Chapter Text
Healing from trauma was never easy, and it took a long while.
Crow and Glint both knew it, moreso now that they were fully living it.
It had taken some time but Glint had regained Crow’s trust, Crow stopped sending Glint away while he ran errands Glint hadn’t liked it but he did take comfort in the fact that Glint always returned cheerful, tried to boost his spirits and even came back polished each time.
He knew his sister -not Uldren’s- was behind the kind act. He felt bad for not looking after his Ghost more, knowing that polishing felt like a massage to Ghosts . He needed to find some polish sometime, he needed to apologize to Glint.
He was still mildly upset at his sister for being involved in Uldren’s death. He couldn’t blame her but he was upset. He occasionally saw her when he was on assignment with the Cabal, but she avoided him, giving him the space he requested. He secretly watched her in combat from time to time, marveled at how quickly she learned from the Cabal, learning the most effective ways to hunt the Hive. Caitil had given her a form of Fireteam as well, in the form of a tusked Centurion, her Warbeast and a chatty Psion. She protected them like her own family, and the team had even fought at Caitil’s side on a few occasions.
Crow settled on his bed, crossing his legs under him while Glint settled in against his neck in his hoodie. He needed to meditate, to clear his head and bask in his Light. It was refreshing and it helped him reflect easier. His gold-amber eyes slid shut as he took a deep breath, reaching deep within for his light. He could feel it’s warmth, it’s comforting embrace while he focused on his breathing.
For a while all he felt was nothing but his Light, the comforting weight of Glint against his neck and the sound of his ship in orbit above the Dreaming City. Slowly even that began to fade until he felt nothingness.
He eventually was aware that his surroundings had changed, it was warm, not unlike his light but different. His body felt slightly heavier, as though he was wearing his armor. He opened his eyes, finding himself in a bar he had never seen before. It was a human bar, complete with old worn tables, a polished wooden countertop and soft lighting that set the building with an almost orange glow. Around him glasses clinked, people laughed and chatted amongst themselves and drank merrily.
“What is this place?” Crow asked himself looking around. Glint shifted against his neck as he drifted into the air. “Glint?”
“My guess would be a dream, but you can’t dream of places you haven’t been to or people you haven’t seen before.” Glint responded.
“I… what are you doing in my dream? You almost never appear in my dreams, not like this anyway.” Crow’s draw dropped as Glint turned around to face him again.
“True but… it may be our link. I was meditating with you.” Glint pondered. “I still think it’s a dream.”
“I can assure you, this isn’t a dream.” A modulated voice spoke up from right behind Crow.
Crow and Glint jumped as a heavy bottle was placed on the table with a thud, followed by a glass. The bright blue glowing liquid sloshed around in the bottle as another Hunter moved into Crow’s field of vision and took the seat right across from Crow. Crow’s stomach dropped, his blood turning to ice as he stared at the Exo.
He was starting directly into the eyes of Cayde-6.
“You’re right, it’s a nightmare.” Crow muttered to Glint, his voice trembling.
“A Nightmar- are you serious?” Cayde rolled his eyes. “I show up to you like this to talk, and you call me a nightmare? Oh my cotton socks!”
“Wait, why are you appearing to me like this?” Crow asked, sitting up straighter. “I- Uldren killed you.”
“So? What’s your point?” Cayde sighed, uncorking the bottle and pouring himself a drink. “I’m not here to talk to Uldren, he’s not the current pain in my ass. I’m here to teach you a few lessons kiddo.”
Crow was dumbstruck, his jaw falling open as the Exo lifted his glass, pausing at the former Prince’s expression. “What? You honestly thought I was here to take some kind of revenge against a dead man? Buddy, if I wanted to hurt you I would have, but you see… Ace already has a new owner and you have a fancy Hand Canon of your own. Besides, I believe in second chances, and this is yours, whether you like it or not.”
“I… but… This… you’re dead, I killed you!”
Crow’s declaration rang out across the bar, seemingly unheard by the other patrons. The music and chatter was just as loud, as if the hunters at their table were ignored.
“Did you or was it that Peacock of the Reef?” Cayde drank from his glass. “Pretty sure the Lightbearer known as Crow never wielded Ace of Spades.”
Glint chimed as he settled back against Crow’s neck. “He has a point.”
“I.. I may not be him but I have his memories, I wear his face, I live in his body!” Crow lowered his head, holding it in his hands. “I… I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought I knew until Savathun showed me my past but… now I feel lost.”
“And so you learn one of the more important things about being a Guardian. It’s a rare lesson that very few get to learn, and even then, it varies in degree.” Cayde put his glass down. “How do you feel?”
Crow looked up at Cayde with a glare. “You’re mocking me.”
“I’m not, really.” Cayde stated, pouring himself another drink before looking back up. “Ok maybe a little bit, but really…. How do you feel, you don’t look like you’re keeping it together all that well.”
Crow leaned back looking up at the beams in the ceiling. “Lost, alone… like I’m trapped in some dark pit of despair. Everytime I feel like I’m nearing the bottom, I drop further and further. On some days, having Glint by my side is enough that I hit a… a barrier if sorts, one I can’t see and it’s enough that I can’t fall any further… but on other days…”
“Bet you ruminate over your experiences right, you relive bits and pieces over and over again.” Cayde suggested watching the younger Hunter nod.
“It’s like I’m obsessed with the past, thinking about it over and over, wondering how long I have until I become that if which I fear.” Crow whispered with a nod. “Pain is becoming cathartic now. When I’m hurt, it’s a distraction from my inner turmoil, it… it sounds sick to say but it’s almost like a relief.”
“It’s not self-inflicted.” Glint clarified as the Exo’s brow raised then fell with relief. “When he’s not on assignment, he goes exploring.”
“Well that’s relief to hear.” Cayde sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “Had me worried for a minute.”
“Why?”
“I may not be Vanguard anymore, but back when it was, it was my job to check in on my Hunters. Mental well-being is just as important as physical wellbeing, and not everyone vents the same way.” Cayde offered the glass to Crow who shook his head. “I even tried to help Ikora and Zavala back before… you know.”
“Your job is to watch everybody else’s back.” Crow quoted remembering the audio logs Tidal had let him listen to. “Because no one’s watching your back but you.”
“You know…” Cayde swirled the drink in his glass. “Uldren never liked Guardians, hated us. He never would have saved Zavala. That was all you, hell you saved your sister too on Europa too. I don’t think you’re Uldren, not any more buddy.”
Crow squirmed in his seat. “It makes me question that now… if I saved her out of Uldren’s desire to find and help Mara, or if it was born out of my own desire to protect someone I felt close to?”
“Well?” Cayde Shrugged. “Has that changed any?”
Crow swallowed, thinking on it. “At the time I just reacted. She cared about me and on Guardian matters such as our abilities, she was a mentor to me so I felt a kinship towards her… Now.. Now I wonder if it was a part of Uldren latching onto her unconsciously.”
“Has she ever treated you like Mara, manipulated you or… whatever?” Cayde took a sip from his drink.
“..No actually. She’s always given her love freely and encouraged me. It’s something Uldren never got and…” Crow paused, realizing something. “She didn’t know… She didn’t know what Mara had done, at least I don’t think… Not until recent.”
“Ya see? Love doesn’t have conditions, and those who do put conditions on it, aren’t worth their weight in salt.” Cayde leaned in closer, watching Crow Idly reach out with his finger to trace a know in the wood of the round table. “You learned that didn’t you?”
“Not really… I considered returning to Spider for a while. It wasn’t a great environment, but at least… At least he was straight with me.”
“He wasn’t.” Cayde sighed angrily and leaned back. “Ok look, since I died, I followed around my friends, kept an eye on them and helped them when need be. I followed Tidal for a LONG time, this kind of thing ATE AWAY AT HER.”
Crow looked at the Hunter, taking heed as he emphasized the Titan’s pain. “She eventually put it aside again, and let me tell you, it took her AGES to heal and move past that, but coming to terms with Riven’s involvement helped. Now she’s realizing that Savathun and your sister played much bigger roles than we expected and honesty… Savathun’s not the only Queen to distrust.”
“This… it’s reopening a lot of old wounds isn’t it?” Crow asked watching Cayde nod.
“Yup! But sometimes, we have to reopen them again to properly heal and come to terms with it all.” Cayde nodded. “That’s why I’m here. For you to heal and find your way, we need to re-open some old wounds, maybe current ones.”
“I’d rather feel comfortably numb really.” Crow shifted a bit, kicking his feet up into an unoccupied chair. “If I don’t feel anything it won’t hurt as much and I don’t have to think about it, or I don’t fall as much when I fall back into despair… but then again, its how Uldren started down a dark path, isn’t it?”
“It can sometimes be the downfall yes.” Cayde confirmed.
“Then when, WHEN will I stop feeling like all of this is my fault? Like I deserved it? When will that day come? When will I stop asking myself if I’m doing the right thing, if I deserve anything good? When will I stop questioning myself, wondering if I’m doing enough to be my own person or to not mirror a man I’ve now come to hate!?” Crow leaned in closer to the Exo who set him with a pensive look. Glint squeaked and tried to keep from tumbling out of Crow’s hood as Crow pounded the table with his fist. “When do I finally reach a point where nothing matters except being who I want to be, instead of who I was?? WHEN DO I FIND COLSURE!?”
“That depends on you.” Cayde said flatly, watching the angry man. The sounds of the bar softened and muffled, allowing Crow to calm and focus on the Exo across from him. “Everyone has their own coping mechanisms, everyone has their own pace and comfort levels. Some of us find closure in our own way, or learn to accept and cope with it. Some of us even find closure where we don’t expect it. That kind of healing takes time, a long time… sometimes we never fully heal, but we try, and if we can’t we at least take comfort in the fact that we dealt with it, or tried to.”
Crow fell silent for a while, turning his face away when the Exo didn’t answer his question. Cayde downed his drink and pulled a glass out of nowhere and poured a drink in both glasses. “Here I’ll break it down for you… You didn’t deserve to be slaughtered repeatedly by other Guardians, maybe they thought you did but you didn’t. You didn’t deserve to be manipulated by Spider, that whole ordeal just churns my stomach and if there’s ever a guy who DOESN’T deserve a second chance, he’s one of them. That was just plain CRUEL.”
Crow looked back noticing the Exo slide a glass towards him. “PV’s comments? Well Uldren DID kill a lot of his own people so while not completely unjustified… I’d say they were more uncalled for. As for everything being hidden from you, as you’re finding out, maybe it was better off staying in the past, BUT Ikora, and Zavala need to accept blame for not going after the Guardians who killed you, they need to reissue a statement about this.”
“I… you may have a point.” Crow reached for the glass, inspecting the liquid and sniffing it. “Is this even safe to drink?”
“Sure! It’s not like anything will happen to you here anyway. At least, I don’t think so.” Cayde tapped his Chin. “Now where was I?”
“Something about me not being told?” Crow asked looking to Glint before swallowing the drink. It tasted like a sour raspberry, but the burn of alcohol and the odd aftertaste made him pull a face. “Blegh! What the hell was that?”
“A favorite drink of mine. Want another glass?”
Crow paused then slid his glass to Cayde. “Why not? It’s not like I’m going to get drunk anyway.”
“Ah…. I like you, shame things happened the way they did.” Cayde shook his head, refilling the glass. “Right, now your sister- no not Mara- you must have noticed by now that she’s got a Hunter’s heart… Everyone blames me but she was always like that apparently. Anyway, like any Titan she’s got a set of morals and sometimes that conflicts with orders or how she feels. Sometimes she breaks rank and does what she seems is best for the situation at the time. Trust me, she WANTED to tell you, she really did… she KNEW this was coming and she felt powerless to stop it.”
“You think she wanted to tell me?” Crow asked as Cayde slid the glass back.
“Unless she’s planning things, she calls a spade a spade, she doesn’t play games like that. She’s all about loyalty… except those few.” Cayde smirked. “I bet you know a few examples.”
“Spider especially. She said she hated to manipulate him or anyone really, but she did for my safety and benefit. He… She really doesn’t like him.” Crow smirked and he swiped a finger across the lip of the glass. “Lakshmi though… Ohhh she REALLY crossed Tidal. I remember how she defied the Vanguard’s orders and smuggled me back into the City to do a number on the War Cult after House light was attacked. Ikora didn’t approve of the operation, but I think she secretly respects us for it... That and Tidal backstabbed Lakshmi well.”
“See? You sister has morals, but when threatened she can be forced into positions that she doesn’t like and it can be disastrous at worst and at best, she can be extremely rebellious.”Cayde warned. “Now the rest of your troubles… That’s up to you to figure out.”
“How am I supposed to figure this out?” Crow asked rising his glass.
Cayde made a noise, watching Crow down his drink and hold it out for a refill. “Not entirely sure. If… if I was in your position and I asked Ikora, she’d probably tell me to get therapy and I’d laugh at her but… but maybe your not ready yet or it’s not your thing. I’m not sure. Usually, I was just an open ear, or I’d take folks out somewhere to help them blow off steam until they opened up a bit. It… it helped some folks.”
“You know.” A feminine voice spoke up as Sundance materialized at Cayde’s shoulder. “Maybe you can take a different approach. Instead of dealing with it head on, try writing down how you feel, and how you want to feel or how you who you want to be. From there decide what you want to do and set goals. You can prioritize and reorganize your goals and milestones accordingly.”
“Oh that’s a wonderful idea!” Glint chirped. “Break things up into smaller objectives. It would be much more manageable that way!”
“I… suppose that could be a better approach.” Crow murmured as Cayde refilled the glass. “You said something about distracting others?”
Cayde grinned. “Yeah, and it wasn’t always shooting bottles. Sometimes it was Poker, or Chess… others liked to race or build things. A few liked to study or discuss findings. It was boring sometimes but it came in handy and listening made them feel like someone was trying to understand and listen to them.”
“Would finding an outlet be wise?” Crow asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck
“Of course! Some Guardians were into the performance arts, others baked or had creative outlets. They were healthy coping mechanisms for many.” Sundance encouraged.
“I’m no artist, but I do write stories sometimes.” Crow blushed. “Mainly fantasy that contains some resemblance to my experiences. Knowing what I do now about Uldren’s life, I can understand where that comes from… but I can accept that part if him. It was benevolent and entertained children.”
“That’s great!” Cayde cheered startling the younger Hunter. “That could be a coping mechanism, you know, to help you. Who knows maybe while writing you could help sort some things out.”
“Maybe, it’s not like I can confront my past directly…” Crow sighed, taking another gulp of his drink. Before he had time to lower his glass, Cayde spoke up.
“Perhaps there is.” The Exo watched Crow’s eye flick upwards towards him.
“What do you mean?”