Chapter Text
The truth is that Tony never had the chance to fall in love with Loki.
He thought he did in the beginning, when he was still full of confidence with the ability to make anyone want him. He had been so sure of himself the moment he touched eyes with the green-eyed god that it drove him into an obsession he never saw coming.
Nightmares never leave him sweating, not a man like Tony Stark, never when he is free of fear, always because he says, it's no fun on the side lines, and challenges death time and time again, not even when he's gotten shrapnel in his chest, not even when he's bloodied and bruised, not even when arc reactors fail him, because he's still survived them all, and Tony Stark isn't the kind to back down without a fight.
He wakes up sweating the day after he meets his match and has dreamt of lips curled up so aggravatingly that it makes him cuss and swear at what he sees down himself when he's up in the morning and shivering the fuck out of himself because he's scared amongst the want and lust. He starts a new file, project Loki, because he can't think of a better name than just that, and he doesn't care if the HQ finds it, doesn't matter, he hacks into their system all the time anyway and deletes anything he wants to delete and kills all the bugs because he's a genius and geniuses with money can do anything they want to do.
It's picture after picture and article after article that he stores and tells Jarvis to never delete even if he tells Jarvis to in the future, and that instruction is absolute, because, because, because.
Loki appears in his workshop (sometimes), taunts him with laughs and soft touches and cruel words, leaves him with the same kiss, and leaves him to dream of green eyes and vicious lips. He knows it's not fair, and it only makes him try harder for Loki's heart just so for him to trample upon.
"What is wrong with you?" Steve asks, and Tony punches him again because Steve never hits him back, says, "There's nothing wrong with me, you bastard." Then drops to his knees because he's tired from exhaustion and Steve is always so understanding like he knows everything and that pisses Tony off because, you should stop being a fucking fairy godmother when you can't do magic, you bloody fucker, and Steve takes him home from the bar anyway.
Tony starts throwing parties again because he can, and because he doesn't give a shit what SHIELD has to say to him, you can shove that up your ass, says Tony, and does what he wants when he takes in drink after drink, and still sees Loki in the background, and doesn't know if it's himself having one drink too much or if that's actually Loki there, but he's always there these days.
He gets banned from work duty after he arrives there one day, high as fuck from LSD, and tries to offer Fury cotton candy, thinking it's funny, and Clint thinks it's funny, but it's not funny, because he's an adult now but that never stopped him from doing anything because he's (supposedly) not scared of anything that he lets himself go through.
The people from the HQ get Bruce, through orders, to try and hack into Tony's computer to find out what is going on with Tony because there's definitely something he's hiding from them, but no one gets as smart as Tony because he's clever and has the money to spend, and they don't find out what they want, never will, boo-hoo-hoo too bad for you.
Eventually they take away his Iron Man suit(s), and he doesn't stop them because he's long built in a system that makes the suit self-destruct if anyone else steps in, and they know it, but it doesn't matter, because they think it's better for him anyway. He doesn't care that much because he does have the money to spend and he's memorised everything by heart and he can build another just if he fucking wants to.
Pep tells him he needs to stop whatever he's doing with himself, and he still doesn't care, doesn't know how he's supposed to care when he's still high, or drunk, or something, and all he sees is green, black, green, green, black, green, gold, green, black, green, green.
Sometime before he starts taking drugs, all he does is drink himself into a coma to try to not see Loki, because he's still everywhere, what with his lingering fingers and his toxic words, go away, go away, you either go big or you go home, Tony says, and gets another peck on the cheek, and Loki says,in time, sweetheart, and leaves like he always does, and Tony pours himself another cup, and tries to forget about Loki by stumbling onto the pictures of Loki he keeps in his computer, leaves them open and wakes up to them. By the end of two weeks, he's learned every detail of Loki like it's in fine print of something he's came up with and left in his head.
He starts leaving shards of iron and ice (because), even if it melts, knives under his pillow, before he goes to bed, hopes they'll kill him in his sleep while he dreams of green eyes and merciless lips.
It's never easy to forget someone, not with the way Loki haunts Tony in his wake and in his sleep. Tony still sees him everywhere and he really doesn't know if it's fact or fiction, because sometimes Loki dissolves into thin air at his touch, Tony knows because he knows by word every single fucking thing he's compiled together about Loki, and sometimes they fuck like it's the first time because it's always the first time, and he thinks he's got a gift with one liners, but it doesn't matter, because he still stutters around Loki anyway.
After a while, Tony begins to hate his reflection because in his way off the limit doped up mind, all he sees is Loki, and his green eyes, and his vile lips, and Tony tries to make them disappear by slamming his fist into anything he sees them in, and there will always, always, be more Loki on the wall and on the floor, you're pretty with blood on your face, says Tony, and there's more Loki staring back at him, and Loki says, I know and so do you, and Tony laughs bitter, says, I hate my reflection for (you) the perfection I can never have.
He decides to get a lobotomy done because he knows his obsession with Loki is too much, because he's stopped being drunk and high for weeks now, and he just looks like shit these days, doesn't know how the hell he keeps his company running, does it anyway, still obsesses over Loki, does a lobotomy because he can, has the money too, and Tony Stark does what he wants to do.
He has his lobotomy done, and he's in happy land, and he left without even so much as a goodbye note to anyone, not to the SHIELD, not to his company, and not even to his trusty girl, Pep. But Loki knows, regrets, and he can't do anything to change what's happened, a bit too little too late, too much teasing, it was your fault, love. Soon people asks what's became of Tony, and Pep says nothing, but she knows it was because his heart was dying fast and he didn't know what to do, but I wouldn't have done the same as you, you stupid, stupid man.
In his mind, Tony's happy because he's with Loki now, and they're in love with each other. Sometimes they're sad because bad things happen, but it never lasts long, can't last long. They stay happy, they're always in love with each other, and his thoughts lie to him in the ways he couldn't have done to himself.
Even then, Loki never leaves his mind.
Loki still regrets what he's caused, will always, because he's the only one that visits these days, because he's the only one Tony never keeps secrets from, and he talks to Tony all the time, says, why won't you look at me again in the way you used to?, says, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, says, didn't you realise that the windows between us had been open the whole time?, says, come back, please, please, please, says, no one could ever look at me like you did, like I was something worth holding onto.
He's stuck in happiness in the (in)sanity of his mind, Tony, unable to tell that it's all fake, it's all just sweet dreams, that it's all fantasy, but at least he finally lets himself build good memories, lets himself smile, or cry, as they go by in his head. He doesn't see anyone in front of his eyes in the outside world for he's stuck in his own.
Tony talks to himself too, even though his face shows he's in his happy land, asks, why don't you leave me alone?, says, I see you everywhere, begs, just leave me, pleads, please don't leave me, grovels, I need you to love me back, tells no one, (tells Loki), I love you.
And he still can't see the outside world, not anymore, not even when he should when Loki laments and says, "I love you too."