Chapter Text
"I can't believe I've had access to your room for almost a year now and I still haven't contributed to your doodle walls."
"Don't say 'had access', that sounds creepy."
Jean leaned across his boyfriend to paint a lopsided smiley face on the wall above the headboard.
"Artsy." Armin said dryly. "Very original."
"I call him Raphael."
"I call it rubbish."
Jean frowned down at a smirking Armin and flicked his paintbrush against his nose. Armin sneezed.
"Oi, don't insult an artist's work."
"It took you months to even admit you liked drawing, now you're claiming the 'artist' title." Armin teased, rubbing at his nose and smudging the blue. He then sat up to face him with a cautiously eager expression. Jean recognised the excited gleam in his eyes and braced himself to what was about to happen. "Does... does that mean you're considering it?"
Sighing, Jean sank back onto the bed and rolled onto his front. He mumbled against the bedspread. "Armin, we've talked about this... "
"No, we haven't - not really. Just look at the website again for me, we can go through the course specifications together. I know you were worried about the extracurricular requirements but you can get in, baby, I know you can. Look, I've already started your application for you -"
"Armin!"
He already had his laptop on and open at the online application page before Jean had even sat up to gape at him. "I'll help you with the wordy bits, and of course you need to have a folio of artwork prepared to send to them but I can't really help you with that. And look, the campus is only an hour away from mine so we can get a place somewhere in the middle so we can split the travel time and still come home to each other. Plus, if you see -"
"Arm, you've already told me all this and I know, it sounds great but," Jean placed his hands over Armin's that had been flitting across the keyboard, a familiar sadness stirring in his chest. He thought they'd already settled this; that Armin had understood last time they'd talked about it. Clearly his reasoning had fallen on deaf ears. "You have a scholarship - you have a place at the dorms for free. We couldn't afford an apartment together here, never mind in Germany."
"And I've told you I can get my parents to help with that." Armin rolled his eyes as though Jean were making things more difficult than they needed to be. "I'm pretty sure Mum would be desperate to do something to make up for all the crap she's put me through - put us through."
"I'm not gonna live off your parents, I've told you that. And Armin," Jean tried to make his tone as gentle but firm as possible. "Even if we did figure out the money and where to stay and the language barrier and whatever, I'm not going to get in to the course. I'm not good enough. You know that. I'm not coming with you."
Armin ripped his hands from Jean's grasp and shoved the laptop away. Angry tears were already starting to fill his eyes, just like they had the last time they had this conversation. "You're not even willing to try. Don't you want to be with me?"
"You know I do, but it's not that simple."
"It is that simple. I'm not going anywhere unless you're coming with me."
Jean groaned. "Armin, we -"
"Fill in that application or I'll refuse my scholarship."
They stared at each other. Jean in disbelief, Armin in teary determination. "You don't mean - "
"I do mean it. I swear I'll call the board right now if you don't fill in that god damn course application and at least try to give us a chance. Say whatever you want about me throwing away my future, then you'll sound exactly like my mother. But the future means nothing without you in it."
Jean knew he was bluffing. He had to be. Armin had been unable to contain his excitement about his scholarship for months, and spent a lot of that time convincing Eren and Mikasa that he wanted it; making them understand and accept his decision. That in itself had seemed been harder than getting the scholarship in the first place.
Jean himself had accepted it the moment Armin told him he wanted to apply. He'd already made him the promise that he'd support him through any decision, and he knew this might be one of them. Of course his heart ached to think that Armin would be leaving, but he loved him enough to know that it was what he wanted and didn't try to talk him out of it. He didn't even think about it - he'd never want to take something that important away from Armin.
But even now, Jean couldn't be too sure. He'd become pretty good at knowing when Armin was toeing the dishonesty line, but this time he wasn't willing to risk it. Or at least, he just didn't want to see Armin's crying face right now.
"Okay, okay, I'll do it." He reached for his furiously weeping boyfriend and murmured soothingly as he stroked his hair. "So don't cry anymore, alright?"
Armin shuddered against him and relaxed. "Thank you." He mumbled. "And don't half-ass it, okay? I'll help you. It'll be fine. We'll be fine."
"I know."
***
He didn't want to tell him. He knew it was inevitable, and that he'd expected this result anyway, but that didn't make it any easier. The funny thing was, he did actually try really hard. He'd worked harder on it than anything else in his life. And not just for Armin's sake, but for his own. And it'd meant nothing.
Well, not nothing. But not much.
He decided to tell him when they were finally alone in the privacy of his own living room. It was rare for them to spend time at Jean's instead of Armin's, but the Kirschsteins had left on a family outing for the day (excluding Jean of course - he had no interest in wasting a perfectly good Saturday getting lost in a nature park of all things) - leaving the two teenagers alone for a while. Armin was always excited to spend time at Jean's instead of his own house, which Jean didn't question for obvious reasons.
Just a few months into their sixth year at Shiganshina High had already left them too tired to do anything but laze about when they had the time. They'd curled up on the living room sofa, heating turned up full, with Armin in control of the remote. He was subjecting Jean to a marathon of Nickelodeon's Avatar which meant talking about anything other than the attractiveness of the broody teenage firebender wasn't an option.
"I still don't get it. Sure, he has good hair now but who cares? He's still a moody brat."
"He's cute."
"Doesn't make him any less of a moody brat."
"I like moody brats." Armin stretched his arms and rolled on to his front in one fluid motion, reminding Jean of a cat as he nuzzled against Jean's open palm. "Especially the cute ones."
"I'm going to be very offended if you're suggesting that I'm a moody brat."
Humming, Armin crawled further up to rest his head against Jean's shoulder and played idly with a stray thread from the seam of Jean's sweatshirt. Jean's too-small AC/DC sweatshirt that Armin hated. "Do you think you'll be one of those people that spontaneously become good dressers when they leave school?"
"Wow. It's just one insult after another today. I already said you could take me shopping for your birthday, didn't I?"
"Mm... Um, speaking of leaving... Have you heard anything back yet?"
Armin's voice was quiet with tentative hope, and Jean could feel his quickening heartbeat against his own chest. It only made him feel worse as he closed his eyes and took a breath. "Yeah. I got a letter last week."
He paused to watch Armin's hand still, the black thread still pinched between his fingertips. He could practically hear all the accusations whirring around in Armin's head, connecting the dots immediately against Jean's seven word response.
"I was trying to figure out how to tell you. They can't take me on this year - too many better people applied and were accepted before I could be. But the head of the department wrote back personally and asked me to apply again next year when I'm better prepared. So I guess I've sort of got maybe a toe in the door? Not quite a foot but -"
"No... No, this is okay. We can work with this." Armin nodded his head against Jean's chest, mussing up his hair before he sat up to stare at the AC/DC logo. "This gives us a whole year to make sure your reapplication is perfect. And we can both get jobs to save up for when we move over there. This might actually be better."
Frowning, Jean propped himself up on his elbows and reached up to tilt Armin's chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. "Armin, look at me. What are you talking about? Nothing's changed."
"You're right. This was always the plan if your application fell through the first year. I can call the board at my university, and ask if they can hold my scholarship until next year. Dad knows the head of the board, he can make it happen." Armin leaned forward and kissed him, and Jean knew he was lying. "It works. Baby, this is better."
"You're not listening to me -" Jean sat up, grasping Armin's upper arms to push him back so he was situated in Jean's lap. Face-to-face, Armin had no way of hiding the upset in his eyes. "You are going to Germany. I'm staying here. You'll whizz through your first year at uni, and I'll ask Keith if I can go full-time while I work on my folio and maybe take an art class at Shiganshina's college. I'll apply again next year, and if I get in I'll come join you and we'll figure out everything then."
Armin's mouth opened and closed uncertainly, silent for a few moments before he shook his head erratically, and it broke Jean's heart to see him so conflicted all over again. "No, I... I told you I'm not leaving without -"
"What was it you said to me last year? About not letting me - not letting us get in the way of what you want? You told me that. And Armin, I know you want this. Please don't let me be the reason you give up your dream. I'd never forgive myself."
"I'm not giving up, just postponing -"
"Armin, do you know how proud I am of you?"
His boyfriend froze again, his eyes wider than Jean had ever seen them. It made him wonder if anyone had ever told him this before, and then he felt a familiar anger as he realised that probably no one had.
"When you first told me you were applying to university, and that you knew it was what you wanted I was so happy. I mean, the way you stood up to your family about what you'd decided, and refused to let them talk you out of it - amazing. And you know I mean Eren and Mikasa as well as your parents when I say that. You're going after what you want for a change, and what makes you happy - and I'm so fucking elated and proud of you for it."
"And if you think you can convince me you'll be happier here then by all means, go ahead and try. But I'll never believe it, and I'd be a shitty boyfriend if I pretended that I did. I love you, and I'm gonna miss you so much it'll feel like I'm gonna die - but I'm still gonna encourage you to go with everything I've got."
Armin was still staring at him, speechless with watering eyes. Then he jolted when Jean placed a hand on his chest and hummed. "Do I always make your heart race like that?"
A surprised but genuine laugh slipped from between Armin's lips before he covered his mouth with his hand and mumbled into it. "Often, and for various reasons. Urgh, damn it. What is it with you and these annoyingly emotional pep talks?" He sniffed before rubbing his face into Jean's t-shirt. "Stop making me feel things."
"Never." Jean kissed the top of his head. "So, can we just officially outline the plan then? You're gonna go to Germany next year and blow all their nerdy minds away with your amazingness. I'll piss you off with an endless stream of texts and skype calls until you're sick of seeing my face and hearing my voice -"
"Never." Armin pulled back and smiled. "All the while you're here working hard and saving up so you can join me when my first year ends."
"Oh god, your first year. Isn't the first year at uni just parties and alcohol?"
"Probably not where I'm going, Jean." He laughed, before tilting his head in thought. Jean wanted to bite his cheek. "Though I wouldn't rule it out."
"And please don't leave me for some tall handsome German dude. If you feel like you're about to slip, just call me and we'll have the most amazing phone sex ever."
"I don't doubt it." Armin leaned forward to rest his forehead against his boyfriend's, bring his hands up to rest at either side of Jean's head. "Jeez... I hate it when you're the reasonable one. You're going to ruin my reputation."
Jean gave a snort, responding that he was the voice of reason more often than not in their relationship. He was always the advocate of healthier food, honesty, safe sex (boy, Armin was not a patient bottom), finishing homework before fooling around -
Yeah okay, they both kind of fell flat on the schoolwork thing. But Jean felt like he shouldn't shoulder any responsibility for that one - Armin had started that guilty habit in the early stages of their relationship. Not that Jean really had any issues with that. But still - Armin's fault.
Oh boy, Armin. Sweet, amazing, beautiful Armin. How am I going to make it through the year without him? Jean thought. The idea of not seeing his boyfriend every day for so long was more baffling to imagine than anything else right now. Who else would help him make sense of Eren's humour and Mikasa's cryptic remarks? Who would talk him down and make him see sense after a stupid argument with his family? Who would laugh at his terrible jokes and play with his hair and make him feel like he was worth something?
"Oh my god." Armin's smile slid as his eyes widened. "Who's going to cook for me?"
"Oh god." No, okay. He should be more worried about Armin. "Whatever you do, please remember to eat something half decent every day and jesus, call me if you're even the tiniest bit worried about the noise the toaster's making."
"Hm, maybe my roommate will be able to cook."
"What roommate?"
He should definitely be worried about Armin.