Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She can still feel her fingers on Joel’s guitar. Her head in Dina’s lap. Her hand on Abby’s throat. 

I shouldn't be here. This is ... dumb.

Ellie sits in a hidden patch of grass on the outskirts of Jackson. The sun has never shone brighter on the town she once called ‘home’, with blooming flowers surrounding its entrance and the faint laughter of children emanating from behind its walls.

It seems so peaceful down there, Ellie thinks to herself. A tranquil place of refuge. Beautiful. Safe. Yeah, if only.

Ellie isn’t fooled by this idyllic image, this mirage in a desert of misery. Because she knows the truth: nowhere is safe. She learned that long ago.

It was the middle of an endless winter, when snow stuck to the ground so long she thought it might never melt. Jesse came knocking, pulling her out of the last restful sleep she’d have in years. She was dreaming of seeing Pearl Jam in concert. Their lead guitarist got attacked by infected and carried him away. Ellie had to step in. 

And she played his part perfectly. Got a standing ovation. But everyone in the crowd was Joel. 

At the time, Ellie was almost grateful Jesse forced her out of bed. 

From her room to the stables, she thought of nothing but Dina—her lips, her freckles, the baby hairs that curl around her ears. She wondered if the night before meant something. She hoped it did.

Then came a blizzard. A joint. A kiss. A few more.

Ellie remembers wishing she had remembered to brush her teeth that morning. She’d regret much more than that in due time.

Later: a door. Endless stairs. His screams. A few more.

Somewhere between that moment and the next, she felt guilty for thinking of Dina all day. For not waking up earlier. For not forgiving him when she had the chance. 

From the basement floor to her tear-stained pillows, she thought of nothing but Joel—his favorite flannel, his owl mug, the movie they were supposed to watch that night. 

And from his grave to her gun, nothing but Joel—when he first called her ‘baby girl’, when he gave her a guitar, when he took her to space. 

One kill to the next, Joel never left her mind. There was no room for Dina, for JJ, for happiness.

Not while Abby’s still out there, she used to tell herself. Not while she gets to live and he doesn't.

Ellie wonders if that anger is still inside of her, somewhere. Deep down, she knows it is, and that she must be prepared to fight it again when the time comes.

Tied up in thoughts that there aren’t enough therapists in the world for (assuming there are any therapists left in the world), Ellie turns to the next best thing: her journal and a pen that’s running out of ink.

I’ve been outside Jackson for almost a day. Nobody’s seen me yet. Security is lacking since the town lost Jesse and Joel since last year. 

What am I doing here? Dina doesn’t want to see me. She’s probably moved on. ARGHHH. Why did I do this?

Without thinking about it, Ellie sketches Jackson at the bottom of the page. The church hall, the market, the greenhouse and two little smudges she pretends are Dina and JJ waiting for her. 

But by the last stroke of her pen, she realizes what she’s done. She’s created a fantasy, a lie, that will only make it harder to move on. She looks down at her journal and sighs. 

“You made your choice, Ellie,” she says out loud for no one to hear. “Now you’ve gotta … I don’t know.” 

And with that declaration of uncertainty, she swings her backpack over bony shoulders and leaves Jackson to be nothing but a memory on a page.