Chapter Text
The thing about Eddie was that he was smarter than most people gave him credit for.
And yes, maybe feelings weren't his strongest suit, but he had to be blind not to realize his own feelings for his best friend.
It was old news, really.
And for all that he loved Buck, he still thought he was either very oblivious or uninterested. Except that he knew Buck, and his friend was the type of person to not hold back from what he wanted. Which meant that, yeah, maybe he could flirt with Eddie sometimes, but in the end, it meant nothing. So his immediate solution was to keep his feelings close to his heart. And no, it wasn’t a matter of him being embarrassed or repressing things. It was practical: he loved Buck and Buck did not love him the same, or at least, didn’t want to do anything about it.
And it was fine, really. Eddie was a grown-up. He could live with it. Hell, he had it better than most and, if he could choose someone to have one-sided feelings for, he was glad it was Buck.
Because Buck was good. He was decent and kind and loyal and Eddie was sure that, no matter what happened, Buck would never turn his back on him or Christopher. He couldn’t feel disappointed in himself for loving someone like that.
So Eddie was managing, really.
He took Bobby’s advice and asked Ana out. And he didn’t regret it. She was great, beautiful and sweet and she liked him. Even after the shitshow that was the skateboard incident, she liked him. And if he wasn’t madly in love with her, if it wasn’t the greatest love story of his life, that’s just because this was the real world, and things like that didn’t go according to expectations. And yet, everything seemed very easy , all things considered. Christopher fleeing wasn’t opposition to Ana herself, and once his son talked things out with Buck (who gave Eddie the highlights over a beer can afterward), that was settled too.
Ana had her place in his life, and Buck was still there. A little less than usual, but he was still there, so Eddie couldn’t really complain.
Taylor Kelly was a component he had not considered.
He wasn’t proud to admit that he was pissed off with Buck in the beginning, to seem so eager to invite her back into their lives, like she hadn’t done those shit things when they were drugged. He would never forget Bobby standing on the firehouse’s roof, his desolated expression, and how Taylor seemed so willing to record all of that like she had some sort of right upon it.
Buck said she had changed, and Eddie thought “Yeah, right” and proceeded to prepare himself for the moment she was going to fuck up again and he would be left to put his friend back together.
Except that she didn’t. And as Eddie was (not very willingly) back into her presence, he had to admit that Buck had been right about her being a watered-down version of the tiny monster he had in his memories. Taylor Kelly 2.0 was surprisingly fine.
And Buck was apparently in love with her.
He wanted to be happy for him. Buck hadn’t dated anyone for almost as long as him. And sure, the situations were very different since Eddie had lost his wife under very complicated circumstances, but he knew how much Buck’s previous girlfriends had affected how he saw himself and how he approached romance. Him wanting to move on with Taylor was progress; it was a good thing.
Or so Eddie was trying to convince himself.
He couldn’t help the teasing; even if it came out more petty than he would like. But Buck's denial about the relationship didn’t sound as light and easy as he expected. It was almost like he didn’t want to confirm out loud that he and Taylor weren’t together. And the weight on Eddie’s stomach wasn’t getting any better.
The treasure hunt was supposed to help.
At first, he thought it was stupid.
In his defense, there were a ridiculous amount of accidents because of that. Part of him was pissed at this stupid author that was apparently okay with establishing chaos in his hometown for kicks — especially when the idiot was dead and wouldn’t be faced with any consequences for putting people at risk for apparently no good reason. As a father, Eddie’s mind traveled straight to the many kids and teenagers that would probably get themselves into trouble and get hurt trying to find the treasure.
But, as time went through and his anger diminished, the idea started sounding more inviting. Okay, so maybe it was stupidity. But it wasn’t like disapproving was going to help in any way. And, thinking about that much money, how easier it would make his life, how much it could mean for Chris’ future… Eddie caved.
He and Buck were a great team, and his friend was one of the smartest, most resourceful people he knew. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to find the five million before others, but he was confident that they would have a very good chance.
If, of course, his best friend hadn’t already pushed him aside in favor of Taylor.
Okay, that wasn’t fair. Buck had been excited about the treasure from the start because of course he was, and the rest of the 118 had turned him down quite quickly.
Including Eddie.
So he was upset, but he could recognize that he kinda had it coming.
But Buck’s face got that guilty, eager-to-please quality, and he ended up agreeing with teaming up with Eddie. And Taylor. And wasn’t that just awesome?
That resulted in Eddie standing in Buck’s house, looking between him and Taylor, and being mostly ignored. Buck was staring at her with a soft, dreamy look in his eyes, and the two of them were talking and figuring things together, and Eddie hated it.
He found himself regretting the idea, not knowing if it would’ve been better to just stay out of their way and spare himself the pain, or if the sickly pleasure he got from knowing they wouldn’t do anything with him there (despite that clearly putting him as the third wheel), was worth it.
He was definitely not about to win the Friend of the Year award.
He convinced himself that it was fine. He hadn’t counted on Taylor Kelly, but he could deal with it. He could be happy for Buck, he could wish him the best. He deserved to be happy; both of them did. It would hurt like hell, but it was inevitable. Because Buck wasn’t someone that would be happy being alone for the rest of his life. And if Eddie, for more that it broke his heart to know, didn’t fit the bill, then he deserved someone that would be good for him too. Someone (he couldn’t believe he was saying that) like Taylor Kelly.
So, if he had already accepted all of that, why was him sitting on the passenger’s side of Buck’s jeep right now, feeling like he had something to fix?
Buck was awfully quiet. And when coupled with the distracted eyes and the bitter, slightly down-turned set of his mouth, it was even more concerning.
Eddie was getting more and more used to seeing that expression on his face lately. In the beginning, when Buck had just started therapy and the ever-joyful act was replaced by a more subdued one, Bobby, Hen and Chim had worried. Buck’s normal high energetic and wide smiling self was replaced by that slightly dislocated version and they all worried.
Except for Eddie. Because, even if Buck seemed more serious and sharper, he was still Buck. And even better, now his smiles seemed to cost less for him and came with more sincerity. The mask was slipping, but instead of showing a broken, terrible version underneath, it offered that one that seemed so painfully real and approachable that if Eddie hadn’t already been in love with him, he definitely would now.
He knew it wasn’t easy for him to try and drop the constant activity, but Eddie was proud nonetheless.
The fact that it made it easier to tell when something was bothering his best friend was just a bonus.
“C’mon, try not to look so disappointed,” Eddie said in the silence of the car, pulling Buck back from his thoughts, “You know that there was the possibility that the entire thing wasn’t really real. It was still fun, wasn’t it?”
Buck smiled. “Yeah, yeah, I know. It was fun. I’m not really disappointed about that, I think.”
Eddie raised one eyebrow. “Really?”
Buck chuckled. “Okay, maybe I am. I mean, five million,” he gestured widely with one hand, “You can’t tell me you aren’t a little disappointed.”
“Five million divided by eight,” Eddie lifted a finger demonstratively.
Buck sent him a sideways glance, unamused. “Regardless.”
Eddie laughed. “I don’t know, man. Would it be cool to find it? Would it be nice to win that money? Yeah, definitely. But I guess I was more curious to see if we could than actually expecting to succeed.”
Buck shook his head, full of fake disdain. “You dream too little, Eds. You miss all the fun like that.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Eddie dismissed the thought, “So, if the money isn’t the reason for that face, then what is it?”
“There’s no face but my normal face,” protested Buck, “I always look like this.”
“You’re a worse liar than Christopher.”
Buck sighed, resting one of his elbows on the window and rubbing the side of his face. The shining sun caught in his profile, lightning those stupidly long blond eyelashes, the curls of his hair, evidencing every shade of blue of his eyes, and Eddie yearned.
He was silent for so long that Eddie was convinced that he wasn’t going to answer, but just when he had resigned himself to wait for another day, when he had his things sorted, Buck spoke.
“Taylor turned me down.”
Eddie blinked, surprised. A horrible part of him was giddy, relieved, but he suppressed it the best he could. A bigger part, though, was confused. Seeing the two of them working together… Eddie was certain that there were feelings there, from both sides. That was precisely why he had had a petty, jealous attack, for God’s sake. He couldn’t understand why Taylor would cut Buck’s advances — why she would want to do that when she had Buck interested in her was an entirely different matter that Eddie was thoroughly ignoring for the sake of his own sanity — if they seemed so in tune with each other.
“Oh,” he let out, a beat too late, realizing that Buck seemed to be expecting an answer, “I’m sorry man. I really thought she was into you.”
Buck shrugged. “Yeah, I thought so too.”
“I’m sorry,” Eddie repeated, uncertain of what else he was supposed to say. What is one to say when their best friend and the guy they’re in love with is sad that the woman they like doesn’t like them back? “That must suck for you.”
“Yeah, but not— not in the way it seems, though,” answered Buck, sounding tired, “I’m not that much of a dick, I didn’t expect anything from her. And I’m fine with her not wanting anything with me, really. I respect her decision, it’s not that I think— I do not—”
“Buck,” Eddie interrupted him softly, “I know.”
His friend took a deep breath. When he spoke again, his voice was just above a whisper and Eddie had to pay close attention to listen.
“It’s just that I keep making these life resolutions and saying I’ll do better, that I’ll be better. And I feel good about it too. I’m not doing it for anyone, but for me. I know you guys think it’s dumb every time I refer to myself as Buck 1.0, or 2.0, and now, 3.0. But it’s just the way that I find to assure myself that I can get through things and learn and be a better me than I was before. A more worthy version, one that doesn’t fucks up so badly. And maybe, next time, people will stay for me. It won’t be so easy for them to leave, because I won’t be disappointing them.”
Eddie couldn’t speak for a really long moment. That was— No, that was so not fair.
He only found his voice when Buck parked outside of Eddie’s house.
“Buck, that’s—” Eddie didn’t even realize he was shaking his head, “You don’t need to get better. The you here right now with me is good enough.”
“Yeah? Then why does nobody seems to think so?”
“That’s not on you. Hey—” Eddie surged forward, touching his shoulder. Buck was rigid, grabbing the wheel with both hands, body tense. “ That’s not on you. You don’t need to try and be better for people that don’t value you.”
Buck turned his head slightly, looking him in the eye. And, like a switch had been turned, all fight left his body. He sighed, rubbing his face again, looking defeated.
“That’s nice and all, but all evidence points otherwise,” he said, and before Eddie could argue, he changed the subject entirely, “Hey, do you think I could come in and see Chris for a bit? I miss the little man.”
Eddie stared at him, hand still on his shoulder (and tingling like he was a fucking teenager with a crush), considering if he was willing to fight Buck about it right there and then. He needed to know how stupid that whole idea was. How crazy and absurd was that he was once again taking the blame for other people’s shortcomings as if he caused them.
But Eddie knew Buck well enough to know when to fight him about something and when to let it go. Telling him all the good adjectives Eddie had stored in his brain (and believe him, it was an awful lot) now would do no good. He wouldn’t believe him, would think that Eddie was just saying those things to be nice. He had, after all, changed the subject, meaning that even if he was willing to do that, Buck wasn’t feeling like crying for hours in front of Eddie’s house for hours on a Saturday morning.
“Sure,” he conceded because he was never going to say no to Buck wanting to be with Chris, but the thoughts were still swirling in the back of his mind. “He’ll be happy to see you. And get ready, because he’ll be asking everything about the treasure hunt.”
“Thanks, man,” said Buck, way more softly than the situation required. If his eyes were moist, Eddie didn’t comment on it.
“I should be the one thanking you. He was brooding when I left last night because I refused to take him with me. You better make the story pretty extra to distract him from the betrayal.”
Buck laughed, and Eddie was relieved to see it was sincere.
“Don’t worry, it will be epic!” he jumped out of the car, a new hop to his step.
Maybe he didn’t love Eddie the same way Eddie loved him. And that was fine. But, he could at the very least make sure Buck knew just how important and perfect he is just the way he is.
Because if someone deserved to know how much they were loved, that someone was Buck. And if there was someone with enough love to never make him doubt, well, Eddie knew his feelings would come in hand for something.