Chapter Text
Date: June 19th, 2183
Time: 18:04
Location: C-Sec
This was it. The message Shepard had been waiting for. The reality of her situation sank in. After a week of recovering outside of the hospital, she finally received two notices. The first was her clearance to return to active duty by the doctor who had assessed her earlier that morning. One copy of that clearance had been sent to her, though the first had been sent to the Alliance hours earlier. That set the ball in motion for the other notice, this one from the Alliance, that cleared her on their side to return to duty, along with orders to report to the Normandy the next morning. Following a meeting with the Council, she knew her task. She would leave again, this time on a ship that was at her command, with the single goal of hunting down the turian that had put a bullet in her. Saren Arterius.
Duty never felt real until she had a date and a time. Now she had both.
Not once had she reached out to Garrus. The thought occurred to her, but she didn’t know what to say after all that had happened. The silence on his end made her think he felt the same. They had existed in gray before and were quite good at it, but his actions left her floating between what she wanted and what she thought was right. It wouldn’t have been right to spend this last week with him, only to say goodbye again, though she wanted to. But now that she had a departure date with no return in sight, and she wasn’t planning on jumping in front of another bullet anytime soon. She needed closure. If nothing else, she wanted her goodbye. The proper one he had denied her months ago. He owed her that much. She owed herself that much.
C-Sec was the first stop she made, dressed in her only non-Alliance pair of pants, a button down, and her Alliance issue boots. For the rest of the day, until stepping aboard the ship tomorrow, she wanted to feel like Jane, and Jane had goodbyes to make once again. Chellick had a habit of working late, according to what he had shared during his visits after she woke up.
Just like old times, when she approached his office, she stuck her head in the open door. “Knock knock,” she said.
Chellick looked up and his mandibles flew outward in a warm welcome. “Shepard, it’s good to see you again. Up and at ‘em like nothing happened. You sure it was you in that bed?”
“Pretty sure.” She chuckled. “And Thank you.” She took her seat at the desk. There were fond memories of conversations they’d shared in that room, just like that. It was surreal to be there again, as if months and a near death experience hadn’t separated her from a time where this was the norm. “Late night tonight?”
“Since Saleon, there’s been an abundance of smaller cases that have flooded my desk.” He sighed and set down the datapad in his hand. “Can’t say I miss that case, but I can’t say I like these too much either.”
“Is there ever a perfect case?”
“Well, no. But when we can close them, that’s the best kind of case.” He leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. “So, to what do I owe this visit? I don’t suspect a spectre is here to ask about my lowly C-Sec cases.”
“They aren’t lowly. Not by a long shot. In fact, I’d say I rather miss them. None of the work here almost killed me.”
“You weren’t here long enough,” he shot back.
She laughed, and the pang of remorse over leaving hit her. She made friends, and she would miss them dearly. “I suppose you’re right. I actually came to say goodbye.”
“Again?”
“Yeah, I ship out tomorrow. Not sure when I’ll be back.” She wanted to ask where Garrus was, not knowing what he’d been up to since she left the Citadel, but didn’t want Chellick to think that was her sole reason for dropping by. Their friendship meant a great deal to her. It was effortless and reliable.
“I’ll miss knowing you’re around,” he said. “It’s been great seeing you, even though the circumstances weren’t what I would’ve preferred.”
“I hope the next time I see you finds neither of us on the brink of death. But hey, if you ever prove me wrong about the dangers of working at C-Sec we can say the next round is on me.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.” They shook on it, exchanging playful smiles. “I don’t want to shoo you out, so stay as long as you’d like, but I’m curious if that’s all you came by for?”
Ever intuitive, Chellick.
“It’s not.” She leaned forward, elbows to knees, fingers laced. “We didn’t talk about it when you visited me, but I know Garrus spent time with me before I woke up.” The reality of that goodbye took hold of her, shaking her breath and stinging her eyes. With a deep breath, she continued. “I just want the chance to say goodbye to him before I go. A real goodbye.”
“Shepard. I don’t know everything, but… you don’t have to say goodbye, you know.”
She shook her head. “Maybe three months ago when I tried to say it the first time, it might not have been goodbye, but when I woke up and he wasn’t there…” She left the thought unfinished, but Chellick understood. Justified or not, Garrus had hurt her.
“I’ve known Garrus for over four years. To say he was distraught when you left would be an understatement. He hasn’t been himself.”
There was a tendency for her to hear about his feelings secondhand. “This whole week I’ve been here and I haven’t heard from him. At some point, I have to call it what it is. It was once a possibility, but that time has passed.”
“If that’s how you feel.”
She wasn’t sure that’s how she felt. All she knew was she had to see him. Maybe a goodbye would be the last stitch to the wound. Something to let her finally put them to rest. Maybe if she said it was over enough, she’d really feel like it was.
“Do you know where I can find him tonight?”
“Probably the same place he’s been every night since you left.”
There was only one place where she thought he could be, if not at his apartment or at C-Sec.
As she lifted from her seat, Chellick stopped her with a request. “Think about what I said?”
“I will.”
And she did. All the way to Chora’s.
Date: June 19th, 2183
Time: 18:29
Location: Chora’s Den
Garrus nursed his double on the rocks, taking to heart what Jenna said to him just over a week ago. Deep down, he believed he would never depend on a substance to get by, but Jenna’s concern made him more mindful. It was also because of Shepard. Seeing her gave him a bit of hope, especially after Nihlus called her his bondmate to secure his ability to stay past visiting hours. What that hope was for, he wasn’t sure, but he felt it. He had to believe Nihlus wouldn’t have lied unless it mattered that he stayed by her side.
When she woke, he had second guessed his decision to leave. He’d done it before, and if she ever found out he was there to begin with…
Garrus sighed. She would find out. He wanted her to. As he thought more about it, that wasn’t really the concern. Each time he thought about contacting her, the thought that she had to know he left thwarted the attempt. She didn’t reach out either. It was as if he knew somewhere inside that he, now just a C-Sec officer, was beneath her.
A week had passed. He had her updated contact info, but he chose radio silence. What he wanted and what she deserved didn’t align.
“How are you doing over here?” Jenna asked as she made her rounds, checking on patrons around the bar.
“All well here.” He raised his glass in a one-sided toast.
“Duty calls.” Jenna smiled and continued on to a krogan a few seats down, shaking his empty glass.
These nights were his favorite. Chora’s was pleasantly packed. Not so much so that it had been difficult to find a seat, but enough that there was no shortage of conversations around him. Other’s drunken problems weren’t in short supply.
He gave his drink several small sips as he overheard a loud conversation coming from halfway across the bar where a bouncer was shuffling out a guy that got a little too handsy with a dancer. Asshole. It was when his eyes followed the commotion of the drunken guest being taken out when his eyes landed on someone utterly unexpected. He turned forward in his seat and blinked hard before peeking cautiously over his shoulder, as if meeting her gaze again might turn him to stone. His mind had to be playing tricks on him. He faced forward again. Another sip, no two.
“Is this seat taken?” she asked.
He turned to face her, glass still within drinking range of his mouth as their eyes met. She was very much there, right next to him, in the flesh. His arm moved in slow motion as he attempted to put his drink down on the bar. When he was about to let it go, she reached forward and moved his arm so the glass made a clink as the bottom of it met the bartop instead of the floor. His eyes followed the path from where she touched him, up her arm, back to her eyes. He expected fury, but found cool detachment. It was the same way she handled Saleon, and it was how she would handle him.
“Hi Garrus,” she said, taking a seat beside him.
Anxiety curled all around her insides, constricting her in rhythm with her pulse. It was like he was seeing a ghost. She underestimated how hard it would be to look at him after all this time, the inner turmoil that would take root upon the soil where something had once sprouted, only to die. She tried to force apathy, hoping she could handle this with a level head, but the way he looked at her threw that card off the table.
“Hello,” he said. Stiff. Formal. But the way his eyes scanned her face was like the way he looked at her in moments they shared alone.
“Chellick said you’d be here.”
“It’s never a bad guess these days.”
“He said that too.” She planted her forearms against the bartop, coming into clear view of Jenna, who rushed over as soon as she finished sloppily pouring a mixed cocktail for a very irritated looking turian across from them.
“Shepard!” she shouted. “I’ve missed you! Chellick told me about what happened. I couldn’t get away to see you during visiting hours, but when he told me you woke up, I was so relieved to hear it. Did you get the dress back? When did you get out?”
Shepard had missed Jenna’s effervescent energy, the way she made the worst situations slightly more bearable just by being herself. “I did—thank you for that, though not sure I’ll find much use for it now. And I’ve been out for about a week.”
Jenna’s mouth dropped. “A week and you didn’t drop by beforehand? Well, at least you’re here now. Can I get you a drink?”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been busy.” She really was sorry, though the only thing keeping her busy besides some doctor visits was her very active mind. “And just water, please.”
“Who comes to Chora’s for water?” she joked as she poured Shepard a glass.
“Soldiers coming to say goodbye. I’m cleared for active duty, again. I leave tomorrow morning.”
“Shit, they really rush you back out there as soon as they can, don’t they?” Jenna set the glass down without looking, spilling some water. “Try not to get shot this time, okay? I’ve gotta tend to him.” She hitched her thumb at the same irritated turian. “But catch me before you leave. And cheer this one up.” She pointed to Garrus.
“I’ll try my darndest.”
“Hopefully that’s enough this time,” Jenna said as she departed.
When Jenna was out of earshot, Shepard turned to Garrus. “Why?” Straight to the point. As the single word slipped past her lips, she knew this couldn’t be a simple goodbye as she had wanted. The only thing preventing her from getting a stiff drink was the necessity of being sober and clear-headed come morning. It was the same question she had asked him before, one he didn’t need her to finish. It was several questions in one, he could pick whichever he wanted to answer first.
“Why what?”
“All of it, Garrus.”
“Shepard.” He rubbed his forehead. “Can we do this somewhere else?”
“What’s wrong with right here?” There was the faintest flicker of anger in her question, fanned by his response. He always called the shots and could simply turn her away. She wanted something on her terms.
As he turned his head back to her, she saw something she saw only once, and it was the day he betrayed her by protecting her from whatever would have been their fate. Anguish wasn’t a good look on him, and it tugged her heartstrings more than she wanted to admit.
“I will tell you whatever you want to know,” he said, reaching for her hand, three fingers interlocking instinctively with five. “But don’t make us have this conversation here.”
“Fine,” she relented. “Where?”
“My place?”
“No. Mine.” She said her goodbyes to Jenna, who eyed them sheepishly as they left together.
The more time she was around him in the skycar, the more she couldn’t hold back the feelings she spent so long trying to shut away. Physically and emotionally, he drew her so strongly she couldn’t pull away. She told herself as they arrived at her hotel that this conversation was for closure, for her, for him, for them.
This was the conversation to finally put whatever they were in the past. To close the door. This was goodbye. It had to be.
Date: June 19th, 2183
Time: 19:25
Location: Presidium Hotel
Garrus sat down on the couch in her room while Shepard sat in the chair opposite him. It made sense that she would want distance. He had also put space between them, and in his case, far more. Everything in her body language suggested she was shutting him out, but when she looked at him with the same tenderness he had first seen at the gala, all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and never let go. Her expression betrayed her, and his feelings betrayed him.
Had this not been why he refrained from reaching out? Feelings had hurt them both. It hurt when she left the first time, especially when he could have seen her, could have told her how he felt. He still kicked himself over that. He had planned to go after her once he was out, not. The thought of her seeing him in a cell when she had tried to visit had made him sick to his stomach. Seeing her now reminded him of how painful it was to withhold his plans from her when they returned to the Citadel after taking out Saleon.
He weighed his options as they sat in silence, deciding if this was to be goodbye, then it was in his best interest to be brutally honest. Regardless of what happened in the past and what would happen going forward, he knew he would always regret it if he didn’t share how he felt.
She narrowed her eyes, and the room grew heavy. It was one thing he had become so drawn to with her, the juxtaposition of what she presented to him versus what others saw. The person she truly was behind the mask.
“Why?” She wielded the question like a blade, her voice a sharp edge. “Why did you abandon me after I helped you? Why wouldn’t you see me when I tried to visit you? Why did you leave before I woke up? I spent more time than I’d like to admit trying to understand how you could get me to open up to you only to pull away once I did.” Her eyes glistened, and it pained him to see.
“I’m sorry.” It was all he could muster. Rational thought stopped as he watched the outpouring of pain he caused her. There were reasons, he just couldn’t vocalize them all at once. His mind scrambled to process all of what was being thrown his way, to come up with a coherent and acceptable answer. The truth she deserved.
“Is that all you have to say?”
“No.” He took a couple of deep breaths to gather his thoughts. It was important she came out of the conversation understanding where he was at. “I wanted to protect you. I chose to go after Saleon, but you had shown up just wanting to keep me safe, something which I’ll never understand. You were sacrificing so much, for yourself and your people. I wasn’t worth that sacrifice.” He paused, expecting her to interject, but she just sat and stared at him as tears streaked her cheeks. Her silent crying fascinated him, her inability to hold back tears the only crack in an otherwise stoic facade.
“I was ashamed,” he admitted. “I didn’t want you to see me in there, and I didn’t want any chance of undoing the work I did to protect you.” He grimaced at the thought of the call with Pallin while still aboard the Normandy, and how he returned to bed and spent the better part of the night creating the memories that held him over the last few months. It hadn’t been betrayal. Not in his eyes. It had only been protection, and the desire to see Shepard safe.
“Turned out all Pallin made me do was accept my old job at C-Sec with a demotion to officer. And I left before you woke up because I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t want to hurt myself. What I’ve always needed was to know you were okay, that you would be okay.” What he knew now was that he was a fool that had spent too much time running from the inevitable, but he kept that part to himself for the moment, reading her as the words sat between them.
Shepard frowned. “Did you ever stop to think about what I needed?”
“Of course.”
“That’s funny, because you never asked me. You made all these decisions for me, but they were really for you.”
His subvocals flared, and a pitiful sound left his mouth. She was right. Seeing her in a hospital bed had been nothing compared to the pain-stricken expression she wore in different shades as they spoke. She worked to control it, always trying to hide her hand, but he saw enough. He had already said sorry, deciphering what was appropriate to say following that wasn’t easy.
“Dammit, Garrus,” she said as she buried her face in her hands. “I wanted to put this behind me. I thought talking to you would make me feel better, but it just hurts too much.”
His mandibles flattened against his face. He could see the pain he placed there, and it flooded him with regret. His own stupidity and inability to accept what was right before him had put them both in this place.
She rose from her seat. “Please, just go.”
Garrus also stood, but instead of walking for the door he walked straight towards her. There were only so many things he had to apologize for, and he was prepared to spend all the time needed to make each one. With a gentle finger he lifted her chin until their eyes met. He spent months missing this proximity, her body so close he could feel her warmth.
“Not seeing you when you stopped by the jail was one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. Every day without you has been painful. Tell me you want me to leave again and I will, but I don’t want to leave without making it clear that I was a fool.” He leaned in slowly, allowing her plenty of time to prevent the moment his mouth met her lips, but she didn’t.
The kiss was tender despite months of longing on his part. It could have been a true parting kiss, if that’s what she had requested, but it lasted longer, letting him push open the door she’d left cracked.
When their mouths parted, she lightly pressed her fingers to her lower lip, as if she could preserve the lingering sensation in that touch. With her eyes shut, she said, “I love you.”
It was so quiet he almost wasn’t sure what she had said. When her eyes opened and trailed slowly up his face starting from his mouth, he felt the familiar thrum of contentment she inspired. His subvocals hummed a different tune than they had just a minute earlier, one he’d never shared with anyone before her. He took her hand and pressed it to his chest so she could feel.
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“It means I love you too.”
She kissed him hard and deep. With all the differences between their species, he had had little experience with the press of soft lips to mouth plates, but he knew this kiss displayed the truth of what she’d just told him. With one hand cupping her face, he could feel her pulse. Steady, strong, and quickening. Just like his.
Without further question, he slowly walked them backwards until the backs of her knees met the edge of the bed. Slowly, she lowered until sitting at eye level with his parting lower plates, still covered by clothes.
“What are we?” she asked. “I can’t go through the last three months again.”
“You won’t.” It was a promise. Whatever they had to do, whatever it meant for his future, he would sacrifice it all. “I’m yours.”
When those words left his mouth, he knew he’d said nothing truer in his life.
A smile curved Shepard’s lips, and she couldn’t shake it. Nothing about this conversation was going according to how she planned. Whatever might come wouldn’t be easy, but in the time she knew Garrus, thinking she had learned him fairly well, she knew he wasn’t one to do or say something he didn’t mean. He returned her giddiness in the flutter of his mandibles, but something else was there too. Hunger flashed in his eyes. The same hunger that had grown in her during their time apart, leaving her aching for him.
She reached for the buttons of her shirt, undoing them slowly from the top down and watching as his eyes fell to the swath of skin now exposed. Desire snaked down her spine, coiling in her belly. A little more than an hour ago, she’d intended to say goodbye only to give in and never want to part with him. She pushed aside any looming fears, not wanting to stop what they had begun, and allowed herself to trust him completely.
She shrugged her shoulders, the shirt slipped off, and she threw it somewhere across the room. Next her eyes fell to his top, a silent demand for him to follow suit. The pattern continued for their pants and underwear, leaving her in just her bra. They watched the other with eager eyes as each article of clothing found its spot on the floor. With his stiff cock only inches from her lips, she unhooked her bra, and the cups fell away. His groan was far from subtle, hard as he tried.
She made the first move, taking his tip in her mouth as she wrapped her hand around the shaft. The first time, figuring out each other’s bodies had been daunting enough without the awkwardness. Now knowing what he was working with, she took as much of him as she could fit in her mouth with confidence that she could make him feel good. The pleased subvocalizations that emanated from his slightly parted mouth as she bobbed back and forth, her tongue swirling around the tip, told her she was correct.
She savored the smooth texture of his cock. Other than the ridged top and bottom, he hardly felt different from what she was used to. He hit the back of her throat and still had some length to spare that she couldn’t fit in her mouth without choking. Her hand compensated for the rest.
She let out her own groan against him, causing him to react by placing a hand gently behind her head as she moved. Whenever a thrum began in his chest, the vibrations carried down to wherever she touched. Experimentally, she lightly dragged her teeth along his cock.
“Spirits,” he hissed.
Unable to smile, she relished in his pleasure as she continued moaning around him, enjoying the effect it had on him.
He pulled back, stopping her as she tried to continue. “I don’t want to finish there, if that’s okay with you.”
A cheeky smile spread across her lips as she scooted back towards the pillows, stopped once more by Garrus as he pulled until her hips rested at the edge of the bed and knelt down between her legs.
“But before that, let me return the favor.”
Her heart nearly stopped. The gleam of two rows of pointed teeth as his mouth parted and mandibles flared left her lightheaded. All the trust she had placed in him wouldn’t end there. As his mandibles tickled at her inner thighs, she let her legs spread wider, shocked by the intoxicating rush of sensations that flooded her body as he dipped his tongue into her.
Tasting Shepard for the first time was unlike anything he could have imagined. For obvious reasons, the women of his species didn’t use their mouths on cocks, something he knew other species could do, though he hadn’t experienced it himself. The idea of pleasing her in this way, watching her melt with the flick of his tongue, was nearly enough to do him in.
Already slick, the taste of her arousal hit him hard, every nerve in his body lit by the connection of mouth to delicate flesh, as if he’d been doused in gasoline and she was the match. He vividly remembered how her warmth felt and grasped at him as he moved in her, but her reaction as he laved at her was more frenzied. His tongue slipped inside her with ease, instantly making her squirm. Then, in one long stroke, his tongue went to the little nub at the top and her hips bucked against his grip.
“Yes,” she groaned. “Right there.”
Never one to belay an order in bed, he savored the view as he continued to work. The arch of her back as he licked her clit was just the motivation he needed to keep going. With the lightest of touches he could manage, he swirled his tongue around the top of her slit. Each time he made contact with her clit, her hips tilted upward with an offering he graciously accepted.
Her motions grew more frantic with each new moment of stimulation. Garrus backed off to prolong the pleasure. Light kisses trailed from her lips to her inner thighs before he lazily went back to her center. When he looked up, she was massaging her breasts, twisting her nipples as she had instructed him to do once. Seeing her in pleasure made his cock ache with the growing desire to fill her, to feel her body writhe beneath him again. Except he didn’t want it to be only once more.
Keeping his eyes on the show further up her body, he parted her lips and continued his assault, unaware until his finger teased her entrance that she could get more wet than she already had. A subvocal groan hummed in his chest, escaping through his parted mouth and into her.
“Yes,” she said, her hands cupping each of her breasts and squeezing. “Fuck, yes.”
He remembered a time when her constant swearing was a marker of her irritation, but now he knew for certain he’d never hear the word fuck in the same way. Tongue swirling around her clit, he felt the familiar jerk of her hips, but this time it didn’t stop and he didn’t back off. Instead, her hand came down to his head and held him in place.
“Please, don’t stop.”
“If you insist…” he hummed against her.
He glanced up and caught Shepard with her back arched, breasts thrust up into welcoming palms, and he continued lapping at her greedily. Blue surrounded her, casting her in that ethereal glow that he had missed. One he’d never tire of seeing.
Mine, he thought with each swipe of his tongue against her with the powerful urge to pleasure every inch of her and make sure she never questioned whose she wanted to be. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t think of her as anyone’s but his and he needed her to feel the same.
After the shock waves of her orgasm passed, he finally pulled away from her and the air felt cool against his face, mouth plates wet with her arousal. A possessive thought ran through his mind, lacing him with the need to stake his claim, to command her body in her bed as she had commanded him on the MSV Fedele. Respect stopped him from rutting her into oblivion. The urge was new, no woman had inspired it within him before.
“Garrus?” she said, propping herself up on her elbows. Concern flickered in her intense gaze.
With a quick shake of his head, he refocused on her. “Sorry, I just didn’t realize how much I missed you.”
“If that’s how you greet me when you miss me, I might be gone more often.” She laughed.
How could he have been so stupid to let her go? Nihlus’ word rang in his mind again.
Bondmate.
Could he be content just to have her in his life, to figure out how that would work? If the last few months had taught him anything, it was that any version of Shepard in his life would be better than no Shepard at all. But he would eventually want more. He wanted to be the man she deserved, to make her want to be his for the rest of their lives. It wasn’t a conversation they’d have yet, and that was okay. For now, he could be content to bury himself in her and whisper his feelings into her ear. For now, that would be more than enough.
Her body pulsed with need that had spent months suppressed. The agonizing wait as he slowly climbed up her body was enough for her to wonder how she got through her time without him. He had her completely, and she was prepared for them to once again take the plunge they had taken on the Normandy months ago.
He had the same look in his eye when he came back to bed before they arrived at the Citadel. She could only imagine where his mind wandered, wishing he would let her in, just as she had let him in.
Snug between her thighs, he brought a rough palm to her cheek, a welcomed touch she nuzzled into. Vulnerability caused an ache nearly as powerful as the feelings burning in her chest. “I missed you,” she said.
He purred. “I missed you as well. Every moment of every day.”
He’d already said it once, but it felt as good to hear as when he said “I love you.” How could she part with this come morning? The idea seemed impossible. Even afterwards, if they decided the best plan was to accept long distance for now, it wasn’t like either were near retirement.
His hand moved down her body, blunted talon following an invisible line from her cheek, to neck, to breast, where he tenderly cupped her before continuing down to her newest addition. The fresh scar at the bottom of her ribcage below her left breast dragged down at a slight diagonal to the center of her abdomen, dulled to a faint pink line. It had been odd to think what had happened to her, that a bullet that went through several of her organs hadn’t killed her. She had been beyond lucky. She wondered how the scar might change as time passed. It wasn’t the worst scar she had, though the conditions under which she’d earned it were among the worst. Clearly, Garrus was still coming to terms with the addition.
He sat rigid between her legs, thick cock resting patiently against her as his talon traced the scar down, back up, and down again. Mandibles laid against his face as flat as they could, and mouth plates firmly shut.
“I wish you had been there when I woke up,” she said. She stopped his hand from making the round trip down and up her scar again, forcing him to look at her. Narrow eyes met her, instantly softening.
“I should have been. I’m sorry I wasn’t.” His mouth hung open and his brow drew down.
A dull vibration carried through his palm placed flat against her belly. The sound that accompanied it was low. Mournful, beautiful, and painful all at once. She knew this side of Garrus was raw, one to be cherished. “I still felt guilty over not seeing you before you left. I didn’t think you’d want to see me, that if I stayed I’d only make your recovery harder. Or you’d tell me to leave. It was easier to know you were okay than to stay and face a chance of rejection. I was a coward.”
She could tell that took a lot out of him. A word as simple as “coward” held a lot of weight in a species that had the longest standing meritocracy in the galaxy.
“You aren’t a coward.” She reached up, a palm on either side of his face as she stared him down, challenging him to be as vulnerable as she had learned to be. To his credit, he didn’t look away as she stared past the clear blue depths of his eyes, straight into his pupils. They grew wide, like oil on water. “And I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me too. I know I can be a touch abrasive.”
“Just a touch?”
She raised a single finger and pressed it against his mouth. “Don’t push it.”
He chuckled, the sound deep and resonant. God, she loved him. She had known for some time, but it took the reality of goodbye, and Garrus choosing to come to her instead of walking away, to finally admit it out loud. Maybe a part of her knew saying goodbye wouldn’t have truly been the end, that she had to find him.
“I wouldn’t dare. As for forgiving you…” He released a sigh of contentment, leaning in the few inches that separated their mouths, whispering against her lips, “Always.”
When he pulled away, his attention fell back to her scar, a sudden shift in his countenance. “Now, tell me who did this?” he asked, almost a whisper, but with slight hostility as he stared at the once-angry gash. “Nihlus told me the bullet was for him.”
“Not now.” Not after Saleon. Not with that look in his eyes. Not when moments between them had been so few.
“Shepard,” he cooed as he planted his hands on either side of her head, caging her between the heated rock of his carapace and the soft bed. The intensity of his expression drove her mad, wishing they’d had more time before, more time to come. “After what happened last time, you think I’d risk losing this? Never again. The last time I lost you was my doing. This time, you were almost taken from me. All I want to know is by who.”
The way he spoke was every bit as protective as the way his body loomed over her was possessive. He was right when he said never again. She’d be sure of that, too. Trust allowed her to share more details than she would have otherwise.
“A spectre. Nihlus wasn’t sure what his motivations were. That’s what the council has tasked my crew with—to figure it out. There was something on Eden Prime that he was after.” She revealed some of what Nihlus had shared, giving only enough to appease Garrus. She didn’t need him to go rogue again, but she also didn’t want him to worry. This would be her fight, and she intended to win.
“A spectre? That’s pretty serious.”
“I know. But so is this.” She shifted, tilting her hips upward until his tip rested against her entrance, making him chuckle. “We can talk about all that later. Right now, I just want you to fuck me.”
Her directness took her by surprise, unveiling assuredness built during the time she’d spent without him. How many nights aboard the Normandy had she relived their brief time together? It would have been easier if she could’ve dismissed it all as a fling, but Garrus was never a quick and easy thing for her. He never could be.
“I rather like the sound of that. Almost as much as I like the sound of this.” He grabbed her hip with one hand, holding nothing back as thrust into her so hard it nearly stole the breath from her lungs.
She cried out, an incoherent sound of delight at the sensation of feeling whole again. It took a few thrusts before speech returned to her. “My God, Garrus. You feel so good.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.” He smiled sweetly, an expression she wouldn’t have as easily discerned only six months earlier. It reinforced how much her feelings had changed. How much Garrus had changed her.
If there was an everything for her, he could very well be it.
Each thrust was hard, but not fast, allowing her to savor the way every inch felt as he hit home. Again and again, he played her body with such skill, like an instrument he’d spent years of his life learning. The way he made her feel when their time together had been so short was nothing less than incredible. He put all he’d learned of her body in that short time to good use, remembering the way she enjoyed being touched, the best angle and rhythm that brought her close to the edge without toppling over, and even the words that made her skin tingle and toes curl. He fit her in every way, and it still could never be enough.
He stroked her cheek, looking into her eyes intently as they moved in rhythm. “I love you, Shepard,” he whispered.
“I love you too.” She wrapped her legs around him, her ankles hooked comfortably in place by his spurs to allow some control. “So much.”
Like the crack of a whip, his hips responded to her declaration. Love. When had it turned to that? There was no way she could look at him and not feel the resonance of their admission, plating the fine threads that held them together, turning what had been breakable into an anchor. Offering the sort of stability she had only ever dreamed of.
By the pull of her legs and roll of her hips, he went deeper. The sensation curled her toes and arched her back, and Garrus was all too happy to grope at her chest, rubbing his thumb over a pert nipple.
She let her head roll back as a cry of pleasure tore from her lips. When she finally looked back at Garrus, his features sharpened in the blue haze of her ecstasy. She couldn’t say goodbye to him in the morning, goodbye to this. So many times in her life she had let duty—both to her family when they lived and then the Alliance when they took that place—dictate how she operated. Not anymore, and not with him. She had sacrificed enough.
She held his face in her hands as he bucked into her, the words she wanted to speak bubbling up in her throat, edging closer to her lips as courage pushed them along. But Garrus beat her to it.
Lost in her, he felt the pull of her warmth as her orgasm washed over her. She came undone, her mouth a gaping O, and her body pressed against his. And he needed more. He could be her soft place to land. Maybe the conversation of long-term commitment could wait, but the conversation of what came tomorrow couldn’t. Love gave him no choice.
‘”I’m going with you,” said Garrus.
It was a statement; an echo of the words she had said to him once. Surely as a spectre she had some say in her crew, and if she didn’t he would do whatever it took to be at her side if she would have him. Feeling her again, seeing her smile, it wasn’t enough to know she was out there and loved him. He wanted to be by her side and never leave. To keep her safe and well loved.
There were logistics to his statement that he’d figure out later. His lease was almost up, and as for his belongings, all he cared for could fit in a single suitcase. There wasn’t much holding him back, and everything pulled him to her. He’d give it all up in a heartbeat if she asked.
Her thumbs ran over the rough ridges of plating along his jaw and mandibles, touches so soft for someone who possessed so much grit. Every part of him stopped after he spoke—his breath, his hips, probably his heart too. His statement was also a gesture. Maybe a demand, if it came to that. Extending himself towards her, offering his truest desire for her to reject. The way her mouth hung open and her brows sharply drew inward confused him. Was it a yes, or a no?
“Shep—“
The crash of her mouth against his abruptly cut off all speech, shocking him with the ferocity that her petal soft lips could manage. Taken aback, he met her passion with his own, flicking at her lip with his tongue until she let him in. Her calves pressed against the back of his thighs, urging him to continue where he left off. Garrus did so glady.
Her enthusiasm quickly sent him teetering over the edge where she already stood. When she threw her head back this time, moaning his name, he finally fell over. With a few final pumps, he filled her and remained in his place atop her, her chest heaving against him as she caught her breath.
“I’ll take that as a yes?”
“I didn’t know it was a question.”
“You’re right,” he laughed. “I suppose it wasn’t.”
He fell to her side. Laying beside her like this was everything he had missed and would make certain to never miss again. He took her into his arms, an arm beneath her neck and one resting across her taut belly, fingers curling around her hip.
She looked at the ceiling, the bliss in the curve of her lips not extending to her glistening eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m happy?” she said, though it sounded almost like a question. Like the idea was unfathomable and required permission. “I don’t know. I came into this wanting to say goodbye, I never expected this.” She turned on to her side, facing him, head propped up in her hand.
He couldn’t help the quick glance at her chest in the new position, making her laugh though the threat of tears remained.
With himself propped to match her position, he ran a hand through her hair. Being with her felt like home, and while he was too afraid to admit that much out of fear that more truths would follow, he extended what he could. It was irrational, he knew, their feelings seemed pretty clear, but he was still teetering on that edge, knowing that he could fall at any moment. After knowing what life without her had been like, safe was better. For now.
“I promise that as long as you want me at your side, I will be there.”
She smiled dreamily, the expression and joy of his words apparent. Sated for now. He made a promise to himself to always strive for their contentment, and to make sure she never doubted him or them.
Rolling onto her back once more, she tossed him a coy smile. “Think you can handle another round?”
Without hesitation, he was between her legs, the pace even slower this time. If it wasn’t clear before, he showed his love this time in every stroke, kiss, and murmur against her skin. Whatever the universe threw at them, he would see it through, always finding her at the end of the tunnel. Nothing would take her from him again.
Date: June 20th, 2183
Time: 05:00
Location: Presidium Hotel
Shepard’s alarm woke her before it stirred Garrus, who, to her surprise, was still next to her with his arms wrapped around her. The shrill buzz was worsened by the vibration of the alarm against the metal nightstand. An alarm she could never sleep through, not that she needed it. She was usually a light sleeper, but today was extremely important. She set it before she even went out last night.
Last night.
Every memory of how she’d spent last night hit her cold and hard. All that they’d done and said. After the initial shock, she settled in for a minute, allowing herself to enjoy the feeling of the moment. Months ago, the realization would have scared her, but something had shifted. She loved Garrus, and that made everything feel okay.
She begrudgingly untangled herself from him, cold air prickling her skin as she rose. His arms had felt so warm and safe, but duty called. She started by picking up the clothes that were strewn about the room last night. When she turned back to the bed, Garrus was propped up on his forearm and looking at her.
“What?”
He shook his head, mandibles flaring out lightly in a flirty smile. “Oh nothing. Just enjoying the show. You do this aboard your ship too?”
“When I’m in my own quarters, I might.” The weight of the sentence hung between them. He didn’t know all the details of her service record, but this would be the first time she had quarters to call her own. A ship under her command. The fact sent a shiver down her spine.
She dumped last night’s clothes in a pile, grabbed her bag and pulled out a fresh pair of fatigues, and then folded and put away everything else.
“I take it that means you still want to come with?” she asked with an air of nonchalance. Not that she wanted him to back out; she absolutely didn’t. She gave into him last night, but there was still a part of her that valued self-preservation. She accepted life without him once, and though she no longer wanted to say goodbye, rash decisions made in the throes of passion weren’t the most sound decisions. If he changed his mind, it would hurt like hell and she’d struggle with the sudden shift. She wanted him to come with her and didn’t know how she would handle rejection.
“And miss a chance to have you boss me around? Never. I like a woman who’s in charge. Especially when I get to join her in her bed.”
Despite the circumstances of being a few hours out from starting the search for someone that had almost killed her, she smiled. She longed for more time before they’d have to leave. Loving him felt good, and she hoped it would continue to feel that way for them both. Whatever happened, she wanted this to last.
“I’ve got to get ready and head up to the docking bay, make sure everything is going smoothly before we leave. Do you have to go get anything?”
He gracefully lifted from the bed and reached down to hoist up a bag of his own. “I couldn’t sleep last night, so I slipped out to grab my things. Thought we’d skip the repeat of me being gone in the morning. Though I sent a message in case you woke up while I was gone.” He pointed to his omni-tool. Shepard checked hers, and as he said, a message had come through in the middle of the night: Left to grab a few things, be back soon. I promise. Love, G.
She smiled at her holoscreen before swiping the message away. “How’d you slip out without waking me?”
“Turians are natural predators. When I want, I’m quick and quiet.”
She thought back to the agile movement he displayed the day they met. If he could get by without waking her, he truly was quiet. Impressive for someone of his size. She couldn’t help the way her tactical brain started running through all the scenarios where his stealth could be useful. And then the side that wanted to pounce on him herself picked up the slack, and desire pooled low in her belly.
“Shepard?”
She smiled as she hoisted her backpack up and said, “Sorry, I was just thinking. Let’s go.”
Within a few hours, they were once again headed towards the relay they had made their way to months past. Nihlus joined them temporarily to oversee the start of the hunt for the rogue spectre but he would eventually split off to his own ship. To Garrus’ surprise, he wouldn’t be the only non-human crew member. Their first mission involved tracking down an asari linked to someone working with Saren.
When it seemed everyone had settled in after they had departed from the Citadel, he accompanied Shepard to her quarters. He knew once the first mission began, moments like these may become fleeting. He’d take all he could and be her rock for all the moments between.
“How are you feeling?” she asked as she sat on the edge of the bed, patting the space beside her for him to join.
It felt right, reconnecting in this room. He wondered if she thought about this room the way he did, as the first place they were truly together. Outside of these walls, he had watched as she did the work that earned her the title of Commander, a brief glimpse of another side of her that deeply intrigued him. Was it too soon to step into her life and work, assuming a role that held a level of permanence? He was glad she didn’t seem to think so. As the seconds ticked by, he could feel his attachment growing. He’d never felt so certain about one person.
He sat beside her. “As long as I’m by your side, I have no complaints.” He stroked her cheek. “There is absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be.”
She placed her hand over his, and her expression relaxed. This would always be a place where they could exist with one another, shedding the problems of the day. Wherever she’d have him was exactly where he wanted to be.
“Hm, we’ll see about that.” A playful smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Though you’ll sleep in the crew quarters, you can visit me whenever you want,” she said. “I want the crew to be comfortable with us. I don’t want them to think you’re getting any preferential treatment. I also want you to be comfortable with me, and with that.”
“I’m more than comfortable with you.” He rose from the bed and locked the door.
“Garrus?”
“I seem to remember us discussing something you only do in your quarters?” In a flash, he was on top of her, her laughs stifled by his mouth pressed to hers. “What was that thing again?”
“Now?”
“Oh yes, Commander, I’m afraid it can’t wait.” He brushed a lock of fringe from her face and found himself struck by the tenderness uncovered.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.”
He’d never tire of hearing her say that.
This was a part of their story that was meant to happen. There was no way that all that had led them to that very moment where she laid beneath him, loving him, accepting him, could be wrong. Whatever brought him back to her was right. He would spend an eternity thanking the spirits for this twist of fate if he had to. As long as it kept her in his arms. For now, he would happily serve on her crew and always watch her six. Wherever she was, that was exactly where he would be.
In his heart, Garrus knew Shepard was his home, and when she looked at him, he knew she felt it too.