Work Text:
for the first time jaehyun awakes empty.
his flat belly. besides that of another. an arm around his torso. the swaying of curtains in the morning wind. rays of light peeking through whenever they open wide enough. the ventilator at the top of the ceiling as if from a movie scene.
no trace of yesterday’s sadness, yet tears rolling from his eyes. silent streams in contrast to the crushing waters outside.
he clings closer to the anchor on his chest. a wave rumbles within him, but it’s not a feeling, more like a weight, threatening to drown him.
no anger, no despair, none of yesterday’s joy at the beach.
a bird, settling on the windowsill, moving their head, flying away. so much movement, outside of him, calm, fragile,
“jaehyun.”
more outside movement, closer. the anchor slipping away, he catches onto it, johnny stops, leaves it where it belongs. moves his head up to look him in the eyes.
“jaehyun, are you okay?”
he keeps holding on, grasping.
“i don’t feel anything.”
a pause.
“physically? or emotionally?”
“emotionally.”
johnny lies back down, holds jaehyun closer.
“can i do anything?”
“i don’t know.”
a hand moves up to brush over his cheeks, a thumb, its rough cornea from playing the guitar, tracing the stream there that doesn’t subside, that runs into jaehyun’s ears.
they lay like this for a long time. long enough for the light to turn its shade and stand high in the sky. for the birds to start singing. the waves to distance.
the peace is broken by nothing but johnny’s occasional questions. are you comfortable? are you hungry? do you need something? you want to drink?
yes. no. i don’t know. yes.
silence.
the anchor leaves, the warmth besides him. it’s replaced with cold in his stomach. he passes the bottle back to johnny, watching his throat contract, once, twice, thrice, … 9 times. he grabs jaehyun’s hands afterwards. he knows well the soothing effect of physical contact on him. that’s what it means to know someone, jaehyun thinks.
“should we take a walk?”
“i don’t know.”
johnny stands up and pulls jaehyun with him, gently, by their connected arms.
“let’s go.”
johnny insists they brush their teeth. he doesn’t let go of jaehyun, uses his left hand.
stepping into the direct light, it already starts to burn the skin. jaehyun feels it more intensely than usual.
the sand under him, too. the soles of his feet, on millions and millions of ground stones. the heat of the sun captured in them, for the day.
the breeze on his neck, his legs, arms, chest, hair, the sporadic heavy blows lifting his shirt.
he tastes the salt on his tongue, the mint of toothpaste.
they balance across the big stones following the length of the beach. they sit beside the lizards, face to the sea. jaehyun starts to walk across.
he walks until the water hits his ankles, his knees, waist. he wants to run, the water doesn’t let him, it’s so much stronger than jaehyun, he thinks, yet it lets him in.
belly button, chest, shoulders. he only stops when he is grabbed by johnny, put to a hold. it’s not abrupt and there’s no fear in johnny’s eyes. there’s nothing in them at all. he looks like jaehyun feels. maybe it’s just that jaehyun can’t read faces, not even johnny’s. not even after all this time.
they stand there until jaehyun freezes. he notices johnny’s hand shaking in his. when a high wave rushes in they jump a little. jaehyun has only swallowed a couple of sips so far. he dives under once, the calm and the cold. when he comes back up johnny looks at him again.
“would you drown me if i asked you to?”
it doesn’t take johnny more than five seconds to contemplate.
“yes.”
they look at each other. the word lies between them like one's ear put to a shell.
jaehyun’s eyes are filling again. it’s the water he swallowed. or maybe it’s the ocean penetrating his skin. entering his pores. emptying through another vessel. connection. return.
johnny’s thumb on him again. futile, just as wet as his cheeks.
jaehyun hugs him. they exchange the little heat that is left in their bodies. what the sun left there.