Chapter Text
"Finnigan, Siobhan!"
A girl with shoulder-length sandy blonde hair and freckles across her nose stepped forward out of the diminishing line of first years, shakily walking up to the stool that sat in front of the entire hall. The intimidating witch dropped the ratty hat onto the girl's head, and it slipped over her forehead and almost covered her eyes.
"An interesting mind in here," a voice whispered in her ear.
Her heart quickened. Her mother had told her about this, about the hat that would read her heart and speak in her mind. Parents weren't supposed to tell their children how the Sorting Ceremony worked, so Siobhan had to keep it a secret, but she was still surprised by the voice in her head despite having been forewarned.
"Quite a lot of spirit," the voice continued. "A dash of recklessness, much strength of heart. Loyal to a tee, and clever if you put your mind to it. Let's see...Slytherin is out for sure."
A smile came to her face at that. Her mam had said that only bad wizards came out of Slytherin.
"Ravenclaw could work, if you pushed yourself in the right way. Alas, no," the hat mused. "Hufflepuff might be a very nice match, eh?"
No! she thought, glancing over at the table where students had yellow-trimmed robes. While they looked nice enough, her mam had said Hufflepuff students didn't amount to much of anything.
"Ah, but you're quite the fighter," the hat said. "Yes, I can see that now. Strength of heart indeed. Best be, GRYFFINDOR!"
The final word rang out into the hall as the far table began applauding loudly. The witch pulled the hat off of Siobhan's head, and she went over to the red-decked table. Siobhan sat next to the blonde girl who'd been the first Gryffindor sorted and looked around the table. All the happy faces were already turned to the next student being sorted, and a warm bubble began to inflate in her chest. Despite feeling out of place her entire life, she had an inkling that perhaps she could find a place here at Hogwarts.
HPHPHP
It turned out that finding a place here was more difficult than Siobhan had initially thought.
Hermione, Lavender, and Parvati were fine dormmates, but Lavender and Parvati had become attached at the hip within two days, and Hermione sort of got under everybody's skin, so Siobhan was left without much in the way of friends. She could try reaching out to the first year boys, but they intimidated her for reasons she couldn't quite define. (The girls intimidated her too, if she was honest, but she at least knew how to interact with them.)
And so, for a month and a half, Siobhan kept largely to herself, which was something she'd always done and was quite used to. Still, it was rather depressing, having to continue the loner habits she'd developed throughout childhood at the place she thought all that would change.
Sitting out in the common room by herself, she saw Parvati and Lavender in a corner by a window gossiping about something as Parvati braided Lavender's long blonde hair. Siobhan tugged lightly at her short locks; she'd never liked having long hair, no matter how much her mother had encouraged it.
A bout of cajoling laughter sounded to her right, and she saw the first year boys gathered around a chess board. From what she could tell, Ron had spectacularly beaten Neville, which she didn't think was very fair because Neville didn't seem to be good at much of anything. Harry and Ron high-fived while Dean gave Neville a comforting smile. Neville didn't seem too upset, though, as he was laughing too.
Siobhan felt a longing as she'd never felt before when she watched them. She wanted to join them, and not just play chess with them. She wanted to...well, she wanted to be one of them.
She'd never fit in with the few girl friends that lived in her neighborhood in Ireland, but she'd attributed it to them being Muggles and her being a witch. But after these past couple months at Hogwarts, surrounded by witches and wizards, that reasoning didn't stand anymore.
She closed her eyes against the feeling in her stomach, like a snitch was whizzing around inside and making her nauseous. This longing had been in the back of her mind for so long, and now that it had been brought to the forefront, she didn't really know what to do with it.
HPHPHP
[content warning: forced coming out, misgendering]
"You don't have to be shy, you know," Parvati said to Siobhan one morning, smiling gently as she put her long dark hair into its standard plait. "We all have the same parts."
Siobhan paused on her way to the bathroom, where she'd been changing for the past two months. Her grip tightened on the robes in her hands, and her heart beat a little quicker.
"That's the problem," she mumbled.
"What'd you say?" Lavender asked.
She cleared her throat and answered loudly, "I said, that's the problem."
There was a pause, and Siobhan considered fleeing and locking herself in the bathroom for the rest of eternity. Her heart was beating in her throat now. She chanced looking at her dormmates and was surprised to see only mildly confused looks on their faces.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.
"I…" Siobhan swallowed.
"Talk to us," Parvati said quickly, sitting down on her bed and patting the spot next to her.
Siobhan hesitated, then walked over, conscious that she was still in her pajamas. She sat next to Parvati, and Lavender and Hermione gathered closer.
"I've, uh, sometimes—well, since I was a kid, it's…" Siobhan pursed her lips. She'd never before tried to express this feeling aloud, and it was suddenly hard to find the words. "I think I, uh, was meant to be a boy."
Siobhan squeezed their eyes shut, waiting for the girls to turn on them. Surely the reactions would be negative: name-calling, accusations—
"Oh! I've read about that," Hermione said promptly, interrupting Siobhan's thought spiral. "That's called transgender."
Siobhan looked at her, mouth agape. "What?"
Hermione nodded. "It's when people feel different on the inside, I think. So on the outside you look like a girl, but on the inside you feel like a boy? Is that right?"
"I think so," Siobhan said slowly.
"I've never heard of that," Lavender said, folding her arms and frowning.
Hermione shrugged. "Might be a Muggle thing."
"So that's why you don't want to change in front of us?" Parvati asked.
Siobhan nodded. "I just feel weird."
"So do you want to move to the boys' dorm?" Lavender asked.
"We should go talk to Professor McGonagall," Hermione suggested. "She'll know what to do."
Panic flared up inside Siobhan. "No! No!" Siobhan looked down at her hands, which were knotted in the robes she'd yet to put on. "I've…Ye're all the first to know. I've never told anyone else. It's…"
"Scary?" Parvati finished, then smiled and gave Siobhan a side hug. "Well, whatever you decide, we'll support you."
"Yeah," Lavender said as Hermione nodded fervently.
Siobhan smiled and felt a little teary, for this reaction was completely unexpected.
Hermione glanced down at her watch. "Oh, we'd better get down to breakfast."
Parvati stood up and smiled at Siobhan. "You change, and we'll save you a seat downstairs."
Siobhan nodded and smiled as they all departed through the dormitory door, then allowed a few tears to roll before furiously wiping them away. Determined to act as if nothing had changed, Siobhan dressed and went to breakfast and attended classes as normal. But when Siobhan and the girls arrived back at Gryffindor Tower that evening before supper, it was the end of pretending.
As they went up to the dormitory that evening, Lavender was doing a spectacular impression of Professor Binns' droning voice, and they were laughing with her as they walked through the doorway to the girls' staircase. Siobhan was only a couple steps up the staircase when suddenly it wasn't a staircase anymore, and it was a stone slide instead. All four of them tripped, slid, and landed in a mess of limbs at the foot of the staircase. There was a yelp somewhere up the tower, and a moment later a sixth year came down on top of them.
"Which boy tried getting up the stairs?" she asked irritably, clambering off the group of first years and casting an appraising look over the common room.
"What boy?" Lavender asked in confusion, but Hermione quickly swatted the back of her head.
"Oh, he ran off," Parvati said, straightening up and trying to help the others. "Don't think he was expecting it to do that."
The sixth year rolled her eyes. "There's always one in the beginning of the year."
"How long till it goes back to being stairs?" Lavender asked, rubbing her head and lightly glaring at Hermione.
"No telling," the sixth year said with a sigh. "Could be five minutes, could be an hour or longer."
"Well, no point waiting around here," Parvati said, then grabbed her dormmates and pulled them out of the common room.
"Why did that happen?" Lavender whispered once they were down the stairs a little from the portrait hole.
"It had to be Siobhan, right?" Hermione said. "She said she's a boy, and the staircase doesn't work for boys."
Parvati turned to face Siobhan, whose face was white.
"I know you're scared, but I don't think we have another option. We have to talk to McGonagall," she said. "Now."
Siobhan could do nothing but nod. Parvati started leading the way, then realized she didn't know where Professor McGonagall's office actually was. Hermione took them to the staffroom, where Professor Flitwick gave them directions.
Despite the detour to the staffroom, they arrived at Professor McGonagall's first floor office much faster than Siobhan would have liked, and Siobhan stood rooted to the floor several feet away from the door. Lavender noticed and walked over, squeezing Siobhan's wrist.
"Come on now. It'll be okay," Lavender murmured. "There's nothing we can do if you can't get up the stairs, is there?"
Siobhan nodded and allowed Lavender to pull them jerkily forward as Hermione rapped clearly three times on the door. It opened moments later, Professor McGonagall looking curiously down at all of them.
"What is it, girls?" she asked. "You should be getting ready for supper."
"We need to speak to you," Parvati said. "Privately."
McGonagall raised her eyebrows but, upon seeing the seriousness on Parvati's face and Siobhan's pale and terrified expression, she let them in and closed the door.
"Please explain," she said, summoning three more chairs in front of her desk. "And have a biscuit." She indicated the tin on the edge of the desk.
Siobhan was mildly tempted to grab one as an excuse not to talk, but everyone was waiting expectantly and nausea was rising so fast that Siobhan wasn't sure a bite would stay down. They all took a seat, and McGonagall waited expectantly, but the words couldn't seem to crawl their way up Siobhan's throat.
"Siobhan?" Parvati prompted gently.
Lavender took Siobhan's hand and squeezed tightly. Siobhan's eyes closed, and then she took a breath.
"Th...the staircase," Siobhan said slowly. "It's a...slide."
McGonagall sighed softly. "Yes. A protective measure put in by our Founders—"
"That's not it, Professor," Parvati interrupted, then nodded at Siobhan to keep going.
The words were stuck in Siobhan's throat, harder to say than expected. It was supposed to be easy now, wasn't it? Since it had been admitted once, saying it again should be a piece of cake. But now...now Siobhan was having doubts. Was this right? Was this how Siobhan actually felt? Would this be moving too fast? What if Siobhan changed her mind?
Then Lavender squeezed Siobhan's hand again, and Siobhan remembered how good it had felt to tell the girls and be accepted, how good it felt to be recognized.
Siobhan squeezed back, and then began again. "It...is a slide for me."
McGonagall tilted her head to the side, her expression not changing a bit as she listened intently.
"I'm a…boy," Siobhan said. "I know I don't look it, but it's true. I told them this morning, and now the stairs won't let me up."
"So you see," Hermione said, "Siobhan has to be transferred to the boys' tower."
McGonagall nodded slowly, then turned to Siobhan. "Is that what you wish? We could provide other accommodations if you require."
Siobhan swallowed thickly. "The boys' dorm is fine, I just—"
"You're worried about how you will be received?" McGonagall finished.
Siobhan nodded.
"I believe it will all be fine. This is not the first case of a student switching dorms," McGonagall said. "I'll have a house elf move your bed to the boys' tower. Is there anything else you require? A different name to go by, or—"
"N-No, ma'am," Siobhan said. "Not right now, anyway." A sudden panic flared up. "And—and could ye not, er, not tell me mam about this?"
"Of course," McGonagall replied. "I will go with you to explain to the other boys the new situation."
Siobhan imagined that: standing behind McGonagall as she explained to the boys that Siobhan was now to be staying with them. Siobhan blanched at the thought, and Lavender noticed.
"It's okay, we can tell them," Lavender said.
"How?" Parvati asked. "Won't the stairs not let us up?"
"Oh, that's only for the girls' stairs," Hermione interrupted. "It's in Hogwarts, A History. The founders thought boys were less trustworthy."
"Take five points for Gryffindor, Miss Granger," McGonagall said with a smile. "It's always a pleasure to see a student interested in supplementary knowledge."
Hermione beamed, and then they were all escorted out of McGonagall's office.
"I shall alert the Headmaster, of course, but I see no reason why this cannot stay between us for now," McGonagall said to Siobhan in a hushed voice as they lingered in the doorway.
Siobhan smiled gratefully. The walk up to Gryffindor Tower seemed to go by much faster than normal, and they quickly crossed the common room to the boys' staircase so as to attract as little attention as possible. They had to go all the way up to the top floor, just like in the girls' tower, and they saw the four boys standing around a fifth bed looking confused. Siobhan recognized the trunk sitting underneath the bed as hers.
"Oh, erm, hello," Neville said upon noticing them.
"D'you know if we're getting a late transfer student or something?" Ron asked.
"Sort of," Hermione said. She'd become friends with Harry and Ron since the events of Halloween night, and Siobhan was grateful for that connection, as it seemed like they were more likely to listen to her now. "You know Siobhan?"
Siobhan had kind of been hiding behind Lavender and Parvati, but the two girls stepped aside at that moment, and the boys' gazes locked on Siobhan.
"Yeah, we're partners in Potions," Dean said, smiling at Siobhan.
Siobhan smiled back. "The, uh...the trunk is mine."
"Are you...living here now?" Harry asked.
Ron looked confused. "But she's a girl!"
Siobhan's insides twisted, and she looked down at the floor. "Not really. I'm uh…" Siobhan looked at Hermione.
"Transgender," she supplied helpfully.
"Yeah," Siobhan said. "It means I'm a boy on the inside."
"And anyway the girls' stairs turn into a slide if Siobhan tries to go up them, so this is the other option," Parvati explained. "McGonagall cleared it already."
"If that's alright?" Siobhan said. "I promise not to be a bother, and 'm sorry to be forced on ye like this, it's just—" Siobhan sighed.
"Of course it's alright," Dean said, then looked at the others. "Right?"
Harry and Neville nodded. Ron looked a little dubious, but he shrugged.
"Great!" Hermione said, clapping her hands together.
"And if you're mean to him, we'll hear about it!" Lavender said fiercely.
Siobhan was so shocked by Lavender's use of him that she forgot to be touched by the rest of Lavender's sentiment. It was such a small difference, yet so very nice. It certainly felt better than "her" at any rate. Siobhan was amazed at what a difference a three-letter word could make. It felt like part of the place Siobhan had been hoping to find for herself was located in that simple word.
"Let us know if there are problems," Parvati whispered as she and the other girls passed, then they all disappeared out of sight.
The silence that followed after the dormitory door clicked shut was the heaviest and most awkward silence Siobhan had ever experienced, and it immediately crushed the him-induced euphoria. Siobhan stared at the floor, feeling more self-conscious than ever before.
"I'll, er, unpack later. See you at supper, then," Siobhan said quickly, following after the girls down the stairs.
In the Great Hall, Siobhan sat with Lavender, Parvati, and Hermione. The boys joined them a few minutes later, and Siobhan had never felt so out of place and alien in her life. Ron blushed when he looked at Siobhan and quickly looked away, instead sitting next to Hermione with Harry across from him. Neville gave a little wave, and Dean smiled and sat next to Siobhan but didn't say anything. Dean's presence actually relaxed Siobhan some; it felt like they were just sitting together in Potions like normal.
Later, Siobhan lingered in the common room while everybody dispersed themselves either up the staircases or into the armchairs. Once everyone seemed occupied, Siobhan slipped behind the door to the boys' staircase, hoping nobody noticed. The last thing Siobhan wanted was even more attention.
When Siobhan arrived in the dorm, the boys were each either sitting on or mulling about their own beds, and didn't look up. Feeling isolated, Siobhan quickly pulled out the pajamas and changed in the bathroom. Siobhan then went to bed and pulled the curtains tight, wondering if this was perhaps a huge mistake.