Chapter Text
Rey watched the emotions roll across his face like storm clouds. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Each new emotion broke her heart a little more. He was a little boy crushed under the weight of the world and turned to steel. She saw him.
“No, no, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, Rey. You know we were meant to be together, you can feel it.” His expression shifted to rage and stayed there.
“Kylo, I can’t live in your world.” She lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. “The things I did last night, I’ll live with that for the rest of my life. I will carry that weight on my soul forever. I can’t add to that. It will crush me.”
“Oh, Little Kitten, you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Those men were traitors and killers and scum. They would have killed you and felt nothing, nothing! Don’t you dare mourn them, they don’t deserve that.”
“Those were your men, you trained them.”
“They were rabid dogs that needed to be put down. If you’re worried about your safety, I won’t make the same mistake again. Now that Snoke’s gone, we can build The First Order any way we like. With you at my side, we can bring peace to the streets.” He almost sounded frantic, but his gaze was too intense, he saw too much.
Rey rolled and sat up facing away from him and clutched the sheet across her chest. “I can’t stay here. I can’t be a part of something that goes against everything I believe in.” Rey turned and took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly to her chest. “Come with me, leave The First Order. I’m sure Holdo would let you turn State’s Evidence and testify. We could go somewhere new, start over, together. We could just be Ben and Rey.”
Kylo chuckled darkly and roughly pulled his hand out of hers. “There’s no redeeming me, Little One, because there’s nothing left to redeem. You don’t come back from the things I’ve seen and done. And the more I see, the more I understand that this world is corrupt as shit and people who don’t see that get eaten alive. You’re still trying to play by the rules and you don’t even realize that the game is rigged.” He ran his hand through his dark hair. “Snoke wasn’t an exception, he was the rule and men like him are a dime a dozen. The wealthy and the powerful are using everything they have to cheat and lie and steal and manipulate the game.” He put his hand on her arm and squeezed. “I don’t want to run away and live helplessly in a cage somewhere like a fucking pet. I like the power I have. I like the fear I inspire and the strings I can pull. I’m fighting back because I lie and steal and cheat, but I do it better . Ben is dead. I know exactly who I am and the sooner you stop trying to see me as someone to save, the sooner you’ll understand that I’m right.”
“You really mean that, don’t you? You think Luke was right and you’re not worth saving.” Rey’s heart was tearing in two.
He wrapped his fingers around the back of her neck and pulled her until they were forehead to forehead and knee to knee. “I don’t want to be saved, Rey.” He kissed her sweetly, begging her with his lips and tongue.
She pulled away, “And I don’t want to lose myself. So where does that leave us?” Rey choked back a sob.
“I’m staying here.” He moved away from her and stood up. His voice was distant and cold. “If you want to leave, then do it, go. I won’t try to stop you and I won’t send anyone after you, but you need to leave the city. This is a one-time offer. Don’t come back, ever. Do you understand?” Kylo turned his back on her and looked out the window. “I won’t be able to let you go again.”
“I understand.” Rey was crying now, everything hitting her all at once. Death, murder, loss, fear. She had finally found someone so uniquely attuned to her, the other half of her soul, and they were going to be ripped apart by insurmountable circumstances? It was like two stars aligning once in a thousand years, only to have their conjunction obscured by dark clouds.
He went to his dresser and quickly pulled on some clothes. “I’m going out. If you’re not here when I get back, I’ll understand.” He opened his wallet and took out a stack of bills and placed them on the bedside table beside her. “Here’s enough money to fly you wherever you want to go, if that’s what you choose to do.” Rey’s body shook with sobs. “There are clothes and the personal items I took from your apartment in the guestroom. Take whatever you need.” Kylo knelt down so that he was eye to eye with her. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her cheek. “Please love me the way I am,” he whispered against her wet skin. “Please Rey, please be here when I get back.” Then he stood up and turned to leave.
“No, no, no, please Kylo, come with me! Don’t leave me alone!” Rey grabbed at his arm, but he shook her off and left the room. He didn’t look back. She heard the front door open and close and then the apartment was silent except for her tears.
She collapsed into a ball and lay there until her cheeks dried and her breathing evened. Then Rey walked through the apartment like a ghost, empty and hollow. She found the guest room he had prepared for her and put on the clothes he had picked out thinking of her. Then she found her box of pictures and mementos and packed it into a large purse along with a change of clothes. Looking around the room she realized that she could have been happy here, if she were pliable and soft like wet clay and he could have molded her into a perfect companion. But she wasn’t soft, she was hard and brittle, like porcelain already fired in the kiln. Kylo Ren wouldn’t bend her, he’d shatter her to pieces. Decision made, she lifted her chin, set her shoulders, and marched to the door.
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A yellow cab dropped a young woman matching Rey Jakobs’ description in front of the FBI office downtown a little before noon. Our FBI informants reported that the woman refused to give her name at reception and said that she would only speak with Lynne Holdo. Holdo arrived within the hour and she questioned the young woman in a private interrogation room for several hours. There is no video or audio on file of that interrogation. There were no warrants issued or special investigations opened, so it appears she may not have divulged any new information to the FBI regarding The First Order. Holdo and the young woman departed in an unmarked car. From there, our informants lost all trace of her. They believe that she has been placed in the witness protection program.
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Epilogue
8 months later
It was official, this was definitely Rey’s favorite bar. It wasn’t very large, just a basement lounge in an older building downtown. It had warm, dark lighting, and plenty of booths and cushioned club chairs open after work. Later at night the vibe was mellow and young professionals and hipsters gathered to argue politics, literature, and music. Rey liked it because it was a place friends came to meet, not a singles bar with loud house music and flashing lights. Most evenings she could come after work and sit to people watch and no one would ever bother her. She definitely gave off the I’m-not-interested vibe. Plus, they had a half-way decent house chardonnay that didn’t break the bank, unlike those twelve dollar Moscow Mules the in-crowd preferred.
The bartender, Rita, was a college senior, and she did a good job keeping people from bothering her and in return, Rey had read through a few of Rita’s paper’s and made some suggestions. Her new job as an editor for an academic publishing house was not exactly thrilling, but it paid for a modest one bedroom apartment and the gas for the older car the FBI had provided her along with the new license that said Rachel Jones. Holdo said that it was easier if her new name sounded a little like her old one, that it would assist her in the transition to her new identity. She didn’t feel like Rachel Jones, she still felt like Rey, and Rey was alone and miserable and just doing her best to put one foot in front of the other every day. Which is why she ended up here most nights, sipping a glass of wine and trying to reconnect with humanity in whatever small way she could. Later at night, when she was alone, those were the worst times, constantly second guessing her choice or wishing she’d tried harder to get Kylo to come with her. If she had said something else, done something else, would they still be together? After all this time, she’d finally come to the conclusion that her broken heart might never mend. She had found her soulmate but her love wasn’t enough in the end. She would love him for the rest of her life and that thought kept her crying herself to sleep most nights.
Rey was staring at her empty wine glass debating one more when Rita slid a martini glass in front of her. It was some putrid pink colored concoction with an orange rind and green umbrella hanging off the rim. “What’s this?”
“From the gentleman at the end of the bar, he said it looked like you needed it.” Rita pointed with her chin and Rey turned.
Rey’s body froze while her mind processed what she was seeing. Her mouth opened and closed on air and she felt queasy and hot and everything as she watched Kylo Ren pick up a beer and silently toast her from the end of the bar. He raised one eyebrow expectantly and she reached down for the pink drink and lifted back in salute. They both drank, neither one taking their eyes off each other. The drink was god awful, like cough syrup made a baby with Pepto-Bismol. Rey’s mouth screwed up in disgust and Kylo grinned devilishly. Then he turned back to face the bar. Rey waited anxiously. Was he here to drag her back? Was he threatening her? Why was he ignoring her? What the hell? He was ignoring her. Rey picked up the drink and stalked down the bar.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered furiously. Standing next to him, Rey was reminded of just how large he was. How broad his shoulders looked in a suit. And, God, she could smell his rich cologne and the musky scent that was all him. It was like falling off the wagon after being sober for almost a year.
“I’m in town for a conference, just thought I’d try a local spot. Did you like the drink?” He smiled at her with a lush, lop-sided grin.
“Conference? I don’t understand.”
“My name’s Ben, would you like to join me?”
Rey’s eyes widened and she breathed in a small gasp. He wants to play. Her mind ran back through the things they’d said to each other so long ago. What were the rules? Could they just start over? She slid onto the stool next to him. She could do this. “My name is Rachel.”
“That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.” She squirmed in her seat at the compliment. His deep voice was doing things to her, wicked things. “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an editor for a local publisher. I mostly work on small-run college textbooks. Nothing too exciting. What do you do?” She raised her brows, daring him to tell the truth.
“I work in mergers and acquisitions, very boring and not something you’d want to hear about.” He turned his body and pressed his knee up against her thigh. She jolted at the contact. “I want to hear more about you, Rachel.” He purred her name. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“A gorgeous creature like you? Why not?” He leaned in and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Rey shivered.
She looked him directly in the eyes, willing him to understand, “I had my heart broken by someone very close to me and I’m still not over him.”
“Sounds like a fool to me. If you were mine, I’d never give you up.” A tear formed in the corner of Rey’s eye and slid down her cheek. Ben swiped it away with his thumb and brought it to his lips. “Oh, don’t cry, Little One, he’s not worth your tears.”
Rita came over with a concerned look on her face seeing her expression, “Everything ok over here? Do you need anything Rachel?”
“No, I’m good, thanks Rita, I think I’d like to close my tab.” Rey reached for her purse, but Ben pulled a hundred out of his wallet and handed it to Rita first.
“This one’s on me. Keep the change.”
Rey turned back to Ben, feeling brave, “Would you like to get out of here?”
“I was hoping you would ask, my hotel is a block away.” Ben stood up and offered her his arm. Taking it felt so familiar and yet so new at the same time. Rey realized she was nervous.
They walked and talked the ten minutes back to his room, playing their roles impeccably. Ben made her laugh with a story about the flatulent man he sat next to on the plane. Rey became Rachel, and told him about the ridiculous author she was currently working with who refused to take any of her suggestions. By the time they opened the hotel room door Kylo and Rey had completely fallen away, and Ben and Rachel were left, shy awkward strangers who bumped noses and clicked teeth when they had their first kiss. Ben and Rachel made love on the cheap hotel sheets and then again pressed against the wall in the shower. It was gentle and bittersweet, the way stolen moments are when you don’t want them to end. Ben and Rachel fell asleep tangled in each other's arms and slept soundly for the first time in months. In the morning, Rachel woke when Ben got out of bed to get dressed. He told her to stay as long as she liked, but his cab was on the way and his flight was in an hour. Rachel asked Ben if he would be coming back to town soon. Ben kissed her one more time, deeply, passionately, and promised her he would.