Chapter Text
As the ravioli burned in the distance and the world began to come to an end Shrek stared longingly into the piercing blue orbs set deep in the face of the one and only Ed Sheeran.
And then Shrek died, and a world appeared where Shrek had never existed. Then suddenly, in the distance, a wail split the air. It was bread, mourning the loss of his true love. As Bread looked up into Eds tear stained face, Bread smiled as hope filled him once more. But then a portal opened to the dimension of the marvel universe, and out from the portal stepped iron man’s toaster, casting doubt into the mind of bread. “I VANT TO TOAST YOU!!!” giggled ironman’s toaster.
Bread turned and looked at Ed Sheeran, the man who had been with him through it all. But toaster, his one true love, the one who got whisked away in the Star Wars invasion, the one who left…
“IM SORRY ED!” Bread screamed, breads orbs of sight already filling with emotion, “I HAVE TO DO WHAT MY GUT TELLS ME!” As Bread slowly walked towards the portal, toaster gasped in delight. “I LOVE YOU BREAD” Eds last words were, before he got eaten by the dragon. Bread heaved in a shaky breath and continued walking towards Toaster, the world ending behind them.
As bread walked, arm in arm with toaster through the portal, leaving behind the bodies of many a friend they whispered one last goodbye, tears falling from breads deep brown orbs of sight, soon… soon they would be together, safe from the evils of the past, or so they thought. The floor dropped, Ed Sheeran’s voice echoed In the darkness, “IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU BREAD, NOBODY CAN!!”.
Bread cried out in fear as Ed descended upon him. “Threesome?” toaster asked. “of course,” screamed bread, blushing profusely as he overflowed with joy and his glowing orbs turned inquisitively towards edd. “No, toaster, I know what you did.” Yelled Ed “You killed my father!”. “No” said toaster “I am the father of the father of the father!”. “WAIT” screamed bread “THIS IS AN ILLEGAL RELATIONSHIP. IM TOO YOUNG FOR A 50-YEAR-OLD TOASTER”.
Toaster laughed, “Foolish mortal, for I am well beyond you and your years. I am 27340812874083703 years old,” Bread blushed “Wow, a dilf,” as Ed began to regret his decision to turn him down. Then, as bread prepared for the night of his life, two strange figures materialised from the darkness, it was… sonic and dumbledore, the supreme dilfs, for they were a as old as time itself, oh bread they moaned in a low seductive tone. A radio echoed “Commence order 66…”. The rifle shot. Oil splattered, crumbs flew across the room. This was the end, but also the start. “…Daddy?” Dumbledore asked into the darkness surrounding them. Ed Sheeran shook, as he knew that there was only one that Daddy Dumble would submit to. “UwU, I want to drown in that luscious red hair of yours master Sheeran” moaned dumbledore, and ed knew his time had come, today was the day. A knife split through Daddy Dumble. Snapes voice whispered, “This is the last time he cheats on me.” Daddy Dumble moaned as he stood back up. “I knew that you never cared about me, or my pleasure,” Daddy Dumble stabbed snape “otherwise you would have known I have a knife kink,”. Snape gasped in shock, for he had underestimated the kinkiness of the dumbledore, and as he considered the lengths to which this could go, sonic suck up behind him and began to strangle him, you fool snape replied “I have a bondage kink” “oh I know” replied sonic “I just wanted to give you a few more minutes of pleasure” and with that sonic snapped his neck.
Suddenly, a ship crashed into the light, bringing everyone to their surprise. The group’s orbs of sight pierced the air, searching for any sight of a possible one-night stand of sensational pleasure. In the midst of the demeaning silence, a drunken voice shrieked, “DOES ANYONE HAVE A JAR OF DIRT?!?!?!?!!??” Everyone gasped as the figure of Captain Jack Sparrow emerged from the ship. They’d noticed that since they had last saw him, he must’ve had a BBL; he was looking extra thicc today. Dumbly daddy, on the verge of death, managed to let out a hoarse whisper, “I... Have.... a jar... Of-” Suddenly, the Lorax appeared on the ship, dancing on what appeared to be a stripper pole. Alongside him was SpongeBob SquarePants. Their elegance with twisting their graceful bodies around the pole eventually resulted in a 69-hour session of arousing thick Captain Jack Sparrow. Alongside him was SpongeBob SquarePants dancing his heart out as barry b Benson looked on in awe. Then, in the distance a low crunching sound was heard, everyone stopped still, frozen with horror except for barry, barry began to play jazz, regardless of whether anyone truly liked it, for barry did not care, and as the crunching reached its peak a loud clear voice rose above all else, “I shall take a potaTO CHIP AND EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!” it was… light yagami.
Meanwhile; Sonic’s orbs of sight quickly changed to orbs of tears. Sonic was contemplating over asking out the Lorax to prom; but that idea was quickly dismissed due to his traumatising experience of the horrofiying nightmare he experienced with Dwanye Johnson and his bold, moist head one night 420 years ago...
Now, don’t get me wrong; the experience was great, but that wasn’t what had haunted Sonic the Hedgehog all these years of his life. This happened during Sonic’s graduation from his one year of the “How to be sugar” course at your mom’s house. As it so happened, Dwayne Johnson was also graduating from the same course; however, he had 64389 years of experience. He was a true master, and the second Sonic saw him, he fell in love. The Rock didn’t wake up; and the Daleks arrested Sonic for “misuse of his cultivated social life” and sentenced him to 3 days of no human interaction, and a 6-hour session of exotic dancing every day. Sonic had never craved a special human encounter more in his life. Ever since then, Sonic had been traumatized of terrified of being imprisoned by the daleks.
Sonic didn’t know if he could keep himself from telling the Lorax how stunning he looked tonight; despite the trauma he experienced, it was simply too hard (in both ways) not to tell the Lorax how elegant his yellow Mustache looked tonight. Plus, they were destined for each other, Sonic thought; as they were both somewhat furries. Sonic decided to ask Dead Bread for advice on this dilemma.
Dead Bread appeared in front of Sonic The Hedgehog; translucent and floating eerily. And thus, Dead Bread spoke:
“Child, you have much to learn of. The best advice I can give you right now, is to cherish what you have now; you’ll learn later how little you were grateful for. So, go child. Go have a session of roleplay with Ed Sheeran the Sussy Baka and have the night of your life.” After a few seconds, Bread disappeared, slowly disintegrating into the air.
Sonic was conflicted. He never took what Bread said lightly, as he had more one-night stands than anyone he knew. But- he couldn't wrap his head around Ed Sheeran... what could possibly be so enticing about Ed Sheeran’s ginger hair?
Meanwhile, The Lorax, SpongeBob Square Pants and Captain Jack Sparrow were having the night of their lives.. A vent appeared, Star Wars played, The Lorax, SpongeBob and jack jumped down the vent. What they saw would scar them forever; there was a court, the stands were full of crewmates. But in the accused seat sat Donald Trump. The jury yelled “WE FIND THE ACCUSED SUS!!!”. Across the project it said “Orangeboi was ejected” and “Orangeboi was the imposter”. Suddenly, the stands went silent; until The Lorax and Captain Jack heard a few stifled cries beside them. They turned to see Spongebob bawling his eyes out, his cries barely distinguishable as words:
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ORANGE BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” Spongebob’s heart ached as Donald Trump in reality was his long lost lover.
Pink blared a knife. They cut open the guts of songeBob, jack and the lorax. Blood filled the room. Barbie was the imposter. Ken’s crying filled the room as he drowned in blood.
Sonic had finally decided what to do- he was going to meet Ed Sheeran for a night of roleplay. First, though- he *had* to say something to the Lorax about his romantically appealing mustache that reminded Sonic of mustard. He sprinted towards the exotic dance room and slid down the sus vent. Sonic’s bloodcurdling screams soon filled the stadium.
The Lorax was even hotter with his guts spilling out onto the flood, painted with his blood. His enthusiastic screams soon turned into moans as he looked down onto the lifeless body. However, Sonic could feel the illegal drug substances he consumed earlier to be wearing off. Sonic was purely driven on illegal substances; and without it, he can’t function properly. Sonic lazily walked up to Barbie, and could feel his heart pounding, he was in love...
Sonic’s mind felt hazy and filled with pure admiration of the beautiful plastic doll that stood before him. Suddenly, Barbie spoke.
“hEy yOu gRoNk! YOu wAnNa gO yOu dOg?! HUh?! EShAyyyyY bAhHhHh” Barbie transformed into her true eshay self; and she knew she had to usurp the throne of The Eshay Cult before Sonic could return to Ed Sheeran; because Ed, was in fact, the Ruler of The Eshay Cult.
Barbie’s sweet smile was strung into a maniac grinning face, eyes fuelled with the will for power and murder. However, Sonic was at an advantage; due to his late use of his suspicious illegal substances, he was slowly disappearing from the earth- or that’s what it looked like. In reality, Sonic was quickly teleporting to Ed Sheeran to confess his love to him- and to warn him about the maniac murderer, Barbie The Eshay. Once Sonic finally teleported, he fell into uWu Ed’s arms, as he looked up at his ginger locks. “Oh, Ed,” Sonic moaned. “The ESHAYS ARE COMING”, sonic slowly fell in his arms, he was out cold.
Ed could feel the anger surging through his veins, and he had enough. He was going to show himself as he truly was. “SONIC DONT LEAVE ME I LOVE YOUUUUU!!!!” Suddenly, Ed Sheeran’s ginger hair turned into a dark brown, as Ed Sheeran’s growls and howling ended up in Ed Sheeran turning into his full cranky chuwawa form. Ed Sheeran cried out into the night as Sonic tried to get his attention. “SONIC, IF I CAN’T LOVE YOU.. THEN-” Cranky Chuwawa Ed Sheeran finally noticed Sonic.
Sonic stared at Ed, face plain and slightly annoyed. “Ed, I-” Sonic started, only to be interupted. “SONIC I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. LETS GO ROLEPLAY.” Sonic stared at his feet in the awkward silence. “Cranky Chiwawa Ed.. I.. Don’t love you anymore. I only loved you for your precious ginger hair. Without it... you’re... just not the same sussy baka anymore.” Suddenly, DaddyDore appeared from thin air, gaping wound in his chest. He talked in between deep breaths, as he was on the brink of death, and had no medical attention whatsoever. “This... has been... the best... night... of my life... I- I wanted... to give you....... this.” DumbleDaddy reached for his pocket and unleashed the greatest weapon of all time; a piece of paper. With Vladimir Putin’s phone number on it.