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Jensen gets paid good money to be someone else all day, so he’d hardly describe his life as normal. But, some days are more surreal than others.
Take today for example. Last night, he’d been a guy like any other guy, out for a beer or two with friends. This morning, he wakes with a slight hangover and the aftertaste of a life changing revelation. Not exactly what he wanted for his birthday.
Goddamn Jared, with his goddamn dimples and his goddamn booming laugh.
Jensen wants to be who he was yesterday, before he knew. He wants to be that guy who only wanted to act and lucked into his dream job. The guy who has a great family and fantastic friends. If he could just be that guy, he’d be on the top of the world. Instead, he’s a walking, talking cliché – twenty-nine years old, firmly in the closet, and stupid in love with his totally unavailable co-star.
The urge to stay wrapped in his blanket and wallow is strong, but the clock on his nightstand tells him he can’t. A driver will be here in a half an hour to take him to the set. Jensen rolls out of bed and drags ass to the shower, hoping the hot water will wash the self-pity away. It doesn’t.
Stumbling to the kitchen, he looks longingly at the coffee maker, but there’s not enough time. He swallows two Tylenol with milk straight from the carton, then grabs an apple and a granola bar just as he hears the car pull up.
One deep breath in and he’s braced for his first performance of the day. He heads outside and climbs into the back of the SUV. Jared’s there, flipping through today’s pages. He nods at the cup-holder, currently holding two extra large coffees. Jensen grunts in gratitude and tosses him the apple. It’s their typical good morning.
Jensen can do this. He can run lines with Jared like they always do. He can grumble predictably when Jared rags him about his hangover. He can act like Jared is nothing more than his best friend.
Even if it is a whole new level of let’s pretend.
+ || + || +
Kripke’s in town to direct episode twenty. Jensen’s been looking forward to this and dreading it with equal measure. An excited Eric can be as endearing as a five-year-old at Toys ‘r Us or as chaotic as a howler monkey on crack. It’s pretty much a crapshoot. Supposedly, Kim’s around to rein him in, but Jensen’s got a sneaking suspicion their supervising producer derives perverse pleasure in winding him up instead.
The look on Eric’s face when Kim tells him to cut the daily shooting schedule from sixty shots to thirty is priceless. Kripke stutters like a motorboat - but, but, but. Kim rolls his eyes and then throws a wink Jensen’s way.
Yeah, this is gonna be fun.
Everyone’s in good spirits for the table reading. If nothing else, Eric’s enthusiasm is contagious. Jensen has to admit he’s intrigued by the episode’s concept. What would life have been like for the Winchesters if Mary hadn’t died? And who would Dean be without hunting to define him?
Jensen lets his mind wander through the possibilities, listening with half an ear as Kripke talks excitedly of alternate realities and shooting the whole thing warmer and softer. He’s yanked fully back into the conversation by Eric’s blithe, “And of course, Sam and Dean don’t like each other very much.”
Jensen’s eyes automatically swing to Jared, who’s leaning forward, mouth gone tight. When Jared speaks it’s like he’s reading Jensen’s mind. “What the hell?”
“They don’t hate each other or anything. They just don’t have anything in common. Wishverse Dean’s kind of a fuck up and Sam – well, Sam is Sam.”
Jensen’s not liking this one bit. “Eric…”
Eric gives a slight nod. “I know. I’ve already had this out with Bob and Raelle. It’s going to feel weird. But they can’t be close. If the one thing they have as hunters is their relationship with each other, the one thing they can’t have when they’re living these wonderful lives is that connection. I know it will be hard, guys. I also know you can do it.”
Jensen feels nauseous. Eric thinks he knows, but he doesn’t actually have a clue. It’s been nearly two years of fourteen-hour days, Jared and Jensen carrying the weight of the show on their shoulders. The only way they’ve been able to hold up is by standing back-to-back. Jensen needs Jared just as much as Dean needs Sam.
If not more.
+ || + || +
It’s only the first day and Jensen already misses having Jared at his side.
The single bright spot is that the cast for the episode is decidedly estrogen rich and includes a couple of friendly faces. Samantha is already on set and Adrianne flies in on Monday. When Jensen greets Sam, he wraps her in his arms and whispers, Hi, Mom in her ear.
She laughs, even as she gives him a swat. “I am not old enough to be your mother.”
Jensen grins. “Tell it to Kripke.”
Samantha looks over Jensen’s shoulder. “Speak of the devil and here comes the man himself. I’ve got to get to make-up. I’ll see you in a little while.”
Eric is clutching a dog-eared script. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
Eric looks almost nervous. “I have an idea of how I want you to play this, okay?”
That shouldn’t be a question. Eric’s the director here, not the writer. This really must be an alternate reality, because a tentative Eric Kripke is not an Eric Jensen has ever met. It’s a reminder that Eric has never done this before and it makes Jensen want to do whatever he can to make it easier.
“Just let me know what you need, and you’ll get it.”
Eric’s relief is obvious. “So, we’re putting Dean in this place where he gets to have his mother.”
Jensen nods. “And that’s big.”
“It’s massive. He’s going to get all the warmth and comfort that he never had. It’s going to take him right back to that four year old who loved his mother. I need you to be that little boy, Jensen.” Eric waves a hand to encompass the unusually brightly lit set. “You have all of this and it warms you and it touches you in a place you so want it to be true.”
“I can do that.”
There’s nothing tentative about Eric now. “I’m sure you can.”
The scene with Samantha takes the better part of the day. Jensen keeps Eric’s words in mind and gives it his best. It’s difficult to play a Dean stripped of all his defenses, and in the end he’s not so sure he pulls it off, but Eric seems sure enough for the both of them.
+ || + || +
Jensen still has scenes with Jared, but they’re fewer than normal, and way more uncomfortable than he’s used to. He knows that it’s just this version of Sam and Dean bleeding over into their relationship, and it actually works for the dynamic Eric’s after, but that doesn’t mean Jensen has to like it.
Five days in, they break from What Is And What Should Never Be and start filming All Hell Breaks Loose, it’s vaguely schizophrenic, but it’s necessary in order to accommodate Adrianne’s schedule. Working on the finale is almost worse, because Sam and Dean spend virtually the entire episode apart.
And Jensen knows how it’s going to end.
There’s a ball of dread that’s made itself at home in his stomach. He’s got a laundry list of emotional scenes coming up that all seem custom made to kick his ass. And he’s got too many people inside his head. There’s Wishverse Dean and a Dean that’s hanging by his wrists in a warehouse, who will literally have to kill himself to wake up. There’s the Dean that’s searching for Sam and will find him, only to have his brother die in his arms.
There hardly seems room for Jensen, much less for the Jensen that’s a guy like any other guy and the Jensen that’s frantically trying to conceal his feelings for Jared.
It’s only a matter of time before something gives.
Their first day back on What Is And What Should Never Be, Dean reaches out to Sam and Sam flinches. It’s what he’s supposed to do, but Jensen is tired. He’s so fucking tired. It's the only explanation for what happens next. He momentarily loses his connection to Dean, and Sam rejecting Dean blurs into Jared rejecting Jensen. And it hurts.
God, it hurts.
Jensen tries, but he can’t keep it off his face.
Jared sees. Jared always sees. Sam disappears in an instant and Jared moves forward even as Kripke's calling “cut.”
Jared steps into Jensen’s space and wraps a hand around his upper arm. “Jen?”
Jensen closes his eyes. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Shut up. You don’t need to be sorry. What you need is a break.”
“I’m fine, Jay. Let’s just go again, okay?” Jensen knows he sounds a little too desperate, but he can't help it.
Jared’s hand tightens. “I don’t think so.” He looks over to Eric. “We need a minute.”
It’s a statement, not a request. Eric tilts his head in agreement and Jared pulls Jensen off to the side. Jensen is mortified. He’s never broken character in the middle of a scene. Never.
“I’m so fucking sorry, man. I’m not sure what happened there, but…”
“I am. I need you to listen to me, Jensen. This is not you and me. This isn’t even Sam and Dean, for Christ’s sake. This is some fucked-up, alternate reality version of them and it’s going to be over in a couple of days.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.” Jensen blows out a long breath. “I’m fine, Jay. Let’s just get this thing done.”
Jared is looking at Jensen appraisingly. He must be satisfied with what he sees, because he eventually nods. They make their way back to their marks
Two takes later, the scene’s in the can.
+ || + || +
It’s ten o’clock and Jensen’s about to go to bed when there’s a knock on his door. He opens it to find Jared with a half-rack in one hand and a bucket of chicken in the other. He steps back to let Jared in. “What are you doing here?”
Jared manages to shrug even with his hands full. “I’ve got a twenty in my wallet that says you skipped dinner.”
Sometimes it scares Jensen how well Jared knows him. But since the scent of eleven herbs and spices is making his mouth water, this probably isn’t one of those times. He takes the beer from Jared and heads to the kitchen to put it in the refrigerator. He throws, “Make yourself at home,” over his shoulder as he goes.
He returns to the living room with two beers, two plates and a roll of paper towels. Jared’s sprawled on the couch, drumstick in hand. Jensen helps himself to thigh piece. It’s extra-crispy, his favorite. Jared prefers original recipe.
“You didn’t have to do this, you know.”
“I was hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
“And the sky is blue, and water is wet, and you need a fucking keeper. Are we done stating the obvious now?”
Jared sounds pissed and that sets Jensen back a bit. “Jay?”
“You need help, you’re supposed to come to me, Jensen. Not make me stand around and watch you drown.”
“I’m…”
“You say you’re fine, I’m gonna have to call you a liar.” Jared tosses what’s left of his drumstick onto his empty plate. “Don’t make me do that, man.”
Appetite gone, Jensen abandons his own piece of chicken and takes his time wiping his hands. He needs to carefully consider what he says to Jared next. He can’t lie, but he can’t tell the whole truth either. They’ll both have to settle for something in between.
“I’m not fine. You’re right about that. But, I will be. I promise, Jay.”
Jared sighs and leans his head against the sofa back. “Tell me what’s going on with you.”
Jensen has a hysterical urge to laugh, but there’d be no explaining that. I just realized I’m in love with you and it’s fucking me up is definitely not what Jared’s expecting, so Jensen sticks to what’s safe and mostly true.
“It’s this episode, man. It’s totally screwing with me. I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole.”
“What, like Alice in Wonderland?”
“I guess. Nothing’s what I’m used to. Dean – he’s a fucking mess.”
Jared smiles slightly. “Dean is a fictional character, Jensen.”
“Yes, Jared. I am aware. But, he’s a fictional character I know. This is like a fictional version of that fictional Dean, and he has his mother and a gorgeous girlfriend, but he doesn’t have Sam.”
“I get it. There’s Sam and there’s Dean, but there’s no Sam and Dean.”
“Exactly.”
“Yeah, it’s a mindfuck, all right.”
Jensen feels like he’s dodged a bullet. Hopefully, Jared will just write everything off to character bleed and they can move away from Jensen’s potential meltdown. He grabs a fresh piece of chicken from the bucket. “This is really good. Thanks for bringing it.”
“You’re welcome.”
They eat their dinner in companionable silence. Jared clears the plates and brings them each back a fresh beer.
He taps his bottle against Jensen’s. “I was worried about you.”
Jensen swallows hard and tries to keep the little hearts out of his eyes. “I got that. Thanks.”
“I even talked to Kripke, told him that Sam wouldn’t be that way with Dean.”
“Let me guess. He said that it wasn’t Sam, it was Wishverse Sam.”
“Yep.”
Jensen chuckles. “That’s Eric for you. Our own little evil genius.”
Jensen’s breath catches when Jared’s laughter rings out unexpectedly. He works to slow his suddenly racing heart as he waits for Jared to tell him what’s so funny.
“If you’re Alice, then Kripke’s gotta be the Mad Hatter.”
“Okay, so what does that make you?”
Jared grins as wide as Jensen’s ever seen him. “I’m the Cheshire Cat, of course.”
Jensen takes a long pull from his beer to stop himself from saying something he’ll regret.
Goddamn Jared, with his goddamn dimples and his goddamn booming laugh.
Jensen is so fucking screwed.
END