some clothes on. Looking at his wristwatch he sees that he can still make it on time to class. At least today he has a sound reason to skip breakfast…
Walking to class his hearts beats in his throat. Although the panic-inducing possibility of being late distracted his mind a bit, the knowledge he acquired yesterday still clings to him. He can only pray he doesn’t run into Remus. Thinking about Remus, his self-harm and everything related to it just makes him jumpy. He is not sure if he can behave like before around him, knowing what he knows. Luckily, he has no classes with Gryffindor today, so if all goes well he can spend the rest of his school day worrying about what he will do if he sees Remus without actually seeing him. Of course, this is Severus’ life we are talking about. Nothing ever goes well. So it’s no surprise that he sees Remus the minute he walks into the library. In his hands, he is holding one of the books he borrowed the evening before. Technically he is done with it, but he wants to read some extra chapters. He had planned on doing that in peace in the library, but that plan goes up in dust the second he sees Remus. He and the marauders are huddled together in a corner and Sirius has wrapped his arm around Remus’ shoulders. It feels as if Severus is turning to ice. Trying to get himself together he walks to a table. There is no reason he shouldn’t sit here. He can be in one room with Remus. Normal. Casual. Chill. Just breathe, everything is fine. That is until Remus looks at him. His and Severus’ eyes meet and Severus’ throat closes. It’s like his brain crashes. He cannot do this. He slams the book on the table and storms out. He doesn’t need to look back to know that they are staring at him.
He plops down on his bed, shuts the curtains and puts his head in his hands. It feels as if he is electric. Stings of worry, pain and doubt course through his veins. His head is like a warzone. He groans, and looks up at the ceiling. He cannot do this, absolutely not. Hours pass, but Severus cannot find rest. The moon starts her trip around the night sky, but Severus lies wide awake. He tosses and turns, unable to calm down and get some sleep.

Feeling the need to do something with the nervous energy in his body, he gets up and tiptoes through the portrait hole. He is only wearing his pyjama’s, and his arms are bare. He knows it’s a risk but he counts on the darkness to hide his secrets. Blindly he finds his way through the castle until he feels the cold night air. He breathes in sharply, the cold is soothing. Numbing. He looks up at the brilliant stars and sighs deeply. Feeling somewhat calmed down he starts wandering around the empty Hogwarts grounds. He walks to the trees next to the lake and makes himself comfortable under their branches. The grass tickles his feet and he stares at the reflection of the stars on the water.
Outside, under the dark sky, life seems so much easier. The whole Remus thing becomes minuscule, not something he should worry about. Yes, it sucks for Remus that he self-harms. But it also sucks for Severus. They are both fucked up, it doesn’t mean that they should be fucked up together. He chuckles wryly, it’s not like he’s gonna start a fucking support group with Remus. They have separate lives, the fact that they share this one issue doesn’t mean shit. His relationship with Remus doesn’t change, so the only reason he should be scared of running into him is because of his lovely little friends. Feeling very convinced by his internal reasoning, Severus feels himself relax. He leans against the tree and lets himself be measured by the scenery. The hours pass by, but Severus doesn’t spend them tossing, turning and worrying. He spends them outside, half asleep, surrounded by peace.

The light of the sun is what raises him out of his doze, he sits up straights, stretches and gets up. The peaceful slumber still on his mind, Severus walks back to the castle. Yes, he is tired, cold and sore. But his mind is quiet. So quiet that he doesn’t care about the Marauders, doesn’t care about his grades. Doesn’t care about his bare arms, littered with scars for all to see.

Chapter Text

[The first two paragraphs are from Remus’s perspective]

He had woken up early. Even though the sunrise has only just begun, he doesn’t want to go back to sleep. He gets up and shivers as his bare feet touch the cold floor. Trying to make as little sound as possible, he pulls on an oversized sweater and fluffy socks to protect himself from the cold. He tiptoes to the door, looking around at the sleeping silhouettes of his friends, making sure he did not wake them. Even though he loves them to death, sometimes they can be a bit too caring and concerned. He knows they mean well, but all the cuddling and protecting makes him feel like they see him as a fragile baby bird rather than a friend. Also, constantly asking if he feels the urge to hurt himself is more triggering than anything else. He just needs a moment alone sometimes, a moment with himself. James, Sirius and Peter are all extroverts, but Remus isn’t. Although he loves spending time with them, sometimes he needs some quiet. Some alone time to recharge. Although they understand this, he feels as if sometimes they are scared to give it to him. On one hand, he understands this, but on the other hand, they need to learn that he really isn’t always a danger to himself. Remus wanders through the deserted halls of the castle, musing to himself about how people don’t appreciate quietness as much as they should. His walk is abruptly interrupted when he runs into an unexpected someone.

He had just turned a corner when he comes eye to eye with Severus. Their eyes meet. Remus sees the fear is the boy’s eyes, and he feels a pang of guilt. He does not agree with the bullying of his friends, but he knows they each have their reasons. He disapproves but understands. Remus, however, doesn’t have any plans to disturb Severus morning. He smiles and is just about to continue his wandering when he sees something that makes his chest implode. Severus’s arms are littered with scars. Some white and faded, but others pink and red. Barely healed they paint an angry pattern. It feels as if someone electrocuted him. His feels are glued to the ground, he can feel his heart pounding. He looks at Severus, eyes wide with shock. He needs to do something, say something. But it seems as if his vocal cords have been cut, binding him to everlasting silence.

[This is the end of Remus’ POV. From here on, it’s Severus’ POV again.]

When Severus ran into Remus, his first emotion was fear. Fear of being yelled at, fear of being hit. This fear subdued when he saw the corners of the boy’s mouth lift, forming into a smile. Severus relaxed the slightest, but not for long. Now the fear of abuse was gone, he was all too aware of the fact that his arms were bare. His flaws, his secrets. They were out in the open, ready for Remus to see. He needs to get out of his eyesight. Severus is just about to smile back and walk away when he sees Remus’ eyes flicker down. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. It feels as if Remus’s eyes are lasers which burn eyes in his skin. His pulse quickens and he feels his throat closing. His hands start to twitch, it’s an automatism of his. It is as if they are looking for a razor, looking to give his mind peace. He looks at the boy before him and sees a terror in his eyes that matches his own. He stands frozen, looking at Remus’s struggle for words. Should he say something? What is the social protocol for running into your bully who then sees your self-harm scars? He is lost in the weirdness and scariness of the moment for a while, finding reality again when he hears Remus’ hoarse voice. “Hi”. Severus looks at him one more time, a bewildered look in his eyes. Then he rediscovers the ability to move, and without a word, he walks away. “Severus, wait!” But Severus does not wait. He just keeps on walking back to his four-poser safe haven, his breath becoming more and more ragged with every step he takes. Remus does not follow, nor does he call Severus’ name again. Why would he?

Severus walks back to his bed, now unable to hold his tears in. He barely notices the still sleeping bodies of his roommates, before he collapses onto his bed and jams the curtains shut. His twitching fingers find what they have been looking for. The cold, sharp haven that is his razor. Severus wants to put the razor onto his arm, an automatic movement perfected through much practice, but something stops him. It is as if his arm is contaminated. As if the gaze of Remus’ eyes have put an invisible barrier between his razor and his scarred flesh. His eyes fall on his calves, whose smooth skin is blurred by the silent tears which still flow. Starting from his eyes, they carve paths in his cheeks, hesitating at his jaw before making wet spots on his blanket. Even with his mind clogged by panic, it does not take Severus long to decide. A mere 30 seconds later, and he is staring at deep cuts. His once fair legs are now dark red, mixed with the yellow of his showing fat tissue. With every drop of blood, his numbness increased. With the stare of someone who is drugged, he looks at the dark green curtains without seeing them. His body is still there, sitting on his bed. His mind, however, is foggy.

Outside of his little world, his roommates wake up and get ready for the day. Severus doesn’t notice the silent chattering. He does not notice the sound of footsteps leaving the Slytherin dorm. He is completely lost inside his own world. Instead of getting up, paying attention in his classes and working his ass off in the library, Severus stays in bed. In normal circumstances, this would be unthinkable. But he is drugged by the cuts, drugged by the panic of Remus seeing his scars and drugged by the general hopelessness of his being. He looks at the blood dripping and traces it with his finger. He looks at the curtains surrounding his bed. He cries and cries and cries until he eventually falls asleep.

Chapter Text

He is awakened from his dreamless slumber by the sound of an owl’s beak pecking the window. Groaning Severus opens his eyes, the events of the morning slowly coming back to him. He went outside to look at the stars… then he ran into Remus… then Remus saw his scars… then he cut and skipped his classes. FUCK! Anxiety hits him like a truck as he sits upright. Remus saw his cuts! He skipped class! His life is over. This is it. He should just fucking die. He puts his head in his hands while outside the pecking grows more and more aggressive. After a couple minutes the owl becomes more assertive and starts hooting impatiently. This is enough to kindle Severus’ curiosity, after all, who could need him that urgent? He walks over to the window, wincing as his barely scabbed cuts sting with every movement. He feels blood tinkle down his legs, and he curses as he sees that he tore some of them over by walking. He should do something about that. Quickly he walks/limps the rest of the distance to the window, and sees a Little Owl sitting on the windowsill. When he opens the window, the owl hoots one more time and then sticks out its paw obediently. Severus unties note and whispers thank you. The owl stays put on the windowsill, watching Severus as he limp walks back to his bed and sits down to unroll the paper. Is it a note written in impeccable handwriting.

Dear Severus, Will you go to the astronomy tower with me tonight? I stole James’ invisibility cloak so we will not get caught in the hallways. If you agree to come with me, I will wait outside the Slytherin dungeons at 1 am. Please send your answer with Darwin. Greetings, Remus

Severus has absolutely no idea what to do with this. In his brain, his anxiety of meeting Remus again is at war with the notion that he really doesn’t have anything to lose. Remus already saw his cuts, and he missed classes. His life is basically over, why not meet him. In a moment of no fucks given he writes ‘yeah, sure’, on the back of Remus’s note, and reuses the piece of twine to bind it to the owl’s paw. “Please bring this to Remus” he whispers to the owl. The brown owl hoots, shoots him a mean look and flies away, insulted that Severus did not give him a snack for his efforts. Severus cannot muster the energy to care, and he goes back to bed, drawing his curtains shut. He does not leave that spot, not when his stomach starts to rumble from a lack of food and not when his roommates enter and exit the dorm. He lies on his stomach, reading through a dark arts book actively ignoring everything around him and actively ignoring the growing feeling of dread settling in his stomach.

That feeling of dread reaches an all-time high when the clock shows that it is 00u50, which means that it is time to go. While getting out of bed, as quiet as possible so he doesn’t wake anybody, he notices that his hands are shaking. He clenches them into fists and quickly and quietly puts on a sweater so his cuts are hidden. He feels the wounds pulling with every step he takes, and he realizes that he did not bandage them, nor does he have time to bandage them. He’ll just have to be careful and hope that he does not leave blood on his clothes. He double-checks to make sure that there isn’t a single scar visible, and at exactly 00u58 he opens the door and walks into the dark hallways. Remus is already there, as he promised, holding a piece of cloth. The anxiety of both boys is palpable. The tension in the air thickens as Remus wordlessly throws the invisibility cloak over both of them, hiding them from the human eye. What ensues is the world’s most uncomfortable walk. Severus feels relief beyond comprehension when they arrive at the entrance of the tower. The second they shed the cloak he puts a step aside to increase the distance between them. A quick look at Remus’ relieved face teaches him that the walk must have been equally uncomfortable for him.

They start the climb to the top of the astronomy tower. Severus doesn’t take astronomy- he knows everything he wants to know from books read during sticky summers- so he has never been on top of the tower. When they reach the top his breath hitches. It is a beautiful sight. Although his sporadic evening trips have exposed him to many stars, the combination of stars with the gorgeous view of the Hogwarts grounds is something different. The beauty of the view makes him momentarily forget that he is not alone, Remus is with him. He is surprised to see that it is still just the two of them, he had expected to see the other Marauders here. He had expected that this was all just a big prank aimed at messing with his secret. But he was wrong, it is still just the two of them. Suddenly he realized why he is here: it is a fucking intervention. The universe must be fucking kidding him. The uncomfortable silence that started at the doors to the Slytherin common room is not disturbed by his realization, nor by his pissed of train of thought. Rather, the sound of Remus’ lighter breaks the silence, and his face is momentarily being lit up by the ashes. He takes a deep drag and turns away while blowing the smoke to prevent it from blowing into Severus’s face. Severus is slightly taken aback by this nice gesture, but it also makes him deeply uncomfortable as he realizes that Remus probably uses those cigarettes to hurt himself. He feels as if he is intruding on something like he is watching the foreplay to Remus’ self-harm.

Suddenly Remus starts to talk, apparently, the nicotine gave him the push he needed. “I saw your scars. Don’t even try to tell me your cat hates you or whatever, cause we both know that is bullshit. Just don’t do it again.” The words come out fast like he has been waiting to say them for a really long time, and only now found courage. Severus scoffs, his earlier feeling of irritation is amplified by Remus’ makeshift intervention. Is this guy seriously telling him to stop cutting? Before he can reign himself in, he starts talking. “Very rich of you to tell me to stop cutting while you and your friends are the ones making me miserable. Also, you tell me to stop cutting, but will you stop burning? Lovely of you to come here to tell me off about cutting myself, but please take a goddamn look at yourself before lecturing me about constructive coping mechanisms!” Slightly taken aback by himself, Severus takes a step back. His adrenaline high is over as fast as if came, and he is overcome by fear of the consequences of what he just did. He is halfway raising his hand and is just about to start a panic fueled apology when Remus starts talking quietly “I never said anything or did anything to you”. “But did you stop them?”. Remus takes a long drag, looking frustrated as he blows the smoke out into the cold air. “I know that James, Sirius and Peter are mean to you, but they all have their reasons,” he says. “Why should that be an excuse?” Severus shoots back. “It isn’t an excuse, I know it’s shit for you, but their lives aren’t easy either. I mean, Sirius’ parent are assholes. They are abusive to him and-” He rakes his hand through his hair and sighs. “I should not be telling you this. Fuck. Look, all I wanted to say is that you should not cut. I know Sirius, James and Peter have been awful to you, and I am not trying to make them seem like saints but they are not all bad. They are my best friends, Severus. Sirius is my boyfriend…”

The boy is looking slightly desperate as he rakes his hand through his hair again, it must be some nervous tick. “I just felt shitty about seeing your scars and wanted to tell you not to cut, and now I have not only pissed you off but I have also come out to you on top of a tower at midnight”. He takes a deep drag. “Just fucking great isn’t it?” he says quietly, with a slight tremor in his voice. Slightly taken aback by the stream of words that just exited the boy’s mouth, Severus takes a moment to try and organize his thoughts. Even though he is not about to forgive the Marauders for bullying him because they are more than assholes, he still feels slightly bad for the other boy and he wants his next words to be semi-appropriate. Despite this moment and his intentions, the next words that exit his mouth are so stupid that he just wants to fling himself off the tower and die of embarrassment “so you’re gay?”. Great job Severus, that is just the thing to focus on. “Yeah”. It comes out as just a mumble, he is clearly uncomfortable and is trying to cover it up by taking another drag of his cigarette. “I never knew”. “Yeah… we kind of keep it a secret. James and Pete know, but that’s all. Sirius’ parents are… old fashioned. They would probably kick him out if they discovered that he had a muggleborn boyfriend rather than a pureblood girlfriend.” Remus never actually looks up from the ground while saying all this, from which Severus gathers that he is probably not filled with pride. Remembering the words he heard Sirius say in the library make him blurt out another not so appropriate question (but then again, what is really appropriate about this intervention that somehow turned into a heart-to-heart). “Is that why you burn? Because you hate yourself for being gay?” “Yes and no. Like I know it is nothing to be ashamed of. Theoretically. Love is love and all that bullshit. On the other hand, I have been raised my whole life with the idea that it is wrong you know? It is just… I don’t know. Mostly pressure I guess? And feeling like shit, you know?.” Severus just nods, because he does know. After this it is silent, both boys needing a second to process what just happened. It is Remus who breaks the silence “I shouldn’t have come here and told you to quit while there is literally zero chance that I will quit… I am sorry. And I’ll try to hold James, Pete and Siri back.” Severus gives him a small smile. “It’s okay. It’s not like I would have quit after that little speech you gave me”.

They fall back into silence, and Severus suddenly feel drained. Having a heart to heart with your bully is more exhausting than he expected. He looks at Remus, who also looks pretty worn out. “Wanna go back?” Remus smiles at him. “I thought you’d never ask”. They get up, and before entering the stairwell Remus throws the invisibility cloak over them. The walk back to the Slytherin dungeons is slightly less awkward than the walk to the astronomy tower, but walking close to someone with who you just had an intense conversation will always be awkward. Especially if that someone is part of the Marauders. When they arrive at the dungeons, Remus slips of the cloak again. “Well, bye I guess,” he says. “Yeah.. goodnight,” Severus says, and before he enters his common room he watches as Remus walks away and slips into invisibility. He enters his common room and walks carefully to his dormitory. It would be hard to explain what he has been doing if someone catches him. He plops down on his bed and exhales deeply. What the fuck was that? Let’s hope I do not regret this is his last thought before he drifts off into sleep.