Chapter Text
Chapter 47
Where it was dark, now there's light
Where there was pain, now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
A New Day Has Come Celine Dion
Two weeks later, Lyanna chose the darkest of her outfits, a soft black muslin dress with a low square neckline, embellished with gold patterns neatly embroidered on the long sleeves and hem. She washed and, sitting at the dressing table, smiled weakly at Eleanor, who had knotted her heavy hair and tied it with a thin black ribbon.
Among her other worries, she was heartbroken that she had been forced to hypocritically wear mourning clothes for Robert. Lyanna felt guilty every time someone offered her condolences. She had to dodge answering the lamentations that her child would never know their father.
After all, their father was alive and by their side.
Lyanna understood the expediency of these actions, but she could not lie and was angry at herself for being in such a position through her own fault. But she had no choice. Jaime, and she acted according to the situation. Lyanna fervently hoped that one day her offspring would understand and forgive them. By passing off her cub as Robert's heir, she was giving it a chance to survive.
“The Lannisters imagine themselves kings of the whole world!” Eleanor grumbled irritably, adjusting her bunched bonnet. “First, the son scares the hell out of me! Now it occurred to his father to see you, and I'm forced to drag you out of bed pregnant!” She continued to fuss, loosening Lyanna's corset a little. They had to give up the wide belt around her waist too, as the king's widow had gained weight noticeably.
Lyanna frantically grabbed the woman's arm.
“Thank you, Eleanor. For everything.” The girl whispered humbly. “I couldn't have done it without you.”
The maid nodded, smoothing her mistress's hair and suppressing her own unsolicited sobs. “My dear child, I didn't abandon you in distress then, and my gray hair is proof of that. I won't leave you now.”
Half an hour later, Lyanna slowly made her way down to the King's Hand's office, currently occupied by Tywin—pregnancy had made her clumsy. Her stomach was growing, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to navigate the stairs.
Before she could open the door, a squire sprinted out of the room. He quickly led her inside and motioned her to a chair with a prearranged cushion. Silently, turning on his heels, he slammed the door behind him.
Lyanna expected an explosion, but Lord Lannister seemed to have incredulous self-control. She noticed that he was unimaginably tall and very thin. His green eyes scrutinized every feature of her face.
Jaime's father was in his chair and sat in ominous silence, keeping his eyes on Lyanna and tapping the end of a letter-cutting knife that lay on the desk. He stared at her for several long, languid minutes, apparently deciding how best to tell his grandchild's mother what he was going to say.
Shivering with nervous excitement and dying of embarrassment, Lyanna perched there, feeling like an inexperienced fool. But she only pressed her lips tighter together, impassive and calm, so that from the outside it looked as if she were withdrawn in sullen indifference.
At last, Tywin announced it in a ringing voice. “And so, Lady Lyanna, I felt inclined to speak with you privately.”
Lyanna didn't like it, but gave a short nod nonetheless. To reinstate this man against herself would be a terrible mistake.
“Congratulations,” he smirked sarcastically. “Though King Robert has left you so early, he has rewarded you with an heir who has his whole life ahead of him and will have the best of everything.”
Despite her disgust at the deception, Lyanna realized he was right. For the first time since the minute she crossed the threshold, she decided to speak up.
“And what if it's a girl?”
“That would be highly unfortunate, since she would be passed over by Stannis.” Tywin informed her coldly.
Lyanna was filled with grim satisfaction at the thought of praying that she would have a girl.
“Even so, she would still be a Crown Princess.”
“I understand.”
“You don't understand anything.” Tywin snorted with annihilating contempt. “Once the sex of the child is known, we will announce your engagement to my son.” He went on businesslike, “Regardless, whether it's a boy or a girl, you'll marry Jaime and give me heirs to Casterly Rock.”
Lyanna tensed. She wanted to challenge his orders, instructions, and commands. She craved to ride a horse and hold a sword again. A longing for her home tormented her soul. She needed to leave King's Landing and go so far away that the whole Westeros would separate her from the people she had met in the capitol. She wished to escape King's Landing and longed to run away from that palace, where Robert still haunted her. Away from the place where her little Visenya died before she could live.
She ached to go north with Jaime, to dream with him. To reconnect with Ned and Benjen. To meet her little nephew, Robb, and even Catelyn. To find her father's image within her memory and ask for forgiveness.
But foremost, she wished to speak with Brandon again. With her brother, who had always encouraged her that no dream was forbidden.
Oh, how she longed for Brandon.
Furious at her icy silence, Tywin leaned forward impatiently. “Did I make myself clear enough?”
Still, this was not the time to bring up her childish fantasies. She had already been selfish and naive once, running away with Rhaegar. And where did her foolishness and recklessness lead her? She was faced with a cruel choice: to condemn her baby to being a bastard or base his whole existence on a lie.
Agreeing to this enterprise, Lyanna already knew that a law-born kid and the man she loved would not come easily, but she was sure that she would be able to do everything necessary. What little remained of her vague plans for the future—to return to Winterfell—gave way to the more pressing need to protect Ned and Benjen, Jaime, and her wolf pup. The only thing she could hope for was that her lover would see it this way too.
Not having an urge to show Lord Lannister that he had won, Lyanna replied briefly. “I want your son and ou…my child.” She corrected herself instantly.
At the sight of the pride that lit up Tywin's face, she clenched her teeth. “And if to have them both, I have to be either Queen Regent or the next Lady of Casterly Rock, then I'll be one.”
Finding herself back in the hallway, Lyanna slowly wandered toward her chambers. Then behind her, very close, came an agonizingly familiar voice.
“Lyanna.”
Someone's hand touched her elbow, and Lyanna's heart raced like a madman's. Unable to say a word, she silently let Benjen turn her to face him.
She lifted her head slightly, met her gaze with identical gray eyes, reached out her hands gustily, and felt the shake of warm, strong fingers.
“Benny.” Lyanna could only exhale her brother's name, suppressing the urge to throw herself into his arms. Pycelle had strictly forbidden her to make any sudden movements.
A slow, tender smile lit up Benjen's face, and as he continued to squeeze her arms, he said, “You haven't changed that much, sister. I was afraid I wouldn't recognize you now that you're queen.”
Scraps of thoughts darted around in Lyanna's head, her blood-pumping organ pounding erratically; suddenly, it was as if she were a teenage girl again. While her younger sibling looked as if he had grown a dozen years older at that time, the girl's soul suddenly snapped.
“Did you miss me?”
“Desperately!” Ben declared it without exaggeration.
Lyanna breathed out, relieved. Ned spoke to her dryly and somehow embarrassedly, as if something had gone wrong between them and it would probably never be fixed. Her heart sank at the thought that a meeting with her might be unwelcome to Benjen too.
“I nearly withered away from loneliness and longing for you.” She echoed the sentiment immediately.
“That's not what I've heard.”
Lyanna tightened her grip on his hand with a warning in her eyes. There had to be outsiders eavesdropping on them.
“What do you think of a walk in the garden, brother? I could use a little fresh air.”
Benjen was sore all over—joints, muscles, abrasions—from the days spent in the saddle with occasional stops for horse rest and drink. He needed to report to Ned, and he also hungered for sleep all day long.
Yet he replied, offering her his arm. “I would like nothing more.”
They sat down next to each other on a stone bench. The Blackwater Bay spread out below. The Red Keep was visible to one side, but from here, the castle did not look as grand as it did from the other landings. Other paths led to similar gazebos, placed in such places that they afforded equally fine views.
“It's such a shame I still can't get my breathing right. It seems I'm not able to walk anymore.” Lyanna complained, rubbing her stomach.
“Please do! I can't imagine dragging you back upstairs.” Ben joked.
Their shared chuckles tapered off as they both took the still, deep water in.
“We almost lost you, Lyanna.” Her brother finally broke the silence. “Again.” As nonchalantly and calmly as possible, he added.
The thought of her other brother holding a grudge against her nearly broke her will. With a convulsive gulp, Lyanna turned with difficulty and looked at Ben, scrutinizing his impassive face.
“I'm sorry.”
The lump in her throat was growing, the unshed tears were stinging her eyes, and the pain in her heart was becoming more and more unbearable. But she wouldn't let herself go soft; she wouldn't give in. She had to be strong. For her, babe, for Jaime and the choices they'd made.
“It's all in the past now. And we all have sins to atone for. Besides, it's been hard on you, too.” He patted her on the shoulder.
A sweet and bitter feeling pierced Lyanna, breaking down all the barriers she had erected, and the girl's chin quivered involuntarily. Her shoulders shook with relief and grief as her brother's arms wrapped around her.
“I'm scared, Benny.” Lyanna whispered hoarsely.
She waited to see whether her brother would give her empty platitudes, but he remained silent, rubbing her back.
“Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?”
She jerked her head up and saw him staring at her intently.
That was what she was missing! Jaime was too Lannister to understand her Stark consciousness resurfacing, while Ned was judgmental. Whereas Benjen simply acknowledged facts without condemning her.
“I have some strange, wistful feeling,” Lyanna confessed, raising her head and looking at him with helpless earnestness, “that something terrible is going to happen.”
After a little thought, she adjoined. “You see, after Rhaegar and... everything, I believed my marriage to Robert would be my atonement. But now I have escaped him. He is dead, while I'm getting my child, the man I love, and a castle either way. I'm terribly afraid that the price of fulfilling my desires may be too high.”
More precisely, she was terrified that its parents' sins would be exacted on her boy or girl.
Panic-stricken Lyanna clamped her eyes shut again, trying to disconnect herself from the horrible reality with all its nefarious intrigues, but the pain was too great.
Ben nodded, tried to say something, hesitated, but then spoke up after all. “It is not worthy to complain about the lot one has chosen for oneself, Lyanna.”
Lyanna flared up, and her mouth dropped open on its own.
Her brother noticed the state she was in and concluded with a slight smile. “Just like reflecting on and remembering faults you have already repented of and been punished for, I think you're more likely to find peace of mind if you rule wisely with what you get and help the spouse you chose for yourself.” He grimaced. “After all, it's your duty to your child.”
The kindness and compassion in Ben's eyes almost made Lyanna burst into tears again.
She wiped her eyes and even managed a crooked smirk. “Admit it, you like Jaime.”
Benjen furrowed his brows. “He lacks foresight and is clearly unreasonable.”
Lyanna straightened up in anger.
“But he was willing to have you dearly, no matter what. Not everyone would have shown such diligence.” Ignoring her reaction, he continued.
In spite of all, the Kingslayer gained Ben's favor through his valor and promptness of operation in their time of war.
Here, he took her hand in his and placed it on his knee. “When all is said and done, you will have a child to whom you will give your love and who will give his love to you. And Jaime will share that love with you. And you have me. We will help you get through this.”
A look of bewilderment shone on Lyanna's face. “If you end up staying in the Red Keep, I'll join the Kingsguard.” He explained.
Her other hand crushed his fingers almost to the point of pain. “Really?”
“I'm on your side, Lyanna. Just yours and his.” Benjen glanced down at her rounded belly.
If, with the help and support of his sister and nephew, he atones for his sins, so be it.
Lyanna lay in bed and couldn't wait to see Jaime.
Tywin, in his unapologetic manner, declared that if they were going to marry each other tomorrow, they might as well put it out of their minds right away. Since he had taken the trouble to convince everyone that there was nothing untoward between the Queen and her guard. However, if they did not follow the whole procedure of courting, no one would ever believe them.
“And how long do you think this courtship should last?” Jaime asked briefly.
“A month.” His father answered without hesitation. “A month after the birth, as soon as she can stand up, during which you will visit her, accompany her to various social events, and so on.”
After another hour of bickering and staring each other down, Jaime managed to narrow it down to two weeks after the birth, provided Lyanna was fine. In his mind, that would be more than enough to announce the engagement and get married in two weeks.
Ned Stark conceded easily, showing miracles of patience, which gave Jaime the impression that he didn't expect more.
Lyanna was tempted to suggest that her future father-in-law buggered off, though not that harshly, but she realized that, sadly, he was right.
Unfortunately, their time together was severely limited due to her condition. While, as yet, not being her husband, Jaime could not be caught in her room during the day.
Suddenly, Lyanna realized the reason for the strange tingling in the back of her neck. Without turning back to the secret door, she leaned back on the pillows and, smiling, asked.
“Is it you?”
“Well, if you're waiting for someone else, we can do it together.” A mocking voice sounded behind her.
Turning her head, Lyanna watched Jaime walk toward the cot. His camisole was slung carelessly over his shoulder, his golden hand gleaming in the candle flame.
“How are you feeling?” He inquired, sitting up on the mattress.
“I'm very tired, but happy.” She explained, hugging him.
“And the child?” Jaime didn't relent, answering with a kiss.
“More active lately than usual. They must surely feel my excitement for having you here.” Lyanna laughed.
“I'm extremely flattered by that statement,” her impossible lover smirked, but then he got serious again. “You need to get more rest.”
“But I don't want to.”
“Well, I hope the next king won't be shy about expressing his desires, just like his mother.” Jaime snorted, shaking his head.
Lyanna squinted slyly and quizzed, “What if you are wrong and that trait is passed on to the next princess?”
“Don't look at me like that. This news won't upset me. I would love to have a baby girl with your eyes.” He assured her.
Lyanna's heart clenched again, this time with happiness—it seemed as if she were about to soar to the heavens—when Jaime asked in return, gently running his hand over her stomach.
“And who do you want?”
Lyanna was reluctant to broach the touchy subject again but still decided not to avoid the topic. Jaime deserved her honesty.
“I don't know.” She confessed. “Some days, I think it would be easier if it's a girl. Thus, we could go to Casterly Rock with no care for the world. On others, knowing the rigid society rules forced onto women, I wish for a boy.” Lyanna absent-mindedly yanked at the bedspread. “And then most days, I'm just fretting over their looks.” She whispered immediately, horrified.
Alarmed by her sudden pallor, Jaime tugged her to him.
“It doesn't matter who we'll have or what they look like. No matter what, we will continue to do what we have been doing to this day.”
A long silence followed. Lyanna contemplated his blazing eyes. Her heart seemed to stop beating for a moment.
“And what's that?” Quietly, in a shaky voice, she demanded at last.
Jaime stroked her cheek. Both of them didn't move, except for him gently caressing her tender skin with his thumb. Then his gaze slid to the strip of scar on her neck.
My sister has threatened Robert to cut herself down like a swine, just so you don't get killed.
Part of him still resented that she shouldn't have risked so much for him. It must have hurt, after all! But that was fitting; they both picked their fights and won them. And now they were about to tread an unknown and possibly dangerous road. Yet there was something infinitely true about what they were about to do.
Jaime gave Lyanna a cheeky grin, forcefully wrapping his arms around her neck and pulling her lips to his. “We'll fight for our future together.”
Knowing his father, if the child was born a full Lannister, a long-forgotten golden-haired and green-eyed Baratheon ancestor would suddenly pop up in the books. And if worst came to worst, in Jaime's humble opinion, running to Essos was still a solid plan. But fearing to upset Lyanna again, he did not yet share these reflections with her.
So instead, he sealed his vow with a kiss.