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The first couple of years of Brother Hamster’s life were fairly ordinary. Sleeping through the day, buried in his thick layer of cedar shavings and barely more than a satisfied clump of fur. Active all night, running in his wheel, climbing through his vast maze of colorful tubes, hiding extra food pellets and treats in his secret stash, and gnawing on soft wooden toys to keep his sturdy teeth in ideal condition. He had a nice routine.
And the humans around him had their own routine: changing his food and water regularly, putting him in the sturdy clear sphere to run around before returning him home to fresh cedar shavings, and making too much noise during the day when sensible rodents were trying to sleep. There were several different humans who wandered around. He knew their scents. He could tell the difference between them and knew which humans were the ones who gave him the really good treats to hide in his cheek pouches.
It was a good life for a rodent and Brother Hamster would have been content to continue on like that indefinitely. Unfortunately, that sense of normality and routine could not be maintained forever. Things could not stay ordinary because he was not ordinary.
Well, technically, that wasn’t true. Brother Hamster was mostly just an ordinary hamster. Small, dark beady eyes, golden-brown fur, and admittedly talented at burrowing in the thick layer of cedar shavings that his favorite human provided. So while Brother Hamster wasn’t much different than any other member of his species for the most part, his owner [1] was a boy by the name of Warlock.
You see, there was a rather complicated history involved for Warlock. It involves an angel, a demon, a baby who was destined to be the Anti-Christ, a group of Satanic nuns who weren’t that good at switching children, and far too much drama, prophecies, and chaos. A history that Brother Hamster was quite ignorant of and would likely not care about anyway.
And when Warlock[2] left the Dowling household, Brother Hamster’s comfortable and ordinary life took a sharp turn.
The move didn’t change everything for him. He kept the same cage even if Warlock relocated it to the cottage. He still ate the same food pellets. Warlock still took him out for exercise and encouragement.[4] And he spent his nights running on his wheel.
But there was a major difference. While Brother Hamster didn’t particularly care about living in the same building as the angel, he had strong opinions about the Serpent.
Despite being born and raised in captivity, Brother Hamster possessed all his natural survival instincts. And that included the knowledge and fear of the various predators who would see a small rodent as a tasty snack. Dogs and cats were more likely threats in a domestic setting, but he knew there were other dangerous creatures out there in the world. Foxes. Owls and other birds of prey. And of course, serpents.
The Serpent tried to pretend that it wasn’t a snake. It looked and behaved like a human. A tall, slinky, and dark human, but just another human among all the others. But Brother Hamster knew better. He wasn’t fooled by the disguise. He could see the truth. The creature’s scent revealed its true nature. Both he and Warlock were living in the den of a human-shaped Serpent.
Most small creatures would be absolutely terrified by that. Their little hearts racing, pounding their way out of their tiny chests. Most would die from the constant fear and stress of such a thing. But while he was in many ways an ordinary rodent, that’s not what happened with Brother Hamster. He wasn’t exactly like most rodents because Warlock wasn’t like most children.
While Warlock wasn’t exactly the Anti-Christ and couldn’t warp reality to suit his needs, the Expectations throughout his childhood left their mark on his view of the world. Not to mention that Warlock’s ideas on positive words of encouragement came from his nanny’s examples.
You are a vicious and deadly beast, Brother Hamster.
You are a powerful warrior and someday you’ll conquer your enemies.
No one can stand against your might.
Brother Hamster waited, biding his time. Watching the Serpent and searching for weaknesses. He waited patiently and glared from his cage every time that the Serpent entered the room. He waited and eventually the day came where Warlock would switch out his cedar wood shavings. And that meant transferring him into his sturdy clear sphere.
Or as Brother Hamster called it, the Indestructible Ball of Doom.
While Warlock focused on switching out the cedar shavings for a fresh supply, Brother Hamster made a break for it. Out the bedroom door, down the short hallway, and to the edge of the stairs.
There he stopped. The height was impossible to comprehend for such a small creature. Dangerous and overwhelming. It promised grave injury or death to the unprepared. It would take skill, careful planning, or sheer luck to make it down intact.
And he was no longer a young hamster, overconfident and foolhardy. He was already over two years old. His impulsiveness had cooled with age. Brother Hamster could recognize the risks of his quest and especially in the face of his first obstacle.
But his human lived in the den of the Serpent. And even smaller snakes were dangerous and hungry beasts. He knew it was only a matter of time before the Serpent chose to hunt. To protect Warlock, he knew that he needed to face the threat.
Gathering his courage and determination, Brother Hamster charged forward. Forward and over the edge of the deadly obstacle.
Bonk.
Bonk.
Bonk bonk bonk.
Bonk.
Bonk bonk.
Bonk bonk bonk bonk.
Bonk.
He was jostled and battered around the clear sphere with every bounce, smacking into the sturdy surface. And it seemed to continue for an eternity. But eventually he finished tumbling down the stairs and the clear sphere landed on the ground floor, bouncing a few times at the end as the momentum finally settled. Unfortunately, Brother Hamster continued spinning inside for a while afterwards. Physics kept him going. But after a while, even that stopped.
It took longer for his head to settle and for his body to feel less battered. But he didn’t break a leg on the way down. Which he considered to be a success. And once he had his bearings, he continued his quest and scampered forward.
The Indestructible Ball of Doom looked completely solid at first glance, but there were thin slits scattered along the surface. Rodents might be small, but they still needed fresh air to breathe, after all. And that meant he could smell the Serpent. He could follow the trail.
He crept slowly, stalking the fierce foe. Trying to keep the sound of plastic rolling across the floor as quiet as possible. Luck was on his side because the doors were open just enough that he could edge his way through the cottage unhindered.
The scent led Brother Hamster to a bright and warm room filled with plants. And inside, the human-shaped Serpent moved through them like a dark shadow. He poked at them and watered them, inspecting the green things. Every now and then, he would snarl at one of the plants. A vicious and intimidating sound. A predatory sound. A sound filled with fury and hissing.
Brother Hamster moved quietly, trying not to draw attention. Not until he was in position. Not until he was certain that the Serpent was looking the other way. Not until he was certain that he had the beast cornered and trapped.
“For Warlock!” he squealed, charging towards his enemy.
Brother Hamster was speed. He was power. He was fury, protective rage, and death incarnate. He—
Clunk.
—bounced off the creature’s ankle. Startling the Serpent, but not striking him down with a mighty blow. Refusing to lose momentum, Brother Hamster kept the Indestructible Ball of Doom rolling. The trajectory turned as he sped back towards the great beast. Moving faster and faster. He aimed for the target again and—
—missed as the Serpent raised his foot and the clear sphere rolled past.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” asked the Serpent, watching the rodent turn the Indestructible Ball of Doom around once more.
“Death!” he squeaked. Another fierce assault was thwarted by the Serpent moving at the last moment. “Death to the vile beast!”
“First, Aziraphale is the only one allowed to call me ‘vile beast.’ And second, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick you like a football.[5] I’m busy.”
“I will cast you down and rip out your heart! I will chew off your face! I will smash your skull in with the Indestructible Ball of Doom! Accept your fate, Serpent!”
Moving his foot to avoid another attack, the Serpent said, “At least the rats were more polite and open to negotiations. How long do you plan to keep doing this?”
“Stay away from my human! I won’t let some vicious Serpent in disguise eat him!”
His next charge, building up enough speed and force, felt like it would be enough to bring the tall monster to his knees. Brother Hamster ran and—
—stumbled as the Indestructible Ball of Doom abruptly haltered. Short claws scrambled on plastic, but it refused to turn. Only then did he notice that the Serpent had perched his foot on top of the plastic sphere, pinning it in place.
“Release me, Serpent! Release me so I can rip you apart!”
“You are a surprisingly blood-thirsty little gerbil or hamster or whatever you are,” he said slowly.
“Hamster. I am a hamster. And you won’t live to see another dawn!”
His voice dry, the Serpent said, “And here I thought it was mongooses that tried to kill snakes.” He frowned, apparently ignoring the scratching sound of tiny feet trying to run. “Mongooses… Mongeese? Which one is it…?”
“Release me!”
“Anyway,” he said, shaking his head, “let’s back up a bit. Why are you trying to kill me and why do you think I… hmph… Why do you think I would want to eat Warlock?”
Glaring up at the human-shaped creature, Brother Hamster squeaked, “You are the Serpent! And your kind hunts and eats! You are a swift death of striking fangs! But you will not eat Warlock! He’s my human! And as long as he is in a predator’s den, I will keep him safe! I am a powerful warrior and I will conquer my enemies! No one can stand against my might! Not even you!”
He couldn’t help the squeal of surprise when his Indestructible Ball of Doom suddenly moved. And no matter how brave he might be, Brother Hamster couldn’t help cringing slightly when he was lifted up to eye level with the Serpent.[6] Though it didn’t stop him from glaring back.
“Listen,” he hissed, “let’s get something straight, fuzzball. You clearly don’t like or trust me. Probably smart, not trusting a demon and all. And I’m not fond of you continuing to assault my ankles. It’s kind of distracting and— tch, you know, fsh, it’s annoying and I’ve got better things to do. But I’m not going to hurt Warlock. Me and the angel have been guarding that kid for longer than you’ve been alive. So how about we come to some kind of truce? You leave me alone, I leave you alone, and Warlock doesn’t get mad at me because I had to chuck you out a window.”
Brother Hamster continued to glare at him suspiciously. While it was true that he and Warlock had dwelled in the creature’s lair for a while without being harmed, the creature was still a Serpent. It would be foolish to let his guard down.
But at the moment, the Serpent had him at his mercy. The Indestructible Ball of Doom could only offer so much protection. If he wanted to swallow Brother Hamster whole, the Serpent could do it in a heartbeat.[7] And yet the Serpent refused to take advantage of the opportunity. Brother Hamster reluctantly decided to entertain the possibility that the beast spoke honestly. Perhaps the Serpent actually wanted a truce.
“Fine. You may live, Serpent,” he squeaked quietly. “For now.” Brother Hamster briefly cleaned his face, as if he didn’t care about his precarious position within the beast’s grasp and he remained completely in control of the situation. “But know this. You will only have one chance, Serpent. If you try anything against my human or anger me in any way, I swear that I will slaughter you in your sleep.”
“I wish that I could say that you’re the strangest thing to ever threaten me,” said the Serpent. “I don’t think I can honestly say that you’re the cutest thing to promise to kill me either.”
“I’m not cute! I’m a vicious and deadly beast!”
“Nanny! Have you seen Brother Hamster?”
Both the rodent and the Serpent turned their heads at the familiar voice. The dark-haired boy came jogging in, eyes raking the ground as he searched. Brother Hamster’s feet scrambled at the plastic as Warlock glanced up and grinned when he spotted the clear sphere.
“Thanks,” he said. “He must have snuck out of my room.”
“Better keep a closer eye on him, hellspawn,” said the Serpent as he handed Brother Hamster over. “He’s a troublemaker.”
Giving a half-hearted chuckle, Warlock said, “Then you two should get along. But seriously, Nanny, he sleeps most of the day and runs on his wheel at night.” Warlock opened the Indestructible Ball of Doom and scooped the hamster into the palm of his hand, tucking the sphere under his arm to free up his other hand to pet him. “How much trouble can he really cause?”
“He got all the way down here, didn’t he?” The Serpent grinned before scratching gently on Brother Hamster’s head. “But I think we’ve reached an understanding. Though if you ever decide you want an upgrade, rats are a lot smarter and— agh!”
“First blood!” squeaked Brother Hamster, baring his teeth even as Warlock pulled him away from the snarling Serpent. “That was a warning, Serpent! You won’t get another!”
1 Or at least his preferred caretaker and favorite human. If questioned by anyone who could speak the language of rodents, Brother Hamster was more likely to consider himself in charge rather than viewing himself as someone’s pet. But then, dogs were really the only animals that fully embrace the title of “pet.” Cats were more likely to consider humans to be their slaves. Hamsters and other rodents tended to fall somewhere in the middle of that scale. [ ↑ ]
2 Who was not the Anti-Christ, was never the Anti-Christ, and yet was almost the Anti-Christ to the point that Satan added him to his Personal Revenge List about five spots down from Michael (who fought him right before the Fall and had dibs on fighting Satan again during the final War) and only one spot down from Adam Young (who rebelled against Satan and knocked him back down to Hell after preventing the Apocalypse).[3] Not bad for a human. [ ↑ ]
3 Surprisingly, Warlock was higher up on Satan’s Personal Revenge List than Crowley and that boy from Georgia who had a knack for playing the fiddle. While Satan himself didn’t personally have a music duel with Johnny, having an entire song saying otherwise and then portraying the devil as losing said duel turned out to be enough to earn the boy a spot on the list. [ ↑ ]
4 His childhood with Nanny and Brother Francis taught Warlock the importance of positive words, support, and encouraging those in his care to live up to their potential. [ ↑ ]
5 A reason other than the fact that Warlock would be upset if Crowley hurt his pet and Aziraphale would be Disappointed in him. [ ↑ ]
6 Not that he could see Crowley’s eyes through the sunglasses. [ ↑ ]
7 Though Brother Hamster intended to fight back the entire way down his throat. [ ↑ ]